JADE: look you made us miss a whole bunch of stuff!
JADE: hang on im going to rewind it...
JOHN: who even cares what we missed.
JOHN: just cameron stupid poe in his idiot wife beater babbling some more southern home spun heroic nonsense.
JOHN: heart of gold my ass!!!!!
JOHN: everything dave ever said about this movie was right! i can't believe i used to think he was just trolling me.
JOHN: the stupid junkyard scene where cyrus makes a little model out of rocks and stuff, just so he could tell the criminals to surround some army guys and shoot them... that was pointless!
JOHN: and all this heavy handed scoring. oh my god. the music makes every little thing into such a federal issue!
JOHN: like... oh man, SOME MINOR CHARACTERS BEING INTRODUCED IN SLOW MOTION! dun-dun dun-dun DUN DUN DUN!!!
JOHN: there. now you officially know they are all badasses.
JOHN: also, i somehow didn't even remember dave chappelle being in this movie. he was pointless too.
JADE: whos dave chappelle?
JOHN: and you know the malloy guy, the dick head cop who we're supposed to hate, because of how he gives john cusack a hard time and makes asshole decisions with a helicopter?
JOHN: well screw that! he wasn't so bad. so what if he was a little grumpy? he was just trying to do his job. he had one of the best lines in the movie actually, which was another thing we were supposed to hate him for.
JOHN: what was it? about how cusack was probably out saving a tree and recycling his sandals or some shit? HAHAHA! now that i think about it, i fucking LOVE malloy.
JOHN: i'm going to rewind it to watch that scene again...
JADE: no!!!
JADE: dont touch the remote
JOHN: oh, and we're supposed to be like "YEAH" when cusack wrecks malloy's awesome sports car.
JOHN: but that was a nice car! john cusack shouldn't have ruined it like that for laughs.
JOHN: i know *I* wasn't laughing, were you?
JADE: YES :p
JOHN: john cusack was such a terrible character in this movie now that i think about it. i don't really get what he added to it?
JOHN: he was like the second hero... but dorkier? what did he even really do? he scampered around the junkyard for a while goofing off, and then when it was his time to shine...
JOHN: HE DEMONSTRATED HIS MASTERY OVER HEAVY MACHINERY! wow, he can operate a crane! i am thrilled by the exploits of this pedantic weenie.
JOHN: i guess he's actually like cage's estranged sidekick? almost like the robin that batman never realized he had.
JOHN: now that i think about it, this movie was always an oddly poignant tale of bromance between cage and cusack. just two bros separated by destiny, waiting to be united.
JOHN: when they finally come together to kick some ass, it is arguably more moving than when he reunites with his wife and daughter!
JOHN: i wonder if i'll think that scene sucks now too? it used to move me to tears, but now i'll probably think it's so lame, i'm almost afraid to watch it. maybe i should try to leave at least SOME memories untainted.
JADE: john you are kind of sounding like a crazy person here
JOHN: yeah right! crazy like a fOWWW!
JADE: what???
JOHN: oh...
JOHN: i guess there was a stray feather clinging to my pajamas and it just poked me in the ass.