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This young troll stands in his respiteblock. It just so happens that today, the 12th bilunar perigee of the 6th dark season's equinox, is the day of this young troll's larval awakening, also known as his wriggling day. Though it was six solar sweeps ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!
Six Alternian solar sweeps, for convenient reference, is equivalent to thirteen Earth years.
Earth, also for convenient reference, is a planet that does not yet exist.
You enter something predictably derogatory and this guy gets fed up by your shenanigans in record time.
This guy has a lot of troll pals and their adventures are going to be quite extensive and convoluted, to an even greater degree than one perhaps may be accustomed. He thinks that if you think that we have time to drag out every little gag and expected pattern along the way, you've got another thing coming. He thinks you should cram that sobering understanding in your chitinous windhole, and tamp it down hard with your ugly stupid looking cartilage nub.
Your name is KARKAT VANTAS. As was previously mentioned, it is your WRIGGLING DAY, which is barely even worth mentioning. It is an anniversary, if anything, to lament the faults of your existence, of which there are assuredly plenty.
Equally plenty, and somewhat related to that topic, are your INTERESTS. You have a passion for RIDICULOUSLY TERRIBLE ROMANTIC MOVIES AND ROMCOMS. You should really be EMBARRASSED for liking this DREADFUL CINEMA, but for some reason you are not. You like to program computers, but you are NOTORIOUSLY PRETTY AWFUL AT IT. Your programs invariably damage the machines on which they are executed, which is just as well, since you like to believe you specialize in COMPUTER VIRUSES. When you mature, you aspire to join the ranks of the most lethal members of your society, the THRESHECUTIONERS. You like to practice with your REALLY COOL SICKLE, but just wind up looking like KIND OF A DOOFUS BY YOURSELF IN YOUR ROOM.
You like to chat with some of your other troll pals, most of which drive you BATSHIT UP THE FUCKING BELFRY. You have been trying out a new chat client beta called TROLLIAN, and you are NOT REALLY SURE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT IT YET. Your trolltag is carcinoGeneticist and you speak in a manner that is ALMOST EXCLUSIVELY ORNERY, ALL THE TIME.
Later, you will play a game with 5 other friends, and go on a big adventure with them. This game, for convenient reference, is a game that DOES NOT YET EXIST.
It is your RECUPERACOON full of nourishing SOPOR SLIME. Every young troll enjoys the cozy embrace of such a vessel each night, and the relaxing ooze helps assuage the terrible visions of blood and carnage that plague the dark subconscious of your species.
Ok, it's time to get serious here. Sweet Troll Jegus. Let's get real and get down to some major business.
You space out and get caught up reading the titles of the films for about five minutes. Wow these movies are great. You don't care what anyone says. Pure magic.
Is that...
Is that John Cusack?
The thing that most people don't realize is that John Cusack is a universal constant.
You grab your trusty SICKLE with your ENCRYPTION MODUS. To retrieve it, you'll need to hack the code to open the CARD VAULT left behind.
This will obviously prove to be a completely ridiculous and untenable way of managing an inventory, and lead to a great many follies. Later on, you would swap your modus with your hacker friend, a guy who unlike you happens to be competent with programming. It would only make sense.
But for the time being it makes your life kind of a nightmare. There are so many stupid things that happen because of this modus. So many, you just have no idea.
It is a thick programming manual called "~ATH - A HANDBOOK FOR THE IMMINENTLY DECEASED."
~ATH is an insufferable language to work with. Its logic is composed of nothing but infinite loops, or at best, loops of effectively interminable construction.
The above page in the intro section documents the simplest possible ~ATH code structure. Any code deviating from this basic structure will not compile.
You have a whole bunch of code samples you've been messing around with on your computer. It's been frustrating at best, and debilitating to your machine at worst.
You step outside your respiteblock, onto one of your hive's numerous extraterraneal landing slats. You were allowed to design this hive when you were young, after you emerged victorious from your trials deep in the brooding caverns. You have lived here with your CUSTODIAN ever since.
It's almost as if your people have placed great cultural importance on teaching children to become architecturally adept while very young. It has been this way since ancient times. No one seems to know why that is.
Getting to build your own hive at a young age using whatever meandering design you chose likely has left you jaded to the notion of customizing your abode. You certainly wouldn't get all that worked up about a game that happened to allow you to do such a thing.
The lawnrings are empty. Blood skims the voids in your porous cranial plates, as if grazing the hollow of a threshed stem, or say, an abandoned cocoon. A sour note is produced. It's the one Agitation plays to make its audience squirm.
It is your sixth wriggling day, and as with all five preceding it blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
You don't have time for fancy poetry. It's almost as useless as those arm-swing flappy things on mailboxes, assuming you even knew what those were, which you don't. Trolls don't have mail. Mail is almost as useless as poetry to them. Poetry is the swing arm flappy dealy of words, and mail is the red tilty lever doodad of giving people shit.
Frankly you don't know about things skimming voids or grazing hollows or whatever. You've got AMBITION. You were meant to be a bigshot. To be in charge of something huge and really important, and to be totally ruthless about it. You just haven't found the dominion in which you're destined for greatness yet. Or even a vague concept of it. You haven't found your purpose. But you will tonight.
You stew in your own impotent aggravation in the cool dusk breeze. During the dark seasons, it remains dusk for most of the day. It can stay dark for many bilunar perigees at a time. But even if it didn't, you would still have this feeling...
You head back into your block and hit up your computer station. No word from any of your loudmouth pals. No news is good news. Sweet music to your auricular sponge clots.
It is a DVD of one of your favorite series, THE THRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR.
It's about a green threshecutioner cadet who sasses up the bluebloods in his flaysquad pretty good. Their blood is literally blue. Lousy snobs. But Troll Will Smith shows them all how to loosen up. He is pretty much your hero.
Troll TV shows have shorter titles than troll movies because TV is a much newer form of media in their society. Which is a good thing because it would be pretty hard to make this funny joke otherwise.
Ok enough messing around time to get some work done maybe a little programming or oh god.
It figures that installing this new beta chat client would open the floodgates. All your moron friends are going to be hounding you relentlessly. Not that they needed an excuse before.
|PESTERLOG|
terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
TC: wHaT iS uUuUuP mY iNvErTeBrOtHeR? CG: WHAT IN THE SWEET ALMIGHTY TAINTCHAFING FUCK DO YOU WANT. TC: NoT a MoThErFuCkInG tHiNg BrO. TC: oThEr ThAn I bE cHeCkIn OuT hOw My BeSt MoThErFuCkIn FrIeNd Is At Yo. CG: I REALLY CAN'T STAND YOU AND I HATE HOW YOU TYPE, IT JUST BOTHERS ME SO MUCH, HAVE I MENTIONED THAT? TC: YoU SaY iT pReTtY mUcH eVeRy TiMe We TaLk YeAh. TC: but uh, i don't have to... TC: uhhh see? TC: but i mean man this feels so motherfuckin unnatural and shit. TC: YoU jUsT gOt To Be GoInG wItH wHaT fEeLs RiGhT aT wHeRe YoUr HeArT's Up In, YoU kNoW? TC: bEsT fRiEnD. CG: I WONDER WHAT KIND OF SHITTY THING I DID TO DESERVE SUCH AN AWFUL BEST FRIEND. CG: OR MAYBE WHAT TERRIBLE THING I'M GOING TO DO AND GET PUNISHED FOR IN ADVANCE. CG: MAYBE I'M JUST LIKE PREEMPTIVELY THE WORST FUCKING PIECE OF TRASH WHO EVER LIVED AND DON'T EVEN KNOW IT YET, BUT HEY LOOK, YOUR FRIENDSHIP IS EXHIBIT A I GUESS. TC: It'S sUcH a BeAuTiFuL tHiNg. TC: ThIs TrOlL dIsEaSe CaLlEd FrIeNdShIp. CG: FRIENDSHIP ISN'T A DISEASE SHITSPONGE. CG: IT'S LIKE... CG: A MISTAKE. CG: A BIG JOKE OF NATURE. TC: iT's A mIrAcLe. CG: OH NO, DON'T. CG: DON'T START WITH THE MIRACLES AGAIN. TC: MaN eVeRyWhErE i LoOk... TC: aLlS i SeE iS mOtHeRfUcKiN mIrAcLeS. TC: It'S sO sPiRiTuAl, AlL tHeSe mIrAcLeS aNd ShIt. TC: oK lIkE jUsT bE tAkIn tHiS fUcKiN tItS bOtTlE oF fUcKiN fAyGo I jUsT cRaCkEd Up OpEn. TC: AnD hOw It'S bEiNg AlL lIkE hIsSiNg AnD sHiT. TC: mOtHeRfUcKiN hIsSiNg MaN, wHo WeNt AlL aNd ToLd It To Do ThAt? TC: HoW wOuLd It EvEn Do ThAt, It'S cRaZy. TC: iT's A mIrAcLe. CG: IT'S CARBONATION YOU IGNORANT DOUCHE. CG: TRY GETTING SCHOOLFED SOME TIME INSTEAD OF SLURPING DOWN THAT WEIRD SWILL ALL DAY AND FONDLING YOUR STUPID HORNS. TC: No No BrO, i DoN't WaNnA kNoW, dOn'T eVeN tElL mE. TC: kNoWiNg ShIt JuSt StEaLs Up AlL tHe FuCkIn MaGiC fRoM mY mIrAcLeS lIkE a MoThErFuCkIn ThIeF. TC: AnD tHaT aIn'T cOoL. CG: THE ONLY MIRACLE IS THAT YOU LIKE THAT DISGUSTING SLUDGE, WHERE DO YOU EVEN GET THAT STUFF. CG: IT'S ALSO A MIRACLE HOW YOU DRESS LIKE AN IMBECILE AND ARE BASICALLY THE STUPIDEST ASSHOLE I'VE EVER KNOWN. CG: ACTUALLY YOU'RE RIGHT, THERE ARE MIRACLES EVERYWHERE, I'VE BEEN A FOOL. TC: sEe MaN, i Am StRaIgHt Up TeLlInG yOu. TC: MiRaClEs. TC: iT's LiKe, AlRiGhT, cOmPuTeRs, RiGhT? TC: WhAt ThE fUcK? TC: mIrAcLeS iS wHaT. CG: FUCK YOU. CG: FUCK YOU FOR ME JUST READING THAT. TC: AnYwAy WhAt'S uP wItH yOuR bAd SeLf, FoR sErIoUs HeRe. TC: iSn'T sOmEtHiNg BiG aLl GoInG dOwN? CG: WHAT? TC: i HeArD sOmEtHiNg bIg WaS gOiNg AlL dOwN. TC: JuSt AlL bE tElLiNg Me AlL wHaT mOtHeRfUcKiN iT's Up AnD aLl AbOuT. CG: STOP SAYING ALL. ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT TA'S THING? TC: yEaH!! fUcK yEaH mAn, So MyStErIoUs. TC: I'm NeVeR bEiNg GeTtInG cEaSeD tO bE aMaZeD bY aLl ThEsE fUcKiN mYsTeRiEs LiFe'S gOt FoR uS. CG: UUUUUUGH. CG: ANYWAY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S UP WITH THAT. CG: MAYBE I'LL TALK TO HIM TONIGHT ABOUT IT. MAYBE I WON'T. CG: IT'S PROBABLY JUST ANOTHER ONE OF HIS PROJECTS THAT WINDS UP BEING COMPLETELY USELESS AND A HUGE WASTE OF MY TIME. TC: yEaH mAyBe BuT hE's YoUr BeSt FrIeNd ThOuGh So It'S aLl CoOl. TC: AnYwAy I tHoUgHt ThIs SoUnDeD lIkE a PrEtTy BiG mOtHeRfUcKiN dEaL mY mAn. TC: aAaUuUhHh... CG: WHAT. TC: Aw BrO nEvErMiNd, I jUsT fUcKiN dId LiKe To ScArE tHe ShIt OuTtA mYsElF hErE. TC: tHeSe DaMn HoRnS. CG: YOU'VE GOT TO GET RID OF THOSE THINGS. CG: THEY MAKE IT MORE EMBARRASSING TO KNOW YOU. CG: WHICH IS A FRIGGIN MIRACLE THAT THAT'S EVEN POSSIBLE. CG: LIKE, WOW, GOD SURE COOKED UP A DOOZY THERE. CG: TWINKLY EYED SON OF A BITCH JUST KEEPS YOU GUESSING, DOESN'T HE. TC: MaN yOu KnOw YoU wAnNa GiVe My HoRnS a GoOd SqUeEzE. :o) CG: ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHAT WILL BE THE MIRACLE TO END ALL MIRACLES? CG: IT'LL BE IF I EVER MEET A KID I DESPISE MORE THAN YOU. CG: THAT WILL MAKE ME A MOTHERFUCKIN CONVERT. CG: I'LL SEE LIGHT SO BRIGHT I'LL NEED GC TO WALK ME AROUND SO I DON'T BUMP INTO SHIT. CG: SIGN ME UP FOR YOUR IDIOTIC CLOWN RELIGION OK. TC: hAhAhAhA yOu fUcKiN gOt It BrOtHeR!
Whoa what the motherfuck, who's this motherfuckin' motherfucker?
It's cool, life is like that sometimes. It's full of mysteries. You'll be doing one thing then something else hits you just like that and you roll with it. That's what you do when life hands you lemons. You sure as fuck don't make lemonade because who the fuck knows where that fuckin' shit comes from?
You get pretty excited by CLOWNS OF A GRIM PERSUASION WHICH MAY NOT BE IN FULL POSSESSION OF THEIR MENTAL FACULTIES. You belong to a RATHER OBSCURE CULT, which foretells of a BAND OF ROWDY AND CAPRICIOUS MINSTRELS which will rise one day on a MYTHICAL PARADISE PLANET that does not exist yet. The beliefs of this cult are SOMEWHAT FROWNED UPON by those dwelling in more common lawnrings. But you don't care, you got to be going with what feels right at where your heart's up in, you know? You like to practice on your ONE WHEEL DEVICE, which you are GOD AWFUL AT because your FEET DO NOT REACH THE PEDALS. You enjoy a FINE BEVERAGE, and like to do A LITTLE BAKING SOMETIMES. You've got ALL THESE HORNS all over the place, and sometimes you step on them and SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF YOURSELF.
You like to chat a lot with your pal Karkat, who is usually pretty cranky, but he is your BEST FRIEND. You have a lot of OTHER GREAT FRIENDS who you also like a lot. Your trolltag is terminallyCapricious and you speak in a manner that is JuSt A lItTlE bIt WhImSiCaL.
You decide to give this diabolical contraption another shot. Maybe one of these days you will get one more suited to your proportions. For now this is all you have to work with.
You just have to figure out how to stay on the thing without flying off the handle.
|PESTERLOG|
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]
GC: H3Y G4MZ33Z YOU W4NT TO PL4Y G4M3Z3Z W1TH M3?? TC: hEy YeAh ThAt SoUnDs LiKe ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN sHiT's BiTcHtItS! GC: >8\ GC: 1T SUR3 1S H4RD TO 1GNOR3 TH3 W31RD TH1NGS YOU S4Y SOM3T1M3S! GC: BUT 1M GONN4 GC: TH3 ONLY R34SON 1M 4SK1NG YOU 1S B3C4US3 YOUR N4M3 1S L1K3 G4M3 GC: 4ND NO OTH3R R34SON GC: G3T 1T??? >:] TC: HaHa WeLl I hEaRd Of WoRsE fUcKiN rEaSoNs To Be GeTtIn AlL aBoUt To Do SoMeThInG. TC: :o) hOnK GC: NO TH4T SHOULD BOTH3R YOU, TH4T R34SON GC: WHY DONT TH1NGS L1K3 TH4T BOTH3R YOU?? GC: NO WOND3R V4NT4S C4NT ST4ND YOU GC: BUT WHO C4R3S 4BOUT H1M, W3R3 GO1NG TO H4V3 SOM3 MOTH3RFUCK1NG SH1TTY B1TCH3S PL4Y1NG TOG3TH3R! GC: OR WH4T3V3R YOU S41D TC: sO iS tHiS tHe GaMe I'vE hEaRd AbOuT? TC: ThE bIg MyStErY? GC: Y34H TC: wHoA oK uHhH... TC: ThIs Is GoInG tO bE fUcKiN iNsAnE. TC: bUt CaN wE pLaY a LiTtLe LaTeR? TC: I'm OuTsIdE kEePiNg An EyE oUt HeRe FoR tHe OlD gOaT. TC: yOu KnOw HoW iT iS wItH fAmIlY. GC: NO, NOT R34LLY! GC: 4DURRRR DURR DURP TC: Oh YeAh... GC: DURRRRRRRRRRRRR GC: W4Y TO GO, HOW DO3S TH4T STUP1D BOTTL3D SYRUP OF YOURS T4ST3 W1TH YOUR HOOF SO F4R UP YOUR MOUTH??? GC: >:] TC: sOoOoOoOrY. TC: AnYwAy I'lL gO iNsIdE iN a WhIlE, wHy DoN't YoU gEt KaRkAt To FiRe Up ThAt MoThErFuCkEr WiTh YoU? TC: hE lIkEs GaMeS. GC: OH NOOOOO. GC: GOD C4N YOU 1M4G1N3 4LL TH3 B1TCH1NG 4ND MO4N1NG? GC: 1 US3D TO TRY TO PL4Y STUFF W1TH H1M BUT WOW D1D 1 L34RN MY L3SSON. TC: AlRiGhT, wElL i'Ll TrY tO gEt In AnD gEt Up On My ChIlL rEaL sOoN aNd We CaN pLaY. TC: jUsT gIvE mE a MiNuTe! GC: BULLSH1T! GC: YOU KNOW YOUR3 JUST GO1NG TO S1T TH3R3 ON TH3 B34CH 4ND SP4C3 OUT 4ND LOS3 TR4CK OF T1M3. GC: H3LLO? GC: G4MZ????? TC: WhAt? TC: oH mAn SoRrY. TC: I sPaCeD oUt, DiD yOu KnOw HoW bEaTuFuL tHe SoUnD oF tHe OcEaN iS? TC: hAvE yOu EvEr EvEn SeEn ThE oCeAn? TC: oR i MeAn SmElLeD iT... TC: SoRrY. GC: >:[
Finally some peace and quiet. Now you can bear down on your coding. This will surely last all evening, without interruption.
You reopen one of your ~ATH projects you started recently. You are still horsing around with the conditions for terminating the loops.
What many ~ATH coders do is import finite constructs and bind the loops to their lifespan. For instance the main loop here will terminate on the death of the universe, labeled U. That way you only have to wait billions of years for it to end instead of forever.
You have bound a subloop to the lifespan of the code's author, which is you. Any routine at the end will execute when you die. You figure this might be handy for coding something to release a final will and testament. Or maybe some doomsday virus. You spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make the perfect doomsday virus.
Conveniently absent from ~ATH's extensive import library are entities with short lifespans. Like a rapidly decaying particle that only lasts a millisecond sure would be handy. Or even a fruit fly or something. But no, coding with this language is all about finding ways to trick it into doing what you want.
Your hacker buddy is obnoxiously good at it. He's sent you some files which you still don't understand, but you're not going to admit that. He is even better at making viruses than you, which really gets stuck in your nook.
This code, when executed, immediately causes the user's computer to explode, and places a curse on the user forever, along with everyone he knows, and everyone he'll ever meet.
Not surprisingly, later on you would run this code in a fit of stupidity.
You don't know how he does stuff like this. What does this even mean? It's nonsense. Is it even syntactically viable?? Are you allowed to color text like that??? ARGH. Maybe you should ask him about it some time.
Oh speak of the devil. Here he is bugging you about something. Time to put on your game face and pretend you don't think very highly of his abilities.
|PESTERLOG|
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
TA: KK dont fliip your 2hiit about thii2 but iim 2ettiing you up two play a game wiith 2ome people. CG: WHY WOULD I FLIP MY SHIT ABOUT THAT. TA: becau2e you fliip your 2hiit about everythiing. CG: WELL WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS. CG: HERE IS MY SHIT, AND YET IT REMAINS UNFLIPPED. CG: JUST SITTING THERE ON THE SKILLET, GETTING BURNED ON ONE SIDE. CG: IT'S A MIRACLE. TA: oh no are you iinto miiracle2 now two becau2e iif you are youre fiired preemptiively from the game. CG: FUCK NO. TA: ok niice. CG: MIRACLES ARE LIKE POOP STAINS ON GOD'S UNDERWEAR. TA: eheheh makiing fun of people2 reliigiion2 i2 the be2t thiing two do. CG: THAT'S WHY HE HIDES THEM, THEY'RE FUCKING EMBARRASSING. CG: GOD LAUNDERS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS. TA: eheheheheh riight on but let2 2hut our mouth2 a 2econd and talk about thii2 game. TA: iitll only be a 2econd really you dont have two do two much. CG: OK, GOOD, BECAUSE I'M PRETTY BUSY TONIGHT. CG: WHAT IS THIS THING ANYWAY, WHY ALL THE SECRECY. TA: well the 2hort 2tory ii2 that iit2 an iimmer2iive 2iimulatiion that you play wiith a group. TA: the long 2tory ii2 that the fate of our ciiviiliizatiion depend2 on u2 playiing iit. TA: heh ii gue22 the long one wa2 2horter than the 2hort one FUCK. CG: THAT SOUNDS LIKE MELODRAMATIC BULLSHIT BUT COMING FROM YOU COLOR ME UNSURPRISED. TA: 2crew you vanta2 thii2 2hiit2 more real than kraft grub2auce. CG: RIGHT OK. CG: SO YOU MADE THIS GAME? TA: no no. TA: more liike ii adapted iit. CG: FROM WHAT. TA: 2ome crazy technology AA dug out of 2ome ruiin2. TA: havent you talked two her about iit? CG: MAN, NO. CG: I CAN'T TALK TO HER, SHE'S SO SPOOKY. CG: I DON'T KNOW WHY MOST OF OUR FRIENDS ARE SUCH PSYCHOS. TA: probably iit2 becau2e mo2t troll2 are. TA: iif you heard what ii heard every niight ii mean WOW FUCK. CG: NO LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR WEIRD MUTANT BRAIN. CG: AND DON'T SCAN MINE OR WHATEVER, IT'S OFF LIMITS YOU DOUCHE. TA: ii told you liike a biilliion tiime2 ii cant do that you nub2lurping fuckpod. CG: WHY ARE YOU TWO UP TO THIS SECRET STUFF. CG: WHY HAVEN'T YOU TOLD ME ANYTHING ABOUT THIS? TA: KK iim 2orry but really iit2 kiind of a priivate matter between me and her and iid appreciiate iit iif that wa2 re2pected. CG: OH GOD. CG: STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE. CG: IT'S A REPUGNANT QUALITY. TA: ok how about you take your own adviice you are 2uch a blubberiing hypocriite. TA: youre lucky iim 2o fuckiing magnaniimou2 and chariitable cau2e otherwii2e there2 no chance iid wa2te my tiime on you. CG: WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT, THIS ACT THAT YOU ACTUALLY THINK YOU'RE A HOTSHOT, YOU KNOW YOU HATE YOURSELF. TA: nobody hate2 hiim2elf more than you iidiiot. CG: YEAH WELL I HATE YOU WAY MORE THAN I HATE MYSELF, AND THAT'S FUCKING SAYING SOMETHING. CG: IN FACT I HATE YOU MORE THAN I HATE MYSELF AND YOU HATE YOURSELF AND YOU HATE ME COMBINED. TA: oh fuck that noii2e iin every leakiing oriifiice iit2 got you know ii hate the combiined product of you and my2elf more than you could ever begiin two hate me and my2elf and you and your2elf on your wor2t day 2o FUCKIING DEAL WIITH IIT. CG: OK, TIME OUT FOR THE IDIOT. CG: THE IDIOT GETS A TIME OUT AND SHUTS UP FOR A SECOND. CG: THAT'S YOU. CG: JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO ABOUT THIS GAME. TA: ok well iill 2end you a download 2oon. TA: iim 2ett1ng up two team2. TA: liike two 2eparate competiing team2 2o that there2 a better chance of at lea2t one group wiinniing. TA: and al2o ii gue22 two 2ee which one can wiin fa2ter. CG: OK LET ME GUESS. CG: THERE'S A RED TEAM AND BLUE TEAM, RIGHT? TA: yeah. TA: youre on the red team. TA: ii wiill be the leader of the blue. CG: OK, THEN I GUESS I CAN PICK MY TEAMMATES THEN? TA: uh... TA: bro youre not the red team leader. TA: ii piicked GC for that. CG: WHAT???????????????????? TA: dude ii diid NOT thiink youd be iintere2ted iin thii2 dont act all offended. CG: OH WOW NOW I SEE. CG: REALLY FUCKING CLEVER, PICKING THE BLIND GIRL TO LEAD THE TEAM YOUR COMPETING WITH. CG: I KNEW YOU WERE CHEATER LOWLIFE FUCKING SCUMBAG WITH NO SCRUPLES OR SELF ESTEEM AND WERE BASICALLY WORTHLESS ON EVERY LEVEL, BUT SOMEHOW I'M STILL DISAPPOINTED IN YOU. TA: yeah ii am 2uch an iidiiot for not rewardiing your bubbly per2onaliity and iimpeccable people 2kiill2 wiith a leader2hiip giig. TA: what an iincon2iiderate knuckle2ponged a22hole ii have been. CG: I AM A HATCHED LEADER AND YOU KNOW IT. TA: ii know your fiilthy 2eedflap ii2 flutteriing iin the profane breeze that2 2hootiing out your 2tiinkiing meal tunnel. TA: ii do know that much. CG: HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF YOUR COCOON IN THE MORNING KNOWING YOU'RE THE WORST THING A UNIVERSE WAS EVER RESPONSIBLE FOR? CG: ALSO IT MUST BE HARD WITH YOUR HANDS TO PERSISTENTLY BOTHERING EVERY MUTATED SET OF GENITALS PEPPERING THAT GHASTLY HUSK YOU PAWN OFF AS A BODY. CG: HAS A FEMALE EVER LOOKED AT YOU WITHOUT AT ONCE TURNING SKYWARD AND ERUPTING LIKE A VOMIT VOLCANO, ANSWER ME THAT. TA: thii2 ii2 2o iimmature, iim ba2iically ju2t laughiing here at how iimmature you are. TA: liike ii really giive a fuck who the red leader ii2. TA: you want two be the leader fiine talk two GC about iit. CG: I GUESS THESE CONVERSATIONS WE HAVE DO GET KIND OF EMBARRASSING IN RETROSPECT. CG: ARE WE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE BECAUSE OF STUFF I SAID. TA: eheheheh you LIITERALLY a2k me that every tiime are you jokiing. TA: ii cant even tell anymore. CG: IT'S A JOKE MORON. CG: HONESTLY I'M JUST GLAD NOBODY ELSE IS PRIVVY TO OUR CONVERSATIONS. CG: ACTUALLY WHY DON'T WE MAKE A PACT TO DELETE THIS ONE FROM OUR LOGS, I'M JUST SHUDDERING HERE SCROLLING UP AND READING THIS. TA: yeah ok.
Sounds like someone downstairs is getting pretty crabby. This is not an encounter you are looking forward to. You'll probably put it off as long as you can manage.
You are pretty enthusiastic about dragons. But you have a PARTICULAR AFFECTION for their COLORFUL SCALES, which you gather and use to decorate your hive. Though you live alone, deep in the woods, you surround yourself with a variety of plushie pals known as SCALEMATES. You often spend your days with them in rounds of LIVE ACTION ROLE PLAYING. You used to engage in various forms of MORE EXTREME ROLEPLAYING with some of your other friends before you had an accident.
You take an interest in justice, holding particular fascination for ORCHESTRATING THE DEMISE OF THE WICKED. You have taken up study of BRUTAL ALTERNIAN LAW, and surround yourself with legal books. You have no need for copies printed in TROLLBRAILLE, because you can SMELL AND TASTE THE WORDS. You hope one day to join the honorable ranks of the LEGISLACERATORS. Your trolltag is gallowsCalibrator and you SP34K W1TH TH3 NUM3R4LS TH3 BL1ND PROPH3TS ONC3 US3D.
You are presently the leader of the RED TEAM, poised to begin a mysterious game with 5 other friends, in direct competition with another 6 of your friends, comprising the BLUE TEAM.
It's pretty hard to live action role play when there is no one who is alive nearby. But all of your Scalemates are alive to you.
At least you pretend to believe that to annoy people.
You prepare a new campaign for one of your favorite scenarios, COURTBLOCK DRAMA. His HONORABLE TYRANNY presides. On trial is an especially detestable fellow, SENATOR LEMONSNOUT. You have sparred with this scumbag before. Tonight he faces justice.
You will play the role of the prosecuting attorney. On Alternia, there is no such thing as a defense attorney, or a defense. In a courtblock, the word defense itself is offensive.
You don't want to slap too hard. Enough to sting, but not to bruise. It must be methodical, business-like. And persistent. You only stop when you smell tears.
Mr. Senator, you smell very nice. Your luscious yellow scales are like the sweetest gumdrops to the prosecution's nose.
But your deceit STINKS.
Did you honestly think you could dip your corpulent snout into the imperial beetle coffers like that and get away with it?? Did you think your revolting abuse of the public trust would go unnoticed??? THINK AGAIN, GOOD SENATOR. WHILE THE PROSECUTION MAY BE BLIND, REST ASSURED THE LEAGUE OF LEGISLACERATORS SEES ALL.
Oh, well played, Lemonsnout. Well played. The prosecution's key witness, murdered. How convenient! The courtblock has little choice but to acknowledge your cunning. You have earned just a teensy sliver of your respect back. For now.
The prosecution begs your pardon, dear senator, but you appear to have dropped something. A personal satchel, perhaps? CHOCK FULL OF ILLICIT, EMBEZZLED BEETLES, WITH WHICH YOU HAVE THE UNMITIGATED CHEEK TO WALTZ BEFORE HIS TYRANNY, CONCEALED BENEATH YOUR ILL-GOTTEN FINERY??????
The prosecution requests a short recess from His Honorable Tyranny so that all law abiding and Mother Grub fearing citizens may go outside and puke.
As the prosecutor, it is your job to reach a final verdict and sentence the reprehensible felon, while His Tyranny watches in silence and submits grim approval.
But you take pity on this miserable bureaucrat. You are feeling merciful. You will give him a fighting chance.
You will flip a DOUBLE-HEADED TROLL CAEGAR to decide his fate. You do this quite often when making important decisions. Kind of like Batman's nemesis, Two-Face. Or that guy from No Country for Old Men. It turns out there are lots of badasses out there flipping coins. But those are Earth things and you've never heard of them. It's safe to say you borrowed this gimmick from one of the many, many troll things out there that's got hard boiled dudes flipping coins for major stakes. You base the habit on whichever one smells the most badass.
Another triumph for justice. The courtblock is adjourned. You offer final salutations to His Tyranny in the customary manner.
Ok, that's not customary at all. You're just kind of weird.
It's just that your red chalk is THE MOST DELICIOUS CHALK. You cannot get enough of it. Anyone who says there is a more delicious chalk out there simply reeks of deceit.
You take your WALKING CANE, which you use as a weapon kind of like Earth Daredevil who you've never heard of. You will use it to wallop enemies when you enter the Medium.
Your nose begins scouring your chumproll through the saliva smears on your monitor for potential teammates so you can start playing. Hmm, no not her. Nope, not her either. DEFINITELY not that guy.
Ok how about this girl. You like to roleplay with her sometimes via chat. You pretend you are a member of the mysterious and noble DRAGONYY'YD RACE, while she does her own goofy thing.
You don't have it in your heart to tell her that your chat RPing is meant f4c3t1ously I mean facetiously.
|PESTERLOG|
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]
GC: *GC L4NDS ON YOUR WH3LP1NG STOOP 4ND R4PS ON YOUR C4V3 W1TH H3R NOBL3 4ND 3L3G4NT T4LON* GC: *4ND ONC3 W1TH H3R M1GHTY SNOUT FOR GOOD M34SUR3* AC: :33 < *ac saunters from her dark cave a little bit sl33py from the recent kill* AC: :33 < *ac uses one of her mouths to lick the fresh blood off her paws* AC: :33 < *and the other one to blow you a kiss!* GC: >8O GC: *GC W1TH 4 M1GHTY WH1SK OF H3R M1GHTY T41L PLUCKS TH3 K1SS OUT OF TH3 41R M1GHT1LY* GC: *GC POCK3TS TH3 K1SS 1N H3R 3NCH4NT3D RUCKS4CK FOR L4T3R, TO DO SOM3TH1NG M4G1C4L, L1K3 M4K3 GOBL1N W1SH3S COM3 TRU3* AC: :33 < *yes! ac finds that to be a most admirable use of a kiss!* AC: :33 < *she thinks that goblin wishes n33d to come true too just like any other kind of purrsons wishes* AC: :33 < *ac begs your pardon while she rips apart this tasty beast to prepare a meal for her cubs* GC: *GC 3Y3S THE B34ST HUNGR1LY 4ND M1GHT1LY* AC: :33 < uh oh! GC: *GC 3Y3S THE CUBS HUNGR1LY!* GC: *4ND M1GHT1LY* GC: *3SP3C14LLY M1GHT1LY* AC: :33 < dont you dare! AC: :33 < i mean AC: :33 < *ac shouts dont you dare!* AC: :33 < *indignantly* GC: *BUT 1T 1S TOO L4T3! GC SCOOPS UP 4 PLUMP CUB W1TH H3R GL1ST3N1NG M4J3ST1C T41L 4ND FL13S OFF M4G1C4LLY* GC: *TH3 1NNOC3NT CUB 1S CRY1NG 4ND CRY1NG 4ND CRY1NG* AC: :33 < *ac says noooooooo and looks a bit crestfallen* AC: :33 < *ac gets a clever idea to slake the majestic dragons mighty hunger* AC: :33 < *she prepares the lions share of the slain armored cholerbear for gc* GC: >:? *GCS M4GN1F1C3NT CUR1OS1TY H4S B33N P3RK3D* GC: 1S 1T 4 BULL CHOL3RB34R?? GC: OOPS *SH3 4SK3D TH4T* AC: :33 < *ac pawses a moment and nods knowingly with a couple of smug grins on her face* AC: :33 < *she confirms it is ind33d the bulliest of bears!* GC: *GC 1NST4NTLY LOS3S 1NT3R3ST 1N TH3 PUNY CUB 4ND DROPS 1T TO TH3 GROUND F4R B3LOW!* AC: :33 < *but as it happens the really cute cub lands in a bush safe and sound, whew!* GC: *GC'S 4L4RM1NG 4ND SPL3ND1F3ROUS G1RTH S3TTL3S OV3R THE SUCCUL3NT CHOL3RB34R ST34K* GC: *WH3N SH3 F1N1SH3S TH3 S4VORY R3D M34T SH3 L1FTS H3R PROUD W1S3 H34D 4ND OP3NS H3R GR34T B1G MOUTH 4ND SP34KS TH3 4NC13NT TONGU3 OF 4 THOUS4ND W1SDOMS* GC: *SH3 S4YS:* GC: H3Y DO YOU W4NT TO PL4Y 4 G4M3 W1TH M3? AC: :33 < *ac crinkles up her nose and prepares for a really unprecedented marathon of baffling feline obstinacy* AC: :33 < *her dragonyyydy suitor will make neither rhyme nor reason of her purrplexing behavior for even an instant!* GC: NO NO TH4T W4S 4 R34L QU3ST1ON GC: W4NT TO PL4Y 4 G4M3?? AC: :33 < oh! h33h33 AC: :33 < ok if you mean a computer game then yes that sounds like fun GC: OK YOU C4N B3 ON MY T34M AC: :33 < team? AC: :33 < who else is playing? GC: 1 H4V3NT D3C1D3D Y3T GC: 4 WHOL3 BUNCH OF US 1N TWO T34MS AC: :33 < oh AC: :33 < well it does sound like it will be a lot of fun but i think i should get purrmission first GC: BL4R!!!!! GC: TH4TS SO STUP1D GC: H3S NOT TH3 BOSS OF YOU AC: :33 < i know! AC: :33 < but still im kind of scared of him and i think purrhaps its best to just run it by him first so there isnt a kerfuffle about it or anything GC: TH1S 1S STUP1D 1N SUCH 4 T3RR1BL3 MYR14D OF DUMB W4YS GC: YOU SHOULDNT B3 4FR41D OF 4NYON3 GC: YOU K1LL B1G 4NIM4LS W1TH YOUR B4R3 H4NDS! GC: 4ND 1N 4NY C4S3 H3 L1V3S NOWH3R3 N34R YOU SO TH3 WHOL3 TH1NG 1S 3XTR4 STUP1D AC: :33 < i knooow AC: :33 < but i dont think itll be a big deal AC: :33 < ill just mention it casually and itll be fine im sure and then we can play in just a little bit! GC: >XO GC: F11111N3 GC: 1N TH3 M34NT1M3 1 W1LL GO ROUND UP SOME MOR3 P3OPL3 TO PL4Y AC: :33 < k!
|PESTERLOG|
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]
GC: H3Y G4MZ33Z YOU W4NT TO PL4Y G4M3Z3Z W1TH M3?? TC: hEy YeAh ThAt SoUnDs LiKe ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN sHiT's BiTcHtItS! GC: >8\ GC: 1T SUR3 1S H4RD TO 1GNOR3 TH3 W31RD TH1NGS YOU S4Y SOM3T1M3S!
You then proceed to have the rest of this conversation we already read. No luck in getting this guy to play with you right now either.
Oh no. Not Karkat. You were only going to ask him as a last resort. You wonder what he wants? You will try to avoid mentioning the game. Hopefully he hasn't caught wind of it yet.
|PESTERLOG|
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]
CG: HEY GUESS WHAT, BIG NEWS. CG: LIKE HOLY SHIT STOP THE PRESSES THIS IS A HUMONGOUS DEAL SORT OF NEWS. GC: BL44444RRRRR WH4T 1S 1T CG: YOU'RE NOT THE RED TEAM LEADER. CG: THAT'S ME. CG: I'M THE LEADER. CG: IT'S BEEN DECIDED. CG: ON AN OFFICIAL BASIS. GC: OK SO 1 GU3SS 1M SUPPOS3D TO M4K3 4 B1G ST1NK 4BOUT TH1S 4ND S4Y W4H W4H 1 W4NT TO B3 TH3 L34D3R >:[ >:[ >:[ CG: WHAT, NO. CG: I MEAN YOU CAN BUT IT WON'T DO ANY GOOD BECAUSE I'M THE LEADER AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO EVACUATE THROUGH YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE ON THE MATTER. GC: W3LL 1T M4Y SURPR1S3 YOU TO KNOW TH4T 1 DONT G1V3 4 CR4P WHO G3TS TO B3 L34D3R B3C4US3 UNL1K3 YOU 1 4CTU4LLY H4V3 4 FUCK1NG SM1DG3N OF M4TUR1TY 4ND S3LF R3SP3CT CG: THAT'S A LIE, YOU'RE MORE OF A MELODRAMA SPAZ QUEEN THAN ME AND YOU KNOW IT AND THIS STUFF YOUR SAYING IS A PRETEND STUNT. CG: YOU'RE LIKE A ROCKET PROPELLED SPAZ MAGGOT SPRINGLOADED UP THE ASS OF A PSYCHEDELIC FUCKING FREAKOUT WEASEL ON IDIOT DRUGS SO LETS NOT PLAY MAKEBELIEVE GAMES HERE. CG: LEADER. CG: ME. GC: UUUUUUUUHNG GC: K4RK4T 1 DONT C444R3 GC: YOU C4N B3 TH3 STUP1D L34D3R 1 JUST W4NT TO PL4Y TH1S G4M3 CG: OK, GREAT. CG: IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION I HAVE SELECTED YOU TO BE MY SECOND IN COMMAND. GC: R333334444LLY???? GC: SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON >;] <3 <3 <3 CG: FUCK YOU OFFER RESCINDED. GC: OK BUT S3R1OUSLY GC: 1 WOULD H4V3 SUGG3ST3D YOU B3 TH3 L34D3R BUT HON3STLY 1T COM3S W1TH S3R1OUS R3SPONS1B1L1T13S 4ND 1 W4SNT SUR3 1F YOU W3R3 UP TO 1T CG: HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT. CG: I'M AN INCREDIBLE LEADER WITH ALL KINDS OF PRIORITIZATION AND COMMAND SKILLS. CG: I'M GOING TO ROCK THE COCK OFF THIS WEATHERVANE AND THE BLUE TEAM WILL WISH THEY NEVER SLITHERED OUT OF THE MOTHER GRUB'S HEINOUS UNDULATING ASSHOLE. CG: SO JUST GIVE ME THE FULL BRIEFING, WHAT DO YOU KNOW. GC: OK TH3 TH1NG YOU N33D TO KNOW 1S TH3 L34D3R ST4RTS OUT BY RUNN1NG THE CL13NT 4PPL1C4T1ON GC: WH1L3 1 TH3 LOWLY S3COND OFF1C3R CONN3CTS TO YOU W1TH TH3 S3RV3R WH1L3 1 R3M41N G3N3R4LLY 1N 4W3 OF YOUR M4NLY GR4ND3UR GC: 4ND 1 S1T 4T MY COMPUT3R DO1NG M3N14L CHOR3S 1N SUPPORT OF YOUR H3RO1C 3SC4P4D3S WH1CH HON3STLY 1 DONT TH1NK YOUR3 R34DY FOR BUT WH4T3V3R CG: SEE THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. CG: THIS IS WHAT I WAS MADE FOR. CG: BEING IN CHARGE OF ADVENTURE, RUNNING AROUND AND STUFF, AND FUCKING SHIT UP LIKE A GODDAMN HERO WITH A RIPPERWASP IN HIS JOCK. CG: LET'S GET CRACKING HERE. CG: LAUNCH YOUR SERVER OR WHATEVER, I'LL INSTALL THE HERO PROGRAM. GC: TH3 CL13NT CG: YEAH. GC: OK 1F YOU 1NS1ST GC: F4R B3 1T FROM M3 TO STOP YOU FROM B31NG SO D4SH1NG 4ND COUR4G3OUS GC: 4ND TO B3 P3RF3CTLY HON3ST 4 L1TTL3 B1T H4NDSOM3 >:] CG: YES, EXACTLY. CG: NOW YOU ARE MAKING SENSE. CG: THIS IS THE KIND OF THING THAT SANE PEOPLE SAY. CG: KEEP AT IT, THERE'S HOPE FOR YOU YET. GC: OK 1LL TRY GC: 4NYTH1NG TO G3T YOU TO STOP B31NG SUCH 4 B4BY CG: WHAT'S A BABY. GC: OH GC: 1TS L1K3 4 MYTH1C4L L1TTL3 P1NK MONK3Y GC: SOM3TH1NG MY LUSUS DR34MS 4BOUT CG: I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T HAVE ONE. GC: 1 DONT GC: Y3T GC: 1M NOT 4LLOW3D TO CG: WHY NOT? CG: WHY HAVE YOU NEVER MENTIONED THIS ANYWAY? CG: HONESTLY TEREZI IT SOUNDS LIKE MORE FROTHING LOONEYBLOCK NONSENSE. GC: 1F 1 3V3R D1D H4V3 ON3 1T WOULD M34N TH3 WORLD W4S COM1NG TO 4N 3ND CG: OH THANK GOD YOU JUST SAID SOMETHING NORMAL, I WAS STARTING TO WORRY THERE. CG: WHEW BACK IN SANE LAND. GC: 1TS TRU3! >:P GC: 1 DONT COMPL3T3LY UND3RST4ND 1T BUT TH4TS WH4T 1T TOLD M3 CG: WE NEED TO GET YOU OUT OF THAT FUCKING TREE AND INTO A PROPER GODDAMN LAWNRING. CG: YOU'VE BEEN STUNTED LIVING UP THERE, BY THE WHISPERS OF FUCKING BARK GNOMES OR SOMETHING. CG: I THINK ONE OF MY NEIGHBORS WAS JUST CULLED RECENTLY, MAYBE YOU COULD LIVE THERE. GC: NO W4Y SCR3W L4WNR1NGS!!! GC: MOR3 L1K3 Y4WNR1NGS GC: 1 LOV3 MY TR33! GC: BUT YOUR3 W3LCOM3 TO V1S1T SOM3 T1M3 GC: 1TS 3SP3C14LLY N1C3 1N TH3 TH1RD 4UTUMN CG: OK WELL CG: SPEAKING OF THAT CG: I SHOULD GO DOWNSTAIRS AND DEAL WITH THIS GRUMPY CUSTOMER. CG: IT'S GOING TO FONDLE MAJOR SEEDFLAP, BUT HOPEFULLY IT'LL BE QUICK. CG: YOU CAN ESTABLISH YOUR CONNECTION AND DO YOUR TRIVIAL SIDEKICK STUFF I GUESS IN THE MEANTIME. GC: OK! >:D
|PESTERLOG|
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]
CG: YOU CAN SEE ME RIGHT. CG: TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE. GC: NO 1 C4NT S33 YOU DUMB4SS CG: OH YEAH. CG: ANYWAY, PRESS YOUR NOSE AGAINST YOUR SLOBBERY SCREEN AND TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE. GC: SM3LLS PR3TTY T3RR1BL3! CG: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU JUST TOOK A HARD DRAG OF MY LOAD GAPER WHICH FOR SOME REASON I HAVE DISCOVERED OUTSIDE ON THIS LITTLE ISLAND. GC: YOU M34N YOUR TO1L3T? CG: WELL OOH LA LA. CG: EXCUSE MY DISDAIN FOR YOUR BLUE BLOODED VERNACULAR. GC: WH4T COLORS YOUR BLOOD? CG: WHOA NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! CG: SERIOUSLY WAS THAT A SERIOUS QUESTION? CG: UNBELIEVABLE. GC: 1 W1LL F1ND OUT SOM3 D4Y CG: WHAT IS WITH YOUR OBSESSION WITH COLORS. CG: IT'S BAD ENOUGH YOU WASTE ALL MY HARD EARNED GRIST RAMBLING MY HIVE AROUND LIKE THAT NOT EVEN IN THE DIRECTION OF THE FUCKING GATE. CG: BUT THEN YOU GO AND SPEND IT ON AN UGLY PAINT JOB. CG: I KILLED A LOT OF IMPS FOR THAT GRIST. GC: K4RK4T, PL34S3 GC: DONT PR3T3ND YOU D1DNT 3NJOY GO1NG 4ROUND K1LL1NG TH1NGS GC: 4ND TH4T YOU WOULDNT 3NJOY K1LL1NG 4 WHOL3 LOT MOR3 GC: PR4NC1NG 4ROUND W1TH YOUR L1TTL3 S1CKL3 B31NG 4LL 4DOR4BL3 CG: YEAH RIGHT. CG: MORE LIKE... CG: ADORABLOODTHIRSTY. CG: I'M PRANCING AROUND BEING THAT, OK? GC: >:] CG: ANYWAY THIS IS AWFUL, THIS IS NO WAY FOR A LEADER TO BE TREATED. GC: SORRY TH1S 1S WH4T YOU W4NT3D GC: TH3 L34D3R 1S TH3 F1RST ON3 1N GC: TH1S 1S WH4T TH3 L34D3R 1S SUPPOS3D TO DO CG: NO, THIS IS NOT ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR WHAT BULLSHIT IS. CG: A LEADER SHOULDN'T BE AT THE MERCY OF THE HIVE RENOVATION WHIMSY OF A PSYCHOTIC BLIND GIRL. CG: WHEN DO I GET THE CHANCE TO FUCK UP SOMEONE'S HIVE. CG: I SHOULD BE THE NEXT ONE TO CONNECT TO A CLIENT. GC: NO YOU C4NT! GC: YOU H4V3 TO B3 TH3 L4ST ON3 TO CONNECT TO COMPL3T3 TH3 CH41N CG: MORE LIES. GC: TH1NK OF 1T TH1S W4Y GC: 1M YOUR S3RV3R PL4Y3R SO PR1OR1TY H4S TO B3 ON M3 G3TT1NG 1N TH3 G4M3 GC: B3FOR3 1 G3T K1LL3D BY M3T3ORS GC: 1N WH1CH C4S3 YOUD B3 SCR3W3D 1N TH3R3 GC: TH3N TH3 N3XT GUY COM3S 1N, TH3N TH3 N3XT GC: 4ND YOU BR1NG TH3 L4ST ON3 1N CG: WHOA WAIT, WHAT? CG: METEORS? CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. CG: WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH METEORS. GC: OH BOY YOU N33D TO G3T W1TH TH3 PROGR4M K4RK4T GC: H4V3 YOU T4LK3D TO 44 CG: 44 WHAT? GC: 4POC4LYPS34R1S3N SORRY CG: NO, OF COURSE NOT. GC: OR T4 GC: OR 4G 1 GU3SS GC: OR C4 GC: R34LLY TH3R3S L1K3 TH1S WHOL3 CONSP1R4CY 4BOUT TH1S GC: 4S 1M F1ND1NG OUT CG: WELL WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME SO I DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO ANY OF THOSE DOUBLETALKING ASSHOLES. GC: 1 C4NT! GC: 1 GOTT4 ST3P OUT OF TH3 TR33 FOR 4 MOM3NT GC: WH3N 1 COM3 B4CK 1 W1LL 3NT3R TH3 G4M3 GC: CY4!
We return to the Land of Pulse and Haze, so that we can rewind a bit. Before all that paint got slopped on your hive and before that mysterious hole was made.
Man how'd that hole get made??
(It was when Karkat ran TA's cursed ~ATH program and his computer blew up. That's what happened. We'll see this happen later. It will be startling and unexpected.)
You go downstairs and confront your custodian, which is another term for a frightening beast known as a LUSUS NATURAE.
Your lusus has looked after you since you were very young in lieu of any biological parents, whom you have never known. No young troll ever knows his or her blood parents, nor could such lineage ever be accurately traced. Adult trolls supply their genetic material to the FILIAL PAILS carried by imperial drones and offered to the monstrous MOTHER GRUB deep underground in the brooding caverns. She then combines all the genetic material into one diabolical incestuous slurry, and lays hundreds of thousands of eggs at once.
The eggs hatch into young larval trolls which wriggle about to locate a cozy stalactite from which to spin their cocoons. After they pupate, the young troll with his or her newfound limbs undergoes a series of dangerous trials. If they survive, they are chosen by a member of the diverse and terrifying subterranean monster population native to Alternia. This creature becomes the troll's lusus, and together they surface and choose a location to build a hive. The building process is facilitated by CARPENTER DROIDS left on the planet to cater to the young. But only for building. They're on their own otherwise.
The vast majority of adult trolls are off-planet, serving some role in the forces of ongoing imperial conquest, besieging other star systems in the name of Alternian glory. The culture and civilization on the homeworld is maintained almost entirely by the young.
You leap into the domestic fray in an attempt to mollify your nannying aggressor. After a lot of kicking and fussing and gnashing of teeth and carapace, you just pull out a few CHILLED ROE CUBES from the fridge to settle the beast down.
Trolls and their custodians have a peculiar arrangement of codependence. The lusus behaves as a lifelong bodyguard, caretaker, and visceral sort of mentor, while the young troll must learn to function as a sort of zookeeper.
We decide to agree this conflict is not a big enough deal to warrant a detailed examination of the action, or an embedded musical accompaniment. We also agree that while that would have been pretty sweet, we are also in kind of a hurry here. But if it were to be accompanied by something audible, it would probably sound something like this. We decide to listen to that track, close our eyes, and imagine what might have been.
There's this pretty cool dude, ok? Some people seem to think he's cool. Sometimes. He guesses they're right. I mean, maybe. If they say so. Actually, you know what? They're right. This guy's dynamite lit in a box of hot shit. Screw the haters. Anyway, he's standing around being all chill, like cool dudes are known to do sometimes, when they're not moping around or nursing migraines or whatever. A cool dude like this probably has a real cool name. Or at least a name that doesn't completely fucking suck. Like at least not the kind of name that belongs to someone you'd want to just perpetually wail on. Maybe just a name that makes you cringe a little, but you guess you can deal with it if you've got to. It's just a guy's name, it's not like it really matters. Who cares? But he probably wouldn't just tell you what it was if you asked. He'd be way too moody for that. In fact, this guy probably thinks you've got some attitude and probably doesn't want a damn thing to do with you.
You could always try to guess his name. But instead of that, here's a better idea. Why don't you just fuck off and go to hell?
It appears this cool and moody dude had a change of heart. He feels pretty bad about flying off the handle like that, as if shit wanted nothing to do with the handle. Shit would like to reconcile with the handle, and perhaps seek marital counseling.
You are apeshit bananas at computers, and you know ALL THE CODES. All of them. You are the unchallenged authority on APICULTURE NETWORKING. And though all your friends recognize your unparalleled achievements as a TOTALLY SICK HACKER, you feel like you could be better. It's one of a number of things you SORT OF BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT for NO VERY GOOD REASON during sporadic and debilitating BIPOLAR MOOD SWINGS. You have a penchant for BIFURCATION, in logic and in life. Your mutant mind is hounded by the psychic screams of the IMMINENTLY DECEASED. Your visions foretell of the planet's looming annihilation, and yet unlike the typical sightless prophet of doom, you are gifted with VISION TWOFOLD.
For now.
You have developed a new game, adapted via CODE PARSED FROM THE RUNES AND GLYPHS IN AN ANCIENT UNDERGROUND TEMPLE. You believe this game to be THE SALVATION OF YOUR RACE, though you are not sure how yet. To ensure success, you will distribute the game to two teams of friends, a RED TEAM and a BLUE TEAM. You will lead the latter group. Your trolltag is twinArmageddons and you tend two 2peak wiith a biit of a lii2p.
You are always up to your nook in the newest and hottest games. It is hard to walk around the place without squishing them. Whenever that happens you are screwed, and you have to grow a new one from scratch. Or just pirate it you guess.
But tonight is no night for games.
Well, ok, it is.
But just one game in particular, and this game is no joking matter. It is delirious bugnasty.
|PESTERLOG|
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]
TA: TZ you want two be the leader of one of the team2? GC: YOU M34N FOR YOUR G4M3 TO S4V3 TH3 WORLD? TA: yeah. GC: OK 1 P1CK TH3 R3D T34M!!! >8D TA: ok ii diidnt 2ay anythiing about a red team, or even that there were two team2, but fiine. GC: OBV1OUSLY YOU W3R3 GO1NG TO S3T UP R3D 4ND BLU3 T34MS COM3 ON TA: you dont know what iim goiing two do, 2top beiing a2 though you can read my miind. TA: iit2 not a power you have, your 2trength2 are beiing bliind and triickiing people about 2tuff. TA: and ii gue22 beiing generally 2avvy and pretty decent at other 2tuff, but that2 why iim piickiing you and not 2ome other fuckiing 2chlub from retardatiion row. GC: SOLLUX, PL34S3 GC: YOU 4R3 MR 4PPL3B3RRY BL4ST 4ND 3V3RYON3 KNOWS THOS3 4R3 YOUR F4VOR1T3 FL4VORS GC: 3V3N THOUGH YOU TYP3 1N YUCKY MUST4RD GC: WH1CH 1S W31RD >:\ TA: maybe there ii2 more two me than you thiink. TA: maybe ii am not the two triick hoofbea2t you want two make me out a2. TA: maybe ii ju2t want two giive the red and blue thiing a re2t for a change and not make iit 2o iit2 liike, oh look iit2 that prediictable fuck wiith tho2e two 2tupiid color2, iit2 amaziing how much everyone fuckiing hate2 hiim. TA: maybe red and blue arent that great and ii hate them 2uddenly, have you thought of that. TA: maybe iim more of an aubergiine guy plu2 whatever that putriid color is you type wiith, what ii2 that, turqoii2e? TA: maybe iit2 makiing me turquea2y. TA: maybe the new name for that color ii2 2ummer 2hiithead mii2t, have you con2iidered that? TA: but iim 2tiickiing wiith red and blue 2o maybe you 2hould 2uck on iit. GC: M4YB3 M4YB3 M4YB3 GC: M4YB3 M4YB3 1S 4 STUP1D WORD GC: M4YB3 TH4TS TH3 B1G M4YB3 W3 SHOULD 4LL POND3R TON1GHT GC: OV3R SOM3 HOT SHUT TH3 H3LL UP T34 GC: SO YOU TH1NK 1M S4VVY?? >:] TA: yeah ii thiink 2o. TA: piick out whoever you want for the red team and iill lead the blue team. TA: iill 2end you the download 2oon, talk two you later. GC: W41T! GC: M4YB3 YOU SHOULD T3LL M3 MOR3 4BOUT TH3 G4M3 F1RST? GC: HOW 3X4CTLY 4R3 W3 S4V1NG TH3 WORLD? TA: ii dont know yet. TA: ii ju2t know what iive 2een iin my vii2iion2. TA: that the world wiill end and our whole race diie2 and thii2 ii2 how we 2ave iit. TA: and aa can back me up on thii2 2o dont be all doubtiing me about iit. GC: 1 4M NOT DOUBT1NG YOU GC: 1 TH1NK YOU 4R3 R1GHT! GC: MOSTLY TA: mo2tly, what doe2 that mean? GC: W3LL WH3N YOU T4LK 4BOUT HOW YOUR3 GO1NG TO D13 TOO TA: ii am goiing two diie. TA: ii mean we all are. TA: but e2peciially me. TA: ii am goiing two get my a22 2erved two me twofold. TA: double the 2erviice. TA: liike two dude2 on doublebutler ii2land. TA: gettiing worked over by a 2iiame2e twiin ma22eu2e. TA: but before ii diie, iim goiing two go bliind liike you. TA: iit ha2 two happen liike that. TA: iim not 2ure why, but ii thiink iit2 liike... TA: fulfiilliing 2ome requiirement for a true prophet of doom. TA: iin order for the vii2iion2 two be riight, that ha2 two happen, and the uniiver2e wiill make 2ure iit wiill. TA: iit2 kiind of liike how a prophet earn2 hii2 2triipe2, by beiing bliind, liike how an angel earn2 iit2 wiing2. GC: WH4TS 4N 4NG3L TA: 2ome terriible mythiical demon. TA: wiith the2e awful feathery wiing2. GC: Y1K3S TA: paradox 2pace u2e2 them two u2her iin the end. GC: HOW DO3S 1T KNOW WH4T 4NG3L TO US3... ........ TA: huh?? GC: >:? TA: 2o yeah. TA: we wiill all diie but mo2t e2peciially me, end of 2tory. GC: BUT GC: DONT T4K3 TH1S TH3 WRONG W4Y BUT HOW C4N YOU B3 TOT4LLY SUR3 4BOUT 4LL TH4T? GC: HOW DO YOU KNOW SOM3 OF TH3 R34L V1S1ONS YOUR3 H4V1NG 4R3NT G3TT1NG K1ND OF T4NGL3D UP W1TH UHHH GC: SORT OF TH3 W4Y YOU 4R3 4BOUT YOURS3LF TA: what do you mean. GC: HOW YOU G3T MOP3Y 4ND YOUR3 4LW4YS TH3 V1CT1M OF SOM3TH1NG 4ND HOW SOM3T1M3S YOU TH1NK YOU SUCK WH3N YOU R34LLY DONT GC: M4YB3 TH4T 1S CLOUD1NG YOUR V1S1ON? TA: ok that2 ju2t 2ome per2onal priivate emotiional ii22ue2 and iim dealiing wiith that, and hone2tly iid appreciiate you not alway2 throwiing that iin my face every goddamn opportuniity you get. TA: liike thii2 ii2 a biig ciircu2 act two you, and that ii2 your 2peciial clown piie. GC: S33, GOD GC: SO S3NS1T1V3 TA: 2eriiou2ly talk two aa 2he wiill corroborate everythiing. TA: you and 2he are pretty tiight arent you? GC: NOT R34LLY 4NYMOR3 GC: SH3 US3D TO B3 4 LOT OF FUN GC: BUT NOW T4LK1NG TO H3R, 1 DONT KNOW GC: 1T JUST SOM3HOW 4LW4YS M4K3S M3 S4D >:[ TA: ok well toniight2 not about fun, thii2 ii2 2eriiou2. TA: deliiriiou2ly 2o. TA: we are iin 2meariiou2 2hiit2taiin ciity. GC: SCR3W YOU 4ND YOUR SH1TST41NS GC: 1 W1LL H4V3 4 FUCK1NG BL4ST 4ND YOU C4NT STOP M3 GC: BLU3 T34M 2222222CUM >:] TA: oh 2h11t 11t2 onnnnnn 2uck4.
|PESTERLOG|
apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]
AA: did y0u set up the teams TA: 2tiill workiing on iit but yeah more or le22. TA: we 2hould all be playiing 2oon. TA: and ii gue22 leaviing thii2 diimen2iion. TA: that ii2 what happen2, riight?? AA: yes TA: 2o ii gue22 you 2hould be pretty happy when we fiinally get out of here? AA: i d0nt kn0w ab0ut that TA: oh. TA: wiill you at lea2t be able two leave the voiice2 behiind? AA: i d0nt kn0w ab0ut that either TA: ii2nt that kiind of depre22iing? TA: the thought that they miight 2tay wiith you tiil you diie? AA: n0t really AA: im 0k with it AA: im 0k with a l0t 0f things AA: even 0ur inevitable failure AA: th0ugh it will briefly masquerade as vict0ry TA: wow FUCK. TA: that wa2 2o much more depre22iing than the thiing ii ju2t 2aiid. TA: terezii wa2 riight, you are 2uch a drag two talk two the2e day2. AA: she was right ab0ut a l0t 0f things TA: wow what a my2teriiou2 thiing two 2ay, ii am 2o iintriigued. TA: do me a favor and 2pare me your 2pooky conundrum2 twoniight, youre kiind of pii22iing me off. AA: but y0u like t0 talk t0 me AA: this a fact n0t a questi0n AA: they t0ld me TA: oh your 2ource2 have 2poken! TA: relay a me22age for me, tell them two go haunt my huge creakiing bone bulge. AA: why d0 y0u like t0 talk t0 me TA: oh ii dont know, maybe becau2e we are 2uppo2ed two 2ave the world twogether??? TA: ii al2o talk two you becau2e iin ca2e you havent notiiced ii de2pii2e my2elf and perpetually 2eek two dupliicate through emotiional paiin the cacophony of phy2iical paiin my hiideou2 mutant braiin cau2e2 me every day. TA: oh my god ii ju2t had a breakthrough!!! TA: thank you 2o much for thii2, iit wa2 great. TA: that wa2 a joke, here type "ha". AA: ha TA: now type iit agaiin. AA: ha TA: there you go, you are now offiiciially the liife of the party. TA: eheheh ii ju2t took an embarra22iing viideo of you cuttiing loo2e there, boy ii 2ure hope thii2 juiicy nugget doe2nt wiind up on the iinternet! AA: 0_0 AA: s0llux i actually w0uld like it if you were happy TA: ok. thank you for 2ayiing 2o. AA: y0u seem sad and angry all the time AA: what d0es anger feel like AA: i f0rg0t TA: have you ever been angry? TA: ii dont remember you gettiing angry about anythiing. AA: maybe i never was AA: i feel like i was th0ugh AA: 0nce TA: why dont you a2k karkat, he2 way angriier than me. TA: for that matter why dont you get on HII2 ca2e about iit iin2tead of MIINE. AA: i think his anger serves a greater purp0se AA: its part 0f his destiny and thus 0urs AA: it will help him t0 sab0tage his 0wn designs AA: which are very much in 0pp0siti0n t0 the br0ader purp0se AA: and will s0w the seeds 0f 0ur failure AA: a failure which will ir0nically pr0ve t0 be missi0n critical TA: iif you thiink we are goiing two faiil why wouldnt you get mad about that? TA: at the voiice2 2endiing you down thii2 bliind alley the whole tiime? AA: they never lied th0ugh AA: this is h0w it had t0 be AA: i have t0 be t0tally h0nest AA: th0ugh at n0 p0int did i ever lie AA: but thr0ugh 0missi0n AA: this game will n0t save the w0rld TA: the fuck?? AA: and th0ugh it is still very imp0rtant even in 0ur defeat AA: unf0rtantely it is much cl0ser t0 serving as the instrument 0f 0ur pe0ples demise than that 0f their salvati0n AA: and we twelve will behave simultane0usly as the pawns and the 0rchestrat0rs of the great und0ing TA: ii dont want two play anymore then. AA: y0u will th0ugh TA: fuck that ju2t watch, thii2 2hiit ii2 du2ted. TA: check me out, all du2tiing iit liike a 2aucy fuckiin maiid. AA: it cann0t be st0pped AA: mete0rs are en r0ute AA: y0u kn0w this s0llux TA: who care2, iim yankiing the grubtube on thii2 overpunctured biitch. TA: iim telliing red team leader two forget the whole thiing. TA: iim quiittiing a2 blue team leader. TA: iif you want two 2hamble through thii2 macabre fanta2y of your2 2olo be my gue2t. AA: y0u were never g0ing t0 be the team leader th0ugh AA: which is t0 say AA: the first t0 enter TA: are you me22iing wiith me?? TA: you do realiize iim p2ychiic two. TA: ii could pull 2o much triippy 2hiit out of my 2piinal creviice, iit would make your head 2piin liike dervii2h iin a fuckiing blender. TA: 2o GET OFF YOUR HIIGH HOOFBEA2T. AA: im c0ming up TA: huh??? TA: up where. TA: hello??????????????
|PESTERLOG|
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]
TA: hey change of plan, we arent playiing thii2 game anymore. TA: you dont have two bother recruiitiing, 2orry two wa2te your tiime. GC: 1M NOT TH3 L34D3R 4NYMOR3 GC: K4RK4T 1S TA: he ii2? GC: H3 THR3W 4 T4NTRUM 4BOUT 1T SO 1 L3T H1M B3 TH3 R3D L34D3R TA: ok that wa2 faiirly prediictable but that2 fiine. TA: iill talk two hiim about iit. GC: WH4TS GO1NG ON? TA: nothiing, thii2 game 2uck2 and aa ii2 full of crap. TA: 2orry about all thii2. GC: >:?
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
TA: hey change of plan, we arent playiing thii2 game anymore. CG: HEY. CG: GUESS WHO THE RED LEADER IS? CG: I'M THE LEADER. IT'S ME. CG: YOUR PLAN TO CRIPPLE YOUR RIVAL TEAM HAS FAILED. TA: ii know, 2he told me, ii dont care. TA: the game ii2 bad new2, iit wiill cau2e the end of the world, not 2top iit. TA: 2o forget iit, ju2t go back two whatever you were doiing. TA: wriitiing your 2hiitty code or whatever. CG: HAHAHA! SO PATHETIC. CG: THIS IS YET ANOTHER FEEBLE ATTEMPT TO WEAKEN YOUR OPPOSITION. CG: TEREZI AND I HAVE ALREADY ESTABLISHED A CONNECTION AND WE ARE MAKING GREAT PROGRESS HERE. CG: WE ARE A GREAT TEAM, AND I AM A FANTASTIC LEADER. CG: WE WILL BEAT THIS GAME IN NO TIME, WHILE YOUR TEAM IS CLEARLY STILL ASLEEP AT THE THORAX. TA: oh god. TA: no you iidiiot, ii dont care about the game anymore. TA: ii ju2t quiit, iim not playiing, you 2hould two. CG: AMAZING. CG: YOU'RE EITHER BEING REALLY PERSISTENT WITH THIS TRANSPARENT RUSE, OR YOU REALLY ARE JUST THAT SAD AND INCOMPETENT. CG: NEITHER CASE DESERVES MY RESPECT OR MY FRIENDSHIP. CG: IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT, FRIENDSHIP CANCELED. CG: THERE IT'S OFFICIAL, BYE BYE FRIENDSHIP! TA: oh liike you havent 2aiid that liike a biilliion tiime2. TA: you arent iin any po2iitiion two que2tiion my competence. TA: youre the wor2t programmer iive ever 2een, you dont know anythiing about computer2, why do you bother. TA: the only thiing youre good at ii2 yelliing and makiing huge mii2take2. TA: and beiing UGLY AND HORRIIBLE IN EVERY WAY, AND HAVIING 2TUPIID LIITTLE NUBBY HORN2. CG: TO BE HONEST I DON'T SEE WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT YOUR PROGRAMMING OR HACKING. CG: WHAT IS A HACKER EVEN? JUST SOME SMUG ASSHOLE IN MOVIES DOING FAKE THINGS AND MAKING UP WORDS. CG: IT'S NOT EVEN A REAL THING TO BE, IT'S JUST SOME BULLSHIT TITLE YOU GAVE YOURSELF SO YOU CAN FEEL JUST A TINY BIT LESS LOATHESOME. TA: oh no, more chiildii2h burn2, ii dont have two prove anythiing two you, iim a great hacker, periiod. CG: NO IT'S ALL SO CLEAR NOW, YOU WERE A FRAUD ALL ALONG. CG: WHAT DOES ALL THIS NONSENSICAL CODE YOU WROTE EVEN DO? CG: IT'S ALL NONSENSE. CG: LIKE A BLUFF. YOU JUST SAY, OH KARKAT WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT I WROTE IS BULLSHIT BECAUSE HE'S TOO DUMB TO FIGURE IT OUT. CG: WELL YOU'RE BUSTED, THESE VIRUSES HERE I BET DO NOTHING AT ALL. TA: waiit, KK... CG: I BET IF I RAN THEM NOTHING BAD WOULD HAPPEN. CG: MIGHT EVEN IMPROVE MY COMPUTER'S PERFORMANCE! TA: no don't. CG: HOW ABOUT THIS IDIOTIC PROGRAM WITH THE RED AND BLUE CODE, WHICH IS A MEANINGLESS THING TO DO WITH CODE ANYWAY. CG: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? IT'S ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR SCAMS. CG: WHY NOT SNEAK SOME BAD CLIP ART INTO THE FILES TOO, AND PRETEND THAT'S CODE??? TA: oh god, no dont run that, iim 2eriiou2. CG: WHAT WOULD HAPPEN? TA: iim not 2ure, but iit would be really, really bad iif you ran iit, ju2t dont. CG: AH HA. JUST AS I THOUGHT, YOU CAN'T EVEN COME UP WITH A GOOD LIE WHEN I PRESS YOU ON IT. CG: YOUR BLUFF HAS BEEN CALLED. CG: COMPILING AS WE SPEAK, IT WILL AUTORUN WHEN IT FINISHES. CG: AND NOW I HAVE TO GO ATTEND TO SOMETHING OUTSIDE, BECAUSE TEREZI IS DOING SOMETHING JUST UNSPEAKABLY STUPID RIGHT NOW. CG: WHOOPS, FORGET I SAID THAT. IT WAS PRIVILEGED INFORMATION. TA: you are the dumbe2t grubfucker on the planet, ii 2wear. CG: LATER DOUCHE BAG. TA: KK DO NOT RUN THAT CODE. TA: hello??????????????
Karkat and his friends and everyone they would ever meet thereafter would experience great misfortune on account of the curse unwittingly implemented through Sollux's esoteric MOBIUS DOUBLE REACHAROUND VIRUS.
Every troll's lusus would soon die. All but one of their kernelsprites would be prototyped with a dead lusus, each prior to entering the Medium. Upon entry, they would each have a bittersweet reunion with the creature after the kernel hatched, triggering the sprite's metamorphosis. For the first time, the trolls would be able to have verbal conversations with their custodians, and would be guided by them along their journeys.
Unfortunately, the underlings and warring royalty would gain the benefits of the monstrous prototypings as well. Each sprite, except for one, would only be prototyped once. The players would learn quickly that while one pre-entry prototyping per player was absolutely necessary for ultimate success, additional pre-entry prototypings merely empowered their enemies unnecessarily.
The game has no explicit rule that demands something dead for prototyping. But in practice, the kernelsprite has particular attraction to the deceased or the doomed. Across every session ever played, exceptions to this pattern are extremely rare.
Why did you send Karkat that code? It was such a bad idea. You suppose it was a boastful gesture to get a friend to think more highly of you. But why would flaunting your superior skills accomplish this? It was foolish.
You ought to wipe all these clever viruses you wrote off your computer. They can only bring more trouble.
While deleting your virus folders, you pause on one oddball file you have lying around.
You did not write this virus. You copied it from an obscure server, far beyond your planet's global network. This application is running on that server perpetually.
It is an extremely simple ~ATH program. Its main loop is tied to the lifespan of the universe. When the universe dies, a mysterious subprogram will be executed. You have no way of knowing what that subprogram does. It runs on a protected part of the server. It is completely unhackable.
You delete the file, but it won't do much good. The program is already running elsewhere. Luckily, whatever harm it will do will not be done for many billions of years. And even then, what harm could a virus do after the expiration of the universe? This file always struck you as quite odd.
But Sollux, even with his vision twofold, does not have the perceptional luxuries of our vision omnipresent.
When executed, the subprogram will summon an indestructible demon into the recently voided universe. This monstrous being with the power to travel through time is inconvenienced very little by his arrival upon THE GREAT UNDOING. He has the entire cadaver of the expired universe to pick apart at his whim. From its birth through its swelling maturity and tapering decay. In a reality he is known to have marked for predation, he will go about assembling followers through various epochs, even going as far as personally establishing the parameters for his future summoning.
Sollux couldn't know that the virus is essentially a formality.
Sounds like your lusus is agitated about something up there. You already gave him his serving of honey today. If he thinks he can get more, well that's just greedy.
You keep your enormous BICYCLOPS chained to the roof of your COMMUNAL HIVE STEM. It is the only place there is room for him. Dueling with him on the roof during feeding time is a daily ordeal.
You are known to be heavily arrested by FAIRY TALES AND FANTASY STORIES. You have an acute ability to COMMUNE WITH THE MANY CREATURES OF ALTERNIA, a skill you have utilized to CAPTURE AND TRAIN a great many. They are all your friends, as well as your warriors, which you pit in battle through a variety of related CARD AND ROLE PLAYING GAMES. You used to engage in various forms of MORE EXTREME ROLEPLAYING with some of your other friends before you had an accident.
You like to engage in the noble practice of ALTERNIAN SLAM POETRY, possibly the oldest, most revered, and certainly freshest artform in your planet's rich history. You have a profound fascination with the concept of FLIGHT, and all lore surrounding the topic. You believe in FAIRIES, even though they AREN'T REAL.
Your trolltag is adiosToreador and you uHH, sPEAK IN A SORT OF, uHH, fALTERING MANNER,
You kickstart a rousing match of FIDUSPAWN, with the only friend you've got to play with in person, your loyal lusus TINKERBULL.
You take a look at the favorable hand you dealt yourself and crack a mischievous smile. With a HOST PLUSH at the ready, you quickly lob an OOGONIBOMB and catch your adversary off guard!!!
You like to practice your jousting outside. One day you hope to prove yourself worthy of recruitment into the halls of the dreaded imperial CAVALREAPERS. Assuming you are not slated for culling first on account of your disability. Or really any other arbitrary reason.
You wheel over to your favorite poster featuring PUPA PAN, which is your favorite thing. You have always fantasized that one day intrepid young Pupa would come and take you away, and together you would fly to a beautiful paradise planet of legend, that has all sorts of fanciful stuff like pirates, treasure, a cruel villain with a missing arm and a missing eye, and these weird aliens called "indians". You have left your window open since you were very young, just in case Pupa stopped by one night and decided to splash a pinch of SPECIAL STARDUST in your face.
You have had this interest far prior to your accident. Being paralyzed isn't what made you want to be able to fly. That would be dumb and would make no sense.
Being paralyzed does sort of make you want to be able to walk, though.
But before that you had to scoot around in your wheel device throughout the various worlds of the Medium, and endure all sorts of follies related to your disability, which on account of their great plurality and marginal relevance we will not get to see. Just as well.
Wow, look what happens when you space out and contemplate the future like that. The messages start piling up.
|PESTERLOG|
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling adiosToreador [AT]
AG: Taaaaaaaavros. AT: hEY, AG: Red team is going to 8ite the dust! AG: And I know you are on the red team. AT: wHOA, rEALLY, AG: Yeah, you totally are. AG: My team's got no use for a 8oy that can't make no use of his legs! AG: You were f8ed for a team of losers, full of 8lind girls and lame 8oys and cranky iiiiiiiim8eciles. AG: ::::) AT: oK, yOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT ABOUT THAT, AT: bUT i SHOULDN'T BE TALKING TO YOU, AG: Oh???????? AT: i PROMISED I WOULDN'T TALK TO YOU ANYMORE, AG: Whaaaaaaaat. Promised who? AT: rUFIO, AG: Omg, who's that???????? AG: I h8 this guy already! AT: hE'S, uHH, AT: oKAY, AT: sOMEONE SAID i SHOULD GIVE MY SELF ESTEEM A NAME, AT: aND TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT WHAT i SAY, tO MAKE SURE i DON'T HURT HIS FEELINGS, AG: Haha! So he's imaginary! A fake. AG: Like a made up friend, the way fairies are. AG: Made up make believe fakey fake fakes. AG: Who told you to do something so fraudulent? AT: gA, AT: bUT i DON'T KNOW IF SHE WAS JOKING ABOUT IT, AT: iT MIGHT BE A JOKE, uHH, i DON'T KNOW, bUT i DID IT ANYWAY, AG: Oh maaaaaaaan, what a meddler. AG: I h8 her meddling! Why is she always meddling? AG: I don't know if it was a joke, 8ut man. AT: uH, AG: I don't think it was a joke. It was more like........ AG: Ok, complete this analogy. AG: Laughing is to a joke as meddling is to ........? AT: uUHHH, AG: Exactly! That's what she just did to you. AG: It is worse than a joke. It is worse than anything you can do. AG: Next time tell her to can it! That's what I do. AG: But she keeps 8ugging me. 8ugging and fussing and meddling. What's her deal! AG: I guess it's flattering that she wants to talk to me so much though. I guess I don't mind. It's cool. AG: Anyway Tavros, you've been amazingly 8oring as usual, so I'm going to go. AT: oKAY, AG: This show needs to get on the freaking road. AG: 8elieve it or not, the 8lue team doesn't have a single player in the session yet! AG: While you guys have like two or three or such! AG: Un8elievable, I wonder what the holdup is. Oh well, let's face it! You guys need the head start. AT: uHH, AG: Ok, anyway, good luck to you. It will be just like old tiiiiiiiimes. AG: :::;) AG: Adios, Toreasnore!!!!!!!!
|PESTERLOG|
terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling adiosToreador [AT]
TC: mOtHeRfUcK mY bRoThEr, Im So SoRrY i KiNd Of ZoNeD oUt ThErE. AT: hI, tHAT'S OK. AT: i WASN'T EXPECTING YOU TO NOT BE ZONED OUT FOR ANY REASON. AT: sO i GUESS, i DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR APOLOGY. TC: AlRiGhT, fUcK yEaH, iT's AlL gOoD aNyWaY. TC: i JuSt ZoNeD oUt WhEn I wAs SuPpOsEd To Be AlL aBoUt BeInG tO tElL yOu YoU'rE aLl On My TeAm. AT: uH, yEAH, tHE RED TEAM YOU MEAN, TC: ShIt MoThErFuCkIn YeAh My WiCkEd MoThErFuCkEr! TC: :o) hOnK hOnK hOnK AT: oK, tHAT'S GREAT, i JUST HEARD ABOUT THIS, AT: fROM SOMEONE i DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT, AT: bUT IT STILL BASICALLY QUALIFIES AS GOOD NEWS, TC: :o) HoNkHoNkHoNkHoNkHoNk AT: }:o), hEH, TC: hAhAh FuUuUuCk, YoU sToLe My FuCkIn NoSe BrO! TC: WhAt GoT yOu EvEn Up ThE gUmPtIoN tO aLl FuCkIn Do ThE sHiT lIkE tHaT? AT: eRR, i DON'T KNOW, iT'S JUST, AT: kIND OF THE OBVIOUS THING TO DO, AT: sTICK THE CIRCLE IN FRONT OF THE DOTS, aND, bEHIND THE BENDY ONE, AT: pLUS, oH YEAH, mY HORNS, TC: hAhAhAhA. AT: mAYBE WE CAN SLAM ABOUT IT, TC: YeAh, I cOuLd KiCk ThE sHiT oUt Of SoMe RhYmEs BrO. TC: aLl StIr Up SoMe FuCkIn HeLl MiRtH aNd RiP oPeN a FuCkIn BaG oF hArShWhImSy. AT: yEAHHH, yOU CAN TALK ABOUT THE CLOWN THINGS, wHICH, AT: i DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND EVER, bUT THAT'S OKAY, AT: bECAUSE IT'S KIND OF FUNNY, AT: wHEREAS, i'LL ADDRESS SOME TOPICS PERTAINING TO MY INTERESTS, AT: aND i GUESS, pERSONAL MOTIFS, TC: YeAh! FuCk YeAh, ThAt Be HoW sHiT's AlL uSuAlLy Up AnD fUcKiN lOcKeD bRo. TC: bUt FiRsT hErE's ThE tHiNg WiTh ThE gAmE. AT: oH YEAH, i ALMOST FORGOT, aBOUT, AT: tHE RED TEAM GAME, TC: YeAh Ok If I rEmEmBeR rIgHt ThIs Is HoW wE'rE jUgGlInG tHiS sHiT. TC: lOt'S oF fUcKiN bAlLs In ThE aIr, HaHaHa. TC: TeReZi CoNnEcTeD tO kArKaT, sO hE's FuCkIn ChIlL. TC: tHeN i'M sUpPoSeD tO cOnNeCt To HeR sOoN tO gEt HeR aLl ChIlL tOo. TC: BuT sHe'S iN tHe WoOdS dOiNg SoMeThInG. TC: wHeN sHe CoMeS bAcK sHe StArTs PlAyInG. TC: So In ThE mEaN mOtHeRfUcKiN tImE i'M sUpPoSeD tO gEt YoU tO cOnNeCt To Me. TC: bUt I fUcKiN sPaCeD oUt AnD fOrGoT. TC: BeCaUsE i GuEsS i WaS wAy ToO mOtHeRfUcKiN cHiLl AlL uP iN tHiS sHiT, hAhAhAhAhA! AT: yEAH, i UNDERSTAND, TC: sO jUsT dOwNlOaD tHiS mOtHeRfUcKeR i'M sEnDiNg YoU sO wE cAn KiCk ThIs BiTcH dOwN tHe StAiRs. AT: oKAY, i'LL DO THAT, aND, AT: iN THE MEANTIME, sHALL i, AT: cUE UP THE, AT: sTRICT BEATS????? }:D TC: AwWwWw BrOtHeR nOw YoU aLl FuCk AnD uP aNd DoNe It. TC: yOu ArE fUcKiN wHeEl DeEp In A bIg SlOpPy MaSsAcRe PiE tOpPeD wItH mOtHeRfUcKiN wHiPpEd RhYmE. TC: HoW sTrIcT aRe ThOsE bEaTs At, MoThErFuCkEr? AT: wELL, i, AT: tURNED UP THOSE BITCHES TO PRETTY STERN, AT: sET BEATS TO LECTURE, aND, i'M KIND OF GOING HOG WILD ON THE CURMUDGEON KNOB, AT: wHICH, i HAD RECENTLY INSTALLED, TC: gOd DaMn!!! TC: TeLl Me MoRe WhIlE i GeT mY rEaCh On FoR tHiS fRoStY bReW. AT: oKAY, AT: iMAGINE AN ARRAY OF BEATS THAT SET LIMITS, AT: tHEY GOT A RULEBOOK, iT DOESN'T PAY TO SKIM IT, AT: bECAUSE, tHERE'S NOT A LOT OF LATITUDE, AT: tHEY WON'T STAND FOR AN ATTITUDE, AT: aND, cROSSING THEM'S A HABIT YOU'D, AT: (nOT REALLY WANT TO GET INTO BECAUSE, uHH), AT: tHEY'D GET PRETTY MAD AT YOU, TC: fUuUuCk, So FuCkIn FrEsH. TC: YoU nEeD tO bE sLaPpEd FuCkIn SiLlY wItH a MoUtH lIkE tHaT! hAhA. AT: aND, iF YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH IT, AT: tHEN i SUGGEST YOU GO AND RAP IT DUDE, TC: oK i WiLl. TC: JuSt LeT mE sNeAk Up On ThIs BoTtLe Of FaYgO aNd SnAp ItS nEcK lIkE iM a FuCkIn LaUgHsSaSsIn. TC: oK. TC: ArE tHoSe BeAtS sTiLl ChIlL? AT: yEAH, TC: aRe ThEy MoThErFuCkIn StRiCt??? AT: yEAHHHHH, TC: AiGhT. TC: cRaCk...... TC: HiSsSsSsSsSsSsSs. TC: mOtHeRfUcKiN kIcK iT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You both then proceed to have one of the worst rap-offs in the history of paradox space.
The counterweight is the skull of an ancient mother grub, slain thousands of solar sweeps ago.
The egg contains a rare species of dragon which remains blind until maturity, using its other senses to survive. It has balanced the skull here for millennia, waiting for the warmth of a meteor-sparked forest fire before hatching.
As you learned, your dreams became more vivid. Where before there was darkness, odors and flavors painted a striking picture. You found yourself surrounded by bright honey walls, and in the sky was a huge tasty ball of cotton candy, which is this sweet troll delicacy we wouldn't know anything about.
The first time you caught a glimpse of this world in your dreams, there was no turning back.
The young lusus would take to the sky and promptly get herself killed. This would be much more shocking and maybe a little bit more sad if we didn't already know it was going to happen.
The doomsday device would display the amount of time you had to get back to your hive and enter the Medium before the forest was destroyed.
At the time, it wouldn't occur to you to wonder whether the device was directly responsible for the apocalypse, or merely served as its precisely calibrated harbinger. And it certainly wouldn't occur to you to cast doubt on any perceived difference between those two things.
It wouldn't until later, when you better understood the game you were about to play.
You once had a number of INTERESTS, which in time you have LOST INTEREST IN. You seem to recollect once having a fondness for ARCHEOLOGY, though now have trouble recalling this passion. It nonetheless has led you to find your PRESENT CALLING, which came through the discovery of these MYSTIC RUINS on which you presently stand, and which you recently DESECRATED OUT OF BOREDOM.
Guiding you to this calling were the VOICES OF THE DEAD, which you have been able to hear since you were young. The voices have become louder as THE GREAT UNDOING approaches. This trend in escalation began after an ACCIDENT involving a CERTAIN KIND OF ROLE PLAYING, which might have been another of your interests once upon a time. It doesn't matter much anymore.
The accident resulted in the DEATH OF YOUR LUSUS, which prompted you to leave your home and take up these ruins as residence. On the instruction of your ANCESTORS, you have recovered MYSTERIOUS TECHNOLOGY from the ruins, and convinced a friend to adapt it into a GAME THAT WILL BRING ABOUT THE DESTRUCTION OF YOUR CIVILIZATION. And by convinced, you suppose you mean tricked.
He has tentatively named the game SGRUB, which is a word that is NOT TERRIBLY ELEGANT. If it were marketed by a legitimate game company instead of rapidly patched together by a young hacker, it would ostensibly be given a better title. He is presently mobilizing twelve friends to play it, including him and yourself. He believes he will lead the blue team. But he is wrong.
Your trolltag is apocalypseArisen and there is typically a pr0n0unced h0ll0wness t0 y0ur w0rds.
You found this baffling artifact some time ago on one of your digs. The creature on its facade is completely mystifying. You have taken to using it as your primary computing device on account of its bizarre novelty, as well as convenient portability.
Oh, look who's bothering you again.
She's always bugging you. Bugging and fussing and meddling. What's her deal! You guess it's flattering that she wants to talk to you so much though.
You're ok with it. You're ok with a lot of things.
|PESTERLOG|
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
GA: Hi Again Aradia AA: 0h n0000000 GA: So I Guess Tonight Is The Night You Blow Everything Up AA: 0_0 GA: Is There Nothing I Can Do To Change Your Mind AA: n0 AA: 0r yes AA: yes theres n0thing AA: and n0 y0u cant AA: but y0u sh0uldnt pretend as if y0u believe this has anything t0 d0 with the state 0f my mind AA: 0r the decisi0ns it will make 0r has already made GA: Yeah I Guess Not GA: I Thought Id Be Friendly Though GA: And Remind You That You Do In Fact Have A Hand In All The Terrible Things That Are About To Happen GA: Because Thats What Friends Are For GA: And The Fact That What Ensues Will Be Terrible GA: Is An Immutable Fact I Am Stating For The Record GA: And The Fact That We Will Not Be On The Same Team Is Similarly Immutable GA: It Does Not Mean That Teamwork Is What Isnt Taking Place Here AA: s0rry i didnt f0ll0w that GA: Ill Be Here To Help GA: If You Need Me AA: 0k AA: thanks
|PESTERLOG|
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
AG: Araaaaaaaadiiiiiiiia! AA: 0h b0y thats way t00 many of the same letter in a r0w twice AG: I know! AG: So we're a8out to get started right? AG: Have you tricked Sollux yet? AG: Do you have Mr. Two Eyes all 8efuddled and flustered in your we8 of lies? AG: Or Mr. Four Eyes? AG: Hmmmmmmmmm. AG: I don't know. Which nickname do you think would 8e suita8ly derogatory in this case Aradia? AA: h0w ab0ut AA: eight eyes AA: minus seven AG: ::::P AA: i didnt trick him AA: its n0t like that AG: Ok, whatever. The point is. AG: Once you have pulled the finely woven silken mesh over his dum8 different colored eyes, you and I will start playing the game and 8e the 8lue team leaders. AG: That's how this will work right???????? AG: Wait do you mind if we are co-leaders? I forgot to ask! I just assumed it was ok with you. AA: i d0nt care AG: Great. That's the spirit! AG: And when I 8ring you into the game, whatever the hell that means, then we can send each other stuff right? That is how this works right? AA: yes AG: Awesome! AG: 8ecause I have a present for you. It's a surprise, and it's going to 8e great. From me to you. AG: Just from me. From me alone and no8ody else. AG: I can't wait to see the look on your face when you see. AA: 0k well im sure it will be very th0ughtful AG: Hey speaking of which, what will the name of our team 8e? AA: uh AA: the blue team AG: No no no no no. I know that. AG: I mean the name of OUR team. You and me. Just uuuuuuuus. AG: ::::) AA: i havent given it any th0ught AA: n0r did i think such a thing was up f0r c0nsiderati0n AA: but if y0u want t0 pretend we b0th have a separate team t0gether AA: and name that team AA: then kn0ck y0urself 0ut AG: I just thought it would 8e really fitting. AG: Kind of like a fresh start, you know? AG: I don't know, what are our shared interests? I guess I never really thought a8out this! I guess I'm used to thinking of you as the enemy. There must 8e some overlap in profiles. AG: Come oooooooon, let's 8rainstorm! AA: 0_0 AG: Man, it'll 8e great. We'll 8e unstoppa8le. Surely you must admit it will 8e nice to re8ound from the Team Charge de8acle! AA: i never think ab0ut that anym0re AG: Oh maaaaaaaan, I'm so dum8! Here I am running my mouth and opening up old wounds, while at the very same time trying to make amends! What an idiot. AA: its 0k AG: Hey speaking of which, that loser isn't going to 8e on the 8lue team is he? AA: which l0ser AG: Your old team 8uddy! AA: n0 AG: Oh thank fucking goodness! Talk a8out dead weight. You made the right choice, leader! I mean co-leader. AA: i didnt exclude him f0r that reas0n AA: 0r at all AA: y0ure just n0t getting it AA: y0u never listen AG: Man, now I've got this huge 8eefgrub lodged in my nook just thinking a8out him. AG: I'm going to go give him a hard time. AG: Let me know when you're live! Later.
|PESTERLOG|
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
TA: aradiia ii would liike two apologiize, ii flew off the handle there. TA: iit wa2 liike the handle wa2 a bald guy goiing really fa2t, and ii wa2 hii2 twoupee. TA: 2o iim 2orry, iit wa2 my fault. AA: its 0k TA: ii hope we are 2tiill friiend2. AA: yes we are TA: 2o anyway, ii thiink even though ii quiit a2 leader iim 2tiill goiing two play the game now. TA: becau2e iit2 eiither that or get totally creamed by all the2e fuckiing 2pace boulder2. TA: hey maybe we can make the be2t of the game anyway, even though ii guess we are goiing two lo2e. AA: n0 im s0rry AA: y0u cant s0llux AA: n0t yet TA: oh my god!!! TA: youre goiing two giive me 2hiit agaiin??? TA: after ii crawled on my belly liike that all groveliing at you. TA: liike 2ome low cla22 guy wiith... whatever color blood ii2 lower on the hiierarchy than miine. TA: what2 wor2e than yellow? TA: fuck thii2 confu2iing ca2te 2y2tem. TA: anyway 2crew you, iim playiing thii2 game riight now. AA: n0 y0ure n0t AA: trust me TA: waiit what2 thii2... TA: are you heariing that 2pooky me22age from the grave? TA: iit ii2 from my abiiliity two giive a 2hiit. TA: whiich ju2t diied. TA: thii2 ii2 where you laugh agaiin! AA: c0me t0 the wind0w TA: why. AA: because im 0utside TA: b2. AA: take a l00k TA: ii dont 2ee anythiing out there. AA: c0me cl0ser y0ull see me AA: i pr0mise TA: god ii am ju2t bulge deep iin the fecal matter of a wiildly iincontiinent hoofbea2t but ok, iill iindulge you. TA: here ii go!
When you would finally wake up, you'd discover all of your teammates had connected to each other and entered the Medium. You would be the last to enter. Your long nap would facilitate a series of important dreams that would prove essential in support of your teammates.
But here and now, the destruction of your hive would be imminent unless you could quickly establish a connection to the first player of the group and complete the chain.
You live in a CAVE that is also a HIVE, but still mostly just a CAVE. You like to engage in FRIENDLY ROLE PLAYING, but not the DANGEROUS KIND. Never the DANGEROUS KIND. It's TOO DANGEROUS! Too many of your good friends have gotten hurt that way.
Your daily routine is dangerous enough as it is. You prowl the wilderness for GREAT BEASTS, and stalk them and take them down with nothing but your SHARP CLAWS AND TEETH! You take them back to your cave and EAT THEM, and from time to time, WEAR THEIR PELTS FOR FUN. You like to paint WALL COMICS using blood and soot and ash, depicting EXCITING TALES FROM THE HUNT! And other goofy stories about you and your numerous pals. Your best pal of all is A LITTLE BOSSY, and people wonder why you even bother with him. But someone has to keep him pacified. If not you, then who? Everyone has an important job to do.
Your trolltag is arsenicCatnip and :33 < *your sp33ch precedes itself with the face of your lusus who is pawssibly the cutest and purrhaps the bestest kitty you have ever s33n!*
You are always wearing your CLAW GLOVES. You never know when you might encounter some unsuspecting prey. Or when some prey might encounter an unsuspecting you!
On Alternia, everything is considered unsuspecting prey by everything else.
She sure enjoys a good scratch! POUNCE DE LEON is the best kitty cat. You and she go on adventures together in search of the FOUNTAIN OF CUTE. You ride your sure-pawed mount into the rugged frontier. And sometimes she rides you when she gets tired, which is frequently.
It sure will be sad when she dies. But who knows when or how that will happen. We might not even really have the time to find out!
You saunter over to your DRAWING TABLET COMPUTER. You use this to draw... on a computer!!! It would be cool if this could somehow be adapted to serve as a fetch modus as well. That would be so much more fun than the frustrating one you're using now.
You wonder what this grumpy fellow wants? Probably something to do with that game. That seems to be all ANYBODY'S talking about lately!
|PESTERLOG|
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]
CG: HEY. AC: :33 < *ac perks up curiously* AC: :33 < *she wiggles her rear end a bit and then chases something she s33s bounce into one of karkats shoes* CG: KARKAT CAN'T BELIEVE HE HAS TO SINK THIS LOW. CG: KARKAT CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S ASKING AN AUTISTIC GIRL IN A CAVE TO JOIN HIS TEAM. CG: KARKAT MYSTIFIES IN INFINITE BEFUDDLEMENT OVER THE FACT THAT YOU ARE PRESENTLY THE BEST REMAINING CANDIDATE FOR THE RED TEAM. AC: :33 < i am??? AC: :33 < i mean *ac says i am??? wondrously* CG: YES AND KARKAT CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THAT. CG: KARKAT THINKS ABOUT THAT A BIT AND HIS JAW DROPS OPEN AND BREAKS A HUGE COLUMN OF BRICKS LIKE A FUCKING KUNG FU MASTER. AC: :33 < *ac gathers up all the brick pieces and builds a cute little house and invites karkat inside* CG: OK GOOD, IT'S GOOD THAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT BUILDING. CG: EVEN IF IT'S IN THE MOST INANE POSSIBLE CONTEXT. CG: YOU'RE GOING TO BE DOING A LOT OF IT. AC: :33 < yesss that sounds fun AC: :33 < ok what do i do? CG: OK, BRIEFING: CG: ME, TEREZI, GAMZEE AND TAVROS ARE ALL PLAYING NOW. CG: THE CONNECTION ORDER IS AT -> TC -> GC -> CG. CG: WE NEED SOMEONE TO CONNECT TO TOREADOR AND GET HIM IN THE GAME. CG: I HAVE GA LINED UP FOR THE RED TEAM BECAUSE SHE IS ONE OF THE FEW REMAINING SANE ONES LEFT TO PLAY. CG: OK, THE ONLY SANE ONE. CG: BUT SHE DOESN'T WANT TO CONNECT YET BECAUSE OF SOME MYSTERIOUS BULLSHIT, SO I WAS LIKE WHATEVER, WHAT ELSE IS NEW. CG: SO I GUESS THAT LEAVES YOU. CG: TEREZI SAID SHE HAD YOU LINED UP TO PLAY BACK WHEN SHE WAS THE FAKE LEADER, SO I SAID FINE. CG: SO JUST CONNECT TO TAVROS AND LATER WE'LL WORRY ABOUT GETTING YOU IN. AC: :33 < alright! i will talk to him about that AC: :33 < oh AC: :33 < *ac pawses and looks up with a little bit of chagrin* AC: :33 < i forgot i have to talk to someone else about this AC: :33 < i have b33n purrcrastinating :(( CG: OH GOD. CG: ARE YOU REALLY SERIOUS. AC: :33 < its not that big of a deal! CG: THIS BOGGLES MY MIND. CG: HOW CAN YOU BE BEST FRIENDS WITH THE ONLY GUY ON THE PLANET WHO'S A BIGGER ASSHOLE THAN ME. AC: :33 < hes not so bad! CG: HE'S SCUM. CG: BUT DO WHATEVER YOU'VE GOT TO DO I GUESS. CG: TAVROS IS WAITING.
|PESTERLOG|
arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT]
AC: :33 < *ac twitches her friendly whiskers at ct* CT: D --> Hi AC: :33 < *ct purrplexes over where he put that important wrench that he n33ded for building a fancy robot or something* AC: :33 < *he says, now where did that silly old wrench go??* CT: D --> 100k CT: D --> What are you e%pecting to accomplish with this AC: :33 < *but oh look! ct p33ks around the corner to find that a very playful kitty has stolen the robot wrench and is now kicking it vigorously with her hind legs!* CT: D --> This is f001ishness upon one hundred thousand prior, equally unsolicited f001ishnesses CT: D --> You'll stop now AC: XOO < rawwrrrrr AC: :33 < youre so lame! CT: D --> I'm not CT: D --> I'm fine AC: :33 < no! lame CT: D --> No I'm not AC: :33 < lame CT: D --> No AC: :33 < youve never played a fun purrtend game with me ever even once! AC: :33 < even karkat does it sometimes, even if he does mean it in a grumpy and insincere way AC: :33 < but at least its still fun! CT: D --> Yuck CT: D --> Don't pol100t my incoming data stream with his name, or any sort of e%cremental language you pick up from his ilk AC: :33 < i s33 right through your stupid act, who are you trying to kid! AC: :33 < look how you go out of your way to use words that have x's in them so that you can use your silly purrcent signs AC: :33 < or use these absurd words that you can shoehorn a '100' into, even if its not strictly replacing 'loo'!!! AC: :33 < you are so transpurrent AC: :33 < i can tell you like to play games, d33p down you are a guy who likes to play games! AC: :33 < i can smell a guy who likes to play games from so fur away with this nose, you have no idea X33 CT: D --> If you're 100king for a 100phole through which you may e%tract concessions from me, you'll have to 100k elsewhere AC: :33 < s33! what the hell??? CT: D --> Nepeta, what did I say about that awful language CT: D --> I won't stand for it, and you'll stop AC: :33 < oops AC: :33 < sorry :(( CT: D --> Your fraternization with the base classes have 100sened your morals, can't you see this AC: :33 < no! i dont care, they are fun AC: :33 < and i dont know anything about classes or bases or blood color, it doesn't matter! AC: :33 < what does gr33n blood even mean! it doesnt mean anything to me and it shouldnt mean anything to anyone else! CT: D --> Well, green b100d is ok, but it's not great CT: D --> But that's why you're lucky to have me to 100k out for you CT: D --> Because you don't know better, and you can't fight the role the mother had in store for you AC: :33 < rawrgh, you are such a hypurrcrite! AC: :33 < you pretend to be so high and mighty but i know you're not and i know you like games AC: :33 < look at that silly little bow and arrow you always type! AC: :33 < its always there, you never furget AC: :33 < why would you do that if it wasnt a playful fun thing, i am so on to you! CT: D --> My bow and arrow are highly dignified symbols AC: :33 < lol! bs!!! CT: D --> Archery is among the highest and most e%ceptional crafts, held in tremendous regard by the most a100f classes for centuries AC: :33 < you suck at archery CT: D --> No AC: :33 < yes CT: D --> No AC: :33 < yes CT: D --> No I don't AC: :33 < yessssss yes yes yes AC: :33 < have you ever even successfully fired an arrow? AC: :33 < like actually got one to leave the bow?? CT: D --> I think CT: D --> We need to stop talking about archery AC: :33 < nuh uh CT: D --> Yes AC: :33 < no CT: D --> We will stop talking about archery CT: D --> The topic is making me CT: D --> Sweat AC: :33 < eww AC: :33 < youre so gross CT: D --> No, you're the one who e%ercises distasteful practices AC: :33 < nooo, thats you AC: :33 < everyone knows youre a weirdo and a cr33p! AC: :33 < thats why youre lucky to have me to k33p an eye on you AC: :33 < no one else can stand you! CT: D --> You e%terminate beautiful, innocent creatures by the hundreds CT: D --> I can't condone such wretched behavior CT: D --> Beasts are meant to be 100ked upon with adoration AC: :33 < but AC: :33 < i eat them! AC: :33 < i dont kill anything i dont eat, that would be mean CT: D --> I guess that's basically acceptable in principle, but I still find it a bit unsavory AC: :33 < well i think YOUR habits are unsavory! CT: D --> No they're not AC: :33 < yuh HUH CT: D --> You're wrong about me, Nepeta CT: D --> I do like to play games CT: D --> But they must be e%tremely important games with very high stakes CT: D --> Not the kind played by trans100cent green wigglers who let 100se an e%cremental surge hard in their wiggler-bottom diaperstubs CT: D --> As it happens I have arranged to play just such a game tonight CT: D --> Aradia and I have a private engagement to be co-leaders of the b100 team AC: :33 < oh yeah?? AC: :33 < *well just by purrchance it happens that ac has a private and sneaky engagement to play this game as well!* AC: :33 < *and by a purrsnickety twist of fate, she will be on the R33D TEAM, with her other great friends who like to play their childish diaperpoop games!!!!* AC: :33 < :PP CT: D --> Absolutely not AC: :33 < absolutely :PP CT: D --> I forbid this CT: D --> You will take your position on the b100 team with me AC: :33 < yeah right! i will take my purrsition into this funny pounce ball and tackle you! CT: D --> That's nonsense, you're nowhere even remotely within my pro%imity that would be necessary to e%ecute such a maneuver AC: :33 < *ac rolls her eyes almost as hard as she is rolling around in this really interesting smell* CT: D --> The thought of you fraternizing with and abetting those stink-b100ded h001igans strikes me as scandal beyond measure CT: D --> I'm afraid you're too delicate to withstand that sort of corruption CT: D --> It's forbidden AC: :33 < nuh uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> You won't AC: :33 < no AC: :33 < i will CT: D --> You won't AC: :33 < you cant stop me! CT: D --> I am telling you not to CT: D --> And you will be on my team CT: D --> That's final AC: XPO < bllllraaaaaawwwwwlllllrrrrghgghghgh CT: D --> Quiet AC: :33 < why do you do this, why are you so confurdent about your stupid commands? AC: :33 < dont you know you cant ACTUALLY tell me what to do?? AC: :33 < its not like you even have any special mind pawers or telepurrthy or anything! CT: D --> No CT: D --> I do not CT: D --> And yet CT: D --> You will do as I say AC: :33 < yes well we will just s33 about that! CT: D --> Yes we will CT: D --> You will join me on my team shortly CT: D --> Stand by for further instru%ion AC: :33 < hisssssssss! CT: D --> You're angry, and I appreciate that CT: D --> But it doesn't matter CT: D --> Di%ussion over AC: :33 < :((
|PESTERLOG|
arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling adiosToreador [AT]
AC: :33 < *ac curls up in tavroses lap* AT: oKAY, *i, AT: fOR THE TIME BEING, aND, AT: fOR THE SAKE OF THIS FANTASY SCENARIO, i PRETEND, AT: tHAT MY CAT ALLERGIES AREN'T THAT BAD,* AC: :33 < *ac takes a long nap* AC: :33 < *and then wakes up and frowns because she has bad news* AT: *oH NO,* AT: iS, AT: wHAT i SAY, AT: aBOUT THE BAD NEWS, nOT THE NAP, AC: :33 < tavros im sorry i cant be on your team :(( AC: :33 < im not allowed AT: oH, AT: tHAT'S OKAY, AT: tHEN i GUESS HE SAID NO, tHEN, AC: :33 < yes unfurtunately AC: :33 < rarg im so mad! AT: iT'S PROBABLY FOR THE BEST, AT: tHAT YOU LISTEN TO HIM, AC: :33 < i dont know AC: :33 < you think so? AT: wELL, AT: iF YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO HIM BEFORE, AT: yOU MIGHT HAVE PLAYED GAMES WITH US BEFORE, AT: aND SOMETHING BAD MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED TO YOU, AC: :33 < hmm purrhaps AC: :33 < but i still f33l bad AT: i'LL FIND ANOTHER PLAYER, iT'S NOT A BIG DEAL, AT: gOOD LUCK, bEING, AT: oN THE BLUE TEAM, AC: :33 < ok thanks :((
You fondly recall your days of far more intensive role playing. It seems like so long ago now. Aside from a few unfortunate moments, it was a lot of fun. If you had to do it all over again, you suppose you would select better company. Maybe this game you are playing tonight will rekindle some of that excitement.
You stand in your room on a healthy pair of legs and in a plucky little outfit. You are a low level BOY-SKYLARK, and you wield an inexpensive DAGGERLANCE, which is the closest thing to a jousting lance you can wield that is still compatible with your favorite class.
You are about to play a popular game called FLARP, which unlike most games published by major developers, was given a graceful and aesthetically pleasing name. It's a title under the EXTREME ROLE PLAYING genre, and playing it without caution can have serious real world consequences! But that's what makes it fun.
When you activate Flarp's grub, the campaign programmed for tonight will begin. TEAM CHARGE will duel TEAM SCOURGE as usual. This is going to be great.
|PESTERLOG|
adiosToreador [AT] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
AT: aRADIA, AT: mY GRUB IS LAYING NOW, sO AT: i'LL BE READY SOON, AA: c00l! AA: mine t00 AA: i d0nt kn0w where terezi is th0ugh AA: shes running late AT: oH, uHH AT: sHOULD WE WAIT, AA: n0 AA: ill be here cl0uding her campaign f0r her regardless AA: with 0r with0ut her! AA: her l0ss if she d0esnt make it AA: itll give y0u a chance t0 gain s0me gr0und AT: oKAY, AA: y0u picked a t0ugh class tavr0s! AA: n0ne 0f the really useful c0mbat abilities c0me int0 play until y0u reach a very high level AA: but i supp0se it will be rewarding when y0u get there AT: yEAH, i THINK YOU'RE RIGHT, bUT, AT: iT'S THE CLASS i THINK IS MOST FUN, aND, bATTLE SKILL IS NOT ALL THERE IS, AT: tO BEING A GREAT ADVENTURER, AA: i c0uldnt agree m0re AA: y0u might be the 0nly flarper in the w0rld wh0 really understands the true spirit 0f the game AA: every0ne else is s0 aggressive and treasure hungry! AA: but thats what makes beating them all the m0re satisfying AT: yEAH, i GUESS, AA: remember y0ur cl0uder isnt g0ing t0 pull any punches t0night AA: d0nt fall f0r her mind games AA: ill be here t0 assist 0f c0urse AA: if y0ure in tr0uble d0nt hesitate t0 ask f0r help AT: yEAH, i WON'T, AT: tHANKS, aRADIA, AA: n0 pr0blem!
They disperse throughout the terrain surrounding your hive. They follow both preprogrammed and live instructions by your CLOUDER, a member of Team Scourge, whose role is to provide you with a challenging scenario, while your teammate does the same for Scourge's other player.
You take your starting position in the field. The game is afoot, and anything can happen now. It's up to you to consult your maps and work with your teammate to discover the objective of the quest, find treasure, and slay monsters.
Your STAT BAT has bonded with you. This keeps track of every attribute for your character, including vitals. While these attributes in principle remain abstractions, due to the fact that this is EXTREME role playing, they will always relate in some way to your real life attributes as well. You've got to be careful out here!
|PESTERLOG|
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling adiosToreador [AT]
AG: Wellllllll? AT: uHH, AG: Hey 8oy-Skytard, are you going to just stand there all night? AG: Make your move, make your move, make your move! AT: i JUST THINK, AT: tHESE MONSTERS ARE TOO STRONG, AT: sORRY, bUT, tHEY DON'T SEEM APPROPRIATE FOR THIS CAMPAIGN, AG: Weak! Weaky weaky weak. AT: uHH, AT: wEAKY, iS THAT A REAL, AT: tHING TO SAY, AG: Yes. Your 8l8tant excuse making is the weakiest lame that ever shit the coward 8ed. AG: Roll your dice. Make your move. AG: Advance or a8scond! AT: i CAN'T ABSCOND, AT: tHERE'S NO, AT: uHH, aBSCONDING PLACE, AG: 8ut a8sconding is what you do 8est! AG: I 8n't managed to cloud a scenario yet you couldn't squawk out of in a 8lazing trail of cluck8east feathers. AG: You cannot hope to 8eat Tavros Nitram in an a8scond-off. AG: He is simply the 8est there is! AT: uHH, tHAT SOUNDS FLATTERING, tHEORETICALLY, AT: bUT, i DON'T THINK, AG: Hey pipe down! AG: Make your move! AG: Advance or a8scond, advance or a8scond! AG: Roll, Tavros! Roll!!!!!!!! AT: oKAY, AT: hOLD ON, fOR ONE MOMENT,
|PESTERLOG|
adiosToreador [AT] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
AT: aRADIA, AT: hEY, AT: aRE YOU THERE, AT: uHHH, AT: hMM,
adiosToreador [AT] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]
AT: hEY, AT: tEREZI, AT: i HAVE A PROBLEM, AT: uHHHHHHH,
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling adiosToreador [AT]
AG: No one can help you, Taaaaaaaavros! AG: ::::) AT: oKAY, AG: Time to decide! AT: wHERE IS EVERYBODY, AG: What does that have to do with your present cowardice? AT: i DON'T KNOW, AT: pROBABLY NOTHING, AG: Are you going to roll? AT: hMM, AT: nO, i CAN'T, AG: Why not? AT: bECAUSE, i WAS THINKING ABOUT THE NUMBERS, aND, AT: iT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR THERE TO BE A FAVORABLE OUTCOME, AT: nO MATTER WHAT THE DICE DO, AG: So, you give up? AT: yEAH, mAYBE, AG: Why not roll and make it official? AG: Why would you want to cheapsk8 me out of 8onuses like that? It's so thoughtless. AT: uHH, AG: Am I going to have to take matters into my own hands? AG: To make your move for you? AT: i THOUGHT, AT: yOU COULDN'T USE POWERS, AT: i MEAN, rEAL LIFE POWERS, nOT GAME ONES, AT: iT'S AGAINST THE RULES, AG: 8ut if you are going to 8reak the rules and refuse to roll, what choice do I have! AG: I h8 that it had to come to this 8ut what can I do!
|PESTERLOG|
AG: Tavros, have I mentioned how cute you look in that plucky little outfit? AG: Why if I didn't know 8etter, I'd say I was playing with Pupa Pan himself! AG: Isn't that what you want, Tavros? To 8e like Pupa? AG: Of course you do! What 8oy wouldn't want to 8e like Pupa! So dashing and 8rave. AG: He is everything you are not! AG: For one thing, he can flyyyyyyyy. AG: Do you want to flyyyyyyyy, Tavros? AG: Have you ever tried to fly? I 8et you haven't! AG: How a8out we take to the skies, Pupa! AG: Hahahaha, oh you like that idea, Pupa? Yes, you do. I can feel it in your simple, mallea8le 8rain. AG: You want to fly so 8ad!
|PESTERLOG|
adiosToreador [AT] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
AT: aG JUST JUMPED ME OFF A CLIFF, AT: wITH MY BRAIN, AT: aND, uHH AT: mY LEGS, aLSO, AT: aND NOW, tHEY FEEL, AT: iNVISIBLE, AT: wOW, i'M SURE THERE WAS A BETTER WAY TO SAY THAT, AT: aNYWAY, AT: tHAT'S REALLY ALL THERE IS, AT: tO REPORT ON THE SUBJECT, AT: oF ME GETTING HURT, CG: HEY ASSHOLE, STOP PLAYING GAMES FOR GIRLS.
|PESTERLOG|
But not too far into the present. Right around this moment, with Karkat and the toilet, during a conversation we have already read, which ended like this:
GC: OH BOY YOU N33D TO G3T W1TH TH3 PROGR4M K4RK4T GC: H4V3 YOU T4LK3D TO 44 CG: 44 WHAT? GC: 4POC4LYPS34R1S3N SORRY CG: NO, OF COURSE NOT. GC: OR T4 GC: OR 4G 1 GU3SS GC: OR C4 GC: R34LLY TH3R3S L1K3 TH1S WHOL3 CONSP1R4CY 4BOUT TH1S GC: 4S 1M F1ND1NG OUT CG: WELL WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME SO I DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO ANY OF THOSE DOUBLETALKING ASSHOLES. GC: 1 C4NT! GC: 1 GOTT4 ST3P OUT OF TH3 TR33 FOR 4 MOM3NT GC: WH3N 1 COM3 B4CK 1 W1LL 3NT3R TH3 G4M3 GC: CY4!
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
AG: Psssssssst. AG: Hey 8rave leader. CG: OH MY GOD, WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME. AG: Can I join your team? CG: YES I'M GLAD YOU ASKED, BECAUSE THERE IS A WIDE OPEN SLOT FOR THE MOST VILE BACKSTABBING SOCIOPATH WHO EVER LIVED. CG: YOU REALLY HELPED ME OUT OF A JAM BY STEPPING FORWARD. AG: Vile 8acksta88ing sociopath? Karkat, did you copy and p8ste that phrase directly from your personal ad descri8ing what you are looking for in a lady? CG: HA HA HA! CG: MORE CAGEY CUTESY BULLSHIT. CG: LIKE I'M NOT UP TO MY LOBE STEM WITH THAT ALREADY HAVING TO DEAL WITH TEREZI. CG: YOU BOTH MUST HAVE BEEN INSUFFERABLE WHEN YOU WERE A TEAM. CG: YOUR OPPONENTS PROBABLY ALL JUST TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE AFTER A FEW MINUTES OF PUTTING UP WITH YOUR FANGY GRINNED DRIVEL. CG: THAT'S PROBABLY HOW IT ALL WENT DOWN WHEN THE SHIT HIT THE THRESHER. AG: That's not a 8ad guess! 8ut man! Karkat you sure are giving me a hard time. AG: I don't see how we're supposed to 8e 8ecoming friends if you recoil from my olive 8ranch like I'm twitching a mummified 8ovine phallus in your direction. CG: BECOMING FRIENDS, WHAT THE FUCK. CG: WE WILL NEVER BE FRIENDS, MORON. AG: Not even h8 friends? CG: NO. MORE LIKE TWITCHY EYED PROJECTILE VOMITING IN UTTER DISGUST FRIENDS, WHILE I PERFORATE MY BONE BULGE WITH A CULLING FORK. AG: Yessssssss. I'll take it! CG: GET LOST. AG: Anyway, I was just joking a8out wanting to 8e on your team. AG: I'm already on the 8lue team. CG: OH! OH REALLY????? CG: WAIT, LET ME COUNT OUT EIGHT OF THESE THINGS, HOLD ON. ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? CG: THERE, I AM NOW AN ENORMOUS TOOL FOREVER. AG: Yes, Aradia and I have an arrangement. We will 8e co-leaders. AG: (But really I will 8e the leader! Heh heh. Shh! Don't tell anyone!) AG: What do you think, Karkat? Can you take on two dangerous laaaaaaaadies at once? CG: YAWN. AG: Come on! Aren't you a little nervous that I will oppose you? You should 8e! CG: NO YOU'RE JUST A RUN OF THE MILL LITTLE PSYCHO GIRL, A TROLL CAEGAR A DOZEN. CG: I'LL BE TAKING APART THE BLUE TEAM WITH BRUTAL EFFICIENCY, YOU'LL SEE. CG: YOU NEVER PLAYED ONE OF YOUR DUMB GAMES WITH ME SO YOU NEVER HAD THE PRIVILEGE OF SEEING WHAT I CAN DO. CG: ENJOY THE SHOW, SWEETHEART. CG: JUST DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT USING YOUR MIND CONTROL TRICKS ON MY PLAYERS. CG: REMEMBER YOUR TRUCE? AG: Pshhhhhhhh. Those days are far 8ehind me. AG: Anyway, I can't control just any8ody. They've got to 8e impressssssssiona8le. Like you! CG: YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME. AG: Sure I can. I just choose not to. CG: YEAH OK. AG: I find your mind totally unpalata8le to 8rowse. Looking into your 8rain is like pawing through a smelly dumpster. AG: Full of 8roken glass and razor 8lades! AG: And poop. D:::: CG: WHATEVER, DON'T EVEN TRY IT. CG: I'VE GOT THE BETTER SCOURGE SISTER ON MY TEAM AND IF YOU BREAK YOUR TRUCE YOU'LL HAVE TO ANSWER TO HER. CG: THE FUNNY THING IS SHE WAS ALWAYS WAY BETTER THAN YOU EVEN WITHOUT ANY POWERS. CG: YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, I KNOW YOUR WHOLE STORY. CG: YOU WERE ALWAYS JEALOUS SHE COULD MANIPULATE PEOPLE SO WELL WITHOUT RESORTING TO CHEAP MIND TRICKS. CG: HAHA, I CAN TELL THIS BURNS YOU AND I CAN'T EVEN PAW THROUGH YOUR DUMPSTER! CG: CHALK IT UP AS ANOTHER INFURIATING VICTORY FOR GUTTER BLOOD OVER ARISTOCRACY. CG: OH WHAT'S THAT, NOTHING TO SAY? CG: WOW SPEECHLESS I GUESS. YOU'RE PROBABLY CRYING RIGHT NOW. THAT WOULD MAKE MY FUCKING DAY. CG: HEY LOOK AT ME BEING THE ONE TO TALK SHIT AT WARP SPEED THEN LOG OFF BEFORE YOU CAN REPLY. CG: BYE, IDIOT.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]
AG: Oh, 8ack so soon! Did your thum8 slip on the 8utton???????? AG: I guess you can't get enough of me. AG: ::::) CG: YOU MADE ME DO THAT. CG: AND YOU KNOW IT. AG: You 8n't got nothing on me and you can't prove shit!!!!!!!! AG: Anyway, Karkat, I just wanted to say. AG: <3
You revisit the remains of your quaint rural hive. Your lawnring and the small excavation sites you dug up for practice are all overgrown with vegetation.
You haven't been here since the night of the accident. On that night you found your CALLING. The voices of the dead grew louder, urging you to return to the ruins you discovered not long before. You left so abruptly, you didn't even have time to bury your lusus.
But that's fine, because trolls don't typically bury their dead. Leaving bodies to be consumed by wild animals is more customary.
You have an arrangement to begin the session as co-leader with one of the blue bloods. You understand this player intends to make a power grab, and take sole possession of the leadership role. Such subterfuge is typical of their caste. But you're perfectly ok with this. It's one of the many things you're ok with.
You allow your co-player to take the lead and enter the Medium first. You understand that the leadership role is essentially meaningless, aside from offering the distinction of being the first player to enter. You also understand that entering the game second was always your intention.
Prototyping with the frog head before entering the Medium would prove to be critical for later success. Just another of many assurances whispered by the dead. You've long since stopped questioning them, or doubting the future significance of even spontaneous acts of frivolous desecration.
Compelling your nonplussed server player to perform this task might have proven difficult. Luckily your telekinesis, an ability greatly magnified through your CALLING, would be sufficient to move the massive object, whereas the game cursor likely would not.
Your server player simply watched in mystification.
You enter the Medium, taking your place in the LAND OF QUARTZ AND MELODY as the MAID OF TIME.
Meanwhile, your client player has been exploring another world. The blue blood has a present for you. The present cannot be duplicated via alchemy at this stage of the game. It would cost too much grist, a detail which this player had not been aware of. The player would have to progress to the second gate of their own world, arrive through the gate above your hive, and deliver it in person.
Facilitating this delivery was one of the reasons why it was important for you to enter second.
Your server player's confusion is only in part due to learning the ropes of a new game. There is a more significant reason for her befuddlement.
While she followed your advice and went through the simple motions of game setup, at no point were you visible on her monitor. She saw your damaged hive. She saw the alchemiter and other devices she deployed. She saw the strange computing device on the floor, bearing the visage of a species she didn't recognize. She even saw a great big stone frog head fly through the air all by itself, and become the Frogsprite.
And though she would ask why, and you would always delay the answer, the fact remained.
|PESTERLOG|
arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
AC: :33 < aradia i can s33 you! AC: :33 < that is you right AA: yes AC: :33 < why are you the floating frog all of a sudden? AA: im dead AA: my spirit merged with the fr0gsprite AC: :33 < wow AC: :33 < dead AC: :33 < really? AA: like a gh0st AC: :33 < huh AC: :33 < well i hope this doesnt make me sound dumb AC: :33 < but i am completely blown away by that stunning revelation! AA: y0u d0nt s0und dumb AC: :33 < whew! :33 AC: :33 < how did you die? AA: i ign0red the advice 0f a friend AA: and made s0me bad ch0ices AC: :33 < *ac rumples up her nose in purrplexment at aa's really vague and spooky answer* AC: :33 < but actually thats good because i kind of think i dont want to know AC: :33 < its making me sad to think about :(( AA: 0k AA: nepeta can y0u please keep this a secret AC: :33 < yes i purrmise i wont tell anyone about it AC: :33 < and by purrmise i mean promise just so you know im serious! AA: thank y0u AA: ribbit AA: wh00ps AC: :33 < h33 h33 h33!!!
You are a master of EXTREME ROLE PLAYING. You can't get enough of it, or really any game of high stakes and chance. You have persisted with the habit even in spite of your ACCIDENT. But then again, you don't have much choice.
Your lusus is VERY HUNGRY, ALL THE TIME. She can only be appeased by the FLESH OF YOUNG TROLLS. You cloud campaigns for teams of Flarpers, utilizing your abilities for ORCHESTRATING THE DEMISE OF THE IMPRESSSSSSSSIONA8LE. Your victories supply you with treasure, experience points, and SPIDER FOOD.
You are something of an APOCALYPSE BUFF, which is something you can be on Alternia. You are fascinated by end of the world scenarios, and enjoy constructing DOOMSDAY DEVICES for the hell of it. You are drawn to means of DARK PROGNOSTICATION and the advantages they offer, particularly in gaming scenarios. Your abilities in this department were hobbled with the loss of your VISION EIGHTFOLD, and you have since sought alternatives through various BLACK ORACLES. You consult with these ominous globes, but routinely destroy them in frustration over the PUZZLING GUARANTEED INACCURACY of their predictions. Breaking them has developed into a habit BORDERING ON FETISHISTIC, and with each you destroy, you add to an insurmountable stockpile of TERRIBLE LUCK. You have to stop. But addiction is a powerful thing.
Your trolltag is arachnidsGrip and your st8ments tend to 8e just a little 8it overdramaaaaaaaatic.
You drew your own role playing character for fun, as many Flarpers are prone to do. She is the best character, and you wish you were her. Oh wait, you are her! Your wish has been granted. Probably as a special boon for being so great at everything.
Her name is Marquise Spinneret Mindfang, scourge of land dwellers and sea dwellers alike, and worst nightmare to silly BOY-SKYLARKS everywhere. She has accumulated more treasure and gained more levels than any member of the PETTICOAT SEAGRIFT class ever. She gained all the levels. All of them.
You have a lot to do. So many irons in the fire OW!
Lousy dice. You just can't ever seem to go anywhere in your hive without stepping on an errant D4. Pointy little bastards.
It's just your bad luck, you guess. You've had such terrible luck ever since your accident. And it just keeps getting worse. As far as you're concerned, the world can't end soon enough.
You equip your enchanted dice set, the fabled FLUORITE OCTET.
It consists of eight D8, plundered from a ghost ship during a particularly challenging campaign. In ancient times such weapons were employed by roving bands of GAMBLIGNANTS, deadly marauders with a passion for chance. They all died off though. Took too many crazy risks.
Rolling the dice will execute a wide range of highly unpredictable attacks. Very high rolls can be devastating to even the most powerful opponents.
Of course with the luck you've had lately, you couldn't make a good roll to save your life. Got to do something about this awful luck.
Gotta catch a br8k!!!!!!!!
When you get worked up about stuff you put 8's in places that don't really make a lot of sense phonetically.
|PESTERLOG|
Hello. AG: Oh my god, why are you talking to me???????? This is the last time we'll ever talk. AG: Still sticking with the white text I see. So smooth and stylish! AG: I forgot how much I loved highlighting it to read all the 8oring things you have to say. AG: It's like a fun game for super extra handicapped retarded people. Like opening a present! Find out what o8noxious thing the mystery tool typed. AG: What is it! A parting courtesy, I suppose. All the ways I've exploited you were meant to bring about the events that will take place this evening. Knowing this will provide context for the events in your near future, and will affect how you behave in response. These events will be just as important as those preceding it. I've gone to great lengths, you see. AG: You didn't exploit me. AG: You are just a petty douche with a 8ad temper who likes to pl8y g8mes, and all I did w8s humor you. I did exploit you, very thoroughly. It was easy. AG: So full of yourself!!!!!!!! Have I ever lost a game? AG: Don't ch8nge the su8ject!!!!!!!! What subject are you referring to? AG: XXXXO AG: I'm going to log off in a 8ig huff and you have to promise not to use that nasty trick where you log me 8ack on out of petty douchey spite! AG: And then we can go 8ack to never ever talking, 8ecause man! That was heaven when it was like th8t!!!!!!!! There's no need for that kind of assurance. I'll be brief. I no longer hold you accountable for any wrongdoing. In fact, I've given your transgression very little thought since the incident. If you acknowledge this amnesty and regard it as sincere, you may begin to find the odds falling in your favor again. This may be essential if you are to succeed on your journey. AG: Mm hmm. Slow down! Man. AG: I am just wearing out so many pens taking all these important notes! Fuuuuuuuuck! AG: Fuck you for ruining all my good note-taking pens and giving me this terri8le cramp in my good note-taking hand!!!!!!!! Incredible, the risks you take with your scorn. But of course it was your unpleasant, simplistic temperament that made you so easy to control. Vicious and predictable, like an insect. If you turn a swarm of wasps on a crowd, the outcome is certain. It takes no skilled strategist to understand this. You were in fact a waste of my talents. A primitive expedient. AG: Blech. What a sno8. You're worse than my meddley meddler meddlefriend. I wonder why they waste their camaraderie on you. I'll never understand it. AG: I thought you said you would 8e 8rief???????? I'll say one last thing. Though the magnitude of the ensuing destruction resulting directly from your actions will be neither possible or necessary for you to fathom, there nevertheless ought to be a silver lining. The only question is whether you will live long enough to see it. I'm not a gambling man. But if I was, I wouldn't bet on it. Goodbye. AG: Zzzzzzzz. 8ye, assh8le.
More hollow comebacks. As hollow and wishywashy as the inside of one of these dumb black globes. What use is all that attitude against a guy who's never wrong? It's so depressing, you can't even work up the energy to smash this stupid thing.
Maybe you could stand to have some camaraderie wasted on you, even if it comes from a meddley meddler meddlefriend.
|PESTERLOG|
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]
AG: Whaaaaaaaat. GA: Just Wanted To Know GA: Is Your Lusus Dead Yet AG: Huh? What kind of question is that! AG: Is this a trick? Are you trying to sa8otage me? Are you in cahoots with someone???????? GA: Uh No AG: Cahoooooooots!!!!!!!! AG: Cahoots I say. GA: You Sure Do Seem To Be Saying Cahoots GA: Im Just Asking GA: Because Mines Dead AG: What? Oh no. AG: How did that happen? GA: It Was Just Her Time AG: Really? Are you sure it wasn't sa8otage? I would suspect sa8otage if I was you. GA: No There Was No Plot Or Conspiracy Or Any Trace Of Saboteurs Operating Through The Special And Magical Union One Can Only Describe As Being In Cahoots With Another GA: When A Virgin Mother Grub Abdicates And Renounces Brooding GA: Her Time Will Be Relatively Short GA: I Always Knew This AG: ::::( AG: She was so cool, you had the coolest lusus of anyone I know. AG: I wanted to meet her some day. GA: Maybe You Still Can AG: Yeah, meet her corpse! I guess that's not so bad a consol8tion prize. AG: Seeing a 8ig dead cool mother gru8. Wow! AG: You were so lucky. My lusus sucks! Haha. AG: Why did you ask if she's dead, anyway? Do you know something???????? GA: They Are All Dying GA: Or Are Going To Soon GA: I Believe Its A Preemptive Consequence Of The Game We Are About To Play GA: If A Preemptive Consequence Is A Concept That Can Be Said To Hold Any Meaning GA: But From What I Understand If It Is Applicable In Any Sphere At All Then This Game Holds That Sphere AG: Okaaaaaaaay, I don't really get that. So you can just go ahead think I'm some dum8 flighty 8road again. GA: I Wasnt Going To Think That GA: You Know What I Dont Think Even I Really Understand What I Just Said So Nevermind AG: Now you have me a little worried. Man! I hope she's ok. AG: Why would this happen? This is just my luck. Have some died 8esides yours???????? AG: And uh, you know who's, I guess. ::::o GA: Yes A Few GA: Karkat Thinks Its His Fault GA: He Believes His Actions Triggered An Inauspicious Chain Reaction AG: You mean a curse? GA: Sure AG: Wow, between his curse and my shitty luck we are so screwed. GA: Im Not Surprised To See You Endorse His Paranoia Without Hesitation GA: But I Was Attempting To Illustrate A Point In Bringing It Up AG: Whew! There goes another one sailing over the idi8t girl's head! Ok, lay it on me. GA: These Events Are Inevitable And Regardless Of Whatever Emotional Entanglements Obfuscate Their Significance They Will Ultimately Serve An Important Purpose GA: The Curse Had Nothing To Do With It GA: And Karkats Notion Of A Curse Is Inseparable From His Perception Of Events As Intrinsically Negative And As Tailored To His Personal Dissatisfaction GA: And Your Bad Luck Is The Same Way GA: I Believe Anyway AG: Uh. Ok. GA: What Would Happen If You Just Cleaned Up A Bit GA: Dont You Think You Would Step On A Few Less Hard Triangles AG: Why do you try to help me and stuff? What's the point! AG: It's kind of bothersome. And insulting sometimes! AG: So I have a messy room. 8ig deal. My luck fucking 8lows! It's got nothing to do with it and you just don't even know. AG: Meddler. Why you so meddley, Miss Meddlesome McFussyfangs???????? GA: Because Youre Dangerous AG: No way! I'm just fine. Why don't you can it. GA: Every Time You Tell Me To Can It I Think Its Funny GA: I Mean Its Just A Funny Thing To Say Dont You Think AG: ::::P GA: Its Ok To Be Dangerous GA: Lots Of People Are GA: And Dangerous People Can Be Really Important GA: Maybe Even The Most Important Sometimes GA: But It Just Means Theres Got To Be Someone Around To Keep An Eye On Them GA: And If Not Me Then Who GA: Everyone Has An Important Job To Do AG: Ok, so you're spying on me. Kind of creepy! Man, m8y8e you should get a l8fe. AG: Or you know, if you're so h8gh 8nd might8 an8 th8nk you're so gr8at, m8y88 you c8uld oh I d8n't kn8w........ AG: TRY AND ST8P ME FROM DO8NG B8D THINGS???????? GA: That Wouldnt Work GA: If I Tried To Stop You You Would Regard Me As An Enemy GA: Instead Of Merely As A Nuisance GA: And What Good Would That Do GA: So Im Afraid Mcfussyfangs It Must Be AG: U88888888h! AG: Ok, gr8. Fine! I'm going to check on my lusus now. AG: 8ut I'm starting to think you are full of shit, and I am quite sure she will 8e QU8TE FIN8! GA: Youre Right Anything Can Happen I Guess GA: But Just So You Know Im Sorry For Your Loss In Advance
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]
AG: Aaaaaaaah! AG: Man, why d8dn't I just get th8 last w8rd and sign off real qu8ck like I usu8lly do???????? AG: Let you sne8k th8t stink8n' littl8 ninja quip in th8r8. Ah! So m8d. AG: Lousy st8pid godd8mn supportive fri8nd!
You go down the like fifty million stairs to her nest below. You wonder if any other kid on the planet has such a high maintenance lusus? You DOUBT it.
You pass by one of your completed doomsday devices. You promised you'd build it for an especially powerful and influential member of the nautical aristocracy, in return for his collusion during your campaigns. Some guy you were in cahoots with! You guess none of it matter now though.
It was tough to build, and isn't perfect yet. Luckily one of your pals nearby is pretty handy with technology. He can be tapped for parts and favors frequently.
You wonder if any other kid on the planet has as many irons in the fire as you.
You are so strong, you would surely be the class of the elite legion of RUFFIANNIHILATORS. And while such a calling would be quite honorable, you would prefer to join the ranks of the ARCHERADICATORS, perhaps the most noble echelon the imperial forces have to offer. Unfortunately, you SUCK AT ARCHERY. You have not successfully fired a SINGLE ARROW. Every time you try, you BREAK THE BOW. You are simply too strong. You have broken so many bows, it has developed into a habit BORDERING ON FETISHISTIC. You have to stop. But addiction is a powerful thing.
You have a great appreciation for THE FINE ARTS. You use your aristocratic connections to acquire PRICELESS MASTERPIECES, painted in the oldest and most respected Alternian tradition of NUDE MUSCLEBEAST PORTRAITS. These striking depictions of the EXQUISITE FAUNA native to Alternia remind you of the PUREST PHYSICAL IDEAL that must be sought by anyone who professes a LOVE OF STRENGTH. When those of lesser bloodlines turn up their uncultured noses at such stunning material, it MAKES YOU FURIOUS.
Practically everything MAKES YOU FURIOUS. You have so much rage, it can only be expressed through STAGGERING QUANTITIES OF PHYSICAL VIOLENCE. You build strong and sturdy robots, set them to kill mode, and BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THEM in caged brawls. Sometimes you LOSE TEETH. But they usually grow back.
Your trolltag is centaursTesticle and with your bow and arrow ever at the ready, you D --> Take e%ception to 100d language unbefitting of b100 b100ds
Now where did that craven excuse for a custodian go. It makes you furious when he goes missing like this. Probably off somewhere nursing his bruises. You swear, the old boy is made of glass. You are starting to get agitated.
Actually it isn't. You like to think that though. The truth is you're really strong because you're kind of a freak. You were chosen by one of the strongest lusus species on the planet. It was the only sort of custodian that could handle raising you.
CT: D --> YesAC: :33 < noCT: D --> YesAC: :33 < noCT: D --> YesAC: :33 < noCT: D --> YesAC: :33 < noCT: D --> YesAC: :33 < noCT: D --> YesAC: :33 < noCT: D --> YesAC: :33 < no
But when all was said and done, you are quite sure you convinced your good friend to stay on the right team. Not the team full of degenerates with swill coursing through their veins. You're starting to get worked up again.
Routine helps calm you down. Maybe you will talk to another friend. You talk to him every day for some reason. Though it's not exactly right to call him a friend, since you despise him. Your relationship with the fellow is difficult to describe.
It should be noted that in troll language, the word for friend is exactly the same as the word for enemy.
|PESTERLOG|
centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]
CT: D --> Have I ever told you what a reprehensible disgrace you are TC: hAhA, fUcK yEaH, oNlY eVeRy MoThErFuCkIn DaY bRo! CT: D --> I'm not in a very good mood CT: D --> There are a few things I'd like to get off my chest TC: MoThErFuCkIn SpIlL iT, dOn'T bE aLl KeEpIn ThAt ShIt BoTtLeD uP TC: lIkE a FuCkIn AlL sHaKeD uP bOtTlE oF fAyGo. TC: FuCk DoGg I'm ThIrStY. TC: i'M dOwN tO mY lAsT bOtTlE aNd I dOn'T fUcKiN kNoW iF i CaN gEt AnYmOrE iN tHiS mOtHeRfUcKiN mAgIc LaNd So I dOn'T kNoW. CT: D --> What you do appear to know is e%actly how to ma%imize my livid contempt for you CT: D --> With your revolting language and your sense of decorum CT: D --> At such breathtaking odds with the richness and perfe%ion of your b100d CT: D --> I just hate you so much TC: ThAt'S cOoL, i CaN't AlL bE mAkInG nOt EvErYbOdY hApPy AlL tHe TiMe. TC: iF wE eVeR mEt I cOuLd BaKe YoU a FuCkIn PiE aNd We CoUlD cHiLl AnD mAyBe We'D bE bEtTeR bRoS tHaT wAy. CT: D --> And the degrees to which you pollute your precious b100d CT: D --> With your bottled fizzy sugar and soporific to%ins CT: D --> Maddening CT: D --> You will stop TC: WhOaAaA, i WiLl? TC: hOw Do YoU kNoW tHaT? CT: D --> No, you don't understand CT: D --> It's not a predi%ion, it's an order CT: D --> I command you to stop TC: Oh, AlRiGhT bRoThEr. TC: yOu MoThErFuCkIn GoT iT. CT: D --> What CT: D --> Are you serious TC: yEaH. TC: I mEaN, yOu GoT tO sHoW sOmE fAiTh In YoUr FrIeNdS, cAuSe ThEy'Re AlL tHe OnEs WhO'rE bEiNg To LoOk OuT fOr YoU. TC: sO fUcK iF yOu SaY i'M nOt DoInG tHe ShIt RiGhT, tHeN wHaT tHe MoThErFuCk Do I kNoW! CT: D --> No CT: D --> This is una%eptable CT: D --> Ok, let's start over CT: D --> I apologize CT: D --> I was completely out of of line, and I'm sorry CT: D --> I have no right to talk to you like that, or tell you what you can't do TC: aWw, No WoRrIeS! CT: D --> It's not my place CT: D --> Your habits notwithstanding, I am lesser than you CT: D --> An inferior TC: hAhAhA. oK. CT: D --> Don't you understand that you're better than me CT: D --> Can you please act like it CT: D --> That's not a command, it's just a polite request I guess TC: oK, i CaN tRy, BuT mAn I dOn'T kNoW iF i KnOw HoW tO bE lIkE a BeTtEr MoThErFuCkEr ThAn AnY oThEr MoThErFuCkEr. CT: D --> 100k, it isn't that difficult CT: D --> Try to be cognizant of your desires and needs CT: D --> And attempt to regard those around you as simple vehicles meant to bring about your gratification TC: WoW, wHaT? CT: D --> What are you doing TC: uHhHhHh. CT: D --> Right now CT: D --> It sounds as if you have begun playing with the red team CT: D --> Is this true TC: yEaH! TC: fUcK yEaH. i'M aLl Up In ThE fUcKiN sHiT oF tHiS wIcKeD mYsTiCaL mOtHeRfUcKeR. TC: i BoNkEd An ImP oN tHe HeAd WiTh A cLuB. TC: AnD tHeN a LiTtLe LaTeR i ScArEd OnE wItH a HoRn. TC: :o) CT: D --> Good CT: D --> This is very good CT: D --> It really pleases me to hear tales of physical subjugation CT: D --> I presume these were lesser beings, toiling in the lower ranks of some hierarchy TC: wElL yEaH, tHeY'rE uNdErLiNgS. TC: AnD tHeRe'S SoMe SuBjUgGlAtIoN iNvOlVeD fOr FuCkIn SuRe! TC: bUt NoW wE kInD oF sEtTlEd DoWn AnD mE aNd ThE iMpS aRe ShArInG sOmE pIe TC: tHeSe MoThErFuCkErS aRe PrEtTy DoPe AcTuAlLy, I lIkE tHeM. CT: D --> Ok CT: D --> It pleases me considerably less to hear things like that CT: D --> But I've already stated I have no right to be disappointed by your conduct, so I will try to control myself TC: aW sHiT bRo, I dOn'T wAnT tO bE aLl LiKe To DiSaPpOiNt YoU! TC: WhAt CaN i Do To MaKe A bRoThEr FuCkIn ShApE hIs ShIt Up? TC: iF i CoUlD mAkE yOu SmIlE iT'd Be ThE bEsT fUcKiN mIrAcLe I eVeR dId PaRt Of. TC: hOnK hOnK hOnK! :o) CT: D --> Hmm CT: D --> Would it be too much to ask CT: D --> For you to maybe CT: D --> Boss me around a little TC: UuUhHhHhH. TC: yOu MeAn LiKe RoLe PlAyInG? CT: D --> If it would help to couch it in those terms CT: D --> Then yeah, I guess so CT: D --> But not the especially juvenile kind CT: D --> Let's keep it serious and professional TC: i'Ll TrY, bUt I'm NoT mUcH fUcKiN aNy GoOd At It I tHiNk. CT: D --> Just CT: D --> Say anything CT: D --> As long as it's authoritative TC: oK. TC: uH, hEy YoU, dOn'T gO nEaR tHe MoThErFuCkIn OcEaN, cAuSe I aLl ToLd YoU nOt To A bUnCh Of TiMeS! TC: ShIt Is StRaIgHt Up DaNgErOuS, aNd I'm GeTtInG mY hArSh On AbOuT iT. CT: D --> Hmm CT: D --> Decent CT: D --> I don't live near the ocean though, so it's hard to immerse myself in the scenario TC: aLrIgHt, WeLl, WhAt ArEn'T yOu AlL nOt SuPpOsEd To Do? TC: WhAt KiNd Of MiScHiEf Do YoU gEt YoUr BaD fUcKiN sElF uP tO? CT: D --> I do so many bad things CT: D --> Just awful things CT: D --> I'm incredibly impudent and a superior needs to put me in my place TC: uMmMm, Ok WeLl. TC: DoN't Be DoIn AlL tHoSe BaD fUcKiN tHiNgS bRo! CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> Yes, that's good CT: D --> Like that TC: cUt ThAt ShIt OuT, i'M sO aLl MeAnInG tHiS! hAhAhA. CT: D --> E%cellent CT: D --> Now tell me this, highb100d CT: D --> I've been roughhousing a little too hard lately CT: D --> I've made a bit of a mess and anyone in a position of authority would surely be % about it TC: Uh. TC: %? CT: D --> Cross TC: oHhH. CT: D --> What do you make of it CT: D --> This wretched misbehavior TC: fUcK mAn, I aM sO mOtHeRfUcKiN sAlTy AbOuT aLl ThAt BuSiNeSs YoU sAiD! TC: FuUuUuCk, Im LiKe AlL mOvInG mY mOuTh AnD tHe WiCkEd NoIsE iS cOmInG oUt In ThE fRoNtIeSt WaY pOsSiBlE. TC: aNd It'S gOiNg At YoUr DiReCtIoN, cAuSe ThAt'S tHe DiReCtIoN tO fUcKiN bE aNgRy At! CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> So good CT: D --> I am presently whipped into a state of contrition CT: D --> One befitting of our class disparity CT: D --> But I'm starting to perspire again so it's best that we stop CT: D --> Thank you for indulging me TC: hAhA, nO pRoBlEm BrO. TC: It'S cOoL wE cOuLd AlL uP aNd MoThErFuCkIn OpEn Up A lItTlE bIt WiTh EaCh OtHeR. TC: lIkE bRoS. TC: If ThErE's StUfF yOu WaNt To GeT oFf YoUr ChEsT dUdE, lIkE i SaId I'm FuCkIn HeRe FoR a MoThErFuCkEr. TC: kInD oF lIkE a MiRaClE, hOw It'S aLwAyS tHeRe. TC: It NeVeR gOeS aWaY, yOu KnOw? CT: D --> No CT: D --> But I comprehend the sentiment CT: D --> I have lots of thoughts, but they're difficult to communicate CT: D --> If you'll listen TC: sUrE! :oD CT: D --> Honestly I'm confused by the social order TC: mAn, Me ToO. i DoN't KnOw WhAt Of FuCkIn WhAt CoLoR iS wHaT, sO i DoN't BoThEr WiTh ThInKiN oN tHaT mOtHeRfUcKeR. CT: D --> See, that's what I mean CT: D --> How is it possible for one of your distin%ion to be so ignorant CT: D --> And loathesome CT: D --> Whereas CT: D --> A member of the most abject, verminous b100dline of all CT: D --> Can conduct herself with such grace and possess nothing but admirable mannerisms CT: D --> I find these striking ju%tapositions perple%ing, and I confess strangely into%icating CT: D --> I wonder if I have gone mad CT: D --> To form such a pact with her TC: WoW, i GoT nO fUcKiN cLuE wHaT yOu'Re TaLkInG aBoUt TC: wHo Is ShE? CT: D --> I shouldn't be talking about this CT: D --> You're the enemy
|PESTERLOG|
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT]
AG: Equiiiiiiiiuuuuuuuus. CT: D --> What AG: Hey! I'm a8out to meddle with so many losers right now. CT: D --> How many AG: So many! All the losers. All of them. CT: D --> Good CT: D --> Use your cunning and venom to make them envy our nobility AG: Oh man, was that sarcasm? That sounded like sarcasm! CT: D --> No CT: D --> Humorous insincerity is for pedantic wigglers AG: Pshhhhhhhh, I know! I know you never make jokes. I was the one 8eing sarcastic, you stooge! AG: I was 8eing sarcastic a8out you 8eing sarcastic. Duh. CT: D --> That's because you're a little worse than me AG: The fuck I am! Anyway. Hey! AG: Did you finish Aradia's present yet? I'm a8out to fuss with her and I want to know if I can keep my promise or if you're gonna make a liar out of me. CT: D --> It's finished CT: D --> I'll deliver it shortly AG: Great! Thanks, 8uddy. I'll 8e w8ting here for you. CT: D --> I'm happy to help CT: D --> But I don't understand why you're intent on gratifying that worthless peasant AG: 8ecause I promised I would and it's none of your damn 8usiness! Man. AG: Quit your prying! Always fidgeting and poking and prying. CT: D --> Fine CT: D --> Then let's proceed with the plan in a curt and professional manner AG: Agreeeeeeeed. AG: So just to review! AG: We will let Aradia perpetr8 her cute little ploy on Sollux and usurp his power. CT: D --> Yes AG: Isn't it funny when these chumps try to get all tactical and underhanded? It's really adora8le! CT: D --> I guess it is pretty quaint AG: Anyway. She makes her little powergra8, and that's when we 8oth step in and usurp her as co-leaders. AG: Right???????? CT: D --> That's the plan AG: Ok, good. Then the 8est team will 8e led 8y the two highest 8loods, the way it should 8e! AG: Or at least, the highest 8loods who aren't shitty clown worshippers or under water freaks. Sound good? CT: D --> Yes, we're in absolute agreement AG: Yes. CT: D --> Yes AG: Yes. CT: D --> Yes AG: Yeeeeeeees!!!!!!!! CT: D --> Stop AG: Gr8! What a gr8 team we are. AG: Heeeeeeeey........ AG: You wouldn't 8e planning anything sneaky, would you???????? CT: D --> No, don't be absurd CT: D --> Are you AG: What! How could you suggest such a thing! Man, so insulting. CT: D --> Ok AG: Perfect. We have the perfect plan, and no one is plotting any sort of dou8lecrossings or 8acksta88ery or anything like that. CT: D --> There are no %%ings up my sleeve CT: D --> Also, I don't have sleeves CT: D --> I am as transparent as can be, and my word is my bond AG: I know! Don't worry, dude. I trust you completely. CT: D --> You know CT: D --> I can feel you trying to read my mind AG: 8ullshit! AG: Pro8a8ly just another one of your many daily rage aneurysms. AG: Why don't you cool your jets and have a glass of gross muscle8east milk???????? CT: D --> Get out of my head, it's making me angry CT: D --> Try to remember who built your arm for you AG: Oh g8d! AG: D8n't you d8re!!!!!!!!
You delve deeper into your hive where you store many of your robotic projects. The lair doubles as the caged arena where you battle them.
Under the tarp is the completed gift. You of course have no intention of delivering this to your neighbor as promised. You naturally will doublecross your accomplice, just as you assume she has plans to doublecross you. You assume she is assuming the same of you. Business as usual for blue bloods.
You will deliver it to Aradia yourself to gain her favor, and then doublecross her and take your rightful position as team leader. How ironic that someone of your blood purity must work to win the favor of the lowest sort of peasant. Humiliating. Strangely titillating, even. But in the end, class order will be restored.
You reveal her sparkling new chassis. You have paid a great deal of attention to quality and detail in this model. She is perfect.
You don't know what to make of the feelings she stirs. For one like you to entertain thoughts of attraction for such genetic filth would be utter depravity.
Why, Aradia. It appears the red glass of your eye has caught the pink and green glint of the moons in their perigees. The sweet poetry almost makes a man forget how the grime that once filled your veins made his stomach turn. It is a good omen for illicit lovers. Could you imagine the scandal if anyone found out?? No one must ever know.
But worry not. Your heart will pump no more of that despicable red sludge. You have been given a new heart. You can be taught the ways of the class you were always meant for. No one is beyond redemption.
Be grateful, dear Aradia. For the first time in your meaningless life you have met a man with true compassion.
And just what do you think YOU'RE looking at??? Keep your cold, mechanical judgment to yourself. As if your own record is so spotless! Don't forget who made you. Oh, what's that? My, that is a smart mouth you have. That was the last straw. An example must be made of this insubordination.
|PESTERLOG|
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]
AG: It looks like tonight we will have to 8reak our truce. Or at least suspend it. Hope you don't mind! GC: HOW DO YOU F1GUR3 TH4T AG: Because tonight we will play a game together. For the first time in I don't even know. Forever! GC: TH3 TRUC3 W4SNT 4BOUT NOT PL4Y1NG G4M3S TOG3TH3R DUMMY GC: 1T W4S 4BOUT NOT ST4BB1NG 34CH OTH3R 1N TH3 B4CK 4NYMOR3 GC: 4ND STOPP1NG TH3 3NDL3SS CYCL3 OF R3V3NG3 GC: 4ND 4BOV3 4LL NOT US1NG YOUR POW3RS TO HURT P3OPL3 WHO DONT D3S3RV3 1T! AG: Man, you like to give me such a hard time a8out all that. I can't catch a 8reak! AG: Can't you see I'm trying to put all that 8ehind me and make amends with every8ody? AG: No, of course you can't see that. What am I saying! GC: 1T'S H4RD TO B3L13V3 YOU W1TH 4LL TH3 LY1NG YOUV3 DON3 GC: YOUR BLU3B3RRY BUBBL3GUM WORDS ST1LL SM3LL PR3TTY GOOD BUT YOUR D3C31T ST1NKS! >8O AG: ::::( AG: I'll prove it to you. I'm giving Aradia a present that will make her feel all 8etter finally. AG: Then I'll 8e in the clear. Phew! Totally redeemed. You'll see. I mean smell. GC: 1 DONT KNOW WHY YOUR3 BOTH3R1NG TRY1NG TO H3LP H3R GC: SH3 WONT C4R3 GC: WH4T3V3R 1T W4S YOU D1D TO H3R 1 TH1NK YOU BROK3 H3R BR41N GC: 1TS SO T3RR1BL3 AG: Man, why can't you cut me some slack for once???????? AG: It's not like I even did anything that 8ad to you. AG: I lost seven eyes 8ut you only lost two! I would say you came out ahead in the 8argain. GC: 1 KNOW GC: 4ND 4CTU4LLY GC: 1 N3V3R R34LLY GOT TH3 CH4NC3 TO TH4NK YOU >:D AG: Ugh! Your sarcasm really stings when here I am just trying to 8e nice. Ok, I guess I deserve it. GC: 1M S3R1OUS THOUGH GC: BUT 1 DONT 3XP3CT YOU TO G3T TH4T AG: Aaaaaaaah! AG: Fine, 8e that way. But you shouldn't sit there and pretend we're so different. AG: Remem8er Team Scourge? How convenient all that must 8e to have forgotten! You were so nasty. AG: Oh man, if you crossed Terezi Pyrope you were fucked!!!!!!!! GC: Y34H 1F YOU W3R3 4 B4D GUY GC: W3 W3R3 SUPPOS3D TO B3 L1K3 4 V1G1L4NT3 DUO D1SP3NS1NG JUST1C3 GC: 4ND YOU COULD T4K3 TH3 B4D GUYS HOM3 4ND F33D TH3M TO YOUR STUP1D SP1D3R GC: BUT 1NST34D YOU JUST F3D H3R 3V3RYBODY! GC: 4ND L13D 4ND L13D 4ND L13D AG: Yeah, those were the days. AG: I mean, days full of mist8kes and r8gret! AG: But it was still a lot of fun. Watching you dismantle huge teams of Flarpers with nothing 8ut politics and head games. AG: Without even using any special powers! Wow. GC: M3H AG: Come oooooooon! AG: What do I have to do here? GC: 1 DUNNO AG: Well if you want to know what I think, you should start changing your tune. AG: Cause even though you got all these highfalutin morals and fancy reserv8tions, you know as well as me that a killer is a killer is a killer! AG: There 8n't no ch8nging your ways for good, and one d8y you're going to flail that silly l8ttle cane of yours and not find n8thin to 8ump into, and fall f8ce first into the shit ag8in. AG: And you're going to do something t8rri8le to some8ody and wish you could t8ke it 8ack 8ut you c8n't!!!!!!!! AG: And then you'll work hard to win 8ack their trust, and you'll try and try and tr8, and you'll see how hard it is! AG: You'll seeeeeeee! GC: 1 DOUBT 1T AG: You'll see. AG: I am whispering that and it is echoing and ominous. AG: You'll seeeeeeee........ AG: You'll seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee AG: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee........ GC: OH W1LL YOU C4N 1T S3RK3T! AG: Hahahahahahahaha.
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]
AG: Whoa, what was that???????? GC: WH4T W4S WH4T AG: There was a loud noise outside my hive! AG: It sounded like an explosion. GC: WOW R34LLY AG: And then another one! AG: And now something that sounds like an avalanche!!!!!!!! GC: W3LL 1F 1 H4D TO GU3SS GC: 1 WOULD S4Y GC: 1T W4S PROB4BLY TWO 3XPLOS1ONS 4ND TH3N 4N 4V4L4NCH3 AG: That dum8ass is probably punching ro8ots again. AG: I will go outside and look. GC: OK GC: TRY NOT TO G3T BURN3D OR CRUSH3D TO D34TH OR 4NYTH1NG TH4T WOULD B3 4WFUL AG: You got it! ::::::::)
|PESTERLOG|
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
GC: HOW 1S H3 AA: 0k AA: he cant walk th0ugh AA: pr0bably never will GC: >:[ GC: M4YB3 H3 COULD B3 F1X3D GC: W1TH ROBO PROSTH3T1CS GC: 1F YOU D1DNT M1ND G3TT1NG H3LP FROM... GC: UH >:\ AA: n0! AA: neither he 0r i sh0uld have ever had anything t0 d0 with th0se hateful sn0bs AA: it was a big mistake AA: n0 0ffense 0_0 GC: TH4TS OK GC: 1M 4 L1TTL3 TOO T34L FOR TH31R T4ST3S 4NYW4Y >:] AA: i d0nt see why theyd lift a finger t0 help him AA: they hate us b0th s0 much AA: im s0 mad! GC: 1 HOP3 YOUR3 NOT TH1NK1NG OF DO1NG 4NYTH1NG 1N R3T4L14T1ON GC: 1TLL 3ND B4DLY GC: YOU SHOULD L3T M3 H4NDL3 1T AA: im n0t scared 0f her AA: she cant c0ntr0l me AA: shes tried it d0esnt w0rk GC: 1 KNOW GC: BUT TRUST M3 1F YOU P1SS H3R OFF SH3LL F1ND 4 W4Y TO G3T YOU GC: TH1S 1S R34LLY TR1CKY JUST L3T M3 D34L W1TH 1T AA: but it was my fault AA: i was distracted when i c0uld have helped him GC: 1 W4S TOO GC: W3 W3R3 BOTH D1STR4CT3D BY TH3 S4M3 TH1NG AA: yeah AA: wh0 was he anyway GC: PR3TTY SUR3 1T WAS VR1SKAS FR13ND AA: what was he d0ing there AA: watching us GC: WHO KNOWS GC: H3S NOT R34LLY H3R FR13ND THOUGH GC: YOU SHOULD S33 HOW H3 T4LKS 4BOUT H3R B3H1ND H3R B4CK GC: SH3 H4S NO 1D34 HOW B4D H3S PL4Y1NG H3R GC: BUT TH3N 1 DONT TH1NK H3 KNOWS HOW B4D SH3S PL4Y1NG H1M 31TH3R GC: S33 1TS COMPL1C4T3D GC: YOU R34LLY N33D TO ST4Y OUT OF 1T 4ND L3T M3 D34L W1TH TH1S AA: i guess s0 AA: i feel p0werless sitting here d0ing n0thing th0ugh AA: its like she wins even if y0u get her back! GC: DONT TH1NK OF 1T TH4T W4Y GC: 1 KNOW HOW TO STOP H3R GC: TRUST M3 AA: i guess 0ur gaming days are 0ver then AA: us f0ur at least GC: Y3P GC: 1M PR3TTY MUCH DON3 W1TH H3R
|PESTERLOG|
Well? AG: Well what! I am surrounded 8y ghosts and kind of fre8king out a8out it! I know. I'm asking what you intend to do about it. AG: I don't know, I guess I will just curl into a little 8all and cry and hope they go aw8y! AG: Is that what you want to hear you sick f8ck???????? Aren't you going to kill her? AG: Who???????? Your friend. The one who summoned the spirits. AG: Will that make them go away? Does it matter? She brought them here to torment you. This obviously warrants revenge. You know you're going to anyway. You won't be able to help yourself. AG: I don't have to do shit! AG: May8e I don't mind ghosts. May8e they'll 8e gr8 company once I get used to them! No, they are terrifying you. There's only one thing to do. AG: Ok, so why don't YOU kill her! 8e my guest! Wow, thanks for offering. Wh8t a pal! That's not how I work. AG: Oh really, well you seemed pretty excited a8out killing Tavros too. AG: And you even helped! So I guess that is how you work after all. Not really. All I did was stand somewhere for a few minutes. I just gave you an opportunity to do something you wanted to do anyway. You hated him, remember? AG: I know I did! I still do, I guess. I dunno. AG: 8ut I was never gonna kill these people. They were like, off limits I guess? AG: These games were just supposed to 8e fun and serve no other purpose! They were serving a very important purpose. AG: Yeah ok, you getting off on talking a girl into killing her 8uddies sure is important! AG: Los8r. Again, I didn't talk you into anything, nor am I doing so now. You were, and are, going to do this regardless. I only ever place myself into positions of tangential involvement with events that will bring about my employer's entry into this universe. I oversee the events as they take place, and ever so slightly nudge them into motion when necessary. AG: I'm 8eginning to think you really 8elieve that! So delusion8l. You're just a path8tic, lonely gamer who 8uys into his own character profile 8S. The omniscient have no need for beliefs and no room for delusion. AG: Hahahahahahahaha! AG: You're the dum8est omniscient person I ever met. AG: Sure you know a lot, 8ut I know for a FACT there's stuff you don't know. That's true. But the gaps in my knowledge exist by design. They are the pillars of shadow on which my comprehensive vision is built. Necessary pockets of void meant to effectuate outcomes I've foreseen and which will require my influence. Each dark pocket, in time, will be filled. But I wonder why I waste this nuance on you. AG: 8ecause you need to add more 8l8tant lies to patch up all the holes in your sad cover story. I don't lie. Deception is only necessary for those like you to achieve their objectives. I play with my cards face up. Isn't it funny how during our various matches, I can tell you what my moves will be in advance, and still win? AG: ::::P AG: Yeah, 8ut I'm getting closer to 8eating you. You'll see. Look at that. The short amount of time I have reserved for arguing with a child has expired. I will go. But maybe you're right. Maybe you are a person with free will and you won't kill your friend. What do I know? Enjoy your haunting.
|PESTERLOG|
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
AG: Araaaaaaaadiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaa. AA: what AG: Nice trick! With the ghosts and all. Man, you got me pretty good. AA: id rather n0t talk t0 y0u AG: Fair enough! AG: Just wanted to say I'm sorry, that's all. AA: im n0t the 0ne y0u sh0uld ap0l0gize t0 AG: Yeah I know. I'll make it up to him some day. Don't worry! AG: Anyway, hey guess what? AG: I've got a message for you from your 8oyfriend. AG: He's outside your hive right now! AA: n0t falling f0r it AG: Take a look. AA: i d0nt see anything 0ut there AG: Well ok, I'm just the messenger. If you want to risk missing him then suit yourself. AG: L8er!!!!!!!!
You try to be the white text guy, but fail to be the white text guy. No one can be the white text guy except for the white text guy.
The white text guy is known as Doc Scratch.
He is an officer of an indestructible demon known as L<.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/o.gif" border="0" />rd English. His job is to pave the way for the arrival of his master, who will be summoned upon the termination of the universe. He has worked at this task for many centuries, and will continue to do so until THE GREAT UNDOING.
Scratch is Alternia's FIRST GUARDIAN. Every planet destined for intelligent life has such an entity meant to protect it, and facilitate the planet's ultimate purpose. A first guardian is typically almost as old as the planet itself, and each has a unique, circuitous origin through the knots of paradox space. They can be born into a great diversity of forms, though they all share a common, especially potent genetic sequence. The code grants them near omnipotence, and when merged with a host of great intelligence, near omniscience as well.
What's he up to now? Hard to say since we're not telling him what to do. Guardians can never be told what to do. Neither the omnipotent kind, nor the ordinary kind who raise kids in houses. It's a universal law of reality.
Looks like he's pondering over his next move in a game he is playing with some wicked troll girl down on the planet. Usually these matches are no contest, but she has been getting closer to beating him lately, and he has no idea how this is possible.
Uncertainty, though rare, is quite a troubling sensation for the omniscient.
What's this? It appears someone is contacting him. More bothersome uncertainty. How is it this youngster is able to relay an unsolicited message? He doesn't even have an account name.
|PESTERLOG|
GC: H3Y WH1T3 T3XT GUY GC: 1 H4V3 4 T1P FOR YOU How were you able to contact me? Never mind, I figured it out instantly. GC: R34LLY? Yes, through my limitless intellect. Occasionally I discover there are things I have not always known. It gives me the opportunity to make deductions, which are practically always flawless. It's gratifying. GC: UH OK GC: TH4TS N34T 1 GU3SS You asked your clever friend with the colorful spectacles to trace the source of my messages. He then established a relay for your messages to reach this source through some sort of computational proxy. I gather he has recovered from his implementation as a weapon in the sabotage of your mutual friend, whom you both believe to be dead. GC: OH MY GOD WH1T3 T3XT GUY! GC: SHUT UP! >:O GC: 1M TRY1NG TO G1V3 YOU 4 M3SS4G3 H3R3 I have a name. It is not White Text Guy. GC: OH WHAT 1S 1T I'm not going to tell you my name. But if you wish, you may refer to me as Mr. Vanilla Milkshake. GC: YOU 4R3 SO W31RD GC: WHY WOULD 1 DO TH4T It is perfectly in keeping with a habit which you will develop in the future. GC: 1 DOUBT 1T Why? GC: SOUNDS K1ND OF S1LLY 4ND FR1VOLOUS GC: BL4R WHY DO YOU K33P D3R41L1NG M3! GC: YOUR3 R1GHT SOLLUX 1S WORK1NG W1TH M3 4ND W3 H4V3 1MPORT4NT BUS1N3SS FOR YOU TO CONS1D3R GC: W41T GC: YOU S41D W3 B3L13V3 OUR FR13ND 1S D34D GC: 1S SH3 NOT? Yes, I said you believe she is dead. And soon, you will believe she is not. Both statements are true. And yet each exhibits a trace of falsehood. GC: WOW WHY D1D 1 BOTH3R 4SK1NG GC: NO WOND3R SH3 SN4PP3D SH3S GOT TO D34L W1TH YOUR STUP1D R1DDL3S 4LL TH3 T1M3 GC: 4NYW4Y C4N YOU JUST H3LP M3 G3T R3V3NG3 SO W3 C4N C4LL 1T 4 N1GHT Why would I involve myself in your paltry feud beyond the extent I already have? I believe the need to exert such influence has come to an end. GC: B3C4US3 YOULL W4NT TO GC: WH3N YOU H34R WH4T 1 H4V3 TO S4Y I doubt it. GC: H4V3NT YOU WOND3R3D HOW SH3 C4N COM3 CLOS3 TO B34T1NG YOU 1N G4M3S L4T3LY GC: HON3STLY 1M SURPR1S3D YOU H4V3NT D3DUC3D 1T Y3T GC: W1TH YOUR SH1NY WH1T3 SUP3RBR41N It's disturbing. But sometimes that is the nature of these hollows in my perception. It feels a bit like dark water, sloshing about the cavity in my head. What do you know of this? GC: SH3S CH34T1NG GC: SH3 4LW4YS CH34TS 1F SH3 C4N F1ND 4 W4Y GC: L4T3LY SH3S US3D TH3 S4M3 4DV4NT4G3 SH3 US3S 4G41NST M3 WH3N W3 PL4Y G4M3S GC: BUT SH3 TOLD M3 4BOUT 1T GC: SH3 T3LLS M3 LOTS OF STUFF L1K3 TH4T PROB4BLY TO RUB 1T 1N MY F4C3 GC: BUT SH3D N3V3R R1SK T3LL1NG YOU What advantage is this? GC: HOLD ON GC: 1 H4V3 TO T4LK TO YOUR P4RTN3R 1N CR1M3 FOR 4 S3COND >:] I thought you were hers. GC: >:P
|PESTERLOG|
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]
GC: H3Y VR1SK4 GC: 4NYTH1NG TO S4Y AG: Ummmmmmmmm, no? AG: A8out what? GC: 4BOUT K1LL1NG H3R GC: 4FT3R YOU S41D YOU WOULDNT AG: Oh, that? I thought we were done talking a8out it! AG: We concluded I messed up and I'm completely horri8le in every way. AG: I can only feel SO AWFUL, you know. Here, I'm 8anging my head against the desk now. AG: 8ang 8ang 8ang. Are you happy? GC: NOT R34LLY AG: Uuuuuuuugh, what do you want from me???????? GC: 1M NOT SUR3 GC: 1 GU3SS 1M LOOK1NG FOR SOM3 R34SON TO CH4NG3 MY M1ND GC: 1 DONT KNOW WH4T YOU C4N S4Y TH4TLL DO 1T GC: 1 SORT4 HOP3 TH3R3S SOM3TH1NG THOUGH AG: You should lighten up a 8it. May8e even congratul8 me! AG: Wow, great jo8 Vriska! Single handedly taking out Team Charge like that. AG: No more competition from those low class clowns! GC: N4H TH4T W4SNT 1T AG: Ok, well, change your mind a8out what! AG: What are you going to do, Pyrope! GC: 1 W4S PROB4BLY JUST GO1NG TO K1LL YOU AG: Hahahahahahahaha! AG: You mean from your tree? With all your AMAAAAAAAAZING POWERS? AG: Tell me, what sort of powers do tree girls have? Swinging from vines and stuff? GC: MY TR33 DO3SNT H4V3 V1N3S >:[ GC: SOM3T1M3S 1 L3T OTH3R P3OPL3 SW1NG FROM ROP3S THOUGH >:] GC: Y34H 4NYW4Y YOULL B3 D34D 1N 4 COUPL3 M1NUT3S AG: Yeah right!!!!!!!! AG: Complete and total muscle8east shit! GC: 1F YOU DONT B3L13V3 M3 GC: WHY DONT YOU CONSULT W1TH YOUR L1TTL3 4DV4NT4G3 GC: 1T S33MS TO H4V3 4LL TH3 4NSW3RS AG: I don't need to do that to know you're 8luffing. GC: Y34H GC: BUT GC: YOU KNOW YOUR3 GONN4 4NYW4Y GC: 4DD1CT1ON 1S 4 POW3RFUL TH1NG >:] GC: S33 Y4
You consult with your MAGIC CUE BALL, an extremely rare treasure you recently plundered from an ancient crypt, and one of many rumored to be hidden across the globe. Each at one time belonged to the strange and powerful man fabled to live on the green moon, but have since managed to escape his vision.
It is said to make predictions with alarming precision and specificity. Unfortunately it lacks a portal on its surface that allows you to view the prediction.
So who could say for sure whether its predictions were accurate? It would require someone with x-ray vision.
You channel your powerful eyesight through your customized lenses and whisper to the faithful little oracle: Should you be worried about Terezi's threat?
|PESTERLOG|
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
AG: What's your deal???????? AA: what d0 y0u mean AG: Did you just zap Equius into the game? His hive disappeared! AA: are y0u n0t happy ab0ut that AG: Hell no! I was supposed to get your surprise present from him! Um, that he was keeping for me! 8ut only temporarily! AG: And then we were going to jump in the g8me tog8ther! As co-le8ders! Remem8er???????? AA: y0u were ab0ut t0 be killed by his hive AA: pr0ceeding with that plan w0uldnt have made sense AA: we certainly d0nt need tw0 dead players AG: 8ut! AG: Aaaaaaaah! AG: You knew this was going to happen! You were planning it all along! You're planning all this. I know a schemer when I see one! AA: yes it was the plan AA: it had t0 g0 this way AG: No! It had to go the way we said it would. I was going to give you the present I convinced him to m8ke for you. Me! It wo8ldn't have got m8de if not f8r me! AG: And then you could have a 8ody again and everyth8ng would 8e fine. Then we could go 8ack to 8eing friends again. AA: were we ever really friends AG: Yeah!!!!!!!! AG: I don't know. I felt like we were even if you didn't think so. AG: I guess I'm not very good at acting like a friend. Or saying stuff like, hey friend! You're my friend! It doesn't really occur to me. AG: 8ut we were! Why would you play with me if you didn't think I was your friend? AA: i d0nt remember AA: it d0esnt matter AG: 8arf. More of this apathetic 8aloney. Why don't you cut the ghost girl act already? I get it! You're dead and spooky. AA: ribbit AG: Hm. AG: Uh, okay? AG: Haha. Pretty odd! AA: s0rry AG: That's cool, you can ri88it if you want. In a weird way it almost makes you sound normal! AG: So what now? I guess you and Equius co-lead since he managed to usurp me. That cunning 8astard. AG: I guess I follow you into the game instead? Fine 8y me! I'll follow you guys. Just give me my orders, 8oss. AA: n0 AA: y0ure n0t 0n the blue team AG: Oh what the fuuuuuuuuck! AA: y0u were never g0ing t0 be AG: I get it. I finally see now. This is your revenge. AG: You finally did it, Megido. You got me pretty good. Well played. AA: its n0t revenge AA: y0u were always supp0sed t0 be 0n the red team AA: y0ull believe me later AA: when y0u wake up AG: What a load of SHIIIIIIIIT. You've 8een plotting your revenge since day one. And I fell for it like a sucker. Can't say I 8lame you. AA: ive never th0ught ab0ut revenge at all AG: 8ut why not! AG: I killed you!!!!!!!! AA: i d0nt care AG: AAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!! AG: You're so infuri8ing! Why c8n't you just h8 me? It would 8e a lot easier th8t way. AG: Or at least feel 8othered or annoyed or S8METHING! God!!!!!!!! AG: May8e I sh8uld just rip my he8rt out of my chest and pound it to a 8loody pulp here on my desk with my sup8r strong ro8ot arm. AG: Pound pound pound pound pound pound pound pound! AG: Look at that, more nasty 8lue 8lood all over me. Why not! Might as well op8n the floodg8s and p8nt my whole hive with this oh so envia8le cerulean SWILL. AG: 8ecause clearly it's up to me to feel em8tions for the 8oth of us, you misera8le soulless witch! AA: 0_0 AG: I h88888888 you! AG: H8 h8 h8 h8 h8 h8 h8 haaaaaaaate! AG: I only regret killing you cause it m8de you so 8ORING!!!!!!!! AA: s0rry AG: I don't want to 8e on the red team. ::::( AG: It's full of jerks who just think I'm a 8ig jerk. AA: they need y0u th0ugh AA: and its where y0u need t0 be AA: karkat will be in t0uch with y0u s00n AG: Oh god, I can't w8 for THAT convers8tion. AA: als0 if its any c0ns0lati0n AA: the teams are meaningless anyway AG: What? Why would that 8e consol8tion? It's more vague spooky nonsense! AG: Fuck you for me trying to help you. AG: Fuck the 8lue team, fuck your conniving, fuck Equius's dou8ledealing and the stupid muscle8east he rode in on, and fuck you for s8ving my life. AG: FUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!
|PESTERLOG|
centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
CT: D --> Aradia, here's the deal CT: D --> Now that the game has begun, the plan will be modified slightly CT: D --> We will not be co-leaders of the b100 team CT: D --> I alone will be the leader CT: D --> Is that understood AA: thats fine CT: D --> Good CT: D --> Wait CT: D --> You have no objection CT: D --> Are you sure AA: n0 AA: im 0k with it CT: D --> Do you typically embrace such a passive attitude when your superiors give you orders AA: i d0nt usually receive 0rders fr0m superi0rs 0r 0therwise AA: but really its fine CT: D --> Hmm AA: what CT: D --> I think I should get a towel CT: D --> I'm perspiring heavily again AA: why AA: whats wr0ng CT: D --> Never mind CT: D --> I'm trying to stay professional about this AA: ab0ut what AA: what are y0u talking ab0ut CT: D --> Forget it CT: D --> It's just pleasant to consort with one of lesser breeding who clearly understands her place AA: ive underst00d f0r s0me time that this will be my r0le AA: t0 functi0n as y0ur server player AA: and that y0u w0uld be the team leader as the first in the chain CT: D --> Perfect CT: D --> Then we are on the same page CT: D --> I 100k forward to seeing how well you serve me, server player AA: uh AA: thats n0t quite the meaning 0f the w0rd server CT: D --> What do you mean AA: as y0ur server i manipulate y0ur envir0nment t0 help y0u advance CT: D --> I don't understand CT: D --> Are you CT: D --> Are you saying CT: D --> That CT: D --> You are in a position of control over me AA: i supp0se s0 CT: D --> Oh AA: what CT: D --> Oh my God AA: 0_0 CT: D --> This is CT: D --> Impropriety of a caliber I cannot even CT: D --> It's CT: D --> You are as low on the hemosprectrum as possible CT: D --> To consider that someone so low could be in a position of authority over me is CT: D --> It's just so CT: D --> Disgusting AA: y0u really are quite a sn0b CT: D --> No it's CT: D --> FILTHY AA: 0_0 CT: D --> I need some air CT: D --> Or some cold milk CT: D --> Or a towel, I need a towel CT: D --> Where the fuck are all my fresh towels CT: D --> I mean CT: D --> Fiddlesticks, please pardon my language CT: D --> It won't happen again AA: y0u l00k really agitated AA: are y0u sure y0ure alright
|PESTERLOG|
CT: D --> I'm fine CT: D --> I'll be fine CT: D --> I just need to breathe CT: D --> And to break something possibly AA: break s0mething CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> It helps me rela% AA: 0h AA: i think i understand CT: D --> Do you AA: i like breaking things AA: i didnt used t0 but n0w i d0 AA: its fun AA: um AA: hell0 AA: are y0u sure y0ure 0k CT: D --> Yes AA: y0u really d0 l00k like y0ure sweating pretty hard CT: D --> I just need a blasted towel CT: D --> Where ever did that Aurthour get off to AA: maybe y0u sh0uld break s0mething AA: t0 try t0 calm d0wn CT: D --> Perhaps AA: d0 y0u want me t0 break s0mething CT: D --> Whoa what AA: i c0uld break s0mething if y0u want CT: D --> Do you CT: D --> Want to break something AA: kind 0f CT: D --> I, uh CT: D --> Ok
|PESTERLOG|
AA: equius im ab0ut t0 thr0w an abluti0n trap thr0ugh y0ur wall AA: heads up CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> Yes that was wonderful AA: it was pretty c00l CT: D --> But could you please refrain from dipping into the vernacular of commoners CT: D --> In fact, this is an order from your leader CT: D --> Call things by their proper names AA: what AA: y0u want me t0 call it a bath tub AA: that s0unds ridicul0us CT: D --> Nevertheless, do it AA: fine CT: D --> Now CT: D --> Could you please CT: D --> Uh CT: D --> Do that again AA: what AA: y0u want me t0 thr0w the trap thr0ugh y0ur wall again AA: i mean the tub CT: D --> Yes AA: is that an 0rder CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> Wait CT: D --> I don't know AA: what d0nt y0u kn0w CT: D --> Maybe I don't want to order you to CT: D --> Maybe I want CT: D --> You to do whatever things that you want to do AA: i really have n0 idea what y0ure talking ab0ut CT: D --> You could cause quite a bother for me, with the power you wield CT: D --> I can do nothing to stop you, peasant girl CT: D --> It's so magnificently depraved AA: y0u are s0 weird AA: and this is c0ming fr0m a gh0st AA: ribbit CT: D --> What was that CT: D --> Are you role playing now CT: D --> Stop, it's unbecoming AA: s0rry CT: D --> You're better than that CT: D --> And by better, I mean worse CT: D --> Much, much worse CT: D --> Downright coarse and degenerate CT: D --> Just reprehensibly sordid AA: 0_0 CT: D --> Actually CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> You may role play and proceed to deepen this already irretrievable debauchery CT: D --> In fact I command it CT: D --> I command you to have free will and do as you please CT: D --> And continue being bothersome and unpredictably destructive CT: D --> I mean CT: D --> If you want AA: im n0t really r0le playing AA: im part fr0g AA: but 0k AA: i guess i can break s0me m0re stuff AA: ribbit CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> Ribbit again AA: i cant really c0ntr0l the ribbits
|PESTERLOG|
CT: D --> I will make haste through this mysterious realm and find your gate CT: D --> It will pose no challenge for me at all AA: yeah i kn0w CT: D --> I will then give you your new body, and you may take your rightful place as my subordinate AA: sure CT: D --> Actually CT: D --> Now I'm beginning to wonder AA: what CT: D --> Whether I want you to be my subordinate CT: D --> Hmm CT: D --> I hope this doesn't sound too strange AA: everything y0u say s0unds strange CT: D --> Maybe I would like you to be the co-leader again AA: 0k CT: D --> In fact CT: D --> Oh my goodness, I can't believe I'm entertaining this thought CT: D --> It feels just vile CT: D --> Try not to roll your eyes at me AA: i d0nt have pupils CT: D --> Would you mind terribly CT: D --> Being the leader AA: fine CT: D --> But CT: D --> Don't tell anyone CT: D --> You will be the leader of me, and I will lead all else CT: D --> You would in effect be the secret leader AA: yeah sure AA: thats pretty much h0w it is anyway CT: D --> Yes, that's the spirit CT: D --> You take to authority well for one of your b100d AA: i d0nt have bl00d CT: D --> Not yet CT: D --> But soon your heart will beat anew, and through it, fresh b100d and fresh passion AA: 0_0 AA: w0w uh AA: can y0u just bring me the r0b0t already CT: D --> On my way
|SPRITELOG|
ARADIASPRITE: it l00ks nice EQUIUS: D --> Yes EQUIUS: D --> It is perfect in every way ARADIASPRITE: ribbit EQUIUS: D --> Do you EQUIUS: D --> Have a clean towel anywhere
|SPRITELOG|
EQUIUS: D --> I think it suits you EQUIUS: D --> Much more so than the form of a levitating ghostly amphibian EQUIUS: D --> How does it feel ARADIABOT: it feels ARADIABOT: different! EQUIUS: D --> Ok EQUIUS: D --> But I mean EQUIUS: D --> Do you feel anything else ARADIABOT: uh EQUIUS: D --> Any sort of EQUIUS: D --> Stirring sensations ARADIABOT: stirring? EQUIUS: D --> Yes EQUIUS: D --> Such as EQUIUS: D --> Sensations which may be stirred by flowing b100d and a beating heart ARADIABOT: im n0t sure EQUIUS: D --> Can you detect anything within you might describe as EQUIUS: D --> Smoldering passion EQUIUS: D --> I mean EQUIUS: D --> Just out of curiosity ARADIABOT: wait ARADIABOT: what is that EQUIUS: D --> What's what ARADIABOT: this feeling ARADIABOT: 0h g0d ARADIABOT: 0H MY G0D WHAT DID Y0U D0!
|SPRITELOG|
ARADIABOT: did y0u pr0gram this r0b0t t0 have feelings f0r y0u? ARADIABOT: R0MANTIC FEELINGS??? EQUIUS: D --> Hrrrk ARADIABOT: ANSWER ME BLUE BL00D SCUM EQUIUS: D --> I EQUIUS: D --> Yes EQUIUS: D --> Uh EQUIUS: D --> It's a chip in your heart EQUIUS: D --> Is that not ok ARADIABOT: get it 0ut EQUIUS: D --> Urrk EQUIUS: D --> I guess I can EQUIUS: D --> Uninstall it if you would just ARADIABOT: GET IT 0UT!!! EQUIUS: D --> Sorry EQUIUS: D --> I'll EQUIUS: D --> Hrrrrrrk ARADIABOT: GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT
You consult your SHIPPING WALL. Clearly some changes are in order. You must admit you didn't see this one coming, even with your remarkable matchmaking acumen.
You should probably recolor all the Aradia panels so she looks like a robot too. It is a major commitment keeping up with all your ships, but it is worth it.
|PESTERLOG|
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]
CG: OK THIS IS GOING TO SOUND PREPOSTEROUS GIVEN OUR LAST CONVERSATION. CG: AND I GUESS PRACTICALLY EVERY CONVERSATION PRECEDING IT. CG: AND I'M PROBABLY GOING TO HAVE TO DO SOMETHING COMPLETELY DISGUSTING LIKE APOLOGIZE. CG: AND EVEN THOUGH I'LL HATE MYSELF FOR IT I WILL TOTALLY MEAN IT, I PROMISE. CG: LIKE, REALLY REALLY MEAN IT. AG: You're going to ask me to join your team, aren't you. CG: YEAH. CG: HOW DID YOU KNOW. AG: I don't seem to have much choice now! Aradia kicked me off the good team. CG: HAHAHAHA WOW THAT IS GREAT. CG: WAIT, SORRY. CG: NO WAIT, I DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE NOW. CG: I APOLOGIZE TO MYSELF FOR OFFERING YOU A SHITTY MEANINGLESS APOLOGY. CG: APOLOGY ACCEPTED, KARKAT. LET'S BURY THE THRESHER WITH A TOTALLY PLATONIC BRO BULGE BUMP. CG: BUMP HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. AG: You dork. AG: Do you really think your usual pedantic quips are going to 8ug me now???????? CG: I'M NOT TRYING TO BUG YOU I'M TRYING TO GET YOU TO JOIN MY DAMN TEAM, NOW STEP IN LINE SERKET. AG: I was just 8etrayed and a8andonded 8y my two accomplices and 8est pals, and on top of that I am soaked in the 8lood of my lusus which I just had to decapit8 myself. AG: So listening to a cra88y asshole 8e all tickled with his own mediocre retorts isn't going to spoil my evening! CG: OK, WELL, SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT THAT. CG: BUT I MEAN YOU CAN JUST DUMP HER CARCASS IN THE KERNEL AND BRING HER BACK STRONGER THAN EVER. AG: Wow. AG: Uh, good to know. AG: I guess. ::::\ CG: NOW WHY DON'T YOU HOP IN THE TRAP, WASH THAT NASTY BLUE SHIT OFF, AND JOIN OUR FUCKING SESSION ALREADY. AG: What! It's so rude to dict8 hygiene procedure to a lady. Under any circumstance! Even for douchey loudmouths with delusions of leadership. AG: May8e you should try to think a8out the dum8 things that fall out of your protein chute for once, Vantas. CG: BLAH BLAH BLAH. CG: NOW MY CHUTE IS DOING A FUCKING STELLAR IMPRESSION OF SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT. AG: Anyway, you know my 8lood's the prettiest and you'd o8viously kill to have it. CG: NO IT SUCKS. CG: TOTALLY HAPPY WITH MINE, NICE TRY THOUGH. AG: 8S! AG: Why would you hide 8ehind your lame gray anonymity then? AG: You do realize everyone thinks that's totally lame, right???????? CG: IT'S NOBODY'S BUSINESS. CG: I DON'T SEE WHY IT SHOULD BE A MATTER OF PUBLIC RECORD. CG: I'M NOT GOING TO WEAR THAT SHIT ON MY SLEEVE LIKE YOU DO. CG: LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY. CG: IT'S PRIVATE, SO EVERYONE CAN GO POINT THEIR PROBING BUSYBODY SNIFFNODES UP THEIR OWN IMPERTINENT SEED FLAPS. AG: Fine. Like anyone really cares! It's just lame and insecure. AG: So why don't you tell me what I've got to do here???????? I await instruction from my 8igshot a8looded leader. CG: OK FIRST THING'S FIRST. CG: YOU'VE GOT TO CONNECT WITH TAVROS QUICKLY AND GET HIM IN THE SESSION BEFORE HE GETS KILLED. AG: Uggggggggh. CG: WHAT. AG: Can't someone else do that? CG: NO. WHY. AG: XXXXO CG: WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL, JUST DO IT. AG: 8ut I h8 that guy! CG: WHO CARES. AG: This is your command decision? Getting someone who h8s a guy to save his life? Pretty weak, 8oss! CG: WHY DO YOU EVEN HATE HIM, IT'S FUCKING RIDICULOUS. CG: IF ANYTHING YOU SHOULD PITY HIM. CG: ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU WERE THE ONE WHO PARALYZED HIM. AG: I know. I don't really understand it. AG: It's just a really special kind of h8! It never goes away and it doesn't make a lot of sense. CG: THIS IS KIND OF A WEIRD TIME TO BE CONFIDING IN ME ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS OF BLACK ROMANCE BUT OK. AG: Oh god, what? CG: I MEAN IF YOU'RE REALLY IMPLYING TAVROS IS YOUR KISMESIS I THINK YOU'RE BRAYING UP THE WRONG FROND NUB. CG: BOTH PARTIES HAVE TO HATE EACH OTHER EQUALLY, I MEAN LIKE TRUE HATE. CG: MAYBE YOUR FEELINGS COME SOMEWHAT CLOSE TO FITTING THE BILL BUT I DON'T THINK HE CAN HATE ANYONE, IT'S WEIRD, HE'S KIND OF BROKEN IN THE HEAD. AG: Fuuuuuuuuck, WHAT are you talking a8out? CG: I THINK THIS SUBJECT IS BEYOND A LOT OF PEOPLE'S GRASP BUT I KNOW A LOT ABOUT IT, NOBODY EVER REALLY WANTS TO TALK TO ME ABOUT IT THOUGH. AG: Whoa really? Oh no shit, REALLY???????? CG: OK, MOST PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T HAD THEIR LOBE STEM CAUTERIZED ARE CAPABLE OF FEELING THE TWO PRIMARY EMOTIONS, HATE AND PITY. CG: PITY IS OF COURSE JUST THE TONED DOWN VERSION OF THE CENTRAL EMOTION, HATE. CG: AND ALL THE NUANCES OF PITY MANIFEST AS VARIOUS OTHER KINDS OF FEELINGS LIKE WHATEVER CHEMICAL REACTIONS TRIGGER MATING FONDESS OR THE MYSTERIOUS FORCES THAT ARE BEHIND MOIRALLEGIANCE. AG: Karkat, holy fuck. AG: So. AG: 8oring. CG: A WELL BALANCED PERSON IS IS GOING TO HAVE A GOOD DISTRIBUTION BETWEEN HATE AND THE VARIOUS PITY HUMORS. CG: HAVING A GOOD BALANCE KEEPS ALL THE EMOTIONS SHARPER, SEE I THINK THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM. AG: Oh???????? AG: I hope you know I already wore out some good note-taking pens today. All the pens. AG: All of them. CG: SEE, MY HATE IS LIKE A FINELY TUNED INSTRUMENT BECAUSE I'M AWARE OF THESE PRINCIPLES. CG: I COULD HATE A HOLE IN PARADOX SPACE ITSELF, STRAIGHT THROUGH TO A NEW REALITY FRESH FOR THE HATING. AG: Hahahahahahahaha, you don't even know how much I'm laughing at this. CG: BUT SEE, YOU'RE TOO HEAVY ON THE HATE SIDE, OR AT LEAST YOU PRETEND TO BE WHICH IS MAYBE WORSE. AG: You aren't reading anything I say are you? You just want to talk and talk and talk. CG: AND YOU THINK YOU'RE HATING UP EVERYONE HARD WHEN YOU'RE REALLY JUST BURNING OUT THAT ENTIRE EMOTIONAL HEMISPHERE. CG: IT'S LIKE LUKEWARM HATE. PRETENDER'S HATE, WITH NO COUNTERPOINT AT ALL. CG: AS SUCH THERE'S NO REAL SUBSTANCE TO YOUR HATE, IT'S LIKE A CARDBOARD MOVIE PROP. CG: WHICH IS WHY YOUR BRAIN IS BROKEN, KIND OF LIKE TAVROS'S BUT ON THE OPPOSITE HEMISPHERE I GUESS. CG: OR MAYBE YOUR BROKEN BRAIN LED TO THE IMBALANCE IN THE FIRST PLACE, I DON'T KNOW. CG: WHATEVER THE CASE IS, YOU'RE KIND OF EMOTIONALLY SCREWED, SORRY TO SAY. CG: YOUR HATE'S TOO DULL FOR A PROPER KISMESIS, IN MY OPINION. CG: AND I DON'T SEE ANYONE CHOMPING AT THE BIT TO BE YOUR MOIRAIL HONESTLY, UNLESS THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO WOULD ACTUALLY BOTHER PITYING YOU. CG: AND LANDING A MATESPRIT? HAHAHAHA! CG: SERIOUSLY, LIKE THAT WOULD EVEN INTEREST YOU. CG: BASICALLY ANY FEATURE OF YOUR EMOTIONAL PROFILE THAT USUALLY MAKES SOMEONE VIABLE IN THE REDROM DEPARTMENT MUST BE TOTALLY FRIED. CG: YOUR BLACKROM POTENTIAL'S PROBABLY TOAST TOO. CG: HEY. CG: ARE YOU THERE. AG: Oh, yeah. AG: I started tuning you out. AG: Are you done? CG: NO WAY, I COULD GO ON. CG: THIS IS FASCINATING, TELL ME HOW THE FUCK THIS ISN'T FASCINATING. AG: Did you learn this crap from your awful romance movies? CG: THEY'RE REALLY INTRIGUING SOCIOLOGICALLY. CG: INCREDIBLY COMPLEX, SOPHISTICATED STORIES, YOU WOULDN'T GET IT. AG: Hey asshole, stop watching movies for girls. CG: WHAT PART OF INTRIGUING SOCIOLOGICALLY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND. CG: ALSO THEY'RE AWESOME, SHUT UP. AG: Argh, ok! Man! Just let me connect to stupid 8oy-Dum8fuck so I don't have to listen to this anymore! CG: YEAH OK. CG: OH, WAIT! CG: I NEVER EVEN GOT TO THE DAMN POINT. AG: What is it now! CG: I DIDN'T NEED YOU SPECIFICALLY TO CONNECT TO TAVROS, I MEAN I COULD GET ANY SCHLUB TO DO THAT. CG: YOU JUST HAVE TO GET IN HERE ASAP BECAUSE I REALLY NEED YOUR MIND POWERS. AG: You do???????? AG: I mean. AG: O8viously you do. Duh. AG: What for? CG: I RAN INTO SOMEONE HERE. CG: A SORT OF DOUBLE AGENT I GUESS. CG: HIS NAME IS JACK.
|PESTERLOG|
CG: HE HAS SOME INSIDE INFORMATION ABOUT HIS KINGDOM. CG: HE WANTS TO WORK TOGETHER WITH US TO OVERTHROW THE BLACK QUEEN. CG: SO I SAID OK. CG: AND NOW I NEED YOUR HELP. AG: Um, ok. AG: I can try. AG: What does he know? CG: HE RECENTLY GOT HOLD OF SOME INTEL REGARDING A WEAKNESS IN THE QUEEN'S DEFENSES. CG: I DON'T KNOW ANY MORE THAN THAT. CG: BUT WE'VE GOT TO HURRY AND GET STARTED ON THIS THING, OR IT COULD GET KIND OF AWKWARD. AG: Awkward? What do you mean? CG: I MEAN HE'S JUST STANDING HERE NOW. CG: WAITING FOR ME I GUESS. CG: BUT IT'S OK, I THINK HE'S PRETTY MUCH SETTLED DOWN. AG: Settled down? CG: WELL, HE STABBED ME ONCE. AG: Oh, only once! AG: Are you sure you should trust him? I don't know if I would, 8ut hey I'm not the leader. CG: NO, NO, IT'S COOL. CG: HE'S COOL, IT'S FINE I DON'T REALLY MIND THE STABBING, IT WAS ALL A MISUNDERSTANDING. CG: WELL OK I'M PRETTY SURE HE MEANT TO STAB ME. CG: BUT I KIND OF THINK THAT'S LIKE CG: THE WAY HE GREETS PEOPLE? AG: This game is so stupid. CG: IN ANY CASE I THINK HE'S PROBABLY ALL STABBED OUT. AG: Whew!!!!!!!! AG: Oh, man. AG: Since you're 8leeding I should ask Terezi what color your 8lood is. CG: GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. CG: SHE CAN'T SEE ME OR SMELL ME OR ANYTHING, I'M WAY OUT OF MY HIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE ON THE PLANET. AG: Ok, then I'll ask Jack. CG: NO, JACK WON'T TELL, I MADE HIM PROMISE HE WOULDN'T TELL. AG: Dammit! Stupid lousy tightlipped sta8happy dou8le agents. AG: Doesn't Trollian have some kind of viewport feature? CG: YEAH BUT I'M PRETTY SURE ONLY SOLLUX KNOWS HOW TO SET THAT UP, AND HE'S BEEN INCOMMUNICADO FOR HOURS FOR SOME REASON. CG: ANYWAY THAT WHOLE FEATURE SEEMS TOTALLY INVASIVE AND LARGELY POINTLESS TO ME, SO JUST FORGET IT. AG: Yeah ok, here we are a8out to em8ark on an espionage mission. A spying tool sounds totally useless! AG: Another gr8 point, captain. CG: WHATEVER. CG: JUST GET YOUR ASS IN HERE SO WE CAN DETHRONE THIS GODDAMN QUEEN. CG: IT'LL MEAN ONE LESS GOD BOSS WE HAVE TO FIGHT. AG: Fine, I'll be right there. AG: Just try not to lose too much of your mystery blood and die.
You find the kid you've been looking for. He's got a pretty sharp tongue and can't seem to keep it sheathed. He should learn up front you're no stranger to sharp objects yourself.
He still won't shut up. He doesn't seem to care about the wound. He's just going on and on about the freakish color of his blood. He doesn't want you to look at it. Just look away, he says.
It seems he's the only one of his kind with this mutant candy-red blood. An outcast. He thinks he was put on this planet covered in an ocean of his own blood to be taunted. Punished for something.
Saddest story you ever heard. Got to do something to shut him up.
You and your like-blooded accomplice soon put OPERATION REGISURP into motion, a contingency plan which the archagent conveniently had on file and named himself. If it were drafted by a legitimate contingency firm, it would ostensibly have been given a better title.
Your whole team executes the plan along the course of its journey, employing espionage, mind control tactics, political sabotage, vicious interrogations and cold blooded assassinations. Everyone does their part and you begin to learn the true meaning of teamwork, as well as this troll disease called friendship.
But before a single step is taken, Jack briefs you on the intelligence uncovered by one of his agents. It is an advantage over the queen you will seize upon while she has let her guard down.
With each prototyping by each player, the royalty of both sides would evolve. The queen with her RING OF ORBS TWELVEFOLD would first take on the claws and ridged carapace of your lusus. And then the wings and scales of Terezi's young dragon. And then the horns and gills and cloven hooves of Gamzee's fallen custodian. And so it would continue.
Though a queen is a vain creature, she is also sworn to her duty. She would be braced for the heavy load of augmentation ahead. She could certainly withstand the eight eyes of an arachnid. The fairy wings might at worst be frivolous, and the great bull horns could even be regarded as striking additions. For that matter, the sultry lips of a mother grub might very plausibly suit her. She perhaps would wear a brave face even behind a dignified mustache, and the centauring of her lower torso could transpire without much complaint. She would dutifully indulge a lactating udder. And when all was said and done, doubling her head count would surely be insult to elevenfold injury, but nothing she hadn't essentially endured already, all in the name of her kingdom.
But she would spare herself all of these additional debasements. Because before the rest came, there would be one corruption to her figure she could not abide. Her vanity wouldn't allow it.
She could not stand bearing the visage of the most loathsome creature known to existence. So vile is its appearance, so contemptible its purpose, all depictions of the creature let alone members of its population are permanently banned from any jurisdiction in the reach of her agents. Those of its kind go by many names, and so does the reviled patron god they herald - THE GREAT DETESTATION, KING PONDSQUATTER, SPEAKER OF THE VAST JOKE, or most commonly, BILIOUS SLICK.
His true name is of course forbidden. And wearing his face is where she drew the line.
She removed the ring and concealed it in the ROYAL VAULT while she was quite sure no one was looking. She then retired to her private chamber from which she would dispatch orders, no one the wiser of her disadvantage.
But at the onset, you would know nothing of the queen's aversion to an amphibious likeness, or about her orbs twelvefold, or any such details. You were informed of her disadvantage, and would act accordingly. You and your red teammates would work to dethrone the queen in your session, while the blue team members would take on the entirely separate set of royal adversaries in their own session. This was to be a competition, after all.
Though the signs pointed to two distinct sessions - two sets of mystic ruins, two opposing teams, two separate chains of connected players - this was all misleading.
You were joining a particularly unusual bifurcated session, meant from the start to receive all twelve players through two separate connection chains. A session with one Skaia about which twelve planets would circle. With one army of dark and one of light. With one pair of kings and one pair of queens. And with one cantankerous archagent and his typical disdain for authority. It wouldn't be until later in the session when the full chain was nearly closed that you would realize the truth.
The truth was it had always been the same session all along. That your teams were not competing, but cooperating toward a common goal.
In the more drawn out form of this adventure's narrative, figuring this out would have been a huge deal. We would have been completely blown away by this stunning revelation.
But since we've decided to engage this epic in shorthand, you feel you must insist that we continue with this expository interlude.
It would turn out the arrangement of planets looked like this, rather. Bifurcated from each other, each team appearing to comprise a distinct chain in a distinct session without the luxury of the complete picture we see here.
It appeared that way until it was time to link the two chains, completing the circuit of twelve and uniting the teams.
For these final two links, Skaia had a plan, as it did with the order of every preceding link, and as it did with the paradoxical seeding of its own players on the surface of the planet it would later devastate to buy itself time. Its plan was as inescapable as all others, as inevitable as the reckoning it would ultimately face.
After watching the phrases MOBIUSDOUBLE and REACHAROUND toggle for a few minutes while in a sort of stupor, you finally snap out of it. Your attention drifts toward these two symbols.
You would try to be these mysterious characters but you suspect you would fail, so you don't bother.
They're way too mysterious for you to be them yet! Seriously, what's up with these guys? Do they live under water or something? What's their deal!
For that matter, what about this young lady? What is HER deal???
We'll probably find out about her later too. It will probably be quite some time before you get to be her. It could very well be pages and pages and pages.
You are one of the few of your kind who can withstand the BLISTERING ALTERNIAN SUN, and perhaps the only who enjoys the feel of its rays. As such, you are one of the few of your kind who has taken a shining to LANDSCAPING. You have cultivated a lush oasis around your hive, and in particular, you have honed your craft through the art of TOPIARY, sculpting your trees to match the PUFFY ORACLES from your dreams. You have embraced the tool of this trade, which conveniently is the weapon of choice for those who would hunt the HEINOUS BROODS OF THE UNDEAD which crawl from the sand at sunrise to feast on the light and the living.
It would be convenient if you actually hunted them, but it is of course far too dangerous, every bit as suicidal as attempting to poach the terrible MUSCLEBEASTS who roam at night. So you indulge in your bright fascination with the grim through literature. Just before the sun goes down and you join your flora in rest, you immerse yourself in tales of RAINBOW DRINKERS and SHADOW DROPPERS and FORBIDDEN PASSION.
You are one of the few of your kind with JADE GREEN BLOOD. As such you are one of the few who could be selected and raised by a VIRGIN MOTHER GRUB, an event so rare as to elude documented precedent. She would defend you from desert threats, and though her life would be short, in time you would assure her of progeny.
You are one of the few of your kind whose affection for the aesthetic strongly overpowers instinctive regard for the utilitarian. As such, you are one of the few of your kind who has developed a zeal for FASHION and DESIGN and LIVELY COLORFUL PATTERNS. You decorate your hive with FLORA and FABRIC, as delicately or aggressively as inspiration demands. You are a SEAMSTRESS or a RAGRIPPER or a TREETRIMMER or a LUMBERJACK, whichever you care to be, and your unique hive is equipped with a great supply of advanced technology to accommodate your interests. The technology and indeed the hive itself were all recovered from the ruins nearby when you were very young. The seed of your hive was deployed on the volcanic rocks beneath the sand with the assistance of your lusus and her remarkable burrowing skills, and you have lived there happily together since.
You know the ruins and the hive and everything here that is not sand and rock originated from the world of your dreams. You also know that one day you will visit this world while you are awake. That day is today.
Your trolltag is grimAuxiliatrix and you Tend To Enunciate Each Word You Speak Very Clearly And Carefully
|PESTERLOG|
cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]
CC: )(-ELLO! GA: Hey CC: KANAYA )(I! CC: Glub glub glub glub glub! CC: 38) GA: You Seem More Excited Than Usual GA: Or Less GA: I Cant Tell GA: Help Me Tell Without Saying Glub CC: Glub glub glub glub glub glub glub! GA: Im Going To Type This Face Now GA: :? GA: Even Though No One Knows How To Make A Mouth Do A Question Shape Like That CC: )(a)(a sorry! CC: I cant really control t)(e glubs. GA: Yes You Can GA: But Thats Fine You Can Glub To The Content Of Your Collapsing And Expanding Bladder Based Aquatic Vascular System GA: If It Means You Are Excited About Something CC: I AM -EXCIT-ED! GA: Ok Why CC: -Everyt)(ing we are about to do next is exciting. CC: It is always exciting. CC: I'm -EXCIT----------------ED! CC: Pc)(ooooo. GA: It Looks Like One Of Your Letters Got Away From You CC: )(a)(a yea)( I really launc)(ed t)(at one. GA: You Forked An Innocent D Loitering Over There By The Shout Pole Minding Its Own Business CC: )(-E)(-E! CC: Glub glub glub! CC: )(-EY! Lets stop being retarded for a minute. GA: Yeah Sure CC: I am just worked up about t)(is game, it will be great. CC: Ive been waiting a long time to get started! We all )(ave. GA: I Thought So GA: I Have Been Cloaked In A Mood Of Perpetual Anticipation For Some Time As Well CC: We s)(ould compare notes. Even t)(oug)( we are on different teams! GA: Well GA: Not Really CC: )(mm really? CC: See t)(is is w)(y we s)(ould be comparing notes! 38O GA: What Notes Would You Like To Submit For Comparison CC: )(mmmmmm. CC: Well I am going to join my team pretty late. CC: I t)(ink I )(ave to! CC: I will need to connect after my goofball moirail does so I can keep my goggles on )(is nefarious escapades. CC: Its a toug)( job but its important! Everyone )(as an important job to do. GA: Yeah CC: Isnt t)(at w)(at youre doing too? Joining late to keep an eye on yours? GA: I Dont Know For A Fact That She Is Mine CC: )(a)(a youre not supposed to know for a FACT dummy! CC: You just do w)(at you t)(ink is rig)(t and even if you were wrong t)(e worst t)(at )(appened was you )(elped somebody and )(elped t)(e w)(ole world too! GA: I Know GA: But What If I Dont Really Want Her To Be That CC: Glub glub glub glub S)(RUG. GA: Yeah Glub Glub Shrug Is The Right Attitude I Think GA: Our Minds Are Already Made Up Anyway Arent They CC: Yes probably! CC: Your clouds tell you everyt)(ing so w)(at do you even )(ave to worry about? GA: They Dont Tell Me Everything GA: Just As I Am Sure She Doesnt Whisper Everything To You CC: T)(ats true. CC: O)( s)(ucks now Im going to get sad. CC: S)(e will be gone soon. 38( CC: T)(oug)( I guess it will be a relief not to )(ave to worry about keeping )(er voice down anymore! GA: I Wonder If Any Other Kid On The Planet Has As Many Burdens In The Fire As You GA: I Doubt It CC: T)(ey arent burdens! CC: Ok I guess t)(ey are )(a)(a. CC: But I love t)(em and I wouldnt )(ave it any ot)(er way because t)(is is w)(y Im )(ere! CC: On t)(at note I t)(ink Im going to go say goodbye to )(er. Maybe you s)(ould too w)(ile you )(ave t)(e c)(ance! CC: Even t)(oug)( Ill see )(er again soon w)(ic)( still seems kind of strange to me. CC: But t)(ats w)(y t)(is is all so -EXCITING! CC: KANAYA BY----------------------------E!
Look at this mess. All this blood and sunlight is stirring bright feelings within. You often fantasize about being a true rainbow drinker from your literature. It would be a life of darting between the shadows, of persecution and being misunderstood. And of ROMANCE. You would drink heavily from its multicolored well, and the hemospectrum would be your wine list preceding the great feast of passion.
Surely it couldn't hurt. While no one is looking...
|PESTERLOG|
AG: Whaaaaaaaat. GA: Just Wanted To Know GA: Is Your Lusus Dead Yet
You then proceed to have the rest of this conversation we already read, bugging and fussing and meddling through the special and magical union one can only describe as being in moirallegiance with another.
At least, you guess that's how you would describe it. Maybe.
You will put her out of your mind for a while. It should be hours before you have to connect with her anyway. Might as well pack this thing up and head inside.
|PESTERLOG|
caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]
CA: kan make her talk to me do somethin GA: Who CA: your no good connivvin fuckin backstabbin girl crush thats wwho GA: Overstating Our Relationship Wont Make Me Feel Very Cooperative GA: Its Paler Red Than That Ok CA: pshhhhhh that is a fuckin laugh and you knoww it evveryone does CA: so help me out tell her to talk to me i think she blocked me you got to GA: Why Do I Got To GA: I Dont Got To And Every Time You Take My Help For Granted I Feel Like I Got To A Little Less CA: wwhatEVVER you are so the vvillage twwo wwheel devvice wwhen it comes to auspisticing CA: you cant let a grudge go by you wwont stick your busy stem betwwixt so get wwith the program fussyfangs GA: If Your Slander Werent So Predictable Id Block You Too For Saying That GA: Has It Occurred To You She May Have Blocked You Because You Are Vvery Ovverbearing GA: I Just Said That Aloud Now In Your Silly Accent And Had A Private Moment Of Enjoyment CA: wwho givves a shit wwhy she blocked me or about my fuckin manners come on youvve got a wway wwith her CA: i figure if youre going to auspisticize any twwo brinesuckers wwho sneer at each other a funny wway you might as wwell make it official and be ours right GA: Your Black Solicitation Just Seems Really Indecent GA: What Do You Want From Her Anyway CA: she made me somethin per a prior arrangement CA: she wwill delivver it wwhen wwe meet in this game but i dont knoww wwhat the logistics are yet CA: im tryin to connoiter wwith her here but shes blowwin me off again fickle dirtscrapin landhag GA: What Is It CA: kan stupid wwhat do you think its a fuckin gizmo to bloww up the wworld or somethin CA: ok wwell not that obvviously CA: but somethin thatll kill all land dwwellers wwhat else wwould i be after GA: Can You Just For A Moment Entertain The Thoughts Of One Untouched By Megalomaniacal Derangement And Tell Me Why Id Want To Assist You With That CA: wwell CA: im not goin to vvery wwell kill you am i that wwould be fuckin unconscionable CA: wwhat kind of friend wwould i be GA: Also Speculate For A Moment That Self Preservation Might Not Be What Would Sway My Decision CA: yeah go ahead and kiss us off but therell be blood on your hands CA: you could either play along as our auspistice and do a little mediating like you wwere fuckin hatched to CA: or wwatch she and me devvolvve into fuckin full fledged kismesisses the kind like you dont get once in ten thousand swweeps CA: you knoww thats wwhat it wwould be there wwould be rainboww rivvers runnin through star systems and all nebulizin like liquid firewworks CA: it wwill be beautiful and heartbreaking all at once CA: you should read up on your history instead of poring through that godawwfull sunny rubbish GA: Its Just GA: Laborious Listening To This GA: Im Sorry GA: None Of It Matters CA: yeah it does its important sorry but the fate of the race and purity of the bloodline is important excuse me for being concerned GA: I Know GA: But You Really Should Know By Now The World Will End Tonight Regardless GA: Land And Sea Dwellers Alike Will All Die GA: Because Of The Game We Are About To Play GA: And I Agree The Fate Of The Race Is Important But Its In My Hands Now GA: All Of Ours Really CA: huh CA: wwell ok GA: Really CA: ordinarily id call bullshit on terrible stinkin bs like that but i knoww you dont really lie about stuff CA: unless its to yourself CA: but thats wwhy i bother evven talking to you i wwouldnt evven be here SAYIN any of this otherwwise CA: so did your clouds tell you that GA: The Doomsday Scenario In Particular GA: No Not Exactly CA: i got clouds and they dont tell me SHIT they hide nothin but misfortune and monstrosities CA: fuckin pain in the ass fuckin clouds CA: so howw do you knoww then GA: I Have Another Source CA: ok wwell you are jacked tight the fuck into this thing in so many wways i dont knoww wwhat to say anymore CA: wwhatevver wwe wwill just play and find out i guess CA: so can you tell her to talk to me anywway GA: No CA: god dammit CA: she and me are teammates wwevve got to havve a powwwwoww or SOMETHING GA: You Arent Actually On The Same Team CA: fuck CA: fine i get it ill step off CA: you dont wwant to be our auspistice cause you dont wwant to get locked into that sort of relation wwith her i can respect that GA: No Thats Not It CA: yeah it is your real feelins run pretty awwful RUDDY methinks evverybody knowws it CA: especially that assblood karkat he and me havve you so pegged about that its upright silly CA: but its cool its totally fine dont wworry ill leavve you alone and givve you a shot GA: Its Unbelievable GA: Her Patience CA: wwhat CA: wwhoa wwait wwho GA: Never Mind CA: ok wwait did she talk to you today CA: wwhat did she say CA: or glub or wwhatevver GA: Something About Longing To Touch You Indiscretely CA: WWWWHAT GA: And That Shes Basically In The Scarlet Throes For You GA: As Deep In The Flushed Quadrant As One Can Be CA: wwait CA: did she actually say that CA: in confidence GA: To The Letter CA: can you copy exactly wwhat she said GA: Absolutely Not CA: this is bullshit youre bee essing me in some wway awwful CA: you dont lie but you do tease and ill tranfuse my kickass royal blood out wwith incontinent musclebeast discharge if i wwont knoww wwhen im gettin hooked GA: Yeah GA: Shes Just A Concerned Moirail GA: Looking Out For You GA: Thats All CA: awwww fuck CA: see im tellin you CA: you got to play your cards right GA: What Do You Mean CA: if youre not savvvvy about howw you define yourself to people CA: you can just splash into the moirail zone before you knoww wwhich wways upwward GA: Oh GA: Hmm CA: kan its hard GA: What CA: being a kid and growwing up CA: its hard and nobody understands
There is a lot to do before you enter. There will be a lot of people to talk to and help along the way. No, not meddle with or mediate. HELP, dammit! You are very helpful.
You have a lot of inside information on what you and your coplayers are about to face. You are jacked tight the fuck into this thing in so many ways we don't know what to say anymore. And it's not just cloud visions either.
In one dream, the clouds pointed you to the address of a server hidden in an obscure pocket of a realm unknowable to mortals. It contains a journal written by a young member of an alien species. She has documented her experiences playing the game you are about to play.
You can only assume this took place a long time ago. This race is likely ancient, preceding yours by millions of sweeps. Maybe billions! You like to try to imagine the adventures of these players. Were they successful in repopulating their race? Did they manage to protect their matriorb and hatch a new mother grub? Could they hold it together, or were they torn apart by the complex social dynamics, the matespritships and moirallegiences and auspisticisms and kismesissitudes that will surely plague your group along the way?
You have little doubt they succeeded with flying colors.
You have little doubt their victory was because of their leader, a great heroine, the TENTACLETHERAPIST. From what she recorded, it seems the group had very little knowledge of what they were getting into. And yet they appear to have been the only of their kind to have risen to the challenge in a session stacked heavily against them. You are convinced her leadership was the difference.
It would be nice to have the chance to talk to her. Alas, she's likely been dead for millennia. Only the incomplete record of a long forgotten quest remains.
On the other hand, if you were to discover her quest ended in failure, it might be somewhat disillusioning.
|PESTERLOG|
AT: i THINK THIS, iS, AT: pROBABLY MEANT TO ANTAGONIZE ME, AG: What are you talking a8out. Look at my 8eatiful 8uilding. Don't you think it's a8out time someone got a little cre8tive with this game???????? AT: uMMM, mAYBE, AG: Everyone always wants to do things the 8oring way. AG: Didn't we make a truce, Tavros? That we would try to 8e less 8oring from now on? AG: You don't want to 8reak your truce with me, do you Tavros? AT: nO, AG: Gr8. Now get clim8ing! AT: pLEASE DON'T READ THIS AS, AT: a BORING THING, i HOPE, AT: bUT, AT: iT'S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO DO THAT, mOSTLY, AG: Man. I knew it. Toreasnooze is 8ACK IN ACTION. AT: wHY DON'T YOU, iN LIKE, AT: a NOT BORING WAY, bUILD, AT: mORE INCLINED SURFACES, lIKE YOU DID OVER THERE, AT: mAYBE YOU COULD COLOR THEM, wITH FUN COLORS, AT: sO YOU WON'T THINK THEY'RE BORING AND GET ANGRY AT ME SOME MORE, AG: I 8uilt that ramp 8ecause we were in a hurry to save your life, remem8er? AG: A dead Tavros is even more 8oring than an alive and crippled Tavros 8y a slim margin. AG: My stair structure is lovely and I'm not changing it. AG: Now hop out of your wheel device and get clim8ing!!!!!!!! AT: uHH, AT: cLIMBING, AG: Or crawling. Whatever! Stop 8eing so helpless. It's pathetic. AT: iT WILL TAKE A LONG TIME, AG: What's the rush! You're in the game, safe and sound. Look in the sky. Do you see any meteors? I sure don't! AT: bUT, tHERE ARE IMPS AROUND, AT: aND i'LL BE SORT OF DEFENSELESS, AT: lYING DOWN ON STAIRS, AG: Siiiiiiiigh. AG: You did not just use that excuse. We 8oth know you can commune with these things. AG: Hey! Why don't you psychically command them to carry you up???????? AG: Oh my god that is a gr8 idea. Once again, leave it to Vriska to come up with the cre8tive solutions. AT: i WOULDN'T REALLY, AT: WANT TO MAKE THEM DO THAT, AT: i JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, wHY, AT: wE CAN'T DO THIS THE EASY WAY, AG: What good would that do you? AG: Whatever the purpose of this game is, it makes you work hard for it! AG: That way you 8ecome stronger along the way and you are 8etter prepared for whatever's next. AG: Remem8er when we used to flarp together???????? It was the exact same principle. And that's why you were always outmatched! You were too soft and not well prepared. AG: Nothing comes easy, Tavros. That is why we go through the trials in the 8rooding caverns when we are young. AG: To make sure we are strong when we come out! AG: Do you remem8er the trials, Tavros? AT: nOT VERY WELL, nO, AG: Well, I do, and they were a 8itch. AG: 8ut now that I think a8out it, it would make perfect sense if your trials were really easy 8y some mistake. AG: That is why you are such a soggy phlegm sponge, and why you got picked 8y such a sad, frail little lusus! AT: }:( AG: 8ut that's ok, it pro8a8ly wasn't your fault. Just a 8ad 8r8k! AG: You're lucky you have me as a server player, so I can challenge you and help you get strong. AG: Now hop out of that seat and get clim8ing! I will deliver the device to you once you are at the top. AG: Clim8, Pupa! AG: Cliiiiiiiiim8! AT: mAYBE i SHOULD ASK TINKERBULL ABOUT THIS, AT: hE'S REALLY SMART, nOW THAT HE CAN TALK, AG: No!!!!!!!! AG: You don't need help from your lame 8ull fairy. He is only holding you 8ack. AT: hE'S MY FRIEND, AG: God. Pathetic. AG: This is getting frustrating. AG: Why did I have to get stuck with the cripple? Just my luck. AG: Do you have any idea how inconvenient this is? Do you have any sympathy for what I'm dealing with here? AT: uHH, AG: You're so inconsider8. You just sit there looking smug. It's infuri8ing to look at you. AG: You haven't even thanked me! Or apologized for that matter!!!!!!!! AG: uHHHHHHHH THANKS VRISKA, fOR sAVING UHH MY LIFE, AG: uMMMMM IT SURE WAS 8RAVE AND HEROIC AND PRETTY OF YOU, AG: aLSO uMMM dUHHH,,,, uMMM,,, i AM SORRY FROM THE 8OTTOM OF MY NOOK,,,,,,,,,, AG: Seriously, how hard would that have 8een? AT: oKAY, AT: tHANKS, i GUESS, AT: bUT, AT: sORRY FOR WHAT, AG: For 8eing crippled, you ass! AT: yOU WANT ME TO APOLOGIZE, AT: fOR BEING PARALYZED, AG: Yes. AG: Say you're sorry. AT: i DON'T MEAN TO BE RUDE, oR bORING, AT: bUT THAT'S RIDICULOUS, gIVEN, AT: uH, tHE CIRCUMSTANCES, AG: 8ullshit! AG: It's something called 8asic decency and civility you fudge8looded 8oor. AG: Now get down on your useless wo88ly knees and apologize. AT: nO, i DON'T WANT TO, AG: >::::O
|PESTERLOG|
AG: Hey, what's your deal! AG: Shouldn't you 8e helping me out of this jam instead of fussing with my plum8ing???????? GA: Just Presenting A Floating Reminder That Tavros Will Need Plenty Of Inclined Surfaces For His Ascent AG: That's silly. I made so many ramps, you wouldn't even 8elieve it. AG: I specifically decided I wanted to 8uild something ugly and 8oring. It is now the land of ramps and yawns. GA: Hes Reported Otherwise AG: That lousy snitch! May8e I should take his computer away so he can't go crying to fussyfangs anymore. GA: Maybe I Should Upend This Load Gaper Over Your Head AG: No, don't! GA: Im Still Learning The Interface GA: It Could Happen Accidentally At Any Moment AG: I'm only trying to help him. ::::( GA: Think Of Another Way To Help AG: Fine. AG: I'll do something NICE. AG: I have an idea. I will 8e right 8ack. AG: And for the record, I was going to do this anyway! I was just trying to make him a 8etter player first. GA: Ok AG: In the meantime, how a8out I serve my client player the way I think is 8est, and you can do the same for yours???????? GA: Hmm GA: I Thought I Was
You make your way down to one of your innumerable LOOT STRONGHOLDS where you stash riches and gold and jewels and prizes plundered during your campaigns.
There they are. Your ROCKET BOOTS. You must confess you will find favor with just about any kind of footwear as long as it is bright red. You would wear these striking boots even if they were broken pieces of junk!
But as it happens they work just fine and they are awesome.
|PESTERLOG|
AT: yESSSS, aNOTHER PIECE FITS, AT: wE ARE MAKING SOME STRICT PROGRESS ON THIS PUZZLE, AG: Oh. That's cool I guess. AT: sO WHERE DO YOU THINK, iS THE NEXT ONE, AG: Um, I don't know? Pro8a8ly 8uried in the stupid sand somewhere like all the others. AT: oKAY, THAT'S MOSTLY WHAT i WAS THINKING TOO, bUT, AT: iT SUDDENLY DOESN'T SOUND LIKE YOU THINK THE PUZZLE IS COOL, AG: The puzzle sucks! All these puzzles suck. AG: If I have to help you put one more dum8 sla8 of 8oring rock into another stupid wall indent8tion I am going to put an indent8tion in my desk with my f8ce. AT: bUT IT, uHH, AT: iT LOOKS LIKE A FROG, AT: aND THAT'S KIND OF FUN, AG: Snore. These puzzles are for wigglers. I solved way 8etter puzzles than this in my heyday as Mindfang. AG: Oh look some ruins. Oh look another mysterious recess in the wall! I wonder if something fits in there???????? AG: It pro8a8ly just opens a secret passage to more wall indent8tions. I am so over this puzzle. AT: uHH, bUT, AT: tHEY ARE NECESSARY TO SOLVE, aREN'T THEY, AT: tO FIND NEW MAGIC ARTIFACTS AND THINGS, aND LEARN MORE ABOUT THE LORE OF THIS LAND, AG: Tavros, let me let you in on a little secret a8out the lore of your land. AG: It's 8oring!!!!!!!! AT: }:o AG: The minds of your consorts are very soft and impressiona8le. AG: As easily manipul8ed as all those imps you've 8een 8ossing around. AG: I have picked apart their tiny little lizard 8rains and seen through all the smoke and mirrors of their riddles. AG: I have gotten to the truth they are guarding. The great 8ig mystery 8ehind this planet. And you know what it is, Tavros? AT: nO, AG: It's 8ullshit! AG: Meaningless, 8oring, fanciful 8ullshit wrapped in flowery poems to keep you guessing. AG: It all leads to one thing anyway, and that's what we should put our attention on. AG: Real gamers cut to the chase. They power through all the nonsense and go for the gold. AG: They cheat, Tavros. AG: It is time you learned to start cheating. AT: i THOUGHT, i KIND OF WAS CHEATING, AT: bY MAKING FRIENDS WITH MONSTERS, AG: Well, it's a good start. You are 8ending the rules and getting stuff done. AG: Ok I will admit, I am fairly impressed with your progress so far. Even though you still pro8a8ly haven't even killed a single enemy!!!!!!! AT: uMM, AG: No, don't 8other. I know you haven't. AG: 8ut may8e that's ok. May8e it's just your style, and your real strength is surrounding yourself with allies who are much stronger than you. AG: Like me! AG: I'm sure there is more than one way up the echeladder. In your case pro8a8ly the only way is to roll gently up the echeramp. AG: The path of the invalid. AT: yEAH, i AGREE, AG: 8ut I think it's time to stop fucking around! You need to 8e challenged more. AG: I have 8een designing a quest for you that should test your true limits. AT: oHH, AT: iS THAT WHAT YOU WERE DOING, aLL THIS TIME, AG: Yes. AT: i MEAN, nOT THAT i DON'T, AT: aPPRECIATE IT, BUT, AT: dON'T YOU HAVE YOUR OWN QUEST TO DO, AG: Yeah, well, after she got me in the game, Kanaya just left me in the lurch, pro8a8ly 8ecause she's dealing with her own crisis now. AG: Which is just as well 8ecause I was starting to get nannied HARD. You wouldn't even 8elieve it. AT: nANNIED, AG: So I had some time to kill. AG: I drew you a map! AT: wHOAAA, AG: Here, take a look. AG: It marks what will 8e your new destination. Where you will find the ultim8 challenge.
|PESTERLOG|
AT: wHERE DOES IT GO, AG: I have determined from your consorts that there is a terri8le monster deep underground. AG: It guards a hoard of treasure 8igger than either of us can imagine! AG: It is called a denizen, and it is the 8oss of your whole planet. AG: Tavros, you will go and face your denizen. AT: wON'T THAT BE, AT: tOO DIFFICULT, AG: It will 8e the most powerful adversary you have ever met. AG: 8ut you can handle it. I 8elieve in you! AT: uM, tHANKS, AT: i MEAN, i RESPECT THAT YOU HAVE LOTS OF, AT: pIRATEY BRAVADO ABOUT STUFF, aND YOU TYPE FAST ABOUT IT, AT: bUT i THINK THIS IS FOOLISH AND NOT SENSIBLE, AT: i WILL PROBABLY JUST GET KILLED, rEALISTICALLY, AG: May8e! That is the risk you take 8y 8eing a 8rave adventurer. AG: 8ut it is a good opportunity to apply your cunning. AG: May8e you can rally a huge army to 8end to your will and overwhelm the monster???????? Who knows! It is up to you. AG: This is it, Tavros. It is time to sink or swim. AT: i SHOULD GET kANAYA'S ADVICE, AT: oR MAYBE kARKAT SINCE HE IS THE LEADER, AG: No!!!!!!!! AG: Oh god, every time. Always going and getting to others to 8ail you out. AG: Anyway, Kanaya is missing in action, and Karkat has his head up his nook with his new sta88y h8friend. AG: Neither can help you. AT: iT'S JUST HARD TO FIGURE OUT, AT: iF YOU REALLY THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA STRATEGICALLY, AT: oR IF IT'S JUST MORE OF THE THING, wHERE YOU HARASS ME BUT SOUND EXCITED ABOUT IT, AG: Tavros, I know no8ody 8elieves me a8out this, pro8a8ly not even a gulli8le dope like you. AG: 8ut I actually care a8out your advancement as a player. AG: Everything I have done has 8een to make you stronger! AT: oKAY, AT: i STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE, aBOUT THAT, AG: Ugh, you are useless! AG: I'm done talking a8out this. Now shut up and point that cherry vehicle of yours toward the X on that map. AG: Next stop, g8 seven. Let's go. AT: uHHHHHH, AG: This isn't optional. You know very well that I can make you go to that g8 whether you want to or not! AG: 8ut I would rather it not have to come to that. AG: What will it 8e? AG: Advance or advance? AT: oKAY, AT: i WILL GO, AG: Oh one last thing. AG: Equip your 8oy-Skylark outfit. AG: This will 8e Pupa's last stand! AG: I mean sit. AG: Hahahahahahahaha.
It appears Pupa Pan himself has flown through your window while you were asleep. How exciting! Surely he is here to take you away on the adventure of a lifetime. He is more dreamy and heroic than you ever imagined.
But what's this?? It seems the legendary Boy-Skylark has misplaced his shadow. He is looking EVERYWHERE for it, to no avail. He is having a devil of a time, what with being paralyzed from the waist down and all. He clearly needs your help.
Pupa! You truly are a silly goose. Your shadow has been trapped underneath your useless torso the whole time! Honestly, where else would it be you stupid sack of shit?
Of course, the secret to reuniting with your shadow is to get up and walk around. And play and dance and frolic! Your shadow will surely join in your gaiety.
But it appears Pupa has lost the use of his legs. There will be no frolicking in this young man's future. ::::(
Everyone knows that just a pinch of SPECIAL STARDUST along with a happy thought will allow any boy to get up and walk again. Everyone knows this because it is in the classic tale, PUPA PAN. Young Pupa flies through the window of a fairy girl's respiteblock, falls on the floor, and has trouble getting up like an enormous pansy. The fairy girl then helps him walk again, and in return, he teaches her to fly, even though she probably already knows how to fly. Because she's a fairy. They fly out of her window together, and have magical adventures for many sweeps thereafter.
To be honest, you hardly know a damn thing about Pupa Pan. But you do not care.
Pupa remains as pathetic and useless as ever. The stardust did nothing! Probably because it is just glittery powder with no magical properties whatsoever and is basically bullshit. Because in case it wasn't clear, magic isn't real, and neither are miracles.
OR
It could just be that Pupa has failed to have a happy thought!
Your duty is clear. You will have to MAKE him have happy thoughts.
The problem is that when the subject of troll romance is broached, our sparing human intellects instantly assume the most ingratiating posture of surrender imaginable.
But we will do our best to understand regardless.
Humans have only one form of romance. And though we consider it a complicated subject, spanning a wide range of emotions, social conventions, and implications for reproduction, it is ultimately a superficial slice of what trolls consider the full body of romantic experience. Our concept of romance, in spite of its capacity to fill our art and literature and to rule our individual destinies like little else, is still just that. A single, linear concept. A concept usually denoted by a single symbol.
<3
Troll romance is more complicated than that. Troll romance needs four symbols.
Their understanding of romance is divided into halves, and halved again, producing four quadrants: the FLUSHED QUADRANT, the CALIGINOUS QUADRANT, the PALE QUADRANT, and the ASHEN QUADRANT.
Each quadrant is grouped by the half they share, whether horizontally or vertically, depending on the overlapping properties one examines. The sharpest dichotomy, from an emotional perspective, is drawn between RED ROMANCE and BLACK ROMANCE.
RED ROMANCE, comprised of the flushed and pale quadrants, is a form of romance rooted in strongly positive emotions. BLACK ROMANCE, with its caliginous and ashen quadrants, is rooted in the strongly negative.
On the other hand, the vertical bifurcation has to do with the purpose of the relationship, regardless of the emotions behind it. Those quadrants which are CONCUPISCENT, the flushed and caliginous, have to do with facilitating the elaborate reproductive cycle of trolls. Those which are CONCILIATORY, the pale and ashen, would be more closely likened to platonic relationships by human standards.
There are many parallels between human relationships and the various facets of troll romance. Humans have words to describe relationships of a negative nature, or of a platonic nature. The difference is, for humans, those relationships would never be conceptually grouped with romance. Establishing those sort of relationships for humans is not driven by the same primal forces that drive our tendency to couple romantically. But for trolls, those primal forces involve themselves in the full palette of these relationships, red or black, torrid or friendly. Trolls typically feel strongly compelled to find balance in each quadrant, and seek gratifying relationships that each describes.
The challenge is particularly tortuous for young trolls, who must reconcile the wide range of contradictory emotions associated with this matrix, while understanding the nature of their various romantic urges for the first time.
Of course, young humans have this challenge too. But for trolls, the challenge is fourfold.
When two individuals find themselves in the flushed quadrant together, they are said to be MATESPRITS. Matespritship is the closest parallel to the human concept of romance trolls have. It plays a role in the trolls' reproductive cycle, just as it does for humans.
This is pretty obvious! Not much more needs to be said about this. Moving right along.
When a pair of adversaries delve into this quadrant, they become each other's KISMESIS. As one of the concupiscent quadrants, it plays a role in procreation as well. There is no particularly good human translation for this concept. The closest would be an especially potent arch-rivalry.
For instance, human players would never be able to adequately diagnose the relationship between the queen and her archagent. But troll players could immediately place it as a dead ringer for kismesissitude. They would think we were all pretty stupid for not getting it. And they would be right.
Trolls have a complicated reproductive cycle. It's probably best not to examine it in much detail.
The need to seek out concupiscent partners comes with more urgency than typical reproductive instincts. When the IMPERIAL DRONE comes knocking, you had better be able to supply genetic material to each of his FILIAL PAILS. If you have nothing to offer, he will kill you without hesitation.
The genetic material - WITHOUT GOING INTO MUCH DETAIL - is a combinative genetic mix from the matesprit and kismesis pairs, respectively. The pails are all offered to the mother grub, who can only receive such precombined material. She then combines all of it into one incestuous slurry, and begins her brooding.
This doesn't mean the initial combination was for naught, however. In the slurry, more dominant genes rise to the fore, while the more recessive find less representation in the brood. Especially strong matesprit and kismesis pairings yield more dominant genetic material. The more powerful the complement or potent the rivalry, the more dominant the genes.
TROLL REPRODUCTION SURE IS WEIRD. We all take a moment to lament how pedestrian the human reproductive system is, and further lament that the phrase "incestuous slurry" is not a feature of common parlance in human civilization.
This quadrant involves a particular type of three-way relationship of a black romantic nature. Falling on the conciliatory side, it has no bearing on the reproductive cycle, except for indirect ramifications.
When two trolls are locked in a feud or some otherwise contentious relationship, one can intervene and become their AUSPISTICE. The auspistice mediates between the two, playing the role of a peace keeper, preventing the feud from boiling over into a fully caliginous rivalry.
Since such lesser feuds are quite common among trolls, there is a significant need for auspisticing parties. Without them, too many ashen feuds would become caliginous, and begin to conflict with other exclusive kismesis relationships, leading to a great deal of social complexity and sore feelings (even more so than black romance usually involves). Without auspisticism, the result would be widespread black infidelity.
The relationships each quadrant describes tend to be malleable, if not volatile, especially on the concupiscent half where more torrid emotions reside. It doesn't take much to flip a switch and transmute blackrom feelings to redrom, and vice versa.
In many cases, one party will have red feelings while the other has black. But it will often be the case that one party's feelings will swap to match the other's, since there is no quadrant which naturally accommodates such a disparity. But thereafter, it's not uncommon for the two to toggle between red and black in unison now and then. These scenarios naturally result in both red and black infidelities.
This sort of relationship volatility is why conciliatory relationships are an important part of troll romance.
An auspistice can stabilize particularly turbulent relationships. If the auspistice fails to mediate properly, or has no interest in the role, or perhaps has different romantic intentions him/herself altogether, then the relationship often quickly deteriorates into one of an especially hostile and torrid nature. There are many outside factors and influences tugging and pulling these relationships in different directions, and unlike humans who have very orderly, simple, straightforward romantic relationships without exception, trolls exist in a state of almost perpetual confusion and generally have no idea what the hell is going on.
Being confused by troll relationships is one thing we do have in common though.
This quadrant presides over MOIRALLEGIENCE, the other conciliatory relationship. A reasonable human translation would be the concept of a soul mate, but in a more platonic sense, and with a more specific social purpose.
Trolls are a very angry and violent race. Some are more hot-tempered and dangerous than others, to the extent that if left to their own devices, they would present a serious threat to society, or even to themselves. Such trolls will have an instinctive pale attraction to a more even-tempered troll, who may become their MOIRAIL. The moirail is obliged to pacify the other, to function as the better half. The two partners in a strong pale relationship will serve to balance and complement each other's emotional profiles, and thus allow their other relationships to be more successful.
It's often ambiguous especially among young trolls whether a bond formed between an acquaintance is true moirallegence, or the usual variety of platonic involvement. Furthermore, romantic intentions of a more flushed nature can often be mistaken for paler leanings, much to the frustration of the suitor.
But some pale pairings, as the one above, will be strikingly obvious to all who know them.
God you just can't get enough of this can you! That would have been a great point for a transition out of this illustrated sociological study, but ok, if you insist.
Now see, what's going on here is...
It's perfectly simple. When the full matrix of troll romance is in action, we have... uh...
Hey, why don't you figure it out! You should be an expert on all this by now anyway.
Later our troll hero would try to explain this to our human hero, attempting to convey all the nuance of troll romance through a nearly verbatim recitation of the preceding excerpts.
He would try to describe how rich and textured the troll romantic comedies were compared to the one dimensional schlock of our human cinematic counterparts. He would barely scratch the surface of Troll Will Smith's virtuosity with the delicate lattice of troll romance, as he would assist the bumbling fudgeblooded Troll Kevin James through the interwoven minefield-briarpatch of redrom and blackrom entanglements, all the while sifting through his own prickly romantic situation and ultimately learning the true meaning of hate and pity. But would they succeed before the imperial drone came knocking with his thirsty pails at the ready??? Yes, they would.
But John didn't understand any of this because he's a moron, and he wouldn't shut up about his awful bullshit Earth movies. He would just go on and on and on about that garbage.
But if there was one theme to be hammered through his thick skull, it would be the trolls' cultural preoccupation with romantic destiny. Yes, the romantic landscape is rife with false starts and miscues and infidelities, red and black. But every troll believes strongly that each quadrant holds one and only one true pairing for them, and it is just a matter of time before the grid is filled with auspicious matchups through the mysterious channels of TROLL SERENDIPITY.
In short, their belief is that for each quadrant there exists a pair or triad of trolls somewhere in the cosmos that were...
Wow, another great transition. You wonder if it will stick this time. You have no choice but to take a stab at the rare and extremely dangerous 2x TRANSITION COMBO.
Flowing through your veins is nearly the richest blood the hemospectrum has to offer, penultimate on the scale. As such, you are a SEA DWELLER, a sub-race of troll distinct from the commoners by mutation and habitat, a caste which rules over the entire species.
But ruling, in your view, is not enough. You have an overpowering GENOCIDE COMPLEX, and have made it your sworn duty to KILL ALL LAND DWELLERS. You have amassed resources and deadly weaponry from around the world for this ambition through many sweeps of EXTREME ROLE PLAYING, while pursuing a working DOOMSDAY DEVICE which will bring armageddon to all those on the surface. Haven't had much luck with that, but maybe tonight's your night.
You hold a fascination for MILITARY HISTORY AND LEGENDARY CONQUERORS. You have dubiously modeled your profile and exploits after the most notorious figures and their stories, which are bristling with the GLORY OF VICTORY and the STING OF DEFEAT and POLITICAL MACHINATIONS and ROMANTIC INTRIGUE. It is an image you are careful to craft through EXAGGERATED EMOTIONAL THEATRICS, and your penchant for mass murder notwithstanding, people tend to regard you as a BIT OF A TOOL.
You also like MAGIC, even though you know it to be FAKE. Like a made up friend, the way wizards are. Made up make believe FAKEY FAKEY FAKES. It's still fun though.
Your trolltag is caligulasAquarium and you speak wwith a vvery wweird and sort of wwavvy soundin accent.
You hold off on doing anything for the moment on account of courtesy to fellow royalty.
You are also a SEA DWELLER. You have the most noble blood possible, the only of your kind known to possess it, and the only to share it with GL'BGOLYB, a deep sea monster also known as THE RIFT'S CARBUNCLE, EMISSARY TO THE HORRORTERRORS, or in more hushed tones, SPEAKER OF THE VAST GLUB.
This makes you the HEIR APPARENT for Alternian rulership, which ordinarily would place you in considerable jeopardy. HER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION would steer the flagship from the fleet and make an attempt on your life herself, if not for the protection of your monstrous lusus.
And if not forewarned of your race's extinction by the whispers of that lusus, you would have BIG PLANS FOR THE THRONE. All the plans. All of them.
You would redefine what it means to be CULLED in troll society. Under your rule it would mean caring for the unfit and infirm rather than exterminating them, and you have put this idea into practice by CULLING THE FAUNA OF THE DEEP. You tend to wild and beautiful AQUATIC HOOFBEASTS, grooming and feeding them daily. You capture and cage CUTTLEFISH by the thousands for their own good, and also because they are funny and colorful and you love them. They often swim through the bars of their cages, but that is fine. You run your whole palace as a sort of WILDLIFE ADOPTION FACILITY, even if the wildlife's need for care is dubious at best, and the practice really just amounts to an elaborate ROLE PLAYING SCENARIO. It's still fun though.
You would also look forward to using your reign to UNITE THE TWO RACES. You were told you would do this one day by your lusus, even if it does contradict her message of extinction. Oh well, you suppose NOT ALL PROPHECIES CAN COME TRUE.
Your trolltag is cuttlefishCuller and you )(ave a )(ard time not getting R-EALLY -EXCIT-ED ABOUT PRACTICALLY -EV-------ERYT)(ING!
|PESTERLOG|
caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC]
CA: fef CA: hey CC: ? CA: glub CC: Glub glub! CC: 38) CA: yeah CA: hm CC: W)(at is it!!! CA: wwhat CC: I am wondering if you can forego t)(e exaggerated emotional t)(eatrics for once and actually tell me w)(at's on your mind! CA: nothins on my mind wwhy cant i just fuckin talk and glub at you for a reason i dont havve CC: 38| CA: wwell fine but you dont wwant to hear it CC: Yes I do. CC: We are supposed to talk to eac)( ot)(er, t)(at is w)(at moirails are for. CA: uhuh wwhatevver CC: Glub glub glub glub siiiiig)(. CC: Will you take t)(e c)(ip off your nub and tell me w)(at's t)(e matter? CA: yeah wwell ok since wwe are the PALEST OF PALS A GUY COULD EVVER ASK FOR CA: i wwill tell you CA: evven though you wwill only humor me as usual since you dont agree wwith my agenda CA: any of my agendas really CA: none of the agendas CA: none of them CC: Are you fretting over anot)(er one of t)(ese dumb contraptions? CA: see CA: more condescension CA: you are goin to make a hell of an empress CC: No I'm not! But t)(at is beside t)(e point. CC: None of your plots to kill t)(e land dwellers ever work out, and every doomsday device you get your )(ands on turns out to be a piece of junk! CA: so CA: i got to keep tryin thats howw all the great military masterminds became great through upright persevverance CC: I t)(ink deep down you stack t)(ese plots against you so you fail because you know it's wrong. CA: it isnt wwrong CA: im not going to explain it to you again CA: at this point all you need to knoww is its important to me CA: and im doing it for us CA: i mean our kind CA: nobody understands not evven you CC: T)(is is t)(e last time I will say t)(is. CC: W-E AR-E NOT B-ETT-ER T)(AN ANYBODY!!!!! CC: GLUB. >38( CA: pshh CA: hemospectrum begs to differ CC: If you're as sickened by t)(em as you say, w)(y do you spend so muc)( time on land? CC: You can't )(ave t)(e sort of affinity for "our kind" t)(at you profess if you've only spent, w)(at... CC: A few days underwater, maybe? IN YOUR W)(OL-E LIF-E! CA: wwhatevver CA: i havve to keep an eye on em up here CA: its all about tactics CC: W)(at about your friends? Do you ever t)(ink about t)(em? CC: If t)(ey are beneat)( you t)(en t)(ey )(ave to die too. CC: And I know you like talking to some of t)(em. You say you )(ate t)(em but I t)(ink you are pretending! CA: history is full of cases wwhere conquerers consort wwith members of the enemy in a mannerly wway before wwipin them out CA: evven goin as far as growwin fond a some CA: its only civvilized CC: Mmm )(mm. CC: I )(ave a fis)(y feeling... CC: T)(at t)(is stupid doomsday mac)(ine t)(ing is just anot)(er excuse to consort! CC: Wit)( someone in particular... CA: all your feelins are fishy CC: 38P CA: GLUBGLUBGLUBGLUBGLUBGLUB CC: 38O CC: DON'T YOU GLUB IN T)(AT TON-E OF GLUB WIT)( M-E MIST-ER! CA: ill glub in wwhatevver dumbass bubbly soundin fishnoise i wwant to glub CC: O)( S)(IT, you are angling for SO MUC)( TROUBL-E NOW. CA: ok please lets just not get into the wwhole fuckin fish pun thing again ok CA: like wwe get it wwe are nautically themed CC: )(-E)(-E ok. 38) CA: but yeah i dunno CA: i dont knoww wwhy she ignores me i guess shes just bored wwith me CA: wwe had it all set up for her to givve me this thing tonight that probably doesnt evven wwork but yeah maybe that wwasnt the point CA: i mean you think wwe havve a pretty good rivvalry goin right CA: or at least had CA: it wwas pretty fuckin bitter and contentious for a wwhile there and there wwas some good chemistry i dont knoww wwhat happened CC: Um, I guess? CC: I wouldn't really know. CC: Sometimes people just drift away I t)(ink, or just aren't as into t)(e quadrant as t)(e ot)(er wants to be. CC: So you really t)(ink your feelings for )(er run t)(at dark? CA: it doesnt matter like i said shes bored shitless CA: i guess im not as good a advversary as i thought CC: T)(at is so ridiculous, any girl would be lucky to )(ave a kismesis as diabolical as you, especially T)(AT one. CC: W)(o knows w)(at )(er problem is! S)(e )(as issues. CA: ehhh CA: wwell ok thanks for sayin so CC: You know, I'm not sure w)(y we never talk about our romantic aspirations. CC: We s)(ould more often. It is kind of -EXCITING! CA: shrug CC: Probably because you fill your gossip quota wit)( your nubby )(orned bro. CC: You leave not)(ing left to talk about wit)( your dear sweet moirail! CC: We are supposed to )(elp eac)( ot)(er wit)( t)(at stuff too, remember. CA: maybe CA: seems kinda CA: odd though CC: Your stupid fis)(y face is w)(at's odd! CC: )(AV-E YOU -EV-ER T)(OUG)(T ABOUT T)(AT?? CA: fine CA: wwell those are my stupid feelins wwhat about yours CA: seems to me like you get along too wwell wwith evverybody to be harborin any black sentiments CC: Um... CC: Yea)(. I can't t)(ink of anybody I feel t)(at way about. 38\ CC: Maybe I am just not old enoug)( to )(ave t)(ose feelings yet? We are still pretty young you know. CA: yeah CC: So ok. T)(ose are your black leanings. CC: W)(at about R-ED, ------Eridan??? CC: )(MMMMM??????? 38D CA: oh god CC: Is t)(ere a lucky lady you are waxing scarlet for? CC: OR LUCKY F-ELLOW??? 38O CA: uh CC: Tell me! CC: Don't pretend you're all -EMBARRASS-ED SUDD-ENLY!!! CA: ok fef CA: this is NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS CC: 38o CA: i gotta go CA: be back later wwhen its time to play
Another emotionally exhausting conversation. Too many FEELINGS AND PROBLEMS. It couldn't be any clearer to you. You and this sea princess have splashed down hard into the moirail zone, and now you don't know which way's upward. Perhaps tonight you will reveal your true feelings toward her, and end these exaggerated emotional theatrics once and for all, one way or another.
You need a stiff drink.
But... ugh. Not this swill. You're not THAT desperate.
You pay a visit to what the common land dwellers refer to as a THERMAL HULL, instead of the more aristocratic and especially esoteric and alien sounding term, a REFRIGERATOR.
Another emotionally exhausting conversation. Too many FEELINGS AND PROBLEMS. That guy. Talk about a high maintenance moirail. Perhaps tonight you will reveal your true feelings toward him, and end these exaggerated emotional theatrics one way or another.
You decide to unwind and take your mind off the drama for a while before starting the game. You nearly forgot this is going to be an exciting night. Everything you are about to do next is exciting. It is always exciting. You are excited.
You unequip <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/psi.gif" border="0" />DON'S ENTENTE, a golden DOUBLE CULLING FORK, a legendary weapon reserved for royalty, and generally only used for ceremonial purposes.
You unequip AHAB'S CROSSHAIRS, which is YET ANOTHER legendary weapon, about as powerful as your KIND ABSTRATUS will allow.
You plundered it from a ghost ship during a particularly challenging campaign. It was the same old gamblignant's ship from which your accomplice at the time also plundered a set of extraordinarily powerful dice.
You almost feel sorry for the adversaries you will face tonight. They will likely pose neither team much challenge at all. Unless one of the links in the prototyping chain includes something especially huge and monstrous, but really, what are the odds of that happening?
On the subject of your old accomplice/rival, you guess you'll try talking to her one more time, even though you know she won't answer. You know she is bored shitless with you and your drama. You are almost starting not to care about this stupid doomsday device which probably won't even work. She probably KNOWS you know it won't work. She has probably put all the pieces together and knows it was an elaborate ruse to be in cahoots with her again.
And she just went along with it playing you for a chump.
But it wasn't that long ago that you were the hottest iron. At the height of your prowess as seagrifts, Marquise Mindfang and Orphaner Dualscar were in alliance an unmatched terror, and in competition, unbridled tempest. Either way, spoils were typically traded and shared. No levels were left for anyone else to gain. None of the levels.
In truth, it would be all too easy to solve the land dweller problem once and for all. You'd just need to lighten up on the feeding schedule for a while. Maybe you'd be a little too busy to bother with that hassle for once? Or maybe you could happen to be off your game for a spell? It happens, even to the best sometimes.
But nah. It would make her upset.
More emotions. More problems. That's all you need.
|PESTERLOG|
cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]
CC: W)()()()()(-E-E-E-E-EW. CA: fef are you in CC: Yea)(... CA: that took forevver CA: i wwas gettin wworried kinda CC: Yes, it was a pretty close call, and got kind of complicated. CC: But Sollux finally came t)(roug)(, and now I believe t)(e full c)(ain is complete! CA: man that guy CA: hes a fuckin drama machine it is fuckin pathetic CC: YOUR STUPID FIS)(Y FAC-E IS T)(-E DRAMA MAC)(IN-E T)(AT DO-ES NOT)(ING BUT W)(IN-E AND GLUB. CC: 38P CA: fuck SORRY CC: Anyway you s)(ouldn't say t)(at about )(im, )(e is a )(ero and )(e saved my life. CA: yeah sorry CA: i wwas just really wworried and stressed out i thought you wwere dead CA: and i didnt evven get to thank you for savvin my life or really for anythin CA: and i just spent all this time here wworryin and thinkin about stuff CA: and i decided i havve something i wwant to tell you CA: that ivve been meaning to get off my nub for a wwhile noww CC: O)(, really? CC: T)(at's good! Actually, I )(ave somet)(ing I )(ave been meaning to say to you too. CA: wwhoa really CA: uh CA: wwhat is it CA: you go first CC: Mm, okay. CC: But t)(is isn't easy to say! CA: yeah i knoww CA: its ok maybe i wwill understand more than you think CA: wwe might evven be sayin the same thing CC: Okay, I )(ope so. CC: I t)(ink... CC: Now t)(at we are bot)( in t)(is game, and )(ave left our world be)(ind... CC: And you can no longer pose t)(e danger to our people t)(at you )(ad always planned to... CC: I t)(ink it is not really necessary for me to be your moirail anymore. CA: wwhoa CA: wwait CA: wwhat CC: 38( CC: I am really sorry, -Eridan. It )(as just been so )(ard looking after you and keeping you out of trouble! CC: It )(as taken its toll, and )(onestly I am really ex)(austed. CA: fuck CA: this isnt what CA: i dont knoww i wwasnt expectin this at all CA: im not sure i can handle this CC: I'm sorry!!! 38'( CC: It will be t)(e best for bot)( of us. We can just sort of be... CC: Regular friends instead. CA: no CA: please dont CA: look im bein serious here dont do this CA: i wont even use my weird accent while i type ok so you know im bein really dead serious and honest about this CC: Uh... CC: Okay, I am being serious and honest too. SEE? CA: ok good CA: are you sure you arent bein hasty about this youve just been through a lot CA: i mean we are supposed to be fated to be moirails arent we CA: isnt that how it works CA: you cant just throw all that away cause youre sick of me CC: I am not sick of you, Eridan! I still really like you. CC: In order to be destined for moirallegience, both people have to be on board, don't you think? CC: But I cannot do it anymore. So I think it just wasn't meant to be all along. CC: And really, you just don't need me anymore. You are free to do as you wish! We both are. CC: I can't look after you anymore. CA: I DIDNT EVER NEED ANYONE TO LOOK AFTER ME CA: i was totally fuckin fine my ambitions were noble CA: and really none of your fuckin business QUITE FRANKLY your majesty CA: and the only reason i put up with stickin my flipper in this fuckin shithole quadrant with you was CC: Was what? CA: nevermind CC: Tell me! CA: ok fine CA: i apologize for losin my shit over this i was just caught off guard is all CA: but maybe its a good thing really CA: actually i might a been proposin the same thing to be honest CC: Oh? CA: yeah CA: fef have you thought about CA: since you dont wanna be pale with me no more CA: the possibility a some other type of arrangement with me CC: What do you mean? CA: i mean CA: somethin a bit more CA: kinda reddish CA: like CA: brighter red CC: 38O CC: No, I hadn't thought about it! CA: ok well what do you think about it CA: now that youre thinkin about it CC: Um... CC: I really don't know about that. CA: why not i thought you said you liked me CC: I do! But I don't know if it's really in that way. CA: couldnt it be though CA: dont you think theres room in your collapsin and expandin bladder based aquatic vascular system for those feelins CC: I've never had a chance to consider anything like that! I have just spent all my time worrying about you and trying to keep you from killing everybody or hurting yourself. CC: It took all my energy. CC: I don't think I have anything left for those feelings either. CA: oh god CC: What? CA: im the biggest fuckin idiot who ever lived CA: i cant BELIEVE i just opened up to you like a chump when i knew what was comin CA: i am one sad fuckin brinesucker CA: overemotional sappy trash youre right im not better than anybody CA: im worse than anybody CA: EVERYBODY CA: all the bodies CC: STOP!!!!!!!!!!! CC: God. CC: Will you just clam up for once in your life? CC: Always carping and carping and carping! CC: You go completely overboard with your emotions, always looking to reel in drama wherever you can. CC: I am up to my gills in it! I just can't salmon the strength anemonemore. CA: i cannot CA: BELIEVE CA: you are doin the fish pun thing while youre breakin up with me CA: real nice CA: whoops i mean REEL nice CC: HEHEHE, sorry. CC: But really, this shouldn't be as bad as it sounds. CC: When all is said and done, I am still your friend. CC: We have left our world behind. Everyone is dead, and there's no use in worrying about it now. CC: It's over! It is time to play this game and focus on building something new and ------EXCITING. CC: So )(ang in t)(ere, -Eridan. CC: I )(ave to go now! Sollux is in serious trouble, and I )(ave to go )(elp )(im. CC: BY------------------------E! CA: wwait CA: dont go
|PESTERLOG|
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]
CG: BRO ARE YOU OK. CG: HEY CG: OH GOD CG: WHAT HAVE I DONE. CG: SOLLUX? CG: PLEASE TELL ME THAT'S JUST HONEY. CG: PLEASE JUST BE HONEY PLEASE JUST BE HONEY PLEASE JUST BE HONEY CG: HAHA, OK, MAKE-BELIEVE TIME IS OVER! CG: OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD
|PESTERLOG|
caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]
CA: gam i need to talk to kar wwhere is he he isnt answwerin TC: He's bUsY BeInG SlApPeD MoThErFuCkIn sEnSeLeSs bY ThE GuY WhO LiKeS KnIvEs TC: BuT I CaN ReLaY WhAt mEsSaGe yOu gOt, My bRoThEr CA: i dont feel comfortable wwith that CA: i havve some serious feelins and problems here and i need some advvice TC: HaHa, YeAh i fEeL YoU, hE'S PrEtTy wOrKeD Up tOo CA: wwhy TC: BeCaUsE OuR GoOd bRo sOlLuX JuSt kIcKeD ThE WiCkEd mOtHeRfUcKiN ShIt CA: wwhat the fuck do you mean by that CA: are you sayin hes dead TC: YeAh :o( CA: oh fuck CA: oh god fuck noww i feel like an asshole TC: YeAh i'd sAy tHaT An aSsHoLe iS ThE ThInG ThAt jUsT AbOuT WhAt eVeRyBoDy fEeLs lIkE TC: KaRkAt bLaMeS HiMsElF On iT, pOoR MoThErFuCkEr TC: BuT I ToLd hIm tO Be cHiLl TC: BeCaUsE ThErE Is a mIrAcLe cOmInG, i cAn fEeL It CA: that is the wworst fuckin advvice CA: wwhat an awwful thing a you to say CA: MAGIC ISNT REAL STUPID STOP BELIEVVIN IN IT TC: i'Ve gOt tO BeLiEvE At wHaT My hEaRt tElLs iN Me, EvEn iF It's a fAkE ThInG TC: HoNk CA: this is a lot a pointless fuckin rubbish and isnt no emotional help to him or me either for that matter CA: put kar on TC: UuUuH, i cAn't rEaLlY ThInK AbOuT InTeRvEnInG, tHe bLaCk fRoWnInG MoThErFuCkEr kInDa sCaReS Me TC: ArE YoU SuRe i cAn't hElP A bRoThEr Up iNtO HiS MoThErFuCkIn cHiLl? CA: i dont knoww CA: it probably doesnt matter CA: my feelins seem petty and meaninless noww CA: she had better things to wworry about than my ovverwwrought bullshit CA: like the dead guy wwho savved her CA: so forget it thanks anywway TC: BrO My aDvIcE Is yOu jUsT KiCk bAcK AnD MoThErFuCkIn sNaP InTo sOmE RuDe eLiXiR AnD MaYbE GeT YoUr wIcKeD ZoNe oN TC: ThErE I SaId mY PeAcE CA: wwhat the FUCK are you fuckin babblin about TC: SnAtCh aN IcEcOlD, dOg TC: MoThErFuCkIn cHuG ThAt sHiT LiKe yOu aNd tHe bOtTlE WaS ReUnItEd lOvErS CA: are you recommendin a bevverage to me or somethin CA: is that wwhat this is TC: YeAh mAn SlAm A FaYgO CA: i dont havve a fuckin faygo you stupid fuck wwhy wwould i keep that disgusting shit on hand TC: ArE YoU MoThErFuCkIn sUrE AbOuT ThAt? CA: oh CA: oh god youre right i do CA: i totally forgot about it TC: YoU SeE MaN TC: MoThEr TC: FuCkIn TC: MiRaClEs TC: :o)
It is like I am the kid from the Never Ending Story. I was chased by some bullies into this fucking attic and now I am watching people watching people watching more people kissing and stuff basically forever. How many metalayers removed this story can we get??
This attic is spooky. I wish those bullies would just leave me alone.
Later I am going to ride a long magic dog through the sky and fuck their shit up.
No, this is MY LIFE we're talking about here. Bullies. Wolves. Musty attics. Huge spiders. Did I mention the spiders? Let me tell you, I got HELLA spiders up in this...
Fuck, this horn fell off. Dammit. Piece of shit. Wonder if there's any glue in here... oh screw it.
Do you have any idea how much power I wield over you?? To what extent I can RUIN the shit you step in with that squeaky clean sunday loafer you use to stomp that bookmark and stamp that F5 key, day goddamn in and day fucking out??? Do you possess even the most infinitesimal kernel of cognizance for the degree to which I can make the shorn, shivering weasel that is the totem spirit representing your wretched fascination with this website squeal in heartrending remorse????
It would be so easy! I could snap my gray smudgy fingers RIGHT NOW, and make you read all the troll romance exposition segments all over again, BACK TO BACK TO BACK TO BACK TO BACK TO BACK.
The problem is that when the subject of troll romance is broached, our sparing human intellects instantly assume the most ingratiating posture of surrender imaginable.
But we will do our best to understand regardless.
Humans have only one form of romance. And though we consider it a complicated subject, spanning a wide range of emotions, social conventions, and implications for reproduction, it is ultimately a superficial slice of what trolls consider the full body of romantic experience. Our concept of romance, in spite of its capacity to fill our art and literature and to rule our individual destinies like little else, is still just that. A single, linear concept. A concept usually denoted by a single symbol.
<3
Troll romance is more complicated than that. Troll romance needs four symbols.
Their understanding of romance is divided into halves, and halved again, producing four quadrants: the FLUSHED QUADRANT, the CALIGINOUS QUADRANT, the PALE QUADRANT, and the ASHEN QUADRANT.
Each quadrant is grouped by the half they share, whether horizontally or vertically, depending on the overlapping properties one examines. The sharpest dichotomy, from an emotional perspective, is drawn between RED ROMANCE and BLACK ROMANCE.
RED ROMANCE, comprised of the flushed and pale quadrants, is a form of romance rooted in strongly positive emotions. BLACK ROMANCE, with its caliginous and ashen quadrants, is rooted in the strongly negative.
On the other hand, the vertical bifurcation has to do with the purpose of the relationship, regardless of the emotions behind it. Those quadrants which are CONCUPISCENT, the flushed and caliginous, have to do with facilitating the elaborate reproductive cycle of trolls. Those which are CONCILIATORY, the pale and ashen, would be more closely likened to platonic relationships by human standards.
There are many parallels between human relationships and the various facets of troll romance. Humans have words to describe relationships of a negative nature, or of a platonic nature. The difference is, for humans, those relationships would never be conceptually grouped with romance. Establishing those sort of relationships for humans is not driven by the same primal forces that drive our tendency to couple romantically. But for trolls, those primal forces involve themselves in the full palette of these relationships, red or black, torrid or friendly. Trolls typically feel strongly compelled to find balance in each quadrant, and seek gratifying relationships that each describes.
The challenge is particularly tortuous for young trolls, who must reconcile the wide range of contradictory emotions associated with this matrix, while understanding the nature of their various romantic urges for the first time.
Of course, young humans have this challenge too. But for trolls, the challenge is fourfold.
When two individuals find themselves in the flushed quadrant together, they are said to be MATESPRITS. Matespritship is the closest parallel to the human concept of romance trolls have. It plays a role in the trolls' reproductive cycle, just as it does for humans.
This is pretty obvious! Not much more needs to be said about this. Moving right along.
When a pair of adversaries delve into this quadrant, they become each other's KISMESIS. As one of the concupiscent quadrants, it plays a role in procreation as well. There is no particularly good human translation for this concept. The closest would be an especially potent arch-rivalry.
For instance, human players would never be able to adequately diagnose the relationship between the queen and her archagent. But troll players could immediately place it as a dead ringer for kismesissitude. They would think we were all pretty stupid for not getting it. And they would be right.
Trolls have a complicated reproductive cycle. It's probably best not to examine it in much detail.
The need to seek out concupiscent partners comes with more urgency than typical reproductive instincts. When the IMPERIAL DRONE comes knocking, you had better be able to supply genetic material to each of his FILIAL PAILS. If you have nothing to offer, he will kill you without hesitation.
The genetic material - WITHOUT GOING INTO MUCH DETAIL - is a combinative genetic mix from the matesprit and kismesis pairs, respectively. The pails are all offered to the mother grub, who can only receive such precombined material. She then combines all of it into one incestuous slurry, and begins her brooding.
This doesn't mean the initial combination was for naught, however. In the slurry, more dominant genes rise to the fore, while the more recessive find less representation in the brood. Especially strong matesprit and kismesis pairings yield more dominant genetic material. The more powerful the complement or potent the rivalry, the more dominant the genes.
TROLL REPRODUCTION SURE IS WEIRD. We all take a moment to lament how pedestrian the human reproductive system is, and further lament that the phrase "incestuous slurry" is not a feature of common parlance in human civilization.
This quadrant involves a particular type of three-way relationship of a black romantic nature. Falling on the conciliatory side, it has no bearing on the reproductive cycle, except for indirect ramifications.
When two trolls are locked in a feud or some otherwise contentious relationship, one can intervene and become their AUSPISTICE. The auspistice mediates between the two, playing the role of a peace keeper, preventing the feud from boiling over into a fully caliginous rivalry.
Since such lesser feuds are quite common among trolls, there is a significant need for auspisticing parties. Without them, too many ashen feuds would become caliginous, and begin to conflict with other exclusive kismesis relationships, leading to a great deal of social complexity and sore feelings (even more so than black romance usually involves). Without auspisticism, the result would be widespread black infidelity.
The relationships each quadrant describes tend to be malleable, if not volatile, especially on the concupiscent half where more torrid emotions reside. It doesn't take much to flip a switch and transmute blackrom feelings to redrom, and vice versa.
In many cases, one party will have red feelings while the other has black. But it will often be the case that one party's feelings will swap to match the other's, since there is no quadrant which naturally accommodates such a disparity. But thereafter, it's not uncommon for the two to toggle between red and black in unison now and then. These scenarios naturally result in both red and black infidelities.
This sort of relationship volatility is why conciliatory relationships are an important part of troll romance.
An auspistice can stabilize particularly turbulent relationships. If the auspistice fails to mediate properly, or has no interest in the role, or perhaps has different romantic intentions him/herself altogether, then the relationship often quickly deteriorates into one of an especially hostile and torrid nature. There are many outside factors and influences tugging and pulling these relationships in different directions, and unlike humans who have very orderly, simple, straightforward romantic relationships without exception, trolls exist in a state of almost perpetual confusion and generally have no idea what the hell is going on.
Being confused by troll relationships is one thing we do have in common though.
This quadrant presides over MOIRALLEGIENCE, the other conciliatory relationship. A reasonable human translation would be the concept of a soul mate, but in a more platonic sense, and with a more specific social purpose.
Trolls are a very angry and violent race. Some are more hot-tempered and dangerous than others, to the extent that if left to their own devices, they would present a serious threat to society, or even to themselves. Such trolls will have an instinctive pale attraction to a more even-tempered troll, who may become their MOIRAIL. The moirail is obliged to pacify the other, to function as the better half. The two partners in a strong pale relationship will serve to balance and complement each other's emotional profiles, and thus allow their other relationships to be more successful.
It's often ambiguous especially among young trolls whether a bond formed between an acquaintance is true moirallegence, or the usual variety of platonic involvement. Furthermore, romantic intentions of a more flushed nature can often be mistaken for paler leanings, much to the frustration of the suitor.
But some pale pairings, as the one above, will be strikingly obvious to all who know them.
God you just can't get enough of this can you! That would have been a great point for a transition out of this illustrated sociological study, but ok, if you insist.
Now see, what's going on here is...
It's perfectly simple. When the full matrix of troll romance is in action, we have... uh...
Hey, why don't you figure it out! You should be an expert on all this by now anyway.
Later our troll hero would try to explain this to our human hero, attempting to convey all the nuance of troll romance through a nearly verbatim recitation of the preceding excerpts.
He would try to describe how rich and textured the troll romantic comedies were compared to the one dimensional schlock of our human cinematic counterparts. He would barely scratch the surface of Troll Will Smith's virtuosity with the delicate lattice of troll romance, as he would assist the bumbling fudgeblooded Troll Kevin James through the interwoven minefield-briarpatch of redrom and blackrom entanglements, all the while sifting through his own prickly romantic situation and ultimately learning the true meaning of hate and pity. But would they succeed before the imperial drone came knocking with his thirsty pails at the ready??? Yes, they would.
But John didn't understand any of this because he's a moron, and he wouldn't shut up about his awful bullshit Earth movies. He would just go on and on and on about that garbage.
But if there was one theme to be hammered through his thick skull, it would be the trolls' cultural preoccupation with romantic destiny. Yes, the romantic landscape is rife with false starts and miscues and infidelities, red and black. But every troll believes strongly that each quadrant holds one and only one true pairing for them, and it is just a matter of time before the grid is filled with auspicious matchups through the mysterious channels of TROLL SERENDIPITY.
In short, their belief is that for each quadrant there exists a pair or triad of trolls somewhere in the cosmos that were...
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HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT
You've wasted enough time on sleeping and dying. You've got to get back to adventurin' while the adventurin's good. And also change out of these stupid pajamas.
It does not appear to be a message from Karkat directed at you specifically.
He has just updated one of the many memos on the transtimeline bulletin board he set up a while ago. You've since no longer bothered keeping up with the endless and mostly incomprehensible communique.
But while checking the update, you can't help but skim through the first memo in the long sequence, which was written hours ago from your present perspective.
PCG 6:12 HOURS AGO opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY.
PCG: OK I THINK I SET THIS UP RIGHT. PCG: FUCK I SHOULD HAVE COME UP WITH A BETTER BOARD NAME. PCG: BUT I GUESS THAT'S THE NAME IT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE SINCE THAT'S THE NAME THAT PCG: UH PCG: I ALREADY READ. PCG: WOW THAT PROBABLY WON'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ANYBODY. PCG: WHATEVER, IT'S JUST A STUPID NAME, LET'S JUST DO THIS. PCG: THIS IS A PUBLIC BULLETIN USING TROLLIAN'S WEIRD TRANSTIMELINE FEATURES WHICH I DON'T EVEN REALLY UNDERSTAND YET. PCG: BUT I'M GUESSING MIGHT BE USEFUL. PCG: I'VE INCLUDED ALL TWELVE PLAYERS IN THE SUBSCRIPTION LIST SO YOU SHOULD ALL BE ABLE TO READ THESE MEMOS AT ANY TIME. PCG: THAT IS, ALL THE MEMOS POSTED, PAST AND FUTURE. I THINK. PCG: IT COULD GET PRETTY TEMPORALLY CONFUSING OBVIOUSLY. I'M GOING TO TRY TO KEEP THE MEMOS AS SIMPLE AND LINEAR AS POSSIBLE. PCG: ALSO LET'S KEEP THIS A ONE-WAY-ONLY BULLETIN TO MAKE THIS AS SIMPLE AS POSSIBLE. PCG: DO NOT REPLY TO MY MEMOS!!! THIS IS NOT A FUCKING CHATROOM, ASSHOLES. PCG: IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME IN RESPONSE TO A MEMO, MESSAGE ME IN PRIVATE AT THE APPROPRIATE POINT ON THE TIMELINE. PCG: FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS IS ABOUT THE TEAMS. PCG: AS OF NOW, YOU SHOULD ALL BE AWARE THAT THERE IS REALLY ONLY ONE TEAM, AND WE ARE ALL WORKING TOGETHER. PCG: AND BY "NOW" I MEAN TIME LOCAL TO ME AS OF WRITING THIS. PCG: SO IF YOU'RE READING THIS IN THE PAST... PCG: UH OK FIRST OF ALL, HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT THIS FEATURE ALREADY? SECOND WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKING TELL ME. PCG: WHATEVER I DIGRESS. PCG: IF YOU'RE READING THIS IN THE FUTURE THEN WHO CARES, IT'S PROBABLY OLD NEWS TO YOU. PCG: ACTUALLY NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT READING THIS IN THE FUTURE? PCG: IT'S LIKE ANY BULLETIN BOARD, YOU POST STUFF AND IT SITS THERE FOR A WHILE AND PEOPLE IN "THE FUTURE" READ IT. PCG: HUH. BIG FUCKING DEAL I GUESS. PAST gallowsCalibrator [PGC] 5:51 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PGC: OH MY GOD K4RK4T! PGC: WHO C4R3S!!!!! >:O PCG banned PGC from responding to memo.
PCG: ANYWAY LIKE I WAS SAYING. PCG: ONE BIG TEAM, OVER WHICH I HAVE ASSUMED TOTAL LEADERSHIP. PCG: I WILL ASSUME THAT IT WILL CONTINUE TO STAY THIS WAY FOR THE DURATION OF OUR QUEST, AND THAT I WILL REMAIN AN IMPECCABLE LEADER FOR A SPAN OF HUNDREDS OF HOURS WHILE I GUIDE US ALL TO A STUNNING VICTORY. PCG: IN FACT, I DON'T EVEN NEED TO ASSUME. PCG: I BROWSED THROUGH THIS WHOLE BULLETIN IN ADVANCE, AND IT DOES APPEAR TO BE THE CASE. GO ME. PCG: IN FACT, SINCE I'VE SEEN WHAT I WILL WRITE IN THE FUTURE, I WONDER WHAT IMPETUS I WILL HAVE FOR WRITING IT LATER WHEN I'M SUPPOSED TO? PCG: I WONDER IF I COULD JUST COPY/PASTE IT... HOLD ON. PCG: DAMN. PCG: I GUESS THEY THOUGHT OF THAT? I DUNNO. I TRIED TO LOOK AT THE WHOLE BULLETIN AGAIN, BUT NOW THAT I'VE OPENED THIS ONE FROM THE BEGINNING, I CAN'T SEE THE WHOLE THING ANYMORE. PCG: UNLESS I LOOK AT IT ON ONE OF YOUR COMPUTERS... PCG: OR MAYBE IF YOU SEND ME LIKE A TEXT FILE OF IT? WOULD THAT CAUSE A PARADOX OR SOMETHING? PCG: YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS SO STUPID. PCG: I ACTUALLY REMEMBER READING ALL THIS SHIT LIKE A HALF HOUR AGO, AND NOW HERE I AM TYPING IT ANYWAY. PCG: I PROBABLY CAN'T AVOID TYPING ANY OF THIS, HOW WEIRD IS THAT. PCG: I HATE TIME TRAVEL. PAST twinArmageddons [PTA] 0:34 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PTA: eheheheheh KK iim ba2iically ju2t lmao here at thii2, WOW. PCG: HOLY FUCKING SHIT, ARE YOU PEOPLE RETARDED. PTA: dude don't worry ii wont fuck up your memo for long, ii ju2t cant beliieve thii2 wa2 the biig rea2on you wanted "future me" two help you open tho2e port2. PTA: two ba2iically ju2t babble about paradoxe2 and argue wiith your2elf for hundred2 of page2 heheheh. PCG: OK SO YOU'RE SAYING THIS FROM LIKE 5 HOURS IN THE FUTURE JUST TO GIVE ME A HARD TIME, NICE. PCG: WELL THANKS FOR THE HELP, SO WHEN DO I BAN YOU, FUTURE BOY? PTA: a few liine2 down, after ii pretend liike iim goiing two diie. PTA: iim 2ure for a laugh on account of my iimmiinent banniing, FUCK how could you even do that two me. PTA: 2o cold man. PCG: ARE YOU REALLY STILL SORE AT ME FIVE HOURS LATER FOR RUNNING THAT VIRUS, GOD DAMN GET OVER IT. PCG: IT WAS YOUR FUCKING VIRUS ANYWAY, YOU'RE TO BLAME. PTA: eheh no bro we're cool about that, now future you ii2 connectiing wiith me 2o ii can enter the game. PCG: OH YEAH? PTA: yeah 2o thank2 for that fiive hour2 iin advance. PCG: THIS IS BS ISN'T IT. PCG: TROLLING ME FROM THE FUTURE, HOW JUVENILE CAN YOU GET. PTA: no man iit2 true, we are bulge bumpiing pupa pal2 agaiin. PCG: OH FUCK THIS CONDESCENDING FUTURE KNOWITALL ACT, WE AREN'T BUMPING SHIT, YOU ARE SO BANNED. PTA: nooooooo, not the ban, it buuuuuuurn2, oh god hahahaha. PTA: waiit. PTA: oh god. PTA: iit doe2 burn. PTA: 2omethiing'2 wrong, iim 2eriiou2! PTA: that horriible p2ychiic noii2e PTA: the voiice2 PTA: they're all goiing two diie PTA: oh 2HiiT iim bleediing PTA: 2hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit PTA: thii2 ii2 bad PTA: ii have two get her iin quiick PTA: got two go PCG banned PTA from responding to memo.
PCG: AND SO THE PORCINE HOOF BELONGING TO THE SWOLLEN HAG KNOWN AS LADY DESTINY HAS STOMPED ANOTHER THROAT. PCG: WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKERS IS NEXT? PCG: NOBODY??? PCG: OK, GOOD. PCG: ALTHOUGH I'M FAIRLY SURE I REMEMBER SOMEONE ELSE CHIMING IN BEFORE I CLOSED THIS MEMO. PCG: YOU ADD DISORDERED SHIT RINSERS CAN'T KEEP YOUR LASCIVIOUS PRONGS OUT OF THE ROE HOLE, CAN YOU. PCG: SOLLUX, FOR FUTURE REFERENCE, OR PAST REFERENCE OR WHATEVER PCG: IF YOU WANT TO DO THAT KIND OF ROLEPLAYING, YOU CAN START YOUR OWN BULLETIN. PCG: YOU CAN ALL ACT LIKE BRAINDEAD ASSWIPES IN YOUR OWN FESTERING FLAP OF PARADOX SPACE, FINE WITH ME. PCG: EVERYONE WILL BE SO CONFUSED BY THE TIME PARADOXES, IT WILL DISTRACT THEM FROM HOW AWFUL THEIR TERRIBLE HOBBIES ARE. PCG: CHOOSE YOUR CLASSES NOW! LEVEL 69 NOOKSNIFFER IS UP FOR GRABS, WHO WANTS IT. PCG: NO THAT'S NOT AN INVITATION FOR YOU FUCKING NERDS TO COME IN HERE AND CORRECT ME ON YOUR GODDAMN FAIRY ELVES. PCG: JUST DO ME A FAVOR AND KEEP ME BANNED FROM THAT ONE OK. PCG: I'LL RETURN THE FAVOR IF YOU NERD UP MY MEMOS, I SERIOUSLY CAN'T BELIEVE HOW MANY FUCKING NERDS ARE ON THIS TEAM. PCG: JUST REMEMBER THIS IS MY PERSONAL PODIUM, A STUMP IF YOU WILL, FOR SOLE USE BY ME AS LEADER FOR IMPORTANT LEADERSHIP BUSINESS. PCG: GOT IT????????? FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 612 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: GROAN. FCG: THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING. FCG: WHAT WAS I EVEN THINKING. PCG: STFU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PCG banned FCG from responding to memo.
PCG: OK, I'M FED UP WITH THIS MEMO, GONNA CLOSE IT OUT. PCG: YOU'LL HEAR FROM ME AGAIN LATER WHEN I GOT SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY, I.E. JUST SCROLL DOWN YOU DOUCHE. PCG: IT'S ALL RIGHT THERE ALREADY. PCG: BECAUSE OF PCG: TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVEL! PCG: I KNOW, RIGHT? PCG: ANYWAY, JUST TO REITERATE: PCG: FULL STEAM AHEAD PCG: LEADER = ME FOREVER, OBVIOUSLY PCG: PEACE THE FUCK OUT DBAGS CURRENT centaursTesticle [CCT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCT: D --> I'd like to add to this useless memorandum CCT: D --> That I still don't recognize the validity of your leadership PCG: SWEET MOTHER GRUB'S OOZING VESTIGIAL THIRD ORAL SPHINCTER. PCG: HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE BE SO STUPID. CCT: D --> It may be true that we are all playing in the same session, but I see no reason to disband the former power structure CCT: D --> Especially if it means instituting a tactical midget with a short fuse, a foul mouth, and paralyzing insecurity over the color of his b100d CCT: D --> That's all I have to say PCG: OH I HAVE A SHORT FUSE! THAT'S VERY FUNNY, YOU CAN ALMOST HEAR ME LAUGH OVER THE SOUND OF THE ROBOT YOU ARE PROBABLY BEATING TO DEATH. PCG: OR DOING WORSE TO. PCG: HEY, YOU DO KISS YOUR ROBOTS, RIGHT? CCT: D --> Uh PCG: MIGHT AS WELL CLEAR THE AIR AS LONG AS WE'RE BROADCASTING THIS ACROSS THE ENTIRE SPACETIME CONTINUUM. CCT: D --> Not usually PCG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA PCG: THE FUNNY THING IS IN THE FUTURE EVERYONE WILL RECOGNIZE ME AS THE UNDISPUTED LEADER, EVEN YOU. PCG: YOU WILL BE STANDING ON THE TIPPYTOES OF YOUR IDIOTIC METAL SHOES, TAKING DELICATE PURCHASE OF MY NUBBY HORNS AND HOISTING YOURSELF OVER MY HEAD TO PUT YOUR SWEATIEST TOUGH GUY SMOOCH UPON MY TWITCHING SPINE LUMP. PCG: IT WILL BE TENDER AND DEFERENTIAL, LIKE A PAUPER KISSING A NOBLE'S RING. PCG: JUST SCROLL DOWN, READ THE LOGS. CCT: D --> Nowhere have I seen evidence of this CCT: D --> Most of this is you from various points in time raving about nonsense and arguing with yourself CCT: D --> Do you realize that here in the future, this bulletin has come to be regarded as something of a joke CCT: D --> A lengthy piece of comedy, often quoted amongst ourselves in private moments of levity CCT: D --> It seems I'm the one to inform you of this up front CCT: D --> Which is likely why you persist with the ingratiating charade against better judgement PCG: YOU'RE GETTING OFF ON THIS AREN'T YOU CCT: D --> What do you mean PCG: THIS EXCITES YOU, BEING THE TOUGH GUY AND PRETENDING LIKE YOU'RE PUTTING THE AWESOME LEADER IN HIS PLACE. PCG: YOU'RE PROBABLY WORKING UP A GOOD SWEAT. PCG: HOPE YOU ALCHEMIZED A BUNCH OF SPARE TOWELS. PCG: HEY WHY DON'T YOU && THEM WITH YOUR SPONGEY BRAIN FOR EXTRA ABSORBENCY. CCT: D --> How do you know about my perspiration problem CCT: D --> I mean, aside from reading about it in this memo CCT: D --> Wait CCT: D --> Fudgesicles PCG banned CCT from responding to memo.
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY.
CCG: THIS IS AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY TO START A NEW MEMO. CCG: IN FACT IT'S A BETTER TIME THAN ANY BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE LAWS OF CHAT CLIENT PREDESTINATION I DON'T REALLY HAVE A CHOICE DO I. CCG: FUCK. CCG: IT DOESN'T MATTER, IT'S STILL A GOOD TIME TO DO IT. CCG: PEOPLE, WE NEED TO GET ORGANIZED HERE. CCG: SHIT IS GETTING SERIOUS. CCG: WE ARE ABOUT TO EMBARK ON OPERATION REGISURP, A CUNNING PLAN DEVISED BY DOUBLE ARCHAGENT JACK NOIR TO EXILE THE BLACK QUEEN. CCG: WE WILL NEED ALL HANDS ON DECK FOR THIS, EVEN THE IDIOTS. CCG: AND ONCE AGAIN, A REMINDER CCG: DO NOT TROLL ME IN THESE MEMOS FROM ANY POINT IN TIME OR IT'S AN INSTA-BAN. CCG: ALSO A NOTE TO MY FUTURE SELF CCG: IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO SAY SOMETHING SMUG, DO ME A FAVOR AND SHOVE A THROB STALK IN IT. CCG: JUST SIT THERE PATIENTLY AND WAIT FOR ME TO BECOME YOU IN THE DUE COURSE OF TIME, THUS IMPROVING YOUR INTELLECT DRASTICALLY. CCG: OR, INTELLECTS PLURAL. CCG: I FORGOT, THERE ARE A LOT OF YOU FUCKERS OUT THERE. CCG: ALL OF YOU, JUST ZIP YOUR CHUTES. I MEAN SERIOUSLY, LIKE THERE'S NOTHING BETTER TO DO IN THE FUTURE??? CCG: IT'S THE FUTURE FOR GOD'S SAKE, A REALM OF ENDLESS FUCKING POSSIBILITIES. CCG: NOW CCG: BEFORE WE GET STARTED, LET'S TAKE A TOLL OF THE SITUATION AT THIS POINT IN TIME. CCG: *MY* POINT IN TIME. CCG: WHO'S IN SO FAR, WHO'S NOT, ETCETERA. FUTURE caligulasAquarium [FCA] 3:11 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCA: hey sorry for bustin in on the memo but i cant get ahold of you youre not answwerin CCG: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE. FCA: gams advvice is fuckin useless all he told me wwas to enjoy a bevverage CCG: NO, DUDE, DON'T DRINK THAT SHIT. IF IT WERE UP TO HIM WE WOULD ALL DRINK FAYGO AT ONCE IN SOME RITUALISTIC RAP CLOWN SUICIDE PACT. CCG: BUT INSTEAD OF COMMITTING SUICIDE THE THING THAT WE ALL ACCOMPLISH IS BECOMING INSTANTANEOUS ASSHOLES WITH AWFUL TASTE. FCA: i mean FCA: its not evven that bad FCA: its just soda but wwhatevver this isnt the point CCG: THIS ISN'T THE VENUE FOR AIRING YOUR FUTURE PROBLEMS, COUNT SEA DIPSHIT. FCA: i knoww i knoww FCA: its just FCA: i got a problem FCA: wwith feferi FCA: and im really kinda sittin here in bad shape about it emotionally speakin CCG: OK, WELL CCG: I GET THAT, I HEAR YOU BRO CCG: BUT THIS IS STILL NOT THE RIGHT PLACE FOR THIS SO I'VE GOT TO BAN YOU. CCG banned FCA from responding to memo.
CCG: BUT SERIOUSLY JUST GET IN TOUCH WITH ME IN PRIVATE ABOUT IT, OK MAN? CCG: WE'LL GET YOUR SHIT STRAIGHTENED OUT. CCG: OK. CCG: IS EVERYBODY GOOD? CCG: JUST GONNA SIT HERE FOR A MINUTE, LOCAL TIME, AND SEE IF ANYONE ELSE HAS ANY SHIT THEY WANT TO SCRAPE OFF THEIR BULGE ON TO MY CLEAN NUTRITION PLATEAU. CCG: NOBODY? CCG: GREAT, WONDERFUL. CCG: I NOW OFFICIALLY DECLARE THE NONSENSE PORTION OF THIS MEMO TO BE OVER. CCG: THIS DECREE SHALL BE BINDING AND LASTING. CCG: BACK TO PLANNING REGISURP. CCG: BEAR DOWN EVERYBODY, THIS IS FUCKING IMPORTANT, THERE IS A QUEEN ON THE LOOSE AND WE'VE GOT TO SHOW A BITCH THE DOOR. FUTURE arachnidsGrip [FAG] 609 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FAG: ::::D CCG: UN BE FUCKING LIEVABLE. FAG: Kaaaaaaaarkat! FAG: I'm sorry! FAG: 8ut do you have any idea how funny this thing is? I mean this whole thing???????? I can't stop laughing! CCG: HEY CAN FUTURE YOU MIND-PREVENT ME FROM HITTING THE BAN BUTTON? CCG: I'M GENUINELY CURIOUS! GO AHEAD, TRY TO STOP ME I DARE YOU. FAG: I'm not going to try, I'm just here to say this whole thing is ridiculous. FAG: We didn't really need you to pretend to 8e a little angry general to get any of this done. FAG: We kicked the queen out of there no sweat! It was easy. In fact, I did most of the work myself, right 8efore I found all the treasure and scaled all the rungs. CCG: OH, ALL OF THEM YOU SAY? CCG: FASCINATING. CCG: HEY FORGET THE BAN BUTTON, USE YOUR MIND POWERS TO HELP ME LOCATE THE DESPERATELY ATTEMPT TO GIVE A SHIT BUTTON. WHOOPS WE BOTH FAILED, IT DOESN'T EXIST. FAG: Hey, I'm gone. I just think you should relax. FAG: You were wound up so tight through the whole adventure, and now here in the present you're a8out to explode. It's insuffera8le! CCG: EVERYBODY, DID YOU HEAR THAT?? SUPERFUTURE VRISKA HAS AN IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON FOR US ALL. CCG: WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT OUR PRESENT RESPONSIBILIES AND OBLIGATIONS! CCG: BECAUSE AS IT TURNS OUT, IN THE FUTURE ALL THAT STUFF ALREADY HAPPENED. WE'RE OFF THE FUCKING HOOK! CCG: TIME TO RELAX. LET'S ALL CRAWL INTO OUR COCOONS AND GET BUSY STIMULATING OUR AUTOEROGENOUS SHAME GLOBES. CCG: FIRST ONE TO START A WANK FIRE GETS A SHINY BOONDOLLAR. CCG: THIS IS AN ORDER FROM YOUR LEADER. FAG: Hahahahahahahaha. CCG banned FAG from responding to memo.
CCG: LATER, FAG. CCG: TOO BAD THE ACRONYM WASN'T "HAG" INSTEAD, IT WOULD HAVE SUITED YOU MUCH BETTER. CCG: INSTEAD OF THAT NONSENSE WORD CCG: MAYBE ITS ASSOCIATION WITH YOU WILL COLLOQUIALLY CAUSE IT TO TAKE ON A NEGATIVE CONNOTATION, WHAT DO YOU THINK? CCG: MAYBE FAG WILL BE "THE NEW BURN!" EVEN THOUGH IT REALLY MEANS NOTHING IN OUR LANGUAGE. CCG: I DON'T KNOW, THIS IS STUPID, FORGET IT CCG: OK I'M RAMBLING HERE, I'M AWARE OF THAT. CCG: FUTURE ME, DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE WEIGH IN ON THIS, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. CCG: IF I WERE FUTURE ME, WHICH I GUESS I AM, I WOULD READ THIS AND BE ALL OVER IT, LIKE DAMMIT KARKAT WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING. CCG: GET TO THE POINT. FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 0:20 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: YEAH PRETTY MUCH. CCG banned FCG from responding to memo.
CCG: SO I'M SAYING IT TO MYSELF ALREADY HERE AND NOW, SO I WON'T HAVE TO LATER, GOT IT YOU TRENCHANT BACKBITING PRICKS????? CCG: DAMN, I'M LOSING MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT. CCG: MAYBE I'LL PICK IT UP AGAIN IN A FRESH MEMO LATER. CCG: I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S RIGHT THOUGH, BECAUSE I VAGUELY REMEMBER THIS ONE BEING LONGER THAN THIS. PAST adiosToreador [PAT] 0:38 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PAT: hEYY, CCG: OH SON OF A BITCH. PAT: i THOUGHT, PAT: sINCE IT LOOKS LIKE, yOU'RE SAYING YOU'RE OUT OF IMPORTANT MEMO STUFF TO SAY, PAT: uHH, PAT: mAYBE YOU COULD HELP ME, hERE, PAT: sINCE i DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE NOW, bUT MAYBE HELP ME, PAT: aBOUT A THING THAT HAS TO DO WITH A GIRL, PAT: lIKE, PAT: a ROMANCE THING, yOU MIGHT KNOW ABOUT, CCG: YOU PEOPLE ARE IMBECILES. CCG: ALL OF YOU. CCG: I AM NOT POSTING THESE MEMOS TO COUNSEL YOU ON YOUR PAST AND FUTURE DATING PROBLEMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CCG: WHY ARE YOU ALL SUCH BASKET CASES. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY ANYMORE. PAT: sORRY, CCG: SHOULD I BAN YOU? WHAT'S EVEN THE POINT ANYMORE! ONE OF YOU STOOGES WILL BE RIGHT ON THE LAST ONES HEELS WITH ANOTHER SOB STORY. CCG: JUST CCG: HURRY UP AND TELL ME WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS BRO. PAT: oKAY, PAT: i'M SORT OF, lYING ON vRISKA'S FLOOR RIGHT NOW, PAT: lIKE, iN HER BLOCK, PAT: lYING DOWN, PAT: uHH, yOU KNOW, bECAUSE i CAN'T WALK, CCG: OH NO SHIT REALLY??? CCG: YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS, WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN. PAT: uH, yEAH, aNYWAY, PAT: sHE TRIED TO KISS ME, PAT: wELL, sHE DIDN'T TRY, sHE ACTUALLY DID, PAT: aND THEN, kIND OF DROPPED ME, PAT: aND ALSO WE ARE WEARING COSTUMES, PAT: wOW, i'M NOT EXPLAINING THIS WELL, CCG: THIS IS SO FUCKED UP, WHAT HAVE YOU GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO. PAT: aND NOW, tO MAKE IT, PAT: uHHHHH, PAT: a LOT WEIRDER, PAT: tHERE IS AN ANGRY VOICE IN MY HEAD, PAT: i DONT THINK IT'S rUFIO THIS TIME, PAT: rUFIO'S NOT THAT ANGRY, PAT: hE'S ALSO IMAGINARY, PAT: lIKE, a FAKE MADE UP FRIEND, PAT: yOU KNOW, lIKE, PAT: tHE WAY FAIRIES ARE, }:( CCG: GOD, ACTUALLY I REMEMBER READING THIS BULLSHIT. CCG: OR SKIMMING IT AT LEAST. CCG: HOW COULD I FORGET??? CCG: MORE LOONEYBLOCK THEATER, AND HERE I AM DRAWING THE CURTAINS FOR YOU GUYS LIKE A DOPE. PAT: aNYWAY, i THINK VRISKA IS UPSET ABOUT IT, aND SHE'S NOT TALKING OR ANYTHING, PAT: wHAT DO i DO, CCG: OK WELL, I CAN ADVISE YOU AND STUFF CCG: BUT YOU DO REALIZE THIS IS A PUBLIC BULLETIN. CCG: WE SHOULD BE HAVING THIS CHAT IN PRIVATE. CCG: EVERYONE CAN READ THIS, EVEN HER. CCG: I MEAN FUCK, SHE WAS *JUST HERE* TALKING YOU DUMMY! PAT: i KNOW, i READ THAT, PAT: bUT, PAT: tHAT'S FUTURE HER, wHICH, PAT: dOESN'T SEEM SO BAD, PAT: mAYBE FUTURE HER CAN READ THIS, aND, PAT: i GUESS, PAT: kNOW i'M SORRY ABOUT IT, PAT: i DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT HER FEELINGS, CCG: WELL, FINE, IF YOU WANT TO BROADCAST A TRANSTIMELINE APOLOGY THEN FINE. CCG: BUT YOU SHOULD REALIZE THE FUTURE IS KIND OF A WIDE OPEN THING, I MEAN SHE COULD READ THIS LIKE TWO MINUTES IN THE FUTURE AS WELL AS 600 HOURS. CCG: AT THAT POINT YOU WOULD ESSENTIALLY BE TALKING TO PRESENT HER, COMPLETELY DEFEATING THE PURPOSE OF YOUR SPINELESS MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE APOLOGY. PAT: oH, PAT: yEAH, PAT: i DIDN'T, rEALLY THINK OF THAT, PAST arachnidsGrip [PAG] 0:08 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PAG: Hi. CCG: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. PAG: Karkat, shut up! This does not concern you. CCG: OK WHATEVER. MY MEMO, BUT WHATEVER. PAT: uH, wOW, PAT: hI, PAG: Tavros, it's ok. Really. PAG: So you don't feel that way a8out me! That's fine. I shouldn't have expected any different. PAG: I can deal with it! I am not a wimp like you. I roll with 8ad 8r8ks all the time. No 8iggie. PAG: In fact, I already have dealt with it. I was over here dealing with it while you were over there on the floor fooling around with your computer after a cute girl tried to kiss you for some reason. PAG: As it turned out, fooling around with your computer to........ PAG: Go cry on future Karkat's shoulder a8out this???????? PAT: uM, PAT: yEAH, PAG: Hahahaha. You are a str8nge and funny 8oy, Tavros. CCG: OH GOD CCG: THIS IS CCG: COMPLETELY HILARIOUS. CCG: NOW I SEE WHY EVERYONE HAS BEEN RIPPING ON MY MEMOS. PAG: Karkat I said shut the fuck up!!!!!!!! PAG: Anyway, though totally unnecessary, your apology is accepted. PAT: oKAY, PAG: Now pick yourself up off the floor so we can go wring some fucking treasure out of this misera8le magic rock! PAT: yEAH, i'LL TRY, PAG: Actually, never mind, I'll 8e over there to help you with that too, kind of like I do with everything. PAG: Just lie still and try not to start crying or anything, and w8 a few minutes for your timeframe to catch up with mine. PAT: uH, PAT: wHAT, PAG: Exactly! I aaaaaaaam smarter than you. You see? You're learning! CCG: FUCK, ENOUGH ALREADY. CCG: THERE, GREAT, ANOTHER HAPPY COUPLE CCG: IN WHATEVER HIDEOUS QUADRANT THIS BATSHIT PAIRING WILL SUSTAIN. CCG: NOW OFF YOU GO. CCG banned PAT from responding to memo.
CCG banned PAG from responding to memo.
CCG: HOLY HELL. CCG: THIS IS EXHAUSTING. CCG: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT ANYMORE. CCG: OK, MAYBE I'LL TAKE A MINUTE TO COLLECT MY THOUGHTS AND GET BACK ON TOPIC HERE. FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 609 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: NO YOU WON'T. FCG: THIS ONE WAS PARTICULARLY NAUSEATING IN RETROSPECT, I'M SHUTTING THIS DOWN. FCG banned CCG from responding to memo.
To bring every circle closed, her partner and rival would have to be guided in tandem. The Thief and the Seer were to serve as twin lashes of the scourge cracked by a quasiroyal against her own former kingdom to settle a score. To make him pay. Scourge's black inches would rip red miles through Derse, and the bright rivers gushing from its wounds would wash her mutineers down the drains of exile. In time they would have to answer for their treason.
Patience would be necessary. But then, she'd recently come into all the time in the universe.
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 599 HOURS FROM NOW opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY.
FCG: FINE THEN. FCG: SINCE PAST ME JUST BANNED CURRENT ME FROM THE PRECEDING MEMO FCG: AND DOESN'T APPEAR TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MY FUTURE WISDOM, AS USUAL FCG: LOOKS LIKE I'LL JUST HAVE TO START ANOTHER MEMO FROM SCRATCH. FCG: HEY PAST ME, GO HAVE A BLAST KILLING THE KING, I'M SURE IT WILL BE AWESOME. FCG: IN FACT, IT WAS AWESOME. BANG UP JOB WITH THAT, DUDE! FCG: TOO BAD IT WAS ALL A HUGE WASTE OF TIME. FCG: OH, WHAT'S THAT, PASTHOLE? YOU DIDN'T READ THIS AND FIGURE THAT OUT AHEAD OF TIME? FCG: OR MAYBE YOU JUST SKIMMED THIS AND IT DIDN'T GET THROUGH YOUR THICK BULGE??? FCG: WHAT A SHOCK! FCG: MEMO-WITHIN-MEMO TO PRESENT SELF: PUT FORTH A MORE CONCERTED EFFORT TO IMPRESS UPON EVERYONE IN THE PAST, MYSELF INCLUDED, WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING IDIOTS THEY ALL ARE. FCG: I AM LEARNING A VALUABLE LESSON TODAY! FCG: IT TURNS OUT YOU CAN'T ALTER THE OUTCOME OF DECISIONS MADE BY MORONS, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU YELL AT THEM. FCG: ALL YOU CAN REALLY DO IS GIVE THEM A HARD TIME AND TRY TO MAKE THEIR LIVES JUST A LITTLE MORE MISERABLE. FCG: WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A MORE NOBLE PURSUIT THAN CHANGING DESTINY FOR THE BETTER ANYWAY, FRANKLY. FCG: LOSERS SHOULD BE FORCED TO FACE THE MUSIC, EVEN FOR THE MISTAKES THEY HAVEN'T MADE YET. FCG: THEIR PUNISHMENT IS BEING ALLOWED TO MAKE THE MISTAKE IN THE FIRST PLACE. TALK ABOUT POETIC JUSTICE! FCG: AND THEN GETTING SOUNDLY BERATED BEFORE, DURING, AND AFTER THE MISTAKES ARE BEING MADE IS JUST THE MUCUS ON THE GRUBLOAF. FCG: THE SWEET, TANGY MUCUS. FCG: THIS IS DUMB. FCG: WHY DID I EVER THINK THESE MEMOS WERE GOING TO BE A GOOD IDEA. FCG: NOBODY CARES FCG: I MEAN FCG: NOBODY'S EVEN TROLLING ME ANYMORE. FCG: AND I'M LEAVING MYSELF WIDE OPEN TOO, SAYING SOME PRETTY DUMB THINGS HERE. FCG: I GUESS MAYBE I WROTE TOO MANY. FCG: AND FILLED TOO MANY OF THEM WITH LONG ARGUMENTS WITH MYSELF. FCG: NO ONE'S GOING TO READ THROUGH ALL THIS, ALL THE VALUABLE INFORMATION IS JUST GETTING LOST IN THE YELLING. FCG: YOU STUPID STUPID IDIOT. FCG: OH FUCK YOU, WHY'D YOU EVEN START ANOTHER MEMO THEN?? FCG: I GUESS FCG: THERE ARE A COUPLE THINGS I WANT TO GET OFF MY CHEST, OK? FCG: OH GOD, NOW I'M ARGUING WITH CURRENT ME. FCG: I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE I WAS DOING IT, THIS IS REALLY FUCKED UP. FCG: I'VE GOT TO PULL IT TOGETHER. FCG: THINK BACK TO WHAT WE MIGHT HAVE DONE WRONG. FCG: BUT THE THING IS FCG: AS MUCH AS OUR PAST SELVES ARE A BUNCH OF STUBBORN UNLISTENING ASSHOLES FCG: I CAN'T EVEN REALLY IDENTIFY ANY MISTAKES WE MADE. FCG: IT WAS ALL PRETTY MUCH LIKE CLOCKWORK. FCG: A 600 HOUR CAMPAIGN TO COMPLETE A GAME LIKE THIS IS PRETTY GOOD IF YOU ASK ME. FCG: AND I HAVE ASKED ME. FCG: IT TURNS OUT ME AGREES. FCG: I CAN'T SHAKE THE FEELING SOMEONE ELSE MUST BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS. FCG: IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE IT WAS SOMETHING THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN IN OUR SESSION. FCG: SOLLUX HAS THE SAME INTUITION ABOUT IT AS ME, HE THINKS THERE'S SOMETHING FII2HY ABOUT IT. FCG: IT'S REALLY INSUFFERABLE THE WAY HER FISH PUNS HAVE RUBBED OFF ON HIM, IT KIND OF MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT. FCG: ANYWAY FCG: HE SAYS HE'S WORKING ON TRACING THE ORIGIN OF THIS DISASTER. FCG: IF I FIND OUT WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FCG: I WILL FCG: I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT NOW. FCG: WASTE OF GOOD FRESH RAGE. FCG: I'M A LITTLE TIRED OF ALL THE OLD THINGS I'VE BEEN ANGRY ABOUT. FCG: IT'S GOTTEN SO STALE. FCG: IN A WEIRD WAY I'M SORT OF LOOKING FORWARD TO HAVING SOMETHING NEW TO BE PISSED OFF ABOUT. FCG: IT'S NOT LIKE THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE TO LIVE FOR NOW ANYWAY. FCG: SO I'M KEEPING MY PRONGS CROSSED. FCG: IT WILL BE LIKE FUCKING 12TH PERIGEE'S EVE UP IN HERE. FCG: LAST SWEEP'S EVE WAS PROBABLY THE LAST HAPPY MEMORY I HAVE IN FACT. FCG: WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO FOR THE LAST HOLIDAY? FCG: ANYONE? FCG: I REMEMBER MY LUSUS HAD BEEN GONE FOR DAYS AND I WAS STARTING TO GET WORRIED. FCG: BUT THEN HE FINALLY RETURNED, TRIUMPHANT. FCG: HE BROUGHT THE FRESH BEHEMOTH LEAVING INTO OUR HIVE, AND TOGETHER WE DECORATED IT. FCG: AND FCG: I DUNNO FCG: THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY, I'M GETTING A LUMP IN MY SQUAWK BLISTER. FCG: I GUESS I'M DONE. FCG: I'M GOING TO LIE DOWN NOW FCG: ON THE STEEL FLOOR OF THIS FRIGID METEOR DRIFTING THROUGH THE BLACK UNCARING VOID OF OUR NULL SESSION. FCG: NULL, KIND OF LIKE THIS MEMO I GUESS. FCG: LATER. CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGA: I Dont Think We Did Anything Special FCG: WHOA, HEY FCG: WHAT? CGA: Last 12th CGA: We Stayed In CGA: And I Read Stories To Her It Was Nice FCG: OH FCG: THAT'S COOL. FCG: THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE RESPONDED TO A MEMO THAT I CAN RECALL. FCG: YOU TOOK IT RIGHT DOWN TO THE WIRE. I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CLOSE THIS THING. CGA: Yeah I Know CGA: I Wasnt Sure If I Was Going To CGA: But Then I Noticed A Conversation In Which I Was A Participant CGA: Which As It Turns Out Is The Conversation Taking Place Now CGA: I Scanned It Briefly And Then Perused Other Memos For My Presence CGA: I Found None And Returned To This One CGA: But My Part Of The Conversation Was Gone CGA: I Regarded This As A Prompt To Begin Typing And Record My Contributions Live CGA: That Is How This Works Isnt It FCG: PRETTY MUCH. FCG: FOR A WHILE IT WAS FRUSTRATING. FCG: WHEN I DISCOVERED THE FEATURE I KIND OF BREEZED THROUGH ALL MY FUTURE MEMOS, NOT REALLY READING ALL OF THEM CAREFULLY OR THOROUGHLY. FCG: THEN I LOOKED AT IT AGAIN, AND THE WHOLE BOARD WAS GONE. FCG: BECAUSE IT WAS TIME TO MAKE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE, SO I DID. FCG: AND THEN I KEPT MAKING MEMOS WITH ONLY FOGGY RECOLLECTIONS OF WHAT THEY CONTAINED. FCG: WHILE ALL THESE OTHER CHUMPS FROM DIFFERENT TIMES KEPT GIVING ME SHIT. FCG: INCLUDING MYSELF. FCG: BUT IT WAS ALL GOOD, BECAUSE AS I EVENTUALLY BECAME MY OWN FUTURE SELVES, AND GOT TO BE ON THE OTHER SIDES OF THOSE CONVERSATIONS. FCG: AND COULD DO MY PAST SELVES THE SERVICE OF INFORMING THEM HOW STUPID THEY WERE BEING. FCG: I STOPPED BOTHERING TRYING TO REMEMBER HOW ANY OF THESE MEMOS WENT. FCG: HONESTLY THE LAST FEW WEEKS HAVE BEEN A BLUR TO ME, JUST NON STOP YELLING AT MYSELF, HAGGLING WITH PAST AND FUTURE KNUCKLEHEADS, KILLING MONSTERS AND SOLVING PUZZLES, CYCLING THROUGH ALL THE GATES AND PLANETS LIKE A HUNDRED TIMES, ZIGZAGGING DOWN TO THE BATTLEFIELD, OUT TO THE VEIL, OVER TO PROSPIT, BACK TO DERSE, AND ON AND ON AND ON LIKE THAT UNTIL WE THOUGHT WE WON. FCG: BUT WE DIDN'T WIN. WE LOST. FCG: WE LOST AS HARD AS FAT GUYS FALL. CGA: What Exactly Happened FCG: DID YOU READ THE MEMO JUST BEFORE THIS? CGA: No FCG: GIVE IT A READ, I'M DONE RANTING ABOUT ALL THAT FOR NOW. CGA: Alright CGA: In A Moment FCG: BUT YEAH, THAT'S HOW TROLLIAN'S TIMELINE STUFF WORKS. YOU'LL GET USED TO IT. FCG: OR NOT! SINCE APPARENTLY THIS IS YOUR ONLY MEMO REPLY. YOU WERE PRETTY SHREWD IN SIDESTEPPING THIS WHOLE CLUSTERFUCK. CGA: It Seems Like A Logical Way To Engineer A System Wherein One Simultaneously Functions As The Reader And Author Of The Transcripts CGA: Its Temporally Sound Construction FCG: THEN YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS SO. FCG: HELL YOU PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER MAID OF TIME THAN THE ONE WE WERE STUCK WITH. FCG: SHE'S COMPLETELY SHITHIVE MAGGOTS, DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED. CGA: I Think We Are Given Roles To Challenge Us CGA: That Dont Necessarily Suit Our Strengths CGA: At Least I Was CGA: I Have No Idea What Im Doing Here FCG: SURE YOU DO. FCG: OR, YOU WILL. TRUST ME YOU'LL DO FINE. FCG: SO WHAT PROMPTED YOU TO RESPOND ANYWAY. FCG: I MEAN ASIDE FROM BEING STRONGARMED BY CONVERSATIONAL PREDESTINATION. CGA: Oh CGA: At This Point Im Not Even Sure If Im Inclined To Ask Anymore FCG: YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE A CHOICE. FCG: DO YOU REMEMBER IF THIS MEMO WAS MUCH LONGER THAN THIS? CGA: Um CGA: There Is A Good Way To Go I Think Yeah FCG: THEN MIGHT AS WELL SPIT IT OUT. CGA: Its Such A Silly Question FCG: RED OR BLACK? CGA: What FCG: YOUR PROBLEM, DOES IT PERTAIN TO REDROM OR BLACKROM INTERESTS? CGA: Thats Not What This Is About FCG: COME ON. PEOPLE HAVE BEEN USING THESE MEMOS TO SIFT THROUGH THEIR ROMANTIC PROBLEMS FOR WEEKS, I AM A FUCKING VETERAN AT THIS SHIT BY NOW. FCG: SERIOUSLY, I DON'T MIND, IT'LL BE A WELCOME REPRIEVE FROM SHOUTING AT MYSELF. CGA: Im Not Sure What To Say About It FCG: DIDN'T YOU AT LEAST GET A SENSE OF WHAT THIS CONVERSATION WAS ABOUT WHEN YOU SKIMMED IT? CGA: Not Really CGA: If I Were Thinking About It I Probably Wouldnt Have Wanted To Anyway CGA: Dont You Think Its Better To Have Unrehearsed Conversations CGA: Even If The Subject Matter Is Awkward FCG: YES I COMPLETELY AGREE. FCG: IT'S GOOD YOU DIDN'T READ IT. WE CAN AVOID THE SORT OF VERBAL SLAPSTICK ROUTINES I'M SICK TO FUCKING DEATH OF BY NOW. FCG: I AM SO TIRED OF PEOPLE BEING ALL COY AND TELLING ME WHAT WE'RE ABOUT TO SAY BEFORE WE SAY IT, AND THEN WE WIND UP FUCKING SAYING IT ANYWAY. FCG: AND THEN WE PROVE TO THE INVISIBLE RIDDLER THAT IS FATHER TIME BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING IDIOTS WE ALL ARE. FCG: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW OLD THAT GETS AFTER A WHILE? FCG: SO REALLY, TELL ME. FCG: I KNOW IT'S ON YOUR MIND, I GOT A SENSE FOR THESE THINGS. FCG: R OR B??? CGA: Ok CGA: Red Then CGA: But I Guess CGA: Not Really Red Enough FCG: HAHA, WELL ISN'T THAT ALWAYS THE CASE? FCG: STORY AS OLD AS TIME. FCG: EVEN IN PLACES WHERE STRICTLY SPEAKING TIME DIDN'T EXIST UNTIL RECENTLY. FCG: WHO'S THE TARGET OF THESE FLUSHED LEANINGS? FCG: IF YOU DON'T MIND MY ASKING. CGA: Its Not The Asking I Mind CGA: Its The Telling CGA: In A Public Forum FCG: I DON'T THINK ANYONE'S READING. FCG: DID YOU NOTICE ANYONE ELSE JOIN IN LATER? CGA: No CGA: It Appeared To Be Just The Two Of Us FCG: SEE FCG: NOBODY CARES ENOUGH TO BOTHER. CGA: I Dont Know Whether Thats Reassuring CGA: Or Just A Bit Disheartening FCG: WELL I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT. FCG: THEIR DISINTEREST IS MORE A REFLECTION ON ME THAN YOU. CGA: Disinterest Is The Operative Concept Here CGA: Shes Not Even Responding To My Messages Anymore CGA: Could Be Busy CGA: But Im Rapidly Approaching A Resolution To Discard The Preposterous Infatuation FCG: SHE? WELL I GUESS THAT NARROWS IT DOWN SOMEWHAT. CGA: Shit FCG: IF I THINK BACK ON EVENTS KNOWING THIS I COULD PROBABLY PIECE IT TOGETHER... CGA: How About CGA: If I Agree To Consult With You About It In Private CGA: We Can Drop It Here CGA: Before You Crack Me Like A Vault CGA: With Your Weird Romance Sleuthing Acumen FCG: ALRIGHT, DEAL. CGA: It Still Puzzles Me That You Are So Versed In The Topic CGA: Do You Have Access To A Manual Archived On A Remote Server Somewhere FCG: WHAT FCG: NO OF COURSE NOT. FCG: I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW ALL THAT MUCH. FCG: I JUST KNOW THIS STUFF WILL DRIVE YOU SHITHIVE MAGGOTS IF YOU DON'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO DEAL WITH IT. CGA: That Figure Of Speech You Keep Using Puzzles Me Too FCG: LIKE FCG: NOT THAT I EXPECT YOU TO GIVE A SHIT BUT PERSONALLY I AM ALL TWISTED UP ABOUT BLACKROM STUFF ESPECIALLY. FCG: HONESTLY I DON'T THINK I WAS CUT OUT TO HAVE A KISMESIS, I THINK MY STANDARDS ARE WAY TOO HIGH. FCG: DID YOU KNOW THAT... FCG: THIS FEELS SO INSANE TO ADMIT, BUT FCG: OVER THE COURSE OF THIS ADVENTURE, AT TIMES I ACTUALLY BEGAN TO SUSPECT I WAS MY OWN KISMESIS. FCG: HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT??? CGA: Im Not Qualified To Say CGA: Neither Romance Nor Psychology Are My Strong Suits FCG: BUT OBVIOUSLY ITS NOT TRUE, I NEVER EVEN DID ANY LEGIT TIME TRAVELING WHERE I COULD MEET MYSELF, I JUST BICKERED WITH PAST AND FUTURE GHOSTS ON A CHAT CLIENT. FCG: FITTING REALLY. EVERY CALIGINOUS ADVERSARY I'VE CONTEMPLATED HAS ELUDED ME LIKE A PHANTOM, EVEN MYSELF! FCG: WHATEVER, I'M DONE WITH IT. CGA: And What Of Scarlet Ambitions CGA: Fare Any Better In That Quadrant FCG: NO NO NO I'M NOT AIRING THAT SHIT OUT HERE. FCG: MAYBE PRIVATELY. FCG: IT'S PRIVATE. FCG: LET'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT, WHAT WERE YOU ORIGINALLY GOING TO ASK ME. CGA: Oh Fine CGA: Heres This Silly Question For You CGA: I Was Just Wondering Given Your Vantage Of Hindsight CGA: If Youd Had Cause To Observe At Any Point In Time CGA: Magic FCG: UH... CGA: Like Real Magic CGA: I Guess What Im Asking Is CGA: Is Magic A Real Thing FCG: WOW, YOU'RE RIGHT, THAT'S KIND OF THE DUMBEST FUCKING QUESTION I'VE EVER HEARD. CGA: I Know CGA: Its Just That I Have A Good Reason To Believe Magic Is Real CGA: Our Ancient Predecessors Discovered How To Use It CGA: But Then They May Have Surpassed Us In Skill By A Great Deal FCG: YOU PUT WAY TOO MUCH STOCK IN THAT RATTY OLD GUIDE. FCG: BUT ANYWAY NO, WE NEVER USED MAGIC. FCG: I MEAN, LET ME TRY TO PUT INTO PERSPECTIVE HOW RIDICULOUS THE WHOLE NOTION IS ANYWAY. FCG: WE CAN ALCHEMIZE PRACTICALLY ANYTHING WITH THE RIGHT MATERIALS AND GRIST. FCG: WE CAN, AND DID, MAKE SUPER POWERFUL WEAPONS AND ITEMS THAT CAN DO PRACTICALLY ANYTHING. FCG: WHAT ADDITIONAL ADVANTAGE COULD MAGIC OFFER? ALL THIS SHIT IS PRACTICALLY MAGIC ANYWAY. FCG: BUT MORE LIKE FCG: GOOFY SCIENCEY MAGIC. YOU KNOW? CGA: Sure FCG: BUT EVERYTHING HERE IS KIND OF MAGIC IN A WAY, ISN'T IT. FCG: FORTUNE TELLING DREAM CLOUDS AND GOLDEN MOONS AND SHIT. FCG: IF YOU LOOK AROUND FCG: THERE'S MAGIC EVERYWHERE IN THIS BITCH. FCG: IT'S ALL AROUND US. FCG: MOTHER FUCKIN MIRACLES, RIGHT? CGA: Heh FCG: WHAT DO YOU NEED MAGIC FOR ANYWAY? CGA: Im Running Out Of Ideas CGA: I Need To Figure Out A Way To Stoke This Volcano CGA: In Case You And The Others Are Successful In Recovering The Queens Ring FCG: YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT. FCG: AND YOU WON'T NEED MAGIC, TRUST ME. FCG: JUST BE PATIENT, THE ANSWER WILL COME TO YOU SOMEHOW. CGA: I Guess You Would Know FCG: YEAH, REALLY THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. FCG: AT LEAST AS FAR AS THE DETAILS OF THE ADVENTURE GO. FCG: WE WERE ALL PRETTY AWESOME AT THIS GAME. FCG: REALLY AWESOME IN FACT. FCG: UNTIL A LITTLE WHILE AGO. FCG: WHEN IT TURNED OUT WE WEREN'T ACTUALLY ALL THAT AWESOME. FCG: TURNS OUT WE WERE PRETTY FUCKING UNAWESOME ALL ALONG. CGA: Still Baffled By What Would Conceivably Cause Such A Crisis In Awesomeness Post-Victory FCG: WELL FCG: FOR STARTERS FCG: HAVE YOU SCROLLED UP TO THE TOP OF THE TIMELINES YET? CGA: No FCG: CHECK THAT OUT FCG: MAYBE READ A FEW RECENT MEMOS FCG: BUT OTHER THAN THAT IT'S NOT FOR YOU TO CONCERN YOURSELF WITH. FCG: JUST DEAL WITH GETTING THROUGH THE QUEST. FCG: I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU ABOUT IT WHEN YOU CATCH UP WITH ME ON THE TIMELINE. FCG: WHICH JUST HAPPENS TO BE RIGHT NOW. CGA: Say Hi To Me For Myself FCG: OK I PROBABLY WON'T DO THAT, BUT ALRIGHT HA HA. FCG: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE ANYWAY? CGA: You Mean Future Me FCG: YEAH. FCG: YOU'RE MESSING AROUND WITH YOUR CHAINSAW. FCG: WHILE TAVROS IS SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR. FCG: OH GOD. FCG: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK WHAT ARE YOU DOING??????? CGA: What CGA: What Did I Do FUTURE carcinoGeneticist 2 [FCG2] 600 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG2: OK. FCG2: EVERYTHING'S FINE I GUESS. CGA: What Happened FCG2: I PASSED OUT FOR ABOUT AN HOUR. FCG2: FUCKING EMBARRASSING. FCG2: YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND, YOU KNOW. CGA: Shithive Maggots You Mean FCG2: YEAH FCG2: IN A GOOD WAY THOUGH. FCG2: OK I'M SHUTTING THIS MEMO DOWN FOR MY PAST SELF. FCG2: SINCE HE'S CURRENTLY LYING UNCONSCIOUS ON THE FLOOR AN HOUR AGO. FCG2: SEE YOU IN THE FUTURE-NOW. CGA: Til Then FCG2 banned CGA from responding to memo.
FCG2 banned FCG from responding to memo.
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carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]
CG: OK I GOT YOUR MESSAGE CG: THANKS FOR NOT HASSLING ME ABOUT IT IN ONE OF THE MEMOS TO GET MY ATTENTION, I APPRECIATE THAT. CG: UNLESS YOU DID, BUT IT WAS IN A FUTURE MEMO I HAVEN'T WRITTEN YET, IN WHICH CASE HAVE A BIGTIME FUCK YOU ABOUT THAT IN ADVANCE. GC: NO 1 D1DNT BUG YOU 4BOUT 1T 1N YOUR STUP1D M3MOS! GC: TH3Y 4R3 4NNOY1NG 4ND 1M T1R3D OF G3TT1NG B4NN3D FOR NO R34SON CG: POSTING IN THEM AT ALL IS THE REASON. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO REPLY MEMOS PERIOD, THAT'S THE REASON. GC: M4YB3 1 W1LL ST4RT MY OWN BULL3T1N BO4RD GC: 4ND 3V3RYON3 W1LL B3 4LLOW3D TO R3PLY 4NY T1M3 TH3Y W4NT GC: 3XC3PT FOR GUYS W1TH NUBBY HORNS, OH NO, TH3Y W1LL NOT B3 4BL3 TO R3PLY 4T 4LL GC: GRUMPY K4RK4TS W1LL B3 3XPR3SSLY FORB1DD3N FROM R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN! GC: >:P CG: SOUNDS LAME. GC: BY TH3 W4Y TH4T W1LL B3 TH3 N4M3 OF TH3 BO4RD 1N C4S3 1T W4SNT CL34R CG: YEAH I GOT THAT. CG: THIS IS AN EMPTY THREAT, BECAUSE IF YOU MADE A BOARD AT ANY POINT ON THE TIMELINE I WOULD BE ABLE TO SEE IT RIGHT HERE AND READ THE WHOLE THING ALREADY. CG: WAIT... CG: OH GOD, YOU ACTUALLY DID. GC: Y3SSSSS! GC: FUTUR3 T3R3Z1 1S LOOK1NG PR3TTY COOL R1GHT 4BOUT NOW >8] CG: LOOK I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY. CG: WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT GOING AFTER THE QUEEN'S RING. GC: W3LL GC: TH3 TH1NG TH4T 1S 4LL 4BOUT 1T 1S GC: W3 H4V3 TO GO 4FT3R TH3 QU33NS R1NG GC: 1T 1S 4 N3W M1SS1ON CG: BUT WE'RE STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF TRYING TO PULL OFF REGISURP WITH JACK. CG: WHY DON'T WE TAKE IT ONE MISSION AT A TIME. GC: Y34H 4BOUT TH4T GC: TH3 WHOL3 PO1NT 1S TO D3STROY TH3 R1NG SO J4CK DO3SNT G3T 1T CG: WHY WOULD WE WANT TO DO THAT, JACK'S AN ALLY. GC: 4LSO GC: TH3 M1SS1ON SORT OF 1NVOLV3S 3X1L1NG J4CK TOO GC: >:| CG: THIS IS BULLSHIT. CG: WE'RE NOT EXILING JACK, HE'S COOL. GC: K4RK4T, H3 1S NOT TH4T COOL! CG: YES HE IS, HE'S A TOTAL BADASS WITH A FUCK TON OF BLADES AND SHIT, AND HE'S HELPING US OUT. GC: OK, 1 TH1NK 1TS PR3TTY CUT3 TH4T YOU SORT OF LOOK UP TO H1M L1K3 TH4T GC: BUT S3R1OUSLY, 1 DO NOT G3T 4 GOOD F33L1NG FROM H1M! GC: H3 K1ND OF CG: STINKS? CG: LET ME ACTED SHOCKED LIKE I DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING. CG: O: CG: FUCK I FORGOT MY HORNS, I ALWAYS FORGET THEM CG: O:B GC: NO! GC: W3LL GC: SORT OF GC: H3 DO3SNT SM3LL B4D 4CTU4LLY GC: H3 SM3LLS R34LLY CL34N 4ND SH1NY 4ND D4RK D4RK D444RK L1K3 4N O1L SL1CK 4ND TH3R3 1S 4 T1NY H1NT OF L1COR1C3 TH3R3 TOO GC: 1TS MOR3 L1K3 GC: TH3 W4Y H3 MOV3S GC: 1 SM3LL H1S SMOOTH MOT1ONS 4ND TH3 W4Y H3 SQU1NTS H1S 3Y3S 4ND 1T G1V3S M3 TH1S R34LLY N3RVOUS F33L1NG CG: WHAT A SURPRISE, YOU ARE DRAGGING YOUR SCHIZOPHRENIC NOSE INTO THIS, WHAT AN OUTSTANDING CHARACTER WITNESS. CG: OBJECTION YOUR TYRANNY! HAHAHA GC: >:D CG: THE BOTTOM LINE IS I AM NOT GOING TO EXILE JACK BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN SMELL MALICE OFF AN INTERPRETIVE DANCE. GC: K4RK4T, H3S 4 J3RK! GC: H3 H4S ST4BB3D YOU ON MOR3 TH4N ON3 OCC4S1ON! CG: SOME OF THOSE STABBINGS WERE ACCIDENTAL! GC: >8| CG: OK, WELL I KNOW FOR A FACT THE THIRD TIME WAS ACCIDENTAL. CG: ANYWAY YOU'VE BEATEN THE SHIT OUT OF ME A FEW TIMES YOURSELF. GC: BUT 1 D1DN'T DR4W BLOOD! GC: 1 M34N 1 COULD H4V3 TO S4T1SFY MY CUR1OS1TY >:] GC: BUT 1 D1DNT 4S 4 COURT3SY TO YOU GC: S1NC3 YOU ST1LL W4NT TO K33P 1T 4 S3CR3T FROM M3 L1K3 4 P3TUL4NT L1TTL3 W1GGL3R >:P CG: HEY I PROMISED I'D TELL YOU. CG: I JUST CG: WASN'T READY OK GC: W3LL GC: 1TS OK GC: 1 KNOW WH4T COLOR YOUR BLOOD 1S 4NYW4Y >:] CG: NO YOU DON'T GC: YUP, 1 TOT4LLY DO CG: LIES, I'VE BEEN VERY CAREFUL. CG: NOT LIKE ALL YOU CLASSLESS SHITBAGS WHO SLOP YOUR BLOOD ALL OVER THE PLACE EVERY GODDAMN MINUTE LIKE IT'S SOME WEIRD FETISH. GC: 3RR GC: HM >:\ CG: WHAT GC: BL4R GC: HOLD ON CG: WHAT IS IT? GC: 1 S41D HOLD ON! SOM3T1M3S 1TS H4RD TO P1CK OUT TH3 L3TT3RS FROM TH3 HOLO PROJ3CT1ON GC: 1 N33D TO G3T 4 CLOS3R LOOK! CG: ARE YOU LICKING YOUR GLASSES AGAIN? CG: I HATE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT, IT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING. GC: NOMP, WH4TH WOULB EBER G1TH YOU TH4TH 1BE4??? GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3
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GC: TH4T 1S B3TT3R GC: 1TS MUCH 34S13R TO R34D YOUR COLOR TH1S W4Y GC: YOUR DR4B D1RTY P4V3M3NT GR4Y GC: ON TOP OF BR1GHT C4NDY R3D, L1K3 4 SH1NY LOLL1POP GC: DO3S TH4T SOUND F4M1L14R K4RK4T?? CG: YES, I'M EXTREMELY FAMILIAR WITH THIS SORT OF NONSENSE BY NOW, SURE. GC: NO 1 M34N GC: GR4Y ON R3D GC: L1K3 TH3 W4Y YOUR SK1N GC: CONC34LS YOUR BLOOD CG: WHAT GC: C4NDY C4NDY R3D! GC: L1K3 YOUR PL4N3T GC: YOU H4V3 STRONG CH3RRY COUGH SYRUP 1N YOUR V31NS! 1T 1S COMPL3T3LY D3L1C1OUS. CG: WHO TOLD YOU CG: DID JACK TELL YOU GC: NO H3 DO3SNT T4LK MUCH GC: 1 F1GUR3D 1T OUT MYS3LF CG: HOW GC: 1 GOT 4 CLOS3R LOOK GC: R3M3MB3R >:] CG: NO GC: PFFF YOU 4R3 PL4Y1NG SO DUMB, YOU KNOW 3X4CTLY WH4T 1 4M T4LK1NG 4BOUT CG: I CLEANED UP MY WOUND AND CHANGED MY SHIRT BEFORE I EVEN MET YOU, I'VE BEEN EXTREMELY CAREFUL. CG: SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FILL ME IN. GC: 1T W4S WH3N 1 GOT CLOS3 3NOUGH GC: TO SM3LL 1T UND3R YOUR SK1N GC: PL34S3 K4RK4T, DO NOT PR3T3ND TH4T YOU FORGOT 4BOUT OUR L1TTL3 MOM3NT CG: WHOA CG: YOU MEAN CG: DURING CG: FUCK. CG: OK SHHHHHHHHHH SHH SHH SHH... CG: LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT THIS, NOT HERE. GC: TH1S 1SNT 4 M3MO! GC: 1TS 4 PR1V4T3 CORR3SPOND3NC3 JUST B3TW33N US, R3M3MB3R? CG: I KNOW BUT CG: DAMMIT CG: WRITING ALL THESE MEMOS HAS MADE ME PARANOID. CG: IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL SECURE CHATTING ABOUT IT OVER THE CLIENT, I DUNNO. CG: WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT IN PERSON. GC: HOW "1N P3RSON" DO YOU M34N? GC: UH OH LOOK 4T MY 3Y3BROWS G3TT1NG C4RR13D 4W4Y H3R3 GC: >;] GC: > ;] GC: >;] GC: > ;] GC: >;] GC: > ;] GC: K4RK4T H3LP, TH3Y 4R3 OUT OF CONTROL!!! CG: THOSE ARE EYEBROWS? CG: I THOUGHT THEY WERE HORNS. GC: TH3Y 4R3 HORNS TOO GC: TH3Y 4R3 4R3 WH4T3V3R 1 W4NT TH3M TO B3 CG: ?:B GC: DONT CH4NG3 TH3 SUBJ3CT BY B31NG CUT3! CG: WELL APPARENTLY I JUST CAN'T FUCKING HELP MYSELF CAN I. GC: NOP3 CG: HOW CAN YOU EVEN SMELL SO DAMN WELL, ANYWAY. CG: YOU GIVE ME A HARD TIME ABOUT BEING COY ABOUT SHIT CG: BUT WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR CRAZY SENSES YOU'RE SO VAGUE, IT'S LIKE TRYING TO DECIPHER THE DAILY HOROSCOPE RIDDLE. CG: OR THE RIDDLES FOR ALL 48 SIGNS COMBINED. GC: 444RGH GC: YOU 4R3 4 R3L3NTL3SS SUBJ3CT CH4NG3R! >XO GC: F1N3, 1TS OK 1F YOU DONT W4NT TO T4LK 4BOUT 1T GC: GOD YOU 4R3 SOOOOO SHY FOR 4N 4NGRY GUY WHO W4NTS TO B3 4 B1GSHOT L34D3R, 1TS R1D1CULOUS CG: LOOK CG: WE'LL TALK CG: I PROMISE CG: WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY SOME STUFF ABOUT YOURSELF FOR A CHANGE CG: AND CUT ME SOME SLACK. GC: OK >:]
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GC: 1M SUR3 1 M3NT1ON3D 4FT3R YOU M3T MY SPR1T3 GC: 1 L34RN3D FROM H3R THROUGH MY DR34MS GC: B3FOR3 SH3 H4TCH3D! CG: YEAH, BUT IT'S STILL SO VAGUE. CG: THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT. CG: HOW ABOUT A STRAIGHT ANSWER? GC: OK, 1LL TRY GC: WH3N 1 W3NT BL1ND, TH4TS WH3N 1 F1RST WOK3 UP GC: 4ND MY LUSUS H3LP3D M3 W4K3 UP! GC: SORT OF CG: YOU MEAN ON PROSPIT'S MOON. GC: Y3S GC: BUT GC: 3XC3PT FOR 4 V3RY BR13F MOM3NT... GC: 1 W4S BL1ND 1N MY DR34MS TOO GC: TH3 DR34M S3LF 1M4G3 1 PROJ3CT C4N'T S33, B3C4US3 1 GU3SS D33P DOWN 1 DONT R34LLY W4NT TO CG: WHY IS THAT. CG: IS IT OUT OF SPITE TO VRISKA? CG: I KNOW I'D PROBABLY BE COOL WITH IT OUT OF SPITE MORE THAN ANYTHING. GC: NO GC: NOT TH4T TH3R3 W4SNT SOM3 S4T1SF4CT1ON 1N B31NG OK4Y W1TH 1T GC: GR4T3FUL 4BOUT 1T 3V3N! GC: 4ND M4K1NG SUR3 SH3 KN3W TH4T GC: BUT TH4TS NOT 1T GC: TH3 D4Y 1T H4PP3N3D W4S TH3 F1RST T1M3 1 3V3R H34RD FROM MY LUSUS GC: SH3 WOK3 M3 UP, 4ND 3V3R S1NC3 H4S B33N T34CH1NG M3 4 D1FF3R3NT W4Y TO S33 GC: 4 D1FF3R3NT W4Y TO P3RC31V3 3V3RYTH1NG 1 GU3SS, NOT JUST 1N 4 S3NSORY W4Y CG: OK, SO WHY DID YOU NEVER TELL ME ANY OF THIS? GC: YOU WOULDNT H4V3 GOTT3N 1T! GC: 3V3N NOW YOU ST1LL DONT R34LLY GC: YOU H4V3 NOT 3V3N S33N SK414 Y3T CG: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WAKE UP. GC: 1 DONT KNOW! GC: SOM3TH1NG D1FF3R3NT DO3S 1T FOR 3V3RYBODY CG: HOW MANY OF US ARE AWAKE NOW? CG: HOW MUCH OF THE FUTURE DID YOU "SEE" BEFORE WE STARTED CG: IN THE CLOUDS, LIKE KANAYA CG: ALSO HOW DID YOU GO BLIND ANYWAY??? CG: WHAT DID SHE DO TO YOU, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SO CAGEY ABOUT THAT. CG: I STILL DON'T SEE HOW SHE COULD BLIND YOU WITHOUT BEING ANYWHERE NEAR YOU. CG: OBVIOUSLY SHE CAN'T CONTROL YOU, SO WHAT GIVES? GC: K4RK4T SHUT UP! GC: GOD GC: HOW 4BOUT 1F GC: 1 T3LL YOU 4LL 4BOUT TH4T STUFF N3XT T1M3 W3 4R3 "1N P3RSON" >;] GC: 1N F4CT, 1 W1LL T3LL YOU WH3N YOU W4K3 UP! GC: UNT1L TH3N 1 W1LL K33P T4BS ON YOU 1N YOUR TOW3R WH1L3 YOU SL33P L1K3 4 L1TTL3 HON3Y P4J4M4'D PUP4 N3STL3D 1N H1S COCOON CG: WAIT LET ME GUESS. CG: DO I LOOK ADORABLE????????? GC: 4CTU4LLY GC: YOU LOOK K1ND OF L1K3 4 B1G P1L3 OF SM3LLY B4RF CG: WOW, WHAT THE FUCK. GC: OF COOOOUUUUURS3 YOU DO, DUMB4SS >:] CG: OH CG: THEN CG: GOOD I GUESS GC: OK 1V3 GOT TO FLY GC: DONT WORRY 4BOUT TH3 R1NG M1SS1ON GC: YOU C4N ST4Y BUSY W1TH R3G1SURP GC: 1 W1LL ORG4N1Z3 TH3 N3W M1SS1ON MYS3LF GC: L4T3R! CG: WAIT CG: TEREZI CG: PLEASE DON'T TELL THEM ABOUT MY BLOOD. CG: I WANT TO TELL THEM, I MEAN I WILL TELL THEM. CG: LATER CG: ONCE THEY RESPECT ME AS A LEADER. GC: OK GC: 1 W1LL K33P TH4T S3CR3T 1F YOU K33P TH1S ON3 1 T3LL YOU GC: WH1CH 1S TH4T GC: B3TW33N YOU 4ND M3 K4RK4T GC: 1 TH1NK TH3Y 4LR34DY DO GC: BY3! GC: <3 CG: BYE
Someone needs to grab the reins on timeline management here. These delinquents waste too much time. Can't seem to conduct their business with any efficiency at all.
Payback scenarios notwithstanding. There's always time to be made for a good comeuppance.
FAA 2:16 HOURS FROM NOW opened memo on board r0ad t0 the und0ing.
FAA: this private b0ard will and has already served as a l0g 0f past events f0r future selves t0 rec0rd and a guide 0f future events f0r past selves t0 f0ll0w FAA: i d0nt kn0w which half 0f its r0le has been 0r will be m0re imp0rtant FAA: p0ssibly neither is critical since deviati0n fr0m the c0urse is m0stly imp0ssible and reflecti0n 0n its traversal is c0mpletely irrelevant FAA: but im typing this anyway FAA: because im b0red again PAST apocalypseArisen [PAA] 601 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PAA: and here i was thinking we were finished taking 0rders fr0m v0ices! PAA: weve 0nly swapped the imperatives 0f the dead with th0se 0f 0ur future selves PAA: wh0 are als0 dead FAA: yes it seems that way PAA: 0h well it was an enj0yable reprieve fr0m fatalism while it lasted PAA: id nearly managed t0 sav0r it FAA: an err0r narr0wly av0ided then FAA: i think we sh0uld refrain fr0m dial0gue in this mem0 FAA: with0ut res0rting t0 bannings 0r absurd exchanges 0f self repudiati0n PAA: yeah i agree PAA: i just th0ught id interject that and g0 FAA: 0k
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FAA: we will and have already amassed an army t0 c0nfr0nt the black king FAA: an army c0nsisting 0f 0ur alternate future selves FAA: each 0ne rer0uted fr0m a d00med 0ffsh00t 0f the alpha timeline FAA: each given an0ther chance at a c0nstructive influence 0ver the ultimate 0utc0me FAA: by the way if y0u didnt kn0w already FAA: a future self returning t0 the past fr0m a d00med timeline will always be slated f0r imminent destructi0n herself FAA: its 0ne 0f the rules FAA: and the unf0rtunate reality is FAA: this will and has already been a mass suicide missi0n FAA: 0r it w0uld be FAA: and already w0uld have been FAA: if we all werent already dead FAA: 0_0
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FAA: m0bilizing 0urselves in such numbers w0uld be required t0 neutralize the kings psychic attacks FAA: it w0uld take 0ur c0mbined c0ncentrati0n t0 dampen the abilities he inherited fr0m glbg0lyb FAA: with0ut the cumulative eff0rt 0f 0ur d00med reserves FAA: with0ut the heightened mental and physical endurance 0f 0ur r0b0tic vessels FAA: with0ut the untimely demise we all shared bef0re this began FAA: vict0ry w0uld n0t be p0ssible FAA: he w0uld kill us all with 0ne dreadful s0und
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FAA: i d0nt kn0w if it was just bad luck FAA: 0r an extensi0n 0f the curse karkat insists he br0ught 0n us FAA: that lead t0 the incidental and unf0rtuit0us pr0t0typing 0f feferis p0werful lusus FAA: with0ut which the battle w0uld have p0sed little challenge FAA: i think FAA: it was m0re likely just an0ther inevitability FAA: a pr0duct 0f c0llusi0n between the disparate f0rces at play FAA: a bargain struck between what skaia kn0ws already and what the g0ds demand up fr0nt FAA: t0gether they 0rchestrate trials sufficient t0 ensure FAA: that in 0verc0ming them we w0uld be pr0ven w0rthy FAA: 0f inheriting <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/ultimatereward.gif" border="0" />
FAA: ribbit FAA: wh00ps
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FAA: and s0 it w0uld be and has been already FAA: that while distracted by the c0mbined eff0rts 0f 0ur d00med legi0n FAA: the king w0uld be aggressed by the 0thers FAA: and even th0ugh each w0uld be well prepared FAA: perched 0n the highest rungs 0f their echeladders FAA: equipped with the best weap0nry grist c0uld build FAA: versed in the deadliest fraym0tifs b00nd0llars c0uld buy
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FAA: bef0re we w0uld be able t0 claim it FAA: we w0uld be interrupted FAA: by s0mething FAA: which w0uld be ushered int0 0ur sessi0n by a rift in parad0x space FAA: a rift which we w0uld determine FAA: will be 0pened by f0ur members 0f a fledgling species FAA: wh0 will be playing in an0ther sessi0n 0f the same game that we will and have already played
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FAA: their rift will lead t0 the great und0ing FAA: with0ut necessarily causing it FAA: n0t directly FAA: such rifts are themselves supp0sedly benign FAA: useful even FAA: they are catal0gued phen0mena within the game itself FAA: with a pr0vided means 0f creating them FAA: and a wide range 0f scenari0s f0r which it might be prudent t0 d0 s0 FAA: the incipisphere l0cals have a m0re f0rmal term f0r them FAA: they typically refer t0 such a rift as
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CAA: the direct effects 0f a scratch are limited t0 the sessi0n inv0king it CAA: we w0uld n0t experience 0r 0bserve th0se effects fr0m 0ur sessi0n CAA: but we w0uld experience the c0nsequences CAA: in the f0rm 0f that which prevented us fr0m claiming 0ur reward CAA: he wh0se hand w0uld be f0rced by the scratch CAA: t0 emerge fr0m hiding
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CAA: but there w0uld be n0 adequate way t0 prepare CAA: even with all the f0resight at 0ur disp0sal CAA: f0r a f0e m0re p0werful than the king we will and have already defeated CAA: f0r a dem0n wh0 is indestructible CAA: 0mnip0tent CAA: and enraged
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CAA: we w0uld return t0 the site 0f 0ur hatching CAA: s0 t0 speak CAA: where we w0uld hide CAA: amidst a veil depleted by the reck0ning CAA: and wait CAA: drifting in the wide 0rbit 0f 0ur s00n t0 be null sessi0n
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carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]
CG: ATTENTION WORTHLESS HUMAN. CG: THIS IS YOUR GOD SPEAKING. CG: IT IS A WRATHFUL GOD WHO DESPISES YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLY DARED TO FEAR. CG: I HAVE WATCHED YOUR ENTIRE PATHETIC LIFE UNFOLD. CG: I HAVE OBSERVED YOU WHILE YOU WOULD QUAKE AND TREMBLE IN PERSONAL PRAYERS OF SHAME. CG: WHILE YOU PLEADED FORGIVENESS FOR BEING SUCH A WRETCHED DISGUSTING FAILURE ON EVERY CONCEIVABLE LEVEL. CG: PROSTRATE BEFORE THE STUPID AND FALSE CLOWN GODS YOU HAVE SCRIBBLED ON THE WALLS OF YOUR BLOCK. CG: BOGUS DEITIES WORSHIPED BY A PRIMITIVE "PARADISE" PLANET. CG: BUT YOUR PRAYERS WILL NOT BE ANSWERED. CG: THERE ARE NO MIRACLES IN STORE FOR YOU, HUMAN. CG: ONLY MY HATE. CG: IT IS A HATE SO PURE AND HOT IT WOULD CONSUME YOUR SAD UNDERDEVELOPED HUMAN THINK PAN TO EVEN CONTEMPLATE. CG: IT IS A HATE THAT TO FATHOM MUST BE PUT INTO SONG. CG: SHRIEKED BY THE TEN THOUSAND ROWDY SHOUT SPHINCTERS PEPPERING THE GRUESOME UNDERBELLY OF THE MOST TRUCULENT GOD THE FURTHEST RING CAN MUSTER. CG: IT IS A HATE THAT MADE YOU AND WILL SURELY DESTROY YOU. CG: MY HATE IS THE LIFEBLOOD THAT PULSES THROUGH THE VEINS OF YOUR UNIVERSE. CG: IT IS MY GIFT TO YOU. CG: YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT. CG: YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT. EB: hi karkat! CG: WHAT CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME. EB: oh man. EB: this is it, isn't it? EB: i've been looking forward to this! CG: WHAT IS IT. CG: ME HATING YOU IS WHAT'S IT. CG: IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN, YEAH, BINGO. EB: no, i mean this is the first conversation between us, from your perspective. EB: right? CG: YEAH. CG: ARE YOU SUGGESTING WE'VE SPOKEN BEFORE. EB: yeah, lots of times! EB: actually... EB: i should introduce myself properly. EB: hi karkat, i am john! CG: JOHN, WHY WOULD I GIVE A PUNGENT WHIPPING LUMPSQUIRT WHAT YOUR NAME IS. EB: because we are buddies! CG: I ADMIT I AM NEW TO HUMAN SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS CG: BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE OUR RELATIONSHIP CAN OR WILL EVER BE DESCRIBED AS "EARTH HUMAN BUDDIES". EB: yup, we totally are. EB: we just became earth human buddies in a kind of weird way. EB: you decide to keep talking to me backwards through my adventure. EB: and then when you are done with that you come back and talk to me more recently on the timeline for a while. EB: you talk to my friends a whole bunch too. EB: you and your alternian troll buddies help me and my earth human buddies hatch a plan! EB: which we are busy putting into motion right now, as you can see. CG: THESE ARE LIES. CG: I KNOW WHEN I AM BEING TROLLED, WHO DO YOU EVEN THINK YOU ARE TALKING TO HERE. CG: I AM YOUR GOD, REMEMBER. EB: yeah yeah, i know. CG: WHY WOULD I TROLL YOU BACKWARDS? THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE. CG: AND WHY WOULD I HELP YOU AND YOUR IDIOT FRIENDS? CG: I WOULD JUST BE HELPING YOU BLUNDER DOWN THE PATH THAT ENDS WITH YOU OPENING THE RIFT LIKE A BUNCH OF MORONS. EB: you mean the scratch? CG: WHATEVER. EB: yes! that is the plan. EB: you yourself said it was the only hope now. CG: RIDICULOUS. CG: I DIDN'T WRIGGLE OUT OF A PUDDLE OF SLIME YESTERDAY. CG: THAT WAS SEVERAL WEEKS AGO, OK? EB: heheheh. CG: I DO NOT THINK YOU APPRECIATE THE GRAVITY OF MY ANTIPATHY, JOHN HUMAN. EB: egbert. CG: OK, HUMAN EGBERT. CG: I FUCKING LOATHE YOU, AND I HAVE TUNED INTO YOUR CHANNEL MOMENTS BEFORE THE ERADICATION OF YOUR TIMELINE AND THAT SMUG LOOK ON YOUR FACE, WITH JUST ENOUGH TIME FOR ME TO BASICALLY COMPLETELY FUCKING DESTROY YOU WITH HOSTILE RHETORIC. CG: THERE IS NO CHANCE I WILL EVER HELP YOU. CG: YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I HATE YOU OR WHY I HATE YOU. CG: I WASN'T JOKING WHEN I SAID I WAS YOUR GOD, LIKE THAT WASN'T JUST A LOT OF BRAVADO AND USELESS PISSING AROUND. CG: I AM LITERALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR EXISTENCE. CG: WE BEAT THE GAME YOU ARE PLAYING AND CREATED YOUR UNIVERSE. CG: WE WERE GOING TO ENTER YOUR UNIVERSE AND RULE OVER IT. CG: LIKE TYRANTS. CG: IT WAS TO BE OUR PLAYTHING, JOHN. CG: YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW SWEET IT WAS GOING TO BE. CG: BUT THEN WE COULDN'T CLAIM OUR PRIZE BECAUSE OF THAT MONSTROSITY YOU SPRUNG ON US. EB: man... EB: i knoooow. EB: none of this is news to me, karkat! EB: but to be quite honest, it doesn't sound like your intentions were all that great. EB: wanting to be tyrants and all. EB: maybe you got what you deserved, you stutid fuckass! CG: STUTID? CG: WOW, YOUR SPECIES REALLY IS BRAINDEAD. EB: eh, it's an in-joke, never mind. EB: anyway, hey! EB: i thought this was supposed to be the conversation where you do all that AMAAAAAZING TROLLING! EB: come on bro, flame me! EB: i have been really excited about this. CG: YOU ACTUALLY WANT ME TO TROLL YOU? CG: I MEAN CG: DON'T WORRY, I CAN AND I WILL, AND IT WILL BE A GODDAMN BLOODBATH WHEN I GET STARTED. CG: IT'S JUST KIND OF WEIRD YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT IT, IS THAT NORMAL FOR YOUR RACE? EB: um... EB: i don't know, probably not. EB: i just think it's kind of funny when you do it. CG: THAT'S REALLY CONDESCENDING AND IT'S HARD TO CONVEY HOW MUCH MORE I JUST GOT PISSED OFF THAN I ALREADY WAS. CG: BUT MAYBE IT MAKES SENSE ACTUALLY CG: THAT YOU WELCOME MY ACRIMONY SO READILY CG: ON ACCOUNT OF PROBABLY SOME WEIRD GLAND HUMANS HAVE, LIKE A PUNISHMENT THROBBER OR SOME SILLY SOUNDING THING LIKE THAT. CG: IT MIGHT MEAN THAT I'M RIGHT ABOUT YOU. EB: right about what? CG: I MEAN THAT IT SEEMS LIKE WE ARE CONNECTED IN SOME WAY, DON'T YOU THINK JOHN. CG: SORT OF COSMICALLY. CG: LIKE OUR HATE FOR EACH OTHER IS SO STRONG IT MUST HAVE BEEN WRITTEN IN THE STARS. CG: YOU KNOW, THE ONES I FUCKING MADE FOR YOU. EB: ha ha, i don't hate you! CG: HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY CLAIM TO HAVE TALKED TO ME A LOT ALREADY AND NOT HATE ME, SEE IT DOESN'T ADD UP. EB: wait... EB: are you saying that we are kisme-whatevers? CG: WHAT, NO. CG: WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR, THAT WOULD BE SUCH A BRAZEN SOLICITATION. CG: IT'S INSULTING. CG: I MEAN CG: OK I'M NOT SAYING I'M RULING OUT THE IDEA OR ANYTHING. CG: LIKE IF LATER OVER TIME YOU STARTED REALLY HATING ME MORE CG: LIKE REALLY GOT TO KNOW ME AND FOUND OUT ABOUT HOW MUCH THERE WAS TO HATE EB: er... CG: BUT... IN THE PAST I GUESS? I'M JUST SAYING WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAPPEN. CG: OR HAS ALREADY HAPPENED. EB: uh. CG: FUCK WHAT AM I BABBLING ABOUT. CG: THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS, WE JUST MET FOR FUCK'S SAKE. CG: AND IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE EVER GOING TO MEET IN PERSON, SO IT'S ALL A MOOT POINT. CG: SO FORGET I SAID ANYTHING. CG: GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. EB: well... EB: i just didn't really have any idea that you had any sort of feelings like that, so i am kind of caught off guard. CG: WHAT FEELINGS, THERE ARE NO FEELINGS, END OF DISCUSSION. EB: hey, i don't have a problem with your weird sort of alien hate-love thing! EB: it is just that, uh... CG: WHAT EB: i am not a homosexual. CG: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? EB: it is like, when a boy likes another boy. EB: or i guess hates, in this case. CG: HUMANS HAVE A WORD FOR THAT? EB: yes. CG: HOW IS THAT EVEN A THING? EB: shrug. it just is. CG: HUMAN ROMANCE SURE IS WEIRD. EB: i am just as confused by your troll shenanigans. EB: so many shenanigans! EB: anyway, i kind of got the impression that you and terezi were a thing. CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN A THING. EB: like, i dunno. EB: going on weird fight dates and beating the crap out of each other, and being in hate-love or love-hate. EB: isn't that how it works? CG: YOU ARE SUCH AN IGNORAMUS I COULD SHIT MILES OF RAGE SNAKE TO CHOKE YOU TO DEATH. EB: ew. CG: WHO HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO, WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THAT. EB: um, i talked to you... EB: and her... EB: and some others. i don't know! like i said it's just a sense i got. EB: sorry! CG: OK FIRST OF ALL, IF THERE WERE A "THING" WITH HER, AND THAT'S A HUGE IF CG: IT WOULD BE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT QUADRANT THAN WHAT WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT. EB: oh god, the quadrants... CG: SECOND, WHETHER SHE AND I HAVE A THING OR DON'T HAVE A THING, OR TOOK A ROMANTIC HOT AIR BALLOON RIDE SUSPENDED IN A GODDAMN FILIAL PAIL TOGETHER CG: IT'S DEFINITELY NONE OF YOUR FUCKING EARTH BUSINESS, EGBERT HUMAN JOHN. CG: GOT IT???????? EB: ok, sheesh! EB: karkat, i am going to be honest... EB: this first conversation is not going how i thought it would at all! EB: it is really kind of... EB: awkward. CG: YEAH CG: WOW, IT IS EB: yeah... CG: HUH. EB: well... EB: um... CG: OK, LOOK. CG: LET'S JUST AGREE TO NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN. CG: THE STUFF I WAS BABBLING ABOUT EARLIER. EB: yeah, well we never really talked about it in the past, so i guess we do agree to that. CG: BUT IF I TALK TO YOU AGAIN CG: IN YOUR FUTURE, LIMITED THOUGH IT IS CG: YOU'LL REMEMBER MY EMBARRASSING SHIT CG: SO I GUESS CG: I'LL HAVE TO TROLL YOU BACKWARDS? EB: told you bro!!!!!!! EB: hahahaha. CG: YOU REALLY ARE A SMUG NOOK WHIFFER, JOHN EGBERT. CG: I THINK WE NEED TO GET BACK ON POINT HERE. CG: WHICH IS ADDRESSING THE MATTER OF WHAT INCOMPREHENSIBLY PUTRID GARBAGE YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE AND HOW MUCH I HATE YOU. EB: you mean platonic hate? CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP, WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THAT, REMEMBER. EB: oh yeah. CG: SO YOU WANTED TO GET TROLLED, WELL YOU GOT IT. CG: PREPARE TO GET YOUR PUNY HUMAN BULGE FLAMED INTO NUCLEAR HATEBLIVION. CG: WELCOME TO THE TROLLOCAUST. THE PAINSTAKING GENOCIDE OF YOUR FRAGILE SELF ESTEEM WILL BE MY SWAN SONG. EB: oh boy, this sounds great. EB: but... EB: we're out of time! EB: i have to go put this plan into motion. CG: OH I SEE, TAKING THE COWARD'S WAY OUT. CG: SCAMPERING OFF TO GET ANNIHILATED BY A DEADLY RIFT, HOW CONVENIENT. CG: WELL FINE, SAYONARA YOU WORTHLESS CROTCHSTAINED BARFPUPPET. CG: I WILL BID YOU ONE FIRST AND FINAL FUCK YOU. CG: FUCK YOU, JOHN EGBERT. CG: FUCK YOU AND FUCK THE JOKE BOOK YOU RODE IN ON. CG: FUCK. CG: FUCKING. CG: YOU. EB: :D EB: see you soon! CG: WAIT CG: WHAT
|PESTERLOG|
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN.
CGC: WH4T DO YOU GUYS TH1NK 4BOUT K4RK4TS N3W PL4N CGC: TO TROLL TH3S3 K1DS CGC: P3RSON4LLY 1 TH1NK H3 H4S F1N4LLY SN4PP3D 4ND 1T DO3SNT M4K3 4NY S3NS3 CGC: 1 F1GUR3D M4YB3 W3 COULD T4LK 4BOUT 1T H3R3 1N S3CR3T WH1L3 H3 ST4NDS OV3R TH3R3 M4K1NG H1S BOR1NG 1NSP1R4T1ON4L SP33CH CGC: 1M PR3TTY SUR3 H3S STOPP3D BOTH3R1NG TO 1NV4D3 P4RTYTOWN, H3 H4S L34RN3D H1S L3SSON >:] CGC: OBV1OUSLY TH1S 1S JUST FOR US H3R3 1N TH3 PR3S3NT TO R3M4RK ON CGC: 1F YOU 4R3 FROM TH3 P4ST 4ND 4R3 CUR1OUS 4BOUT TH1S 4ND W4NT TO S4Y SOM3TH1NG YOU W1LL NOT B3 B4NN3D 4S 1S TH3 G3N3R4L RUL3 H3R3 CGC: BUT 1 W1LL POL1T3LY 4SK YOU TO K33P YOUR 1NT3RJ3CT1ONS TO 4 M1N1MUM! CGC: 1 W1LL H4V3 ORD3R 1N TH1S RUMPUSBLOCK >:D PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 7 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG: YOU THINK I STOPPED KEEPING TABS ON YOUR VAPID, SEDITIOUS BULLSHIT??? PCG: THINK A FUCKING GAIN. CGC banned PCG from responding to memo.
CGC: TH3 TOP1C 1S NOW OP3N FOR 4RGUM3NT4T1ON CGC: *H3R TYR4NNY Y13LDS TH3 FLOOR W1TH 4 M1GHTY B4NG OF H3R G4V3L* CGC: B4NG B4NG B4NG! CGC: THR33 M1GHTY B4NGS CGC: WH4T DO YOU H4V3 TO SUBM1T ON TH3 SUBJ3CT OF K4RK4TS T3NUOUS GR1P ON TH3 T4TT3R3D R3M41NS OF H1S S4N1TY, COUNS3LOR N3P3T4? CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAC: :33 < *the especially impurrtant pouncellor looks really serious and thoughtful as she scoots her chair out from under the official courty looking table and begins to pace around thoughtfurry* CAC: :33 < *she doesnt understand why CAC: :33 < i dont understand why we are doing this! CAC: :33 < what was the point again? CGC: 3XC3LL3NT QU3ST1ON M1SS POUNC3LLOR PAST carcinoGeneticist 2 [PCG2] 5 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG2: ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED. PCG2: I CAN PLAINLY SEE YOU ARE GOING TO START WRITING THIS MEMO IN FIVE MINUTES. PCG2: ALL I HAVE TO DO IS GO MAKE MY "BOR1NG 1NSP1R4T1ON4L SP33CH" AND THEN WALK OVER TO YOUR COMPUTER AND START FUCKING WITH YOU. PCG2: GO AHEAD, BAN ME ALL YOU WANT. CGC banned PCG2 from responding to memo.
CGC: *H3R TYR4NNY 3XPR3SS3S D1SD41NFUL Y3T 4UTHOR4T1V3 1NT3R3ST 1N OTH3R OP1N1ONS ON TH3 STUP1D3ST PL4N 3V3R CONC31V3D* CGC: 4NY THOUGHTS? CAC: :33 < i dont s33 why karkat has to always be banned from these memos! CAC: :33 < what if he promises to behave himself? CGC: W3 H4V3 B33N OV3R TH1S >:[ CAC: :33 < what if i talk to him in the past and told him he could post here as long as he was not purrticularly disagr33able? CAC: :33 < thats a good idea! brb CGC: OH GOD! PAST carcinoGeneticist 3 [PCG3] 10 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG3: THANK YOU NEPETA, FOR ALERTING ME TO THE PRESENCE OF YET MORE OF THIS TAWDRY ROLEPLAY-INFESTED CLOAK AND DAGGER RUBBISH. PCG3: HOW VERY INTERESTING. CGC: *H3R TYR4NNY F4C3 P4LMS 1N 4 R34LLY D1GN1F13D 4ND 1NT1M1D4T1NGLY JUD1C14L M4NN3R* CGC banned PCG3 from responding to memo.
CGC: *TH3 D1ST1NGU1SH3D POUNC3LLOR R3C31V3S 4 HUNDR3D B1LL1ON RUMPUS D3M3R1TS FOR 1NV1T1NG UNCOUTH R4BBL3 1NTO H3R ORD3RLY BLOCK* CAC: :33 < :(( CURRENT twinArmageddons [CTA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTA: ii already told KK what ii thought about thii2 awful iidea. CTA: iit ju2t make2 NO 2en2e, you can count me out. CTA: you all can troll the2e iincompetent aliien2 all you want, iit won't change anythiing. CTA: ii'll ju2t be over here waiitiing two diie wiith diigniity, ok well maybe iit'2 two late for that, but ju2t diie ii gue22, and y'all can 2uck iit biitche2. CGC: TH3 M4G1STR4T3 FROM TH3 D3L1C1OUS 4PPL3B3RRY JUR1SD1CT1ON M4K3S 4N 3XC3LL3NT PO1NT 4BOUT TH3 OV3R4LL SH1TT1N3SS OF TH3 PROPOS1T1ON CGC: 4ND 4BOUT M4N4G1NG TO B3 4N 3V3N GRUMP13R P41N 1N TH3 4SS TH4N OUR F34RL3SS L34D3R SOM3HOW CTA: ii don't get why you're RP'iing about thii2, iit doe2n't make 2en2e, you're all out of your fuckiing 2ponge2. CTA: why don't you ju2t u2e our name2. CGC: >:O CGC banned CTA from responding to memo.
CGC unbanned CTA from responding to memo.
CGC: OK SORRY 4BOUT TH4T CGC: THOLLLLUUUUUUXXXXTHHHH CGC: TH3R3 4R3 YOU H4PPY CTA: whatever. PAST carcinoGeneticist 4 [PCG4] 4 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG4: YOU BASTARD, IS IT REALLY SO MUCH TO ASK TO TAKE A FEW TOOLS OUT BEHIND THE GRUBSHED. PCG4: ALL I'M ASKING YOU TO DO IS HASSLE SOME ALIENS, GOD. PCG4: AFTER ALL THOSE TIMES I SAVED YOUR LIFE YOU THINK YOU COULD DO ME ONE LITTLE SOLID. CTA: yeah after you got me kiilled iin the fiir2t place. PCG4: HOW CAN YOU THROW THAT IN MY FACE AGAIN, I THOUGHT WE WERE COOL. CTA: ii 2aiid whatever. CGC: UUUGH CGC banned PCG4 from responding to memo.
CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAA: i will n0t be participating CAA ceased responding to memo.
PAST carcinoGeneticist 5 [PCG5] 3 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG5: OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW. PCG5: THAT'S IT GUYS, THE PLAN IS CANCELED. PCG5: ARADIA ISN'T GOING TO MOPE AT THESE LOSERS FOR US, THE WHOLE PLAN HINGED ON THAT. CGC banned PCG5 from responding to memo.
CURRENT cuttlefishCuller [CCC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCC: I still don't quite understand t)(e plan eit)(er. CCC: I mean, I don't really mind talking to t)(em! It could be fun and t)(ey look interesting. CCC: But I really don't t)(ink t)(is is all t)(eir fault. CCC: Can't we say nice t)(ings to t)(em instead of troll t)(em? CCC: Maybe even )(-ELP t)(em! 38) PAST carcinoGeneticist 6 [PCG6] 2 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG6: NO, FUCK. PCG6: YOU CAN'T BE NICE TO THEM. PCG6: YOU ARE COMPLETELY MISSING THE GLUBBING POINT, FISH PRINCESS. CGC banned PCG6 from responding to memo.
PAST carcinoGeneticist 7 [PCG7] 2 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG7: HEY TEREZI I'M ABOUT TO MAKE THIS AWESOME SPEECH AND INSPIRE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU GUYS. PCG7: WHEN I'M DONE I'M COMING OVER TO YOUR STATION AND THEN YOUR ASS IS MINE. PCG7: ENJOY THIS GARBAGE DUMP OF A MEMO WHILE IT LASTS. CGC: BL444444R >XO CGC banned PCG7 from responding to memo.
CGC: TH1S 1S WHY W3 C4NT H4V3 N1C3 TH1NGS CGC: 1M T3MPT3D TO CLOS3 TH1S M3MO NOW >:\ CGC: 1F 4NYON3 H4S 4NYTH1NG TO S4Y S4Y 1T QU1CK! PAST carcinoGeneticist 8 [PCG8] 2 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
CGC banned PCG8 from responding to memo.
CGC: NOT YOU PAST terminallyCapricious [PTC] 420 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PTC: YeAh iM NoT FoLlOwInG ThIs mOtHeRfUcKiN PlAn uP At aLl PTC: wHo aRe wE TrOlLiNg CGC: G4MZ33 TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON 1S T4K1NG PL4C3 W33KS 1N TH3 FUTUR3 CGC: 1T DO3S NOT CONC3RN YOU! PTC: oH PTC: WeLl mOtHeR FuCk i gUeSs CGC: DONT WORRY 4BOUT 1T >:P CGC: JUST SCROLL 4ROUND 4ND LOOK FOR ON3 OF TH3 RRPT OP3N CH4T M3MOS PTC: oKaY PTC: HoNk :o) CGC: LKSD;GDKNLN CGC: ASDM SDFSFD9W30 CGC: DFD; CGC: GH CGC: EUHFHSDKLNVSDJKLSJKBSDJKF PTC: wHoA CGC: K4RK4T IS M4SHING MY K3YBOSDVFDNFLBLGBGSDGFSB['A CGC: AKJFA CGC: SEUFHWEUIONDN CGC: AUIHDF CGC: SDSAD CGC: 4444UGH H3 1S SUCH 4 L1TTL3SDKJGBSDJKBG CGC banned herself from responding to memo.
CGC unbanned herself from responding to memo.
CGC banned herself from responding to memo.
CGC unbanned herself from responding to memo.
CGC banned herself from responding to memo.
CGC unbanned herself from responding to memo.
CGC: FUUUUUUUUCK!!!!! CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCG: OH NOW WHAT'S UP??????????? CGC: GOD D4MM1T H3 LOGG3D ON TO MY COMPURO3IHHGRNVNFSDKS'SD CGC: 4ND H3S ST1LL M4SH1NG M3!!! >:[ CGC: SDKLFSDK FHS CGC: YUGUFY CGC: G3T OFF!!!!!!!!!SFBSDJB CGC banned herself from responding to memo.
CGC unbanned herself from responding to memo.
CGC banned herself from responding to memo.
CGC unbanned herself from responding to memo.
CCG: WHY ARE YOU BANNING YOURSELF TEREZI???? CCG: PRETTY FUCKING MENTAL IF YOU ASK ME. CCG: REALLY FUCKED UP OF YOFDIHFNGNJKGLJS CCG: ASKJSKF89UG CCG: YDRHHGH CCG: WEFOWEGWLKNGNIOV CCG: SDIJS CCG banned himself from responding to memo.
CCG unbanned himself from responding to memo.
CGC banned CCG from responding to memo.
CCG unbanned himself from responding to memo.
CCG banned CGC from responding to memo.
CGC unbanned herself from responding to memo.
CGC banned herself from responding to memo.
CGC unbanned herself from responding to memo.
CCG banned CGC from responding to memo.
CCG unbanned CGC from responding to memo.
CGC banned CCG from responding to memo.
CGC unbanned CCG from responding to memo.
CCG banned himself from responding to memo.
CGC banned herself from responding to memo.
CGC unbanned herself from responding to memo.
CCG unbanned himself from responding to memo.
CCG: OK QUIT THADJKNFSDK CCG: FUCK OW GOD DAMFFJKSNFBGB CCG: OW!!!!! FUCKALKLKDNJJV CGC: 1 4M GO1NG TO SH4RP3N YOUR STUP1D LOOK1NG NUBBY HORNS 1N YOUR SL33P!!! CGC: TH3N TH4TS WH4T W1LL B3 UP, BY3 BY3 NUBS CCG: WHY DON'T YOU JUST FILE THEM ALL THE WAY DOWN. CCG: SINCE YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF WAYS TO EMASCULATE ME IN FRONT OF MY TEAM. CGC: W1LL YOU G1V3 YOUR BOR1NG L34D3R COMPL3X 4 R3ST FOR ONC3 CGC: 1TS G3TT1NG SO OLD! CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! CAG: You are 8oth ridiculous. CCG: HEY VRISKA, YOU'RE DOWN WITH MY TROLLING PLAN. CCG: WHY DON'T YOU TELL EVERYONE IN RAINBOW ASSGRAB JUNCTION WHAT A GREAT IDEA IT IS. CAG: I'm 8usy. CCG: WHAT THE FUCK COULD YOU BE BUSY WITH??? CAG: I'm making my own plans! I'm a pretty 8ig deal, remem8er Karkat? CGC: 1T LOOKS L1K3 YOU FORGOT HOW M4NY 1RONS SH3 H4S 1N TH3 F1R3 CAG: Exactly! CCG: WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT GOING ALONG WITH MY SIMPLE PLAN TO SERVE A FEW PINK SKINNED DOUCHE BAGS A PIPING HOT NUTRITION PLATEAU FULL OF FUCK YOU. CGC: M4YB3 W3 W1LL BUT W3 4LL JUST K1ND OF W4NT TO DO OUR OWN TH1NG! CCG: THERE IS A WORD FOR THAT, IT IS CALLED GROSS INSUBORDINATION. CGC: TH4TS TWO WORDS R3T4RD >:P CAG: Do you guys realize you are sharing a key8oard and taking turns to argue with each other? CAG: That is kind of cute. ::::) CTA: yeah ii hate to 2ay iit, but iit really 2ort of ii2. CCG: OK FUCK THIS. CCG: EVERYONE IS OFFICIALLY BANNED FROM THIS TRAIN WRECK. CCG banned CAG from responding to memo.
CCG banned PTC from responding to memo.
CCG banned CCC from responding to memo.
CCG banned CAA from responding to memo.
CCG banned CTA from responding to memo.
CCG banned CAC from responding to memo.
CCG banned CGC from responding to memo.
CCG unbanned CGC from responding to memo.
CCG: YOU C4N'T B4N M3 FROM MY OWN M3MO! CCG: WHOOPS >:[ CGC: YOU C4N'T B4N M3 FROM MY OWN M3MO! CGC: LOOKS LIKE I JUST DID. CGC: SHIT. D:B CCG: LOOKS LIKE I JUST DID. CGC: F1N3 1 W1LL JUST SHUT TH3 M3MO DOWN CGC: SO YOU W1LL G3T TH3 H3LL OUT OF H3R3! CCG: FINE, I'M GONE. CCG banned himself from responding to memo.
CGC: UUUUUUUUUUUGH FUTURE gallowsCalibrator [FGC] 6:12 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGC: H3Y! CGC: OH H3Y! FGC: 1 JUST THOUGHT 1 WOULD 4DD ON3 L4ST R3M4RK TO TH1S S1LL1N3SS FGC: 4 R3M4RK OF R34SSUR4NC3! CGC: OHH >:? FGC: Y3S, YOU SHOULD TROLL TH3 HUM4NS FGC: 1T W1LL B3 FUN >:] CGC: W3LL, W3 BOTH KNOW TH4T 1 W4S PL4NN1NG TO 4NYW4Y FGC: OF COURS3! 1 TRUST YOUR JUDGM3NT ON TH3 M4TT3R FGC: JUST H3R3 TO S4Y YOU WONT R3GR3T 1T CGC: TH4T 1S N1C3 TO KNOW! CGC: 1 TRUST YOUR JUDGM3NT 4S W3LL FGC: Y3S! FGC: 4NOTH3R TR1UMPH OF SOUND JUDGM3NT 4ND GOOD T1M3S FOR T34M PYROP3 4ND TH3 LOY4L SUBSCR1B3RS OF R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN CGC: HOOR4Y! >:D FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 6:12 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: I'M GOING TO BE FUCKING SICK. CGC banned FCG from responding to memo.
|PESTERLOG|
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]
AG: Joooooooo AG: oooooooo AG: oooooooo AG: oooooooo AG: oooooooo AG: oooooooo AG: oooooooo AG: oooooooohn! AG: W8ke up!!!!!!!! EB: heheh. i am pronouncing that like a really long "june". EB: that is so many o's. AG: It is 8ight groups of 8ight. I specifically counted them. AG: It's sort of a thing I do. EB: you typed my name in 64 bit. AG: Wow. What a nerd! EB: have i talked to you before? AG: Um, possi8ly? This is the first time I have contacted you that I am aware of. EB: i'm pretty sure i remember you. you hassled me a long time ago. EB: i think you threatened to kill me at some point. AG: John, give me a 8r8k! That was o8viously just my way of getting to know you. AG: Or it will 8e, whenever I get around to it. EB: well, yeah, i know that about you guys by now. EB: but also i know that it is probably not exactly an empty threat! EB: since one of you already managed to trick me into getting myself killed. EB: well, in another timeline at least. AG: Man. AG: That was pro8a8ly Terezi! I should have known she would pull something like that. What a meddler. EB: terezi? AG: Yes. The pesky 8lind troll who licks her monitor and smells words and stuff. The one who got you killed. I'm sure of it! EB: huh. it never really occurred to me to ask what your names are. EB: kinda rude of me! EB: what is yours? AG: Marquise Spinneret Mindfang. ::::) EB: man, that sounds so made up! EB: but if you say so, marquise. AG: Spinneret! Marquise is a title, stupid. EB: oh, ok. AG: And you don't have to worry a8out me manipul8ting you to your death! AG: It is completely 8eneath me. Unlike her, I plan on taking the high road. AG: You see John, you and I actually have some things in common, 8ut you couldn't possi8ly understand why yet. AG: So I'm planning on helping you! EB: ok, i will be sure to let my guard down. EB: psyche!!!!!!!!! EB: oh damn, that was 9 !'s. EB: !!!!!!!1 EB: shit! EB: never mind. AG: Hahahahahahahaha. EB: anyway, nice meeting you spinneret. EB: if you don't mind, i would like to try to go back to sleep. EB: i was dreaming about something important. AG: You can't sleep now, John! AG: What a8out J8de???????? EB: oh god, i forgot! EB: poor jade... :( EB: i hope she is alright. AG: She's fine. I can see her right now! AG: 8ut she will not 8e for long if you don't get her into your session. EB: yeah, you're right. EB: i have to hurry and go save her! EB: see ya! AG: Wait!!!!!!!! AG: Where the hell do you think you're going to go? You don't even have your copy of the game yet! EB: oh yeah... EB: duh, stupid stupid dumb. EB: do you know where i am supposed to get it? AG: Easy! Just w8 around for a few minutes. EB: hmm... EB: ok? AG: See, John? You need me to advance. AG: Even though you were going to do this stuff anyway, it turns out I am the reason you were going to do it anyway in the first place! AG: Your timeline is my we8, and suddenly you are all tangled up in it, wriggling and helpless. AG: Isn't that cooooooool???????? EB: meh. EB: so, you seem to like 8's a whole bunch, and i guess you are like, kind of spidery themed or something? AG: Yeah! EB: haha, spiders are gross! AG: Fuck you!!!!!!!!
|PESTERLOG|
EB: jade is not answering! EB: are you sure she's ok? AG: She's asleep! AG: She sure seems to sleep a lot. She sort of reminds me of my goo8er teamm8. AG: He napped through most of the adventure, and was practically useless. EB: oh... EB: you mean carcino geneticist? AG: Hahahaha, no way! Karkat is so up tight, he hardly slept a wink over the whole 600 hour span of our quest. AG: He didn't even wake up on the moon until AFTER we won the game, hahahahahahahaha. AG: What a loser. EB: heheh. car cat. that is how i am saying that. EB: beep beep, meow! EB: i will have to remember to give him a hard time about that. AG: John, you are pretty weird! I can see why you would piss him off so much. EB: it is really not hard to do that. AG: Tell me a8out it! AG: Speaking of telling me a8out things... AG: Why don't you tell me what you were just dreaming a8out that was so important, fellow Prospit dreamer???????? AG: Prospit is the 8est. Derse is where all the rejects hang out. Am I right? EB: i never even saw prospit. EB: aside from flaming bits and pieces of it i guess. EB: something happened, and it blew up, and dream jade died, and then i was wandering around this place that was like a chess board with a huge crater in it, with loads of dead black and white guys everywhere. AG: Yes, I know all that! That place is the 8attlefield, which is where your dream self lives now. You will appear there any time you go to sleep. AG: Prospit dreamers are supposed to end up there eventually. If they're any good, that is. ::::) AG: 8ut you got there so much sooner. Normally a dreamer's journey to the 8attlefield will not 8e so spectacularly sudden and violent. Meteoric, if you will! EB: oh, huh. AG: 8ut you didn't answer my question! What was so important that you wanted to go 8ack to sleep again for? EB: my dad was there. AG: What's that? EB: um, you know... EB: my guardian? AG: Oh, you mean the adult male human who lived in your hive? EB: yes. if by hive you mean house. AG: Haha, I was wondering a8out that. I was like, what the hell is this guy doing in this kid's hive? Where is his lusus? Is he an orphan contending with some sort of meddlesome grownup squatter???????? EB: um... EB: these observations are very alien of you. EB: but that's pretty cool i guess, seeing as you are an alien. AG: Yes, I just chalked it up as generic alien weirdness and didn't think too much a8out it. Just another series of strange exhi8its from an inferior civiliz8tion. EB: the funny thing is, he is not even really my dad. EB: i mean, i was adopted by him, although we are not actually unrelated, i think. EB: he is the son of my grandmother, who isn't really my grandmother... EB: nanna is sort of like my biological mother, and my biological father would be jade's grandpa, sorta. EB: both of which i just created, with slime and stuff, and sent back in time as babies. EB: so i guess, if anything, that makes my dad... EB: my half brother??? AG: ::::\ EB: tell me about it!
|PESTERLOG|
AG: W8! 8efore you wander too far off course like a doofus, you need to know how to get to a return node! AG: So you can get 8ack to your computer. Here, hang on, I am making you a map. EB: but i know where i'm going! EB: terezi already made me a map. AG: What!!!!!!!! EB: first she made a really crappy one, then a really nice one that works kind of like google. EB: she started helping me after she tried to kill me. AG: Ugh. She is still trying to one up me I see. Even preempting my awesome helpfulness! AG: When did she do that? I mean from my perspective? Do you think she already did it, or hasn't done it yet? EB: wow, how could i possibly know that! AG: I don't know. Forget it. AG: I will show her though. I will show her the meaning of helpfulness. AG: I will help this little human nerd under the ta8le. The very same ta8le you dined at, while I w8ted on you prong and fucking nu8. EB: you mean like a candle light hate date? AG: God, no!!!!!!!! With a human? Gross. EB: oh... EB: well then, thanks, i guess? EB: why do you want to be so helpful, anyway? EB: i mean, with her i got the sense she was being kind of jokestery about it, which is something i can understand. EB: but why bother helping, if we aren't going to win anyway? AG: You won't win? Says who????????? EB: you guys. EB: it is practically all you ever say. AG: Well, ok yes, you are screwed. And so are we. AG: 8ut so what! AG: Just 8ecause you are going to fail doesn't mean it won't 8e any fun along the way! AG: 8y the looks of things, you have a very exciting 24 hours ahead of you. AG: It'll 8e one hell of a reckoning!
|PESTERLOG|
EB: that is nice to know. AG: Yes, and 8esides. Continuing on this path and 8ringing Jade into the game I think you will agree is very important! AG: And not just 8ecause she is your friend and you would 8e kind of upset if she died. AG: Again. EB: yes, i think i would be. EB: but why else? AG: 8ecause you need to complete your prototyping chain! AG: Only when all players have entered with a prototyped kernel does the 8attlefield assume its final form. AG: That form prepares Skaia to grow the new universe you will cre8te. AG: Or in this case, fail to cre8te. 8ut whatever! AG: That is no reason to deter you from completing worthwhile game o8jectives. EB: we are supposed to create a universe? AG: Yeah! You didn't realize that yet? EB: no! AG: 8oy. How clueless can you get. EB: why are we supposed to do that? AG: What a stupid question! It is the point of the game. It's what happens when you win, and winning is the only point of anything. EB: oh. that's true, i guess. AG: Anyway, you should 8e glad it's the point. And you should 8e glad your predecessors were not such a sad sack group of players like you guys. AG: Otherwise your universe would not exist, seeing as we cre8ted it 8y 8eing incredi8le in every way. EB: you did? AG: Yep. You're welcome. ::::D EB: hmm... EB: i don't know what to think about that. AG: Not knowing what to think a8out things appears to 8e your specialty! EB: hurrrrr oh man what a burn! EB: (j/k it was actually lame.) AG: ::::P EB: well to be honest, i never really believed any of your guys's doom and gloom nonsense. EB: not because i think you are lying... EB: i just feel like there must still be a way to win! AG: That's the spirit, John! AG: That is a winner's attitude, and there is always hope for someone who has that. EB: yes, i agree. EB: also, there is always hope for someone who has good friends to count on! AG: Pff. AG: Laaaaaaaame.
|PESTERLOG|
AG: John, why are you standing around wasting time???????? EB: um, i don't know. you can see my future, can't you? EB: how much time am i wasting? AG: Enough to make me wonder what the hell your deal is! EB: then i would venture to guess i am wasting time because you chose to pester me just now! AG: Dammit, John. AG: Stop sounding smarter than me. It is un8ecoming of someone so inferior. EB: i mean, i was just pausing for a moment... EB: to look at my trashed movie posters. EB: they bring back memories, of a life that i guess is long gone now. EB: but you probably know what that is all about. AG: Yeah, I know. EB: it wasn't even that long ago, but it already seems like forever since i was on earth! EB: it was a pretty nice place, i bet you would have liked it. AG: It seems a little too sunny for my liking. EB: well, what about you? do you miss your planet, and your parents and such? AG: The life I left 8ehind wasn't so hot, to 8e honest. EB: oh. that's too bad. AG: Why don't we not talk a8out that! AG: What are these movies, anyway? They look just awful. EB: but you see, that is where you are wrong. these films are the finest earth has to offer! AG: Are they a8out clowns? EB: no, no. i drew those clowns in my sleep, for some reason. AG: ::::| EB: this one here is so great. it is about this street tough renegade who did hard time behind bars, and wants nothing more in the world than to reunite with his loving wife and daughter. but not so fast! he has to go on crazy and dangerous escapades through the sky with a motley assortment of rogues led by john malkovich, who is wise to cage's heroic nature and pure heart. they tether a grumpy police man's awesome car to the plane and smash it, and then later they crash into some casinos. cage gets out of the wreckage and hugs his family, and i usually tear up a little. EB: that is my working troll title for the movie, i hope it was ok. AG: John, even though your title is quite amusing and pro8a8ly kind of cute, that movie sounds hilariously 8ad! EB: yeah, well you are hilariously WRONG! EB: here, hang on, i will show you. EB: http://tinyurl.com/hullohumminburr EB: oh, but you will probably have to use your troll thingy to rewind time or whatever, to before the earth internet blew up so you can watch it. AG: Is this like the Earth equivalent of Gru8tu8e or something? EB: i guess?? AG: Man. I am not watching this shitty video. It looks so 8ad! EB: ok, suit yourself. EB: but there it is, in case you are ever hankering after some incredible movie magic. AG: Ok, I will 8e sure 8ookmark it and la8el it "dum8 kid's retarded nonsense." EB: ok, good idea. AG: 8y the way! Why aren't you using your computer glasses to talk suddenly???????? AG: This device seems less efficient, and doesn't look as cool!
|PESTERLOG|
EB: oh, the goggles are cool and all, but they kind of restrict my vision stupidly when i'm using them! EB: i should remember to make a new hands-free device, that is less obtrusive. EB: maybe after i make a new computer so i can install this game. AG: How will you duplic8 it? Isn't it smashed out there on your lawnring? EB: yeah, but i can use one of my old previously punched cards. AG: Oh, gr8. AG: Uh........ AG: John? EB: what? AG: Ok, I will slide you a 8r8k 8ecause clearly your 8lock was just ransacked. AG: 8ut may8e you want to put that away? Somewhere discreet, where you usually keep it? AG: There is at least one girl spying on you right now, you know. EB: put what away? what are you talking about? AG: Your pail is showing, stupid!!!!!!!!
|PESTERLOG|
EB: my pail? EB: you mean this bucket here? AG: Yes! Come on, will you take a hint and show some decorum???????? EB: umm... EB: i'm really not following. what do you have against buckets? AG: Man! Nothing, really. It's just........ AG: Ok, may8e humans don't really have any sense of shame over this sort of thing? EB: shame over what? EB: it's just a bucket! you know, for putting soapy water in and cleaning stuff with. EB: why, what do trolls use them for? AG: Oh. AG: Haha, yeah, of course! AG: That's what I was talking a8out. Your cleaning 8ucket. AG: In troll culture we consider cleaning products to 8e really indecent or something! AG: I am 8lushing furiously a8out it right now. Please try to 8e sensitive to my cultural ways and understandings. EB: wow... uh. that is definitely pretty odd. EB: but ok, i'm sorry you saw my bucket. i will just chuck it out the window i guess. AG: Thank you, John. That is very gentlemanly of you. AG: Now will you quit shitting around and get on with it!!!!!!!! God. EB: well i was GOING to but you started babbling at me! EB: jeez, spinneret. AG: That isn't my real name, you dope! EB: ok, then what is it! AG: I ain't telling you that! AG: It's a sekret. :::;) EB: *ROLLS EYES* EB: all eight gross spidery eyes! EB: oops i mean !x8. AG: You don't even need to say that. I can see you rolling your eyes, remem8er? EB: oh yeah.
What a surprise, more lousy imps having their way with the place. You wonder where nanna could be. Someone needs to get this motley assortment of rogues under control.
|PESTERLOG|
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --
EB: hey rose! TT: Hi. EB: how are you doing? i don't even remember the last time we talked. EB: i have been so busy. EB: and it looks like you have been too. EB: i mean, hopy shit! EB: my house is HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE! TT: Actually, building up your house has been one of the more trivial ways I've passed the time. TT: Great swaths of the structure may be copied and pasted with little architectural consideration. TT: I've only bothered to do so while in contemplation. TT: It's relaxing. EB: oh. EB: well, it must have cost a fortune! TT: We have a lot of grist. EB: how much? TT: I don't recall any hard figures off hand. TT: Last I checked, more than a million units of several different types. TT: Torrented between the three of us. EB: torrented? TT: Shared, through an application. TT: I unlocked the disc from your registry, and deployed it. TT: I convinced your nanna to install it on your computer. TT: Before an imp threw it out the window, that is. EB: you got her to do that? but she's an old lady! also, a ghost. TT: My methods of persuasion have been improving. EB: also, she is really tricky, and plays lots of pranks. EB: did she try to prank you? TT: No. EB: huh. EB: i guess you enjoyed the prankster's gambit on that exchange then. TT: ? EB: oh yeah... EB: what's up with the alchemiter? EB: it looks weird. TT: Upgrades. EB: did you get nanna to do that too? TT: No, your consorts were utilized for that. EB: the salamanders?? TT: Yes. They seem eager to receive simple instruction. TT: I'm guessing they find their way back to your house to allow the client player to remain productive while the server player is away. EB: they aren't very smart... TT: No, they aren't. EB: i'm surprised they even understand what to do. TT: Like I said. TT: Coercion hasn't been much of a problem. EB: yeah... EB: uh... EB: what exactly does that mean? EB: what have you been doing this whole time??? TT: Why don't you tell me what you've been up to first? TT: I've been curious, but too preoccupied to inquire. EB: well, EB: i have been talking to a lot of trolls, for one thing. EB: they sure are a talkative bunch! TT: I've noticed. EB: and then i cloned some slime babies in the veil. TT: Did you? EB: yes. um... EB: ok, long story short is, jade is my slime clone sister, and dave is your slime clone brother, and we were all born today! TT: Yes. EB: yes? TT: I figured that out. EB: oh. TT: Anything else? EB: umm... EB: then i fell asleep, and woke up on the battlefield. EB: oh! EB: rose, i am fairly sure i saw your mom! TT: You did? TT: Are you sure it was her? EB: well, it was a nice and proper looking lady, with a pink scarf, so... EB: i dunno, who else would that be! TT: That was likely her. TT: How was she? EB: fine, i guess... EB: she was with my dad. TT: That's interesting. EB: yeah! TT: Did she seem happy? EB: happy? EB: wow, i dunno. EB: i don't really know her well enough to say, i guess? EB: plus, i was a little distracted. EB: maybe i will find out next time i go to sleep. TT: Fair enough. EB: now stop being so spookily mysterious and tell me what you've been doing! TT: Investigating, mostly. EB: investigating what? TT: Everything there is to investigate. TT: Information hidden in the lore of our lands, concealed in ruins and riddles. TT: I'm looking for whatever there is to discover about the game, and more importantly, whatever exceeds its boundaries. TT: The cloaked traces of myth beyond its scope. EB: its scope? EB: oh, rose, did you know that we are supposed to be creating a universe with this game? TT: Yes. EB: i think that's pretty neat! TT: It is, in principle. TT: But it won't happen. EB: so you believe the trolls then? TT: It's not a matter of believing them. TT: The writing is on the wall. Literally. EB: it is? TT: This session was never meant to bear fruit. TT: It's barren, so to speak. EB: that's a bit of a bummer! EB: i am still skeptical about that, though. TT: That's why you're our leader, John. EB: huh? TT: Optimism through stalwart skepticism is a defect not everyone is lucky enough to be cursed with. EB: that's stupid. EB: i'm not your leader, i am your FRIEND, there is a BIG difference! TT: Statements like that are also why you're our leader. EB: pff. EB: laaaaaaaame. TT: Yes, kind of. EB: so, if you're sure that we are going to fail... EB: what is the point of everything we're doing? TT: Simple. TT: The objective is no longer to win. EB: um... EB: i mean, what are we actually shooting for here? TT: To do as much damage to the game as possible. TT: To rip its stitches and pry answers from the seams. TT: We will snatch purpose from the jaws of futility. TT: Are you ready to wreak some havoc, John? EB: i suddenly don't understand anything.
|PESTERLOG|
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
GA: Okay This Will Probably Strike You As An Odd Moment For Me To Mention This GA: But Actually GA: There Are Not Many Moments Ive Observed On Your Timeline Which Wouldnt Qualify As Odd GA: And Somehow GA: Your Idle Moments Seem To Invite Interruption The Least GA: And This Is A Difficult Topic For Me To Broach GA: For Reasons That You Probably Wont Understand TT: You're rambling again, Kanaya. GA: Okay Sorry GA: Ive Just Been Meaning To Say GA: That I Read Your Instructional Guide
|PESTERLOG|
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
GA: Your Speech Was Really GA: Emotional CG: OK I DEFINITELY DON'T NEED YOU BUSTING MY BULGE ABOUT THE SPEECH NOW. CG: I'VE TAKEN ENOUGH SHIT. I GOT A LITTLE WORKED UP OK? CG: AND IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, WHY DON'T YOU COME SAY IT TO MY FACE. CG: I'M FED UP WITH THESE BACK DOOR NOOKBITING SHENANIGANS. GA: I Dont Mean To Critique Your Speech GA: I Just Wanted To Ask You Something In Confidence GA: About The Humans CG: OK, WHAT IS IT? GA: Are You Sure Theyre Responsible For Our Misfortune CG: YES. THERE IS NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. GA: Was It On Account Of Malice Or Incompetence CG: I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE BOTH? CG: WHY DOES IT MATTER. GA: It Sort Of Does GA: Im Not Even That Sure Why GA: This Is A Difficult Topic For Me To Broach GA: For Reasons That You Probably Wont Understand CG: GOD DAMMIT. CG: NO MORE MYSTERIES, PLEASE. CG: YOU'D THINK WE'D HAD OUR FILL OF THEM BY NOW. CG: IF I HAVE TO SOLVE ONE MORE RIDDLE, I'M GOING TO... CG: I DON'T KNOW. GA: Will Your Response Involve An Athletic Maneuver Of Some Sort CG: NO CG: ABSOLUTELY NOT. CG: I WILL JUST GO OVER THERE AND WEEP GENTLY IN THE HORN PILE. CG: SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS THIS ABOUT? GA: Um CG: WHAT I CAN TELL YOU IS CG: THEY ARE ALL LUDICROUSLY INCOMPETENT. CG: SOFT, PINK FRAGILE THINGS WHO DO NOTHING BUT WASTE TIME. CG: THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE HORNS! GA: What GA: Really CG: YEAH, I WAS LIKE, WHOA DID THEY GET FILED DOWN OR SOMETHING CG: BUT NO IT TURNS OUT THAT'S JUST HOW THEY ARE. GA: Weird CG: THEY'RE A MISERABLE POINTLESS CROP OF LIFEFORMS FROM A MEANINGLESS BORING PUSTULE OF A PLANET. CG: IT'S INFURIATING THEY WERE SOMEHOW ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY INFLUENCE OVER US. GA: It Is Pretty Disheartening GA: But GA: You Are Absolutely Sure They Are All Failures GA: And That They Have No Chance Of Succeeding CG: YEP. CG: IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE. GA: Im Not Sure Which Depresses Me More GA: The Sabotage Of Our Session Or The Futility Of Theirs CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. CG: YOU'RE BEING REALLY WEIRD ABOUT THIS. GA: Well I Havent Asked What I Wanted To Ask CG: THEN ASK!!! GA: Its About TentacleTherapist CG: YEAH. THAT'S THE ROSE HUMAN. CG: SHE'S APPARENTLY PRETTY SARCASTIC. CG: IT'S IN MY NOTES. GA: You Have Notes On Them CG: YES. GA: I Guess GA: Thats Why Youre Our Leader Karkat CG: NO, I'M YOUR LEADER BECAUSE OF MY INCREDIBLE TACTICAL SKILLS AND MY ABILITY TO MOBILIZE AND MOTIVATE A BUNCH OF USELESS PEOPLE TOWARD A COMMON GOAL, AND BECAUSE I'M EXTREMELY AMBITIOUS AND INTREPID. ALSO BECAUSE LEADERSHIP IS IN MY BLOOD. WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS. GA: Statements Like That Are Also Why Youre Our Leader CG: OK, I'LL ACCEPT THAT. GA: Have You Talked To Her CG: WHO GA: The Rose Human GA: Also GA: Do We Really Have To Say Things Like The Rose Human CG: OF COURSE WE DO. CG: IT SOUNDS SUITABLY DISDAINFUL. CG: I MEAN, IF A BUNCH OF ALIENS STARTED HASSLING YOU, YOU WOULD EXPECT THEM TO ACT REALLY HIGH AND MIGHTY, AND SUPERIOR IN EVERY WAY, RIGHT?. CG: WHICH WE ARE, OF COURSE. GA: Uh Okay CG: AND NO, I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HER. CG: I WILL PROBABLY STEER CLEAR OF HER FOR THE MOST PART. CG: I HAVE MY SIGHTS SET ON THE JOHN HUMAN, AND PROBABLY ALSO THE JADE HUMAN, SHE'S A HUGE CULPRIT TOO. GA: It Just GA: Feels Really Silly When We Say Things Like The John Human In Confidence Amongst Ourselves CG: WE HAVE TO COMMIT TO THIS. STAY IN CHARACTER, YOU KNOW? CG: REMEMBER THE SPEECH. GA: The Speech Has Become Emblazoned On My Think Pan GA: Virtually Ensconced In The Fold Of My Personal Mythology CG: DID YOU WANT TO TROLL HER? ARE YOU VOLUNTEERING? CG: BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE GREAT, I'D REALLY APPRECIATE THAT. GA: I Dont Know GA: Im Not Sure If Ive Got It In Me Right Now CG: COME ON. YOU'LL BE GREAT AT IT. CG: PLEASE JUST DO THIS ONE THING FOR ME. WE'VE GOT TO STAY COORDINATED ON THIS. CG: TOO MANY OF THESE FUCKS ARE GOING ROGUE. CG: LIKE WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING. GA: Fine CG: GREAT! THANKS KANAYA. CG: I'LL EXPECT A FULL REPORT SOON. GA: A Report About What CG: LIKE CG: HOW HASSLED YOU GOT HER TO BE CG: BUT LESS STUPID SOUNDING THAN THAT. GA: Is There A Metric For That Concept CG: NO CG: WELL THERE COULD BE CG: WE CAN GAUGE YOUR RESULTS WITH THE "FLIGHTY BROADS AND THEIR SNARKY HORSESHITOMETER". GA: That Seems Just As Disparaging To Me As It Is To Her CG: YEAH WELL CG: USE IT AS MOTIVATION CG: I GOTTA GET CRACKING HERE, LATER.
You begin trolling the Rose human, even though you aren't really feeling this at all.
You can't seem to figure out how to get the viewport feature to work. You muddle through the FIRST CONVERSATION blind.
She does not prove to be the intellectual adversary you anticipated. But this is no longer all that surprising, now knowing the true fate of her team.
Nethertheless, you manage to find yourself vehemently fondling the short end of the antagonism stick. The FLIGHTY BROADS AND THEIR SNARKY HORSESHITOMETER ticks a few notches in her favor. Your aggravation and curiosity are simultaneously piqued. You wish you could get a look at her.
This is boring. Where's the challenge in teasing a mentally retarded alien girl? Her stupid walkthrough was probably plagiarized from another more advanced civilization or something.
Maybe bothering her friends will be more interesting.
|PESTERLOG|
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT]
GA: Hello GT: hi...? GA: Allow Me To Make This Simple GA: I Am A Troll From Another Universe Using A Chat Client Utility Which Is Capable Of Contacting You And Your Friends At Any Point Of Your Lives Which I Choose Up To And Including The Moment Of Your Own Incompetence Fueled Self Destruction GA: Im Looking For Evidence Of Intelligence In Your Species GA: A Reason GA: Any Reason At All Really GA: To Justify Wasting The Few Precious Remaining Moments Of My Life On You GA: It Has Fallen On Your Shoulders To Supply Me With That Reason John Human GA: Go GT: ha ha, what? GA: What Indeed GA: I Was Just Leaving GT: so you're a time traveler? GA: No GA: We Dont Actually Travel Through GA: Uh GA: Well GA: Not All Of Us Do GA: One Of Us Does Though GA: Thats Not What We Are Talking About Here And Is Aside From The Point GT: so let me see if i have this straight... GT: you are a time traveling space alien from the future, sent here to study humans? GA: No GT: are you from mars? is it a mission of peace? GA: No John You Werent Listening GT: what does your time machine look like? a phone booth? phone booths are a popular thing for some reason. GA: Damn It GT: were you lured to earth by a huge gyroscopey thing that jodie foster piloted in contact, while matthew mcconaughey sort of acted as her spiritual guide i guess... GA: What The Hell GT: and then he kind of preached to her about having faith instead of believing in the sciences so hard all the time, and i guess in the end she believed him, maybe? GT: actually, im not even sure what the point of mcconaughey was in that movie. but he was still awesome. GT: and then jodie found her dad on an alien planet... but i think he was a ghost or something? or maybe an alien in disguise. GT: and then she went home and nobody believed her, but you just KNOW mcconaughey believed her. GT: because he had all the faith. and i mean ALL OF IT. GT: anyway, does that have any applicability to your cosmic interstellar astrojourney? GA: Okay Youre Even Dumber Than The Rose Human Thats Incredible Really GT: pff, i know i'm dumber than rose, that is not much of a burn, dude! GA: Im A Girl Not A Boy GT: oh, sorry. GT: i don't know why i thought you were. GA: It Happens GT: were you trolling rose too? GT: TIME TRAVEL TROLLING??? GA: Yes As A Matter Of Fact GT: oh boy, let me go put on my quantum space hat, and extra terrestrial adventure boots, and you can tell me all about it. GA: If You Werent So Stupid Id Suspect You Were Being Insincere For The Benefit Of Your Amusement GT: ha ha ha. i don't follow! GA: I Just Spoke To Her In The Future GA: Shes An Imbecile And Conveying How Much I Dislike Her At This Point Presents An Overwhelming Gauntlet Of Personal Expression GA: But Regardless She Said To Paste Something From Our Conversation GA: To Get You To Understand Whats Going On GA: I Have Strong Doubts It Will Be Effective But Here Goes GA: GA: I Should Figure Out How The Viewport Feature Of This Application Works GA: GA: So I Can See What Such A Primitive Creature Looks Like GA: TT: haha, well i know what you guys look like. GA: TT: you look kind of like... GA: TT: howie mandel from little monsters. GA: TT: even though, to be perfectly frank, he was kind of a big monster. GA: TT: because he was a big goofy adult. GA: TT: and fred savage was like his child prankster sidekick. GA: GA: Is This An Adversary You Have Encountered On Your Quest GA: TT: no, it's a movie. GA: TT: you should ask john about it, because he thinks it's awesome, which it is. GT: hahaha! oh man, you blew it! GT: now i know for sure you're trolling me. rose hates that movie. GA: Are You Suggesting GA: I Was Being Trolled GA: That It Was A Charade Meant To Make Me Look Foolish GT: possibly! i know that sure didn't sound like her. GT: but i think it's more likely that you made it all up cause you know i like that movie. GT: so i tip my cap to you, well played miss troll! GA: Now Im Wondering If You Might Be Trolling Me As Well GT: ok well, just between you and me... GT: SOMEONE here is getting trolled. GT: and it just might be all three of us. GA: Okay GT: but you shoulda told me you liked little monsters! GT: we could jam about that. what was your favorite part? GA: Suspicions Pitching Once Again Toward The Conclusion That You Are Just Very Stupid GT: i really want to get a little monsters poster, but they're hard to find! GT: i asked my dad for one for christmas. fingers crossed! GA: Im Guessing Thats The Human Equivalent Of 12th Perigees Eve GA: Will Your Adult Human Custodian Forage For Leavings As Ours Do GT: yup, that sure keeps sounding alien of you. GT: keep up the good work! GT: listen, i'm kind of busy, i have to wrap this present and mail it in a hurry. GT: so i'm going to block you! GT: but i might unblock you again soon, because you're kinda cool. GA: Your Blocks Mean Nothing But Dont Worry You Wont Hear From Me Again GT: yeah well... GT: you might just hear from me! GT: also, you should give rose another chance. GT: she is really great! whatever she did, she was probably just pulling her mind games on you, it's all in fun. GT: there is more to her than that, you'll see. GT: bye!
You feel pretty good about your effort. It was a measured balance of barbs and condescension. Your leader will be pleased with the report.
And yet...
It seems the John human was right. This is not the same Rose human you dealt with before. She has been toying with you all along. Oh, the curiosity. How it persists. The maddening, maddening curiosity.
Your arbitrating gauge decides on a draw. Snark reaped and sown in equal distribution.
You can only assume this is a somewhat typical way for human relationships to blossom. It seems friendship for some humans is a basic aggregation of shallow and insincere hostilities. Human friendship sure is complicated.
You skip ahead to a point on her timeline when you suspect friendship may plausibly have been established already. You have your THIRD CONVERSATION. It does not go as well as you'd hoped.
Your FOURTH, FIFTH, AND SIXTH CONVERSATIONS don't fare much better. This friendship is stalling fast. What are you doing wrong?
You are now getting your ass handed to you on a silver nutrition plateau. You are in serious need of a ploy to turn the tables in this duel of snarky one-upsmanship.
Lalonde has finally been outmaneuvered. The horseshitometer is lopsided in your favor. And most delightfully of all, this fiendish ploy has ensured that all previous snarkticks against you have been rendered completely irrelevant. It turns out they were just a consequence of your future design all along.
You cannot hope to beat Kanaya Maryam in a snark-off. She is simply the best there is.
You scan her timeline for the right moment to sync up both your sides of the dialogue. Ideally she will have long since discarded her train of thought.
You will finally reap the spoils of all your careful subterfuge. You will reap them good.
|PESTERLOG|
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
GA: What GA: The Hell GA: Did You Just Do TT: Hi there. GA: You Actually Did It GA: Blew It Up I Mean GA: I Had Begun To Believe That Was Embellishment TT: This is it, isn't it? GA: What Is It TT: This is the eighth conversation between us, from your perspective. TT: As well as mine. GA: Yeah TT: I've been looking forward to this. GA: Really TT: Yes. TT: I have some questions for you.
You make a new COSBYTOP so you can do some serious computing on the go. You barely got a chance to mess around with the first one you made before it was pilfered by a scurrilous imp. Ok it was actually a sylladex mishap but whatever.
Remember how that happened? That didn't stop being a thing that happened or anything.
|PESTERLOG|
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]
AG: What. AG: The hell........ AG: Are you doing!!!!!!!! EB: oh hey. AG: John, stop kissing that adult 8rown male human computer at once. EB: but... EB: it is bill cosby. EB: he's back. EB: in laptop form. AG: Man. It is just another waste of time. AG: Everything you do is a huge waste. AG: A stupid pointless 8unch of w8stey w8stey w8stes. EB: excuse me, but spending just a little quality time with my man bill here is not a w8stey w8ste at all. EB: no amount of 8's in words will make that true. AG: You have important things to do! AG: Remem8er Jade???????? EB: of course i do! jeez! EB: ok, i'm going.
|PESTERLOG|
AG: Noooooooo!!!!!!!! AG: XXXXO EB: what?!?!?! AG: What the fuck are you doing now! EB: i am going to blast off and fly a little higher, to see if i can find nanna up there! EB: and then i will install the game. EB: it will only take a second! AG: No, that's not what I mean! AG: I know that's what you're going to do. AG: You're just not supposed to do it now! AG: You are supposed to do something else first. And then fly up. It's right here on your timeline. 8y attempting to do the thing you're not supposed to do yet, you are just wasting more of our time!!!!!!!! EB: jeez!!! EB: you are incredibly bossy. EB: more like marquise bossyfangs. AG: I told you, that's my role playing name, not my real one! So your weak 8urn means nothing. EB: no, you did not tell me that you like to play troll dungeons and dragons. AG: Oh, yes John. I am really going to know what that stupid Earth game is, just 8ecause you put troll in front of it. Stupid. EB: i will find out what your name is, i am tricky and i have ways. AG: Pffffffff, dou8t it. AG: Now shut up and do what you are going to do next! EB: i don't know what i'm going to do next! EB: apparently what i thought i was going to do next was wrong, so why don't you tell me? AG: 8ecause. AG: That's ridiculous! AG: That would 8e a ridiculous way for us to do things. EB: has it occurred to you that i might be wasting so much time because you keep pestering me telling me how much time i'm wasting? EB: and then when i'm about to make progress you tell me i am doing the wrong thing! EB: if it weren't for you i would be playing this game already. AG: Okaaaaaaaay, shut up! AG: Fine. I will hold your hand every step of the way, since that's apparently how you want to do this. EB: but it isn't! AG: I said shut up! AG: Look, you are a8out to make yourself a new outfit, and THEN you will fly up and install the game. EB: oh... EB: but why would i do that? my ecto labsuit is rad! AG: 8ecause you look like an idiot! EB: :( AG: Seriously, it's a good thing I did decide to 8other you now. Otherwise you would go through the game looking like a little weenie 8oy-Skylark. EB: what is a boy skylark? AG: It is the most terri8le, gutless class for wimpy losers, ones who have no idea how to handle themselves when a girl talks to them and stuff. EB: actually, i think i remember passing that rung on my echeladder a while ago. AG: Yes, exactly! It is 8eneath you, John. AG: You are clearly much 8etter than that. You should dress like it. EB: who cares what i dress like? it is what's inside the adventurer that counts. AG: Hahahahahahahaha! AG: I watched you actually say that with a str8 f8ce. Oh my god. EB: why are you taking such an interest in my fashion, anyway? AG: Trolls are an extremely fashion-minded race, John. You should make a note of this, since you pretend to 8e a scientist or something. EB: ha ha, it sounds like you have a really lame culture. AG: John, that is an outr8geous thing to say. You don't even know how important the fashions are, so 8e quiet. EB: laaaaaaaame. AG: Look at that! You counted out 8 a's for me, John! That is so thoughtful of you. EB: oh, ha ha... EB: i didn't even count. it just... EB: turned out like that. AG: Really???????? EB: yeah. AG: <33333333 EB: er... EB: ok, anyway, i will make a new suit, but i am not ditching my ectosuit!!! EB: it is so sweet, i look like link, if zelda was a quest about an elf scientist. EB: i am the wind waker. it's me. AG: I know you are, John. AG: Now empty out your sylladex and let's see what sort of killer gear we can make for you. 8ut do it fast!
|PESTERLOG|
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
GA: Okay This Will Probably Strike You As An Odd Moment For Me To Mention This GA: But Actually GA: There Are Not Many Moments Ive Observed On Your Timeline Which Wouldnt Qualify As Odd GA: And Somehow GA: Your Idle Moments Seem To Invite Interruption The Least GA: And This Is A Difficult Topic For Me To Broach GA: For Reasons That You Probably Wont Understand TT: You're rambling again, Kanaya. GA: Okay Sorry GA: Ive Just Been Meaning To Say GA: That I Read Your Instructional Guide
|PESTERLOG|
TT: Oh? GA: Yeah TT: Sorry to hear you were subjected to that. GA: Why TT: It was a little melodramatic in retrospect. Heavy-handed. TT: But now it's stuck on that server forever, broadcasting the notes of very confused girl sifting through the aftermath of just another pedestrian apocalypse somewhere in paradox space. TT: Have you ever written a message you regretted instantly upon sending? GA: Lately GA: Almost Perpetually TT: That line included? GA: Wow Yeah Kind Of GA: Also GA: That One TT: I'm sure you must regard the walkthrough as pretty quaint. TT: As a veteran of the game. GA: Actually GA: At The Time Of Reading It Lent Some Useful Insight GA: Into The Nature Of The Game I Hadnt Yet Considered GA: And GA: The Author I Guess TT: At the time? TT: When exactly did you read it? GA: Uh GA: By The Way GA: What Are You Doing Here GA: Is This Part Of Your Ongoing Investigation
|PESTERLOG|
TT: Yes. GA: Are These Tactics Really Necessary TT: It's faster this way. TT: If there's one thing you and your friends regularly remind us, it's that time is not on our side. GA: I Know GA: But I Thought Our Methods Earlier Were Effective GA: In Illuminating The Underpinnings Of The Game GA: You Ask Some Questions GA: And I Answer GA: If I Can TT: Yes, that has been effective. TT: But you don't know everything, do you? GA: No TT: My current strategy is comprehensive. TT: Your notes have been helpful, but the facts you've supplied are being cross-referenced with understandings I already have, and data gathered by the sort of means presently on display. TT: I still have more questions for you, which I will ask in time. GA: Okay GA: But These Means Presently On Display GA: Are Making Me A Little Nervous GA: I Think Its Kind Of A Reckless Use Of TT: Of what? GA: These Forces TT: Dark magic, you mean? GA: Yes GA: Well GA: Influence By The Gods From The Furthest Ring GA: The Communion You Seem To Have Developed With Them I Find Kind Of Troubling TT: I don't think they are as nefarious as you might imagine. TT: Many of them seem to be intent on helping us. GA: How Exactly Do You Know That TT: From their whispers in my dreams. GA: How Much Time Have You Really Spent Sleeping GA: Since You Began Playing TT: Not much. TT: But quite a lot in a failed timeline. TT: And now and then, memories surface from that alternate reality. TT: Vague memories, but unmistakable in familiarity, like spontaneously remembering a dream from years ago by some inexplicable catalyst. TT: In that reality, they spoke to me in my sleep and told me much of what I needed to know. TT: Including what to do to reset our timeline and create the present reality. GA: That Makes Me No Less Nervous GA: Our Understanding Is That Influence From Doomed Timelines GA: Though Seemingly Necessary To Advance In The Alpha Reality GA: Is Generally Inauspicious GA: Travelers From Such Branches Are Marked For Death GA: And Though It Was Only An Insubstantial Part Of You Which Traveled GA: Just Memories I Suppose GA: Its Still Troubling TT: I have assurances I'm on the right track. TT: Surely you must have spoken to the gods by now. TT: What did they tell you to make you so suspicious? GA: Actually GA: I Havent GA: I Have Never Visited Derse Or Traveled Beyond The Veil GA: Prospits Moon Was My Home GA: For Most Of My Dreaming Life TT: It was? GA: Yes TT: This surprises me. GA: Why TT: ... TT: Good question. GA: Skaia Was Always The Foil For My Curiosity GA: But It Only Showed Me What I Needed To See GA: It Very Much Had The Presence Of Something Sentient GA: And GA: Benevolent GA: But Silent GA: Not Something To Converse With Or Be Instructed By GA: Or Anything With An Agenda Beyond Which It Knows To Be Manifest Already GA: Like A Very Clear Mirror GA: That Has Everything There Is To See Inside It GA: But Only Some Things Are Visible At Any Given Moment GA: I Always Trusted It GA: And I Dont Trust Gods That Would Eschew Its Light TT: You didn't actually answer my question. TT: When was it exactly that you read my walkthrough?
|PESTERLOG|
GA: Oh GA: A While Ago TT: Before you first contacted me? GA: I Have To Confess That GA: Ive Been Experiencing Something Like GA: Impression Whiplash GA: Since That Time TT: What do you mean? GA: At First I Thought You Were Foolish And Incompetent TT: My apologies for whatever misstep I may have taken to dispel that impression. TT: It was an honest mistake, I swear. GA: You See Thats What Im Talking About GA: That Was A Very Snarky Remark That Happened Just Now GA: Stratified By Your Signature Varieties Of Insincerity Which Cut Through The Literal Meaning Of The Statement Like Colorful Ribbons GA: And The Net Intent Is Something Maddening To Try To Know GA: Its Meaning I Think Exists At The Inscrutable Nexus Of Semantic Space Where Humor Chafes Against Soft Malice GA: A Place Perhaps The Human Mind Occupies More Comfortably I Dont Know GA: Xenopsychology Isnt My Strong Suit GA: Or Even A Real Word TT: ... GA: Uh Yeah I Know Im Babbling Again GA: The Point Is Its Not The Type Of Behavior A Very Stupid Person Can Perpetrate GA: And So My Impression Has Thrashed Around From Conversation To Conversation GA: And Now GA: Rather Than Suspecting You Of Incompetence GA: I Have Begun To Fear Just The Opposite GA: I Think You Might Be Dangerous TT: To whom? GA: Maybe Not Knowing That Is What Really Bothers Me GA: Why Dont You Put The Turtle Ruins Down GA: And Return To Your House GA: I Have Sketched Some New Outfits For You That I Think Are Nice GA: We Could Try To Make Them GA: It Will Be Fun TT: You seem to have taken quite an interest in my wardrobe decisions. TT: Are all trolls so fashion-minded? GA: Urrgh No GA: Sadly TT: Maybe later. GA: What If There Isnt A Later TT: Well, we already know there won't be. TT: That's nothing new. GA: I Mean GA: There Not Being A Later Might Happen Sooner Than You Think TT: Wow, what? GA: I Mean GA: For You Specifically GA: Okay GA: This Was Something Else I Wanted To Say GA: Or Ask About GA: But Im Afraid My Asking Might Play A Role In The Outcome GA: And I Dont Know If I Want That
|PESTERLOG|
TT: The outcome will happen one way or another. TT: Whether you have something to do with it or not. TT: You might as well ask me. TT: At least when it happens, you'll understand what it is that's happening. TT: And just maybe, if we're really lucky, so will I. GA: Um TT: I have a question for you too. TT: Let's swap ignorance, ok? GA: Alright GA: I Cant See You In The Future GA: The Viewport Wont Let Me After A Certain Point GA: Its Black GA: But Only For You GA: Not The Others TT: When? GA: Several Hours From Now GA: Do You Know Why This Could Be TT: I have no idea. TT: I can't see the future. TT: I'm a disreputable Derse Dreamer, remember? TT: But I promise that if I have a hand in it, it won't be because you told me. TT: Does that make you feel better? GA: Sort Of GA: But It Remains Ominous TT: Is that why you want to dissuade me from my admittedly zealous investigation to go play dress-up again? TT: Because our time here is almost up? TT: And you hope what's on the other side of the dark curtain for me is not some sort of corruption or damnation? GA: Also Sort Of TT: That's thoughtful of you. TT: To strive to pacify me as I scuffle down this black corridor. GA: Wait GA: Is That What Im Doing TT: Is it? GA: On Second Thought GA: Thats Not What I Want To Do TT: Oh. TT: That's a pity. TT: Who will make sure my soul isn't forfeit in service of gods then? GA: Well GA: I Hope That Doesnt Happen GA: But Id Rather Not Get Stuck In That Kind Of Pattern Again GA: So If You Want To Wreck Turtle Villages And Tear Your Planet Apart On The Counsel Of Dark Gods GA: Fine With Me I Guess TT: What do you mean, "again?" GA: Ur GA: Ill Do The Thing You Do When You Dont Say Anything GA: "..." TT: One simple word can so easily begin a story in a very thick book. TT: But I guess we won't open this one? GA: What Was Your Question GA: I Believe Youre Owed Some Compensatory Ignorance TT: Yes. TT: I was wondering.
|PESTERLOG|
TT: What do you know about the <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/greensun.gif" border="0" />? GA: Ive Never Heard Of It TT: Thank you. TT: The transaction was very tidy. GA: Agreed
|PESTERLOG|
AG: This is the most ridiculous pile of useless crap I have ever seen. AG: Why did you pick up all this junk???????? Rocks, mushrooms, shoes........ AG: Jegus, John. EB: jegus? AG: Yes. Jegus! EB: how do you know about jegus? do you even know what that is? AG: I have no idea! It's something Terezi has 8een saying non stop for some reason. AG: It is weirdly infectious. AG: What is it, some sort of human profanity? EB: no. well, yeah kind of. EB: it is a misspelling of an adult male bearded human, who was magic. AG: 8ooooooooring. EB: shrug! AG: John! Is that a frog I see there? EB: uh, yes. it is. AG: How do you have a frog already???????? EB: i dunno. i found it, and i decided to captchalogue it for some reason. EB: frogs are pretty cool. AG: It seems awfully early in your game for you to 8e finding frogs. Your session sure is weird! EB: huh. ok... EB: apparently it is considered illegal contraband. EB: why would a frog be illegal? AG: John, shut your trap! We are in a hurry here. EB: bossy!!!!!!!! AG: Ok, I think I can make you a completely faaaaaaaa8ulous outfit using this trash, and may8e some other stuff around your hive. AG: 8ut you have to do exactly what I say! EB: bossy bossy bossy bossy bossy bossy bossy bossy. EB: to the eighth power. EB: times eight infinities!!! AG: H8RRY 8P!!!!!!!!! EB: that was nine !'s. AG: Oops.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: so, uh... EB: red sneakers, some jeans, a tee shirt, and another shirt... EB: this is the fabulous outfit you had in mind? AG: Yes! Isn't it awesome? EB: it's pretty cool and all... EB: i was just picturing something... EB: more elaborate? like maybe more adventurey. AG: Fuck that. AG: This is a really hot look for you, John. It makes you look a million times more cool, instead of some kind of overa8sconding daggerlance fl8ling pansy. EB: what? AG: Now move your ass! AG: Go go go go go go go go!!!!!!!! EB: ok, jeeeeeeeez.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: ok... EB: marquise bossyfangs mcsekret, this has been a lot of fun... EB: but i have to go talk to my pals now, and also rescue jade! AG: Yes, I know that, dummy! I am in complete command of your timeline, remem8er? E8: oh yeah. sure, if you say so. AG: We will not speak again for a while. 8ut for me it will only 8e a moment. AG: I do not envy the Serketless coldspell you are a8out to endure, John. EB: that's too bad. EB: how long will it be? AG: Man, calm down! It will only 8e a couple of hours or so. AG: Sweet Jegus, I have clearly done a num8er on you to engender such a frothing o8session so quickly. AG: Not surprising. It's just the 8urden that comes with 8eing so damned awesome. 8ut you will figure that out soon enough John, 8ecause I have you well on your way. EB: ha ha, i guess... AG: Phase two of my program for you 8egins in a little while. AG: In the meantime, try not to get corrupted 8y anyone too lame. Especially no8ody with 8rown text or gray text, or any shit ugly color at all for that matter. EB: ok, i will try. EB: thanks for all the help. bye, ms. serket! AG: 8ye, John........ AG: W8. AG: John what? EB: Anderson. AG: Ok. Til next time, Mr. Anderson. EB: (hehehehehehehehe)
|PESTERLOG|
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --
EB: hey dave! TG: hey EB: wow, it's been a while since we talked, hasn't it. TG: has it EB: i think the last time i talked to you, i was doing exactly what im doing now... EB: which is blasting off from my house. EB: or was it? EB: wow, i can't remember... TG: man who cares TG: i mean thats great and all TG: but i talked to you plenty more times since that from where im standing TG: ive got to make this quick EB: oh. EB: you mean like the trolls? EB: are you using the troll time chat gizmo? TG: fuck no fuck that trollian horseshit TG: its just regular old time travel TG: im from the future EB: oh ok. is this dave sprite? TG: no TG: just regular ordinary dave from the fucking future nothing special dude come on EB: well, excuse me, but i still think time travel sounds kind of special. EB: sorry you are so jaded by awesome shit! TG: yeah ok it is awesome but im in a hurry EB: what is it? TG: i need to borrow some boondollars off you EB: boondollars? i thought they didn't do anything. TG: no they do do something EB: what do they do? TG: what do you think they buy shit its fucking money EB: what do they buy? TG: i cant answer all these questions dude youll find out anyway its not like youll even really need your money TG: you you might as well give it to me EB: uh... EB: how much do you need? TG: all of it EB: oh, fuck that!!! TG: man you just said you thought it was useless why do you care EB: but you just said it wasn't useless! TG: ill pay you back EB: really? when? TG: in the future TG: if theres one thing im not short on its the fuckin future EB: how far in the future are you from? EB: i thought we only had something like 24 hours until, like... EB: game over. TG: yeah we do TG: but chronologically ive been around for at least triple that EB: wow. how... EB: i don't get how that works! TG: no shit your deal is wind not time TG: youre on easy street what is there even to think about with wind TG: like what angle to blow it at to fly a damn kite or how gentle its gotta be to make a picnic go swimmingly TG: its kiddie bullshit time is serious fucking business TG: leave it to the pros ok EB: but, doesn't going back in time make an alternate reality? EB: i thought that's what happened with dave sprite, he came back to make sure i didn't die and this is a new timeline now. TG: yeah it can work that way TG: or not TG: ive been very careful TG: this whole operation is strung together with stable time loops TG: no timeline offshoots cause thats when daves start dying and that isnt no good for nobody EB: daves, plural? TG: yeah TG: there are a bunch of daves running around the timeline EB: oh, man. TG: but they are all me TG: i mean they will all become me and ill become them one way or another TG: thats how stable time loops work shit takes a lot of planning and precise choreography TG: ive got some help though EB: help? EB: sounds like you have been talkin' to some trolls! TG: yeah EB: they seem to be getting more talkative lately. TG: man dont even get me started with that TG: the 24 hour span of the reckoning is like some kind of critical spike in us dealing with troll bullshit TG: i guess its just when the most shit is going down so they figure thats the best time to mess with us EB: yeah, that makes sense. EB: i guess since you've lived three days in one day, you've just been hassled that much more? TG: i dont know man they seem to flock to me TG: ive been laying waste to chumps nonstop TG: its like they heard somebody over here was handing out asses and theyve known nothing but years of bitter ass famine EB: heheh. EB: so what is the future like? EB: or uh, the 3x future... EB: do we win??? TG: oh you know TG: noirs outta control TG: rose is crazy jades crazier and youre TG: well youre you TG: and together were up to our bulges and miscellaneous bullshit alien physiology in hot sloppy shenanigans while hatching plans under our feathery asses like a bunch of cage free farm fresh motherfuckers TG: but im not about to get into specifics cause this is complicated enough as it is TG: and if i started ranting too much about the future id start sounding like one of these smug alternian shitheads and im not about to drop that retarded science on my good bro TG: so im staying on track here TG: speaking of which TG: give me your money EB: but... EB: i worked hard saving up that money! EB: i have a whole boonbuck now. TG: oh christ TG: only one TG: well fuck nevermind then TG: i thought youd have more by now but thats goddamn peanuts EB: :( TG: i mean TG: ill take it anyway but damn EB: tell me what you want with it! TG: im working the system here TG: using time loops to manipulate the incipispheres financial sector TG: making a goddamn killing in the lohacse EB: lohacse? TG: lohac stock exchange EB: um... EB: lohac? TG: my planet TG: land of heat and clockwork dude come on TG: you know like gears and lava and shit EB: oh, huh. EB: that sounds unpleasant. TG: wrong it kicks ass EB: your unpleasant face is what kicks ass! EB: or DOESN'T, more like. TG: egbert stfu and give me your goddamn boonbuck j3gus fuck TG: ill turn it into a boonmint in an hour and youll get it back ok EB: j3gus? EB: *narrows eyes suspiciously...* TG: no comment EB: i don't even know how to give it to you! EB: they are just more weird gaming abstractions, how do we do this? TG: you can wire it to my account TG: ill send you the app EB: i'm really pretty busy you know. i have to help jade! TG: i know TG: but this takes like two seconds EB: bluh... EB: fiiiiiiiine. TG: dude TG: dont do the vriska thing ok TG: shes messed up we talked about this TG: or will talk EB: who? TG: whatever TG: alright app incoming
-- turntechGodhead [TG] sent ectoBiologist [EB] the file "virtualporkhollow.exe" --
TG: gotta go later
Looks like Egbert came through. He wires you his measly BOONBUCK. It's not much, but it is immediately funneled into the pipelines of your various investment scams, and quickly begins paying dividends.
The figures are tight. You have this shit on fiduciary lockdown. The economy belongs to you.
|PESTERLOG|
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]
GC: H3Y D4V3 GC: B1G N3WS TG: hey TG: have i made enough money yet GC: OF COURS3 YOU H4V3 GC: MOR3 TH4N W3 COULD 3V3R POSS1BLY F1GUR3 OUT WH4T TO DO W1TH GC: BUT TH4T 1S NOT TH3 B1G N3WS! >:] TG: ok GC: 1 M4D3 YOU 4NOTH3R COM1C TG: fuck TG: bout time TG: what took so long GC: 1 R3S3NT TH3 1MPL1C4T1ON D4V3 GC: TH4T 1 4M NOT WORK1NG T1R3L3SSLY ON YOUR B3H4LF 4S W3LL 4S ON B3H4LF OF TH3 F1N3 4RTS GC: JUST B3C4US3 YOU GO FOR HOURS W1THOUT H34R1NG FROM M3 GC: DO3SNT M34N 1 4M NOT SL4V1NG 4W4Y H3R3 4T M4K1NG YOU R1CH GC: F1N4NC14LLY 4ND 4RT1ST1C4LLY GC: 1TS JUST 1 DONT H4V3 TH3 LUXURY OF YOUR 3XP4ND3D T1M3FR4M3 GC: M1ST3R THR33 D4YS 1N ON3 >:[ TG: k cool lets see it GC: 1S TH3R3 4NYTH1NG TH4T 4 HUM4N COOLK1D C4NNOT DO??? GC: http://tinyurl.com/T34CHM3D4V3 GC: 1 DOUBT 1T! >8D TG: damn TG: thats incredible GC: TH3 PH3NOM3NON OF TH3 COOLK1D 1S 4 F4SC1N4T1NG ON3 D4V3 GC: 1 H4V3 STUD13D 1T GC: D1D YOU KNOW TH4T W3 DO NOT H4V3 COOLK1DS ON 4LT3RN14? TG: oh shit really TG: that loud sound of shock you just smelled was my jaw hitting the floor GC: 1TS TRU3 GC: SOM3 TRY TO B3 1 TH1NK, W1THOUT 3V3N B31NG 4W4R3 OF TH3 T3MPL4T3 TH3Y 4R3 STR1V1NG FOR GC: 1T 1S 4 S4D SP3CT4CL3 GC: BUT 1 TH1NK YOU 4R3 PROB4BLY TH3 COOL3ST COOLK1D D4V3 GC: 4LL TH3S3 OTH3R HORNS3S 4SS3S SURF1NG ON K3YBO4RDS 4ND PUTT1NG H4TS ON TURNW4YS 4R3 4 BUNCH OF STUT1D NUMPNUTS GC: TH3Y H4V3 NOTH1NG ON TH3 ON3 TRU3 STR1D3R TG: yeah i mean TG: i cant possibly argue with any of that TG: so are we done making money yet or what GC: OH 1 DONT KNOW GC: T3CHN1C4LLY W3 W3R3 4 LONG T1M3 4GO TG: yeah i kinda figured GC: BUT 1TS 4 FUN W4Y TO STR3TCH OUT TH3 T1M3 YOUV3 GOT L3FT, 1SNT 1T? GC: >:] TG: im not complaining TG: but you said there was something specific we were working toward here TG: i mean aside from buying up all the nastiest fraymotifs GC: Y3S BOTH 4R3 TRU3 GC: 4ND TH3R3 4R3 SOM3 YOU H4V3NT BOUGHT Y3T! GC: TH4T 1S 1MPORT4NT, W3 N33D TO K33P YOU COMP3T1T1V3 W1TH JOHN TG: competitive TG: man TG: dont matter what i do im not gonna outpace egbert GC: DONT S4Y TH4T! YOUV3 GOT TO B3L13V3 1N YOURS3LF D4V3 TG: hey its not like the futures a mystery or anything weve both seen it TG: well TG: ive seen it TG: youve just caught a whiff of it TG: like a hungry beggar loitering cross the street of an olive garden TG: just cause a filthy vagrants barred from entry dont mean a dude doesnt know italian foods nearby its a fucking fact to his nose GC: DO NOT D1STR4CT FROM TH3 1SSU3 W1TH YOUR S4SSY R3M4RKS 4BOUT 34RTH 1T4L14N FOOD GC: Y34H OK, JOHN M4Y S3RV3 YOU YOUR OWN BULG3 ON 4 S1LV3R TURN T4BL3 PR3 SCR4TCH GC: BUT WH4T 4BOUT 4FT3R TH4T? GC: W3 N33D YOU TO K33P P4C3 GC: 1T 1S TH3 CL4SS1C STRUGGL3, TH3 HUM4N 34RTH COOLK1D V3RSUS TH3 34RTH HUM4N N3RD GC: WHO W1LL W1N??????? >:O GC: (D4V3 D4V3 D4V3) TG: yeah fine TG: so whats the other thing we were accomplishing here TG: does that get to be not an obnoxious secret yet GC: Y3S, NOW 1S TH3 T1M3 GC: YOU MUST W1R3 YOUR BOONDOLL4RS TO MY 4CCOUNT TG: ok so this was your game TG: to get rich off me GC: Y3SSSSSSSSSSSS >8] GC: BUT S3R1OUSLY 1TS 1MPORT4NT! GC: 1T 1S CR1T1C4L TO 4LL OUR PL4NS TG: alright well its not like i even have a problem parting with this useless bullshit money TG: how much do you need GC: 413 BOONBONDS TG: thats all TG: i can afford to give you a fuckload more than that TG: how bout i give you an even boonbank GC: NO!!! GC: 1T MUST B3 3X4CTLY TH4T 4MOUNT TG: ok just to be clear TG: thats 413 TG: not "aie" GC: Y34H GC: J3RK >:P TG: whats up with that number TG: ive seen it around GC: TH3Y 4R3 TH3 NUM3R4LS OF TH3 BL1ND PROPH3TS TG: whats that mean GC: 1 DONT KNOW >:? TG: ok awesome GC: 4LSO GC: 4T TH3 3X4CT 3ND OF TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON GC: YOU MUST W1R3 TH3 MON3Y TO MY 4CCOUNT 3X4CTLY 6 HOURS 4ND 12 M1NUT3S 1NTO TH3 P4ST GC: MY P4ST! R3L4T1V3 TO MY PR3S3NT MOM3NT 4S OF TYP1NG TH1S TG: you mean i can do that TG: then TG: why werent we just wiring money into the past for these investment escapades instead of doing all this time traveling GC: B3C4US3! GC: TH4T W4SNT TH3 PL4N GC: W3 H4D TO PL4Y 4LONG W1TH TH3 ST4BL3 T1M3 LOOPS W3 W3R3 PR3S3NT3D W1TH GC: YOU KNOW, M4K3 SUR3 4LL THOS3 D4V3S RUNN1NG 4ROUND 3X1ST3D 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3 TG: oh yeah TG: i knew that its just frustrating sometimes its like paradox space makes you do everything the hard way GC: Y34H T3LL M3 4BOUT 1T GC: BUT H3Y 1TS B33N FUN PL4Y1NG 4LONG, H4SNT 1T? TG: sure GC: W3V3 GOT TO K33P B31NG D3L1C4T3 W1TH T1M3 GC: 1F YOU ST4RT B3ND1NG TH3 RUL3S 4ND T4K1NG SHORTCUTS GC: TH4TS WH3N D34D D4V3S ST4RT P1L1NG UP GC: D34D D4V3S 4R3 TH3 3N3MY! GC: 4S D3L1GHTFUL 4S 1T 1S TO SM3LL TH31R SW33T C4NDY BLOOD 3V3RYWH3R3 TG: yeah TG: reminds me TG: i made you a comic a while ago GC: YOU D1D??? TG: yeah here GC: >:o GC: D4V3... GC: TH1S COM1C 1S BORD3RL1N3 PORNOGR4PH1C GC: YOU 4R3 4 R34LLY FUCK3D UP K1D TG: yeah ok whatever you say TG: fuckin aliens GC: (1T 1S F4NT4ST1C, 1 LOV3 1T) TG: ok cool TG: hey boonbonds incoming now TG: brace yourself six hours ago
You have recently retreated to the Veil to hide from a mysterious demon which appears to be bent on your destruction. Suddenly nobody understands anything.
There is not much to do but wander around the laboratory while the others squabble amongst each other and search for answers. You point your nose Skaiaward. It is a refreshing blue minty dot against the Medium's dark canvas. It is very far away from this meteor though. It is hard to pick up its scent clearly.
You suppose you'd better report this to your teammates. Perhaps a memo is in order. But today, there will be little reason for rumpus in your partytown. Today is a very sad day. You are all in bigger trouble than you suspected.
|PESTERLOG|
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN.
CGC: B4D N3WS 3V3RYON3! CGC: UM FUTURE gallowsCalibrator [CGC] 3 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGC: T3R3Z1 SOM3TH1NG H4S COM3 UP CGC: OH? FGC: Y3S YOU W1LL N33D TO CUT TH1S M3MO SHORT FGC: 3V3RYON3, TH3 BOTTOM L1N3 1S TH4T PROSP1T W4S JUST D3STROY3D FGC: 1 4M SORRY TO S4Y FGC: >:[ CGC: >:[ FUTURE adiosToreador [FAT] 3:14 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FAT: iS, FAT: tHAT WHAT HAPPENED, FGC: Y3S T4VROS FAT: }:( FGC: WOW 1T TOOK YOU THR33 HOURS TO F1GUR3 TH4T OUT? FGC: WH4T TH3 H3LL H4V3 YOU B33N DO1NG FAT: mOSTLY, FAT: gETTING USED TO THESE LEGS, FAT: fALLING DOWN STAIRS, aND THINGS LIKE THAT, FUTURE centaursTesticle [FCT] 3:14 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCT: D --> I'm quite sure I warned you about attempting to navigate stairs while adjusting to the new equipment FUTURE arachnidsGrip [FAG] 3:14 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FAG: Yes, you told him 8ro! FAG: I distinctly remem8er you telling him a8out stairs. 8ut he didn't listen. FAG: He never listens! None of you do, really. FAG: And now all of your extra lives are waaaaaaaasted. FAG: What a 8unch of losers! I'm outta here. FAG banned herself from responding to memo.
CGC: W3LL CGC: NOT 4LL OF TH3M CGC: TH3 D3RS3 DR34M3RS 4R3 F1N3 4S F4R 4S 1 KNOW FUTURE arsenicCatnip [FAC] 3:14 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FAC: :33 < ummm no not quite :(( FAC: :33 < she is refurring to the fact that derse was just destroyed too FAC: :33 < i saw him during my catnap, he blew it right on up! CGC: >8C FAC: :33 < :'CC FAC: :33 < feferi was sl33ping too, and now she will not wake up! FAC: :33 < i am very purrturbed by this FGC: 3V3RYON3, PL34S3! FGC: P4ST T3R3Z1 H4S SOM3TH1NG 1MPORT4NT TO 4TT3ND TO 1N 4 MOM3NT FGC: SO 1 4M 4FR41D 1 MUST CLOS3 TH1S M3MO! FGC: PL34S3 SC4N TH3 BULL3T1N FOR FUTUR3 M3MOS TO CONT1NU3 D1SCUSS1NG TH1S 4ND OTH3R 1NTR1GU1NG TOP1CS FGC: 4S 4LW4YS, 1T H4S B33N 4 PL34SUR3 S3RV1NG YOUR TR4NST1M3L1N3 D1SCUSS1ON N33DS H3R3 4T TH3 R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN FAG unbanned herself from responding to memo.
FAG: You doofus!!!!!!!! FGC: SHUT TH3 FUCK UP! FGC banned FAG from responding to memo.
On the instruction of yourself from three minutes in the future, you wait for something to happen.
You wonder what could possibly happen that will cause you to become your future self in three minutes and interrupt your past self's memo and tell her to wait for three minutes doing nothing but wondering what could possibly happen that will cause her to become her future self in...
Hey. Someone just wired you some money. That's odd.
|PESTERLOG|
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]
GC: SOLLUX 1 N33D YOU TO TR4C3 4 MON3Y TR4NSF3R TA: 2omeone 2ent you money? GC: Y3S TA: why'2 2omeone 2endiing you money. TA: and why now of all tiime2, liike we can even u2e iit. TA: who'2 thii2 doucebag? GC: TH4TS WH4T 1 W4NT YOU TO F1GUR3 OUT! TA: ok. TA: bam, done. TA: ii am fuckiing iincrediible. GC: WHO 1S 1T? TA: 2omeone iin our uniiver2e. GC: C4N YOU B3 MOR3 SP3C1F1C? GC: UN1V3RS3S 4R3 K1ND OF HUG3. GC: SOM3ON3 FROM 4LT3RN14? TA: no no, ii mean 2omeone from OUR uniiver2e, the one we ju2t made. GC: WOW, 4LR34DY? GC: TH4T W4S F4ST GC: W3 JUST M4D3 1T! TA: yeah 2ure but we are completely out2iide iit2 temporal envelope remember. TA: the entiire hii2tory of the thiing exii2t2 already iin iit2 entiirety from our per2pectiive, iit2 flow of tiime mean2 nothiing two u2. TA: 2o we don't have two waiit for anythiing, iit'2 all already there. GC: Y34H TH4TS TRU3 GC: ST1LL S33MS W31RD THOUGH >:? TA: 413 boonbond2? damn. TA: 2omeone here ha2 been playiing 2grub ii gue22. wonder why they'd 2end u2 money. TA: maybe they know we made them? maybe iit'2 liike a tiip. liike thank2 dude2 for makiing u2 exii2t. GC: >:??? TA: why 413, why that number. TA: any iidea? GC: NUM3R4LS OF TH3 BL1ND PROPH3TS GC: OTH3R TH4N TH4T, DONT KNOW TA: well, 2eeiing a2 we don't know 2hiit about the guy... TA: bliind 2eem2 liike the operatiive concept. TA: kiinda liike a bliind donatiion. TA: and now we're fuckiing riich. TA: 2o ii gue22 you could 2ay... TA: they're the numeral2 of the bliind profiit2. TA: <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/trollcool.gif" border="0" /> GC: HURRR >8P GC: SO TH3N 1 GU3SS 1TS FROM 4N 4L13N TA: yeah. GC: M4YB3 W3 SHOULD T3LL K4RK4T GC: WH3N3V3R H3 W4K3S UP TA: ehhhhh, thii2 2hiit'2 probably not iimportant enough two bother hiim wiith. TA: iif he fiind2 out, he'll probably want two hatch 2ome dumba22 plan that make2 no 2en2e. TA: and badger me iintwo doiing a lot of miindnumbiing bu2ywork. TA: ii'd leave hiim alone. GC: WH4T DO3S H3 LOOK L1K3 GC: OUR BL1ND DONOR TA: here come here ii'll open hiim up iin a viiewport. GC: OK TA: let'2 2hed 2ome... TA: LIIGHT on the 2ubject. TA: <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/trollcool.gif" border="0" /> GC: H4H4H4 TH4T W4SNT 3V3N 4NY SORT OF PUN YOU DOOFUS TA: that wa2 the joke 2hut the fuck up.
The youngster receives striking new eyewear. Quite a handsome set. Perhaps it is customary for this species after emerging from the trials in the brooding caverns?
Or just MAYBE, this is some sort of coolkid you are dealing with here.
This race appears to be quite martially adept, even from early childhood. They must have proven to be very powerful Sgrub players. No wonder they managed to make so much money.
You cannot name him yet, no matter how inthufferable you find this coolkid to be! You will need to wait until his wriggling day, when he turns six solar sweeps.
|PESTERLOG|
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]
GC: H3Y 34RTH BOY GC: W41T... GC: 1 JUST 4SSUM3D YOU W3R3 4 BOY GC: M4YB3 YOUR3 4 G1RL? GC: 1 DONT KNOW MUCH 4BOUT YOUR W31RD HORNL3SS SP3C13S, 1 GU3SS YOU COULD B3 >:\ TG: yes im a girl GC: OH R34LLY? GC: 34RTHL1NGS 4R3 R34LLY B1Z4RR3 GC: NO OFF3NS3 GC: WH4T 1S YOUR SP3C13S C4LL3D TG: north american hollering phallus baboon GC: >:? GC: 1 TH1NK YOU M1GHT B3 PULL1NG MY FROND, F3M4L3 34RTHL1NG TG: no its true we are highly endangered TG: when our territory is threatened thats when the indiscriminate fucking begins TG: could fuck a circus tent down a gas tank TG: bunch it up in there good TG: slam the lid and drive away TG: beep beep albino hairless dickmonkey coming through GC: 1M NOT SUR3 WH4T TH4T M34NS GC: BUT 1 SUSP3CT 1T W4S SOM3TH1NG H1GHLY L4SC1V1OUS >:| TG: the glittering civilization before you was built on angry apefuck power alone TG: stand agog and marvel bitch GC: H4H4H4 OK TH1S 1S NONS3NS3, YOU 4R3 4 JOK3R GC: L1K3 M3 >:] GC: MY N4M3 1S T3R3Z1, WH4TS YOURS TG: shaggy 2 dope GC: OK SH4GGY, S33 GC: 1 C4N SM3LL D3C31T GC: L13S H4V3 4 SUBTL3 ODOR, 34SY TO M1SS 4T F1RST GC: BUT TH3 MOR3 TH3Y P1L3 UP TH3 MOR3 TH3Y ST1NK! GC: TH4T 1S NOT YOUR R34L N4M3 TG: ok sorry TG: its ben stiller GC: 4LSO 1 DONT TH1NK YOUR3 R34LLY 4 G1RL TG: nope TG: sorry to disappoint you dude GC: 1 4M 4 G1RL NOT 4 BOY! TG: dont care GC: >:[ GC: TH1S F1RST 3NCOUNT3R 1S NOT GO1NG 4S W3LL 4S 1 HOP3D TG: oh man another failed trolling attempt TG: i had such high hopes trapezi it started out brilliantly GC: T3R3Z1!!!!!!!! GC: 4ND 1 4M NOT TROLL1NG YOU, 1 4M JUST TRY1NG TO G3T TO KNOW 4 L1TTL3 4BOUT YOU 4ND YOUR SP3C13S GC: 1 JUST D1SCOV3R3D 1T 4ND 1 4M CUR1OUS TG: excuse me but it says right in the header of this conversation that youre trolling me TG: persterchum always knows GC: OH... GC: OH Y34H GC: BUT GC: OK TH1S M1GHT B3 H4RD FOR 4N 34RTH B4BOON TO UND3RST4ND GC: BUT TROLL 1S 4 V3RB TH4T H4S 4 LOT OF NU4NC3 GC: TH3 WORD C4N M34N 4 LOT OF TH1NGS GC: FOR 1NST4NC3, 1 4M 4 TROLL! TG: no shit GC: NO 1 M34N GC: TH4TS WH4T MY SP3C13S 1S C4LL3D TG: ok TG: let me just set aside some time to be stupid enough to believe that TG: hey looks like next month is chemical lobotomy month youre in luck GC: OH GOD WH4T 4 SM4RT4SS! GC: SM4RT4SS13ST 4L13N 3V3R TG: so what do you think TG: time to block you yet or what GC: NO! GC: L3TS K33P T4LK1NG GC: UM GC: WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG NOW TG: drawing a comic GC: H3Y 1 L1K3 TO DR4W TOO GC: 1M R34LLY QU1T3 GR34T 4T 1T TG: awesome GC: C4N YOU SHOW M3 YOUR COM1C TG: nah GC: COM3 ON GC: 1 W1LL DR4W YOU SOM3TH1NG 1N R3TURN GC: 1T W1LL B3 4 CULTUR4L 3XCH4NG3 TG: i dunno TG: you seem kinda young to me and this thing is like TG: borderline pornographic TG: how old are you GC: 6 TG: goddamn TG: ok now youre messing with me arent you you arent 6 GC: NO 1TS TRU3! TG: whatever thats bullshit TG: ok fuck it TG: just dont tell your parents GC: WH4T 4R3 P4R3NTS TG: thats just about the saddest thing i ever heard get said TG: here TG: http://tinyurl.com/CDandSL GC: 1 4M NOT SUR3 WH4T 1S PORNOGR4PH1C 4BOUT TH4T GC: 1TS JUST K1ND OF STR4NG3 TG: i guess GC: 1TS PR3TTY GOOD THOUGH TG: its ok TG: im not thrilled with this direction though i think its too much like my bros stuff TG: need to figure out my own ironic statement to make TG: spread my wings you know GC: Y3S GC: 1 TH1NK YOU C4N DO TH4T GC: YOU JUST H4V3 TO F1GUR3 OUT WH4T TH3 TRUTH 1S 1NS1D3 YOU TG: pretty deep troll girl GC: 1TS TRU3! GC: TH3R3 1S 4 LOT 1N YOUR M1ND WH1CH 1S CONC34L3D FROM YOUR SURF4C3 P3RC3PT1ON GC: YOU JUST N33D TO TRY TO B3COM3 4W4R3 OF 1T GC: CLOS3 YOUR 3Y3S GC: 4ND T3LL M3 WH4T YOU S33 1N YOUR M1NDSP4C3 TG: ok TG: i see TG: that fucking puppet GC: H4H4 Y3S YOUR 4DULT CUSTOD14NS S3RV4NT PUPP3T TG: uh what GC: WH4T 3LS3 DO YOU S33 TG: man i dunno TG: wheres this drawing you promised me GC: OH Y34H GC: H4NG ON GC: OK H3R3 YOU GO B3N ST1LL3R GC: http://tinyurl.com/FORB3NST1LL3R TG: oh my fucking hell TG: that is horrendous TG: in the most beautiful way GC: TH4NK YOU B3N >:] TG: god damn TG: that mouth TG: its like TG: i dont know TG: a fucking pork chop TG: jegus TG: i mean jesus TG: so overwhelmed i cant even damn type GC: Y3S W3LL GC: B3N 1 4M DR4W1NG W1TH 4 MOUS3 YOU KNOW TG: is there even any other way to draw on a computer TG: fuckin doubt it GC: 1M ST4RT1NG TO TH1NK YOUR N4M3 1SNT B3N GC: 1 TH1NK TH4T W4S 4NOTH3R RUS3 GC: T3LL M3 YOUR R34L N4M3!!! >:[ TG: ok lets say its TG: dave why not GC: D4V3! GC: TH4T SM3LLS L1K3 TRUTH GC: 1 W1LL D3C1D3 TO B3L13V3 1T >:] TG: fuck GC: OK D4V3, 1 H4V3 4 LOT TO DO GC: BUT 1 W1LL G3T B4CK TO YOU TG: what the hell could you possibly have to do TG: doesnt seem like youre into trolling us as much as your numbnut friends GC: MY FR13NDS? GC: 4R3 YOU SUGG3ST1NG OTH3RS L1K3 M3 H4V3 TROLL3D YOU TG: yeah what didnt you get the memo GC: 1 WR1T3 TH3 M3MOS!!! GC: 1 M1GHT NOT H4V3 WR1TT3N TH1S ON3 Y3T THOUGH... GC: 1 SHOULD PROB4BLY RUN TH1S BY GC: UH GC: MY L34D3R TG: your leader TG: thats a retarded thing to say even by the standard of your own bullshit made up vernacular GC: SM4RT4SS! TG: whos he really TG: your boyfriend or something GC: PFFFFFFFF Y34H R1GHT GC: W3LL OK GC: 1 M34N GC: 1TS B33N SORT OF COMPL1C4T3D W1TH H1M TG: ok asking for an explanation on that is pretty much the exact opposite of what im doing TG: and interesteds the opposite of what im being GC: SM4RT GC: 4SS GC: >:P GC: 4CTU4LLY H3S K1ND OF SM4RT4SSY L1K3 YOU NOW TH4T 1 TH1NK 4BOUT 1T GC: BUT YOU S33M C4LM 1NST34D OF SHOUTY 4LL TH3 T1M3 GC: 4LSO GC: YOU TYP3 1N BR1GHT BOLD R3D GC: YOU DONT H1D3 TH3 COLOR OF YOUR BLOOD L1K3 4 STUP1D W1GGL3R >:] TG: ok that remark was almost as boring as it was weird GC: OH P1P3 DOWN D4V3, 1 4M TRY1NG TO P4Y YOU 4 COMPL1M3NT! GC: 1 4M HOLD1NG OUT TH3 1NT3RSP3C13S OL1V3 BR4NCH H3R3, 4ND YOU 4R3 G1V1NG 1T 4 GOOD F1RM S4SS GR4B TG: haha GC: ON3 D4Y YOU W1LL RU3 4LL TH1S S4SS YOU H4V3 D1SH3D D4V3 GC: YOU M4Y NOT B3 4 G1RL, BUT YOU W1LL CRY L1K3 ON3 WH3N 1 4M THROUGH W1TH YOU TG: i dont cry GC: YOU W1LL GC: TH3R3 W1LL B3 T34RS GC: TH3Y W1LL SM3LL S4LTY, 4ND TH3N YOUR CH33KS W1LL B3 MY S4NDY B34CH >8] TG: oh god GC: OK, 1 W1LL G3T B4CK TO YOU 4FT3R YOU B3G1N PL4Y1NG GC: TH4T W1LL B3 N3XT SOL4R SW33P FOR YOU GC: TRY NOT TO B3 TOO 1MP4T13NT FOR MY R3TURN TG: i plan on forgetting about you instantly after this conversation GC: Y34H R1GHT GC: YOU KNOW 1 H4V3 L3FT MY M4RK GC: 1 4M S33R3D 1NTO YOUR R3T1N4S GC: L1K3 4 B1G R3D SUN TG: well maybe TG: even if thats the case TG: ill just forget on principle GC: TH4T SOUNDS L1K3 SOM3TH1NG TH4T 4 COOL K1D WOULD TRY TO DO TG: yeah TG: pretty cool guy here TG: case you hadnt noticed GC: 1 MOST C3RT41NLY D1DNT H4DNT NOT1C3D >:]
|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --
TG: what the fuck was the point of this again GC: WHY D4V3 GC: WH4T 1S TH1S TH4T MY NOS3 D3T3CTS GC: COULD 1T B3 GC: T34RS??? >:O TG: this is bullshit TG: this was a setup all along GC: 1 TOLD YOU YOU WOULD CRY D4V3 GC: 1 TOLD YOU BRO................ >8y TG: ok jegus TG: dont say it TG: if you say i warned you about tears or something one more time TG: i swear to gog GC: DONT! GC: DONT S4Y YOUR3 GO1NG TO DO 4N 4CROB4T1C SOM3RS4ULT OR P1RHOU3TT3 OFF OF SOM3TH1NG, J3GUS GC: 1 G3T 1T 4LR34DY! TG: ok fine TG: our memes can cancel each other out this time GC: Y3S 4GR33D GC: NOW DRY THOS3 SORRY 3Y3S D4V3 GC: TRY NOT TO B3 SUCH 4 FUCK1NG W1MP GC: 1T 1S UNFL4TT3R1NG B3H4V1OR FOR 4 COOLK1D OF YOUR ST4TUR3 TG: god dammit TG: im not actually crying TG: its the fucking onions TG: these piece of shit crocodiles are lambasting me with them GC: TH4TS TH3 L4M3ST 3XCUS3 1V3 3V3R H34RD GC: WHO 3V3R H34RD OF 4 S1LLY L1TTL3 ON1ON M4K1NG SOM3ON3 CRY, 1T 1S 4BSURD TG: i guess the stench of onions is covering up the smell of the truth how convenient TG: also your nose sux youre not even any good at smellin at all GC: >8O TH4T 1S OUTR4G3OUS GC: BUT 1 KNOW YOU 4R3 JUST TRY1NG TO G3T MY 34RTH GO4T GC: FOR HUM4N 1RON1C PURPOS3S TG: the only thing im getting TG: is out of this goddamn idiot cauldron here GC: NO D4V3 DONT! YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO M4K3 TH3 MOST D3L1C1OUS SOUP GC: 1T 1S M4K1NG M3 HUNGRY JUST TH1NK1NG 4BOUT 1T >:O~ TG: the only thing im going to make TG: is like banana and split TG: out of this bubbling pail of misery GC: OH GOG... GC: YOUR3 R1GHT GC: YOU 4R3 S1TT1NG 1N 4 HUG3 P41L >:o TG: why whats the relevance of that TG: tell me its more alien nonsense it will be so awesome to hear more of that GC: 1 4M NOT GO1NG TO 3XPL41N 1 WOULD B3 TOO 3MB4RR4SS3D TG: man TG: why did i ever agree to go along with this horseshit GC: B3C4US3 YOU H4D TO, 1T W4S 1N YOUR FUTUR3 GC: 4ND B3S1D3S YOU MUST US3 D1PLOM4CY TO W1N OV3R YOUR CONSORTS GC: S33 LOOK D4V3, TH3Y 4LL LOV3 YOU NOW! YOU 4R3 TH3 H3RO, 1TS YOU >:] GC: NOW TH3Y W1LL G1V3 YOU 4LL TH3 S3CR3TS OF TH3 L4ND TG: what secrets TG: they dont have any secrets TG: look at them theyre morons TG: the only secret theyve got is how many times a day they accidentally flush their medical alert bracelets down the toilet GC: D4V3, TH3Y 4R3 STUP1D 4ND Y3T V3RY W1S3 GC: YOU H4V3 MUCH TO L34RN 4ND 1 W1LL K33P H3LP1NG YOU L34RN 1T! GC: 3V3N 1F YOU 4R3 4 HUG3 CRYB4BY WHO 1S 34S1LY UPS3T BY CHOPP3D V3G3T4BL3S TG: ok im gonna change out of this wet suit TG: and into a dry shut your fucking mouth GC: >8Y BLUHHHHHHH
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TG: there now i wont be satisfying your crazy red fetish either GC: >:'C GC: NOW 1 4M CRY1NG TOO YOU S33 WH4T YOU D1D TG: all you get to smell is black TG: like licorice or something TG: you hate licorice right GC: 1 LOV3 L1COR1C3 TG: shit TG: ok lets say i dont smell like licorice then TG: i smell like TG: a coal miners asshole GC: TOO L4T3! GC: 1T 4LR34DY SM3LLS L1K3 L1COR1C3 S1NC3 YOU S41D TH4T, 4ND NOW 1 C4NT UNSM3LL 1T TG: whatever TG: anyway TG: probably bout time i got on with this game TG: sans these pointless sidequests you want drag me through for kicks TG: later terezi nice knowing you GC: W41T! GC: YOU C4N'T D1TCH M3, W3V3 GOT 1MPORT4NT STUFF TO DO TOG3TH3R TG: unlikely GC: OH GC: H3Y >:o GC: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY N4M3? TG: you told me remember GC: Y34H, BUT 1 THOUGHT YOU FORGOT! TG: why would i forget GC: YOU S41D YOU W3R3 GO1NG TO M4K3 4 PO1NT OF FORG3TT1NG! TG: oh TG: i guess i forgot i was supposed to forget GC: W3LL TH3N GC: M1ST3R D4V3 STR1D3R GC: 1 4M GL4D TH4T YOU FORGOT TO FORG3T >:D TG: uh alright GC: OH!!! GC: SP34K1NG OF FORG3TT1NG TO NOT FORG3T TH1NGS GC: 1 FORGOT TO SHOW YOU TH1S GC: PR3TTY SPOT ON DONT YOU TH1NK GC: http://tinyurl.com/SPOTONSTR1D3R TG: what the hell GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4 GC: 4BSOLUT3 P3RF3CT1ON! GC: 4ND TH3R3 GO3S TH3 B1G M4N 1N H1S 34RTH SPORT, DR1V1NG TH3 HOOP THROUGH TH3 P41NT........ GC: DOWN TOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TG: whats your obsession with making this goofy bullshit anyway TG: is it troll irony GC: 1 H4V3 D3V3LOP3D 4 P4SS1ON FOR COMB1NG YOUR 1NT3RN3T FOR TH3 COOL K1DS GC: 4ND M4K1NG TH3M COOL3R GC: BY STR1D3RFY1NG TH3M >:] TG: dont get me wrong its awesome GC: TH4NK YOU D4V3 GC: HON3STLY 1 TH1NK 1 4M 4 B3TT3R 4RT1ST TH4N 1 H4V3 PR3S3NT3D SO F4R GC: 1F ONLY 1 COULD DR4W YOU SOM3TH1NG W1TH MY CH4LK >:\ GC: OH!!! GC: 1 KNOW, 1 C4N BORROW MY FR13NDS DR4W1NG T4BL3T GC: 1 W1LL DO TH4T 1N 4 L1TTL3 WH1L3 TG: thats cool GC: D4V3 W3 SHOULD TR4D3 SOM3 DR4W1NGS GC: YOU 4ND M3 TG: sure thats fine TG: im still gonna go off and do my own thing though TG: later GC: W41T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TG: dammit what GC: OK 1 G3T TH4T YOU 4R3 TH1S R4D LON3R 4ND YOU TH1NK YOU H4V3 1T 4LL F1GUR3D OUT GC: BUT HOW 4BOUT TH1S GC: 1F 1 4M M34NT TO H3LP YOU, TH3N YOUR FUTUR3 S3LF OUGHT TO V1S1T YOU R1GHT NOW 4ND G1V3 YOU 4 THUMBS UP, R1GHT? GC: 1T W1LL B3 YOUR W4Y OF CONF1RM1NG TO YOURS3LF TH4T 1 C4N B3 TRUST3D GC: TH3R3 1S NO W4Y YOU WOULD PL4N TO DO TH4T 1N TH3 FUTUR3 1F YOU 3ND UP R3GR3TT1NG MY H3LP GC: DO3S TH4T SOUND F41R? TG: yeah fine but i doubt that i TG: oh fuck there i am hiding behind that column GC: >8D
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TG: ok so whats the plan GC: 1 THOUGHT YOU WOULD N3V3R 4SK GC: TH3R3 4R3 SO M4NY PL4NS GC: W3 4R3 GO1NG TO B3 SO BUSY D4V3, YOU H4V3 NO 1D34 TG: thats cool TG: but whats the answer that doesnt have anything to do with meaningless bullshit GC: 1SNT 1T OBV1OUS? GC: NOW TH4T W3 4R3 4 T34M D4V3 GC: YOU 4ND M3 GC: 1T 1S T1M3 TG: time TG: for GC: T1M3 TG: for TG: come on GC: FOR............ TG: ...... TG: ........... GC: ............................. GC: FOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.............. TG: god dammit GC: 4 MOTH3R FUCK1NG D4NC3 P4RTY!!!!!!! >:O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GC: http://tinyurl.com/OMGD4NC3P4RTY TG: whoa
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TG: its like TG: watching a miracle made of nothing but twitching schroder legs GC: YOU S33 D4V3 GC: 1 TOLD YOU, YOU W1LL NOT R3GR3T H1TCH1NG YOUR SH1TTY JP3GGY FOUR WH33L D3V1C3 TO MY CONST3LL4T1ON GC: TH1S 1S WH3R3 TH3 P4RTYS 4T TG: look at us go TG: i cant stop watching TG: damn TG: those moves GC: TRUST M3 GC: TH3S3 MOV3S DONT STOP K33P T4K1NG PL4C3 GC: NOT 4T TH1S P4RTY TG: i can see im going to have to drop everything TG: drop it like its simultaneously hot and i just tripped over the rug TG: dedicate my undivided attention to this shit GC: D4V3, WHY TR1P OV3R TH4T RUG... GC: WH3N YOU C4N CUT 1T????? >:] GC: T4PP4 T4P T4P 4 P4P! GC: SHOOSH SHOOSH! TG: damn youre right TG: truth be told everyone will be tripping when im done TG: once i upset this biznasty with my swift cuts TG: dudes will phalanx themselves agape like theyre offerin to store my shit in their mouths for the night TG: rows of glasseyed human fly catchers beholding categorical fucking domination of the dance floor TG: but they wont catch none cause the flys all mine GC: YOU H4V3 4LL TH3 D3L1C1OUS FL13S TG: theres not any i dont have TG: im crafting a new dance move TG: to shock the shit out of asses in pants TG: fred astaires ghost will weep in the arms of his own nimble rotting corpse GC: WH4T 1S YOUR N3W MOV3 D4V3 >:? TG: its called TG: the smug cracker parlor wiggle GC: >:O GC: 1 1M4G1N3 TH3S3 GYR4T1ONS W1LL SM3LL QU1T3 FR3SH GC: L1K3 R3C3NTLY L34V3N3D GRUBLO4F TG: of course TG: and just when the scene thought it was startin to recover from its ridiculous erection over that TG: thats when i bust out another fierce move TG: i call it rageclock me in the douche smirk plz TG: cut out to the rude jam "askin 4 it!" GC: HOW RUD3 WOULD YOU S4Y TH1S J4M 1S D4V3 TG: id say if i had to take an educated guess it was outright goddamn unmannerly TG: needs to get worked over by some stuffy prude at finishing school GC: W1LL YOU T34CH M3 TH3S3 MOV3S TG: i dont know about that GC: PL34S3 D4V3 GC: YOU ST4ND TH3R3 4ND DO TH3 UNM4NN3RLY MOV3S, 4ND 1 W1LL OBS3RV3 STUD1OUSLY TG: i dont know if you can keep up with me kid TG: no offense TG: theres just magic in these shoes and the coy gnome i ransacked wants them goddamn back GC: COM3 ON GC: YOU T4K3 TH3 L34D GC: 4ND 1 W1LL FOLLOW GC: L1K3 TH1S GC: http://tinyurl.com/T34CHM3YOURMOV3SD4V3 TG: ahahahahahaha
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TG: i feel like i should be offering some visual rebuttal here TG: you arent giving me any time though dammit GC: TH4T 1S B3C4US3 1 H4V3 YOU 4T TH3 T3MPOR4L D1S4DV4NT4G3 GC: 1 C4N P4US3 4ND DO WH4T3V3R 1 L1K3 4ND TH3N CONT1NU3 OUR CONV3RS4T1ON W1THOUT M1SS1NG 4 ST3P! GC: BUT DO NOT WORRY D4V3 GC: 1T WOULD B3 4 SH4M3 TO H4V3 TO WH1FF YOUR FR4GR4NT T34RS 4G41N GC: 3V3NTU4LLY TH3 T4BL3S W1LL TURN 4ND TH3 4DV4NT4G3 W1LL B3 YOURS GC: YOU W1LL H4V3 4LL TH3 T1M3 1N TH3 PR3N4T4L UN1V3RS3 4T YOUR D1SPOS4L GC: B31NG TH3 KN1GHT OF T1M3 4ND 4LL TG: oh yeah TG: i keep forgetting i can time travel TG: thats fine i guess GC: 4ND ONC3 YOU H4V3 TH3 UPP3R H4ND GC: 4ND TH3R3 4R3 MOR3 D4V3S SCR4MBL1NG 4ROUND TH4N YOU C4N SH4K3 4 BROK3N SWORD 4T GC: TH3N YOU W1LL G3T YOUR CH4NC3 TO 1MPR3SS M3 >;] GC: L1K3 SO GC: http://tinyurl.com/TH3FLO4R-1SONF1R3 TG: see TG: i cant compete with this GC: H3H3H3H3H3
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TG: but seriously what is the real plan here TG: that has to do with not fucking around GC: TH3R3 1S NO PL4N TH4T DO3S NOT 1NVOLV3 FUCK1NG 4ROUND GC: BUT W3 W1LL M4K3 SUR3 4LL OF OUR FUCK1NG W1LL B3 4PPL13D 1N 4 CONSTRUCT1V3 D1R3CT1ON TG: ok could you try to be somehow even less subtle when you hit on me thanks GC: WH4T GC: WH4T D1D 1 S4Y? TG: man TG: nevermind GC: YOU W1LL H4V3 TO FORG1V3 M3 D4V3, 1 TH1NK SOM3T1M3S TH3 M34N1NG OF WORDS 1S LOST THROUGH OUR CULTUR4L D1FF3R3NC3S TG: no shit TG: im going to infer that your species reproduces by having sex with a grub in a bucket or something TG: am i close GC: D4V3 GC: TH4T 1S 4BSOLUT3LY TH3 F1LTH13ST TH1NG 1 H4V3 3V3R H34RD 4NYON3 S4Y >:\ TG: ok sorry TG: back on point TG: what are we doing GC: W3LL, W3 N33D TO ST4RT M4K1NG YOU SOM3 MON3Y GC: LOTS 4ND LOTS 4ND LOTS OF 1T! TG: ok GC: WH3N YOU H4V3 S4V3D UP 3NOUGH GC: W3 W1LL BUY YOU YOUR F1RST FR4YMOT1F GC: TH3N YOU C4N ST4RT CUTT1NG OUT TRULY TH3 FLY3ST OF MOV3S GC: 4ND TH4T 1S WH3N W3 W1LL B3G1N TH3 MOST POORLY B3H4V3D D4NC3 P4RTY OF 4LL >:D TG: sounds cool GC: D3MONS 4ND D3N1Z3NS 4L1K3 W1LL TR3MBL3 B3FOR3 YOUR F1DG3TY GYR4T1ONS GC: 4ND MOST 1MPORT4NTLY, YOU W1LL PROV3 YOURS3LF TO B3 TH3 B3ST HUM4N BOY OF 4LL GC: W4Y B3TT3R TH4N TH4T DORKY 3GB3RT 4ND WHO3V3R M1GHT B3 M3DDL1NG W1TH H1M 4T 4NY G1V3N MOM3NT TG: huh what an odd thing to say TG: it demands no explanation whatsoever GC: NO OF COURS3 NOT TG: so how do i start making all this money GC: P4T13NC3! GC: R3M3MB3R HOW 1 S41D YOU H4V3 PL3NTY OF T1M3 TG: tell me anyway GC: OK W3LL T4K3 WH4T YOU H4V3 S4V3D UP FROM CL1MB1NG YOUR 3CH3L4DD3R TO ST4RT W1TH GC: HOW MUCH DO YOU H4V3? TG: dont know TG: i never even looked at it GC: D3RRRRP, N1C3 JOB 4C3 G4M3R GC: M4YB3 YOU SHOULD H4V3 4 LOOK 4T 1T TG: k GC: 4ND TH3N 1 W1LL 4DV1S3 YOU L4T3R 4FT3R OBS3RV1NG TH3 GR4ND SCH3M3 OF 4LL TH1NGS 4ND 4LL D4V3S GC: 1 W1LL L34V3 YOU 4LON3 FOR 4 L1TTL3 WH1L3 TO W4ND3R 4ND 3XPLOR3 GC: BUT 1 W1LL B3 B4CK! GC: 4ND 1 W1LL COM3 B4CK W1TH 4 DR4W1NG T4BL3T GC: 4ND TH3N YOU W1LL S33 SOM3 TRU3 M4ST3RP13C3S TG: ok after all this hype you better be prepared to fucking dazzle me TG: are you gonna bring it? GC: 4LLOW M3 TO PROV1D3 4N 4NSW3R THROUGH 1NT3RPR3T1V3 D4NC3 GC: http://tinyurl.com/H3LLFUCK1NGY3S TG: awesome TG: peace out t-z GC: >:) TG: oh shit GC: >:?
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-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] --
EB: hey vriska! EB: ok, i still cannot find my nanna up here, so now i am just installing this game. EB: what are you up to? AG: John! What the hell. There are so many things wrong with what you just said. AG: First of all, who told you you could just hassle me without warning like this? That's not how this works! EB: why not? you guys do it all the time. AG: Yes, 8ecause we are trolling you! Those are the rules. We get to 8ug you any time we feel like, and you have to sit there and t8ke it like a chump. EB: bluh... AG: I am too 8usy to 8e fielding your nonsense at the drop of one of your a8surd human hats. I have a ridiculous num8er of irons in the fire. You will speak to me only when I am ready to contact you, is that clear???????? EB: that's dumb. i'm going to talk to you whenever i want! AG: Secondly, I am very pissed off that you figured out my name. EB: well, i didn't know it was your name for sure until you just told me now. EB: so, haha. AG: Dammit! AG: Who told you? EB: heheh, i am not telling. EB: a true wise guy never reveals his tricks. AG: I will find out who told you. And then I will m8ke them p8y. EB: nuh uh! EB: anyway, i was just wondering if you had a chance to watch that awesome video i linked you to? AG: What video? EB: you know... EB: the one about the renegade hero who busted loose from the slammer to save the day. AG: John, the way you descri8e movies makes them sound extremely stupid. Why would I want to watch this crap???????? EB: just do it, you won't be sorry. EB: i mean, when you are not so busy and have less irons in the fire or whatever. EB: ok, i am starting this game now and saving jade, like a street tough maverick with nothing to lose. EB: see ya, vriska! AG: XXXX| EB: oh, damn... AG: ::::?
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carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]
CG: HEY SHITHEAD YOU ARE IN HUGE TROUBLE. CG: A WORD WITH YOU AND YOUR FRIEND. EB: oh no. EB: which conversation is this for you? your second or so? CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT EB: i mean... EB: the second time you have spoken to me? EB: or first?? CG: JOHN, FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, THIS IS OUR TEN MILLIONTH CONVERSATION. EB: oh. EB: i thought you were going backwards though. CG: I WAS CG: GOT BACK TO THE BEGINNING CG: AND THEN JUMPED AHEAD AGAIN A BUNCH OF TIMES. CG: STOP BEING SO LINEAR, IT'S GETTING OLD. CG: NOW I NEED YOU TO JOIN THIS MEMO SO WE CAN DISCUSS SOMETHING IMPORTANT. EB: memo? CG: CLICK THE AWESOME BANNER I MADE. CG: <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/FRUITYRUMPUSASSHOLEFACTORY.gif" border="0" /> EB: uh... EB: ok.
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carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]
CG: HEY SHITHEAD YOU ARE IN HUGE TROUBLE. CG: A WORD WITH YOU AND YOUR FRIEND. TG: i thought you were asleep CG: YES DAVE, I WAS ASLEEP AT ONE POINT. CG: IT STANDS TO REASON I AM NOW AND WILL ALWAYS BE ASLEEP AT EVERY POINT ON ALL TIMELINES. CG: THAT REALLY MAKES A LOT OF FUCKING SENSE. CG: NOW YOU, ME, AND EGBERT NEED TO HAVE A CHAT. CG: HERE I MADE A COOL BANNER USING SOME OF YOUR SHITTY EARTH CLIP ART. CG: CLICK IT. CG: <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/FRUITYRUMPUSASSHOLEFACTORY.gif" border="0" /> TG: not cool TG: luring me into your cyber boobytrap with shitty clip art who told you my weakness CG: IT'LL WORK, WON'T IT? TG: obviously
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?CG AT ?:?? opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY.
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTG: what CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CEB: ok, i am here. CEB: oh, hi dave! CTG: hey CEB: what is going on in here? CTG: some kinda asshole rumpus looks like ?CG: EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP, I HATE YOU BOTH, ETC. ETC. ETC. ?CG: NOW THAT THE PLEASANTRIES ARE OUT OF THE WAY, THERE IS IMPORTANT BUSINESS TO DISCUSS. ?CG: THIS MEMO IS NOT ABOUT WHICH GUY CAN MANAGE TO BE THE HEFTIEST SACK OF SHAME GLOBES TO ONE ANOTHER. ?CG: IT IS NOT ABOUT WHICH ONE OF US WILL MOST DECISIVELY ESCORT THE OTHERS "TO SCHOOL", WHERE THEY WILL RECEIVE A VAST HELPING OF "OH SNAP" RAMMED DOWN THEIR INSATIABLE IGNORANCE SHAFTS. ?CG: THIS IS AN IMPORTANT CONVERSATION WHICH I BELIEVE NEEDS TO TAKE PLACE HERE AND NOW, SO YOU WILL BOTH SHAPE YOUR SHIT UP AND PERHAPS BEGIN TO APPROXIMATE PEOPLE WHO AREN'T EXCRUCIATINGLY RETARDED. CTG: ok later windbag ?CG: STRIDER FUCK OFF ?CG: AND BY FUCK OFF I MEAN FUCK OFF RIGHT BACK HERE AND LISTEN, YOU INSUFFERABLE PRICK. CEB: yeah, dave, don't go! CEB: i think we should listen to what he has to say. ?CG: YES, LISTEN TO YOUR LEADER DAVE. ?CG: AS DUMB AS EGBERT IS, HE IS SMARTER THAN YOU AND IS THE RIGHTFUL SUPERIOR AMONG YOUR DREARY LITTLE PARTY. ?CG: BUT I AM THE SUPERIOR OF BOTH OF YOU AND WHAT YOU REALLY NEED TO BE DOING IS LISTENING TO ME. ?CG: SO DAVE, TRY TO KEEP ALL THOSE SICK FIRES CHECKED AND THOSE STOIC LIPS PURSED FOR A GOD DAMNED SECOND ?CG: AND TAKE THIS SIMPLE BIT OF HATEFRIENDLY ADVICE: ?CG: STOP HITTING ON TEREZI IMMEDIATELY, IT'S FUCKING EMBARRASSING TO WATCH. CTG: nah CEB: haha, dave you're hitting on terezi? really?? CTG: no CTG: but whatever he thinks im doing im not going to stop CTG: the guys jealous obviously he thinks his girlfriend has a thing for me and you know what hes probably right CTG: but what else is new just another lady from outer space mackin on me whatever chance she gets ?CG: OH, HA HA! IF SMUG WAS A MOTORCYCLE, IT JUST JUMPED OVER A FUCKING CANYON. ?CG: THE CROWD GOES WILD WITH DISMAY, AND THEN COMMITS MASS SUICIDE. CEB: karkat, is terezi really your girlfriend? ?CG: GUESS WHAT THIS CONVERSATION IS ABOUT! NOT THAT PARTICULAR TOPIC. ?CG: ALSO GUESS WHOSE BUSINESS THAT STILL ISN'T, FUCKING YOURS, THAT'S RIGHT. CTG: pretty sure she is CTG: or he thinks she is or something CTG: made it pretty obvious when he started ranting at me months ago CTG: back when i suspected these trolls were full of shit CTG: but now look how far weve come CTG: theres not any doubt left about that at all ?CG: EVEN IF THERE WAS ANYTHING GOING ON, WHICH THERE DEFINITELY [OOPS TIME TO MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AGAIN, ASSHOLE!] ?CG: OUR ROMANCE IS MUCH MORE COMPLICATED THAN THE JOKE THAT PASSES FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF THE CONCEPT. ?CG: YOU ONLY HAVE ONE QUADRANT! THAT'S JUST ABSURD. CTG: right CTG: sounds like its time to get a clue she is over you dude CEB: what is so different about your romance? CEB: what's a quadrant? how many do you have? CTG: john god dammit stop embarrassing us CTG: first of all weve got to be on record here as not giving a shit about that CTG: second obviously theres gonna be 4 quadrants come on ?CG: JOHN, I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I SAID ABOUT YOU BEING THE SMART ONE. ?CG: DAVE IS NOW THE LEADER, EVEN THOUGH HE'S A SMUG SHITSTAIN WITH SHADES AND A POKER FACE. ?CG: IF THERE WERE FIVE, THEY'D BE CALLED QUINTDRANTS, GET IT??? CEB: wow, okay! CEB: who cares, jeeeeeeeez. ?CG: YES, EXACTLY. WHO CARES? ?CG: AS FASCINATING AS A LECTURE ON ALL THAT WOULD BE, IT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT. ?CG: WHICH BRINGS ME TO A RELATED POINT OF BUSINESS. ?CG: JOHN, DON'T THINK I DIDN'T NOTICE HOW MANY E'S YOU JUST TYPED THERE. ?CG: THAT'S GOT TO STOP TOO. CEB: what does? ?CG: STOP TALKING TO VRISKA. I'M FUCKING SERIOUS. CEB: what! CEB: no way. vriska's cool, i'll talk to her all i want! ?CG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. ?CG: YOU JACKASSES HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE GETTING YOURSELVES INTO. ?CG: THEY'RE DANGEROUS, AND YOU'RE JUST BLUNDERING RIGHT INTO THEIR HYPERCOMPETITIVE MINDFUCK MURDER-THICKET. ?CG: THESE PSYCHO GIRLS HAVE ALREADY GOTTEN EACH OF YOU KILLED AT LEAST ONCE TO MY KNOWLEDGE. CEB: well, yeah... CEB: but terezi killed me in an alternate timeline, so that isn't too bad i guess. CEB: plus, i am pretty sure that she is sorry about it. ?CG: OH GOD, YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT? ?CG: AND YOU'RE STILL GETTING UP TO THESE ANTICS ?CG: YOU ARE BOTH FUCKING HOPELESS, I GIVE UP. CTG: k then bye ?CG: SHUT YOUR SQUAWK GAPER AND STAY PUT. ?CG: I'M NOT DONE. CTG: sounds like a loudmouth inferiority thing going on here to me CTG: like you dont want to acknowledge that your troll ladies find a couple of human dudes irresistible ?CG: YOU DON'T GET IT. ?CG: I DO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT AS MUCH AS IT MAKES ME SICK TO MY VARIOUS BITS OF ALIEN PHYSIOLOGY YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF, THESE GIRLS ARE CLEARLY FLIRTING WITH BOTH OF YOU PRETTY HARD. ?CG: THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE SWEPT YOU BOTH INTO THEIR SICK ASSASSINATION GAMES IS SADLY WHAT MAKES THIS OBVIOUS. ?CG: THAT'S WHAT THEY DO. CEB: wait... CEB: are you saying that vriska is interested in me? CEB: like, romantically? ?CG: EGBERT JUST EARNED A FEW BRAIN POINTS! ?CG: HE HAS REACHED A NEW RUNG ON HIS ECHELADDER, "EASILY OUTFOXED BY SIMPLE UTENSILS" ?CG: "BUCKAROO" ?CG: OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT CTG: smooth CEB: oh man. CEB: uh... ?CG: YES LET'S ALL HAVE A GREAT BIG OH MAN OVER THAT ?CG: AND THEN FUCKING CUT THE HORSESHIT FOREVER. SOUND GOOD? CEB: i'm not sure what to think about this. CEB: dave, what do you think i should do? CTG: i dunno CTG: do you like her CEB: well, like i said, i thought she was pretty cool... CEB: kinda bossy! but also pretty friendly. CTG: yeah ok CTG: but i mean CTG: anything more than that CTG: like CTG: if earth wasnt destroyed and she werent in some other universe on a planet full of unspeakable frothing dipshits CTG: and she was on earth visiting your town or something CTG: would you want to ask her to go see one of your dumbass movies CTG: like the new maconnohey jam where he smirks and like all but deliberately draws the audiences ire like a goddamn magnetron CEB: mcconaughey!!!!!!!! CEB: um, wow, i don't know. CEB: i mean, yeah, sure it would be fun to do something like that with her, i think. CEB: but... CEB: beyond that, it's a little confusing! CEB: i don't think i have ever actually liked a girl before in that way, so i am not really sure what i am supposed to feel or do... ?CG: HOLY FUCK WHAT AM I EVEN READING HERE????? CTG: doesnt concern you dude ?CG: OK JOHN, ARE YOUR FEELINGS QUITE SORTED OUT YET? ?CG: ARE YOU QUITE DONE SLOGGING THROUGH THE EMOTIONAL MORASS OF ADOLESCENCE, EMERGING FROM THE SLUDGE IN YOUR JUNIOR ECTOBIOLOGY WADERS? ?CG: ARE WE FEELING JUST A LITTLE BIT WISER? DID WE GROW TODAY? THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL! ?CG: YOU WOULD THINK WARNING YOU GUYS THAT FRATERNIZING WITH THESE FEMALES IS PUTTING YOUR LIVES IN DANGER WOULD BE ENOUGH. ?CG: REALLY, DANGER YOU SAY? OH GOODNESS, WE NEARLY MADE A HUGE MISTAKE! WHY THANK YOU, MR. TROLL, HOW GRACIOUS OF YOU TO ALERT US TO OUR FOOLISHNESS. CTG: i dunno man doesnt sound like you really got our interests in mind here CTG: you just sound kinda bitter CTG: did one of the human ladies reject you ?CG: OF COURSE NOT. CTG: how did it go did you stand in a quadrant like you were playing four square CTG: holding a bucket full of flowers or slime or whatever and jade was like no thanks bro CTG: is that how it went down ?CG: YES, YOU FIGURED IT OUT! YOU ARE A SAVANT OF XENOBIOLOGY DAVE AND I SALUTE YOU WITH ONE OF MY MANY INTERGALACTIC SPACE TENDRILS ?CG: (THAT'S FAKE, I MADE THAT UP TO FUCK WITH YOU) CTG: or maybe it was a guy who rejected you ?CG: FUCK OFF. CTG: haha wow bingo CTG: see how i look right now thats a poker face might want to take some notes ?CG: I SEE NOTHING BUT A COWARD BEHIND DARK EYEWEAR CLEARLY DESIGNED FOR WOMEN AND A PAIR OF IMPUDENT LIPS PURSED SO TIGHT IT'LL SOUND LIKE AIR SQUEALING OUT OF A BALLOON WHEN I PUNCH YOU IN THE GUT. CTG: oh god stop talking about my lips thats the second time CTG: ok youre clearly gay and youve probably got some issues about it dude CTG: john just a heads up in the future i think youre gonna spurn one of his awkward advances CEB: uh oh! ?CG: JOHN DON'T LISTEN TO THIS FUCKER, HE'S THE WORST GUY AT GIVING ADVICE I'VE EVER SEEN. CEB: yeah, i dunno dave, i have talked to karkat a lot and i really don't think he has a thing for me. ?CG: EXACTLY. JOHN ONCE AGAIN IS FLYING HIGH AS SMARTEST HUMAN. ?CG: AND JOHN, PURELY HYPOTHETICALLY, IF ONE OF US IN THE FUTURE DOES MAKE SOME SORT OF SOLICITATION YOU DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND... ?CG: BECAUSE OF PERHAPS SOME CULTURAL DIFFERENCES ?CG: I MEAN NO ONE IN PARTICULAR HERE ?CG: MAYBE TRY TO UNDERSTAND THAT PERSON MIGHT NOT BE THINKING TOO CLEARLY AT THAT MOMENT CEB: uh... ?CG: IT MIGHT BE THE CASE THAT THIS PERSON HAS GOTTEN TOO WRAPPED UP IN A SORT OF CALIGINOUS IDEAL ?CG: AND GET CARRIED AWAY, POSSIBLY SO MUCH SO THEY WERE BLIND TO HOW COMPLETELY FUCKED UP AND WEIRD IT WOULD BE TO PURSUE ANYTHING LIKE THAT WITH ANOTHER SPECIES ?CG: ESPECIALLY ONE THAT DIDN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF A CALIGINIOUS RELATIONSHIP CTG: what CTG: the fuck CTG: are you talking about ?CG: BUT I'M NOT THAT PERSON. I HAVE A FIRM GRASP ON HOW DERANGED AND UNNATURAL ANY SORT OF INTERSPECIES RELATIONSHIP WOULD BE, WHETHER CALIGINOUS OR CONCUPISCENT. ?CG: SO I ASK ?CG: NO I'M FUCKING BEGGING YOU BOTH ?CG: TO QUIT CHATTING UP THESE SHITHIVE BROADS AND LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE. CTG: thats obviously not gonna happen ?CG: FUCK. ?CG: LOOK. ?CG: ALRIGHT I ADMIT THIS ISN'T PURELY MAGNANIMOUS CONCERN FOR YOUR SAFETY HERE. ?CG: WE'RE ALL SORT OF COOKING UP A PLAN RIGHT NOW. ?CG: MY RIGHT NOW. ?CG: WHICH IF SUCCESSFUL, MAY, AND I DO STRESS MAY, END UP WITH ALL OF US MEETING FACE TO FACE. ?CG: AND WHAT I'D LIKE TO AVOID IF AT ALL POSSIBLE ?CG: IS TO HAVE THIS RENDEZVOUS INSTANTLY DETERIORATE INTO A LOT OF REVOLTING TROLL/HUMAN SLOPPY MAKEOUTS. ?CG: THAT WOULD JUST RUIN IT FOR ME, OK? ?CG: REALLY THE ONLY SCENARIO THAT I AM SURE WOULD CAUSE ME TO REGRET SUCCESS. GOT IT? CEB: er... CEB: do... CEB: you think that vriska is going to try to make out with me? ?CG: SHUT UP. ?CG: I'M NOT ANSWERING YOUR DUMB QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW MUCH SNOGGING YOU'RE IN FOR AND I'M NOT PLAYING INTERSPECIES MATCH MAKER HERE. ?CG: SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS? ?CG: I SHOULDN'T EVEN NEED TO BE SAYING THIS. ?CG: GOD DAMMIT, IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE YOU DON'T HAVE ACTUAL HUMAN FEMALES NEARBY FOR ACTUAL BIOLOGICALLY VIABLE MATESPRITSHIPS! ?CG: DO I HAVE TO DRAW YOU A DIAGRAM??? CEB: rose and jade? CEB: so, uh... CEB: you want us to like, date them? ?CG: WOULD IT REALLY FUCKING KILL YOU TO CONSIDER IT?????? ?CG: I MEAN GOD. WHAT DO YOU EVEN THINK YOU'RE DOING HERE IN THIS GAME? ?CG: YOU'RE CREATING YOUR OWN UNIVERSE TO GO LIVE IN. ?CG: AND JUST HOW DO YOU THINK YOUR SPECIES IS SUPPOSED TO REPOPULATE ITSELF??????????? IDIOTS. CTG: dude CTG: no CTG: just CTG: stop ?CG: OH OK, SO THE ALIEN HERE IS THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED WITH THE PROPAGATION OF YOUR SPECIES. ?CG: THAT MAKES A LOT OF FUCKING SENSE. WHY DON'T YOU WISE THE FUCK UP, COOLDOUCHE? CEB: i think he is right, i think we are all a little young to be thinking about that! ?CG: WELL NO SHIT, NOW YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY. ?CG: BUT WHAT ABOUT LATER? THINK ABOUT THE BIG PICTURE. ?CG: HOW DID HUMANITY GET AS FAR AS IT GOT BEING SO DUMB? CEB: um, also, CEB: we are kinda all related! sort of. through shared ghost slime genes. right? CEB: so, uh... ?CG: OH RIGHT, THE BIZARRE HUMAN ANATHEMA OF INCEST, I FORGOT. CTG: oh my fucking god CTG: please let this conversation not be taking place ?CG: OK WELL LET'S SAY THAT'S HYPOTHETICALLY A PROBLEM, EVEN THOUGH I'M RACKING MY BRAIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY IT WOULD BE. ?CG: I GUESS I WILL HAVE TO DRAW YOU A DIAGRAM, BECAUSE YOU ARE JUST THAT STUPID. ?CG: HERE ?CG: http://tinyurl.com/MATINGDIAGRAMFORMORONS CTG: ok youre by far the worst artist out of any of us CTG: and thats saying something ?CG: SHUT UP I DREW IT FAST ?CG: NOW ?CG: AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE, THERE ARE ONLY TWO SETS OF COMPATIBLE QUADRANTS HERE FOR LEGITIMATE CONCUPISCENT PAIRINGS. ?CG: DAVE AND ROSE ARE "RELATED" ?CG: JADE AND JOHN ARE "RELATED" ?CG: THAT ONLY LEAVES TWO PAIRS. ?CG: ONCE AGAIN, THE DECISIONS PERTAINING TO HUMAN ROMANCE REMAIN STUNNINGLY SIMPLE. ?CG: AND YET I STILL HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME. ?CG: NOW GO HASSLE YOUR FUTURE MATESPRITS AND LEAVE THE TROLL GIRLS ALONE. CTG: thx for the shipping grid bro imma drop everything and go have a baby with jade right now CTG: no peeking k CEB: wow, i have to marry rose? CEB: uh... CEB: wow. ?CG: AND NOW THAT I HAVE SAVED YOUR ENTIRE WORTHLESS SPECIES WITH MY IMPECCABLE ROMANCE BROKERING SKILLS ?CG: I WILL BID YOU A BITTER FUCKING FAREWELL. ?CG: JEGUS I AM SO TIRED. CTG: you should go back to sleep CTG: it was so much cooler when you were asleep and i basically never had to listen to you ever ?CG: I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP CEB: why not? ?CG: BECAUSE I'M TOO TIRED TO EXPLAIN WHY IS WHY. ?CG: YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT LATER. ?CG: MEMO OVER. ?CG: GET OUTTA HERE. ?CG banned CEB from responding to memo.
?CG banned CTG from responding to memo.
|SPRITELOG|
JOHN: nanna, what the heck!!! NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo! NANNASPRITE: John, you remind me so much of your father when he was your age. He was just as easily bested by this crafty old prankstress! JOHN: really? NANNASPRITE: Yes. It would be many years before he would take the gambit in an exchange with your nanna. JOHN: but nanna, did you know he is not really my dad? and also, i am not technically your grandson. JOHN: you are actually sort of my mother. NANNASPRITE: Of course I knew this, John! I have known for many years. NANNASPRITE: I have also known that in a sense, you are my father as well. You were the one to push all those buttons, after all! JOHN: huh, oh yeah. JOHN: don't you find it all a little strange? NANNASPRITE: John, I am the ghost of an old lady with one arm who is dressed like a clown. Why would that seem strange to me? JOHN: heheh. JOHN: so where have you been, nanna? i have been looking all over for you. NANNASPRITE: I have been looking for you too, dear!
|SPRITELOG|
JOHN: you have? NANNASPRITE: Yes! It seems you have been rising through the rungs of your echeladder quite swiftly. JOHN: yeah! JOHN: now i am an ectobiolo... JOHN: ectobiblio... shit! JOHN: (oops! sorry.) JOHN: ectobioblobabby sitter. JOHN: damn it, you know what i mean. NANNASPRITE: Yes, that is quite high. You have climbed so much faster than I did in my youth. I am so proud of you! JOHN: thanks! NANNASPRITE: You should have returned sooner! I could have given you this boon at a much lower rung. JOHN: boon? NANNASPRITE: Here, John. Take this.
|SPRITELOG|
JOHN: ok. what is it? NANNASPRITE: You can use it to summon me wherever you go. NANNASPRITE: Now we needn't endure those long spells without a good visit! JOHN: oh cool, that is great! NANNASPRITE: And now, the most important question of all. NANNASPRITE: When was the last time you have eaten anything, young man?? JOHN: hmm, i guess it has been a good while! JOHN: i've been snacking on gushers a whole lot. bluh... JOHN: i never realized how terrible they were, actually.
|SPRITELOG|
NANNASPRITE: That is completely unacceptable. NANNASPRITE: I will prepare you a healthy home cooked meal while you relax in your ghost bed and rescue your paradox sister. JOHN: oh boy! NANNASPRITE: What would you like? Name what your heart desires. I will use my spooky ghost powers to make it. JOHN: wow, hmm... NANNASPRITE: Why, John! Do you hear that sound? JOHN: uh... no? NANNASPRITE: It sounds as if your meal is nearly finished! JOHN: really? already? NANNASPRITE: BZZZZZ!
|PESTERLOG|
-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
CA: wwho are you tryin to convvince wwith this ludicrous poppycock TT: ? CA: magic is NOT REAL CA: wwhatevver youre doin its not real its somethin else outright entirely CA: its fancy and impressivve and all but its not the fuckin figmental storybook claptrap you wwanna make out like it is CA: so howw about you get off your high skyhorse TT: Why do you keep addressing me as if I'm some sort of spokesperson for the reality of magic? TT: You can't needle me into a defensive posture on the subject. I just don't care. CA: youre not usin magic just DEAL WW IT TT: Fine. You win. TT: These are science wands. I am a charlatan. CA: ok i didnt say that CA: i think you wwear the role pretty wwell wwhich is somethin i can appreciate CA: theres a lot of showwmanship thats put in to comin off as a diabolical sort TT: Thanks for the insinuation that I'm making an effort to project myself as a cartoon villain. What a compliment! CA: wwell fine you dont havve to behavve vvillainous if youre bent up on actin against the grain a your nobility or somesuch CA: i can play that role its not like i evver didnt get my gils dirty before TT: Nobility? What are you talking about? CA: wwell arent you TT: No. What gave you that idea? CA: the wway you CA: ok CA: i had a misconclusion about that so my fault CA: obvviously you got rich blood so maybe when you crash landed you wwerent recognized for it by wwhatevver vvehicle upholds the class structure in human society TT: That is exactly what happened. You figured it out. CA: must of been fuckin brutal raisin up a commonblood wwhen you knew you wwere better than evverybody and its probably got you all messed up inside but maybe theres hope for you CA: see i got a lot a experience bein nobility so ill let you knoww if you got a shot in hell at cuttin it pinkscarf TT: ... CA: fakemage pinkscarf howw does that sound TT: You're a complete idiot. CA: see this is good i think this could be a good thing TT: What? CA: this thing wwe got goin CA: you obvviously hate me and i think i got it in me to get the dark propensities smolderin CA: and wwere both obvviously dangerous elites in nature CA: i think theres somethin there i mean look at howw you evven came into the wworld TT: And how was that? CA: killed a fuckin fuck ton of marine life accidental CA: doin thats all i evver done practically the ocean wwas my killin cauldron TT: Accidentally? TT: Or on porpoise? CA: hahahahaha see youre good wwith fish puns too i got so many a those you havve no idea CA: i just think theres a fate thing here CA: i mean i dont mean to strike you as too forwwardsuch but are you seein wwhere im goin wwith this TT: Oh, right. Alien romance, I forgot. TT: Pass. CA: look i understand you dont understand that kind of thing in your culture i get that CA: but maybe i could teach you to get it TT: That's really sweet of you to offer. CA: yeah and in return maybe you could teach me howw to bullshit magic like that TT: You want to learn magic? CA: yes teach me your secrets wwitch TT: Sure. Let's begin. TT: Consider this your first lesson in showmanship.
|PESTERLOG|
-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
AA: what d0 y0u think y0ure d0ing! AA: just st0p AA: st0p st0p st0p st0p st0p st0p AA: maybe if i say st0p en0ugh s0mething else will happen instead 0f the thing that d0es TT: Hi. AA: y0u arent g0ing t0 st0p are y0u TT: Do you want me to stop using magic too? AA: n0 i d0nt care ab0ut that AA: its y0ur quest t0 tear y0ur sessi0n apart AA: i kn0w its exciting AA: breaking stuff AA: and n0t w0rrying ab0ut it AA: but there are c0nsequences t0 hum0ring y0ur destructive impulses AA: and c0nsequences t0 f0ll0wing TT: ? AA: what they say TT: Who? AA: y0u kn0w wh0 TT: You sound frustrated. TT: Like you know you can't change my mind. TT: I presume your future footage of me has already verified this? AA: i d0nt even need t0 watch y0ur future acti0ns t0 kn0w this AA: the kn0wing is the same as this elusive feeling 0f sickness thats been with me f0r years AA: pr0bably since bef0re i died c0me t0 think 0f it AA: it was always a big setup TT: You died? TT: Revived via dream self, I take it? AA: n0 AA: i never had 0ne AA: s0rt 0f a special case here TT: Hmm. AA: i just wish AA: back when i was behaving recklessly AA: i had s0me0ne t0 tell me t0 st0p listening AA: even if i ended up ign0ring their advice AA: it w0uld have been nice TT: What did they tell you? AA: i was assured i w0uld be saving my race AA: which is maybe still true i d0nt kn0w AA: but if it is then it will be the punchline t0 the vast j0ke TT: Is that anything like the ultimate riddle? AA: y0u really d0nt understand anything yet d0 y0u AA: and yet y0u bug and fuss and meddle AA: with things m0re danger0us than y0u can imagine
|PESTERLOG|
AA: what d0 y0u want with the s0urce 0f the first guardians AA: what g00d d0 y0u really think c0uld c0me 0f it TT: Do you know about it? TT: The sun? AA: y0u cant p0ssibly wield its energy 0r put it t0 c0nstructive use TT: That isn't exactly my plan. AA: y0u w0nt find it either AA: its imp0ssible TT: How do you know that? TT: Could you please share your information with me? AA: n0! AA: y0u still havent gathered that y0ure the pr0blem AA: im thr0ugh with c0nsci0usly c0ntributing t0 inevitable 0utc0mes TT: Well, TT: Aren't you doing that regardless? Right now? AA: 0bvi0usly AA: but im just talking AA: maybe the things i say will indirectly trigger y0ur critical acti0ns AA: maybe n0t wh0 kn0ws AA: maybe!!! AA: maybe if i behave in a manner s0 rand0m AA: parad0x space w0nt kn0w h0w t0 handle it! AA: blah BL00P blee BLUH!@#$%^&*()_+ AA: didnt see that 0ne c0ming did y0u pspace??? + ?*rand(413^612) AA: oh look and now i suddenly refuse to type zeroes in my sentences AA: isnt that crazy! who thought that was even a possibility AA: bslick never would have imagined THAT little vestibule of probability was tucked somewhere in his huge glistening blow sack AA: ribbit ribbit ribbit AA: WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT AA: I JUST CONTROLLED THE RIBBITS AND I DID IT DELIBERATELY TT: O_O AA: hahaha! AA: 0h w0w im sure y0u were just being faceti0us with that but y0u have n0 idea h0w funny that is right n0w AA: y0u had n0 way 0f kn0wing thats a thing i d0 all the time but with zer0es AA: this is great AA: i think im 0n t0 s0mething here AA: maybe if i dig deep en0ugh int0 my circuitry and rer0ute all 0f my reserve p0wer thr0ugh my quantum based rand0m number generat0r i can pr0duce behavi0r s0 c0mpletely 0ff the wall that parad0x space will have n0 ch0ice but t0 change everything! TT: You have circuitry? AA: maybe i will also rig my p0wer s0urce t0 the 0utc0me 0f the functi0n and rand0mly bl0w myself up! AA: that w0uld be just AA: really AA: really AA: really*rand(rand(rand(rand(rand(0M)*0M)*0M)*0M)*0M) where 0M = s0me number drawn quite at rand0m fr0m 0ne 0f y0ur absurd human hats AA: !~M~0~D~N~A~R AA: g00dbye r0se AA: enj0y y0ur rampant indiscreti0ns AA: talk t0 y0u later assuming i havent rand0mly bl0wn myself up! TT: Wait, don't go! TT: You were actually interesting.
Of course you were just venting about all that. Why would you blow yourself up on account of that silly conversation? What rational reason could you possibly have to blow yourself up, or explode from any cause for that matter, now or at any point in the near future?
|PESTERLOG|
-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
AC: :33 < pst :oo TT: Yes? AC: :33 < heyyyyyyyyyy TT: Why, what ever could you want? AC: :33 < ummmmmmmmmm TT: What could it be? I am completely confounded. AC: :33 < sorry to bother you again! AC: :33 < is AC: :33 < um TT: Is what? AC: :33 < he available? TT: Who? TT: What is the name of this mystery fellow you seek? AC: :33 < aaaaa youre just teasing me now! AC: :33 < i f33l bad about bugging you about it AC: :33 < but do you think you could purrhaps please spare your computer for just the most fl33ting of moments? AC: :33 < i miss pounce a lot :(( AC: :33 < and talking to him reminds me of her AC: :33 < sorry for the hassle TT: It's ok. I understand. TT: I think I have a more permanent solution. TT: I mean purrmanent. AC: :33 < yay! :OO
|SPRITELOG|
ROSE: Hi Jaspers. JASPERSPRITE: Hi rose! JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr purr. ROSE: Jaspers, I am releasing you now. ROSE: You are free to go do as you please. JASPERSPRITE: Really rose ok if thats what you want i will go do that. JASPERSPRITE: Oh rose! JASPERSPRITE: Rose did you get to do any of the things that are important to your quest that i said? JASPERSPRITE: Did you learn to play the rain rose? ROSE: Not yet, Jaspers. ROSE: It's a little complicated, but I believe I've embarked on another quest, one which surpasses the scope of the objectives local to this planet. JASPERSPRITE: Meow what :3 ROSE: I'm saying there's something more important to accomplish now. Something more important than creating a universe. JASPERSPRITE: Oh thats ok rose i wouldnt want you to feel obligated to do that. JASPERSPRITE: I think that winning this game and getting the prize is up to you and your friends. JASPERSPRITE: You get to decide whether or not you feel its right to do that and what kind of prize you want to make! JASPERSPRITE: Its part of becoming who youre supposed to become i think. JASPERSPRITE: But i really think you should consider going on the quest i said anyway! ROSE: Why? JASPERSPRITE: Because its not just an important thing to do to win the game. JASPERSPRITE: I dont know i hope im not being too pushy rose its not my place to be im just your cat! JASPERSPRITE: But the thing that made me how i am now seems to really want me to say this to you. JASPERSPRITE: Your quest is really important for you to do. JASPERSPRITE: Not really because thats how to get the prize. JASPERSPRITE: But because its what you need to do for yourself! ROSE: I see. I promise I will consider it seriously then. JASPERSPRITE: Oh good! JASPERSPRITE: I love you rose! I always have even when you were a little girl and i was an alive cat. ROSE: Thanks, Jaspers, that's nice to hear. ROSE: It's hard to remember, but I'm pretty sure I felt the same way back then. JASPERSPRITE: It was fun getting to be your cat again rose even if it was just for a little while and also while being a princess ghost. JASPERSPRITE: Bye rose! ROSE: See you, Jaspers! ROSE: If you see my mother in the course of your travels, tell her I said hello. JASPERSPRITE: Ok I will do that! :3
|PESTERLOG|
-- terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --
TC: AlRiGhT My pInKeSt oF MoThErFuCkIn sTaR MoNkEyS TC: ArE YoU ReAdY TC: To gEt tHe hOrNs yOu dOnT HaVe TC: CoNfIsCaTeD AlL LiKe tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN HoNkTrAbAnD ThEy aRe TC: BeInG AlL IlLiCiT As tHe vAsT JoKe iTsElF TC: AnD ThEn TC: HaNdEd aT RiGhT BaCk tO YoU? TG: what TC: HaHa, SeE BrO, tHiS Is hOw i rOlL TC: I SuPpLy tHe hOrNs tOwArD YoU, mEtApHoRiCaLlY SpEaKiNg TC: SeE, lIkE TC: ThAt's kInD Of a tRoLl mEtApHoR TC: YoU GeTtInG YoUr hOrNs aLl hAnDeD To yOu, If yOu pEePs aNaToMiCaLlY WeRe sUcH To bE LiKe tHaT TC: DoInG ThAt's tO MeAn lIkE YoU GoT MoThErFuCkIn sAsSeD OuT TC: As iN TrOlLeD TC: BuT BrO WhEn i tElL ThAt nOiSe aT YoU TC: Im lIkE DoInG TC: A DoUbLe mEtApHoR AlL ThE WaY TC: AcRoSs sKaIa :o) TC: BeCaUsE My hOrNs iM AlL AbOuT ArE ThEsE FuNnY HoNk hOrNs InStEaD oF hEaD hOrNs TC: LiKe wHaT DoEs cLoWnS UsE TC: AnD WhEn i'm aLl tO InViTe yOu tO GeT A LiTtLe mOtHeRfUcKiN SqUeEzE On TC: It'lL Be a dOwNeD In, StRaIgHt fLaT, bOaRd sIdEd mIrAcLe iF YoU DoN'T GeT ScArEd sHiTtEnT ClOwNcArS TC: ThAt's hOw wE PlAy tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN GaMe TC: HoNk hOnK >:o) TG: oh god thats right TG: you were the best troll TG: i remember now TC: WhOa, I WaS? TG: yeah TG: i mean TG: in the most ironic and hilarious ways possible TG: but that really shouldnt even need to be said TC: ShIt, I MuSt hAvE GoT To nOt rEmEmBeRiNg tHiS SoMeHoW TG: it was months ago for me TG: you did your bizarrely oblivious juggalo thing TG: then bitched and moaned at me for ruining your religion or some horseshit TG: like i guess a weird crisis in faith i dunno TG: and then TG: you kinda got over that i guess TG: and we both proceeded to have one of the best rap-offs in the history of paradox space TG: remember TC: AwW MoThErFuCk, No :o( TC: I MoSt sUrElY wOuLd gEt mY ReMeMbEr oN FoR A BiTcHtItS TiMe hAd lIkE ThAt TC: My mInD'S NoT ThAt sHaRp nOw tHoUgH, iT'S BeEn aGeS SiNcE I HaD A GoOd pIe TG: could be time shit TG: you might not have had the conversation yet TC: DoGg, I DoN'T KnOw tHaT Im aT A PlAcE To eVeN CoNtEmPlAtE FoR EnTeRtAiNiNg tHaT KiNd oF ThInG TC: I DoN'T GeT TiMe TC: I WaSn't tHe dUdE Of tImE TC: I WaS ThE TC: ThE MoThErFuCkIn TC: BaRd oF TC: FuCk TC: I FoRgOt :o( TG: do you remember if you watched any videos TG: from earth TG: that i might have sent TC: nO TG: dude i was telling you TG: youve got to check this out TG: trust me itll lift your spirits shit will all make sense to you finally TG: youll finally figure out who you are and why you worship all this ridiculous clown bullshit TC: Oh, MaN TC: ThIs sOuNdS AmAzInG, i cAn't sEe hOw i wOuLdN'T Be aLl kIcKiNg tHe wIcKeD ShIt oUt Of sUcH KiNdS Of oPpOrTuNiTiEs TG: and also why your planet has faygo for some baffling reason TG: actually no nevermind it doesnt explain that TG: that still makes no damn sense TG: but like TG: the thing youre looking for TG: your dark clownish salvation or whatever the fuck TG: your mirthful messiahs TG: ahahahaha i cant even type that without lmao TG: anyway theyre here dude TG: check it out TG: http://tinyurl.com/MoThErFuCkInMiRaClEs TC: :oO
|PESTERLOG|
-- centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --
CT: D --> I'm attempting to determine what it is that ranks humans in their class stru%ure CT: D --> I'd assumed the color of your b100d would serve as the basis for placement in the hierarchy, as would be e%pected and natural, but I was mistaken CT: D --> I was similarly in error believing the color of what you type corresponds with the color of your b100d TG: it does bro TG: my bloods red CT: D --> Well, obviously CT: D --> I understand that now, I'm not a f001 TG: on earth class is sorted out by who can drop the most delirious flow CT: D --> I see CT: D --> So, in other words, a sort of b100d letting ritual CT: D --> To assess whose pulse is steadiest and thus whose flow is the most STRONG TG: no TG: well yeah TG: verbal pulse TG: rap battles TG: the kings of wordtech ascend to godhood and look down on us patriarchally like urban watermarks in the sky TG: this is like TG: our religion man TG: its fucking serious business its like what our whole culture revolves around CT: D --> Really CT: D --> So your social e%elons are dictated by the noble artform of the ancient slam poets CT: D --> Or the Earth equivalent TG: yeah well TG: used to be dictated TG: til the rapocalypse happened TG: i still believe though TG: in my heart so long as it keeps thumping the righteous beat TG: subwoofing out devotion every which way TG: that he will come TG: our savior TG: was foretold hed come after meteors show up to drop it like its hot TG: and hed gather up the ashes of our civilization and lift it like its heavy TG: fuck im tearing up my ishades are gonna fry CT: D --> I believe CT: D --> That this is probably nonsense CT: D --> I've already been hornswoggled repeatedly by your comrades, who I quite reasonably mistook for your superiors in b100dline CT: D --> Your race makes a habit of deception, and I will not tolerate it CT: D --> You will stop CT: D --> I command that all verbal misdire%ion and hoofbeastplay will cease during my communications, is that understood TG: hahahahaha TG: douche CT: D --> Did I say something entertaining TG: if youre gonna spit that kind of bravado at me im just saying put it in rhyme TG: lets hear what you got tooly mcsnoothole CT: D --> I try to stay engaged with many aristocratic practices CT: D --> But I'm not much of a poet TG: come on CT: D --> My poems are private TG: whatever dude TG: deprivatize them CT: D --> If you're prepared to be particularly forceful about it CT: D --> I may be suitably disgusted to comply TG: just TG: take whatevers in there TG: that brorage lust youre feelin TG: turn that bitch inside out like a broke ass millionaires pockets CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> Those are the sorts of assertive statements which could get me CT: D --> Flowing TG: alright TG: weird but alright TG: you sound wound up TG: but my gears are airtight TG: steer clear a the seer and the knight if youre scared of unfair fights TG: youll drop like the staircase impaired, seein em spareds a fair fuckin rare sight TG: for poor eyes like that millionaire whos pockets i mocked earlier TG: hes paradoxically me but richer and surlier TG: broke as his sword before his stock picks skyrocketed TG: worth more than all the chests lockpicked and gold croc bricks and boonbucks i pickpocketed TG: fillin folios with millions im milkin to pad out my pockets TG: more chock full than sad trollian villains cloggin my blocklist TG: so thoughtful to popul- TG: -ate my slate with propositions to copulate to a spate of hemoerotic hotpix TG: which i posit you got shit of that nature in spades TG: as my shades got you locked in TG: spyin a guy whos eyed more cocks and dicks than i got clocks and they got ticks CT: D --> Just a thought. Let's mock a topic with less awfulness CT: D --> If you'd use the e%cuse to be less culturally myopic, what are your views on abuse to the walking apocrypha CT: D --> Would you choose if duly cued to put your bruising clop to a flock of naughty roboti% TG: ahaha wow YES TG: dont really understand that but yes TG: ok hold that thought im gonna pull this fuckin sword out of the thing
|PESTERLOG|
CT: D --> Perhaps it's that it's martial tacti% that matter for status. Unless you redact this CT: D --> I'd hazard in practice that it's a glass of what's lactic that would impact this CT: D --> Pragmatic to presume? A human metric for grandness stands on fondness in honest CT: D --> For wanton aplomb with strapping song smithing, ripping sonnets of STRONGNESS TG: yes TG: still no clue what this shit means but keep going CT: D --> But perhaps CT: D --> To divine class divides in unclassified swine is butchering time CT: D --> Your fauna I find requires too little strength to savage in rhyme CT: D --> I fear inferiors have monopolized my highest priorities CT: D --> Let's eschew crude inferiors, pursue nude superiorities CT: D --> Review z001ogical peculiarities, great stalking enormities CT: D --> Fle%ing in unison, baying at moons within fraternal sororities TG: holy shit TG: what CT: D --> Great musclebeasts tussle, bu%om in heft CT: D --> With thunderous muscle, buttock to spec TG: what the fuck CT: D --> Connect blows to discover, how invincible pecs are CT: D --> Venture low to uncover, his inimitable nectar TG: oh god TG: ok stop CT: D --> Should song serve to placate one CT: D --> And fortune holds he lactate some CT: D --> STRONG hands tugging teat make great ambrosia collectors TG: hahaha TG: jesus TG: ok maybe youre actually the worst troll TG: im thinking none of that was actually ironic that was all pretty straightup wasnt it CT: D --> What do you mean CT: D --> Are you ordering me to conceal my poems again TG: nevermind TG: god dammit TG: fuckin piece of shit sword TG: wont goddamn budge probably useless anyway CT: D --> It 100ks to be a legendary weapon TG: its a legendary piece of shit
|PESTERLOG|
CT: D --> Giving up on the treasure so easily CT: D --> It strikes me as an artifact rooted in universal lore of nobility CT: D --> As valuable an asset as strength is CT: D --> And as much as anyone with his wits is fond of being STRONG CT: D --> Such weapons require finesse to operate CT: D --> And surely in this case, to retrieve without damaging CT: D --> Hence your no doubt frustrating restraint TG: ok im kinda starting to wonder why youre bugging me now TG: youre a fuckin creepy dude CT: D --> E%cessive force will shatter such weapons CT: D --> We both know this from e%perience TG: what CT: D --> The adult human who trained you CT: D --> And taught you the ways of being STRONG CT: D --> Remember TG: you mean the guy who spent years beating my ass down with a puppet TG: yeah i remember CT: D --> Yes, and now, being learned in the ways of STRONGNESS CT: D --> You like myself are unfortunately limited in the weaponry you may wield CT: D --> Ironically the training which has ennobled you beyond others has made instruments of high b100d brittle in your hands CT: D --> Hence the state of your favored weapon, hobbling your specibus CT: D --> I know what this is like TG: man TG: im not that strong ok TG: just cause i broke a cheap ass sword doesnt make me the fucking hulk CT: D --> Oh TG: what did you go around breaking a bunch of swords too CT: D --> No CT: D --> Bows TG: how the fuck do you even wield a broken bow TG: did you go around clubbing shit with the two halves CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> Sometimes
|PESTERLOG|
CT: D --> What are you doing TG: whats it look like CT: D --> Careful CT: D --> About succumbing to these sorts of destructive CT: D --> Urges CT: D --> Addi%ion is a powerful thing TG: so am i TG: bow down before your new king bitch
|PESTERLOG|
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --
GC: D4V3 GR34T N3WS! GC: 1 FOUND 4 DR4W1NG T4BL3T GC: DO YOU KNOW WH4T TH4T M34NS D4V3? GC: DO YOU KNOW WH4T 1T M34NS W3 C4N G3T? TG: please dont say this party started please dont say this party started GC: TH1S GC: P4RTY GC: ST4RT3D!!!!! >8D TG: god everything is about parties with you GC: D4V3 TH3R3 1S NOTH1NG 3V3N CLOS3 TO B31NG B3TT3R TH4N P4RT13S, COM3 ON TG: ok TG: lets see some fine art then GC: WHY 1T JUST SO H4PP3NS TH4T 1 H4V3 4 FR3SH M4ST3RP13C3 FOR YOU GC: HOT OFF TH3 C4NV4S GC: 4ND ON TO YOUR COMPUT3R GL4SS3S GC: WH3R3 1T W1LL S1ZZL3 YOUR 3Y3B4LLS GC: TSSSSSSSSSSSSSS http://tinyurl.com/D4V3XD4V3 TG: ok that TG: is every bit as shitty as all your other drawings GC: SHUT UP! GC: 1 4M ST1LL SORT OF G3TT1NG TH3 H4NG OF TH1S TH1NG GC: 1 W1LL G3T B3TT3R >:P TG: i like it though you dont gotta improve TG: art skills are overrated GC: TH4NKS D4V3 TG: its kind of weird though what the hell is actually going on here TG: does this mean something GC: Y3S GC: 1T 1S TH3 COM1C R3PR3S3NT4T1ON OF TH3 N3XT L3G OF YOUR WOND3RFUL JOURN3Y GC: YOU KNOW, TH3 ON3 TH4T 1 4M H3LP1NG YOU W1TH 3V3RY ST3P OF TH3 W4Y >:] TG: yeah TG: but TG: why GC: 1 4LR34DY 3XPL41N3D TH1S TO YOU D4V3 GC: TH3 COOLK1D H4S TO B3 TH3 B3ST, 4ND 1 H4V3 TO M4K3 H1M TH3 B3ST TG: alright but TG: i mean even if that made sense which it kind of doesnt TG: karkat was saying how it was all a game and youre just flirtin and stuff TG: and that we should quit it because he doesnt want you in my grill or me in yours or whatever GC: OH, 1S TH4T WH4T H3 S41D??? GC: HMM 1 WOND3R 1F H3 COULD R33K OF J34LOUSY 4NY MOR3 PUNG3NTLY TG: well yeah thats what i thought too TG: and really if we got no other reason keep rolling with it at least theres that one TG: to piss him off GC: W3LL WH4T DO YOU TH1NK D4V3 GC: 4M 1 1N YOUR HUM4N GR1LL? TG: im not saying i know for sure but it seems to me like TG: my grill is your goddamn prison TG: you are practically incarcerated in that fucker TG: doing hard time on a bed of charcoal and lighterfluid TG: privy to what i flame broil from below TG: what im sayin is you got a front row seat to the brown side of my burger TG: hows it smell btw GC: 1T SM3LLS L1K3 D3L1C1OUS BURN1NG 4N1M4LS TG: yeah i thought so TG: so is that whats going on GC: WH4T? TG: is this some weird game involving flirtation and assassinations or whatever GC: OH, 1 DONT KNOW GC: M444444YB3... GC: SH33SH! GC: YOU 4ND H1M 4R3 4L1K3 1N SOM3 W4YS GC: R34LLY BLUNT 4ND L1T3R4L M1ND3D GC: 4ND QU1T3 FR4NKLY JUST 4 L1TTL3 B1T T4CTL3SS WH3N 1T COM3S TO M4N4G1NG TH3 L4D13S! GC: H3 4LW4YS H4D TO KNOW 3X4CTLY WH4T TH3 D34L W4S 4ND 3X4CTLY WH4T MY MOT1V4T1ONS W3R3 4ND WH4T 3V3RYTH1NG M34NT 4ND BLUH BLUH BLUH GC: 1T T4K3S TH3 FUN OUT OF 3V3RYTH1NG! TG: thats pretty much the most insulting thing possible to say im anything like that raving gulf of shit GC: W3LL OK 1M SORT OF 3X4GG3R4T1NG GC: BUT R34LLY GC: SOM3 S1M1L4R1T13S 4R3 TH3R3 GC: 1TS JUST YOUR 1SSU3S 4R3 GC: COOL3R >:] GC: L3SS R1D1CULOUS 4ND TR4G1C TG: issues TG: what are you talking about GC: W3LL, FOR 1NST4NC3 GC: K4RK4T W4S 4LW4YS TORM3NT3D BY H1S P4ST 4ND FUTUR3 S3LV3S GC: 4ND TH31R M1ST4K3S GC: L1T3R4LLY TORM3NT3D BY TH3M 1N TH3S3 4BSURD SCH1ZOPHR3N1C M3MOS GC: 1T W4S 1D34L FU3L FOR H1S S3LF LO4TH1NG GC: H3 B3C4M3 OBS3SS3D W1TH H1MS3LF 4S 4N 3LUS1V3 4DV3RS4RY GC: R4TH3R TH4N JUST B31NG H1MS3LF 1N TH3 MOM3NT 4ND R34L1Z1NG WHO H3 W4S SUPPOS3D TO B3 GC: 4ND W4K1NG UP >:[ TG: wow ok what does that have to do with me GC: NOTH1NG 1N 4 L1T3R4L S3NS3 GC: BUT 1 H4V3 OBS3RV3D YOU D4V3 GC: YOU 4R3 4LW4YS G3TT1NG B41L3D OUT OF J4MS GC: 4T F1RST BY YOUR BRO GC: 4ND TH3N BY YOUR OWN FUTUR3 S3LV3S! GC: 3V3N FUTUR3 D4V3SPR1T3 G3TS 1N ON TH3 4CT OF SHOW1NG UP POOR OLD PR3S3NT D4V3 GC: WH3N DO3S PR3S3NT D4V3 G3T TO ST3P OUT OF TH3 SH4DOW OF 4LL THOS3 FUTUR3 D4V3S?? GC: WH3N DO3S H3 G3T TO B3 TH3 H3RO, TH4T'S WH4T 1 W4NT TO KNOW >:D TG: i dunno i guess maybe when i become future me GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4 GC: TH4T 1S 3X4CTLY WH4T K4RK4T US3D TO S4Y GC: 1T W4S 4LW4YS TH3 4NSW3R TG: fuck who cares TG: like i even give a shit about being a hero whatever that even means TG: im not seeing the problem here future me is awesome he can bail me out if he wants GC: Y3S, 3X4CTLY! GC: B3C4US3 YOU 4R3 COOL 4BOUT YOUR PROBL3M GC: 1NST34D OF 4CT1NG L1K3 4 S1LLY L1TTL3 PUP4 GC: BUT DONT WORRY, ON3 D4Y YOU W1LL G3T TO T4K3 YOUR TURN 4S H3RO! GC: 4ND ON3 D4Y GC: YOU W1LL T4K3 OFF THOS3 DUMB GL4SS3S 4ND L3T M3 G3T 4NOTH3R SN1FF 4T YOUR 3Y3S TG: not gonna happen GC: COM3 ON! GC: 1 ONLY GOT ON3 L1TTL3 WH1FF 4T TH3M GC: WH3N YOU W3R3 4 T1NY P1NK W1GGL3R W1TH 4RMS 4ND L3GS S1TT1NG 1N 4 CR4T3R ON TH4T S4D HORS3 YOU 4T3 GC: TH3Y W3R3 PR3TTY! GC: 1T 1S SO S3LF1SH OF YOU TO K33P TH3M COV3R3D UP GC: 4ND TH3 L4M3 S3CR3CY SURROUND1NG 1T 1S ONC3 4G41N R3M1ND1NG M3 OF 4 C3RT41N YOU KNOW WHO >:| TG: hey look at this change of subject going down TG: about this comic TG: are you saying im about to fall asleep GC: Y3S
|PESTERLOG|
TG: why GC: 1 DO NOT KNOW GC: M4YB3 YOU 4R3 R34LLY T1R3D! GC: YOU DROP SUDD3NLY 4ND SW1FTLY, L1K3 4N 3X3CUT3D F3LON F4C1NG N4PPY JUST1C3 TG: i dont feel tired TG: could be rose waking me up again TG: bonkin me with yarn or some shit GC: OH? TG: can you see in my dreams GC: NO >:[ TG: too bad TG: last time i promised rose id take off my shades and look in the sky for some reason TG: youre gonna miss a hell of a show GC: BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH >XO GC: MOST 4WFUL COOLK1D!!!!! TG: so i guess i have to summon davesprite too GC: Y3S TG: whys that GC: WHY DO YOU TH1NK! GC: TO B41L YOUR STUBBORN SP3CT4CL3D BUTT OUT OF TROUBL3 4G41N TG: huh TG: ok GC: WH3N YOU 4R3 4SL33P, SOON 4 HORD3 OF V3RY POW3RFUL MONST3RS W1LL 3M3RG3 FROM TH3 RU1NS GC: TO D3F3ND TH3 TR34SUR3 YOU H4V3 STOL3N GC: OR D1D YOU TH1NK YOU W3R3 GO1NG TO W4LTZ OUT OF H3R3 W1TH TH4T COOL L3G3ND4RY SWORD 4ND F4C3 NO CONS3QU3NC3S? TG: yeah kinda TG: didnt think this useless horseshit was boss grade loot to be honest GC: W3LL 1T 1S! GC: NOW R3L34S3 M1ST3R OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S, ST4T GC: 4ND H4V3 DR34MS 4S SW33T 4S H3 T4ST3S >:] TG: ok see ya
|SPRITELOG|
DAVESPRITE: oh looks like you got caledfwlch DAVESPRITE: you found that pretty fast DAVE: is that how you pronounce that DAVESPRITE: yeah i guess so DAVESPRITE: i think its welsh DAVE: what are welsh things doing in this game DAVESPRITE: thats an awesome question DAVE: fuck yeah it is DAVE: is this thing as pointless as i think it is or do i need it for something DAVESPRITE: tactically yeah its a downgrade since its what i used to make caledscratch which is obviously way better DAVE: yeah thats what i figured DAVESPRITE: caledscratch cycles the sword through its own timeline to points when its broken or nonbroken or old and rusted or recently forged etc DAVESPRITE: and your snoop snowcone swords probably even better than that so yeah you got options DAVE: fuck it ill just power through the rest of the game with the SORD..... DAVESPRITE: hahahaha DAVESPRITE: with unreal air as a mount fit for a true artifact knight DAVE: yeah DAVE: goddamn jpeg hero DAVE: right here DAVESPRITE: did that shit ever land or what DAVE: dude its long gone DAVE: up in skaia now or something DAVE: thrashing ill grinds on clouds DAVESPRITE: fuck DAVESPRITE: top priority make more DAVESPRITE: thats an order from your celestial fuckin spirit guide DAVE: yeah you got it DAVE: so why wasnt this legendary pos in the sylladex you gave me DAVE: did you chuck it after you alchemized it DAVE: should i just chuck it too DAVESPRITE: it was stolen DAVESPRITE: by one of hephaestus's minions DAVE: hes the denizen right DAVESPRITE: yeah lord of the forge DAVE: isnt that like a greek god DAVE: or roman or whatever DAVE: what is greco roman shit doing in here you know what never mind DAVESPRITE: yeah pretty much DAVESPRITE: anyway he gets pissed off you broke it DAVESPRITE: and he wants it back DAVESPRITE: to do something important with it though not really sure what DAVESPRITE: hes a pretty ornery dude DAVESPRITE: kept raving about how he was waiting for the forge to come DAVESPRITE: which he needs to complete his work DAVESPRITE: but in my timeline the forge would never come DAVESPRITE: so he was extra pissed off DAVE: whats the forge DAVESPRITE: volcano DAVE: huh DAVE: you mean jades volcano DAVESPRITE: yup DAVE: so do you know this stuff cause youre from the future or cause youre a sprite DAVESPRITE: both DAVESPRITE: theres all sorts of stuff i suddenly knew about the game when i became this orange feathery asshole DAVE: so now youre like DAVE: a wise feathery asshole DAVESPRITE: i am fuckin filthy with wisdom its sick DAVESPRITE: i mostly know stuff about your personal quest DAVESPRITE: what used to be my quest but i guess i got to deal with not being alpha dave no more DAVE: yeah i guess DAVESPRITE: shrug DAVESPRITE: its all good DAVESPRITE: anyway that sword DAVESPRITE: its important to getting your shit figured out DAVESPRITE: you were supposed to break it to get it out of the thing DAVESPRITE: like another personal sort of mythological milestone you were supposed to clear DAVE: really DAVE: there was no other way to get it out DAVE: thats kind of retarded DAVESPRITE: well i dont know DAVESPRITE: maybe if john was to try with his pure heart and shit it woulda popped out like a champagne cork and fuckin hero confetti woulda blasted him in the face DAVESPRITE: but you DAVESPRITE: we DAVESPRITE: we had to break it DAVE: ok DAVESPRITE: theres a lot more i know about your quest DAVESPRITE: all tangled up in ridiculous riddles and bullshit enigmas DAVESPRITE: and maybe its all a moot point anyway in this timeline who knows DAVESPRITE: but i think ill spare you all that crap DAVESPRITE: cause its kind of boring DAVESPRITE: and youll find out anyway DAVE: yeah DAVE: that sounds about like something id do if i were you DAVE: which i am DAVE: so hey DAVE: apparently im about to fall asleep
|SPRITELOG|
DAVESPRITE: oh yeah why DAVESPRITE: rose beckoning you again DAVE: yeah probably DAVE: anyway monsters will show up soon and try to eat my sleeping corpse DAVESPRITE: yeah they werent too happy with my reckless indiana jones bullshit either DAVE: yeah DAVE: so thats where you come in DAVESPRITE: i got your back dude dont worry DAVE: ok DAVE: guess ill make myself comfortable here DAVESPRITE: when you wake up DAVESPRITE: ill probably get going DAVE: what do you mean DAVESPRITE: ill just sort of DAVESPRITE: release myself DAVESPRITE: go do my own thing DAVESPRITE: after this i dont think youll need me DAVESPRITE: seems like youve got the stable time loop thing figured out already DAVESPRITE: which means youll be alright DAVESPRITE: future yous will get you out of trouble DAVESPRITE: if youre gonna live up to the responsibility of eventually becoming them DAVESPRITE: and by virtue of loop stability it sort of means you cant technically fuck up anymore DAVESPRITE: but dont let that idea go to your head itll mess you up DAVE: where will you go DAVESPRITE: dunno DAVESPRITE: fly around DAVESPRITE: up away to the sun like a fucknig piece of gargbage DAVESPRITE: see if i can catch up with bro maybe DAVESPRITE: elusive bastard DAVE: oh yeah DAVE: where do you think he is DAVE: what happened to him in your timeline DAVESPRITE: who knows DAVESPRITE: i completely lost track of him DAVESPRITE: in that timeline and this one DAVESPRITE: the dude is fucking inscrutable we both know that DAVE: yeah DAVE: ok good luck with that DAVESPRITE: thanks man
|PESTERLOG|
cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG]
CC: Glub glub. 38) GG: what!!!!! CC: S-E-E?? GG: see what! GG: go away CC: I told you! CC: T)(ere is not)(ing to worry about at all. GG: bluhhh what are you talking about.... GG: my head hurts GG: just stop it, stop trolling me GG: i hate you all!!!!!!!!!!!!! CC: )(oly mackerel, looks like SOM-EON-E woke up on t)(e wrong side of t)(e absurd )(uman bed! CC: C)(ill out, Jade. I am just following up on w)(at I told you earlier. GG: about what! GG: i dont remember talking to you at all CC: About your dream! Your post-dreamdeat)( dreamself's dream. CC: Errr. W)(ic)( is a term I just made up now. 38| GG: my dream was horrible!!! GG: i dont know what that was, i have never dreamed anything like it CC: Yes, I imagine not! You )(ave spent your w)(ole life dreaming about prospit, no? GG: oh god.... GG: prospit :( GG: is it really gone? CC: Yes, Jade. It is time to face t)(e facts! CC: Our moons are gone too. If we wis)( to sleep now, our dreams must take place in t)(e bubbles glubbed by t)(e gods w)(o live in t)(e Furt)(est Ring. CC: It is t)(e infinite space w)(ic)( divides all sessions, completely unnavigable and unfat)(omable, untouc)(ed by t)(e time or space of any universe in existence. CC: Its lords are our slumberbuddies now. 38) GG: uuuuuuuuugh D: CC: Don't be ridiculous. T)(ey are not as dreadful as t)(ey look. CC: In fact, t)(ey are quite )(elpful if you know )(ow to talk to t)(em! CC: Don't you remember our dream? I was trying to s)(ow you t)(at t)(ere is not)(ing to fear. CC: But t)(en... you kind of freaked out! )(umans are so M-ELODRAMATIC. GG: oh...... GG: that was you? CC: )(ELL YEA)(! 38D GG: argh GG: sorry but GG: could you please GG: not use all those stupid parentheses?????? GG: i can hardly read what you type and its giving me a migraine CC: GLUUUUB oh fine. CC: I will suspend my neato quirk just for you. CC: I hereby renounce the royal mark of sea dweller supremacy in the interest of INT-ERSP-ECI-ES DIPLOMACY. GG: what about the -E thing, can you stop that too? it is also annoying and stupid CC: JEGUS JADE. CC: Look! It is like a cool trident I throw sometimes. CC: <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/psifef.gif" border="0" />oooooo ---------------E CC: How is that not awesome! GG: meh :\ CC: Okay, you win. I have officially humbled myself before you. Entirely glubbing peasant-IFICATED for your pleasure. CC: Shall I clip my fins for you as well, your majesty? GG: hehehe GG: ok, sorry for sounding bossy GG: you seem pretty nice, and you sure do look exotic GG: i kind of always thought you were all like GG: a bunch of really obnoxious humans CC: Well, thank you! On both counts, of being likened to something other than an obnoxious human, as well as on my exotic looks. CC: For the record, you look pretty awesomely weird too. CC: I introduced myself before, but since you do not remember, I will do so now. My name is Feferi, and I was going to be the Empress, but now I am not! GG: hey feferi, i would like to remember...... GG: but everything is so foggy right now GG: i remember prospit being attacked GG: and GG: falling..... GG: aaaand GG: i dunno :( GG: do you know what happened? CC: Hell if I know! CC: In your pre-death dream at least. Oh, well you died obviously, so there's that. GG: fffffff GG: yeah, i gathered that! XC CC: All I could see was what happened in your hive. CC: You were asleep, and then your robot exploded. CC: And then your lusus saved you! Kind of like mine saved me. CC: Before she died. 38C GG: ohhhhhhh!!!!! GG: i do remember you! GG: i remember you were talking to me about my lusus, and i had no idea what you were talking about GG: and still sort of dont :\ GG: but you must mean bec GG: also it was shortly before your friend sent me a weird message GG: about how my robot was going to explode, and i should talk to him when it happens GG: this was months ago CC: Oh? Who was that? GG: it was the most awful and angry one GG: i am so sick of him, i really dont want to talk to that pathetic jerk ever CC: Ah, Karkat. Of course. GG: thats his name? CC: Yes, he's our leader. Why did he want you to talk to him? GG: hmmmm GG: thats right, it was about some kind of plan... GG: which he said me from the future told him about? GG: i thought it was total nonsense at the time GG: but GG: i guess he was telling the truth GG: so maybe i should talk to him? i dont know CC: Glubshrug. CC: He's pretty harmless, really. You get used to his yelling. CC: I do not even process it as yelling anymore. More like a lot of blubbering. CC: More blubber spills out of that mouth than a gash in a poached whale. GG: ewwwww CC: Gluuuuuub, I just made myself hungry. 380~ GG: ewwwwwwwwwwww! GG: fish aliens are weird CC: Hey! We're the aristocracy. We've got a duty to be weird. CC: Anyway, go talk to your shoutfriend I guess. GG: ok feferi, it was nice talking to you CC: And hey, if you want to take another nap sometime, let me know! They will be more than happy to glub us up another bubble. GG: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GG: i am never going to sleep again! GG: never never never never never never CC: PSH WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT, MISS HORNLESS MCFINLESS. CC: Why, if I'm not mistaken, you are looking a little drowsy right now. We may meet again sooner than you think. 38D GG: yes, im so tired GG: :( GG: well, ok GG: bye
gardenGnostic [GG] ceased being trolled by cuttlefishCuller [CC]
|PESTERLOG|
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
GG: ok, my robot exploded GG: now what smart guy! CG: HOLY SHIT, IT'S HARLEY CG: COMMUNICATING WITH ME OUT OF NOWHERE OF HER OWN VOLITION CG: HOLD THAT THOUGHT WHILE I GO INFORM MY DISGRACE OF A CLOWN FRIEND ABOUT THIS TRUE REAL LIFE MIRACLE, IT MIGHT LIFT HIS SPIRITS CG: I HAVE TO SPREAD THE WICKED WORD LIKE I'M MASSAGING SHITTY SPARKLEDUST AROUND MY NETHER REGIONS TO ASSUAGE A VICIOUS RASH CG: IT'S LIKE I'M SEASONING A FUCKING STEAK HERE. GG: i knew i would regret this GG: talking to you is so terrible GG: its making my headache worse CG: OH YEAH, BECAUSE TALKING TO YOU HAS JUST BEEN ABSOLUTE EUPHORIA. CG: DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME ABOUT HEADACHES. CG: RIGHT NOW THERE'S A LUMBERJACK SPLITTING WOOD ON MY THINK PAN. CG: HE'S GOT THE FOREARMS OF A CHOLERBEAR, A MOUNTAIN OF LOGS, AND NOTHING BUT FUCKING TIME. GG: uuuugh shut uuuuup! GG: will you just tell me what you wanted? CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. CG: I DIDN'T TELL YOU TO CONTACT ME, NOT THAT I'M NOT TICKLED BY THE SURPRISE. CG: LET'S CATCH UP. HOW IS EVERYTHING? HOW WAS YOUR DEATHNAP?? I CAN ONLY HOPE IT WAS AS REFRESHING AS MINE. CG: WHAT'S THAT? HOW AM I? I'M GREAT, FEEL LIKE A MILLION BOONBANKS EVER SINCE MY LITTLE POWER SNOOZE. CG: STILL PRETTY TIRED THOUGH. YOU LOOK A LITTLE DROWSY YOURSELF. BUT WE WON'T BE GOING BACK TO SLEEP ANY TIME SOON, WILL WE JADE? CG: NO WAY. A PAIR OF FEISTY GOGETTERS LIKE YOU AND ME, WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR DREAMS OF HORRORTERRORS FONDLING EVERY RECESS OF OUR NAKED PSYCHES, PLEASANT THOUGH THEY ARE. CG: YOU HAVE A LOT OF IMPORTANT USELESS SCAMPERING AND GIGGLING TO DO. WHEREAS I HAVE A CRUCIAL DATE WITH A PNEUMATIC DRILL, TO BORE A HOLE IN THE CENTER OF MY FOREHEAD, DEEP INTO THE PLUMP ANGUISH BLADDER WHICH STORES MY ALIEN DISMAY FLUID. THAT'S A REAL THING WE HAVE, FYI. CG: I WILL THEN PERFORM A LITTLE SOFT SHOE NUMBER IN THE PUDDLE OF FLUID THAT ACCUMULATES ON THE FLOOR, WHILE MAKING THE BIGGEST SMILE EVER ATTEMPTED BY SOMEONE NOT CLINICALLY RETARDED. CG: I WILL DO THIS FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT, JADE. TO SAY THANKS FOR EVERYTHING. GG: i cant believe i fell for this GG: it was just a setup to troll me some more GG: why do you go to such lengths to troll me? i just dont understand it CG: TRY TO BE CULTURALLY SENSITIVE CG: TROLLING IS AN ACTIVITY THAT SHARES A NAME WITH MY ENTIRE SPECIES CG: DO I GET ON YOUR CASE FOR ALL THE TERRIBLE HUMANNING YOU DO? GG: thats ridiculous, humanning isnt a word GG: and if it was, it would be a nicer thing to do than trolling! GG: you know what i mean, stop pretending you dont CG: TELL ME JADE CG: WHY ARE YOU SUCH A RACIST? GG: aaaaaaa that is something a troll would say! CG: YES, EXACTLY. CG: I AM A TROLL. IT SEEMS WE ARE ON THE SAME PAGE. GG: i mean you are being patronizing and disingenuous to get a rise out of me GG: and that is really really shitty!!!!!! GG: i am so tired of it, and i am done talking to you forever GG: bye karkat, it was awful knowing you! CG: WAIT CG: OK LOOK CG: I SERIOUSLY, HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. CG: YOU SAY YOUR ROBOT BLEW UP, AND THAT WAS SOME SORT OF SIGNAL TO MESSAGE ME? GG: yes GG: as if my day needed another reason to get worse CG: YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T CONTACT THE RIGHT ME. GG: what does that mean! CG: I MEAN FUTURE ME IS PROBABLY THE ONE TO TALK TO ABOUT THIS. CG: SINCE IT'S ALL NEWS TO ME. GG: is this another prank GG: you are seriously the worst at pranks CG: I DON'T PLAY PRANKS, THAT'S JUVENILE NONSENSE. CG: I DO TWO THINGS AND TWO THINGS ONLY, I DEVASTATE SORRY MOTHERFUCKERS, AND GET SHIT DONE AS AN AWESOME LEADER. CG: IN THIS CASE, I AM ACCOMPLISHING THE LATTER. CG: HERE, CLICK THIS AND WE WILL SOLVE THE MYSTERY TOGETHER. CG: <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/FRUITYRUMPUSASSHOLEFACTORY.gif" border="0" /> GG: :|
|PESTERLOG|
CCG RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY.
CCG: HEY FUTURE ME, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS EXPLODED JADEBOT BUSINESS? CCG: MUST BE SOMETHING REALLY MISSION CRITICAL, OR JADE WOULDN'T HAVE BOTHERED GETTING IN TOUCH WITH US, RIGHT? CCG: SOMETHING IMPERATIVE TO OUR SURVIVAL NO DOUBT? CCG: HEY DOUCHE BAG, ARE YOU THERE ??? gardenGnostic [?GG] AT ?:?? responded to memo.
?GG: oh jeez, why am i doing this ?GG: this is so stupid! CCG: PIPE DOWN HARLEY, THIS PRACTICALLY DOESN'T EVEN CONCERN YOU AT THIS POINT ?GG: bluhhh youre so funny!!!!! CCG: NOTHING TO SAY, FUTURE ME? CCG: NOT EVEN A FEW PARTING WORDS OF SCORN FOR ME OR THE NARCOLEPTIC IDIOT? CCG: IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE'VE SPARRED, HOW I'VE MISSED THE SWEET STING OF YOUR BARBS ?GG: are you enjoying yourself karkat? CCG: HAHAHA YOU ARE SO DUMB YOU ACTUALLY THINK THIS IS A RUSE. CCG: YOU'VE COME ALL THIS WAY AND YOU STILL DON'T GET THAT ALL THE SHIT WE'VE BEEN TELLING YOU ABOUT IS REAL. CCG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BE PULLING A STUNT LIKE THIS, WHAT A WASTE OF TIME. CCG: I REALLY AM TALKING TO FUTURE ME, HE'S JUST BEING AN EVASIVE TOOL. ?GG: well obviously i know some things youve said are true ?GG: its just hard to take everything at face value when youre always so nasty! CCG: YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY AMAZING HOW BEHIND THE TIMES YOU ARE. CCG: IT'S ALMOST AS IF YOU'VE SLEPT THROUGH THIS WHOLE ADVENTURE CCG: OH WAIT, THAT IS ESSENTIALLY TRUE. CCG: IT WAS HILARIOUS WATCHING YOU GROW UP. CCG: YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD ALL THE ANSWERS, FROLICKING ALL OVER YOUR ISLAND BEING INFURIATINGLY CHIPPER, BUILDING ROBO-BUNNIES LIKE A MORON AND ULTIMATELY RUINING EVERYTHING. CCG: YOU WERE SO SURE YOUR DREAMS TOLD YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEEDED TO KNOW. CCG: AND NOW LOOK AT YOU CCG: YOU SUDDENLY UNDERSTAND JACK SHIT. ?GG: ok i understand that you are another group of players and you are in some sort of trouble ?GG: but maybe if you had been nice to me instead of terrorizing me all those years i would have believed you ?GG: and we could have worked together to solve your problems as well as ours ?GG: it just makes me sad to think thats probably impossible now because you are so angry and stubborn! CCG: DON'T TELL ME WHAT'S IMPOSSIBLE BECAUSE I'M ANGRY AND STUBBORN. CCG: I FUCKING KNOW WHAT THOSE ASSETS MAKE POSSIBLE. CCG: THEY MADE YOU POSSIBLE, GOT IT??? ?GG: uh huh CCG: DO YOU EVEN HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO BE GRACED BY MY DIVINE FURY? CCG: TO HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF GETTING TO BE STUDIED AND MOCKED BY ME FOR YOUR WHOLE PATHETIC MISERABLE LIFE? CCG: DO YOU REALIZE I'M YOUR GOD? YES, YOUR LITERAL GOD, THAT'S RIGHT. ?GG: sure karkat, whatever you say! CCG: AND I HAVE TAKEN TIME OUT OF MY BUSY GODLY SCHEDULE TO SCRUTINIZE YOUR POINTLESS EXISTENCE. CCG: OUT OF THE COUNTLESS TRILLIONS OF LIFE FORMS I BROUGHT INTO REALITY THROUGH ANGRY GRUBFUCK POWER ALONE, I HAVE SELECTED YOU FOR EXAMINATION AND HARASSMENT. CCG: PERSONALLY I THINK THAT WARRANTS A LITTLE GRATITUDE, AND JUST MAYBE, A BIT OF DEFERENCE. CCG: A CURTSY, PERHAPS? CCG: BUT YEAH GO AHEAD AND KEEP BLOWING ME OFF LIKE THE FLAKEY LITTLE TWERP YOU ARE. FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 3 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: HEY DON'T TALK TO HER LIKE THAT YOU UNCOUTH PIECE OF SHIT. FCG: THIS IS REFLECTING POORLY ON BOTH OF US, IT'S GODDAMNED EMBARRASSING. CCG: OH WOW, ANOTHER MIRACLE. CCG: IT MUST BE PERIGEES EVE, BECAUSE GET A LOAD OF THIS HUGE BEHEMOTH LEAVING THAT JUST GOT DRAGGED IN. CCG: JADE, OUR DUTY IS CLEAR. WE MUST DECK THIS TURD TO THE NINES. FCG: OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THAT WAS A CLEVER THING TO SAY. WHAT A DIPSHIT. ?GG: aaauugh what the hell!!! FCG: JADE, I'M SORRY ABOUT PAST ME'S RETARDED BEHAVIOR. FCG: I'M NOT GOING TO DRAG OUT A HUGE APOLOGY OR ANYTHING BECAUSE I ALREADY APOLOGIZED IN AN EARLIER CONVERSATION, OK. I'M JUST LETTING YOU KNOW. CCG: GOD DAMMIT, ARE YOU SERIOUS? CCG: I MEAN, AM I SERIOUS????? CCG: WILL I BE SERIOUS ABOUT THIS SHIT. WILL I REALLY BACK DOWN LIKE A LIMP FRONDED STOOGE? PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE JOKING. FCG: PLEASE, JUST FCG: SHUT UP FCG: I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER THOUGHT FUTURE ME WAS THE STUPID ONE FCG: PAST ME IS THE DUMBEST BUCKET OF FESTERING DISCHARGE I EVER FELL ASS BACKWARDS INTO. FCG: COME ON, YOU KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE. REMEMBER ALL THE PAST USSES WE USED TO TALK TO?? FCG: THEY WERE EVEN PASTER THAN YOU, AND THEREFORE DUMBER. CCG: YEAH, I REMEMBER ALL THOSE DUMBSHIT PAST USSES, BUT THEY DON'T HOLD A FUCKING JACKASS CANDLE TO FUTURE USSES. CCG: AND YOU'RE THE FUTUREST ME I EVER HAD THE CROTCH BLISTERING MISFORTUNE OF JAWING WITH, SO THE FUCKHEAD TROPHY GOES TO YOU. CCG: I MEAN, MY GOD, WHY. CCG: IS PROXIMITY TO THAT NASTY LOOKING SPACETIME RIP ON THE TIMELINE MESSING WITH YOUR HEAD? CCG: IS THAT WHAT'S CAUSING YOU TO FEEL PITY FOR THIS IMBECILE? FCG: LOOK, JADE'S NOT THAT BAD OK. FCG: YOU JUST GOT TOO WORKED UP, AND YOU CAN'T SEE THAT. FCG: AND NOW ALL THIS FROTHING PANDEMONIUM JUMPING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH IS JUST RIDICULOUS OVERCOMPENSATION FOR YOUR OWN SHORTCOMINGS AND MISTAKES, AND MASKING SOME FEELINGS YOU'RE NOT REALLY IN TOUCH WITH. FCG: THIS IS ALL SO OBVIOUS, I'M FLUSHING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER IN EMBARRASSMENT HAVING TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU, AND EVEN WORSE, REMEMBERING HAVING IT EXPLAINED TO ME BY THE SMART ONE THREE HOURS AGO AND STILL ACTING LIKE A MOIST GLOBE EVEN AFTER BEING SO SOUNDLY SCHOOLFED. CCG: I DON'T BELIEVE THIS. PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS A JOKE. FCG: YOU SAID SO YOURSELF, WE DON'T JOKE AROUND. IT'S JUVENILE, REMEMBER. CCG: I'M GOING TO VOMIT. CCG: I'M MAKING A MENTAL NOTE TO SLAP MYSELF THREE HOURS FROM NOW, FOR BEING ENOUGH OF A SAP TO START DEVELOPING RED FEELINGS FOR A DUMB ANNOYING HUMAN, IF I'M READING BETWEEN THE LINES CORRECTLY. FCG: I JUST SLAPPED MYSELF! I REMEMBERED MY LAME NOTE TO MYSELF FROM THREE HOURS AGO, AND THEN SLAPPED MYSELF SPECIFICALLY TO MOCK YOU. FCG: IT STINGS TOO, YOU'LL FEEL IT IN A WHILE. AND THEN THE GHOST OF PAST ME WILL CRY. FCG: PAST ME DOESN'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE. HE'S A STUPID BAWLING WIGGLER PHANTOM. HE'S DEAD, NOT A REAL GUY ANYMORE, LIKE ME. FCG: I'M THE REAL ONE. YOU'RE FAKE, A SHADOW OF A SAD MEMORY THAT PISSED ITS PANTS WHILE SCREAMING. FCG: TIME TO DEAL WITH IT. CCG banned FCG from responding to memo.
FCG unbanned himself from responding to memo.
FCG banned CCG from responding to memo.
CCG unbanned himself from responding to memo.
?GG: i cant take this anymore!!!!!!!! ?GG: i dont even know what im reading here but its preposterous and ive had it! ?GG: i am just so angry, i cant believe i let you push me around all those years ?GG: you are completely out of your mind, i was too nice by just blocking you and typing frowny faces and stuff ?GG: i should have let you HAVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FCG: YES!!!!! FCG: LET THIS FUCKER KNOW THE SCORE JADE. THIS IS HOW WE ROLL. ?GG: SHUT UP!!!!!!! ?GG: future karkat, if you really are future karkat...... ?GG: where do you get off thinking you can just suddenly act like were pals because you said you apologized???? ?GG: if you want to apologize then great i am all ears! but just mentioning it off hand and then yelling at yourself the same way you yell at me all the time as if i need a knight to come save me from yourself is so lame, not to mention completely insane ?GG: i cant even believe the things im typing here! this is so stupid, talking to two of you at once is the worst thing imaginable ?GG: you treat everyone horribly, even yourself, i cant even fathom how awful it is to be you ?GG: past karkat, youre acting like a bigger jerk than he is and i think you know that! why dont you take his advice and grow up ?GG: as if theres even a real difference between you two. three hours is hardly any time at all, you are the same person YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!!!!!!!!! CCG: OH SHIT FCG: YES, THAT WAS GREAT. WE BOTH HAD IT COMING, ESPECIALLY HIM. GREAT WORK JADE. ?GG: stop it!!!! ?GG: ugh, i dont know whats worse, jerk karkat or goofy sycophant karkat ?GG: i cant stand it, whether youre trying to be nice or just being a crazy asshole, you are just so weird!!! ?GG: im through humoring you, i dont even care about this stupid exploded robot mission, whatever that was FCG: OH RIGHT, ABOUT THAT FCG: YEAH WE NEED TO TALK FCG: I MEAN WE HAVE ALREADY FROM MY PERSPECTIVE FCG: BUT YOU'RE GOING TO BE REALLY BUSY SOON, BECAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO ENTER YOUR SESSION FCG: SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT UNTIL YOU DO, THEN JUST HIT ME UP, WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT ?GG: hahaha, FAT CHANCE!!!! FCG: LOOK I KNOW THINGS ARE WEIRD BETWEEN US RIGHT NOW AND YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE MAD. FCG: ESPECIALLY AT THAT LOSER. FCG: BUT THINGS WILL CHANGE, IN TIME YOU'LL SEE I'M NOT QUITE SO AWFUL, OK? ??? turntechGodhead [?TG] AT ?:?? responded to memo.
?TG: ahahahahah oh god ?TG: dude i cant believe you were just getting on our case about hitting on the troll girls ?TG: and then literally the very next memo you are slobbering all over jade ?TG: thats just perfect hahahaha CCG banned ?TG: from responding to memo.
FCG rebanned ?TG: from responding to memo.
?GG: dave wait dont go! ?GG: youve got to save me from this insanity :( FCG: OH I SEE, NOW YOU COULD USE A KNIGHT, HOW VERY INTERESTING, HMMM. FCG: GOD I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO BE FUTURE YOU, SLIGHTLY LESS FUTURE YOU IS SUCH A GOD DAMN PILL ?GG: i cant wait for future you to future kiss my ass! CCG: YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. ?GG: i also cant wait for past you to past drop dead and go to hell, PAST TENSE!!!!!!!! ?GG: when are those things going to happen?? or will have already past/future happened????? ?GG: i want to put another reminder on my finger so i know when its time to throw a party!!!! FCG: HAHAHAHA, YOU HEAR THAT YOU OBSOLETE PILE OF GARBAGE? JADE JUST FLIPPED YOU OFF WITH A COLORFUL FINGER. CCG: MAN, SHE OBVIOUSLY HATES YOU MORE. SHE CALLED YOU A SYCOPHANT WHICH IS A HUNDRED TIMES MORE DESCRIPTIVELY WORSE THAN JUST BEING A RUN OF THE MILL SCUMBAG LIKE ME. CCG: SHE IS TOTALLY ON TO YOU AND HOW DESPICABLE YOU'VE BECOME, CAN YOU BLAME HER FOR HATING US? FCG: NO, I CAN BLAME YOU, YOU'RE THE ONE WITH NO MANNERS WHO'S ALL TWISTED UP INSIDE. FCG: HOW'S THIS FOR A PACT, EVERYBODY. FCG: PAST KARKAT ONLY TALKS TO PAST JADE FROM NOW ON, AND THE TWO OF THEM CAN BICKER LIKE SHITTY LITTLE CHILDREN FOR HOURS/YEARS RESPECTIVELY. FCG: AND FUTURE KARKAT ONLY TALKS TO FUTURE JADE, AN ARRANGEMENT WHEREIN ONLY INTELLIGENT DISCOURSE TAKES PLACE BETWEEN TWO CIVILIZED, MATURE, GROWN ASSED ADULTS. FCG: IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?????? ?GG: jesus will you just ban me already???? ?GG: my head hurts so bad now i think im going to cry FCG: MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST BAN HER ALREADY AND END THIS TORMENT SINCE YOU DRAGGED HER INTO THIS. CCG: FUCK THAT YOU BAN HER. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SEEMS TO "CARE". FCG: WILL YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, MAN THE FUCK UP, AND BAN THIS POOR GIRL ALREADY? ?GG: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa XO ?GG: i will just ban myself!!!! ?GG: *JADE HARLEY BANNED HERSELF FROM RESPONDING TO THE GRUMPY SHIT HEAD MISERY ZONE, AND IS NEVER COMING BACK* ?GG: pchoooooooooooooooo [?GG] ceased responding to memo.
FCG: OK, THERE. SHE'S GONE. FCG: MAYBE NOW YOU GET IT. FCG: HOW HIDEOUS EVERYONE THINKS YOU ARE, MAYBE YOU'LL FINALLY STOP FUCKING EVERYTHING UP. CCG: HUH FCG: WHAT CCG: I THINK CCG: I WAS PROBABLY WRONG ABOUT JADE CCG: SHE'S A LITTLE LESS LAME THAN I THOUGHT FCG: SHHHHSHHSHSHSHSH FCG: SHE CAN STILL READ THIS YOU STUPID FUCK FCG: NOW'S NOT THE TIME TO OPEN YOUR VEINS AND WRITE POEMS ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS CCG: FUCK YOU, I'M JUST VOICING A HARMLESS OBSERVATION OK CCG: IT'S NOT MY BUSINESS IF SOME LUNK HEAD IN THE FUTURE GETS CARRIED AWAY WITH WHATEVER LITTLE THOUGHTS I MAY OR MAY NOT NOW BE THINKING FCG: I... FCG: BUT FCG: HOW COULD THAT EVEN BE A REAL THING I TYPED THREE HOURS AGO, HOW COULD I BE THIS STUPID. FCG: WE ARE JUST THE DUMBEST FUCKERS WHO EVER LIVED AREN'T WE. CCG: SPEAK FOR YOURSELF. FCG: I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE ENERGY TO BAN US. FCG: I'M JUST LEAVING. [FCG] ceased responding to memo.
CCG: YEAH [CCG] ceased responding to memo.
You are suddenly John being the someone who is Jade's server player.
Since you have made short work of a delicious home cooked meal, you decide to bear down on this game. However, aromas from the ghost oven persist. What is that... lasagna? Wow, that smells great. Focus, Egbert, focus!
Since your paradox sister is still napping, you guess it couldn't hurt to set a few things up first.
|PESTERLOG|
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
GG: john are you there??? EB: whoa, hey! EB: you're awake! GG: yes! GG: im so relieved to talk to you and hear youre ok GG: i mean....... GG: are you ok john? your dream self i mean EB: oh, yeah. EB: i am pretty sure that i... EB: he? EB: am/is fine. EB: i woke up on the battlefield which was on fire, and had flaming bits of prospit everywhere. GG: :( GG: yes, but that was not prospit. that was its moon which was severed by the crazy derse agent EB: oh, you mean jack? GG: i dunno! EB: that is his name, karkat told me. EB: i saw him there too. EB: oh!!!!! EB: i also got your present, and it saved my life! GG: really?? :D EB: yes, the bunny was so awesome, it was definitely the best bunny i got today. EB: thank you so much, jade! GG: <3 EB: when jack saw it, he flew the hell away. and then the bunny and i went on an adventure together. EB: does the bunny have a name? i asked him but i don't think he can talk. GG: i dont know! i did not give him one after applying the upgrades GG: i gave her a girls name when i was very young, but now she is a different bunny, and also a boy i guess? GG: its up to you john, he is your bunny EB: oh, i did not even think of that. EB: well if she grew up as a girl, then it's not right for me to suddenly make her a boy. EB: hmm... EB: you have no idea how tempted i am to name her casey again. GG: hahahaha GG: again? EB: yes, i named a young salamander casey earlier, but then i left her at rose's house. GG: you were at roses house?? EB: yes, but she was asleep. EB: also, apparently i am supposed to marry rose. karkat said so. GG: what!!!! EB: it is true, it is a fact from an alien. GG: ugh he is so weird GG: you shouldnt listen to him! EB: heheh, i did not take him that seriously. EB: but karkat is cool, he is angry and funny. GG: D: GG: he is angry and a huge pain in the ass GG: have you ever talked to two of him at once???? EB: haha, no! GG: dont ever do it! you will get a headache EB: that sounds kind of awesome. GG: noooooooo, think again EB: i've got it. EB: i will name her liv tyler. GG: ???? EB: the bunny. GG: :| GG: you mean from armageddon? EB: yeah! GG: john that is so stupid GG: but also kind of cute i guess GG: ok then the bunny will be named after your silly movie star fantasy crush EB: it's too bad i can't marry liv instead of rose. EB: the girl i mean, not the bunny. EB: but i guess she is probably dead now, along with all the other glamorous movie stars who come out to shine on the silver screen. EB: that's pretty sad. GG: yeah...... GG: that reminds me john GG: have you looked in the lab yet? EB: the lab? GG: the big room in the sphere at the top of the tower EB: oh, no. why? GG: could you do me a favor and not look in there? EB: ok. why, is there a secret in there? GG: its nothing that secret or personal or anything.... GG: it is just something kind of sad and weird for you to see EB: what is it? GG: it is my dead dream self GG: it has been there for years, i always knew i would die but i did not realize it would go like this.... EB: oh... EB: errr... GG: what? EB: i have sort of already seen... that. EB: not in the lab, but on the battlefield. GG: oh no!!!!! GG: im sorry john :( EB: it's ok. EB: i was so confused and sad when i saw you lying there... EB: i'd rather not talk about it i guess. GG: i understand EB: but, i wonder... EB: if your dream self died... EB: then what were you just dreaming about now? GG: ummmmmmm GG: i think i would rather not talk about that either EB: ok, that's cool. EB: oh, also... EB: i found your ring. GG: you did???? EB: yes... EB: but then i woke up, and didn't have it anymore. EB: so i am not sure where it is now. GG: oh nooooooo GG: john that ring is really important, it belongs to the white queen! EB: oh, whoa. GG: when you go to sleep again, you should try to find it and keep it safe! EB: ok, i will do that. EB: hey jade, we have a lot to catch up on, but how about later? EB: we have to hurry, remember there is a big meteor heading for you right now? GG: yes i have seen it, it is so huge ._. GG: how much time do you suppose we have? EB: i will find out now!
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EB: ok, we have 10 minutes and 25 seconds. GG: hmmmm i wonder what the significance of that number is EB: why would it be significant? EB: numbers don't always need to have significance! GG: but they usually do! EB: ok, well the number is now less than it was, and therefore less significant. EB: and by less, i mean more! you had better hurry upstairs and make your special item. GG: yes, youre right EB: hey, what do you think we should prototype this fussy little orb with? EB: heheheh, it seems like so long ago that rose fed mine a clown. EB: we were just messing around, we didn't even know what we were doing. GG: i dont know... GG: there are so many possibilities EB: yeah... EB: it's almost like your grandpa put all this crap here knowing we'd have to make that decision. GG: hmmmmmm! GG: yes, it sure seems that way EB: he seems like he was an awesome guy, i would have liked to have the chance to talk to him. GG: well GG: maybe you will get that chance john EB: oh? GG: yes, as a matter of fact i am sure we will both get that chance! GG: i once dreamt that we would EB: huh... EB: wait, are you saying we will prototype him? EB: like i did with nanna, to bring her ghost back to life? EB: as... EB: another ghost? GG: sure, why not! EB: i guess that makes a lot of sense, actually. GG: that is what i believe this game is for in part GG: you got to bring back your nanna, rose brought back her cat, i can bring back grandpa, and dave... GG: dave got to bring back a dead bird because of course he is too cool to have any dead family members EB: yeah, also he brought back himself from the future. EB: who... wasn't dead, but was going to die maybe? i dunno. EB: specifically to save my life, as well as yours, i think. GG: wait, he did???? EB: yes. GG: that is GG: soooo cooooool :O EB: it's pretty neat, i guess. GG: i almost completely forgot i was his server player!!!!! GG: i hope hes not in trouble, i should check on him GG: we probably have so much to catch up on EB: i just messaged him, he is not answering. GG: i dont see him in his house either :( EB: ehhh, he's fine, he has been doing a lot of time traveling. EB: i talked to him from the future, so he must be ok now to make it that far. GG: oh, ok... GG: jeez, i feel so out of the loop :( EB: yes, that is why we need to get you in the loop! EB: the loop being the game. hurry upstairs! your transporty pad thingies take you straight up, right? GG: yes! ok here i go EB: oh, wait!!! GG: what! EB: what do we do about prototyping? EB: we shouldn't put your grandpa in yet, unless we want lots of imps and ogres and stuff that look like your grandpa. GG: augh, nooooooooooooooo EB: we could put in something really lame, to make all the monsters weaker! EB: or at the very least, more ridiculous looking. EB: like one of these weird pictures of blue ladies lying around. EB: what's the deal with those, anyway? GG: oh god, dont get me started :| GG: he was a strange and silly man EB: i guess we could just put nothing in and see what happens. GG: hmmmmmmm, perhaps GG: is that allowed? EB: i don't see why not. EB: maybe i will ask rose, because she suddenly understands everything for some reason. GG: yes, thats a good idea EB: we have ten minutes to think about it. EB: whoops! i mean a lot less than ten minutes! EB: hurry upstairs, go go go!!!
|PESTERLOG|
EB: what is this thing, anyway?? EB: and why is it blocking your transporter? GG: it is some sort of terrible creature my grandpa hunted GG: he called it the typheus minion GG: i always hated it! EB: typheus? EB: like the web browser? GG: i guess so GG: it is probably a coincidence though EB: hmm, i don't know... EB: if you think numbers always mean something, why wouldn't browser names? GG: yeah maybe..... GG: i guess it would make sense for someone to name a really awful web browser after such a hideous monster EB: wow, you sure do hate that thing! GG: well sorry, i just found it sort of a weird and creepy thing to grow up with! EB: i think it is pretty cool. EB: and he is actually sort of cute to be honest, :p GG: :p!!!!!! EB: oh, and screw you, typheus is an awesome browser! EB: it is old school. GG: joooohhhhhn, it is so crappy EB: typheus is the best and that's really all there is to say on the matter. GG: YEAH RIGHT GG: now is obviously not the best time to have the argument about whose browser is better.... GG: but really john you should upgrade to echidna, its so much nicer GG: after you upgrade your clunky old computer of course :P GG: maybe when i am in the game, i can give you one of mine! EB: oh please. EB: i will have you know, miss fancy computer dork... EB: that i DID upgrade my computer. GG: oh??? EB: yes, you are talking to the proud owner of a brand new BILL COSBY COMPUTER, ok? GG: :O EB: it is a stylish laptop in the shape of none other than bill cosby, the comedy LEGEND himself. GG: omg EB: he is looking a little sly, and fatherly, and he is wearing a sweater, and he is bill cosby. EB: i made it with my alchemiter. GG: john that is incredible GG: i cant wait to make stuff like that!!!!!! GG: except... GG: all my awesome stuff exploded with my room :( EB: then you will just have to make lots of NEW awesome stuff! GG: yay!!! EB: ok hold that thought, im going to yank this stupid monster off of the thing.
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GG: what is the problem!!!! EB: oh, nothing. EB: i am just dropping monsters all over the place, that is all. EB: are you upstairs? GG: yes EB: ok, good. EB: i left the cruxite by the lathe, as well as the punched card with the green thingy on it. EB: you should have plenty of time to make it. no drama here! GG: nice! GG: how much time? EB: a little more than 6 minutes. EB: in the meantime, i will try to contact rose and get this prototyping nonsense sorted out. EB: it's so confusing... EB: in my foolishness, i came very close to prototyping your grandpa. GG: D: GG: john, try to be more careful! EB: we very nearly had to face our grandfatherly paradox-dad as a last boss. EB: that would probably be the worst case scenario. GG: um..... GG: what?
|PESTERLOG|
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
EB: rose, i have a question, and i am in a hurry! EB: so hurry up and answer!!! TT: Did you know your planet was on fire? EB: oh. EB: it is? TT: Yes. It makes a good light for reading, actually. EB: ok, haha, that's a confusing thing you said, but that topic will have to wait! EB: jade is minutes away from entering, and i need to decide what to do with this kernel sprite. EB: i really don't want to mess up and do something stupid. EB: i was thinking about not prototyping at all, to not give the monsters any new powers. EB: what do you think, rose? EB: i thought i'd ask since you seem to know all the mysteries. TT: Yes, I do seem to be shadowed by each mystery and its somber cortege of riddles, don't I? EB: yes. EB: that is exactly what i was going to say. TT: First of all, I should preface this conversation by saying I know exactly what you and Jade are going to do. EB: um... EB: ok? TT: The more of our future I've been allowed to see, the more I'm presented with a challenge I'm not very comfortable with. TT: The trolls have tipped us off about what's to come without any regard for the consequences, as appears to be their nature. TT: But maybe that's why it's worked for them. TT: Maybe their indiscretion mingles with the cosmic noise that is the fabric of temporal uncertainty. EB: bluhhhhhh... EB: rose, tick tick tick!!! TT: Sorry, John. TT: I'm just nervous about it. TT: About whether telling you what you definitely will or won't do will alter a predetermined outcome. TT: The result would be a splintered timeline, and we would all be sentenced to eventual oblivion. TT: I'm presently optimistic this has not happened yet, and this is still the alpha timeline. I'd like to keep it that way. EB: oh, wow. EB: you mean like when i died in another dimension, because terezi hornswoggled me? TT: Yes, sort of. TT: It isn't much fun, John. EB: what's not? TT: Living for months in an offshoot reality, waiting for the curtain to drop. EB: oh, ok, i see. EB: well, uh... EB: is there anything you can tell me? TT: Hmm. TT: I guess I can permit myself to tell you this, somewhat definitively. EB: what? TT: Failing to prototype the kernel is the absolute worst thing that you could possibly do. TT: Like, ever. EB: oh no! TT: We would come into possession of all the disasters. TT: Exhaustive possession. Monopolization, in fact. EB: then i guess i will not do that. EB: why is it so bad? TT: Because the battlefield will not be able to heal, and then transform. TT: It will not reach the stage which allows it to become ready to receive our universe. EB: but... EB: i thought you said it wasn't going to be able to make a universe anyway? EB: wasn't it barren or something? TT: Yes. EB: so why is it important? TT: Because if it does not reach this stage, we will not be able to recover the treasure hidden in its core. TT: Which is to say, TT: You will not be able to recover it. TT: When you go to sleep again. EB: OHHHHHH. EB: why didn't you say so, of course the answer is treasure. TT: Yes. This is the treasure that will give us hope. TT: But only if it comes into being in the first place. EB: what is the treasure exactly? TT: John, what is that sound? EB: what sound? TT: It seems to be a ticking noise. EB: aaaahh! EB: yeah, i've got to go. we can chat about treasure later. EB: anyway, i will sort out this prototyping silliness myself. EB: thanks rose!
|PESTERLOG|
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --
GG: dave! GG: are you busy? GG: i dont have much time! GG: i am about to make my entry item, and its a little confusing GG: i think the more players we add, the trickier they are to... um...... GG: activate! GG: like yours was GG: i figured we could brainstorm about it, while john fusses with the kernel GG: helloooooo? TG: nak nak nak GG: :o TG: nak nak nak nak nak nak GG: :\ GG: whaaat....? TG: nakka nakka nak GG: dammit dave!!!!!! GG: this is really urgent! TG: MY GLASSES ARE TALKING TO ME MY GLASSES ARE TALKING TO ME TG: naknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknak GG: ._.
|PESTERLOG|
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
TT: John. EB: blaaauuuuuuuuugh, what happened!!!!! TT: You were sleeping. EB: yes, i know! EB: on the corner of my ghost bed! EB: in the middle of an oil ocean! EB: for some reason!!! TT: Why were you sleeping? TT: Everywhere I look, I see boys taking naps. EB: um... EB: i have no idea. EB: i don't remember what happened, i was in the middle of helping jade... EB: and then... EB: i guess my bed crashed? EB: and i got knocked out i guess. EB: i was dreaming. EB: i couldn't have been out for that long, because my dream was really short. TT: You weren't. TT: Ten minutes, I'd say. TT: What were you dreaming about? EB: i was on the battlefield again. EB: but i did not have time to seek the treasure! TT: I wouldn't imagine so. EB: but... EB: i did see a black guy wrapped up in my ghosty bed sheets. EB: he was acting very suspicious. TT: A black guy? EB: oh... EB: i do not mean like, an african american or anything. EB: like bill cosby. TT: Thanks for clearing that up. EB: r.i.p. bill. :( EB: this fellow had a hard black shell, like all the dead guys do. EB: i followed him for a bit... EB: and then some sorta ruckus transpired, and i woke up. EB: and now jade won't answer! EB: do you know if she's ok? TT: She's fine. TT: But you're not. EB: i'm not? TT: Remember how I said your planet was on fire? EB: oh yeah... EB: that didn't by any chance stop being a thing that was true, did it? TT: It did not. TT: Do you see that pinkish hue behind you, bleeding over the horizon? EB: fuck!!! EB: rose, this is all oil! it'll all just explode any second, won't it??? TT: I don't think the fire's rate of propagation is quite as fast as you're imagining. TT: But the danger is still significant. TT: Especially considering that your bed is sinking. EB: fuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!! TT: Relax. TT: Look to your right.
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TT: This will at least buy you some time. TT: If you stay calm, and we work together, we can get you out of this. TT: I'm practically an expert at escaping fires by now. EB: ok, thank you rose. EB: hey, how do you know these things anyway? EB: can you see me somehow? TT: Yes. TT: I have a crystal ball. EB: oh man, really? TT: Yes. EB: like a magic one? TT: I think so. EB: can it show you the future? EB: is that how you know what's going to happen? TT: No, it can only show me various locations in the present moment, as far as I can tell. TT: My perception of the future has been informed by other sources. EB: like what? TT: Informants. EB: durrrrr. TT: Whispering gods, memories sifted from dreams, cryptic readings from unearthed talismans, conclusions drawn from riddles deciphered - every gambit you'd expect a quest to extend to an emerging seer. TT: Just as I presume an heir would be supplied with what's needed for his maturation, assuming he's looking for it. EB: oh... yeah. EB: point taken. i guess i should be looking, huh? TT: You should probably be doing what you're doing. EB: okay, so... EB: with what you've learned from your dreams and gods and magic and stuff... EB: do you have it all mapped out now? do you know everything? TT: I didn't know why you were asleep, did I? EB: yeah, but... EB: neither did i! TT: I have more pedestrian sources too, you know. TT: Sometimes trolls blither tidbits about the future, and I can't help but take note of it. TT: Just as they do with you. TT: You also have access to the oracle clouds in Skaia, whereas I do not. EB: oh yeah. TT: Knowing the future is no remarkable feat here. TT: It appears to be a fact of life. TT: I'm not all that special, John. EB: ok, buuuuuut... EB: i guess that's not all i'm talking about. EB: you seem a little different. EB: kind of, um... spooky? TT: Really? EB: i just mean that before, it felt like we were in this adventure together, figuring stuff out as we went along. EB: and now you have all the answers! because of magic, and other mysterious reasons! EB: and you want to use your powers to break the game, and i still don't really understand why, and... EB: bluh. TT: I'm not actually trying to caricaturize a grim sorcerer. TT: There's still a perfectly intact piece of my mind which realizes how ridiculous it is to be flying across rainbow oceans with a couple of magic wands and a salamander in a little cowl. TT: And it wasn't without swallowing a little embarrassment that I revealed I was using a crystal ball just now. TT: It's all pretty absurd. TT: And yet, TT: It's been fun, and above all, practical. TT: For solving our problems. EB: ok, yeah, you're right. EB: i guess i just started worryin'... EB: that you are getting away from us! EB: because you know everything, and you're magic, and you have a crystal ball, and a salamander, and you are basically a wizard. EB: and that's cool, and it sure does sound fun... EB: but i kinda think it was more fun when you just did things like read books, and tell jokes. TT: I still read books and tell jokes. EB: BA-DUM PSHHH! TT: John, TT: That was mean. EB: sorry. :(
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EB: well, if you do not have any objection... EB: maybe later, i will drop by your planet again and rescue you, thus breaking the spooky spell put on you by your nefarious, shadowy masters. TT: Swoon! EB: that way you will stop being so grimdark and ominous, and basically completely off the deep end in every way, as is now painfully obvious to anyone with a brain. TT: I will do by best to occupy myself as benignly and unmagically as possible until you show up. EB: yes. EB: please write some happy stories in your journal, about lively horses, and conspicuously not about wizards, or sadness. TT: ... "Happy?" TT: What is this strange, unsad emotion of which you speak? EB: yes, this is good. EB: you see rose, these are jokes. EB: this are what they look like, do not be alarmed. TT: Jokes? TT: Are those the things people say when they want unusual noises to come out of the pliable crescent-shaped holes sometimes found in people's faces? EB: laughs, rose. laaaughs. EB: also, those crescenty looking holes where laughs come out of? EB: those are smiles! EB: observe... :D TT: I need to make a note of this. TT: Excuse me while I open this tome bound in the tanned, writhing flesh of a tortured hellscholar. The screaming will subside shortly. EB: ok, i will wait patiently. TT: Continue to not be alarmed as I record your advice with runes stroked in the black tears bled from the corruption-weary eyes of fifty thousand imaginary occultists. TT: And then brace yourself for the fabled blackdeath trance of the woegothics I will slip into, while quaking in the bloodeldritch throes of the broodfester tongues. EB: no, rose! EB: that sort of nonsense is exactly what is out of the question! EB: i see things are more urgent than i realized. EB: i will have to venture there straightaway, and slap you right out of that silly old trance! TT: One is not easily shaken from the broodfester tongues, John. TT: They are stubborn throes. EB: oh. EB: well shit. TT: Besides, you can't come to my planet right away. TT: You will need to recover the treasure first, because it must be delivered to me. EB: oh yeah. EB: what is this treasure, anyway? EB: and how's it gonna save us! TT: You'd probably be disappointed if I described it. EB: tell me anyway! TT: Ok. TT: It's called The Tumor. EB: ... EB: you're right, that is the shittiest sounding treasure i have ever heard.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: so what is this tumor supposed to do? EB: and what is the significance of... EB: removing it, i guess? EB: does that mean im curing the battlefield or something? EB: like the planet's doctor? EB: hello????? EB: rose????????????? TT: Sorry. TT: I was preoccupied. EB: by what? TT: Oh, let's say, TT: Troll stuff. TT: You know how it is. EB: ???????????????????????????????? TT: Incidentally, looks like you will have your own troll stuff to attend to shortly. EB: i will? TT: Yes. TT: Involving the one who hates you, and the one who likes you. EB: um... EB: which ones are those? TT: You don't have a guess? EB: uh... karkat and vriska? EB: oh god, i was right. there they are now. EB: how did you know? TT: I have to go, John. TT: Talk to your trolls. TT: We'll catch up shortly. EB: wait!!! EB: there's stuff you didn't tell me! EB: what happened with jade? did i mess anything up with the prototyping?? EB: aaaugh, why can't i remember!!!!! EB: don't go yet rose, tell me! EB: rose???????
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
EB: BLUH BLUH EB: HUGE WITCH
|PESTERLOG|
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --
CG: IT'S ME AGAIN, ASSHOLE CG: THE ONE WHO HATES YOU, REMEMBER? CG: OR SHOULD I SAY FUTURE-REMEMBER??? EB: karkat!!!!!!!!!! CG: AGAIN WITH KNOWING MY NAME CG: IT'S REALLY FUCKING UNSETTLING WHEN YOU DO THAT. CG: I WONDER HOW FAR BACK YOU KNOW IT CG: I'M GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE A SPECIAL POINT OF NOT BEING THE ONE TO TELL YOU, I DON'T WANT TO GIVE YOU THE SATISFACTION. EB: hey, shut up a second! EB: i need you to be nice for a change and do me a favor... EB: have you talked to jade recently? EB: can you tell me what happened to her?? CG: WHO THE FUCK IS JADE. EB: uh... EB: hmm. CG: JOHN, THE FACT THAT YOU ALWAYS SEEM TO THINK I CAN READ YOUR MIND JUST UNDERSCORES WHAT A HARROWING GODDAMN IDIOT YOU ARE. EB: jade is the girl who i am pretty sure just entered our session. EB: she is my client player. CG: OH, YOU MEAN THE ONE WHO FUCKS EVERYTHING UP. EB: um, yeah... i thought you knew that? you talked to her a bunch of times, apparently. CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW THAT. CG: THIS IS ONLY THE SECOND TIME I HAVE EVER TALKED TO A HUMAN. CG: AND THE FIRST TIME, MUCH TO MY MIGRAINE COMPOUNDING REGRET, WAS WITH YOU. EB: oh! EB: ok, i see what is going on here. EB: we are finally getting to our first couple of conversations. cool! CG: NO, NOT "COOL". CG: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE IS VERY MUCH ANTITHETICAL TO YOUR PRIMITIVE HUMAN NOTION OF "EARTH COOL". CG: YOU SEE, IN OUR FIRST CONVERSATION, WE DIDN'T EXACTLY GET OFF ON THE RIGHT FOOT. CG: IT IS A FOOT WHICH SHOULD HAVE REEKED OF YOUR VERBAL RUINATION. CG: BUT INSTEAD IT SMELLED LIKE CG: WELL, LET'S NOT GET INTO THAT. CG: I AM HERE TO DO WHAT YOU AND YOUR PATHETIC CADRE OF CO-HUMANS FAILED TO DO, WHICH IS SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT. CG: I AM HERE TO UTTERLY ANNIHILATE YOUR SHIT. CG: I WILL STAY ON MESSAGE THIS TIME. I WILL NOT BE DETERRED BY YOUR GOOFY MANNERISMS AND YOUR ABSURD PENCHANT FOR REVELING IN SELF ABUSE. CG: WE WILL GET OFF ON A FRESH FOOT, AND BY FRESH I MEAN MOST FOUL INDEED. CG: ITS TOES ARE WIGGLING UNDER YOUR HIDEOUS PINK NOSTRILS. NOW BREATHE DEEP YOUR MISFORTUNE, YOU SAD LITTLE CLOWN. CG: THIS IS THE END OF YOU. THAT AROMA YOU DETECT WAFTS FROM THE BOUQUET PERCHED ON YOUR CORPSE BOX. CG: NOBODY CRIES, EXCEPT YOUR SHITTY GHOST. HEAVY SOBS FROM A SPECTER OF UNQUALIFIED FAILURE. CG: IT IS A SYMPHONY TO MY ANGRY EARS. EB: so... the smell is from a foot... but also from funeral flowers? EB: this metaphor is confusing. CG: STFU CG: I'M ONLY GETTING STARTED. EB: yeah, i know! EB: this is all that big time trolling i was looking forward to. EB: and it's pretty good so far, and ordinarily i would be excited to hear more... CG: YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN??? CG: YOU ARE ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS, WHAT A SICK FUCK. EB: but i really am concerned about what happened with jade! EB: my request for a favor still stands, even though this is early you, and you still think you hate me. CG: DON'T QUESTION THE SINCERITY OF MY HATE, JUST DON'T EVEN FUCKING GO THERE. EB: ok, fine! you hate me sooooo much, like, for real. EB: can you just tell me what's up with jade? EB: can you see her? CG: YEAH I SEE HER CG: IT'S MAKING ME MAD SEEING HER EB: can you tell me what happened? what did she do that was so bad? CG: HAHAHAHAHAHA CG: HERE I AM TALKING TO YOU MOMENTS AFTER YOU DID THE TERRIBLE THING, AND YOU STILL DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU DID! CG: INCREDIBLE, YOU TRULY ARE DUMBER THAN I THOUGHT. EB: ok!!! i'm an idiot! can you just tell me anyway???? EB: whoa... CG: WHAT EB: the ground is shaking... EB: what's going on? CG: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S GOING ON. CG: WHAT YOU FUCKING DID IS WHAT'S GOING ON. EB: so tell me what i fucking did!!! CG: OH, YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU FUCKING DID? EB: yes! EB: please, no more stalling or "i already told you's" or any other maddening nonsense! EB: just... EB: TELL ME! CG: VERY WELL, JOHN HUMAN EGBERT. CG: I WILL TELL YOU WHAT YOU DID CG: READY FOR ME TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU DID? CG: HERE'S ME, TELLING YOU WHAT YOU DID CG: OK, HERE GOES CG: WHAT YOU DID IS AS FOLLOWS CG: AS SUCH CG: AND THUSLY EB: :|
|PESTERLOG|
CG: THE IDIOT YOU CALL THE JADE HUMAN WENT AHEAD AND PROTOTYPED HER FREAK OF A LUSUS, WHILE YOU DECIDED TO TAKE A NAP FOR SOME REASON RATHER THAN DOING WHAT A LEADER IS SUPPOSED TO DO AND STOP HER FROM BEING SO FUCKING RETARDED.
|PESTERLOG|
CG: YOUR VERSION OF JACK, WHO YOU WERE SOMEHOW DUMB ENOUGH TO ENTRUST WITH THE QUEEN'S RING, BECAME ESSENTIALLY INDESTRUCTIBLE. CG: HE THEN WENT ON A RAMPAGE THROUGH YOUR POINTLESS SESSION, WHICH HILARIOUSLY, WAS ALREADY A LOST CAUSE EVEN BEFORE THIS HAPPENED! CG: I AM JUST BESIDE MYSELF WITH THE SPECTACULAR BREADTH OF YOUR FAILURE.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: jade prototyped a lusus? EB: what's that? CG: OH CG: OK, MY BAD, I FORGOT I WAS TALKING TO A MEMBER OF A GENERICALLY BIZARRE ALIEN SPECIES. CG: I GUESS SOME HUMANS HAVE A LUSUS, WHILE OTHERS DON'T? WHATEVER. CG: HER LUSUS IS THE CREATURE WHICH SERVES AS HER CUSTODIAN. EB: oh, you mean her dog! CG: I GUESS EB: so, she prototyped becquerel? EB: why is that so bad? CG: JOHN, DO YOU EVEN KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS? CG: IS THIS HOW HUMAN FRIENDSHIP WORKS? YOU JUST DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT EACH OTHER? CG: HER LUSUS EXHIBITS THE PROPERTIES OF A LEGENDARY ENTITY CALLED A FIRST GUARDIAN. CG: IT IS AN ABSOLUTE MONSTROSITY.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: what properties? CG: OK, FOR STARTERS, NOTICE HOW THE FURIOUS WALL OF FIRE CURRENTLY RUSHING TOWARD YOU IS TURNING GREEN? EB: uh oh... CG: YEAH CG: THOSE FUCKING PROPERTIES.
|PESTERLOG|
CG: BUT IT'S A LOT MORE THAN THAT. CG: AS THE DEFENDERS OF THEIR PLANETS, THEY'RE VIRTUALLY OMNIPOTENT. CG: PROTOTYPING ONE IS ABSOLUTELY UNCONSCIONABLE.
|PESTERLOG|
CG: THE RESULT IS A BOSS A HELL OF A LOT WORSE THAN WHAT WE HAD TO FIGHT, AND WE PROTOTYPED TWELVE TIMES RATHER THAN A MEASLY FOUR. CG: AND ONE OF OUR PROTOTYPINGS INCLUDED AN OUTER FUCKING GOD THE SIZE OF A CITY! CG: I HOPE THIS PUTS IN PERSPECTIVE HOW TERRIBLE YOU ARE. EB: huh... EB: yeah, it kind of does. EB: i'm sorry karkat, i didn't realize we screwed up so bad.
|PESTERLOG|
CG: ALRIGHT WELL CG: I WASN'T EXPECTING YOU TO MAN UP AND APOLOGIZE FOR IT, SO OK I'LL GIVE YOU CREDIT FOR THAT. CG: BUT IT'S NOT STOPPING ME FROM DETESTING YOU AND IT SURE AS FUCK ISN'T GOING TO DERAIL THIS RUNAWAY HATE TRAIN, JUST SO YOU KNOW. EB: oh, yeah, i know. EB: you're really gonna tear me apart! EB: i just feel kind of bad i fell asleep, i don't know what came over me. EB: maybe i ate too much lasagna. CG: HEY, INOPPORTUNE NAPS HAPPEN IN THIS GAME. CG: EXCEPT TO ME, BEING THE STALWART MODEL OF LEADERSHIP I AM. CG: I MANAGED TO STAY AWAKE FOR SEVERAL WEEKS STRAIGHT, I DIDN'T WANT TO LET MY GUARD DOWN FOR A SECOND. CG: BUT THEN CG: AFTER IT WAS ALL OVER, AND WE RETREATED IN FAILURE CG: I FOOLISHLY DID. CG: AND THAT'S WHEN I SAW HIM.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: who? CG: JACK. CG: I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE HIM WHEN HE FIRST APPEARED. CG: BUT ON PROSPIT, I SAW HIM UP CLOSE, WITHOUT ALL THAT RIDICULOUS GREEN SHIT OBSCURING HIM. CG: I COULD HARDLY BELIEVE IT WAS REALLY HIM BY THE WAY HE LOOKED, BUT I JUST KNEW. CG: HE WAS WEARING A RING I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE, CERTAINLY NOT ONE BELONGING TO OUR QUEENS. CG: WE DESTROYED THOSE. CG: HE WORE IT ON HIS ONE HAND, WHICH WAS COVERED IN OUR MUTANT BLOOD. CG: AND THEN CG: JUST LIKE THAT CG: HE KILLED ME CG: AND I GUESS CG: EVEN THOUGH IT WAS PROBABLY JUST HIS WAY OF SAYING HI CG: I STILL FELT KIND OF BETRAYED. EB: betrayed? CG: YES JOHN. BETRAYED. EB: um, ok.
|PESTERLOG|
CG: WHEN I WOKE UP, EVERYONE HERE WAS BUZZING ABOUT THESE ALIENS CALLED HUMANS. CG: SO NATURALLY I'M LIKE WHO GIVES A SHIT, RIGHT? CG: WELL, WRONG. CG: I PRETTY QUICKLY DETERMINED THAT HE WAS FROM YOUR SESSION, NOT OURS. CG: SO HE WASN'T REALLY "MY JACK" CG: AND I WAS SORT OF RELIEVED CG: RELIEVED BUT ALSO ENRAGED CG: I'M SURE YOU KNOW THE FEELING. EB: er... EB: not really.
|PESTERLOG|
CG: ANYWAY, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED, AND THAT'S WHY YOU ARE SUCH A DISGRACE. CG: THIS IS PROBABLY THE LAST TIME I WILL EVER EXPLAIN ALL THIS STUFF TO YOU, BECAUSE I CAN'T IMAGINE IT WILL HELP MY HEADACHE MUCH TO REPEAT MYSELF. CG: I BET IT'LL BE PRETTY FRUSTRATING FOR YOU IN THE PAST! EB: i suppose it was... EB: but meh, it is all water under the bridge. EB: which is where trolls and their shenanigans belong! CG: HA HA! I'M LAUGHING MY ASS OFF AT YOUR FUNNY FUCKING JOKE. CG: I HOPE THIS IS THE CALIBER OF HUMOR I CAN EXPECT FROM YOU IN THE FUTURE-PAST, EGBERT. CG: IT'LL BE A REAL TREAT TROLLING YOU WITH MORE OF THOSE NUB SLAPPERS TO LOOK FORWARD TO! EB: oh, there will be lots of great material. just wait until i start handing out rabbits, you will love that. CG: WOW, WHAT A CRYPTIC STATEMENT. CG: CHECK THIS OUT, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. CG: ANYWAY, GUESS I'LL GET GOING AND LET YOU DIE IN YOUR FIRE, WHICH YOU REALLY SHOULD, BUT YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT GOING TO FOR SOME REASON. CG: I'VE GOT TO REWIND THE TAPE ON THIS CLUSTERFUCK AND FIGURE OUT WHAT WENT WRONG. EB: yeah, i should get going too. EB: my friend is pestering me, and i doubt she likes to be kept waiting. EB: (she is sort of the bossy type!) CG: WHY WOULD I CARE ABOUT YOUR DUMB HUMAN FRIEND AND HER PETULANT, MEANINGLESS DEMANDS. CG: WHAT COULD THAT POSSIBLY HAVE TO DO WITH ME. EB: ummm... EB: yeah, you're right, it is probably of no significance to you whatsoever. EB: (hehehehe) CG: A;SLDKJFSDLKFJS;LDJFLK;J CG: HERE, JOHN HUMAN DIPSHIT. CG: HAVE A SECOND AND PENULTIMATE FUCK YOU: CG: "FUCK" CG: "YOU" CG: MAY IT MARK THE SECOND OF MANY TO COME, AND THE MAGNIFICENT DENOUEMENT TO MANY RECEIVED. CG: TOGETHER WE JUST TUGGED AT THE BOW TO UNRAVEL A PRESENT FULL OF GO FUCK YOURSELF. CG: HAPPY WRIGGLING DAY YOU UGLY PILE OF TRASH.
|PESTERLOG|
-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --
AG: Psssssssst. AG: Hey 8rave leader. AG: John! AG: Stop ignoring me. My messages should receive top priority. AG: Who are you talking to? I don't appreciate 8eing snu88ed like this. How ungr8ful can you get! AG: Maaaaaaaan. AG: Come oooooooon........ EB: hey vriska, sorry to keep you waiting! AG: W8ting? AG: Oh! I guess so. I hardly even noticed! I am like this really huge deal, and have a lot of stuff to keep me 8usy, remem8er? EB: yeah, i know. EB: um, sorry to cut this short, but this isn't really the best time to chat! EB: i am in the middle of an ocean of oil that is ablaze with a lot of green fire. EB: i need to figure out a way to escape! EB: unfortunately, i fell asleep for some reason, and my bed landed here. EB: i can't believe i was so stupid. AG: Don't 8eat yourself up a8out it! AG: I was the one who put you to sleep. EB: you were? AG: Yeah! EB: um... EB: you can do that? AG: Yes, that seems to 8e the limit to what I can do to your primitive species. AG: I guess our 8rains don't really work the same way? Who knows! EB: hmm. EB: what do you mean, "limit"? EB: are you saying you can usually do more than that? AG: Duh! So much more, John. I have a lot of gr8 powers. AG: When we have more time, I will tell you all a8out them. EB: ok, that is pretty cool i guess... EB: but... EB: why??? EB: why would you put me to sleep and put me in this predicament? AG: John, soon you will understand that you are meant to rise to gr8tness. AG: This can't possi8ly happen unless you are challenged. AG: There will 8e times when your limits are tested. This is one of those times! AG: I know this 8ecause I can see your future right here in front of me. You should trust me! EB: ok, but... EB: i kind of get that, but it's also kind of odd... EB: if you're seeing my future, and you know those things are the outcome, then why are you going back and... EB: i guess, involving yourself with these events? see what i mean? AG: Oh John, this should 8e so o8vious to you 8y now. AG: You are going to 8ecome a gr8 hero, that much is sure. AG: 8ut I want to 8e the one responsi8le for it! AG: And now I am pretty much guaranteed to 8e. AG: ::::) EB: ok, that... EB: SORT OF makes sense, i guess. EB: but it's kind of hurting my head to think about! AG: You don't have to think! Just leave the thinking to me. AG: All you have to do is dig deep down, find your hero powers, and get yourself out of this jam. AG: You can do it, John. 8e the hero! AG: Just like in one of your movies a8out sweaty, rugged adult human males. EB: ah HA! EB: so you did watch that video I sent. EB: what did you think?
|PESTERLOG|
AG: It was ok. AG: I admit it was a little 8etter than I expected. EB: yessssssss, i knew it! AG: 8ut who cares! Let's not get sidetracked 8y films a8out wounded, muscular renegades. AG: 8y the way, John, have you ever considered growing your hair out? AG: I 8et it would look fa8ulous. EB: no, it would look so stupid! AG: I don't know a8out that! AG: I have an eye for fashion. 8 of them, in fact! EB: i thought you didn't want to get sidetracked!!! AG: Oh yeah. Whoops. ::::\ EB: anyway, putting me to sleep and landing me in hot water is one thing... EB: but you sort of indirectly caused a MUCH BIGGER problem! EB: before i fell asleep, i was about to prototype something really ridiculous to make jack weaker. EB: i am pretty sure that it would have made jack lose both eyes, both arms, and give him silly blue hair, and possibly also make him be a girl? EB: he probably would have been pretty easy to beat!!! EB: but instead, it was prototyped by jade's first guardian dog lusus. EB: and now he is unstoppable! EB: and he becomes the one who is stirrin' up all that trouble in your session too! EB: i mean, it sounds like your intentions were good, but you probably didn't realize to what extent you were messing everything up! AG: Don't 8e a8surd, John. AG: Of course I realized that would happen. AG: It was pretty much the whole point, you goof! EB: what???????? EB: vriska, why would you do that! AG: Jegus, calm down. EB: but! EB: no! EB: why should i calm down when you just said you deliberately sabotaged all of us? AG: Relaaaaaaaax. AG: Listen, John. AG: Regardless of what I did, he is already here. AG: I know this consequence will 8e hard for you to accept, 8ut whenever you feel angry or confused a8out it, just repeat this to yourself. AG: It should 8ecome your mantra! AG: He is already here. AG: Say it, John! EB: but what does that mean! AG: It means what it sounds like! He's already here!!!!!!!! AG: Here in our session, trying to hunt us down! Man, this should 8e elementary to you 8y now. AG: No matter what you or I or any of us did, Jack's here now. That's the reality! AG: And if I didn't stop you, it wouldn't have changed the reality for us here. We'd still 8e hiding on this rock, and he'd still 8e out there, sniffing around for us. AG: He wouldn't just disappear! That's not how this time stuff works. AG: All that REALLY would have happened is I would have allowed you to do something you weren't supposed to do! AG: You would have prototyped with your pretty 8lue doll, 8ecause of course deep down you know you are o8sessed with me. AG: And then you and all your friends would exist in a splintered timeline. And you wouldn't even 8e a8le to talk to me anymore! ::::( AG: And then you'd 8e doooooooomed. AG: I mean, more doomed than you are already. :::;) AG: Trust me, I am really smart. I have this all figured out. EB: i don't know if that makes sense! EB: i mean, it kind of does... EB: but something doesn't really add up about it. EB: if you knew he was going to be created regardless of what anyone did... EB: why did you decide to involve yourself that way? EB: like the way you are involving yourself with me becoming a hero or whatever? AG: You just answered your own question! AG: I did it 8ecause I wanted to 8e the one responsi8le for cre8ting him. EB: augh! EB: BUT WHYYYYYYYY! AG: 8ecause, John. AG: It only makes sense that I would be the one to cre8te him. AG: Since I am also going to 8e the one to kill him.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: that is the dumbest thing i have ever heard. AG: Don't 8e that way. AG: Just 8ecause you have your whole reckoning ahead of you to kill Jack, and somehow fail, doesn't mean you have to 8e 8itter a8out it. EB: i am not bitter! i just think your plan is dumb. EB: if he is as strong as karkat says, he will probably kill you! AG: Karkat doesn't know nothing a8out anything. AG: He never really appreci8ted how powerful I 8ecame. No8ody did! I am easily the strongest troll 8y far. AG: I am also extremely lucky! That is one of my powers, John. 8eing super lucky, and making my foes super UNlucky. ::::) EB: er... EB: is luck actually a real thing? AG: Yes, and I've got all of it. I am completely untoucha8le. EB: you sound pretty cocky! you should be careful about that, that is totally how people have bigtime downfalls. EB: especially when they act kind of nefarious!!! AG: Nope, I don't have to 8e careful! Too lucky for caution to matter anymore. Them's the 8r8ks! AG: 8ut don't worry, once all is said and done in your session, and 8y some incredi8ly lucky 8r8k of your own you manage to survive the scratch, we might actually get the chance to meet. AG: And if so, assuming I haven't gotten too 8ored w8ting around and mopped the floor with Jack already, may8e we can take him down together! EB: wow, uh... EB: i am not sure who would make me more nervous, you or jack. AG: John, that's something a loser would say, come on. AG: You should have no reason to 8e scared of me. AG: 8y the time I am through with you, you should 8e even stronger than me. AG: This is the way it ought to 8e, I think. ::::D EB: you really think we will meet? AG: It is a distinct possi8ility. EB: so... EB: um, if we meet... EB: are you going to... EB: uh. AG: What? EB: like, EB: when you see me, AG: John, what the hell are you trying to say? EB: karkat said that... EB: you might... AG: Whaaaaaaaat???????? EB: oh jeez, i dunno. EB: never mind. AG: You shouldn't listen to anything that loudmouth says. AG: He had his shot 8eing in charge, and failed misera8ly. AG: It's my turn now. Scratch that. AG: OUR turn. EB: bluhhhhhhhh. EB: if you say so. AG: Now quit whining and get yourself out of this mess. AG: Dig deep down inside that pink, nerdy little torso of yours, find your awesome hero mojo, and do what you're a8out to do. AG: I will talk to you again after you figure it out. AG: 8yyyyyyyye! <3 EB: wait!
|PESTERLOG|
-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --
AG: Fly, Pupa!!!!!!!! AG: Flyyyyyyyy! AG: Hahahahahahahaha! EB: oh, hey. EB: who's pupa? AG: No8ody, just some loser. AG: Look at that, you did it! EB: did what? EB: you mean, this windy thing here?
"I slept and saw God's forge in frost. Its hearth was quelled, and as it cooled so swooned the verdancy it kept above. In slumber it grew a thick winter skin, white as bedsheets. In their folds the waker dreamt, her breath as steam, her touch as hot as iron, forgotten in the fire.
Oh, that this too too solid flesh would melt, thaw and resolve itself into a dew!"
-Acclaimed actor and sleeping prophet, Charles Dutton
|PESTERLOG|
cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG]
CC: Glub glub glub glub glub! GG: oh............. GG: noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo CC: )(ey, take it easy! CC: I'm not )(ere to give you a )(ard time like my buddies )(ave been. GG: but youre a troll GG: and thats what trolls do! GG: even when they say they wont GG: sometimes especially!!!!!! CC: Ok t)(en, you can be t)(e judge of t)(at. I won't be long! CC: I've just come to say a couple t)(ings. CC: FIRST! CC: None of t)(is is really your fault! CC: T)(is is swimmingly obvious to everyone )(ere w)(o takes a glubbing moment to t)(ink about it rationally. CC: W)(ic)( isn't many of us! But still. GG: ok..... GG: even though i still have no idea what youre talking about CC: I mean, your lusus jumped rig)(t in t)(ere to save you! CC: Just like mine did. CC: Well ok, mine was dead at t)(e time. 38( CC: And s)(e just kind of... CC: F-ELL IN! CC: Kinda drifted down like fis)(food, and POW, GL'BGOLYBSPRIT-E. CC: )(e)(e)(e)(e)(e)(e)(. S)(e was so funny. GG: whats a lusus!!!!! CC: It's a big ol' monster custodian you grow up wit)(! CC: S)(-E-ES)(, )(ow freaking retarded do you )(ave to be not to know somet)(ing like t)(at? CC: I'm joking, of course. 38) GG: :\ CC: I wanted to glub somet)(ing -ELS-E to you well before you started playing. CC: Just to get t)(e idea in your )(ead! CC: I am Feferi, by t)(e way. Abdicated empress to be! GG: ok feferi. what is it? CC: Soon I will go to sleep and speak to t)(e gods. CC: I will convince t)(em to establis)( a series of stable dream bubbles, w)(ere we can meet in our sleep! GG: i dont understand GG: whats a dream bubble? CC: YOU'LL S-E----------E! 38D GG: ugh GG: feferi i thought you said you were going to stop using your typing quirk! CC: Did I? CC: When?? GG: i dont know... im sure i remember you said that CC: )(mm. CC: Jade, t)(is is t)(e first time we )(ave ever talked! CC: Isn't it??? GG: oh GG: yeah it is GG: i dont know what i was thinking.... GG: i just had a major case of deja vu! CC: W)(at's t)(at? GG: i felt like we already had this conversation GG: actually GG: it still sort of feels that way GG: its not going away :o CC: Well, maybe we did! CC: )(ey, by t)(e way. CC: W)(at exactly are you doing t)(ere wit)( t)(at toy? CC: You never did explain it to me!
|PESTERLOG|
GG: ummm GG: what do you mean i never explained it to you? GG: if this really is the first time we talked, why would i have? CC: Good point. CC: Maybe I'm feeling it too. CC: I )(ave... w)(at was it? Orca vu? GG: XO GG: feferi that one was a stretch even by your fish punnery standards GG: aaah why do i know that you like to make fish puns??? CC: 38? GG: actually GG: i do remember this conversation GG: it was in the past! GG: but if it was in the past, then where am i now? CC: In the future! Duh. GG: so what is going on? GG: i dont think i am asleep.... GG: i am not on prospit CC: Yes, you are asleep. But your dream self died, just like mine, remember? GG: oh... GG: vaguely CC: Now you don't dream about Prospit. You have normal dreams! GG: so this is a dream? CC: It is a dream, and a memory. It is the past, brought back to life by a witch! It's all those things. CC: Although we are getting off the script here! CC: This is not how the conversation originally went, obviously. CC: You were a lot less patient with me! When I was just trying to ENCOURAGE you. GG: sorry GG: i think GG: i am in the game now, right? CC: Sure! CC: Hey, why don't you tell me about this cool robot bunny you we're making? CC: I've been pretty glubbing curious about it! CC: Mind if I take a look? GG: um
|PESTERLOG|
CC: It's great! CC: Wish I could make something like this. Never had the gills for technology. CC: Hard to work with under water! GG: why are you here! GG: are you asleep too? CC: Nope! CC: I woke up from my nap a while ago. CC: Remember how I woke up and then messaged you? You had just had a bad dream! CC: And I told you there was nothing to be scared of. CC: Which there isn't! GG: oh yeah GG: i do remember that GG: then why are you here now?
She should understand that a queen is the sum of her decisions, not her fashion accessories. And no queen makes decisions alone. All wise rulers surround themselves with trusted advisors.
The new queen should understand she has friends to help her.
|SPRITELOG|
JADE: what happened in here? JADE: where is everything? all the globes and houseguests... JADE: and the cruxtruder??? JADE: and grandpa??????????? JADE: bec, what did you do! JADE: has someone been a bad dog?? JADE: wait never mind, please dont answer that!!!! JADE: @_@
|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --
TG: hey TG: welcome to the medium finally i guess GG: hey!!!!! GG: last time i talked to you i was asking for help and you were just nakking at me GG: what was up with that bro??? TG: ok i dont know what youre talking about it was probably just some horrorterror chirping at you during one of your nap bubble mindfucks TG: its not the point i just wanted to say TG: i just saw you GG: you did? TG: yeah TG: you appeared for a second TG: shooting at an imp TG: then you disappeared GG: ohhhhhhh GG: yes, i did get around during that battle didnt i? GG: it was really intense!!! GG: those stupid things are impossible to kill :( TG: no you can kill them TG: youll get better dont worry GG: in the heat of the fray i didnt notice you! GG: where were you? TG: three places TG: i remember seeing you twice before in different locations TG: but at the moment im standing in the middle of this snowy goddamn field freezing my shit off TG: just wanted to see if you were cool GG: yeah im fine, thanks for asking! GG: what do you mean you remember seeing me? GG: was i jumping through time or something? TG: no i was TG: this is future me TG: one of the future mes that is GG: youre from the future? TG: yeah jade thats what future me means GG: :p GG: john told me you have been doing some time traveling TG: yeah GG: that is..... GG: really really awesome! TG: its ok TG: hey its pretty fucking cold GG: i knoooooow GG: it is a really neat place but its freeeeezing :o TG: so im gonna go some place warm be back in a while later
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --
GG: wait! GG: dave!! GG: uuugh stupid lousy cool dudes
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --
TG: ok im back TG: an hour later GG: an hour? TG: an hour for me TG: a second for you TG: i ran around for an hour got my ass some place warm TG: went back in time TG: picked up where we left off GG: :O GG: i can not believe how cool that is GG: this is me believing neither that, nor its coolness :O TG: yeah TG: i guess im sorta used to it by now i dont think of hours going by the same way anymore TG: i mean TG: they are my hours but not everyone elses theyre kind of like private hours all to myself TG: while everyone else is sort of in slow motion stuck in the thick of the alpha GG: hmmmm... GG: i dont know if i get that but ok! TG: well yeah TG: my thing is time yours is space TG: pretty different things TG: you GET things about space i dont TG: or you will GG: i will? TG: yup GG: ok........ GG: but anyway youre right, its coooold!!!!!! GG: i have to go back inside GG: i wish i had winter clothes GG: and if i did, i ALSO wish that my wardrobifier didnt blow up with all of my beautiful clothes inside it :C GG: im so horribly unprepared for this.... i have never even seen snow before, can you believe that!!! TG: pretty believable since you lived on guam or wherever the fuck TG: and also inside an active volcano GG: derp yes dave that is so where i lived GG: that is as biographically accurate as it gets about me! TG: well ive never seen it either now that i think about it GG: no??? TG: no GG: isnt it great????? TG: nah TG: lavas better GG: lava is NOT better than snow :| TG: yeah it is lava and skeletal skyscrapers all melting and shit how is that not way cooler than TG: snow and TG: like TG: more snow GG: you cant play in lava, its no fun GG: you can only die in lava TG: snows a big chilly carpet of nobody gives a shit TG: like old man winter spread around his nasty mayonnaise and turned the landscape into his personal asshole sandwich GG: eww dave no TG: when i look around all i see is the miles of unharnessed snowmen im just too damn cool to build GG: no this is so lame GG: i am hearing an insane and stupid guy say stupid idiot things while wearing dumb sunglasses for lame morons! TG: whoa jade with the fucking haymaker TG: i need to go look for my teeth on the canvas as soon as shit stops spinning and there stops being like ten of you GG: heheheh GG: why dont we play in the snow later GG: as soon as you get some.................................... TG: time GG: .............................. TG: time GG: ................... TG: time then shades GG: .......... TG: time GG: ............... TG: time/shades lets go GG: ....... GG: .... GG: ... TG: oh my fucking god GG: .. GG: . GG: time 8) TG: im not gonna play in the snow TG: maybe you missed those credentials i flashed which clearly stated me being too cool for that TG: like federally too cool TG: my coolness is named after a dead president plus his middle initial to make it sound extra legit GG: i know youre joking around, you are not too cool at all, you dont even think that TG: ok GG: brrrrrr TG: i thought you were going inside GG: i forgot :\ TG: well at least make some damn clothes TG: something warmer why dont you alchemize some shit GG: i cant!!! GG: all that stuff blew up TG: blew up GG: its a long story that involves a pinata and a gun and a very naughty doggie TG: i completely understand everything about that practically entirely GG: so anyway, that reminds me ive got to talk to john! GG: ive got to get him to make me some new gizmos... GG: assuming thats even possible TG: no dont bother john
|PESTERLOG|
TG: hes on like his fuckin TG: wind mission or whatever TG: getting all his ridiculous magic cyclone powers on and realizing his huge blowy destiny TG: as the chump of shoosh GG: john has magic cyclone powers? TG: almost GG: whoa.... GG: you guys are all so much better than me, i feel sooooo lame TG: we all start out somewhere TG: remember how i was scrambling up that tower to get that egg like an idiot TG: what the hell was i doing TG: i was like goddamn pooh bear in a tree reaching up his fat fuckin pooh paw for some mother fuckin honey GG: heehee TG: so even though im awesome now at one point i was plausibly likened to an autistic stuffed animal TG: and you even knew what to do TG: you told me how it worked all christopher robinning my ignorant ass about that egg TG: but i was all like IM A LITTLE BLACK RAIN CLOUD BITCH WATCH ME CLIMB TG: so maybe youre startin out with more sense than me GG: maaaybe GG: :) TG: in any case egbert lost his computer and game disc TG: so he cant do anything for you anyways GG: oh no GG: did he lose it in a magic cyclone? TG: probably some shit like thats what happened TG: but youre not completely screwed TG: we just have to think outside the box here GG: we do? TG: yeah honestly i figured wed have to do something like this TG: so i guess here we are doing it GG: doing what?? TG: well youre my server player remember GG: yes TG: i need you to deploy something first TG: in my apartment TG: in a few hours ill go back there and we can continue this GG: oh jeez, a few hours????
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --
TG: yeah TG: as in a few seconds TG: im back at my place now GG: fastest hours :o TG: yeah TG: now TG: deploy the intellibeam laserstation GG: but that costs so much grist!!! TG: no it costs practically nothing TG: check out how much ive got GG: omg...
|PESTERLOG|
GG: what does this thing do? TG: its mostly pretty stupid and useless TG: but itll come in handy here TG: it reads captcha codes GG: on the back of cards? TG: yeah GG: but GG: we can already read those! TG: some are too garbled and complicated TG: the human eye cant decipher them TG: needs sophisticated scanning technology TG: and artificial intelligence to figure it out GG: hmm GG: but isnt the whole point of captchas that only humans can read them? GG: and not robots??? TG: yeah well TG: thats why this is so dumb
|PESTERLOG|
TG: i guess some captchas are so incomprehensible cause the game thinks it would be too cheap to let you duplicate them TG: like an anti piracy measure TG: so the solution to the anti piracy measure is to override the anti spam measure GG: anti spam? TG: well yeah thats what captchas are for TG: and theyre on the back of cards for a really good reason TG: cause god knows the last thing youd want was some web bot being able to figure out the code for like TG: a potted plant TG: that would be fucking mayhem GG: yeah obviously! TG: but in order to effectively cheat here weve got to open pandoras spam box TG: and release the laserstation into the world with its leering intellibeam TG: now no captcha is safe youll have bots signing up for email accounts and duplicating potted plants and shit GG: oh nooo TG: basically robots are in control now TG: which is good news and bad news TG: the bad news is theyre all pornbots and theyve got LOADS of provocative material theyre just dying to share with us GG: whats the good news? TG: thats also the good news GG: dave i still dont know what youre actually doing here TG: whats it look like TG: im duplicating my server disc
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GG: oh.... GG: to give it to john? TG: nah i told you were not bothering john TG: hes got shit to do TG: ill just install it GG: but... GG: you are already roses server player! GG: and john is mine! GG: not to mention im yours!!! GG: can you really be a server player to your own server player? TG: dont see why not TG: we have to get creative here TG: this games already so far off the rails what else is there to do but improvise GG: but i guess GG: i thought that john sort of..... GG: HAD to be my server? you know? TG: well he was TG: he got you in didnt he TG: but now hes not TG: been a change of plans TG: time to roll with it
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GG: well youre from the future right? GG: dont you know already if itll work? TG: yeah more or less TG: i never really studied how it went down all that closely TG: i just figured when the time came to sort it out the right thing to do would be obvious TG: like it is now TG: managing the loops is a balance of careful planning and just rolling with your in the moment decisions TG: and trusting they were the ones you were always supposed to make TG: by now im pretty used to having my intuition woven into the fabric of the alpha timeline GG: pretty smooth dave TG: yeah i know GG: shades for everybody GG: 8) 8)
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TG: thisll be the disc i use for your connection TG: while the original will stay bound to roses connection GG: so you will be the server for BOTH us ladies??? GG: you just keep getting smoother, i cant handle all this smoothness TG: well technically TG: i will be your server TG: and past me will stay as roses server TG: which is to say present me will TG: the one in the black suit GG: ohh... GG: i guess that makes sense TG: he can keep managing her for a while TG: until she sorta checks out soon and becomes totally useless TG: then he can start hopping around time like i did TG: make a ton of money and stuff TG: eventually become me TG: and become your server player GG: ok i think i understand that! TG: yeah see its not hard to get the hang of TG: in the meantime ill kind of loiter around this timeframe to help you out for a while GG: yessss thanks dave <3 GG: um GG: what do you mean rose will check out? :\ TG: dont worry about it just some more future stuff TG: now i need you to go downstairs GG: uhhhh ok
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TG: im just going to cut right to the chase and upgrade your alchemiter so you can avoid a lot of bullshit TG: ill give you some codes and you can punch cards and slip em into jumper blocks TG: which are really the exact same codes you first gave me when we upgraded my alchemiter TG: which seems like a hella long time ago GG: it does doesnt it TG: yeah but it kind of literally is for me GG: how long? TG: few days i guess GG: ok thats not THAT long :p TG: whatever
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-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --
TT: Hi there. TG: nak nak nak TT: Don't mind me. TT: I'm just waiting for that guy on the pile of sharp objects to wake up. TG: THE GLASSES ARE TALKING AGAIN TG: naknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknak TT: If you don't stop nakking, I will turn you into a thorn bush. TG: :V TG: :( TG: hey TG: what just happened
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TT: You fell asleep. TT: Orange Bird Dave killed some monsters and flew away. TT: Jade fired a bullet at an imp and vanished. TT: And you woke up. TG: oh yeah TG: so shes here then TT: Yes. TG: is she ok what was going on there TT: Yes, she's fine. TG: i guess i should catch up with her TT: You already are. TG: i am TT: Future you is. TG: oh ok time travels involved TG: thats all you needed to say everythings cool and under control then TT: How was the nap? TG: weird TG: and kind of boring TG: i was in your dream room for a while spying on you TG: being all creepy and dream duplicitous and shit TT: It's ok. TT: I was being similarly wake duplicitous. TG: whats with your book collection TG: or TG: dream book collection TG: all your books are bizarre and terrible TT: No, my books are great. TT: I can recommend some good titles for the next time you're asleep. TG: nah TG: but yeah i understand defending your collection i guess if you were in my dream room and talking shit about my awesome dream portraits of dream stiller and dream snoop or whatever wed have to have a fucking talk TT: Did you do anything on the moon besides rifle through my belongings? TT: Such as remove your shades and turn your gaze Ringward, by any chance? TG: oh TG: yeah TG: i did TT: What did you see? TG: horrible things TT: Horribleterrible? TG: yeah TG: it was like TG: peering through the dark portal of an eldritch red lobster TG: and scoping out its all you can eat seafood buffet TG: and TG: when i saw them TG: their voices became clearer TT: What were they saying? TG: i couldnt really focus on anything specific TG: but TG: in totality TG: im pretty sure it was TG: like TT: ? TG: a plea for help
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TT: That's good. TG: no it was disturbing TG: so i slapped my shades back on TG: went and perved up some sleeping girls room to take my mind of it TT: It means they're reaching out to you. TG: oh god why would i want that TG: im not about to get molested by calamari with fucking teeth TG: use your powers and like TG: stroke a mummys paw or some horseshit and open a dark channel TG: tell them to keep their lecherous flagella to themselves TT: You're going to have to help them. TT: Even if you don't like them. TT: They're being massacred. TT: Presently, already, and still to come. TG: whats that mean TT: It means time doesn't work rationally out there. TT: Nor does space. TT: But that doesn't change the reality of the threat. TG: who cares if theyre getting killed TG: theyre hideous and obnoxious TT: You're underestimating the nature of the threat. TT: At this point, the threat isn't to our session, or any given universe. TT: It's to the perpetuation of reality itself. TT: You wouldn't be saving them, per se. TT: You'd be saving everything. TG: oh ok cool
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TT: They've revealed some of their secrets to me already, and given me a few errands to run. TT: This is why you might have observed some unusual behavior from me. TG: oh shit youre kidding TG: no really are you serious i didnt even notice TG: fuck mind = blown TT: Once these convulsions of explosive laughter subside and finish rocking my very foundation, TT: I might point out that you haven't really been as astute as you're implying. TT: You've deliberately fogged your vision your entire life with ironic eyewear while awake, and while asleep, though perfectly alert, you've chosen to ignore your surroundings. TT: But now that you've seen them, you have a choice to make. TG: ok TT: They will only tell me so much. TT: They would like an audience with the prince of the moon as well. TT: We are like the emissaries to what lies beyond this small bubble in their unfathomable dark foam. TT: Derse skirts its edge, and during the lunar eclipse, we graze it, and that's when their intent for us becomes clear. TT: I'm doing my part, but they have a mission for you as well. TG: what am i supposed to do TT: Listen to them. TT: My understanding is, TT: They will teach you how to navigate the unnavigable. TT: The result should be a map. TG: like TG: a treasure map TT: No. TT: Something a little more astronomical. TT: Like a star chart with no stars. TT: Hence the challenge. TG: why TT: To plot a course through the Furthest Ring. TG: plot a course to what
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TT: The power source of the first guardians. TG: oh right the green sun ok TG: wait sorry TG: i mean the <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/greensun.gif" border="0" /> my bad TT: Yes, that's much better. TG: whats the deal with this thing TG: i mean aside from giving jades dog his devil powers TG: and by extension i guess jack TT: What's the deal with it? TG: yeah TT: I don't know that there is a deal with it. TT: Beyond the deal you just described. TT: It is what it sounds like. TT: A huge sun out in the literal middle of nowhere, and it is bright green. TT: It is simply, TT: The <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/greensun.gif" border="0" />. TG: how big TG: i need a sense of scale here TG: is it like the size of our sun TG: or bigger TG: or is it only as big as like TG: planet fucking jupiter TT: It is nearly twice the mass of our universe. TG: ok thats pretty fucking big TG: see how important that contextualization was now i know how fucking impressed i should be TG: i mean hopy shit thats huge TT: Happy I could help. TG: so ok i make a map to this thing TG: with the help of a million rambunctious gross tentacle mutants TG: and then i guess we go there for some reason TT: Yes. TG: why do we need a map TG: cant they just TG: tell us what direction its in TG: point a spaceship that way TG: blast off to adventure TT: No. TT: The geometry of the Furthest Ring is too complex. TT: Remember, its spacetime is labyrinthine. TT: In fact, it's not really accurate to call it spacetime at all. TT: Since it is outside the domain of any created universe, where those properties have become instantiated and stabilized. TG: i can kind of get that time is messed up there TG: with like loops and causality paradoxes and shit like that TG: being the knight of time here TG: not really sure why navigating the space would be a problem though TG: space isnt my thing remember TG: what is it like TG: full of wormholes or something TT: It depends. TT: The greater the distance you travel through it, the less reliably time flows. TT: And the more time you spend in it, the less reliably space behaves. TT: Time and space aren't as different as you might think. TG: i thought you werent supposed to know shit about either TG: seeing as youre the seer whatever that means TT: I think it means I'm supposed to know shit about the big picture. TT: Which includes tidbits like that. TT: But the insides of my shoes stay free from the grit of the minutia. TG: fair enough TG: so i take my map and fly to this thing TT: No, I do. TG: ok you fly to it TG: then what TT: That depends on if John is successful.
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TG: you mean with the quest youre sending him on TT: Yes. TG: is there anything you do thats not sending dudes on quests TT: Nothing whatsoever. TG: so hes got to get the cancer out of skaia right TT: Yes, The Tumor. TG: yeah TG: so whats The Tumordo TG: i mean the tumor TG: jesus can we stop with the fancy colored text bullshit TT: I guess so. TT: I thought it was more fun that way. TG: well ok you can keep doing it then TT: Thanks. TT: <black>The Tumor</black> is quite a large growth at the center of the battlefield. TT: He won't be able to remove it without fully realizing his abilities. TG: ok cool what is it TT: Can you promise you won't tell him? TT: It would probably make him more nervous than he needs to be if he knew. TG: ok i wont say anything TG: just tell me TT: It's a bomb.
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TT: It is set to detonate precisely when the reckoning ends. TT: This is how long we have to put this plan into motion. TG: what the hell is a bomb doing in there TT: It could be a feature of any session not meant to bear fruit. TT: A means to wipe out a null session rather than leaving it lingering in paradox space for eternity. TT: Or it could be a mutation specific to our session. TT: I really don't know. TG: first time for everything i guess TG: seriously whered you get all this info TG: did you get it all from the gods TG: are these just a bunch of orders youre following TT: Not exactly. TT: They've urged me in certain directions and guided my exploration. TT: I've obtained some answers from them, but ultimately, this idea is mine. TT: Plus, I have other sources. TT: One in particular has been quite illuminating. TG: what TT: I've been referring to him as an informant, when people ask. TT: Which isn't often. TG: what you mean a troll TT: No. TT: It's a man who exists in another universe. TT: He wants to die. TG: sounds like a really credible dude sign me up for trusting everything he says TT: Only as credible as the omniscient tend to be. TG: oh so he knows everything TT: Yeah, I think that's what omniscient means. TT: But maybe I'll ask him about that, since he's the omniscient one. TG: even if he is omniscient which he probably isnt what if hes just lying TT: He says he doesn't lie. TT: For some reason, I believe him about that. TT: He's a convincing fellow. TG: whys he want to die TT: He no longer has a purpose now that he's done everything required to summon his master. TT: As a first guardian, he's completely indestructible. TT: Well, almost completely. TG: wait TG: what TT: His power is derived from the same source as Earth's guardian. TT: And conveniently, that of our nemesis as well. TG: ok i get it now TT: When John delivers the tumor, TT: And I do mean The Tumor, TT: I and I alone will navigate the Furthest Ring. TT: And I will destroy the sun. TT: By which I do mean the <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/greenmotherfuckingsun.gif" border="0" />. TT: And in case it wasn't clear, TT: I won't be coming back.
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TG: whoa fuck TG: a suicide mission are you serious TG: no bullshit thats not happening TG: hey look suddenly everything we just talked about was useless because its time to make a plan that doesnt fucking suck TT: Let's not be so dramatic. TT: I was talking about my dream self. TT: She's the one who won't be returning. TG: oh TG: haha yeah thats fine i guess TG: those fuckers are all kinds of mad expendable TG: way to leave me hanging there TG: for someone whos saying lets cool it on the drama the whole i wont be coming back thing is a pretty theatrical bombshell TG: for future reference TT: That's true. TT: Your outburst was pretty sweet though. TG: yeah i know TG: so when do i do my thing TG: make this map TG: which i guess is just like TG: a solid black piece of paper TG: this is going to be fucking stupid isnt it TT: If there's one thing you have more than any of us, it's time. TT: So, whenever you like. TT: As long as conventionally speaking, it's quite soon. TG: alright TG: so TG: dog it as long as possible TG: then travel back to about now and go to sleep TT: Sure. TT: And if you have trouble going to sleep, maybe you can ask your patron troll to trick the telepathic one into putting you to sleep again. TG: what TT: Each of us seems to have a troll infatuated with helping us. Haven't you noticed? TG: no TT: What about the psychopath who's currently helping you? TG: oh yeah terezi TG: no shes cool TT: Isn't that camaraderie blossoming into some sort of interspecies whatever? TG: its blossoming into an interspecies partnership in incredibly shitty cartooning TG: what do you mean get her to trick someone into putting me asleep again TG: when did that happen TT: Just now. TG: who did that TT: That would be John's patron troll. TG: god TG: fuckin trolls TG: too many of them who can even keep track of this shit TG: which ones yours TG: is it the absurd juggalo one that would be hilarious TT: There's a juggalo one? TG: yeah see what i mean TT: She's contacting me now actually. TG: oh ok TG: well im suddenly not interested so go talk to your fairy god troll TG: ill be over here paving the way for your elaborate dream suicide TG: when i feel like getting around to it i mean TT: Thanks. TG: later
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-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
GA: Since The Gap Between Your Present Moment And The Implementation Of Your Mystifying Self Destruction Continues To Narrow GA: This Will Be The Last Conversation In Which I Attempt To Talk You Out Of It Nicely TT: I explained this. TT: The intent isn't true self sacrifice. GA: First Of All Youre Underestimating The Gravity Of A Dream Death GA: Its A Pretty Serious Thing Okay GA: And Dream Selves Are Important To A Person In Ways That Arent Always Obvious GA: I Think Youre Being Frivolous But Thats Not Really The Sentiment Reinforcing The Exoskeleton Of My Argument GA: Soon You Will Be Blacked Out Of Trollians Viewport GA: And I Have No Explanation For This GA: And Neither Do You GA: So Ill Just Assume The Worst And You Should Too TT: Are you sure it's not because I'm sleeping? GA: Ive Seen You Sleep Before GA: You Are Just GA: Asleep GA: On Screen GA: Peaceful And Harmless And Posing No Threat To Anyone GA: Unless I Guess You Are Up To Mischief In Your Dreams Which I Cannot Rule Out GA: Actually Thats Probably What You Do In Your Sleep What Was I Thinking TT: Shh... GA: Uh GA: What TT: Blah blah blah! GA: Right Sorry GA: Im Saying This Is A Special Case GA: It Is Foreboding And Disconcerting And You Are Being Reckless TT: You're right, I can't explain why I go dark on your monitor. TT: But I'm confident in my plan. I have it under control. GA: Your Hubris Is Really Astonishing GA: Easily Twice The Mass Of A Universe I Think GA: That It Hasnt Collapsed Upon Itself Into A Tiny Lavender Singularity Is The Most Striking Marvel Paradox Space Has Coughed Up Yet TT: Maybe it did? TT: Maybe that's what went wrong. TT: We figured it out! GA: No Please Stop GA: Humor Wont Deflect My Really Big And Important Tirade Okay GA: You Are Investing Too Much Confidence In Evil Gods Who Oppose Skaia And Your True Purpose And GA: I Cant Abide That GA: And GA: As Difficult As This Is For Me To Confess GA: I Think Your Plan Is Very Dangerous GA: And So Are You TT: Oh? GA: Yes GA: And GA: Im Afraid I Am Going To Have To Devote All My Efforts To Stopping You TT: I'm sorry to hear that, Kanaya. TT: What did you have in mind for this new and exciting adversarial phase of our relationship? GA: Im So Glad You Asked GA: You See GA: I Have Been Training A Powerful Wizard TT: !
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GA: Yes Your Shout Pole Is Like A Tower Broadcasting Your Fear Across The Ring And You Are Right To Be Afraid GA: I Have Commissioned None Other Than The Legendary Prince Of Hope And I Am Teaching Him The Ways Of White Sorcery GA: I Have Observed Your Methods And You Will Come To The Most Unwelcome Realization That All Of Your Guile And Cunning Has Finally Backfired GA: This Noble Magician Of Pure Light Will Serve As The Counterpoint To Your Arcane Debauchery GA: He Will Hunt You Down And Goodness And Hope Will Prevail TT: Is it too late to throw myself at your mercy? GA: Yes Its Much Too Late For That
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TT: I see. TT: Then clearly I will have to prepare for this soul sundering duel, whilst making my own funeral arrangements. GA: Oh Yes I Do Believe Securing A Corpse Box Would Be Prudent GA: Fitted To Dimensions Suited To Your Myriad Of Unassembled Leaky Body Parts In Aggregate TT: What will herald the arrival of this swift and righteous thaumaturge? TT: Will I be blinded by the fearsome lashes of light ribboning from the incandescent coastline of his beauteous aura? TT: Should I borrow my friend's sunglasses? GA: Yes Definitely GA: Definitely Do That GA: Wait I Hope That Wasnt Too Emphatic GA: Maybe At This Point I Should Clarify This Is All A Big Joke TT: Yeah. TT: I was getting that. TT: You don't always have to tip your hand, Kanaya. You were doing well. GA: I Was TT: Mm-hm. GA: Okay Great GA: I Think What I Find Most Challenging About Human Insincerity Based Humor Is The Degree Of Commitment To The Fantasy Which Is Apparently Requisite TT: We take it very seriously. GA: I Mean To Say GA: The Gesture Of Hostility In This Case Was The Joke GA: I Did In Fact "Train" This Character GA: I Made Him A Wand To Shut Him Up TT: Wait, you did? Really? GA: He Wouldnt Stop Harassing Me For Your "Secrets" TT: That's incredible. Well done. GA: Hes The One With The Royalty Complex And Speaks With All The Extra Vees And Doubleyous TT: Oh, I knew exactly who you were talking about from the start. GA: Okay TT: I must say, this little project pleases me. TT: Do keep me apprised of all further developments. GA: Okay I Will TT: At least until my looming grimdarkdeath steals me away. GA: Uh GA: Yeah That GA: Is Still Something That I Dont Really Want To Joke About GA: I Hope That Came Across As A Sincere Statement
|PESTERLOG|
-- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --
AT: hEEEY, jADE, GG: oh hi! GG: i remember you, you talked to me a lot in my dreams AT: yEAH, bUT NOW i'M TALKING TO YOU BEING AWAKE, AT: bECAUSE, AT: yOUR ROBOT CAN'T TYPE, AT: bECAUSE IT HAD AN EXPLOSION, GG: yup! GG: thats because my dream self died GG: pretty catastrophically! AT: aW, nO, i'M DEFINITELY PRETTY SORRY TO HEAR THAT, GG: thanks, but i think im ok GG: i felt pretty shaken up at first though AT: yES, i DID TOO, AT: i SPENT SO LONG SLEEPING AND DREAMING AND PLAYING ON PROSPIT, AT: tHAT BEING AWAKE WAS MADE TO FEEL WEIRD, aND i DIDN'T LIKE IT FOR A WHILE, GG: yeah i have done a lot of sleeping myself :) AT: oH, yES, i KNOW, bUT, AT: i SAW YOU, yOU WERE AWAKE A LOT TOO, AT: aFTER A CERTAIN MOMENT, i SPENT JUST ABOUT EVERY WAKING HOUR BEING ASLEEP, GG: wow why did you sleep so much??? AT: iT WAS JUST A BETTER WAY TO BE, mORE PEACEFUL AND FUN AND, AT: i GUESS, AT: tHERE WAS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED THAT WAS INCREDIBLY TERRIBLE, AT: aND SAD, AT: aND MADE ME FEEL TERRIBLE AND SAD AND SLEEPY, sO i SLEPT, a LOT, GG: oh no what happened that was so terrible? AT: i'D PREFER, AT: tHAT THE THING i WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT NOT TURN INTO THAT TOPIC, GG: ok sorry for prying! GG: what did you want to talk about? AT: i WANTED TO ASK YOU PERMISSION, AT: i WOULD HAVE ASKED PERMISSION THE FIRST TIME, AT: bUT AT THE TIME YOU WERE NOT ABLE TO GIVE IT, oR TALK OR ANYTHING, GG: permission for what? AT: tO COMMUNE WITH YOUR LUSUS, GG: with bec? GG: uh.... GG: what do you mean by commune? GG: and GG: what do you mean the first time! GG: you did it before? AT: yEAH, AT: iT MEANS TO TALK TO HIM, aND, sUGGEST HE DO SOMETHING WHICH IS GOOD, AT: fOR HIM, aND ALSO FOR PEOPLE HE LIKES, GG: ohhh GG: like a psychic power?? AT: yES, GG: pretty sweet! GG: when did you do it before? AT: oH, vERY RECENTLY, pERSONALLY SPEAKING,
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AT: aND, iT WAS A REALLY GOOD EXAMPLE i THINK, AT: oF EXACTLY WHY WIGGLERS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO DUAL WIELD FLINTLOCK PISTOLS, GG: hehe what?
|PESTERLOG|
AT: sO, i DID THE LIBERTY OF COMMUNING WITH YOUR LUSUS, AT: wHICH i HOPE WASN'T OUT OF LINE, AT: bUT LIKE i SAID, yOU WERE UNAVAILABLE, AT: uHHH, AT: bY WHICH i MEAN, uNAVAILABLY SMALL,
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AT: sO THEN i COMMUNED HIM TO USE HIS AMAZING POWERS, tO, AT: iNTERVENE, AT: aND REROUTE THE PROJECTILE AWAY FROM THE PATH THAT WOULD HAVE HARMED YOU, AT: aND ALSO, AT: aS A WONDERFUL BONUS AND COINCIDENCE, AT: iT HAPPENED THERE WAS A FELON ON YOUR PROPERTY,
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AT: iT WAS i THINK SURELY AN AGING ROGUE WHO WAS VERY MUCH KEEN ON INTRUDING BETWEEN YOUR REALLY NICE LOOKING FAMILY, AT: aND AS FORTUNE WOULD HAVE IT, AT: tHE SMALL MISSILE WAS REDIRECTED INTO THE SENIOR INTERLOPER'S CHEST, AT: aND HE DIED, AT: }:)
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GG: omg...... GG: that wasnt a senior interloper, im pretty sure youre talking about my grandpa!!! AT: oH, GG: and if im interpreting correctly.... GG: youre saying you used bec to make me shoot him??? GG: augh thats so awful! AT: uHH, AT: wHAT'S, AT: a GRANDPA, GG: oh boy GG: ok it is basically an old man, who serves the same role as i guess a lusus does on your planet? GG: he was like my dad, he took care of me! AT: wHOA, AT: tHAT IS A REALLY WEIRD CULTURAL THING, i GUESS, GG: sigh... AT: sORRY THEN, AT: aBOUT, AT: mY CULTURAL IGNORANCE, GG: well im not blaming you or anything GG: it sounds like you were just trying to help GG: and you did save my life GG: but...... GG: i mean jeeeez GG: talk about a misunderstanding AT: wELL, AT: nOW i FEEL VERY STUPID, AT: bUT, AT: i DON'T THINK i WILL GIVE INTO BAD SELF ESTEEM THIS TIME ABOUT THIS, AT: iT'S IMPORTANT TO STAY CONFIDENT ABOUT STUFF, DON'T YOU AGREE, GG: uh GG: sure? AT: aND i THINK THIS IS A GOOD OPPORTUNITY FOR US TO BOND, aND BECOME CLOSER IN AN EMOTIONAL WAY, AT: pROBABLY, GG: .... it is? AT: oH YES, sEE THE FUNNY THING IS, i ALSO KILLED MY LUSUS BY ACCIDENT, AT: i MEAN, mY LUSUS THAT WAS A LITTLE FAIRY BULL, nOT AN OLD MAN WITH A HUGE GUN, GG: oh nooo GG: how did that happen? AT: i MURDERED HIM INAPPROPRIATELY WITH A FOUR WHEEL DEVICE, GG: :| GG: ummm what kind of device? AT: lIKE, tHE KIND BASICALLY FOR CRIPPLES TO SIT IN, aND ROLL AROUND, GG: oh you mean a wheelchair! AT: i GUESS, tHAT'S A WAY TO CALL IT, GG: how... GG: did that happen? AT: wELL, AT: i WAS SITTING IN IT, bEING CRIPPLED LIKE USUAL, AT: aND HE GOT UNDER THE WHEEL IN HIS NAP, GG: D: GG: im so sorry GG: um also GG: i didnt realize you were paralyzed GG: not that im saying sorry for that! that would be rude i think GG: i am just saying sorry for your loss AT: oH, iT'S OKAY, oN BOTH THINGS, AT: hE CAME BACK TO LIFE FOR A WHILE, aND COULD TALK, AND THAT WAS FUN, AT: aND ALSO, AT: i'M NOT PARALYZED ANYMORE, }:) GG: oh? AT: nO, i HAVE ROBOT LEGS, aND i FEEL GREAT, aND i CAN WALK, GG: wow nice! AT: oH YES, iT IS TRULY NICE, AT: i AM A NEW AND DIFFERENT GUY, mOSTLY, AT: bEING NOT PHYSICALLY HANDICAPPED IS MOST CERTAINLY THE KEY TO HAVING HIGH SELF ESTEEM, GG: um GG: that..... GG: i dont know if i agree with that! AT: oH ABSOLUTELY, tAKE IT FROM ME AS WHAT FACT IS TRUE, AT: aND NOW, i FEEL EMBOLDENED TO DO BOLD THINGS THAT HEROES SHOULD DO, AT: lIKE, sAVE THE LIFE OF A PRETTY GIRL, AND KILL THE FIENDISH OLD MAN, wHO, AT: wHOOPS, wASN'T FIENDISH, aND YOU LOVED HIM, sORRY, GG: well GG: thats good i guess GG: i just wish... GG: maybe you'd told me what happened when i was younger? GG: i spent years wondering about it! GG: when i was REALLY young, i was sure the doll sitting across from him did it GG: and for a long time i was terrified of the evil blue girl!!! GG: she sort of haunted my childhood and i had trouble sleeping for a long time GG: but of course i got older and realized that was silly, but then i just speculated that maybe it was suicide GG: which was just a really sad thing to think about!!! AT: wOW, yEAH, AT: i, AT: tOTALLY BLEW THAT THEN, AT: i GUESS i COULD STILL TELL YOU ABOUT IT IN YOUR PAST, GG: buuuut... GG: even if you do, i dont remember you doing so! AT: oH, AT: tHEN i GUESS I WON'T, GG: er GG: ok :\ AT: bUT YEAH, iRREGARDLESS, AT: tHIS IS LIKELY TO BE EXACTLY THE KIND OF THING NOT TO STAND IN THE WAY ABOUT GOOD FEELINGS ABOUT MYSELF, GG: ....... AT: i MEAN, i SAW THAT YOUR LUSUS SAVED YOU ANYWAY, iN ADVANCE, AT: aND, AT: i JUST WANTED, AT: tO MAKE IT POSSIBLE SO THAT i WAS THE ONE INVOLVED WITH BEING THE HERO THERE, AT: tO SAVE YOU, AT: lIKE, tO PUT MYSELF IN YOUR STORY, iN A BRAVE CAPACITY, bECAUSE, AT: tHAT'S WHAT FEELING GOOD AND POSITIVE ABOUT YOURSELF IS ALL ABOUT,
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GG: woooooow... GG: you sound really confused to me! AT: aBSOLUTELY, i AM CONFUSED LIKE A FOX, AT: tHE KIND THAT HAS HIGH SELF ESTEEM, GG: heheheh GG: youre incredibly silly GG: i cant really tell to what extent youre joking around here! AT: i UNDERSTAND THAT, aND JOKES HAPPEN, yES, AT: bUT FEELING GREAT ABOUT YOURSELF IS NOT A JOKING ISSUE, AT: iT IS HEAVY DUTY BUSINESS, aND NEEDS TO BE GIVEN ALL THE SERIOUSNESS THAT SAD THINGS GET, AT: i'VE LEARNED THAT, fROM MY FRIENDS, AND ALSO, FROM RUFIO, GG: rufio? AT: yES, hE'S A FAKE, GG: what do you mean fake? AT: a FAKE GUY i MADE UP IMAGINARILY, AT: hE NEVER STOPS BEING A THING THAT'S NOT REAL, GG: ohh like an imaginary friend.... GG: heh, ok AT: i'M PRETENDING THAT BEING FULLY HONEST ABOUT RUFIO'S FAKENESS, AND, AT: bEING UP FRONT ABOUT HIS GENERAL FRAUDULENCE, tHAT IT WILL ONLY GIVE ME EXTRA CONFIDENCE, AT: i'M PRETENDING THAT AS HARD AS i CAN, iN THE MOST CONFIDENT WAY, AT: wHICH MAKES IT PARTIALLY MORE TRUE, GG: that GG: sure is a philosophy you have there! AT: yES, bEING CONFIDENT IS ALWAYS ABOUT SAYING AND DOING THE THINGS YOU FEEL, AT: eVEN IF THE AFRAID PART OF YOU SAYS, nO, pLEASE DON'T DO THAT, AT: lIKE, uHHHHHHH, AT: hERE IS A THING i'M AFRAID TO SAY TO YOU, jADE, AT: bUT, AT: i'M TOO CONFIDENT NOW TO LET MY AFRAIDNESS MAKE ME FEEL TERRIBLE, GG: oh?? GG: well, what is it? AT: rEMEMBER, i TALKED TO YOU A LOT WHEN YOU WERE SLEEPING, GG: yes AT: uHH, aND, AT: wE TALKED ABOUT LOTS OF THINGS, aND WE HAD SOME THINGS IN COMMON, aND IT WAS NICE, GG: sure! AT: aND i THINK CONSEQUENTLY, tHE EMOTIONAL RESULT IS PROBABLY, AT: tHAT MAYBE i HAVE SOME POSSIBLE RED FEELINGS FOR YOU, GG: red feelings? GG: you mean GG: whoooooaaaaaa GG: wait GG: really? :o AT: wOW, tHAT SURE WAS A HARD THING TO SAY AND MADE ME INCREDIBLY NERVOUS, AT: bUT i SAID IT BECAUSE OF MY REMARKABLE LEG-POWERED SELF CONFIDENCE, AT: aND NOW i THINK ALL THAT'S LEFT IS DEFINITELY YOUR RECIPROCATION ABOUT THAT, pROBABLY, GG: um................. GG: well GG: i dont think i can reciprocate! AT: uH OH, GG: i mean GG: youre nice GG: but i dont really know you... GG: i dont even know your name! AT: oH GOSH, hOW STUPID CAN i BE, AT: i FORGOT TO SAY, AT: i'M TAVROS, GG: ok tavros GG: i dont know if youve fully thought about this! GG: you dont actually know me very well either AT: oH YES, i SURELY DO, AT: bECAUSE WE HAD A NUMBER OF SPIRITED CONVERSATIONS, wHEREIN YOU WERE VERY NICE AND PLEASED TO SPEAK WITH ME, AT: dID, AT: i MISINTERPRET THAT, wAS IT NOT ACTUALLY NICENESS, GG: well no GG: i was being nice GG: because GG: i like to be nice to people when i can, and when they are nice to me GG: but...... GG: things are a little more complicated than that, you cant know someone just by a few conversations! GG: i mean, i only talked to you when i was asleep! i am kind of different when im dreaming... GG: i forget things, and at times im not totally sure whats real GG: dont you remember thats what its like to dream on prospit? AT: uH, AT: kIND OF, GG: sorry, i feel bad about having to disappoint you... GG: but i dont know what else to say AT: bUT WHAT ABOUT, AT: mY ATTRACTIVE BRAVADO, AT: aND IGNORING MY INSTINCTUAL COWARDICE HARD ENOUGH TO SAY THAT i LIKE YOU, AT: iSN'T THAT, AT: sUPPOSED TO BE VERY ATTRACTIVE, aND ENCOURAGE THE MAJOR HAVING OF FLUSHED FEELINGS IN OTHERS, AT: i GUESS WHAT i MEAN IS, wHAT ABOUT ALL MY CONFIDENCE, AT: wHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT, GG: jeeeeeez, um... GG: tavros i am really flattered you like me and all GG: and that sure is confident of you to say so! and thats great buuuut... GG: i guess confidence is one thing but there is such a thing as being toooo forward i guess? AT: wOW, AT: oK, GG: i aaaalso think... GG: and really this is just polite friendly advice! GG: that if youre really confident you dont always have to say it all the time GG: it... GG: oh man im sorry to say GG: it just comes of as a little insecure and off putting and kind of defeats the purpose! GG: and all things considered i think we should just stay friends GG: or really........ GG: continue building a friendship in the first place, since like i said we dont actually know each other that well! AT: yEAH, AT: uUUUUUUHHH, GG: sorry :C AT: nO, nO, iF i'M BEING REALISTIC i THINK THAT'S WHAT'S REASONABLE TO SAY TO ME, AT: aND i'LL WORK ON TONING DOWN MY SELF RESPECT A LITTLE, GG: aaaah no! you should have self respect GG: just... GG: oh boy this is frustrating GG: can we talk about this later? GG: i have some things to do! GG: why dont we get back to the original point GG: why do you want to commune with bec again?
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AT: yES, oF COURSE, AT: i WANTED TO GET APPROVAL FROM YOU, tO COMMUNE HIM AGAIN, AT: nOW THAT HE'S A SPRITE, AT: tO PERPETRATE ONE OF MY HEROIC IDEAS AGAIN, GG: uh-ohhh GG: what is your idea this time? AT: i WILL SUGGEST TO HIM THAT HE ATTACK YOUR ADVERSARY, AT: aS WELL AS OURS, AT: aND MAYBE BEAT HIM, tO SOLVE EVERYBODY'S PROBLEMS, GG: wow, i dunno about that! AT: bUT i HAVE GREAT SKILL IN COMMANDING BEASTS TO GLORY IN BATTLE, AT: aND YOURS IS SURELY THE STRONGEST BEAST I'VE SEEN! GG: but hes my best friend!!! GG: and you have already managed to get one of my family members killed AT: bUT ACCORDING TO MY SELF CONFIDENCE, i THINK i'M PRETTY SURE i CAN USE HIS POWER TO BE SUCCESSFUL, AT: wHOOPS, PRETEND i DIDN'T MENTION MY SELF CONFIDENCE, oR SAY ANYTHING OFF PUTTING, GG: but all of our adversaries have inherited his powers! GG: i would imagine the strongest guy would have all of his powers, and then some!!! GG: i am really not comfortable with this AT: oH, GG: you said you are asking me permission first and i appreciate that GG: but if you are asking im afraid my answer is no! AT: oKAY, i RESPECT THAT, AT: bUT, i WONDER, GG: what? AT: i WONDER IF A TRULY SELF CONFIDENT GUY, wITH THE BEST SELF ESTEEM THERE IS, wOULD EVEN NEED TO ASK, AT: mAYBE THE BEST GUY WOULD JUST KNOW HE WOULD BE SUCCESSFUL, aND WOULD DO IT ANYWAY BECAUSE IT IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, aND EVERYONE ELSE'S, GG: no way! GG: that would be smug and arrogant and would make you a bully!!! GG: later if my friends and i want to ask bec for help and decide thats our best hope, then thats our business GG: until then, just please stop meddling!!!!!! AT: wOW, oK, AT: yOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT ALL THAT, i'LL RESPECT YOUR WISHES, AT: oR, AT: wILL i? };) GG: nooooooooo dont dont dont dont dont GG: im serious GG: uuuuggghh i think my headache is coming back AT: i WAS jUST, AT: mAKING A JOKE, AT: sORRY, }:( AT: i GUESS US BECOMING A FRIENDSHIP DOESN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN NOW, GG: no... GG: its fine GG: i just really dont want you to do that ok? AT: yEAH, GG: i have to go now GG: bye tavros
-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased being trolled by adiosToreador [AT] --
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling adiosToreador [AT]
AG: Aaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha! AG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! AG: Oh my god, I cannot 8elieve how hilariously pathetic that whole exchange was. AG: Even 8y your wretched standards, Toreadork! AG: Hahahahahahahaha, oh god I can't 8reathe!!!!!!!! AG: A8solutely priceless. XXXXD AT: hEY, vRISKA, AT: tHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE, oF A PERSONAL NATURE, AT: hOW COULD YOU EVEN BE READING THAT, AG: Pff. Tavros, sometimes your stupidity surprises even me. AG: Next time you decide to open your heart to an alien girl........
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AT: uH, AT: wHOOOPS, AG: It was so em8arrassing just reading that Tavros. I'm em8arrassed! AG: I am actually feeling genuine em8arrassment. Your o8scene incompetence is actually polluting my otherwise pristine composure. Nice going! AT: sO, AT: i DON'T CARE, AG: Jade let you down too easy. She's too nice! Someone's got to tear into you for that appalling display, and once again, guess who's shoulders that falls on? AG: That's right. Vriska's, as usual. AT: i THINK SHE HAS THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF NICENESS, pERSONALLY, AT: aN AMOUNT THAT IS SOME, iNSTEAD OF, AT: nONE, AG: Hey, I'm nice when it matters, and where it doesn't strangul8te the critical development of people I give a shit a8out, ok? AG: Really I don't know what you see in her. She is completely useless, like you. AG: W8, of course!!!!!!!! It makes perfect sense. You and she represent the ideal matespritship, how could I have 8een so 8lind! AG: Two perfectly pointless gru8s in a bucket. AT: nO, i HAVE TOO MUCH SELF CONFIDENCE NOW TO BE UPSET BY YOUR SCANDALOUS IMAGERY, AT: i DON'T THINK SHE IS USELESS, AT: aND i DON'T THINK i AM EITHER, AT: bECAUSE OF NEW SELF ESTEEMS OBTAINED, rEMEMBER, AG: Oh will you please stop going on a8out your fucking self esteem. AG: I will say this much a8out her, she was right a8out that. How insuffera8le can you get, prattling on and on a8out how confident you are. AG: Tavros, you give confidence a 8ad name. I gave you all the chances in the world to earn it, to earn REAL confidence, and you failed. AG: You couldn't even do the one little thing I asked you to! The one thing that would have made you man up once and for all. AG: So instead you flew away and cried, and decided to sleep away your sorrow for the rest of the adventure. AG: Do you have any idea how sick that made me? Everything a8out you makes me sick. AG: When you talk a8out your self confidence, I throw up a little. You don't know what confidence is. Ro8o-legs don't give you confidence, that 8n't no more true than saying my ro8o-arm gave me mine. See what I mean? AG: Your confidence is faker than even the great Rufio himself, Lord of the Unreal. It's pure fiction, a false fakey fraudy con jo8 from a wimpy loser charlatan 8ullshit artist. AG: It's shallow and nause8ting, just like you. Do us all a favor and SHUT UP a8out it. AT: oK, i THINK, AT: tHIS IS ACTUALLY MAKING ME PRETTY MAD, AG: Yeah right!!!!!!!! AG: I'll 8elieve that when I see it, chump. AT: i DON'T WANT YOU TO MOCK ME ANYMORE, AT: i DON'T KNOW IF MY CONFIDENCE IS REAL, oR WHAT, AT: bUT i WOULD LIKE YOU TO STOP SAYING STUFF LIKE THAT TO ME, AT: aND TO STOP SAYING BAD THINGS ABOUT MY FRIEND JADE, tOO, AG: Jade is an idiot. AG: A useless, 8oring no8ody. What has she done for her party other than fuck up every step of the way? What does she ever do 8ut take naps and get in trou8le? AG: She's awful, and you deserve each other. Oh w8, except she h8tes you!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahaha. Even the 8oring pointless girl h8s you, talk a8out a guy who can't get a 8r8k. AG: Though I guess she's not compleeeeeeeetely useless. ::::) AT: wHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT, AG: Ok, Tavros, I gave her credit for something, so I'll give you credit for something too. AG: Your plan to control her lusus really wasn't a 8ad idea! AG: And using your a8ility to "save her life" (lol) was a pretty good way to test how effective your powers are across sessions. AG: Pretty good way to practice, to know where you stand! AG: Practicing your a8ilities is important, so when it comes down to using them for something that really matters, you know you're ready for prime time. AG: I know this first hand. AG: I got lots and lots and LOTS of practice with your little guinea pig friend. ::::D AG: So really, turns out she wasn't so useless at all! Far from it. AT: wHOA, wHAT, AT: aRE YOU SAYING YOU DID TO HER, AG: Not really the point! AG: The point is I'm trying to pay you a compliment. AG: At this point, you are so sad and disgusting, you should treat anything nice anyone has to say a8out you like a chest full of shimmering 8oon8ucks. AT: oKAAAY, gOD, AT: wHAT, AG: Like I said! Your plan was solid. AG: Controlling the guardian to go after Jack was a fine idea. Sure would stir some shit up! 8etter than 8eing an insignificant stuttering piece of trash all the time, I say. AG: And you were definitely on to something a8out doing it "irregardless" (lol) of her wishes. AG: 8ecause it's for her own good! That's what winners do. They do what is right for someone they care a8out even if the other person does nothing 8ut 8itch and moan and act ungr8ful a8out it. 8etter you learned l8 than never. AG: In fact, I would go as far as saying that if you went ahead with her plan against her wishes, it MIGHT just earn you a smidgen of respect from me. AG: We'll see. AG: There's really just one catch. AT: oH, AT: wHAT'S THAT,
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AG: The catch is it's not going to work! AT: wHAT ISN'T, AG: Are you even listening to me? Man, clear the Rufio wax out of your ears. AG: You couldn't sic the guardian on Noir even if you were inclined. Not even if I were to MAKE you inclined! :::;) AT: uHH, AT: wHY, AG: 8ecause you are dealing with a pro here. I already thought of that. AG: I thought of everything!
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AG: The guardian is not going to attack the agents who engineered him in the first place. AG: Or who I should say were "encouraged" (lol) to engineer him.
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AG: I was striking a mutually 8eneficial arrangement! This is often the most effective way to manipul8 others. AG: I just sort of gave them an idea. Nudged them along in the direction of seizing more power, which they wanted to do anyway. AG: Remem8er, I already have a lot of experience getting these simple minded agents to march to my drum 8eat. AG: I was exiling them left and right in our session! I'm an expert at this 8y now. AT: wHY WOULD YOU DO THAT,
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AG: Tavros, at this point it should 8e o8vious. AG: I am the unseen hand 8ehind every major event in their session, and to some extent, their whole lives. AG: At least those events not happening 8y the volition of their own natural incompetence! AG: Don't you think this is how it should 8e? Shouldn't the greatest player leave her fingerprints on every step of the rise to power of her ultim8 nemesis? AT: wOW, nO, tHAT'S, AT: i DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SAY ALL THE WAYS i THINK THAT IS CRAZY,
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AG: 8ut you must agree, 8ecause you were copycatting my idea. AT: nO i WASN'T, AG: You were 8razenly inserting yourself into Jade's history. The self-insertion plan was my idea, and it's revolting and cowardly for you to deny it. AT: tHAT WAS, fOR A GOOD THING THOUGH, AG: Hahahaha, sure. Whatever you say. AG: It's incredi8ly sad how outclassed you are. It's actually depressing that you thought you could 8eat me at my own game. And then most sickeningly of all, you don't own up it! AG: I have every angle covered already. The human session is on full Serket lockdown. Any effort you make to disrupt my plans will 8e laugha8le, just like everything you have ever done in your life. AG: The only thing left to do now is prepare to kill Jack myself, and save everyone's ungrateful asses. AG: It's a shame you're not strong enough to take him on with me. Too 8ad you spent so long sleeping instead of tur8o-leveling like me. AG: We might have made a pretty awesome team. AG: Oh well.
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AT: oKAY, tHEN, AT: aLL OF YOUR USUAL INSULTING THINGS ASIDE, mY TAKE ON THIS IS, AT: tHAT YOU CREATED OUR IMPOSSIBLY HARD BAD GUY, wHO WANTS TO KILL US, AT: aND BY ASSOCIATION, i GUESS THAT MAKES, AT: yOU THE BAD GUY TOO, AT: iNSTEAD OF A GOOD GUY WHO'S JUST MEAN, AG: Nice deduction! AG: Wrong, excruci8tingly linear, and laced with the sort of a8solutes morons like to throw around........ AG: 8ut nice!
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AT: aND THAT BEING THE CASE, AT: eVEN THOUGH i'M TERRIFIED OF YOU, AT: aND nOT AS STRONG, AT: oR REAL CONFIDENT, AT: oNLY MOSTLY FAKE CONFIDENT, AG: Yeeeeeeees? AG: Go on. AT: i THINK, AT: i AM GOING TO HAVE TO STOP YOU, AG: Yeah! That's the spirit. AG: Pretty weakslime threat there, 8ut it's a start. AG: Tell you what. AG: If you can find me in this la8, you can have at me. AG: I'll even give you a free shot! No funny 8usiness or anything. AT: oK, AT: tHEN, AT: hERE i COME, AG: I'll 8e w8ing. <3
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EB: ok, i think i'm ready to take this legendary nap! EB: and then climb the god tiers, i guess? AG: Yes, exactly! Pretty exciting, isn't it? EB: yeah... EB: maybe it is a little TOO exciting. AG: What's that mean? EB: i am not sleepy at all! EB: also, this is not much of a bed. more like a really hard slab of rock. EB: i don't see how i will be able to sleep. AG: John. AG: Would you like me to put you to sleep? EB: um... EB: you mean, you're asking me this time, instead of just doing it? EB: what happened to you wanting to be responsible for me becoming a hero! AG: John, I am clearly involved in your rise to power now regardless. That can't 8e changed! AG: I am giving you the option, 8ecause at some point a hero has to start making choices. AG: Once you take a 8r8k from hunting treasure and stop getting distracted 8y side quests, you eventually realize that's what this game is all a8out. AG: The choices you make affect the destiny of the universe you cre8te, as well as the type of hero you 8ecome. AG: It would have 8een nice if someone was around to explain all this to me, and let me have some control over my own f8. AG: I had to do this a much less pleasant way. I'm sparing you that indignity. AG: 8esides, it's not like you're some loser who doesn't know how to make tough decisions. AG: So what'll it 8e, John? EB: well... EB: i'm supposed to go to sleep to realize my destiny... EB: and you have the ability to make me do that, so... EB: i don't really see the harm in that. EB: it sounds like it is just the practical thing to do. AG: Am I hearing a "yes," John? EB: yes, that is my decision. EB: vriska, please put me to sleep! AG: You got it. <3
|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --
TG: ok GC: WH4T >:? TG: what do you mean what GC: 1 M34N WH4T 4R3 YOU W41T1NG FOR! GC: 4R3 YOU GO1NG TO JUST ST4ND TH3R3, OR 4R3 YOU GO1NG TO SUCK 1T UP 4ND 4SS4SS1N4T3 TH4T N1C3 LOOK1NG D4V3 1N H1S SL33P? >:] TG: but TG: you know if im going to or not TG: its lame for you to pretend theres any element of suspense here TG: why dont you just tell me GC: OH 1 G3T 1T GC: YOU W4NT TO R1S3 TO TH3 GOD T13RS 4ND B3COM3 4S GR34T 4S JOHN GC: WH1L3 ST1LL FORF31T1NG 4LL OF YOUR D3C1S1ONS 4ND FR33 W1LL TO 4 BL1ND G1RL 1N 4NOTH3R D1M3NS1ON GC: R34L H3RO1C, D4V3! GC: OR SHOULD 1 S4Y GC: SOOOO COOOOOOL >8] TG: look i dont mind making the decision if thats whats going on here TG: like doing the free will thing GC: OH 1S TH4T 4 TH1NG NOW? TG: yes how would it ever stop being a thing TG: being a things not something it ever stopped doing TG: i just want to know whats really going on here TG: before i decide to start choppin off the heads of outrageously good looking snoozing dudes GC: 1 TOLD YOU GC: YOU N33D TO D13 ON YOUR QU3ST B3D TO R34CH TH3 GOD T13R 1N SK414 W1TH JOHN TG: ok i know but TG: something about this doesnt add up TG: who is this guy TG: i dont remember sleeping on this bed TG: or reaching the god tier im pretty sure thats something id remember TG: so is he from the future TG: does this mean later im going to have to put this ugly goddamn suit back on TG: which i thought we both agreed id retired from the wardrobe forever TG: and then go back in time and sleep in this bed and get killed by me right now TG: do i have the stable loop right GC: NOP3! TG: then what GC: 1 C4N T3LL YOU GC: BUT F1RST, 4R3 YOU SO SUR3 TH1S 1S TH3 SOURC3 OF YOUR H3S1T4T1ON, D4V3? GC: K33P1NG TR4CK OF T3MPOR4L LOG1ST1CS? TG: why wouldnt i be concerned about that TG: if we make mistakes then dead daves start piling up TG: and dead daves are the enemy remember TG: says the sword holding guy whos about to add one to the pile GC: 1M JUST S4Y1NG GC: 1T 1SNT 34SY FOR 4NYON3 TO F4C3 TH31R OWN D34TH GC: 3V3N 1F TH3 CONS3QU3NC3 1S TO TH31R B3N3F1T GC: NOT 3V3N 4NY OF US M4N4G3D TO DO 1T GC: W3LL, 3XC3PT FOR ON3 TG: who GC: T4K3 4 WILD GU3SS! TG: ok got it TG: i wonder if this can finally be the conversation that doesnt deteriorate into a lot of bitching and moaning about her GC: F1N3 >:P TG: so if im understanding this TG: this guy isnt from the future who came back to finish a loop TG: and hes not from the past because id remember doing this TG: so this isnt part of our timeline choreography at all TG: must be from an offshoot timeline TG: which means hes doomed GC: Y3S TG: ok so how did this happen where did we fuck up GC: W3 D1DNT! GC: SORRY 4BOUT TH1S D4V3 GC: 1T W4S TH3 B3ST W4Y 1 COULD TH1NK OF TO SHOW YOU WH4T TH1S 1NVOLV3S! GC: YOU WOULDNT STOP BUGG1NG M3 4BOUT WHY YOUD N3V3R B3 4BL3 TO C4TCH UP W1TH JOHN GC: 1 TOLD YOU YOU WOULDNT B3 4BL3 TO F4C3 YOUR D34TH GC: 4ND TH4T W4SNT GOOD 3NOUGH FOR YOU! SO H3R3 W3 4R3 TG: what exactly did you do
|PESTERLOG|
GC: OK, R3M3MB3R WH3N YOU W3R3 4SK1NG M3 4BOUT TH1S GOD T13R STUFF GC: 4ND HOW JOHN W4S 4BL3 TO 4SC3ND GC: 4ND 1 TOLD YOU 1T WOULD 1NVOLV3 DY1NG GC: 4ND YOU K3PT GO1NG ON 4BOUT 1T, SO 1 G4V3 YOU 4 CHO1C3 GC: TO F1ND OUT NOW, OR F1ND OUT L4T3R TG: yeah i remember TG: that seems like a long time ago already TG: what was that like more than a day for me chronologically GC: Y3S BUT 1T W4S ONLY 4 COUPL3 M1NUT3S 4GO FOR M3 GC: YOU F1N4LLY WOR3 M3 DOWN W1TH 4LL YOUR R3C3NT P3ST3R1NG! GC: SO 1 S41D F1N3 GC: 4ND W3NT B4CK 4 L1TTL3 34RL13R ON YOUR T1M3L1N3 TO K1CK TH1S OFF GC: SO TH1S 1S HOW W3 4R3 DO1NG TH1S NOW TG: ok but you didnt actually give me a choice TG: you just flipped a coin GC: Y34H GC: 4ND 1 L3FT TH3 D3C1S1ON OV3R TH3 OUTCOM3 OF TH3 FL1P 1N YOUR H4NDS! >:]
|PESTERLOG|
GC: M4YB3 YOU FORGOT GC: 1 WOULDNT BL4M3 YOU S1NC3 TH3R3 H4S B33N 4 LOT TO K33P TR4CK OF GC: BUT H3R3 1S HOW 1T W3NT DOWN GC: YOU W3R3 STRUTT1NG 4ROUND 1N YOUR D3L1C1OUS K1W1 31GHT B4LL SU1T 4ND RUNN1NG YOUR FR3SH MOUTH 4S USU4L GC: durp yo terezi sup sup gotta beat john gotta beat john GC: hes got a long hood and he does wind, how can i get powers too? GC:oops red is how i talk, my bad GC:OH MY GOD... GC:D4V3 TH1S 1S SO D3C4D3NT GC:WHY D1DNT YOU 3V3R T3LL M3 HOW 4M4Z1NG 1T 1S TO TYP3 L1K3 TH1S GC:1 4LMOST C4NT H4NDL3 1T >:o TG: ok stop that shit is probably like crack to you TG: im not going to stand by and watch you fall prey to your own wild cherry apeshit apocalypse GC: OK >:[ GC: SO 4NYW4Y, 1M L1K3 D4V3 TH4TS GO1NG TO 1NVOLV3 F4C1NG YOUR OWN D34TH GC: 4ND 1M SORRY TO BR34K 1T TO YOU BUT 1 DONT TH1NK YOUR3 R34DY FOR TH4T GC: SO TH3N D4V3 1S L1K3 thats so stupid bluh bluh im being difficult, and cool, word up GC: SO 1 S4Y F1N3 GC: 1 W1LL SHOW YOU GC: BUT ONLY 1F YOU PROM1S3 TO TH3 3X4CT T3RMS OF MY 4RR4NG3M3NT, 1N ORD3R TO PROT3CT TH3 1NT3GR1TY OF TH3 T1M3L1N3 >:] TG: the arrangement being the coin flip thing TG: thank god we did that otherwise wed be screwed TG: i probably would have gone back in time and killed my own grandfather oh wait i never had one GC: 4H, BUT 1T W4S 1MPORT4NT! GC: YOU JUST D1DNT KNOW WH4T W4S GO1NG ON, WH1CH W4S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD GC: 1 TOLD YOU 1 W4S GO1NG TO FL1P 4 CO1N GC: 4ND B3FOR3 1 D1D, YOU H4D TO P1CK 4 S1D3 W1THOUT T3LL1NG M3 GC: GOOD H34DS OR B4D H34DS GC: 4ND YOU W3R3 L1K3 hey sure terezi i will hella go along with your two face thing GC: WH4T3V3R TH4T M34NS >:\ TG: oh yeah GC: WH4T D1D TH4T M34N, BY TH3 W4Y GC: WH4TS 4 TWO F4C3 TH1NG TG: twoface is a human batman villain whos half ugly and flips coins all the time to make evil decisions GC: OH... GC: W3LL TH4TS K1ND OF D1SH34RT3N1NG, 1 SORT OF THOUGHT MY CO1N FL1PP1NG W4S 4 COOL 4ND UN1QU3 TH1NG >:[ TG: its ok flippin coins for reasons is still pretty badass i guess TG: why dont you finish your story
|PESTERLOG|
GC: R1GHT GC: SO TH3 CHO1C3 1F YOU R3C4LL W4S GC: 1 COULD SHOW YOU HOW TO R34CH TH3 GOD T13R NOW GC: OR 1 COULD SHOW YOU L4T3R GC: 4ND YOU H4D TO 4SS1GN ON3 OPT1ON TO GOOD H34DS GC: 4ND TH3 OTH3R OPT1ON TO B4D H34DS GC: 4ND WH4T3V3R TH3 R3SULT OF TH3 FL1P, YOU H4D TO PROM1S3 TO DO WH4T YOU COMM1TT3D TO B3FOR3 H4ND! GC: NO CH34T1NG 4ND CH4NG1NG YOUR M1ND, OR TH4T WOULD FUCK 1T UP TG: right exactly TG: so like i said before i had no choice at all i picked some options and you flipped a coin GC: Y3S, BUT L34V1NG TH3 CHO1C3 TO YOU W4S 1MPORT4NT H3R3 GC: YOULL S33 WHY 1F YOU TH1NK 4BOUT 1T TG: not seein it TG: i picked good heads to mean youd show me now TG: bad heads to mean youd show me later TG: you said it came up bad heads TG: so i was like ok i can wait TG: and i did for like a whole day TG: and now here you are showing me TG: did i miss something GC: Y3S GC: YOU FORGOT TH4T TH3R3 W4S 4LSO 4N OFFSHOOT R34L1TY 1N WH1CH YOU M4D3 JUST TH3 OPPOS1T3 D3C1S1ON! GC: TH4T W4S TH3 ON3 WH3R3 B4D H34DS M34NT 1 WOULD SHOW YOU R1GHT 4W4Y GC: R3M3MB3R B3FOR3 TH3 FL1P, 1 1NSTRUCT3D YOU WH4T TO DO 1N TH4T 3V3NT GC: TO GO B4CK 1N T1M3, 4ND 4W41T FURTH3R 1NSTRUCT1ON GC: 4ND YOU D1D! GC: H3 D1D, TH4T 1S GC: H3 W3NT B4CK 1N T1M3, 4ND 1 TOLD H1M TO F1ND TH1S B3D 4ND GO TO SL33P GC: 4ND TH3N FUTUR3 D4V3 WOULD COM3 L4T3R 4ND K1LL H1M, S3ND1NG H1M TO TH3 GOD T13R 1F H3 SO W1LL3D GC: 1F H3 COULD F1ND TH3 WH3R3W1TH4LL TO GO THROUGH W1TH 1T GC: TH3 SL33P1NG D4V3 1S TH3 DOOM3D D4V3, TH3 ON3 WHO D1DNT W41T GC: FUTUR3 D4V3 1S YOU, TH3 ON3 WHO W41T3D GC: 1N YOUR QU3ST, YOUR3 TH3 4LPH4 D4V3 GC: H3S YOU >8]
|PESTERLOG|
TG: then TG: this is kind of useless isnt it TG: i thought you were bringing me back here to finish a stable time loop not murder a guy you punked whos gonna die regardless TG: whats the fucking point of giving a doomed version of myself superpowers anyway GC: M4YB3 H3 W1LL STOP B31NG DOOM3D 4FT3R YOU K1LL H1M? GC: M4YB3 H3 W1LL G3T TH3 D4V3 POW3RS 4ND L1V3 4 LONG 4ND COOL L1F3 NOT B31NG DOOM3D 4NYMOR3 GC: HOW WOULD YOU KNOW UNL3SS YOU T4K3 4 ST4B 4T 1T? GC: H3H3H3 TG: its just the worst thing when you get morbid GC: >:P TG: anyway maybe TG: but i kind of doubt thats how it works i mean TG: doomed means doomed doesnt it TG: the loopholes are only temporary like look how davesprite turned out GC: >:[ GC: R1P MR OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S, M4Y H3 R3ST 1N D3L1C1OUSN3SS TG: am i wrong in guessing that TG: shouldnt you know better than me GC: D4V3 WH3N 1T COM3S TO T1M3 STUFF, WHY WOULD TH3 S33R OF M1ND KNOW B3TT3R TH4N TH3 KN1GHT OF T1M3? TG: i dont know TG: what does being a seer of mind actually mean GC: TH4T 1S GC: 4 GR33334T QU3ST1ON >:] GC: M4YB3 1F YOU TH1NK 4BOUT 1T YOU C4N F1GUR3 1T OUT YOURS3LF TG: oh ok its someone who asks a bunch of dumb riddles i figured it out already GC: Y34H R1GHT!!! TG: lets not get derailed here TG: we were talking about a serious issue and im standing over my soon to be corpse while holding a fucking sword GC: OK, TH4T 1S F41R GC: YOU 4R3 PROB4BLY CORR3CT 4BOUT DOOM3D MR K1W1SU1T H3R3 GC: P4R4DOX SP4C3 1S PR3TTY V1C1OUS 4BOUT PUN1SH1NG THOS3 1N V1OL4T1ON OF 1TS PL4N TG: punishing GC: SUR3 GC: 1T F1NDS W4YS TO 4NN1H1L4T3 TH3 P4THS WH1CH DO NOT CONTR1BUT3 CONSTRUCT1V3LY TO 1TS OWN PROP4G4T1ON GC: 4ND 1T 1S 3QU4LLY M3RC1L3SS TO THOS3 WHO 1NH4B1T TH3M, 4ND 1N P4RT1CUL4R, THOS3 WHO C4US3 TH3M GC: 1T 4PP34RS TO H4V3 4 S3NS3 OF JUST1C3, DONT YOU TH1NK? TG: i guess GC: W3LL, YOU 4SK3D WH4T 1 THOUGHT, 4ND TH4TS WH4T 1 TH1NK GC: TH3 QU3ST1ON R3M41NS GC: NOW WH4T??
|PESTERLOG|
TG: i dunno none of this is making for a very persuasive argument that i should kill doomed me GC: BUT H3 1S GO1NG TO D13 4NYW4Y! GC: WHY NOT JUST B3 TH3 ON3 TO PUT H1M DOWN? GC: 4T TH3 V3RY L34ST, YOU COULD M4K3 SUR3 1T 1S 4 PL34S4NT D3M1S3 1NST34D OF SOM3TH1NG N4ST13R >:] TG: see TG: this shit youre doing now TG: this is the morbid shit i was talking about TG: its not anywhere near as endearing as you probably think TG: even when you bracket smile after it TG: like ok you said something fucked up but hey theres a cute face my heart just fucking melted GC: D4V3, W3 BOTH KNOW MY BR4CK3T SM1L3S 4R3 1RR3S1ST1BL3 GC: >:] >:] >:] TG: ok yeah youre right i just got won back over totally TG: i think TG: this whole thing was a ruse TG: and not even the funny kind that qualify as distactions TG: i think you got my whole timeline there in front of you and you know damn well i have no intention of killing this guy ever TG: and its just a big game you set up to watch me squirm over weird mortality issues while you giggle GC: Y34H GC: SO????? TG: so TG: i guess TG: well played?????? TG: i dont know TG: just one question TG: and please just drop your fucking justice riddles and be honest TG: do i ever make the god tier TG: like the right way GC: V3RY W3LL, 1 W1LL STOP TORM3NT1NG YOU D4V3 GC: NO, YOU DONT GC: BUT TH4T 1S NOT 4S B4D 4S 1T SOUNDS! GC: L1K3 1 S41D, NON3 OF US M4D3 1T GC: 3XC3PT FOR... OK N3V3R M1ND GC: 1T W4SNT N3C3SS4RY! W3 W3R3 4LR34DY BR33Z1NG THROUGH TH3 G4M3 4T OUR LOW3R L3V3LS GC: BY TH3 T1M3 W3 R34CH3D TH3 TOP OF OUR 3CH3L4DD3RS 4ND M4ST3R3D OUR FR4YMOT1FS, W3 W3R3 COMPL3T3LY DOM1N4T1NG! GC: OK, SO TH3 3ND BOSS W4S MOR3 CH4LL3NG1NG TH4N W3 3XP3CT3D GC: BUT BY TH3N 1T W4S TOO L4T3 TO GO B4CK 4ND DO 4NYTH1NG 4BOUT 1T, 4ND W3 H4D 4N 4RMY OF L3TH4L PSYCH1C ROBOTS TO H3LP US GC: 1T 4LL WORK3D OUT 1N TH3 3ND GC: WHY DO YOU TH1NK 1 H4D YOU BUY 4LL THOS3 FR4YMOT1FS? GC: 3V3N 1F YOUR3 NOT QU1T3 WH3R3 JOHN 1S, YOUR3 ST1LL 4 PR3TTY D34DLY W34PON >:] TG: ok TG: then cool i guess i can live without wearing a sweet windsock hoodie and making time tornadoes or whatever TG: i was only bugging you about it cause you were being so vague GC: Y3S 1 KNOW GC: 1 THOUGHT 1T W4S B3TT3R TO SHOW YOU WH4T W4S 1NVOLV3D GC: 1TS ON3 TH1NG TO S4Y sup sup terezi help me be a god sup sup sup GC: BUT F4C1NG 1T 1S D1FF3R3NT GC: OUR R4C3 1S NOT 3X4CTLY UNCOMFORT4BL3 1N TH3 PROX1M1TY OF D34TH GC: BUT 1T W4S ST1LL 4 CH4LL3NG3 W3 W3R3NT PR3P4R3D FOR GC: 4ND TH3N GC: J4CK K1LL3D OUR DR34M S3LV3S GC: 4ND 1 GU3SS W3 LOST TH4T CH4NC3 FOR GOOD >:[
|PESTERLOG|
TG: alright then TG: i guess thats enough of this horseshit time to move on right GC: SUR3 GC: 1F YOU R34LLY W4NT TO L34V3 POOR DOOM3D D4V3 H3R3 TO H1S OWN D3V1C3S TG: i dont even want to be around when he wakes up itll be weird and awkward GC: 1 DONT SUPPOS3 1 COULD T4LK YOU 1NTO PUTT1NG H1M OUT OF H1S M1S3RY B4S3D ON TH3 R3SULT OF 4 CO1N FL1P >:D TG: no fuck no TG: put your fucking death coin away jesus TG: i am forbidding you from ever flipping that coin again when youre talking to me or even thinking about me GC: F1N3!!!! WOW D4V3 GC: SO TOUCHY 4BOUT 4 S1LLY L1TTL3 CO1N GC: YOUR3 OV3R3ST1M4T1NG 1TS R3L3V4NC3 H3R3 4NYW4Y GC: 1N F4CT GC: 4FT3R 1 FL1PP3D 1T, 1 D1DNT 3V3N LOOK 4T TH3 R3SULT! TG: what you didnt GC: NOP3 GC: D4V3, WHY WOULD 4 BL1ND G1RL LOOK 4T 4 CO1N SH3 C4NT 3V3N S33? GC: 1T DO3SNT M4K3 S3NS3! TG: thats fucking idiotic TG: you could smell a flea off a dogs balls GC: >:\ GC: D4V3 S33 GC: TH1S SH1T YOUR3 DO1NG NOW GC: TH1S 1S TH3 GROSS SH1T 1 W4S T4LK1NG 4BOUT GC: 1TS NOT 4NYWH3R3 N34R 4S 3ND34R1NG 4S YOU TH1NK 4H4H4H4H4H4 TG: this is bs TG: so ok your coinflip of death was meaningless great to know TG: is there anything else we need to do here TG: i sent you the money i got all the fraymotifs tell me what is there thats left besides you jerking me around TG: probably time we chill out for a while and i get back in sync with my teammates GC: OH Y3S, 1 KNOW GC: YOUV3 GOT SOM3 WORK TO DO, 1 C4N T4K3 4 H1NT 4ND G1V3 YOU SOM3 SP4C3 TO DO 1T >:] GC: J4D3 1S GO1NG TO N33D YOUR H3LP ON H3R N1C3 FROST3D M4RSHM4LLOW PL4N3T TG: then i guess thats where ill go GC: 4ND 1F YOU C4N F1ND 1T 1N YOUR COOLK1D H34RT NOT TO ST4Y M4D 4T M3, F33L FR33 TO G3T 1N TOUCH 4NY T1M3 TG: ok TG: i mean TG: im not even actually mad i just TG: i dunno GC: >:o TG: i still dont really get what you did TG: was the trick really necessary TG: it sounds like TG: the splitoff was a result of both possible decisions i could have made TG: and had fuckall to do with your coin or randomness or luck GC: 3X4CTLY!!! GC: S33 YOU DO G3T 1T TG: get what GC: YOU 4SK3D WH4T 1T M34NS TO B3 TH3 S33R OF M1ND TG: yeah TG: and TG: i obviously still dont know GC: OK TH3N 1LL JUST 4SK TH1S GC: HOW MUCH OF YOUR R34L1TY DO YOU TH1NK 1S M4D3 OF WH4TS 1N YOUR M1ND? TG: i dont know sounds like a riddle TG: fuck it ill just say all of it TG: i mean that is the answer right GC: SM4RT4SS >:P GC: 1T 1S NOT 4 R1DDL3, 1T 1S 4 S3R1OUS QU3ST1ON, TH3R3 1S 4 B1G D1FF3R3NC3 D4V3 GC: 1F YOU S33 WH4TS 1N YOUR M1ND CL34RLY 4ND UND3RST4ND TH3 POW3R YOUR THOUGHTS H4V3 GC: TH3N YOU UND3RST4ND R34L1TY WH1L3 3V3RYON3 3LS3 1S RUNN1NG 4ROUND CONFUS3D 4ND 4NGRY 4ND UPS3T GC: B3C4US3 TH3Y TH1NK R34L1TY 1S SOM3TH1NG H4PP3N1NG TO TH3M GC: R4TH3R TH4N SOM3TH1NG TH3Y 4R3 M4K1NG 3V3RY MOM3NT W1TH 3V3RY THOUGHT TG: oh ok GC: HOW W3LL DO YOU TH1NK YOU KNOW YOUR M1ND D4V3? TG: really well TG: i know it biblically its an obscene nsfw spectacle GC: H3H3H3 GC: 1 DONT KNOW WH4T TH4T M34NS BUT 1 KNOW 1T 1S PROB4BLY 4 RUD3 JOK3! TG: means my skull is a bucket and my brains a plump fuckgrub GC: GROSS D4V3 1S GROSS!!! GC: BUT 1 KN3W TH4T TOO GC: 1 KNOW YOUR M1ND B3TT3R TH4N YOU TG: oh do you GC: 1 4M NOT PSYCH1C, BUT 1 H4V3 TH3 S1GHT S33RS 4R3 M34NT TO H4V3 GC: 1T W4S MY ROL3 TO H4V3 1T GC: TO T4LK TO P3OPL3 4ND S33 TH3 TUNN3LS 4ND VORT1C3S 1N TH31R M1NDS 4ND TO UND3RST4ND TH3 R34L1T13S TH3Y WOULD CR34T3 1F THOS3 THOUGHTS L34D TO 4CT1ON GC: FOR MY 3N3M13S, 1 W4S M34NT TO BR1NG 4BOUT TH3 1NH3R3NT R3TR1BUT1ON FLOW1NG FROM TH3 R34L1TY M4D3 BY TH31R OWN 3V1L THOUGHTS GC: 4ND FOR MY FR13NDS, TO PROT3CT TH3M FROM TH31R T3ND3NCY TO UND3R3ST1M4T3 TH3 POW3R TH31R CONFUS1ON H4S OV3R TH31R F4T3 GC: TO K33P TH3M OUT OF TROUBL3, D4V3 >:] TG: is that what you were doing just now GC: M4YB3 1 W4S! GC: YOU N3V3R KNOW, S33RS 4R3 NOTOR1OUSLY CRYPT1C 1N TH31R W4YS TG: yeah no fuck GC: 4NYW4Y, 1TS B33N FUN D4V3 GC: 1TS B33N SO FUN B3C4US3 GC: TH3 MOR3 P3OPL3 TRY TO H1D3 GC: TH3 MOR3 TH3Y SHOW M3 GC: SO 1 GU3SS TH4TS HOW 1 KNOW GC: 1 L1K3 YOU SO MUCH >:D TG: man TG: you are just TG: some kind of knowitall arent you TG: what else do you know GC: HMM GC: 1 KNOW SOM3 V3RY 1MPORT4NT TH1NGS TG: like GC: 1 KNOW TH4T YOU W3R3 ON TO SOM3TH1NG WH3N YOU S41D LUCK W4SNT 1NVOLV3D W1TH TH3 CO1N FL1P TG: yeah because TG: you didnt even look TG: it was like TG: schrodingers fucking coin TG: and then TG: it turned into schrodingers fucking dave GC: R1CKY SCHROD1NG3R? TG: yeah GC: W3LL Y3S, TH4T M4Y B3 TRU3, BUT 3V3N SO 1 DO KNOW TH4T LUCK 1S 4 V3RY R34L TH1NG! GC: FORTUN3 1S TH3 3SS3NC3 OF L1GHT, 4ND 1T SH1N3S ON THOS3 WHOV3 M4ST3R3D 1T GC: BUT 1 KNOW SOM3TH1NG MOR3 1MPORT4NT TH4N TH1S GC: 1T 1S 4 B1G S3CR3T GC: M4YB3 TH3 B1GG3ST 4ND MOST 1MPORT4NT S3CR3T OF 4LL TG: what
Of course you still have your secret treasure, but it will almost certainly prove to be of no use to you in this dilemma whatsoever. It clearly serves no significant purpose other than to be pretty, and to make your hand glowy. Back in the sleeve of your trusty knife it goes.
Oh yeah, there's another thing you forgot about! You ate that delicious green nuclear rock earlier in the day, even though it feels like it was more than a year ago.
Ugh, there he goes again, bothering you. He is so impatient. Doesn't he realize how time consuming it is preparing for the holidays? He's just going to have to hold his stupid angry alien space horses.
Wait... you almost forgot, it's still April, and nowhere near the holiday season. You guess all this wintry weather tricked you into thinking it was.
But wait! Even THAT doesn't make any sense, since it never snowed on your island, and you were never able to connect it with the holiday season! Boy, are you confused.
But you always wanted a white Christmas, and dammit, that is what you are going to have, even though it's April, and even though you are giving all these presents to yourself, and even though Jesus Christ is no longer a relevant figure to celebrate on account of the annihilation of humanity!
|PESTERLOG|
TG: yes perfect GG: it is the prettiest tree i have ever seen!!!!! TG: ok im going to torrent you another like negative billion artifact grists GG: ok great! GG: everything about that makes total sense TG: yeah TG: now draw the conksuckiest boot you ever drew GG: ok
|PESTERLOG|
GG: is this conksucky enough TG: its the conksuckiest piece of fucking shit that ever still somehow qualified as a boot GG: <3 TG: you just know imigrants were responsible GG: well... GG: i am not even sure if i am technically a u.s. citizen! TG: yeah see what i mean
You figure as long as you have the LUNCHTOP card handy, you might as well try to do something with this dumb JOHNNY 5 GHOST IMAGE you accidentally made once.
You don't even know what this robot's deal is. You've never seen this stupid movie.
Finally, a difficult to use hands-on computing solution that does nothing but roll around of his own accord while talking about his emotions and reading books fast!
You decide to cut to the chase and do something that will have indisputably cool results.
You go to one of the stairwell rooms and carefully observe the armor while you sketch it. You have secretly wondered whether your grandpa was actually Iron Man in his younger years. It would explain so many things, including why this armor is here.
It's quite stylish, but maybe a bit cumbersome for casual wear. Probably only good for special occasions.
If you are going to adopt a new regular outfit, you'd prefer something a little comfier and less ostentatious, and if possible, in less flagrant violation of copyright laws.
You grab one of your grandpa's softest trophies and use it to make a really stylish WARM FUZZY SQUIDDLEJACKET!
You do the exact same thing to your shoes to create a matching pair of SQUIDDLESNEAKS!
The jacket and the shoes are ALSO computers. You will never be caught without a computer, ever.
You are suddenly feeling more fashionable than any kid in paradox space. All of the style belongs to you. The only thing left to do is make yourself deadlier.
You put the leering duttle out of your mind and try to sketch one of the pieces of equipment from your destroyed room to the best of your recollection.
Hopefully it works, so you can try making something sweet.
You still have this MECHA GHOST IMAGE you made a while ago, by accident as usual. Might as well throw a bunch of crazy shit together and see what sort of insane loot crops up.
|PESTERLOG|
-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --
CA: noww that youre done makin all that pointless rubbish CA: ivve got somethin wway more wworth your wwhile GG: which one were you again? GG: wait GG: werent you the guy who was always trying to hit on me?? CA: that couldvve been anyone CA: lets not get distracted by your sad league of suitors and their flushed desperations CA: im offerin you the edge here CA: in your rivvalry wwith the other female GG: uh... CA: wwevve got the same abstratus CA: and i dont need this thing anymore CA: since i became more powwerful than you could evver imagine as a mighty wwizard of wwhite science CA: so you might as wwell take it and settle your score wwith that awwful wwitch GG: but GG: im the wwitch! GG: i mean witch CA: yeah ok the seer then if you wwant to be dealin wwith technicalities GG: rose? GG: i do not have a score to settle with rose!!! GG: why would you think that? CA: oh CA: wwell fuck CA: suppose i wwas guessin it wwas natural to presume somesuch relation like that betwween the twwo a you GG: i think you are projecting your own attitude on to others GG: just because you tend to hate and/or hit on everyone you meet doesnt mean everyone else is that way GG: rose just sent me a code for a crystal ball, shes my friend and is basically the best! CA: oh i see so she shared her "magic secrets" wwith you then CA: its probably a trap i wwouldnt trust her CA: she is a cunnin and treacherous sort trust me i knoww her type GG: wait do you have a thing for her too??? GG: did she reject you or something? CA: you are slingin around such a bloody mess of slander wwith these accusations CA: you wwouldnt understand anywway CA: its already been painfully established you people cant get your shalloww think pans under the majesty of our quadrants GG: :| CA: if you must knoww things betwween us wwere gettin pretty bellicose and im pretty sure she wwas wwaxin as obsidian for me as a human got it in em to do CA: and if not for the interdimensional divvide keepin us apart honestly i dont doubt our rivvalry could be brewwin outright pitch GG: uh huh... CA: but the thing is i need a rivval wwho can pose me a challenge CA: and frankly shes not evven fit for holdin my cape anymore CA: at this point i find all her adorable black pixie dabblins to be prime kiddie playtime shit CA: all of her FRAUDULENT MAGICS cannot come close to posin threat to my mastery ovver the TRUEST SCIENCES CA: an wwith my empiricists wwand i servve as the righteous hope that wwill incinerate delusion and the deluded alike CA: my holy fire is the wwhite fury bled from the wwrath-wweary eyes of fifty thousand nonfictional angels CA: and wwhen theyre finished wweepin they wwill boww before their prince GG: wow what are you talking about CA: so really you should be honored to inherit my old callin CA: both my armaments and my feud CA: itll be wwitch against wwitch CA: a real one vvs an impostor CA: faker one dies GG: hey look at that, time for me to get going! CA: oh wwill you just take the fuckin gun already GG: no i dont want it!!!!! CA: its a wway more powwerful wweapon than any of that crap you made CA: its a legendary relic wwithout equal GG: more like a legendary piece of shit! CA: youre bein needlessly fuckin stubborn about this im doin you a fuckin favvor here GG: yes but i dont like you very much and i feel really icky about accepting a present from you CA: if you accept it this is the last ill evver be botherin you about anythin ok GG: siiigh GG: fine CA: FFFFFFWW GG: what? CA: thats the code GG: oh...
|PESTERLOG|
GG: hmmm... GG: i have seen this before CA: howws that possible CA: its a one of a kind wweapon plundered from an alternian ghost ship GG: i am very sure its the same rifle included with johns present GG: but... GG: bigger of course CA: probably a cheap imitation of the original CA: uh CA: kind of like that one there is CA: so theres your answwer stable loops ahoy CA: noww enjoy the utter fuckin domination it affords GG: yes but.... GG: i did not provide the weapons! GG: my penpal did CA: wwhos that GG: the guy who helps me build the present GG: we worked on it together but he supplied the bunnys weapons GG: im pretty sure hes from the future! CA: wwhy GG: because he said hes my grandson CA: wwhat the fuck is a grandson CA: is that some kind of pervverse human familial thing GG: umm yes CA: nevvermind then your procreational biologistics make my fins curl in distaste GG: oh no!!!!! GG: aaaaa please dont tell anyone i told you about him! GG: augh how could i let that slip to you of all people CA: settle dowwn jade youre radically underestimatin the amount of shit i dont givve about this CA: ill havve you knoww this is the last time im plannin on talkin to any human CA: i got bigger ships to sink and soon wwhen im good and ready me and my luminous fuckin science stick havve got a date wwith jack noir CA: AND NO NOT THAT KIND OF DATE GIVVE ME A LITTLE FUCKIN CREDIT GG: wow ok!!!! GG: i wasnt going to say anything CA: wwhys this matter so hush hush anywway GG: he didnt want me to tell my friends who he really was GG: i guess maybe he was concerned about upsetting the timeline? i dunno CA: wwell maybe he didnt wwanna disrupt wwhatevver disgustin sequence of evvents wwas responsible for his spawwnin in the first place GG: maybe! GG: i have wondered about that, assuming he is right... GG: he was so nice, and it really did feel like i was talking to family, so i really dont think he was making it up GG: i couldnt help but try to imagine his parents... GG: and more interestingly....... GG: his grandfather :O GG: i still wonder who it could be... GG: although i guess at this point GG: the options are pretty limited :o CA: ok i think im startin to feel ill talkin about things makin me fathom pink wwigglers comin out a your owwn personal torso CA: so change a fuckin subject CA: that gun i just gavve you is somethin of a hatchright to the kid CA: happy i could play a role in your dirty stinkin lineage GG: like an heirloom? i guess it could be GG: do you even have those? if you dont have parents how could you? CA: no wwe dont knoww our direct forebears and im pretty sure any attempt to seek out or evven inquire about the supplier of your genes wwould be a fine wway to get yourself killed CA: but wwevve got our lore and it says wwe all got indivvidual ancestors wwho contribute to most of our genes abovve and beyond wwhat the grubs slurry does GG: ewwwwwwww CA: oh shut up CA: anywway a lot of us believve wwere meant to trace the footsteps of those ancestors evven though wwe can nevver knoww em CA: and on that journey wwe can come across belongings they once had cause wwe wwere hatched to find em and finish their wwork CA: i kinda think thats wwhy i found the gun in the first place CA: but noww im forsakin it because fuck i just found a better destiny than my old crappy one wwhich i nevver got any appreciation for anywway GG: hmmmm GG: then maybe that is how this heirloom should work CA: wwhat do you mean GG: well i dont want to use it! CA: aww man come on GG: so ill just dump it outside the house with the trash GG: and if it is fated to find my penpal one day then so be it! CA: god damn it CA: its like you people go out of your wway to think a howw to disrespect me GG: maybe you should have been nicer to me! GG: in any case i dont appreciate the spirit in which the gift was given so this is what i will do! CA: fine fuck it wwhat do i care CA: this has been a completely flippin useless exchange as havve they all been wwith your species CA: and for the record CA: evven though i said that stuff about bein fated to find my gun CA: fate isnt real CA: its a lot of FAKE FUCKIN HORSEFEATHERS CA: noww go and be cleansed by the light of truth purity nonfakeness hope and abovve all SCIENCE
|PESTERLOG|
apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]
AA: hi TA: hii? AA: i guess i sh0uld say s0mething AA: bef0re i g0 TA: aradiia, ii am riight glubbiing here, liike two feet away from you. TA: iif you want two 2ay 2omethiing two me why don't you ju2t turn two your left and 2ay iit, iit'2 bad enough that you've hardly 2aiid two lou2y word2 two me 2iince you became that 2weaty a22hole'2 2moochbot. AA: i kn0w AA: but this is hard f0r me TA: how ii2 iit hard. TA: you are a tiin can, robot2 don't have feeliing2. AA: n0 thats n0t true TA: ok then, what ii2 iit. AA: s0rry ab0ut everything AA: and all the bad luck y0uve had AA: y0u didnt deserve it AA: i have t0 g0 n0w TA: what, where are you goiing? AA: im n0t sure TA: er, cool ii gue22?? AA: anyway thats it TA: waiit. TA: you mean for good, wiill ii see you agaiin? AA: i d0nt kn0w that either AA: but i guess if y0u d0 AA: pr0bably n0t with y0ur eyes TA: what the hell i2 that 2uppo2ed two mean? AA: i think y0ull be 0k with it th0ugh AA: 0_0 AA: i wish AA: i c0uld s0meh0w make that em0tic0n smile AA: 0u0 AA: n0 that l00ks stupid AA: 0h well
These things cost a fortune to make. They better do something awesome.
AND IT TURNS OUT THEY DO!
The sophisticated computing technology merged with the crystal ball provides a simple way to see anything going on right now in the incipisphere! How amazing is that?
As the Witch of Space, you figure it's about time you got better acquainted with the full breadth of your domain, which is to say, all physical locations.
There he is. On the battlefield no less! That's a pretty cute outfit he's got on. You wonder what he did to make it?
You also wonder why he's not answering your messages. Does he even have a computer on him?? He should try to have more foresight, and carry no less than 5 computers on him at all times, like a sensible person.
There she is! What is she doing on the lava planet?
She seemed awfully preoccupied when you spoke with her moments ago and she gave you the code for the crystal ball. You wonder who she could be talking to?
According to the spectagoggles, there are currently 13 Daves scattered around the incipisphere, including Davesprite. That is an absolutely preposterous amount of Daves.
You guess Davesprite is the one prototyped by his future self that John was telling you about? Dave sure is a clever guy. Might as well have a look...
|PESTERLOG|
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --
GG: dave!!!!!! GG: any dave out there please listen! TG: this is a dave out there whats up GG: dave i just saw you, and you were dead! GG: you were in a green suit and covered in blood, oh god it was terrible :( GG: if that was a future dave you have to make sure that doesnt happen!!! TG: it wasnt a future dave he was from a while ago GG: oh GG: i am confused :o TG: sorry you had to see that TG: but dont worry it was just a doomed dave no big deal really TG: i was swindled into splitting time paths along the way and that guy got the dead end of the stick TG: ill be fine GG: ok... GG: i am still not sure i get that! GG: but i guess i am relieved? TG: yes you are go ahead and be relieved GG: wheeeew! there i just was TG: nice GG: how did that poor dave die? GG: was it jack? TG: yeah TG: hes pretty much the guy in charge of random teleportation murders right now GG: D: GG: what about your... GG: um.... GG: oh no i dont even know if you know about this TG: what TG: my bro TG: yeah jack killed him too GG: ;_; GG: is it something you would like to talk about TG: not much to talk about TG: this is some pretty serious existence threatening shit going down and some people are going to die i guess TG: even crazy hard dudes like my bro slash weird covert biological ghost dad GG: ghost dad??? TG: yeah roses too TG: i thought john filled you in on the ectobiology stuff GG: oh... GG: yes he mentioned something about it GG: i guess i didnt realize its full implications.... GG: but time was short when we talked! TG: bottom line is were all related slimewise except you and me and him and rose pairways respectively TG: makes the shipping chart pretty simple here hang on while i dig up that piece of shit karkat made TG: where the fuck did that thing go TG: fuck it never mind TG: just imagine something ugly made by a jackass GG: ugh i forgot i still have to get back to him GG: its like a big unpleasant chore hanging over my head D: TG: i guess GG: anyway dave im really sorry about your bro/dad GG: you were pretty close with him right? TG: meh it was a pretty bizarre relationship by any standard TG: fightin off wave after wave of face pumicing puppet ass every day TG: always being on guard for stealth attacks in the middle of the night while getting up to go to the fucking bathroom GG: heheh TG: but i guess it all sorta amounted to some vague unspoken semblance of kinship TG: if thats a thing TG: like if honor among thieves is something then lets call it camaraderie among ironic rapping roof ninjas TG: but thanks GG: sure TG: i thought about taking his sword TG: when i was there TG: but i couldnt TG: couldnt really bring myself to try to pull it out it was too weird GG: dave we have to stop him!!!!! TG: what GG: jack! GG: he shouldnt get away with this TG: you think GG: yes GG: why dont you stop jumping around through time like a maniac and stop being like a hundred daves all the time and come to my house so we can make a plan to kill him?? TG: well id like to TG: but im still trapped in the chronologistics of this fuckin one man ballet TG: there are loops outstanding and if i step out of line you get to see more bloody daves TG: im getting pretty sick of it but i think itll be over soon TG: then ill break out and ride linear the rest of the way i think TG: once its time to put the end game in motion TG: til then youre on your own for a while GG: oh :( TG: besides we cant beat him TG: look what he did to bro and davesprite together TG: im at the top of my echeladder with all the fraymotifs and i stand no chance TG: johns even better than that even though he doesnt know it at the moment TG: and he stands no chance either TG: only thing we can do is hold out until the scratch GG: what is the scratch? TG: guess i shouldnt really say TG: since you sort of lead the way in making that plan GG: really?? TG: yeah well TG: suffice to say TG: if we cant beat him TG: all we can really do is exile him to a place where he cant teleport back TG: which hopefully buys us some time TG: to try to take out his power source in a crazy suicide mission GG: hmmmm... GG: so was that like a hint? GG: about what im supposed to do :D TG: kinda GG: well maybe im just being naive... GG: but a crazy suicide mission does not sound like the ideal solution to me! GG: are you suuuure we cant beat him? GG: i dont know if we should rule it out! TG: well TG: youre about to do what youre about to do TG: and im not going to tell you not to TG: i wont do the bullshit troll thing and tell you what youre going to do and then just dare you not to TG: while knowing damn well you will anyway TG: so ill just say TG: whats next is up to you TG: and if later you want to talk about it TG: im here GG: ok GG: thanks dave!
But you've got to do something. You can't stand by and let that monster teleport-murder people all day, and frankly, the suicide plan Dave mentioned sounds just plain stupid. There must be a better way. Think, imagination!
You suddenly remember the idea your awkward fairy god troll proposed. Maybe you were too hard on him. He was just trying to be nice, and it was an honest mistake when he slaughtered your grandfather ghost dad with his own childhood flintlock pistol. Maybe you should give his plan another chance.
|PESTERLOG|
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering adiosToreador [AT] --
GG: hey tavros! GG: i was thinking about your plan GG: about uh... GG: "communing" with my lusus :) GG: maybe its not a bad idea! GG: are you there? GG: hmm, i guess you are off doing something else GG: oh well, hope youre doing ok.... GG: talk to you later!
|SPRITELOG|
JADE: hello! JADE: ummmmmm JADE: jade? JADE: can you talk? JADESPRITE: i... JADE: oh good! JADE: hehehe, i was starting to get worried there
Ms. Paint, you are doing a wonderful job. Thank you.
It was also very thoughtful of you to switch the layer mode of your coat of paint to the overlay setting, so it would not obscure the details of Mr. Carnegie's lavish room.
That Ms. Paint is one classy Prospitian lady. She is the model of grace and beauty. I am always a bit flustered in her presence, especially when she carries her little pail around like that.
Whereas THIS lazy sack of crap here makes me sick to my stomach.
Cal, God damn it. We were all supposed to dress up for this. It doesn't look like you even touched that nice suit I sewed for you, let alone swapped your eyes with those billiard balls and make them alternate rapidly.
This insubordination is putting me in a foul mood. It's bad enough I just had to take Falcor out behind the woodshed and blow his brains out after he caught the rabies.
|RECAP LOG|
After Act 4, we began Act 5 Act 1, otherwise known as Hivebent. We were introduced to 12 trolls from a planet called Alternia, which resides in another universe. We followed these trolls as they played their own 12 player session of Sburb (or to them, Sgrub) to completion. A whole bunch of stuff happened along the way. In completing the game, they created a universe - our universe, home to Earth and our four heroes. But they were denied entry into the new universe due to an encounter with an indestructible demon. This demon was the four-times-prototyped Jack Noir from the kids' session, forced into the trolls' session due to a spacetime rift the kids would later cause, called a scratch. The trolls fled to the veil, discovered the existence of the kids, and began trolling them.
Then Act 5 Act 2 started.
Through a Trollian viewport, we see John moments before the scratch is initiated, wearing his god tier Heir of Breath suit, in the Land of Heat and Clockwork (LOHAC), about to put in motion a plan he, the other kids, and the trolls all helped orchestrate to cause the scratch. This is the first conversation Karkat ever has with John, and the last John has with Karkat, pre-scratch. Karkat proceeds to troll John backwards through his timeline. John knows increasingly little, while Karkat gradually begins to understand more.
EVENTS FROM KARKAT'S PERSPECTIVE
10:25 (10 hours, 25 minutes) before some CRITICAL MOMENT, Jack arrives and destroys the gateway to the new universe. Aradia transports all the trolls to the veil to hide. Her army of doomed duplicates takes on Jack. They are all destroyed. The trolls find a computer lab in the veil, and stay there for most of the time remaining before the CRITICAL MOMENT, to occur at 00:00.
06:12 before CRITICAL MOMENT, Jack destroys Prospit. Shortly before this, Kanaya chainsawed off Tavros's legs to replace them with robotic legs supplied by Equius. At the sight of this, Karkat faints, and for the first time, his dream self wakes up on Prospit. He is awake for only a moment before he sees Jack, and finally recognizes him as Jack Noir, rather than the heretofore unidentified demon. Jack then kills him and all the other Prospit dreamers in the process of destroying the planet.
Karkat remains asleep for an hour, until 05:12:30 before CRITICAL MOMENT, exactly half way through countdown. While sleeping post-dream death, he dreams of horrorterrors in the Furthest Ring, an experience anyone will have if sleeping after dream death. On waking up, he orders everyone not to sleep. He also wakes up to news that the humans were discovered. Neither he nor the other trolls understand the significance of the humans right away. They were discovered when Terezi was wired 413 boonbonds from Dave, on her future instruction. She urges Karkat to take a closer look at them. He dismisses them as irrelevant.
It's not until later he makes the connection between the Jack Noir in the kids' session, and the one hunting them down, recognizing them to be the same Jack, therefore placing the kids at fault for the current predicament. He then conceives of the plan to troll the humans, as a futile form of payback, and urges his team to follow suit with a compelling speech. He isolates John as the primary target of his hatred after watching him grow up. He is sure John is fated to be his kismesis, a romantic partner specific to troll culture, centered around rivalry and loathing. In his first conversation with John in the Heir suit on LOHAC, he professes these feelings clumsily. John cannot reciprocate. The awkward exchange causes Karkat to trap himself into continuing backwards on John's timeline, and the trolling continues in reverse fashion until John's first conversation with Karkat. By then, Karkat has explained many things to John along his journey, things about the game, about his role as an ectobiologist, and about their shared chief adversary, Jack Noir. In John's first conversation with Karkat, Karkat needs to get in touch with Jade. It's at this point on Karkat's timeline he has finally understood enough that he knows he must begin making plans with the kids for their mutual benefit.
Karkat attempts to get in touch with Jade, who continues to ignore him in a particular timeframe due to his persistent previous harassment of her in years prior. He leaves a message to her months in the past, telling her she needs to get in touch with him when her robot explodes. Her robot later finally does explode when her dream self is killed in the impact of Prospit's moon on the battlefield. When she wakes up, she remembers the message, and contacts him. But she contacts him at a point in his timeline where he is not yet interested in hearing from her. He argues with her, and is interrupted by his future self in a memo, from a time where he is trying to contact her. He and his future self argue, and Jade mediates between the two and becomes angry and frustrated, and ceases the correspondence.
By this point, the biggest meteor yet is approaching quickly, and she must enter the medium to escape. She requires John's assistance. He must recover the server disc, install it, and rescue her.
EVENTS FROM JOHN'S PERSPECTIVE
John sleeps on bro's rocket board, flying along with the meteors of the reckoning. He lands back on his planet, the Land of Wind and Shade (LOWAS). His dream self had awoken after dream Jade pushed him to safety from the blast of Prospit's moon. His dream self now exists on the battlefield, awake whenever John sleeps. He wanders the battlefield with his robot bunny, who he would later name Liv Tyler. He sees his dad and Rose's mom, and runs to meet them. But he wakes up before reaching them, and his dream self disappears. The ring he was carrying falls into a ravine below, later to be recovered by WV?, before his exile to post apocalypse Earth.
Vriska was responsible for waking him up. Upon discovering John, she takes an interest in his advancement, and uses her abilities to help him progress and set up critical events along his timeline. The only effect her abilities have on humans is to wake them up or put them to sleep. In this case, she woke him up so he would be able to receive the server disc about to come out of a parcel pyxis. The disc had been deposited into the pipeline by PM some time ago. She and John continue to converse, and he befriends her, oblivious to the true nature of her schemes. She functions as his "patron troll", a troll who is particularly focused on helping one of the kids, like Terezi is with Dave, and Kanaya is with Rose.
John returns to his house, and installs the server. But not before touching base with Rose, who is committed to cracking open the secrets of the game through dark magic, and Dave who is from the future, having time traveled extensively over the course of the 24 hour reckoning period. John also encounters nanna, who gives him a pendant granting him the ability to summon her. She conjures a ghost bed for him, and cooks for him with a ghost oven. He floats on his bed high above LOWAS while he connects to Jade.
Jade, who had woken up in her bed at the foot of the hill, returns to her house to find John setting up the equipment. John deploys the alchemiter and lathe in her greenhouse, and the cruxtruder in front of her fireplace. He opens the cruxtruder and discovers there are 10 minutes and 25 seconds until impact. They discuss what to prototype with, if anything. Rose warns him of the danger of failing to prototype, which would not allow the battlefield to heal, evolve to its final form, and grow the Tumor inside, which is critical to her plan to destroy the Green Sun.
John resolves to prototype with the blue doll, missing an arm and an eye, to deliberately disable Jack. But Vriska puts him to sleep before he can. Becquerel then prototypes himself to destroy the meteor and save Jade.
As he sleeps, John's ghost bed crashes into an oil ocean below. He loses his computer with the server disc in it, and nanna's pendant. He hops to a small island. He notices the ocean is on fire over the horizon, and the fire is approaching. He talks to Rose, who informs him Jade entered while he slept, and is safe. She tells him about a quest he'll need to go on later, to recover the Tumor from the battlefield and bring it to her. He then talks to Karkat, who is speaking to him for only the second time from Karkat's perspective. Karkat explains exactly what the kids did that made him decide to troll them. He blames Jade for prototyping Bec, creating Bec Noir who is now terrorizing the trolls' session, while blaming John for allowing it to happen.
Meanwhile, the fire is approaching his island, and has turned green due to Bec Noir's transformation, taking place during a duel with bro and Davesprite elsewhere on LOWAS. John is contacted by Vriska, who admits to putting him in this position to challenge him, to realize his potential as the Heir of Breath. She also admits to deliberately playing a role in the creation of Bec Noir, wanting to be involved in his rise just as she also plans to be the one to kill him. She explains that regardless of her actions leading to his rise, his existence in the troll session is immutable. Due to the nature of paradox space, that outcome could not be changed with different actions. The only consequence of different actions would be an offshoot timeline, in which all participants would be doomed.
As the fire surrounds him, she encourages him to use his abilities, and with some coaxing from WV who commands him from his station, he does the Windy Thing. The Breeze surrounds LOWAS and puts out the fire completely, and blows John to a larger landmass, just outside a village. The Breeze also clears the clouds from the sky, but they return shortly, as the spell over the planet must be broken by other means. By unlocking this ability, he reaches the top of the echeladder and becomes the Heir Transparent. Vriska then informs him the only thing left to do is reach the god tier, which is done by sleeping on his Quest Bed which is nearby. She tells him to ask the locals about it. He does, and finds the Quest Bed beyond the village. He sits in the bed but isn't tired. Vriska gives him the choice of whether he would like her to put him to sleep. He agrees. While he sleeps, Jack Noir finds him and stabs him through the chest, killing him.
WV watches his death on the monitor and commands him to rise up. WV sees nothing except fireflies gather around John's body, while the Quest Bed glows. After the spectacle, there is no change. John's body remains motionless, and the monitor shuts off. WV believes John has died. And he is right.
But on the battlefield, his dream self appears lying on a corresponding Quest Bed. His dream self slowly takes on the signs of the wound inflicted on his real self, as it rises. His dream self then takes over as his real self, with all wounds healed, as the fully realized Heir of Breath. WV?, pre-exile, watches this happen on the battlefield. He remembers this moment long after his exile, without understanding what transpired. But on Earth, WV believes he has just witnessed the end of John's quest. WV is still in possession of the ring, and has accidentally locked himself in the station, and there is not enough power to unlock it. The only source of power is a lump of uranium which he ate hours ago. So he waits.
John now wanders the battlefield, poised to complete the objective he was given by Rose.
EVENTS FROM ROSE'S PERSPECTIVE
Rose uses her dark magic to search for ways to subvert the usual course of the game and overcome the futility of the situation, with assistance from her patron troll Kanaya, counsel from the gods of the Furthest Ring, and information provided by Doc Scratch.
Kanaya begins trolling Rose suspecting her to be the author of the GameFAQ guide she read on Alternia, a figure she grew up idolizing. But she becomes disappointed with her due to a series of miscues resulting from her sporadic, nonlinear trolling. She continues conversing with her nonlinearly, engaging in a feud of snarky one-upmanship, gradually befriending her. She eventually realizes Rose is the true author of the guide when she watches her destroy the gate above her house with magic. She then continues helping her in a more linear fashion, uncovering the secrets of the game, and sharing her own extensive knowledge of the game with her. Ultimately, as Kanaya begins to understand the true nature of Rose's plan, she becomes afraid Rose is dangerous. She is especially unnerved by the fact that soon on Rose's timeline, her viewport goes dark, and she can no longer be monitored. But she acknowledges she can do nothing to stop her. So she trains Eridan to become a powerful white wizard of hope to challenge her, as a joke.
A particular target of Rose's investigation is the Green Sun. She rips apart underground ruins to retrieve information on it, and is further informed by Doc Scratch on the subject. The Green Sun is a huge star nearly twice the mass of the universe. It resides somewhere in the Furthest Ring, and serves as the power source to all first guardians. Bec was Earth's first guardian, and when he became prototyped, Jack inherited all his powers, which are supplied by the Green Sun. Doc Scratch is the first guardian of Alternia.
Doc Scratch, like Bec, is a virtually omnipotent being, with all the same powers. Unlike Bec, he is an intelligent host to those powers, and is therefore also omniscient. His job is to pave the way for the arrival of his employer, an indestructible time traveling demon called Lord English. Lord English can only enter a universe upon its death, at which point he travels back in time to an earlier point in the universe's lifespan to assume leadership of his gang of mobsters called The Felt. His machinations, like Scratch's, are in part designed to bring about his own future entrance. Before the trolls began their session, Scratch took measures to both pave the way for English to arrive, as well as contribute to his own creation. First guardians have circuitous self-fulfilling origins, much like the players of Sburb. Bec was created in a lab through ectobiology by merging the ghost slime image of grandpa's dog Harley with Rose's MEOW code. Scratch had a similar but yet unknown origin. Scratch manipulated several members of the trolls' party into playing Sburb (Sgrub) in the first place. Notably, he manipulated Vriska into killing Aradia, who as a ghost became the primary orchestrator of the session. He was also used as something of a pawn himself, by Terezi, in exacting revenge against Vriska, causing her to lose an eye and an arm. This was another key moment in a critical cycle of revenge, leading to Terezi's blindness and awakening, Vriska's eventual death by Aradia's retaliation, and then Vriska's resurrection to the god tier as the Thief of Light.
Having done everything he needs to do, Scratch tells Rose he wishes to die. Thus the destruction of the Green Sun is to their mutual benefit, and Rose forms a plan. While she gave the short version of the plan to John, telling him he'd need to recover the Tumor, she tells the full plan to Dave. The Tumor at the center of the battlefield is in fact a very powerful bomb, capable of destroying the Green Sun. She will go to sleep, and John will bring it to her dream self. Meanwhile, Dave is to go to sleep and listen to the gods, who will tell him how to find the sun. He will make a map, and Rose will plot a course there and destroy the Green Sun in a suicide mission. Ideally, this will negate all of Jack's powers, reducing him to mortal status again.
EVENTS FROM DAVE'S PERSPECTIVE
After entering the gate above his apartment, Dave begins exploring LOHAC under the guidance of his patron troll, Terezi. Her fascination with him was prompted by the money wire from his future self, which alerted her to the existence of the humans in the first place. She watched him grow up with his bro, and made some observations about humanity through his upbringing. She then committed to helping him, in part due to her rivalry with Vriska, who sought to make sure the human she favored, John, would outpace Dave.
Over the course of the adventures she coordinates for him, Dave experiences about 3 days chronologically due to looping through time, and fulfilling the requirements of various time loops. The key objective is to make enough money for him to be able to wire it to her in the first place, completing the time loop that started it all. The sum of money vastly exceeds what is typically gathered in a session, and it must be accumulated by manipulating the LOHAC Stock Exchange using time travel.
Along the way, Dave and Terezi befriend each other, trading comics and perpetrating financial capers. In the early going, Terezi leads him into a pot of soup prepared by his crocodile consorts, for no particular reason other than it needed to happen on his timeline. Doubtful of the need for her help, he nearly quit, but received assurance from his future self, and continued exploring.
He goes underground and discovers gold ruins. Before entering, he's interrupted by Karkat who uses a memo to warn both him and John about their involvement with Terezi and Vriska, telling them the scourge sisters are partaking in a dangerous game of rivalry fueled flirtation which has gotten both him and John killed at least once each. Karkat speaks from a time in which he's aware of a plan developing which may lead to the kids and trolls meeting each other, and does not look forward to the results of the gathering if these trends continue. John and Dave disregard his advice. Dave proceeds into the ruins and finds a legendary sword, Caledfwlch, lodged in a block of gold. He breaks it to retrieve it, and is told by Davesprite that the sword is critical to his personal quest as the Knight of Time. Terezi then tells him he is about to fall asleep, without knowing Vriska was behind this nap as well. Dave goes to sleep, and Davesprite defends him from a horde of powerful monsters. Before Dave wakes up, Davesprite leaves to find bro. He does, and joins him in battle against Jack. When Jade enters, Jack transforms into Bec Noir and defeats both of them. Bro is slain by his own sword, and the body is discovered by Dave later, who can't bring himself to retrieve the sword.
While sleeping in the ruins, Dave's dream self wakes up again on Derse's moon. Following Rose's advice, he looks into the sky and takes off his shades. He gets his first glimpse of the gods. He then wakes up from hearing a gunshot fired by Jade as she battles an imp and quickly teleports away, the first of three times he sees her in this manner. He sees her again in the LOHACSE, and again while visiting Jade's planet.
He then goes on to make all the money needed, to buy all the fraymotifs, which are powerful battle techniques purchased from consorts, and to reach the top of his echeladder. But he still wanted to know why he would never be able to reach John's level.
To satisfy his curiosity, Terezi gives him a choice somewhere in the middle of his timeline, a choice to be decided by a coin flip. He could assign the outcome of the flip to mean he would either be shown now, or later. The outcome of the flip, which Terezi did not even look at, was a constant. Two realities are created by his two possible decisions. The decision to be shown now creates a doomed reality, wherein Dave becomes doomed. The decision to wait simply continues the alpha reality, and Dave remains the alpha Dave. Doomed Dave follows Terezi's instructions, given to him before the flip. He is to go back in time, leaving his doomed timeline, and sleep on his Quest Bed, and if he has what it takes to reach his god tier, he will. Alpha Dave, after waiting some time, was instructed to go to the bed to find sleeping Dave, and kill him, thus allowing him to face the true gravity of the decision.
Dave doesn't go through with it, and decides to end his collaboration with Terezi for the time being. Later, doomed Dave wakes up, gets out of bed, and is immediately killed by Jack. 03:14 before the CRITICAL MOMENT, Terezi watches, and is upset by her involvement in his death. She runs off deeper into the lab.
Dave travels to Jade's planet, the Land of Frost and Frogs (LOFAF). While standing in the snow, he sees Jade appear briefly while fighting an imp, just as he did before in the ruins. He contacts her, and she mentions she has lost track of John. Dave tells her John's busy, without mentioning he was in the process of rising to the god tier. He says John can no longer be her server player, and they would have to make other plans.
Dave tells her to deploy the intellibeam laserstation in his apartment. The device allows very complex captcha codes for certain items, like a Sburb disc, to be read which couldn't otherwise be read by the human eye. He then creates a copy of his own server disc, and uses it to connect as Jade's server player. He becomes the server player for both Rose and Jade, though past Dave would stay concerned with Rose's connection, while he, as future Dave, would concern himself with Jade's connection. He deploys a new alchemiter and helps her upgrade it. With his massive reserve of grist accumulated in his travels and his more advanced torrenting capabilities, he allows Jade to alchemize some sophisticated equipment right away.
A bit later, she contacts him again after learning of his dead bro, and dead doomed self. He assured her the dead Dave was just a doomed copy, and he would be fine. She decides Jack needs to be stopped, and they should come up with a better plan than Rose's suicide mission to stop him. He suggests the idea is futile, but lets her know she'd come to her own decision regardless, and he'd be available to talk later if needed.
EVENTS FROM JADE'S PERSPECTIVE
When Jade's dream self is killed, her robot explodes, destroying her room, causing her to fall. Bec transports her bed to break her fall. She falls asleep. Now dream dead, she has a dream in a bubble blown by a god in the Furthest Ring, and meets Feferi there. Feferi, a Derse dreamer, went to sleep to convince the gods to establish dream bubbles where they can meet while asleep, as long as their dream selves are dead. While she is asleep, 04:13 before the CRITICAL MOMENT, Jack destroys the trolls' Derse, killing her and all the Derse dreamers. She, along with all the other trolls and Jade, would then only dream in the Furthest Ring, where she met Jade and attempted to show her the gods were harmless. But Jade sees through the bubble and catches a glimpse of the gods. She wakes up with a headache, scared of what she saw, and resolves to stay awake. Feferi messages her, and introduces herself as the one from the dream. It is the second time they have spoken. The first time was long ago, from Jade's perspective.
Jade realizes her robot has exploded, causing her to remember that was her cue to message Karkat. She does, and the aforementioned confusion takes place in the memo with past and future Karkat. Past Karkat berates her, while future Karkat defends her. She reprimands both of them for arguing with each other, who are the same person separated by only 3 hours. Dave enters the memo and mocks future Karkat for his flirtation with Jade after the lecture he gave to John and Dave on the subject. Jade ends the conversation, and is in no particular hurry to get back to him about the important matter he wanted to discuss.
The meteor impact is imminent. John connects with her, and helps her prepare for entry. She makes her entry item from the pre-punched card. A tree sprouts from the alchemiter, and a green Bec-shaped pinata dangles from a branch. A green blindfold appears over her eyes, which she cannot remove. She attempts to strike the pinata with the butt of the rifle, which does no damage. Instead it releases a burst of energy, causing the greenhouse to explode, and Jade to fly out and fall. While falling, she takes a shot in the dark with her rifle. By this point, Bec has prototyped himself to become Becsprite, and has destroyed the meteor with a massive green energy blast, releasing a huge shockwave spreading over the surface of the Earth, destroying much of what hadn't been already by the meteor storm of the reckoning. Becsprite then appears in front of her bullet, and redirects it into the head of the pinata, destroying it. Jade, her house, and a large part of her island including the volcano, are all transported into the medium, on LOFAF.
She falls through the snow of LOFAF, now unblindfolded. Becsprite again breaks her fall with a bed, and again she falls asleep. She has a recollection of sitting on her bed back on Earth some time ago, working on John's present. It's then that Feferi contacts her the first time. Jade believes she is trolling her like the others, but she only means to reassure her what happened wasn't her fault, as well as inform her of her plan to establish the dream bubbles. But soon, both realize this is not a memory, but a dream they are currently sharing, with the memory as a stage. Feferi meets Jade in her room and compliments her on her work on the bunny. Feferi also claims to be dead. Jade wakes up again, just as agitated as the first time she woke up.
She gets out of bed and realizes her lunchtop is still in the destroyed greenhouse. She begins her ascent, but is interrupted by an encounter with an imp, which takes her on a trans-incipisphere journey, visiting many locations and passing by three instances of Dave, including a future Dave who ends up helping her later. The imp is finally killed by Becsprite. PM from post-apocalypse Earth, just after discovering her station and en route to the frog ruins, tries to issue commands to Jade through the terminal. Becsprite is alert to these commands, and protectively destroys PM's terminal.
Jade returns and finds her computer undamaged. Future Dave contacts her after seeing her out in the snow. He then becomes her server player, and sets up her equipment after most of it was destroyed/transported before entry. As she prepares to alchemize new items, she is contacted by her "fairy god troll", a distinction which does not necessarily have anything to do with being a kid's patron troll. Tavros seeks permission from her to commune with Bec again. The first time he did it was when she was very young, and playing with her grandpa's flintlock pistols. She accidentally fired the gun at her self. Tavros communed with Bec to get him to transport the gun and the bullet away from her, and toward her grandpa who was picnicking with the blue doll, killing him. Tavros mistook him for an intruder, but regardless, Jade is upset by the revelation. He digs himself into a deeper hole by professing flushed feelings for her awkwardly, while making bold claims of high self esteem and confidence granted from his new robot legs. Put off by this, she is not particularly receptive to his plan to commune with Becsprite to take on Jack Noir, and ends the conversation.
Vriska, who was reading the conversation, mocks Tavros for his false show of confidence. She continues to take jabs at him, calling him a coward, unable to do the one thing she asked which would have given him real confidence. She refers to the incident preceding her resurrection to the god tier. After she was nearly beaten to death by Aradia, Tavros finds her, believing her to be dead. He attempts to bring her back to life with a kiss. But having woken up on Prospit after the beating, Vriska's dream self is able to control his mind. She makes him choke himself, simply to prevent the kiss to avoid the standard resurrection process, which would prohibit god tier ascension. She does not wish to control him completely, intending to leave the following decisions to him, to make him stronger. Instead, she merely controls his hand to write messages to himself using her blood. She instructs him to take her to her Quest Cocoon, and to kill her on the sacrificial slab before she bleeds to death. He hesitates, and she continues to insist, while her dream self gradually takes on the same wounds inflicted on her real self, causing her demands to become more desperate. The more desperate she gets, the more terrified Tavros he becomes, and he finally flees without killing her. She eventually dies, and is resurrected on the battlefield as the Thief of Light.
Still holding this against him, she berates him for his newfound attitude, and regards his plan to influence the kids' timeline as a cheap imitation of her tactics. She brags about the ways she has manipulated events on their timeline so far, by practicing her abilities on Jade repeatedly, causing her to fall asleep frequently. She describes ways in which she has inserted her agenda into existing events, tipping off agents to the whereabouts of the MEOW code book, and other such incidents which contributed to the rise of Jack Noir, so she could claim responsibility for his existence, before taking him on herself. Tavros becomes angry with her incessant mockery and the extent of her treachery, and decides to seek her out to challenge her. She waits for him somewhere in the lab.
After the conversation with Tavros, Jade alchemizes a number of items. One of which is a legendary rifle, Ahab's Crosshairs, supplied by Eridan. Eridan, now believing himself to be a powerful wizard, feels he's surpassed the need for the weapon, and gives it to Jade to fuel the rivalry he mistakenly assumes she has with Rose, as payback for Rose's early dismissal of his black advances. Jade recognizes it as one of the weapons she included with the bunny for John. The weapons were provided by her penpal, who she accidentally revealed to be her grandson from the future. The pen pal swore her to secrecy on the matter, so she did the same with Eridan, though he admitted this would be the last time he talked to any human regardless. Realizing the new rifle would serve as a sort of heirloom to her grandson, she decided to discard it outside her house, and allow it to reach her grandson eventually however it may. Eridan then blew up her Johnnytop.
Another item she created was a pair of junior compu-sooth spectagoggles, allowing her to see anything in the incipisphere at the present moment. She saw John as the Heir of Breath on the battlefield, Rose on LOHAC talking to Doc Scratch, Davesprite's pendant covered in blood nearby bro's dead body, and a slain doomed Dave. She contacts Dave to make sure he's alright. She then comes up with a plan to take on Jack Noir.
She contacts Tavros again to talk about the plan he proposed, but he has left to take on Vriska. She has only one idea left. She goes up to her grandpa's lab, summons Becsprite, and tosses in her dead dream self, which her grandpa had retrieved from the battlefield and stuffed many years ago. Becsprite becomes Jadesprite. But dream Jade is not pleased by the transformation. She freaks out, and releases the typical first guardian pyrotechnics. The lab plummets, crushing the column and greenhouse below. It bounces away from the house, rolling into large snowball, and settling near a green stump. The two Jades sit in a state of dismay amidst the rubble of the lab, in the glow of a damaged 4th wall.
As the clock ticks down to the CRITICAL EVENT, the most important character in Homestuck sits and watches this pandemonium ensue.
And then, the second most important character in Homestuck positions a shitty drawing of himself in front of a typewriter and writes this recap.
I think this typewriter is running out of ribbon ink.
Thank God, that white ink is such a pain in the ass to read.
|SPRITELOG|
JADE: uuugh JADE: what happened? JADESPRITE: boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo JADE: oh god JADESPRITE: what did you do what did you do what did you do JADE: oh no oh god..... JADE: what did i dooooo
|SPRITELOG|
JADE: um... jade? JADESPRITE: boo hoo hoooooo JADE: what is the matter? JADE: why are you so sad? JADESPRITE: what did you do to me?? JADE: i prototyped you and brought you back! JADE: should i not have? JADESPRITE: no! JADESPRITE: you shouldnt have, this is overwhelming and awful JADE: oh no, it is? JADESPRITE: yes! JADESPRITE: its hard to describe what its like JADESPRITE: but its too much for me JADESPRITE: and the sun... JADESPRITE: its way too big and bright and i cant stop seeing it... JADESPRITE: it wont go away aaaaah! JADE: :( JADE: thats terrible, im really sorry JADE: i guess i did not think this through JADESPRITE: cant this be undone? JADESPRITE: i was happy where i was with my friends JADESPRITE: i want to go back JADE: i dont think... JADE: that it can be undone :( JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO JADESPRITE: woof :'( JADE: :o
|SPRITELOG|
JADE: well... JADE: now i dont know what to do JADE: i really messed up, i feel so bad JADESPRITE: i dont know what to do with myself either JADESPRITE: i think i will just go somewhere else JADESPRITE: i want to be alone JADE: where would you go? JADESPRITE: i dont know JADESPRITE: i think i can travel anywhere now JADESPRITE: but all id like to do is go back JADESPRITE: and i dont know if thats possible JADESPRITE: i wonder if theres a way... JADE: but you cant! JADE: i mean, not just yet, please? JADESPRITE: why JADE: i know you are upset jade JADE: but i did sort of bring you back for a reason JADESPRITE: why, why would you do this? JADE: we need your help! JADESPRITE: who? JADE: well, all of us here JADE: me and dave and rose and john JADESPRITE: john!!!!!!!!!!! JADESPRITE: oh noooooo, john... JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO JADE: D: JADE: what is it now! JADESPRITE: john, poor john... JADESPRITE: id forgotten about him JADE: what do you mean, how could you forget about john??? JADESPRITE: it was so long ago! i put that sad memory behind me JADESPRITE: after we died i looked all over for him but couldnt find him JADESPRITE: and i was so lonely, but i finally got over it when i met my friends..... JADESPRITE: and now theyre gone toooo aaahhhh boooooooo hoo hoo hoo hoo JADE: but john didnt die! JADE: i saved him JADE: YOU saved him, dont you remember? JADE: you pushed him out of the way of prospits moon at the last minute, and hes ok now!!! JADESPRITE: oh my god prospit..... JADESPRITE: ........... JADE: oh nooo jade please dont JADESPRITE: BOOOOOOOOOOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO JADE: :C
|SPRITELOG|
JADESPRITE: why are you doing this to me, why are you making me remember JADE: :( JADESPRITE: it was so beautiful and it was all destroyed before i even knew what was going on.... JADESPRITE: and so many nice people were killed JADE: i know jade i was there too... JADE: these are both our memories! JADESPRITE: and the queen, did she survive? JADESPRITE: and her ring, i was protecting her ring, oh noooo what happened to it??? JADE: jade, pleeease... JADESPRITE: i was just waiting for john to wake up, i was so sure it was going to be soon JADESPRITE: and i was going to show him around prospit JADESPRITE: i had so many things planned and so many friends to introduce him to... JADESPRITE: he was my best friend and i was looking forward to meeting him for so long JADESPRITE: but then it all burned down and everyone died and the moon fell and.......... JADE: stop... JADE: you are going to make me cry too, stop it!!! JADESPRITE: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo JADE: *sob* JADESPRITE: woooof... JADE: PFFheheh... *sob* hehehehehehe
|SPRITELOG|
JADESPRITE: i dont want to be here, i have to go back JADESPRITE: but i dont know how JADESPRITE: can you help me? JADE: you want me to help you... JADE: die again? JADESPRITE: yes, i think thats what i would like JADESPRITE: i cant take this, i wasnt ready to come back JADESPRITE: not like this JADE: wow... JADE: ok, i know this is my fault JADE: but that is a really hard thing to ask me to do! JADE: even if it was possible the way you are now JADE: i dont think i could go through with it :( JADESPRITE: boo hoo hoo hoo hoo JADE: ok ok shhhhh... JADE: jade listen JADE: i never did tell you why i brought you back JADE: and it may be that JADE: if you attempt what i wanted you to do in the first place JADE: god i cant believe im saying this... JADE: but you might end up getting what you want anyway JADE: because it was always going to be risky JADESPRITE: what is it? JADE: well, you remember the guy who destroyed prospit? JADESPRITE: oh god D: JADESPRITE: ohh god noooooo... JADE: shh!!! JADE: anyway, he is the reason i brought you here JADE: he has the same powers you have, making him unbeatable to us... JADE: but maybe not you! JADE: so you could go find him and JADESPRITE: you want me to fight him??? JADE: um JADESPRITE: are you crazy? do i look like i am ready to fight anybody??????? JADE: i just thought JADE: as long as youre here JADESPRITE: i cant fight anybody! JADESPRITE: jade i am scared and confused and sad and... JADESPRITE: i wouldnt even know how to begin fighting that horrible guy JADESPRITE: i would be too afraid of him to even go find him JADE: but JADE: i thought you wanted to die? JADE: you wouldnt go even if he could... JADESPRITE: no i dont want him to kill me!!! JADESPRITE: you just dont understand aaaaa boo hoo hoo JADE: jeez... JADE: youre right, i really dont JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO JADE: i said SHH! JADE: wow JADE: jade... JADE: i dont mean to be insensitive but JADE: there is a lot at stake here! JADESPRITE: woof JADE: i... pfhehe, dont change the subject! JADE: i mean, dont you remember what this was all about? JADE: what you were working for... what WE were working for all those years before you died? JADE: remember what we saw in the clouds, or what the queen told us? JADESPRITE: uh... JADE: how could you not remember john survived? JADE: we both saw him in a cloud! he was in his dream suit and awake, reading our letter! JADE: didnt you think about that? JADESPRITE: ummmm, so? what does it matter? JADE: ... JADESPRITE: it was all a lie jade. what we saw in the clouds and all that. none of it meant anything JADE: what!!!!! JADE: how can you SAY that? JADESPRITE: it was a nice life, but everything we did lead to nothing JADESPRITE: john and i both died, and i eventually accepted that and moved on JADE: JOHN DIDNT DIE!!! JADE: omg... JADE: this is so frustrating, i just told you he didnt JADE: i knew i was kind of ditzy and forgetful in my dreams, but JADESPRITE: boooo ho- JADE: SHHHHH! okaaaaaay, jeez! JADE: i just dont know what to think JADE: i guess you are part of me, and you are who i was when i slept JADE: but it makes me sad to think i would act like this JADESPRITE: act like what? JADE: i would like to think that even if i was sad and scared, if i was put in a position where everyone depended on me, i could put all those feelings aside and do whats right! JADESPRITE: but i dont know whats right JADE: yes you do! JADE: even though you dont want to be, youre here now, and there are still people who need you JADE: there is still something worth fighting for!
|SPRITELOG|
JADESPRITE: no!!! JADESPRITE: not for me there isnt JADESPRITE: there is nothing but death and sadness and destruction here JADESPRITE: theres no hope, and i dont see anything worth fighting for JADE: that is a horrible thing to say! JADESPRITE: i dont belong here anyway JADESPRITE: really none of this is my business anymore and i want to go home JADE: AUGH! JADE: that is SO SELFISH!!! JADE: i cant believe this JADE: how can you say these things, dont you remember anything that the queen told us? JADE: that we would eventually build a new world and make a future together with our friends? JADE: dont you remember being excited about finding out what that meant? JADESPRITE: yes JADESPRITE: but it was just a story JADESPRITE: it was never going to come true JADE: yes it will!!! JADE: some of us, the ones who still have hope, are fighting for that RIGHT NOW JADE: how can you have such a negative outlook on absolutely everything? JADESPRITE: boo hoo ho- JADE: shut up!!!!!! JADE: stop being such a damn crybaby! JADE: really, we both had the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCES. and look, i am managing to keep my head up, see? JADE: you dont even have the full picture either, because you checked out early! JADE: you didnt have to stand by as bec gave jack his powers when you might have been able to stop that JADE: and you didnt have to watch as jack became so strong he could appear anywhere and kill anyone you loved at any moment! JADE: you didnt have to see a dave lying in his own blood :( JADESPRITE: what... JADESPRITE: dave? JADESPRITE: he died too? JADE: no, see... JADESPRITE: ohhhh boo- JADE: HEY! no. youre not allowed to cry about that because you DIDNT SEE IT JADE: thats the whole point!!! JADE: you are just looking for any excuse you can to be sad and useless and its starting to piss me off! JADESPRITE: *sniffle* JADE: no JADESPRITE: *whimper* JADE: NO. BAD. JADESPRITE: aaaaaaaBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO JADE: NO, FOR GODS SAKE WILL YOU SHUT UP AND PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY
|SPRITELOG|
JADESPRITE: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH JADE: I SAID PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER YOU BLUBBERING GODDAMN PANSY JADESPRITE: AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO JADE: JUST SHUT UP. DRY YOUR CRYBABY EYES, STOP BEING A COWARD, AND GO FIGHT JACK NOIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
|PESTERLOG|
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --
CG: ATTENTION HARLEY. CG: PLEASE STOP WEEPING WITH AND OR BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR SELF PROTOTYPED LUSUSPRITE CG: STOP DOING ONE OF THOSE THINGS AT LEAST CG: LONG ENOUGH TO ANSWER ME. CG: PLEASE. CG: PRETTY POLITE EARTH PLEASE. CG: WHO AM I KIDDING CG: I'M WASTING MY TIME AGAIN GG: karkat!!!!! CG: WHOA FUCK CG: YOU ANSWERED ME, I DONT BELIEVE IT GG: yes GG: im going crazy here GG: i never thought id say this, but im actually almost relieved to talk to you CG: WHAT CG: YOU ARE GG: or really ANYBODY besides that lunatic GG: SHE IS DRIVING ME NUTS!!!!!!! CG: OH YEAH? CG: HOW SO, EVERYTHING HERE APPEARS TO BE PROCEEDING RATIONALLY. CG: WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM GG: are you joking??? look at this mess! CG: MESS? JADE, NOW IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE *YOU'RE* THE ONE WHO'S JOKING. CG: YOUR HIVE BALL ROLLED DOWN A BEAUTIFUL WINTER HILL, AND YOU ARE SPENDING SOME QUALITY TIME WITH FAMILY. CG: YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO FILL ME IN ON THE NATURE OF THE PROBLEM. GG: okay... GG: i made the mistake of prototyping my dream self who has been dead for years GG: and shes completely crazy and theres no talking any sense into her CG: HMM. GG: hmm? CG: YES. "HMM." GG: hmm what CG: HMM AS IN HMM INTERESTING. CG: AS IN HMM HOW VERY, VERY FUCKING INTERESTING INDEED.
|PESTERLOG|
GG: :\ GG: what are you getting at??? CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT AM I GETTING AT. CG: I'M GETTING AT WHATEVER HMM INTERESTING GETS AT. CG: PLEASE GO ON, I'M LISTENING TO YOUR PROBLEM. GG: well... GG: i mean, i understand why she is upset GG: but she is completely inconsolable, and wont listen to reason about anything! GG: and i guess i could deal with that but... GG: the frustrating thing is that shes actually me :( GG: i really dont think i would act like that CG: HMMMMM. GG: will you stop saying hmm!!!!!! CG: OK, FINE. CG: WHAT OTHER SEQUENCE OF LETTERS WOULD YOU HAVE ME USE TO REGISTER MY PROFOUND FASCINATION. GG: fascination? GG: what do you find so fascinating? CG: I'M JUST TRYING TO UNDERSTAND. CG: I AM BEING SENSITIVE ABOUT IT INSTEAD OF A RAGING FUCKASS, ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU WANT. CG: YES, IT IS, IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME JUST ASK FUTURE YOU, ASSUMING THAT CONVERSATION DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY AS WELL. CG: NOW TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS. GG: my feelings? CG: YES, HOW DID THIS MAKE YOU FEEL. GG: well... GG: at first i was sad GG: because she made me remember all the sad things that just happened GG: but im trying to be strong about all that so we can keep moving forward GG: and if i can then why cant she? GG: but she just went on and on GG: and i started getting angry... GG: ugh i have never been so angry in my LIFE!!! CG: HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. GG: I SAID STOP SAYING FUCKING HMM CG: o:B GG: what does THAT mean????? GG: is that supposed to be someone with a halo and goofy teeth? GG: ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME? CG: NO, NO CG: YOU'RE LOOKING AT IT BACKWARDS CG: THOSE ARE MY HORNS GG: oh GG: haha oops CG: OK SO IF I'M UNDERSTANDING YOU CG: YOU'RE ANGRY AT A VERSION OF YOURSELF FROM A DIFFERENT POINT IN TIME CG: BECAUSE SHE'S BEING AN OVERLY EMOTIONAL SHITHEAD WHO IS BASICALLY THE MOST REVOLTING SELF LOATHING PIECE OF FILTH YOU HAVE EVER MET CG: AM I FOLLOWING GG: yeah, pretty much CG: I'M NOT GOING TO SAY HMM AGAIN CG: BUT COME ON CG: DON'T YOU FIND THE SITUATION TO BE JUST THE SLIGHTEST BIT INTERESTING? CG: I MEAN, CONSIDERING GG: considering what?? CG: IF I RECALL, IT WASN'T THAT LONG AGO FROM EITHER OF OUR PERSPECTIVES THAT YOU WERE RIPPING ON ME AND MY SMUG WINDBAG FUTURE SELF FOR ARGUING WITH EACH OTHER GG: oh come on... GG: this is NOTHING like that! CG: HOW IS THIS NOT LIKE THAT GG: because she's... GG: well GG: she's ACTUALLY INSANE CG: OH I SEE, AND ALL THOSE IDIOT PAST AND FUTURE KARKATS WEREN'T??? GG: but GG: those are you GG: im not her! CG: OH AREN'T YOU CG: YOU JUST SAID YOU WERE, I JUST HEARD YOU SAY THAT CG: SO TELL ME CG: HOW IS THIS EVEN THE SLIGHTEST FUCKING BIT DIFFERENT? GG: i dont know GG: it just... CG: YES, GO ON CG: I'M REALLY CURIOUS CG: HOW GG: ... GG: oh my god GG: youre right :(
|PESTERLOG|
GG: so then i guess GG: im a hypocrite :( CG: NOT REALLY CG: IT JUST MEANS YOU'RE A SANE RATIONAL PERSON, AND THERE JUST MIGHT BE HOPE FOR YOU YET GG: wait... GG: so me arguing with my dead dream self GG: and smacking her around while screaming at her GG: makes me SANE??? CG: YES, ABSOLUTELY. CG: IT MEANS ALL OF YOUR HIDEOUS FLAWS DISGUST YOU. CG: YOU ARE RIGHT TO BE DISGUSTED, IT'S MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE CAN SAY FOR THEMSELVES. CG: REALLY, CONGRATULATIONS ARE IN ORDER. GG: hahaha, wow GG: you are so weird CG: CONGRATULATIONS, IN ADDITION TO, JUST MAYBE, AN APOLOGY. CG: DON'T YOU THINK? GG: you want me to apologize?! GG: for what, calling you crazy for arguing with yourself??? CG: WOULD IT REALLY KILL YOU TO CONSIDER IT? GG: after taking so much crap from you for all those years? GG: no forget it, im not apologizing that is BULLSHIT CG: DEAD DREAM DOG JADE, IS THAT YOU??? YOU'RE SOUNDING A BIT HYSTERICAL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALM DOWN. GG: shut uuuup!!! CG: WELL IF YOU CAN MANAGE TO GET YOUR ANEURYSM UNDER CONTROL CG: MAYBE YOU WILL REALIZE I DIDN'T ACTUALLY SPECIFY TO WHOM AN APOLOGY WAS IN ORDER. CG: IDIOT. GG: what GG: are you saying you want to apologize CG: I GUESS CG: THIS APOLOGY WAS GOING TO GO DOWN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, SO THIS MIGHT AS WELL BE THE TIME. CG: AND LET'S FACE IT, I WAS REALLY BEING THE WORST KIND OF PHLEGM BUBBLE BLOWN OUT A NOISY GLISTENING ASS. CG: SO I'M SORRY. CG: BUT TO BE FAIR, IT WAS MY PAST SELF WHO WAS GIVING YOU SUCH A HARD TIME, AND HE'S COMPLETELY DERANGED. GG: ok, i appreciate the THOUGHT of an apology, but i dont know if it really counts if you are just going to pawn off responsibility on your "past self" again! GG: maybe your "present self" should own up to it! CG: YEAH THAT'S WHAT HE'S DOING. CG: HE, BEING ME, RIGHT NOW, IS OWNING UP TO WHAT A FUCKING RETARD PAST ME WAS, AND CONTINUES TO BE. GG: laaaaame CG: YES, I KNOW IT'S LAME. CG: OR I KNOW THAT YOU THINK IT'S LAME WHEN I SAY SHIT LIKE THAT. CG: BECAUSE REMEMBER CG: I HAVE BEEN TALKING TO YOU FROM THE FUTURE, AND I KNOW YOU DON'T COTTON TO MY PCG/FCG STUPIDITY. CG: BUT SEE, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT YET. CG: OR MORE SPECIFICALLY, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT YET. CG: SO I'M KIND OF PULLING A FAST ONE HERE. GG: hahahaha, that is so ridiculous GG: why dont you stop it with all this nonsense and own up to being terrible unequivocally? CG: YEAH I'M GOING TO. CG: THE THING IS, I KIND OF MISREPRESENTED MYSELF. CG: I'M NOT AS MUCH OF A SCUMBAG AS I WAS SO DETERMINED TO MAKE OUT WITH MYSELF TO BE. CG: FUCK I MEAN CG: MAKE MYSELF OUT TO BE GG: :o CG: I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHY I TROLLED YOU LIKE THAT SO PERSISTENTLY CG: FOR SOME REASON DEEP DOWN I JUST KNEW THAT I HAD TO CG: EVEN IF IT MEANT DIGGING MYSELF INTO A HUGE HOLE WITH YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE THAT WOULD BE HARD TO CLIMB OUT OF CG: AND LIKE PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING I SAID WAS COMPLETELY BASELESS BECAUSE I DIDN'T ACTUALLY KNOW YOU CG: JUST LIKE YOU DIDN'T AND STILL DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW ME CG: SO I GUESS I AM APOLOGIZING FOR IT, LIKE REALLY SERIOUSLY NOW. CG: I, PRESENT KARKAT, IN THE CURRENT MOMENT, APOLOGIZE ON BEHALF OF MY STUPID PAST SELF, *WHO IS ACTUALLY ME*. CG: THE GUY TALKING RIGHT NOW. CG: LIKE, THERE'S NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THOSE GUYS, OK? GG: hmmmm... CG: HMMMM??????? GG: yes, hm CG: HM WHAT GG: ok karkat, that sounds pretty sincere to me GG: and youre right, i dont actually know you GG: i just know the part of you who acted like a bully GG: i understand there can be more to a person than just the stuff they say when theyre angry GG: so i will accept your apology and give you another chance CG: OK, GREAT. GG: and i will apologize for calling you crazy GG: obviously i am not in much position to judge :| CG: NO BUT CG: YOU WERE RIGHT, I AM CRAZY CG: BUT THANKS ANYWAY GG: so you say you have been talking to me from the future? CG: YEAH CG: MAKING PLANS AND WHATNOT CG: TO PRY OURSELVES MUTUALLY OUT OF THIS MASSIVE MOBIUS DOUBLE CLUSTERFUCK. GG: ok, so what is the plan? GG: i mean, why did you want me to contact you at this moment so badly? CG: OK WELL THE MOST IMMEDIATE POINT OF BUSINESS IS CG: YOU SEE THAT GLOWING BLUE SCREEN BEHIND YOU? GG: yes CG: YOU NEED TO TURN THAT FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT OFF.
|PESTERLOG|
GG: ok, i can do that GG: but why, what does it do? GG: its been here my whole life and i could never figure it out CG: I'M NOT GOING TO SAY MUCH ABOUT IT. CG: BUT SUFFICE TO SAY THERE ARE JUST SOME THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO SCREW WITH. CG: THERE ARE OUTCOMES THAT ARE EVEN WORSE THAN THE COMPLETE ANNIHILATION OF EXISTENCE ITSELF CG: FORCES MORE DAMAGING TO THE INTEGRITY OF REALITY THAN THOSE CAPABLE OF TURNING IMAGINATION INTO PURE VOID CG: THEY ARE FORCES WHICH IF HANDLED RECKLESSLY WILL NULLIFY THE BASIC ABILITY OF INTELLIGENT BEINGS IN ALL REAL AND HYPOTHETICAL PLANES OF EXISTENCE TO GIVE A SHIT. GG: i dont think im following... CG: YOU DON'T HAVE TO FOLLOW CG: ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS TURN THE THING OFF CG: AND THEN DO THE NEXT THING I WAS TOLD TO TELL YOU TO DO. GG: you were told? GG: by who? CG: BY YOU. GG: oh... GG: future me? CG: YES. CG: YOU COULD BE TELLING YOURSELF THIS RIGHT NOW, BUT WE'RE SORT OF WORKING ON A STRICT NO MEMO POLICY. CG: WHICH IS YOUR IDEA OF COURSE. CG: DID I MENTION HOW YOU DON'T LIKE IT WHEN WE ARGUE WITH OUR PAST/FUTURE SELVES? YES, PRETTY SURE I DID. CG: SO I'M GOING ALONG WITH THE POLICY AS BEST I CAN. CG: I AM BEING PLEASANT AND AGREEABLE, AND I WILL GENTLY LOWER A MAGNIFICENT, CORUSCATING COLUMN OF HOT FUCK YOU DOWN THE PROTEIN CHUTE OF ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE. GG: uh... ok GG: well it sounds like a pretty good policy to me! CG: YOU DON'T SAY. CG: SO ANYWAY, BECAUSE OF THAT, MY ROLE AT THE MOMENT IS TO ACT AS A SORT OF GO BETWEEN FOR YOU AND YOUR FUTURE SELF CG: TO HELP ALONG THE PROCESS OF MAKING THESE PLANS CG: WHILE YOUR FUTURE SELF IS DELIBERATELY VAGUE ABOUT SOME STUFF SO AS NOT TO "JINX" THE CONCEPTION OF THE IDEAS IN THE FIRST PLACE I GUESS? CG: ALL WHILE YOUR CURRENT SELF IS NECESSARILY KIND OF DUMB ABOUT EVERYTHING. GG: hey!!! CG: SORRY, OK, JUST KIND OF IGNORANT CG: BECAUSE STUFF HASN'T HAPPENED YET CG: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. CG: IT'S NOT ALL THAT STRAIGHTFORWARD FOR ME EITHER, BUT I'M USED TO THIS SORT OF IDIOCY BY NOW. CG: IT'S A LOT BETTER THAN THE MORONIC REVERSE CONVERSATION WITH EGBERT I TRAPPED MYSELF INTO. CG: MEANWHILE TIME IS KIND OF RUNNING OUT HERE, WHERE I AM CG: WE'RE COUNTING DOWN TO SOMETHING CG: SOMETHING LOOMING ON THE TROLLIAN TIMELINE AND NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IT IS CG: AND MY TEAM IS KIND OF FALLING APART CG: I'M COMPLETELY LOSING TRACK OF EVERYONE AND WHAT THEY'RE DOING. CG: SO AT THIS POINT I'M JUST GOING ALONG WITH WHATEVER THERE IS TO GO ALONG WITH. CG: AND THAT IS YOU AND YOUR CRAZY FUTURE PLANS. CG: AND THE SCRATCH. GG: oh yeah! dave told me about that. GG: what is it? CG: I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! CG: AT ONE POINT I THOUGHT I DID, I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST WHATEVER SENT JACK HERE. CG: BUT CLEARLY IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE. CG: ARADIA KNEW BUT SHE DIDN'T SAY, AND THEN SHE WENT AND GODDAMN EXPLODED. CG: YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME EITHER, BECAUSE I'M NOT "SUPPOSED TO KNOW" YET. CG: WHATEVER, I DON'T EVEN CARE, LET'S JUST DO IT. GG: ok then... GG: what was the thing i told you to tell me to do? GG: right now, i mean CG: OK, DON'T ASK ME WHY, BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW THAT EITHER. CG: BUT THAT BLUE SCREEN THERE CG: FIRST, LIKE I SAID, SHUT IT OFF GG: ok GG: then what CG: THEN YOU NEED TO DRAW IT. GG: draw it? CG: YES GG: and then? CG: THEN NOTHING CG: THAT'S IT.
You size up the arcane contraption. The blue flicker of the coat's lining is arresting. But you don't know it's a coat. That would only invite more questions. You don't know what it shields. Nor do you know whose shoulders it was meant to cover. If you knew that - if you even knew his name - you would understand terror no human ever has.
You should really listen to Karkat and turn it off. If you start messing with it, I will seriously start fucking everything up. It would be irresponsible of both of us to let that happen.
You suddenly wonder where Jadesprite went. You wonder that because I said you did. I know where she went. But I will not say.
In your attempt to find an exit, you have pried some paneling off the walls. But you are no closer to discovering a means of escape.
So you have resolved to build a fort instead.
You feel safe and sound in the cozy confines of your wobbly station panel walls. It should allow you to relax and pass the time, while you wait for the only source of energy you are aware of to present itself.
You have humored these antics long enough. It is time you slipped out the partially open door to seek help, since your beloved master has clearly gone stark raving mad.
A fifth exile, sleeping for centuries in the belly of the ruins, far beneath the desecrated idol once sharing its visage with the legendary SPEAKER OF THE VAST CROAK.
She may choose to appoint a WASTELANDIC VINDICATOR as her kingdom's hero, a warrior selected and groomed to face the slayer with the weapon he protects.
You have already viewed this moment a hundred times. It is no less confounding on your one hundred and first.
There is nothing otherwise unusual about the scene. A simple girl is understandably preoccupied by her handsome assortment of orbs, while surrounded by her ever growing band of amphibious and reptilian acolytes.
|PESTERLOG|
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --
GA: Are You Feeling Any More Cooperative In This Timeframe GG: password! GA: I See No Of Course Not GA: Please GA: I Know You Were Talking To Her Shortly Before GA: What Did You Say To Her GG: I SAID PASSWORD FUCKASS!!!!! GA: Wow GG: whoops sorry GG: ive been having too many password arguments with karkat i guess :p GA: I Still Dont Understand The Password Thing GA: Past You Doesnt Care About Passwords What Happened GG: well...... GG: it depends, do you want to have a silly conversation or a serious conversation? GA: Which Is Favorable GG: both are! GG: but a silly conversation mostly doesnt matter or make the timeline more confusing than it needs to be GG: so we can have one right now if you want GG: in fact i would say it is coming dangerously close to being one already! GG: but if it is a serious conversation you want then im afraid i must demand a........ GG: PASSWORD :P GA: Can We Discuss A Serious Issue In A Silly Manner GG: nope! GA: How Am I Supposed To Know The Password GG: because i told you GA: I Dont Remember That GG: exactly!!!!!!!!!!! GA: I Feel Like I Am Trudging Waist Deep Through A Slither Basin Full Of Your Human Surprise Noodles GG: hehehe GG: yum :B ?????????????????????? GA: I Understand This Silliness Is Currently Permissible But Are Serious Questions About The Password Nonsense Permissible As Well GG: hmm, i suppose those are acceptable GA: Why Are You Demanding Passwords From Me And Also Apparently Karkat GG: to keep the conversations linear! GG: i gave you a password at the end of our previous conversation GG: you have to give me that password to start our next conversation GG: this ensures that past you cant jump ahead into the conversation and mess everything up, like you are trying to do now! GA: I Am Not Trying To Do That GG: i know, but trust me its better this way :) GA: When Will I Get The Password GG: i dont know, i have no idea what time you are from! GG: but you will get it, i gave it to you some time ago at the end of our last conversation GG: and i have been eagerly awaiting your linear and unconfusing reply ever since! GG: bye kanaya <3
-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased being trolled by grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --
|PESTERLOG|
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --
GA: Im Appreciating Our Conversations From This Timeframe More And More GA: Past You Is Much Less Of A Taskmaster Than Future You Or Pre Blackout Rose GG: thanks i think! GG: what do you mean by pre blackout rose? GA: I Mean Post Blackout Rose Is A Lot Less Difficult Insofar As She Is Unavailable GG: umm, ok... GG: but what do you mean by blackout??? GA: I Guess Youll Find Out Soon GA: And Then Report It To Me Under Extremely Specific Circumstances GA: Which Is Good Because I Sure Dont Know GG: hmm @_@ GA: Yes Hmm And That Face Is A Good Response GA: Your Eyes Are Right To Be Swirled Letters GA: What Are You Doing GG: im doing what you told me to do! GG: im getting dave to set up that expensive equipment GG: so i can start doing all that witch of spacey stuff you were telling me about GG: which i appreciate, since my sprite turned out to be sad and useless, and not very wise at all :( GA: I See GA: Well I Didnt Actually Tell You To I Was Just Being Informative GA: Also It Isnt Technically Witch Of Spacey Stuff GA: I Was A Sylph Not A Witch GG: oh GG: what is a sylph? GA: I Think Its Sort Of Like A Witch GA: But More Magical GG: a magical witch??? GA: Yes Im Completely Certain Of That Suddenly GG: thats awesome GA: But Regardless I Think Our Roles Are Approximately The Same Since We Are Both Stokers Of The Forge GA: As Well As Holders Of Breeding Duties GA: However I Should Clarify That My Earlier Counsel Was Mostly Academic GA: It Takes Weeks To Do All Of It Properly GA: You Wont Have Time GG: breeding duties?????
|PESTERLOG|
GA: Yeah GG: uhhhhhhhhh... GG: please tell me that doesnt involve what it sounds like! GA: What Does It Sound Like GG: it sounds like GG: it involves GG: a lot of breeding :\ GA: Well It Does GA: But Not Breeding Through Means Typical Of Most Species GG: oh GG: does the equipment we are deploying have anything to do with it? GA: It Has A Lot To Do With It GA: It Is Cloning Equipment Much Like What Is Scattered All Over The Veil GA: The Same Kind Responsible For Creating All Of Us GG: ok then, thats pretty neat GA: I Didnt Mean To Alarm You By Implying You Were Required To Wage A Great Deal Of Personal Procreation Over A Span Of Several Weeks GG: yeah, whew <_<; GA: Though It Should Be Clear That Repopulation Is Among Our Duties As Well In The Long Term GA: And Ive Gathered That The Cloning Apparatus In The Veil Is Probably Meant To Permit An Initial Boost On The World We Select For Settlement GA: But Beyond That It Is Up To The Descendants To Perpetuate The Race GA: And Your Species Has Quite An Advantage In This Respect GG: how so? GA: Your Procreation May Be Carried Out By Paired Individuals Autonomously GA: Whereas Ours May Not GA: Which Is What Makes My Role Particularly Important GG: what is your role? GA: Im The Keeper Of The Matriorb GA: It Is An Egg That Will Hatch A New Mother Grub GA: She Alone Will Be Responsible For Bearing Our Young GG: whoa, cool! GG: so you are like bugs, like bees or ants or such, but with horns GA: I Guess So GA: And You Are Like Erect Livestock GA: Without The Muscle Definition GA: Or The Hermaphroditic Physiology For That Matter GG: :o GA: But Milk Producers Nonetheless GA: That Rare Kind Of Organism To Nurture Hatchless Young Within GA: Are You Not GG: errr....... GG: yes 8|
|PESTERLOG|
GA: Anyway GA: I Had Imagined I Would Hatch The New Grub On A Planet In Your Universe GA: And When That Became Impossible I Quickly Lost Hope GA: I Assumed It Would Remain Locked In Its Card Forever GA: Which Could Only Be Opened When The Orb Was Meant To Be Used GA: But Then I Found Something Quite Unexpected When I Was Exploring This Lab GA: I Found A Key GA: It Was Deep In The Meteor GA: And As I Suspected It Released The Orb GA: Which Was Really Confusing To Me For A While GA: Until I Realized What It Meant GA: Which Is So Obvious Im Amazed I Didnt Think Of It Right Away GG: what! GA: It Means I Am Supposed To Use It Now GA: To Hatch The Grub In The Heart Of This Meteor
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GG: you think so? GA: Sure GA: There Is No Reason A Meteor Couldnt Act As The Center Of Our Races Resurrection GA: They Are Themselves Like Large Seeds After All GA: The Only Question Is Whether We Can Manage To Keep It From Being Destroyed GA: As Well As Whether I Am Able To Raise A Mother Grub To Maturity GA: Oh Wow That Thought Is Actually Pretty Overwhelming GG: i think you can do it! GA: You Do GG: yes... GG: didnt you say your lusus was a grub? GA: Yes She Was In Fact A Mother Grub GA: Who Relinquished Her Calling As Matriarch To Raise Me GG: thats perfect! GG: if you were raised by a mother grub, then you are in a great position to raise one yourself GG: it is like... GG: a sort of family legacy! GG: a really cool alien family legacy GA: Okay GA: Thanks For Saying So
|PESTERLOG|
GG: dont mention it! GG: so how does this cloning stuff work? GA: Its Very Involved GA: Like I Said You Wont Have Time GA: In Fact It Probably Should Have Taken Considerably Longer Than It Took Me GA: I Was A Little Rushed GG: i want to try anyway! GG: if you can hold out hope for rebuilding your race in the center of a meteor, then i think i can at least try to get a little cloning done with the time i have left GA: Yes Youre Right GA: I Cant Imagine How You Can Complete The Objective In The Time Given GA: But Weirder Things Have Happened I Think GA: First Deploy The Pad GG: yes, dave is doing that at the top of this ridiculous tower GA: Um GA: Why All The Way Up There GG: didnt you say it needed to be in a warm place? GA: Yes Thats Right GG: my house is freezing now GG: it ran on geothermal power before... GG: and i guess theres no heat anywhere inside this planet GA: That Will Probably Change If You Light The Forge GA: But One Thing At A Time I Guess GG: yes i would like to hear about that later... GG: but yeah the weather seems just fine out here in the medium! GG: lets see how dave is doing.....
|PESTERLOG|
GG: its... GG: so small :o GA: Thats The Appropriate Size For The Equipment GG: but GG: clone babies can barely even fit on that thing! GA: Babies GA: What GG: i mean young humans!!! GG: you know, that we milk producers nurture hatchless within? GA: Yes I Know GA: I Didnt Mean To Suggest Your Breeding Duties Involved Cloning Humans GA: Repopulation Is Not Whats Happening Here GA: Its Not Your Objective As The Witch Of Space GA: Not Yet Anyway GG: then what is the objective? GG: what am i breeding???? GA: Frogs GG: :O GA: Sorry I Thought That Was Obvious
|PESTERLOG|
GG: i cant get over how tiny this thing is! GG: its so cute GG: so the baby frogs show up on this pad here? GA: Yes GG: i cant wait to try it GA: What Are You Laughing At There GG: oh GG: lol GG: dave just has a lot of funny stuff to say about all this GA: What Is He Saying GG: oh you know, a bunch of silly stuff GG: theres too much to copy/paste! GA: Hmm GG: here ill save it all to a file and send it to you
-- gardenGnostic [GG] sent grimAuxiliatrix [GA] the file "daveisafunnyguy.txt" --
GA: Okay Im Laughing Pretty Hard At All That GG: hahaha GG: alright how do i get started! GA: He Will Need To Deploy The Terminal GA: Then You Can Start Hunting For Frogs To Appearify From Around Your World
|PESTERLOG|
GG: ok, here is a frog on the screen GG: on no, is it trapped in ice? GA: I Would Conjecture That Most Of Them Are GA: And Will Stay That Way Until The Forge Is Brought To Life GA: I Think The Event Is Designed To Trigger Drastic Planetary Upheaval Wherever The Forge Is Stationed GA: It Did On My Planet As Well GG: was your planet covered in ice too? GA: No Mostly Water GG: cool! GG: anyway, i will try to rescue this frog GG: so i push this button to appearify it? GA: Yes GA: It Probably Wont Do Any Good But You Can Try GG: ok........
|PESTERLOG|
GG: oh god, it is still a frogcicle!!!! GG: this will not do GA: The Problem Isnt That The Frog Is Still Frozen GA: The Problem Is That You Were Able To Appearify It At All GA: Ectobiology Is Based Entirely On Your Inability To Appearify A Subject GG: i dont understand! GG: but i am intrigued... GA: If That Frog Were Destined To Do Something Else GA: Such As Become Ensnared In Your Net Later GA: You Would Not Be Able To Appearify It Because That Would Cause A Paradox GA: So Instead You Would Appearify Its Slime Imprint GA: The Paradox Slime Is What Is Important Here GA: You Can Mix It With The Slime From Other Paradoxically Appearified Frog Imprints GA: Study The Genes And Selectively Combine GA: And Then Create Resulting Paradox Clones GG: ok, that makes sense i think GG: how can i appearify some frog slime? GA: You Will Need To Direct The Terminal To Another Frog GA: And Then You Must Be Sure Later To Interfere With That Frog In Some Way GA: For Instance By Planning To Venture Out To Capture That Exact Frog As I Suggested Earlier GA: That Way It Will Be Impossible To Appearify The Frog Before Your Interference Has Taken Place GA: Only Its Slime Will Arrive GG: so it is like GG: a sort of backwards frog breeding GG: clone first, catch later? GA: Yes
|PESTERLOG|
GG: ok, i will try this GG: heheh, look at this handsome guy here, hiding in the woods and being sneaky GG: he looks frozen solid too GG: so if i go bother him later, that means if i try to take him now i will only get slime right??? GA: Yes That Should Work GA: Make A Note Of The Coordinates GA: When You Travel To Interact With Your Cloned Subjects You Are Also Taking The Opportunity To Explore And Discover New Habitats GA: As Well As New Species Of Frogs For Your Terminal To Track GA: Its Efficient To Go Adventuring In This Fashion While You Are Waiting For Your Young Clones To Mature GG: that sounds like fun!!!!!!! GA: Yes Its A Lot Of Fun GA: It Is Also Extremely Time Consuming GA: Unlike Some Appearifiers In The Veil This One Is Locked To The Present Moment GA: You Cannot Use It As A Window Into The Future Or Past And Isolate Frogs Whose Futures Are Certain And Therefore Most Paradoxifiable GA: Means Of Expedition Are Limited GA: I Suppose You Could Use Time Travel To Accelerate The Process GA: But You Would Need To Establish Weeks Worth Of Stable Time Loops GA: I Think It Would Be An Overly Elaborate And Dangerous Undertaking Personally And Anyone Who Would Attempt Such A Thing Is Reckless GA: I Wouldnt Advise It GG: hmmmmm GG: k hang on while i clone this fella.....
|PESTERLOG|
GG: yaaaaaay!!! GA: Youll Need Somewhere To Keep Them While They Grow GA: Like A Pool Or A Tank Or Such GA: Or At Least Something Temporary GA: Water Wasnt Very Hard For Me To Come By But For You I Dont Know GG: i will think of something... GG: i wont let the poor little guy suffocate!
|PESTERLOG|
GG: so i am supposed to wait for him to grow up, and then breed him with other frog paradox clones? GA: Yes But This Isnt All There Is To The Cloning Process GA: A True Paradox Clone Is An Exact Genetic Duplicate Of The Subject GA: Later That Clone Will Be Sent Back In Time To Become Itself GA: In Fact If It Is An Exact Duplicate This Is Guaranteed To Happen GA: This Is What Classifies It As A Paradox Clone GA: Any Duplicate Which Genetically Deviates From The Original Is Not GA: It Is Simply A Mutant GA: And For Breeding Purposes Mutation Is Desirable GA: Within Reason GA: You May Adjust The Settings On The Equipment To Promote Genetic Anomalies GA: But Its Very Delicate And You Can Go Too Far GA: Responsibly Guiding The Evolution Of The Genetic Code During The Breeding Process Is Very Important GA: In Fact It Is The Most Important Thing About This Of All GG: it is? GA: Yes GG: huh... GG: so what is the actual purpose of all this breeding? GG: am i trying to make one really special frog with just the right genetic code or something? GG: sort of like the ULTIMATE FROG :O GA: Actually GA: Yes GA: Thats Exactly What Youre Doing GG: oh! GA: Your Objective Is To Breed The Genesis Frog
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GG: why? GA: You Cant Complete The Game Without Doing So GA: Your Entire Mission Depends On Breeding Him GG: him? GG: so he is a boy frog? GA: Yes GA: He Will Begin As A Tadpole Like You Have There But Considerably Bigger GA: And He Will Mature To Become The Speaker GA: A Deity Like Figure Idolized By The Consorts Who Wait For Him To Come GG: the speaker? GA: Hes Known As The Speaker Of The Vast Croak GG: hehehe GG: CROOOOOOAK GA: Yes The Croak Really Is Quite Vast And Is Something To Behold GA: Its The Most Amazing Thing I Have Seen GG: then the speaker is like a god, but there are a lot of them? GG: like one for each session, kind of like the kings and queens? GA: Yes There Will Be One For Every Session Should The Players Be Successful GA: And Each One Is A Unique Product Of Their Quest GA: The Kingdoms Are At Odds Over His Creation GA: Prospit Worships Him Much As The Consorts Do GA: Derse Reviles Him And Outlaws Frogs Wherever They Can GA: Even The Iconography GA: Their Agents Mock His Name With Slurs GA: Like Speaker Of The Vast Joke GA: Or Bilious Slick GA: Although To Be Honest That Is What We Ended Up Calling Him GA: Not To Be Disrespectful Though It Was Just A Catchier Name GG: it is pretty catchy... GG: if i call him that i will be sure to say i mean no offense! GA: I Doubt Its Even Possible To Offend Him GG: thats good GG: ok then what? GG: what do we do after i make this big god froggy? GG: does it have something to do with the new universe we create? GA: Most Certainly GG: you said he was a genesis frog GG: does that mean we bring him into the universe and... GG: he makes new planets or life or such? GA: No GA: Youre Not Really Understanding The Magnitude Of His Role GA: He Is Not Responsible For Just One Aspect Of The Universe You Create GA: Hes Responsible For All Of Them GA: Bilious Slick Is Your Universe
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GG: really??? GA: I Dont Mean Hes The Universe You Are From GA: We Engineered That Incarnation GA: He Is The Universe That You Are Trying To Create GG: yes i got that! GA: Sorry GA: I Thought It Was Obvious But Then Wasnt Sure GG: you mean he is LITERALLY a universe? GA: Yes Literally GA: That Statement Was As Literal As You Can Possibly Make Words Be GA: I Know Your Species Is Frequently Insincere For A Variety Of Reasons GG: but your species is too! GG: especially karkat, he is incredibly sarcastic GA: Thats True But When We Do It Its Usually Just Because We Are Trying To Be Jerks GA: Rather Than By Way Of A Mild Manner Perpetually Dispatching Little Puzzles Of Rhetoric Without Apparent Purpose GG: but i dont do that! GG: i try to say what i mean as much as i can GA: Yeah I Think Ive Been Discerning That GA: Its A Nice Change Of Pace GG: from what? GA: Oh Its Not Important GG: haha, you mean from rose? GA: Well GA: Not That It Wasnt An Enjoyable Exercise In Xenocultural Inculcation GG: yeah, rose and dave are like that all the time! GG: they inculcate that stuff like crazy GG: so you have been talking to her a lot i guess? GA: Sort Of GG: are you best friends now?? GA: I Guess As Mutually Friendly As The Time Has Permitted Two People To Be GA: I Wont Be Speaking To Her Anymore Though GG: why? GG: oh yeah, because you said she is blacked out? GG: what the heck does that mean! GA: It Just Means In A Few Moments From Your Perspective I Wont Be Able To See Her Through My Viewport Or Talk To Her GA: I Dont Know Why Exactly But Its Not That Hard To Guess GA: She Has Been Relying On The Powers And Counsel Of Dark Gods And Other Sources Of Ambiguous Intent GA: And She Has Consequently Devised A Plan Which Sounds Very Dangerous To Me GG: yeah, i didnt like the sound of her plan either! GA: You Are More Sensible GA: Its Probably The Influence Skaia Has Had On You GA: Having Spent Much Of Your Life Awake On Prospit GA: Like Me GG: you did??????? GA: If Were Alike In Some Ways Maybe Its Because Of This GG: yeah! :D GA: I Woke Up A Long Time Ago GA: I Had Trouble Sleeping When I Was Young GA: The Sunlight Was Unnaturally Invigorating To Me I Guess GA: My Lusus Could Do Nothing To Help GA: And When I Was Supposed To Be In My Cocoon I Would Often Wander Out To The Desert GA: Where One Day I Was Visited By A Stranger Who Dressed And Spoke In White GA: He Put Me To Sleep And I Awoke On Prospit GA: Where I Have Dreamed Ever Since GA: He Said He Was My Guardian GA: And Though He Visited Rarely I Did Regard Him As That GA: Then Later He Stopped Coming GA: In Time I Began To Believe He Was A Figment Of My Mind GA: Like An Imaginary Friend To Give Me Reassurance When I Needed It GA: But Then While Playing Our Game I Learned He Was Real GA: He Had Spoken To Others From Our Party GA: And Had Been Manipulating Us All To Advance His Schemes GA: It Was Saddening To Learn My Fortuitous Awakening Had Been The Product Of A Nefarious Ploy GA: Youre Lucky That Your Awakening Probably Had No Such Entanglements GG: jeez, i hope not... GA: But I Guess Its Only A Minor Contamination Of Something Otherwise Great GA: I Was Allowed To See What Skaia Would Show Me GA: And To Prepare For Dangers Ahead And Try To Protect People GG: me too!!!!! GG: wow kanaya i did not realize how much we had in common GA: Youre Right We Do GA: I Feel A Bit Silly That It Took Me So Long To Engage With The One Corresponding Closely With My Role GA: It Must Be A Certain Madness Im Afflicted By GA: To Orbit Those More Reckless And Dangerous Than I And More Daring For It GA: I Guess I Want To Help Them But They Never Can Be Helped It Seems GG: well, it sounds like helping people is something that is in your nature GG: i can understand that GG: are you saying rose is reckless and dangerous? GA: Yes Definitely GA: We Have Our Share Of Dangerous Players Who Seem To Do Nothing But Cause Problems GA: I Believe She Is Yours GA: And If Her Insane Plan Wasnt Alarming Enough GA: She Has Been Communicating With The Stranger I Mentioned GA: And Unsurprisingly She Has Not Been Forthright About The Nature Of Their Conversations GG: you mean your guardian? GA: Yes GA: And Hes Not Merely A Guardian GA: Im Very Sure He Is A First Guardian GA: Like Your Lusus Was GG: uh oh... GG: im not sure why, but the sound of that makes me really nervous GA: I Feel The Same Way About It GA: The Involvement Of Any Such Entity Strikes Me As Quite Inauspicious GA: Even When Seemingly Benign GG: she didnt mention anything about this when we talked GG: but then she seemed preoccupied GA: She Was GA: Youll Have A Chance To Determine More Soon GA: After Which Hopefully You Can Tell Me GG: yeah, i will! GA: In The Meantime I Will Go GA: I Would Like To Return To The Core To Situate This Orb GA: It Seems You Have Your Own Orb To Care For Now GG: lol yeah i guess so! GG: ok, you can go do that, and i guess i will check on rose, but... GG: theres still so much i want to know! GG: i want to know more about stoking the forge and breeding the frogs, and about your time on prospit and all that! GA: Okay I Will Definitely Help You As Much As I Can GA: The Young Prospit Wakers Ought To Stick Together GG: yes! <3 GA: Ill Message You Again In Your Future GA: And You May Reply If You Have Cause To GG: if i have cause to? GG: oh!!! GG: that reminds me, i was thinking of implementing a system to keep some of these confusing conversations simple and linear GA: Does It By Any Chance Have To Do With Passwords GG: yeah! i guess someone told you? GA: Yes You GA: You Delivered News Of The System By Demanding A Password From Me GG: aaaaa you see?????? GG: you nearly just gave me the idea for the plan in the first place paradoxically from my own future self!!! GG: i just find that kind of thing annoying for some reason, it doesnt feel right... GG: i would rather ideas came from the place they actually came from GA: Thats A Reasonable Attitude GG: ok lets put the system in play starting now! GG: i will give you a password, and you give it to me in the future when you want to pick up this conversation again GA: Okay GG: the password is............... GG: CROOOOOOOOOOOAK GG: it must be in all caps, and must contain precisely ten Os! GA: Ten GA: Im Counting Eleven GG: whoops! GG: eleven then :p GA: The Password System Is Already Paying Overwhelming Dividends Of Ease And Rationality GG: kanaya :o GG: that sounded GG: just a weeeeeee bit GG: sarcastic ;D GA: Oh GA: Wow Yeah GA: I Hope Im Not Falling Prey To A Crisis Of Sincerity GG: you are just becoming multicultural, thats all GG: i think i am learning to be more multicultural through karkat as well GG: it mostly involves saying fuck a lot GA: Oh No GG: heheheheh, its ok, hes really not so bad GA: Yeah I Know GG: ok! go hatch that orb! GG: i will be waiting GA: Yes Ill Do That GA: Bye Jade GG: later!
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Mr. Vantas. GA: WHAT THE FUCK? GA: WHO ARE YOU, AND WHY ARE YOU MESSAGING ME THROUGH KANAYA'S ACCOUNT? GA: I SERIOUSLY DON'T NEED THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW. I'm delivering this message through the console of one of my numerous unwitting proteges to give you a word of advice, and then you will not hear from me again.
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terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
TC: honk. CG: GAMZEE!!! CG: FUCK CG: THERE YOU ARE, YOU HAD ME WORRIED DUDE TC: HONK. CG: UH CG: YEAH CG: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ANYWAY, I TOLD EVERYONE TO LET ME KNOW IF YOU'RE GONNA WANDER OFF. TC: honk. TC: HONK. TC: honk. TC: HONK. CG: YEAH, I GET IT WISE GUY, YOU'RE A FUCKING CLOWN, WHO CARES. CG: QUIT THE BULLSHIT PARTYCLOWN ANTICS AND GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE. CG: THE SHIT HAS HIT THE WHIRLING DEVICE, AND YOU COULD BE IN SERIOUS DANGER OUT THERE. TC: shut up. CG: WHAT... TC: I SAID SHUT THE MOTHERFUCK UP, MOTHERFUCKER. TC: honk honk honk :o) CG: DUDE CG: ARE YOU OK CG: YOU'RE REALLY WEIRDING ME OUT. TC: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. TC: uh, yeah... TC: I GUESS I'M ALL MOTHERFUCKIN WEIRDING OUT AT SOME EXTENT TO MY OWN MOTHERFUCKIN SELF. TC: but it's all good, i'm chill with it. CG: OH GOD CG: NO NO NO, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU WENT CRAZY, I COULDN'T TAKE THAT ON TOP OF ALL THIS. TC: ON TOP OF MOTHERFUCKIN WHAT, MOTHERFUCKER. CG: ERIDAN JUST FLIPPED HIS SHIT AND KILLED FEFERI AND KANAYA, AND I'M FREAKING THE FUCK OUT ABOUT IT. TC: heh heh. CG: HEH HEH??? CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? CG: SERIOUSLY, GET BACK HERE NOW, AND HAVE A SLIME PIE TO RELAX OR SOMETHING. TC: SLIME? TC: there is no more slime, brother. TC: AND ANYWAY. TC: shit was motherfuckin poison, didn't you know? CG: UH... CG: NO? I MEAN, I WOULD NEVER EAT IT, BUT TC: THEN GET MOTHERFUCKIN SCHOOLFED ALL ABOUT THE WICKED NEWS, PUNCHLINE BLOODED MOTHERFUCKER. TC: it rots you. TC: RUSTS YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN THINK PAN. TC: and the floor all stares up back at you through the motherfuckin hole. TC: BUT THERE IS NO HOLE NOW. TC: only under motherfuckin standing of who all i was made out to be all along. TC: ONLY UNDER MOTHERFUCKING STANDING OF WHO ALL I WAS MADE OUT TO MOTHERFUCKING BE ALL A MOTHERFUCKING LONG. CG: OH MY GOD CG: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO TC: i've been kicking the wicked ignorance on this shit. TC: BEEN MOTHERFUCKIN SLAUGHTERING THE WICKED IGNORANCE, BRO. TC: all up in lifelong denial about my calling. TC: AS A DESCENDANT OF THE HIGH MOTHERFUCKIN SUBJUGGLATORS. TC: we are higher than you, brother. TC: WE ARE HIGHER THAN MOTHERFUCKIN EVERYBODY. TC: honk. CG: GAMZEE CG: PLEASE NO TC: and now i'm the last one, so i finally motherfuckin understand. TC: I FINALLY GOT MY MOTHERFUCKING UNDERSTAND ON TO WHO THE MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS ARE. TC: they were always both me. :o) TC: AND ALSO MOTHERFUCKING ME. Do: TC: and now. TC: AND MOTHERFUCKING NOW. TC: i am going to motherfuckin kill all you motherfuckers. CG: OH GOD CG: OH MAN CG: OH GOD TC: I AM GOING TO MOTHERFUCKING KILL ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS. TC: and paint the wicked pictures with your motherfuckin blood. TC: FROM YOUR VEINS WILL DRIP MY MIRACLES. TC: your crushed bones will make my special stardust. TC: WELCOME TO THE DARK CARNIVAL, BROTHER. TC: honk. TC: HONK. TC: honk. TC: HOOOOOOOOOOONK.
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CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY.
CCG: THIS IS PROBABLY THE LAST MEMO I WILL WRITE. CCG: BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL, THERE'S PRETTY MUCH NOTHING LEFT TO SAY. CCG: AND SECOND OF ALL, I MIGHT BE DEAD SOON. CCG: I'M JUST HOPING SOME OF YOU IDIOTS READ THIS, AND EVEN IF YOU THINK I'M FULL OF SHIT NOW, WHEN IT ALL STARTS GOING DOWN YOU MIGHT JUST REMEMBER WHAT I SAID AND SAVE YOURSELVES. CCG: THE WORST CASE SCENARIO HAS HAPPENED. CCG: THE BARD OF RAGE IS ON THE LOOSE. CCG: YEAH, I KNOW WE ALL THOUGHT THAT TITLE WAS A JOKE, BUT IT TURNED OUT IT WASN'T. CCG: HE'S COMPLETELY SNAPPED, AND FOR THOSE OF YOU FURTHER AHEAD ON THE TIMELINE, I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU HOW DANGEROUS HE IS. CCG: REMEMBER WHAT HE DID TO THE BLACK KING. CCG: NOBODY COULD EXPLAIN IT, AND THEN HE JUST WENT BACK TO SPACING OUT FOR THE REST OF THE BATTLE. CCG: I MEAN SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT. CCG: I DON'T EVEN THINK THE KING COULD FUCKING BELIEVE IT, FRANKLY. CCG: DID ANYONE'S ATTACK DO AS MUCH DAMAGE? I DON'T THINK SO. CCG: I DON'T EVEN THINK VRISKA'S DID, ALTHOUGH IT'S HARD TO SAY SINCE THAT WAS THE KNOCKOUT BLOW. CCG: ^^^ SPOILERS. CCG: I GUESS WE THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE A SECRET JOKE POWER OR SOMETHING? CCG: BUT THE JOKE IS ON US. CCG: HE IS OUT OF PIE, AND NOW THE FAYGO GENIE IS OUT OF THE SHITTY SODA BOTTLE FOR GOOD. CCG: WE ARE SO SCREWED. CCG: OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK. CCG: GUYS, I AM TERRIFIED, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. CCG: I'M IN A ROOM FULL OF BODIES, AND I THINK I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TURN MY BACK ON THEM? CCG: OH MY GOD, I JUST HEARD A HONK. CCG: OH GOD OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD CCG: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO CCG: IT CAME FROM THE HORN PILE CCG: I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS JUST THE BODY SETTLING ON AN ERRANT HORN OR... CCG: OR IF... CCG: I HAVE TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. PAST terminallyCapricious [PTC] 420 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PTC: HeY BeSt fRiEnD. PTC: nOw wHaT ThE MoThEr fUcK WiLl i bE SuPpOsEd tO Do? PTC: i'M nOt FoLlOwInG. CCG: PAST GAMZEE, GOD DAMN IT. CCG: I AM TRYING TO WARN PEOPLE OF YOUR MURDEROUS FUTURE SELF. CCG: THIS PRACTICALLY DOESN'T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU. CCG: NOW GO BACK TO GROPING YOUR HORNS AND BEING DISTRACTED BY COLORS YOU USELESS FUCK. PTC: YeAh, I CaN DeFiNiTeLy cArRy oUt tHaT OrDeR, bRo. PTC: i gUeSs i'lL WaIt uNtIl tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN FuTuRe hApPeNs tO SeE AbOuT WhAt aLl tHiS MuRdErInG NoIsE Is. :o) CCG banned PTC from responding to memo.
CCG: LIKE I WAS SAYING. CCG: STILL FREAKING OUT. CCG: AUGH CCG: THERE WAS ANOTHER LITTLE HONK CCG: IT WAS SO FAINT CCG: DID I JUST IMAGINE IT? I THINK I MIGHT BE LOSING IT. CCG: I REALLY HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE, BUT CCG: I SHOULD TRY TO REVIVE THEM FIRST. CCG: I KNOW DERSE AND PROSPIT ARE GONE, BUT IF THERE'S ANY CHANCE AT ALL THEY SURVIVED I'VE GOT TO TRY. CCG: I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO GOING NEAR THAT HORN PILE THOUGH. CCG: WHAT IF HE'S BEEN IN THERE THE WHOLE TIME??? CCG: I AM SHITTING MYSELF SO HARD HERE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO. CCG: GUESS I HAVE TO BRAVE IT FOR FEFERI'S SAKE. PAST cuttlefishCuller [PCC] 380 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PCC: For my sake? 38) PCC: W)(at do you mean, Crabcatc)(? CCG: OH GOD, FEFERI... PCC: Is any of t)(is serious? PCC: It's so )(ard to tell! All of your memos )(ave been so outrageous, I can't even decide w)(at to take seriously anymore. PCC: T)(is one sounds like the biggest w)(opper of all, to be conknest! CCG: YES I AM DEAD "GLUBBING" SERIOUS, OK. PCC: STILL SOUNDS PRETTY FIS)(Y TO M-E!!! 38D CCG: FEFERI, I'M SORRY. CCG: IT WAS MY FAULT, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. PCC: Sorry for w)(at?? CCG: FOR CCG: I CCG: I CAN'T DO THIS CCG: IT'S TOO MUCH FOR ME, I'M SORRY. CCG banned PCC from responding to memo.
CCG: BEFORE I GO CCG: EVERYONE SHOULD ALSO KNOW ERIDAN HAD A COMPLETE SHITHIVE MELTDOWN TOO CCG: HE'S GOING AROUND KILLING PEOPLE WITH HIS MAGIC WAND CCG: SO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR HIM. CCG: IF I RUN INTO HIM AGAIN, I'M... CCG: I DON'T EVEN KNOW. CCG: HE BETTER PRAY TO ALL HIS MURDERED ANGELS IT DOESN'T HAPPEN. PAST caligulasAquarium [PCA] 311 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PCA: a magic wwand is that so PCA: kar come on noww evveryone fuckin KNOWWS this memos rubbish
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CCG: HEY ASSHOLE CCG: CONSIDER OUR "PACT" OVER PCA: wwevve got a pact CCG: NOT ANYMORE CCG: YOU ARE DEAD TO ME CCG: PAST YOU, PRESENT YOU, FUTURE YOU CCG: AND ABOVE ALL, UGLY SCARFNECKED DOUCHEBAG HIPSTER YOU CCG: WAIT I FORGOT, ALL OF THE YOUS ARE THAT YOU CCG: IF I WASN'T SO TERRIFIED, I'D BE CONSUMED WITH ANGER, AND AS SOON AS I'M DONE COWERING IN A DARK CORNER HIDING FROM THAT HONKING MURDEROUS TOOL, I'M GOING TO HUNT YOU DOWN AND FILLET YOU WITH MY SICKLE. PCA: wwhoa kar PCA: this is nothin if not flatterin but dont you think youre comin on a little strong CCG: OH GOD CCG: I AM NOT HITTING ON YOU IDIOT, THIS IS HONEST TO GOD PLATONIC ENMITY CCG: LIKE IN THE "I REALLY DO WANT YOU TO DIE" KIND OF WAY. CCG: I AM NOT INITIATING AN ELABORATE CALIGINOUS WALTZ WITH YOU YOU DESPERATE SHIT. PCA: i mean yeah obvviously i kneww you wwerent serious PCA: i guess i appreciate the effort youre puttin into cheerin me up PCA: i can alwways count on you for some good ironic repartee kar nobody else really gets our sense a humor CCG: UGH, NO PCA: are you busy PCA: you said youd try to make it to lowwaa soon wwell howw about it CCG: DUDE, ARE YOU AN IDIOT, YOU CAN PLAINLY SEE I AM FROM 300 FUCKING HOURS IN THE FUTURE, EVEN IF I WERE REMOTELY INTERESTED, WHICH TO THAT I SIMPLY SAY WHAT THE FUCK. PCA: oh hahaha yeah losin track a the time shit is easy wwhen wwe start riffin like this kar CCG: LIKE WHAT? WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING HERE PCA: im just lonely here and i got major ordeals to keep afloat wwith CCG: I KNOW YOU'RE LONELY, GOD DAMN IT, WHO CARES. PCA: im sayin it wwould be cool to hang out and you said you wwould PCA: can you put in a wword wwith your past self maybe buggin him to make the trip wwhen he gets the chance CCG: WAIT, WERE YOU HITTING ON ME BACK THEN? CCG: *ARE* YOU HITTING ON ME? CCG: LIKE AN ACTUAL RED SOLICITATION, IS THAT WAS THIS WAS??? PCA: wwhat CCG: GOD DAMN IT, I AM CHEWING YOU OUT FOR WAND MURDER, AND YOU ARE FLIRTING WITH ME CCG: MY FUCKING GOD MAN. PCA: hey im not spyin you bein anythin but cagey wwhat wwith this wwhole line a humor and all CCG: HOW ABOUT NO, DIPSHIT, NOT INTERESTED????? PCA: evven if i wwasnt compelled to think you wwere still bein flippant and ironic wwith me you cant exactly outright reject me can you CCG: WHY NOT PCA: cause youre future you PCA: doesnt count unless its present you til then its all fair game CCG: IS THIS REAL, ARE YOU BEING IRONIC OR SOMETHING, I CAN'T EVEN TELL ANYMORE CCG: THE PROBLEM IS, I CAN'T PUT THIS SORT OF BEHAVIOR PAST YOU AT ALL, SO I DON'T KNOW. PCA: just send past you ovver man wwell hang out PCA: its not like im doin anythin right noww CCG: LIKE FUCK YOU AREN'T PCA: wwhats that mean CCG: YOU'RE KILLING ANGELS NOW, AREN'T YOU PCA: no CCG: YOU ARE KILLING FUCKING ANGELS, RIGHT NOW, IN THE PAST, WITH YOUR SHITTY GUN. I JUST KNOW IT. PCA: wwell uh PCA: therere just so damn many kar and theyre not gettin any less bloody pissed is the thing CCG: THIS IS WHY IT WOULD NEVER WORK BETWEEN US, MAN. CCG: BECAUSE YOU ARE A STONE COLD RETARDED FUCKING IDIOT. CCG: NOT TO MENTION COWARDLY BACKSTABBING MURDERER. CCG: I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU FOREVER. PCA: kar im gettin some seriously mixed signals here CCG: HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO THEM PCA: wwhat to wwho CCG: TO CCG: FUCK CCG: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED HER. PCA: wwho man wwhat are you talkin about CCG: AND ALSO... PCA: wwhat youre not makin sense CCG: I CAN'T CCG: I CAN'T EVEN TYPE HER NAME CCG: SHE WAS MY FRIEND CCG: SHE WAS MY REALLY *GOOD* FRIEND AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL TO DO NOW THAT SHE'S GONE. CCG: I'M SO UPSET, I'M JUST COMPLETELY FREAKING OUT IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE. PCA: yeah i knoww wwhat its like you wwanna talk about it CCG: FUCK NO. CCG: I CAN'T STAND TO LOOK AT YOUR DUMB PURPLE WORDS ANYMORE. CCG: NEXT TIME I SEE THAT SHITTY COLOR YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT'LL BE COMING OUT OF YOUR BODY. CCG: AND NO, FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, THAT WAS NOT INNUENDO. CCG banned PCA from responding to memo.
CCG: ANYWAY CCG: THAT'S IT I GUESS. FUTURE terminallyCapricious [FTC] 0:42:00 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTC: honk. CCG: OH GOD FTC: HEY BEST MOTHERFUCKING FRIEND. FTC: what all seems to be the motherfuckin problem? :o) CCG: OH GOD OH GOD CCG: DON'T YOU SEE EVERYONE? CCG: THIS CRAZY FUCKER HAS COMPLETELY CRACKED, I TOLD YOU. FTC: THAT'S KICKIN THE WICKED MOTHERFUCKIN MISINFORMATION, MY BROTHER. FTC: i'm as chill as all what's can be. FTC: NO CAUSE FOR ALARM, JUST MOTHERFUCKIN GONNA SIT AND ZONE THE MOTHERFUCK OUT WITH A PAN RUSTING PIE LIKE AS MY USUAL MOTHERFUCKIN SELF DOES. FTC: honk. FTC: HONK. FTC: honk. FTC: HONK. CCG: OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD FTC: i'm in your future, best friend. FTC: I KNOW WHERE YOU MOTHERFUCKING ARE. FTC: and what you'll motherfuckin do. CCG: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO FTC: AND ALSO. FTC: and also. FTC: GUESS MOTHERFUCKIN WHAT. CCG: ..... CCG: NO I DON'T WANT TO FTC: i'm all about to be meeting up some friends. :o) FTC: GOING TO GET PRETTY MOTHERFUCKING FRIENDLY AT THEM REAL SOON. FTC: i wonder if you can all be at with me in time and make me get my reconsider on? FTC: MAYBE SPLIT AN ELIXIR LIKE A COUPLE OF CHOICE BROS. FTC: just like we are... :o) FTC: ME AND HIM. Do: FTC: hoooooooooooooooooonk. ;oD CCG: OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK CCG: I HAVE TO GO
The upset of the upsetting discovery quickly turns to dismay and grief. Adios, sweet Toreadoormat.
You succumb to emotion. Tears are in order, probably. You attempt a sniffle. A wobble of the lip, even.
Alas, the tears will not come. Stupid lousy doomed Dave and your stupid lousy complicity in his death. Getting you all cried out like that.
Oh well, whatever. There are more important things at hand to concern yourself with than the flow of teal ocular discharge. A crime has been committed.
And where crime strikes, there is justice to be done.
The scene is a gruesome spectacle to your nose, otherwise known as a nostacle. Under other circumstances, the aroma could be delightful. A rich chocolatey bouquet, sent from the heavens.
But at the scene of this fresh murder, the smell is highly unpalatable. Stomach turning, even. It smells like all the worst things you would expect it to, and more.
But a true legislacerator must be steeled to the revolting. Only the truth matters. And if there's one thing that matters even more than the truth, which there is, it's justice. Someone is going to pay.
Before the full investigation is underway, a legislacerator will always have a chief suspect in mind. The one she will hold guilty until proven otherwise, a process customarily taking place after the execution.
Even so, it is only prudent to stay open to the possibility of other culprits. As they say in your line of work, there's always room on the gallows for more to swing. And though executing the wrong person is only a minor embarrassment to the courtblock, it is an embarrassment nonetheless.
His Tyranny will surely commend you for your due diligence by graciously neglecting to eat you after the trial.
Oh, of course. It is Gamzee up to his unmistakable charades. He is wandering around somewhere out there in the abyss.
He probably has no idea what sort of danger he is in, with one or more murderers on the loose. Poor guy. You will have to seek him out shortly and offer him protection. You'd feel terrible if you were to lose any more friends.
Professor Pucefoot immediately begins drawing a pointless chalk outline around the body, as is standard protocol.
Which is to say, you hold up a piece of chalk to his snout and draw it yourself. Yuck, the chalk is getting blood on it! You will have to discard that color.
The murder weapon however reveals a plethora of prints! Your keen tongue tells you that most of these belong to the victim. But several are unidentified. Hmm...
(You are only pretending to think there is any chance they are not Vriska's, because otherwise it would be no fun.)
The corpse must not be dismembered just yet! There could still be hope for the victim's resurrection! And according to the legislacerator's handbook, the victim's well being is among the highest of investigative priorities.
The odds that his dream self survived are quite slim, you admit. But you must at least try for the sake of your friend, even if it means braving the awful stench.
This is not going to be pretty. But what are friends for if they can't smooch each others butchered corpses when the need arises? You will just have to suck it up. You can do it, Terezi.
Oh god what has he done. Rufio? Please tell me that's just mohawk dye. Please just be mohawk dye please just be mohawk dye please just be mohawk dye. Haha, ok, make-believe time is over! Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god.
I wish you had a dad like me too, Rufio. And how I wish you could have been my son. You were so much better than that traitorous piece of shit Cal who betrayed me to join Hook.
You taught me so much, Rufio. You taught me to crow. You taught me to fight. You taught me to fly. Please don't teach me to die now. I know no one thought you were real. But I believed in you. I always believed. I won't let you leave me.
You are transfixed by the haunting mystery and beauty of this cloud's message. How long have you been staring at it? Minutes? Hours? You have begun to lose track of time.
What could it be? Two squirming cephalopods locked in a mating ritual? You suppose you will never know.
You somehow manage to pry your eyes from the exquisite celestial projection.
You have been exploring the battlefield with a new ally, a friendly fellow who strikes you as a sort of WIZARDLY VASSAL. Your travels have led you here.
You gulp down decadent foamy dollops of the BEARD BUSTER, and quickly respond with the BLUH callback as depicted jostling in the lower right hand corner of the image, because it is not nearly as tasty as you'd hoped.
You don't have all day to be pawing through this thing while your silly friend eats shaving cream. You've already wasted hours staring at mysterious things happening in clouds.
An inviting PILE OF PIPES, a somewhat less inviting PILE OF RAZOR BLADES, a SPARE CAR, an assortment of SHOES, HATS, and TIES, several issues of THE SERIOUS JESTER, TICKET STUBS TO CIRQUE DU SOLEIL (you would prefer to forget what happened that day, he was just so embarrassing), a BRIEFCASE FULL OF FATHERLY DOCUMENTS, a VARIETY OF PHOTOGRAPHS, a LAPTOP COMPUTER, TEN TONS OF PIPE TOBACCO, and a LIGHTER.
The wallet unsurprisingly contained a series of sentimental photographs of you when you were young. Some of these photos appear to have jokes written on the back. Others, cake recipes.
He also kept a series of portraits of some of his favorite comedians. Some are understandable. Harry Anderson goes without saying. Bill Cosby? LIVING FATHERLY LEGEND. But his interest in Mr. Foxworthy always struck you as a little lame. Those redneck jokes were so corny and stupid. You secretly suspected your father was mostly arrested by the man's mustache. Maybe he fantasized about shaving the man's egregious furry lip? This seems like a reasonable theory to you.
Hooray, a computer! You have been dying for a way to talk to your friends again.
He bought this laptop at the DADLY DEPOT, an incredibly boring store established to furnish dignified gentlemen everywhere with dull fatherly goods. It was always so boring when he dragged you there. You have no idea who this douche bag is. "Who's this douche bag?" is what you ask every time you see his smug face. Maybe you're being unfair to the man, though.
Some guy named Crosby, you guess? Who cares. He's so boring.
You presume the windy boy knows what he is doing. You tug the dark sash across your chest and secure it.
This is an incredible look for you. It's too bad the fashion accessory seems to trap you inside this vehicle. Human fashion and transportation and safety sure are weird, and apparently interrelated.
|PESTERLOG|
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --
EB: hey jade, are you there? i have a computer now. EB: this boring guy keeps blinking at me though, and it's weird. GG: john!!! :D GG: wow, finally! EB: hi! EB: sorry i disappeared after you entered the game... EB: but from what i have seen in the clouds, it doesn't look like you have had much trouble making progress! GG: nope! GG: dave was able to set up as my server player GG: he is building up my house right now so that we can deploy some equipment up there EB: oh, nice! EB: dave is serving ALL the ladies, isn't he? GG: yep! EB: he is like a dude on butler island. EB: i mean, a dude who happens to be one of the butlers... EB: doing a lot of serving, to various ladies who are vacationing at this snooty resort. EB: wait, i am fucking this up. GG: :o GG: thats ok, i wont tell him about it EB: ok, good. EB: all i am saying is, why can't i have a dave butler too? GG: well, maybe you can..... GG: i will try to put in a good word for you B) EB: thank you. EB: what is the equipment you're deploying? GG: im not sure! GG: something to do with cloning i guess? it serves some purpose in my quest as witch of space GG: a nice troll named kanaya has been advising me on stuff about that GG: have you talked to her? EB: hmm... i don't think so. not recently anyway. GG: you should! GG: a bunch of trolls are not nearly as bad as i thought GG: even karkat! he has been helping me too... sort of, hehe EB: he has? but i thought he "hated" you! GG: oh yeah, he said plenty of stuff like that, but i dont think he ever actually meant it GG: flying off the handle is part is of his charm in a funny way, once you know that about him EB: yes, this is what i have concluded about him as well. EB: he is a pretty great guy. i am really looking forward to more of his outbursts, especially his first conversation with me, which i am to understand will be legendary. EB: but we shouldn't tell him we said any of this, or he will be "furious"! GG: heheheh GG: shhhhhhhhh EB: so what else have you been up to? EB: we should try to catch up as much as possible! GG: yeah! GG: hmm what else... theres been so much going on, its been a little hard to keep track of it all! GG: why dont you tell me what youve been up to first? EB: oh man. EB: you will never guess what i am doing right now. EB: go ahead, try to guess, you will not succeed. GG: .............. GG: whoa :O GG: john where did you get that nice flying car?????? EB: oh god dammit!
|PESTERLOG|
EB: how do you know! EB: do you have rose's crystal ball? GG: sort of! GG: she gave me the code, and i made a cool pair of goggles with it EB: argh, i am surrounded by real life witches! EB: everyone i know is turning magic, it's ridiculous. EB: including me! i'm magic now. GG: it certainly seems so! what with your fancy magic car GG: and your chauffeur familiar, i guess? EB: no, he is neither a chauffeur, nor a familiar... EB: he is just a new friend! EB: also, this is not a magic car, it is an ordinary car. EB: i found it in my dad's wallet. GG: you did??? EB: yes, i just found his wallet on the ground. EB: but my dad was nowhere to be found. :( GG: :( EB: the clouds led me to the wallet though, so maybe they will keep leading me to him? GG: hmmmmm... GG: maybe, but hang on let me try something EB: ok. EB: i have seen lots of interesting things in the clouds... EB: i guess you used to see things like that all the time, right? GG: yes! GG: what have you seen? EB: wow, uh... EB: well, lots of things that were mysterious and didn't make much sense... EB: but also lots of things i recognized. EB: like stuff i have done before. and also stuff i will do in the future. EB: and things that rose and dave have been up to... EB: and you too! GG: :O GG: like what, what did you seeeee? EB: well, i saw you on your island, and saw you sleeping in a floating bed, and... EB: i saw your pretty snow planet... EB: and i saw you with some frogs... EB: have you found any frogs yet? GG: frogs? GG: no... EB: well, i saw you once in a neat outfit... EB: it was kind of like you were torn from the pages of my favorite japanese mangas. EB: and the snow was melting. EB: and you were surrounded by frogs for some reason! EB: heh, now it sounds like i am describing a weird dream i had about you. GG: sure does! EB: which i guess is sorta true?? anyway, i guess that must not have happened yet. GG: nope! but that sounds pretty interesting GG: i wonder why i would be surrounded by frogs? EB: dunno! but you are a witch, remember. EB: witches LOVE frogs. GG: hahaha thats true! GG: i hope i am not planning on putting them in a cauldron or anything o_o EB: i doubt it, it looked to me like a friendly gathering. GG: whew! EB: oh, and one time i saw a green version of you with pointy ears, and you were crying! EB: did that happen yet? GG: bluh. yes :| GG: i prototyped my dead dream self and tried to get her to fight jack GG: but it turned out to be a BIG MISTAKE GG: god i cant believe how dumb that idea was, she was an emotional wreck EB: oh no! EB: what happened? where is she now? GG: oh, she went off to cry somewhere else... good riddance! EB: wow jade, you really have been up to a lot! GG: hehe i guess so EB: and i have just been staring at these dumb clouds for hours or whatever. EB: i even saw my own dead body in a cloud! GG: what!!!!!
|PESTERLOG|
GG: oh noooo EB: it's ok though, it already happened. EB: i was sort of tricked into sleeping on my quest bed. EB: and when i went to sleep, jack killed me. EB: she must have known that would happen... GG: who? EB: vriska. do you know her? GG: i dont think so! EB: she is pretty cool, but just between you and me, she might be a little crazy! GG: well if she tricked you into getting killed, then i would have to agree EB: but, i don't think it's really like that... EB: honestly i think dying was a necessary part of the process, and she just didn't tell me so i wouldn't get scared. GG: what process? GG: and how are you alive now if you died! john im a little confused EB: well... i died on the quest bed and woke up here, as my dream self. EB: and now i have all these sweet wind powers. EB: which is how i am making this car fly! GG: ohhhhhh! GG: that makes sense GG: dave had mentioned you reached the god tier EB: yeah! GG: but he did not say what it involved D: GG: he probably didnt want to make me worried EB: maybe, or he was just being some sort of aloof coolkid. GG: or that! GG: but he also said that no one else would do it but you... GG: actually, now it makes sense that i wouldnt be able to, since my dream self is dead GG: its too bad really EB: yeah... GG: i wonder what space powers would be like?? EB: hmm, i have no idea! GG: oh well EB: maybe you shouldn't rule it out though? EB: i mean, you did mention your dream self isn't COMPLETELY dead, remember? GG: !!! GG: youre right... GG: i suddenly dont know if i want to become a god tier anymore :( EB: heheh. EB: she was that bad, huh? GG: DX GG: i dont even want to talk about her! she is sad and cowardly. EB: ok, i will not pry. GG: why dont you tell me about your new friend? GG: he sure seems to be enjoying that horn!
|PESTERLOG|
EB: i know, right? EB: /rolls eyes EB: he is just this silly guy i met when i woke up here. EB: he seemed to be curious about me and followed me around for a while. EB: also, i noticed he was wearing my bedsheet. GG: haha! what is he doing with that! EB: i don't know, there seems to be this whole cult full of people who worship my ghost sheets. EB: i ran into a bunch of them in a salamander village, they are all completely ridiculous. EB: so i guess he is a member of the cult? GG: probably! GG: you are just going to have to deal with the fact that you are becoming a famous hero john, and people everywhere will idolize you EB: derp! they aren't idolizing ME, it's my dumb bedsheets they love! EB: it's so stupid. EB: OH! EB: also, another thing about him... EB: he has the queen's ring! GG: :o GG: thats great! john you have to get that ring from him! EB: i've tried! i asked him politely for it and everything. EB: but he is very protective of it! GG: hmmmmmmmmmm GG: that is a problem! EB: actually, i think it's ok. EB: i think he is supposed to keep it. GG: you do? EB: yes. once i saw something in the clouds. EB: it was hard to tell what was going on, but i saw him! EB: im pretty sure it was the future, and he had the ring, and... GG: and what? EB: and then the cloud stopped showing me. EB: but i am pretty sure that some day... EB: he will have to wear it! GG: 8O EB: so i think i will just let him keep it. EB: for some reason, i trust him. GG: ok john..... GG: i trust you GG: so i will trust in your trust in him EB: yeah, trust all around! GG: im going to be a supportive piece of shit all day and fall down all this trust! EB: how trustworthy do you even have to BE to CONFIDE in someone like that. GG: lol EB: anyway, i guess that's enough of that nonsense. EB: i should keep looking for my dad! EB: maybe if i fly around in this car with this guy beeping here, the noise will get his attention and he will find me. GG: john, i already found your dad!
|PESTERLOG|
EB: you did? GG: yes i found him with my goggles almost right away! GG: but i didnt want to interrupt you EB: oh! well that sure is convenient! EB: where is he? GG: he is with roses mom GG: they are in a castle, having some sort of tea party together GG: they appear to be enjoying each others company! GG: its quite adorable actually EB: oh wow... EB: jade, what if they get married or something??? EB: oh god, if rose became my sister too, that would wreak HAVOC on karkat's shipping diagram! EB: as leader of this team i submit that we cannot afford to let this happen!!!!!!!!!! EB: everyone man your battle stations!!! GG: RED ALERT!!!!!! EB: we have a ship to sink! arm torpedoes!!!!!! GG: AWOOOOOOOOOOOGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EB: KA-PCHOOOOOOOOOOOOO. target destroyed. B) EB: heheh, i am just joking around, of course. GG: durrrr oh really john :p EB: :P GG: but really, they make a nice couple and i think it would be great if they got married! EB: yes, i agree. EB: even if it would make it awkward for me to marry rose. GG: i guess so EB: but maybe that doesn't matter? these are kind of special circumstances. GG: yes they are pretty special EB: i wonder if my dad and her mom would mind us getting married... GG: i dunno GG: who are they to stand between two youngsters in love? EB: whoa, in love??? GG: yes john, two people must be in love in order to get married GG: it is one of the rules! EB: oh jeez, yeah i guess you're right. GG: so what do you say john, are you in love with rose? EB: um... GG: and if not, are you prepared to fall in love with her? EB: er. GG: wellllll? :D EB: argh! EB: this line of questioning is making me flustered. EB: all i know is, i was ordered by karkat to marry rose. EB: i think we can both agree that it would be reckless to look at a crappy shipping diagram made by an alien, and ignore its message altogether. GG: i didnt even know karkat made a shipping diagram... EB: it's a thing of beauty, and it will save the human race. GG: i will have to make him show me EB: yes. EB: btw, you will marry dave. EB: 100% TRUE REALITY. GG: <_<; EB: it's ok though, i will not press you on your feelings for him. EB: i already know you are totally into the strider anyway. GG: whaaat... EB: it's all in the diagram, jade. EB: it's all in the diagram. GG: i dont know about that! GG: i clearly need to take a good hard look at this prophetic document GG: and possibly tell karkat what an idiot he is! EB: that you do. EB: ok but anyway, who cares about his terrible shitty drawings and meddlesome romantic schemes! EB: how do i find my dad! GG: uh GG: well, i dont actually know where he is relative to you! GG: so i dont know if i can give you directions EB: bluh!!! GG: there might be some way to do that... GG: these goggles are actually REALLY COMPLICATED! GG: i will look into it and get back to you GG: in the meantime, why dont you fly around and keep looking? GG: at least now you know to look for a castle GG: and maybe the clouds will give you some more tips! EB: yes, that's a good idea, i'll do that. EB: thanks for the help, jade! GG: sure! <3 EB: i will talk to you later. GG: later!
|PESTERLOG|
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --
CG: JOHN. EB: karkat! EB: what's up? CG: I'M NOT SURE WHY I'M TELLING YOU THIS. CG: I GUESS IT'S JUST OUT OF A SENSE OF OBLIGATION AT THIS POINT. CG: WE'VE COME THIS FAR CG: SO I FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD KNOW. EB: know what? CG: I MIGHT NOT MAKE IT OUT OF THIS ALIVE CG: THIS MIGHT EVEN BE THE LAST TIME YOU HEAR FROM ME. CG: WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK AM I SAYING, THE LAST TIME YOU HEAR FROM ME WILL BE THE FIRST TIME YOU HEAR FROM ME. EB: uh... CG: I MEAN THIS COULD BE THE LAST TIME FROM MY PERSPECTIVE. CG: BECAUSE FROM MY PERSPECTIVE I COULD BE DEAD SOON. EB: oh no! EB: are you in some sort of trouble? EB: is it jack? EB: karkat??? EB: what's going on? CG: OH GOD THE HONKING CG: WHY WON'T THE HONKING STOP CG: I HAVE TO GO CG: SORRY FOR BEING SUCH A DOUCHE TO YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS. CG: I HOPE YOU CAN SUCCEED AS A LEADER WHERE I FAILED MISERABLY.
This message was rather disconcerting. You urge your navigator to ease up on the honking for a while, since it is distracting, and in somewhat bad taste given the circumstances.
You think you should try to message your friend back.
|PESTERLOG|
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
EB: karkat!!! EB: hey buddy, you were making me worried there... EB: are you ok? CG: WHAT IN THE NAME OF SWEET GLOBE TICKLING FUCK. CG: EGBERT, I JUST GOT DONE ERUPTING A WHOLE VOLCANO OF MERCILESS FUCK YOU ON THE PRIMITIVE VILLAGE LOCATED SQUARELY ON YOUR CROTCH. CG: ASSUMING THAT'S A SUITABLY TERRIBLE PART OF HUMAN ANATOMY FOR A VILLAGE IN JEOPARDY TO EXIST. EB: errr... CG: SHUT UP. HOW DARE YOU CONTACT ME WHILE I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF MY BACKWARDS MARCH OF HATE THROUGH YOUR TEDIOUS TIMELINE. EB: oh god, this is not right! EB: you aren't supposed to hate me anymore, you're supposed to be kinda my friend, sorta! EB: when is this? CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHEN IS THIS CG: OK, LET ME JUST CHECK THE UNIVERSAL CLOCK WHICH KEEPS CONSISTENT TIME FOR ALL FRAMES OF REFERENCE AND ALL PLANES OF REALITY. CG: IT'S HALF PAST YOU'RE A MORON. EB: ok, duh! i know that. EB: i mean, how many times have you talked to me before? CG: WE JUST GOT DONE WITH OUR SECOND CONVERSATION. HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW THIS? EB: AUGH! EB: this isn't good, i need to talk to future you! CG: WHY EB: because it sounds like you're in trouble. EB: i think maybe you are running from jack? CG: OF COURSE WE'RE RUNNING FROM JACK, I JUST GOT DONE FUCKING TELLING YOU THAT. EB: no, i know, but... EB: *SIGN* CG: I GUESS MY FUTURE CONVERSATIONS WILL INSTIGATE SOME MISGUIDED NEED FOR YOU TO GET IN TOUCH WITH ME LATER ON. CG: WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO HERE. CG: I SWEAR, IT NEVER ENDS WITH THE ULTIMATE RIDDLE SHIT. EVEN AFTER THE GAME IS OVER. CG: EVEN AFTER YOU LOSE IT! HOW UNFAIR IS THAT. EB: ultimate riddle shit? CG: I CAN TELL THIS CONVERSATION IS GOING TO BE A UTTER FUCKING JOY TO PARTICIPATE IN. CG: I HONESTLY ENVY ANYONE IN THE POSITION OF NOT HAVING TO PUT UP WITH READING IT. CG: BUT YOU ASKED FOR IT, JOHN, SO HERE WE GO. CG: ARE YOU READY EB: no, i just want to talk to future you. :( CG: NO YOU DON'T CG: TAKE IT FROM ME CG: THE GUY IS A BASTARD.
CG: TEREZI? ARE YOU THERE??? CG: OH FUCK, TAVROS IS DEAD TOO? CG: TEREZI LISTEN TO ME YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF THERE. CG: VRISKA IS THE LEAST OF OUR PROBLEMS. CG: WAIT CG: FORENSIC ANALYSIS? ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE? CG: PUT YOUR FUCKING GLASSES BACK ON. GOD DAMN IT.
There. Good as new, best friend! It's like it never happened. No one can ever blame you for dropping him down the stairs now. Stairs? What stairs! Ha ha ha!
|PESTERLOG|
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT]
CG: EQUIUS, ARE YOU THERE? CT: D --> Yes CG: OK, GOOD CG: ARE YOU STILL REALLY STRONG? CG: LIKE, IS THAT STILL YOUR THING? CT: D --> I am still e%ceptionally STRONG CT: D --> Strength continues to be my STRONGEST attribute CG: OK GOOD. CG: I GUESS THAT WAS A PRETTY DUMB QUESTION. CG: I NEED YOUR HELP. CT: D --> With what CG: GAMZEE IS ON A RAMPAGE CG: HE'S GOING TO KILL US ALL IF WE DON'T STOP HIM. CT: D --> You mean CT: D --> The highb100d CG: WHAT? CG: YEAH, I GUESS CT: D --> Oh dear CG: WHAT CT: D --> Are you saying the highb100d has finally embraced his position atop the hierarchy CG: NO I'M SAYING HE FUCKING SNAPPED AND WANTS TO MURDER US ALL CT: D --> Yes e%actly CG: DAMMIT, WHY DOES THIS CONVERSATION HAVE TO BE SO PREDICTABLY TERRIBLE CG: ALL I'M ASKING YOU TO DO CG: NO, ORDERING YOU TO DO CG: IS GO FIND GAMZEE AND BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH YOUR BARE HANDS, OR POSSIBLY TWO HALVES OF A BROKEN BOW, BEFORE HE KILLS ANYONE ELSE. CT: D --> I certainly appreciate the debauchery inherent in receiving an order of such gravity from a rogue-b100ded foulmouth CT: D --> But CT: D --> I'm not entirely positive I can raise a hand to the highb100d CT: D --> It wouldn't be my place CG: OH MY GOD CG: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO DIFFICULT IN ALL THE MOST FUCKED UP WAYS POSSIBLE? CG: YOU'RE GETTING OFF ON THIS AREN'T YOU CT: D --> Uh CG: IF YOU ASK ME FOR A TOWEL I AM GOING TO FLIP MY SHIT RIGHT OFF THIS FUCKING METEOR CG: IT WILL JUST BE ME, SPINNING AND SPINNING AND SPINNING INTO ENDLESS NOTHING, SCREAMING CT: D --> No, I have a sufficient supply of drying utilities CG: I FORBID YOU FROM GETTING OFF ON ANY OF THIS CG: DON'T GET OFF ON MY ORDERS, DON'T GET OFF ON PHRASES LIKE FUCK FUCK FUCKETY FUCK, AND DON'T GET OFF ON ANY SORT OF WEIRD ADMIRATION YOU MIGHT BE HARBORING FOR A MURDEROUS CLOWN WITH PURPLE BLOOD CT: D --> The b100d CT: D --> It is just so CT: D --> E%quisitely purple CG: ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> But 100k CT: D --> The situation is very delicate I believe CT: D --> The highb100d would benefit from a proper enculturation into the aristocracy CG: I DON'T THINK HE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR ETIQUETTE LESSONS, OR HOW A TRUE GENTLEMAN IS TO GO ABOUT HANDLING A PROPER FUCKING HORSE TEAT CG: SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE ARE IN DANGER HERE. CT: D --> I'll take measures to ensure our comrades aren't injured CG: OK, AND? CT: D --> Well CG: BUT YOU WON'T FIGHT HIM, IS THAT IT CT: D --> If it comes to close quarters skirmish, I will try to be prepared CG: HOW FUCKING REASSURING! CG: YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT, I DON'T GET IT CG: YOU KISS THE GROUND THIS LUNATIC WALKS ON BECAUSE HE HAS PURPLE BLOOD CG: BUT THAT DOESN'T STOP YOU FROM RIPPING ON ERIDAN, I KNOW FOR A FACT YOU DON'T LIKE HIM CG: AND HIS BLOOD IS EVEN PURPLIER, ISN'T IT? CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> That's different CT: D --> He is a sea dweller CT: D --> Our feud is codified in tradition CT: D --> Neigh, we are obligated to be at odds CT: D --> It's dignified CG: OK FINE, THEN SPEAKING OF WHICH CG: HE'S ON A MURDEROUS RAMPAGE TOO CT: D --> He is CT: D --> How many of us are rampaging murderously, e%actly CG: I DON'T KNOW, AT LEAST THREE PROBABLY, BUT WHO EVEN KNOWS AT THIS POINT CG: THE POINT IS, IF YOU SEE HIM, WOULD YOU MIND SNAPPING HIS STUPID WAND IN HALF OR SOMETHING? CG: AND THEN CHOKE HIM TO DEATH WITH HIS OWN SHITTY PRETENTIOUS SCARF. CT: D --> Do I really have to CG: GOD, WHAT IS THE PROBLEM NOW? CT: D --> I'd prefer not to interact with him CG: WHY CT: D --> It's primarily that his advances make me uncomfortable CG: HAHAHAHAHAHA. CG: I WOULD HIGH FIVE YOU IF IT WOULDN'T SHATTER EVERY BONE IN MY HAND. CG: AND IF YOU DIDN'T SMELL TERRIBLE. CG: BUT SERIOUSLY, IF YOU COULD CARRY OUT MY ORDERS IN THE LEAST PERVERSE WAY POSSIBLE, THAT WOULD BE GREAT. CG: JUST KILL ONE OR MORE OF THOSE ASSHOLES AND GET BACK TO ME, OK? CG: I NEED YOU TO COME THROUGH FOR ME, BECAUSE WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF MANPOWER HERE. CT: D --> We are CG: YES DIDN'T I MENTION? FEFERI, KANAYA AND TAVROS ARE DEAD, SOLLUX IS UNCONSCIOUS, AND TEREZI IS MISSING. CG: OH GOD, I HOPE SHE'S OK, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO LOOK FOR HER CT: D --> Oh shoot CT: D --> E%cuse my vulgarity CG: I'LL LET IT SLIDE. CG: JUST DO WHAT I SAY, OK. CT: D --> I will 100k into it
You foolishly misplaced your glasses during your heroic revival attempt, leaving you with no way of communicating with the others to warn them. This is why you really should carry no less than 5 computers on you at all times, like a sensible person.
But there is no one in here. Just someone taking a nap on the horn pile over there.
And a big puddle of something next to the transportalizer. Grub sauce maybe? You hope it's grub sauce. Please be grub sauce.
Someone either had a MAJOR sauce accident earlier, or this is the scene of yet another REAL LIFE MURDER! Your team is so lucky to have you around to sleuth these heinous crimes.
And yet, the body is missing. Can't conduct much forensic analysis without it. This is EXACTLY why you should never turn your back on a body, not even for a second.
Has the killer really developed a taste for blood? She is completely out of control.
According to your expert analysis, she barged in here with a lance, her new weapon of choice. This startled everyone in the room so much, it triggered a dreadful grub sauce spill, and/or chainsaw accident, causing the missing victim to lose a large volume of blood, and/or grub sauce. Horrified by the sight, everyone fled the room, except for the present victim who was napping on the horn pile. The perpetrator in her deranged state of mind then sampled the spilt green blood/sauce from the floor. Her thirst piqued, she became tempted by the buffet of rich royal blood on the horn pile, dragged a trail of green from the puddle to the horns, and helped herself to the victim's neck. The victim undoubtedly woke up midway through the gruesome feast, fought back, and got a lance through the chest for her trouble. The perp then fled into the lab, thirsty for more.
Yes, you are quite sure that...
That...
That your theory doesn't make a lick of sense!!! You wish you had your crack team of experts to advise you. If only you hadn't kicked them all into the bottomless pit, along with probably your glasses, accidentally. Damn their insubordination!
As you approach, you make an attempt to contact your friends for verification. But there is no answer from Jade, or from Rose. You wonder what they could be up to?
|PESTERLOG|
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]
AG: Hi John. EB: oh, hey there, vriska. EB: can this wait? i was about to check out this castle and see if my dad is here. AG: Your guardians are not here! EB: oh... EB: dang it! EB: do you know where they are? AG: Yes, they are in another castle. Don't worry, you'll find them later. EB: argh, how much later?? AG: In a while! Man, settle down. AG: I am telling you that you will find them after a little more questing around in your awesome 8lue godhood. So why don't you relax and talk to me for a while? EB: well... EB: ok, i guess so. AG: Why don't you have your hood up, 8y the way? EB: shrug. AG: You look gr8 with the hood up. And anyway, we should 8e showing a little pride as the only ones to make god tier, don't you think? EB: pshhh. EB: i don't know if it is much of a major accomplishment, honestly. AG: John, are you mad at me? EB: um... no? AG: Then what's the matter? EB: i guess i just miss my dad. i was hoping he would be here, but apparently i won't see him for another few hours or whatever? EB: if that is what you see in the future, then i guess there's no fighting it. bluh. AG: I still find it a little hard to understand the sentimentality you attach to these adult humans. AG: It just seems so strange to me. 8ut hey, that's alien culture for you. EB: yeah, i know. EB: i guess you just have to think of them the way you think of your lusus..ses? lusi? AG: Yeah, sort of. AG: Except I never liked mine that much. ::::\ AG: Even after I prototyped her, things were pretty chilly 8etween us! I spent most of my adventure avoiding her. Haha. EB: that... EB: is too bad. AG: John. AG: Are you suuuuuuuure you're not mad at me? EB: no!!! EB: why would i be mad at you, vriska? AG: 8ecause I tricked you into getting killed!!!!!!!! EB: oh. right. EB: i... actually almost forgot about that! AG: Would it help if I said I was sorry? EB: why would you need to apologize though? EB: i mean, i admit i was pretty confused about it at first, seeing my dead body in the cloud and all... EB: but in the end, you did it to help me, didn't you? EB: really, i should probably be thanking you! EB: uh... EB: are you there? AG: Yes, I am here. AG: Sorry, I wasn't sure what to say for a moment. AG: I am just so incredi8ly relieved you are not angry with me. EB: heh. i really don't know what reason i would have to be angry! EB: i mean, aside from the deception involved, but i kinda understand why you did that. EB: and in any case, you did give me a choice. AG: Yes, I did. AG: I don't know, John. You'd 8e surprised how often people resent it when you try to help them! AG: 8ut see, you really get it. That's why you're special. EB: shruuuuuuuug! AG: <33333333 EB: so... EB: is that what you wanted to talk to me about? AG: Yes. AG: Well. AG: Not exactly.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: then what is it? AG: I know how this is pro8a8ly going to sound, especially to a human. AG: 8ut I just killed someone. EB: you did? EB: who was it? you mean like, a bad guy? AG: Not exactly. EB: oh yeah, karkat mentioned that he was in trouble, and then had to go. EB: it made me a little worried! are you guys under attack or something? AG: I'm not sure what his deal is. I haven't seen him in a while. AG: 8ut we are not under attack. AG: Not yet, at least. EB: oh. EB: well, then... EB: who did you kill? AG: He was a friend. AG: Someone from our team. EB: why? AG: It's a little complicated. EB: well, did he attack you or something? AG: Yes. AG: 8ut really, that's not why I killed him. He was no match for me, and I could have just incapacit8ed him or flown away or whatever. AG: The truth is I killed him 8ecause at the time, I thought I wanted to, and sort of felt like I finally had to. EB: uh... EB: why did you have to? AG: 8ecause enough was enough! You don't even know how frustr8ing it was to 8e friends with him. AG: I used to really like him and always wanted to help him get stronger, so that he might stand a fucking chance to actually make it on our world. AG: 8ut he was just soooooooo weak and indecisive. He wouldn't change! AG: And when he tried to change, it was too little and too l8. Always l8. L8ey L8ey L88888888. AG: Too l8 to kiss me. AG: Too l8 to kill me. AG: He couldn't do it when I really needed him to. So when I saw he was actually serious a8out trying to kill me now of all times... AG: I just got SO AAAAAAAANGRY. I am still a 8it upset thinking a8out it. AG: So I killed him. AG: And I'm pretty sure he's dead for good now. EB: wow. EB: you're right, vriska. that does not sound good. AG: I know! AG: I know our races are completely different. And I really h8 the idea of you thinking worse of me 8ecause of this. AG: 8ut I don't have anyone else to talk to a8out it! EB: you don't? EB: what about all of your friends? EB: i bet karkat would listen. EB: or what about terezi? she's pretty nice, isn't she? AG: No no no no no no no no! AG: I mean, yeah, they're fine. 8ut I can't talk to them! EB: why not? AG: For one thing, they would pro8a8ly just 8e pissed off at me for killing Tavros. AG: And more importantly, there's no waaaaaaaay I could tell them how I really feel a8out it. EB: well, how do you feel? AG: Horri8le!!!!!!!! AG: If any of my friends knew that, they would think I'm weak. EB: oh... EB: i guess i understand. i mean, i'm trying to, with the cultural difference and all. AG: Do you? EB: like, trolls are more violent and angry, right? kind of like klingons or something, which is an angry race of alien savages from a human tv show. AG: We aren't savages, you dope! EB: oh, i know, that's not what i meant! but i am guessing you all have to act tough to make it in your world, and have a sense of honor about fighting, and like to beat people up and stuff, right? AG: Uh, yeah........ AG: Let's say close enough! EB: but i think that no matter what alien culture you are from, killing is still wrong! EB: and it sounds like you do too. AG: Yeah, see. AG: This is where our cultures clash, I think. AG: It would 8e difficult to explain exactly how killing is viewed on our planet with all the nuance involved. AG: It just isn't the 8lack and white thing humans seem to think it is! EB: well, you could try. i am listening. AG: On my world, I would 8e completely vindic8ed for killing him! He is far lower on the hemospectrum than me. He managed to disrespect me time and time again, 8ut I kept letting him live! In fact, the amount of slack I cut him would 8e considered scandalous 8y those in my class. AG: I had every reason to kill him. And yet... AG: I feel 8ad a8out it like a lame weak fudge8lood, just like he was. AG: And the fact that I feel 8ad is why I'm sort of freaking out right now! EB: i think if you feel bad, it just means you have a conscience. which is good, right? AG: No. That's not how it works. AG: I'm supposed to 8e just fine with it. AG: This was sort of like a test, and I'm afraid I might 8e failing. EB: how was it like a test? AG: Well, it was the first time I killed some8ody. EB: ok. AG: W8! Ok, that's not really true. What I meant was, it was the first time I killed some8ody I cared a8out. EB: so... EB: you killed other people, that you didn't care about? AG: Yes. Sort of a lot, actually. 8ut there was a really good reason for that! EB: hm. how many? EB: or... do i want to know... AG: Oh, it doesn't matter. Pro8a8ly many thousands. EB: uhhhhhhhh. EB: hopy shit... AG: God, I know how this sounds! 8ut I had to feed her. My lusus I mean. I've 8asically 8een playing this role as a slave in the food chain my whole life. It is what she selected me to do. EB: i guess that is why you didn't get along with her? AG: Hell yes. EB: i see. EB: still, that is a LOT of killing. jesus... AG: Yeah, 8ut I never felt anything a8out it. It was just normal life for me. EB: but then you finally killed a guy you liked, and... EB: not so cool anymore? AG: Yeah. OH! AG: Ok, that's not quite right. He's the second person I cared a8out who I killed. AG: Man, I always forget a8out her! EB: uh. AG: I guess she wound up getting me 8ack pretty good though, so we're even. AG: Oh, also, TECHNICALLY I attempted to kill that same guy around the same time. AG: 8ut I just wound up paralyzing him! Oops, hahahaha. EB: ... AG: 8ut man. That was sweeps ago. AG: I think I had a really juvenile attitude a8out killing 8ack then. I think I was trying too hard? AG: I was always really o8sessed with 8eing the 8est at stuff, and I guess I was trying to 8e precocious in that respect as well, and prove to everyone how 8rutal I could be. AG: 8ut I was such a confused kid! I didn't know anything a8out what killing really means. I was trying to fake it, and it caused me nothing 8ut pro8lems. EB: i guess i had no idea how different we really were. EB: what i am hearing is seriously scaring the shit out of me! AG: Yeah, I know. I wish we didn't have to 8e so different. I'm just trying to 8e honest with you, 8ecause like I said, I have nowhere else to go. EB: ok, well i appreciate the honesty. EB: so... if killing isn't exactly wrong, then what is it? EB: what do you mean by "what killing really means"?
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AG: I guess I have to admit I don't actually know that much a8out humans either! AG: Other than that you are all pretty soft and mild mannered and seem to 8e friendlier, and think killing totally sucks. AG: I really have no clue what it means to grow up as a human, though. AG: 8ut I do know what it means grow up as a troll, and what's expected of us. EB: what does it mean? AG: When a troll comes of age, you 8etter 8elieve it means they're going to start killing. AG: It's what we do as a race. We are very effective conquerors, and as such, we practically domin8 our galaxy. Or... used to. AG: The ones that don't learn to 8e ruthless? They're 8etter off DEAD. AG: And the reality is, it won't 8e long until they are. That's just life for us. EB: that sounds terrible! EB: i would like to be culturally sensitive, but i wish it didn't have to be like that for you. EB: i have started to really like you guys! AG: Well, thanks John. That's nice of you to say. 8ut let's face it, it doesn't fucking matter anymore, since our whole race was wiped out! AG: May8e for the 8est, when you think a8out it. EB: :( AG: 8ut at least paradox space gave us some purpose 8efore wiping us out, right? AG: At least we got the chance to cre8te you guys, and all those twinkly stars you used to look up at. EB: yeah, that's true. AG: So 8ecause we got that chance, it means we'll never actually get to come of age and enter troll society, and see if we got what it takes. AG: 8ut that doesn't mean we stop growing up! AG: I think the game knows it's always gonna 8e played 8y kids, and it always rigs it so they enter right around the cusp of sexual maturity, whatever the race is. AG: Which kinda makes sense, since if they succeed, they've got their whole lives ahead of them to do whatever the hell they're going to do in their universe, like start repopul8ing and whatnot. AG: That means the game also knows it's got to deal with all these damn kids who are coming of age while playing it! AG: I really think how successfully they mature is tied to success in the game. It challenges the players in all the ways they need to 8e challenged to grow, which is different for every individual, and veeeeeeeery different for every race. AG: I don't think we were so hot at that aspect of the game. In fact, I'm sure we were quite awful. Hell, even I wasn't that gr8 at it! I actually just kinda fell ass 8ackwards into the god tier, to 8e honest. EB: hehe... yeah me too. :) AG: 8ut what really gets me is this didn't even occur to me until just now, while I was sitting around thinking a8out it. AG: It was so o8vious! EB: what? AG: That was why the game split us up into two teams. AG: It knew as we came of age, we'd pro8a8ly start killing each other. AG: So it just provided the stage. Red team vs. 8lue. It was so simple! All we had to do was what we were naturally inclined to. It might have worked out 8etter for us. EB: uh... EB: i don't really see how you guys killing each other would help you play the game better! AG: Yeah, you'd think that would 8e counter productive! 8ut then again, may8e not. AG: If we really did take the team thing seriously, and started killing each other, may8e it would have meant more god tiers? AG: May8e all of us would have made it???????? AG: Damn, can you imagine? We would have 8reezed through the game even faster, killed the king without a sweat. May8e claimed the reward 8efore Jack even showed up? AG: Or if he did, may8e we could have 8eaten him then and there instead of scurrying off like cowards!!!!!!!! AG: In retrospect we failed at this so spectacularly, I am amazed, and kind of ashamed. AG: It turned out that the only one of us with the guts to kill someone was already DEAD! Hahahahahahahaha. And 8oy, did I have it coming. EB: dead? AG: Yes, she was a ghost, and then 8ecame a ro8ot. Then she 8ecame a THOUSAND ro8ots. Then Jack killed them all 8ut one. Then she 8lew up. AG: Oh, and she also had that exact 8izarre laptop you are using right now. How weird is that? EB: gosh... EB: your team is so crazy! AG: Not crazy enough, apparently! AG: Actually, this is pro8a8ly Karkat's fault. EB: how? AG: When it comes down to it, he was pro8a8ly too good a leader! He actually did manage to get the two teams to work together toward the same goal. It could have easily deterior8ed into a feud otherwise. AG: He was just so loud and annoying and o8sessed with leadership. He wouldn't shut up! So it was just easier to go along with his plans. EB: huh... EB: yeah, i can see how that could be true. AG: He sure kept us working together, 8ut in the end I think we paid for it. AG: It wasn't natural! Pretty fitting, really, since he's kind of a freak himself. He's not even on the hemospectrum, the weirdo. AG: I really dou8t he would have handled it as a leader if the shit ever hit the whirling device. AG: He likes to pretend he's all vicious and 8loodthirsty, 8ut I know he 8n't got that in him. I have a sense for these things. AG: He'd 8e so pissed if he heard me say this, 8ut I think he'd cut it 8etter as a human than as a troll. EB: you probably mean that as an insult, but i think it is a nice compliment! EB: but... EB: i won't tell him you said it, heheheh.
|PESTERLOG|
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
GC: K4RK4T, MOR3 B4D N3WS carcinoGeneticist [CG] did not receive message from gallowsCalibrator [GC] GC: >:? GC: 1T S4YS YOU D1DNT G3T MY M3SS4G3 GC: YOU D1DNT BLOCK M3 OR 4NYTH1NG, D1D YOU????? GC: WH3R3 4R3 YOU! GC: 1 LOST MY GL4SS3S, BUT 1 4M B4CK 4T TH3 COMPUT3R L4B 4ND TH3R3 1S NO ON3 H3R3 GC: 3XC3PT FOR 4NOTH3R MURD3R V1CT1M >:[ GC: SH3 GOT F3F3R1 TH1S T1M3, 4ND M4YB3 K4N4Y4 TOO, 1 DONT KNOW GC: DO YOU KNOW 4BOUT TH1S Y3T? GC: 1F YOU G3T TH1S, PL34S3 B3 C4R3FUL K4RK4T, WH3R3V3R YOU 4R3 GC: 1M 4FR41D VR1SK4 H4S F1N4LLY GON3 COMPL3T3LY OUT OF CONTROL GC: DO NOT TRY TO 3NG4G3 H3R, SH3 1S TOO D4NG3ROUS GC: SH3 1S NOW MY R3SPONS1B1L1TY GC: ONLY 1 KNOW HOW TO D34L W1TH H3R GC: W4RN 3V3RYON3 3LS3 TO ST4Y 4W4Y TOO, 1F YOU C4N GC: WHY WONT 4NYON3 R3SPOND? WH4T TH3 H3LL 1S GO1NG ON H3R3 GC: S1GN >:[ GC: GOG D4MN, HOW 4M 1 GO1NG TO GO 4BOUT TH1S GC: 1 GU3SS 1 C4NT PUT 1T OFF FOR MUCH LONG3R GC: WHY C4NT YOU 4NSW3R? GC: 1 COULD R34LLY US3 SOM3ON3 TO T4LK TO 4BOUT 1T GC: OH W3LL GC: JUST DONT L3T H3R DR1NK YOUR BLOOD GC: 1TS 4LL M1N3, R3M3MB3R >:]
You reflect on your prior experience as the team's ectobiologist. It seemed like you were doing something so important at the time. Finally everything made sense. This was why you were here.
But what was the point? You are all clearly going to die the most pointless deaths possible. Everything you believed about your destiny was meaningless. You wish you never pushed those buttons and hatched your team out of all this goddamn slime. You are no ectobiologist. If only there was some other title more befitting of the true discipline you practice, and the death sentence given to whatever you do the disservice of creating. You can't think of one though.
And what about the OTHER twelve wigglers you spawned? Who were they? Probably further proof this was all meaningless and random. Could it be that they were the true heroes meant to be sent back to play this game, while your team was the superfluous crop? Could a mistake have been made during the reckoning?
Or just maybe, she was right about them all along. Not that it makes any difference now.
Something is stirring behind you. Something unconscious and toothless.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: so... what about jack? AG: What a8out him? EB: are you still planning on killing him? AG: Hmmmmmmmm. EB: that would be a constructive way to use your killer troll instincts, even by human standards. EB: it is much better than killing friends. AG: Yeah, you're right. AG: And to tell you the truth, part of the reason I wanted to kill him was to protect them. It's not just a8out glory you know. AG: 8ecause if I don't do it, then who will? EB: well, we have a plan to defeat him too, so there's that. AG: Yes, I know a8out your plan. AG: I guess two plans are 8etter than one, right? EB: yeah. EB: so... EB: will you go fight him then? AG: Man, I don't know anymore. AG: It's one reason I'm freaking out a8out this. A8out feeling 8ad a8out a simple, perfectly justifia8le killing. AG: If I can't handle that, doesn't it mean I'm not as strong as I thought? What hope do I have against Jack if that's the case? EB: for whatever it's worth coming from a human, feeling remorse doesn't make you weak! EB: i bet you are still really strong. EB: but then, i'm not sure if i actually want to encourage you to go off fighting him... EB: because as strong as you probably are, it sounds like he is REALLY strong. EB: and even though you killed tons of people, i think i would still be pretty sad if you died. AG: Aw. ::::) EB: so maybe you should just let us handle it? at least we won't fight him directly. AG: I don't know. Even though I'm conflicted, it still feels like something I have to do. AG: I admit, I'm pretty scared thinking a8out it. AG: Not of him necessarily, 8ut of the fact that I apparently don't know myself as well as I 8elieved. AG: What if I'm not as lucky as I thought? AG: What if I do not in fact have ALLLLLLLL of the luck? EB: well, maybe you don't? EB: all of the luck sounds like an awful lot of luck to have. AG: Exactly! AG: 8ut then, if there is no chance of catching a 8ad 8r8k, then taking a risk doesn't even qualify as 8r8very, does it? AG: It isn't even a risk, 8y definition!!!!!!!! AG: So if this is going to mean anything, I guess I just have to find the strength from somewhere to go through with it. AG: More than just the fakey strength that comes from turning a 8lind eye to all your flaws. You know what I mean? EB: heh. AG: Hmm........ EB: what?
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AG: You know how I said I couldn't rel8 to the attachment you have for your guardians? EB: yes. AG: Well, I guess that isn't completely true. AG: There are adult trolls who we can rel8 to, if we choose to, and if we are lucky enough to discover who they are. AG: 8ut it is not really in a familial sense, at least not socially speaking, the way you understand family. They are more like figures of legend, who are said to have more in common with us genetically than any other troll. 8ut we can never meet them of course. Only look up to them, and follow in their footsteps, 8ecause they died centuries ago. EB: like... EB: ancestors? AG: Yeah! AG: We are each supposed to have one, and if you 8elieve the lore a8out it, your destiny will 8e tied to theirs. You will find clues pointing to them and who they were, 8ut you will only notice them if your eyes are open. AG: You then can choose to take up the life they left for you. And if you do, they will always 8e looking out for you, and guide you in finishing what they started. EB: wow, that is kinda neat. EB: so, do you believe? AG: I don't have to 8elieve. AG: I am completely certain it is true, and I know who mine is! AG: I have 8een doing my 8est to honor her legacy for most of my life. AG: I even named my roleplaying character after her! AG: She gained all the levels. EB: all of them? AG: AAAAAAAALL. AG: OOOOOOOOF. AG: THEEEEEEEEM! EB: hehe... EB: how did you know she was the one?
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AG: It was 8efore I ever started gaming, or rounding up other kids to feed my lusus. AG: I was nearing the age where I would 8e expected to feed her. AG: And she was starting to get so 8ig, that she would have to crawl out of the caverns soon, no longer a8le to feast on stray wigglers she caught in her we8. AG: It was kind of an intense sym8iotic thing, a particularly demanding lusus-troll relationship, and only really strong kids are supposed to 8e a8le to handle it. AG: So of course I was terrified of the responsi8ility looming! AG: I really didn't think I would make it. I was sure I'd fail, and my lusus would either get angry and eat me, or she'd just die and then I'd 8e culled. AG: 8ut then I saw a shooting star one evening. AG: I tracked down where it landed, and found a chest with my sign on it. AG: A sign is an insignia we must wear, specific to our class. Each class has a huge alpha8et of signs, so when someone shares yours, you know you have a lot in common. I was so excited to see it. EB: what was in the chest!
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AG: It was her journal! AG: She documented all of her amazing adventures as she sailed around the world, commanding a notoriously deadly fleet of Gam8lignants. AG: It was so thrilling reading it. It really felt like she wrote it just for me, like she was talking right to me and telling me how to 8e like her. She even left notes on where she 8uried treasure and stuff, which I followed l8er when I started RPing. I found her dice that way, and so many other gr8 things. AG: Learning a8out her gave me the strength and confidence to do what I had to do. EB: that is a pretty exciting story! EB: so then, your great great great grandnanna or such was some kind of troll pirate? uh, i mean, pir8? AG: Yeah!!!!!!!! AG: And that's not all. AG: Not that I really needed it proved to me that she was my ancestor, 8ut that's exactly what happened while playing this game. AG: It turned out that in addition to cre8ting us all in the ecto8iology la8, Karkat cre8ted our ancestors too! AG: 8ut he never 8elieved in any of that, and just thought they were random extra wigglers serving no purpose, the stu88orn jackass. AG: The more common 8loods are less inclined to give a shit a8out that kind of stuff, legends and tradition and all that. AG: Those in the upper classes like me put more stock in it, and rightly so. EB: now that you mention that... EB: it really sounds like our situations are not so different! EB: i created our guardians in the lab too, along with the four of us. EB: and when you think about it... EB: i never even knew my nanna. EB: she died before i was born. or, uh, before i created myself and sent baby me back in time, i mean. EB: so really, she is my ancestor too! someone i am connected to genetically, but never knew. AG: Oh yeah. Wow, I never thought a8out that. EB: and even though i never knew her, she definitely helped me when i was growing up! EB: i followed in her footsteps, and became an incredible prankster. AG: Hahahaha. That is an admira8le calling, John. Every 8it as dignified as the path of the Marquise! EB: i even had a book i learned a lot from too, the book was sort of a family tradition. EB: it was written by an even older ancestor, my nanna's grandpa, who was only the most LEGENDARY PRANKSTER OF ALL TIME. EB: so as you can see, we have both benefited greatly from ancestral wisdom. AG: Yeah, that's so awesome! EB: i think it is nice to see that when you take a closer look, we have a lot more in common than we first thought. AG: I agree. AG: Haha, oh man... EB: what? AG: I was just thinking a8out your life on Earth. AG: You had it so easy! You don't have to go hunting for clues a8out your ancestors at all. AG: There was a picture of her hanging RIGHT THERE on the wall of your hive. EB: heheheh, yep! also, her ashes were there too. AG: Hahahahahahahaha! AG: I don't know why, 8ut that is just so funny to me. AG: Your lives are so simple and easy. It must 8e really nice 8eing a human, even though you're all so weak. AG: 8ut may8e it's ok to 8e weak, if that's what's normal. EB: yeah, it is pretty great, actually. i highly recommend being human.
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twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]
TA: terezi? GC: F1N4LLY!!! GC: 1 W4S ST4RT1NG TO TH1NK 1 W4S TH3 L4ST ON3 OF US 4L1V3 GC: H4V3 YOU S33N K4RK4T? TA: n0. TA: but i've sure as hell heard him. GC: WH4T DO3S TH4T M34N?? GC: 4ND WHY 4R3 YOU TYP1NG L1K3 TH1S, 1TS V3RY ODD >:? TA: it means that i'm blind n0w. TA: and i guess i talk like this cause... TA: kk kn0cked 0ut all my teeth like s0me kind of grubfisted d0uche. TA: eheheh, n0w he's flipping 0ut.
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GC: 1'M R3L13V3D YOU 4ND H3 4R3 OK GC: 1 W4S G3TT1NG SO WORR13D, H3 WOULDN'T 4NSW3R TA: seems like he wants t0 talk t0 y0u. TA: but i was h0ping t0 talk with y0u a bit first, h0pe y0u d0n't mind. TA: i mean, i kn0w he minds, but he can sm00ch my bl00dy, gummy m0uth right 0n the lisp f0r all i care. TA: i mean lips! that's what i mean t0 say, n0w that i can. TA: lips, lips, lipsssss. w0w, it feels s0 great t0 say that w0rd! GC: H3H3H3 >:] GC: OK SOLLUX, W3 C4N T4LK GC: WH4T 1S TH1S 4BOUT YOU B31NG BL1ND? TA: i h0pe y0u d0n't find it insulting that i wanted t0 talk t0 y0u ab0ut it first. TA: y0u just seemed like the right 0ne t0 talk t0 ab0ut it. GC: 1 DO NOT M1ND GC: HOW D1D 1T H4PP3N? TA: it was eridan. TA: g0t me with his fucking science stick, but it's my fault, i t0tally underestimated him. GC: OH NO TA: h0nestly i'm 0k with it th0ugh, i'm fine, i mean, aside fr0m the part ab0ut n0t being able t0 see g0d damn squat. GC: SOLLUX... GC: DO YOU KNOW 4BOUT F3F3R1? TA: yes. GC: 1M SORRY >:[ TA: me t00. TA: but it's 0k, i'm 0k with that t00. TA: it's hard t0 explain h0w i'm feeling n0w. TA: i just kn0w that she is happy and 0k right n0w. TA: just like aradia is. GC: YOU 4R3 SUR3 YOUR3 OK? TA: yeah. TA: i feel better than i ever have, really. TA: there is n0 m0re n0ise, i never realized h0w N0ISY it was. TA: i can finally relax, and hear my 0wn th0ughts with0ut having t0 yell them, 0r actually, just n0t have any th0ughts, that's a nice change 0f pace. GC: TH4TS GOOD GC: WH4T K1ND OF NO1S3 W3R3 YOU H34R1NG TA: v0ices. TA: indiscriminate, indecipherable v0ices, all talking at 0nce, v0ices 0f the s00n t0 be dead. TA: they had been getting l0uder lately, and i just figured they were all 0urs. TA: i tuned them 0ut kind 0f like i pretty much always d0, but n0w that they're g0ne the difference is HUGE, i mean W0W. TA: maybe since they're g0ne, it means we w0n't have t0 die anym0re?
You start thrashing up stunts something uncannybrutal on your quest forOH GOD DAMMIT.
You were making a play for that sicknasty pack of deliriously mouthwatering Doritos and this idiot got stuck in a pole again. Time to reset for the third time this hour.
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apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]
AA: hello! TG: hey AA: i think its absurd i never introduced myself to you in all that time i spent moping around the lab AA: guess i wasnt in a very good mood AA: hi dave my names aradia TG: christ TG: youre a fan of one of my websites arent you TG: what asshole gave you my chumhandle TG: also what was your favorite thing i did you liked TG: and what did you think was so great about it TG: also TG: asl??? AA: um AA: 6 a girl and a place very close to you AA: in fact AA: i could visit you right now if you would like TG: oh holy shit ok youre a troll TG: only trolls say theyre six i dont know whats up with you and that dumb fake age AA: to be fair it translates to the same age as you which at the moment is 12 is it not TG: makes no sense bye AA: understanding disparities in the flow of time should be easy for people like us let alone understanding disparities in such pedestrian things as units AA: i am 6 sweeps old one sweep is a little more than 2 years you dummy! TG: cool story AA: look it is either the truth or i am just someone who is being a bit playful what is the harm in that TG: ok so 2=6 awesome joke hahahaha TG: or wait maybe it was just a waste of time TG: you people think im made of the stuff AA: :D
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AA: i know you arent AA: but i am TG: what AA: maid of time AA: whereas you are the knight of the very same cosmic faculty AA: it would seem we have very little in common dave AA: when in fact we have very much TG: yeah TG: i think TG: im gonna shut off my phone now cya AA: yes AA: thats definitely what you did the first time we had this conversation AA: so i will wait patiently while you realize thats not what youre going to do this time TG: uh TG: what TG: the fuck AA: dave describe to me why you are now incredulous please TG: i remember this TG: i remember shutting off my phone and never talking to you again TG: but TG: im still talking TG: whats going on AA: of course you remember that AA: this is a memory TG: no its a dream TG: im asleep TG: or am i TG: what is going on here AA: come to the window TG: why AA: because im outside TG: bs AA: take a look TG: i dont see anything out there AA: that iiis AA: becaaause AA: im not out there anymore! AA: turn around
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TG: these arent my shades anymore TG: john gave me these new ones for my bday TG: i remember that TG: and i wasnt wearing this shirt TG: it was this one TG: howd it get like that AA: try to remember TG: i cant TG: wait TG: i wasnt wearing this actually
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TG: i was wearing this suit TG: no wait TG: it was a black one AA: are you sure TG: yeah TG: and i was playing sburb TG: thats right TG: and then i went to sleep at some point TG: which is why im asleep now TG: but TG: if im dreaming TG: then why am i not awake as my dream self AA: why indeed! TG: shit TG: this wasnt the suit i was wearing
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TG: it was this ugly fucking rag AA: yes AA: i think it looks pretty nice but go on TG: and i went to take a nap TG: terezi said id reach god tier TG: or i guess show me why i wouldnt TG: did it work is this part of the process somehow AA: no AA: sorry TG: so then TG: its just a stupid pointless dream AA: not exactly TG: wait TG: oh yeah TG: i woke up TG: and then
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TG: so then TG: im dead AA: yes TG: then this isnt a memory or a dream at all TG: its the afterlife AA: yes and no AA: yes and 2 nos! AA: it is the afterlife AA: but what is happening now is taking place in a bubble which is accessible to the living through dreams under the right conditions AA: and it is also your memory AA: the entry point for any bubble is always a memory AA: either a memory of the dead AA: or a memory of the living dreamer come to visit! AA: but once you realize it is not just a memory AA: what happens next is up to you
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TG: ok TG: what is going on over here then TG: is this some disturbing ghost hallucination should i start slapping myself or what AA: no this actually did happen TG: i dont remember this AA: thats because it isnt your memory AA: this is alpha dave AA: the one who chose not to take the nap which led to your death TG: fuck TG: lucky bastard TG: so then i guess terezi tricked me AA: did she AA: didnt you ask for this TG: it would have been cool to know if picking one option would definitely kill me pointlessly so yeah TG: but i guess i kept giving her shit about it and i knew she was kind of crazy and morbid anyways so whatever TG: is TG: bro dead there AA: evidently TG: like in reality TG: like thats a thing that really happened TG: also TG: is reality still a thing that means something can that be a question on the table too AA: yes yes and yes AA: yes it can be on the table and yes reality still means something AA: and yes your guardian did die TG: well TG: dammit TG: what did i do wrong TG: aside from getting my ass killed in the most retarded way possible AA: nothing AA: all is well and as it should be TG: whats he doing TG: alpha me AA: what would you be doing there if you were him TG: i am him AA: even better! TG: i dunno AA: would you be upset TG: yeah TG: sorta AA: then maybe what you are doing is grieving AA: in whatever way that comes naturally to you TG: maybe AA: you are lucky to be able to AA: i could not for a long time AA: but now that i can again im so relieved AA: because i have discovered there is no reason to grieve! TG: ok TG: am i talking to someone there AA: looks like it TG: who AA: who do you suspect you would be talking to in this situation TG: probably TG: terezi i guess AA: maybe she is helping you through this TG: i dunno TG: would she do that AA: you were helping her werent you TG: was i AA: i think so AA: the living need each others help AA: just like the dead do AA: alpha dave still has a long way to go AA: hes still not at ease with his mortality AA: but people like us have to be! AA: we have to be prepared to die a thousand deaths before our quest is complete AA: the master we serve demands it TG: so TG: im just one dead dave offered up to the time god AA: pretty much TG: what about the other dead daves AA: they come here too AA: in their own bubbles AA: you may cross paths with them if you wish TG: uh TG: i think TG: im up to my neck in dave already TG: just being one AA: ha AA: i know the feeling :) TG: still doesnt seem right though TG: why are you even here like why are you showing me this AA: im not showing you im just visiting your bubble AA: it projects your thoughts and memories AA: as well as other things relevant to you much like the clouds do in skaia TG: but like TG: if im seeing this TG: shouldnt i be able to do something about it TG: or stop it from happening or TG: i dont know like anything to keep helping my friends TG: what do i do AA: nothing AA: none of this is your business anymore AA: its time to move on
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TG: where are we now AA: oh look this was my hive! AA: before it was destroyed TG: oh so this is the trollplanet TG: pretty cool not really what i pictured AA: what did you picture TG: i dont know its more subdued TG: i pictured a lot more mayhem like TG: a bunch of trolls flying around in little grub pods constantly screaming at each other through bullhorns shaped like buckets AA: thats very silly and a little perverse TG: hahaha AA: but actually that sounds like what it might have been like on some parts of the planet sooo TG: can we not go to those parts AA: ill put in a good word with your bubble about it TG: awesome TG: so what am i supposed to do now that im dead TG: what is like TG: the primary activity here TG: that ghosts get their shit worked up over TG: like TG: where are the fucking hauntoffs at is what im asking AA: i dont know about hauntoffs AA: but there is plenty of time to satisfy various curiosities you might have about existence and whatnot TG: boring AA: is it TG: just kidding that sounds cool AA: oh! yes TG: what else AA: there are all sorts of friends to meet AA: ones you already know and ones you dont AA: there is plenty of time for just about anything AA: lots and lots of time AA: enough time to understand that time isnt much of anything at all TG: it isnt AA: time is like a game AA: just one fun game in realitys cupboard which is full of them AA: its the one we are the best at! AA: while other people are better at the other games AA: but when all the games are back in the cupboard everyone is about the same AA: and games are fun but sometimes you dont realize how much fun you were having until theyre all over AA: and sometimes you look back and realize for some stupid reason you werent having any fun at all! AA: then you laugh TG: ha TG: haha TG: i bet you meant a laugh a whole lot less shitty than that AA: that laugh will suffice AA: hey! AA: want to see inside my hive TG: yeah sure TG: well TG: how about later TG: not that that doesnt sound cool but i kind of want to just go home TG: and i guess chill for a while cause i guess it was all a bit much TG: if thats ok and i guess also possible AA: it is quite possible and more than ok
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AA: it seems you have a hiveguest dave TG: aw hell no TG: is this who i think this is AA: tavros has been looking forward to meeting you AT: hEYYY, AT: fIRST, oK, i THINK YOU'RE FANTASTIC, AT: wHICH IS TO SAY, jUST AN ENVIABLY COOL GUY, wHO i ADMIRE, AT: lET'S PUT THAT COMPLIMENT ON THE TABLE WHERE WE CAN BOTH SEE IT, TG: holy shit AT: lOOKS LIKE i FOUND ANOTHER POINT IN TIME TO BOTHER YOU, AT: wHEN, i GUESS, AT: yOU ARE MORE EMOTIONALLY SUSCEPTIBLE, AT: }:) TG: dude TG: are those sick fires youre packing there TG: you best not be bringin that fire into my bubble less you plan on dropping that shit AT: oHH, bRO, AT: tHESE ARE WITHOUT ANY CONFUSION TO BE NOTED AS SOME TRULY UNHEALTHY INCENDIARIES, AT: tHEY ARE IN ABOVE AVERAGE NEED OF MEDICAL ATTENTION, AT: sO, iN OTHER WORDS, jUST TO COMPLETE THE ANALOGY, i HOPE YOU KNOW A LICENSED PHYSICIAN, TG: i am your general fucking practitioner and doctors orders are to shut up and burn down my goddamn office TG: ill break your brittle ass like a graham cracker and well roast smores over the flaming debris have i made myself clear AT: aH, hAHA, yES, aND, AT: cERTAIN FEATURES OF YOUR PALE ANATOMY MAY SERVE AS THE MARSH MALLOW INGREDIENT, nEEDED FOR THE MOLTEN SNACK, AT: i WILL PROVIDE THE FUDGE, }:D TG: dude TG: gross TG: so aradia just so were clear TG: this is like a hellbubble right TG: its my eternal punishment to have shitty rapoffs with this tool forever is that it AA: yes you figured out the mystery! TG: i guess i had it coming for a flagrant lifetime spent being unbelievably fucking incredible at rap and just about practically everything else TG: except not dying AA: you may think so but then again you have not faced team charge in a match of slam poetry have you AT: oHHHH, yESSS, AA: just kidding im no good at slam poetry haha sorry AT: oHHHH, AT: oH, }:( TG: so is he dead TG: he looks dead AA: yes hes dead TG: what about you TG: you dont look dead TG: are you dreaming AA: no i am wide awake AA: and i physically stand before you in person! TG: so TG: youre not dead AA: oh no
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EB: ok then, i guess i will get going. AG: Go where? EB: to keep looking for my dad! AG: Are you sure you don't have more important things to worry a8out? EB: um... EB: are you saying that i am still not supposed to find him yet? AG: John, please. I thought you were done getting the future spoon fed to you like this. AG: I have told you that you will find your dad eventually. That should 8e good enough! Don't you think it's time to start taking your responsi8ility more seriously? EB: well, yeah. EB: but what responsibility do you mean? AG: We just concluded that I am going to go fight Jack. And there is a possi8ility I will fail! He could kill me easily for all I know. 8ut it's something I have to try. AG: And if I do fail, your plan will serve as 8ackup. There is a lot riding on you, John. On 8oth of us! EB: ok. EB: so you're saying i should go get the tumor now instead of putting it off? AG: I'm not telling you to do anything. Just reminding you of what's at st8ke. EB: wait, i mean the tumor. EB: wait... EB: i mean The Tumor! AG: Why don't we just call it what it is. AG: A 8ig fucking 8om8 in the core of your 8attlefield. EB: yeah. EB: which is what i was wondering about... EB: how am i supposed to get it out? EB: i guess go find a cave or something? AG: Yes, you could pro8a8ly go looking for a sanctioned entry point. AG: Or you could just do what winners in a hurry do. EB: what... AG: Cheat! EB: uh, is that even possible? AG: It's practically always possi8le. AG: I won't tell you how, 8ut I will point out you could start making 8etter use of your powers than facilit8ing noisy joyrides. AG: Is that what Earth is like, 8y the way? A 8unch of humans flying around in little wheeled pods constantly 8eeping at each other with their chauffeur familiars???????? EB: hehe, no. EB: well, maybe some places, but most cars stay on the ground, because science fiction hasn't happened yet. AG: Anyway, I'm just saying it's time to do something useful and impressive with your powers, deli8er8ly for a change. You are a god now, remem8er? EB: yes, but... EB: all i can do is make a lot of wind blow around! EB: how is that going to help? AG: Use your imagin8tion! AG: That windy thing of yours is more vers8tile than you think. EB: alright, i will try.
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AG: Good. AG: I think it's time for me to get going too. I will prepare for 8attle. EB: oh, man. EB: i guess if there is nothing i can say to change your mind, and it's something you really have to do, then i understand. EB: but, how about this... AG: What? EB: can this not be the last time we talk before you go? EB: it would be nice to hear from you at least once before you leave to fight him. AG: Yeah! You got it. I will message you 8efore I leave. EB: in my future, too! none of this messaging me in the past nonsense, before i even knew you. AG: Of course. EB: ok, great. i will hold you to that, vriska. AG: It will 8e a certainty. AG: That said, there is no need for any sort of farewell right now. AG: Go do your amazing windy thing, John. 8e cre8tive! I will talk to you l8er. EB: ok, i will, later!
This woman sure does seem to like her wine. The gentleman has never met a woman quite so taken with the drink, or one as enchanting and beautiful, for that matter.
The fellow has stained the mademoiselle's fine garment. The gaffe is unforgivable, and the only true course of chivalry would be to liberate the damsel from the sodden cloth and launder it immediately.
But the lady has no concern for the purity of her finery. She has other things on her mind altogether.
The woman has never met a gentleman so strong and considerate and handsome. She cannot tell for certain if her intoxication is due to her seventh glass of wine, or the contours of his proud, powerful nose, and the sensual aroma wafting from his pipe.
The man and the woman are at ease. They have everything because they have each other. They know that together they can make it through anything, whether trouble brings a bit of spilled wine on a chic lab coat, or reduces the very castle beneath their feet to ruins.
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~ On the 14th 8ilunar perigee of the 2nd dim season's equinox ~
The Orphaner poses a caliginous riddle like no other I've met. I am presuming him 8othered 8y jealousy, and it would 8e sickening if it were not so marvelously amusing. 8ut then, who 8ut royalty could have the finned cheek to show disdain for the manner in which his 8lack lover conducts her red conquests? Less has acceler8ted meeker than I to homicide, and the viol8tion would hold me aghast, again, if his misgivings did not complement his so endearing arsenal of qu8nt flaws. It is impossi8le to stifle this grin even now as I write.
He surely understands this as my maritime overlord, a superior while through gritting fangs he would concede the expanse of my plunder makes his seem hardly worthwhile to trou8le a map with good ink over. I know he understands. I will take what I want. I expect nothing less from Dualscar, and truly, less would offend me. Is it the crude 8lood of the suitors from which I have taken enjoyment recently? If his displeasure is with my 8lithe treatment of the social order then he has either not spent enough time in the warm company of my indifference, or is simply very stupid. I saw the look he gave. He's so secure in knowing I can't feel what's in his mind he forgets the tr8torous ways of his own face. His little looks are words to me, interjections in our deliciously 8itter repartee. First a look as I summon a slave from the hold, with such ease 8etween my remarks. Why yes, Dualscar, they were the very slaves in your hold until 8ut this hour. Another ship deployed carelessly, languishing in strategic vulnera8ility. Is this not our routine? Our dance? What is this look, my dear kismesis? Is it shame? Envy? Contempt for what he knows will follow?
I nod her over. She is fearful and it makes her prettier. He scoffs without a movement or sound. I know there is disgust feeding the shadows in his corner of my 8lock. At least prick her in the light, he surely thinks. Determine what vulgar hue she 8leeds 8efore persisting with your a8asement, Marquise. Do try to understand, Orphaner. Not knowing is the point, and if you truly understood this, your crusade against the Gam8lignants would not 8e among our Grand High8lood's most uproarious punchlines. (If only one truly needed to 8e so high to find it amusing!) And so not knowing, I take her will, 8ut leave enough of it to enjoy her response. Her hands are in my service 8ut they still shake. They unfasten the first 8utton at my jacket's waist, clumsily. I have masked the line 8etween my puppeteering and her volition exquisitely, and her uncertainty over her own control fuels her fear. She unfastens the second 8utton, and 8etween the second and third, I make a casual remark to Dualscar, continuing our convers8tion. He does not respond.
I look again at the face of my slave, imagining for a moment her mind is not an unguarded port to her every dread. I imagine I cannot feel her conviction that it's not merely a matter of whether she will 8e put to the irons, 8ut how hot they will 8e if she fails to please. Poor thing. Her horns make attractive shapes and pair themselves pleasantly amidst her violent snarls of hair. Her fingers, which I have lost track of, to my surprise have come 8etween the petticoat and my skin. The heat of her touch tells me the likely range for the color of her 8lood. I wouldn't have guessed it to look at her, not with her sign stripped. Her mouth opens slightly and I squint. Ah! Razor sharp, and none missing. Perfect. How disappointing it is to find quivering lips hiding dull teeth. I pause to consider. What will her fear 8ecome if I choose to show her mercy later? And even, in days, kindness? Will this 8e the red dalliance that 8ecomes fully flushed? Love demands my cunning just as my raids. If it is to 8e, she will never understand how thoroughly she was manipul8ted, her 8ody, her mind, her devotion.
I remem8er Dualscar again. My distraction from our 8anter was momentarily a8solute, and I inquire into the shadows. 8ut he is gone.
Then go, my kismesis. Fume with the indign8tion I gave you. I can only pray it 8lackens our 8ond. I must know such exhi8itions agit8 him and hence why I 8other, otherwise it would 8e easy to dismiss him 8efore I partook. Let it 8e a gift of antagoniz8tion to you, my dear rival, on which you may 8rew pitch for me anew. And if it is true envy, a vermilion yearning I can't a8ide, then though it pains me it will 8e farewell.
Alas, it may 8e that I am too good at spurring h8. Too good, at least, for him. I only hope he is not so foolish as to tread a path of less torrid malice.
My suspicions have 8een confirmed. I'm not grinning anymore, Dualscar.
Our orderly contention has dissolved right 8efore my vision 8fold. It was once a handsome 8lack, 8ut now sits like good strong tea sullied and cooled 8y unwelcome dairy.
Thus my heart was 8roken twice. I was fond of the slave. There was surely promise in her red investment. He had her assassin8ed.
|JOURNALOG|
And so I am visited 8y a 8it of 8ad luck for a change. It's not possi8le to evade it forever, I suppose. I will simply have to endure the misfortune of o8serving his 8ase and artless measures of retali8tion.
|JOURNALOG|
He's applied his own resources to increase the 8ounty on my head. I wonder if he intends such a laugha8ly ineffectual gesture as anything more than a formality, a sym8ol of his intent. If not, my smile. How it threatens to revisit. Almost.
I've 8roken laws, yes. 8ut what has there 8een to pay for? If any act I've taken should demand a 8ounty, it was paid up front. I foot the 8ill myself with guile and supremacy.
If only my hoard were as 8ottomless as his desire to disappoint me. He is set on cowardice, deferring to others to settle his score.
Doesn't he remem8er what he's confided? It would 8e easy to give the evidence to Her Imperious Condescension, and he would 8e killed quickly for his unthinka8le presumption. He's taken a gr8 risk har8oring red am8itions for an empress who will never even know his name. Not that I'll sink to his tactics.
8ut then, he feels safety in knowing this. My sources say he is en route.
I've learned Dualscar has reported to the Grand High8lood all the intelligence he has on me and my fleet. It was inform8tion he'd guarded closely to protect our once mutually cherished rivalry. He couldn't let it fall into the wrong hands, lest another 8esiege me more effectively and cause me to wax for the usurper. Not that he'd raised that mast particularly high himself. Ah, the shortcomings I manage to overlook for the sake of a lover.
I would have enjoyed witnessing the entertainment he prepared to please the High8lood. His sense of humor was dreadful. It would have 8een a true miracle if he survived the appointment.
Funny, I always imagined a grander entry in my journal for your demise, Dualscar. 8ut I should have realized you would die as you lived. A joke. One more humorous little sacrifice kindly given to the Su8juggl8ors, and one step closer to the release of the Vast Honk they prophesize. I am overjoyed to understand now this was always your destiny.
|JOURNALOG|
It's 8een nearly a week since Dualscar's fitting end and I'd all 8ut forgotten the matter. It seems the Su8juggl8ors were not particularly inspired 8y his revel8tions a8out my affairs. Sources tell me their response was to commission one of the court's neophyte legislacerators to conduct the investig8tion and 8ring me to justice.
|JOURNALOG|
Neophyte Redglare is reported to 8e quite talented. I find no reason to dou8t this. Still, how can I 8e caused any unrest to learn their recourse is to send a lone, inexperienced 8ureaucrat to apprehend me?
I cannot view this as anything other than full concession 8y the High8loods. They now only seek to maintain the appearance of pursuing me. May8e they find my exploits amusing? I couldn't possi8ly disagree. Those rare moments when my superiors show wisdom come perilously close to restoring my faith in the social order.
|JOURNALOG|
As for Redglare, it would surprise me if I ever heard her name again. If she finds me then I welcome her challenge. 8ut I am so confident she will play no relevant role in my future, I won't even 8other peering into my oracle to satisfy my curiosity.
You begin claiming trophies to celebrate your magnificent triumph over the defenseless loving couple. The man's hat suits you perfectly. It is plain and serviceable. Yes, that looks so good. The only way the look could possibly be improved is if it was blacker. Or bloodier.
This beautiful scarf will look quite dramatic as you soar through the air, scouring the surface for new victims. It is finely crafted and the fabric is wonderfully soft. Your powerful nose detects perfume. The odor is pleasant.
Wait, this pipe is great too. It makes you look dignified and thoughtful. Yes, this will be your trophy as well.
All of the glorious trophies will belong to you. There is no possession of the fallen so trivial that it would not make a splendid adornment to your intimidating visage.
This is no way for a killer of your elite profile to dress. Your rise to omnipotence has had a regrettable influence on your vanity it seems. Have you forgotten the original grievance with frivolous attire that got you here?
That's it. NO MORE TROPHIES. YOU ARE SWEARING OFF TROPHIES FOREVER.
It used to be that when you were bored with paperwork, you would go distract yourself by sharpening one of your favorite knives, or give your most disapproving scowl through a fenestrated wall to survey the kingdom. But those were simpler times. There is only one cure for boredom befitting a demigod, and that is more senseless killing.
You consult your proud long snout for assistance with the hunt. You pick up the maddening scent of one of the young graveyard stuffers. You are sure it is the same one you slaughtered earlier, and yet his stench remains, confounding you from every direction. It is as if THE BREEZE which carries it deliberately seeks to obfuscate the odor's origin. Your thoughts become more murderous with each blustery taunt.
You are consumed by murderous thoughts and you prepare to embark on a killing spree to end all oh for fuck's sake you start thinking about dog things again.
WHY DO BONES HAVE TO BE SO DELICIOUS AND ENTICING.
You get the Draconian Dignitary on the line. He asks what the hell you've been up to. You say it doesn't matter. You have a point of serious business to discuss with him. He makes sure you're remembering to keep the destructive impulses to a minimum. No more planet exploding or anything like that. You say yeah yeah. He says no point in securing power when there's nothing left to rule. You say you know, god. It's not the point.
Lousy stupid dignitary, all keeping your murderous tendencies in check. He's the most terrible guy you almost kind of didn't despise completely.
You attempt to humor the Sovereign Slayer's demands diplomatically. There's a narrow line to walk between obeying the orders of a clear superior and blindly facilitating a perfectly useless genocide. It takes a very savvy breed of psychopath to pull it off.
The Slayer is yapping about some girl. Probably one of the young players who can no longer provide any serious threat to your rule. But he wants you to go kill her anyway. You ask why he doesn't go kill her himself. He says it's complicated. This guy, you swear. You tell him you're busy with things that actually matter. Like running this kingdom on his behalf and all. Levying taxes, oppressing consorts, all the unpleasant chores he would never dirty his snout with. He says this is more important than any of that stuff. You say fine, just send the droll after her.
There's a moment of radio silence.
He says you mean the COURTYARD Droll? He wants to be sure this is the same droll you're talking about. You say yeah, what's the problem? He says, you mean the very same droll who couldn't manage the one simple task assigned to him, to steal the White Queen's ring from the very same adoring, wonderful girl and master and friend in question? Wait. He says he just means girl. Just girl. You didn't hear any of that.
You don't say anything.
He says fine. You win. Sic the stupid droll on her, what does he care.
You hit up the droll. The slayer was right, this guy is clearly incompetent. Still, the only real objective here is to get him to stop breathing down your neck with his awful dog breath.
Looks like the droll's on the battlefield. He says he is still looking for the queen's ring. He says he made a new friend to help him with his search. But it is terribly breezy on this planet, and his new friend keeps blowing around making the search more difficult! He says thank goodness he is not wearing one of his finer hats. It would be just dreadful trying to keep it on his head in such weather!
You say you don't care about any of that stuff, and tell him to shut up.
The dignitary is one of your superiors who makes you nervous. The list of superiors who make you nervous in fact includes all of your superiors. It includes many of your inferiors as well.
He tells you to forget the ring. You failed your mission, and you are never going to find it. There is a new mission. You say oh? He says yeah. And let go of the goddamn rabbit. You say ok, but don't actually let go.
You say you will be happy to begin the new mission very soon. But first there is this pretty blue tornado ahead you were meaning to investigate. Perhaps other locals it has attracted will know something about the ring? He says for the love of god, will you forget about the tornado and the ring. You don't say anything and look longingly at the tornado again. He says fine, if you really must examine a meaningless and extraordinarily dangerous exhibit of meteorological phenomena, then go ahead. But be ready to embark on the mission not a moment later. You say alright, and wonder what you should do to prepare. He asks if you have a good winter hat.
There. Now that those wheels are in motion, you guess you can put your mind at ease for a while. You find nothing quite so troubling as the intrusion of a positive emotion.
You are momentarily afforded the peace of mind to resume a dull, quiet life of semi-restrained murder. Maybe you will wait here and see if the boy shows up. It's reasonable to assume he will seek these adults. Certainly easier to let him come to you than follow an untraceable scent. Or maybe you will take a look inside this castle. Perhaps there are survivors here fit for the offing? You GUESS that could serve some amusement.
You wonder if it will always be like this. What sort of future does a new god have to look forward to? Will this malaise follow you for eternity? Will you be perpetually tempted to destroy everything you see, knowing that in just a few moments of recklessness, you will be left with nothing else to destroy forever? What will eternity feel like when a single moment of boredom feels like an eternity unto itself?
You wish you could consult the clouds for answers. But they never show you anything. The reckoning can't wipe this place out soon enough.
Presently, you are trapped in a single moment, which increasingly feels like an eternity. Your boredom is surpassed only by your all consuming rage and contempt for existence itself.
Hours ago, you entered an unfamiliar session. You killed a thousand robotic assailants. You destroyed twelve planets with ease, methodically and cyclically, like a single stained hand of a defective clock smearing each number it passes. You reduced Prospit and Derse to dust, and murdered a whole bunch of alien kids in yellow and purple pajamas. Your warpath of absolute devastation had only begun to be blazed; there were still miles and bloody miles to send forth. But when the dust of Derse settled, this infuriating fairy appeared out of thin air and froze you in time. But she can't keep you like this forever. And when she finally lets you go, you will be ready.
You are now the Maid of Time, recently resurrected from the crypt of Derse. Your name is Aradia Megido, and for the first time in your life, you feel truly alive.
You have just incapacitated Jack Noir with a spell. But a demon so powerful requires your full concentration to subdue. He will break free any moment. You may release him, and die now. Or you may continue to hold him, and die later.
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apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]
AA: s0llux! TA: hey what'2 up aa. AA: y0u will never guess what i just f0und TA: won't ii? AA: i d0ubt it TA: wa2 iit the matchiing ruiin2 2iite? AA: um AA: yes AA: h0w did y0u kn0w! TA: ii don't know, ju2t a weiird feeliing. TA: ii feel liike we had thii2 conver2atiion before and that'2 what iit wa2 about. AA: yeah AA: me t00 AA: what d0 y0u think it means? TA: probably nothiing. but now not only doe2 iit feel liike we had the conver2atiion before, but iit'2 goiing diifferently thii2 tiime. TA: 2o iit'2 extra weiird. maybe your voiice2 are iinvolved? AA: i d0nt kn0w maybe AA: maybe y0urs are t00? TA: ii don't hear a goddamn thiing. TA: do you? AA: wait AA: yes AA: shes very quiet th0ugh i cant tell what shes saying! TA: oh well. TA: why don't we pretend there ii2 no 2pooky paranormal phenomena goiing on ju2t once and talk about what you wanted two talk about. AA: g00d idea AA: 0k d0 y0u remember what we talked ab0ut regarding kanayas ruins? TA: 2orta. AA: i asked y0u f0r help in understanding the glyphs TA: ii gue22. AA: 0_0 AA: are y0u just being difficult 0r d0 y0u really n0t remember TA: ii gue22 ii don't fiind the whole my2tery of the ruiin2 a2 exciitiing a2 you, ok? AA: well 0bvi0usly! AA: but i really appreciate y0ur help anyway TA: 2ure. TA: how can ii help, then. AA: well y0u said that y0ud need an0ther set 0f glyphs t0 make sense 0f them AA: y0u speculated that there might be an0ther set 0f ruins AA: y0u even guessed they w0uld be blue! it turns 0ut y0u were right AA: d0nt y0u think that is pretty c00l? TA: oh yeah, ii am awe2ome about that for 2ure. TA: but, TA: ii can't 2hake the feeliing the2e ruiin2 are goiing two be nothiing but trouble for u2. AA: but y0u say that ab0ut everything! TA: that'2 becau2e iit'2 fuckiing true about everythiing! AA: n0 its n0t! AA: i did find s0me 0ther neat things d0wn here t00 which are strange but quite harmless and n0t f0reb0ding in the least! TA: liike what? AA: like this AMAZING hat! AA: it is an authentic arche0l0gists hat its s0 hard t0 find them in this style AA: there are n0 h0rn h0les but i l0ve it anyway its great TA: pretty 2weet aa. TA: hey diidn't you al2o fiind 2ome biit2 and piiece2 of your biizarre robot doppelganger. AA: i wasnt g0ing t0 tell y0u ab0ut that! AA: damn it h0w did y0u kn0w TA: ii don't know, ii ju2t "remembered" 2ome more 2hiit about thii2 dii2covery, god 2orry. AA: this is stupid TA: yeah, well, ii gue22 thii2 ii2 the kiind of 2hiit you have to deal wiith when two p2ychiic2 talk to each other about 2tuff. AA: maybe TA: why don't we piick thii2 up agaiin later when we're not feeliing 2o weiird? AA: well AA: 0k
apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] and apocalypseArisen [AA]
AA: ahem AA: sorry to interrupt i wanted to give you both the chance to remember but it doesnt look like this is going anywhere! TA: what the fuck? AA: w0w what
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AA: is it coming back yet TA: is WHAT c0ming back, wh0 ARE y0u? TA: wh0a h0ld 0n. TA: why am i talking like y0u suddenly? AA: this is a mem0ry AA: in a dream bubble AA: thats right! TA: 0h. TA: that d0esn't really answer my questi0n, but 0k. AA: y0u changed y0ur v0ice because y0u remembered AA: like i did TA: remembered what? AA: that i died AA: this is my mem0ry and als0 hers AA: but i went 0n t0 bec0me the r0b0t wh0se remains are in this crater AA: whereas she did n0t AA: i d0nt actually kn0w her st0ry 0r h0w she g0t here but f0r me this was the end 0f the r0ad AA: this is the afterlife TA: well, shit. TA: s0 then i guess i'm dead t00? AA: nope!
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AA: you are just asleep AA: you are also blind! TA: h0ly shit, i can't see! AA: yes thats what being blind means TA: w0w, awes0me! way t0 be awes0mely sympathetic t00 my terrible new pr0blem, aa. AA: sollux will you shut up and stop being so tragic for once AA: you knew this was going to happen! your prophecies of personal doom were practically all you ever talked about AA: i think you were looking forward to this honestly AA: shes right TA: i can't believe this, it's alm0st as if i'm getting... TA: D0UBLE TEAMED. TA: <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/trollc00l.gif" border="0" /> TA: damn. TA: that didn't feel right at all, i think i might have t0 retire the wh0le bifurcati0n gimmick, puns and all. TA: actually that is kind 0f a relief, maybe y0u're right, i'm feeling better ab0ut this already. AA: great! AA: you should be able to relax now that youve been released from the curse of your vision twofold just like you said youd be AA: you are now merely doomed! TA: 0h. TA: that's... awes0me? AA: being d00med isnt that bad AA: i spent m0st 0f my life that way remember AA: at least y0u have the luxury 0f understanding AA: and the best part ab0ut being d00med is y0u 0nly have t0 put up with it until y0u die AA: thats the spirit hahaha AA: actually i guess i dont have to keep talking like im doomed anymore do i AA: nope :) TA: this is s0 weird, what am i even listening t0 here. TA: 0_0 TA: FUCK, i cann0t BELIEVE i just made that face. AA: hahahahaha! AA: hahahahaha! TA: g0d dammit. TA: 0h yeah, als0... TA: why the fuck are my teeth missing? AA: i AA: dont know? TA: 0k, well, great, glad we g0t t0 the fucking b0tt0m 0f that mystery. TA: myssssssstery. mystery. mySSSSthSSSStery. mysterymysterymystery. TA: man, i can't even lisp anym0re if i try. TA: please d0n't laugh, i can tell y0u are b0th enj0ying this, i can smell it using my new blind guy n0se p0wers. AA: really? TA: n0 n0t literally, i was j0king. i mean n0t YET. maybe i'll ask tz ab0ut it when i wake up th0ugh. TA: hey what was that n0ise? AA: what noise? TA: i think s0me0ne else is here. AA: oh its jade! TA: jade?? wtf. AA: whos jade AA: shes one of the humans we met after you died AA: ok AA: i guess i am out of the loop on chronology for once AA: thats fine youll catch up! GG: ummmmmm hey guys i hope im not interrupting!!!
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TA: well, yeah, y0u kind 0f were, s0rt 0f a reuni0n 0f cl0se departed friends g0ing 0n here, but n0 big deal i guess. GG: oh no! GG: i can leave AA: no dont! AA: sollux try to be polite AA: there is no reason at all for you to feel hostile toward them anymore AA: jade is very nice and she did nothing wrong AA: none of them did so when you wake up maybe you should try to reconcile with them or at the very least just say hello TA: did Y0U? AA: did i what TA: be nice t0 them 0r whatever bef0re y0u expl0ded. AA: well no AA: but i should have! AA: i did with you before i left didnt i TA: i guess s0. GG: :o AA: this is awkward AA: shush you! AA: what actually happened after i died it sounds complicated AA: it is! AA: ill get you up to speed i promise but guys come on lets not scare away our guest AA: ok then ill shut up AA: i think one aradia saying things is more than enough probably TA: y0u can say that again heheheheheh. TA: but i mean, d0n't say it again literally, because that's kind 0f the wh0le p0int, and w0uld c0mpletely c0ntradi... AA: oh my god shut up! GG: its ok! i can take another nap later when you guys arent busy... AA: no jade its ok AA: please stay! im curious about why you are here GG: well... GG: i have just been enjoying these little naps more and more lately! GG: each time i go to sleep i meet more new people and learn so much GG: but i still cant get karkat to take a nap, boy talk about a guy who is anti nap! TA: ahahahah, yeah, what a d0uche! GG: seeeeeriously! GG: he is the douchiest of crabby crabs who ever douched a big douchey crab TA: l0l. GG: but yeah, its been fun, i should really thank feferi again for setting it up so we could meet like this! TA: wait, ff is here? GG: yup! TA: 0h g0d, why didn't that 0ccur t0 me, where is she?? GG: ummm probably in another bubble GG: but youll find her! maybe during your next nap... TA: well shit, why can't i just g0 glub ar0und 0ut there in the ring and find her n0w? TA: i mean, aside fr0m the fact that i'm blind and c0mpletely useless. AA: navigating between bubbles is difficult here AA: its better to drift between them naturally as they intersect AA: not spatially but through common points in memory AA: to navigate the furthest ring you need to have mastered the flow of time! AA: that is why i am here AA: i am alive again so i may assist the dead in this way TA: huh. AA: jade tell me AA: have you seen me here before? i mean me dressed like i am now wearing my godhood GG: yeah! GG: you were really nice and helpful TA: wait, what, y0u're wearing a g0dh00d? TA: why didn't y0u tell me that, what gives? 0r that y0u came back t0 life?? AA: im wearing a hood and have butterfly wings what else would you like to know TA: man, being blind is dumb, can i like gr0pe y0u 0r s0mething t0 get up t0 date 0n y0ur appearance, w0uld that be weird? AA: yes sollux that would probably be pretty weird GG: i think your outfit looks so cute! i love your wings too AA: thank you your outfit is quite spiffy too AA: i like that skirt a lot especially AA: is AA: is that a skirt? GG: i am not sure :o TA: /R0LLING MY EYES. TA: is what i w0uld be d0ing if that were p0ssible. AA: shhh! TA: aa c0me 0n y0u were making a p0int. AA: yes ok AA: you see those encounters you had with me before have not happened for me yet because ive only just arrived AA: time follows strange paths here as does space AA: if you travel a great enough distance you may discover you are also traveling either backwards or forwards in time as well! AA: just as if you stay in one place for too long the geometry of space surrounding you will become unreliable AA: you may swat the air to your left and discover you have just slapped yourself! AA: the only way to make sense of it is to understand either property very well AA: and since i am new here i have some learning to do just like everyone else AA: but i do know one thing GG: what! AA: i knew that the first bubble i would enter would be an important one for us to visit TA: what's s0 imp0rtant ab0ut it? AA: hang on AA: we are moving on to a new memory hold that thought
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AA: it is important because it will help us begin to understand why we are all here TA: what d0 y0u mean why we are all here? TA: y0u mean in the afterlife? that's easy. TA: because she's asleep, she's dead, y0u're alive, and i'm blind, c0uldn't be simpler. AA: no no AA: not why we are in this bubble now AA: but why we all exist in the first place and why we all went on this adventure together TA: 0h, that. AA: there is much to understand and i believe it all begins with one sequence of events AA: watching will help those whove passed to understand the purpose of their sacrifice and those still living to understand what must be done to complete the journey still ahead AA: we will let the memories lead the way AA: are you guys ready?
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GG: i am ready! AA: ok lets allow the next memory to take shape AA: i believe it is kanayas AA: i will reprise my role in a conversation i had with her shortly after i discovered the ruins AA: everybody hide and try not to spoil it for her until she remembers!
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AA: hey kanaya AA: there is s0mething i want t0 give y0u GA: Oh Really AA: yes its s0mething very 0dd i f0und when i disc0vered the ruins the 0ther night AA: i d0nt kn0w what its arche0l0gical significance is yet but i suspect y0u will be able t0 repair it! GA: This Is A Dream Isnt It AA: 0_0 AA: w0w! AA: uh i mean AA: o_o AA: wow AA: you figured that out very fast! GA: It Seemed Obvious GA: Either Im Sleeping Or Im Dead Which Is It AA: oh i am sure you are alive AA: you are unconscious now and will likely wake up as your new self very soon GA: My New Self AA: yes AA: you are undergoing a metamorphosis which you have been groomed for since you were very young AA: much like i was for my various personal iterations including this one GA: You Mean GA: Being A Ghost And Then A Frog And Then A Robot And Then A Fairy AA: yes! AA: but it sure sounds silly when you list them all like that GA: Kind Of GA: What Do You Mean We Have Been Groomed AA: wellllll AA: that is what we are about to find out! AA: if you will oblige us by continuing with this memory GA: Okay GA: What Do I Do AA: why dont we go through this conversation again to the best of our recollection AA: but i guess rather than acting it out we can just talk about it AA: the old fashioned way GA: Was What We Were Attempting Before Not Old Fashioned AA: i have no idea GA: It Seems To Me The Nature Of The Afterlife Is Probably Very Old Fashioned GA: Maybe Even The Most Old Fashioned A Thing Can Get AA: haha yeah you know what i mean though GA: Yes Then GA: This Was When You Were About To Give Me That Unusual Gift From The Ruins AA: yes AA: i then had sollux deliver the pieces to you so you could stitch it back up AA: sollux that is your cue! AA: come out and play the part TA: s0 we d0n't have t0 hide anym0re? AA: no of course not! AA: obviously the jig is up everyone can come out now GG: yay!
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TA: s0 like, TA: 0k s0 i'm supp0sed t0 act 0ut what i did bef0re, when i br0ught her these shitty d0ll parts, is that's what's g0ing 0n here? GA: Yeah Im Still Not Sure Aradia Are We Supposed To Be Role Playing AA: no guys come on this isnt that complicated! AA: we are just revisiting the past just like we would if we were talking about it AA: but it just so happens we can watch it happen as we talk about it AA: and as a matter of fact AA: this story does involve a role playing game but not in that way! TA: thith ith kinb 0f thtupib. AA: youre stupid and you sound stupid! TA: h0py thith, i b0 th0unb thtupib. TA: why the fuckth ith by b0uth fthull 0f all thethe theeth subbenly? AA: i dont know o_o AA: but you maaay be waking up soon TA: 0h, 0k, greath, th0 i will mithth the retht 0f the c00l tht0ry, 0k. AA: maybe not if we hurry this along! GG: wait! before we do... GG: hi kanaya! it is nice to meet you GA: Hi Jade GA: Uh GA: What Is That Thing Youre Wearing GG: you dont like it??? GA: No I Didnt Mean To Sound Disapproving GA: But I Do Think More Colorful Apparel Suits You Better GG: yes i know you told me! GA: I Did GG: yes but you probably havent yet GG: not from your perspective..... i could not help but overhear you are asleep now GG: you told me all about what happened after you woke up! GA: About What GG: about how you turned into a vampire GA: Whats A Vampire TA: thith ith ribicul0uth. AA: thollux is right AA: i mean sollux AA: kanaya tell us what happened next!
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GA: There Isnt Much To Say GA: I Repaired The Doll And Made Him A Nice Outfit GA: With A Far More Becoming Palette And Fit Than The Absurd Tatters He Was Found In GA: I Thought At Least AA: yes GA: Uh GA: Should There Be Anything Else To This Story AA: not really! GG: isnt that daves puppet? AA: yes GG: :\ TA: aw sthith, i guethth i'm 0utha here. AA: bye sollux TA: thee y0u lather eberyb0by. GG: bye! GA: Anyway That Is All I Can Remember GA: I Quickly Began To Find The Doll Unnerving So I Put Him Away GA: To My Knowledge He Has Remained Secure In My Block Ever Since GA: Is He Relevant In Some Way GG: guys why do you have daves puppet? GG: what is going on here! GA: Yes Aradia It Seems You Have Some Foreknowledge Of This Narrative Maybe You Can Tell Us Why Any Of This Is Important AA: this is only a piece of the story AA: the other pieces will fall into place with successive memories and it will all become clear AA: but yes alright i will eliminate some suspense and try to serve as a better guide on this tour through the catacombs of our collective subconscious AA: the separate tunnels we once traveled in the dark as individuals we now retrace together with a torch AA: on the walls we illuminate the runes which describe a convoluted origin story AA: an origin we participated in AA: we were spurred to these actions by that which was being originated AA: and incited to acts of revenge as we were turned against each other
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AT: i DON'T REMEMBER THIS, AT: i MEAN, AT: i REMEMBER GETTING JUMPED OFF THE CLIFF BY MY LEGS, AT: bUT NOT THE THING i'M DOING NOW, AA: no AA: our manipulator disguised his tracks well AT: dO i, AT: hAVE TO LIE ON THE FLOOR LIKE THIS, AT: iS THAT IMPORTANT, AA: no tavros you can get up AT: aLSO, AT: cAN WE, oR AT LEAST i, bE NOT IN THIS MEMORY, AT: bECAUSE, AT: iT'S ONE THAT'S NOT AS GREAT AS MOST, AA: we will leave it soon AA: but you were doing something very important here AT: wHAT WAS i DOING, AA: writing a part of the code
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AA: an incomplete fragment consisting of four symbols AA: comprising the first word of a binary refrain AA: a pair of sounds emerging from the belly of a fabled tyrants menace AA: but you authored only one sound of the pair
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AA: in the soot of my ruined hive i scrawled my part of the code AA: completing the phrase of legend AA: the persisting sounds said to accompany the ultimate demise of the tyrant less an arm and an eye AA: but even these eight characters AA: the scrawlings of charge AA: were still but half the code
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AA: each fragment would be transcribed in our rulebooks AA: sealing the collaboration between rust bloods and blue bloods AA: completing the code for our sessions architect AA: not exactly
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AA: i believed the fragment was gibberish from a lunatic AA: after completing his rampage through our session AA: since it was not part of the scripted chronology i was oblivious until it was too late to stop it AA: not that it would matter if i did the timeline had already gone astray AA: i pieced together what had happened by sleuthing the various scenes
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AA: and discovered the text which the code was recorded in AA: i decided to return to the alpha timeline with the text AA: as evidence for his madness i guess AA: in the alpha timeline this text was destroyed AA: in an explosion caused by a computer virus AA: this explosion did not take place on my timeline AA: i identified this event as the difference prompting the offshoot AA: and returned to our planet via the reckoning just as i did at the end of my life AA: though that time deliberately AA: to influence events quietly to make sure it happened AA: and later joined the rest of our doomed selves to help defeat the king AA: the others surely had similar responsibilities along the way
You once again try to be Doc Scratch, and fail spectacularly. You can't be him no matter how hard you try. It is impossible.
[In fact, I think it would be for the best if I commandeered the narrative completely for a while. I trust you won't mind if I speak in white. It's not actually negotiable, but as a courtesy I will enclose my words between a pair of visually audible brackets.
[I am also doing it because I am expecting a guest to arrive shortly. This should enable me to show the man the sort of hospitality he deserves, while doing the same for you.
My apartment doesn't have a doorbell. Why would an omniscient fellow need to be alerted to the presence of a visitor? I know he will be right on time. Which is to say, early. And if I did have a doorbell, you would have just witnessed it ring.
[My door is not fitted with a peephole either. Those without eyes or without limits to their knowledge have no need for peeping, and I am without either. I have never once peeped at or through something, and I doubt I ever will.
Apertures built into physical surfaces to reveal what's hidden behind them are for those with particular handicaps. They are for those lacking advanced vision to render the opaque permeable to light, or those lacking advanced knowledge to render the concealed information irrelevant, or both. They are for people who I call suckers.
I know the identity of anyone who stands behind this door, even in those cases where I have not extended an invitation to the visitor personally. Pardon me while I let Jack inside.]
[Did you not believe it would be Jack? Who else would it be? Someone who would have suspected anyone else is a person I would also describe as a sucker.
Which would you prefer I call you? It's one of the strange points of uncertainty which surrounds you. Maybe it is that you don't particularly care. Your flair is for the plain and serviceable, isn't it? Not much of your vanity is tied up in a name, I'd guess.
Not going to tell me? Fine, I won't tell you my name either.
Well, I might. If you would just show some manners and stop hitting me with that ridiculous horse hitcher. I won't crack no matter how senseless the drubbing. If only it were that simple.
You're not going to stop, are you. It will be very difficult to discuss our points of mutual interest like this. I was prepared to go about it in a civilized way, even though I knew very well I would spend the first several minutes of our meeting sitting on the floor while being flogged. I have even prepared a bowl of candy for you, which I know you will enjoy. Courtesy is important, Jack.
Do you have anything at all to say? Any form of communication you care to attempt beyond the sound iron makes against my head repeatedly?
[What's that? I see. You think you already know my name. You do not know my real name, Jack, just as none of your adversaries on this planet know yours. You only know my nickname.
It's a good nickname too. Befitting of the passive gunslinger charged with initiating the break. I am my master's weapon. His soldier in a war of one bullet fired. But when that bullet clears the barrel, it won't be my finger on the trigger. I'm a facilitator, not an assassin.]
Jack, why don't you go help yourself to some candy over there on the table? There is something I need to take care of before we continue. I won't be long.]
[When I am finished with this minor interruption, we will resume our gentlemanly negotiation. I will proceed to beat you severely until you agree to do what I ask. I trust you won't take it personally.]
You cannot be a teenage girl from another universe, because you are too busy being a teenage girl from this universe. You are busy being Rose Lalonde. Completely preoccupied with it, in fact.
So preoccupied, you have been neglecting messages from some of your friends who are trying to contact you. But you have a lot of important stuff to do. You will get back to them later.
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TT: It's quite warm here on Lohac. TT: I think I've been patient enough. TT: When will I receive further instruction? Now. TT: So, TT: I could have contacted you at any time? No. Only now. TT: I came away with the impression from our last conversation that our next would take place on your invitation. TT: I was being polite by waiting. Your inevitable impatience caused you to contact me again. Inevitability is my invitation. TT: That's pretty smug. I am right to be smug. I am omniscient, extremely powerful, and very charming. TT: Well, TT: Two out of three isn't bad. TT: Can you use your limitless intelligence to figure out which ones I mean? That was clever. If I plead ignorance to the fact that you are denying my charisma, it invalidates my claim of omniscience. But if I must adhere to my all knowing status, it forces me to validate the unfortunate reality that you are feigning the opinion that my demeamor is unpalatable. Not that it matters, because I have all three qualities and you know it. TT: This is stupid. TT: Could we get to the point? Yes, I was about to say. We should hurry this along. My visitor is beginning to set things on fire. TT: You have a visitor? TT: Who? Some guy. I was joking anyway. I am not in a hurry at all. TT: You tell jokes? Yes. Haa haa. TT: So, your visitor isn't setting anything on fire then? Oh, he most definitely is. Hee hee. TT: I'm really not getting this joke. I was joking about being in a hurry. From my perspective, this conversation is taking place in less than one second. I type very quickly. Hoo hoo. TT: I thought you didn't lie. TT: Aren't jokes essentially humorous lies? TT: At least, those like the one you just attempted. Jokes are only temporary lies. If the falsehood is never exposed, there is no punchline. If the punchline is never delivered, the lie is sealed forever, regardless of initial humorous intent. Lies are not funny. TT: I think if you're going to risk tarnishing your record of honesty, you should probably get better material. My joke was objectively funny. Who would know better than I? TT: Ok. TT: So you're saying an inaccurate statement doesn't count as a lie, as long as you say "just kidding" later? Basically. TT: What if it's much later? Is it still "just a joke?" No, that would be something closer to a prank. I don't play pranks very often. TT: Are you allowed to lie about playing pranks? If I asked you if you were playing a prank on me, would you tell the truth? I am allowed to do whatever I want. I choose never to lie. I also choose to tell jokes now and then, and to play pranks quite sparingly. But I can say that I have never played a prank on you, and no statement I have made to you thus far, or will make in this conversation, will contain any trace of falsehood for the sake of setting up a joke or a prank, with the exception of the joke I just made, and another one I will make very soon. TT: I'm starting to change my mind. Oh? TT: Yes. I think your joke was funny in retrospect. Actually, your whole shtick is pretty good. I'm warming up to it. Yes. I knew it. TT: Just to be clear, TT: Was the assurance you just made a prank or a joke? It was neither. It was the truth. TT: Was that? Yes. TT: The truth? Yes. TT: Ok. TT: Were you serious about wanting to die? Yes. TT: Why? I'll tell you later. TT: Why? Because you asked. TT: But why not now? Because that piece of information would not fit elegantly into the sequence of our exchange at this moment. TT: Then you know how this entire conversation will go? Yes. TT: Is that true of all conversations you have? Yes. Until, briefly, I don't. But the dark spots never last long. The truth disguises itself to me sometimes which can be mildly frustrating, but it usually reveals itself quickly, much as if a punchline was delivered. It's a humorous dialogue I have with reality, and it is very amusing. TT: Then why do you bother with the conversations? Obligation to predestination, as usual? There is no obligation. It's a pleasure. TT: It is? I've always had a soft spot for young ladies. TT: Hmm. TT: That's a little creepy. No it's not. TT: Yes it is. No it's not. TT: It kind of is. I have looked into the future and determined that we would continue in this manner pointlessly for some time, so I am putting an end to it here. TT: That doesn't make sense. TT: Was that the other joke? Yes. TT: Heh. Good one. Thank you. TT: How young are the ladies you typically take a shining to? TT: And does this mean you are attracted to me? TT: Suddenly this conversation is kind of terrible. Of course I am not. Not in the way you mean. And anyway, you are applying standards of conduct frowned upon for your kind which make no sense to apply to me. I am an immortal entity with a large cue ball for a head, and no biological means of reproduction. TT: ... TT: Really. Also, if you were millions of years old, you would find that nearly every lady you encounter is quite young, relatively speaking. There should be no reason for you to feel uncomfortable with this interaction. Try to think of me as one of your kindly human uncle figures. In fact, if I were in your presence now, I would offer you candy to prove it. TT: Oh my god. What? TT: Can we talk about the scratch instead of this? Yes.
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You are situated near the game construct supplied by your session for causing the Scratch, yes? TT: Are you actually asking? No. That was a fact, and then a question mark. TT: Ah. TT: Well, yes, I am. TT: It's a large plateau shaped like a record. It's called the Beat Mesa. I know. TT: Is the game construct different in other sessions? Yes. It will always be an edifice of similarly cryptic design, located on the planet that is home to the Hero of Time. Its environment dictates the nature of its construction. Its power is dangerous, and is meant to be utilized only in emergencies such as yours. TT: You mean, in sessions where victory is no longer possible? Yes. TT: Due to creating an unstoppable adversary? Who triggers the reckoning prematurely? TT: Is that sort of emergency common? No. Failure is common. But the composition of yours is quite atypical. TT: Ok. TT: Then, it's like a panic button for the players to push once they realize the cause is lost. Yes, but causing the Scratch is not an easy task either. The construct must be destroyed in a very specific way to release its energy. The keeper of my ectobiological father began the process. It must be finished. TT: Who? The guardian of the Knight of Time. TT: Dave's bro? Yes. TT: How do I finish it? You don't. Not you personally. Another will. You have something more important to attend to, remember? TT: Oh, right. TT: The Green... TT: Wait. TT: The <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/greensun.gif" border="0" />. Yes. TT: I'd planned to take care of that later, once John had retrieved the Tumor. Tumor. TT: Whatever. Your plan will have to change. You aren't ready to cause the Scratch yet. Like I said, it's difficult. TT: What will the one who does it have to do? I should let them know. He will have to scratch the surface of the plateau across its full diameter. TT: I see. TT: This terminology can be very literal sometimes. You will require a certain needle to create a breach in the surface that will be adequate. TT: I have needles. Your needles won't suffice. TT: Then where do I get ones that will? Again, you won't. This task is out of your hands. The needles must be acquired from the denizen of the Witch of Space. Her quills are very large and potent. They will be able to cause the Scratch. TT: This really seems more elaborate than you lead me to believe. I didn't lead you to believe anything. I told you to find the construct and await advisement on the Scratch. The plans you were making were based on assumptions and fabrications of your imagination. You were writing more stories, much like those about your false magical men. TT: I wish what I'd written in my private journals could be confined to your dark spots. I don't. I find your stories entertaining. TT: You're being creepy again. No I'm not. Besides, the White King agrees with me. TT: What? For a Seer, your vision of events surrounding you is rather limited. It's charming. TT: Just, TT: Please stop complimenting me. No.
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TT: Fine. TT: Then please at least try to sound more sarcastic when you do it. Oh sure, I am really going to do that. Yes, very likely. TT: ... TT: Then the Scratch will be implemented later, by either John or Dave I presume? TT: You used a male pronoun. Yes. TT: I guess it makes sense that it would happen later. My understanding is that Jack will not be banished from this session until near the end of the reckoning. Yes, Jack will exit your session later, but this has nothing to do with the Scratch. Not directly, as you imply. TT: I don't understand. TT: I thought that was the point of the Scratch, to open a rift in spacetime as it were, and banish him into the trolls' session. No. That is not the purpose of the Scratch at all. The Scratch does not open a rift in spacetime. TT: Hmm. TT: Then why have you directed me to cause it? TT: Does it have something to do with enabling you to die? No. Not directly. The Scratch has nothing more to do with my death than any other single event ultimately contributing to my demise. TT: I think it's disingenuous for you to behave as if I have not been misled. TT: You say you don't lie, but what about lies of omission? Lies of omission do not exist. The concept is a very human one. It is the product of your story writing again. You have written a story about the truth, making emotional demands of it, and in particular, of those in possession of it. Your demands are based on a feeling of entitlement to the facts, which is very childish. You can never know all of the facts. Only I can. And since it's impossible for me to reveal all facts to you, it is my discretion alone that decides which facts will be revealed in the finite time we have. If I do not volunteer information you deem critical to your fate, it possibly means that I am a scoundrel, but it does not mean that I am a liar. And it certainly means you did not ask the right questions. One can make either true statements or false statements about reality. All of the statements I make are true. TT: Unless you're joking. Yes. TT: Haa haa, hee hee, hoo hoo? Exactly. TT: Then I guess I'll start asking better questions. Good. I will make a Seer of you yet. TT: Will you? Yes. You can start by shoring up the reliability of your sources. You proceeded to question me believing you understood the purpose of the Scratch. You received your information about it from trolls. I assure you that in most ways, the trolls are as confused about everything as you are. TT: Ok. Noted. TT: What exactly does the Scratch do, then? It resets the game. TT: Oh. TT: That's it? Yes. TT: Then, TT: We all start from the beginning again? When John entered? No. The release of temporal energy will be quite massive. This is a hard reset. It will reboot the conditions in your universe well before you began playing the game. You will have lived different lives after the reset. The different initial conditions will ideally lead to a more favorable scenario in the new session. Unfortunately, you will have no memory of anything that has happened in the session you are in now. TT: What will happen to us? Everyone in this session now? You will all cease to exist completely if you remain here during the Scratch. TT: This seems familiar. TT: It reminds me of when Dave and I were trapped in the doomed timeline, and he left to change the past. TT: The timeline ceased to exist, along with my dream self, who in a way became merged with my dream self of this timeline. I kept some of her memories. TT: Is the situation similar? Similar, but more severe. Since this timeline will undergo such a violent upheaval, such a merger of memory cannot happen. You will be resigned to absolute oblivion. Unless you can discover a way to preserve yourselves. But it's not really my place to advise you on that. After you have dealt with the Scratch and the sun, what happens to you is not any of my business.
|PESTERLOG|
TT: Then can you at least tell me if we will be successful in preserving ourselves after the reset? I don't particularly enjoy spoiling things for people when unnecessary. I find speaking in a discreet color helps avoid this. TT: So if the Scratch isn't specifically meant to banish Jack from the session, TT: And our quest to destroy the sun is meant to kill him, TT: Why is the reset necessary at all, especially if it means oblivion for us? Because you cannot achieve the ultimate reward in this session. Your battlefield is cancerous, and the reckoning will destroy it prematurely regardless. By resetting, you will create a session which can bear the fruit of a new universe, even if you will not be the ones to claim the reward. Don't you want to fulfill your purpose? TT: I guess. TT: But it's a little disheartening to learn I'm now faced with not one, but two suicide missions at once. TT: One to destroy Jack's power source and defend all of existence, and another to ensure our cosmic progeny at the price of oblivion. That frames the dual objectives accurately. But if you are inventive, you may find a way to survive the reset and participate in the renewed session. It's up to you. Just as it's up to you to face the decision to claim immortality before you enter your creation. TT: Immortality? Yes. TT: Do you mean ascending to the god tier? Yes. TT: I have reason to believe that I won't. TT: The trolls have not indicated I will die on my Quest Bed, or that any of us will aside from John. Instead I've been given a more troubling and ambiguous forecast. What have I said about confirming the reliability of your sources? TT: Are you saying I will? No. TT: Oh. TT: Well, will I? It seems you'd like me to do some more fortune telling. TT: Fine. TT: Maybe this question will suit you better. TT: Is it probable? That's a strange question to ask someone who is omniscient and therefore knows outcomes with one hundred percent certainty. I like it. TT: Then what's your answer? You have exactly a fifty percent chance of ascending to the god tier. TT: That's a strange answer. I know. TT: Why such a precise probability? Because, much like the decisions you must face to complete your dual suicide missions, you have two ways of achieving godhood to choose from. TT: Two ways? TT: By dying on the Quest Bed on my planet, and some other way? Yes. TT: Is there another Quest Bed somewhere? Yes. Good guess, Seer. TT: Where? What difference does it make? You already know where the first one is. You have the choice to go there right now and take your own life. TT: That's true. Of course it is. TT: You mentioned immortality. TT: Godhood makes one immortal? Yes. TT: A god tier will live forever, with no caveats? No. One will live forever, unless killed. The death must be either heroic or just. TT: How are those terms defined? Broadly, mysteriously, and according to the case of the individual. One may be killed by opposing a corrupt adversary and die for a just cause, as through martyrdom, for instance. This would be heroic. Or one may be subject to corruption, and slain by a hero. This would be just. TT: Which sort of death will you have when I destroy the sun? Neither. I'm not a god. I'm a guardian, a servant, and a weapon. I have power and knowledge far surpassing a god. But I am not one. TT: Is this when you are going to tell me why you want to die? Yes. TT: I sense it's not just because you're getting bored with immortality. That's good. Your vision is becoming clearer. TT: Then why? My master can't enter this universe until I am killed. Such is the nature of the break. TT: That almost sounds like martyrdom. Are you sure it won't be a hero's death? Quite sure. My master is a very evil man. TT: Who is he? I won't tell you his name. But he goes by the title, L<.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/o.gif" border="0" />rd English.
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TT: This doesn't sound like an especially admirable objective. Releasing an evil man, who is presumably more powerful than you, an already omnipotent being. TT: Am I right? You are right about both. It is not admirable, and he is considerably more powerful. But you must decide which objective is more important. You may decide to attempt to destroy the sun and end my life. This will neutralize Jack, who is also much more powerful and dangerous than myself by virtue of the ring he wears in addition to drawing energy from the same sun as I. He poses a significant threat to reality. TT: But in the process of killing him and you, I release your master, who is just as deadly? He's more deadly. But the danger he poses is sanctioned by paradox space. It is a known quantity. His very existence in a universe will mean it will inevitably be torn apart. But there are rules to his entry, and his grim procession through paradox space is rather orderly. The present equilibrium has accounted for him, and will continue to. Jack however is a loose cannon. He will not stop until he destroys everything he encounters. Additionally, his existence is your responsibility. TT: Then I guess I don't have a choice. You do. But also know this. Refusing to venture out to destroy the sun in no way spares anyone from my master regardless. It is certainly true that destroying it will end my life. And it is certainly true that The Tumor you will deliver to its location has enough power to destroy it completely. But it is not the only way to kill me. It is simply a way I have suggested to you, which doubles as a way to disarm Jack, should you choose to go through with it. Instances of myself have spawned in countless universes, and my objective is always the same. I have never once failed to complete this objective, and I never will. There is nothing noble about taking a course of action you believe would prevent his arrival, because that is impossible. He will come. In fact, he is already here. TT: Are you saying that I will succeed in the mission to destroy the sun? Are you asking for another palm reading? TT: ... You seem rather keen on acquiring a fortune from me considering you are the one with the crystal ball. TT: I'm just trying to ask as many questions as I can. It's the only way to find the dark spots in your obstinacy. I've been very helpful. And I will continue to be. I myself do not care to be an oracle. But I can graciously supply you with one. TT: Can you? An eager consort has brought you one of my seeds. It appears you have amassed followers who wish to please you. How fortuitous. TT: Your seeds? The white orb. TT: Oh. The cue ball. How did I not notice this? It will accurately answer any question a curious girl can pose. Provided she can see through the surface to read its reply. TT: Hmm. TT: Is that possible? Is it, Seer? Given your title and all the tools of prognostication at your disposal, it seems to me I should be the one asking you the questions.
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TT: How can I see through it? It seems you weren't listening, so I will state this again in the form of a question. Don't you think I should be asking the questions from now on? TT: Yes, if you wanted to be disingenuous and irritating. Don't you think a clever person should be able to acquire information from someone who only asks questions? TT: Then it's a challenge! TT: I pass. Do you have a choice? What if I'm feeling a bit stubborn? TT: Ok, so what you mean is I should continue humoring your leading questions until you happen to ask certain rhetorical questions that contain information I need. Was that a question? TT: That was a fact, and then a period. How does a Seer see? TT: ... TT: With a crystal ball? TT: I already considered that. I don't think I can get the focus of the ball to "zoom in" tight enough on the cue ball's enclosure to read the answers. How else does she see? TT: By other magical means, I guess. TT: Should I use magic? Do you believe in magic? TT: Magic is real. TT: I've been using it. Are you sure? TT: Use whatever word you want to describe it. I have magic wands, they are very powerful, and they allow me to be magic. Your questions are silly. What makes you convinced the wands are responsible for your abilities? TT: Because I did not have the abilities before I made them. Could this be circumstantial? TT: Could it? Is there an echo? TT: Is there an echo? Hee hee? TT: I don't know what you're getting at. TT: How about another leading question? What did you combine to make those wands? TT: Some stuff. Knitting needles? An inexpensive figurine of some fictional fellow with long whiskers? A simple textbook on the zoologically dubious? Why would this mundane combination of objects grant a child such an alarming mastery over dark forces all at once? TT: I'm guessing this is one of the rhetorical questions meant to be informative. TT: So then, my answer should affirm how ridiculous that sounds, shouldn't it? Maybe? TT: That wasn't even a question. Yes it was? TT: Ok. Magic is fake, the wands are useless toys, and there is something else going on. Next question??? Would it be so difficult to believe the power you've found to devastate your planet and create shortcuts through your session is not entirely by your own device? Would it be so difficult to believe a young lady could be unwittingly apprenticed by more powerful entities who meant her potential to be realized later through some arbitrary trigger? What would you say if I said a dutiful girl raised in the daylight was protected by a bulb-headed guardian, and learned to glow in the dark after death? What would you say if I said a vengeful boy on a path of nihilism was taken under the wings of fearsome angels, and learned to destroy hope with their light? What would you say if I said a reserved girl enamored by what dwelt in shadow was selected by the horrorterrors for service, and did their bidding at every step while convinced of her own autonomy? TT: What would I say to those short fables? TT: Not much, except I gather the third is a story about me, and that there's a lesson you'd like me to take from it. TT: That I should renounce my "allegiance" before my grimdark corruption is absolute. TT: And while I'm at it, I should discard these useless wands, because apparently the power was in my little black heart all along. Is that right? Won't you have to give up your specibus to the one who causes the Scratch regardless? How else will the young man wield that great big needle? TT: I don't know! If you say so. Haven't your friends already shown concern for your recklessness and your increasing sense of detachment from the party, the team objectives, and not to mention those of your personal quest? Does this worry you? Is there a part of you left that's able to worry? TT: Yes. It has been mysteriously localized to my middle finger. Could the dark magics be at work AGAIN?! Do you deny that you have been neglecting incoming messages from your teammates? Would that be in keeping with the spirit of the human emotion of friendship for one whose soul was not so befouled by the designs of unknowable monstrosities? TT: Friendship isn't an emotion, numbnuts. Isn't it, Rose? Isn't it? TT: I've been busy. I'll get back to them. TT: And can we please stop doing the patronizing question thing? TT: In exchange I promise I will discontinue my patronizing responses. Can the omniscient be patronized? TT: The omniscipotent can do whatever they please. I guess I'm just asking you nicely to do me this favor. Very well. I will stop smothering you with surprise noodles. TT: Huh? But only because I find you to be adorable. TT: So creepy. So cute. TT: Yuck. I am going to ask the same question I asked earlier. Please do not regard it as a violation of my pledge. It is just an ordinary question, like those that crop up in an ordinary conversation. TT: Ok. How does a Seer see? TT: I don't know. Be literal. TT: With her eyes? Take the orb. Ask it a question. TT: I don't know what to ask anymore. TT: I'm confused. What would you ask me? TT: I would ask what should I do next. Then ask. TT: What should I do next? Not me. The ball, dunkass.
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TT: Sorry for the delayed response. TT: Answering seems to be what to do right now. GG: rose jeez!!! GG: finally GG: you sure seem to be absorbed in whatever youre doing on that computer... GG: were you talking to someone? TT: Oh, right. I forgot I gave you the code for the crystal ball. TT: And here I was thinking I could safely delay responding to messages without seeming like an ass, the way it usually works. TT: Oops. GG: oh no no i dont blame you for not responding! GG: you must be very upset GG: are you ok? TT: Why would I be upset? GG: um GG: because GG: uhhh i figured you would have found out by now but i guess you still dont know? TT: Know what? GG: about... GG: johns dad GG: and....... GG: your mom :( GG: rose? GG: hello??? GG: oh noo :'(
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GG: rose please say something GG: you are making me nervous... TT: I should have gone looking for her. TT: Why didn't I? GG: umm GG: because you were busy trying to make the best of this situation? TT: John was too. But he went to look for his father. TT: It would have been normal of me. I can't remember what I was trying to prove anymore. GG: i dont think you should be so hard on yourself about it GG: john was being john, and you were being you, which i guess meant taking our problems very seriously and putting all your attention on solving them! GG: and anyway, you and your mom had a much trickier relationship than john and his dad didnt you? GG: i mean, not that i am saying that means you were any less attached to her than him... GG: argh, i dont know if im very good at consoling people. sorry rose i dont want to make you feel worse :( TT: You're doing fine. TT: For someone raised by a dog. TT: Or really, TT: Anyone. TT: Thanks. GG: whew, ok GG: you know... GG: now we have all lost guardians GG: dave lost his, and i lost mine in a weird way... uuum even though that was pretty much definitely my fault :\ GG: and even the trolls all lost their monster guardians GG: i think that maybe it is an inevitable part of a game that can be cruel sometimes TT: For some reason, despite all the danger, I never thought she was in any trouble. TT: I never believed she would actually die. TT: I grew up with the feeling that something more significant had always been meant for her. TT: That she was a heroine displaced in some way, resigned to the inglorious duty of raising me, and preparing me in her way. TT: I didn't actually need the ectobiological verification that she was like a mother and a sister at the same time. I always understood that somehow. TT: And I felt she had knowledge and ability beyond what she let on. It was always intimidating, but nonetheless a source of respect which was childishly begrudging on my part. TT: I think she was just waiting for me to catch up with her. TT: But now I can't. GG: ...... GG: i am so sad GG: rose i think you are being stronger about it than i am TT: Probably because my emotions have now ceded to anger. TT: This shouldn't have happened. GG: oh GG: well GG: i just hope you arent thinking of doing something rash TT: I already was. TT: I was going to go to sleep, fly to a sun bigger than our universe, drop a bomb in it, and kill myself. GG: yeaaah... TT: So if my course of action is to change on account of my mood, it can only become less impetuous, don't you think? GG: errrr, i dont know? TT: You never liked my plan very much anyway. GG: wellllll GG: no! GG: but i was trusting that you had thought it through and it was our best hope TT: I'm not sure if I did. TT: Maybe it was a terrible plan. TT: I made it without a full understanding of the nature of the Scratch. GG: hm GG: then what will you do? TT: I could stop being so cowardly, for once. TT: I could short circuit this endlessly expanding game of chess we're playing, just like Jack decided to do. GG: what does that mean! TT: Maybe I will go kill Jack myself. TT: Right now. GG: oh no no no no no! GG: rose that is a much much worse plan!!!!! GG: he would probably kill you! TT: Probably. TT: But the Scratch will wipe us out anyway, and reboot the conditions of our session. TT: I suddenly don't feel much like sneaking through the back door of the Furthest Ring for retribution by distant super nova. GG: i know what you mean, i was angry at jack and wanted to stop him too, but we have to think of a more sensible way to do it TT: Whether my existing plan was sensible or not, TT: I may have been allowing myself to be manipulated by an omniscient being regardless. GG: what? who? Hello ladies. GG: aaaaaaa whaaaaat????? TT: This is a private conversation. TT: Private even to those who know it word for word already. Proceed. I will be here. Watching. GG: rose who is this! TT: Ignore him. GG: i dont even know whats going on anymore You were discussing Ms. Lalonde's intrepid new variation on suicide. As one with a passion for the subject, I'm intrigued. TT: Shh. TT: Anyway, if it's true the gods have "selected" me for service, maybe the power they've given me will be sufficient. TT: Maybe they wanted me to kill him all along. Hee hee. GG: SHHHHHHHHHH! GG: please dont rose, i know you are angry but you arent thinking straight TT: But I am. TT: I'm fully aware I'll probably die and fail. Scratch happens, we start fresh. No recollection, no problem. GG: nooo :( Jade, as an ambassador of Skaia, maybe you'd be willing to talk some sense into your friend? You should understand she's been corrupted by various entities with some rather questionable motives. GG: rose, maybe white text guy is right? GG: the dark gods gave you all these powers, and seem to be helping us with dream bubbles and stuff... GG: but what if they are not actually good? TT: They are enormous, ugly, and live in darkness. TT: That doesn't necessarily make them bad. GG: no... GG: but i still dont trust them! If only there were a way to make this determination with certainty. Through a reliable source within reach, for instance, at this exact moment. Perhaps one that is spherical, and devastatingly handsome. GG: whats this weirdo talking about! TT: The cue ball. GG: oh yeah GG: i noticed you found it! GG: i was worried it had been destroyed when my room blew up GG: is he saying you can use it? TT: Yes. And he is right. GG: omg GG: does it work??? TT: It advised me to talk to you just now. TT: So I guess so. GG: then maybe you should try it! Yes, Rose. Listen to Jade. She is far less manipulative than I. TT: What are you suggesting I ask it? GG: well GG: since we dont know much about the gods... GG: why dont you ask it about them? TT: So, you're saying I should ask it if the gods are evil? GG: i guess that is a way to put it Even though at this point neither of you is highlighting my text to read it, this idea gets my vote. Go ahead. Ask, Seer.
You slip into the fabled blackdeath trance of the woegothics, quaking all the while in the bloodeldritch throes of the broodfester tongues. You advise the members of your Complacency not to be alarmed, as they chronicle the event in tomes bound in the tanned, writhing flesh of a tortured hellscholar, with runes stroked in the black tears bled from the corruption-weary eyes of fifty thousand imaginary occultists.
Sweet, precious, beautiful Liv Tyler. You thought you'd lost her forever, just like Bruce Willis did when he blew himself up with a nuclear bomb in the center of an asteroid the size of Texas. His heroism and fatherly pride were ALSO the size of Texas.
But your love for Liv is not fatherly, oh no. This reunion is with no loving daughter, but a loving movie star fantasy crush, who happens to be in the form of a robot bunny which has traveled through time, and been given as a gift on five separate occasions, twice by you and thrice to you, and originally fished out of a sewer by Nicholas Cage on the silver screen.
You forget the point you are supposed to be making.
This tiny hammer is so ridiculous! It's too bad it is not the right size. You would love to wallop some imps with such a fanciful weapon.
You guess you could just go around giving them little bops on the head with it. Like a silly gavel. No, that would be too absurd, even for a great prankster like you. You will discard this rubbish immediately.
This rabbit im sure youve noticed is armed to the stitches! Hes got all four of the funny little weapons i mentioned thatre all deadly as the fucking dickens but that doesnt mean they are meant exclusively for the paws of mr terry kiser. (That is the name i call him.) Heck no.
You see i adapted terry with some doodads you may deem practical. An infinitesimalator which i used to littlefy them down in the first place as well as a monstrositifier for when you would like to hugen them up and wield them yourself! Hes surely got enough juice in him to make them enormous if you wish. But thats silly what would you even do with say a magic needle the size of a skyscraper for instance? Preposterous!
I borrowed this technology from my grandmother who had quite the way with manipulating space. Legend tells she was something of a witch with the stuff! Once she was a brave hero like you and i john and the stars themselves twinkled in her cauldron. I would like to tell you who my grandmother is i really would. But i cant. I think i have trouble keeping secrets. I like to be honest just like you and a lot of secrecy after a while gets me feeling a bit jaded. Heh heh.
Green means grow red means shrink! See you soon pal.
You are so delighted by your rad new hammer and the cool hugening abilities of Liv Tyler or Terry Kiser or whatever her/his name is. Who the hell is Terry Kiser, anyway? Probably a movie star from the future. Who cares though, your bunny will be LIV 4 LYFE <3 <3 <3 HEARTS HEARTS HEARTS
You wonder what other neat things you can get Liv to monstrositify with her sweet eye beams?
Wait, what happened to her green eye? And why is she feverishly gesticulating toward the fellow in the ghost sheets? This is so ridiculous, you cannot turn your back on these people to admire a beautiful hammer for even one moment.
You think that is enough fooling around. It is time to get down to business again. The serious business of being an important and heroic leader.
First you request that everyone settle down! The squat fellow mediates between the two bickering parties, and patches up Liv's missing eye. She is nothing if not accustomed to decades of repair work, and quickly resumes her plucky demeanor.
You give your wallet to your loyal chauffeur familiar. He looks puzzled. You inform the party that you will not be going on this journey. You must remain behind and continue looking for your father.
But you insist their mission is the most critical of all! You know they can handle it. You believe in them.
You instruct Captain Tyler to set a course for the ship's home. They must fly to Derse, and deliver the Tumor to the moon. Everyone salutes their intrepid friendleader. This is what teamwork is all about.
Godspeed, heroes. You have all the faith in the world that they will be successful.
As a friendleader, or sometimes known as a palhoncho, you have done an amazing job. You have come up with a plan, and politely requestordered your loyal team to execute it. It is all falling into place perfectly. You are quite sure you have not failed to account for even a single thing.
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-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
GG: john!!! i am worried about rose! GG: im pretty sure she is on her way there to look for jack! GG: i cant say for sure because i cant see her with my goggles anymore for some reason, but i am fearing the worst GG: just in case, you should to try to intercept her before she does something stupid like try to fight him!!!!! GG: also, um... GG: i guess you probably still dont know about your dad yet do you? GG: darn, why do i always have to be the one to break terrible news :( GG: er GG: john?
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GG: oh god please dont tell me your computer was in the wallet you just gave that guy..... GG: dammit john!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GG: one of these days you will learn the value of having plenty of backup computers GG: in fact whenever you finally leave the battlefield i am going to give you the code for a nice pair of lunchmuffs GG: and then i am going to force you to keep them on your head AT ALL TIMES! GG: yeah, youre never going to read this are you :|
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arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]
AG: John!!!!!!!! AG: You're heading into the 8lackout, so I won't 8e a8le to see you until you leave. AG: 8ut don't worry, I can still sense you are there. 8ecause of awesome powers, remem8er? AG: Smooth move, ditching your computer like that, 8y the way. That was some incredi8le leadership you showed! AG: Now I have to contact you through Rose, thus exposing me to the risk of actually having to taaaaaaaalk to her........ AG: Your carelessness has put the Heroes of Light in a very awkward position, John. I hope you're satisfied. AG: Hahahaha, just kidding. She's o8viously a little too "preoccupied" at the moment to 8e sassing me. AG: Just 8orrow her computer and talk to me when you get the chance, ok? AG: I will 8e w8ing. ::::)
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gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]
GC: STR1111111D3R TG: oh my fucking god GC: WH4T >:? TG: what do you mean what TG: we just got done talking and agreed it would be awesome if you didnt bother me for a while TG: you know like while i guess i grieved over this brutally murdered rad family member or something GC: OH GC: TH4TS R1GHT GC: 1 FORGOT! TG: it was five seconds ago GC: 1 TH1NK TH4T W4S HOURS 4GO FOR M3 GC: 1 4M 4 L1TTL3 FOGGY ON 4LL OUR CHRONOLOG1ST1C4L SH3N4N1G4NS 4T TH1S PO1NT... GC: TH3R3 H4S B33N SO MUCH CR4ZY STUFF GO1NG ON H3R3 1 H4V3 LOST TR4CK! TG: so youre officially going nonlinear with me then TG: were just forfeiting all rhyme or reason to this unmitigated clusterfuck is that it GC: D4V3, YOUR 3NT1R3 3X1ST3NC3 1S NONL1N34R GC: DONT B3 SO M3LODR4M4T1C TG: whoops ok in the future ill try not to pitch any sort of dramatics while brooding over the cadavers of slaughtered loved ones GC: D1D YOU LOV3 H1M D4V3? TG: no GC: BUT H3 W4S YOUR STR4NG3 HUM4N M4N-LUSUS GC: WHO T4UGHT YOU TO L1K3 COOL TH1NGS, L1K3 SWORDS 4ND PUPP3TS 4ND MOV1NG R34LLY F4ST! GC: HOW COULD YOU NOT??? TG: puppets arent cool theyre shitty small fake people who haunt your dreams and grin like permanent assholes TG: i was making a joke about being all broken up about it TG: a guy can be sad and make jokes at the same time GC: YOU 4R3 S4D, BUT NOT BROK3N UP 4BOUT 1T? GC: 1 DONT UND3RST4ND TG: exactly GC: BUT YOU S41D YOU W3R3 GR13V1NG! TG: i said we agreed youd leave me alone to grieve TG: didnt say whether i actually would or actually am GC: W3LL, 4R3 YOU? TG: i am grieving to the max like a widow on dead husband island TG: behind these chill as fuck shades my face is having this crazy attack of the sads TG: my rue is fucking bananas cant you tell GC: 4RGH NO, 1 C4NT! GC: YOU DONT SOUND S1NC3R3, BUT 1TS SO H4RD TO T3LL WH4T L4Y3R OF 1RONY R3MOV3D FROM R34L1TY YOUR FL1PP4NT R3M4RKS 4R3 SUPPOS3D TO B3 GC: 1 4M B3TT1NG YOU R34LLY 4R3 S4D NO M4TT3R HOW H1L4R1OUS 4ND 4LOOF YOU TH1NK YOUR3 B31NG TG: the truth is a mystery TG: tucked behind the pursed lips of a shitty riddler TG: they will be loosened only when presented with the conundrous grandeur of rigid insoluble puzzlecock GC: BLUH TH4T M4K3S NO S3NS3! TG: im sorry you are so flustered by the mere mention of glittering mythical cryptodick it honestly makes me think youre not ready for the truth GC: D4V3 YOUR P3RPL3X1NG 3UPH3M1SMS 1NVOLV1NG WH4T 1 PR3SUM3 TO B3 L3WD 4ND V4GU3LY 1NTR1GU1NG PORT1ONS OF HUM4N 4N4TOMY 1 TH1NK 4R3 NOT 4S H1L4R1OUS 4S YOU PROB4BLY B3L13V3 GC: 4ND 1N 4NY C4S3 YOU M4Y B3 4M4Z3D TO L34RN 1 4M NOT TOT4LLY 1N TH3 MOOD FOR YOUR DUMB SM4RT4SSY HORNSWOGGL3RY! GC: 1 H4V3 LOTS OF MY OWN PROBL3MS H3R3, 4ND TH3Y 4R3 B1G, B1G PROBL3MS GC: SO WHY DONT YOU JUST T3LL M3 WH4T YOU 4R3 TH1NK1NG FOR ONC3? TG: its pretty simple TG: im just thinkin about how im gonna take this sword GC: Y34H... GC: 1 N3V3R R34LLY GOT WHY YOU WOULDNT JUST PULL 1T OUT TG: filthiest thing you ever said GC: HUH >:? TG: forget it TG: pulling swords out of things isnt how i roll TG: im not john remember GC: 1 4M NOT FOLLOW1NG TG: im not a hero TG: my bro was TG: john is TG: im not GC: Y3S YOU 4R3! TG: no GC: Y3S, W3 4LL 4R3 GC: 1 4M TH3 H3RO OF M1ND GC: YOU 4R3 TH3 H3RO OF T1M3 GC: TH4T 1S WHO W3 W3R3 CR34T3D TO B3 TG: fine its a title we inherit as phlegm babies or whatever but what have i done to earn it TG: pretty much nothing but horsing around through time and swindling retarded alligators out of their life savings TG: if that swords coming out of his chest its coming out clean TG: taking it vertically means drawing more blood TG: but horizontally means a clean break TG: check it GC: NO, DONT >:[
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GC: D4V3 G3T UP TG: no fuck that TG: im a lie my ass right down here for a while looking slightly less cool than i make myself out to be ordinarily GC: YOU MUST ST4ND T4LL, ONLY 4 TRU3 H3RO COULD PULL OFF SUCH 4N 4CROB4T1C FUCK1NG P1ROU3TT3 OFF OF TH4T H4NDL3 >:] TG: that is basically what i just did isnt it GC: Y3S TG: thats what im doing here im making a point of makin every little thing take place what was once mentioned in passing no matter how seemingly trivial or pointless TG: thats how all the best adventures get strung together TG: you havent heard me bleat like a goat for ironically humorous purposes yet have you GC: NO!!! >:o TG: that was something that was mentioned at some point by someone i forget when or why TG: i bet you are on goddamn pins and needles waiting for that arent you GC: 4R3 YOU 4BOUT TO BL34T L1K3 4N 34RTH GO4T, D4V3? TG: no TG: fuck that GC: >:[ GC: TH3N W1LL YOU 4T L34ST G3T UP?? TG: no TG: fuck you TG: go away GC: 4UGH GC: WHY DO 1 DO TH1S TO MYS3LF TG: what GC: SUBJ3CT MYS3LF TO TH3 MOODY NONS3NS3 OF CURMUDG3ONLY C4NDY BLOOD3D FOULMOUTHS! TG: i dunno TG: why are you even talking to me anyway TG: aside from the fact that several hours from now you apparently forget i dont need consolation and oughta be left alone GC: M4YB3 1T JUST SO H4PP3NS TH4T FOR ONC3 TH1S 1SNT 4BOUT YOU! GC: M4YB3 1 4M TH3 ON3 WHO N33DS SOM3 H3LP, H4S TH4T OCCURR3D TO YOU, MR COOLK1D??? TG: oh GC: 4NYW4Y, 1 R3M3MB3R NOW GC: SORRY, 3V3RYON3 W3NT K1ND OF SH1TH1V3 H3R3, 4ND 1 GOT B1TT3N 1 TH1NK, 4ND 1 K1ND OF FORGOT WH3R3 1 L3FT OFF W1TH YOU TG: bitten TG: what GC: BUT 1 R3M3MB3R WH3R3 TH1S 4LL F1TS 1NTO TH3 CHRONOLOGY, YOU W1TH YOUR BRO H3R3 GC: TH1S W4S JUST B3FOR3 YOU B3GG3D M3 TO F1N4LLY SHOW YOU HOW TO R34CH GOD T13R GC: SO 1 D1D GC: 4ND TH3N YOU GOT M4D 4T M3 GC: SO YOU D3C1D3D TO GO DO YOUR OWN TH1NG FOR 4 WH1L3 GC: 4ND S1NC3 TH3N 1 H4V3 B33N UP TO MY PO1NTY L1TTL3 NUBS 1N SUSP3NS3, 1NTR1GU3, 4ND B3TR4Y4L! TG: that sure sounds like a dumb way to say a thing TG: almost egbertian in elegant stupidity TG: the t in egbertian is soft like shhhhh GC: H3H3H3 OH TG: why would i get mad at you GC: OH, YOULL S33 >:P TG: ok TG: but yeah i guess its about time you showed me whats up with my allegedly futile god tierification TG: how long ago was it that you did your coin flip thing i dont even remember TG: i was getting sure you were just bullshitting me and had no intention of ever mentioning it again GC: UNFORTUN4T3LY, NO! GC: M4YB3 1 SHOULD T4K3 TH3 OPPORTUN1TY TO 4POLOG1Z3 1N 4DV4NC3 >:[ TG: for what GC: HMM GC: 1 DONT TH1NK 1T W1LL B3 CONSTRUCT1V3 TO GO 1NTO 1T B3FOR3 1T H4PP3NS TG: before what happens TG: you mean god tiering TG: does something go wrong GC: 3V3RYTH1NG GO3S 4CCORD1NG TO PL4N! GC: BUT TH4T 1S 4LL 1 W1LL S4Y GC: R3M3MB3R, TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON 1S K1ND OF NOT SUPPOS3D TO B3 4BOUT YOU, 1 KNOW TH3 1D34 1S UNPR3C3D3NT3D TG: thats practically unthinkable GC: 1 KNOW >:p TG: but i mean ok we can talk about your troll problem but this is pretty important here TG: the god tier thing and whether i can actually do it or not TG: it might be kind of hard to tell on account of me chilling face down on the pavement and also because downplaying feelings is the chief rule of cool but im pretty pissed about this TG: which is weird GC: 1TS W31RD TO F33L M4D? GC: 4R3 YOU TOO COOL FOR TH4T TOO?? TG: no its not weird to be mad its just weird it feels like im the only one who is TG: and the only one even contemplating taking jack on TG: even among your group of irate gnashing shitheads GC: H3Y! TG: what GC: 4CTU4LLY, YOUR3 R1GHT GC: TURNS OUT W3 R34LLY DO H4V3 4 LOT OF SH1TH34DS H3R3 >:[ GC: 4ND 4LSO 4S 1T H4PP3NS TH3 WORST ON3 1S TH3 ON3 WHO H4PP3NS TO B3 PL4NN1NG TO T4K3 H1M ON! TG: well ok TG: and that would be a bitchin line to switch the subject to start talkin about your complicated problems but i kinda wasnt done GC: F111N3 GC: BUT FOR SOM3ON3 WHO JUST TOLD M3 TO FUCK OFF YOU 4R3 SUR3 B3ND1NG MY 34R SUDD3NLY >:] TG: but ok i mean isnt that what heroes should be doing TG: working to take down the bad guy without a whole lot of this fuckin grandiloquence and these huge sweeping plans that got nothin to do with fighting him TG: like always biding our time and tiptoeing around the unbeatable god boss TG: johns too nice to get mad TG: rose spends all her time calculating TG: too focused on machiavellian ploys of sabotage to try anything drastic TG: jade is TG: i dont even know TG: probably more a liability if she got it in her head to take him down TG: if anything id bet she just needs protection GC: WH4T 4R3 YOU S4Y1NG H3R3 D4V3, 1N TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON TH4T 1S ST1LL B31NG 4BOUT YOU TG: im just wondering TG: when does someone actually step up TG: jacks got shit to pay for GC: 1F TH4T 1S HOW YOU F33L GC: TH3N 1 TH1NK OUR TWO PROBL3MS 4R3 NOT R34LLY D1FF3R3NT GC: W3 4R3 BOTH PR3S3NTLY CONC3RN3D W1TH JUST1C3 TG: yeah i guess TG: i guess it has been on my mind TG: maybe i am supposed to be a hero and rise to the occasion because there seems to be this little persistent voice in my head nagging me about it TG: insisting someones gotta pay TG: and its hard for me to disagree GC: TH3N 1T COULD M34N ON3 OF TWO TH1NGS GC: OR BOTH OF TH3 TWO TH1NGS, L1K3 1T D1D FOR M3 >:] TG: what things GC: 1T COULD M34N TH4T TH3 4G3NT PR3S3NTLY 1NFLU3NC1NG YOU 1S... GC: 4 CONSC13NC3 GC: 4ND/OR GC: 4N 3X1L3
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TG: im pretty sure i dont even have an exile TG: ive never heard any voices or anything TG: anyway you dont need a voice in your head to tell you this shit is TG: just like TG: so completely illegal GC: >:? TG: wait TG: why did i just say that stupid thing i said
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GC: D4V3 1 D1D NOT R34L1Z3 YOU H4D SUCH 4 P4SS1ON FOR L4W 3NFORC3M3NT GC: 1 MUST S4Y TH1S SHOCK1NG D3V3LOPM3NT 1S COM1NG D4NG3ROUSLY CLOS3 TO G1V1NG M3 4 C4S3 OF TH3 V4PORS >:O TG: no i mean TG: ok that came out wrong TG: what were we talking about again GC: BR1NG1NG J4CK TO JUST1C3? TG: right TG: someone has to make him pay TG: cant let him just go unpunished TG: if i can figure out how to reach the god tier maybe i can be the one to throw him into the slammer GC: ... GC: TH3 SL4MM3R? TG: slammer means jail GC: 1 KNOW WH4T TH3 SL4MM3R M34NS!!! TG: you call it the slammer when youre extra angry at crimes
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TG: are you taking notes on this important principle?? jesus get a fucking pen TG: or some chalk or whatever GC: 1 TH1NK 1 4M FOLLOW1NG GC: YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO F1ND J4CK, 4ND PUT H1M 1N J41L? TG: wait TG: fuck TG: what TG: no GC: D4V3 1 KNOW YOU 4R3 L1K3LY D1SCOMBOBUL4T3D W1TH GR13F OV3R YOUR F4LL3N M4NBRO LUSUS, BUT TH4T 1S 3XTR3M3LY S1LLY 4ND DO3SNT M4K3 4NY S3NS3 TG: i know it doesnt TG: im just saying TG: what am i even saying here TG: shit
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GC: 1M ST1LL NOT SUR3 GC: YOUR3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT THROW1NG J4CK 1N TH3 SL4MM3R 4ND R4MBL1NG 4BOUT JUST1C3 4ND T3LL1NG M3 TO G3T P3NS 4ND SUCH GC: NOT TH4T 1 4M COMPL41N1NG TG: ok forget the slammer stuff that was stupid TG: it is about justice though TG: and since no one else seems to give a shit about that it apparently falls in my jurisdiction now TG: not just going after jack TG: but all the mutinous agents responsible for crimes GC: 4G3NTS? TG: holy shit why do i care about THAT suddenly GC: >8?! TG: anyway thats more shit that popped into my head just now TG: so TG: ok
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GC: W3LL GC: NO1RS CRON13S 4R3 3XPLO1T4BL3 GC: 4R3 YOU S4Y1NG YOU H4V3 4 PL4N TH4T 1NVOLV3S T4RG3T1NG TH3M? TG: not really TG: no TG: anyway TG: its not like being mad about this and hankering for justice is even the only irrational thing im currently hot and bothered about TG: i have other duties to attend to GC: L1K3 WH4T?
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TG: ive got to explode this ridiculously illegal edifice oh my god what are these words im saying GC: YOU H4V3 TO 3XPLOD3 SOM3TH1NG? TG: never mind GC: 4R3 YOU R3F3RR1NG TO YOUR PL4N TO BLOW UP <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/TH3GR33NSUN.gif" border="0" />? TG: oh TG: yeah TG: thats gotta be what im talking about TG: probably TG: i need to shut up now TG: im sounding like an idiot and my head is starting to hurt TG: why dont we talk about your thing now TG: what justice thing do you have to do GC: YOU M34N 1TS 4CTU4LLY MY TURN TO T4LK? TG: yes GC: BUT 1 W4S B3G1NN1NG TO FORG3T MY PROBL3M L1ST3N1NG TO YOUR H1GHLY 3NJOY4BL3 B3FUDDL3M3NT! TG: just please tell me your justice problem and make me stop saying stuff TG: farewell GC: F4R3W3LL?? GC: W41T!!!!!! >:[ TG: no i mean TG: god damn it im not leaving TG: farewell is not even a thing i would ever say jesus what am i a victorian poet TG: can you show me a little respect and assume any time i say something stupid it just means im temporarily being inexplicably retarded TG: thats what a real friend would do
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GC: OK D4V3, 1 W1LL SHOW SOM3 S3NS1T1V1TY 4ND C4ST SUSP1C1ON ON TH3 1NT3LL3CTU4L M3R1T OF 3V3RYTH1NG YOU H4V3 3V3R S41D TG: thank you GC: 1 W1LL FURTH3R D3MONSTR4T3 MY FR13NDSH1P BY DOM1N4T1NG TH3 R3ST OF TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON W1TH L3NGTHY 4CCOUNTS OF MY 3MOT1ON4L TR1BUL4T1ONS, L34V1NG NO SP4C3 FOR YOU TO SUBM1T 4NY 4MUS1NG OUTBURSTS TG: that sounds awesome GC: QU13T!!! >:O GC: NOW GC: WH3R3 W4S 1 TG: justice problems GC: OH Y3S, OF COURS3 GC: YOU S33, OUR 41MS 4R3 NOT TH4T D1SS1M1L4R GC: OUR PURSU1TS OF JUST1C3 1 M34N GC: BUT YOURS 1S MOT1V4T3D BY 4NG3R 1N TH3 H34T OF TH3 MOM3NT GC: WH1CH 1S BL1ND1NG YOU TO TH3 CONS3QU3NC3S OF 4TT3MPT1NG SOM3TH1NG V3RY FOOL1SH GC: YOU 4R3 F4R TOO COOL TO SUCCUMB TO 4NYTH1NG L1K3 TH4T GC: WH1CH 1S WHY YOU W1LL COM3 TO YOUR S3NS3S SHORTLY >:] GC: MY S1TU4T1ON 1S 4 L1TTL3 MOR3 COMPL1C4T3D GC: 1TS L3SS P3RSON4L GC: THOUGH ONC3 1T W4S 4 GRUDG3 WH1CH PROP3LL3D OUR R1V4LRY GC: NOW 1TS R3SOLUT1ON H4S B3COM3 4 M4TT3R OF PR4CT1C4L1TY GC: 1F NOT PROF3SS1ON4L1SM GC: BUS1N3SS L1K3! GC: TH3 W4Y 4 TRU3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR CONDUCTS H3R PROS3CUT1ONS GC: D4V3 D1D YOU KNOW TH4T C3NTUR13S 4GO ON MY PL4N3T, L3G1SL4C3R4TORS W3R3 NOT CONF1N3D TO STUFFY COURTBLOCKS 4RGU1NG C4S3S B3FOR3 H1S HONOR4BL3 TYR4NNY? TG: oh shit are you fucking serious GC: Y3S! 4LSO, SHUSH GC: 1 KNOW YOU 4R3 S4SS1NG M3 DU3 TO MY US3 OF T3RMS UNF4M1L14R TO HUM4NS, BUT 1T 1S TRU3 GC: TH3Y W3R3 D3PLOY3D THROUGHOUT TH3 G4L4XY TO 4PPR3H3ND CR1M1N4LS BY 4NY M34NS N3C3SS4RY TG: no i got that theyre like your alien death lawyers who were sorta like bounty hunters in olden times pretty simple to decipher through context GC: 1 THOUGHT 1 TOLD YOU TO B3 QU13T! GC: 1 4M MONOLOGU1NG H3R3 >:P GC: 4NYW4Y, TH3Y WOULD NOT R3ST UNT1L TH31R SUSP3CT W4S 1N CUSTODY, ON3 W4Y OR 4NOTH3R GC: TH3Y WOULD G4TH3R 3V1D3NC3 OV3R TH3 COURS3 OF TH3 1NV3ST1G4T1ON, COMP1L1NG 4 C4S3 TO B3 PR3S3NT3D 4T TH3 TR14L, SHOULD ON3 B3 H3LD B3FOR3 TH3 F1N4L SUBM1SS1ON OF TH3 GU1LTY CORPS3 TO JUD1C14L 4UTHOR1T13S GC: P3RSON4L F33L1NGS 4ND V3ND3TT4S D1D NOT M4TT3R, NOR D1D 3V3N TH3 N4TUR3 OF TH3 CR1M3 GC: ONLY JUST1C3 D1D! GC: TH3Y W3R3 S3L3CT3D FOR TH31R CUNN1NG 4ND M4RT14L PROW3SS GC: 4ND FOR TH31R 4B1L1TY TO UND3RST4ND TH3 M1NDS OF TH3 CR1M1N4LS TH3Y SOUGHT GC: TH1S 1S WHY TH3 BURD3N H4S TO B3 M1N3 1 TH1NK GC: 1 4M TH3 ONLY ON3 WHO KNOWS HOW TO H4NDL3 H3R GC: 4S SUCH, SH3 1S MY R3SPONS1B1L1TY TG: she GC: SHOOOOOOOSH!!!!!!! TG: ok i cant even make little interrogative quips to grease the wheels of your monologue GC: OH GC: Y3S TH4TS OK, 1N F4CT 1TS V3RY H3LPFUL GC: WHO DO YOU TH1NK??
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TG: spidertroll GC: YOU 4R3 CORR3CT GC: TH3 SP1D3R13ST ON3 OF 4LL TG: youve decided to take her down then GC: 1 GU3SS SO TG: you dont sound that psyched about it GC: W3LL, 1M H3R3 T4LK1NG TO YOU 4BOUT 1T 1NST34D OF 4CTU4LLY DO1NG 1T, 4R3NT 1? TG: are you feeling guilty TG: like second guessing whether she deserves it GC: NOT 3X4CTLY TG: hasnt she done enough terrible shit to warrant legislaceration GC: TH4T 1S NOT 4 TH1NG! GC: BUT Y3S, TH3 C4S3 4G41NST H3R 1S OV3RWH3LM1NG GC: MOR3 TH4N YOU 3V3N KNOW! GC: SH3S COMPL3T3LY OUT OF CONTROL NOW GC: SH3 H4S MURD3R3D 4T L34ST ON3 OF MY GOOD FR13NDS GC: 4ND POSS1BLY S3V3R4L OTH3RS, 1 4M NOT SUR3 Y3T GC: TH3 C1RCUMST4NC3S 4R3 4 L1TTL3 F1SHY, BUT MY 1NV3ST1G4T1ON 1S ONGO1NG
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GC: 4DD1T1ON4LLY, 1 H4V3 D1SCOV3R3D SH3 1S COMPL1C1T 1N J4CKS R1S3 TO POW3R GC: WH3N 1 F1RST L34RN3D H3 C4M3 FROM YOUR S3SS1ON, 1 M1ST4K3NLY BL4M3D YOU 4LL, 4ND TOOK 1T OUT ON 4 H4PL3SS 3GB3RT >:[ GC: BUT 1F 4NYON3 1S TO P4Y FOR R3L34S1NG TH4T D3MON ON BOTH OF OUR GROUPS, 1T 1S H3R TG: are you sure about that GC: Y3S GC: 4ND SH3 KNOWS 1 KNOW GC: SH3 H4S B33N T4UNT1NG M3, TRY1NG TO ST1R UP OUR OLD R1V4LRY GC: TH4T 1S WH4T TH1S WHOL3 JOHN VS D4V3 TH1NG H4S B33N 4BOUT TG: there is no john vs dave thing though GC: 1 KNOW GC: NOT R34LLY GC: 1TS JUST 4 G4M3 GC: BUT TH3 G4M3 1S S3R1OUS BUS1N3SS TO H3R GC: L1K3 1T W4S DUR1NG OUR ROL3 PL4Y1NG D4YS GC: 4ND JUST L1K3 TH3N, SH3S RU1N3D 3V3RYTH1NG BY T4K1NG 1T TOO F4R GC: 4ND 1N SP1T3 OF 4LL H3R P4ST CR1M3S, TH3S3 4R3 NOT 3V3N TH3 MOST 1MPORT4NT R34SONS TO STOP H3R! GC: SH3 H4S D3C1D3D TO F1GHT J4CK H3RS3LF GC: WH1CH 1S 4N 3XTR3M3LY D4NG3ROUS 4ND STUP1D TH1NG TO DO! GC: SOUND F4M1L14R, D4V3? TG: are you going to stop me too then TG: hunt me down and lawyerviscerate me for my own good GC: NO GC: 1LL JUST L3T YOU TRY TO R34CH TH3 GOD T13R, 4ND TH3N D3C1D3 FOR YOURS3LF >:] TG: are you saying that i wont make god tier or i wont be strong enough if i do GC: OBJ3CT1ON!!! TG: what GC: W3 4R3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT YOU 4G41N GC: 1 MOT1ON TH4T 4LL D4V3 C3NTR1C T3ST1MONY B3 STR1CK3N FROM TH3 R3CORD TG: lame motion overruled the judge wants to see where this is going GC: NO H3 DO3SNT, YOU KNOW P3RF3CTLY W3LL H3 DO3SNT G1V3 4 SH1T GC: H3 W1LL CL34R TH1S COURTBLOCK 1F H3 DO3S NOT H4V3 ORD3R, H3 SW34RS TO J3GUS TG: ok fine TG: we can keep obsessing over your fucked up kismesister if you want GC: 1TS NOT L1K3 TH4T! >XO TG: do you think she stands a chance against him GC: NO TG: then whats the big deal TG: why not let her go get her shit ruined by jack and let justice happen that way GC: B3C4US3 1 4M QU1T3 SUR3 TH4T 1F SH3 GO3S TO F1ND H1M, 1T W1LL T1P H1M OFF TO OUR LOC4T1ON 1N TH3 V31L GC: 1 H4V3 S33N 1T 4LR34DY GC: TH4T 1S WHY TH1S 1S NO S1MPL3 V3ND3TT4 GC: BR1NG1NG H3R TO JUST1C3 1S CR1T1C4L TO OUR SURV1V4L! TG: so why dont you go do it GC: B3C4US3 GC: 1M NOT SUR3 1F 1 C4N TG: you mean you cant beat her in a fight GC: NO, 1TS NOT TH4T GC: 1T JUST TH4T WH3N TH3 T1M3 COM3S GC: 1M NOT SUR3 1F 1 W1LL B3 4BL3 TO K1LL H3R TG: i thought trolls were all about gratuitous murderings GC: Y3S 1TS TRU3 GC: W3 4R3 SUPPOS3D TO R3V3L 1N BLOODSH3D 4S W3 GROW UP GC: 4ND SH3 S33MS TO B3 3MBR4C1NG H3R R1T3 OF P4SS4G3 W1TH R3CKL3SS 4B4NDON, 4S 1 WOULD 3XP3CT GC: GR4BB1NG TH3 BULL BY TH3 HORNS, SO TO SP34K GC: 1TS 4 L1TTL3 1NT1M1D4T1NG GC: B3C4US3 1M NOT SUR3 1F 1M R34DY FOR TH4T GC: WH1CH 1 GU3SS 1S NORM4L?? TG: are TG: you asking me to reassure you about that TG: cause i seriously dont have a clue GC: 1TS OK D4V3 GC: ST1LL MONOLOGU1NG >:] GC: 1 GU3SS GC: 1 4M NOT SO MUCH WORR13D 4BOUT NOT B31NG R34DY GC: 4S 1 4M TH4T... GC: 1 M1GHT NOT 4CTU4LLY W4NT TO B3 R34DY GC: M4YB3 3V3R GC: M4YB3 TH3R3S SOM3TH1NG WRONG W1TH M3 TG: i dont understand TG: i thought you were insane kinds of apeshit over the macabre stuff TG: like being all cutesy about executions and smelling cherry blood and such things contrived to get a guy feeling vaguely uncomfortable TG: was that all an act GC: NOT 4N 4CT GC: JUST FUN! GC: 1 L1K3 FUN, D4V3, 4ND 1 4LSO L1K3 G4M3S GC: DONT YOU L1K3 FUN 4ND G4M3S? TG: of course the fuck not GC: L14R!!! >:O TG: didnt you say youve killed people before GC: TH3R3 1S 4 B1G D1FF3R3NC3 B3TW33N M4N1PUL4T1NG P3OPL3 TO TH31R DOOM W1TH TR1CK3RY, 4ND K1LL1NG SOM3ON3 BY YOUR OWN H4ND GC: 1T 1S 4 B1T L1K3 H4V1NG TO F4C3 YOUR OWN D34TH... GC: 4ND D1SCOV3R1NG TH3 D1FF3R3NC3 B3TW33N L34V1NG TH3 R3SPONS1B1L1TY TO SOM3ON3 3LS3, 4ND DO1NG TH3 D1RTY WORK YOURS3LF GC: M4YB3 YOULL UND3RST4ND SOM3 D4Y >;]
|PESTERLOG|
TG: ok TG: id like to help you out but i dont know what advice i should be giving TG: to a member of a murderous species whos gunshy on going off to justicemurder a murderhappy murderer whose done lots of murders TG: it feels pretty weird and inappropriate for me to be the one to tell you fuck yes go for it shes got this huge murder with her name on it anyways and its cruising right at her down comeuppance boulevard TG: so i dont know TG: do you want me to tell you to be a better human TG: or to be a better troll GC: 1 C4NT T3LL YOU WH4T TO 4DV1S3 M3, CHUMP4SS! GC: M4YB3 1M NOT 3V3N LOOK1NG FOR 4DV1C3 P3R S3 GC: BUT JUST W4NT TO T4LK TO SOM3ON3 4BOUT 1T TG: alright well all ill say is TG: maybe if you kill her at least we can finally stop obsessing over her GC: *S1111GNNNN* GC: Y34H, F41R 3NOUGH TG: why dont you just do what you think you have to do TG: and ill do the same TG: speaking of which GC: OH, R1GHT GC: YOULL B3 BUGG1NG M3 4BOUT SHOW1NG YOU HOW TO R34CH TH3 GOD T13R SOON GC: PROMPT3D BY TH1S V3RY CONV3RS4T1ON 1 1M4G1N3, WHOD H4V3 THOUGHT! TG: these time shenanigans completely blindsided us they practically never even happen GC: 1 KNOW TG: so i hang up now with future you and then start pestering present you about it is that how it works GC: Y3S TG: and i make sure not to reference anything said here to keep it simple TG: except like in an offhand way thatll seem retroactively logical to your future self TG: ie you right now TG: if for no other reason than itd be boring as hell to rehash it GC: TH4T SOUNDS 4BOUT R1GHT BUT WH4T DO 1 KNOW GC: YOUR3 TH3 T1M3 GUY 4FT3R 4LL GC: LUCK1LY 1 W1LL NOT H4V3 TO P4RT1C1P4T3 1N TH3S3 CH4R4D3S TH1S T1M3 4ROUND TG: does luck actually matter GC: >:o
You cannot wake up, because you were not actually asleep! You were just taking a breather in this nice cozy pile of horrifically mutilated scalemates, which were gathered here to break your fall for some reason.
You wonder where you are? This is a fancy looking room. It doesn't look like a place you would expect to find on this meteor, at least not in any strictly canonical capacity.
You will either need a key, or to break it down with force. You would need to achieve an especially heightened state of determination to pull that off, though.
You have been completely hornswoggled. This whole thing was a setup from the start. A trap deployed by a cunning mastermind. All of the clues are adding up. The blood. The note. The flagrant displays of tricksterism and japery. The identity of the puppetmaster behind all of this is now painfully obvious to you.
You select appropriate crime solving music to set the right mood. With this kind of atmosphere, it is highly unlikely that any crime will stay unsolved for long.
Before you can make heads or tails of who exactly this douche bag is, something rolls out of the sleeve. It appears to be a very small record. It's so small! What is such a small record doing in this great big sleeve?
You have spent way too much time calibrating the ambiance of your investigation, and not nearly enough time investigating. It is one of the most common pitfalls to being an investigator. Aside from literal pitfalls, which you actually fall into.
There are two chests in this secret room. Nothing out of the ordinary. Chests are everywhere in this lab, and people find it all too tempting to sneak their personal belongings into them for safe keeping. That is, until the goods are stolen shortly after by those who can't resist looting every chest they encounter, which is everybody.
You got your NEOPHYTE REDGLARE ROLEPLAYING OUTFIT!
What is this doing in here? You have not worn it since your Flarping days. The only part of it you kept on hand was the stylish pair of glasses, which of course since the incident has managed to become a regular accessory.
But you cannot imagine how someone could have gotten their hands on the rest of it. Surely a crafty and resourceful criminal is at work.
You don the garb of the legendary legislacerator. It brings back memories of many successful fantasy prosecutions resulting in the real executions of rival players. Those were the days.
Pyralspite was your scalemate sidekick during your campaigns. He was the model of loyalty, friendship, and righteous retribution. More than could be said for another partner in justice.
There is no doubt about it anymore. She is clearly baiting you into confrontation.
You embrace your old friend releasing a mighty and majestic squeak. It has been too long, old friend. You vow never to let him out of your scent agai.........................
This puppet is becoming a nuisance. It appears to exhibit the same incredible puppet fastness properties which Dave's had. Must be some form of universal puppet enchantment. It couldn't possibly be the same one, because that would just be insane.
There he is. How'd he get all the way up there? He has always been quite the slippery scalawag.
Maybe he was reminding you to check out the note. You almost forgot is was up there, what with all your furious investigating. Most of which has involved fooling around with records, hugging plush toys and cosplaying as a childhood heroine.
Just as you thought. It is a message from Vriska summoning you to do battle. It is written in Gamzee's rich jelly-smelling blood, but it is her handwriting for sure. Her quirk is present, leaving the matter unde88a8le.
But why the hell does she want you to bring this stupid puppet along? She's so weird.
There is a journal entry on the back. It probably isn't the slightest bit relevant to the current situation, but you guess it couldn't hurt to read it anyway.
|JOURNALOG|
I suppose I'll have to get used to writing with this hand instead.
I now do so in captivity, while I 8ring my awe to 8ear on the immensity of the Su8juggl8or's high jinx. I took their gesture as plain avowal of my prosecution's futility. With a lone neophyte assigned to the task, how could I view it otherwise? I was sure they'd drawn from the 8ottom of their deck, not intending to squander more competent mercenaries on one who'd made a show of outclassing them all 8efore. 8ut I discovered too l8 that Redglare was their wild card all along.
How is one allowed to 8e raised 8y a dragon in this era? Let alone one of such middling 8lood, the sickly hue of a gutless civil servant. Those of her caste are typically pleased to mount a sluggish choler8ear, or some 8rainless squawking spleenfowl during petty expeditions to plaster seizure notices on gam8lignant property. 8y what fluke was this woman granted such a weapon, permitting her to luxuri8 in these delusions of righteousness?
Something 8locked the light of the un8itten moon, treating the har8or to darkness more grim than what fell this season's apogee. I made the mistake of looking into its eyes, each like a sun concentr8ted into a small jewel, as two hot garnets searing through a 8lack veil. I shut mine quickly, 8ut the more sensitive of them was 8urned irrepara8ly. When I regained sight in the other, there was only red. My fleet was in flames. The neophyte was on deck. Pyralspite, she mentioned through her ridiculous forced grin. She wanted me to know the name of the 8east which was a8le to consume my lusus whole.
My dice were in the hold 8elow, not that my present luck would consent to a favora8le roll anyway. I made a move for my 8lade. She took my arm, which I'm sure she kept as the tiniest of snacks for her ostent8ious custodian. May8e she meant to prove she wouldn't need me in irons to have my su8mission?
8ound or free.
Two, one or none.
I wonder how well she knows it's not what I do with my arms she has to fear?
|JOURNALOG|
The High8loods surely intended to make a spectacle of my conviction. They filled the court8lock with peasants ravenous for the comeuppance of a 8lue 8lood. I wasn't a8out to deny them what they came for.
|JOURNALOG|
It was kind of the authorities to supply me with phalanx of such impressiona8le spect8ors. The weak wills were nearly as thick in the air as the rust in their veins. Funny how my other senses seem to have piqued since exchanging glances with the dragon. What an extraordinary specimen. How I've come to covet the creature since it ruined my fleet. I know too well the whispers of a dangerous new infatu8tion when they 8eckon. 8ut I digress.
|JOURNALOG|
It was simple enough to nudge the hostility of the low8loods from one aristocrat to another. The su8juggl8ors could not have 8een pleased, 8ut nor could they have 8een altogether unamused, I would expect. I wonder if this was part of their unfathoma8le game? I'll never understand their riddles.
|JOURNALOG|
I only regret I didn't get to hear the opening st8ment the neophyte had prepared against me. The case she compiled from all that evidence she 8urned must have been damning. I 8et her remarks would have stung worse than when she severed my arm. She certainly would have shown me gr8ter mercy 8y taking the other instead!
|JOURNALOG|
Alas, I mock to disguise the extent of my regret.
Had my escape not necessit8ed her demise, she would have made a lovely rival. If she'd only discarded her childish preoccup8tion with justice, we might have made a striking scourge. Had we inched 8lacker we'd have torn red miles across the land and sea. Unfortun8ly, the only miles to 8e found through her 8ureaucratic calling were those of red tape. When so ensnared, one is eventually 8ound to 8e choked.
With the court8lock cleared, all that remained to o8struct my freedom was His Honora8le Tyranny himself.
|JOURNALOG|
Though I was free, I had no fleet. No matter. With the gam8lignants decim8ed, I'd em8raced the turn in fortune and pledged to put my seagrifting ways 8ehind me. With any luck, the skies will 8e my future. My thoughts again returned to that dragon.
8ut first, I was in need of temporary refuge. I sought it with the expatri8.
|JOURNALOG|
He owed me for the sweeps of protection I provided after his 8razen defiance of the High8loods. It was perhaps the only such courageous stand ever taken against a superior 8y one of his supercilious pedigree, and I'd not have 8othered sticking my neck out for another. 8ut the admir8ion he'd won naturally wore thin as he persistently 8emoaned his treason and 8anishment, and I was saddened to find this ha8it holding "STRONG" even now. I wonder if he still 8elieves she was worth it?
|JOURNALOG|
Repairing my arm would go a little further in squaring his de8t with me. Even if I came with 8oth intact I might have ripped one off and put him to the task just to halt to his 8lu88ering. Darkleer was always a skilled machinist and the work proved an adequ8 distraction. So pacified, he listened to what I had to say, a8out my recent travails with the law, and Pyralspite, and what I'd come for in truth - the treasure he'd 8een keeping safe for me.
|JOURNALOG|
I cradled the oracle in my synthetic hand, as if appraising 8y w8 the mystic qualities it still concealed. With my vision 8fold seared away, I was as 8lind to its secrets as the old Doctor was to its present wherea8outs. I'd learned to keep it cloaked from the awareness of the man who once called me his protege, a 8ackhanded term of endearment from a smug manipul8or. Loc8ing his so called dark pockets was the only gam8it I had in countering his milktongued dou8lespeak. The expatri8 for indiscerni8le reasons seemed naturally surrounded 8y such a void in the Doctor's awareness, and so was uniquely fit to inherit the or8. The Doctor could not see his treasure, nor I into it.
I considered what to do with it for a while. Should I find Pyralspite 8y consulting with the oracle, as I'd done so often to steal fortune from my adversaries? I guessed exploiting some technological means of gazing through its surface may have 8een simple enough, 8ut I hesit8ed. Every expedient granted 8y its counsel, though never instantly, came at a price. Knowing his n8ture, I'm surprised I only now recognize it as yet another instrument of his spurious 8enevolence, dangerous 8y way of selective divulgence. The sense of infalli8ility his oracle 8rought me was superficial, and in hindsight weakened my readiness. Knowing my f8 so far in advance, I took Redglare's threat lightly. The gr8est mistake I have ever made was asking the or8 when I would die.
8ut as I revisited the prophecy surrounding this unfortun8 query, something struck me. I thought of the man I would have as a m8sprit centuries from now, who was said to command an army of 8easts. The one it called the summoner.
|JOURNALOG|
If my o8session with the dragon should continue to 8urn for so long, would he 8e the one to assist me in taming it? I did not have enough knowledge to ask the right questions when I had the opportunity. Were that the case, I might have asked if it would 8e his rare a8ilities of communion that would 8ring Pyralspite under control. Would it 8e on account of my influence? And if so, would I exert this influence 8y taking his will, or winning his heart? These are details I would have given no second thought in drawing from the or8, my curiosity a force usually too much to quell. 8ut now...
I have thought of the summoner often. I have 8een trou8led to know that as one so common 8looded, he could not possi8ly have hatched yet, nor will he wriggle from the caverns for many sweeps. So I must have p8tience to take up my role in his story of heroism. It is a tale which reads to me as though lifted from a child's story, yet I know I'd 8e a fool to dou8t its veracity entirely. He would rise through the ranks of the cavalreapers and assume command, having proven the most skilled and fearless of them. He would exhi8it a remarka8le pup8tion, the sort only recorded in myth, growing, or perhaps simply revealing, a striking pair of wings. His army thus inspired would spearhead a major re8ellion. Surely one at least on the scale of the sectarian revolt crushed 8y the High8loods, who thereafter for8ade its mention, or any invoc8tion of the heretical sym69ls at all, even in private journals. Which is why I will stick to the fa8le of the summoner, and not risk another execution with even o8lique reference to the compelling tale of the sufferer.
Resolution to the summoner's mutiny is foggy, as I only understand what has 8een rel8ed to me through the 8rief answers I thought to solicit. Ultim8ely, the ire of the Condesce would 8e such that in the settling dust of the conflict, she would 8anish all from the homeworld, except the young. She would scatter all who reached maturity to the stars to fight her wars, I presume to keep them occupied, existing in a less centralized st8 from which such a coup may arise. This is still an incredi8le notion for me to consider, and I cannot imagine how she would come to enforce such an upheaval in our civiliz8tion. Though I suppose she will have on her side the advantage of an unparalleled lifespan, and the leverage extended 8y the hideous psychic prongs of her deep undul8ing monstrosity. That is, until it chooses another little witch to serve. Nevertheless, I take the prediction as truth, and find it amusing that a homeworld domin8ed 8y children will 8e the gr8 summoner's legacy. One of them, at least.
More importantly, and less amusingly, his legacy will 8e my demise. You see, I first learned his name when I asked who would 8e the one to kill me.
|JOURNALOG|
I have never spoken nor written of him out of contempt for the prophecy, 8ut do so here, in my final entry for this journal. I took this to 8e a pitia8le fate, and scoured the or8 for any means of escaping it, or at least, to salvage a little dignity from the tale of my downfall. Alas, it had no consol8tion for my vanity.
8ut as I sit here deciding what to do with the damna8le little sphere, I understand my error. It was not in failing to chart a course through future events to turn my fortune's tide, even so many sweeps from now. It was in 8elieving the future was mine to know, and fortune mine to control. If this hero is meant to 8reathe life into my em8ittered heart, and if he is to earn the right to run it through, then so 8e it. For him, I will commit to this page my highest expect8tions. And for what precious uncertainty is left in my future, I renew my vigorous anticip8tion.
The oracle I will resolve to part with. I will conceal it in a crypt 8earing the sign of the expatr8, with a map to its loc8tion hidden in this journal. To whomever finds it, 8e wary, for the truth it tells may leave its new keeper 8lind as I was. Though no more.
It will take time, though. I estimate, by which I mean I am certain by way of omniscience, that when I am done we will have reached just shy of the green circle on the card above. I'm sure you have already presumed this mark represents the beginning of Act 6. The disc should be ready to run in time to witness the Critical Event, a confluence of thickly interwoven, aconcurrent circumstances which have been meticulously arranged by myself, influenced to a much lesser extent by you, and by an even more negligible degree, our heroes. The scratch will be healed in time to watch these heroes put into motion, yes, The Scratch itself.
If you don't mind waiting here while I complete my repairs, I will tell the rest of the story. I will show you as well, as I recover data from the disc. But the visuals I supply will be nothing more than abbreviated snapshots, and my telling will be abridged.
Immortality notwithstanding, I'm not going to live forever, you know.
Never mind, I figured it out instantly because of my unfathomable intellect, limitless knowledge, and mind boggling charisma. Granted, my charisma had less to do with it than the other qualities. But it didn't hurt, did it?
The Thief used her abilities to steal the fortune of her opponent, and forced the flip to yield what she regarded as the most favorable outcome. The Seer anticipated this move, correctly.
This is why I don't care much for gambling. While a sucker is born with each tick of the clock, a cheater is born with each tock betwixt.
Also, because it is boring, and I am already a very wealthy man.
The Seer relayed her terms through the generally understood argot of an assassin. The result "go," while at face value would suggest the Thief was allowed to leave, was actually the Seer's code word for the threat of death. This was obvious to everyone, including the Thief.
While the Thief turned to fly away, making a show of claiming her prize, the Seer would stab her in the back the moment her guard was dropped. This was her plan. Not a particularly clever tactic in its own right, but its ingenuity didn't dwell in the novelty of the ruse, nor even the neutralized probabilities in the game of chance. Psychology was in play.
Naturally, the Thief knew this was her intent all along. She knew the Seer would have understood the outcome to be rigged, and that she likely intended to kill her as a consequence of the fixed result. This was to be seen as an implicit dare to the Thief to allow the flip to fall fairly, something which the Seer knew the Thief's ego wouldn't allow.
And the Seer knew the Thief knew all this as well.
Just another pair of cheaters attempting to play with their cards face up. Amateurs.
Each was gambling, not with any vehicle of probability, which had been eliminated from the equation, but with each other's intentions. The Thief indeed took the Seer's bait, stealing the luck needed to affect the flip in defiance of her dare. And in turning to leave, she then posed a dare of her own to the Seer, challenging her to back up the implied threat.
This was the Thief's gamble. She wagered the Seer would not be able to go through with it.
But in order to understand its proper conclusion, we should first catch up with another of my other proteges, from whom I'm expecting a message shortly.
She flew away to take vengeance on the Noir this side of The Scratch. That is, the one less angry and dangerous. The one not yet unmotivated by a compelling duel.
I'll remind you that the pacing of my account will be characterized by a reduction in granularity from what you have come to expect by way of an undamaged disc. You will imagine the remainder of the duel to be sensational, and I will continue my steady distribution of facts as if they were pieces of candy, poured from a bottomless white hemisphere.
The duel ends. The Seer dies. The Slayer departs. The Heir comes back to life.
It would be disingenuous of me to present it as such, and I will not belittle your intelligence with such a tawdry narrative ploy. It would be rude, and I am too well dressed for that kind of behavior.
If there truly stood some chance of permanence to the Heir's corpsehood, I can hear you asking now...
And for that matter, what sort of story would this be, with our human Hero of Breath made to stay a cadaver? Definitely not one the alpha timeline would allow.
If I had served as his mentor directly, rather than as his mentor's mentor's mentor, he may have stood a fair chance of perpetrating something underhanded. At the very least, his jokes might have been better.
I mentioned there was a bit more to her story. I believe it's time to resume it.
I trust you won't mind if I step away for a moment. I have important guests arriving very soon. If you need me, I'll be up here, making sure everything is in order, which it already is, and keeping an eye, which I don't have, on the clock, which I don't need.
Apologies for my preoccupation. I have managed to pacify the rowdier of my two other guests with sugary little black dogs, so that I may continue my narration. But only briefly. In a moment, I will go stand over by my typewriter and teach my neophyte protege the consequences for taking advice from strange men over the internet, while I continue to attend to my second guest, who is you from an earlier point in the story.
We met here in my apartment a little while ago. At that moment, I was busy hosting you from the future, who is you right now, but I did not mention this at the time. I would have introduced your past self to your future self and vice versa, but it is a well known fact that past and future selves tend not to get along. A good host would never tolerate the potential for discord among guests, and as hosts go, I am simply the best there is.
Please don't be alarmed. Past you was just leaving.
The two Heroes of Light had challenged the same Jack Noir, the one straddling The Scratch and about twenty hours of his own time, to a circumstantially simultaneous pair of duels. Circumstantial simultaneity is a concept more complex than its temporal analogue, and is valuable for examining the properties of paradox space. It is the agent responsible for the major cosmic event which pre-extinction Alternians came to refer to as The Great Undoing. The same concept rules the innumerable lesser events by which this critical moment shall be catalyzed, including the break, my employer's arrival, the detonation of a very powerful bomb, and my own death. It is an abstraction weaving together the fortunes of otherwise perfectly disparate chronologies, such as those bound to a pair of distinct sessions. It's not fully comprehensible to a mortal mind, and the length I will go to explain it to you will not extend beyond this sentence.
The Slayer was, for the moment, unmotivated by the Thief's motion for a compelling duel. This side of The Scratch, he opted for a more ruthless and calculating policy of extermination. On his arrival, not about to repeat the mistakes leading to his banishment, he quickly obliterated all twelve planets, followed by Prospit and Derse, to weed out those who might outsmart him in the same manner.
With as little fanfare, he seized the opportunity to follow the Thief's trail quickly before it dissipated, and destroyed their hideout in the veil.
Again, sorry for the interruption. My conversation with the girl ran a bit long, slightly exceeding the one second I scheduled for it.
This is where events begin to outpace my awareness. The deeper into this dark pocket we explore, the more I will be forced to speculate. I rarely have cause to rely on probability, but luckily for you, my guesses are better than anybody's.
I have always believed that a good storyteller should keep a comprehensive record of past events on hand. A scrapbook of personal significance, for instance, from which he may piece together current moments from past ones of a similar, if not identical nature. It's more efficient.
It's also logical, since there is essentially nothing new in paradox space. Everything that can happen is either a visual or substantive reproduction of something which has already transpired on a timeline, offshoot or otherwise.
Challenged by one claiming godhood before reaping the prodigious spoils from striking down a formidable endgame foe. One with the guile of a cheater, the luck of a Clover, the hubris of her mentor, and the drive known only to the pathologically competitive.
Let's pull back from this ever narrowing dark pocket. All this uncertainty is wearing thinner than the only pair of pants in an immortal's wardrobe.
I've never much enjoyed navigating the vortices of alternative possibility. The path which alone has my absolute mastery is the alpha timeline, a continuum I define as that which boasts exclusive rights both to my birth and to my death, two circumstantially simultaneous events. Any divergence from this path to my knowing will taper into blackness like rotting roots. But if I was a Seer, such offshoots would be fully within my domain. And if I was a Seer of Mind in particular, synaptic causality would be my specialty.
A Seer of Mind would have given you a more reliable account, perhaps. But then, she would do many things I wouldn't.
A Seer would support her allies in battle not with her weapons, but her vision. She would sift through dross of her comrades' poor tactical inclinations and examine the grim consequences. A Seer would not charge into the fray headlong but direct it as a conductor with a baton. She would have the sight to eschew the obvious gambits, and find the path to victory disguised cleverly as setback, or even imminent defeat. She would behold the fortunes of friends and foes in totality, and appraise the contrivance of luck itself. She would know its mines were not to be plundered, but simply explored and charted carefully.
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arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]
AG: John!!!!!!!! AG: You're heading into the 8lackout, so I won't 8e a8le to see you until you leave. AG: 8ut don't worry, I can still sense you are there. 8ecause of awesome powers, remem8er? AG: Smooth move, ditching your computer like that, 8y the way. That was some incredi8le leadership you showed! AG: Now I have to contact you through Rose, thus exposing me to the risk of actually having to taaaaaaaalk to her........ AG: Your carelessness has put the Heroes of Light in a very awkward position, John. I hope you're satisfied. AG: Hahahaha, just kidding. She's o8viously a little too "preoccupied" at the moment to 8e sassing me. AG: Just 8orrow her computer and talk to me when you get the chance, ok? AG: I will 8e waiting. ::::)
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AG: ........ AG: ........x8 AG: ........x8x8x8x8x8x8x8!!!!!!!! AG: All of the dots, John. All 16.777216 million of them. AG: Still dead, huh? AG: Or are you too 8usy weeping over her corpse to pick up that headset and answer me???????? AG: You can't fool me, John. I know you are not staying dead for long. AG: And it is not just 8ecause I can clearly see you're alive in the future! ::::P AG: You see, we are 8oth the 8est there is, and therefore we have special privileges when it comes to mortality. AG: It's hard to keep a god dead for good. We can only die under very specific circumstances. Didn't I mention?
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AG: Nothing too glorious a8out the way you just died, I 8et. AG: Let me guess, even after all my lessons, you allowed yourself to get sucker sta88ed, right? Pretty lame! AG: I mean, lucky for you it was lame. I guess 8eing lame pays off when dying a hero's what gets you killed. AG: If our Hero of 8reath reached god tier, he would have 8een completely indestructi8le! Lol. AG: Damn, I forgot, I was going to stop ripping on that guy, since he got sta88ed through the chest and died. Haha, whoops. AG: Anyway, I figure you're pro8a8ly safe from a just death too, since I'm pretty sure you haven't done anything all that despica8le. AG: Yet. ::::)
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AG: I don't know for sure, 8ut I'm 8etting that if I go to fight Jack, it will wipe out all the 8ad things I've done. AG: I think if I die it'll 8e a hero's death, so it ought to stick. AG: Pretty good motiv8tion to win the fight though, don't you think? AG: One way or another, I think this will 8e my last 8ig challenge as a gamer. AG: As such, I would like to pass my dice on to you. AG: It is very important to me that they stay in good hands, John. That you continue their legacy, and that of my ancestor. AG: 82THE8TH AG: Use the code! I'm sure I can count on you to make something awesome with it.
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AG: Still not alive yet? Man. AG: You 8etter hurry up! She pro8a8ly doesn't have much time left. AG: Trust me, what she's going through on Derse right now isn't much fun. AG: Ok, I guess I should mention why I'm trying to contact you now of all times, rather than just skipping ahead. AG: Remem8er how we talked a8out your 8ackup plan? The one you have devised to defeat Jack, in the off chance I fail? AG: Well, it's not going to work if Rose is dead, is it? AG: You have to wake her up! 8reathe some life into her. Do the windy thing, with your lips!!!!!!!! AG: You know what that means........
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AG: Gotta kiss her. AG: Don't worry, I still can't see you, so there is no reason to 8e 8ashful or anything. AG: And since we are a couple of professionals here who are focused on winning, we 8oth know it doesn't have any meaning. AG: It's not l8ke I would 8e jealous even if I could see. AG: Why wo8ld I 8e? AG: Or may8e that didn't even cr8ss your mind........ haha. AG: M8n, why am I ev8n t8lking a8out th8s.
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AG: Let's just forget I said that. This isn't really how I wanted this convers8tion to go! AG: I guess I was assuming you'd 8e talking 8ack 8y now. So now I'm just talking and talking and spinning my wheel device like an idiot. AG: May8e I don't actually know how I wanted it to go. AG: I guess I could just shut up and skip ahead on your timeline a little, talk to you when you're alive. AG: That would make sense. AG: So AG: I guess AG: I will do that. AG: 8ut then........ AG: May8e if I did, I wouldn't actually say what I wanted to say. AG: So AG: I will just say it.
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AG: To 8e honest, I am nervous a8out this fight. AG: 8ut I'm still going through with it, for a lot of reasons. AG: To save my friends, or at least the ones who are still alive. Oh, and I guess to save reality itself from 8eing totally fucked up. There's that too. AG: 8ut I think what's motiv8ting me to win this fight the most is........ AG: The possi8ility of getting to meet you when it's all over! AG: May8e I can finally put all this terri8le stuff 8ehind me. AG: And I won't have to worry a8out 8eing the 8est anymore, or proving what a ruthless killer I can 8e. AG: May8e I can try out whatever is supposed to 8e normal for a human. Who knows, it might not 8e as 8oring as it sounds! AG: May8e AG: If you're not too freaked out 8y all the 8ad things I've done........ AG: Or the fact that I am an alien AG: We could go on a d8? ::::O
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AG: Don't worry, it could 8e a human d8, whatever that entails. AG: No weird alien stuff, I promise! And no killing or murders, or even talking a8out killing or murders and such. Just whatever you like to talk a8out and think is cool. AG: I could even 8e persu8ed to watch more of your a8surd human films. AG: Do you like any others which feature that rugged human with the long hair and wounded arm? AG: You know the one. The sweaty guy with the mutil8ed animal and the speech impediment. AG: Those would 8e tolera8le to watch, I 8et.
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AG: Well, think it over. AG: 8efore I go, I'll get in touch one more time l8er on, when you're alive and may8e have something to say a8out it. AG: Oh yeah........ AG: Sorry a8out your adult male guardian. I wasn't trying to 8e deceptive 8y not telling you. AG: I decided not to, 8ecause I didn't want to 8e the one to make you sad a8out it. AG: Was that selfish of me? I dunno. AG: You would have found out regardless. Like we all did. There are things we care a8out that we just have to leave 8ehind. AG: It just sucks for those who aren't in as much a hurry to leave it all 8ehind as me! AG: W8. AG: Someone's coming, hang on.
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AG: Oh god. AG: She's wearing her RP outfit! What the hell is she up to? AG: Man, she's got her dum8 dragon doll and everything. Guess she means 8usiness this time. AG: Dammit, I've got to go deal with this now. AG: Anyway, if you actually get around to reading any of this, thanks for listening, John. AG: If my outrageously gr8 luck has any say in the matter, we will 8e meeting up in no time! AG: Just please consider what I said. AG: Ok........ AG: L8r! <33333333
But it is the desecration of a priceless timepiece where I must draw the line. I'm afraid I must now insist that you take your beating quite personally.
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TT: vriska, wait! TT: oops, hold on.
tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]
ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] EB: hey, are you there? EB: i did what you said... EB: but i can't tell if it worked. EB: hello? EB: you didn't fly off to fight jack yet, did you? EB: i hope not. EB: anyway, all that stuff you said sounds fun to me, i have hells of the cage flicks in my library. EB: i do not even care that you're an alien! you see, cage is the universal constant which unites us all. EB: well... EB: if you haven't flown away... EB: i will look forward to your message in the future. EB: it would be nice to talk, about... EB: all this stuff that happened. EB: anyway, bye. AG: OH GOD. EB: hey! AG: OH MY FUCKING HELL, THIS IS SO INSANELY AWKWARD AND SAD. EB: what is??? AG: HANG ON
arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB]
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carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] CG: HEY. EB: karkat! EB: that was you? EB: where is vriska? CG: SHE EB: she what? CG: SHIT CG: I FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE FOR READING THIS WHOLE THING. EB: what whole thing? EB: you mean, what she wrote? CG: YEAH EB: why are you snooping around her computer! CG: BECAUSE CG: WOW OK CG: SO LET ME ASK. CG: DID YOU BOTH ACTUALLY LIKE EACH OTHER. EB: um... CG: LIKE I MEAN SOMETHING VAGUELY RESEMBLING ACTUAL GENUINE MUTUAL SENTIMENT OR WHATEVER, NOT SOME LOPSIDED PINING BULLSHIT. EB: what are you talking about? CG: DID YOU LIKE HER, YOU WINDSOCK HEADED SHITMOUTH. CG: IS WHAT I'M ASKING EB: well... EB: yeah. why? CG: OK CG: THAT'S FINE CG: THEN CG: WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER. EB: talk about what? CG: I NEED YOU TO BE ABLE TO THINK STRAIGHT. CG: WE HAVE IMPORTANT SHIT TO GO OVER, AND I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.
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EB: alright. EB: like what? CG: PLANS. EB: what plans? CG: NEVER MIND THAT. FIRST, GET OUT OF THE FUCKING BLACKOUT TO A PLACE WHERE I CAN SEE YOU. CG: LEAVE NOW, I'LL CONTACT YOU IN A WHILE, ONCE YOU'VE LANDED. EB: landed where? CG: LOHAC. OBVIOUSLY. EB: oh, obviously. CG: WELL HOW ELSE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO CAUSE THE SCRATCH, IDIOT. CG: DO YOU EVEN HAVE ANY CLUE WHAT'S GOING ON? CG: WAIT, OF COURSE YOU DON'T, YOU ARE WEARING PAJAMAS AND GIGGLING AT CLOUDS LIKE EACH ONE WAS SHAPED LIKE THE RUDEST BIT OF NAKED ANATOMY A HUMAN CAN RECOGNIZE. EB: no i'm not! EB: i mean, yes, i am wearing some pretty nice pajamas. EB: but i know lots of things, like about the tumor, which i have already recovered... EB: wait, i mean <color=000000>the tumor</color> EB: wait, fuck. EB: i mean... EB: oh screw it, you know, the big bomb, and some other stuff like that, i am totally in the loop. CG: GREAT, AWESOME, NOW GET GOING. EB: so i have to cause the scratch, huh? CG: OK, I'M DONE HERE. TALK TO YOU IN ONE SECOND FOR ME, ONE LONG WINDY FUCKING JOURNEY FOR YOU.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB]
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] CG: OK EB: hi!
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CG: LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS. EB: aren't you going to ask me how my journey was? CG: NO. EB: it was long! and windy. but a lot of fun. EB: i really like flying, it's so much fun. CG: OH, I BET IT IS JUST THE BIGGEST FUCKING BLAST A GUY CAN HAVE WITHOUT A PAIR OF SHAME GLOBES SECURED IN HIS TWO TREMBLING FISTS. EB: you... haven't tried it? CG: EVERY DOUCHE GOT TO FLY BUT ME, EVEN THE CRIPPLE. CG: MAY HE REST IN PEACE, I FUCKING GUESS. EB: :\ EB: wait, is that the guy who vriska killed? CG: OH GOD, YOU ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT THAT? CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, I GIVE THE FUCK UP TRYING TO UNDERSTAND YOU AND HER. EB: haha, why? CG: EGBERT, GOD DAMNIT. WILL YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND LISTEN? EB: ok. EB: but... EB: is something wrong? CG: WHAT EB: a while ago you talked to me and it sounded like you were in danger, and it sounds like some people died, but you never told me what happened! EB: then i got distracted by a lot of crazy stuff. CG: YEAH, SOMETHING IS WRONG CG: OR, WAS. CG: A BUNCH OF US DIED, THE END. CG: I DON'T REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. EB: oh. EB: are you sure? CG: YES, AND NOT JUST BECAUSE, OH, THE CLOCK IS RAPIDLY TICKING DOWN TO SOMETHING WE'RE CALLING THE CRITICAL MOMENT, AND NO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, SO CLOSE YOUR REEKING QUESTION GEYSER BEFORE IT ASKS. EB: but, i'm your friend. aren't i? CG: OH GOD. EB: well? CG: JOHN, I CAN'T HANDLE TALKING ABOUT IT, OK. CG: I JUST GOT DONE CG: UH CG: DEALING WITH GAMZEE CG: AND I'M FEELING PRETTY EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT. SO PLEASE, NO. EB: who is gamzee? CG: HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND. EB: really? i thought terezi was your best friend. EB: or wait, maybe she was your girlfriend, i forget... CG: MY THINK PAN, IT HURTS CG: IT IS PRESENTLY THREATENING TO MAKE ME ITS BITCH, JOHN. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? CG: DO YOU WANT YOUR COOL ALIEN PAL TO BECOME THE BITCH OF A RAW, THROBBING THINK PAN????? CG: SUCH IS THE SCENARIO BEFORE US. EB: sorry, i don't mean to be nosy. i just want to know some things about your situation! EB: i am concerned. CG: GAMZEE WAS MY VERY GOOD FRIEND, WHO WAS THIS GOOFY LOVEABLE BULLSHIT CLOWN UNTIL HE WENT PSYCHO AND KILLED SOME PEOPLE. I LIKED HIM A LOT. CG: I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS MY BEST FRIEND IS REALLY JUST THE GUY WHO I HAPPEN TO BE FEELING MOST SENTIMENTAL TO AT THE MOMENT, IS THAT A FUCKING CRIME. EB: heh, no. EB: i think i know how you feel. EB: so he killed some people... and then what? CG: SO THEN I EB: it's ok, you can tell me. CG: JOHN, TRUST ME. YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND. CG: IT'S JUST A TROLL THING, HUMANS WOULDN'T GET IT. CG: YOU MIGHT THINK I WAS A SHIT HEAD, AND I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT NOW ON TOP OF EVERYTHING, SO LET'S DROP IT. EB: hmm. EB: ok, if you say so. EB: oh!!! EB: i can't believe i almost forgot, i've been dying to know since i left the battlefield... EB: do you know if rose is ok? EB: did it work???
|PESTERLOG|
CG: SHE'S FINE. CG: SHE WOKE UP ALIVE ON DERSE. EB: really?? CG: THAT'S THE RULE, JOHN. YOU KISS A DEAD PLAYER IN TIME, AND THEIR DREAM SELF TAKES OVER, ASSUMING THEY STILL HAVE ONE. EB: oh, wow. CG: IT'S INCREDIBLE YOU REACHED GOD TIER STATUS WITHOUT EVEN UNDERSTANDING THE MORE MUNDANE MEANS OF RESURRECTION AVAILABLE. CG: WAIT, YOUR UNFAILING CLUELESSNESS MAKES IT THE OPPOSITE OF INCREDIBLE, MY MISTAKE. EB: so, i guess... EB: it would not have worked on my dad then? EB: or rose's mom... :( CG: NO, BUT THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TO PICTURE HAPPENING BEHIND THE BLACK CURTAIN, JOHN. CG: YOU SNOGGING UP YOUR DEAD HATTED MAN LUSUS. THANK YOU FOR THAT MENTAL IMAGE. CG: OR ROSE'S ADULT WOMAN LUSUS. MAYBE A DEAD WOMAN SWEEPS YOUR SENIOR IS MORE YOUR CUP OF SAUCE, SINCE APPARENTLY YOU ARE "NOT A HOMOSEXUAL", WHATEVER THAT EVEN MEANS, NOT EVEN TO SPEAK OF YOUR RACE'S ABSURD QUALMS WITH THE NOTION OF INCEST, WHICH AGAIN, STILL SORT OF WONDERING HOW THAT CAN EVEN BE A THING. EB: er... CG: IS THAT YOUR GAME, EGBERT. HAVE YOU HAD YOUR EYE ON MADAME LALONDE, AND YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR A CONVENIENT RESURRECTION OPPORTUNITY TO BUST OUT YOUR MOST PASSIONATE SMOOCHMOTIFS KEPT IN RESERVE? AND IN FRONT OF HER DEAD FEMALE "OFFSPRING" NO LESS! JUST SHAMEFUL. EB: well... EB: she is a very pretty lady, but that seems like a really inappropriate thing to think about, karkat. CG: YOU DON'T SAY! CG: WHAT ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT ANYMORE EB: i don't know! EB: i am frankly pretty upset about finding them dead in the magic castle, and i guess i was wondering aloud if something could have been done. EB: or at least maybe to talk about it, without angry tirades being involved. CG: EXACTLY, YOU WERE EMBARKING DOWN TRAGEDY LANE, AND WE'VE GOT TO STAMP THAT GARBAGE OUT. CG: WE CAN'T HAVE YOU GETTING ALL MOROSE WHILE WE'VE GOT SO MANY IRONS IN THE FIRE. CG: FUCK, LOADED PHRASE, FORGET I SAID THAT. CG: JUST CLAM YOUR SHIT UP AND FORGET YOUR STUPID GUARDIAN, LIKE I DID WITH MY DEAR CRAB MONSTER CUSTODIAN, WHO I ADORED IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER. EB: you are being a douche!!! EB: wait, what am i saying, you are always a douche, hehe. CG: YES, THANK YOU. EB: heheheheh, your dad was a crab monster? CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP. CG: WE WERE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT. CG: ROSE, REMEMBER. EB: yes. CG: SHE IS WAITING ON DERSE FOR YOUR BOMB TO BE DELIVERED. CG: IT WILL ARRIVE SAFELY, A LITTLE LATER. EB: oh, great! EB: how do you know it gets there? CG: JADE TOLD ME.
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CG: JADE FROM FURTHER AHEAD ON YOUR TIMELINE. CG: BEFORE MY PIECE OF SHIT CLOWN-BRO MADE EVERYTHING TERRIBLE HERE, SHE AND I WERE HAMMERING OUT THESE PLANS. CG: I TALKED TO HER ACROSS PRETTY MUCH THE FULL SPREAD OF HER TIMELINE, UNTIL THE SCRATCH STARTS AND THE FEED CUTS OUT. CG: SO I HAVE A SENSE OF THE WHOLE PICTURE HERE, AND IT'S MY JOB NOW TO PUT SOME THINGS INTO MOTION. EB: that's cool! EB: it's nice to hear you are working together. i should pester jade and see what she's up too... CG: YOU SHOULD SIT YOUR ASS TIGHT AND DO THE FUCK WHAT I TELL YOU THE FUCK TO FUCKING DO. EB: oh... CG: ANYWAY, SHE AND DAVE DO A LOT OF FROG BREEDING, ACCELERATING THE PROCESS SIGNIFICANTLY BY EXPLOITING TIME TRAVEL, WITH HELP FROM ME AND KANAYA, SINCE WE WERE IN CHARGE OF FROG DUTIES IN OUR SESSION. EB: frog duties??? EB: wait, which one is kanaya again? CG: DON'T INTERRUPT, I AM FOLLOWING A TRAIN OF THOUGHT. CG: OK, KANAYA IS MY OTHER BEST FRIEND, AND SHE WAS THE HERO OF SPACE LIKE JADE WHICH MEANS SHE'S THE STOKER OF THE FORGE AND IS BASICALLY IN CHARGE OF FROGS, WHICH SOUNDS RETARDED, I KNOW. YOU BREED THE RIGHT FROG TO MAKE THE UNIVERSE YOU WANT TO MAKE, WHICH IS A LONG ARDUOUS PROCESS AND I KIND OF FUCKED IT UP IN MY GAME, BUT THAT'S A WHOLE OTHER STORY WHICH I'LL GET TO LATER, OK? EB: wow. ok. CG: SHE AND DAVE RAN INTO JACK, WHICH I'M SURE HE MUST HAVE SAW COMING BECAUSE I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE EXPLOIT TIME TRAVEL SO SHAMELESSLY AS HIM, NOT EVEN ARADIA. EB: aradia? CG: JUST ANOTHER DEAD TROLL, WHO CARES. EB: :( CG: STOP FROWNING, SHE WAS ALREADY DEAD BEFORE SHE DIED. EB: ... EB: :( CG: SO SHE AND DAVE FOUGHT WITH HIM A WHILE, AND LONG STORY SHORT, HE DIED. EB: what!!! CG: BUT IT'S FINE, I GUESS THAT WAS HIS PLAN, LIKE SOME BIZARRE USELESS LAST STAND, EVEN IF HE DIDN'T TELL JADE WHO WAS PRETTY FREAKED OUT UNTIL I TALKED HER THROUGH IT. EB: did she kiss him too? :O
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CG: YEAH. CG: RIGHT THERE, WHILE JACK WATCHED LIKE A FUCKING CREEP. CG: BUT IT WORKED. EB: omg, karkat. it is like your shitty shipping grid is coming true before our very eyes. EB: haha, remember when you made that ugly thing? CG: WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT SHIPPING, OR MY LUDICROUS STRANGLEHOLD OVER ALL TOPICS CONCERNING ROMANCE, I'M STILL TALKING. CG: HE WOKE UP ALIVE ON DERSE, AND MET WITH ROSE. CG: THAT WAS THE END OF THE LINE FOR ALPHA DAVE. TO MY KNOWLEDGE, HE DOESN'T TIME TRAVEL AFTER THAT, AND HE AND ROSE STAY ON DERSE WAITING FOR THE BOMB UNTIL YOU START THE SCRATCH. BUT I CAN'T SEE EITHER OF THEM BECAUSE OF THE BLACKOUT LINGERING AROUND ROSE FOR WHATEVER REASON. NOBODY KNOWS WHAT'S UP WITH THAT. CG: REGARDLESS, HIS JOB IS TO PLOT A COURSE THROUGH THE RING TO FIND THE SUN. CG: WHEN HE DOES, EITHER HE OR ROSE WILL DELIVER THE BOMB. CG: I DON'T KNOW WHICH.
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EB: but now they don't have dream selves left! EB: who ever goes will be risking their life for good, won't they? CG: THAT WOULD BE THE LOGICAL EXTENSION OF THOSE FACTS, YES. EB: this is unacceptable! EB: couldn't i do it? EB: i am apparently immortal, because of this god tier business, so the bomb probably would not kill me! CG: OK, BUT DON'T YOU THINK THERE'S A REMOTE POSSIBILITY THAT GOING ON A SUICIDE MISSION TO SAVE ALL OF REALITY WOULD COUNT AS A HEROIC DEATH? EB: hmm... EB: maybe i could try to be not all that brave while i do it? CG: YOU ASSHOLE, OF COURSE YOU'D BE BRAVE. THAT TENDS TO BE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING REALLY FUCKING COURAGEOUS. EB: yeah. EB: i just don't want to lose anybody else is all. CG: THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS. I'VE LOST FRIENDS FOR WAY MORE POINTLESS REASONS. YOU'RE ALL OUT OF OPTIONS HERE. CG: YOU'D BE RISKING DEATH JUST AS MUCH AS THEY WOULD, AND THEY'RE BETTER QUALIFIED TO HANDLE THE MISSION AS THE DERSE DREAMERS. CG: JADE'S DREAM SELF IS DEAD TOO, SO SHE'S OUT. OR TO BE MORE SPECIFIC, HER DREAM SELF IS AN OVERLY EMOTIONAL DOG WHO WENT OFF WHIMPERING SOMEWHERE. I'M PRETTY SURE SHE WILL BE COMPLETELY USELESS. EB: oh, yeah. EB: she mentioned something about that. she said she prototyped her dream self?? what happened with that? CG: SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT IT. KIND OF A SORE SUBJECT. EB: why? CG: SHE THINKS SHE'S SELFISH AND COMPLETELY HYSTERICAL AND I GUESS HATES THE PART OF HERSELF SHE REPRESENTS. CG: BUT I MEAN, THE THING IS SHE SPENT A LONG TIME BEING DEAD AND MOVING ON, IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN JUST BRING SOMEBODY BACK AND EXPECT THEM TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ALL THE STUFF YOU THINK IS IMPORTANT. CG: I'VE TRIED TO TELL HER THAT HER SPRITE SELF IS PROBABLY NOWHERE NEAR AS DESPICABLE AS SHE'S MAKING OUT WITH HERSELF TO BE. CG: I MEAN CG: MAKING HERSELF OUT TO BE. CG: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. EB: ... CG: LOOK, I'M JUST SAYING CG: WE'VE ALL GOT FLAWS, EVEN HER CG: AND FOR ALL THE SHIT SHE'S GIVEN ME ON THIS VERY SUBJECT, SHE KEEPS HERSELF DANGLING FROM A VERY HIGH HOOK. CG: SHE'D BE DOING ME A MAJOR PERSONAL SOLID BY MAKING AT LEAST SOME ATTEMPT TO GET HERSELF OFF. CG: WAIT CG: FUCK CG: WHAT DID I JUST SAY EB: wow. CG: I MEANT LET HERSELF OFF. CG: THE HOOK. THE FUCKING HOOK, IT'S A FIGURE OF GODDAMN SPEECH. EB: /raises eyebrows CG: PUT THOSE THE BACK DOWN, BEFORE MY HOT ACID RAGEBREATH BURNS THEM OFF YOUR IDIOTIC FACE. EB: ok, i am putting them back down as not suggestively as possible. CG: WHAT WERE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT, IT WASN'T THIS, WHATEVER THIS IS. EB: what is what this is? CG: IT'S NOTHING, YOU SHIT. IT HAS BEEN THE CONVERSATIONAL EQUIVALENT OF US WHISTLING THROUGH OUR SNORT BARRELS WHILE TOUCHING EACH OTHER INAPPROPRIATELY. EB: was... EB: was that another weird erotic slip of the tongue? CG: NO, THAT WAS ME BEING WORKED UP INTO THIS RIDICULOUS FUCKING CONNIPTION AND SAYING SOMETHING INFLAMMATORY, GOD. HOW DOES THAT NOT BE CLEAR BY NOW??? EB: ok, well, EB: what i am getting from this, aside from the possibility that jade may or may not have kissed dog jade at some point, is that neither of them will be able to help with the bomb plan. CG: THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT! THE PAJAMA PRODIGY USED HIS PUZZLE SPONGE TODAY. CG: BESIDES, JADE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER IMPORTANT PARTS OF THE PLAN. CG: FOR ONE THING, YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT FOR HER TO SEND YOU THE CODE FOR THE QUILLS. CG: YOU CAN'T SCRATCH THE MESA WITHOUT THEM. CG: SHE GOT THEM FROM HER DENIZEN, OR WILL LATER ON HER TIMELINE, NOW THAT SHE LIT THE FORGE AND WOKE THE MONSTER UP. EB: aren't those the really tough to kill guys? CG: YEAH EB: did she kill him? CG: HELL IF I KNOW, HER EXPLANATION OF THE ENTIRE ENCOUNTER BOILED DOWN TO AND I QUOTE "shenanigans" CG: LIMED FOR INFURIATINGLY VAGUE. EB: haha. CG: ANYWAY, AFTER SHE GIVES THAT TO YOU, SHE THEN HAS TO GO THROUGH WITH THE REST OF THE PLAN, WHICH IS MAKING SURE YOU ALL SURVIVE AFTER THE SCRATCH, MINUS ONE OF THE DERSE DREAMERS OF COURSE. CG: THE PLAN REVOLVES AROUND SOME REALLY BAFFLING HAND WAVEY MUMBO JUMBO WHICH I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND, BUT SHE TOLD ME TO TRUST HER ABOUT IT BECAUSE THE INFO COMES FROM A "Reliable informant." CG: WHITENED FOR SMUG TOOL. CG: IT INVOLVES SOMETHING TO DO WITH A YELLOW LAWN RING. CG: WHICH ISN'T THE HUMAN WORD FOR IT, IT'S JUST YOUR WORD IS SO DUMB I FEEL DUMB SAYING IT. EB: word for what? CG: I GUESS YOUR ENTIRE ESCAPE PLAN SOMEHOW PIVOTS CRITICALLY AROUND AN UNWATERED PIECE OF RESIDENTIAL PROPERTY??? CG: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT IT MEANS. JADE SAYS SHE HAS THIS FIGURED OUT, AND I DON'T HAVE TIME TO DO MUCH BUT TRUST HER. CG: THE POINT IS, SHE'S ALL BOOKED UP, AND ALL TOO MORTAL. SO SHE WON'T BE DELIVERING THE BOMB, AND NEITHER WILL YOU. EB: ok, well what about this. EB: since she is mortal, and i am not (sort of), and i don't need to do the scratch for a while, can i go help her? EB: maybe she could use some protection? maybe that is what dave was just trying to do, when he temporarily died. EB: remember, jack is still on the loose! he has killed rose and dave once, and me twice. CG: NO NO NO NO NO NO. CG: SWEET BLEEDING JEGUS, EGBERT, YOU KEEP BRAGGING ABOUT YOUR IMMORTALITY, AND THEN BRAINLESSLY ANNOUNCE PLANS TO GO OFF AND DO SOMETHING HEROIC! YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE THE SHORTEST LIFESPAN OF ANY IMMORTAL IN HISTORY. EB: sorry. :( CG: BESIDES, IT'S A TOTAL NON ISSUE. JACK WOULDN'T HESITATE TO STAB YOU AGAIN, BUT HE WON'T HURT JADE FOR SOME REASON. CG: IF ANYTHING, YOU COULD USE HER PROTECTION. EB: really? CG: I NEVER NOTICED WHEN LOOKING THROUGH HER TIMELINE EARLIER. IT WASN'T UNTIL I WAS TALKING TO HER IN THOSE TIMEFRAMES AND SHE TOLD ME. HE JUST KEEPS FOLLOWING HER AROUND. I CAN SEE HIM OFF IN THE DISTANCE IN SOME FRAMES, JUST LURKING THERE, SHADOWING HER MOVEMENTS. IT'S INCREDIBLY DISTURBING. CG: HE LINGERS AROUND HER UNTIL THE SCRATCH BEGINS AND I LOSE THE FEED, NEVER ONCE DOING ANYTHING THREATENING. SHE SAYS SHE THINKS IT'S BECAUSE JACK INHERITED LOYALTY OF HER LUSUS. CG: IF SHE'S RIGHT, I GUESS HER LUSUS REALLY DID OFFER HER THE MOST PROTECTION POSSIBLE BY PROTOTYPING ITSELF, ALBEIT BY DOOMING US ALL. THE IDIOT. EB: d'aw, that's actually kinda cute. CG: SADLY, HE HOLDS NO SUCH LOYALTY TO ANY OF US HERE. HE REGARDS US ALL AS RIPE FOR THE REPEATED SKEWERING. CG: OH FUCK, MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE ALL JUST DRESSED LIKE JADE?? I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS STROKE OF GENIUS ONLY OCCURRED TO ME NOW. EB: i don't think he would be fooled. dogs have pretty good senses of smell. CG: IT WAS CG: A MOTHERFUCKING CG: JOKE
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CG: ANYWAY, IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE. CG: IF WE CAN RIDE THIS OUT FOR A LITTLE LONGER UNTIL THE CRITICAL MOMENT, AND DAVE/ROSE CAN DESTROY THE SUN, JACK SHOULDN'T BE A THREAT. CG: CONVENIENTLY, IF THEY'RE SUCCESSFUL, THAT WILL SIGNAL THE BEGINNING OF OUR OWN ESCAPE PLAN. EB: what is your plan? CG: APPARENTLY THE EXPLOSION WILL BE SO HUGE, IT WILL BE VISIBLE AT GREAT DISTANCES THROUGHOUT THE FURTHEST RING. CG: EVEN FROM DIFFERENT SESSIONS, LIKE YOURS AND OURS. YOU WON'T GET TO SEE IT BECAUSE BY THEN YOUR SESSION SHOULD BE WIPED OUT BY THE SCRATCH. CG: BUT WE WILL. THE PLAN IS TO USE IT AS A BEACON, AND TRAVEL THERE AS A RENDEZVOUS POINT. EB: rendezvous with who? CG: WE'VE GOT PEOPLE THERE. THAT'S WHAT JADE TELLS ME. EB: jade knows so many things lately, what is even her deal? CG: HELL IF I KNOW, THIS IS BASICALLY DREAM INTELLIGENCE, EVERY TIME SHE GOES TO SLEEP, SHE HAS MORE TO RAMBLE ABOUT. CG: SHE SAYS I SHOULD GO TO SLEEP TO FIND OUT, BUT I'M LIKE HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO BE NAPPING BETWEEN MAKING ALL THESE PLANS AND GETTING PERSECUTED BY THIS DEMENTED HONKING ASSHOLE? CG: SO YEAH, WE'LL MEET IN THE AFTERMATH OF THE EXPLOSION WITH OUR PEOPLE ON THE INSIDE, OR I GUESS I SHOULD SAY OUTSIDE. CG: I DON'T THINK THEY CAN COME WITH US THOUGH. EB: come with you where? who are they? CG: DEAD PEOPLE. CG: AS FOR WHERE, IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE GOING TO STICK AROUND THERE FOREVER. THAT WOULD PROBABLY BE DEPRESSING, SINCE WE'RE NOT FUCKING GHOSTS. CG: THE SCRATCH WILL REBOOT YOUR SESSION. YOUR WHOLE UNIVERSE ACTUALLY. SO SOMEWHERE IN THIS DREADFUL ABYSS, THAT NEW SESSION WILL START UP IN ITS OWN INCIPISPHERE, FROM SCRATCH. CG: LOOK AT THAT, ANOTHER PUN BECAUSE OF USING THAT FUCKING WORD EVERY OTHER SENTENCE! KILL ME NOW. CG: BUT THAT "FROM SCRATCH" (F'ING LOL!) SESSION IS WHAT YOU'RE SHOOTING FOR TO SURVIVE. CG: THE IDEA IS FOR YOU ALL TO PRESERVE YOURSELVES BY ESCAPING THERE. EB: through the lawn ring? CG: YES. CG: ONCE YOU'RE THERE, YOU WILL HELP US FIND OUR WAY THERE TOO, AND THEN WE CAN ALL FINALLY FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK TO DO WITH THE REST OF OUR LIVES. EB: oh!! EB: so then, this is how we're supposed to meet. that is kind of exciting. CG: YEAH, I GUESS, IF ENOUGH OF US ARE ALIVE BY THEN TO MEET. EB: so, i guess you are not worried about it turning into a huge sloppy makeout fest anymore... CG: UH CG: RIGHT! HAHAHA, JOHN, YOU AND VRISKA BETTER KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELVES, OR EVERYONE'S GOING TO BE REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. NO INTERSPECIES FUNNYBUSINESS, IS THAT CLEAR! CG: BLAAAAAAARGH, I AM CONVINCINGLY FLIPPING MY LID ABOUT THIS, WAVING MY ARMS AROUND A LOT, AND MAKING ALL MY BEST YELLING FACES. WOW, LOOK AT THAT! IT'S TIME TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT AGAIN. EB: huh? CG: POOF! SUBJECT CHANGED. CG: IF IT WORKS AND YOU WIND UP IN THE NEW SESSION, THAT'S WHY IT'LL BE IMPORTANT TO MAKE SURE ONE OF THE DERSE DREAMERS STAYS WITH YOU, SO THEY CAN HELP GUIDE US THERE FROM THE RING. EB: won't there be other players in the new session? EB: like, alternate universe versions of ourselves or such? CG: PROBABLY. CG: BUT THOSE CHUMPS WON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT US, OR ALL OUR PLANS. WHY WOULD THEY? EB: yeah... it's just kind of a weird thought. CG: SO OUT OF EVERYTHING WE JUST TALKED ABOUT, THIS IS THE THING THAT HAS YOU TRIPPING GLOBES? WHATEVER YOU SAY! EB: but i guess it's sort of comforting too. EB: if rose or dave have to go off and die, at least i get to see them again, in a way. EB: even if i will only be alternate universe john to them. EB: maybe my dad will be alive in that session too!!! CG: OK, MAYBE, BUT BEFORE YOU GET TOO EXCITED ABOUT THAT, YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE SURE YOU GET THERE FIRST. CG: WHICH MEANS YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT I SAY, AND STICK TO THE PLAN. CG: YOU NEED TO FOCUS ON GETTING READY TO START THE SCRATCH. THE GAME DOESN'T MAKE A HARD RESET THAT EASY TO PULL OFF. CG: ONCE YOU INITIATE IT, THE GAME THROWS EVERYTHING IT'S GOT AT YOU. WHICH IS ONE REASON WHY YOU'RE THE BEST GUY FOR THE JOB, BECAUSE OF YOUR SUPERPOWERS AND SILLY WINDY BULLSHIT. EB: ok. i'll do my best. EB: what should i do right now? CG: GET PREPARED, MAKE ALL THE EQUIPMENT YOU THINK YOU'LL NEED, STAY OUT OF TROUBLE. CG: WAIT FOR JADE TO SEND THAT CODE, WAIT FOR ME TO CONTACT YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME, AND DO YOUR BEST TO HUMOR HIM WHILE HE IGNORANTLY ATTEMPTS TO FLAME YOU BACK INTO THE PUDDLE OF SLIME YOU CRAWLED OUT OF. CG: PLEASE. EB: oh, man. EB: our "first" conversation ever? i can't wait. CG: YEAH, BUT CAN I JUST SAY SOMETHING IN MY DEFENSE BEFORE THAT HAPPENS? CG: I DON'T ACTUALLY HATE YOU, AND I NEVER DID. I WAS DELUDING MYSELF. CG: DEEP DOWN I'M SURE I WAS ALWAYS PRETTY OK WITH YOU. EB: thanks karkat! CG: IT WASN'T A FUCKING COMPLIMENT.
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TG: this huge fuckin whopper im about to just say TT: You mean a canard of behemothic embellishment? TG: what TT: Or was your resolve finally dismantled by the siren's song of all that flame broiled beef? TG: no no TG: ok first do you even have burger kings out in the fucking woods TG: why do you reference things that obviously arent in the woods like terrible burgers TT: I'll limit my establishments of reference to lumber mills and sugar shanties from now on. TT: Also, there's a Burger King less than forty minutes from my house. I won't let this stand in the way of the new policy though. TG: there is TG: ok whatever TG: im talking about a dream i just had TG: i mean it was a doozy like psychologically speaking TG: doozy is a slightly dumber word than whopper TT: Certainly less delicious. TG: it was absurdly heavy handed my subconscious was really slathering it on TG: like whatever tangy sludge the king himself squirts on his bargain patties TG: its possible that i dreamt it ironically i dunno TG: i figured youd be interested in hearing about it its every bit as thick and juicy as a half pound of sizzling grade A premium ok this is stupid weve got to get burgers out of this conversation TG: are you busy TT: Yes. TG: cool listen to this
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TT: I thought you didn't want me to analyze your dreams anymore. TG: no but this one is too good not to put under the microscope with your whole precocious psychotherapy shtick its almost laughably symbolic of all my mental problems assuming i actually have those TG: its grotesquely pregnant with meaning TG: all gestating at least 8 gooey octuplets thrashing around in an undulating belly full of mind slime TT: Maybe we can start by evaluating that troubling metaphor. TG: no look TG: i just want your professional take on how many things in my dream symbolize dicks TT: We've already established that all of your dreams are packed with enough homoerotic symbolism to lift Freudian theory from the ashes of discreditation. TG: yeah thats a given but i didnt even dream about puppets this time TT: Are you serious? TT: I'm clearing my schedule. This is a major breakthrough. TG: i know TG: it was so much more relaxing and enjoyable TG: it was about me dying repeatedly
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TT: Go on. TG: i was in this dark place surrounded by this big flock of crows TG: god this is so generically morbid TG: im sorry in advance for exposing you to my unconscious minds retarded cliches TT: It's ok. TT: They wouldn't be cliches if they didn't comprise the unanimously understood bedrock of phallic symbolism, with no other viable interpretation. TG: well obviously i knew the birds were just black screaming sky dongs just hear me out TG: i kept dying TG: there kept being these traps like i would go one way and get my head chopped off TG: or go another way and get stabbed or whatever TG: and every time i died the dream reset itself and i was standing there alive and ready to try to escape again TG: but each time i would be watching myself from the vantage point of a different crow TG: like i was the crow all squawking around in circles like a macabre flapping douche TG: and i would always watch myself try to do something different to dodge the trap but i always ended up dead TT: Hm. TT: Well, if I've learned anything from my extensive skimming over the Wikipedia articles on dream analysis, TT: It's that this dream is very unlikely to have any literal significance whatsoever. TT: It's probably not about dying at all. TG: you mean maybe its about anxiety over maintaining my blogs TG: or that my beats might not be ill enough TT: Yes. In fact, if you were on my couch that would have been my next question, as a licensed professional. TT: "Mr. Strider, have you considered that what you actually dread is to have your urban rhythms exposed for what they truly are, which is, clinically speaking, just shy of 'da bomb'?" TG: and then we crack up laughing cause we both know theyre fresher than your moms change of drawers and tighter than when shes wearin them TT: Listening to you conjure imagery of my mother in her underpants is definitely keeping us buoyed high above this swirling Freudian hellhole. TT: Well done. TG: please its not like shes my mom i can visualize her choice ass all i want without it gettin much more than moderately uncomfortable for everyone involved TT: What if you're wrong? TG: about what TT: Her not being your mother. TG: uh TT: Don't worry, you're probably safe. Luckily I can think of no literary or historical precedent for that sort of folly whatsoever. TG: this isnt the first time youve insinuated were related what is up with that TT: Isn't it? TG: no TG: i mean TG: im not sure TG: i feel like youve brought it up before which is kind of weird but now i dont know TG: i think im getting this weird deja vu thing where i was sure we talked about this TG: forget it TT: Why don't you tell me more about your dream? TG: ok TG: so i kept dying and kept being crows and stuff TG: and then i started to notice something coming from the sky TG: it was this faint eerie singing and i look up and theres nothing there just darkness TT: That's interesting. TT: I've read about this. TG: what did you read TT: Certain texts say singing from the unknowable void carries a message. TT: That its recipient has been selected for a mission of supreme cosmic importance, that will result in your death and that of billions more. TT: But one that is essential to the perpetuation of existence itself. TG: what the fuck sort of crackpot psychology text would say something like that TT: It's not from a psychology text. TG: so then youre consulting astrology books now TT: Not astrology. TT: More like, TT: Zoology. TG: oh my fucking god will you put that away TT: Ok. TT: Keep describing the dream, though. TT: If the rest of it is incompatible with prognoses of the zoologically dubious, I will withdraw my insinuation. TG: theres not even much more to it TG: i looked up into the sky TG: didnt see anyone singing TG: but even though the sky was black i could see the sun TG: it was bright as hell even through my shades TG: so i flapped my wings and flew up away to it like a fucking piece of garbage TG: and thats it TT: This doesn't strike you as an impulse of self destruction? TG: no TG: not in the sense that it was a dark sacrificial zoology mission TG: it was more like somewhere to go besides watching myself die a lot from the vantage of a feathery murder of dumb shitty birds TT: So, if hypothetically you were to accept such a mission, or even insist upon one, it wouldn't be in the spirit of genuine sacrifice, but of escape? TG: what the fuck are you talking about TG: ok somethings wrong TG: this whole conversation is falling apart this isnt how it originally went at all TT: Aw. We were making good progress, too. TT: Why did you have to go and remember? TG: this happened months ago TG: does this mean im dead
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TT: What do you think? TG: stop it TG: this is so sick you using the dream bubble bullshit to pick apart my psyche TG: am i dead or asleep TT: If you're starting to remember, you should be able to tell me. TG: god dammit TT: Maybe I'm just as confused as you about it? TG: yeah right TT: Am I dead or asleep, Dave? TG: i dont know TT: Try to remember.
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GT: excuse me, alien time troll, but i am TRYING to wrap a present. GT: really, you all have the worst timing. AG: Yes, I can see that. Two ugly garments, and seeds for some kind of strange earth vegeta8le? Pretty lame present, John!!!!!!!! GT: nope, not going to ask how you know my name, or what i'm sending, don't care. GT: and one of these ugly garments is for me, also, it's not ugly, it's awesome. AG: Not as awesome as something you will 8e wearing later, thanks to me. GT: uh oh, my mouse is hovering dangerously close to the block button! GT: it always does that when i talk to trolls, it is the dangdest thing. AG: Calm down, I just thought I would foreshadow my existence to you at this quaint moment on your timeline. AG: It is way too tempting not to let you know I have taken gr8 care to 8ecome a very important feature of your life. AG: Or for that matter, to let you know that I will 8e giving you a present so much 8etter than the useless crap you're shoving in that 8ox. AG: I will 8e giving you the gift of immortality! GT: oh sweet, that has been on my wish list, ranking just below a mint condition little monsters poster, starring hollywood superstar, howie mandel. GT: can i expect it to arrive on my next birthday?? AG: Yes, as a matter of fact. Nice guess! AG: It will come at a cost though. GT: the mandel poster, or immortality? AG: The latter, jackass! AG: In order for you to claim it, you will have to 8e quite gulli8le and allow me to arrange your murder. GT: i see, here is where all the sick trolling begins! GT: you can keep your present, i am not interested. AG: 8ut you will 8e! You will happily go along with everything I tell you to do. AG: And then, once I have completely earned your trust, I will kill you John. ::::) GT: sigh... GT: the other troll i just talked to was way better, if a tad grumpy, at least she was down with talking about cool movies, sort of. AG: 8ut this is all true. I've seen it already. You have no idea how delicious the dramatic irony is right now! AG: You will die. I will lead you into a trap, and watch you 8leed to death on a 8ig stone sla8 with a sword stuck in your chest. AG: There is nothing you can do a8out it. In fact, it has already happened! GT: that's nice. now scram, troll! AG: I'll leave you alone soon enough. AG: I was just feeling pretty pleased with myself, a8out all the 8rilliant plans I made for you and your friends. AG: Stopping 8y in your past to mess with your head is really just a courtesy, 8ecause I like to think we're pretty good friends 8y the time I get around to killing you. ::::D GT: ok, you got me! GT: my feathers are all ruffled, and i can no longer tell my ass apart from a big orange earth vegetable! GT: now can you leave me alone? AG: I guess so. AG: 8ut my inevita8le grisly murder of you notwithstanding, you're a pretty fun guy to hassle. It'll 8e difficult sparing you from the privilege of my company until your game 8egins. GT: that is basically the worst pickup line i have ever heard. AG: Please, John. As if there is any conceiva8le sequence of events which could lead me to consider you as a via8le romantic partner, in any quadrant. Even the pale ones. GT: blurp durp bluh, more plausible alien sounding things. GT: weren't you leaving? AG: Yes. GT: ok then... AG: I mean, I was going to. AG: 8ut now I guess I'm not. GT: oh. GT: why? AG: 8ecause this isn't really happening. GT: it isn't? AG: It did, once. AG: 8ut now it's just a memory. AG: I guess I must 8e dead.
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GT: ok. GT: is this conversation over now? can i keep packing my present? AG: The conversation as it went 8efore is already over. I said good8ye, and you 8locked me. Don't you remem8er? GT: well, GT: i was going to block you. but then... GT: i didn't for some reason. AG: Exactly. 8ecause we've already 8een through this. You're either asleep, or dead like me. AG: Man! I can't 8elieve I let her trick me like that. Such an amateur mistake. GT: i guess i am feeling something like deja vu... maybe. GT: i still don't think i believe you, though. AG: Hey........ AG: Do you have any recollection at all of the last message I sent you 8efore I died? GT: i don't even know who you are!!! AG: Yeah, I figured. Just as well. I made some pretty em8arrassing confessions to you. AG: I guess I'm getting what I asked for in a way. Even though it's not what I pictured. GT: what did you ask for? AG: I asked you if you wanted to........ AG: You know. AG: Hang out. GT: was this after you killed me, and gave me immortality? AG: Yes. AG: So what do you say? AG: Or, what do you think you might have said? GT: about what? GT: you mean, hanging out? AG: Yeah. GT: oh god, this is so ridiculous. you are just a crazy troll on the internet, and i need to get back to packing up this present for my friend! we are not going to hang out, i'm sorry. AG: John, there is no present! You are not in your hive, and you don't have anything to send. She received it a long time ago. None of this matters anymore. AG: If you don't 8elieve me, you are free to look out your window. GT: what will that accomplish? AG: It might help you remem8er. AG: And........ AG: You will 8e a8le to see me. AG: If you want.
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AC: :33 < jaspers i guess i should say furwell to you now :(( JASPERSPRITE: Why nepeta? AC: :33 < beclaws this is the end of your timeline and i dont know what catpuns to you after this AC: :33 < i mean happens to you after this, heheh, that one was kind of obtuse, sorry JASPERSPRITE: Whats a timeline? :3 AC: :33 < hmmmmmm thats a hard question AC: :33 < ok imagine a long tempting strand of yarn JASPERSPRITE: Yes! Oh yes so great. AC: :33 < now imagine instead of being made of wiggly enticing stuff, its made of what lets you exist AC: :33 < and you are right at the twitching tip of it, dont you s33? look at the sky! JASPERSPRITE: Meow yes i see the sky and can tell that indeed something is going on. JASPERSPRITE: But aside from that i dont really understand what you said being a cat and all. AC: :33 < thats fine, you dont have to try too hard AC: :33 < all you have to know is its the scratch and im not a hundred purrcent sure what happens next fur you JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr i still think its nice how you slip cat things in the things you say youre so clever and wonderful nepeta! AC: :33 < h33h33h33 :DD JASPERSPRITE: Whats the scratch? :3 AC: :33 < well you know roses friend john? JASPERSPRITE: Yes of course! AC: :33 < imagine that he is using this great big circle like a really fun scratching post, and it makes all this light come out that changes everything AC: :33 < just after he starts doing that the sky goes funny everywhere and then i cant s33 you anymore JASPERSPRITE: Yes. :3 AC: :33 < thats what it is JASPERSPRITE: I think i understand that completely! AC: :33 < im a bit nervous for you, especially since you remind me so much of someone i already lost AC: :33 < but maybe youll be ok? i dont know JASPERSPRITE: Im not worried nepeta so you shouldnt either its not as if i have never died before. AC: :33 < you are a brave kitty, just like pounce was <33 JASPERSPRITE: Pounce was a cat like me? AC: :33 < yes! she was amazing, i bet you and she would have gotten along famousely JASPERSPRITE: Ooh i bet youre right! Purr purr. JASPERSPRITE: Was she nice to sniff? AC: :33 < yes she smelled really good, and also, she was SUPER beautyifful. JASPERSPRITE: Wow! AC: :33 < did you ever have someone nice back on earth who you loved? JASPERSPRITE: Rose!!!!! I loved rose. :3 AC: :33 < h33h33, of course you did. i mean a nice cat who was your matesprit? JASPERSPRITE: There was a time i remember i was thinking about girl cats a lot for some reason. JASPERSPRITE: I would saunter around the house making all these big meows and looking out the windows with my nose touching the glass. JASPERSPRITE: But then roses mom took me to this place where i was scared to be for a while and then when i was at home again i didnt do the meows anymore. JASPERSPRITE: I guess i didnt think about the girl cats after that which is just as well because none ever came to the windows really not even when i did my biggest meows. AC: :33 < thats too bad AC: :33 < but i bet lots of girl cats would have loved to be with you, if only there had b33n some around to hear your lovely meows :33 JASPERSPRITE: Youre really nice to say so nepeta what about you though? AC: :33 < me? JASPERSPRITE: Yes. :3 AC: :33 < well AC: :33 < i have never told anybody this not even my moirail AC: :33 < heh, actually hes the LAST guy i might tell, he so wouldnt appurrve X33 AC: :33 < but yes i have liked somebody for quite some time, but alas he doesnt know it JASPERSPRITE: What dont you tell him? AC: :33 < hmmmmm JASPERSPRITE: Maybe you can win his affection by rubbing your cheek against him thats what i would do. AC: :33 < ohhh no no no, im too shy even for that! AC: :33 < and he is so adorably grumpy all the time, it probably wouldnt go over well AC: :33 < its hard to explain, maybe cats think diffurntly, but trolls tend to be pretty cautious about expressing their f33lings when it comes to the flushed quadrant JASPERSPRITE: Whats a quadrant? AC: :33 < it is AC: :33 < ummmmmmmm AC: :33 < okay it has romantic applications but it is also something more general than that AC: :33 < a quadrant is AC: :33 < how do i say this! JASPERSPRITE: :3 AC: :33 < a quadrant is a thing in a group of things that consists of four similar things JASPERSPRITE: Like paws? AC: :33 < EXACTLY like paws!!! :DD JASPERSPRITE: I see thats really easy to get. JASPERSPRITE: I think you should tell him that you like him you might not get the chance if you dont. JASPERSPRITE: For instance i think instead of meowing at windows i should have just scurried out a door before it could close! JASPERSPRITE: Then i might have found a girl cat to sniff oh well. :3 AC: :33 < i know, but its just not that simple. i could make someone else jealous i think, and what if he doesnt f33l the same way, and, urrgh, its so complickated AC: :33 < maybe i just n33d to let go of the silly infatuation AC: :33 < i think its never going to happen honestly JASPERSPRITE: You shouldnt lose hope! JASPERSPRITE: I have another story that might give you hope even though it should be noted again that im only a cat. AC: :33 < oh? JASPERSPRITE: Yes one time i was with rose and i was sitting there dressed up in my suit with her as happy as can be. JASPERSPRITE: But then she disappeared! JASPERSPRITE: The whole place disappeared and i was in another place. There was no rose there was someone else. JASPERSPRITE: I guess i loved her too in time but never as much as rose it just wasnt the same. JASPERSPRITE: I kept waiting to see rose again but never did and finally i lost hope that i would and then i died. JASPERSPRITE: But then i became alive again and i got to see her and i was so happy! Purr purr purr purr purr. JASPERSPRITE: Thats my story and thats why i think theres always hope even if you die. AC: :33 < so, youre saying that maybe i will have to die to get to be with him? JASPERSPRITE: Yes maybe. :3 AC: :33 < i hope thats not the case! AC: :33 < but i guess you just have a different way of looking at things AC: :33 < thank you for the advice jaspers! JASPERSPRITE: Purrrrr.
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TG: i remember waking up here TG: after getting shot TT: Yes. TT: What else? TG: then the cage bunny came TG: he gave us the bomb TG: whered he go anyway TT: She's around. TG: the bunnys a she TT: Her name is Liv Tyler. TG: dumb TT: Take it up with John. TT: What else? TG: we were talking about who should go TT: Do you remember what we decided? TG: no TG: wait TG: wasnt i going to go TG: is that what happened did i go and now im dead TT: Not quite. TG: whats not quite TG: that i didnt go or that im not dead TT: Do you remember anything else? TG: no TT: What about why you went to fight Jack? TG: sure TG: i did that TG: because i wanted to TG: and because i was supposed to TT: Are you sure? TG: yeah i saw my future self fighting him so obviously that had to happen or else id be dead anyway TG: without even getting the satisfaction of standing up to him TT: So was your decision a result of desire or obligation? TG: hard to explain TG: with all the time shit going on TG: i dont try to understand your light shit do i TT: I don't know much about the Light Shit, to be honest. TT: I may have missed my chance to figure it out. TG: havent we had this conversation already TT: Mostly. TT: I'm doing what I can to jog your memory. TG: its jogging i guess TG: its manboobs are jiggling a little TT: Nice. TT: So what about Jade? TG: what TT: You didn't tell her your expedition with her would result in your death, let alone one she'd inadvertently cause. TT: Or that she'd be stuck with the job of resuscitating you. Did you? TG: what am i really supposed to say TG: hey were gonna hunt frogs til you shoot me through the jack TG: then i die and youve got to make out with me TG: that kind of changes how the whole thing goes doesnt it TT: Not if you're "supposed to," right? TG: what does that even mean TT: I guess you're right. No reason to make an effort to empathize if doing so comes at the price of oblivion. TG: wtf TT: It must be comforting to have your ASPD tacitly supported by predestination. TG: aspd TT: Antisocial personality disorder. TG: oh no TG: this conversation just got bumrushed by a mudslide of fucking awful TT: It wasn't already awful, believing you might be dead? TG: you dont know anything TG: about what i was feeling or what happened on lofaf TG: you were all pavement faced and babbling your throefester speak and flipping off the shit with your own crazy deathwish thing why do you think you know what was going through my head TG: youre just assuming and throwing around psyche buzzwords like aspd complex disorder TT: So it's a disorder, a complex, and then a disorder again for good measure? TG: in your case probably TT: Sounds like a positively delirious state of existence. TG: its some delirious biznasty alright TT: Oh... snap? TG: yes ima authorize a GOD DAMN you may swipe it at the door to check yourself into the burn ward TT: Might you loosen the purse strings on an "Oh no he didn't?" TG: nah those are kept in emergency reserve for yo mama jokes from the 90s TG: anyway TG: im telling you if i said anything at all about it she probably doesnt even fire her gun once and all im doing is dragging her into a doomed timeline with me TT: I guess I'm learning to be impressed by your sense of obligation to inevitable misfortune. It's a strange case of inspiration through futility. TG: none of this is that big a deal TG: i just mentioned the basics to her TG: that id stop time traveling soon TG: break out of the loops TG: not have to wonder all the time if i was taking a wrong turn and dooming everybody TG: i was never that cool with this TT: With what, exactly? TG: you know how you turned out to be this incredibly shitty seer of light and basically failed at that in every way imaginable TT: Hey! TG: well maybe i never wanted to be a knight of time TG: maybe id rather just be like TG: the dave of guy TG: you know just some dude TT: These really do not sound like the words of someone ready to face his own death. TT: The kind you don't wake up from, I mean. TG: i guess not TG: guess i failed my quest then TG: so im like TG: now what bitches TG: to nobody in particular i guess TT: The unseen bitches callously conspiring to expect greatness from you? TG: yes those exact bitches TT: If that's how you feel, TT: Then why did you insist on going on the mission to deliverTheTumor? TT: Black-and-whitened for giant yin-yang bomb.
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TG: oh yeah TG: i remember that now TG: then i guess thats what happened TG: i delivered the bomb and now i must be dead TT: Are you sure? TG: is that wrong TT: Maybe you should try to answer the question. Why did you want to go? TG: because i made the map so i know how to get there better TT: But it seems simple enough. A set of bearings to follow. TT: See? The application pilots the moon. Change course when necessary. Anyone can do it, really. TT: We talked about this. Debated, if you recall. TG: ok if you remember it all so clearly why are you grilling me on this shit TG: will you just tell me whats going on TT: I'm just seeing if you can remember. And if you're sticking to your story, about why you should be the one to go. TG: well i am TG: because i should TG: or should have TG: man what the fuck is going on TG: am i dead or are you dead or what TT: You're almost there, really. Just try to remember a little more. TT: What happened after we decided you'd go? TG: uh TG: oh yeah TG: we were trying to figure out a way to detach the moon TG: so i could pilot it out there TG: fly it into the sun
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TG: but the chain was huge TG: couldnt think of how to break it TG: then out of nowhere this sword appears in the thing TG: so im thinking obviously i have to break the sword somehow TG: because thats all i fucking do is break swords
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TG: but as im thinking of how to do it i put my hand on it TG: and it just snaps off with this comical shattering noise TG: like i just fucked up some priceless shit in the louvre
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TG: then i took it and sliced the chain TG: like this TG: damn TG: it still cuts like its plowing through a shaft of boneless zombie meat TT: Careful. TT: I just managed to quell my appetite after all that burger talk. TG: whoops TG: yeah
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TG: so then TG: the moon started drifting away TG: and i was going to fly up TG: and take it to the sun TG: and i said something to you TG: or i was going to TG: like say bye or something TG: but you were just standing there not saying anything TG: holding that ball of yarn
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TG: come on TG: knocking me out so you can steal the suicide mission TG: god dammit TG: that is so trite TT: I really am sorry for that. TG: its like TG: heres how bad this is TG: were are basically bruce willis and ben affleck from johns shitty crappy movie TG: you made this even more armageddon than it already was TG: sealing me in the air lock so i can go home to liv tyler and have the most terrible babies with her TT: If it's any consolation, Liv Tyler came with me on the suicide mission. TG: the bunny or the actress TT: Which would make you feel better? TG: you not knocking me out with a ball of fucking yarn is fucking what TT: If I could have chosen a method of sparing your life you might have found more awesome, I would. TT: Is there an "ironic" way to do that? TG: this probably comes close but that doesnt make it not lame as hell TT: Does it matter if I took some personal satisfaction seeing you fall unconscious at the gentle glance of a soft cotton globe? TG: its cool you are so tickled by this i hope it brought you a lot of rad laughs on your way to go fucking explode TT: ... TG: so thats it TG: im actually lying here on derse asleep TG: and you went out there and blew up the sun TG: and now youre dead and im dream chilling with your smug ghost TT: Yes to the first part. TG: so youre not dead TT: Not yet. TG: then youre dreaming TG: what youre taking a little nap on the moon in the middle of nowhere TT: Afraid not! TT: I am wide awake.
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GT: so. GT: it seems that you are, in fact, an alien. with horns and everything. GT: huh. AG: Yes, John. Horns and all. That totally proves I am an alien 8eyond a shadow of a dou8t! AG: Now what do you make of these 8lank white eyes of mine? What do you think THAT could mean, hmmmmmmmm? GT: i don't know. aliens usually have big spooky eyes, don't they? AG: Humans have literally the dum8est extraterrestrial lore. Weren't those supposed to 8e aliens on one of your posters? GT: haha, you mean mac and me? yeah, even i can admit that movie was indefensible. AG: Well if you want to know, normally, we have 8right orange eyes, with gray irises. They fill in with our 8lood pigment as we get older. AG: Also, normally I have this one goofy eye with seven pupils 8ecause I'm kind of a weirdo. 8ut I guess that's gone now that I'm dead. AG: Not that you 8elieve me, 8ecause you just refuse to remem8er anything. GT: i can accept that you are an alien, but come on. meeting an alien who is also a GHOST in my front yard is a bit much to believe. GT: it is almost too awesome. AG: So you don't remem8er anything a8out the game at all, then? The destruction of your planet? 8ringing your ancestor 8ack to life as a clown woman? AG: Putting a huge flaming ocean out with your magical wind? Jack Noir? Dying, resurrecting, and possi8ly dying again? Is any of this tickling your sponge? GT: hmm... GT: nope. sounds cool though. AG: Fuck, I cannot 8elieeeeeeeeve how cold it is on this planet. How can any species possi8ly 8e a8le to survive somewhere like this? GT: yeah, i thought you looked pretty cold out here. GT: so i brought you this jacket.
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AG: Oh. AG: Ok. GT: hey, your clothes switched suddenly. GT: was that some kind of alien wardrobe warpifying technology? GT: such as a warpdrobe, if you will? AG: Sure, John. Let's just say that's what it was. GT: you look pretty cool in more normal clothes. not that your space boots and pixie outfit weren't neat. AG: Thanks. AG: So, is this how humans 8egin an earth d8? AG: With simple acts of flattery and kindness? GT: um, i don't know about that, really. GT: it just seemed like the nice thing to do. GT: is... GT: is this a date? AG: No. I've decided this definitely will not 8e a d8. AG: Not until you remem8er something, at least. GT: ok, that's probably for the best. GT: i would probably be pretty nervous on a date with a normal girl, let alone on a... GT: DATE WITH AN ALIEN SPACE GHOST!!! GT: heheheheheheh. AG: Now that you mention it, me too, pro8a8ly. Your goofy awkwardness is a 8it contagious, frankly. AG: So now what do we do? GT: well... GT: since i am presuming you are new to the planet... GT: i could show you around the place.
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GT: this is my green slime ghost pogo ride, in all its glory. GT: in my childhood, it was hours of fun, and hundreds of painful injuries. AG: Hey........ AG: This thing isn't slimy at all! What the hell. GT: nope. AG: I've noticed humans don't seem to keep any slime around the hive. And yet you are strangely cavalier a8out your open display of certain........ receptacles. AG: What's the deal with that? Is it that you're just that ashamed of your secretions as a species? GT: um. GT: not... really? GT: humans just don't really have much use for slime, i guess. GT: honestly, i can't think of a single practical use for slime, other than to be gross! AG: So 8izarre. GT: anyway, this thing is kind of a death trap, and i haven't ridden it for years. GT: i think my dad had it installed as one of his ridiculous ways of making a man out of me. AG: Sure. AG: My custodian had her ways of making me tougher too. GT: yeah. GT: parents, right? haha. GT: anyway, that's my back yard. pretty damn boring, sorry. GT: i would show you inside, but i don't think my dad would take too kindly to bringing an alien inside. GT: or, just yet. i would need to brace him for it. AG: That's fine. AG: What else can you show me? GT: i could show you around my neighborhood, if you want. AG: Sounds gr8.
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GT: these are my neighbors, who live in a lot of same looking houses as mine. GT: i never see them. i think they're all really busy people with a lot of serious business to attend to. GT: hey, look. GT: the snow is melted over here. GT: it's really warm suddenly. weird. AG: Does your planet usually have these kind of temper8ture swings? GT: no, this is pretty unusual december weather. GT: guess i'll take my coat off. GT: i can take yours back, if you want. AG: No thanks. I think I'll keep it on.
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GT: there is not really much to see in this town... GT: but there are these lakes. GT: this lake here did not used to be a lake. a long time ago, before i was born, there was a factory here. GT: my dad says there was a huge explosion. he was walking by with my nanna when he saw it. GT: then a little later, my nanna died. my dad never told me how, except that it involved a big joke book. GT: i never knew her, which is too bad. she sounded nice. AG: I know what happened. AG: I saw it. GT: you did? AG: Yes. AG: Do you want to know? AG: It might jostle your memory. GT: ok! AG: I 8elieve this lake is where Jade landed. You landed a little ways over there, a8out where your hive is now. You clo88ered your nanna to death with the aforementioned joke 8ook. 8ut it wasn't your fault. You were 8oth just little wigglers, riding meteors from the future. AG: You cre8ted yourself, your nanna, Jade, her grandpa, not to mention Dave and Rose and their guardians, all in a la8 using paradox slime, and sent them 8ack in time as the silly gru8s with arms and legs you call 8a8ies. And here you were dou8ting the usefulness of slime! GT: wow, really? AG: Yes, a8solutely. AG: I paid close attention to all this, 8ecause I thought it might give me some clues a8out us and our ancestors, who were made the same way. AG: Any of this familiar? GT: hmm. GT: that all sounds incredible if true, but i don't have even the foggiest memory of that happening! AG: Yeah. I figured as much. AG: Since you seem 8ent on staying in your dream 8u88le coma, why don't I continue the tour? GT: the tour... of earth? AG: Sort of.
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GT: what's happening? AG: We are going on an adventure. GT: where? AG: Through your memories. AG: Through mine too. AG: This would 8e a really fun thing to do on a d8, I think! AG: If we actually were on a d8, which we're not.
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GT: how is this happening? GT: is this through the advanced alien technologies? GT: like holograms, or teleportations? AG: If that's what you want to think to keep you comfy in your stupor, sure. GT: where are we? AG: This is my home planet 8efore it was destroyed. AG: It's called Alternia. GT: oh, cool. GT: and what's that, over there? AG: That is my hive, which is a thing that you refer to as a house. AG: It's where I grew up.
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GT: it's a castle!!! AG: No shit! AG: It is 8ig and fore8oding and ostent8ious, just the way I wanted it. AG: As a 8lue8lood, I was entitled to 8uild such a home. Something to set me far apart from the commoners. GT: you built it? AG: Of course not. Ro8ots 8uilt it for me when I was very young. AG: 8ut I was allowed to dict8 instructions. Expected to, in fact. GT: oh gosh. GT: so rad. AG: Really? AG: I still find it interesting what sort of mundane facts humans tend to 8e impressed 8y. AG: Anyway, my design kind of got 8oring as I got older. A huge castle hive sounds great, 8ut it starts feeling pretty cavernous and lonely after a while. There were so many 8locks I never even used! AG: Your tastes change, 8ut you get stuck with growing up in a place suited to your earliest, most juvenile inclin8ions. AG: No8ody tells you that when you're a kid though. GT: i think i know what you mean. GT: i feel like a long time ago, i might have given my dad the impression i really liked clowns? GT: and now there are clowns everywhere, his stupid collection just keeps growing and growing, and it drives me CRAZY. AG: John........ AG: That 8arely compara8le example is so cute, I don't even know what to say. GT: heheh.
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GT: holy shit, look at these glittering space riches! AG: Yeah. I was really into treasure hunting for a while. GT: What's with the broken eight balls? AG: Never mind those!
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AG: This was my respite8lock. AG: From kind of an em8arrassing memory, actually. GT: haha, more eight balls!!! GT: you sure do like to smash them. AG: John, addiction is a powerful thing. You pro8a8ly wouldn't understand. GT: what are you wearing? AG: Just a fairy dress. AG: I wore it for this stupid thing I did once. GT: is that a rocket car stuck in the web over there? GT: what's that about? AG: Don't worry a8out it! Man, this would 8e such an awkward moment on a d8. Again, if it was one. GT: there's something really familiar about that rocket... AG: Let's keep going.
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GT: what's happening? GT: are we back on earth? AG: You tell me. GT: it's my house again. why are we here? GT: i was having fun seeing your planet! AG: I don't know, John. They're your memories.
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GT: this is my dad's room. GT: but... GT: i have never been inside of it. GT: so why do i recognize it? AG: Shrug!!!!!!!! GT: i think... GT: there were some birthday presents for me in here. GT: but i can't recall which birthday that was. AG: It was your 13th. GT: but i'm 12!
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GT: oh yeah. GT: i remember this. GT: there were these imps all over my house, acting all rambunctious. GT: but... why? GT: it's all so hazy. GT: where is my dad? AG: Sounds like some things are coming 8ack to you. AG: Any chance you remem8er me yet? GT: no. GT: sorry.
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GT: i've missed the heck out of him. GT: though i'm not sure why. he should be safe at home right now. GT: i guess i must have lost track of him. but i don't remember how. GT: all i know is i have this feeling like i should run over and give him a hug. AG: Well, just so you know, he is pro8a8ly not actually there. AG: Kind of like how my lusus was just a memory. GT: are you a psychic alien? like the one who jodie foster met in contact, and assumed the form of her dead father to talk to her? AG: As a matter of fact, yes, I am a psychic alien. 8ut that has nothing to do with this! AG: These are our memories, and we are in the afterlife. I keep trying to tell you, and it's starting to get frustr8ing. GT: i see. so it is not me who is jodie foster. it's more like you are jodie, because nobody believed her when she came home and had amazing tales to tell. GT: except matthew mcconaughey. AG: Aaaaaaaargh! GT: but it's ok. i will be your matt mcconaughey. AG: Does that mean you'll 8elieve me now? GT: i guess i always did, sort of. GT: i think i've been in denial about what's happening here. AG: It's nice that you 8elieve me. 8ut that doesn't mean you remem8er yet. GT: so if this isn't my dad, then where is he? AG: He died too. You saw his 8ody. Don't you at least remem8er that? GT: no. not at all. GT: i am remembering a bunch of things, but not that. AG: Then what? AG: Do you remem8er me yet? GT: no. GT: i only remember when you contacted me and said you'd kill me a little earlier. GT: but that was months ago. GT: i do remember talking to some other trolls like you. GT: and playing this game. it was on my 13th birthday. i was really looking forward to playing it, but it was late in the mail. GT: i got some presents from my dad. like this big weird clown doll that i didn't like much. GT: and some fruit gushers... GT: oh yeah! i also realized gushers were made by betty crocker. that freaked me the fuck out! GT: did YOU realize betty crocker makes gushers??? AG: This comes as news to me. GT: well she does. her villainy knows no bounds. GT: oh. GT: he also gave me this suit, which i remember wearing for a while. GT: but it didn't look quite like this. GT: it had a black tie, and no ghost, so i improved it. GT: actually... GT: i remember dying in a suit. AG: You do? GT: but GT: this was not the suit i was wearing when i died.
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JADESPRITE: are you ok? DAVESPRITE: been better JADESPRITE: what happened to you? DAVESPRITE: what happened to you JADESPRITE: um... JADESPRITE: i died in my dream and came back as a dog DAVESPRITE: oh DAVESPRITE: i turned into a bird and got in a fight JADESPRITE: :o
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JADESPRITE: what is that? DAVESPRITE: what this thing JADESPRITE: yes DAVESPRITE: legendary sword JADESPRITE: how did you get it? DAVESPRITE: long story DAVESPRITE: shenanigans mostly JADESPRITE: yes i figured shenanigans were probably involved JADESPRITE: can you be more specific? DAVESPRITE: well DAVESPRITE: basically im from another timeline DAVESPRITE: we couldnt win the game there so i came back to help dave JADESPRITE: dave? DAVESPRITE: dave from this timeline DAVESPRITE: as a sprite im supposed to help him with his quest JADESPRITE: oh yeah JADESPRITE: im supposed to help jade too, but...... JADESPRITE: *sniffle* DAVESPRITE: shes doing alright dont worry about it JADESPRITE: ok, ill try... JADESPRITE: you were saying? DAVESPRITE: so things kind of became even more crazy in this timeline than the one i was from DAVESPRITE: and it was clear dave was never gonna do the quest i didnt get the chance to finish DAVESPRITE: not even after you brought the forge JADESPRITE: the forge? DAVESPRITE: your volcano JADESPRITE: ohhh DAVESPRITE: so DAVESPRITE: after laying low for a while DAVESPRITE: i just went and did whatever i could myself DAVESPRITE: got caledfwlch DAVESPRITE: the fuckin welsh sword dave broke DAVESPRITE: went to look for hephaestus again DAVESPRITE: figuring there wasnt much hope in beating him this time either especially being injured and all but what the hell right DAVESPRITE: but then DAVESPRITE: thats when you lit the forge somehow JADESPRITE: i did? DAVESPRITE: well no DAVESPRITE: not you other jade JADESPRITE: yeah JADESPRITE: shes a lot more brave than me i think JADESPRITE: she brought me back thinking i could help her and all i did was disappoint her and everyone else JADESPRITE: you came back as a sprite and youre managing to do important things... JADESPRITE: but i just feel so scared and helpless DAVESPRITE: sounds like you came back because jade made the decision for you DAVESPRITE: i made the decision to come back myself maybe itd be different if you had the same chance JADESPRITE: i dont know if i would have if i had the chance JADESPRITE: but i would like to not feel so useless to everybody DAVESPRITE: i think everyones on top of this DAVESPRITE: theres not much for us to do anymore JADESPRITE: what about your sword? isnt it important? DAVESPRITE: i guess so DAVESPRITE: but not really for me since im not the real dave anymore JADESPRITE: im still not sure how you got it... JADESPRITE: what does it have to do with my volcano? DAVESPRITE: thats a bit complicated DAVESPRITE: see it turns out DAVESPRITE: i had no idea how the denizens worked at all
|PESTERLOG|
TT: I am piloting the moon through the Furthest Ring right now. TT: At the moment, it's passing through a dream bubble. I am visiting your dream in person. TT: Or, you are the one visiting me as I travel, in your sleep. If you'd rather look at it that way. TG: ok TG: so all those questions you asked me TG: getting me to remember TG: you were just stalling me werent you TG: so i wouldnt wake up and try to stop you TT: Not entirely. TG: this sucks TG: could you just please turn the thing around and come back TT: Why? TT: I'm already out here. Might as well go through with it. TG: we agreed id do it though TG: or at least you pretended to agree TG: just before going into a major league wind up with your nap yarn TT: A major league wind up? TG: sports TT: It's always been pretty sad that I seem to know more about sports than you. Which is really saying something. TG: all im saying is TG: no one likes a basketball hog TT: It's probably just "ball hog." TG: i just think you should know TG: that in the athletic arena of competitive achievement TG: its a widely known fact that cherry picking posers get showered in nothin but boos TG: you dont gank the rock and steal the big mans thunder on his raucus drive to the hole TT: Oh lord. TG: is that the sort of ignominy you want TG: see you didnt consider sports you never consider the sports TT: The last thing I want to do is come between a big man's thunder and any particular hole he might prize. TG: and yet TG: such has been whats happened TG: it like the tight end was going long down the yard in sudden death TG: its me im the tight end TG: and the quarterback sniped the fieldgoal just before the nfl buzzer went off TG: the greedy qb is you TT: That's not even close to being a thing in football. TG: but instead of winning the gold sports prize you just fucking die and nobody cares and it didnt mean anything TT: Which prize is that? TG: the football prize TT: You mean the most vaunted accolade associated with the gridiron, known as "Stanley's Cup?" TG: no come on TG: its called the bruce bombardi trophy or something TG: for best pile squad TT: I'll take your word for it. TG: and even though youre dead all these fat millionaires in helmets just leap on your corpse anyway and pile up and i mean WAY up TT: How high do they even have to be? TG: the sport pile doesnt stop from getting taller TT: Does the officiator have a means of measurement on hand? TT: I wouldn't want to be crushed by a nonregulation sport pile. TG: what do you care youll be dead like the mission thieving poser you are TT: Poser? TT: So not cool. TG: yes poser it should be my torso getting pulverized by that avalanche of overpaid beefcakes and you know it TT: I forget what we were doing exactly. TT: Were we pursuing the hackneyed debate over who has the best claim to self sacrifice, TT: Or seeing who can out-dumbass the other with obtuse sports lingo? TG: there obviously stopped being a difference between those things the question is offensive TG: almost as offensive as you stalling me while you peel out of here in your dumb moon TT: I'm the one stalling? TT: The moon is probably just a speck in the sky now due to your strange beefcake harangue. TG: yeah but i dont know how to wake back up is the thing TG: how do i wake back up TT: I guess I could wake back you up, if you really want.
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TG: ok then do it TT: But you have to promise to stay put. TT: Don't try to stop me. Just let it go. TG: but this was my mission TT: It really makes no sense for you to go. This was never your preoccupation. TT: They selected me a long time ago. TG: that doesnt make sense TG: why would they drag me into it just to have me make a map and then let you ditch me TG: theyve obviously been gunning for me too TT: Yes, they helped you chart a path through the Ring. And they will open that path for a pilot they have marked. TT: I believe I fit the description. I'm not sure about you. TG: why do you think that TT: I am the pilot. That's all there is to say on the matter. TG: but i dont want you to die TT: Help John and Jade. TG: this isnt right TT: Then I'm not going to help you wake you up. TT: I'll stall some more. TG: so you admit you were stalling with all that bullshit TT: I said not entirely. TG: what do you mean TT: It's going to be a long ride through all this nothingness. TT: Maybe I just thought some company would be nice. TT: Before it's all over. TG: ............ TT: So what'll it be? TG: what TT: I'll wake you, but only if you promise to rejoin the others. TT: Could you give a message to John for me? TG: sure TG: but TG: if im promising not to chase you down then theres not really any hurry to wake up TT: Aw, are you sure? TT: I was looking forward to bowling another wicked googly with the yarn. TT: Sportsways. TG: nah ill stay asleep a while TT: Ok. TG: what did you want me to tell john TT: What was that? TG: what TT: Did you hear something? TG: no what TT: I thought I heard something outside.
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TG: whos this douche dag TG: i mean bag TG: im stuttering this dude is making me nervous TT: You don't remember him? TG: no TT: Then I guess this isn't a memory. TG: so hes actually here with us on the moon TT: Not with us. TT: Just me. TT: You're still on Derse, remember?
|SPRITELOG|
DAVESPRITE: i busted into his palace DAVESPRITE: to finish the quest DAVESPRITE: i was expecting him to be asleep and was gonna figure out some way to wake him up DAVESPRITE: but like last time i saw him DAVESPRITE: he was already awake to greet me JADESPRITE: but i thought the denizens were supposed to be asleep? JADESPRITE: at least until you do the right things on your quest... DAVESPRITE: they are DAVESPRITE: as sprites were programmed to know things like that about the game DAVESPRITE: but i guess not everything DAVESPRITE: it seems like if you try to go fight them too soon DAVESPRITE: you find them awake and theyre like DAVESPRITE: what the fuck are you doing here already DAVESPRITE: which is what happened last time i saw him DAVESPRITE: before i became a sprite DAVESPRITE: and i stupidly tried to fight him which was a bad idea because hes hella strong DAVESPRITE: and the whole time he was raving about shit DAVESPRITE: about a stolen sword and missing forge DAVESPRITE: but i wasnt really listening DAVESPRITE: if i had i might have understood DAVESPRITE: he wasnt actually trying to kill me he was giving me the choice JADESPRITE: what choice DAVESPRITE: wait i mean The Choice DAVESPRITE: i always forget i can talk underlined for important shit JADESPRITE: what did you choose? DAVESPRITE: i guess i made an unwitting choice DAVESPRITE: by deciding to flee DAVESPRITE: i figured he was unbeatable so i decided to get the fuck out of there DAVESPRITE: so i snapped a quick captcha to get his huge hammers code and then gtfo JADESPRITE: what happened when you saw him this time? DAVESPRITE: like i said he was awake again DAVESPRITE: but this time i wasnt in any condition to fight DAVESPRITE: so i didnt DAVESPRITE: and thats what i didnt get DAVESPRITE: hes this terrible angry monstrous guy but theres no need to fight him DAVESPRITE: so he looked me up and down all hard DAVESPRITE: saw the broken sword DAVESPRITE: and like before gave me the choice JADESPRITE: you mean Choice! JADESPRITE: hehehe :p JADESPRITE: oops DAVESPRITE: yeah JADESPRITE: so it was the same choice? DAVESPRITE: no
|SPRITELOG|
DAVESPRITE: it was different DAVESPRITE: i think it must be always different DAVESPRITE: depending on the circumstances DAVESPRITE: i dont know what the choice is when you face him the way youre supposed to DAVESPRITE: but im showing up as this bleeding bird sprite holding his broken sword DAVESPRITE: so thats pretty odd situation JADESPRITE: then what did he make you decide? DAVESPRITE: he sees i got his sword and its busted and you can tell hes pissed DAVESPRITE: but like before its like restrained anger DAVESPRITE: like hes always about to just fucking flip but still keeps it together DAVESPRITE: so he can tell me DAVESPRITE: he can repair it DAVESPRITE: and make the deringer with the forge lit DAVESPRITE: he says he can repair anything DAVESPRITE: but only one thing DAVESPRITE: and i had to choose DAVESPRITE: so i said ok fix the sword JADESPRITE: as opposed to what? DAVESPRITE: meh DAVESPRITE: doesnt matter really DAVESPRITE: i just thought making the sword felt like the right thing JADESPRITE: oh... DAVESPRITE: so i gave him the sword DAVESPRITE: but it still wasnt all that simple DAVESPRITE: he needed lava from the forge to make it DAVESPRITE: which means echidna had to be awake DAVESPRITE: our denizens had to have some kind of truce to make it happen DAVESPRITE: see what i mean about it being complicated JADESPRITE: yeah ._. DAVESPRITE: so jade must have done something right DAVESPRITE: to wake her up and get the forge going DAVESPRITE: dont know what she did though JADESPRITE: probably something amazing JADESPRITE: she is still working so hard to help everyone JADESPRITE: i guess i used to be that way... JADESPRITE: but ive completely forgotten how DAVESPRITE: are you sure
|SPRITELOG|
JADESPRITE: whats happening? DAVESPRITE: reckoning DAVESPRITE: its getting close to the end DAVESPRITE: more meteors are getting by the portals DAVESPRITE: the battlefield will probably be wiped out soon JADESPRITE: can we do something to stop it? DAVESPRITE: would there be a point JADESPRITE: i dont know..... JADESPRITE: i like it here though JADESPRITE: i felt like i was drawn to come here when i wasnt sure where to go DAVESPRITE: yeah me too JADESPRITE: the meteors JADESPRITE: and all the fire... JADESPRITE: it reminds me of when i died JADESPRITE: and i was trying to wake john up JADESPRITE: i was scared then too JADESPRITE: but i didnt let the fear stop me from trying to save him DAVESPRITE: what would you want to do DAVESPRITE: if you werent scared JADESPRITE: i have no idea JADESPRITE: i guess try to help JADESPRITE: what is there to do? DAVESPRITE: well DAVESPRITE: i was going to bring this sword to dave JADESPRITE: oh noo JADESPRITE: does that mean youre going to leave? DAVESPRITE: no DAVESPRITE: i was gonna say DAVESPRITE: im not in any shape for more adventuring DAVESPRITE: i figure this is probably my last stop JADESPRITE: :( DAVESPRITE: but maybe this is a way you can help JADESPRITE: you mean... JADESPRITE: that i should give him the sword? DAVESPRITE: if you want JADESPRITE: but i dont want to leave you here either DAVESPRITE: maybe you dont have to actually go anywhere DAVESPRITE: you oughta have a lot of special powers remember DAVESPRITE: because of ascending to doghood JADESPRITE: oh yeah! DAVESPRITE: try doing your spacey thing DAVESPRITE: i mean not to sound condescending or anything but its got to be like borderline omnipotence pretty much DAVESPRITE: just put your mind to it JADESPRITE: alright, i will try.....
|PESTERLOG|
EB: i remember now. EB: i was tricked by a troll into flying up to the last gate, using this rocket pack. EB: she said i could take a shortcut and go kill my denizen while he was sleeping. EB: it... EB: did not quite work out that way. AG: This sounds like Terezi's handiwork. EB: i don't know. she didn't tell me her name. EB: she was a blind troll. she made me this incredibly shitty map for me to follow! AG: Yep. That's her. AG: I guess she got 8oth of us then. Un8elieva8le. EB: she tricked you too? AG: Yes. AG: Well, not tricked, so much as made a pointless coin flip and sta88ed me in the 8ack. EB: wow. that's pretty cold blooded! AG: Oh, sure. She was easily the most underhanded and villainous mem8er of our group. AG: 8ut I did let my guard down. And even when she sta88ed me, I sure didn't think I was going to die. EB: why not? AG: It turns out immortality isn't all it's cracked up to 8e. Let's leave it at that. EB: hmm... EB: so i guess you never got around to giving me immortality like you said? or killing me, for that matter. EB: sounds like the blind troll beat you to it. AG: No, I did! 8ut........ AG: Ugh, this will 8e hard to explain to you. EB: explain what? AG: Haha. I guess in her own sick way, she actually set us up on this d8 together. AG: May8e I should thank her whenever she falls asleep? Or dies, god for8id. EB: so... EB: now it is a date? AG: I don't know. AG: I said it wouldn't 8e unless you remem8ered. And now you remem8er. AG: 8ut you still don't remem8er me, do you? EB: nope. AG: Yeah, thought so. AG: This version of you died 8efore I started messing with you. Not that I expect you to understand what that means. EB: no, i get that. EB: if i had decided not to take the shortcut, i would have lived. and then you would have talked to me a lot? AG: Yes, that's right. AG: I guess I should have learned to give you more credit 8y now. EB: well, i might not have figured that out, if not for... EB: some things that just happened. AG: I still can't 8elieve I'm meeting a version of you that doesn't remem8er a thing a8out me. None of my gr8 exploits, or any of the ways I helped you. Only that one stupid time I taunted you! AG: It's a vaguely frustr8ing feeling. EB: sorry... not sure what to tell you! AG: So you remem8er literally nothing I told you a8out myself? Not even the, uh........ AG: Compromising stuff? EB: well, you did just show me around your planet. which was really cool! EB: ... there's compromising stuff? AG: Your species would think so. 8ut I guess it doesn't matter anymore. EB: i guess not. EB: but who says we can't get to know each other again? AG: You wouldn't find that 8oring? EB: no way! not if you wouldn't. EB: you said the name of the blind troll who killed us, but you have not told me yours yet. AG: I haven't? EB: no. AG: ........ AG: It's Vriska. EB: nice to meet you, vriska. EB: i am john! even though you know that. AG: Yes. EB: so now what do we do? aside from be dead for probably ever. AG: Man, I don't know. AG: May8e, AG: You could tell me a8out how you died? AG: What were the "things that just happened" you were talking a8out?
|PESTERLOG|
EB: it brought me inside the palace. EB: it was huge, and it took a long time to explore. it was eerily empty too. EB: i had that weird feeling of getting to a place in a video game you are not supposed to be yet, because you don't have the right powerups and such. EB: you know what i mean? AG: Not really. AG: I'm used to taking shortcuts whenever I play games. EB: oh, ok. EB: so, i started getting crazy nervous the longer i was down here, and i was starting to wonder if my silly iron pogo hammer would even do any damage against the monster. AG: *Snort.* EB: what? AG: Against a denizen? Of course that piece of shit isn't going to do anything. AG: If I were you, I would have chucked it into the forge. EB: excuse me, it is called the wrinkle fucker, and it is totally amazing. AG: It might 8e alright if you com8ined it with something awesome. AG: Like some cool dice, for instance. EB: that's so absurd, like anything like that would ever even happen!!!
|PESTERLOG|
AG: What's this? EB: i found it very deep in the palace dungeon. i was wandering for hours, following a horrible sound through the pipes. EB: i could tell typheus was really close, because it was very loud here. it could only be the sound of him sleeping. EB: i was so tempted to play it, but i didn't dare risk waking him up! EB: pretty much by then i was sweating bullets at the thought of confronting him. AG: You were right to 8e nervous. Denizens are incredi8ly powerful monsters. You had no chance whatsoever at this stage of the game. AG: You might have stood a chance after I started helping you. 8ut Terezi really screwed you over 8y leading you here so early. EB: yeah... EB: i guess if i ever see her, i should thank her too. AG: Why? EB: because this was important. AG: What was? Getting killed 8y a monster? EB: well, yes. but not just that. EB: the whole ruse was important! EB: if i didn't make the decision to go, then dave would not be able to go back in time and fix things. EB: in fact, if i didn't die here in this palace, we never would have been born in the first place! AG: How could you know all that? EB: this way...
|PESTERLOG|
AG: This denizen does not look asleep to me. EB: nooope. EB: he was wide awake when i found him. i practically crapped my pants! AG: Well, that explains your quick death. If your denizen was anything like mine, it wouldn't have wasted much time 8efore unleashing a huge shitstorm of devast8ing monster magic. EB: what was your denizen like? AG: Her name was Cetus. AG: She was this awful sea monster. Her lair was deep underground amidst a 8unch of shipwrecks. She was quite vicious and territorial. I knew I had to kill her quickly to release the hoard, 8efore she had the chance to do anything tricky. EB: what do you mean, tricky? EB: did she talk to you? AG: Oh, of course. She was 8a88ling in riddles through most of the fight. I wasn't paying much attention though. I mean, what creature DOESN'T speak in 8oring riddles in this game? EB: so, is that what you all did? EB: kill your denizens as fast as possible, without listening to them? AG: Yeah, pretty much. We were all pretty good players, remem8er? EB: yes, so i've heard. AG: Well........ AG: Ok, I can't exactly speak for everyone. There was a lot going on, and I don't know how some people went a8out 8eating their denizens. AG: For instance, I'm not sure how our hero of 8reath did it. May8e the monster just released the hoard for him out of pity???????? EB: maybe he just talked to his denizen? AG: If there was a way to avoid a tough 8attle, I'm sure he found it. AG: It sounds like a good way to cheat yourself out of a lot of sweet xp and loot though. EB: i dunno. you might be surprised! AG: John, are you saying you had a nice friendly chat with this hideous, 8loodthirsty creature 8efore he killed you? EB: yes! EB: typheus may not be pretty to look at... EB: but he is not a bad guy at all!
|SRIOUSBIZ|
fedorafreak: eureka. fedorafreak: stand by for clarification re: enthusiastic outburst. fedorafreak: yes. it is as hoped for beyond hope. fedorafreak: unusual devices may be used to duplicate fresh, perfectly pressed garments. inexhaustibly, afaik. fedorafreak: reconstructing complete professional ensemble now - hold. fedorafreak: pleased to report restoration of dapper visage an overwhelming success. fedorafreak: alas, devices appear to hold no such promise for departed family members, misplaced hand-held steam press. fedorafreak: update on device utility - combinative apparel synthesis presents intriguing possibilities. fedorafreak: now combining expensive leather pipe tobacco sleeve with handsome, gray fedora. fedorafreak: to document result shortly. fedorafreak: resulted in hat w/ outlandish and frivolous appearance. fedorafreak: do not care for; shall discard immediately. fedorafreak: combination of pant, fine cotton shirt even more disappointing. fedorafreak: yielded useless, excessively tall pant; relieveing from wardrobe at once. fedorafreak: made unwelcome determination. production requires expense of glittering abstractions called grist. fedorafreak: such jewels remaining in cache, libation in reserve, at premium. fedorafreak: consumed final swallow of carefully rationed urine. soon to seek water elsewhere in exotic new surroundings. fedorafreak: more importantly, to seek grist facilitating continued accessorizing. fedorafreak: note to self: use spoils to make more hats. fedorafreak: preparing for expedition to reap gems from mischievous local fauna. fedorafreak: crafted sturdy bludgeoning instrument out of uprooted mailbox. fedorafreak: tall pant perhaps adaptable as defensive garment. fedorafreak: pardon while donning tall pant. fedorafreak: donned tall pant. fedorafreak: confidence in martial prowess perplexingly swells. fedorafreak: venturing out; powering down gray, serviceable hand-held computing device to preserve battery. fedorafreak: additional updates to be submitted in a frank and forthright manner for judicious appraisal within a reasonable timeframe. fedorafreak: tia for patience.
|SRIOUSBIZ|
fedorafreak: turning on hand-held device for brief report. fedorafreak: severe injury sustained in skirmish with undersized, sportive rascal. fedorafreak: tall pant unremarkable in protective utility. damaged; badly bloodied. fedorafreak: no indication of laundering facilities throughout enchanted land whatsoever. fedorafreak: losing fluid rapidly. maintaining adequate hydration levels more important than ever. fedorafreak: libations unfortunately not forthcoming. fedorafreak: rest needed. fedorafreak: seeking surface suitable for assuming reclined posture. fedorafreak: strength depleting. tie loosened, removed, rolled up neatly and tucked beneath hat. fedorafreak: minimal stamina left for disrobing sodden tall pant. leaving on. fedorafreak: encountered rest surface. fedorafreak: horizontal stone slab exhibiting unidentified iconography. fedorafreak: a tall post at each corner. fedorafreak: mysteriously inviting. fedorafreak: mounting slab. exhaustion taking hold. pipefan413: Excuse me, sir! fedorafreak: @pipefan413, friend. fedorafreak: @pipefan413, sound of voice nearly refreshing enough to distract from perpetual taste of warm, poorly filtered urine. pipefan413: Oh my, no. I am not actually your friend, dear. pipefan413: I am his mother! Hoo hoo hoo. fedorafreak: another of @pipefan413's legendary pranks? pl clarify. fedorafreak: if y; prepared to regard as hilarious. pipefan413: Were that it was. I'm sorry to say there is no chicanery in play at all today. pipefan413: Though yes, that WOULD be quite the doozy. I believe the late, great Colonel would surely say we were cooking with petrol upon hearing such a whopper. pipefan413: No, I am just an old woman looking for her son. fedorafreak: understood, madame. pipefan413: You remind me of him so. Would you mind terribly if I talked to you for a little while? pipefan413: I am fearing the worst for my son, while my grandson has gone off to do great things. I've caught myself feeling a bit lonely, hoo. fedorafreak: can imagine no greater pleasure. fedorafreak: though, eyelids heavy. fedorafreak: getting dark; feeling in extremities, fading. pipefan413: Oh, but you must be exhausted from your travels! You poor thing. pipefan413: Why don't you just lie there and rest? I will tell you a story. fedorafreak: @pipefan413's kindly mother: ty pipefan413: It is a fairy tale about a young sister and brother who were raised by a wicked witch!
|SRIOUSBIZ|
pipefan413: The witch in truth was a world famous baking baroness. Her cruelty made life miserable for the two children, who did not have their father anymore to protect them. pipefan413: He was the greatest prankster who ever lived, and a true southern gentleman. He was killed by a comet on the day the boy was born, and the wicked baroness raised them alone, with a hand as firm as that which she ran her brutal baking empire. pipefan413: The children pledged to each other that one day they would run away together. pipefan413: They followed in the footsteps of the dear colonel, in defiance of the old batterwitch. They studied his every jape, and practiced them in secret! pipefan413: But as they grew older, their interests drifted apart. The boy developed a passion for adventure and put aside his study of practical jokes. He dreamed of wealth and fame and discovery and swore he would wander the world. pipefan413: One day he decided to run away with the loyal dog he inherited from their father. He asked the girl if she would come along, but she was too scared of the retribution that might follow. pipefan413: The boy scoffed at the danger, and assured his sister there was nothing to worry about. But he had not seen first hand what the baroness was capable of! pipefan413: He told his sister that he believed in her, and that she could handle whatever the witch could throw at her. And with that, he was off, and she would never see him again. pipefan413: The baroness would raise her very strictly, mentoring her in the art of baking. The girl took to the lessons with fierce determination. Her only act of defiance left was to one day surpass the baroness in skill, and beat her at her own game. It was all she could do, for the baroness made sure she knew there could be no escape. pipefan413: The girl surely missed her brother, and soon enough he achieved fame for his exploits. She followed him in the newspapers, the tales of his remarkable discoveries, inventions, and riches. How she wished she could rejoin him, and be free from toiling for the pastry hag! pipefan413: One day, the girl was able to gather enough bravery to mention her brother to the baroness, and her desire to see him again. With contempt, she guaranteed that this could never happen. When the girl asked why, that is when the baroness began to reveal to her more than just her baking secrets. pipefan413: She mentioned that like in many fairy tales, there was more to the children's past than they knew. The colonel was not their father, nor was the baroness their mother. They in fact had no father or mother at all, nor were they ever actually born. They had both fallen from the sky! They were not actually brother and sister as they had been told either. Again like in many fairy tales, the truth was that they were always destined to become married one day. They were to have two children, a son and a daughter, and these children were meant to save the world! But the batterwitch was determined to make sure this destiny would never be realized. In her limitless cruelty she would do all in her power to keep them apart for the rest of their lives. pipefan413: The girl that day swore she would bring down the baroness and her evil empire. She would use the many secrets she'd learned over the years against her, and began carefully plotting her downfall. pipefan413: Years went by. The girl was nearly ready to put her plan into action. But then, just like that, the baroness disappeared. She was never seen or heard from again. pipefan413: The girl was finally free, by a strange turn of events. But not without a final jab from the witch. It turned out that in her will she had left the entire company to the boy! pipefan413: The boy, now a grown man, was already very wealthy in his own right. He had no particular need for the baking empire, but assumed control nonetheless, and integrated the company into his extensive collection of enterprises. pipefan413: The girl, instead of seeing this as more misfortune, took the news as a relief. She'd just as soon have nothing to do with the witch's empire, and far preferred to pursue her original passion for practical japery. Hoo hoo hoo! pipefan413: She considered a reunion with her estranged brother, and once destined husband to be. But the days of longing for a future with him seemed to be from another lifetime. The chance had come and gone. She was content to let him live his increasingly elaborate life, while she sought a simpler one. pipefan413: Besides, now was not the time to revisit a destiny with an old star-crossed lover. She had recently become betrothed to a fine, upstanding gentleman. Soon, she would start a family. No, not one meant for heroism as foretold, but one that would make her happy nonetheless. pipefan413: In following years, she was left to ponder all that might have been. pipefan413: What might have been if there had been no baroness to keep the girl and boy apart? pipefan413: What might have been if the baroness had not disappeared, and she had the opportunity to use her secrets against her! pipefan413: For you see, the girl had uncovered so many dirty secrets about the terrible batterwitch, including the most troubling one of all. pipefan413: Of course no one would have believed her, but she knew. pipefan413: She knew the baroness was not human! :B
-- fedorafreak's gray, serviceable hand-held computing device's battery has died. --
|PESTERLOG|
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] CG: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING NOW. GG: pw. CG: SERIOUSLY, WHY DID YOU GO BACK TO SEE HER? YOU DIDN'T MENTION THIS LAST TIME. GG: listen fuckass GG: i am going to need a password before we continue GG: plz <3 CG: RIGHT, OK. CG: LET'S SEE IF I CAN REMEMBER, IT WAS PRETTY ELABORATE IF I RECALL, OK HERE GOES. CG: I'M A DISGUSTING WORTHLESS BILGESACK ON THE GARGANTUAN TEAT OF A LABORING, LEPROUS MUSCLEBEAST. MY SELF ESTEEM IS SO SMALL, ITS EXISTENCE IS A MATTER OF CONJECTURE AMONG THEORETICAL PHYSICISTS. I SMELL SO BAD, THE STENCH CANNOT BE EXPRESSED WITH EVEN THE MOST ELOQUENT, FLORID LANGUAGE. THE ODOR MY BODY MAKES HAS MADE POETS CRY. I HAVE WON SPECIAL AWARDS FOR DISCOVERING NEW PLACES TO TOUCH MYSELF EROTICALLY WHILE FARTING. I UNFAIRLY PULVERIZE THE COMPETITION IN ASSHOLE PAGEANTS, AND I HAVE RECEIVED A LIFETIME BAN FROM UGLY CONTESTS BY PRESIDENT SHITFACE HIMSELF. MY BLOOD IS NOT FIT TO FLOW THROUGH A SEWER, AND MY SIGN IS A PICTOGRAPHIC SYMBOL THAT LOOSELY TRANSLATES AS "PLEASE HIKE THESE PANTS UP TO THIS GUY'S ARMPITS, CHAIN HIM TO A FLOGGING JUT, AND MAKE A FUCKING EXAMPLE OUT OF THIS SORRY SACK OF SHIT." WHEN I LOOK IN A MIRROR, MY REFLECTION SLOWLY SHAKES HIS HEAD WHILE I WET MYSELF IN SHAME. GG: ....................... :| CG: WHAT, THAT WAS IT, WASN'T IT. HOW WAS THAT NOT FUCKING IT, DID I FORGET AN APOSTROPHE SOMEWHERE? GG: no karkat, that was not quite the password GG: but you were on the right track :p CG: CAN WE JUST TALK NOW GG: do you even remember the right password? CG: SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF GRATUITOUS SELF DEPRECATION FORCED INTO MY MOUTH, INVOLVING REFERENCE TO SOME KIND OF WEIRD HUMAN COUPLING RITUAL? GG: youre being deliberately dumb GG: it was... GG: IF I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH, THEN WHY DON'T I HATEMARRY MYSELF? GG: remember? GG: i was just using the password system to poke a little fun at you, and you turn it into this whole overdramatic thing, jeeeeez. CG: HAHA! WHEE. CG: CAN WE GET DOWN TO FUCKING BUSINESS AGAIN?
|PESTERLOG|
GG: i wonder if we will ever be able to start a conversation without having a ridiculous argument about the password system? CG: IF YOU WOULD DROP THE PASSWORD SYSTEM AND LET FUTURE ME TALK TO YOU, HE MIGHT BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU AN ANSWER. CG: SPOILER: THE ANSWER WOULD BE NO, BECAUSE THE PASSWORDS ARE RETARDED. GG: why would i want to do that?? GG: the only guy whos dumber than past karkat is future karkat, and vice versa! GG: i have this on good authority from both sources CG: I STILL THINK YOUR USE OF THE TERMS IS KIND OF ASININE, THERE REALLY IS NO PAST OR FUTURE KARKAT FROM YOUR VIEW CG: THERE'S KARKAT WHO KNOWS LESS STUFF AND KARKAT WHO KNOWS MORE STUFF. WHY NOT JUST GATHER THE FACTS FROM THE ONE WHO'S GOT THE LOWDOWN ALREADY? CG: I MEAN, I'D DO IT MYSELF, BUT I CAN'T STAND THE GUY. GG: you see, that is your problem GG: okay, one of your many, many problems... GG: you have no patience to do things the right way, youre always just looking for the shortcut! GG: even if doing so has brought you nothing but trouble a hundred times before GG: it is sort of funny that the only thing standing in your way is one of your other problems, your preposterous self loathing GG: so you cant even trust your future self to help you cheat! GG: its like you have so many problems, they cancel each other out CG: THAT'S NOT THE ONLY THING STANDING IN MY WAY. YOUR STUPID PASSWORDS ARE ALSO STANDING IN MY WAY. IF NOT FOR THAT I COULD BE FAST TRACKING THIS TO SOLUTION CITY FOR US BOTH. GG: exactly :D CG: OK, WHATEVER, LET'S JUST GET ON WITH THIS "LINEAR CONVERSATION" OK? GG: ok CG: SO YOU GAVE ME THAT SILLY PASSWORD, AND WE ENDED OUR CONVERSATION A FEW MINUTES AGO FROM MY END CG: AND I SCANNED AHEAD LOOKING FOR A GOOD MOMENT ON YOUR TIMELINE TO PICK IT UP AGAIN CG: AND I NOTICE YOU WENT BACK TO SEE HER AGAIN FOR SOME REASON GG: yes CG: SO I'M JUST WONDERING WHY CG: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FROG BREEDING, I THOUGHT WE WERE ON A ROLL WITH THAT GG: yes, we still are! GG: this little detour was related to that task. we should be nearly done. CG: WHAT WAS SHE EVEN SAYING TO YOU, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD OF THAT HORRIFYING GIBBERISH. GG: i can understand her just fine! CG: I STILL DON'T REALLY GET IT. CG: WHY MY DENIZEN WAS SUCH A NIGHTMARE WHILE YOURS APPARENTLY GIVES YOU GUTTURAL PEP TALKS IN SOME BYZANTINE MONSTER LANGUAGE. GG: we already talked about this GG: echidna and i have an understanding now ;) CG: OOH, VAGUE BULLSHIT, IT'S THE EXACT FUCKING THING I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF. GG: well maybe if you werent in such a grumpy hurry all the time you wouldnt have killed your denizen so quickly GG: you might have actually learned something!!!!!! CG: HUGE UGLY MONSTERS ARE FOR KILLING, PERIOD. GG: did you ever talk to kanaya about it? CG: I DON'T REMEMBER, MAYBE? CG: I'M A BUSY GUY, JADE. I TALK TO A LOT OF PEOPLE ABOUT A LOT OF STUFF, INCLUDING MYSELF. GG: her situation was very similar to mine CG: I THOUGHT SHE KILLED HER DENIZEN TO LIGHT THE FORGE OR SOMETHING GG: it doesnt sound like you got the whole story GG: or maybe you just werent listening to her :p CG: WELL I SURE DON'T THINK IT WAS WHATEVER YOU DID CG: AND IN ANY CASE I THOUGHT ALL THAT WAS OVER WITH CG: WHY ARE YOU BACK, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH FROG BREEDING? GG: this was kanayas suggestion CG: KANAYA'S STILL HELPING YOU? GG: yes! GG: im talking to her right now actually CG: OH CG: I SEE HER ACROSS THE ROOM, SHE'S NOT TALKING TO ANYONE ON A COMPUTER NOW. GG: durrr, of course not, shes from a different time than you genius CG: WHICH TIME GG: a few hours in your future! CG: AH, I SEE HOW IT IS. CG: YOU WON'T TALK TO FUTURE KARKAT UNTIL I JUMP THROUGH YOUR FUCKING PASSWORD HOOPS AND BECOME HIM EVENTUALLY CG: BUT YOU'LL TALK TO FUTURE KANAYA JUST LIKE THAT. DOUBLE STANDARD ANYBODY??? JADE SAYS YES PLEASE. GG: you are so ridiculous, i have kanaya using the same password system as you GG: she is just a little further ahead on my timeline is all GG: it would be pretty hard to keep you both synced up! CG: I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T WANT SHIT SPOILED FROM THE FUTURE THOUGH. GG: yeah, from MY future, i dont want you guys telling me the things i do before i do them because you talked to future me! GG: but knowing a few things about your future doesnt really matter, NOT that i am going to tell you any of it, so dont ask CG: I THINK I AM ON THE VERGE OF BECOMING A RELIGIOUS PERSON, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO TURN TO REMOVE THE AWESOME SUFFERING THAT TROLLIAN'S TEMPORAL CHAT BULLSHIT MIRACULOUSLY CONTINUES TO INFLICT ON ME. CG: MAYBE THE MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS WILL COME AND TAKE MY PAIN AWAY?? OH YES, THAT SOUNDS HEAVENLY. CG: JADE, PLEASE EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO PAINT MY FACE TO OUTWARDLY REFLECT THE BEAUTY OF MY INNER AWAKENING, AND DRUB MY THINK PAN MERCILESSLY TO REDUCE MY INTELLIGENCE TO THE LEVEL NECESSARY TO SUSTAIN THESE BELIEFS. GG: siiign, what are you even talking about? CG: ARE WE ALMOST DONE CRAFTING THIS "MASTER PLAN"? CG: I HAVE STUFF TO ATTEND TO HERE. MY TEAM IS FALLING APART. CG: AND I CAN'T FIND GAMZEE ANYWHERE. I'M WORRIED HE MIGHT HAVE WANDERED OFF SOMEWHERE AND GOT HURT. GG: aw GG: well... GG: youll find him CG: I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T TELLING ME ABOUT MY FUTURE. GG: i know, i made an exception GG: but only one! CG: LET'S MOVE THIS ALONG. JUST UPDATE ME ON THE FROGS, AND GIVE ME A NEW PASSWORD, OK? GG: kanaya thinks we should all talk about this GG: she says youre important to consult on the matter, but the you from her time is too busy CG: BUSY WITH WHAT? GG: :x!!!!! GG: she is opening a memo
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PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 03:14 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PCG: OH GOD, HE'S STILL FOLLOWING YOU? PCG: THAT IS SO MESSED UP. ?GG: yeah... ?GG: its ok though. as long as he is tailing me like a lost puppy, at least hes not killing anybody PCG: DON'T TRUST HIM JADE, I'M TELLING YOU. HE IS A STAB HAPPY PLANET EXPLODING ASSHOLE. PCG: REMEMBER WHAT HE DID TO DAVE? IT WAS LIKE THIS WHOLE EPISODE, YOU HAD A HYSTERICAL EPISODE ABOUT IT, REMEMBER? ?GG: i remember the episode!!! ?GG: but hes ok now ?GG: and im kind of starting to think that was just his way of saying hi ?GG: my dog used to fetch my bullets too! ?GG: i really think he believes he is my dog, on some level PCG: JUST DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON HIM, JADE. PCG: DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON THE PUPPY. ?GG: dont worry, im keeping my eye on him ?GG: aaaaaa no no no, bad jack, bad!!!!!!
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PCG: HE REALLY SEEMS TO HATE FROGS. ?GG: yeah... ?GG: the poor froggies :( PCG: MY JACK HAD THIS IRRATIONAL THING AGAINST FROGS TOO. PCG: I MEAN MY NORMAL JACK. NOT PSYCHOPATH OMNIPOJACK. FGA: Derse Agents Are Heavily Predisposed Toward The Murder And Desecration Of Amphibious Lifeforms And Their Iconography Respectively FGA: Frequently I Had To Thwart Assassination Attempts From Their Kingdom FGA: Or Extermination Attempts Is Probably Better To Say ?GG: youre probably right, they really seem to drive him crazy ?GG: this is not the first time i have had to reprimand him PCG: WAIT, DID HE FOLLOW YOU INTO THE PALACE TOO JUST NOW? PCG: IS THAT WHO YOU WERE YELLING AT? ?GG: he was growling at echidna and i had to tell him he was being very bad ?GG: he destroyed some of her really nice statues too ?GG: keeping him in line really makes me miss bec, he was such a good dog ?GG: not to mention a best friend ?GG: jack is just... FGA: Bad Dog FGA: Worst Enemy ?GG: exactly PCG: I DON'T LIKE THIS A FUCKING BIT, IT MAKES ME REALLY NERVOUS. PCG: YOU JUST CHILLING WITH AN UNSPEAKABLY POWERFUL MASS MURDERER WITH THE BRAIN OF A WILD ANIMAL WHO'S ABOUT TO HOP SESSIONS AND TRY TO KILL ALL OF US IN A FEW HOURS. PCG: AND WHAT WERE YOU EVEN DOING THERE AGAIN, YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD ME. ?GG: huh? PCG: THE PALACE.
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FGA: I Recommended She Return To Her Denizen For Advice PCG: ABOUT WHAT FGA: The Location Of The Final Frog Required To Complete The Gene Sequence FGA: One Whose Song Should Remove The Last Traces Of Dissonance From The Waveform FGA: The Creature Is Quite Elusive Remember PCG: OH YEAH PCG: YOU WERE SEARCHING FOR WEEKS FGA: Yes PCG: AND YOU NEVER FOUND IT FGA: I Had A Good Lead FGA: But You Decided There Was Not Enough Time Left To Bother With It PCG: THE RECKONING HAD STARTED. PCG: WE HAD TO KILL THE KING. FGA: Understood But This Was A Matter That Really Did Require Your Attention PCG: YEAH I KNOW, BUT MAYBE I WAS SICK TO FUCKING DEATH OF MUDDLING AROUND WITH FROGS AND THEIR CACOPHONOUS GODDAMN RIBBITS AND MIXING THEIR SLIME AND SHIT. PCG: I'M NOT AN ECTO SCIENTIST NO MATTER HOW MANY GRUBS WHO TURNED OUT TO BE US THE GAME MADE ME ACCIDENTALLY MAKE. ?GG: but you are a programmer arent you? that is at least kind of like being a scientist, having some technical savvy... PCG: I WAS A SHITTY PROGRAMMER. AND ANYWAY I ONLY PROGRAMMED VIRUSES. PCG: SHITTY VIRUSES. PCG: I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE A SLIME TECHNICIAN OR A FROG FARMER OR A MYSTICAL FUCKING CROAK DECODER. I'M A WARRIOR AND A LEADER AND A COLD BLOODED KILLER. ?GG: we know! you are clearly very good at being all of those things ?GG: but now we need your help with frog science. can you help us?
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PCG: HOW LONG WILL THIS TAKE PCG: I DON'T MIND HELPING BUT I HAVE MAJOR LEADERSHIP DUTIES TO ATTEND TO HERE. FGA: Yes I Know The Team Is Falling Apart And Everything FGA: But Doing This Was Your Duty Too FGA: And After A Point Of Critical Complication There Is Only So Much Responsibility You Can Take For The Actions Of Your Team PCG: KANAYA, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? PCG: WHAT HAPPENS IN THE FUTURE, ARE YOU GIVING ME SOME ASSURANCE THAT THINGS WILL WORK OUT? PCG: BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL ANYBODY IS. FGA: The Future FGA: Um FGA: Okay Im A Vampire Now Apparently If That Helps PCG: WHAT THE FUCK IS A VAMPIRE ?GG: shhhhhhhshhhshhshshsh..... ?GG: SHOOSH ?GG: no future talk!!! lets stay on topic PCG: OH MY GOD WHY CAN'T I GET A STRAIGHT FUCKING ANSWER TO A THING, IT'S A SIMPLE QUESTION ?GG: kanaya means she is a very pretty girl with pointy fangs who has a bright sunny complexion and wears fancy dresses PCG: THANKS, THAT CLEARED EVERYTHING JUST RIGHT THE HELL UP! ?GG: and... ?GG: she drinks blood >_> PCG: OH PCG: YOU MEAN A RAINBOW DRINKER PCG: YEAH, I ALREADY KNOW ABOUT HER TRASHY NOVEL FANTASIES. PCG: ARE WE DONE SHITTING AROUND FGA: They Arent Trashy ?GG: hee hee PCG: YES, HILARIOUS. PCG: I GUESS I HAVE NO CHOICE TO BELIEVE YOU BECAUSE SKEPTICISM IN THIS SITUATION IS FOR IDIOTS RIGHT? PCG: IF I SAID "YEAH RIGHT! IF THERE'S A DRINKER IN THIS HIVE I'LL EAT MY COCOON!" I'D BE LIKE THE DUMB LUSUS IN THE MOVIE WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE THE KID WHEN HE TELLS IT THERE'S A RAINBOW DRINKER IN THE CLOSET. PCG: SO I GUESS BY REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY I SHOULD NOT BE THAT DUMBASS, YELL "OH FUCK", AND TELL EVERYONE TO GET IN THE SCUTTLEBUGGY BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. PCG: WELL FAT CHANCE, I'M NOT FALLING FOR IT. FGA: That Sounds Like A Stupid Movie PCG: HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE ANYWAY, DID YOU SEE HER IN ONE OF YOUR AFTERLIFE BUBBLES? ?GG: yup :) PCG: WHY? WHEN?? ?GG: karkat... ?GG: that information qualifies as.......... ?GG: FUTURE STUFF! PCG: JUST PCG: I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE, SHIT IS GETTING AWAY FROM ME PCG: THE MORE TIME GOES BY WITHOUT WORD FROM GAMZEE THE MORE I WORRY PCG: AND THE MORE I FEEL LIKE SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAS HAPPENED PCG: OR WILL HAPPEN PCG: I SHOULD GO. ?GG: no wait! just please listen a little longer? FGA: Yes Staying Would Be Better FGA: Trust Me That This Was And Still Is A Very Important Thing For You To Have Done And Still Do FGA: Maybe Even The Most Important PCG: FINE. PCG: BUT LET'S MOVE IT ALONG. PCG: DID ECHIDNA TELL YOU WHERE TO FIND THIS FROG?
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?GG: not exactly... ?GG: she just helped me remember PCG: REMEMBER WHAT? ?GG: something from my past ?GG: if i accepted her terms FGA: What Were Her Terms You Never Did Tell Me ?GG: yeah because you never told me yours!!! FGA: Oh FGA: I Just Thought It Wasnt That Important Or Interesting FGA: Since Karkat Thought The Battle Was More Pressing Than To Wait For Me To Locate Another Frog FGA: Also FGA: What She Asked Me To Do Was Impossible FGA: So FGA: Yeah ?GG: hmm ?GG: yeah she made me promise to do something that sounds impossible too ?GG: except...... ?GG: i actually agreed :o ?GG: i have no idea how im going to keep my side of the bargain, now that i think about it PCG: EXCUSE ME. PCG: REMEMBER PCG: FUCKING PCG: WHAT. ?GG: oh right ?GG: where the last frog is! ?GG: or was... ?GG: the thing is ?GG: the frog we need is nowhere to be found in the medium ?GG: it was on earth! ?GG: but only very briefly ?GG: it was when i was young ?GG: before i woke up on prospit ?GG: i had begun sleep walking ?GG: both on the island and on the moon ?GG: and in my dream it was very bright ?GG: i saw something in the light ?GG: i couldnt tell what it was so i got closer
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?GG: i was about to walk home ?GG: when i saw something appear on a lily pad ?GG: it was a frog! ?GG: an amazing shiny frog, not like any other ive seen in the lagoon
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?GG: later my grandpa made a robot for me to help me with my sleep walking ?GG: it could do all the walking while i stayed safe in bed! ?GG: it could also record my dreams ?GG: i am sure he always knew my dreams were going to be special ?GG: i suspect he knew it before i was even born
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PCG: OK GREAT, SO IT'S THERE ON THE MONITOR, PROBLEM SOLVED PCG: YOU JUST APPEARIFY ITS GHOST IMPRINT, MIX IT WITH YOUR CURRENT EVOLUTION'S PARADOX SLIME, SMOOTH OUT THE GENETIC WAVEFORM, TADPOLIFY BILIOUS SLICK, AND YOU'RE DONE. ?GG: hopefully! PCG: SO YOU DIDN'T REMEMBER SEEING THIS FROG WHEN YOU WERE A KID AT ALL? ?GG: no, it completely slipped my mind PCG: HOW DID SHE GET YOU TO REMEMBER? PCG: I MEAN, WHAT DID SHE MAKE YOU AGREE TO? ?GG: well, like it was before ?GG: the choices she gives you seem to have to do with facing mortality ?GG: and making it clear if you choose one path over another it will lead to your death ?GG: and that your death may even be necessary to accomplish a goal FGA: Yes Ive Inferred Their Ultimata Are All Personalized Variations On The Presentation Of Such Dilemmas ?GG: yeah ?GG: but ?GG: that is not really what made this hard ?GG: i mean ?GG: nobody wants to die of course ?GG: but at least... ?GG: that is a clear thing ?GG: you either do you you dont ?GG: you know? PCG: YOU SAID WHAT SHE ASKED WAS IMPOSSIBLE. ?GG: it might be FGA: What Were Her Demands ?GG: she said ?GG: that if i accepted her help ?GG: that i would have to make a promise ?GG: that whenever we left this place ?GG: and wherever we end up going ?GG: she had to come PCG: HUH? ?GG: not just echidna but all the denizens ?GG: their palaces their consorts their lands... ?GG: everything ?GG: i have to bring them all with us
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TC: If mOtHeRfUcKiN MaGiC'S AlL We'vE EvEr kNoWn aT TC: ThEn iT'S EaSy tO Be mIsSiN WhAt bE FuCkIn tHe hApS TC: BuT I'M AlL ScOpIn aT MiRaClEs tHaT ArE Up iN ThE AiR TC: GoT My sEe oN Of mIrAcLeS, tHeY'Re hErE AnD ThEy'rE ThErE TC: I Be cHeCkIn tHe mIrAcLeS WhIlE FaLlInG DoWn sTaIrS TC: SeEn tHe sHiT OuT A MiRaClEs tHaT ArE AlL BeInG Up aT BaSiCaLlY PrEtTy mUcH EvErYwHeRe, FuCk... TC: OcEaNs oF FaYgO FuCkIn gLiTtEr lIkE SpAcE TC: A FiSt fUlL Of sTaRdUsT'S WhAt's pOoFiN My fAcE TC: A MiLlIoN HoRnS HoNkIn rAcKeTs iN PiLeS TC: A OnE WhEeL DeViCe wHaT CaN RoCkEt iN StYlE TC: Is sHiT ThAt wHaT I WiSh fOr TC: BeCaUsE... (MoThErFuCkIn cHoRuS BrO) TC: I'M AlL A FiRm bElIeVeR At tHe mIrAcLeS TC: Do yOu hAvE TiMe fOr mY MiRaClEs, BrOtHeR :o) TC: Do yOu gEt yOuR NoTiCe oN Of tHe mIrAcLeS TC: So mAnY FuCkIn mIrAcLeS, tHe mAgIc mOtHeRfUcKiN MiRaClEs TC: HoNk. AT: oHH, AT: hAHA, oH YEAH, tHAT WAS, AT: sOO STRICT, TC: AhAhA, yEaH, bRo? AT: mOST DEFINITELY, yOUR RHYMES, AT: tHEY ARE RUTHLESSLY DISCIPLINARY, aND MY HEAR DUCTS HAVE BEEN NAUGHTY, AT: i THINK, AT: tHEY ARE NAUGHTY FOR MORE, }:) TC: MoThErFuCk dUdE, yOu bEsT UnDeRsTaNd i gOt mOrE SlAmS In mE. TC: ThEy bE As fOrEvEr aS My lImItLeSs fAiTh iN AlL My bElIeViNgS AnD ShIt. AT: }:O TC: BuT WhAt i mOtHeRfUcKiN NeEd, My bRoThEr... TC: AsIdE Of pLoWiNg nOsE FuCkInG FiRsT InTo a bItChIn pAn oF TeNaCiOuS MuCiLaGe TC: Is tO ChEcK OuT WhAt sLaMs yOu cAn sTiCk iN My dUcTs! AT: yEAHHH, AT: oH YEAH, tHESE MOST ENTIRELY CAN BE PROVIDED, AT: tHEY CAN BE DROPPED STRAIGHT INTO THE ORIFICES YOU MENTIONED, TC: HaHa, FuCkIn dRoP It bRo! TC: DrOp iT LiKe yOu sPaCeD OuT AnD FoRgOt yOu wErE HoLdInG It iN ThE FiRsT MoThErFuCkIn pLaCe. AT: yOU BROUGHT UP A PAN, uH, AT: iN THAT LAST sTAN, zA AT: bUT THE ONE i'M A FAN, oF AT: iS THE PAN HANDLED PUP, a, TC: ShIiIiIiIiIiIt. AT: yES, sHIT, iS A LEGIT, AT: tHING TO SAY ABOUT IT, AT: aBOUT THE PAN WITH THE MANGRIT, AT: oN WHOM i NOW SLAM IT, TC: SlAm iT LiKe a fUcKiN DoOr bY AcCiDeNt oN SoMeThInG ThAt hUrTs!!! TC: HoNkHoNkHoNkHoNkHoNk. AT: yOU CAN'T HANDLE MY SLAMS, AT: wELL, uNLESS WHEN YOU CAN, AT: iN WHICH CASE, tHAT'S COOL, uH AT: i JUST SERVE UP THE HOOPLA, AT: tO GOAT NOSES, tHAT ARE HOOPLESS, }:o) AT: aBOUT THE PAN, wHO'S CALLED PUPA, AT: iN THE CASE YOU WERE CLUELESS, AT: aBOUT THE PAN WHO CAN MAN, uP, AT: aND IS ABLE TO STAND, uP, AT: oN LEGS uNLIKE MINE, wHICH, AT: aRE FUNCTIONALLY USELESS, TC: GoD DaAaAaAaAaAaAaMn. YoU ArE DeAlIn sOmE HeArTy rEpRoAcH ToNiGhT. TC: FlYiNg fUcKiN HiGh, MaN. TC: HiGhEr tHaN A LaUgHsAsSiN Up oN ThE MoThErFuCkIn gRiEf tRaPeZe. TC: HiGhEr tHaN A SuBjUgGlAtOr gEtTiN HiS WeEp oN FoR ThE VaSt hOnK I BeLiEvE In tO CoMe. AT: hAHA, i WISH, }:) TC: No bRo i'm sErIoUs, YoUr rHyMeS ArE FlY As tHe mOsT WiCkEd pIeCe oF ShIt a mIrAcLe eVeR ToOk iN ThE SkY. TC: SoMeOnE ClIp tHeIr mOtHeRfUcKiN WiNgS So i sTaNd a cHaNcE! wHoOpS, i mEaN SiT A ChAnCe, FuCk... AT: tHE ONLY THING MORE FLY THAN THE RHYMES, AT: i'M SAYING TO EXPRESS ALL MY MALICES, AT: iS THE ABILITY HE HAD i WISH WAS MINE, AT: iNSTEAD OF i GUESS, THIS EXCESSIVE PARALYSIS, TC: (lOoK OuT FoR ThE HoOk bRo!!!) TC: GeT OfFa tHoSe wHeElS, gEt oFfA ThOsE WhEeLs. TC: If mIrAcLeS ArEn't fAkE He'lL GeT OfFa tHoSe wHeElS! AT: bUT HIGH, iN THIS CASE, hAS DOUBLE THE MEANING, AT: iT MEANS HE CAN FLY, pLUS DOES HIGH SELF ESTEEMING, AT: tHAT'S TWO THINGS HE HAS, tHAT i'D RATHER WERE MINE, AT: hIS TWO FLAPPY WINGS, aND hIS BIG HEALTHY SPINE, AT: oOPS, AT: tHAT'S THREE THINGS,,, TC: GeT OfFa tHoSe wHeElS, gEt oFfA ThOsE WhEeLs. TC: If mIrAcLeS ArEn't fAkE He'lL GeT OfFa tHoSe wHeElS! AT: uSING MY LEAST USELESS FOOT, AT: tO KICK IT BACK OVER TO YOU, fRIEND, TC: ShIiIt, AT: sLAM IT, uHH, lIKE, tHE DOOR IN THE FACE OF A CULLING DRONE, AT: lET'S PRETEND THAT'S A REAL POSSIBILITY, aND NOT INVITATION TO AN EVEN MORE PAINFUL DEATH, jUST FOR THE SAKE OF THAT EXPRESSION, TC: MoThErFuCk iT, mOtHeRfUcKeR! TC: PuRe mAgIc iS AlL WhEn tHeRe bE HaTcHiN Of gRuBs TC: I'Ve sEeN ShIt tHaT WoUlD ShOcK YoUr lOoKsTuBs TC: I PeEpEd oN A PlAcE Of 6 tRiLlIoN HeMoS TC: AlL Up aT OnE RoCk, BlEeDiNg aS EqUaLs TC: It's eAsY To sEe iF YoU SeArCh aLl yOuR FeElInS TC: ThAt pEaCe hApPeNs fIrSt, AnD MuRdEr's tHe sEqUeL TC: It's tHe bEaUtY Of tHe cArNiVaL, tHe mAgIc's iN TeNtS TC: FuCkIn dArKnEsS OuTsIdE, bUt tHe lIgHt mAkEs yOu wInCe TC: JuSt tAkE My mOtHeR FuCkIn hAnD BrO TC: PuT On yOuR ShAdEs, PuLl bAcK ThE FlAp TC: AnD GeT OfFa tHoSe wHeElS!!! AT: oKAY, i DID, AT: nOW i'M ON THE FLOOR, mOTIONLESS, iN A TERRIBLE WAY, AT: sO i GOT BACK ON THE WHEELS, iT WAS, AT: i NICE THOUGHT THOUGH, TC: HaHaHa fUcK MoThErFuCkIn yEaH! TC: LeT'S TaKe tHiS NiNjA-tItTiEd BiTcH BaCk tO ThE HiVe wItH ThE ChOrUs... TC: ToGeThEr mY MiRaClE BrOtHeR! AT: yES, TC: I'M AlL A FiRm bElIeVeR At tHe mIrAcLeS AT: dO YOU HAVE TIME FOR, mY MIRACLES, rELIGIOUS FRIEND, }:) TC: Do yOu gEt yOuR NoTiCe oN Of tHe mIrAcLeS AT: sO MANY, uH, gRATUITOUS EXPLETIVE, mIRACLES, tHE MAGIC MOTHER, aLSO eXPLETIVE, mIRACLES, TC: FuCk yEs, HeReS WhErE ThE SlAm tUrNs tO NoThIn bUt hOnKs... TC: HoNk hOnK HoNk hOnK HoNk hOnK HoNk TC: HoNk hOnK HoNk hOnK HoNk hOnK HoNk AT: HONK, TC: FuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuCk! AT: iT'S LESS APPROPRIATE FOR ME TO DO THE HONKS, tHAN YOU, bUT THAT WAS STILL GREAT, TC: YeAh, BrO. yEaH!!! AT: tHE SLAMS WERE TRULY PRIME, aND, AT: yOUR RELIGIOUS VIEWS, tHOUGH i DON'T SHARE THEM, aRE, AT: rEASONABLY INSPIRATIONAL, AT: i THINK i'M IN THE PROCESS OF RELEASING AT LEAST ONE TEAR, TC: Me tOo, BrO, yOu mOtHeR FuCkIn kNoW ThErE Be sOmE Of mY EyE's RoYaL JeLlY To gO WiTh yOuR EmOtIoNaL pEaNuT BuTtEr. AT: wHOA, aHA, hA, TC: ThIs iS BeAuTiFuL, dUdE, i fEeL So aT ChIlL WiTh yOu. AT: yEAH, fRIENDLINESS WITH YOU IS, pRETTY MUCH ALWAYS NICE, aND FUN TO HAVE, TC: HeY... TC: WhEn wE Up aNd sTaRt tO KiCk aT ThIs rEd TeAm NoIsE, TC: YoU ShOuLd mAkE YoUr wAy tO GeT YoUr hAnG On aT My hIvE. AT: oH, yES, tOTALLY, TC: We cOuLd sPlIt a tIn oF ThE PiMpEsT SnEeZe i gOt oN HaNd, BaKeD Up aLl sPeCiAl fOr yOu. TC: AnD ThEn mAyBe mAkE OuT A LiTtLe. AT: uH, TC: ;o) AT: , AT: ,,
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AA: hey what are you doing out here! TA: 0ut where? AA: out of your bubble TA: oh, i dunn0. TA: am i not supp0sed to leave? AA: i just didnt think you could AA: i guess you must have a foot on either side AA: cant say im surprised! TA: uh, ok. TA: s0 what are you d0ing out here?
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AA: i am waiting for friends to arrive AA: they will need my help TA: what friends? TA: m0re ghosts? AA: no theyre alive AA: first AA: there will be two humans AA: they should be joining us any minute TA: first? TA: then what? AA: then rest of our party AA: the survivors TA: 0h TA: so then, we made it 0ut here alright. AA: yes AA: well AA: they made it AA: your body will arrive with them AA: along with the others AA: hey maybe we can have a funeral! TA: whats a funeral? AA: kind of like AA: a big corpse party AA: the humans could probably explain it better than me TA: ok, c0ol.
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PCG: I GUESS I DON'T HAVE MUCH ENERGY LEFT TO ARGUE ABOUT PASSWORDS. PCG: I DIDN'T EVEN GET A PASSWORD LAST TIME. PCG: I HAD TO LEAVE ABRUPTLY BECAUSE SOLLUX AND ERIDAN STARTED DUELING AGAIN. PCG: AND THEN FEFERI AND KANAYA... PCG: IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST. PCG: AND NOW GAMZEE IS HUNTING US ALL DOWN IN MURDER MODE. PCG: HE'S BEEN TAUNTING ME THROUGH OTHER PEOPLE'S MESSAGING DEVICES. PCG: AND LEAVING ME DISTURBING NOTES. PCG: I'M SURE OTHERS MUST BE DEAD BY NOW. PCG: AND NOW SOLLUX IS BLIND AND I LOST TRACK OF HIM SOMEHOW. PCG: I HEARD A STRAY HONK AND I RAN AND WE GOT SEPARATED AND PCG: I'M STARTING TO THINK PCG: THAT THIS MUST BE A DOOMED TIMELINE PCG: THAT'S WHY I CAN'T GET IN TOUCH WITH ANYONE PCG: THEY MUST BE DROPPING LIKE BEHEMOTH LEAVINGS OUT THERE. PCG: AND THAT MUST BE WHY PCG: FUTURE KANAYA WAS TALKING IN THIS MEMO PCG: BUT NOW SHE'S DEAD... PCG: WHICH MAKES THAT IMPOSSIBLE. PCG: IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN THIS WAY. PCG: GAMZEE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO GO CRAZY. PCG: I THINK IF HE DOES PCG: IT MEANS WE FUCKED SOMETHING UP. PCG: IT MEANS *I* FUCKED SOMETHING UP. PCG: HE'S MY RESPONSIBILITY, I HAVE TO MAKE SURE HE'S SAFE. PCG: AND I DIDN'T DO THAT. PCG: ONE TIME, ONE OF THE DOOMED ARADIAS TOLD ME SHE CAME FROM A TIME WHERE HE FLIPPED OUT AND KILLED EVERYBODY, BECAUSE OF MY FAILURE. PCG: I DIDN'T TAKE HER SERIOUSLY, BUT I SHOULD HAVE. PCG: SHE WAS CONSTANTLY FIXING MY FUCKUPS. PCG: ROBOTS FROM THE FUTURE ALWAYS COMING BACK TO TELL ME HOW SOME HASTY SHIT I DID WITH FROG BREEDING OR WHATEVER WOULD MAKE IT BE IMPOSSIBLE TO WIN. PCG: MY OWN PERSONAL MISTAKES PROBABLY ACCOUNTED FOR MORE DOOMED ARADIABOTS THAN ANYTHING ELSE. PCG: WHICH WAS SORT OF A SILVER LINING I GUESS? I DON'T THINK WE WOULD HAVE BEATEN THE KING WITHOUT HER ARMY. PCG: NOT THAT IT MATTERS ANYMORE. PCG: I'VE OBVIOUSLY BECOME JUST ANOTHER GUY IN A DOOMED TIMELINE WATCHING EVERYONE AROUND HIM DIE. PCG: I WAS JUST SITTING HERE WONDERING WHAT I COULD HAVE DONE WRONG THIS TIME PCG: TO MAKE THE TIMELINE TAKE A WRONG TURN PCG: AND PINPOINTING IT SEEMED OVERWHELMING SINCE I'VE MADE MORE TERRIBLE DECISIONS THAN I CAN EVEN COUNT. PCG: BUT PCG: I THINK LOOKING BACK PCG: I KNOW WHAT IT IS NOW.
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PCG: IT WAS BEFORE WE GOT TRAPPED ON THIS METEOR PCG: BEFORE JACK SHOWED UP PCG: BEFORE WE BEAT THE KING PCG: AND I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, JADE. PCG: THAT NO MATTER WHAT I SAID, I THINK THE FINAL FROG MUST BE IMPORTANT. PCG: AND KANAYA, IF YOU'RE READING THIS SOMEWHERE IN THE PAST MAYBE... PCG: I'M SORRY, YOU WERE RIGHT. PCG: I WAS ALWAYS IN SUCH A HURRY TO WIN, I DIDN'T TAKE THE TIME TO DO WHAT WAS NECESSARY. PCG: BILIOUS SLICK NEEDED THE GENES OF THAT FROG, AND BECAUSE I HALF ASSED THIS SO BAD EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE.
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PCG: SEE, I WAS THINKING PCG: ABOUT JACK, AND HOW HE CAN'T STAND FROGS. PCG: AND I THINK I FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON. PCG: I THINK I KNOW WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN AT THE END OF OUR TIMELINES. PCG: I THINK I KNOW WHAT THE CRITICAL MOMENT IS. PCG: AND IT'S COMPLETELY MY FAULT.
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PCG: ITS DEFECTIVE GENES PROBABLY MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOUR SESSION TO BE SUCCESSFUL PCG: SORT OF LIKE PCG: ITS REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM WAS DAMAGED. PCG: WHAT SHOULD BE FERTILE GROUND FOR YOUR NEW UNIVERSE TO GROW PCG: WAS REPLACED BY A MASSIVE BOMB RIGGED TO BLOW UP YOUR WHOLE SESSION. PCG: PROBABLY JUST ONE OF MANY SYMPTOMS OF A SICK UNIVERSE. PCG: IT'S NOT LIKE YOU ACTUALLY DID ANYTHING WRONG PCG: YOU WERE FIGHTING AGAINST THE DISEASE THAT WAS ALWAYS INHERENT IN YOUR REALITY PCG: THE ONE I GAVE IT.
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PCG: BUT I DON'T THINK IT'S LIKE A NORMAL DISEASE. PCG: NOT LIKE A CELLULAR MUTATION THAT'S OUT OF CONTROL PCG: THE CANCER TOOK A SPECIFIC FORM, LIKE A COMPLICATED SERIES OF TERRIBLE EVENTS RATHER THAN FAULTY CELL DIVISION PCG: IT WAS AN EVENTUALITY IN YOUR UNIVERSE THAT WAS INEVITABLE, THAT WE ALL UNWITTINGLY HELPED MAKE HAPPEN PCG: ALL CONCENTRATED THROUGH THE ACTIONS OF ONE HOSTILE AGENT IN THE SYSTEM, WITH AN INSTINCT TO DESTROY EVERYTHING IT HATED PCG: AND THEN GIVEN THE POWER TO DO SO.
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PCG: AND UNLIKE A NORMAL DISEASE, IT WOULDN'T GRADUALLY KILL ITS HOST FROM WITHIN PCG: THE CANCER LEFT THE BODY PCG: CHASED OUT, AS IF BY AN IMMUNE SYSTEM. PCG: BUT THE PROBLEM IS PCG: IT WASN'T ANY LESS DEADLY ON THE OUTSIDE PCG: AND NO LESS DETERMINED TO FINISH THE JOB.
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PCG: SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE IT COULD BE PCG: WHAT'S WAITING FOR US AT THE END OF THE COUNTDOWN. PCG: JACK WAS EXPELLED FROM YOUR SESSION SOMEHOW PCG: HE THEN METHODICALLY DESTROYED ALL OUR PLANETS, PROSPIT AND DERSE, AND TRIED TO WIPE US ALL OUT PCG: SO THAT WE COULDN'T DO THE SAME THING TO HIM AGAIN PCG: BUT HE WAS ALWAYS SAVING HIS TRUE TARGET FOR LAST PCG: THE ONE HE HATED MOST. PCG: JACK WAS THE LIVING EMBODIMENT OF THE DISEASE ALL ALONG.
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PCG: ANYWAY PCG: THAT'S THE END OF HOW EVERYTHING'S MY FAULT COMPLETELY, AND I'M GARBAGE. PCG: HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT JADE! NOT THAT YOU SEEM TO RECALL THIS MEMO EVEN EXISTS. PCG: IF YOU SEE KANAYA IN DEATHBUBBLE HELL, PLEASE TELL HER I'M SORRY I LET HER DOWN. PCG: AND IF YOU SEE SOLLUX WANDERING AROUND TOO, LET HIM KNOW HOW ASHAMED I AM I DITCHED HIM LIKE A COWARD BECAUSE I HEARD A HORN GO HONK. PCG: AND TEREZI PCG: IF YOU SEE HER PCG: COULD YOU GIVE HER A MESSAGE FOR ME? PCG: TELL HER THAT PCG: ACTUALLY PCG: NEVER MIND. PCG: I'LL PROBABLY BE ABLE TO TELL THEM ALL IN PERSON SOON. PCG: SEEING AS AN IDIOT IN MAKEUP IS ABOUT TO ROLL OVER MY NAKED SQUEAL PIPETTE WITH A ONE WHEEL DEVICE. FGA: Sollux Is Okay FGA: Hes With Me Right Now PCG: HOLY SHIT PCG: YOU'RE ALIVE FGA: Hold On I Really Need To Change These Clothes
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terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] TC: it's all your fault. TG: ? TC: IT'S ALL YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN FAULT. TC: honk. TG: ok TC: YOU ALL CRACKED OFF THE TOP OF THE BOTTLE TO THOSE FUCKIN CLOWN IMPOSTORS. TC: that all were spraying out the flagrant motherfuckin heresies at me. TC: THE FLAGRANT MOTHER FUCKING HERESIES MOTHER FUCKER. TC: is what came out from their mouths, it made me get my sadness on to see it. TC: AND MY RAGE ON FUCKING HARDER. TG: im sorry TC: all my life i believed at a fuckin paradise to come what held the most baller, darkest of carnivals to join. TC: AND A PROPHECY TC: to tell all about a band of rowdy and capricious minstrels steeped in the good harshwhimsy. TC: THE MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS WERE FORETOLD TO BE CRASHING THAT FUCKING PIE STAND AND BRING THE HOLY RUCKUS. TC: like a giddy fuckin ninja one wheeling head long at the hugest fuckin horn heap shangri la's got to see. TC: I'M TALKING ABOUT THE VAST HONK, YOU BLASPHEMOUS MOTHERFUCKER. TC: what i believed in it to be was so beautiful, us and them all mellowing in tents, bumpin sounds, tossing back the faygo and soaking the miracles up our faith sponges, while the special stardust rained down at our elixir sticky faces, like a bunch a fuckin fairy powder from religion space. TC: IT WAS GOING TO BE US AND MOTHER FUCKING THEM. TC: them and mother fuckin us. :o( TG: this is like TG: some trolling schtick right TG: this icp shit TC: BUT NOW. TC: because of you. TC: BECAUSE OF ALL YOU AND YOUR FUCKING OUTRAGEOUSNESS. TC: you stole up all my miracles away by revealing at me how the wicked shit was really kicked. TC: LIKE SOME FILTHY FUCKING SCIENSTIFF WHO AT OLD TIMES WOULD BE RULED UNFUNNY WITHOUT EVEN GETTING HIS FUCKING TRIAL ON. TC: and now i don't know what to think about the spiritual fantasies i had. TC: HONK )o: TG: hahaha TG: best troll ever TG: i dont even care if you're really into this stuff or not its awesome TC: uhhhhh, what stuff? TG: like TG: horrorcore TG: lame clown rap and stuff TC: >:o? TG: dude are you an actual juggalo or not TC: bro, that word you used isn't nothing real i've heard of. TC: IT STRIKES AT ME AS ANOTHER HERETICAL FUCKING BASTARDIZATION OF SOME SACRED SHIT I TAKE SERIOUSLY IN MY PUMP BISCUIT. TC: i mean i guess, took seriously. TG: hahahahaha TG: do you really not know what im talking about TC: I HAVE THE IDEA THAT YOU PUT IN MY PAN TO SIT THERE. TC: that the paradise planet TC: IS A FUCKING JOKE. TC: and the miracles TC: ARE FAKE. TC: pure fiction. TC: FALSE FAKEY FRAUDY CON JOBS FROM A BUNCH OF UNFUNNY NINJA HARLEQUIN BULLSHIT ARTISTS. TG: ahaha TG: i cant even tell if youre trying to troll me with this or if you actually are having some weird emotional problem TC: can't it be motherfuckin TC: BOTH THINGS. TG: ok im telling you TG: you need to watch this video TG: the song isnt even supposed to be released for another year or something TG: but i got it from an inside source TG: this is as hot as it gets TG: hang on lemme dig it up
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TC: no. TC: MOTHER FUCK NO, BRO. TC: i'm not looking on any more of your blasphmemes. TC: I REALLY JUST CAME BACK ON YOU TO MOTHER FUCKING SAY. TC: that while that sickening noise you did at me is your fault TC: THERE'S SOMETHING I DID AT YOU WHAT'S MINE. TC: i did something that's motherfucking atrocious to your posse. TC: MADE YOUR WHOLE CREW OF JOKERS GET TO BEING KINDA MENTALLY MOTHER FUCKIN TC: unstable. TC: IN FUCKING FACT TC: that atrocious business i got to doing TC: I DID THAT SHIT TO YOUR WHOLE UNIVERSE AS A MATTER OF MOTHER FUCKING FACT. TC: you see TC: YOU MOTHER FUCKIN SEE TC: i finally got all caught up in what's true behind the sweet murdermirth of the bitchin bloodcircus. TC: I REACHED DEEP DOWN AND GOT AT WHERE ALL THE REAL HARSHWHIMSIES WERE HIDING INSIDE ME. TC: in the angriest ways i found up my dark ancestral chucklevoodoos within. TC: AND THEN
|PESTERLOG|
TG: none of that really meant anything but ok TG: also you have me confused for somebody else we never talked TG: i guarantee i would have remembered you TC: ALL THAT MOTHER FUCKIN MATTERS IS I REMEMBER YOU AND WHAT YOU DID. TC: i'm just all letting you in on the ways i set the high justice in motion. TC: MADE US MOTHERFUCKING SQUARE, YOU AND ME. TC: me and you. TG: thats cool juggalo guy who i still cant quite tell is ironic about this or not TG: but like i said either way its all good TC: HAHAHAHAHA, YOU DON'T MOTHER FUCKING BELIEVE. TC: you need to get more spirituality into your superstition ghost. TC: LIKE THE MOTHERFUCKING FAITHCHUMP THAT WHAT I WAS. TC: as if i'd forget to do my chucklevoodoos to you too. TC: TO FUCK UP YOUR DREAMS. TC: make your worst fears come alive and get up on their haunts in your naphappy pan. TG: what TG: what fears TC: YOU MOTHER FUCKING KNOW, BROTHER. TC: its the fuckin puppet. TC: THE ONE THAT'S ALL GOT TO BE MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND I GOT NOW. TC: now that my other buddy managed to be having his head chopped off. :oC TG: oh god TG: did my bro put you up to this TG: i should have guessed he might have a hand in some of these shitty trolling escapades TC: YOUR BRO'S DEAD BRO. TC: couldn't keep my new friend captive no more. TC: RELEASED YOUR NIGHTMARES RIGHT INTO MY WARM FUCKING EMBRACE. TC: and now i listen at what they whisper through my hear ducts. TG: hahaha jesus TG: you are fucking insane TC: I'M ALL HEARING THESE AMAZING MOTHERFUCKIN THINGS. TC: i think he'll help me refigure out what's the real reality about the miracles. TC: HE'LL HELP ME TO MOTHER FUCKIN DISCOVER THE TRUTH OF WHO THE MESSIAHS ARE. TC: the real messiahs, not the false mess a lies, hahahahaha. TC: HONK. TG: so TG: my bros idiotic ventriloquist dummy is responsible for this schizophrenic bullshit TG: is that what youre saying TC: motherfuuuuuck yes, bro. TG: what else does he say TC: HE SAYS TC: all in this funny little voice TC: THAT IS SO TC: very TC: VERY TC: very TC: VERY TC: quiet TC: THAT TC: it's time TC: TO GO TC: mother TC: FUCKING TC: kill TC: THEM TC: all. TG: welp TG: that sounds about right TG: better do what he says dude TC: YEAH. TC: hahaha, here was i to come at you with all these unruly upbraids i got pent up. TC: WHEN YOU KNOW MOTHERFUCKIN WHAT? TC: i should be gettin grateful to you for sharing at me your way ridic heresies, brother. TC: THE ROAD TO THE DARK CARNIVAL HAS NEVER BEFORE BEEN PAVED WITH LOUDER HONK HORNS TO TREAD UPON. TC: and scare the living motherfuck out of the lowblood faithless with each step. ;o) TG: hahahahahahahaha TG: you are either literally an insane psychopathic murderer or some kind of trolling savant TG: time to block you now but lets do this again ok TC: YOU FUCKIN KNOW IT, BRO. TC: i like you. TC: WOULDN'T MIND TAKING THAT PALE MARSHMALLOW YOU GOT AS A NUGBONE OFF YOUR SHOULDERS. TC: for this collection i got started on. TC: ADD A LITTLE STRAWBERRY JAM TO THIS PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH I'M MAKING BETWEEN MY MOTHER FUCKING LIPS. TG: holy shit TC: hey, before you go TC: HOW ABOUT THAT WE TC: slam a little. ;oD TG: uh
They both then proceeded to have one of the best rap-offs in the history of paradox space.
I think now would be a good time for another round of reeducation regarding her purpose. A little refresher on the prestigious employment opportunity for which she is being groomed.
It is a tale to remind her of the sacrifice she must make. One serving to remind all of her people of the sacrifice once made by long forgotten heroes in a discarded reality. It is of this sacrifice the Sufferer died to speak the truth, and it is his tale I will tell you now.
Once, in this very universe, you could say, Alternia was home to a peaceful race. Trollkind had never known the corrupting influence in their evolution which led them to perpetual war and violence.
That is to say, they had never known me.
As was true of the bellicose world we know, there came to be twelve heroes on this peaceful planet. These heroes too had twelve ancestors whose fortunes were entwined with theirs. These twenty-four figures of legend were not of this world but sent from the sky, delivered from a reality not yet conceived.
On the eve of their race's extinction, the twelve heroes would begin playing a game. They would make an admirable effort, but they would fail. Their civilization had not prepared them for the rigors of this game, and the ultimate reward would fall shy of their grasp. But their failure was more comprehensive, more systemic, than a result of simple inadequacy so common to young players of this game. Though they could not recognize it for the bad omen it was, this session was not the one in which they had been spawned. Such is the symptom of a subtle glitch affecting certain sessions, an error designed to trigger an unfathomable cascade of misfortune throughout paradox space. This glitch is the calling card of the one I serve. It is the discreet, gentlemanly manner in which he reserves his place in a universe for later visitation.
The heroes, understanding their defeat was absolute, sought advice from the mother of all monsters. She offered them a choice. The heroes could either accept their defeat along with the extinction of their race, and put no others at risk. Or, she could show them a path to a second chance, to a reality in which the chosen heroes of their race would be strong enough to succeed with ease, and claim the reward. This reset would come at the cost of wiping the failed heroes from existence. They would live new lives from scratch, playing different roles in the reset reality, with no memory of the game they played or the choice they made.
The heroes chose to accept this bargain, and scratched their session. In doing so they jumpstarted the reality in which the twenty-four figures of legend would together be created - and I as well - and then sent back in time to take our places in history. Though I was delivered well before history even began, before the dawning of life on their planet. This time around, I would oversee its development, and thus fulfill the mother's promise of an aggressive, ruthlessly prepared group of heroes. One that would not rest until victory was secured.
The young twenty-four would again be scattered in two groups, twelve modern contemporaries, and twelve ancients. But in addition to losing their memories of everything that had happened before the scratch, there was another catch for the failed heroes. In the new reality, they would not serve as the heroes. They would mature to become the ancestors of the twelve they formerly regarded as theirs, and this twelve would be chosen for glory. These children would be the heroes to achieve victory, and have the reward easily within reach.
Of course this promise was fulfilled to the letter, as you have seen. The entire bargain was executed without a single hitch, as those authorized by my master always are. There was however one minor anomaly. One of the failed heroes, in his new life as an ancient on this now brutal planet, began to remember. This is his story.
Few ever knew the Sufferer's given name, presuming quite reasonably he had none, and he came to be called Signless. Unlike his peers distributed elsewhere in history, he was not given a sign at a young age. Alas, there were no signs reserved for one of his mutant blood. His genetic deviation from the social order made him a pariah, forcing him to wander the world alone for many sweeps, concealing the color of his blood to avoid certain execution.
But it may also have been due to his mutation that he began to have the visions. Spontaneous, lucid imagery of his world in peace, before its fall. He would never see the complete picture, or fully understand his previous incarnation's role in prompting this fall, or know of my hand in it. But the visions showed him all he needed to see. They held the promise of his people's true potential, beneath the ages of conditioned cruelty. They held the spark of revolution.
In time, the visions gave purpose to his travels. He would preach heretical ideas no one else had dared to entertain, let alone risk discussing. He espoused the virtues of forgiveness, compassion, and equality among all bloodlines. He distributed his message intelligently, careful to preach only to those receptive, never attracting unwelcome attention. But his growing movement could go unnoticed by the authorities for only so long.
The highbloods were livid over the unprecedented heresy, and soon, a massive sectarian war followed, spreading across the planet and throughout the galaxy. The conflict was lopsided of course, with the Highbloods given full support from the Condesce and her sea dwellers. Inevitably, the Signless would be captured, and when he was, it was not a matter of whether he would be put to the irons, but how hot they would be if he failed to recant.
During his penance, it was said the Sufferer's compassion for his people underwent a divine transformation, into limitless, burning rage. It burned hotter than the irons shackling him to the imperial flogging jut, and redder than the blood soaking his Righteous Leggings. When he was finally killed, his anger rung through the cosmos with his last breath. This Vast Expletive was his final sermon, and somewhere encoded in its wavelengths was the truth in his teachings, waiting to reveal itself to any who would inherit his burden.
His teachings would also persist through surviving disciples, but in hushed tones. His following would dwindle to an obscure cult facing persecution for centuries. After his execution, the body was burned leaving only his irons. They cooled in the ash, as if his anger itself was subsiding, and his followers appropriated their shapes in defiance of the Highbloods. The symbols became the sign of the Signless, always shown as colorless as the cold iron, to conceal the stigma of his hue. This was as much a reminder to his followers to remain hidden as it was of the Sufferer's sacrifice, and his rage hidden like heat in the iron, one day to be reignited by another of his bloodline.
The Sufferer preached that after he passed, another Signless would come, heralding the end times for their planet. The Second Signless would continue his work, and lead his people to glory beyond this realm. The followers kept his teachings alive for ages, even as the uproar surrounding the movement subsided. By modern times, the Sufferer's scripture was little more than ancient superstition all but forgotten. Hardly the anathema of old. But the followers had already made their preparations in the shadows, and when the Second Signless finally came he would have a lusus to raise him and a sign to his name.
The Sufferer required a less conventional upbringing to reach maturity. As a young grub, he landed in the brooding caverns where he would be expected to face his trials. But due to his mutation, surely no lusus would select him. No creature sympathetic to his scent had been bred yet. His odds for survival would have been remote, if not for a chance encounter.
The Dolorosa belonged to the rare class assigned strictly to serving the mother grub in the caverns, forbidden from visiting the surface. While on an errand, she found the young Sufferer in his crater and immediately recognized the child as special, as well as in great danger. For an adult troll to raise a child was unthinkable, but she saw no other hope for him. The Dolorosa abandoned her duties in the caverns, and fled to the surface to raise him.
In time, she would become the first follower of his teachings, and the first of his inner circle. But not his closest.
Surrounding him on his rise to infamy and throughout the rebellion were the most trusted elites among his devoted. The <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/psiwhite.gif" border="0" />iioniic was a mage of unequaled telekinetic ability, who upon hearing the words of the Sufferer was inspired to free himself from the sort of slavery typical of his mentally gifted class.
But his most devoted of all was his Disciple. She listened to every vision he retold, every lesson he preached, and faithfully recorded his scripture. Her ear was open to him always, and in time, his heart opened to her. To spread his message throughout the world they took to the seas in the vessel of legend known as the First Ship. It was said their love went beyond the four quadrants, transcending the grid entirely. Whatever that nonsense actually means.
The Disciple was to be killed along with him. But at the last moment, the E%ecutor inexplicably took pity on her, and allowed her to escape. She absconded with the Leggings, which remained the only physical evidence of his holy suffering. She hid in caves for many sweeps, transcribing all of his scripture from memory on the walls in the blood of slain creatures, and lived the rest of her days in monastic savagery. Her dedication would be critical to the persistence of his message.
But the Dolorosa was less fortunate, and was sold into slavery. She spent the rest of her life as property of vicious sea dwellers. As for the <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/psiwhite.gif" border="0" />iioniic, he was enlisted in a far worse, if more prestigious service.
He was forced to serve as the Helmsman for Her Condescension's imperial battleship. Psychics of his kind were exploited for interstellar travel, and his abilities made her ship the fastest in the fleet by far. She grew so enamored of her Helmsman and his power, she would use her touch to extend his lifespan to match her own.
Together they explored the stars for thousands of years. Due to the speed of her ship, she would personally expand the boundaries of her empire, typically being the first to greet new races before conquering them.
After making first contact, occasions which she generally kept cordial, she would move on to new territory while a division of her fleet set a course for the unfortunate civilization, and proceeded to tear it apart. It could be any of the lethal brigades under her command to receive the orders, be it the Threshecutioners, Cavalreapers, Laughsassins, or Ruffiannihilators. Each was notoriously cruel in its own way, and each carried out orders with absolute loyalty. Because while the Condesce could extend a single life on her whim, she could just as casually cut short that of millions.
If angered, she could simply express her grievance through communion with her ancient lusus of the deep, and turn its psychic devastation on her multitudes. The class hierarchy played into her hands politically in this respect. Killing off a haphazard swathe of the population, or an entire class, was suitable as a measure of last resort, but mass extermination does not lend itself well to practical governance. Its looming threat however is quite effective, especially while her empire was partitioned neatly into blood castes. She could use her leverage to delegate oppression to the subjugglators, whose unique abilities and exceptional brutality made them natural enforcers. They too would delegate in their governance, exploiting the pride and loyalty of dangerous bluebloods beneath them, and so on down the hemospectrum, until the enslavement of the common castes was inescapable, in spite of their genetic gifts and strength in numbers. As a self-governing body, the land dwelling portion of her empire was formidable. But her force of sea dwellers was equally formidable, and the two were kept in check not only with the threat of psychic annihilation, but their mutual hatred and distrust.
The only threat to her power was unification through uprising, a possibility made remote once she fully decentralized the race from the homeworld. She scattered all but the children throughout the galaxy after the most recent rebellion led by the Summoner. Upon doing so, she became so comfortable with her grip on power, she risked venturing deeper into space than ever before to grow her empire.
But the more space she put between herself and Gl'bgolyb, the more she risked weakening her bond with the monster. The bond she and her successor shared with it exclusively could sway, and become strengthened with the younger. Perhaps she grew complacent with the threat successors posed, after such a long history of killing them with ease. Heiresses upon reaching maturity were expected to challenge the Condesce for the throne. It was not merely expected of them by their people, but demanded by their shared lusus.
I like to think of her as the pet I gave to their race, at the dawning of their species' evolution. Like a sentience-warming gift. Again, it's just the sort of thing a good host does.
If the lapse in her custodial bond was significant enough, it was not just political power she risked. At such a distance, she sacrificed concentration needed to curb its most dreadful psychic shriek of all, the galaxy-wide extinction event called the Vast Glub.
Of course this eventuality proved a fitting reward for such reckless expansion of her territory. She chose the worst time possible to explore further from the homeworld than she'd ever been. She was scouring the edge of the galaxy for systems to plunder when she received word of her planet's devastation by meteors. The young were being slaughtered. The mother grub was dead. The end times were upon her people.
She ordered all fleets to return to Alternia. But such was her empire's expansion and interplanetary occupation, few could make it in time to provide any meaningful defense. She instructed her Helmsman to pilot the ship faster than he ever had, and he did so through extreme physical duress. He was able to leap across thousands of light years in a matter of hours. The exertion likely would have killed him, if the Glub didn't get to him first. Her touch could extend life, but never restore it, to her lament.
In that instant, her empire was gone. Gl'bgolyb's swan song wiped out her entire race, save the Condesce and her lone heiress, leaving the empire nothing more than a galactic necropolis of floating tombs.
She was forced to continue the journey home on auxiliary power. Her ship now travels near the speed of light, a pale shadow of its former velocity. It would take her another 612 solar sweeps after the Glub to reach her destination.
She should arrive any minute now. When she does, she will find nothing but ruins and dust. If she cared to look closer, she would find a city of slain exiles, a man on the moon, and a pair of black lovers locked in a deadly dance. But whether she looks or not, one thing will find her with certainty.
Anyway, the last of the twelve ancestors arrived a bit late. In fact, she would cross through her portal six centuries after the descendants had come and gone. There weren't many left to look after her, so she ended up in foster care.
I remember it like it was yesterday. And for one who has as much time on his hands as I, it essentially was.
I would raise the girl to be groomed for her calling. My lessons would emphasize obedience, mastery of the clockwork majyyks, and being locked in a room.
As you must have gathered by now, my employer will enter this universe quite soon. I will then relinquish my custody to him, and she will serve as his Handmaid for an eternity to be specified. As you must have also gathered, she has already done so. Though her most common of blood should have let her expire in just a dozen or two sweeps, his curse kept her very much alive.
His curse is one of conditional mortality, with the desired outcome contingent on her service. When I release her, she will take her place at his side, and travel through time to carry out his orders.
While I am his weapon of subtlety and precision, the Handmaid is strictly an apparatus of terror and suffering. We have both paved the road to his arrival, I in my way and she in hers. She would be present during every watershed moment in her civilization's development. Her recurrance in history would earn her the reputation of a demoness, more feared than even her master, a man though dreadful rarely makes himself seen. She stirred up class warfare and intensified bigotry in whatever era she haunted. She made sure the descendents would enter a world which prepared them well for the game, and took measures to see that they would play as they did.
But once they entered and their world was in ashes, her work was nearly complete. Now, six centuries later, she would be given one last order to follow before her curse was lifted.
The Handmaid will enlist the Condesce, extending the same bargain once offered to her. It will be the sort involving neither negotiation nor possibility of refusal, expressed in terms plainly understood by the psychotic genocidal. The Condesce will serve as her new master's witch, carrying out his work in the places he cannot reach.
The two last trolls alive, blood of rust and royalty, will make each other pay for the crimes against their race. Their payment will be mutually dealt in the currency of punishment and reward at once. The Condesce will be rewarded with the power and immortality her new service entails, and punished by the grueling slavery for which it is synonymous. And you, young lady, are to be punished by death at the hands of your replacement. And so too will this be your reward.
And so, my dear, that is the inspiring tale of your people, and why you should feel rather privileged to be in the position for which I have groomed you meticulously. Are you not grateful? Yes, surely you are, and it warms the soft fluffy material in my chest to know this. What is it? What are you looking at over there?
Ah, of course. The clock. I can see you have a good eye for a fine timepiece. Your exemplary taste is certainly owed to a quality upbringing. Perhaps you wish to know the history of the clock, and how I came to possess it? Yes, I can see the sparkle of curiosity in your eye. It's a marvelous tale, one almost as long as it is verbosely told. Where do I even begin...
STORY TIME'S OVER WIND BAG WHOOPS OH SHIT GET THIS FUCKIN' CLOCK OUTTA MY WAY. I AM A ONE MAN STAMPEDE AND I'VE GOT A BROOM AND THAT PEAL OF SPLINTERING WOOD YOU HEAR IS THE LAST GASP OF A PRICELESS ANTIQUE DISINTEGRATING BENEATH THE OUTRAGEOUS FURY OF MY AUTHORIAL HOOVES.
If I have to put up with one more smug meandering interlude in my own story I am going to crack your head open and serve you a heaping bowl full of your downy soft puppet ass. How do you like that for hospitality, Doc?
I BELIEVE YOU WILL FIND THAT AS HOSTS GO, I AM SIMPLY THE BEST THERE IS.
And the Knight of Blood so embraced the Bard of Rage, and in each other's arms they were aquiver. And with righteous pap and blessed shoosh he did quell his brother's fury. For the Knight looked upon his Bard all acting up and completely losing his shit and he did resolve to calmeth his juggalo ass right the fuck down. And so calmed down his juggalo ass was and would continueth to be for all time. And the Knight in totally settling a murderous clown's ludicrous shit down proper said, Let there be Moirallegiance: and it was so. And between moirails would flow bounteous mirth, and they did hug bumpeth plentifully, and honks of reconciliation echoed far and true into the darkness upon the face of the deep.
|PESTERLOG|
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] CG: THE PASSWORD IS CG: SEE YOU SOON CG: OK UH CG: I'M GOING TO TAKE YOUR LACK OF RESPONSE AS TACIT VERIFICATION. CG: ALSO CG: THIS PRETTY MUCH HAS TO BE THE LAST CONVERSATION WE HAVE, RIGHT? CG: YOUR TIMELINE CUTS OUT COMPLETELY IN A MINUTE OR TWO BECAUSE OF THE SCRATCH. CG: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT UP THERE? CG: ARE YOU HYPNOTIZED BY THE FLASHY SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK. CG: THAT'S BEEN GOING ON EVER SINCE JOHN STARTED SCRATCHING THAT BIG GODDAMN RECORD, AREN'T YOU ACCLIMATED TO IT BY NOW? CG: HELLO???????????? CG: HARLEY, JEGUS MOTHER OF SCREAMING FUCK. CG: WHATEVER, I HAVE SHIT TO DO NOW. CG: I GUESS I SHOULD BE KEEPING AN EYE IN THE SKY TOO NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT. CG: THE BRIGHT GREEN BEACON SHOULD BE APPEARING ANY MINUTE, ASSUMING YOU ACTUALLY MANAGE TO BLOW UP THE SUN. CG: AND THEN CG: WELL, THEN I GUESS MAYBE WE ALL GET TO HANG OUT? CG: WHILE MAYBE ALSO NOT BEING IN UNYIELDING MORTAL PERIL??? CG: IT'S GETTING KIND OF OLD, FRANKLY. CG: OK, WELL THIS IS A PRETTY CRAPPY FAREWELL, BUT I GUESS IT'LL HAVE TO DO SINCE THERE IS SOME SERIOUSLY SHOW-STOPPING SHIT TRANSPIRING UP THERE IN FUCKING OUTER SPACE. CG: LATER JADE, I'M GOING TO GO MAKE SURE JOHN KNOWS WHAT THE HELL HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DOING. CG: AND IN CASE NONE OF THIS WORKS AND WE DON'T ACTUALLY GET TO MEET CG: I GUESS I SHOULD SAY... CG: SINCE APPARENTLY MY GUTLESS FUTURE SELF CAN'T EXPRESS HIMSELF AND NEVER GOT AROUND TO SAYING SO CG: THUS LEAVING IT UP TO ME AS USUAL CG: TO SAY CG: THAT GG: oh sorry! GG: i was distracted CG: OH GG: no not by all the scratchy stuff in the sky GG: theres something coming down... CG: WHAT
Hey check it out. Every week we'll be revealing some new troll characters from Hiveswap until Act 2 is out. Follow the Troll Call here, and meet the first two here. Expect a few more surprises like this to drop in coming weeks.
