ROSE: Dave, we were sort of in the middle of something here.
DAVE: in the middle of what
ROSE: A series of heartfelt conversations of a personal nature.
DAVE: oh
DAVE: i guess im in the middle of those now too
DAVE: im feeling heartfelt as fuck somebody bone me up on the shit
ROSE: One cannot simply be boned up on shit such as this. You had to be there.
DAVE: come on
ROSE: Wizards, Problems, Feelings. It was your standard tale of two estranged mutual mothers.
ROSE: Any questions?
DAVE: yes lots
ROSE: Ok.
ROSE: Can you maybe sit over there for a while and write them all down?
DAVE: um
KANAYA: Rose This Accumulation Of People Is Coming Dangerously Close To What Your Culture Might Process As A Human Familial Unit
KANAYA: This Is A Foreign Idea To Me And Probably A Private Matter To You So I Think I Will Leave You All Alone And Go Talk To Some Trolls
KANAYA: Personally I Think You Should Welcome Dave Into The Fold Of Your Poignant Wizard Reverie
KANAYA: From My Cultural Point Of View At Least He Has As Much Claim To A Sense Of Ancestral Connection To Your Mother As You
KANAYA: See You Everybody
DAVE: yeah man kanaya to the rescue with smart shit to say as usual
ROSE: Utterly destroyed again, by her superior sense of reason and decorum.
ROSE: Though I do wonder if her perspective would be different if she'd ever had to manage relations with a "twin brother".
DAVE: ok but who cares about that
DAVE: so rose
DAVE: its our mom
DAVE: hey mom
ROXY: hi!!!
DAVE: well not mom
DAVE: your actual name instead of that i guess
DAVE: roxy i think
ROXY: u think right
ROXY: moms ok too tho
DAVE: i dunno that might be weird
DAVE: calling you that all the time
DAVE: rose would that be weird
ROSE: It would probably get a little weird.
DAVE: so mom
DAVE: im just going to jump right into the fuckin frying pan here
DAVE: like tape off a no bullshit zone for a while
DAVE: if thats ok
ROXY: a frying pan in the no bullshit zone??
ROXY: sounds intense
ROXY: who is manning this pan and who gave him clearance for the no bs zone
DAVE: captain Serious is at the pan and he got the go-ahead from lieutenant Doesnt Fuckaround of the Heartattack Armada
ROXY: isnt lieutenant a lower rank than captain
ROXY: who put this dude in charge of such an important pan
DAVE: um i dont know maybe it is?
DAVE: ok like its cool that you even know that fact but this is exactly the kind of fuckery the no bs zone doesnt cotton to no matter what sorta cookware is involved or which pseudomilitary organization regulates its borders
DAVE: i just have some questions about you and about stuff in general so rather than mumble through a conversation that sounds mostly like the stuff we literally just got done sayin, sweet though that would be, im gonna machine gun some shit at you lighting round style
ROXY: a machine gun lightning round in a frying pan!!!!!
ROXY: god.........DAMN
DAVE: i know right?
DAVE: so
DAVE: you are my biological mother
ROXY: yes
DAVE: and roses
ROXY: yes
DAVE: and therefore bear at least partial and like biologically incidental responsibility for why we are both so fucked up
ROXY: yes
DAVE: but you yourself are a paradox clone
ROXY: um... i guess?
DAVE: which means
DAVE: you didnt even have bio parents
DAVE: you originated from yourself
ROXY: guess so!
DAVE: so you really dont have anyone to blame for who you are except weirdly and paradoxically yourself
ROXY: um.. y.. yes?
ROSE: Dave.
DAVE: wait ok
DAVE: sorry if that sounded rude i didnt mean it rudely
DAVE: i mean
DAVE: you did have a "parental figure" who you i guess modeled yourself after in a way
DAVE: or were influenced by i mean
DAVE: an old version of rose from a long time ago
ROXY: yes!
DAVE: and my bro was the same way
DAVE: or
DAVE: your friend i mean
ROXY: dirk!
DAVE: he was a paradox clone of himself
DAVE: and he like
DAVE: did kind of the same thing
DAVE: modeled himself after...
ROXY: ...
DAVE: why dont we not talk about dirk
DAVE: can we change the subject
ROXY: you brought him up!!
DAVE: i know
DAVE: i know
DAVE: look
DAVE: i bring up a lot of things
DAVE: and then have to back track a lot of those things i bring up
DAVE: cause sometimes the things i bring up are ill advised to say or make people uncomfortable or make me uncomfortable
DAVE: its just a thing about me
ROXY: ooh!
ROXY: just had a thought
ROXY: do i get to do a lightning round at you next??
DAVE: i guess so yeah
DAVE: depends on if you want to keep sitting in this goddamn pan
ROXY: hmm i dunno
ROXY: maybe our asses are gettin too hot
DAVE: maybe you should speak for yourself
ROSE: DAVE!
DAVE: SHIT
ROXY: lol
DAVE: no mom look
DAVE: roxy i mean
DAVE: its like i was just saying
DAVE: i just say things it is just like this force of nature no one can control or even try to, least of all me
DAVE: we just have to cross our fingers and hope for the best
DAVE: and that my one man verbal slapstick routine isnt too freudian in nature or at least not that often
DAVE: anyway lets pretend i didnt just insinuate you have a hot ass and move on
ROXY: ;)
DAVE: i heard something about wizards
DAVE: you hells into wizards like rose?
ROXY: YES
DAVE: ok well that is a predictable if somewhat bland fact
DAVE: lets see if we can dig a lil deeper
DAVE: dont get me wrong wizards are ok i guess
ROXY: oh yeah? well maybe YOURE ok
DAVE: yeah, im alright
DAVE: wizards are better at magic than me
DAVE: but im better than wizards at rap
DAVE: so i guess it breaks even
DAVE: or it would if i was a pretend jackass in silly robes and a dumb beard
DAVE: so point goes to dave
ROSE: (Sigh.)
DAVE: do you like rap
ROXY: kinda!
ROXY: dirk loves rap so i...
ROXY: ummm haha never mind
ROXY: forgot we werent talkin about that
DAVE: well what do you like to do
ROXY: i like...........
ROXY: cats!!!
DAVE: ok that is a fair opinion but cats arent actually an activity or anything
ROXY: theyyy kinda were for me though!
ROXY: i uh
ROXY: used to clone them
ROXY: i may have um
ROXY: gotten a little carried away
DAVE: cat cloning huh
DAVE: that sounds like a pretty dope hobby
DAVE: i think were getting somewhere
DAVE: so you had access to that kind of stuff becaused you lived in a scifi world
ROXY: a scifi world?
DAVE: yeah the future
DAVE: what was the future like
ROXY: watery
ROXY: fulla chess people
ROXY: lots o pumpkins
ROXY: u kno
ROXY: usual dystopian stuff
DAVE: i see
DAVE: and it was just the chess guys and you
DAVE: like alone
DAVE: no other people except for bro
DAVE: who i guess was way off somewhere?
ROXY: yup
DAVE: sounds like kind of a bummer
ROXY: yeah
ROXY: i talked to my friends a lot though
ROXY: via computers n shit
DAVE: thats cool
DAVE: me too
DAVE: maybe when it comes down to it our lives werent that different
DAVE: except for the extinction of humanity part
DAVE: my humans were just
DAVE: imminently extinct is all
DAVE: i didnt have chess guys around though
DAVE: theyre actually good company
ROXY: yeah!!
DAVE: my best best best best best friend is a chess guy
DAVE: hes the mayor
DAVE: ill have to introduce you to him soon
DAVE: youll love the mayor everybody loves the mayor
ROXY: wanna meet the mayor!
DAVE: dont worry ill put in a good word for you pretty sure we can find an opening in his schedule
DAVE: tell me more
ROXY: more?
DAVE: about you
ROXY: damn dude
ROXY: this frying pan...
ROXY: shit be SIZZLIN
DAVE: fuck yeah
DAVE: aside from cat breeding how else did you pass the time
ROXY: ummmmmmmm
ROXY: writin
ROXY: um
ROXY: a FAIR amount of uh
ROXY: lets say recreational liquid intake
ROXY: and uhh
ROXY: oh um hacking
DAVE: haha seriously
DAVE: like actual hacking
ROXY: yeah!
ROXY: well computer programming rly
ROXY: hacking is just what u call it to sound cool
ROXY: there wasnt even much shit around to "hack"
DAVE: so kinda like john
DAVE: except
DAVE: i think he pretty much sucked at his codes
ROXY: hahahahaha really
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: he seemed to find it frustrating mainly
DAVE: his bitching about it is literally my only point of reference for his degree of proficiency
DAVE: youre good though right
DAVE: i bet youre good
ROXY: tha BEST 8)
DAVE: knew it
ROXY: maybe i could give him some pointers on the leet haxx
DAVE: fuck yes
DAVE: hed be all about that
DAVE: or i think he should be which is all that matters
DAVE: do that and insist on it if he gets weirdly obstinate or like tries to pretend he doesnt like programming anymore
ROXY: ok
DAVE: what else
ROXY: oh umm
ROXY: idk dave i might be runnin outta shit to say!
DAVE: you sure
ROXY: iiii
ROXY: liked to play games?
DAVE: what games
ROXY: uh mostly...
ROXY: the nintendos
DAVE: i see
DAVE: which nintendos
ROXY: a whole bunch of nintendos!!
ROXY: like lotsa diff systems n titles
ROXY: i dunno if the ones i associate strongly with would have the same meaning like culturally speaking for you
ROXY: because to me they were all like cool ancient relics that kept me somewhat in touch with a world that was long gone
DAVE: that makes sense
DAVE: thats mostly the relationship i have now with garbage romcoms
DAVE: largely because karkat likes watchin em
DAVE: so these godforsaken flicks have helped keep me grounded in our dead civilization in a weird way
DAVE: but re: games...
DAVE: i didnt have nintendos
DAVE: my bro had xbox so i played that sometimes
DAVE: but he mostly had all these shitty skating games
DAVE: and like 20 different tony hawk titles
DAVE: i would mainly just play them to fuck around
DAVE: like find spectacular ways to crash and flop around like a douchey ragdoll
DAVE: or figure out ways to get halfway stuck inside concrete fixtures and obstacles
DAVE: and watch all these cool fratty bros twitch and flop ad infinitum
DAVE: like struggling valiantly and earnestly forever against the shitty and deeply flawed physics of their confining virtual prison
DAVE: i saw them as tragic figures
ROXY: that sounds incredible tbh
DAVE: pretty much
ROXY: do u think we can play games together some time?
ROXY: wanna see ur majestic skatebros in their element
DAVE: oh my dick yes
ROSE: Dave.
DAVE: what
ROXY: ok ok !
ROXY: i think its
ROXY: my turn??
ROXY: keep your ass in the pan buddy u gona get GRILLED
DAVE: thats fair
ROXY: oh um
ROXY: rose please dont think im excluding you!
ROXY: jump in the convo any time k?
DAVE: meh shes fine
ROXY: :p
ROSE: I'm perfectly happy serving as a spectator and occasional officiator of this conversation.
ROSE: It's quite entertaining to behold, really. I love watching how different personalities collide with each other upon meeting.
ROSE: Neither of you is failing to disappoint.
ROXY: lmao
ROXY: god is EVERYONE in this family tree a psychoanalyst???
DAVE: yo thats been like
DAVE: her EXACT top preoccupation since she was a fuckin baby
DAVE: didnt she tell you
ROXY: haha no
ROXY: but yeah makes sense
ROXY: but like, youre all mr funny interrogation right now, rose is quite possibly a literal therapist in training i guess?? and uh dirk is dirk
ROXY: just makes ya think is all
DAVE: were all fucked up, the end
DAVE: so what you wanna know mom
DAVE: ..rox