DAVE: all that melodramatic sadbabble aside
DAVE: i think its perfectly cool if youre still curious about your adult self
DAVE: and i dont mind tellin you more stuff about him if you want
DAVE: i know im still wondering about what my adult self got up to
DIRK: Yeah.
DIRK: Well like I said, any time you want to know more, feel free to ask.
DAVE: kay how about
DAVE: we do this thing
DAVE: when i met roxy we did a thing
DIRK: A thing?
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: its called the lightning round
DIRK: That does sound like a Roxy thing.
DIRK: Does it by any chance involve asking a rapid-fire series of questions, some of which end up being a bit too personal or invasive?
DAVE: well yeah when she does it
DAVE: we could be chill though
DAVE: when it comes to asking about each others secret crushes and shit
DIRK: Then I guess I will disclaim in advance that I don't have any, and I don't care about yours even if you do.
DAVE: it is settled then on the fact that we are a couple of cool dudes who know where to draw the line on certain topics
DIRK: Cool.
DIRK: So how do we start.
DIRK: Whose lightning round is this, mine or yours?
DAVE: it can be yours go ahead shoot
DIRK: Ok.
DIRK: How...
DIRK: Did...
DIRK: He, um,
DIRK: Come to "adopt" you?
DAVE: i was a baby and i came down to earth on a meteor while riding a pony with a pink heart on its ass
DAVE: he found me in a crater on top of a dead pony and gave me a lil baby pair of shades that look exactly like the ones youre wearin now
DIRK: I see.
DIRK: So you decided to ditch those shades for the aviator glasses?
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: years ago john got me these for my bday
DAVE: it might have been like an "ironic dare" to wear them i dont remember
DAVE: but when i got em i was like hell yeah im wearing these
DAVE: gonna rock these fuckers til the end of time
DAVE: they were ben stillers
DAVE: like literally
DAVE: they actually touched his weird sort of gaunt face in one of his films
DIRK: Wait...
DIRK: THE Stiller?
DAVE: yeah
DIRK: Incredible.
DIRK: Also, such a shame what happened to that poor man.
DAVE: wait what happened to him
DIRK: I can tell you when it's your lightning round.
DIRK: Or mine. Whatever. I'm still not sure whose lightning round it is when you're the one asking questions.
DAVE: dunno ask roxy
DIRK: Ok. Anyway, didn't mean to interrupt.
DAVE: but yeah we would send each other stuff sometimes
DAVE: me and john
DAVE: well we all would
DAVE: usually absurd birthday packages and such
DIRK: We did that too.
DIRK: Except I had to send things through time.
DIRK: Always had to figure out stuff small enough to send through the sendificator, even if it was piece by piece.
DAVE: nice
DAVE: one time it turned out we ACCIDENTALLY sent presents through time
DAVE: i mean not literally, more in a roundabout way
DAVE: we all sent john a rabbit
DAVE: but all three rabbits just turned out to be the same damn rabbit
DAVE: because of stupid time shit
DIRK: Once I deliberately and quite literally sent a rabbit through time.
DIRK: It was a robot.
DAVE: wow
DIRK: He was a loyal friend to Jane. I don't know what happened to him though.
DAVE: yeah i dunno what happened to johns rabbits either
DAVE: rabbits am i right
DIRK: I hear you, man.
DAVE: what next
DIRK: Hm.
DIRK: You say he owned Cal as well?
DAVE: yep
DIRK: Did he come down to Earth on a meteor with Cal too?
DAVE: i think so
DAVE: that was a long time ago
DAVE: kinda weird to imagine him strutting around with that puppet as a kid in the 80s
DAVE: or maybe just kinda funny actually
DAVE: he sure held on to it a long time
DAVE: must have gotten attached at a really early age and just never let go
DAVE: i guess you fell to earth with one of those things too?
DIRK: Yeah.
DIRK: But if I came to Earth on a meteor the same way you all did, then I guess I just got dunked right in the fucking ocean.
DIRK: Which makes sense. One of my earliest memories is of using Cal as a flotation device.
DIRK: So he sorta saved my life in a way. I guess I bonded with him too, the way your bro did, even if that sounds a bit stupid.
DIRK: Then again, it didn't help matters much that I lived alone in the middle of the ocean. He was my only real life friend. I mean, until I built some new ones.
DAVE: hmm wait we fucked up
DAVE: i asked you a question its not my turn
DAVE: keep firing
DIRK: Ok.
DIRK: How did your bro die?
DAVE: he died fighting one of these jacks
DAVE: at this point i almost forget which one
DAVE: no wait
DAVE: ok yeah it was the omnipotent dog one
DAVE: the jack from our session
DAVE: he was fighting like a lesser form of him and then jack got extra prototyped by dog powers and then got outmatched and stabbed with his own sword
DAVE: pretty sure davesprite was fighting with him and almost died too but then it turned out he didnt
DAVE: but now im at least 99% sure that davesprite is DEFINITELY dead and wont suddenly reappear as a stupid surprise or anything
DIRK: I hate stupid surprises.
DAVE: word
DIRK: So, you said he "trained" you.
DIRK: I'm guessing that means he knew what was coming?
DIRK: Or, some things about your future, at least?
DAVE: seems that way
DAVE: not sure what he knew or how he knew it
DAVE: all our guardians seemed to know bits and pieces of stuff and did vague mysterious things to prepare
DAVE: to this day i have no idea if he was training me to fight lord english or if he even knew who that guy was on any conscious level
DAVE: or it was more like general purpose training to be able to survive some hard shit after the end of the world happened
DAVE: youd have to ask him but thats impossible
DAVE: i do know he managed to get the drop on a meteor before i entered the game
DIRK: What?
DAVE: as far as i can tell he stood on top of it and split it in half with his sword
DIRK: Um,
DIRK: Not to be too much of a wet blanket on that rad as fuck anecdote, but that sounds kind of far fetched.
DAVE: yeah it does doesnt it
DAVE: but then again so does a baby getting dunked from space in the ocean then floating on a weird doll and then growin up by himself with no adults around
DIRK: That's not far fetched. It was pretty straightforward.
DIRK: I think I just found a building poking out of the water, climbed up, then I just started foraging for food in there like a feral infant.
DIRK: Supplies which I'm sure your adult self must have left behind for me, seeing as he clearly must have known some things about the future too.
DIRK: Speaking of which, maybe it's your turn now?