DAVE: yeah ok
DAVE: questions about me hmm lets see
DAVE: ok FIRST the fuck of all
DAVE: what happened to ben stiller
DIRK: He was deemed a heretic, and was crucified on the Washington Monument by some clowns.
DAVE: wow
DIRK: Due to his dedication to freedom and peace, he came to be seen as a martyr, and then a holy figure.
DIRK: He was left on the monument as an example to all, but thousands of faithful gathered below to gaze up at his pious, sort of gaunt face.
DIRK: For years thereafter, his followers would carve stone busts of him in his memory, capturing the piercing glare of his final expression.
DIRK: But they were all smashed to pieces by the presidential church.
DIRK: That religious movement didn't last very long.
DIRK: Rumor has it the batterwitch had a lot of experience crushing righteous insurrections.
DAVE: did my adult self get pissed about stiller
DAVE: i bet he got pissed
DIRK: Yeah. There was a whole series of final insults that led to his active rebellion, instead of just producing subversive media.
DIRK: At one point, the witch "remastered" all of his films to clean up all the shitty artifacts, and released them in stunning high-def quality all over the world, using a rational business model and everything.
DIRK: That REALLY set him off.
DAVE: what the fuck
DAVE: how fucking dare that woman
DAVE: so then he tried to kill the batterwitch right
DAVE: who is the same exact alien as the condesce in this session??
DIRK: Yes. Same one.
DIRK: And yeah, he teamed up with Rose from the same era.
DIRK: They supposedly put up a good fight, but both died.
DAVE: so...
DAVE: does john know that he is literally about to go fight betty crocker yet or what
DIRK: I have no idea.
DIRK: I really don't know John at all, or any of your friends.
DIRK: I know Jane was the heiress to the Crocker brand. Uh, obviously? It is her name after all.
DIRK: Was John the heir to that empire in his universe?
DAVE: nah
DAVE: i mean not to my or his knowledge
DAVE: he just fuckin hated that company for some reason
DAVE: i think his reason was literally as mundane as just being slightly overexposed to cake
DAVE: thats classic john though he doesnt get pissed about anything except for the absolute dumbest shit
DAVE: but i guess his instincts were right in this case
DAVE: maybe we should just
DAVE: not tell him
DAVE: that hes fightin crocker i think the poor dude has probably had enough mental breakdowns for one adventure
DAVE: we all have
DIRK: I'd like to get to know him.
DIRK: Not to mention Rose and Jade. Would have been nice to hang out and chat, in a circumstance where we weren't supposed to prepare for an imminent deadly struggle.
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: well i guess we could have hung out there a few minutes longer
DAVE: i mean you wouldnt have got much outta jade who is stuck in perma-nap mode
DAVE: just like old times i guess
DIRK: Huh?
DAVE: she used to sleep a lot
DIRK: Ah.
DAVE: but yeah there wasnt much time except for like a bunch of heys and oh nice to meet yous
DAVE: and also i think i would have still been a shitty train wreck socially if we all just hunkered down right then and there for another extensive round of freestyle paltalk
DIRK: Right, I was kind of nervous about lingering there for more than a minute too.
DIRK: Mainly because of Jake.
DIRK: I didn't want to make him uncomfortable.
DIRK: I think I have done enough of that.
DAVE: i guess jake was kinda like your john of the group huh
DAVE: wait that was a pretty dumb observation never mind
DIRK: Nah, sounds about right.
DIRK: Seems like John was your close buddy growing up, and Jake was mine.
DAVE: john and i never really had anything like a falling out
DAVE: except for not talkin to each other for a few years on account of being on a meteor and boat respectively
DAVE: but i guess you two had some buddy troubles or somethin?
DIRK: Yes. A lot of buddy troubles.
DIRK: I vaguely touched on it earlier. I was a really bad influence in his life.
DAVE: what happened
DIRK: A lot of things, that were mostly my fault.
DIRK: Basically, I think I bullied him into dating me.
DIRK: Although I had plenty of "help" from my Auto-Responder.
DIRK: There were a lot of insane plans that he hatched on my behalf.
DIRK: But in fairness, I went along with them.
DIRK: To this day, I can't really tell how much of that bullshit was his doing, and how much was mine, which I've just covered up through denial or selective memory.
DAVE: wait
DAVE: you
DAVE: you dated jake?
DIRK: Yeah.
DIRK: That didn't last long though.
DIRK: It was really lopsided and kind of forced.
DAVE: ...
DAVE: so
DAVE: you
DAVE: ...
DAVE: hmm
DIRK: What?
DAVE: nothing
DAVE: i think were breakin one of the rules here
DAVE: this tangent got too personal
DIRK: Oh yeah.
DIRK: I forgot we weren't doing that.