JADE: it wont be earth for much longer
JADE: it will be home to the new empire
JADE: i will deliver it to the universe we create
JADE: or i should say the one YOU create
JADE: if you are obedient and complete the tasks you are assigned, you may have a place in the empire among the subservient classes
KARKAT: BRRRRRR!
KARKAT: DID YOU FEEL THAT TOO KANAYA? A CHILL JUST RAN DOWN MY TORSO PILLAR DUE TO ALL THE *PURE EVIL* THAT BRAINWASHED JADE IS SAYING! I'M FUCKING PETRIFIED, SOMEBODY HELP ME CHANGE MY SMELLY PANTS!
KARKAT: LISTEN JADE. AND OTHER RANDOM EVIL GIRL, YOU LISTEN TOO. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID LITTLE GLOBE OR YOUR OMINOUS ALLUSIONS TO NEW EMPIRES OR WHAT SORT OF PARIAHS WE CAN EXPECT TO BE IN YOUR BOGUS DREAM DYSTOPIA.
KARKAT: THERE IS ONLY ONE COURSE OF ACTION FROM YOU WHICH I WILL TOLERATE, AND THAT IS FEEDING ME A STEADY DIET OF FUCKING ANSWERS! NOT CAGEY, SMIRK-TORTURED INFO-MORSELS DELIVERED BETWEEN SHITTY VILLAIN CHUCKLES, I WANT AN UNINTERRUPTED SPATE OF HARD, UNEMBELLISHED DATA WHICH HAS ONLY ONE PURPOSE, AND THAT IS TO GET ME PERSONALLY UP TO SPEED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING, RIGHT THIS BLOOD SHITTING SECOND!!!!!
JADE: karkat i had almost forgotten how much i missed our repartee
JADE: thank you for reminding me, that outburst was beautiful
JADE: if youre frustrated by the way im treating you look at it this way... im not asking you for passwords anymore am i?
KARKAT: HAHA! YOU THINK I CARE ABOUT PASSWORDS?
KARKAT: COMPARED TO THIS, THE PASSWORDS WERE A GODDAMN LAWNMEAL!!! WITH A CHECKERED TABLECLOTH AND EVERYTHING! FUN FOR ALL INVOLVED, ESPECIALLY THE MARCHBUGS SNEAKING THE CRUMBS AWAY!
KARKAT: I WOULD FUCKING KILL TO HAVE TO GIVE YOU PASSWORDS AGAIN, ESPECIALLY IF IT MEANT UNLOCKING REGULAR JADE FROM HER CORRUPTED EMPIRE SERVING BARKFIEND STATE!
KARKAT: *IS* THERE A PASSWORD LIKE THAT JADE? CAN I START GUESSING AT IT??
KARKAT: LET'S SEE, SINCE YOU APPEAR TO BE SOME SORT OF WILD CARNIVOROUS FURRY NOW, IT PROBABLY HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH MEAT, DOESN'T IT?
KARKAT: SAUSAGES?
KARKAT: IT'S SAUSAGES ISN'T IT
KARKAT: AM I CLOSE? SOMETHING IN THE SAUSAGE DEPARTMENT.
KARKAT: SNOUT SAUSAGES?
KARKAT: GRUBWURST!
KARKAT: HOOF LOAF??
KARKAT: HAMSTEAK!!!
JADE: sorry karkat, there is no password. not this time
JADE: if you continue to list meat products then im afraid the only thing you will unlock is my fearsome doggy hunger
JADE: and believe me, you dont want to see me when im doggy hungry
KARKAT: (ROLLING MY DAMN EYES)
JADE: but if you insist on hounding me (hehe) for some sort of explanation, its all pretty simple
JADE: we all recently arrived in this brand new session... janes session actually
JADE: this is jane btw. say hi jane
JANE: .
JADE: lol
JADE: jane is actually my biological mother believe it or not
KARKAT: THIS STORY SUCKS SO FAR!
JADE: shh!
JADE: but her session was taken over by the woman who you might call our mutual great grandmother
JADE: shes an alien. a very powerful troll queen actually
KARKAT: YEAH! THE EMPRESS IS HERE! I THINK WE ALREADY MANAGED TO DEDUCE THAT!
JADE: karkat you are the one who demanded an "UNINTERRUPTED SPATE OF HARD, UNEMBELLISHED DATA"
JADE: ill thank you to not to yell at me for doing exactly what you requested
KARKAT: (KANAYA, DO YOU SEE WHAT I HAD TO DEAL WITH)
KANAYA: (You Do Realize I Spoke To Jade Plenty Of Times Myself)
KARKAT: (YOU DID?)
KARKAT: (OH YEAH)
KARKAT: (I GUESS I FORGOT ABOUT THAT)
JADE: her imperious condescension is in control now
JADE: she intends to carry out the remaining objectives to complete the session
JADE: those tasks will be distributed among several recently recruited agents of course
JADE: (thats you!)
JADE: this should come as a relief to you since it means you and she are not in opposition at all
JADE: in fact you share all the same goals!
JADE: the only difference is that when the time comes she will be the one claiming the ultimate reward
JADE: the spoils will be hers not ours... get it?
KARKAT: I THINK SO!
KARKAT: SHE WANTS US ALL TO GET A NICE HEAD START ON OUR DECADENT NEW LIFE OF SLAVERY PROMISED FOR US ON YOUR SCALE MODEL OF ALTERNIEARTH.
KARKAT: THAT SOUNDS SUPER! DOESN'T THAT SOUND SUPER KANAYA?
KANAYA: No
KARKAT: I THINK I SPEAK FOR KANAYA WHEN I SAY IT SOUNDS Really Fucking Super.
KARKAT: HOW DO WE GET STARTED??? I AM JUST BEFOULING MY ALREADY-PUNGENT DRAWERS OVER THE OPPORTUNITY TO GET DOWN TO BUSINESS AND START DOING SLAVERY!
JADE: excellent
JADE: what you will need to do is ready the young frog for its journey to skaia
JADE: i will prepare skaia to receive it by deploying the battlefield from our old session
JADE: this will bring fertility to the void session and allow the frog to mature when he completes his journey
KARKAT: SO YOU WANT US TO MAKE ANOTHER FROG?
JADE: no!
JADE: i already made one actually
JADE: dont you remember??
KARKAT: UH
JADE: really your job is so easy
JADE: theres no more frog breeding involved at all
JADE: when the time is right, you just have to release the one thats already there
KARKAT: WHERE IS IT?
JADE: it fell into the forge
JADE: in the years since it has sunk all the way down to the planets core
JADE: but as it happens that is exactly where it should be!
JADE: my denizen is now guarding it
JADE: as im sure kanaya already knows it will not be released unless you travel there and formally request that she do so
KARKAT: OH YEAH?
KARKAT: IF IT'S THAT SIMPLE, THEN WHY DON'T YOU DO IT!
KARKAT: YOU CAN USE YOUR DOG TELEPORTATION OR WHATEVER.
JADE: i already did
JADE: echidna will not speak with me
KARKAT: HAHAHA!
KARKAT: WHY NOT?
KARKAT: COULD IT BE DUE TO THE FACT THAT YOU'RE A CRAPPY EVIL VERSION OF YOURSELF, AND THE MIGHTY ECHIDNA JUST POSSIBLY HAS TOO MUCH SELF RESPECT TO BOTHER DIGNIFYING THE FARCE YOU'VE BECOME?
JADE: it is not important why, and it changes nothing
JADE: she said she would only speak with another hero of space
JADE: that would be kanaya
JADE: she also cryptically requested the presence of the knight who once helped her with breeding duties
JADE: karkat i gather that would be you
KARKAT: ME???
KARKAT: WHY WOULD SHE ASK TO SEE ME
KARKAT: ANOTHER SPACE PLAYER I COULD UNDERSTAND, BUT WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO DO WITH THIS?
JADE: i dont know karkat
JADE: that is your problem, not mine
JADE: maybe you should try feeling grateful she asked for you
KARKAT: GRATEFUL?!
JADE: youre getting the chance to set right what went so horribly wrong
JADE: to atone for your hasty first attempt at frog breeding which resulted in a terminal universe
JADE: if i were you i would feel pretty relieved to get a second chance, but thats just me :p
KARKAT: WOW...
KARKAT: WOW!!!!!!!
KARKAT: KANAYA, IT'S OFFICIAL. JADE HAS TURNED INTO SOME SORT OF GROSS NIGHTMARE BITCH!
KARKAT: AS THE BELEAGUERED AND LONG SUFFERING LEADER, ALBEIT *STILL* LEADER OF OUR PARTY, I MOTION THAT WE DON'T DO ANYTHING SHE SAYS, OR ANYTHING TO HELP THE EMPRESS EVEN IF IT OVERLAPS WITH OUR OWN INTERESTS, AND STOP LISTENING TO WERE-HARLEY UNTIL SHE SNAPS OUT OF HER BRUTAL IDIOT COMA!
KANAYA: I Second Your Motion
KARKAT: THE MOTION PASSES WITH AN OVERWHELMING MAJORITY OF VOTES AMONG PEOPLE IN THE IMMEDIATE VICINITY WHO AREN'T HORRIBLE!