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A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, is this young man's birthday. Though it was thirteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!
Your name is JOHN. As was previously mentioned it is your BIRTHDAY. A number of CAKES are scattered about your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIES. You like to program computers but you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness for PARANORMAL LORE, and are an aspiring AMATEUR MAGICIAN. You also like to play GAMES sometimes.
In here you keep an array of humorous and mystical ARTIFACTS, each one a devastating weapon in the hands of a SKILLED MAGICIAN or a CUNNING PRANKSTER.
You are neither of these things.
Among the ARTIFACTS are: TWO (2) FAKE ARMS [CURRENTLY CAPTCHALOGUED IN YOUR SYLLADEX], ONE (1) PAIR OF TRICK HANDCUFFS, ONE (1) STUNT SWORD, ONE (1) MAGICIAN'S HAT, ONE (1) PAIR OF BEAGLE PUSS GLASSES, SEVERAL (~) SMOKE PELLETS, SEVERAL (~) BLOOD CAPSULES, and ONE (1) COPY OF COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY, and ONE (1) COPY OF HARRY ANDERSON'S "WISE GUY", BY MIKE CAVENEY.
Some of this stuff may come in handy at some point. For now, you decide to just take the SMOKE PELLETS.
You aren't totally sure if "EQUIP" is a verb copasetic with the abstract behavioral medium in which you dwell, but you give it a try anyway.
Unfortunately, you cannot access the FAKE ARMS! Their card is underneath the one you just used to captchalogue the SMOKE PELLETS. You will have to use the pellets first in order to access the arms. But this is probably unadvisable, since you'd just make your room lousy with smoke!
Your SYLLADEX'S FETCH MODUS is currently dictated by the logic of a STACK DATA STRUCTURE. You were never all that great with data structures and you find the concept puzzling and mildly irritating.
But with any hope, perhaps you will advance new, more practical FETCH MODI for your SYLLADEX with a little more experience.
You captchalogue FOUR (4) NAILS into the top card, and push all the ARTIFACTS down a card.
The FAKE ARMS are pushed entirely out of the deck!!!
Oh well. They're probably completely useless anyway. But you probably don't want to do that again, unless you want to drop the SMOKE PELLETS and suffer the consequences.
In any case, you now feel like you have gathered enough things to get down to business and do some really important stuff. The next thing you do will probably be exceptionally meaningful.
You are sick to death of cake!!! You've been eating it all day. And you have no intention of clogging your SYLLADEX with it either. The CAKE stays put for now.
You hear a notice from your COMPUTER. Someone is messaging you.
You pull up to your COMPUTER. This is where you spend most of your time. You decorated your desktop with some rather handsome WALLPAPER which you made yourself. You are really proud of it.
Your desktop is also littered with various PROGRAMMING PROJECT FILES. You are so bad at programming sometimes you wonder why you even bother with it.
Your PESTERCHUM application is flashing. Someone is trying to get in touch with you.
|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:13 --
TG: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today EB: i got a little monsters poster, it's so awesome. i'm going to watch it again today, the applejuice scene was so funny. TG: oh hell that is such a coincidence i just found an unopened container of apple juice in my closet it is like fucking christmas up in here EB: ok thats fine, but i just have one question and then a word of caution. have you ever seen a movie called little monsters starring howie mandel and fred savage? TG: but TG: the seal on the bottle is unbroken TG: are you suggesting someone put piss in my apple juice at the factory EB: all im saying is don't you think monster howie mandel has the power to do something as simple as reseal a bottle? EB: try using your brain numbnuts. TG: why did the fat kid or whoever drank it know what piss tasted like TG: i mean his reaction was nigh instantaneous EB: it was the 15th day in a row howie mandel peed in his juice. TG: ok i can accept that TG: monster B-list celebrity douchebags are cunning and persistent pranksters TG: also fred savage has a really punchable face TG: but who cares about this lets stop talking about it TG: did you get the beta yet EB: no. EB: did you? TG: man i got two copies already TG: but i dont care im not going to play it or anything the game sounds boring TG: did you see how it got slammed in game bro???? EB: game bro is a joke and we both know it. TG: yeah TG: why dont you go check your mail maybe its there now EB: alright.
Hanging from the tree is your TIRE SWING. In a kid's yard, a tree without a tire swing is like a proper gentleman without a monocle. That is to say, HE CAN HARDLY BE CONSIDERED A TERRIBLY PROPER GENTLEMAN AT ALL.
The little red arm-swingy-dealy thing or whatever it is called is flipped up!
What the hell is that thing called anyway. You do not have time for these semantics. The red flippy-lever thing means you have new mail. And that means the beta might be here!
If you go down stairs to get it, he will likely monopolize hours of your time. You decide to chill out up here for a while until the dust settles.
Sometimes you feel like you are trapped in this room. Stuck, if you will, in a sense which possibly borders on the titular.
And now your chum is pestering you again. The clockwork of friendship turns ceaselessly, operating the swing-lever dealies of harassment in perpetuity!
You decide to consult with the Colonel's bottomless wisdom. Good grief this thing is huge. It could kill a cat if you dropped it.
But to really dig into this hefty book, you will have to captchalogue it. You are not sure you are ready to logjam your other ARTIFACTS beneath it just yet.
You don't think the situation is quite dire enough to go all the way to "RANCOROUS", but you still feel the PESTERCHUM client should reflect your mood change in some way.
"BULLY" will have to do. You guess.
This unsurprisingly does nothing whatsoever.
Oh, right, you forgot your chum is still pestering you.
|PESTERLOG|
TG: is it there TG: plz say yes TG: maybe you can play with TT shes been pestering me all day about it TG: shes mackin on me so hard all the time i start to feel embarrassed for her TG: i mean not that i can blame her or anything EB: yes, it is understandable because you are really attractive. i am attracted to you. TG: thank you EB: jk haha. EB: no, i don't have it yet. EB: my dad has the mail and i guess i have to go get it from him and see if it's there. EB: and i've been busy spending all afternoon shitting around with my stupid sylladex. EB: it's so frustrating. TG: whats your modus EB: what? TG: how do you retrieve artifacts from it EB: oh. like one at a time i guess. and if i put too much in, something falls out. TG: stack?? hahahahahaha EB: what is yours? TG: hash map TG: my bro taught me a few tricks he basically knows everything and is awesome EB: what the hell is that? TG: you should probably brush up on your data structures EB: i guess. TG: did you at least allocate your strife specibus EB: no. TG: it could free up a card for you TG: plus let you attack stuff whenever things get too hot to handle TG: which is never TG: what have you got EB: well, i've got a hammer but it's trapped under some arms. TG: wow you really suck at this dont you TG: just get rid of the arms and then allocate the hammer to the specibus EB: how? TG: i dont know just use the arms on any old thing and see if it works
|PESTERLOG|
EB: ok, i did it. TG: hammerkind? EB: yeah. TG: ok that will be the permanent allocation for your specibus TG: i guess i should have mentioned that EB: uh... TG: hope you like hammers dude! EB: yeah, that's fine i guess. i can't imagine it's going to be all that relevant.
Now that you've got some space in your SYLLADEX to work with, you figure you might as well start squandering it immediately.
Ordinarily this ridiculous book would be way too heavy to carry around in any practical way. You guess maybe this is one respect in which the cards present some convenience.
On one wall hangs a picture of a fella who sure knows how to have a laugh, a man after your own heart. You always thought he looked a lot like Michael Cera. But your DAD swears on the many HALLOWED TOMBS of Egypt that it is not. You're not sure about that though.
On the other wall is one of your DAD'S stupid clowns. Or HARLEQUINS, as he is quick to correct anyone who would venture such brazen assumption.
The accursed odor of fresh baking wafts into your newfound nostrils. Something is brewing in the KITCHEN. It must be the connivings of your arch nemesis, BETTY CROCKER, and the rich, buttery aroma of her plot stinks to high heaven.
This mission is going to be more difficult than you imagined.
A bright orange flame flickers in the FIREPLACE. It doesn't matter that it's April and not terribly chilly outside. In a home, a FIREPLACE needs a fire, because that's what FIREPLACE is for. A fire BELONGS in a FIREPLACE, dammit, cata(ptcha)gorically, at all times, without exception.
As domestic myth of unaccountable origin holds, a home borrows the spirit of the flame for as long as it makes a guest of it, much as the moon takes liberty with the sun's rays.
"The moon's an arrant thief, and her pale fire she snatches from the sun." -Mark Twain
You examine the SACRED URN containing your departed NANNA'S ASHES.
When your father gives her portrait a wistful glance now and then, you can tell it brings back painful memories. A tall bookshelf. A ladder. An unabridged COLONEL SASSACRE'S.
|PESTERLOG|
TT: I understand you have recently come into possession of the beta release of "The Game of the Year", as featured in respectable periodicals such as GameBro Magazine. EB: that's an ugly rumor. EB: whoever told you that is a filthy liar. EB: and you should probably stop hitting on him all the time or whatever. TT: I can't control myself. TT: I must have a weakness for insufferable pricks. EB: anyway i still haven't checked the mail, my dad has it. EB: i'm trying to go get it from him, so brb TT: John. EB: what? TT: You're wearing one of your disguises now, aren't you? TT: You are typing to me right now while wearing something ridiculous. EB: no, why would you even think that?? EB: that's so stupid. TT: Ok. TT: Why don't you go get the game from your father? EB: alright, wish me luck. EB: oh, btw... EB: jk I was wearing a funny disguise this whole time. EB: gotcha! hehehehe TT: I know, John.
The door on the left leads to the KITCHEN, from which the smell of baking wafts -- a powerful aroma which could lift an especially portly hobo off his feet.
The door on the right leads to the STUDY, where your DAD spends a lot of time.
Your DAD maintains numerous pipes around the household. A father without a pipe is like a strapping roughneck without a toothpick. That is to say, HE IS A RATHER PISS-POOR EXCUSE FOR A ROUGHNECK IF YOU ASK ME.
You'd rather not take the PIPE, though. The first one tastes bad enough as it is.
You go back into the LIVING ROOM and contemplate checking the mailbox outside. You think perhaps you should exhaust all possibilities before plunging headlong into a DAD encounter.
The streets are empty. Wind skims the voids keeping neighbors apart, as if grazing the hollow of a cut reed, or say, a plundered mailbox. A familiar note is produced. It's the one Desolation plays to keep its instrument in tune.
It is your thirteenth birthday, and as with all twelve preceding it, something feels missing from your life. The game presently eluding you is only the latest sleight of hand in the repertoire of an unseen riddler, one to engender a sense not of mirth, but of lack. His coarse schemes are those less of a prankster than a common pickpocket. His riddle is Absence itself. It is a mystery dispersing altogether, like the moon's faint reflection, with even one pebble of inquiry dropped in its black well. It is the most diabolical riddle of all.
"Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire." -Walt Whitman
Yes, you are certain Walt Whitman said that. One hundred percent positive.
The door is locked and your DAD has the CAR KEYS. You peer in through the driver's side window.
You don't see any mail, but you do see a GREEN PACKAGE. There is also something underneath it that looks like a slip of paper.
Could these items have come in the mail? You don't see anything else that's usually in the mail, like bills and coupons. Maybe your DAD forgot to take this stuff inside.
You try to get a gander through the KITCHEN WINDOW, but you can't see a whole lot! It seems your DAD has been doing so much baking, the glass has steamed up.
God he is so weird.
But you can see what's on the table just beside the window. It looks like the mail is there! Included among it is a RED PACKAGE, some BILLS, your DAD'S PDA, and an envelope that appears to be suspiciously labeled with the SBURB LOGO. Could it be???
You enter the BATHROOM. You can see your BACK YARD from the window. The jewel in its crown is the SWING SET which has provided you with years of joy. There is also a SPRING-MOUNTED POGO-RIDE, which has been responsible for more than one painful injury, and has provided you with years of lament.
On the sink is your DAD'S RAZOR. On the rack to the side is a FRESH TOWEL.
|PESTERLOG|
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:34 --
GG: hi happy birthday john!!!!! <3 GG: helloooooo?? GG: ok i will talk to you later!!! :D
-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:56 --
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:40 --
TG: hey GG is looking for you why are you even so popular all of a sudden TG: is today some sort of special occasion or something TG: did you do something to curry favor with ladies TG: did you break your leg on a puppy or some shit TG: dude what are you doing
-- turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! --
EB: i discovered a comet that is going to destroy the earth, and it was named after me. EB: now i am famous, and everyone wants to talk to me a lot. TG: no stop TG: just no TG: dont talk about your awful stupid movies or make references to them TG: your gross man-bro crush on matt macconahay is an unsavory thing to behold EB: mcconaughey. TG: sounds like a noise a horse would make TG: ie dumb TG: equally dumb are all those pictures of that clown youve got hanging up EB: those are my dad's. TG: i was talking about nick cage EB: oh, what?! no man, cage is sweet. so sweet. TG: ha ha so lame TG: you dont even like him ironically or anything this is like for real isnt it TG: hahaha EB: i do things ironically sometimes. EB: what about what i sent you for your birthday? TG: no those are awesome EB: what? no, they're stupid, which was the joke. the IRONIC joke. get it? EB: wait... EB: you're actually wearing them, aren't you? TG: im wearing them ironically TG: because theyre awesome TG: the fact that theyre ironic makes them awesome TG: and vice versa TG: are you taking notes on how to be cool?? jesus get a fucking pen EB: you do realize they touched stiller's weird, sort of gaunt face at some point. TG: ew yeah TG: oh well TG: anyway speaking of which TG: did you get the mail EB: yeah. TG: did there happen to be a package there EB: yeah, there's a big red one. TG: you should probably open it EB: i would, but it's trapped under the sburb beta, so i will probably open it after i install the beta. TG: oh man the beta came EB: yeah! wanna play it? TG: haha no way EB: why not! TG: it sounds so HELLS of boring just get TT to play it she is all about that EB: where'd she go. TG: her internet is blinking in and out i guess TG: probably be back online soon TG: oh and christ in a sidecar are you still using the stack modus??? TG: seriously dude TG: you need to BONE UP on your data structures that shit is just ridiculous EB: ok, i will.
You turn to the back inside cover, where a free FETCH MODUS is included in a plastic sleeve.
This one is dictated by the logic of a QUEUE DATA STRUCTURE, operating on a "First In, First Out" method, rather than a "First In, Last Out" method of a STACK.
Items captchalogued in your SYLLADEX are no longer immediately accessible. You can only use the item on the bottom card, and must wait for items on upper cards to be pushed back to it.
For instance, the RED PACKAGE is now inaccessible. You can only use the RAZOR at the moment.
This modus doesn't strike you as a significant upgrade to your previous one. In fact, it almost seems more inconvenient. You figure you might as well give it a chance though.
It is a STUFFED BUNNY. Much like the one held hostage briefly by Malkovich's Cyrus "The Virus" while taunting hard-luck protagonist Cameron Poe. And strikingly similar to the one scooped up from the soot of a burning Vegas strip by Cage's Poe and offered to his daughter, a gesture symbolic of a tattered exterior surrounding a heart of gold. Poe wasn't much to look at. But he was a good man.
But no, it is not merely LIKE that bunny. According to this NOTE OF AUTHENTICITY, it is the VERY SAME BUNNY.
|PESTERLOG|
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:08 --
TT: It looks like you managed to retrieve the beta. Excellent. TT: I'm going to try to connect. EB: whoa ok but i just got the most awesome present. TT: The rabbit? EB: SO SWEET. TT: I've heard tales of this wretched creature often. Its Homeric legend is practically ensconced in the fold of my personal mythology by now. EB: ha ha, what? TT: Why don't we focus on the matter at hand? EB: oh the game, ok. EB: i don't really know how this works. what am i even looking at here? TT: You are running the client application. I am running the server, so I am the host user. I have established a connection with you. This is sufficient for us to play the game. EB: oh, ok then. TT: Why don't we get started?
|PESTERLOG|
EB: whoa, what are you doing?? TT: Sorry. I'm just getting a feel for the controls. EB: is my magic chest on the roof now?? TT: Yes. EB: :( TT: I will try to be more careful next time.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: hey, do you think you could do me a favor? EB: can you grab all that stuff outside my broken window and bring it in for me? TT: I'll give it a shot. EB: thx! TT: No luck. TT: It appears to be out of range. I'm guessing it is too far away from you, the "player". EB: :C
|PESTERLOG|
TT: It seems expanding the dimensions of your room cost us some "Build Grist". TT: But deploying the lathe did not appear to incur any expense. TT: It looks like certain objects are freebies, probably to help you set up the game. EB: wow, ok. EB: what do they do? TT: I think it's up to you to find out. TT: All I can do is drop stuff in your house, and move it around, apparently. EB: how do i move stuff around? it sounds fun! TT: I don't think you can as the client. You will need to install the server application. TT: You should have received both in separate envelopes. I am running both on my computer right now. EB: what?? TT: Did you get another envelope in the mail? EB: no! TT: Once you install the server and establish a connection, I'm sure you will be able to manipulate my environment in the same manner. TT: Are you sure you didn't get it? EB: oh man. EB: i think i might know where it is.
|PESTERLOG|
TT: Now that your room is bigger, why don't you move to the far corner? TT: It will extend the range of the cursor, and I can reach the items. TT: Which... you threw out the window for some reason? EB: good idea! TT: What have you been doing in here all afternoon, anyway? EB: ugh, i was fussing with my retarded sylladex. EB: but i think i have it under control now. EB: what modus do you use? TT: I like to use trees. EB: oh no, that sounds so awkward. TT: It's not exceptionally practical. TT: But I think they are elegant.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: why is the floor shaking? EB: are you dropping more stuff in my house? TT: Yes. Two more large gizmos. EB: sweet! EB: what is with all these big contraptions? TT: If I had to guess, they appear to facilitate a sort of system involving punch card-based alchemy. EB: huh. EB: to what end? EB: i mean what are we supposed to be doing in this game? TT: That remains to be seen. TT: Maybe you should go investigate?
|PESTERLOG|
EB: hey, i'm out on the balcony now. EB: i am messaging from my dad's pda. TT: The one you threw into the yard? EB: no, i am telling you. EB: it jumped out of my sylladex like a frightened weasel. TT: What were you doing with it in the first place? TT: I am not sensing a lot of regard for the personal property of others. TT: Is this how your pent-up frustration with your father manifests itself? EB: what? no. EB: those were all accidents. EB: please take your psycho-babblery elsewhere, miss! TT: Your bathroom is a mess. TT: Did you do that too? EB: oh man, see this isn't cool. EB: all this snooping nonsense! TT: There's a cake in the toilet. EB: yes. there is. TT: I'm tempted to clean it up for you. EB: ok, if that will satisfy your weird ocd complex then go ahead. TT: My Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder complex? TT: Can a disorder also be a complex? EB: in your case, probably! TT: Sounds complicated. EB: anyway... EB: i am going to have a look at this enormous platformy thing you put on the balcony.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: what was that noise? EB: is this something i should go investigate? TT: No, I have it under control. TT: You can keep playing with your telescope.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: augh! TT: I think I can patch it up. TT: Just give me a little space. TT: Why don't you go have a look at the Cruxtruder? EB: the what? TT: The thing I put in your living room.
|PESTERLOG|
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:25 --
GG: john did you get my package?? EB: oh hey! EB: no, not yet. GG: darn! are you sure? it was in a green box..... EB: oh! EB: yes, but it is in my dad's car and he is still out at the store. EB: he should be back soon. GG: great!!! so what are you up to today? EB: i am up to my neck in this sburb stuff. EB: TT is making a royal mess of my house. GG: lol! GG: whats sburb?? EB: oh, it is this game. EB: it's ok i guess. i'm still figuring it out. GG: whoa what was that????? EB: what was what? GG: there was a loud noise outside my house!! GG: it sounded like an explosion!!!! EB: wow, really? GG: i will go outside and look.... EB: oh man, alright but be careful, ok? GG: i will! :)
-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:28 --
|PESTERLOG|
EB: oh hell no, you put this thing in front of the door? TT: There's a door there? EB: um, YEAH??? TT: I didn't see it. TT: I just thought it fit nicely into that groove. EB: you mean you thought it was elegant? EB: ok well what do i do with this thing. EB: hello? EB: what are you doing up there now?
|PESTERLOG|
EB: you can see me, right. EB: tell me what is wrong with this picture. TT: Sorry. I keep losing the wireless signal. TT: Must be the weather. TT: I would look for a stronger signal in another part of the house, but I'd rather not risk an encounter with my mother. TT: I battled through her cloud of gin and derision once already this evening. EB: haha, yeah I hear you. TT: Yes. Cake, jesters, unfaltering love and support. TT: Quite a road to hoe there. TT: Though I suppose I'm complicit for not informing Social Services about your situation. EB: i know! EB: what about going outside? EB: maybe you could catch a neighbor's signal. TT: That presents the same problem. TT: Also, it's raining, remember? TT: And dark. EB: It's dark already? TT: Yes, the sun has already had its way with us here on the east coast. TT: Its lurid glare has moved on to younger timezones. EB: haha, um, ok.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: what is this thing? EB: and what is that clock counting down to? TT: I've been looking at the GameFAQ walkthroughs to figure some of this stuff out. TT: Hold while I read further. EB: ok. TT: All of these walkthroughs are extremely short. TT: None progress much further than this point. EB: weird. EB: well, i mean it is a new game. TT: True. TT: Now that the lid is off, you will need to extrude some "Cruxite".
|PESTERLOG|
TT: I feel like we should be hurrying. That countdown is making me nervous. TT: John? TT: Oh. Your PDA is trapped under the cruxite now, isn't it. TT: Anyway, it looks like you are going to need this card too.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: this thing keeps following me around. EB: i think it's trying to talk to me or something. TT: That is probably the "Kernelsprite". TT: It apparently needs to be "prototyped". TT: Twice, actually. TT: Whatever the hell that means. TT: These walkthroughs are horrendously written. EB: hmm, ok. EB: well, you are the one with the cursor so just do whatever you think is the right thing to do! EB: also, fix my bathroom.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: i still can't understand this thing's gobbledygook. TT: That was only "Tier One Prototyping". TT: There is still another tier to the prototyping process. TT: Which for all we know merely advances this entity through increasingly esoteric states of linguistics. EB: the clock is ticking. EB: we don't have time for this asinine tomfoolery. TT: This unmitigated poppycock? EB: extravagant hogwash! EB: ok stop EB: stop typing whatever silly thing you're typing. EB: i'm going upstairs to the big platformy thing. TT: The alchemiter? EB: ?? TT: Try to learn the lingo.
You snatch the TELESCOPE from its TRIPOD. Who knows, it might be useful. But more importantly, it pushes the CRUXITE to the last card making it available for tinkering.
The PDA is predictably jettisoned into the yard, over the neighbor's fence.
It is tempting because they strongly resemble Rockin' Blue Raspberry Gushers. However, units of BUILD GRIST are a gaming abstraction and do not seem to exist on the physical plane!
There is apparently no crisis so imminent that will deter you from contemplating idiotic and frivolous actions.
|PESTERLOG|
TT: Your dad is getting home. TT: John? TT: What did you do with your PDA this time? TT: I'm working on the bathroom. TT: But we are running low on Build Grist.
|PESTERLOG|
TT: I'm working on the bathroom. TT: But we are running low on Build Grist. EB: oh man who cares about the bathroom, now there's a meteor heading for my house!!! TT: I see. TT: Do you suppose it has anything to do with the game? EB: i don't know, maybe! what do i do! TT: I think it's very likely. TT: The walkthroughs vaguely suggest an impending threat before they end. TT: The already poorly constructed sentences become even more curt and ambiguous. TT: As if written hastily and with a sense of alarm. TT: Actually, their dedication to updating the walkthrough under such circumstances is admirable. EB: wow, FASCINATING. EB: ?????? TT: If the meteor is a game construct, I think the only thing to do is to proceed, and try to solve the dilemma on the game's terms. TT: Try using the lathe. TT: It says you can use the card on it, but isn't more specific than that. EB: ok i'll do that. TT: Really, it is a labor to read this drivel. TT: If I read any more my brain will need to be spoon-fed from a jar. TT: While it blows spit bubbles in a highchair. TT: I think I will write my own walkthrough. TT: That is, after we make sure you don't die.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:34 --
TG: i heard you got the box TG: i hope you appreciate my heroic fatherly perseverance in getting it to you TG: in my rough and tumble dirty wifebeaterly sort of way TG: also i hope you appreciate how many no-talent douches had their mitts on that bunny before you TG: its like a grubby baton in some huge douchebag marathon TG: hey where are you EB: oh man, the bunny was awesome, but i don't have time to talk, i'm playing sburb and it's kind of a nightmare. EB: TT is breaking everything in my house. TG: dude i told you to steer clear of that game TG: and for that matter you should probably wash your hands of flighty broads and their snarky horseshit altogether EB: and now there's a meteor coming, and i'm not even joking about that!!! EB: it's like a big asteroid or comet or something. EB: in the sky. EB: heading right for my house!!!!!!!! TG: oh man TG: how big is it EB: i dunno. EB: big, i guess. EB: i gotta go! EB: we'll talk later if i am still alive and the earth isn't blown up. TG: like the size of texas TG: or just rhode island TG: theyre always throwing around these geographical comparisons to give us a sense of scale like it really means anything to us TG: but its like it doesnt matter its always just like: WOW THATS PRETTY FUCKING BIG TG: like mr president theres a meteor coming sir. oh yeah, how big is it? its the size of texas sir TG: OH SHIT TG: or, how big is it? its the size of new york city sir TG: OH SHIT TG: sir im afraid the comet is the size of your moms dick TG: OH SNAP TG: sir are you familiar with jupiter TG: you mean like the planet? TG: yeah TG: well its that big sir TG: hmm that sounds pretty big TG: i have a question TG: is it jupiter? TG: yes sir, earth is literally under seige by planet fucking jupiter TG: OH SHIT TG: anyway later
|PESTERLOG|
EB: alright, i used the lathe to make this blue shapey thing. EB: now i guess i take it back to the alchemixer again? EB: hello???????
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is no longer connected! --
EB: uh...
A young lady stands in her bedroom. Due to a violent storm, her house has just lost power, along with her wireless internet connection. This has severed her link to a popular video game she was playing with a young man at a critical moment. That young man is relying on this young lady to reestablish a connection somehow. This young lady named...
Named...
It's on the tip of your tongue. What was the name of this young lady again?
Your name is ROSE. As was previously mentioned you are without ELECTRICITY, although your LAPTOP COMPUTER still functions on BATTERY POWER. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for RATHER OBSCURE LITERATURE. You enjoy creative writing and are SOMEWHAT SECRETIVE ABOUT IT. You have a fondness for the BESTIALLY STRANGE AND FICTITIOUS, and sometimes dabble in PSYCHOANALYSIS. You also like to KNIT, and your room is a BIT OF A MESS. And on occasion, if just the right one strikes your fancy, you like to play VIDEO GAMES with your friends.
Since your good for nothing friend is obviously not going to bail you out in time, you issue words of parting fondness to dear, sweet Liv. Oh, if only Affleck could have been the one to make the final sacrifice instead of her stubborn, blue collar, salt-of-the-earth father. Then she would fall into your arms for consolation, and YOU would be the one to make the deceased Bruce Willis proud.
Your panoramic window offers a view of your yard below, and the mausoleum housing your dead cat, JASPERS, who died when you were young. Your MOM had the structure erected with a spirit of scornful IRONY in response to your youthfully innocent request to hold a funeral for the animal. At least, that is how you have come to interpret the gesture in retrospect.
You can also make out a silhouette of the LABORATORY next door, a facility which likely broadcasts a strong WIRELESS INTERNET SIGNAL. You may be able to connect to the signal from a different part of the house. Perhaps if you seek higher ground?
You take your LAPTOP and prepare to make the journey through the house.
L < V. L > K.
This causes the tree to be unbalanced, so your SYLLADEX auto-balances itself. Now the LAPTOP occupies the ROOT CARD, while the other two items comprise the LEAVES.
Hanging just next to your door in the hallway is a painting of an EXQUISITE WIZARD. Your mother collects these awful things IRONICALLY. She must know how much you detest them, and there is no doubt in your mind she stores these dreadful things in the house to bother you.
Down the hall to the right is the way to the OBSERVATORY. Perhaps you will be able to connect from up there?
Your mother's room is also in that direction. You will have to watch your step.
You're in a hurry, sure, but that doesn't mean you can't take moment to peek through the HUGE TELESCOPE.
You find a gap in the clouds. It seems a flurry of smaller METEOROIDS is streaking steadily overhead. You're not sure what this means, but it is somewhat disconcerting.
|PESTERLOG|
TT: I'm back. EB: hurry up and open my door!!!!!! EB: not that it even matters, i think i'm probably dead no matter what!!!!!! TT: Patience. You still haven't used the new totem. EB: ??? TT: I believe it will create the item on the punch card. EB: so what is it, like an apple or something? EB: what good will that even do? TT: We'll see. TT: I've found no evidence that anyone has successfully created the item. TT: And the content of the card appears to be variable from session to session. TT: In one instance it was described as an "eggy loking thign" [sic]. EB: do we have enough of those building jewels to make it? TT: According to the Atheneum, it is a free item. TT: This speaks to its importance, in my view. TT: Now off you go.
|PESTERLOG|
TT: John? TT: Are you there?
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is now an idle chum! --
EB: hey, yeah i'm here! EB: and not dead i think. TT: I know. TT: I've been watching you scramble through the house like a lunatic. TT: You should have answered me sooner. EB: oh man, sorry, i was looking around for my dad and i can't find him anywhere! EB: have you seen him? TT: No. I'm sure he'll turn up. TT: We have more important things to address right now. EB: yeah, like where am i?? TT: I don't know that either. But I've determined your neighborhood was destroyed by the meteor. Wherever you were transported, it saved you from the impact. TT: I've been reading reports in the news. Over the last few days, there have been many smaller meteor collisions with people's homes around the world. TT: And they seem to be getting bigger. Yours was the biggest they've identified so far. EB: wow, ok. EB: so then i guess if this is all the game's doing, then the point is for us to save the world? TT: Perhaps. EB: then we'd better get moving and figure this game out!!! TT: Yes, but wait. TT: We should retrieve your PDA. Yet again. TT: It will help to keep tabs on each other while you investigate. TT: I think I can get you closer to it, if I can replenish our grist supply somewhat. TT: There may be a way to recycle some that we already used. EB: ok. TT: I'll meet you out on the balcony. EB: wait, rose! one thing... TT: What? EB: you never even wished me a happy birthday! EB: um... hello? TT: I was working on something to send you, but I was running late with it. TT: I didn't want you to think I believed meager well wishes alone would suffice for the occasion. TT: That said, happy birthday, John. EB: haha, oh jeez, that is silly! EB: anyway, thanks!
|PESTERLOG|
TT: John, are you ok? TT: You seem a bit tentative. EB: i'm fine i guess. EB: since i got here i feel compelled to do these weird things i don't really want to do. EB: by some kind of voice that i can't really even hear. i don't know, it is hard to explain. TT: Perhaps the early symptoms of an anxiety disorder, like post-traumatic stress? EB: yeah, maybe. who knows! TT: Well, if you can pull yourself together, there are a few more things we should try. TT: Like prototyping the Kernelsprite again, if possible. TT: We should hurry. My laptop battery won't last forever. EB: Ok. I will go back inside.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: what? oh man, you're going to use that? EB: that sucks, what a stupid idea! TT: We have to hurry along. I'm running low on battery power. EB: but the cake mix... ugh, that's so dumb. TT: I doubt it matters. TT: We might as well just use any old crap lying around. EB: fine. EB: i GUESS.
The SPRITE is playing hard to get! You guess that's what you get for originally prototyping it with something that engenders mischief and pranksterism!
The pesky SPRITE eludes you again! Not even the great Colonel himself can outfox it!!!
In narrowly missing with your attempt to create the COLONELSPRITE, you drop the massive tome. The entire house rattles under the astonishing girth of the book.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: aw man, where'd it go? TT: I can't find it anywhere in the house. TT: No time to worry about it. TT: The next thing we should do is get your server copy of the game from the car. TT: You need to connect to my client, so I can repeat your steps and presumably join you, wherever you are. TT: We should do this quickly, before my house burns down. EB: what, there's a fire?? TT: There will be soon. EB: oh jeez! EB: so move this thing already! TT: It looks like it requires a lot of grist to move. TT: I don't have enough to relocate the door, either. EB: how much do you have? TT: Zero. EB: oh. EB: hmm. EB: i thought about jumping to the car from the ledge earlier but that sounds really dangerous! TT: I have a better idea. TT: Meet me upstairs.
You're not sure you even saw a woman, let alone any of her hypothetical antics. But whatever it was you might have caught a glimpse of, it sure gave you the willies.
You head upstairs on your way to the balcony. Your PDA is acting up again.
|PESTERLOG|
TG: hey bro check it out im working on some new rhymes EB: dude, i don't have time for your nerdy raps! TG: come on this is hells of ill just listen EB: it sounds like you don't even believe me that i was about to get blown up! EB: but i really was, but now im in some weird dimension that sburb sent me to or something. EB: and now on top of that i think i'm being haunted by my dead grandma! TG: huh TG: for real EB: yeah, it's true but i'll talk to you later about it! TG: i think i could drop some sick rhymes about all this EB: man, see i just don't think all the rapping stuff is really as cool as you think it is. TG: no thisll be dope check it EB: no, i have to go! bye! TG: wait wait TG: armageddon's gettin waged on us TG: but im-a gettin armed and dangerous TG: sending men in space for savin us TG: see which playa's more couragerous TG: ben or bruce? dudes reach a truce TG: put their blowchutes to use and up-suck it TG: afflecks saclifice, i mean -crifice, would have to sufflice. aw fluck it TG: bro be a stained-glass saint, up on a cross gettin hella christ-plagiarous TG: bruce's like offa that cruciflix, nuff a this fuckin savior-fuss TG: restrained his ass per mclane-redux while buscemi remained derangerous TG: when a plan gone astray pays off a wasted craterous TG: ash tray caterin to layers of matt maconnaheys vague remainder-dust TG: wait TG: uh TG: macconahey wasnt even in any of those meteor movies was he TG: ill have to make a rap about TG: i dont know TG: morgan freeman or something TG: being the president TG: itll be called TG: "obama made it so that no one gives a shit about black presidents in movies anymore" TG: see youve got to fill me in on whats going on TG: so i have something to rap about besides all your dumbshit movies
|PESTERLOG|
TT: I'm lifting the car up to the balcony. EB: whoa, ok. TT: Once it is up, retrieve the game. Then I'll put it back down on the driveway. EB: but the door is locked! TT: Then break a window. EB: but it's my dad's car :( TT: It's just a window, and this is sort of an emergency. TT: Otherwise I promise I'll handle the car with velvet gloves. EB: alright.
|PESTERLOG|
GG: im back! EB: oh hi! GG: i went to investigate the explosion i heard EB: was it by any chance a meteor? GG: yes!!!!! GG: how did you know?? EB: oh man, it's kind of a long story! EB: anyway, are you ok? did it blow up your yard or start a fire or anything? GG: no i am fine! GG: it landed a pretty good ways from my house and i went to look at it GG: and its pretty big! GG: but bec doesnt want me to go near it GG: so i came home GG: he seems to think its dangerous! EB: well gosh, he's probably right! GG: anyway what have you been up to john? GG: oh!!!! did you get my package yet? :O EB: er... EB: yeah, i was trying to get it, but rose dropped my car into a weird spooky bottomless pit and the package was in the car and im really sorry about that. GG: oh no! EB: wow, ok, i guess i should start at the beginning. EB: see, a meteor blew up my neighborhood. GG: thats terrible john! im so sorry! EB: but i'm ok! and my house is too, sort of. EB: that game i was telling you about, sburb which i was playing with rose, sort of transported me somewhere at the last minute. EB: but now i'm trapped here and it's weird and dark and i can't find my dad and i just lost the car and my copy of the game in the pit and i think i have to save the world from the apocalypse!!! GG: O_O GG: well..... GG: it sounds really crazy and kind of scary but..... GG: it also sounds kind of exciting! GG: i dont know john maybe this is your destiny GG: if anyone can save the world i think it is probably you! EB: wow, you think so? GG: yes! EB: well ok, BUT. EB: it's not even that simple! EB: i was about to connect to rose to help transport her and save her from meteors and fire and stuff. EB: but she lost battery power and i lost the game disc! EB: so i think i have to get TG to use his copy to save her! EB: but that jackass won't shut up and stop rapping and stuff. GG: hahaha GG: he is so silly! EB: yeah. anyway i should talk to him about it, so brb.
|PESTERLOG|
TG: when the film crew zooms where the presidents at TG: im like if that dudes black ill eat my hat TG: turns out he is, so we're all "damn, director's got gumption" TG: like we'll all flip our shit he aint shining shoes or somethin TG: its called freemancipation. if its not pres-election its god-ascension TG: in bruce almighty. whoops, different bruce from the one i just mentioned EB: aaaaaarrrgh! TG: cant explain to me why this aint condescension to think ill shit a brick TG: not even he can convey the intention with his quickspun wit TG: rather defray all this tension, sit on his lap while he whittles a splint TG: and some guy eyes what he does and patronizes: i guess negrocity's the mother of invention EB: stop rapping for a second you horse's ass! EB: i have something important to talk about. TG: whats up EB: rose is in trouble and she needs help. i was going to connect to her with sburb but i lost my copy! TG: ok EB: also she lost battery power. if she can get back up and running, she'll need someone with the game to get her out of there before her house burns down. EB: so i think you should use your copy of the game to help her! TG: my copy? TG: thats going to be tough EB: why? TG: i lost it TG: its a stupid story and id rather not talk about it TG: shit be embarrassing yo EB: i thought you said you had two? TG: well yeah TG: one is my brothers copy EB: ok, well get his then! TG: alright TG: but hes not gonna be happy about that EB: whatever. EB: also you might want to read rose's walkthrough to get up to speed on this. TG: oh man EB: what? TG: nothing really TG: look all im saying is the girl tends to lay it on kinda thick you know? EB: /ROLLS EYES
You feel a lot more comfortable with this as a weapon. You're so handy with those needles, you feel like you could probably use them to filet a sword fish.
That would also be a preposterous waste of time!!!
Besides, you're quite sure you've never heard of this creature called "Cthulhu" before. There are however many other specimens of the ZOOLOGICALLY DUBIOUS you're familiar with.
And NRUB'YIGLITH, SHAMEBEAST KING OF GROTESQUERY, WRITHE-LORD OF THE MOIST BEYONDHOOD. Hearing his melodious chirps and tongue-clicks causes one's bones to explode.
And of course there's OGLOGOTH, THE DEEP ONE. Whenever he grinds his teeth, all the children of a random galaxy somewhere will frown continuously for a nine thousand year span. He is the first and smallest of the SMALLER GODS, appointed in servitude of a vile, unfathomable pantheon of MIDDLING GODS which caters to the whims of the NOBLE CIRCLE OF HORRORTERRORS, an omniscient, omnipotent order of the elite few, forever cloaked in the darkness of the FURTHEST RING.
And then there's this strange page containing some rather mysterious notes on summoning procedures. You've never been quite sure what these diagrams are getting at.
You wonder if this rain will ever let up. It's driven since the month began, perhaps long enough to forget its purpose. It no longer even knows to assuage fire. Somewhere a zealous god threads these strings between the clouds and the earth, preparing for a symphony it fears impossible to play. And so it threads on, and on, delaying the raise of the conductor's baton.
How you hate this season.
"April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain." -American sports legend, Charles Barkley
There's this really cool dude, ok? He's standing around being all chill, like cool dudes are known to do sometimes. A cool dude like this probably has a real cool name. But he probably wouldn't just tell you what it was if you asked. He'd be way too busy for that. Busy being totally sweet.
But you could always try to guess his name. And if you were right, he might nod ever so slightly. That's a cool dude's way of letting you know there might just be hope for you yet.
Your name is DAVE. It is an UNSEASONABLY WARM April day. Your BEDROOM WINDOW is open to let some air in, and your FAN is cranked. Arguably even more cranked would be your FLY BEATS, which brings us to your variety of INTERESTS. A cool dude like you is sure to have plenty. You have a penchant for spinning out UNBELIEVABLY ILL JAMS with your TURNTABLES AND MIXING GEAR. You like to rave about BANDS NO ONE'S EVER HEARD OF BUT YOU. You collect WEIRD DEAD THINGS PRESERVED IN VARIOUS WAYS. You are an AMATEUR PHOTOGRAPHER and operate your own MAKESHIFT DARKROOM. You maintain a number of IRONICALLY HUMOROUS BLOGS, WEBSITES, AND SOCIAL NETWORKING PROFILES. And if the inspiration strikes, you won't hesitate to drop some PHAT RHYMES on a mofo and REPRESENT.
This notion strikes you as nonsensical. You can't imagine how a video game could save someone's life, and in any case, you're quite sure no one you know is in any danger.
Anyway, these are your copies of the beta you received in the mail recently. You've labeled them with your name in BOLD RED PRINT to distinguish them from your BRO's copies, who labeled his in kind. Neither of you really gives a shit about this game or has any intention of playing it, but you'll be damned if you'll let that get in the way of your campaign of one-upmanship.
You would never consider allowing any fluid even remotely resembling urine to touch your beloved TURNTABLES. That would risk breaking them, and a world without the gift of your godly science just doesn't sound like a place you want any part of. While you're at it, you might as well wipe out human civilization with a meteor or something ridiculous like that which will probably never happen.
That sort of thing only happens in stupid idiot movies for stupid idiots.
This is the package that your friend John Egbert sent you for your 13th birthday a little while ago. It now contains nothing except a NOTE and a CERTIFICATE OF AUTHENTICITY vouching for the genuine Hollywood memorabilia which the box originally contained, and which you are now wearing to be IRONIC but also to be INCREDIBLY COOL IN A WAY SOMEHOW INTANGIBLY RELATED TO THE IRONIC NATURE OF THE ACCESSORY. You find it sort of exasperating to explain these subtleties to people.
The BOX also included a signed photo of BEN STILLER which now proudly hangs above your closet. Proudly and IRONICALLY.
You captchalogue the BOX through your HASH MAP FETCH MODUS.
Your modus's current HASH FUNCTION resolves the index by valuing each consonant at 2, and each vowel at 1. The total is divided by your number of cards, and the remainder is the index.
In addition to letting your buddy know about this outstanding juice windfall, you figure you'll wish him a happy birthday while you're at it. In your own cool, sort of roundabout way of course. Good thing you looked at that box he sent you, or you might have forgotten.
You also might as well ask him about that beta. The kid's been harping about it for weeks. It would be cool if it came on his birthday. He'd be one happy camper.
|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 18:13 --
TG: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today EB: i got a little monsters poster, it's so awesome. i'm going to watch it again today, the applejuice scene was so funny. TG: oh hell that is such a coincidence i just found an unopened container of apple juice in my closet it is like fucking christmas up in here EB: ok thats fine, but i just have one question and then a word of caution. have you ever seen a movie called little monsters starring howie mandel and fred savage? TG: but TG: the seal on the bottle is unbroken TG: are you suggesting someone put piss in my apple juice at the factory EB: all im saying is don't you think monster howie mandel has the power to do something as simple as reseal a bottle? EB: try using your brain numbnuts. TG: why did the fat kid or whoever drank it know what piss tasted like TG: i mean his reaction was nigh instantaneous EB: it was the 15th day in a row howie mandel peed in his juice. TG: ok i can accept that TG: monster B-list celebrity douchebags are cunning and persistent pranksters TG: also fred savage has a really punchable face TG: but who cares about this lets stop talking about it TG: did you get the beta yet EB: no. EB: did you? TG: man i got two copies already TG: but i dont care im not going to play it or anything the game sounds boring TG: did you see how it got slammed in game bro???? EB: game bro is a joke and we both know it. TG: yeah TG: why dont you go check your mail maybe its there now EB: alright.
You open the HEPHAESTUS web browser and direct it to your ironically maintained blog where you post monthly satirical reviews of GAMEBRO MAGAZINE. Your latest post is a review of the MARCH ISSUE.
You've been meaning to write a review for the latest issue too, but you've been sort of dogging it. Something about the game they're reviewing just doesn't strike you as ripe for satirical purposes.
In a new tab you open another one of your sites, a webcomic ironically maintained through a satirical cipher vaguely similar to that of your blog. It's called SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF.
You have legions of devoted fans, most of whom are totally convinced of your creative persona's sincerity. Which is just how you like it.
"You are members of a sinister gang called the Midnight Crew. Your nefarious plots are serpentine in complexity. Your schemes, convoluted. You are planning a heist in your underground hideout.
You don't remember where you last left off, so you jump way ahead. You always forget to save your place in the story.
It looks like tempers have become short in this pressure cooker already. You speculate that the tipping point may have been an ill-advised motion for a game of 52 PICKUP.
|PESTERLOG|
TT: In some cultures the persistent refusal of a lady's invitation to play a game with her would be a sign wanton disrespect. TT: Either that, or flagrant homosexuality. TG: what oh no TG: no look TG: im busy ok TG: ive got a lot of shit on my plate TG: i am sort of a big deal ok? TT: I know. TT: Sometimes I wonder how you are ever allowed to pay for meals in restaurants. TT: It must be hard to keep a low profile when you're always overhearing awed voices whisper, "It's that guy who has a blog." TG: seriously TG: dudes be worshipping me left and right TG: i cant hardly walk down the street without stepping over torsos of the prostrate TT: Navigating the urban landscape I'm sure is difficult enough without an obstacle course of deferential flesh and skyward asses. TT: Perhaps adapting the art of parkour to your unique environment would help? TG: yeah! TG: i mean damn TG: like theres this scruffy little shit at my feet TG: an orphan or something i dont know TG: face flush on the pavement TG: im like dude you listening for a stampede of buffalo or something? TG: he braves a look at me then gives my shoe a little kiss and scurries the fuck off TT: Heavy is the crown. TG: yeah TG: not kicking oliver twist in the fucking face every day is my gift to the world i guess TT: Breathtaking magnanimity! TG: among other things TG: i just give and fucking give TT: Indeed, nary a jewel tumbles from your wishbox of daily exploits which I imagine does not sparkle. TG: oh for fucks sake TG: youre just lobbying for me to play that dumb game TT: Baseless accusation! TG: look i am telling you TG: egbert is ALL ABOUT that game TG: he will play it with you and probably be tickled retarded about it TT: I know this very well. TT: I cannot hasten his mail's delivery, however. TG: yeah yeah TG: ill hassle him some more about it TG: and look how about this TG: if you ever find yourself in the position where your life depends on me playing that piece of shit game, then ill play TG: will that make you happy TT: More than you know. TT: It perfectly mollifies my grief over the demise of chivalry.
Those beats were so fresh they belong in the produce aisle, is what you're talkin' about. Soccer moms be thumpin' that shit for ripeness like melons. Know what I'm sayin'?
After beats that fresh, it would be a crime not to reward yourself with a celebratory SWIG.
The NINJASWORD (2+1+2+2+1 + 2+2+1+2+2 = 17 % 10 = 7) occupies the same card as the JUICE (2+1+1+2+1 = 7 % 10 = 7), expelling the JUICE from your SYLLADEX.
It splashes all over your TURNTABLES and your copies of the BETA.
You should probably go pester Egbert again. You wonder if he found the beta yet. You also might chat about your respective SYLLADICES and FETCH MODI, if the topic happens to come up. You wonder if he is anywhere near as smooth with his sylladex as you are. Probably not. It's probably not even humanly possi...
Suddenly a RAMBUNCTIOUS CROW flies in the open window and snatches the beta, possibly to make a nest with, or maybe just for the sake of being a brainless feathery asshole.
Yeah, you can kiss all that stuff goodbye. You feel sorry for the bird, but at least you never planned on ever using that beta, ever.
Anyway, now that that bit of ugliness is behind you, you guess you can look forward to several more hours of messing around in your room WHOA WAIT WHAT???
You prepare to descend the stairs to your living room. You are standing eye-to-eye with a familiar foe, a 20-foot tall granite statue of the mighty wizard, ZAZZERPAN THE LEARNED. Your mother had him installed through a hole in the roof with a heavy-duty crane.
Just look at that mystical gaze. To peer into those aloof, glassen eyes is to arrest the curiosity of any mortal. To behold the wisdom concealed in the furrows of that venerable face is to know the ceaseless joys of bewonderment itself. Any man so fortunate as to catch askance his merry twinkle or twitch of whisker shall surely have all his dreams fulfilled.
You descend to the living room area of your home's expansive open layout. There is the sound of rushing water beneath the floor. It tends to strike guests as a strange presence in a living space, but it's become hardly audible to you through familiarity.
There's the front door. But hopefully there's no need to make the long trek around the house in the rain. You might as well see if you can slip through the kitchen and out the back unnoticed.
But it wasn't always. A while ago you gave this as an ironic gift to your MOM for mother's day. You even customized it with a drink holder to support one of her ubiquitous ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES.
She "liked" the gift so much, she had it bronzed and put on this pedestal. She even left it plugged in so it can still be turned on now and then. But never to do any cleaning. It never leaves this display.
Sometimes at night when you are in your room, you can hear it wailing from downstairs. She MUST know you can hear it. She's completely deranged.
Not that you would want to move it anyway. The PRETTY PRINCESS DOLL has been sitting there for months, ever since your mother got this abomination for your birthday as a totally PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE gesture.
You decided to make it much less abominable by knitting Her Majesty a new head and new arms. Now it brings a mischievous smile to your face whenever you walk by. Your mother hasn't removed the doll yet, and probably never will. She would never be the one to blink first.
That would be your REFRIGERATOR, whose surfaces have customarily served as the battlefield for a chilly siege of PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE one-upmanship.
This was a drawing you did of your cat JASPERS when you were younger, along with a poem about him. Your mother bought this ostentatious $15,000 frame for it, and had it welded to the door.
Using the colorful MAGNET LETTERS, you recently left a succinct message, which may or may not have been directed toward anyone in particular. But you couldn't find the letter W, so you just stuck two V's together.
This is incredibly silly, and you're not sure how it fits into your campaign against your mother, OR getting your computer back online to escape your doom!
But it's hard to resist getting a little silly sometimes. Especially when you are absolutely positive no one is watching.
But that unsightly void in the W pack won't do, nor will the gash in the plastic.
You deposit 12 CENTS in its place, which is your approximation of the letter's value. You also make a vow to return later and neatly sew the plastic shut.
You now wonder how to address the pillow situation. It seems the woman has you at a clear disadvantage.
Perhaps slipping a fresh doily under the pillow will do the trick? Or maybe spilling a bit of WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE on it, and then having it dry-cleaned and returned along with a laboriously ingratiating apology note? No, there's no time for anything like that. Or maybe (just thinking out loud here) you could use the entire pack of W's as M's? Oh yes, that would burn.
But you've already done something with that W pack, and there's no need to go back and gild that lily. This is delicate business. And that pillow is screaming for rebuttal.
You decide to take the VELVET PILLOW and lovingly embroider a poem in praise of MOTHERHOOD on it. Hopefully you can pull this off before she notices it's gone.
Ve > L. Ve < Vi. Ve > U.
But it causes your tree to be pretty badly unbalanced. It surely will AUTO-BALANCE itself in a moment.
You don't know how she does that. You're never safe in this house.
And of all things to be doing during a power outage. She's up to her IRONIC HOUSEWIFE routine again. That mop bucket doesn't even have any water in it! What an absolute madwoman.
|PESTERLOG|
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 18:36 --
GG: hi dave!! TG: hey sup GG: not much sup with you!! GG: bro! hehehe TG: haha TG: good one TG: s'alright being chill i guess you know how it goes GG: great! feeling cool today? GG: mr cool guy? TG: oh man you know it GG: sooooo cooooooool!!! TG: you know shit is ice cold up in here TG: shit is wicked bananas i am telling you GG: :D GG: so have you talked to john today??? TG: yeah we were just talking a while ago about how he sucks at his sylladex TG: can you believe he uses stack that kid is ridiculous GG: lol GG: well that doesnt sound like much fun! TG: what was it you use again... TG: wait nm TG: i forgot whenever we talk about your goofy modusses i get a migrane. what do you want with john GG: :) GG: i want to tell him happy birthday and ask him about his birthday package! TG: oh yeah TG: i was being sort of cagey and told him to check the mail cause i was wondering if mine came yet GG: i think it did! TG: yeah? GG: and i think mine came too TG: so uh TG: i guess you want to know if he likes it or something? GG: no!!!!!!! GG: he will not open it GG: he will lose it!!! TG: oh TG: uh TG: wow sorry to hear that i guess? GG: no its good actually! GG: because he will find it again later when he really needs it GG: which of course is why i sent it in the first place! TG: see like TG: i never get how you know these things GG: i dont know GG: i just know that i know! TG: hmm alright GG: anyway i have to go! GG: i have to feed bec which is always a bit of an undertaking TG: man TG: if i were you i would just take that fucking devilbeast out behind the woodshed and blow its head off GG: heheheh! GG: i dont think i could if i tried!!! TG: yeah TG: say hi to your grand dad for me too ok GG: ._. GG: yes i guess an encounter with him is almost certain GG: it is usually........ GG: intense!!! TG: well yeah isnt it always with family TG: but he sounds like a total badass GG: yeah he totally is!!! GG: anyway gotta go! TG: see ya GG: <3
It will be handy to have your PHONE (2+2+1+2+1 = 8%10 = 8) on standby so you won't always have to go back to your computer whenever someone pesters you. This way you can TEXTMESSAGE (2+1+2+2 + 2+1+2+2+1+2+1 = 18%10 = 8) people no matter where you are or what outrageously cool thing you're up to.
|PESTERLOG|
TG: alright TG: im out of my room now looking for my bros game EB: oh, good! EB: yeah, there is no sign of rose yet, i hope she is ok TG: well if she comes back ill be ready TG: you better know what youre talking about cause this could get ugly TG: brought my phone and i also took my awesome katana with me in case things get too hot to handle TG: and they always do EB: you mean that cheap piece of shit you have on your wall? TG: FU TG: its sharp and its awesome and its a sword TG: end of story EB: ok i don't really care. EB: i'm in my room again, i really think there's someone else in this house. EB: like monsters or something. TG: howie??? EB: haha I WISH. TG: dude monsters arent real TG: thats stupid kids stuff for stupid babies EB: maybe. yeah you're right. TG: what are you an idiot TG: of course there are monsters in your house TG: youre in some weird evil monster dimension come on TG: skepticism is the crutch of cinematic troglodytes TG: like hey mom dad theres a dinosaur or a ghost or whatever in my room. "yeah right junior go back to bed" TG: fuck you mom and dad how many times are we going to watch this trope unfold it wasnt goddamn funny the first time i saw it TG: just once id like to see dad crap his pants when a kid says theres a vampire in his closet TG: "OH SHIT EVERYONE IN THE MINIVAN" TG: be fuckin dad of the year right there EB: ok ok stop! EB: what do i do? TG: what do you have a hammer TG: man so lame TG: ok whatever TG: you should look into weaponizing your sylladex TG: my bro is always getting on my case about it but man its not as easy as it sounds TG: but if youre fighting monsters left and right you dont have much choice EB: hmm... EB: ok, i guess i can read up on data structures some more. EB: how's it going there? TG: im out in the living room hes usually here TG: but i dont see him TG: might be playing his mind games hes always pulling this ninja shit TG: all i see is lil cal over there so i guess he cant be far EB: hahaha. EB: oh god. EB: SO LAME. TG: what EB: see... EB: i just don't know why you think it's cool. EB: his ventriloquist rapping thing. TG: oh lil cal? no man TG: lil cal is the shit EB: that's fine, you are entitled to your opinion, i am just saying that being a white guy who is a rapper with a ventriloquist doll is not cool by any stretch of the imagination or by any definition of word cool, ironic or otherwise. that's all i'm saying. TG: yeah bullshit TG: cal is dope TG: puppets are awesome TG: john egbert blows TG: the end EB: yeah, more like the opposite of all those things is the thing that is true! EB: i'm going to read. EB: good luck with your bro.
Nearby is the TRANSFORMER which distributes electricity from the UNDERGROUND GENERATOR powered by the river flowing beneath your house.
The transformer was struck by lightning though, and no longer works. You wonder if your mother has any plans to have it fixed. You guess she'd rather just play her mind games in a dark house like a weirdo.
You can see the MAUSOLEUM and the PORTABLE GENERATOR across your back yard. You're almost there.
The amazing victory allows you to scale the first two ACHIEVEMENT RUNGS on your ECHELADDER. You are now a PLUCKY TOT, with a new feather in your cap to show for it.
The ECHELADDER rewards your bold ascent with 125 BOONDOLLARS. You waste little time in storing them in your CERAMIC PORKHOLLOW.
Additionally, climbing the rungs has boosted your GEL VISCOSITY and CACHE LIMIT.
By expanding your CACHE LIMIT, you've made room for all that nice grist you just collected. You now have 32 fragments of BUILD GRIST, and 10 fragments of SHALE.
It seems the SHALE IMP had allocated the BUNNY to its STRIFE SPECIBUS.
Sort of a stupid thing to use for a weapon, but you might as well grab it, and stick the BUNNY in your STRIFE DECK while you're at it. It will at the very least be safer there.
Oddly enough, it seems breaking the SLEDGEHAMMER altered the ABSTRATUS from HAMMERKIND to HANDLEKIND, even going as far as expelling the head of your smaller HAMMER from your deck to force compliance. You didn't even notice in the heat of the battle.
You grab the SLEDGEHAMMER HANDLE, expelling the useless HARLEQUIN FIGURINE.
Sorry, Jaspers. Have to make space for the LAPTOP.
Besides, your final resting place is already a mockery. You should have decomposed years ago under a bed of petunias like a normal cat. Not given to a taxidermist and fitted with a tiny, custom-tailored suit, and then stuffed in a coffin built for infants.
|PESTERLOG|
TG: oh there you are TG: john said your house was burning down are you on fire yet or what TT: No. For now I have retired to the safety of a smaller building which is much closer to the forest fire threatening my residence. TG: oh well thats a relief TG: john told me to get the game to help get you out of there so im working on that now TT: Working on it? TG: yeah my bros copy long story TG: hey TG: dont tell john this but i think he might have been right about the puppets TG: theyre sort of starting to freak me out a little TT: You're referring to your brother's collection? TG: i mean dont get me wrong i think its cool and all TG: the semi-ironic puppet thing or whatever TG: or semi-semi ironic TG: man i dont even know TG: im just starting to think some of this shit is going a little far and its kind of fucked up TT: I've seen his websites. TT: I like them. TG: haha yeah well YOU WOULD TG: oh man i wish lil cal wouldnt look at me like that TG: with those dead eyes jesus TG: sometimes i dream that hes real and hes talking to me and i wake up in a cold sweat and basically flip the fuck out TT: Interesting... TG: oh god why did i just tell you my dream TG: youre going to have a field day with that TT: I am currently scrawling notes furiously into one of the many psychoanalysis journals I maintain for you. Published papers forthcoming. TT: Because, you know, it's not like either of us have anything better to do at the moment than to evaluate each other's radically debilitating pathologies. TG: yeah im gonna get moving TG: oh have you heard from john TG: hes not answering me TT: He won't answer me either. TT: But I am watching him. TT: I suspect he is preoccupied with the fact that he just had a bucket of water dumped on his head by the ghost of his dead grandmother, who also happens to be dressed like a clown. TG: hahahahaha TG: alright im out TG: later
|SPRITELOG|
JOHN: um... nanna? NANNASPRITE: Yes, dear! JOHN: wow, you scared the living daylights out of me! NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo! JOHN: well, i guess it was a really great prank. good one nanna. JOHN: anyway, are you REALLY my dead nanna? NANNASPRITE: Of course, John! I have come back to help you on your journey through The Medium and beyond! I am delighted to see what a fine young man you have turned out to be. Just like your father! JOHN: ok, i guess i will take your word for it. i don't remember you at all! my dad said i was really young when you died. JOHN: hey speaking of which, do you know where he is??? i looked everywhere for him!
|SPRITELOG|
NANNASPRITE: Your father was kidnapped! JOHN: oh no! NANNASPRITE: When you crossed over to The Medium, he was apprehended by the very forces of darkness which your presence here has awakened. JOHN: what? ok, so what is the medium you are talking about? NANNASPRITE: It is where we are now! A realm that is a ring of pure void, dividing light and darkness. It turns in the thick of The Incipisphere, a place untouched by the flow of time in your universe. JOHN: you mean because we are inside a computer, or in the game software or something? NANNASPRITE: A computer? Why, what is that, dear? Some new fangled contraption, like the horseless auto-boxcar? JOHN: well, uh, it's like this machine that, uh... NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo! Of course I know what a computer is, John! I was just pulling your leg! Hoo hoo hoo! JOHN: oh, ok. NANNASPRITE: No, John. You are not inside a computer or software or anything like that! Try not to be so linear, dear. The software that brought you here was merely a mechanism that served as a gateway! Its routines in a way served to invoke this realm's instance, yet it stands independently of any physical machine, and somewhat paradoxically, always has! JOHN: i'm not sure i get it, but alright. JOHN: so what do i actually need to be doing here? NANNASPRITE: I think it would be best if we started with the big picture!
|SPRITELOG|
NANNASPRITE: Above The Medium, beyond The Seven Gates, residing at the core of The Incipisphere is a place known as Skaia.
NANNASPRITE: Legend holds that Skaia exists as a dormant crucible of unlimited creative potential. What does this mean, you ask? I'm afraid my lips are sealed about that, dear! Hoo hoo!
NANNASPRITE: But needless to say, where a realm of such profound importance is concerned, forces of light will forever be charged with its defense, while forces of darkness will just as persistently covet its destruction!
|SPRITELOG|
NANNASPRITE: And as it so happens, at the center of this realm whose fate is in question, these very forces duel on a stage, stuck in eternal stalemate.
NANNASPRITE: Yes, they have dueled in this manner forever... that is, until you showed up!
NANNASPRITE: Before your mishap with my ashes, you may recall the Sprite's previous incarnation, which resulted from its Kernel's "hatching".
NANNASPRITE: You see, this hatching occurs automatically in response to your arrival! The result is a pair of Kernels, one dark, one light, each carrying the information they were prototyped with before the hatch!
NANNASPRITE: One goes down, to a kingdom entrenched in darkness. The other, up, to a kingdom basking in light! Each comes to rest in an Orb atop a Spire, of which there are three others in kind. The Four Spires are situated above a throne, and these two thrones preside over the two respective Sovereign Powers!
NANNASPRITE: And once the Kernels are situated, that is when the game is afoot. The true war begins, light versus dark, good versus evil.
NANNASPRITE: This is a war that the forces of light are always destined to lose, without exception!
|SPRITELOG|
JOHN: wow, really? then what's the point?
NANNASPRITE: That remains for you to find out, dear! For you see, the journey you are about to take is The Ultimate Riddle!
JOHN: whoa!!!
NANNASPRITE: For now, your objective is to proceed towards Skaia, and pass through The First Gate situated directly above your house, not even terribly far! The Gates will become progressively more difficult to reach, so you had better be prepared to sharpen your adventuring skills!
|SPRITELOG|
JOHN: ok, i think i get it now! JOHN: so i guess the battle against good and evil is sort of irrelevant? well, i don't know, that all sounds kind of weird, but in any case, we build the house to get to these gates, and then i can save my dad! NANNASPRITE: Yes, John! JOHN: and then after that, we solve this ultimate riddle thing and save earth from destruction!!! NANNASPRITE: Oh no, I'm afraid not!
|SPRITELOG|
NANNASPRITE: Your planet is done for, dear! There is nothing you can do about that! JOHN: oh... NANNASPRITE: Your purpose is so much more important than saving that silly old planet, though! JOHN: and that is? NANNASPRITE: HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!
|SPRITELOG|
NANNASPRITE: John, you are such a good boy! I know you will succeed. JOHN: thanks, nanna. NANNASPRITE: You are a good boy, and good boys deserve treats! JOHN: hooray! NANNASPRITE: I am going to go bake you some cookies. JOHN: ...
Perhaps you will take this spare moment to contemplate the Nannasprite's strange tale. It may also behoove you to record your thoughts on these developments in your GameFaqs walkthrough/journal. It can be hard finding time to update it. In fact, you're not even sure where you found the time to write what's already there!
|PESTERLOG|
GG: hi happy birthday rose!!! <3 TT: Hello, and thanks. GG: did you get johns present yet? TT: I just opened it this very moment. What a stunning coincidence you would ask about it now. I am stunned. GG: yeah i know!! GG: what will you make with it? TT: And who said it was something from which something else could be made? GG: well john did tell me what it was duh..... TT: I suppose I'll take a stab at learning the craft. TT: It's the least I can do in response to the subtle dig concealed in his gesture. TT: He often tells me I "need a new hobby" when I make perfectly reasonable analytical remarks. GG: oh but rose i dont think he meant anything like that by it!! GG: you see not everybody always means the opposite of what they say the way you and dave always do TT: Maybe. TT: His birthday is in a few months, isn't it? GG: yep! GG: i finally finished a present for him GG: ive been working on it for years!!!! TT: Years? TT: It's so hard to tell when you're joking. TT: Or if you're even capable of it. GG: heheheh.... :) GG: i just mailed it too so it is sure to get there on time GG: mail takes a while to get anywhere from here!!! TT: I'll probably craft something with strong sentimental value. TT: That should burn him. GG: i dont think you really mean that! TT: I guess not. TT: So, shall I expect a green package dropped to my house via airmail from whatever screwball cranny of the globe you're tucked into? GG: err....... GG: no :( GG: sorry but you are sort of hard shop for <_< GG: besides i have something for you today that i think you will like better than some thing in a box! TT: Oh? GG: it is a tip!!!! TT: This is already intriguing enough to compensate for the grave scarcity of lavish gifts parachuting from the sky. Please go on. GG: did you have a pet a long time ago that died? TT: Yes. GG: ok well how did you feel about your cat, did you love him a lot? TT: "ok well", I didn't mention it was a cat, or that it was a male. Let's pretend I'm surprised and you're embarrassed and move on. TT: To answer your question, I would describe my feelings toward the animal as lukewarm. GG: ummmmm ok.... GG: thats fine!!! GG: it doesnt really matter i think, just..... GG: what if someone told you you could play a game that would bring him back to life? TT: If someone told me that, I would regard the remark with a great deal of skepticism. TT: If that someone was you, on the other hand, then I would have to ask preemptively: TT: Is that someone you? GG: yes that someone is me!!!!!!!! GG: i just thought you might find it interesting TT: So what is this game? GG: oh i dont know GG: im just saying is all GG: i think youll hear about it later and maybe you can talk to john and dave about it GG: they are way more into all that stuff than i am!!!! TT: I'll see what the word on the street is about it. In due time. TT: For now I should probably order a copy of Knitting for Assholes. It would be a shame if I ran late with John's present.
Dude, that bird is long gone. It probably won't last long in this heat anyway.
You don't even know what's up with this sick heat. The sun threatens to set but won't step off. It's staring you down, like the big red eye of a hot needle skipping on a groove its tracing 'round the earth. While lingering in midair its heat seems to suspend time itself, stretching it like warped vinyl. It's meant to rain this season but there ain't been a drop in sight. Even a little drizzle would help. Might help to fizzle this sizzle a little bizzle, set the record straight on this global turn-tizzle.
"So don't change the dizzle, turn it up a little
I got a living room full of fine dime brizzles
Waiting on the Pizzle, the Dizzle and the Shizzle
G's to the bizzack, now ladies here we gizzo
When the pimp's in the crib ma
Drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot..."
You stand in the living room. Your BRO spends most of his days in here. At night he crashes on the FUTON over there. You don't see him anywhere though.
There's the PUPPET CHEST he stores LIL' CAL in when he takes him out on gigs. But when he's home he usually leaves CAL on display somewhere. And with good reason cause CAL is totally sweet.
It's your brother's MR. T PUPPET, which of course is kept in the apartment with a sense of profound humorous irony. But as usual with your BRO's exploits, this is no ordinary irony, or anything close to a pedestrian TIER 1 IRONIC GESTURE which is a meager single step removed from sincerity. This is like ten levels of irony removed from the original joke. It might have been funny like eight years ago to joke about Mr. T and how he was sort of lame, but that was the very thing that made him awesome and badass, and that his awesomeness was also sort of the joke. But in this case, the joke is the joke, and that degree of irony itself is ALSO the joke, and so on.
Only highly adept satirical ninjas like you and your BRO can appreciate stuff like this. It's cool taking stuff that other people think is funny but you know really isn't, and making it funny again by adding subtle strata of irony which are utterly undetectable to the untrained eye.
Also, for good measure, Mr. T is wearing a LEATHER THONG and handcuffed to a pantsless CHUCK NORRIS PUPPET.
God you hope you can be as good as your BRO at this some day. You'd never tell him that though.
You start thrashing up stunts something uncannybrutal on your quest for "MAD SNACKS YO" and get this way rude hunger under control. Shit is basically flying off the hook. It's like shit wants nothing to do with that hook. The hook is dead to that shit.
But you get stuck in some poorly modeled 3D fixture or something. Like a railing or a piece of the wall? You'll have to reset.
Your BRO has so much sweet gear it's hard to keep up with it all sometimes. Here's his computer setup. He's usually got a lot of stuff cooking on here at any given moment.
Since he's not around you might as well sneak a peep.
Your BRO's computer is password protected of course to protect all the incredible top secret shit he's got on the burners.
Of course you know what the password is, and he knows you know it, and you're both cool with that because the password is the most awesome thing it can be.
You enter the password. On the desktop is a hodgepodge of unnamed folders to store all the stuff he's working on. No one can decipher his organization system but him.
He also tends to use the application COMPLETE BULLSHIT to keep up with the ludicrous amount of websites and news feeds he monitors to stay hip to the scene.
Your BRO keeps up with your projects in his aggregator, just like you keep up with his. He's tuned into your various blogs, and of course SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF.
You navigate to the LATEST COMIC in one of the many BULLSHIT FEEDBANDS.
You guess you've messed around on his computer long enough. Better get a move on before it's too late for Rose, or worse yet, your BRO catches you.
But my God... the rumps. They are transfixing.
You know this is ironic and all, and your BRO reaches echelons of irony you could only dream of daring to fathom. But on rare occasions, when your guard is down, it all seems just a tad unsettling to you.
|PESTERLOG|
TG: hey what is up TG: what happened with the monster that is totally definitely in your room did you kill it TG: where are you man TG: anyway TG: things are cool here TG: totally cool TG: puppets are still awesome TG: no problems with them or anything TG: like TG: just TG: really really awesome
|PESTERLOG|
TG: oh there you are TG: john said your house was burning down are you on fire yet or what TT: No. For now I have retired to the safety of a smaller building which is much closer to the forest fire threatening my residence. TG: oh well thats a relief TG: john told me to get the game to help get you out of there so im working on that now TT: Working on it? TG: yeah my bros copy long story TG: hey TG: dont tell john this but i think he might have been right about the puppets TG: theyre sort of starting to freak me out a little TT: You're referring to your brother's collection? TG: i mean dont get me wrong i think its cool and all TG: the semi-ironic puppet thing or whatever TG: or semi-semi ironic TG: man i dont even know TG: im just starting to think some of this shit is going a little far and its kind of fucked up TT: I've seen his websites. TT: I like them. TG: haha yeah well YOU WOULD TG: oh man i wish lil cal wouldnt look at me like that TG: with those dead eyes jesus TG: sometimes i dream that hes real and hes talking to me and i wake up in a cold sweat and basically flip the fuck out TT: Interesting... TG: oh god why did i just tell you my dream TG: youre going to have a field day with that TT: I am currently scrawling notes furiously into one of the many psychoanalysis journals I maintain for you. Published papers forthcoming. TT: Because, you know, it's not like either of us have anything better to do at the moment than to evaluate each other's radically debilitating pathologies. TG: yeah im gonna get moving TG: oh have you heard from john TG: hes not answering me TT: He won't answer me either. TT: But I am watching him. TT: I suspect he is preoccupied with the fact that he just had a bucket of water dumped on his head by the ghost of his dead grandmother, who also happens to be dressed like a clown. TG: hahahahaha TG: alright im out TG: later
|PESTERLOG|
TT: John, what are you doing? TT: Snap out of it. TT: We ought to discuss what your grandmother told you, don't you think? TT: Fine. Enjoy your stupor. TT: I'll go about my business elsewhere.
|PESTERLOG|
TT: John, whenever you read this, you should know I put the shale you collected to use and finally deployed the Punch Designix. TT: It is in your study. TT: I can only drop it though. You'll have to be the one to mess around with it and see what it does. TT: When you're finished with your weird histrionics, maybe you could give it a try? TT: I'm updating my walkthrough, and it would help to know what it does.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: so i can see. EB: stupid lousy imps. EB: they're mucking up all my cool stuff! TT: Oh, there you are. EB: oh, yeah. EB: sorry! EB: i'm not sure what came over me there, i was acting really crazy for some reason. EB: but my head feels like it's clearing up, i think i'm alright now.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: rose my piano!!! EB: :C TT: Sorry. TT: No nuance to these controls at all. TT: I was hoping to bludgeon the imp without letting go of it. Guess I can't really do that. TT: A broken piano isn't the end of the world though. EB: i guess you're right. TT: You'll need to pick up the spoils in person. I can't interact with the grist. EB: so... EB: that means i have to go out the back door? TT: Yes. Is there a problem? EB: well it may sound dumb, but i was hoping to avoid nanna and her spooky ghost cookies. TT: You're right, that does sound dumb. EB: can you see her in the kitchen? TT: Yeah. EB: what's she doing, is she baking? TT: You could say that. EB: are you SURE you can't get that grist up to me somehow? TT: Maybe.
|PESTERLOG|
TT: Nanna said to build, so that's what I'm doing. EB: oh yeah. ok. TT: But this sure is going to take a lot of grist. TT: Looks like you're going to be busy, John. EB: blargh! EB: well, what are you building? TT: Stairs. TT: They are fairly expensive actually. EB: oh man... EB: i could have warned you about stairs, rose!
|PESTERLOG|
TT: I'll try recouping some of the grist from the catwalk I built earlier. EB: IT KEEPS HAPENING TT: Ah, good. Looks like I can get a refund for earlier allocations. EB: i told you rose EB: i TOLD you about stairs! TT: Ok. TT: Consider me fully briefed on the matter of stairs. TT: Now if you don't mind, it's hard enough to concentrate on this without immersing ourselves in Strider's non sequitur. EB: did you know he thinks puppets are cool? TT: Does he? EB: he's so dumb!!
Ok, you obviously don't have enough grist yet for something that ambitious. But you can get started with something of a foundation for upward construction, at least.
You captchalogue two cans of SHAVING CREAM just in case. You never know when you'll need to bust out a hilarious SHAVING CREAM SANTA BEARD to ratchet up your PRANKSTER'S GAMBIT.
For some reason you feel a sense of positive reinforcement. Wherever that feeling is coming from, it sure is a welcome change from your erratic moods earlier.
|PESTERLOG|
TT: I blocked the entrance to the study to give you some space to work with the Designix. TT: John, imps behind you. TT: Should I take care of it? TT: You trapped your PDA again, didn't you. TT: Why did you have to pick up all that stupid shaving cream? TT: So pointless.
Feeling especially economical with your behavior suddenly, you scoop up all the grist in the room, and turn your attention to the PUNCH DESIGNIX all in one fell swoop.
The device features a counter-top station design with a KEYBOARD SETUP, not unlike an old fashioned computer. There is a blinking red light, and a DIAGRAM etched into a panel.
|PESTERLOG|
TG: ok wait hold on why am i getting this stupid game for you TG: youre the one who should be wrist deep in puppet ass TT: What is the specific problem? TG: the problem is i am up to my goddamn neck in fucking puppet dong TT: You know you like the mannequin dick. Accept it. TG: i am enrobed in chafing, wriggling god fucking damned puppet pelvis TG: an obscenely long, coarse kermit cock is being dragged across my anguished face TT: Let's put this into perspective. You put up with the puppet prostate because you love it. TT: Also, coarse is a good word. TG: you dont seem to harbor any sympathy for the fact that ive burrowed fuck deep into lively, fluffy muppet buttock TG: im whirling in the terrible cyclone at the epicenter of my own personal holocaust of twitching foam noses TG: its like a fucking apocalypse of perky proboscis here TG: like TG: the proboscalypse i guess TT: Are you going to start rapping about this? TG: what no TG: no listen TT: Prong of flesh bereft of home TT: Found solace 'twixt a cleft of foam. TG: no oh jesus TT: Of apocalypse your thoughts eclipse TT: A painted pair of parted lips TT: That dare through kiss to stir the air TT: That teases tufts of orange hair. TT: And though faces flush in lovers' fits, TT: Hands snug in plush as gloves befit. TG: ok dickinson if you can shut your perfumey trap for a half second TG: this is serious TG: i am just saying TG: if i see one more soft bulbous bottom being like TG: kind of jutting out and impudent or whatever TG: im gonna fly off the handle TG: im gonna do some sort of acrobatic fucking PIROUETTE off the handle and win like a medal or some shit TT: Then let's hope there will be a squishy derriere somewhere below the handle to break your fall.
You flip over the top card containing your POGO RIDE. Any time you captchalogue something, a new code appears on the back of the card. You've always wondered what the code was for.
Damn these things are hard to read. But then, you've never really found any reason to decipher them.
Oh, well that should just be a simple matter of...
Uh oh. It looks like it's trapped now. You don't see how you can access the item anymore, or store a new item there for that matter. These cards are pretty much useless now, and the items they contain are toast!
But maybe all is not lost. Recalling from your experience with the PRE-PUNCHED CARD, you may be able to use the cards to replicate the items in question.
Not quite through with your cowboy empiricism just yet, you mash at the KEYBOARD to generate a random code.
You enter "dskjhsdk". The DESIGNIX stops you after eight characters, which appears to be the maximum length for a code. The green light goes on, signaling its readiness for a card.
You figure you might as well burn the SHAVING CREAM since the product is not exactly at a premium in your household. You also figure you might as well merge the two cans on to one card.
You're a little sad that your DAD isn't around for this. You have a feeling he would get a real kick out of the idea of duplicating more SHAVING CREAM.
Unfortunately, you just burned another card in the process. Your deck is really dwindling now. Maybe you should have thought this through a little better.
On the plus side, you just freed up your PDA, which is overflowing with the pent-up chatter of anxious pesterers.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: wow, that was so totally unnecessary! TT: I made a shortcut upstairs. I thought it would be a good idea to get up there and try the cards as soon as possible. TT: Also, you weren't being terribly responsive. EB: you mean these stairs? EB: man, look at these shitty stairs... EB: they're so narrow! i'm supposed to climb those? TT: They're perfectly navigable. TT: I'm saving on grist for now. TT: If you keep slaying foes, collecting grist, and expanding the cache limit, we may not need to be so economical with our resources in the future.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: so why didn't you just build a way up through that hole into my dad's room? TT: Have you ever been in there? EB: no. TT: Exactly. EB: huh? TT: I'd rather not get sidetracked. TT: I'm more interested in further exploring the mechanics of the game than watching you discover what sort outlandish harlequin decor your father keeps in his room. EB: oh come on. what's the big deal, i'll just climb up and go right through! TT: Will you? EB: yeah, why not? TT: Are you saying you've never wondered what's in there? Or why it's been kept a secret from you? EB: well, i mean yeah... TT: Then trust me. You won't be going "right on through." EB: wait, are you saying there's something, like... EB: troubling in there? TT: I don't know. EB: what do you mean? what do you see in there? TT: I can't see in there. EB: oh. TT: But I don't have a very good feeling about it. EB: pfff... EB: whatever! EB: i think i can handle a few more stupid clown paintings.
You swoop up the bountiful supply of grist generated by your co-player's recent exploits. From now on it will probably go without saying that you'll nab any grist lying around without making a big fuss over it.
You check out the busted SAFE, which has made a noble sacrifice in battle. Some of your father's odds and ends have spilled out, including some old NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS, and two rather hefty TOMES. It's a fair bet that these books comprised at least half the weight of the safe.
It's another copy of COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY. This one looks really old, perhaps an original printing. Could it be the same one involved with your grandmother's unfortunate accident on that fateful day? DAD would never speak a word about it, but maybe NANNA wouldn't be so tight-lipped?
You give it a cursory perusal. It appears to be similar to your reprinting, listing all the japes and chicanery you have come to know and love. You captchalogue it, thinking you may give it a closer look later.
You take a look at the other book. You're sure DAD thought this was a scintillating read, but it looks pretty boring to you. Maybe you'll crack into it some day when you're old enough to shave.
Everything in this safe was obviously very important to your father. You wonder why he kept it locked away from you?
|PESTERLOG|
TT: Wait, John, before you punch that. TT: Oh. TT: I was about to say. TT: If you first took note of the code, then removed the card from the card, you could have punched the blank one. TT: You would have only burned one card instead of two. EB: oh yeah, you're right. EB: dammit!
The BATHTUB surges heroically and surpasses the rung: ARCHIMEDES' AQUACRADLE, proceeding directly to vaunted rung: TAFT-JAMMER. The tub makes off with a cool 490 BOONDOLLARS.
You wander over to the place where your BRO keeps his sweet turntable gear. Man that setup is sweet. You feel pangs of jealousy whenever you walk by it. Really cool jealousy, though. Like the kind where instead of getting all worked up about it, you don't actually give a shit.
One of your brother's rad and extremely expensive NINJA SWORDS is missing though.
You know this drill all too well. Trouble's a brewin'.
Ok, some of this stuff you KNOW he's just leaving around to get under your skin. This is obviously another ploy in his relentless siege of one-upsmanship to get your goat (the same goat you've been meaning to bleat like ironically, but that will still have to wait for a more appropriate time).
You think he knows that deep down you feel like you're still not ironic enough to get stuff like this, and this is probably some weird gauntlet he's throwing down to see if you will "GET IT".
But honestly you think this material is just a little TOO ironic. You just don't need to see this shit right now.
See, like, his hobbies are cool and all, and you guess he's got to put his shit SOMEWHERE. But what if you just wanted to heat up a burrito or something?
Oh, it was just Lil' Cal again. You can never stay mad at him.
Anyway, you've got to get this way rude hunger under control. You figure you oughta scope the fridge for some grub. This hunger is so ill-mannered it would make a room full of snooty dowagers commit mass suicide.
While you're at it, you dump the contents of the BLENDER, oops I mean WHIRLING BLADE PITCHER, into the disposal. But you suffer an unfortunate GARBAGE DISPOSAL HEAD JAM.
You notice something in the reflection. Something above you.
It's the hatch to the crawlspace above your apartment. BRO'S always tucking away in there when he's busting out his rad stealth stunts. He's so slick that dangling cord never even jostles.
You just know he's being ironic with these weird mind games. There's no way anyone could be serious about aping those shitty movies.
It's a pretty sweet fort you just made and you're pretty sure your brother would agree. Under different circumstances, you might be high-fiving over it right now.
But rather than get inside and take her for a spin, you really just need to use it to get up to that hatch.
|PESTERLOG|
TG: ok wait hold on why am i getting this stupid game for you TG: youre the one who should be wrist deep in puppet ass TT: What is the specific problem? TG: the problem is i am up to my goddamn neck in fucking puppet dong TT: You know you like the mannequin dick. Accept it. TG: i am enrobed in chafing, wriggling god fucking damned puppet pelvis TG: an obscenely long, coarse kermit cock is being dragged across my anguished face TT: Let's put this into perspective. You put up with the puppet prostate because you love it. TT: Also, coarse is a good word. TG: you dont seem to harbor any sympathy for the fact that ive burrowed fuck deep into lively, fluffy muppet buttock TG: im whirling in the terrible cyclone at the epicenter of my own personal holocaust of twitching foam noses TG: its like a fucking apocalypse of perky proboscis here TG: like TG: the proboscalypse i guess TT: Are you going to start rapping about this? TG: what no TG: no listen TT: Prong of flesh bereft of home TT: Found solace 'twixt a cleft of foam. TG: no oh jesus TT: Of apocalypse your thoughts eclipse TT: A painted pair of parted lips TT: That dare through kiss to stir the air TT: That teases tufts of orange hair. TT: And though faces flush in lovers' fits, TT: Hands snug in plush as gloves befit. TG: ok dickinson if you can shut your perfumey trap for a half second TG: this is serious TG: i am just saying TG: if i see one more soft bulbous bottom being like TG: kind of jutting out and impudent or whatever TG: im gonna fly off the handle TG: im gonna do some sort of acrobatic fucking PIROUETTE off the handle and win like a medal or some shit TT: Then let's hope there will be a squishy derriere somewhere below the handle to break your fall.
You use the card containing the code for the HAMMER, as well as the one with the random code you punched over the SHAVING CREAM card for the hell of it. You carve the respective TOTEMS for the cards.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: whoa, did you just make all these?? TT: Yes. EB: sweet, thanks! EB: what did you do with all the blue wobbly vase-looking things? TT: I brought the totems out to the alchemiter to test them. TT: I'm taking some things into my own hands to save some time. EB: ok.
Using a little strategy, first you grab HARRY ANDERSON'S "WISE GUY", BY MIKE CAVENEY, then the cards, then your ejected PDA, then the book again to flush the cards into your deck.
You never really understood what Caveney's relation to Anderson was, or why he wrote this book about him. His ambivalent attitude toward your favorite magician in these anecdotes always struck you as a little weird, and to be honest, you tend not to read much of the text in the book. You mostly like to look at the diagrams for all the cool tricks.
Oh yeah, that's right. The old HOLE IN THE ACE trick, interestingly enough, pertaining to punching holes in cards and making them "disappear" and stuff. Your hands were never really strong enough to make this one work all that well either.
|PESTERLOG|
TT: What did you do? EB: i combined the cards in the lathe thingy and made this! EB: it is so sweet, man look at me go. TT: I see. TT: That was a really good idea, John. Nice work. EB: thanks! EB: i got the idea from harry anderson. TT: Who? EB: uh, you know the show night court? TT: No. EB: oh. EB: well bottom line is... EB: he's awesome EB: that's really all there is to say on the matter!
|PESTERLOG|
EB: hey, that was a pretty, uh... EB: nice... EB: uh... TT: Sweet catch? EB: ... save. EB: oh, yeah. EB: that. EB: this is pretty comfy. EB: why don't you just like, EB: carry the bed around with me on it? EB: up to the gate up there! TT: I can't interact with you directly, or anything that you are touching, if it will result in moving you. TT: See? EB: oh. EB: lame! TT: The game probably regards that as a kind of cheating. TT: In a way, thieving you of your free will as an adventurer, and the need to advance by your own skill and ingenuity. TT: The server player is just a facilitator. EB: well, ok. EB: all that scurrying around kind of wore me out, i think i'm going to rest here for a bit. EB: rose, can you keep the imps at bay? like, drop some stuff on them if they sneak too close. TT: No, you should pick up your hammer and defend yourself. EB: what, come on! TT: I have no idea what the hell Dave is up to, or if he's any closer to recovering the game. TT: There's some stuff I'd like to try, in case he doesn't come through. EB: oh alright. EB: i'm just gonna rest my eyes here a second though.
Looks like a sort of index documenting all the known results for punch card alchemy combinations.
This could be a convenient resource as you start to stumble on more useful card combinations. But ever since John started punching cards, you've been contemplating other ways this item manufacturing system could be put to use. In particular, if you obtain the code for any item at your disposal, you think you could theoretically send the code to John and he could make it himself.
That is, if you can think of anything that would be worth sending to him.
|PESTERLOG|
GG: hey!!!! EB: whoa, there you are! GG: how is your adventure going john? EB: it's ok, i am making some progress, and rose finally connected again so she is helping me now. GG: thats good!! EB: oh but, like... EB: i don't think i am actually saving the world here. :( EB: i dunno what i'm really accomplishing but i guess it's not that. GG: hmm well i think whatever it is it must be pretty important! GG: dont lose hope john i think it will all turn out for the best if you stay positive.... GG: just keep listening to your grandmothers advice!!! EB: yeah, you're probably right. EB: but, um... EB: i don't think i mentioned nanna to you, did i? GG: oh uhhh....... GG: i dont know didnt you??? EB: hmm, i dunno, maybe you talked to rose or dave about it or something. GG: yeah maybe that was it!! EB: they're really weird when they talk to me about you, like they're always trying convince me you have some spooky powers, but i'm always like no she seems like a pretty regular girl to me! GG: heheheh :D EB: but then when i think back maybe there are times when it seems like you know some things? EB: like maybe you know more about a thing than you are telling me? i dunno. GG: oh well john GG: i want to explain lots of things to you.... GG: some things that i know GG: im just...... GG: waiting! EB: waiting for what! GG: oh! john!!! GG: i forgot i was messaging you about that meteor that fell near my house! EB: oh yeah. EB: what ever happened with that? GG: oh boy.... well........ GG: it turns out i was confused about it... GG: really confused! o_o; GG: see i guess i fell asleep for a while and..... GG: lost track of time GG: that happens!! EB: yeah i know, tell me about it! EB: maybe you should like, wear an alarm clock or something. EB: so what was the deal with the meteor? GG: well..... GG: its hard to explain!!! GG: but... GG: i know what it is now! GG: and now i know everythings going to be ok!!! EB: so what is it??? EB: or is this just another thing you're "waiting" to tell me??? GG: oh gosh john i really want to tell you all this stuff!!! GG: but i cant yet GG: i really think you need to wake up first! EB: huh? GG: well ok not literally GG: well ok maybe KINDA literally!! EB: AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! EB: stop being so confusing!!!! GG: lol :) GG: anyway time for you to go john GG: i think you have some company!!! GG: <3
-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at ??:?? --
You stop being the imp because that was stupid, and scurry over to your MAGIC CHEST that you suddenly remembered was on the roof. There are some things in here that would be good to stock up on for a major battle.
But it looks like someone has plundered your chest!!! This is so outrageous.
This is it. You have no choice but to wage a fierce rooftop battle. This is totally going to happen now, and could in no way conceivably be interrupted by a sudden shift in our attention. It's go time. It's time to do this thing.
It appears to be a gauge for a large POWER CELL, perhaps fueled by some type of nuclear reaction. If this is the case, it is relatively low on fuel. But who knows how long it has been running here?
You do not care about this sort of nonsense and you will disregard it at once. You are very hungry.
Captchalogue? You have no idea what that means. It is total nonsense and you do not know what to make of it. You will not give the foolish notion a second thought.
Your teeth are useless for the task! They are blunt like that of livestock, presumably suitable for mashing up plant matter, and not for puncturing metal.
You are somewhat skeptical about the nutritional value contained by these pages. However, of the practical wisdom they contain there can be little doubt. You have learned so much.
You're not sure what they're called. It's an old rusted one of those red mailbox arm-swing flappy doodads, either for letting you know there is mail in the box, or maybe for alerting the mailman to outgoing mail to be collected. You don't know, really. You've wrapped a little piece of cloth around it for the grip.
This means nothing to you. You are not an imp, you have no idea what an imp is, and you will not entertain such frivolous and childish ideas ever again. You feel stupid and hate yourself a little for even considering it.
As the glorious founder and mayor of CAN TOWN, you erect a dignified, majestic CITY HALL out of cans, fittingly capped off with a tome of good manners for the roof. You have given yourself a very official and important looking MAYORAL SASH made out of old cables to complete your look of authority. A number of rather civic-minded CITIZEN CANS gather in front of the building to offer adulation to their fair and magnanimous leader. All is well.
You immerse yourself in this beautiful dream as you whittle away the minutes, or perhaps hours.
You love the idea of being a mayor. You love everything about mayors, and the concept of an orderly, civil democracy. It all seems so mannerly and reasonable to you. Everyone is friendly and happy, and the city runs like clockwork. The foundation of the government is based on mutual respect between the leader and its people. It is also built on having a really great mayor that everyone loves who is totally amazing and heroic and brave.
Mayors are so much better than kings. You hate kings and you think kings are really stupid. They are petty, bossy tyrants and are really full of themselves and are basically awful in every way.
You sketch a handsome network of sprawling thoroughfares for your citizens to traverse. The adoring population applauds its mayor's keen instincts for city planning.
You even add some lush vegetation to your city with a piece of blue chalk, because you can't seem to find a more suitable color for some reason.
You develop westward, settling those fertile plains and claiming them for your city.
You section off a number of RESIDENTIAL AND COMMERCIAL ZONES for civic growth, arranged in the only logical pattern that occurs to you.
You color the RESIDENTIAL ZONES with your piece of white chalk, but for some reason none of the colors in the box strike you as suitable for the COMMERCIAL ZONES. Perhaps there is an alternative.
You fill each empty square with a bit of MOTOR OIL to complete the zoning. It looks rather striking to you. You can hardly imagine that an up and coming young can trying to make it in the world would not be delighted to live in your fair district.
You are very careful not to get any of the unpleasant fluid on your person.
It seems you have run out of territory for your western expansion. But there is still a lot of empty wall space. Perhaps your citizens would be happier with a colorful backdrop that would make them feel more at home.
And on the southern wall, beyond an impenetrable veil of darkness, occupying the furthest orbit yet, there is an OMINOUS PLANET. A MOON circles this one too.
Oh yeah, it's that guy. You had almost forgotten about him and his confusing shenanigans.
It seems like he has things well in hand at the moment. He does not appear to need your help, and you have already concluded that he cannot help you, at least for the time being.
You free the heavenly brown elixir from the jewels of pink carapace and imbibe like the wind.
It is so sweet and sugary. You wonder how so much sugar can fit in one can. Whatever mighty wizard concocted this potion is truly deserving of your fear and respect.
The TABS are naturalized as loyal new citizens of CAN TOWN. All cans are welcome and equal in your city, regardless of can content, and whether empty or full.
It's not like emptying a can kills it or anything. They are just cans after all.
It's another one of these rapscallions. This monitor is locked too. You can't tell him what to do. Not that you really want to, since it just looks like more confusing nonsense to you.
You consider switching to SCREEN 4, but decide against it. You have a feeling that whatever's there would just confuse you even more, and you don't even really care all that much anyway.
Enough of this nonsense. You are an important mayor and this absurd contraption has wasted enough of your time. You've got a city to govern with a carapaced fist! (Which is to say firm, yet polished, and supple as the situation demands.)
Anyway this will help you kill some time while you wait for that clock to count down.
You temporarily dismantle CITY HALL to free up all the canpower available to create a vigilant TOWN MILITIA. You divide them into two groups, marking them with distinct teams and ranks using the piece of white CHALK and the MOTOR OIL. You then organize them in phalanx across the countryside, preparing for a stiff training regimen. When you are through with them, your forces will be a well oiled machine. Chalk another one up to bold leadership!
Your caffeinated jittering must have agitated all the little bubbles curiously hidden in the liquid, creating too much pressure in the can. You speculate this is why it exploded as you nervously eye the timer.
You are starting to wonder what will happen when it reaches zero. Maybe it would be best not to be near it when this happens.
You say a bittersweet goodbye to your beloved city. It is time to move on to greener pastures. By which of course you mean an arid, sandy wasteland upon which nothing green has grown in years.
You go through the door to find another room. It's the same size as the other one you just wasted all that time in, while a clock was ticking down to something which may or may not be your doom. Maybe there is something in here that will help you escape.
Against the wall there is another perplexing contraption.
Against the opposite wall is some sort of CONTROL PANEL which catches your eye.
It has two large screens, but only one appears to be active. There are fields for numbers which appear to be modifiable with the dials to the right. Some numbers are already supplied by default, perhaps entered by the previous user. There are a few buttons below, the largest one bearing the symbol marking this room.
Also it looks like there is a METER STICK propped up there for some reason.
You immediately craft a MEASURING SPEAR through possibly the most advanced form of alchemy employed thusfar. This is obviously the most important thing to do first.
Or it WOULD obviously be the most important thing to do if you had remembered to bring your TRUSTY KNIFE.
You feel so insecure without your TRUSTY KNIFE, it makes you want to slit your wrists. Or at the very least, flog your carapace with some sort of measuring apparatus.
You go back to the CONTROL PANEL which probably obviously controls that gizmo and you push the big blue button which is obviously probably the most obvious thing to push.
It seems this mysterious gourd was transported (appearified!!!) from a specific time and location somewhere on this planet you are on. You wonder if the machine (APPEARIFIER!!!) will take any object that exists at whatever time and location you supply.
There is a symbol carved on the PUMPKIN. You don't know what it means, and you doubt it will ever prove to be relevant in any way.
Perhaps these are the coordinates for the location of the center of this facility, along with the local date and time? If this is the case, it would make a useful reference point for your current bearings.
One way to find out would be to attempt to appearify something from this facility.
It should be easy to zero in on a location relative to the center because you have an uncanny knack for tracking precise distances you have already traversed, in whatever units you choose.
Your HANDY RULER gives you a good clue as to the BASIC UNIT OF HUMAN MEASUREMENT. You will go with that.
You nudge the coordinates very slightly and bump up the elevation by 0.5 HUMAN MEASUREMENT UNITS. You make sure to keep the time approximately what it was to begin with.
Does this machine look like a DEAPPEARIFIER to you?? Honestly, the idea that an APPEARIFIER could both APPEARIFY and DEAPPEARIFY things is so laughably ridiculous, you would wish someone would DEAPPEARIFY your brain and REAPPEARIFY it with a brain that is more smart and less dumb.
You and SERENITY consider new ways to waste more time with the APPEARIFIER. You are assuming she is a girl firefly even though you are not really sure that fireflies can even be girls.
You target the extremely tasty ROTTEN PUMPKIN that was sitting in the other room hours ago.
Serenity blinks a message of urgency. You nearly forgot that while trapped in amber she was witness to all your tomfoolery and dillydallying in the other room, and knows the timer is about to expire. It is time to get this show on the road and escape.
You reset the coordinates with the RIGHT GREEN BUTTON again, and this time only adjust the elevation by approximately 10 HUMAN MEASUREMENT UNITS.
You are no doubt reading this as a handsome and strapping young man! Why, the mangrit needed to lift the book is itself a sign of your maturity, not even to speak of the wisdom needed to grasp the nuance of Sassacre's time-tested mischief. I am so proud of you, grandson!
How I wish I could have delivered this heirloom to you in the flesh. But I am afraid it wasn't in the cards! For you see, John, like you, this book must yet take a journey! Its journey will end on the Final Day of my life, and even then will continue some. Though I suppose that will be up to your Father. Perhaps he will discuss it with you one day, when he and you are ready.
But it is your journey I am writing about to wish you luck! There will come a day when you will be thrust into another world. And once you arrive, that is only the beginning! You will soon delve even deeper into a realm of Warring Royalty in a Timeless Expanse. A realm of Agents and Exiles and Consorts and Kernelsprites. Of toiling Underlings and slumbering Denizens. A realm where four will gather, the Heir of Breath and Seer of Light, the Knight of Time and Witch of Space, and together they will Ascend.
John, if only you knew how important you were! I regret my passing came so early in your life. And yet I feel in my heart we have already met. But what I know for sure is that we will meet again!
Until then, John, I do hope your Father keeps you well fed!
A silly girl naps by her flowers. It is quite likely that she tired herself out with a variety of silly antics, as silly girls are often known to do. She may have a silly name too. Or maybe not. It is hard to say for sure without asking her.
But since she's slumbering peacefully, it would be a shame to wake her up. You might as well just give her a name right now.
Your name is JADE. You have just woken from a restful nap, and as usual, you have no recollection of having fallen asleep. You have quite a number of INTERESTS. So many in fact, you have trouble keeping track of them all, even with an assortment of COLORFUL REMINDERS on your fingers to help you sort out everything on your mind. Nevertheless, when you spend time in your GARDEN ATRIUM, the only thing on your mind is your deep passion for HORTICULTURE.
Maybe you should try playing an instrument you actually know how to play instead, like the one in your bedroom. Honestly you have no idea where this flute even came from. Things seem to appear and disappear around here all the time. Especially, to your unending chagrin, any sort of large orange gourd that might be lying around.
You have a wide variety of FETCH MODI to choose from. You were really excited when your GRANDPA bought you this MODUS SET for Christmas. He is a total badass, even if a little strict.
You typically opt for the MEMORY MODUS when it comes to matters of day-to-day practicality.
You set your modus to MEMORY, and captchalogue the FLUTE. You allot 9 cards to the modus from your deck, since that will be more than enough for your needs at the moment. The modus grabs 9 more cards for matching purposes.
The FLUTE is split up on two blank cards, and mixed randomly into the grid. To retrieve the item you must first pick one card, and then pick its matching card.
For the typical sylladexer this modus presents a frustrating guessing game and a lot of wasted time on mismatching. But you like it because you seem to have a knack for always guessing right on the first try!
It is an awfully silly idea and is basically a waste of everyone's time. You will predictably disregard this thought and focus on more sensible objectives at once.
You tend to have a lot of things on your mind at once, and you can be a little forgetful. So you keep a variety of COLORED STRINGS on your fingers as reminders. Each one means there is something different to remember at a certain time.
In fact, looking at your index finger reminds you that there is something important to remember now! It is your friend John's birthday. The green string reminds you that John's birthday package will arrive today. The blue string ALSO reminds you that John's birthday package will arrive today, though in a way that means something slightly different.
You are further reminded that you have some things to do outside your house soon. But you should stop by your room first for some supplies, and most importantly, to see if John is online and wish him a happy birthday!
You snap up that PUMPKIN which seems suitably ripe for the taking. Hopefully the safety of your sylladex will prevent it from being spirited away like so many of its ephemeral predecessors.
You are an avid follower of CARTOON SHOWS OF CONSIDERABLE NOSTALGIC APPEAL. You have a profound zeal for marvelous and fantastical FAUNA OF AN ANTHROPOMORPHOLOGICAL PERSUASION. You have an uncanny knack for NUCLEAR PHYSICS, and not infrequently can be found dabbling in RATHER ADVANCED GADGETRY. You enjoy sporadic fits of NARCOLEPSY; your love of GARDENING transcends the glass confines of your ATRIUM; and you are at times prone to patterns of PRECOGNITIVE PROGNOSTICATION.
You consider very briefly the question: What will you do?
But you quickly realize this is only one half of your room, and is therefore host to only half of your INTERESTS to choose from.
Over here there are yet more articles of your aforementioned INTERESTS, and then some.
Additional telltale signs of your enthusiasm for NOSTALGIC TELEVISION mingle with your assortment of GAME HUNTING FIREARMS. You are a SKILLED MARKSWOMAN, though your cross-hairs would never settle on an innocent creature, ANTHROPOMORPHICALLY PERSUADED OR OTHERWISE.
Your worktable is littered with equipment to facilitate your tinkering. For you, experimentation is not a particularly exact science, and you lean heavily on SHARP INTUITION for consistently and eerily optimal results. Nevertheless, you have still not been able to get that broad, flat gizmo there to work, which is a design you have borrowed from one of your GRANDPA'S more mysterious inventions.
You are a great admirer of his, and you are not alone. Your grandfather is a WORLD RENOWNED EXPLORER-NATURALIST-TREASURE HUNTER-ARCHEOLOGIST-SCIENTIST-ADVENTURER-BIG GAME HUNTER-BILLIONAIRE EXTRAORDINAIRE. He has taught you everything you know.
But in spite of all his lessons, it is still difficult to escape his stern lectures when you are on the way out of the house to run your errands. He spends most of his time in the GRAND FOYER, stewing in his own intensity and charisma.
And today will likely be no exception. Among the errands you have planned is to venture out to find your pet and best friend named BECQUEREL. This animal must be fed and he will not be happy if he is not. And if he is not happy then you will not be happy.
But first you really should dig out your COMPUTER and say hi to John!
Just before you can grab one, the powerful ELECTROMAGNETS concealed in their underbellies become activated, and two of them get all tangled up with each other playfully.
What marvelous creatures they are. What a daring dream, to combine the finest qualities of humanity with the elegance and nobility of the animal kingdom. How you wish you could know their world. To hear one night those muted pawpads traipse up your stairs. A low but friendly growl unsettles your slumber, and as the sopor seeps from your eyes they detect a sharp pair of ears cutting moonlight. A mysterious wolven tongue invites. Wouldn't these ears suit you? Would not this proud long snout assist you in the hunt?
No need to answer. Words slough from the busy mind like a useless dead membrane as a more visceral sapience takes over. Something simpler is in charge now, a force untouched by the concerns and burdens of the upright, that farcical yoke the bipedal tow. It now drives you through the midnight brush, your paws whisking through creepers, unearthing with each bold stomp bright odors demanding investigation. But not for long, as you and your new friend must claim the night with piercing howls moonward.
It is another beautiful day in your neighborhood. It is peaceful and quiet as usual. A rather imposing VOLCANO looms over your house, which has been inactive for centuries.
Though dormant on the surface, the volcanic activity deep underground provides your house with a source of GEOTHERMAL POWER. You are not sure why your grandfather decided to draw from this source of energy when he had the UNLIMITED POWER OF THE ATOM at his disposal. But it has been this way for as long as you can remember.
You have chalked it up to your family's longstanding propensity for eclectic fursuits wait you mean pursuits.
What is this nonsense about fursuits!!! You do not own a fursuit. You think ANTHROPOMORPHIC FAUNA are really cute and enchanting and all, but it has never occurred to you to dress as one. Sure, it is fun to imagine what it would be like to run wild with a pack of wolves, or purr and frolic with a litter of kittens, but dressing up as an animal just seems ridiculous. It would still just be a silly girl draped in a raggedy synthetic tufty piece of crap, and seriously who are you trying to kid with that sort of baloney!
Anyway it is not a MAGIC CHEST, it it your GADGET CHEST, which you have adapted for storing a number of USEFUL GIZMOS. It was once your ORACLE'S TRUNK, a gift from your grandfather of course, and still contains many silly FORTUNE TELLING KNICKKNACKS, all of which are completely bogus.
Among the FORTUNE TELLING KNICKKNACKS are these items: a CRYSTAL BALL plus compulsory VELVET PILLOW, a TAROT DECK, a MAGIC 8 BALL, a MAGIC CUE BALL, and one of your favorite books of all time, PROBLEM SOOTH.
Among the USEFUL GIZMOS are of course your COMPUTER, which you keep inside a FUN LUNCHBOX for easy transport, and a couple of gizmos you keep handy so you don't always have to make the long trip to the kitchen. There is a COOKALIZER for preparing delicious meals, and a REFRIGERATOR, a name which clearly is a wacky variation on the much more common household item, the REFRIGIFYIFICATOR.
When the MAGIC 8 BALL isn't being frustratingly ambiguous, its forecast is always wrong! You have tested it numerous times with certain facts you know to be true. This is its reply when you ask if it is your friend John's birthday today. See? Stupid!
You guess maybe it could be used as a reverse-prediction device, and always trust the opposite of what it says. But that seems dumb to you. And anyway, the thing gives you a bad vibe. You might consider smashing it, but you are a little superstitious about whatever ominous consequences that might have, even if the occult talisman in question is a cheap piece of garbage.
The MAGIC CUE BALL on the other hand is said to make predictions with alarming precision and specificity. Unfortunately it lacks a portal on its surface that allows you to view the prediction.
You put both of these pieces of junk back in the box.
Just for fun, Jade allows you to take a stab at matching the cards to use the gizmos. It doesn't present much of a challenge for her, so she figures she might as well step aside, while providing a few generous hints.
If it were known in advance how terrible you were going to be at this matching game, the author may have given second thought to preparing this cool interactive Flash application.
Look at all these fruits on the loose. Good luck trying to settle them down.
Ok, well it's a rotary dial so there are no buttons to press, but whatever that doesn't really matter.
You dial up a thick T-BONE STEAK, which you are sure Becquerel is in the mood for because he is in the mood for steak every day and is never in the mood for anything else.
You wouldn't exactly call it an atomic bass, but it is heavily customized to accommodate a high level of musical virtuosity, the perfect instrument for the eclectically spirited.
You've tuned the strings way down of course because your stumpy arms can't reach the low notes.
You switch your ECLECTIC BASS to its advanced setting.
But you promptly switch it back, since obviously it's too complicated to play it in person like this. The default setting is your preferred mode for casual jamming.
And since you can't possibly waste enough time playing music, casually jam is exactly what you're gonna do.
You greet John but he does not respond. He is undoubtedly gallivanting around his house in a state of barely restrained birthday mirth. He may also be retrieving the two packages and the two envelopes which you are certain came in the mail for him earlier.
You will wait a little while and see if he returns before you head out.
|PESTERLOG|
turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 2009-04-12 -- 23:14
TG: hey TG: oh TG: youre asleep again arent you TG: or do you even know if you are TG: i still dont know how that works TG: its like nothing means anything TG: its so cool getting hella chumped by your coquettish damn riddles all the time TG: i dont know why i believe anything you say im like the grand marshal of gross chumpage TG: waving around my faggoty chumpductor baton TG: assitant director of chumpography TG: celebrated author ernest chumpingway TG: wait weak TG: chumpelstiltskin TG: uh TG: chumpeldipshit TG: yeah TG: youre asleep y/n? TG: a/s/l? TG: s = species TG: baboon? TG: kangaroo rat? TG: if kangaroo rat yiff twice plz TG: ok well youre not saying anything so i guess whether youre nonawake or unasleep or whatever youre just not around and im wasting good material TG: even worse im wasting a killer fursona here TG: like TG: i dont know like a wide open v shaped leotard and a fuck ton of body paint TG: some like sinewy back arching cirque du soleil looking motherfucker TG: always low to the ground gettin a good prowl on TG: like i dropped my keys in the dark TG: nimblest son of a bitch who had the gumption to glue a nasty pair of latex cat lips to his face TG: for a reason that wasnt a joke TG: jade hey TG: where are you TG: seriously im sitting here tonight with a fucking bag of kibble jacked open on my lap and primed for goddamn bear TG: and youre gone TG: btw my name is Akwete Purrmusk TG: hardest buttock in the jungle TG: tempered steel TG: hey yeah just wanted to give you this remix i finished TG: here
turntechGodhead [TG] sent gardenGnostic [GG] file "explore remix.mp3"
TG: so yeah TG: you dont have to respond to any of that btw TG: ill probably forget half the shit i said anyway TG: talk to you tomorrow
You navigate to a random page in the middle of the latest epic.
Looks like he was just finishing up some sort of weird tangential intermission here. Whatever it was, it clearly advanced the plot in no relevant way whatsoever.
|PESTERLOG|
gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 2009-04-13 -- 12:36
GG: hi dave!! TG: hey sup GG: not much sup with you!! GG: bro! hehehe TG: haha TG: good one TG: s'alright being chill i guess you know how it goes GG: great! feeling cool today? GG: mr cool guy? TG: oh man you know it GG: sooooo cooooooool!!! TG: you know shit is ice cold up in here TG: shit is wicked bananas i am telling you GG: :D GG: so have you talked to john today??? TG: yeah we were just talking a while ago about how he sucks at his sylladex TG: can you believe he uses stack that kid is ridiculous GG: lol GG: well that doesnt sound like much fun! TG: what was it you use again... TG: wait nm TG: i forgot whenever we talk about your goofy modusses i get a migrane. what do you want with john GG: :) GG: i want to tell him happy birthday and ask him about his birthday package! TG: oh yeah TG: i was being sort of cagey and told him to check the mail cause i was wondering if mine came yet GG: i think it did! TG: yeah? GG: and i think mine came too TG: so uh TG: i guess you want to know if he likes it or something? GG: no!!!!!!! GG: he will not open it GG: he will lose it!!! TG: oh TG: uh TG: wow sorry to hear that i guess? GG: no its good actually! GG: because he will find it again later when he really needs it GG: which of course is why i sent it in the first place! TG: see like TG: i never get how you know these things GG: i dont know GG: i just know that i know! TG: hmm alright GG: anyway i have to go! GG: i have to feed bec which is always a bit of an undertaking TG: man TG: if i were you i would just take that fucking devilbeast out behind the woodshed and blow its head off GG: heheheh! GG: i dont think i could if i tried!!! TG: yeah TG: say hi to your grand dad for me too ok GG: ._. GG: yes i guess an encounter with him is almost certain GG: it is usually........ GG: intense!!! TG: well yeah isnt it always with family TG: but he sounds like a total badass GG: yeah he totally is!!! GG: anyway gotta go! TG: see ya GG: <3
|PESTERLOG|
TT: I require a font of frighteningly accurate yet infuriatingly nonspecific information. TT: Do you know where I can find a wellspring of this sort? GG: hahaha yes ok but we cant talk for long!!! TT: You have plans? GG: well yes i do but its just that you will lose your internet connection soon!!!!! GG: and we wont talk again for a pretty long time GG: not until you enter! TT: Enter? GG: yeah! TT: This is what I was talking about. TT: This was the itch that needed scratching. TT: My avarice for the inscrutable. It is limitless. GG: lol what did you want to know? TT: You've been insisting today was the big day. TT: We would all play a game you didn't know the name of. TT: A game you said I'd get in the mail, and did. TT: One that would help me answer some questions. TT: But Strider is being obtuse, I can't catch John at his computer, you don't even have the game yourself, and on top of all that, my internet is unstable. TT: So are you sure today is the day? GG: there sure are a lot of challenges but yes i am sure!! GG: dave is cool, you know he will come around when the time is right GG: he just has a lot of work to do first GG: and so do you! GG: youll need to keep searching for a stable signal and power source, it will be hard but dont give up!!! GG: and dont worry about me either, focus on playing with john first GG: it all starts with you two! TT: Is there nothing else you can say to prepare me for this? TT: I'm sure you think little of blithely upsetting dark forces with Grandpa Moreau over there on Hellmurder Island, but honestly I've only read a few books on it. GG: haha dark? thats ridiculous! GG: i dont really know what to tell you other than its not going to be what you think it is GG: and most importantly you will have your questions answered, but they will be the ones you havent thought to ask yet! GG: just be patient and be brave youll see GG: it will be fun!!!!!! GG: uh oh looks like youve got to go GG: take care rose! <3<3<3
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 12:54 --
Try as you might, you can't stop your mind from drifting to the fate of your friends. You dwell on a particular configuration of REMINDERS on your finger.
The GRAND FOYER is still a few floors down, but the TRANSPORTALIZER on that level is blocked by one of GRANDPA'S impressive BIG GAME TROPHIES, and you just don't think he would cotton to someone moving it.
Speaking of which, here are some of his TROPHIES now. He has a million of these ghastly things. You really dislike them.
This is your grandfather's collection of what he refers to as his BEAUTIES. No lovely lady will be fit for his collection unless her portrait has spent at least 20 years bleaching in the front window of a beauty parlor, a sort of establishment he's plundered no less frequently than ancient tombs.
You guess they were sort of like your sisters while growing up, and you were always encouraged to look up to them. They are all awfully pretty ladies you suppose, but it was always hard to get as excited about them as grandpa.
"Jade, study hard and keep your rifle at the ready. When adventure summons, I know you will rise to the task and take your rightful place among the DAUGHTERS OF ECLECTICA."
|PESTERLOG|
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] at 13:04
CG: HI AGAIN, IDIOT. GG: oh nooooooo CG: SO I GUESS TODAY IS FINALLY THE DAY YOU FUCK EVERYTHING UP. GG: >:O CG: IS THERE NOTHING I CAN DO TO CHANGE YOUR MIND? GG: you can leave me alone!!!!! GG: how can you even be talking to me after i blocked you.... GG: AND after i logged out???? CG: YOU DON'T GET THAT I AM BETTER AND SMARTER THAN YOU IN EVERY WAY, FOREVER. CG: YOU DON'T GET THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE INCREDIBLY STUPID. GG: i get that youre a jerk and you should shut up! GG: goodbye you jerk!!!!!!!!!
gardenGnostic [GG] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 13:06
At the center, you find a little stage that looks perfect for supporting a spectacularly silly dance. Or it would if standing on it didn't make you a little nervous, and also if that didn't sound like a retarded idea given the circumstances.
It looks sort of like the various contraptions you've been deploying in John's house. You wonder what it does?
You gather up all your items again in an order that places your LAPTOP in a conveniently accessible leaf. You're not sure why you didn't do this a lot sooner.
Kind of a funny looking tree now, but your concern for structural elegance is at an all time low.
It's another one of these ominous countdowns. You didn't notice it when you first entered the lab about a minute ago. It looks like this one may have been ticking for years.
Whatever it's ticking down to, there isn't much time. You can only hope that when you turn on your computer again, there will be a connection invitation from one Mr. Strider.
It appears to be Skaianet's primary SESSION TERMINAL, monitoring a great number of SBURB SESSIONS in the northeastern United States and parts of Canada. Upon further investigation you draw some logical conclusions.
It looks like each SESSION consists of an IP address and a physical location. The colored dots on the map appear to be METEOR IMPACT SITES. It seems each session corresponds with a meteor, but not all meteors have sessions.
The color of the dot appears to indicate the status of the meteor's descent. The red dots indicate meteors that have already landed. Yellow dots are imminent collisions. Green will impact later, and blue will take the longest to touch down.
You use the panel to center on your present location and zoom in. Surrounding the lab are of course the hundreds of smaller meteors that have been raining down steadily throughout the evening. Most of these meteor(ite)s have either landed already, or will shortly.
Centered over the lab is a significantly larger imminent collision. You can't say precisely how imminent, but you could certainly take an educated stab at it.
Just southwest of the lab, centered suspiciously near the location of your house, is an even larger looming collision. Though this one appears slightly less imminent.
The terminal looks like it can monitor any meteor or session around the world. Search filters can be applied as well, restricting results based on size, time of impact, location, and so on.
You zoom way out and narrow the search based on size. The two at the top of the list appear to be the biggest by far. You examine only their coordinates.
The second biggest is centered over a U.S. city. The biggest by a landslide is, luckily for the Earth you suppose, way out in the middle of the Pacific ocean.
|PESTERLOG|
TT: Good work, John! EB: oh, hey! EB: you're back. TT: For now. I'll have to leave again shortly. TT: It looks like there's another large meteor headed for... TT: My present location. EB: oh, so you mean dave connected with you? TT: Not yet. TT: I'll explain later. TT: But I think I've determined that activating the timer in the game is not directly responsible for summoning a meteor to your location. TT: The countdown seems merely to exist as a kind of warning to the player. TT: As well as a strange coincidence. EB: um, ok. EB: i don't really think i get it. EB: is this relevant? TT: Probably not at the moment. And certainly not to you. TT: I have to go. EB: ok, later! TT: P.S. Try not to waste too much of that grist while I'm gone.
You rocket up the ECHELADDER to the dizzying heights of the vaunted BOY-SKYLARK rung!!! Your new feather is hard earned and well deserved. And alarmingly fashionable.
|SPRITELOG|
NANNASPRITE: John, don't forget your book! NANNASPRITE: It is your birthright! You ought to give it a read when you have a moment. Particularly the first several pages! JOHN: ok nanna, i will. JOHN: hey, nanna? NANNASPRITE: Yes, dear? JOHN: since i am trying to get up to that gate, and since you can sort of conjure floating beds and throw me around and all... JOHN: couldn't you just throw me up to the gate? NANNASPRITE: Yes, of course, John! NANNASPRITE: But that would not serve your purpose well! NANNASPRITE: There is a very good reason why you should build up to it. And then keep building! JOHN: oh, ok, i guess that's what i figured. JOHN: so just one more thing... JOHN: do you think that instead of telling me exactly why that is with a clear explanation, you can give me a series of really coy riddles about it and then sort of giggle? NANNASPRITE: John, you are a very fresh young man! NANNASPRITE: Your father has done such a wonderful job raising you. I am so proud of you both. JOHN: ha ha, i guess. NANNASPRITE: When you pass through the first gate, everything will change. You will find the place where the constellations dance beneath the clouds. And then your true work may begin. NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo! JOHN: i suddenly understand everything!
You are flying westward in your peculiar mobile station. You have no sense of your bearings presently. The door is blocked by a metal column which extended through the entry shaft before liftoff.
The mail is sacred, and sacred is the trust between the Post Man and the recipients of his precious parcels. You have made a solemn pledge to deliver this letter to the doctor, just as soon as you determine where this address is, or find any sort of discernible mailing address in this wasteland, for that matter. The mail is freedom. The mail is life. The mail is the very fabric of civiliz...
The mail is the one final hope for resurrecting a dead planet from its ashes, and the letter carriers are the brave soldiers of God in this righteous crusade. They are the defenders of the light of knowledge, free communication, and the exchange of ideas. They are the bold toters of all those little papery conduits of freedom, the white postmarked angels that whisper a message on their deliverance, a promise to the yearning: "There is hope yet."
You type another one of the previously entered commands. It switches to the view of a young girl standing alone somewhere. There is a heavy amount of video interference of some sort.
You are suddenly feeling apprehensive about entering your father's room. With all the scamperin' around it almost slipped your mind how much you hate his hideous clowns.
No use putting it off any longer. There is only one thing left to do.
You scamper your heart out and bump into something. You don't know why he always insists on keeping it so dark in here.
Oh look, it was one of his dumb GLOBES. These things make it awfully difficult to navigate the foyer. We get it, granddad. You like to travel around the world going on adventures and stuff!
GRANDPA will surely have stern words for you if he catches you without your trusty RIFLE at the ready. That's just what you need, another one of his blustering mustachioed diatribes. You are rolling your eyes in advance, getting them warmed up.
But ideally you can evade him altogether. All you have to do is get past the FIREPLACE and out the front door, and you will be scot-free.
These are the manor's four DISTINGUISHED HOUSEGUESTS. They like to gather here by the FIREPLACE for TEA TIME. As well as pretty much all other times. It's all very mannerly and civilized.
You know exactly what's going to happen when you try to sneak by. The FIREPLACE is going to light up and your GRANDPA'S silhouette is going to appear in front of the fire to give you a good spook. He is so predictable.
YES i am going out with this gun!!! no i will not go get a bigger one!!! no i will not take yours! I can't even lift it!!!!!! oh that is so preposterous. do you even hear what youre saying? i will be fine! this is a perfectly deadly gun and it shoots lots of incredibly deadly bullets! oh will you just stop it. i am going now. Goodbye!!!!!!!!!!!!
Or, at least he was in the past. According to the time-stamp this was almost nine years ago.
You try to move the crosshairs with the joystick, but it seems to be permanently locked on a specific target. You might be able to unlock it, but you clearly don't have much time to horse around with this thing.
It looks like you and Jaspers were having one of your sessions. You weren't making a lot of progress though, because Jaspers was no doubt being characteristically recalcitrant. You possibly jotted this phrase down in your pad. It's hard to remember though.
The device generates a fetal PARADOX CLONE of Jaspers.
The wretched creature exhibits a number of unfortunate mutations though. The good news is that it will be mercifully UNESTABLISHED along with this facility shortly. This is also the bad news.
Whoever was operating this machine in the past may have been making unsuccessful attempts to perfect the science of ECTOBIOLOGY.
Before you could ask him to clarify, he vanished into thin air. You now believe you understand why.
However, you were not the one to appearify him from this moment. Your hand was nowhere near the controls just now.
A couple weeks after he vanished, his body washed up along the riverbank. His suit was a mess. Your mother fitted him with a new one just before the absurd funeral service she insisted upon.
Good luck finding him! If he wants to be found, he will find you.
Becquerel has always managed to elude your prognosticative faculties. He is completely invisible to your intuition somehow, a property almost totally unique to him.
It used to freak you out a little, but you have long since grown accustomed to it.
You spot your DAD'S BRIEFCASE beside you. It probably contains all sorts of clues, or at least various forms and paperwork critical to his trade as a hilarious street performer.
So all those years, while you believed he was out busking up the corners with hilarious antics, he was working as an ordinary business man all along. He was just a man trying to make a good honest living for his son. Maybe he was too embarrassed to tell you the truth? Or maybe it was just that you'd never bothered to ask?
You are ARCHAGENT JACK NOIR. You oversee various affairs of a DARK KINGDOM. Presently you are determining how to deal with this prisoner, who has been a thorn in your side since he was apprehended.
You view the affairs of the kingdom through a series of FENESTRATED WALLS. You have three walls, nearly enough to form a CUBICLE OF VIGILANCE, which is a full and proper enclosure for an agent of your stature.
However, much to your utter contempt, your FOURTH WALL was stolen some time ago.
This frivolous headdress turns your stomach. You'd sooner stick your head in a furnace than coax it into this monstrosity's loathsome colorful maw.
It's bad enough that your EXALTED RULER ordered everyone to drape themselves in these hideous rags the moment the troublesome human with the pipe and his child showed up.
You tear into this thing and put a mean peep on the sw33tloot.
In addition to the MODUS CONTROL DECK, you got a bonus ARRAY FETCH MODUS. Plus another 12 cards, which are practically worthless by this point, but hey you'll take 'em.
The ARRAY MODUS allows you to store and retrieve any item from any card at any time. It seems exceptionally serviceable, albeit difficult to weaponize.
So delicious. You can't wait to captchalogue one of these packs and make like a million gushers. Screw all this building nonsense! You'd rather make candy.
Oh, you're back home. The well-stocked bar and the vantage from the window tells you this is your MOM'S room. Or at least what you thought was her room.
You decide not to be especially melodramatic about this revelation.
Suddenly you are feeling very businessmanlike for some reason.
You just punched a shitload of cards in anticipation of making a whole lot of cool stuff. This time you didn't foolishly destroy any items. You just looked at the codes for some objects you rounded up, and punched them on blank cards.
You wonder how much alchemizing you can get away with before Rose gets back? As if she's got any right to tell you what to do with your hard earned grist. You're the one running around here putting your ass on the line. All she's got to do is mess around with her computer!
Unfortunately you cannot open it yet! This package has an important journey to make first. You are planning on delivering it momentarily.
Good thing you already know what's inside. Otherwise you would surely be consumed by curiosity and suspense. You sincerely pity anyone who might be forced to endure such a fate.
|PESTERLOG|
-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --
GT: hey, happy birthday jade! GG: yay thank you john!!!!! :D GT: whew ok, i got your present in the mail JUST on time. GT: plus i sent rose's and dave's too. GT: why do your guys'es birthdays got to be all bunched together like that??? you are running me ragged! GG: heheh i know but it is nice of you to think of us all like that! GT: i can't wait for you to see what i got you. i don't want to spoil it or anything but hopefully it will help you solve those problems you've been having lately. GT: MYSTERIOUS WINK ;) GG: im sure it is great, i cant wait either!!!!! GG: it might take a while to get here from there but it will be worth the wait! GT: oh man. GT: i am such an idiot, i forgot about how long it takes you to get stuff. GT: ARGH. GG: john thats ok really! im sure will get to me exactly when it needs to and it will be a nice surprise when it does! GT: ok well i hope so. GG: <3...... GG: uhhhh hold on GG: ok im back sorry GG: i had to tell someone to go away! GT: oh god. GT: the trolls again? GG: yup :o GT: they have been such a pain in the ass lately. GT: it seems like there are so many. GT: there are either like fifty of these retards or it's one guy with a lot of alt accounts. GG: ive never had any sort of feeling about them or what they want which is kind of weird!!! GG: but it seems to me like they are probably all different people and not one guy GG: i have counted twelve GT: what do they want with us!!! GG: some people just like to needle others for some reason john GG: it is like a game i guess. they are like pranksters!! GT: oh hell no, shittiest pranksters ever. GG: but i think they are mostly harmless GG: every so often they manage to get through my block filter and hassle me. its been going on for years! actually some of them are kind of funny i think hehe GT: oh wow, what? years?? GT: ok, well i am sick of them. GT: i've been thinking of changing my pesterchum handle to throw them off the trail. GT: so... GT: i guess i'm gonna do that.
|PESTERLOG|
TT: That's quite a totem collection. TT: What are you planning? EB: oh whoa hi! EB: oh... EB: gonna make some stuff. EB: are you ok? hasn't your house been on fire for like... EB: five hours now? TT: No, that was the nearby forest, which up until quite recently would have been best described as "on fire". TT: But you may be excited to learn that just as recently, my house finally notched that achievement. EB: wow, congrats i guess? TT: Thank you. Have you seen Dave? EB: nah. EB: his bro is probably busy kicking his ass. EB: that's probably all there is to say on the matter. TT: Ok. TT: I'm going to start putting this grist to use too. TT: Let's be sparing with the frivolous knickknack breeding and focus on getting you up to the gate, ok? EB: yeah, ok i hear you, but... EB: i think we'll have plenty. i've been killing imps all over the house and now its lousy with gushers. TT: Gushers? EB: i mean grist. EB: serves them right for ruining my posters. the bastards. TT: Which posters? EB: don't you see? my sweet movie posters. look at them, they're fucking ruined. TT: John. EB: ?????? TT: Are you suggesting that imps are responsible for defacing your movie posters? EB: uh, YEAH? TT: Your posters have looked like that ever since I first saw your room. TT: The moment we started playing this game. TT: I thought you had defaced them ironically to mock your father's interests. TT: John? TT: ...? EB: VERY FUNNY ROSE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
|PESTERLOG|
EB: NICE JOKE EB: GREAT JOKE THERE ROSE EB: TOP OF THE LINE PRANK EB: HE HE EB: HA HA HA HA HA TT: This is good. TT: Laughter is probably the best way to avoid being especially melodramatic about the revelation. EB: yes EB: YES EB: LET'S KEEP THIS JOKE GOING EB: BECAUSE IT IS SUCH A GOOD ONE EB: HA HA HA HA EB: OH MY EB: HA HA HA HA HA HA EB: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
You cannot descend from the top of your mobile station. The loose cable you gathered up and tied together is not yet long enough to allow you to reach the ground safely.
You have used all the cable you can find. You will have to come up with another plan.
That's such a dumb idea. Not as dumb as using your sash, but it comes close. That temple is way too big. You'd probably just end up appearifying a chunk of useless boring rock.
She is a tiny insect and cannot possibly lift more than the weight of a pumpkin seed!!!
She does however inform you of what the ledge contains through a series of informative blinks. There is an old rusty HARPOON lodged into the crumbling rock. Tied to it is a bunched-up jumble of HANDY CABLE. This strikes you as convenient! It is almost as if someone knew you would need a bunch of cable, and that you would have a MAYORAL SASH made out of cable, and that you were particularly attached to that MAYORAL SASH and would stubbornly refuse to use it.
Anyone who knew that much would surely possess a special gift! Alas it seems a bit far fetched.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: ok, while i make some stuff here can you keep an eye out for imps? EB: just keep the safe or tub handy or something. EB: it'll serve them right for trashing my posters. TT: I keep telling you the posters were always like that. EB: AND I KEEP TELLING YOU HA HA VERY FUNNY TT: Here, look. TT: http://tinyurl.com/O413nanna TT: http://tinyurl.com/O413weirdo EB: yeah, i saw those, but... EB: they didn't look like that before. you must have changed them. TT: Even if I had the motive for such a bizarre and pointless deception, where would I find the time? TT: I don't even have Photoshop. EB: then why didn't you TELL me they were there??? TT: I had no reason to think you were not aware of them. TT: I thought they were strange, certainly, but was not struck by any particular impulse to discuss them. EB: ok, it still doesn't make sense though. EB: implying that i drew them a while ago and then forgot and couldn't see them and now suddenly see them. EB: that's stupid, what would that even mean.
|PESTERLOG|
TT: It looks like you were in your father's room recently. EB: yeah. TT: And how did it make you feel to discover what was in there? EB: oh no, i just realized! EB: you are going to psycho-therapify me. EB: well don't bother! TT: Maybe I am just being a friend? EB: maybe... EB: /EYES SUSPSICIOSLY EB: anyway i guess you saw what's in there, it's boring and there's not much to even see. TT: That doesn't matter. TT: What matters is how seeing it affected you. TT: I think it clearly has in some way. EB: well... EB: i don't know, at first i was nervous to go in and find more of his weird clowns, because of course they are stupid and i hate them a lot. EB: but then when i didn't see any, it was weird. EB: i felt weirdly, like... disappointed almost. TT: Is it fair to say this changed your perception of your father? EB: yeah, i guess. TT: Is it such a stretch to conclude it changed your perception of other things as well? EB: uh no, maybe not. EB: but what are you getting at? EB: it sounds like you're saying i'm crazy!
|PESTERLOG|
TT: I don't like to use the word "crazy". EB: oh god. EB: see?? this is therapy bullshit! TT: That was a joke. TT: But anyway, whether it means you are crazy or not, consider this theory: TT: Your presumably longstanding tendency for scrawling this imagery is really your subconsious trying to express something disturbing within you. TT: Possibly something from your past, which you have blocked out. TT: And since you have supressed it, your conscious self cannot acknowledge the drawings, therefore they have been invisible until now. EB: why now? TT: Perhaps because you have seen evidence that conflicts with the worldview your subconscious has constructed to obfuscate the truth. TT: That your dad is not necessarily the clown-loving maniac you thought he was. TT: All along, this negative attribute buried in your psyche may have been projected on to him, and subsequently reviled, as a sort of defense mechanism. EB: but this is absurd, my dad LOVES these shitty clowns. EB: he's got all these statues and paintings EVERYWHERE. TT: Is it unthinkable that over the years it was he who believed you were the one with a passion for clowns? Because of the all the strange drawings in your room? TT: A father then embraces a son's hobby to establish a stronger bond. TT: Or wages a campaign of passive-aggresive mockery of your interests. TT: Either is plausible. I don't know your dad that well. EB: i dunno. EB: not sure about all this. EB: but i think we need to stop and acknowledge the bunny sassacre fedora i just made. TT: It's awesome. EB: yeah.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: wow, what are you doing by the way? EB: rose, sorry to say but this is all looking kind of silly! TT: I'm trying to spread the upward construction around so there is a more substantial foundation for later on. TT: But I'm starting to wonder if it will be strong enough. TT: It's kind of starting to wobble a little. TT: I don't think brick chimneys were meant to serve this architectural purpose. EB: yeah no shit! TT: I might have to adopt a different building strategy. TT: Stick to more load-bearing walls, and blockier shapes, especially since grist has been easier to come by lately. EB: ok, but you really must be running low on time by now, right? TT: Right. EB: STRIIIIIIDEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!!
Your MOON is getting very close to SKAIA. You had better go inside soon. It is never a very good idea to be outside during the ECLIPSE.
Maybe you can take the opportunity to log onto your computer and ask John about his present. You just know he will think it is awesome, and it will be a great way to thank him for the wonderful present he got you!
That would be pretty cool, and would promote the appearance to the audience that a whole lot was getting done in not much time, but it also sounds like kind of a pain in the ass so you decide to play it straightup this time.
Rose has moved the ALCHEMITER back down to the deck while she reworks the building project up there. Just as well because it will save you a lot of legwork. Between this thing, the designix and the lathe, that's a whole lot of scrambling around!
This time instead of overlapping (&&) the two cards which created the POGO HAMMER, you use the two codes to double-punch (||) a blank card, producing a different hole pattern.
The result is the HAMMERHEAD POGO RIDE. It doesn't look like it's as much fun as the original ride, but to be fair it's probably a lot safer.
Double-punching cards creates patterns with more holes, rather than less holes by overlapping cards. This strikes you as a viable method for combining more than two items without whittling down to too few holes, or too many! Just mix up the overlaps and double-punches, and the sky's the limit.
You mix your Gushers with some of the blue slime Nanna left on the wall to make a box of HELLACIOUS BLUE PHLEGM ANEURYSM GUSHERS (WITH GHOSTLY HEALING PROPERTIES!)
THESE SHOULD BE CONVENIENT, IF SOMEWHAT UNAPPETIZING.
If you can somehow "subtract" the code of the JOKER FIGURINE from the code of the poster, it might work.
Luckily, the Joker code only has two holes, making the task very simple. The defaced Cosby poster shares those holes. You determine that the defaced Cosby could only result from a double-punching with the Joker, if your theory is correct. This means the original Cosby poster had one of those holes punched, or the other, or neither, making three total possibilities.
You try out all three possible codes, yielding:
- 1 POTTED PLANT
- 1 PAINTING OF A HORSE ATTACKING A FOOTBALL PLAYER
- 1 CLEAN COSBY POSTER
GG: john did you get my package?? EB: oh hey! EB: no, not yet. GG: darn! are you sure? it was in a green box..... EB: oh! EB: yes, but it is in my dad's car and he is still out at the store. EB: he should be back soon. GG: great!!! so what are you up to today? EB: i am up to my neck in this sburb stuff. EB: TT is making a royal mess of my house. GG: lol! GG: whats sburb?? EB: oh, it is this game. EB: it's ok i guess. i'm still figuring it out. GG: whoa what was that????? EB: what was what? GG: there was a loud noise outside my house!! GG: it sounded like an explosion!!!! EB: wow, really? GG: i will go outside and look.... EB: oh man, alright but be careful, ok? GG: i will! :)
GG: im back! EB: oh hi! GG: i went to investigate the explosion i heard EB: was it by any chance a meteor? GG: yes!!!!! GG: how did you know?? EB: oh man, it's kind of a long story! EB: anyway, are you ok? did it blow up your yard or start a fire or anything? GG: no i am fine! GG: it landed a pretty good ways from my house and i went to look at it GG: and its pretty big! GG: but bec doesnt want me to go near it GG: so i came home GG: he seems to think its dangerous! EB: well gosh, he's probably right! GG: anyway what have you been up to john? GG: oh!!!! did you get my package yet? :O EB: er... EB: yeah, i was trying to get it, but rose dropped my car into a weird spooky bottomless pit and the package was in the car and im really sorry about that. GG: oh no! EB: wow, ok, i guess i should start at the beginning. EB: see, a meteor blew up my neighborhood. GG: thats terrible john! im so sorry! EB: but i'm ok! and my house is too, sort of. EB: that game i was telling you about, sburb which i was playing with rose, sort of transported me somewhere at the last minute. EB: but now i'm trapped here and it's weird and dark and i can't find my dad and i just lost the car and my copy of the game in the pit and i think i have to save the world from the apocalypse!!! GG: O_O GG: well..... GG: it sounds really crazy and kind of scary but..... GG: it also sounds kind of exciting! GG: i dont know john maybe this is your destiny GG: if anyone can save the world i think it is probably you! EB: wow, you think so? GG: yes! EB: well ok, BUT. EB: it's not even that simple! EB: i was about to connect to rose to help transport her and save her from meteors and fire and stuff. EB: but she lost battery power and i lost the game disc! EB: so i think i have to get TG to use his copy to save her! EB: but that jackass won't shut up and stop rapping and stuff. GG: hahaha GG: he is so silly! EB: yeah. anyway i should talk to him about it, so brb.
GG: hey!!!! EB: whoa, there you are! GG: how is your adventure going john? EB: it's ok, i am making some progress, and rose finally connected again so she is helping me now. GG: thats good!! EB: oh but, like... EB: i don't think i am actually saving the world here. :( EB: i dunno what i'm really accomplishing but i guess it's not that. GG: hmm well i think whatever it is it must be pretty important! GG: dont lose hope john i think it will all turn out for the best if you stay positive.... GG: just keep listening to your grandmothers advice!!! EB: yeah, you're probably right. EB: but, um... EB: i don't think i mentioned nanna to you, did i? GG: oh uhhh....... GG: i dont know didnt you??? EB: hmm, i dunno, maybe you talked rose or dave about it or something. GG: yeah maybe that was it!! EB: they're really weird when they talk to me about you, like they're always trying convince me you have some spooky powers, but i'm always like no she seems like a pretty regular girl to me! GG: heheheh :D EB: but then when i think back maybe there are times when it seems like you know some things? EB: like maybe you know more about a thing than you are telling me? i dunno. GG: oh well john GG: i want to explain lots of things to you.... GG: some things that i know GG: im just...... GG: waiting! EB: waiting for what! GG: oh! john!!! GG: i forgot i was messaging you about that meteor that fell near my house! EB: oh yeah. EB: what ever happened with that? GG: oh boy.... well........ GG: it turns out i was confused about it... GG: really confused! o_o; GG: see i guess i fell asleep for a while and..... GG: lost track of time GG: that happens!! EB: yeah i know, tell me about it! EB: maybe you should like, wear an alarm clock or something. EB: so what was the deal with the meteor? GG: well..... GG: its hard to explain!!! GG: but... GG: i know what it is now! GG: and now i know everythings going to be ok!!! EB: so what is it??? EB: or is this just another thing you're "waiting" to tell me??? GG: oh gosh john i really want to tell you all this stuff!!! GG: but i cant yet GG: i really think you need to wake up first! EB: huh? GG: well ok not literally GG: well ok maybe KINDA literally!! EB: AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! EB: stop being so confusing!!!! GG: lol :) GG: anyway time for you to go john GG: i think you have some company!!! GG: <3
You take a moment to gather your thoughts after your dream. While you are asleep it can get very confusing figuring out what is really happening and what isn't. Especially during the ECLIPSE, when you are exposed to many visions of the past, present, and future through a variety of CLOUD MIRAGES. It is only after you wake up that you are able to start making sense of it all, and your REMINDERS help you do this!
But on reflection, there wasn't much in the dream about the future. You were quite surprised to see your DOG in your dream though. It was the first time the crafty guardian has ever appeared in a dream! You have learned that today is his birthday, just like it is for your other best friend. You have always wondered about this, and never had the chance to throw him a party and bake him a cake. Now you can!
But if you do, it seems that you will need A LOT of candles.
Bec has never allowed you to enter the MYSTIC RUINS for reasons you never understood. You always assumed it was on account of your protection. But your dream has strongly suggested to you that is where you need to go now!
Since your DREAMBOT is secured in its chamber and does not need to be looked after, Bec is taking a nap in the GRAND FOYER as he usually does. Perhaps you can take advantage of this and sneak out of the house another way?
Oh yes, of course! One of your REMINDERS reminds you that you still have a package to deliver too. This way you can kill two birds with one harpoon gun.
You try to grab the BETA (6) but you forgot your sylladex is completely packed.
You wonder why you jammed all this useless crap in here in the first place. Maybe you assumed you would weaponize it all during one of your customary HASHRAP battles with your BRO. But in retrospect that probably just would have been a huge chore and would have made the battle drag on forever.
You then set your modus to the SCRABBLE HASH FUNCTION for some reason. This function always makes it a little less intuitive to calculate hash values for items, and therefore more cumbersome to rap with. But you guess that's kind of a moot point now that your BRO flew off fuck knows where. His mysterious ways transcend irony once again.
|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --
TG: ok i got it TG: i hope you appreciate how much gross spongy proboscis i had to fellate to get this game TG: hello TG: what are you doing TG: anyway im going down stairs now and installing this thing TG: later
You have finally finished your building project. You have done about all you can do for John. You don't think you can provide much assistance against all those ogres this time, but at least now John appears to be armed to the teeth.
That would certainly hasten the parcel's delivery, but the gift is not finished yet!
You have spent months accelerating your knitting skills to be able to make the gift of perfect sentimental appeal. You even incorporated a cherished heirloom you have had as long as you can remember.
When he sees your staggering gesture of sentimentality he will finally understand. He will understand that in the game of facetious sentimental gestures, no one gets the best of Rose Lalonde.
thanks for being such a great friend all these years. i know you like to make it out like you're playing it cool and don't care much about the people in your life, but i know deep down you really do. hell, not even that deep down. it's like, um, like your subconscious is having a wet t-shirt contest, and you being all aloof is this totally soggy shirt doing no good at all at hiding nothin'. oh wait, it looks like two can play at this game of cracking all these high falutin psychology books! AW SNAP!!!
but yeah, i got you this because i think you're really creative and you could make something nice with it if you put your mind to it. and it might help you take your mind off a lot of all this serious business you're always absorbed in. you know, all this weirdo pseudo-gothy stuff or whatever. frankly it's kind of depressing.
anyway you're the best rose! have a rad 13th! (i will catch up with you guys soon. god you're all so old.)
|PESTERLOG|
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
GA: Why Is It That When The Subject Of Temporal Mechanics Is Broached Your Sparing Human Intellects Instantly Assume The Most Ingratiating Posture Of Surrender Imaginable GA: Time Is Not That Difficult To Understand GA: It Is A Utility That A Universe May Resort To In Order To Advance A Desired Degree Of Complexity GA: Or May Not Resort To If That Is The Case GA: Its All Pretty Pedestrian GA: But No GA: When Time Travel Comes Up You Present The Face That A Man Shows When The Breeze Gradually Alerts Him To His Absence Of Netherdressings GA: I Dont See How We Are To Properly Agitate You All If You Continue To Insist On Failing To Understand Basic Concepts Which Common Infants Effortlessly Manage To Describe Via Scrawlings In Their Own Puddles Of Sloppy Discharge TT: Have we spoken before? GA: Yes GA: In The Future TT: You and your friends never cease to invent ways to strengthen the credibility of your assertions. GA: Oh My It Is Your Human Sarcasm Again GA: I Enjoy Listening To It And I Wish Doing So Could Serve As My Primary Form Of Recreation GA: There See I Just Did It Too GA: Saying The Opposite Thing To Emphasize My Contempt GA: But Suddenly I Feel More Primitive And Hate Myself A Little More GA: It Was Like This Funny Miracle That Just Happened In My Heart TT: I would admire the sophistication of you and your fellow future-dwellers a little more if you seemed to be aware the word "human" only functions as that sort of adjective in bad science fiction. TT: But I won't be rude and change the subject. TT: There's a still a bit of unflagellated straw poking out of your rhetorical effigy over here. GA: Oh Dear GA: No We Arent From "The Future" GA: But We Are All Already In Agreement That You Dont Get It And Never Will TT: I thought you said we spoke in the future. GA: We Did GA: Your Future GA: For Me It Was Only A Couple Minutes Ago TT: I understand. TT: You exist in some temporal stratum through which you have communication access to various points of my timeline. TT: It's not that complicated. GA: Yes Thats Right GA: Will You Try To Talk Some Sense Into Your Idiot Friends GA: So That We May Proceed To Bother Them All On More Rational Terms TT: I try to every day, with mixed results. TT: But you see, it's not that I don't understand you. TT: It's just that I don't believe you. TT: Because it's nonsense. TT: Albeit persistent and coordinated nonsense. TT: Why would a bunch of temporally dislocated trolls want to harass a group of friends throughout completely random points in time? GA: I Will Admit This Campaign Of Provocation Wasnt All That Well Thought Out GA: Dont Tell Anyone I Said That TT: Alright. TT: Maybe you should get some trolling tips from us humans. TT: Our sparing intellects are probably better suited to it. GA: Yeah Maybe GA: Why Dont We Be Friends TT: You want to be my friend? GA: I Think So GA: I Think Were Supposed To GA: You Suggested As Much Earlier TT: You mean I did in the future? GA: Yes A Couple Minutes Ago TT: Probably because I remembered you mentioning it in the conversation we're having now? GA: Thats Likely TT: Hmm. TT: Your commitment to this roleplaying scenario is intriguing. TT: What choice do I have but to accept?
i just wanted to take a break from telling you how much your gay butt stinks all the time and say what an awesome friend you are. seriously, on any other day i would be downplaying how you aren't really as cool as you think you are, but just between you and me i think you might actually be that cool. i think you just gotta get out of your bro's shadow and spread your wings dude!!!
so i got you these. they're totally authentic! they actually touched ben stiller's weird, sort of gaunt face at some point. i'm sure you'll dig them because i know you lolled so hard at that movie. ok so for real, this is sort of a shitty present, but it is an ironic present because i know you wouldn't have it any other way. maybe you can wear them ironically some time. they MIGHT even be more ironic than you and your bro's dumb pointy anime shades.
anyway, have a good one buddy! and stay busy being totally sweet!
|PESTERLOG|
-- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --
AT: hEYYY, AT: fIRST, oK, i THINK YOU'RE AWFUL, AT: lET'S PUT THAT FACT ON THE TABLE WHERE WE CAN BOTH SEE IT, AT: nOW YOU HAVE BEEN PRIMED FOR THE DIGESTIVE RUINATION THAT'S ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE, aND THE COMPREHENSIVE SOILING OF THE LAUNDRY ENVELOPING YOUR PERSON, TG: oh my god you type like a tool AT: yEAHHH, AT: nOW YOU'RE GETTING IT, wHAT YOU ARE IN FOR, AT: aRE YOU READY TO BE TROLLLLLED, AT: wITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR MISERABLE HUMAN CORTEX, TG: this is so weak im almost getting tired of wasting good material on you guys TG: its like TG: youve got nothing TG: its always one of you sprouting up and ranting about how hard im about to get trolled TG: with no ensuing substance TG: you dont even know anything about us TG: one of you fuckers thought i was a girl AT: oK, yEAH, bUT, AT: tHE THING IS, tHAT i DON'T CARE, AT: aBOUT YOUR ANATOMICAL DETAILS, aND THINGS LIKE THAT, AT: i KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE, AT: oR WILL DO, aCTUALLY, AT: iT'S THE MOST AWFUL THING, tHE WORST YOU CAN EVER DO, TG: sorry i wouldnt cyber with you dude TG: in the future or whatever AT: wHAT, wAIT, AT: oH, AT: oK, yOU'RE THE ONE WHO LIKES TO SUBMIT INNUENDO, TG: human innuendo AT: yES, hUMAN iNNUENDO, AT: sORRY FOR THE LACK OF CLARITY, TG: so at what point in the future am i supposed to look forward to you whipping up this titanic hankerin for my knob AT: uH, TG: be honest with me TG: cause im busy TG: and i want to know exactly when i got to clear some space in my calendar for when some fuckwit blunders out of a magical phone booth and makes a ballad-inspiring play for my throbbing beef truncheon AT: sHOULD i BE PERTURBED BY THESE ALLUSIONS, TG: no man TG: look TG: i just need to know when to be there TG: when the stars come into alignment and your flux capacitor lets you finally sate your meteoric greed for crotch-dachshund TG: i wouldnt want to miss it and cause a paradox or something TG: itd suck if the universe blew up on account of you missing your window of opportunity to help yourself to a pubescent boy's naked spam porpoise AT: uHHH, AT: oK, THIS IS SORT OF STARTING TO UPSET ME, TG: jesus you are such a shitty troll AT: i GUESS i'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE, AT: aND FIND ANOTHER POINT IN TIME TO BOTHER YOU, AT: wHEN, i GUESS, AT: yOU ARE MORE EMOTIONALLY SUSCEPTIBLE, aND DON'T HAVE ALL THESE BEES IN YOUR BONNET, AT: aBOUT YOUR HUMAN SEXUALITY, TG: oh no TG: no dude TG: you sassed me up TG: we are in THE SHIT now TG: together TG: for the long haul AT: i, AT: wHAT, TG: we're motherfuckin entrenched in this bitch TG: you and me TG: welcome to nam TG: now grab my hand and shimmy your soggy ass off that muddy bank before charlie gets the fuckin drop AT: uHHH, wHO, AT: wHO'S CHARLIE, TG: hes the guy whos gonna read our vows TG: im feeling pretty friggin MATRIMONIAL all a sudden TG: take a look down by your foot see that little bottle TG: stomp on that shit like its on fire TG: noisy ethnic dudes are flipping the fuck out and waving us around on chairs til someone gets hurt TG: im your 300 pound matronly freight-train TG: and my gaping furnace is hungry for coal so get goddamn shoveling AT: oH MY GOD, TG: bro look in my eyes TG: that twinkle TG: that be DEVOTION you herniated pro wrestlers sweaty purple taint TG: sparklin like a visit from your fairy fuckin godmother TG: shit be PURE AND TRUE TG: thats what you see TG: a kaleidoscopic supernova of all your hopes and dreams all swishin together TG: radially effevescing arms of more little boy peckers than you can imagine TG: turning out insane corkscrew haymakers of a billion dancing vienna sausages strong TG: this is how we do this TG: this shits more real than kraft mayo
You have identified a couple of unwelcome rogues outside your present stronghold. They are in violation of your jurisdiction. Despite your ordinarily striking marksmanship, you have spent your entire ammo clip without recording a single killshot.
There is plenty of ammunition stored in the various AMMO CRATES which you have spent a great deal of time unearthing from nearby dunes and hauling back to your stronghold. You have a large variety of weaponry and ammunition at your disposal.
Whether you can locate some more AK47 rounds quickly enough is a different matter.
You wonder if you should reconsider your grievance with the offenders. Perhaps you should let it slide? They seem friendly enough, and it's been so long since you've had company. It would also be quite a pity to blow up that tall attractive female.
They are both in flagrant violation, trespassing through several zones which you painstakingly marked as off-limits while you conduct your investigation of this crime scene. It is your duty to investigate this ILLEGAL MONUMENT and get to the bottom of its ILLICIT AMPHIBIOUS IDOLATRY. Just thinking about all the sloppy footprints they are leaving in the sand makes your carapace steam.
The law is all that's left to hold on to in this unforgiving dust bowl. You cannot afford to loosen your black claw's grip lest justice slip through your fingers. Law is beauty. Order is peace. Judgment is the very basis for all that is pure and...
Hold that thought.
You need to take a moment to wear something ridiculous before you continue your spiel...
It appears to be a large stage serving as a kind of elevator. But it can't go down because there's something jammed in it. Looks like a peculiar musical instrument, probably centuries old.
But yeah, the jury agrees. You've got to go blow up those trespassers.
You put John's present down in just the right spot, along with a letter you prepared a little while ago after a particularly interesting series of dreams.
it's hard to thank you enough for your friendship over the years. heck, if it weren't for you i wouldn't even have met rose and dave, so that is like, THREE TIMES the friendship! that is almost like, TOO MUCH FRIENDSHIP. ha ha. i only wish i could get you something for your birthday that could remotely make up for what you've given me, but of course that's impossible. so here are a couple silly things anyway!
i went to a weird asian store the other day and saw this rad shirt, so i got it and i'm wearing it now! but there was a blue one too which was way more awesome, and i wanted you to have it. i know you like green a lot, but maybe you'd like to try wearing blue sometimes? i bet you'd look like a million bucks! also i know you've been frustrated lately about how your pumpkins keep disappearing. well, i can't begin to explain why that's happening! all i can do is give you these so you can plant some more. don't give up, jade! wherever those dumb old pumpkins went off to, i'm sure you know the fun is in growing them and taking care of them until they're ready!
whew, got to head out to the post office now so this doesn't get to you TOO late! talk to you soon!!!
Who is this John claiming to be your friend? And these other friends he mentions?
Whoever he is, you think he might be on to something. Blue is a very pretty color! Also, growing some pumpkins sounds like it could be fun. Maybe you will ask Grandpa if you can use the atrium to do some gardening. This will be exciting.
|PESTERLOG|
TG: alright im installing this game finally TT: Where doing this man? TG: yeah TG: you could almost say TG: where making this TT: Go on. TT: What is it where making this? TG: TRANSPIRE TG: TT: Excellent. TT: Let's make shit take place.
Your name is SPADES SLICK. You are the leader of a notoriously vicious gang of mobsters called the MIDNIGHT CREW. A rival gang known as THE FELT recently knocked over one of your favorite casinos. Your long quest of revenge has finally taken you through the front door of the mansion belonging to their loathsome boss, LORD ENGLISH.
Your subordinates, CLUBS DEUCE, DIAMONDS DROOG, and HEARTS BOXCARS have been dispatched to various locations throughout the mansion to begin carrying out your mission. Your objective is to locate and crack English's SECRET VAULT, and plunder its mysteries.
That's the business end of it. The pleasure will be painting this ugly house red with the blood of those miserable green motherfuckers.
You rummage around. It's no unusual assortment of belongings, and nothing any mobster worth his salt would be caught plotting and scheming without. Certainly nothing eyebrow raising.
Bunch of blades, some playing cards, and a variety of other miscellaneous stuff.
Is that what this thing is? You've had it for some time, and don't quite remember how you got it. You never knew the identity of this pipe-smoking creature.
Perhaps it could be the same species as the character you just saw under the rug. But you know that is impossible, because this one does not feature the same bizarre furred lip. They are probably differing species within the same genus.
You have possessed this item for as long as you can remember. You do not yet know its significance. Though you can hustle up a mean game of blackjack when you need to.
These are the mugshots of everyone you are going to kill.
You got a head start. You already offed CROWBAR (7), MATCHSTICKS (11), and QUARTERS (14), depleting them of some of their muscle. You've still got to watch out for the others, and stay wary of their despicable time shenanigans.
ITCHY (1) has given you the slip repeatedly. DOZE (2) you've captured and interrogated just as repeatedly, to no avail. TRACE (3) has broken into your secret hideout more times than you can count, while FIN (5) always seems to be a step ahead of you and scoops your heists. CLOVER (4) has all the intel and is highly cooperative. You might need him to crack the vault. He'll be guarded. Best to avoid DIE (6) in any direct confrontations unless you want a temporal mess on your hands. But if you need any repairs, you could always get to STITCH (9) and "persuade" him. And you might need to if you can't kill SAWBUCK (10) with a clean shot. EGGS (12) and BISCUITS (13) are morons. But they are dangerous morons. CANS (15) is a tank and your crew'll probably need more ammunition than you packed to take him down.
No one knows what LORD ENGLISH looks like. But that'll be corrected tonight.
On review, your schemes seem a bit convoluted. But you wouldn't have it any other way.
Deuce and Droog split up to neutralize as many Felt as they can find. Your heavy muscle and expert safecracker, Boxcars, is headed straight down to the vault.
Funny, you didn't hear any commotion or gunplay. But it looks like there's already been some action in here. Or there will be. You can never take tense for granted with these goons.
You are already wearing Deuce's hat you fool. The one on the floor is Droog's hat. This is exactly why you always keep a BACKUP HAT on hand.
This son of a bitch on the floor here has played his last game of musical hats. Soon these lugs will learn to show you some respect. You made this town what it is after all. Wasn't nothin' but a bunch of dust and rocks before you got here.
You have opened your BATTLEDROBE in search of your BACKUP HAT. You also need some more ROPE to retie Doze, who is absolutely tearing through the mansion as we speak. If you don't hurry, he may clear the chair within the hour.
But it's a big mess. You mostly just see a bunch of bombs and cards.
Whoever took your hat is about to discover he's the unluckiest man on earth. He better hope you find him dead. What you're gonna do to him will be much less painful that way.
You are the only member of this band of thugs who is civilized enough to keep more than one BACKUP HAT, as well as an extensive array of FINELY TAILORED SUITS.
The BRAWLSOLEUM seemed like the best storage option for your exceptional wardrobe. If there's any better sort of compartment to keep your wardrobe in, you'd love to hear it.
Also there's a shitload of guns and cards in there too.
This is why it's a good idea to always store your candy in your BACKUP HAT rather than your usual one. Other members of your gang have learned this the hard way and they're finally starting to catch on.
After giving a quick 10-4 over the RADIO, you take another look at your prisoner. He lucked out. Looks like round two of your brutal interrogation will have to wait.
You couldn't find any ROPE, so you tied him up with a STRETCH ARMSTRONG DOLL which you happened to have lying around. You don't remember how you got it.
You have made your way to the Felt's SECRET VAULT. It's bigger than you were expecting. You doubt you will be able to rely on your usual safe-cracking method, which is prying it from the wall with your bare hands. You'll have to think of something else.
That notion is even more ridiculous than the last one. Wait who are you kidding no it isn't.
Looks like the combination to the safe is entered via the hands of the clock. And you somehow doubt spinning the hands around manually is going to cut it. Knowing these guys, you've got to alter the flow of time itself to make it work.
Which of course is bullshit. You think you'll just blow it up instead. Time to get Deuce on the radio.
This idiot thinks his special oven transports him into the future by the amount he sets on the timer. Well, he's sort of right. But in reality, all that's happening is that he's hiding in there until the timer's up, then pops out.
You guess he's relatively harmless if he's alone. You can take him. What you really have to worry about is if he teams up with...
Oh no. That ringing. That godawful ringing. You can hear it...
Hang on. There's a tooth on the floor. You know that tooth. You've felt its bite before.
Fin was here.
And judging by the forensics of the scene, the angle it hit the floor, the direction of the blood splatters and how dry the blood is, you think you know EXACTLY what he's about to pull.
Or more specifically, what he's about to already have pulled.
Die realizes there is a cost to settling the score with you in this way. The cost is having to live in a desert amidst the ruins of a dead civilization for the rest of his life.
You grab his VOODOO DOLL, and stick his pin in there for good measure. Might as well keep track of everyone you've offed this way too.
Not that you intend to abuse its power to settle your score. What's the point if you're not gonna get your hands dirty.
Still, it might come in handy down the road. Lord English is supposedly indestructible. He's rumored to be killable only through a number of glitches and exploits in spacetime. The doll may ultimately help you work the system if it comes to that.
Problem with that is, he'll just see your FUTURE TRAIL following him, and that'll be nothing but a loud invitation for him to mess with you some more.
Besides, better to leave him alive. You think you know where he'll lead you to. Just got to be a little more subtle about tracing his BLOOD TRAIL. Keep your FUTURE TRAIL out of his line of sight.
Spades Slick cannot return to being Hearts Boxcars because obviously Diamonds Droog is too busy being Clubs Deuce.
You just watched Trace throw a punch into thin air for some reason. That guy's awfully silly!
He then skulks off somewhere.
You don't realize he's following Droog's PAST TRAIL through the mansion until he gets to the point where it intersects with your trail, at which point he'll start following you.
But we all realized it. Because it's obvious and couldn't possibly be more clear.
You follow Droog's simple instructions. So simple even a forgetful nincompoop like you can remember.
There's a BLOOD TRAIL on the floor that goes in a different direction than Trace went. You decide to follow it, because that sounds like a really good idea to you.
If there was something you were supposed to do after helping out Droog, you'll be damned if you remember what it was.
Trace catches up to where you were. But you're gone already. All he sees is the long, gross rubbery arm of your PAST TRAIL stretching through the room.
He finds his comrade tied up with the stretchy rubber arms of a small man. But there is nothing gross or unpalatable about that in the least.
Doze unslows himself and begins mumbling something feverishly.
Fin makes his way through the mansion to get some help.
He wonders where this little guy is going. Deuce's FUTURE TRAIL is headed in the same direction he's headed, by sheer coincidence. Fin decides to follow him for a bit, keep an eye on him. For as long as Deuce's path matches his, that is. There's pretty much no chance he's headed to the same place, though. That would be statistically improbable.
He's got no idea what these other goons are up to here. Funny, their FUTURE TRAILS end here. He's not gonna stick around long enough to find out why. He's a bit too woozy from the blood loss to sort out this mess anyway.
You stop to admire this gorgeous clock. It is so pretty. Too bad it's not ticking like so many of the clocks in this place. Not that you can blame them. There are so many clocks in this mansion it would obviously be impractical to make sure they all work properly.
YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL
Above, a spectator has appeared at the strike of 4 and has been giggling at your foolishness for a number of minutes.
Clover would have been tickled to help you open this vault! At the cost of answering a few of his clever TIME RIDDLES, needless to say.
If only you'd thought to seek his help first, rather than charging like the silly brute you are into this deadly trap of stable and not so stable time loops. Mostly unstable, really. These guys are way too dumb to maintain even elementary looping stability for more than a couple iterations.
If you weren't so preoccupied, Clover could tell you that you could use Crowbar's help to pry anything out of a time loop, stable or otherwise.
If you weren't so preoccupied, and if he weren't so dead! Hee hee hee!
Stitch mutters to himself in his shop. He guesses Eggs and Biscuits are roughhousing again, because the fabric of spacetime is tearing something fierce on Lord English's CAIRO OVERCOAT. This sort of thing is exactly why he keeps a BACKUP COAT, and always leaves Stitch with one of them.
Any gang does well to have an in-house doctor on hand. But if you deal in time travel you better have a damn good tailor too.
You tell Slick to get his scrawny ass to the vault. It's goddamn bedlam down here. You tell him you asked Deuce for backup but surprise surprise he's nowhere to be found. Big surprise, you tell him. You tell him that was sarcasm. He says he knows.
Slick says he'll be right there. He'll see if he can round up Droog for support.
Droog says Deuce is tailing Fin, while he is tailing Deuce. He'll be there to help out Boxcars as soon as he and Deuce take care of business with Stitch. Couldn't be simpler.
Oh yeah, he also mentions he pumped Fin full of lead so you can cross him off the list. You roger all that.
Fin busts into Stitch's workshop blubbering something about watching out for the little guy who's about to come in here. He says to watch out because he's got a bomb on his head which is undoubtedly quite volatile and even the slightest spark would surely set it off.
Stitch sees Fin's obviously in pretty bad shape, and checks his EFFIGY. Sure enough, the thing's in tatters. But he should be just fine if it can be patched up before he bleeds to...
Taking your smut out of hiding turned out to be a very bad idea. Now copies from the future are appearing left and right and these clowns have their paws all over it.
But of course it's only a fleshwound. Seems like that's the only sort of wound you can ever inflict on the corpulent lummox.
Consequently you and he both jump to a random point on the timeline. This looks to be in the recent past, when Stitch and Crowbar were setting up the crates for the imminent gunfight. Which was very thoughtful of them.
Your goons should be showing up any minute with the heavy firepower. For now you've got the drop on everybody.
Which is to say the present, for the time being...
A SCURRILOUS STRAGGLER eyes impromptu desert skirmish.
He dismisses them as a bunch of ill-mannered rogues warranting no further investigation. Although he gives a small nod of approval to the plain and serviceable HAT worn by one of the combatants which strikes him as an absolutely smashing display of good fashion sense.
You treat him to a bit of the old BAIT AND SWITCHBLADE.
You appear in the future. You guess this is after the gunfight is over. The gunfight that never took place since you killed/kidnapped everyone who was supposed to be involved. Looks like only Boxcars is here.
You dump them in the WRATHTUB, then stick the tub in your own DECK OF CARDS.
But you give Boxcars back his sordid literature, which he'd carelessly left in plain sight. No one will ever catch you leaving your smut around. And even if you did, that copy of TERRIER FANCY MAGAZINE could belong to ANYBODY. No one could prove nothin'.
But now, stuffed in your chest you've got a live Crowbar from another timeline. Brought to the timeline where he's supposed to be dead... so you guess now he's alive in this timeline which is in part defined by his death? Ok, whatever. You should probably just kill him again anyway.
Also Sawbuck from another timeline is in there too. So you guess now there are two Sawbucks? This is getting kind of dumb.
It seems Sawbuck from this timeline (i.e. the "real" Sawbuck) was in this room at this point in time. He and Crowbar exchange bullets. Off they go.
They no doubt go on to spend the rest of their ammunition peppering each other throughout the timeline, destroying all these clocks in the process between now and the present. You guess that explains the mess when you got here. Thank God you figured that out. You'd have surely lost sleep over it.
20/107 CLOCKS REDESTROYED. FOR THE FIRST TIME. EVENTUALLY... YOU KNOW WHAT, NEVER MIND.
Let's see... sorry to... no... time's running... no wait... fuck.
You ask yourself from the past for a little help. Time's... something about time. Time being up. No wait, how about some kind of clock pun. No, dammit, will you just listen. You were almost onto something. Time... time is...
Screw this. Too many cooks in the kitchen.
Oh and just what does this quivering mound of blubber think he is up to?
Just as you hear your past self asking what happened to your eye, you jab Sawbuck with your BUTTERFLY EFFECT KNIFE. You remember a little while ago asking yourself about your eye, and not giving yourself an answer just before disappearing. Maybe if you stopped and thought about it for a second, you could have warned yourself and avoided the whole mess, albeit in the process of creating a paradox. But your strict policy of stabbing first and answering questions later prevented it. You're sure your past self understands/understood. You are sure of this because you very clearly remember understanding/understooding.
You were just about to pull Crowbar's pin. You guess all that stuff with your future self and Sawbuck originally happened in this room while we were all off watching someone else, like Diamonds Droog or something. That makes sense.
Being your future self is a lot more constructive because you get to do stuff you haven't already done.
Looks like you're in the future. It's a bloody mess in here. The clocks are more bullet-riddled than ever. And it seems Crowbar and both Sawbucks have been decapitated. You're almost certain this is something you will be, or were already, responsible for. Which of course means more time traveling.
Looks like the tub and chest are gone. Which means future-you must have packed up and left already. Got to take note of these sorts of things so you know where you are in the timeline.
You check up on Slick's status. Slick says he killed Crowbar again, Sawbuck twice, and Stitch once. You ask him if it was an alternate timeline Stitch. He says he guesses so. You say that doesn't count. You've got the real one here. He mutters some foul language you can't quite make out, but you tell him never mind and hurry down to meet you at the vault.
He says he took some damage from Snowman. You say you know. You're having some EFFIGIES made of yourselves with your BACKUP HATS. Deuce brought Slick's crumpled BACKUP HAT which he wound up with somehow. Not sure what happened to Deuce's. Boxcars is obviously tied up at the moment, so you can't get your hands on his yet.
Slick says he's got both their HATS and he'll be down ASAP. You say alright. He says in the meantime see what you can do about this eye.
You get Diamonds on the radio and tell him to undo it and wait until you're turned around. He says it's the right eye, right? Were you facing left or right? You say it's only right when facing left. It's the left eye when facing right. He says oh, so it's the left-right eye. You say yeah, but hang on a minute, you'll turn around so it's right-left. He says ok, he'll wait.
If Cans shows up, none of these weapons you've got are going to do any good.
You admire the LANCE for a moment. It's a pretty sweet weapon with outstanding craftsmanship. At least you got something out of the eye-gouging. She'll have to pry this thing from your rigid severed arm if she wants it back.
You deal the oven a wicked flogging but not much happens.
The oven doesn't really have any magical time properties to be negated. It just travels into the future at a rate of one second per second, like everyone else.
Since your expert safe cracker apparently spent the last five or six hours being totally useless down here, you figure it's time to take things into your own hands.
Huh? What's this little fella all worked up about?
Clover insists that you reconsider! Using that to pry open the vault would be EVER so much bad luck! Like breaking a thousand mirrors all at once! The sort of mirrors that tick and have numbers and tell time and stuff. That is the worst kind of mirror to break, luckwise.
He refuses outright and starts doing a really frisky jig!
DOO DEE DOO DEE DOO DOO
DOO DEE DOO DEE DOO DOO
He begins spinning a fanciful series of riddles illuminating the true path to opening the vault. Mysterious music fills your ears as your mind assumes the shape of a pretzel.
DOO DEE DOO DEE DOO DOO
DOO DEE DOO DEE DOO DOO
DOO DOO DOO DEE DOO DOO DOO
DOO DEE DOO DEE DOO DOO
This is how the music would sound if we were listening to it right now.
This isn't a real newspaper. It's just a wrapper for your private sordid literature, which no one can ever see.
Uh oh, it's slipping out a bit. Your appetite for MONOCHROME BEAUTIES is nearly on public display. Gotta keep a lid on that smut! Especially with Clover around.
Suddenly the whole vault room is shaking. You wonder what it could be.
It sounds suspiciously like Cans is about to plow through the wall Kool-Aid Man style. You pray to God that it is not Cans about to plow through the wall Kool-Aid Man style.
You find yourself going about your business a week later. Looks like you're doing a little grocery shopping.
You're a bit confused, having no memory of the previous week. You have no idea what is on your grocery list. Are you out of milk?? What kind of produce do you need to stock up on??? It is all a little overwhelming.
Looks like this one's themed with SPIRITED HORSES. You'll be up to your ass in horses for a whole year. Just great, this is just what you need to be doing. Farmin' all these goddamn horses. Fuckin' pain in the ass.
The massive release of temporal distortion from the vault transports you to a highly unfavorable timeline. Looks like the entire mansion was leveled, except for the vault and its enclosure. Everyone's dead except for you and you know who.
What KEYHOLE? It was clearly a BARCODE SCANNER all along. Like the kind they sweep groceries over at supermarkets. That reminds you, you should really do some shopping next week.
You're not going to peek inside because the lasers could blind you in one eye. OH WAIT
You swap your modus to JENGA, ejecting your sylladex in the process.
Looks like the TIME CAPSULE has reset itself. It is sprouting a new bud. Presumably something else will come out when it blooms again in about 400 years.
Too bad you won't be around to find out what it is!
Since you do not actually have a DUTTON PHOTO lying around, the pad captchalogues a DUTTON PHOTO GHOST IMAGE. It is not a tangible item, and can never be used ever. It seems to be more of an imprint on the card itself, like a watermark.
However, the back of the card does seem to contain a viable CAPTCHA CODE for a real DUTTON PHOTO, for whatever it's worth.
You sketch a beautiful, succulent PUMPKIN, knowing perfectly well that a PUMPKIN GHOST IMAGE will be captchalogued, because you are quite sure there is not a PUMPKIN in this room, and there surely never will be.
You are returned to your bedroom without the rest of your loot. You doubt you'll have time to go back and get it. You guess you have inadvertently left your own time capsule there for whatever party may find it in the future. Lucky bastards!
You get started installing both discs. Might as well get a jump on it to avoid the sort of future drama that results from poor time management decisions.
|PESTERLOG|
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --
EB: rose? EB: are you there? EB: i went through the gate, nanna said you might be here too. EB: are you in kind of this spooky glowy place with oily rivers and stuff? EB: let me know ok.
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
GG: john hi!!!!! EB: hi jade! EB: guess where i am. GG: are you on the ground below the clouds yet? EB: yeah! EB: wait how did you know that's where the gate goes... EB: did you talk to rose? can she still see me while im down here? EB: she won't answer. GG: no i havent talked to her yet but id like to soon GG: ive got a lot of catching up to do with all of you! GG: sorry ive been so scarce ive just been so busy running around like crazy and looking after my dog and stuff all day!!!! GG: i think he just locked me in my room actually :\ EB: oh man. EB: he sounds like such a handful. GG: yeah EB: but it's ok, i think he is mostly just looking after you. EB: like a guardian angel or something. EB: if i were you i would take him out behind the woodshed and give him a big hug. GG: :D GG: hey john can you hold on i have to talk to dave and start playing this game with him EB: oh? what game? GG: sburb!!!! duh what else! EB: what, i thought you didn't even know what sburb was! GG: oh jeez i was asleep when i said that silly! GG: of course i know what it is EB: oh ok. EB: where did you even get it? GG: from the ruins GG: its daves copy EB: wow. EB: the thing you just said doesn't even make the slightest bit of sense. GG: i know right! hehehe GG: oh!!!! GG: that reminds me since im setting the game up with dave to be his server you are going to need to do the same thing for me EB: oh really? EB: this is news to me. GG: can you see from where youre standing the place your dads car would have fallen? EB: oh yeah, i think so. it'll be kind of a long walk though, this place is huge. GG: you should go there and get your copy of the server and set up with me..... GG: oh and also get your package!!!!!! :) EB: okay. EB: wait, how did you know my dad's car fell down here? GG: johhhhn will you stop trying to trap me!!! GG: you TOLD me the car fell remember? GG: jeeeez EB: jeeeeeeeeeeez! GG: JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ!!!!! EB: ok fine well color me suspicious anyway. EB: miss knowitall mcpsychicpants. GG: john im not any more psychic than you though EB: ok sure i am convinced. EB: you have convinced me. EB: (PSYCHIC PSYCHIC PSYCHIC) EB: also i told you the package was in the car but i never mentioned that the game was there too. EB: so kind of totally busted i guess. EB: GIVE ME A P EB: GIVE ME AN S GG: hahahaha oops ok! GG: i mean i know lots of things but im really serious its no more information than what you have access to GG: but you dont know it yet GG: anyway we can talk more about it soon..... GG: i wont have to be so coy with you anymore because im pretty sure most of the stuff that was supposed to happen has already happened GG: i couldnt tell you about it because it would have messed it up! EB: ok, that is fair. GG: just give me a few minutes while i set up this game! GG: and say hi to the salamanders for me GG: <3
|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --
TG: hey TG: will you open your laptop already TG: see TG: this is why you need a phone or something TG: that alerts you to important messages TG: instead of leaving them trapped TG: under three inches of fucking yarn TG: laptops dont need cozies TG: nothing needs cozies TG: cozy is a goddamn adjective TG: maybe ill crochet myself an iphone snuggly TG: what is this place anyway TG: what are you doing TG: i can see your whole damn house here if you want to get filled in or something im sort of the guy with the big picture here TG: dont make me bop you on the head with a wizard TG: ill do it TG: ok no i wont TG: yet TG: i guess ill bone up on the faq for a while TG: so i dont do anything stupid and deploy like 10 crux flangers and fuck up the whole game TG: oh my god TG: so many words TG: do you think like the pulitzer committee is secretly scouring the dregs of the gamefaq archives or something TG: damn TG: i cant read this shit im sorry
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --
GG: yo yooooooo!!!!!!! TG: whoa ok hey GG: so youre finally playing the game with rose? TG: yeah TG: but she wont answer me GG: shes probably just exploring im sure she will come around soon.... GG: but its great that you got her out of there in time!!! TG: pretty much you have no idea how much i fuckin own at this game TG: i bested no less than three flaming tornados and broke a huge wizard GG: so how does it feel to be a BIG TIME HERO GG: mister braveybrave mcheropants TG: it feels like TG: i am in sports TG: all alone TG: and i am the star TG: its me TG: and then the big man comes GG: hehehe GG: but it turns out to be CRAZY what kind of basket ball this man plays! GG: ummmm...... GG: the HOOP IS ON FIRE... GG: ok i forget how it goes TG: no you got it TG: we're good TG: reference secured GG: yes!!!!!! GG: so now it is my turn to be the star! GG: i will be your hero GG: its me TG: wait what GG: i installed the game! GG: im connecting to you as the server player TG: oh man TG: this is ridiculous TG: i just set this shit up with rose and now i got to do like TG: some double duty thing TG: i mean i own at the game and all but cant i just relax for half a second GG: dont worry! GG: you can keep playing with rose while i just set up a few things GG: i figured id get a good head start to avoid all the drama you guys are always getting into GG: such a bunch of drama queens!!! TG: what TG: look i was getting my ass handed to me by my bro on the roof for like an hour and a half TG: i got served like a dude on butler island GG: (DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA) TG: wait does this mean theres a big meteor coming soon GG: yes! TG: when you activate the thing will it start the countdown and summon the meteor GG: itll come when it comes regardless of what we do GG: the timer really just lets you know when its coming TG: are you totally sure about all this GG: yes look here it is! GG: http://bit.ly/d7kXrQ TG: ok yes that image is definitely conclusive proof of something and is 100% understandable by anyone who looks at it TG: how big is this thing GG: it is REALLY REALLY big TG: like the size of rhode island or texas or what TG: i need some context to know how much crap i should be shitting into my pants GG: ok i dont actually know :( TG: well as if like one the size of a bus wouldnt kill me anyway GG: hehe yeah.... TG: wait hold on rose is finally opening her stupid laptop TG: so do your thing i guess TG: have fun GG: thanks i will! <3
|PESTERLOG|
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --
CG: HEY JOHN. CG: CALM THE HELL DOWN. EB: aaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!! EB: how did you find me????? CG: FIND YOU? CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN. EB: i changed my chum handle to ditch you guys. EB: how did you find me? CG: OH. CG: HA HA! CG: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! CG: THIS IS THE LITTLE WORD HUMANS SAY REPEATEDLY WHEN SOMETHING TICKLES THEIR ABSURDITY PALATE, RIGHT? EB: uh... EB: lame. CG: WE NEVER LOST YOU. CG: YOUR RUSE DIDN'T FOOL US. CG: IT JUST SO HAPPENS WE DIDN'T PARTICULARLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT TALKING TO YOU IN THAT TIMEFRAME. EB: what, the last few months? CG: WE HAVE THE ENTIRE CONTINUUM OF YOUR EXISTENCE TO CHOOSE FROM WHEN CONTACTING YOU. CG: THE PERIOD WAS UNREMARKABLE. CG: SORT OF LIKE YOUR WHOLE LIFE. BUT I GUESS I MEAN IT WAS ESPECIALLY UNREMARKABLE. CG: THIS HAS BEEN EXPLAINED TO YOU SO OFTEN IT WOULD MAKE ME SICK TO MY HUMAN STOMACH IF I HAD ONE OF YOUR HUMAN STOMACHS. EB: ok, this time i'll believe you that you aren't human. EB: because the skepticism center of my brain is starting to wear kind of thin i guess. EB: but you're still a major asshole and i don't actually want to talk to you, so bye. CG: WAIT. CG: BUT I'M NOT HERE TO TROLL YOU THIS TIME. CG: WE'RE FRIENDS OK? EB: hahahahahaha! EB: oh man, look at this outburst of little human words i'm saying! EB: from my human mouth! CG: FINE YOU CAN THINK I'M A FUCKING DOUCHE AND MAYBE I AM BUT HERE'S THE FACT, IDIOT. CG: I'VE ALREADY HAD LOTS OF CONVERSATIONS WITH YOU. CG: IN THE FUTURE. I MEAN YOUR FUTURE. CG: I'VE KIND OF BEEN WORKING BACKWARDS HERE FOR A WHILE. CG: AND IT'S A LITTLE FRUSTRATING. CG: EVERY TIME I GO FURTHER BACK YOU KNOW LESS AND LESS, AND YOU DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING I SAID BECAUSE IT HASN'T HAPPENED YET. CG: AND I HAVE TO REPEAT MYSELF A LOT. CG: AND I'M GETTING PRETTY FUCKING SICK OF IT. EB: that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard. CG: WELL IT'S NOT LIKE I MAPPED OUT THIS TROLLING ONSLAUGHT VERY WELL IN ADVANCE. CG: I MEAN, WHEN YOU TROLL SOMEONE YOU JUST SORT OF DO IT. YOU DON'T START DRAWING FLOWCHARTS AND DIAGRAMS AND STUFF. EB: wait... EB: you have something to do with this game, don't you? EB: i should have known. CG: OH GOD. CG: NOT AGAIN. CG: NO, FUCK NO, I AM JUST NOT GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU AGAIN. CG: YOU'LL GET PLENTY OF DIRT ON ALL THIS FROM ME IN FUTURE CONVERSATIONS. CG: TEDIOUS CONVERSATIONS. CG: ONES I'VE ALREADY HAD WITH YOU. CG: WHERE YOUR DEMEANOR WILL GRADUALLY BECOME INEXPLICABLY AND REVOLTINGLY FRIENDLY TOWARDS US. CG: AND SO I GUESS IT JUST WAS KIND OF INFECTIOUS AND NOW WE'RE ALL BUDDIES I THINK. CG: IT'S REALLY WEIRD. CG: THIS HUMAN EMOTION YOU CALL FRIENDSHIP. EB: friendship isn't an emotion fucknuts. CG: SEE, THAT IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. CG: YOU'RE MUCH MORE TOLERABLE A GUY THAN I THOUGHT AT FIRST, OK JOHN? EB: why are you kissing my ass? EB: what do you want? why don't you just tell me what's going on. EB: are you in the medium? CG: OK, FINE. YES WE ARE. EB: like, here in this land, with the clouds and oil and stuff? CG: MORE OF THIS NARCISSISM. CG: YOU ALWAYS THINK EVERYTHING REVOLVES AROUND YOU. CG: WE HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR DUMB LITTLE WINDY PLANET OR YOUR PETTY LITTLE QUESTS. CG: OR FOR THAT MATTER YOUR ENTIRE GAME SESSION. CG: YOU AREN'T THE ONLY ONES PLAYING THE GAME. CG: EVERY GROUP OF PLAYERS GETS THEIR OWN DISTINCT, BLANK SLATE SESSION. CG: AS WILL BE EXPLAINED TO YOU MANY TIMES. EB: so why don't you just explain it again so i know... EB: so i don't ask so much in the future??? CG: NO. CG: FUCK THIS SHIT, JUST NO. CG: I'M ENDING THIS CONVERSATION BECAUSE I'VE SAID IT ALL TOO MANY TIMES. CG: AND BECAUSE YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND. CG: BECAUSE YOU ARE DUMB. EB: wow, yeah you're totally not trolling me, bro! EB: i see now we are bffs forever. CG: THE FACT THAT YOU ARE DUMB CG: IS AN IMMUTABLE FACT I AM STATING FOR THE RECORD. CG: IT DOES NOT MEAN ANIMOSITY IS WHAT IS TAKING PLACE HERE. EB: oh, ok. EB: so what do you want. CG: I NEED YOU TO TELL YOUR FRIEND JADE TO TALK TO US. CG: SHE WON'T ANSWER OUR MESSAGES IN THIS TIMEFRAME. CG: IT'S IMPORTANT. EB: yeah, i don't blame her for not answering. EB: she pretty much can't stand you guys. EB: because of all the trolling you did before. EB: remember? CG: OK, OUR BAD ON THAT. CG: JUST TELL HER WE'RE SORRY. CG: AND TO GET HER GROSS AND TOTALLY UNATTRACTIVE HUMAN BUTT OFF HER UGLY HUMAN HIGH HORSE AND ANSWER MY MESSAGES. EB: maybe. EB: we'll see. EB: i'm still not really sold on this friendship thing yet. EB: but i've got to go now and get on with my petty little quests. EB: so talk to you in the future i guess. EB: jerkface.
You settle the dispute in the only way you can presently imagine how to settle a dispute. With cans of lukewarm sugary liquid and centuries-old rations.
If only you had access to some means of heating things up.
But it matters not. You warm yourselves in the glow of this human emotion called friendship.
|PESTERLOG|
TG: do you think like the pulitzer committee is secretly scouring the dregs of the gamefaq archives or something TG: damn TG: i cant read this shit im sorry TT: Hold please. TG: hold what TG: i see you at your computer typing TG: what are you doing TG: dang TG: hold on TG: no seriously stop talking to me for a second it looks like jade is dropping the doomsday tube thingy in my room TG: brb gotta make sure she doesnt break all my shit
|PESTERLOG|
TG: hey wait GG: these darn birds are in the way! GG: what are they doing in your apartment anyway!!! GG: also they are adorable TG: i always keep birds in here its sort of my thing GG: ohhhhhhh GG: kind of like all those silly naked puppets are your bros thing? TG: no no thats irony this is like TG: sincere honest to god psychosis TG: im training to be a lame gothy supervillain GG: also i think i cant put it down because of the wires on the floor..... TG: ok TG: well maybe you should take the opportunity to put it somewhere that isnt stone cold retarded GG: i wish i played more games GG: this is hard!!!! TG: no its not GG: :P
|PESTERLOG|
TT: Jade is connected with you? TT: Where did she get the discs? TG: i dont know how does she do any of the loopy batshit nonsense she does TG: maybe she pulled them out of the volcano over there on bloodmonkey mountain TT: Wait. TT: So you mean to tell me she was able to connect with you in a timely fashion, without waiting until you were on the brink of annihilation? TG: we went over this TG: i was a little bogged down TG: in the epic swaddle of legendary puppet taint TT: I've done nothing but wait for boys to play this game with me all day. TT: First John lollygagging with the client, and then you with the server, downright filibustering my existence with unending fraternal melee. TT: And yet a girl, one who didn't even own the game, was able to connect with you minutes after you connected with me. TG: whoa wait TG: what the hell is she doing TG: shes taking my bed what the hell TT: And there she goes. TT: She HAS the karma.
|PESTERLOG|
TG: so seriously what were you doing just now TT: I was talking to someone. TG: who TT: You remember the trolls? TG: yeah TT: One of them messaged me, so I indulged him/her/it for a moment. TG: oh i see you opted to chat up one of those dbags instead of talk to the guy who saved you from a swirling shitstorm of angry flaming wizards TG: i was worried your priorities might have been out of whack but no i was dead wrong TT: I also took a moment to check on John. TG: how is he TT: I can't see him anymore. Just his empty house. TT: But I did talk to him briefly. TG: i should probably text him soon TG: see whats up TG: because TG: i love him TT: I know. TG: so this place youre at now TG: its the same place hes at right TT: It's hard to say for certain. TT: But I think I like it here.
This whole place is a disorganized mess. It kind of reminds you of your room but full of weird and ironic stuff instead of cute and great stuff. Your stuff is so much better.
You're pretty sure these are all Dave's BRO'S puppets. You better not mess with them. Frankly his brother makes you a little nervous.
What the apartment needs is a woman's touch. You grab a TOWEL you found lying around and dampen it with water from the toilet. This is how ordinary people clean ordinary houses, right?
You excuse yourself for a moment and retrieve a few of your personal belongings. These should really impress your visitors.
That musty old toy on the floor ought to make a nice peace offering for the feisty tall one too. You are quite certain that ladies like squishy useless things like that.
The yellow bandaged fellow seems to have slogged off somewhere. But the tall mail carrier with the lovely white complexion would probably get a kick out of your big computer with the weird boy on it.
But instead she takes note of your nice chalk drawings and pays you a compliment.
You are somewhat mystified by the fact that she is be more impressed by your silly drawings than your amazing technology.
Maybe simple things are the key to the heart of a lady. You do not know because you do not know anything about ladies really. They are a riddle draped in a mystery wrapped in post-apocalyptic shroudwear.
You stop and examine the kind mayor's device. It is quite similar to the one in your station, before the unfortunate accident. The one with the familiar looking girl on it. Perhaps this one is best left alone.
Still, there is something familiar about the boy on this monitor too.
|SPRITELOG|
JOHN: nanna, are you there? NANNASPRITE: Yes! JOHN: i just saw my house from below. what gives? why did the gate take me down here? NANNASPRITE: All the gates do, John. To ascend, each time you must first descend! JOHN: huh. alright. so i guess i scramble around down here until... uh, until what? NANNASPRITE: Until you find the next gate. It is hidden somewhere in the Land. JOHN: ok, so i get to that gate and go in. then what? where does it take me? uh... further up maybe? but i haven't even built that high yet. NANNASPRITE: So you see why you had to build in the first place, John? You must have a little faith in your dear old nanna! JOHN: yeah, well, i do nanna but i'm still not really getting it. does the next gate down here take me back up to the house or something? JOHN: (please don't say hoo hoo hoo) NANNASPRITE: HOO. HOO HOO.
|PESTERLOG|
TG: this is the worst shitting thing ive ever seen TG: the thing that just happened GG: hi dave!!!! TG: jesus TG: and the worst thing is TG: all that juice i drank TG: i mean TG: you just HAD TO FIGURE all that juice was going to come back to haunt me TG: like frankensteins incontinent fucking ghost TG: it was like TG: chekhovs juice GG: hehehe what?? TG: let me be perfectly clear TG: what i am trying to say is TG: its like fucking christmas up in my bladder here TG: and where do i find my toilet TG: oh look here it is TG: amputated in my room TG: gagged with a towel like a fucking prison hostage TG: and now the cruxploder is counting down TG: 4 hours oh i guess thats not that bad GG: 4 hours until what? TG: what TG: oh god TG: are you asleep
|PESTERLOG|
GG: ummm.... GG: i................ GG: i think i might be! TG: ok TG: ok lets just TG: not panic here GG: im not panicking i feel fine! TG: lets try to play it cool TG: and not break all my shit TG: also dont put anything weird in the seizure kernel TG: im going to go find somewhere to pee TG: dont watch me ok GG: <_<; TG: like i know you dream about me enough already TG: lets keep some shit left to the imagination ok GG: i wont look ok jeez!!!!! TG: the last thing i need is for your weird brain webcam to be snapping shots of my dong TG: your grandpa was a sick fuck why would he build a voyeurbot for a little girl TG: fuck GG: stop being a huge baby and go peeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!
Once you're done you'll captchalogue the bottle and send the code to Egbert and tell him it's something really important. Then he'll make it and be like, oh man yes apple juice I am so thirsty!!!
But he will not be drinking delicious juice, oh no. He will be choking down a world of hot piss and it will serve him right for liking all those dumbass movies unironically.
|PESTERLOG|
GG: oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo GG: :( GG: dave TG: what GG: :( TG: what is it GG: dave this poor bird TG: what bird GG: the one with the sword through it!!! TG: i wouldnt know anything about that GG: but isnt this your sword? TG: that could be anyones sword GG: :| TG: what does it look like TG: is it a cheap piece of shit TG: cause i only bother with high quality blades TG: forged by stoic asian masters TG: hells of rude kinds of expensive GG: all i know is........ GG: its sharp and its through a bird and its a sword GG: end of story!!!!!! GG: i am going to help the poor bird TG: wait TG: what do you mean TG: dammit hold on a minute
|PESTERLOG|
TG: wow awesome TG: so now i guess instead having of a wise or helpful spirit guide sprite thing TG: im stuck with this brainless feathery asshole GG: what do you mean i just brought the cute birdie back to life!!! GG: isnt he great? TG: we need to wake you up TG: youre not very logical like this TG: kind of dumb really GG: gosh im SOOOO SOOOORRY!!!!!!!! GG: i was tired! TG: yeah but come on you sleep like 20 hours a day GG: well you are out of luck..... GG: i will wake up when im good and ready!
|PESTERLOG|
TG: where are you sitting TG: are you on your bed GG: yes why TG: what side GG: ummmmmm.... GG: the right side... GG: why?? TG: ok heres what i want you to do TG: just humor me TG: raise your left hand GG: okaaay...... TG: now TG: just kind of swat the air to your left GG: ...
You build a bigger and better town to preside over. All expatriates are welcome, no matter what happened in the past, regardless of professional persuasion or metallurgical affiliation. You cut the town's ribbon with an official JUDICIAL BAYONET, which is stuck inside a grenade but you are kind of nervous about removing it.
The stars twinkle over the freshly christened EXILE TOWN. It is a beautiful evening and the future is so full of promise you can't imagine what could possibly oh my god a huge eggy looking thing just appeared in the sky.
|PESTERLOG|
TG: oh man TG: awesome TG: its awesome where you put that TG: i was worried we were on the verge of getting some shit done GG: duuurrrrr dave i was going to build some stairs up there durrrrrhhhhhh TG: well where are they TG: you say there will be stairs TG: and yet TG: i see no stairs GG: gosh i dont know i guess i didnt find the time to make them because i keep getting punched in the face by robots and stuff!!!!!!! TG: sorry GG: ;p TG: am i supposed to break that thing TG: or hatch it TG: or what GG: i dont know! TG: also what happened to all my shit TG: the stuff scattered all over the roof TG: did you put it somewhere GG: nope.... TG: i mean not that i care TG: it was a lot of mostly useless garbage GG: what was it doing up here? TG: i was going to use it to fight my bro with TG: but i guess i forgot in the heat of battle TG: also he was too fast
|PESTERLOG|
TG: ok so TG: the egg is now in a nest made of shitty swords and soft puppet ass TG: please advise GG: i think your sprite wants to hatch it! GG: awww TG: do you think thatll take more than four hours GG: hmm... GG: i dont know it looks like its pretty warm where you are TG: its hot as the sizzle side of the steak GG: maybe not too long then???? GG: i guess we'll find out! TG: maybe i should try to get it back TG: and put it in the microwave GG: :(
|PESTERLOG|
GG: ok some of these things we can deploy but some things we dont have nearly enough grist for! TG: you mean the jumper block thing GG: no no weve got enough for that..... GG: but its still pretty expensive TG: wait what TG: the thing costs 1000 for me GG: yeah me too! GG: and we have 2000 to work with GG: ok 1998 ._. TG: what TG: man i only got 200 to splash around with in roses rainbow world TG: what the hell GG: ohhh... GG: how much did rose start with? when she was playing with john? TG: hang on ill ask GG: k TG: she says 20 GG: i guess we keep getting more with each server/client connection! TG: yeah TG: so i guess you can buy everything now GG: no!!!! GG: i cant buy the holopad thingy and the intellibeam laserstation TG: ok now i know youre making this shit up GG: hahahaha no theyre right here! GG: they cost a fortune TG: well all i got here is the designix which i cant deploy cause i dont have any purples TG: and the expensive as hell jumper thing and the cheap shunts which i assume do dick all without the jumpers to put em on TG: oh also this cd which is 100 but i didnt drop cause it seemed like a stiff allocation of resources for now GG: yeah ive got that too! GG: i will deploy it TG: so with each new connection in our player chain i guess new weird deployables are introduced GG: yes i think that is how it works GG: when john connects with me he will probably get some cool new things too! TG: hey look we're learning stuff
|PESTERLOG|
TG: what should i do with these beta copies TG: i dont really need them anymore GG: i suppose just hang on to them for a while........ GG: and then later GG: just do whatever you are naturally compelled to do with them! TG: wow that was a weird answer TG: but ok
You put the card in the slot and stick the shunt on the jumper pins.
Nothing happens. You might need to stick a punched card in there, probably allowing the holes in the card to affect the flow of current through the circuits. And to punch cards you'll need to get a designix somehow.
|PESTERLOG|
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --
EB: rose? EB: are you there? EB: i went through the gate, nanna said you might be here too. EB: are you in kind of this spooky glowy place with oily rivers and stuff? EB: let me know ok. TT: I guess one could use those words to describe it. TT: If armed with a predilection for the inapt. EB: bluh bluh bluuuuuhhhhh. EB: ok, what words would you use, miss wordypants mcsmartybluh. TT: Eerily iridescent? EB: umm... TT: I certainly don't see any oily rivers. TT: There's an ocean though. EB: i haven't found an ocean yet. EB: but i dunno, the place is really big. EB: it's like a whole planet down here. EB: oh man, which reminds me. EB: i just got hounded by a troll. TT: Yes, one of them is bugging me now. TT: I thought it was odd timing. EB: yeah well, they say they want to be friends, also they're playing sburb but like not the same session as ours or something. EB: oh also they're moving backwards in time, which sounds really retarded, but whatever. TT: Color my curiosity piqued, I guess. EB: yeah, i guess answer him if you want. or not. EB: but anyway, it's great you made it here alive and stuff! EB: so dave came through? TT: Eventually. TT: Pardon the envy I'm about to vent in your direction. EB: for what? TT: For finding yourself at the mercy of a rational orchestrator. EB: oh, haha. EB: yeah, i'd feel kinda weird if dave was watching me too. TT: You don't feel weird when I watch you? EB: rose i feel weird when you're just TALKING to me, when you're watching me it's just like the weird frosting on the big weirdo cake. TT: I can't see you now, for what it's worth. EB: yes i'm freeeeeeeeee :D EB: ok, i'm going to go over this river and through these woods. EB: you talk to your troll i guess. EB: we'll compare notes later. TT: Ok. TT: Bye, John.
|PESTERLOG|
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
GC: H3Y L4LOND3 GC: STOP CRY1NG 1N YOUR MOMS B3V3R4G3 GC: SH3 H4T3S YOU 4ND H4S L3FT YOU FOR3V3R GC: H3H3H3H >8D TT: Now I'm confused. TT: On the surface, this appears to be another contrivance from a troll desperate to offend. TT: But John said you wanted to be friends. TT: And if you knew me, I suppose your remark could be construed as a ploy to elicit agreement. TT: And soon, rapport. TT: Not that it would actually work. GC: GOD GC: YOU R34LLY DO T4LK TOO MUCH TT: So which is it? GC: OOOOOOOOOH GC: YOUR T3XT SM3LLS GOOD GC: 1S TH4T L4V3ND3R TT: You smell words? GC: YOU DONT??? TT: Right. Aliens, I forgot. GC: Y3S 1TS 34SY TO FORG3T GC: G1V3N OUR "R4PPORT" GC: 4ND HOW MUCH W3 R34LLY H4V3 1N COMMON GC: 1 FORG3T TH4T YOU HUM4NS 4CTU4LLY COMMUN1C4T3 W1TH SP33CH 1NST34D OF R3L34SING CLOUDS OF FR4GR4NT G4S3S GC: 4ND SM3LL1NG 3ACH OTH3RS S3NT3NC3S TT: Gross. GC: 4H4H4H4 SO GULL1BL3 GC: YOULL B3L13V3 4NYTH1NG 1 T3LL YOU GC: OF COURS3 W3 T4LK DUMMY >8] TT: Still not sure if I'm being courted or trolled here. GC: 1M GO1NG TO GO W1TH TH3 LATT3R GC: 1 H4T3 YOU 4LL QU1T3 4 LOT GC: BUT 1 TH1NK GC: TH3 OTH3RS W1LL 3V3NTU4LLY R34L1Z3 TH4T 1TLL B3 MUTU4LLY B3N3F1C14L FOR US 4LL TO WORK TOG3TH3R GC: 4ND SO TH3YLL PROB4BLY B3 4LL FR13NDLY L1KE L4T3R ON TT: By later on, you mean now? GC: Y34H GC: TH4TS PROB4BLY WH4T JOHN W4S H34RING GC: 4ND M4YBE TH3YLL 3V3N M34N 1T 4ND W4NT TO B3 FR13NDLY GC: BUT 1 1NT3ND TO ST4Y P1SS3D 4T YOU FOR3V3R GC: 3V3N 1F 1 S33M H3LPFUL TT: Then you're in luck. TT: Because you don't. GC: H3H3 NO BUT 1 W1LL BE GC: TH3 F4CT TH4T 1 W1LL B3 H3LPFUL GC: 1S 4N 1MMUT4BL3 F4CT 1 4M ST4T1NG FOR TH3 R3CORD GC: 1T DO3S NOT M34N FR13NDSH1P 1S WH4T 1S T4K1NG PL4C3 H3R3 TT: John was told you were moving backwards through time. TT: Was he gullible to believe this? TT: Or is the fact that I'm asking just further indication of my own gullibility? TT: Feel free to continue shifting the definition of the word to suit your convenience. GC: W3 H4V3NT 3V3N B33N T4LK1NG TO YOU FOR LONG GC: L1K3 4 F3W M1NUT3S FROM MY P3RSP3CT1V3 GC: 1F TH3R3 4R3 SOM3 OF US WHO D3C1D3D TO ST4RT T4LK1NG TO YOU 4T TH3 3ND OF YOUR 4DV3NTUR3 R1GHT OFF TH3 B4T GC: 1NST34D OF 4T THE B3G1NN1NG L1K3 WH4TS LOG1C4L GC: TH3N TH4TS TH31R STUP1D BUS1NESS GC: 1M ST4Y1NG L1N34R GC: C4US3 W31RD T1M3 STUFF G1V3S ME A H34D4CHE GC: OH 4LSO 1TS PO1NTL3SS TT: Alright, let's continue milking my human gullibility and say I believe you. You're the sensible one who's decided to communicate with us in linear lockstep with our timeline in order to help us out. TT: How can you help me? GC: YOU JUST 3NT3R3D YOUR M3D1UM R1GHT TT: Yes. GC: OK GC: DO3S 1T S33M L1K3 TH3R3 1S A SUBTL3 VO1C3 1N YOUR H34D URG1NG YOU TO DO TH1NGS TT: Yes. TT: It's not so subtle, actually. GC: Y3S!!!!!!! >8O GC: FOR M3 TOO 1T W4S MOR3 LOUD 4ND CL34R TH4N FOR TH3 OTH3RS GC: YOU S33 W3 4R3 M34NT TO B3 B3ST H4T3FR13NDS FOR3V3R TT: A beautiful soulgrudge this cosmic was surely authored by the constellations. GC: TH3Y 4LL THOUGHT 1 W4S CR4ZY GC: BUT H4H4H4 1T TURN3D OUT W3 4LL W3R3 1N OUR OWN W4YS GC: TH4T H3LP3D US R34LIZ3 TH3 P4RTICUL4R D3ST1N13S THE G4M3 PUT TOG3TH3R FOR US GC: 1N TH3 VOC4BUL4RY OF L1K3 GC: TH3 HYP3R FL3XIBL3 MYTHOLOGY 1T T41LORS TO 34CH PL4Y3R GROUP TT: You mean, for instance... TT: If a player were to learn she was a "Seer"? GC: Y34H 3X4CTLY! S33R OF M1ND P4G3 OF BR34TH KN1GHT OF BLOOD M41D OF T1M3 GC: 3TC 3TC 3TC GC: 12 FOR US BUT OBV1OUSLY 4 FOR YOU GC: 3V3RY S3SS1ON 1S D1FF3R3NT TT: And this voice? GC: OH Y34H GC: 1TS 4N 3X1L3 TT: Exiled from what? GC: 1T TOOK US FOR3V3R TO F1GUR3 TH1S OUT GC: B3C4US3 TH3Y 4R3NT M34NT TO B3 4N OBV1OUS 4SP3CT OF TH3 G4M3 GC: TH3YR3 ON YOUR D34D PLAN3T GC: JUST L1K3 TH3YR3 ON OURS GC: Y34RS 4FT3R 1TS R3CKON1NG GC: TH31R ROL3 1S TO H3LP YOU ON YOUR QU3ST 1N SOM3 W4YS GC: TH3 OBV1OUS W4Y 1S BY D1R3CTLY GU1DING YOUR 4CT1ONS GC: BUT M4YB3 TH3 MOR3 1MPORT4NT W4YS 4R3 TH3S3 L1TTL3 TH1NGS TH3Y DO PROB4BLY W1THOUT 3V3N R34L1Z1NG 1T GC: 4CT1ONS TH4T COMPL3T3 LOOPS 1N TH3 T1M3L1NE GC: COGS 1N P4R4DOX SP4C3 TT: Paradox space? GC: OH H3LL GC: L1ST3N TH3 UN1V3RS3 W1LL 34T P4R4DOX3S FOR BR34KF4ST GC: 4ND SO W1LL TH1S G4M3 GC: G3T US3D TO 1T GC: BY NOW YOU SHOULD R34L1Z3 TH1S WHOL3 M3SS W4S 4 B1G S3LF FULLF1LL1NG CLUST3RFUCK GC: A HUG3 ORG14ST1C MOB1US DOUBL3 R34CH4ROUND TT: I'm starting to see that. TT: So the exiles are on Earth? Does that mean our goal is to get back there too? To resurrect it somehow? GC: NO NO NO GC: S33 1RON1C4LLY TH3Y G3T TO DO TH4T GC: 4FT3R TH3YR3 DON3 H3LP1NG YOU TH4T 1S GC: YOUR JOB 1S OF GR34T3R CONS3QU3NC3 TO S4Y TH3 L34ST GC: BUT P4RT OF TH31R JOB 1S TO R3BU1LD L1F3 4ND C1V1L1Z4T1ON TH3R3 GC: 4ND 1F TH3YR3 SUCC3SSFUL 1N THOUS4NDS OR M1LL1ONS OF Y34RS TH3 T3CHNOLOGY 1S UN34RTH3D 4ND TH3 PL4N3T 1S R1P3 FOR S33D1NG 4LL OV3R 4G41N TT: You never answered the question. Where were they exiled from? GC: FROM TH3 TWO K1NGDOMS 1N TH3 1NC1P1SPH3R3 GC: 3XP4TR14T3D DUR1NG TH3 R3CKON1NG GC: FORM3R 4G3NTS TT: What are agents? GC: 1 TH1NK GC: TH1S W1LL B3 MOR3 CONSTRUCT1V3 GC: 1F 1 CONT4CT YOU 4G41N 1N 4 L1TTL3 WH1L3 GC: WH3N YOU KNOW MOR3 GC: 4ND 1 DONT H4V3 TO 3XPL41N SO MUCH TT: When? GC: 1N 4 COUPL3 OF S3CONDS GC: FOR M3 GC: BUT NOT FOR YOU GC: SUCK3R
|PESTERLOG|
ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]
GT: hey, happy birthday jade! GG: yay thank you john!!!!! :D GT: whew ok, i got your present in the mail JUST on time. GT: plus i sent rose's and dave's too. GT: why do your guys'es birthdays got to be all bunched together like that??? you are running me ragged! GG: heheh i know but it is nice of you to think of us all like that! GT: i can't wait for you to see what i got you. i don't want to spoil it or anything but hopefully it will help you solve those problems you've been having lately. GT: MYSTERIOUS WINK ;) GG: im sure it is great, i cant wait either!!!!! GG: it might take a while to get here from there but it will be worth the wait! GT: oh man. GT: i am such an idiot, i forgot about how long it takes you to get stuff. GT: ARGH. GG: john thats ok really! im sure will get to me exactly when it needs to and it will be a nice surprise when it does! GT: ok well i hope so. GG: <3...... GG: uhhhh hold on
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG]
CG: WAIT GOD DAMMIT DON'T BLOCK ME. CG: I MEAN NOT THAT BLOCKING ME WOULD DO ANYTHING. CG: BUT JUST LISTEN. GG: what do you want????? CG: I JUST HAVE TO DELIVER A MESSAGE AND THEN I'LL GO. CG: IT IS A MESSAGE FROM YOU, SO YOU PROBABLY OUGHT TO LISTEN. GG: this is nonsense GG: every time i believe something you say you laugh at me and call me a gullible human!!!! GG: its so childish CG: OK FINE I ADMIT IT, I COMPLETELY SHIT THE BED HERE. CG: I GET THAT. CG: AND I CAN'T PROMISE I WON'T KEEP TROLLING YOU. CG: CAUSE I WILL, IN WEEKS OR MONTHS OR WHATEVER. CG: I'LL KEEP GIVING YOU A HARD TIME, BUT SEE THAT WON'T BE PRESENT ME. CG: THAT'S PAST ME. CG: FROM LIKE A HALF HOUR AGO OR SO, WHEN I WAS MORE HOT AND BOTHERED ABOUT ALL THIS, OK? GG: D: GG: i dont know what youre talking about at all..... GG: its another prank CG: WHATEVER, FINE, THINK IT'S A PRANK. CG: AS LONG AS YOU REMEMBER THIS CONVERSATION. CG: SEE WE'RE TRYING TO TALK TO YOU IN THE FUTURE, AND IT'S IMPORTANT, BUT YOU WON'T ANSWER US. CG: SO WE TALKED TO YOU WAAAY IN THE FUTURE TO ASK HOW TO GET IN TOUCH WITH NOT-SO-FUTURE YOU. CG: ARE YOU FOLLOWING? GG: no CG: SHE SAID TO TALK TO YOU NOW AND TELL YOU THIS. CG: YOU KNOW YOUR ROBOT? GG: you mean the robot you think is stupid? GG: the one youve mocked me for having on a number of occasions??? CG: YEAH, WELL I STILL DO THINK YOUR ROBOT IS STUPID. CG: BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT. CG: LATER ON IT WILL BLOW UP FOR SOME REASON. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY. GG: this is the worst prank youve ever pulled!!!!!! CG: QUIET. CG: ANYWAY, WHEN IT HAPPENS YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. CG: THE THING TO DO IS TO CONTACT US. CG: AND WE'LL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO. GG: why should i do that? CG: BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU TOLD US TO TELL YOU. CG: WHATEVER, BELIEVE ME, DON'T BELIEVE ME, I DID MY JOB. CG: I'M OUT OF HERE.
GG: ok im back sorry GG: i had to tell someone to go away! GT: oh god. GT: the trolls again? GG: yup :o GT: they have been such a pain in the ass lately. GT: it seems like there are so many. GT: there are either like fifty of these retards or it's one guy with a lot of alt accounts. GG: ive never had any sort of feeling about them or what they want which is kind of weird!!! GG: but it seems to me like they are probably all different people and not one guy GG: i have counted twelve GT: what do they want with us!!! GG: some people just like to needle others for some reason john GG: it is like a game i guess. they are like pranksters!! GT: oh hell no, shittiest pranksters ever. GG: but i think they are mostly harmless GG: every so often they manage to get through my block filter and hassle me. its been going on for years! actually some of them are kind of funny i think hehe GT: oh wow, what? years?? GT: ok, well i am sick of them. GT: i've been thinking of changing my pesterchum handle to throw them off. GT: so... GT: i guess i'm gonna do that.
|PESTERLOG|
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] --
GC: H3H3 GT: uuuuugh GC: H4H4H GC: H3H3H3H3 GT: ? GC: LOL! GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3 GC: >:] GT: well GT: i guess you're not too bad a troll if this is all you do. GT: just laughing and stuff. GC: H33H33H33!!!! GC: H4H4H4H4 GT: hehe GC: 4H4H4H44H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4 GT: hehehehehehe GC: JOHN GC: WHY WOULD YOU L4UGH 4T 4 BL1ND G1RL GT: uh... GC: YOU H4V3 NO 1D34 HOW MUCH YOU D1SGUST M3 GC: YOUR3 4 TOT4L D1SGR4C3 TO TH3 F13LD OF 3CTOB1OLOGY GC: 1F W3 3V3R M33T GC: 1M GO1NG TO CUT YOUR THRO4T GC: 4ND L1ST3N TO YOU BL33D WH1L3 1 SM3LL YOU D13
Gotta be something they'll never suspect. What was that thing she said you were a disgrace to? You have kind of a hard time reading shitty leetspeak in spite of your awesome hacker cred.
You have followed the AUTHORITY REGULATOR into enemy territory. It is a risky move and this dark palace makes you very uncomfortable. But it is imperative you press on and recover that parcel.
You have brought along a PARKING CITATION. If confronted, you will say you are only here to deliver payment and leave.
Mr. Noir tells you that ticket had better be notarized and punched in triplicate and presented with the full boondollar penalty plus processing fees, or you are wasting valuable time he could otherwise spend shirking his clerical duties.
Ticket? Oh, this thing. Ha, ha, look at that, you are holding a ticket. How did that get in your hand? It belongs on the desk with the others. No, you are not here to pay a parking ticket.
You explain to the frightening man that you are here to pick up that green parcel.
Jack makes it clear he would rather stab something to death than process the avalanche of paperwork needed to release the confiscated freight. Also any legit courier would have the pickup forms ready to go. In spite of how he's supposed to be dressed now but isn't, he ain't nobody's fool.
The PARCEL MISTRESS departs with her mission of double agency. You wonder if she'll actually be so foolish as to attempt to uphold her end of the lopsided bargain. You make a policy of handing out a REGISWORD and a HITLIST to just about everyone who enters your office. But you never think anyone's actually going to GO THROUGH with it.
You wish you could watch. She's a deadwoman.
You wonder why she's so desperate to acquire this package. What could be inside?
You've leeched more than enough grist from John to afford a PUNCH DESIGNIX, which for some reason Jade put in the hallway making it kind of hard to walk through your apartment, but whatever. You also have plenty of grist for messing around with the ALCHEMITER to manufacture some new gear if you want. But you'd like to figure out what the JUMPER BLOCK does first.
Jade keeps dropping a weird assortment of objects for you to captchalogue and punch. You've given up trying to identify any rhyme or reason to the thought process behind it.
|PESTERLOG|
TG: so i guess this is just a built in designix TG: which is sort of cool i guess TG: since i wont have to go downstairs and bang the hallway door into the thing and squeeze through every time i want to punch a card TG: because of course you couldnt have just put it next to the alchemiter in the first place TG: but then i have to go downstairs anyway to make totems and get cruxite and stuff TG: so really who cares GG: well i think this is only one way to consolidate all the gizmo features.... GG: hang on ill give you more codes!!!
But it appears to economize on space. Now all you have to do is stick a card in a slot to apply an upgrade. Don't have to bother with the shunts anymore.
|PESTERLOG|
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --
GC: JOHN 1TS M3 4G41N EB: who? EB: oh, that's right... EB: the leetspeaking blind one. EB: go away! GC: JOHN DONT M4K3 FUN OF MY H4ND1C4P EB: which one, the blindness or the leetspeak. GC: 1 4M S3NS1T1VE 4BOUT BOTH EB: sorry. GC: YOU C4N M4K3 1T UP TO M3 GC: BY L3TT1NG M3 H3LP YOU EB: wow, you drive a hard bargain! EB: but nooooooooooooo. GC: B3FOR3 YOU K33P TYP1NG MOR3 STUP1D O'S 1N TH4T WORD GC: JUST L1ST3N 4ND DO WH4T 1 S4Y GC: YOU KNOW YOUR3 GO1NG TO 3V3NTU4LLY 4NYW4Y GC: B3C4US3 YOUR3 4 N1C3 GUY 4ND K1ND OF 4 TOT4L W33N13 PUSHOV3R EB: yeah, well you're a huge... EB: oh man, whatever, what do you even want. GC: 1M MOT1V4T3D BY S3LF 1NT3R3ST GC: TO H3LP YOU 4DV4NC3 MOR3 QU1CKLY GC: B3C4US3 1V3 GOT YOUR WHOL3 ADV3NTUR3 R1GHT H3R3 1N FRONT OF M3 EB: do you have a braille screen or something? GC: SHHHHHHHH! GC: 4NYW4Y TH3 PO1NT 1S GC: 1TS LONG AND BOR1NG GC: 4ND YOU COULD ST4ND TO SK1P SOM3 ST3PS EB: i don't really understand. EB: so you can "see" my whole future there, right? EB: by just like, scrolling around on some computer thing that lets you pick what time to talk to me? EB: how can you be bored by my long boring future, why don't you just scroll around to wherever you want like the other weirdos are doing? GC: OK 1 C4N DO TH4T GC: 4ND 1 4M GC: 1 GU3SS WH4T 1 R34LLY M34N 1S GC: 1 JUST W4NT TO M3SS W1TH YOU EB: oh ok, that sounds really great and helpful! GC: 1 M34N M3SS W1TH TH3 T1M3L1N3 GC: MY FR13NDS 4LL TH1NK TH4T YOU C4NT R34LLY CH4NG3 4NYTH1NG GC: TH4T YOUR T1M3L1NE W3'R3 CH4T-HOPP1NG 4ROUND 1S S3T 1N STON3 GC: NO M4TT3R WH4T W3 S4Y OR WH3N W3 S4Y 1T GC: 4ND TH3YR3 PROB4BLY R1GHT GC: BUT 1 DONT C4R3 GC: 1 W4NT TO M3SS W1TH 1T 4ND T4ST3 WH4T H4PPENS GC: >:D EB: sounds dumb. EB: but if it means you're going to help me, then go ahead and help me i guess. GC: L3TS G3T YOU TO TH3 G4T3 F1RST GC: 1TS NOT F4R GC: 1 SN1FF3D OUT 4 M4P OF YOUR PL4N3T EB: whoa, you've got a map? EB: where'd you get it? GC: JOHN W3 AR3 SO MUCH B3TT3R TH4N YOU IN 3V3RY R3SP3CT 1TS R1D1CULOUS EB: can i have it? GC: 1TS HUG3 GC: 4ND MOSTLY 1RR3L3V4NT GC: H3R3 L3T M3 DR4W YOU 4 SM4LL S3CT1ON OF 1T GC: SHOW1NG YOU WH3R3 TO GO EB: ok.
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] sent ectoBiologist [EB] the file "GOH3R3JOHN.G1F" --
|PESTERLOG|
EB: this is the worst crap i have ever seen. EB: what am i looking at here? GC: 1TS TH3 B3ST 1 CAN DO GC: >:[ EB: ok sorry but it's useless. EB: what's with these colors. GC: 1 P1CK3D ON3S TH4T SM3LL N1C3 EB: couldn't you just, like... EB: crop the world map. EB: i thought you guys were THE BEST. GC: SHUT UP MY M4P 1S F1N3 GC: LOOK 1TS NOT 3V3N TH4T F4R 4W4Y GC: 1LL L34D YOU TO 1T GC: 1TS 4 B1G P1P3 GC: YOU JUMP 1N GC: TH3 W1ND W1LL T4K3 YOU TO TH3 G4T3 GC: 1TS 4 SHORTCUT EB: you mean The Breeze? GC: Y34H WH4T3V3R GC: L3TS G3T MOV1NG JOHN GC: 4R3 YOU R34DY TO FUCK UP TH3 T1M3L1N3??? EB: sure.
|PESTERLOG|
TG: im building up your house TG: by the way why do you live in this weird compound TG: do you host east european industrial raves TG: nevermind the point is TG: im out of grist TG: so if youre done whipping that ogre like a rented mule TG: maybe you could convert it into a grist windfall TT: Right now? TT: The spoils would sink. TG: i dont know beach the thing first i guess TG: unless you were planning on sailing that ogre down the mississippi with a runaway slave TT: And then what? TG: what do you mean TG: you kill it TG: release a shitload of grist TG: maybe take one of your needles and puncture the base of its skull TG: does it even have a skull TG: or a brain stem TG: can you find out TT: That sounds malicious. TG: what TG: but you just rigged the thing with an oedipal harness and rode its torso like a log flume ride down a magical rainbow TT: That was self defense. TT: Murdering a wounded behemoth in its sleep strikes me as unseemly. TG: this is bullshit its an unfeeling monster who gives a fuck TT: Maybe you could replicate a pillow I could use to smother it. TT: Make it a clean hit. TT: I would use one of mine but they've all mysteriously gone missing. TG: wow fuck ok TG: you can either kill it for the loot or wait a couple hours for gristtorrent to steal more of johns TG: but then again ill be pretty busy in a couple hours so make up your mind TT: Does John know we've been sapping his grist yet? TG: no but hes still got a ton so screw him TT: Hold on, someone's messaging me. TG: yeah me too
|PESTERLOG|
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --
GA: You Command The Seer GA: So You May Have Some Insight Into Her Disposition TG: who GA: The One Who Is A Little Snooty TG: oh yeah sure TG: i command her alright i am like the pimpmaster hustledaddy of all snippy bookshrews GA: Thats An Exotic Title GA: I Thought You Were The Knight TG: wrong what do you want GA: Have You Found Her Demeanor To Be Chilly GA: On A Basis Of Personal Interaction That Hypothetically Extends Beyond The Context Of A Short Lived And Lackluster Trolling Effort TG: what the hell GA: I Thought Your Familiarity With Her May Allow You To Furnish Me Insight GA: She And You Are Familiar Isnt That Right GA: She Perhaps Even Regards You With Uh GA: Endearment TG: you have no idea dude she is so in my grill TG: like a stray hotdog that rolled down there TG: and now its too much trouble to fish out with the tongs TG: so you just watch it like crack and turn black GA: Um Is This GA: A Common Sort Of Practice In Human Courtship GA: Watching Oblong Meat Products Tumble Into Places They Dont Belong TG: man wait TG: whats this about TG: you have a thing for her dont you TG: dont deny it bro its obvious GA: Am I Being Accused Of Falling Prey To The Human Dysfunction Of Amorous Inclination TG: hahahaha so terrible TG: what a transparent dodge TG: all hiding behind your alien shit TG: just admit it TG: you want me to help you win her over GA: I Just Would Like To Gather GA: Some Means Of Gauging Her Sincerity TG: ok well its easy TG: for everything she says take her to mean just the opposite TG: see not everybody always means literally what they say the way john and jade always do GA: Maddening GA: How Do Humans Forge Meaningful Relationships Using Such Communication Patterns GA: Perhaps It Is The Human Riddle That Is Truly The Ultimate Riddle TG: oh my flipping christ TG: ok if you want rose to dig you you got to leave that crap in the shitty scifi novels where it belongs GA: It Was Not A Sincere Remark GA: I Have Been Practicing GA: Your Human Sarcasm TG: oh ok TG: that was pretty good TG: maybe even too deadpan but its a start keep at it GA: Very Well GA: I Am Beginning To Feel As Though I Am The Only One Working On Our Friendship TG: hahaha yes youre on a roll GA: That Was Sincerity TG: oh TG: alright look TG: if you want to keep her attention you got to pull out all the stops TG: reverse psychology mind games all sorts of machiavellian bullshit TG: i mean unless youre really smooth and inherently likeable like me which youre not GA: Then GA: Keep Saying The Opposite Things TG: thats kind of the obtuse alien way of getting it but yeah TG: be like TG: an antagonism ninja TG: like her TG: i dont know you sort of remind me of her anyway so maybe thats a good thing TG: it could be a horrible thing though GA: It Sounds Like GA: You Are Advising Me To Troll Her Again GA: Which I Have Tried GA: It Proved To Be A Fruitless Endeavor TG: yeah i guess i am TG: i guess im saying be a less shitty troll GA: Okay GA: I Believe I Understand How To Proceed TG: good luck bro
|PESTERLOG|
-- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
AT: hIIII, sO, AT: yOU GET BOSSED AROUND BY THE KNIGHT, oK, gIVEN THAT, i HAVE A QUESTION, TT: Who? AT: oH, tHE ONE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE "cool", i THINK, AT: tHE SUN GLASSES GUY, TT: Why would someone wear sunglasses while using a computer? AT: iIII DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT A COMPUTER, bUT, AT: yES, hAAAAAH, AT: i THOUGHT THE SAME THING ABOUT HOW ASININE THAT IS, AT: sO, yOU KNOW THAT GUY, uMMM, TT: I know that anyone committed to such an affectation could only be striving to mask a severe insecurity complex, and likely harbors a crisis of self-image. TT: I've been known to lend my charitable attention to such people, but only "bossed around" by them insofar as the psychiatric professional has cause to humor the demented for analytical purposes. TT: Or maybe as a lab chimp commands the zookeeper's interest in its shit by forcing him to duck under its trajectory now and then. AT: oK, wOW, i DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THOSE THINGS, AT: bUT, uHH, i MEAN DAVE, TT: Oh, that guy. AT: yEAH, oK, gIVEN THAT, i HAVE A QUESTION, AT: aBOUT HIM, AT: i WANT TO KNOW ABOUT HIS EMOTIONAL VULNERABILITIES, AT: aND, uM, wHAT ARE THE TENDER SPOTS THAT ALL THOSE, uHHH, AT: dEVICES HE EMPLOYS TO CONCEAL THEM, uHH, lIKE ALL THE THINGS HE SAYS HE THINKS ARE FUNNY, TT: Tender spots? TT: Your word choices are evocative. TT: Is your design to couple with this gentleman? AT: wHOAAAAAAAA, nO, nO, wHOA, AT: oK, nO, tHAT JUST MADE ME FEEL UPSET TO THINK ABOUT, AT: i JUST WANT TO REALLY TRY TO BOTHER HIM, iT'S HARD, TT: If you're trying to get his goat, you should know he only stocks the animal in the first place for ironic purposes. AT: nO, i'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN HIS EARTH GOAT, bUT IF THAT WAS A FIGURE OF SPEECH THEN i GUESS THAT'S OK, TT: Then we're agreed; you are hellbent upon literally seizing his shrill, bearded livestock. TT: I'll assist you. AT: uHH, TT: If you really want to burn him, I recommend poetry. AT: wHAT, pOETRY, aS IN LIKE THOSE HUMAN WORD BUNCHES, TT: Yes. They are the most delicious bunches we have. TT: I suggest you serve these crisp bunches of honey and verbal annihilation to him as part of a complete breakfast. AT: oH, aND, wILL THIS BREAKFAST INJURE HIS SHRILL BARN BEAST, AT: i MEAN THIS FIGURATIVELY, jUST TO BE CLEAR, TT: A deft cluster-bombing of this sort will leave nothing wriggling from the razed earth. TT: Except sulfurous tresses while it cracks and turns black. AT: yOU MEAN, lIKE, tHE SURFACE OF AN OVERCOOKED PROTEIN OBJECT, TT: Yeah. TT: I suppose what I'm saying is this. TT: Drop some hard, peer-reviewed motherfuckin' science on his ass. TT: Some seriously government funded shit. TT: It will destroy him. AT: aAAAAHAHAHAH, yES, AT: tHIS IS THE IDEA THAT i LIKE, TT: Your obvious cunning with words should depants Strider with such vivid empyrean tempest, a nether-regional sonic boom is certain inevitability. TT: But even so. TT: Consider me at your disposal to help craft a comeuppance of such unqualified devastation, the angels will weep pearlstrings of little urban fellows cantillating an unbroken chorus of Oh Snaps. AT: pLEEEEASE, AT: i THINK i AM PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF MANUFACTURING THESE ALLEGED "dope" HUMAN RHYMES, AT: aND STARTING SOME SICK FIRES, AT: i DON'T NEED YOUR CHARITY, tHAT YOU SAID YOU LEND, AT: tO, uHHH, AT: eARTH MONKEYS WHO TOSS AROUND POOP, oR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, AT: yOU'RE PRETTY SNOOTY, AT: tHANKS FOR YOUR HELP, bUT I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP,
|PESTERLOG|
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
GA: Your Dark Spectacled Friend Has Advised Me On A More Effective Method For Trolling You GA: I Think His Contention Is That This Strategy Will Have The Opposite Of The Intended Effect And Precipitate A Sort Of Bond Between Us That Is Established In Mutual Antagonism GA: What Do You Think About This TT: I think you're shrewd to have recognized his ploy of sabotage, and you've earned my compliments. GA: Ah See It Is Working Already TT: What is? GA: Ive Listened To His Advice GA: And Have Resolved To Modify The Approach Slightly GA: I Know What I Have To Do GA: What We Have To Do Really TT: What's that? GA: Remember The First Time We Spoke TT: Yes, but you said it wasn't the first time you spoke to me. TT: We'll graciously omit my embarrassing skepticism however. GA: The First Time You Spoke To Me Was The Second Time I Spoke To You TT: This conversation doesn't sound like your first time either. GA: This Is Your Second Conversation With Me But Is My Seventh With You TT: And when exactly does your maiden encounter take place? GA: Thats Next Time TT: So to clarify. TT: If the matching of my first with your second is denoted by 1=2, then the sequence would be: TT: 1=2, 2=7, 3=1, 4=?, ... GA: Yes And The Rest Of The Sequence Is Simply GA: 4=3, 5=4, 6=5, 7=6 GA: Unless My Future Self Stowed Another Conversation In Between One Of Those Which Is Entirely Possible GA: But Urrgh I Dont Want To Think About That TT: Why is it that when the subject of temporal mechanics is broached your sparing troll intellects etcetera etcetera. GA: See That Is What I Mean Rose You Are Not As Dumb Of A Girl As I Was Initially Lead To Believe TT: You mean based on the first impression I am apparently about to make in our next conversation? GA: Yes TT: What could I possibly say that will leave such an imprint? GA: That Is Why I Have Contacted You Now GA: I Will Send You A Copy Our First Conversation Directly From My Chat Log
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] sent tentacleTherapist [TT] the file "ConversationWithAVeryStupidGirl.Txt" --
TT: I guess being forced to cooperate with a stable time loop is the only plausible explanation for my remarks. GA: Yes And Then I Found It Sort Of Curious That During My Next Conversation With You Your Various Mental Endowments And Wherewithals Were Not As They Seemed GA: I Suspected The Stratagem Might Be A Counter Trolling Measure But Then Was Not So Sure And Further Examination Grew Warrant TT: And what if my counter-counter measure is to choose not to transcribe this dialogue accurately in the future-first place? GA: But See I Have Edited The Copy Already In Ways That Will Remain Secret For Now But You Will Discover Once You Type It GA: So You Are Destined To Edit It No Matter What And What You Submit Will Be What I Once Read Regardless GA: ! TT: Unless I decide to copy it word-for-word! GA: Yes Unless I Lied About Editing It In The First Place GA: Either Way Through Knowledge Of What You Will Say I Have Precisely Engineered The Nature Of Your Transgression GA: !!! TT: So your trolling strategy now is to put idiotic words in my mouth through the machinery of temporal inevitability, and cause me to excruciate over how to subvert the transcription? GA: Yes TT: While being perfectly up front about it? GA: Yes I Suppose Its That Sarcasm All The Time Seems Laborious To Me TT: I'll admit, it's a more advanced tactic than I gave you credit for. GA: Yes And The Providence Of This Antagonism Ninja Vice Grip Pinching Your Larynx Has Already Begun To Supply My Purpose With Fruit GA: The Chilly Frost Shimmering On Our Tree Of Human Friendship Has Begun To Thaw TT: Mixed metaphor aside, usually ninjas don't announce what they're doing when they're doing it. TT: Like when stalking an emperor to assassinate him. TT: Or befriend him. TT: But that's fine. TT: I guess the only pointless question we haven't exhausted is, why? TT: Why the convoluted artifice? GA: Dave Raised Insight Into The Human Psychology Of Friendship Development GA: By Allotting You Your Side Of The Conversation I Have You At The Disadvantage In Your View And You Will Seek To Reclaim Higher Ground GA: In Successive Conversations GA: 4=3 And 5=4 And Such GA: Your Demeanor Will Be Terse If Not Saturated With Disdain And It Will Cause Me To Be Confused And Question Your Motivation GA: But Now I Know Your Motivation Because I Am Supplying It Here And Now GA: They Will Be Simple Acts Of Friendly Human Retaliation TT: So you're not only rigging the first impression I make on you, but orchestrating my revenge for the rigging as well? GA: Yes GA: It Seems Friendship For Some Humans Is A Basic Aggregation Of Shallow And Insincere Hostilities TT: That's an interesting take on it. TT: But now I know for sure Dave isn't behind this plan. TT: It's too complicated. GA: I Dont Understand GA: Who Better To Coordinate Such Events Than The Knight Of Time TT: You're awfully quick to his defense. TT: Are you sure you don't have a thing for him? TT: It's ok, bro. You can admit it. GA: I'm Hopping To 8=8 GA: Ideally You Will Have Long Since Discarded This Train Of Thought TT: Ok. TT: I'm going to talk to my dead cat.
|PESTERLOG|
-- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --
AT: oKAYYYY, mY BROMO SAPIEN, AT: r U READY, AT: tO GET STRAIGHT IN, FLAT DOWN, BROAD SIDE, SCHOOL FED UP THE BONE BULGE, AT: bY A DOPE SMACKED, TRINKED OUT, SMOTHER FUDGING, AT: tROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, TG: dont care AT: oK, lET ME, AT: oRGANIZE MY NOTES HERE, AT: oKAYYY, AT: (tURN ON SOME STRICT BEATS MAYBE, iT WILL HELP TO LISTEN TO THEM WHILE i DESTROY YOU,) AT: wHEN THE POLICE MAN BUSTS ME, aND POPS THE TRUNK, AT: hE'S ALL SUPRISED TO FIND I'M TOTING SICK BILLY, AT: wHOSE, AT: gOAT IS THAT, hE ASKS, wHILE HE STOPS TO THUNK AT: aBOUT IT, aND i'S JUST SAY IT'S DAVE'S, yOU SILLY AT: gOOSE, AT: bUT THE MAN SAYS, gOOSE! wHERE, lET ME SEE YOUR HANDS, AT: aND i SAY SHIT SORRY, i DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HONKTRABAND, AT: wOW, oK, AT: i AM GETTING OFF THE POINT, wHICH WAS, AT: aBOUT THIS HOT MESS DAVE, tHAT YOU GOT LANDED IN, AT: lIKE THE COP i MENTIONED, bUT INSTEAD OF YOUR BADGE, AT: aND YOUR GUN, IT'S YOUR ASS THAT YOU HANDED IN, AT: (aND THEN GOT HANDED BACK TO YOU,) AT: cAUSE THAT'S HOW HUMANS GET SERVED, AT: aND GUYS LIKE YOU DESERVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT iT'S, AT: a CIRCLE AND HORNS IN YOUR BUTT THAT GOT BRANDED IN, AT: (uMM, bEFORE i GAVE YOUR ASS BACK TO YOU, i DID THAT, iS WHAT i MEAN,) AT: bUT i MEAN, gETTING BACK TO THE POINT, oR MAYBE TWO ACTUALLY, AT: tHE FIRST IS YOU SUCK, aND THE SECOND IS HOW i SMACKEDYOUFULLY, AT: (oH YEAH, tHAT RHYME WAS SO ILLLLLLLLL,) AT: bUT NO, jUST JOKING, lET'S SEE, hOW CAN i PUT THIS TACTFULLULLY, AT: i MEAN THE POINTS ON THE HORNS ON MY HEAD, AT: cOMING AT YOU THROUGH TRAFFIC, AT: aIMED AT THE TARGET ON YOUR SHIRT THAT IS RED, AT: wE'RE ABOUT TO GET MAD HORNOGRAPHIC, AT: (i MEAN SORT OF LIKE A GRAPHIC CRIME SCENE, nOT LIKE,) AT: (aNYTHING SEXUAL,) AT: (eRR, wHOAAAAA,) AT: (nEVERMIND,) AT: oK, gETTING BACK TO THE ACTUAL, tACTICAL, vERNACULAR SMACKCICLE, AT: i'M FORCING YOU TO BE LICKING, (aND lIKING,) AT: gRAB MY HORNS AND START KICKING, lIKE YOU'RE RIDING A VIKING, AT: cAUSE i'M YOUR BULLY, aND YOU'RE NOT IN CHARGE, AT: yOU THINK YOU'RE IN CHARGE BUT YOU'RE NOT IN CHARGE, AT: i'M IN CHARGE, cAUSE i'M CHARGING IN, AT: yOUR CHINASHOP, AT: bREAKING, uH, yOUR PLATES AND STUFF, WHICH i DON'T REALLY KNOW, AT: wHAT THE PLATES ARE SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT, bUT, AT: (fUCK,) AT: iT'S JUST THAT YOU THINK YOU ARE THE COCK OF THE WALK'S HOT SHIT AT: bUT WHEN IN FACT YOU ARE NOT, mORE LIKE YOU ARE, AT: sOMETHING THAT RHYMES WITH THE COCK OF THE WALK'S HOT SHIT, AT: bUT IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN THE COCK'S SHIT, AT: sO, gIVEN THAT, lET ME BE THE FIRST, AT: tO SAY YOU ACT LIKE YOU'RE GOLD FROM PROSPIT, AT: wHEN YOU'RE REALLY COLD SHIT FLUSHED FROM DERSE,
|PESTERLOG|
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --
CG: JOHN WHAT THE WET BAG OF HUMAN HORSE SHIT TO THE FACE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING. CG: OH MY LORD. CG: NO WONDER YOU LOSERS ALL FUCK UP THIS GAME SO BAD. EB: what? EB: i am just acting out a scene from an awesome movie and having some fun, what's wrong with that? CG: WHAT KIND OF CRAPPY EARTH MOVIE IS THIS. CG: STUPID RABBIT ASSHOLE SCREWS THE POOCH? EB: no, it's about these criminals on a runaway plane, and they've got to be stopped by nick cage and john cusack together as a team. CG: OH. CG: OK, THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD I GUESS. EB: it is sweet, so sweet, you would probably like it. CG: I'VE HEARD OF JOHN CUSACK I THINK. CG: WASN'T HE IN SERENDIPITY? CG: THAT WAS PRETTY GREAT FOR A HUMAN FLICK. EB: hahaha, oh man, that sucked so bad! CG: OK I DON'T SEE HOW WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE BECOMING FRIENDS IF YOU RECOIL FROM MY OLIVE BRANCH LIKE I'M WIGGLING A GNARLED TREE MONSTER'S DICK IN YOUR DIRECTION. EB: don't you have alien movies from your alien planet? CG: YEAH OF COURSE, WE HAVE TONS OF MOVIES AND THEY ARE INFINITELY SUPERIOR TO YOUR PRIMITIVE CINEMATIC NEANDERTHRASHINGS. EB: ok, so what is a really good one? CG: YOU'LL PROBABLY LAUGH IF I TELL YOU THE NAME OF ONE. EB: well, i already laughed when you said the name of one of ours, so who cares? CG: OK FINE. CG: ONE THAT IS AMAZING AND IS A CLASSIC IS... CG: WHEREIN NUMEROUS VIGILANTES CONFRONT PERIL; ONE OF THEM BETRAYS THE OTHERS; (BUT IT TURNS OUT TO BE PART OF THE PLAN ALL ALONG); CG: SEVERAL ATTRACTIVE FEMALE LEADS PROVOKE ROMANTIC TENSION; FOUR MAJOR CHARACTERS WEAR UNUSUAL HATS; ONE HOLDS PLOT-CRITICAL SECRET; CG: 47 ON-SCREEN EXPLOSIONS, ONE RESULTING IN DEMISE OF KEY-ADVERSARY; 6 to 20 LINES THAT COULD BE CONSTRUED AS HUMOROUS; EB: wait... EB: this is the title? CG: IT GOES ON. CG: THEY TEND TO BE MORE LITERAL AND INFORMATIVE THAN YOUR TITLES. EB: how do you even say them in casual conversation? CG: WELL WE DON'T OBVIOUSLY. CG: IT'S LIKE SOMEONE SAYS, HEY GUYS WHY DON'T WE GO SEE A MOVIE, AND THEN EVERYONE JUST ENDS UP THERE. CG: WATCHING IT. CG: NOT SAYING IT, THAT'S DUMB. CG: JOHN, TRY TO THINK OUTSIDE YOUR MINUSCULE CULTURAL BUBBLE FOR A CHANGE. EB: ok, i just think it's still cumbersome and completely illogical. CG: YEAH THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU START RUNNING OUT OF MOVIE TITLES AFTER RACKING UP THOUSANDS OF YEARS OF FILM HISTORY. CG: YOU KNOW I THINK YOUR CIVILIZATION JUST DIDN'T MATURE ENOUGH OR SOMETHING. CG: BEFORE LETTING THIS EARTH ARABIAN YOU CALL A GENIE OUT OF THE BOTTLE. CG: MUST EXPLAIN WHY IT SPROUTED SUCH A MISERABLE CROP OF PLAYERS. CG: INSTEAD OF BASICALLY GODS LIKE US. EB: well, i've got one of your godly players helping me now, so we can't be in such bad shape. CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. EB: GC gave me a map. EB: and showed me a shortcut. CG: WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING. CG: THIS ISN'T WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT DOING AT ALL. CG: HOLD ON LET ME ASK HER ABOUT THIS... EB: ok. CG: OK... CG: NOW SHES JUST OVER THERE GIGGLING AT ME LIKE AN IMBECILE. CG: WHAT ARE YOU TWO UP TO, WHY ARE YOU IN CAHOOTS NOW? EB: umm... CG: OW FUCK!!! CG: OK SHE JUST WALKED OVER AND PUNCHED ME. CG: AND SAID IT WAS FROM YOU. EB: uh, sorry i guess? CG: I TOLD HER TO STOP THESE SHENANIGANS... CG: BUT IT SEEMS LIKE WHATEVER SHE WAS DOING WITH YOU SHE ALREADY DID A WHILE AGO. CG: FROM MY PERSPECTIVE AT LEAST. EB: i don't know why you guys are doing this to yourselves. EB: all this time jackassery, it's giving me a headache. CG: OK IF YOU TALK TO HER AGAIN WHEN SHE TRIES HATCHING MORE PLANS GIVE HER A MESSAGE INTO THE PAST FOR ME. EB: ok. CG: TELL HER TO POLISH MY HEAVING BONE BULGE AND SET A TABLE FOR FUCKING TWO ON IT. CG: ITS FOR OUR CANDLE LIGHT HATE DATE. EB: i like how you guys have basically resorted to trolling each other, through us. CG: FUCK YOU. EB: oh, did you talk to jade yet? CG: JADE, WHAT WHY WOULD I WANT TO TALK TO HER? EB: ummm, that's what you said you wanted to do last time you talked to me, i dunno. CG: OH DAMMIT. CG: ARE YOU SURE? EB: yeah, you told me dude. EB: want me to paste the conversation? CG: NO NO, GOD NO, I HATE IT WHEN WE START GOING DOWN THAT ROAD. CG: OK THIS IS GOING TO REQUIRE FURTHER INVESTIGATION. CG: I'VE GOT TO GO. EB: ok. EB: but next time you talk to me, you might want to tell me to calm down first so i don't just block you. EB: back then i won't really want to hear from you. CG: OK, I'LL DO THAT. EB: later.
|PESTERLOG|
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --
GC: H3H3H3H3H3 GC: JOHN STOP HUGG1NG THOS3 S4L4M4ND3RS 4ND B31NG SO STUPIDLY 4DOR4BLE GC: W3 4R3 ON 4 STR1CT CH3AT1NG T1M3T4BL3 H3R3 GC: W41T WHO 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG TO NOW GC: 1S 1T ON3 OF US GC: 1S 1T M3??? EB: it was carcino. GC: H4H4H4H4H4 GC: 1 B3T H3 1S CONFUS3D 4ND GRUMPY EB: yeah, sorta. EB: he has no idea what you're doing. GC: 1 H34R H1M OV3R TH3R3 B4NG1NG ON THOS3 K3YS GC: 1 TH1NK TH1S WHOL3 TH1NG 1S JUST 4 W4Y TO V3NT SOM3 FRUSTR4T1ON GC: H3 H4S NO PURPOS3 Y3T GC: NOT L1K3 YOU 4ND M3 JOHN >:D EB: oh, he said to give you a message... GC: OH >:? EB: he wants you to touch his bone lump or something. GC: WH4T!!! EB: and that he's pretty much basically in love with you. GC: W41T GC: D1D H3 4CTU4LLY S4Y TH4T GC: 1N CONF1D3NC3 EB: yeah, i dunno, pretty much. GC: C4N YOU COPY 3X4CTLY WH4T H3 S41D EB: ohhh no, we're not going down that road! EB: besides, it was a private conversation among private gentlemen colleagues. EB: oh, also you're going to punch him. GC: 1 4M GC: WH3N EB: i guess in your future. EB: but in your pretty soon future i think. EB: it's when he says stuff to you and then you laugh at him. GC: BUT 1M 4LW4YS L4UGH1NG 4T H1M GC: HOW W1LL 1 KNOW????? EB: also he says you said it's from me. GC: FROM YOU GC: DO YOU W4NT M3 TO PUNCH H1M JOHN EB: pffff, i don't care! EB: i'm just the timey-wimey messenger here. GC: 1M SUR3 M4NY H1GHLY JUST1F1ABL3 4ND W3LL D3S3RV3D PUNCH3S W1LL B3 THROWN 1N DU3 T1M3 GC: BUT L3TS ST1CK TO TH3 G4M3PL4N FOR NOW GC: JOHN T4K3 4 LOOK 4T WH3R3 TH3 SHORTCUT TOOK YOU GC: TURN 4ROUND >:]
|PESTERLOG|
EB: oh, wow. EB: what's that? GC: 1TS YOUR D3N1Z3NS P4L4C3 EB: my denizen? GC: 3V3RY PL4N3T H4S 4 D3N1Z3N GC: TH4T L1V3S D33P UND3RGROUND GC: SL33P1NG GC: 4ND GU4RD1NG 4 HUG3 GR1ST HO4RD EB: ok... GC: TH3 W4Y DOWN TO 1TS L41R 1S THROUGH TH3 P4L4C3 EB: so you want me to go down there and kill him? EB: won't that be, uh, kinda hard? GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4 GC: ORD1N4R1LY YOUD H4V3 4BSOLUT3LY NO CH4NC3 GC: 4T YOUR M34G3R L3V3L GC: BUT YOU H4V3 4N 4DV4NT4G3 EB: oh? GC: USU4LLY HOW 1TS SUPPOS3D TO GO 1S GC: OV3R TH3 COURS3 OF YOUR QU3ST GC: YOU W1LL W4K3 TH3 D3N1Z3N GC: 4ND TH3N F1N4LLY YOU GO THROUGH TH3 S3V3NTH G4T3 GC: WH1CH 1S TH3 ONLY W4Y 1NTO TH3 P4L4C3 GC: TH3N YOU GO DOWN 4ND F1GHT TH3 D3N1Z3N GC: 4ND K1LL 1T GC: R3L3AS1NG TH3 HO4RD EB: so what's my advantage? GC: YOU WONT BOTH3R W4K1NG 1T GC: W3 W1LL SK1P R1GHT TO TH3 S3V3NTH G4T3 GC: F1ND 1TS L41R GC: 4ND K1LL 1T 1N 1TS SL33P EB: um, ok. EB: what's the point of releasing the grist hoard? EB: is it just so i can make tons more sweet loot? GC: H3H3 NO W4Y GC: TH3 HO4RD CONT41NS SO MUCH MOR3 GR1ST TH4N YOU COULD 3V3R US3 1N 4N 4LCH3M1T3R GC: 1 M34N YOU COULD 1 GU3SS GC: BUT TH4TS NOT TH3 PO1NT GC: 1TS FOR TH3 ULT1M4T3 4LCH3MY EB: what's the ultimate alchemy? GC: 1TS NOTH1NG FOR YOU TO WORRY 4BOUT NOW GC: S33 TH4T G4T3 OV3R BY TH3 BROK3N BR1DG3 GC: GO CH3CK 1T OUT EB: alright.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: so this is the seventh gate? EB: that'll take me into the palace and down to the sleeping denizen? GC: NOP3 >:] GC: TH1S 1S JUST 4 S1MPL3 R3TURN NOD3 GC: TH3R3 4R3 LOTS OF TH3S3 4ROUND GC: JUST HOP 1N GC: DONT WORRY 1LL G3T YOU TO TH3 G4T3 SOON 4FT3R TH4T
|SPRITELOG|
ROSE: Is that all you have to say? JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr purr. ROSE: I thought you were supposed to be more helpful after your resurrection. ROSE: Like a ghostly spirit guide. Wise, if frustratingly cryptic. JASPERSPRITE: Purrrrrrrrrr. ROSE: Actually, cryptic behavior would be welcome at this point. ROSE: This is just inane. JASPERSPRITE: :3 ROSE: Should I report to the others that my Kernelsprite is a Lolcat? ROSE: Maybe Dave can take some screen captures and overlay some poorly spelled captions. ROSE: Assuming he hasn't already. JASPERSPRITE: Meow. ROSE: What are you doing there, by the way? JASPERSPRITE: Im fishing! ROSE: Oh. So you can talk. JASPERSPRITE: But sadly there are no fish i think. JASPERSPRITE: They were all eaten by the Denizen! ROSE: Who? JASPERSPRITE: It ate everything in the ocean and got so full that it took a long nap. JASPERSPRITE: No there is surely not a single living thing left! JASPERSPRITE: Which is too bad because im pretty hungry. ROSE: I think there might be some tuna in the cabinets. JASPERSPRITE: Oh good idea i will look there! JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr. ROSE: Jaspers, the message you gave me years ago before you disappeared... ROSE: What did you mean? JASPERSPRITE: Meow. ROSE: Sigh... JASPERSPRITE: :3 ROSE: I don't understand. ROSE: Is there some meaning to these responses, or are you just being obstinate? JASPERSPRITE: You will understand when you wake up! ROSE: Am I asleep? JASPERSPRITE: Yes! JASPERSPRITE: Rose im just a cat and i dont know much but i know that youre important and also you are what some people around here call the Seer of Light. JASPERSPRITE: And you dont know what that means but you will see its all tied together! JASPERSPRITE: All the life in the ocean and all the shiny rain and the songs in your head and the letters they make. JASPERSPRITE: A beam of light i think is like a drop of rain or a long piece of yarn that dances around when you play with it and make it look enticing! JASPERSPRITE: And the way that it shakes is the same as what makes notes in a song! JASPERSPRITE: And a song i think can be written down as letters. JASPERSPRITE: So if you play the right song and it makes all the right letters then those letters could be all the letters that make life possible. JASPERSPRITE: So all you have to do is wake up and learn to play the rain! JASPERSPRITE: Does that make sense rose sorry i disappeared for so long. ROSE: Sort of. ROSE: It sounds like you aren't exactly in complete command of this information yourself, so I won't press you on it for now. ROSE: You're a pretty good cat, Jaspers. I missed you. JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr purrrrrrrr.
|PESTERLOG|
TT: I spoke with Jaspers. TT: I didn't understand what he told me. TT: He said I'll understand once I "wake up". TT: For some reason this made me think of you. GG: hehehe...... GG: yeah i bet hes right! TT: We wouldn't happen to be talking about awakening in a sort of breezy, philosophical sense, would we? TT: Is my dead cat concerned with my enlightenment? Should I prepare to shed this coil of ignorance and suffering? GG: wow no i dont think so... GG: hes being a bit more literal than that! GG: what did he say? TT: I doubt I could reproduce the statements with fidelity. TT: It was like listening to a five year-old describe a dream. TT: The content manages to take a back seat to the simple heartwarming spectacle of the moment. GG: :) GG: well what he meant was..... GG: that you have a dream self GG: who is supposed to wake up whenever your real self goes to sleep GG: we all do! all four of us i mean GG: but see your dream self still stays asleep when you go to sleep GG: because you havent woken up yet! TT: I think I get it. TT: I take it your "dream self" is wide awake when you sleep? GG: yes TT: And would I be out of line in additionally presuming this has been the case for many years, at least as long as I've known you? GG: no you would not be out of line! GG: in fact im asleep now TT: That was to be my next wild presumption. GG: :p TT: So when I wake up, can I look forward to being able to message people in my sleep too? GG: no only i can do that! GG: because of my robot TT: Oh, right. TT: I forgot about your robot. TT: My short term recall seems to eschew the profoundly ridiculous. GG: you guys can probably make your own i guess...... GG: but you need to wake up first for it to matter and maybe by the time that happens you might not even need them!!! TT: I'm not sure if necessity is a concept I'd associate with such a contraption even under some of the more obscure scenarios imaginable. TT: But good to know I guess. TT: Here's another question, which I'm sure will look stupid once I've finished typing it. TT: If my dream self is asleep, does that mean she's dreaming, and if she is, who's dreaming the dream, her or me? GG: um....... GG: ok well i dont really know how to answer the second part but yeah shes dreaming! GG: shes most likely lying in your bed troubled and restless GG: about things burdening her GG: which is to say you!!!!! GG: things about who you really are and what your purpose is GG: but you cant start figuring those things out yet because youre not awake because youre not ready yet GG: thats why you have such terrible dreams all the time rose! TT: Ok. How do I wake up? GG: im sure it would help to start piecing together the clues to nudge your subconscious GG: or maybe face some things you havent faced yet? GG: i dunno! its for you to find out GG: maybe the stuff you wrote on your walls can give you a clue? TT: What stuff? GG: the.... GG: er GG: didnt dave tell you? TT: Tell me what? GG: ._. TT: Are you saying he said I defaced the walls of my room? TT: While not appearing to be cognizant of the scrawlings? TT: Like John? TT: I really hope that's not what you're saying. TT: It might freak me out. GG: he said he was going to tell you <_<; TT: Hold on.
|PESTERLOG|
TT: Strider. TT: I need you to do me a favor. TT: Can you take a capture of my bedroom and send me the file? TT: For no reason in particular?
|PESTERLOG|
TT: He's not answering. GG: yeah hes pretty tied up right now! TT: Can you hassle him via Sburb and tell him to talk to me? TT: Bop him on the head with a puppet or something? GG: noooooooooooooooooooo
|PESTERLOG|
GG: he made me promise not to bug him while im asleep! TT: Can you do it anyway? GG: but he will find a way to be clever and make me punch myself in the face again :( TT: Did he tell you what I wrote on the walls? TT: Wait. TT: What?
|PESTERLOG|
GC: JOHN S33 TH4T B1G P13C3 OF JUNK TH3R3 EB: the rocket pack? GC: Y34H C4PTCH4LOGU3 TH4T 4ND S3ND M3 TH3 COD3 GC: 1 GOT TH3 COD3S FOR 4LL TH3 OTH3R 34RTH CR4P STUCK 1NS1D3 1T FROM YOUR FR13NDS GC: FROM D1FF3R3NT T1M3S GC: WH3N TH3Y W3R3 F33L1NG COOP3R4T1V3 GC: 1 C4N M4K3 1T WORK FOR YOU >:] EB: ok... EB: but you can't just "subtract" object codes from other codes! EB: it's like, mathematically, um... EB: ambiguous. EB: like just reverse AND/OR'ing the flower pot alone could make hundreds of possibilities. EB: subtracting all three could be millions! GC: Y34H W3LL 1M NOT S4Y1NG 1M 4NYWH3R3 N34R 4S HUG3 OF 4 DORK 4S YOU GC: OR TH4T 1 UND3RST4ND 4NY OF TH4T GC: COMPUT3R COD3S T4ST3 TO M3 L1K3 GC: LOTS OF T1NY N33DL3S 4ND B4TT3R13S EB: wow, what? GC: 1M G1V1NG 4LL TH3S3 COD3S TO OUR H4CK3R GUY EB: oh man, you have a hacker?? EB: i bet he is THE BEST!!!! EB: hackers are always the best. GC: H4H4H4H4H4 GC: W3LL H3 SUR3 TH1NKS H3 1S EB: who is it? EB: have i talked to him? GC: NO H3 S4YS H3 DO3SNT W4NT TO T4LK TO 4NY OF YOU 3V3R GC: B3C4US3 H3 H4T3S YOU GC: BUT H3 W1LL DO TH1S GC: B3C4US3 H3 WONT B3 4BL3 TO R3S1ST TH3 CH4LL3NG3 EB: uh, ok. EB: brb then.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: ok here... EB: dskjhsdk GC: TH4NKS GC: W41T GC: THOS3 K1ND4 S33M L1K3 R4NDOM K3Y M4SH1NGS GC: 4R3 YOU M3SS1NG W1TH M3 JOHN >:? EB: um, no. EB: they sort of are random. EB: but it's the right code, i promise! GC: OH GC: OK B3 B4CK IN L3SS TH4N ON3 S3COND GC: PCHOOOOO
|PESTERLOG|
EB: hello? GC: WH4T EB: it thought you said you'd be back in less than a second? GC: 1 W4S GC: 1 G4V3 YOU TH3 COD3 GC: 1TS PCHOOOOO GC: 1T TOOK 4 WH1L3 FOR H1M TO F1GUR3 OUT GC: BUT 1 G4V3 IT TO YOU 1NST4NTLY FROM YOUR P3RSP3CT1V3 GC: WHY WOULD 1 M4K3 YOU W41T??? GC: TH4T WOULD B3 SO 1NCONS1D3R4T3 >:[ EB: oh... EB: i just thought that was just you going off to get the code... EB: and making like this rockety noise or something, i dunno. EB: because you're kind of goofy. GC: W3LL YOUR3 K1ND OF GC: W3LCOM3 GC: YOU UNGR4T3FUL 34RTH HORS3S NO1SY BUTTHOL3!!! EB: oh gosh, i'm sooooo sorry! EB: this is just a stupid code, i'm sorry. EB: are you sure it's right, it seems kind of... EB: obvious. GC: H3 W4S CONV1NC3D TH1S 1S TH3 R1GHT COD3 4ND H4D SOM3 UNFL4TT3R1NG TH1NGS TO S4Y 4BOUT TH3 1NT3LLIG3NC3 OF YOUR SP3C13S FOR NOT B31NG 4BL3 TO FIGUR3 1T OUT GC: WH1CH 1 W1LL K33P TO MYS3LF B3C4US3 UNL1K3 YOU 1 4CTU4LLY H4V3 SOM3 FUCK1NG M4NN3RS EB: bluuuh, oh man, i got so served, bluuuuuuuuuh! GC: 1 4M UNF4Z3D BY YOUR HUM4N BLUHS GC: 4NYW4Y 1F 1T W4S SO OBV1OUS WHY D1DNT YOU GU3SS TH3 COD3????? EB: well you see, the explanation is perfectly simple and scientific. EB: it was because shut up. EB: shut up is why. GC: >:D EB: i guess i'll make this rocket now. EB: and see if this dumbass code actually does the trick. GC: OK JOHN GC: ONC3 YOU M4K3 1T 1M SUR3 3V3N YOU 4ND YOUR UND3RD3V3LOP3D BON3 NOOK W1LL B3 4BL3 TO F1GUR3 OUT WH4T TO DO GC: T4LK TO YOU ON TH3 OTH3R S1D3 >:]
|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
TG: ok im in EB: in where? TG: the medium EB: oh, already? TG: what do you mean already shit took 4 goddamn hours EB: huh, i guess time flew by while i was doing other stuff. EB: how did it go? EB: with you and jade i guess? TG: i dont want to talk about it TG: imagine the worst day of my life TG: just stood up and clinked a glass like it was about to give a speech TG: then took a shit in my dinner and passed out with its pants down EB: ew dog! ewwww! TG: yeah EB: so nasty! gross dude!!! TG: stfu TG: what are you doing EB: i'm in a rocket pack and i am about to blast off into space. TG: ok EB: it should be sweet. TG: i need some advice TG: my kernelsprite which was this brainless feathery asshole with a sword in it TG: turned into this bigger like ghostly feathery asshole TG: with a sword in it TG: it seems to want me to prototype it again TG: not sure what to do EB: hmm... EB: have you asked rose? TG: shes asleep for some reason EB: wow, really? TG: yeah i saw her there TG: all tuckered out TG: like she got smacked in the face with a pillow case full of the snooze wizards beard dander TG: cause obviously its fuckin prime time for swiping some shuteye about now TG: like a few hours into her magic stupid quest TG: anyway what do you think EB: i don't really know, i mean... EB: it's supposed to be like your ghostly spirit guide or something. EB: unless you have the remains of a wise old dead grandparent lying around, i'm not sure what to tell you! TG: ok fine but TG: it seems to be suggesting something here TG: and TG: i guess im kinda weirded out by its suggestion EB: i don't know, just do what it says! EB: it knows stuff about the game, so it probably knows better than i do... EB: i gotta go! EB: gonna blast off to the seventh gate. EB: and, uh, win this game i guess. TG: ok well it definitely sounds like youre fucking something up over there TG: but alright later EB: later.
|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --
TG: thats it i cant take it anymore TG: it was such a huge mistake prototyping seppucrow with this useless mindnumbing jackass TG: im going back TT: Already? TG: what do you mean already shit took 4 goddamn months TG: or something TG: i dont know im kind of losing track of how long its been with all this time hopping TT: It just sounds like you're making a rash decision based on temporary aggravation with a laughing puppet. TT: I thought we planned to progress as far as we could before you went back. TT: To gather information, and avoid repeating mistakes. TG: what else is there to know TG: we lost TG: cant finish the game with a dead heir and witch TT: We don't know Jade is dead for sure. TG: yeah well she had a big fucking meteor bearing down on her and we never heard from her again TG: or the trolls for that matter TG: after they tricked john into skipping way ahead and getting his ass handed to him by the denizen TG: i guess once they managed to sabotage us they were done with us TG: and since john died he couldnt get jade in on time so whether shes alive or not shes as good as dead from our perspective TG: only thing left to do is change all that TT: Are you sure you're ready? TT: You'll remember the plan we discussed? TG: theres not much to remember TG: i go back and tell john not to be an idiot and get trolled like such a gullible stooge TG: i dont know what he was thinking TG: even we couldnt kill one of those things yet TG: with our higher levels and all our sick gear TT: It still seems hasty to me. TT: Maybe I'm just not as comfortable with time travel as you. TG: nah itll be fine dont worry TT: After you go, what do you think will happen to me? TT: Will I just cease to exist? TG: i dont know TG: i mean your whole timeline will TG: maybe TT: Maybe? TT: Is there a chance it'll continue to exist, and I'll just be here alone forever? TT: I'm not sure which outcome is more unsettling. TG: the thing with time travel is TG: you cant overthink it TG: just roll with it and see what happens TG: and above all try not to do anything retarded TT: What do you think I should do? TG: try going to sleep TG: our dream selves kind of operate outside the normal time continuum i think TG: so if part of you from this timelines going to persist thats probably the way to make it happen TT: Ok. TG: and hey you might even be able to help your past dream self wake up sooner without all that fuss you went through TT: I think the true purpose of this game is to see how many qualifiers we can get to precede the word "self" and still understand what we're talking about. TG: the true purpose is to make a sprite that doesnt make me want to flog myself raw with my own brain stem TG: anything else is gravy TT: If my past self can wake up sooner, maybe I'll be the one to visit you first this time. TT: I'll fly by and remind you you're already awake and don't know it. TG: yeah thatd be cool i guess TG: im gonna go now TT: Good luck.
|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
TG: ok im in EB: in where? TG: the medium EB: oh, already? TG: what do you mean already shit took 4 goddamn hours EB: huh, i guess time flew by while i was doing other stuff. EB: how did it go? EB: with you and jade i guess? TG: i dont want to talk about it TG: imagine the worst day of my life TG: just stood up and clinked a glass like it was about to give a speech TG: then took a shit in my dinner and passed out with its pants down EB: ew dog! ewwww! TG: yeah EB: so nasty! gross dude!!! TG: stfu TG: what are you doing EB: i'm in a rocket pack and i am about to blast off into space. TG: ok EB: it should be sweet. TG: i need some advice TG: my kernelsprite which was this brainless feathery asshole with a sword in it TG: turned into this bigger like ghostly feathery asshole TG: with a sword in it TG: it seems to want me to prototype it again TG: not sure what to do EB: hmm... EB: have you asked rose? TG: shes asleep for some reason EB: wow, really? TG: yeah i saw her there TG: all tuckered out TG: like she got smacked in the face with a pillow case full of the snooze wizards beard dander TG: cause obviously its fuckin prime time for swiping some shuteye about now TG: like a few hours into her magic stupid quest TG: anyway what do you think EB: i don't really know, i mean... EB: it's supposed to be like your ghostly spirit guide or something. EB: unless you have the remains of a wise old dead grandparent lying around, i'm not sure what to tell you! TG: ok fine but TG: it seems to be suggesting something here TG: and TG: i guess im kinda weirded out by its suggestion EB: i don't know, just do what it says! EB: it knows stuff about the game, so it probably knows better than i do... EB: i gotta go! EB: gonna blast off to the seventh gate. EB: and, uh, win this game i guess. TG: ok well it definitely sounds like youre fucking something up over there TG: but alright later EB: later.
|PESTERLOG|
TG: ok its me from the future EB: huh? TG: its me TG: i just appeared TG: from the future TG: wearing a rad suit TG: he says dont go TG: or youre gonna die EB: pfffff. EB: lame. EB: what kind of gullible stooge do you think i am?
|PESTERLOG|
TG: he says i dunno gullible enough to trust a leetspeaking troll who wants you dead and strap on a rocket pack cause she said to EB: this is like some terrible april fools prank. EB: but 13 days too late. EB: remember, you are talking to the pranking MASTER. TG: ok that was probably the dumbest thing you ever said just now EB: if future you is real, then why don't you let me talk to him. TG: do you hear what youre saying oh my god TG: this guy is me if i get him to talk to you youre just talking to me again jesus it proves nothing EB: hold on, someone else is bugging me.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
TG: john stop being a tool and unbuckle yourself from that piece of shit TG: if our friendship means anything youll listen to me and past dave TG: this is future dave by the way EB: hahaha! EB: wow, you're really pulling out all the stops for this stunt! EB: using your phone and computer at the same time to message me. EB: you're kind of going through a lot of trouble actually, i don't know why you're bothering with this. TG: yeah exactly why would i bother TG: this sort of cornball horseshit is your cup of tea not mine TG: dont make me track you down through time and stop you in person EB: you can't track down through time WHAT YOU CAN'T CATCH! EB: pchoooooo! TG: oh god did you just blast off EB: no... EB: but that would have been sweet if i did just then. TG: ok well just dont ok TG: im turning this timeline over to past dave TG: and helping you all stay alive and do this thing the right way this time TG: just stay on the goddamn ground for fucks sake EB: ok, i guess...
|PESTERLOG|
TT: Strider. TT: I need you to do me a favor. TT: Can you take a capture of my bedroom and send me the file? TT: For no reason in particular?
TT: He's not answering. GG: yeah hes pretty tied up right now! TT: Can you hassle him via Sburb and tell him to talk to me? TT: Bop him on the head with a puppet or something? GG: noooooooooooooooooooo GG: he made me promise not to bug him while im asleep! TT: Can you do it anyway? GG: but he will find a way to be clever and make me punch myself in the face again :( TT: Did he tell you what I wrote on the walls? TT: Wait. TT: What?
You bundle up your knittings into a cozy nest. You aren't all that tired though. It's hard to imagine falling asleep without the luxury of Harley's narcolepsy.
|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --
TG: dont talk to john anymore hes an impressionable doofus TG: your plan didnt work TG: i mean it did TG: but then suddenly it didnt TG: so you might as well quit trying GC: YOU SM3LL L1K3 OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S TG: what TG: youre aliens do you even have orange creamsicles GC: OF COURS3 WH4T K1ND OF 4WFUL C1V1L1Z4T1ON WOULDNT 1NV3NT OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S GC: NOT ON3 1D W4NT 4NYTH1NG TO DO W1TH TG: ok pretty far fetched but whatever TG: no more hijinks from you cause ill make sure they wont work GC: W3LL OBV1OUSLY 1 KN3W 1T W4SNT GO1NG TO WORK GC: MY FR13NDS H4V3 B33N T4LK1NG TO JOHN FROM TH3 FUTUR3 GC: YOUR FUTUR3 GC: WH3R3 H3S NOT D34D GC: SO TH3R3 W4S NO W4Y WH4T 1 D1D W4S GO1NG TO K1LL H1M GC: 1 JUST W4NT3D TO M3SS W1TH H1M 4ND STUFF TG: i dont think youre following TG: you DID kill him sort of TG: then i went back in time to stop him GC: Y34H 1 G3USS3D TH3R3 W4S 4 CH4NC3 SOM3TH1NG L1K3 TH4T M1GHT H4PP3N TG: alright but TG: did you guess that by trolling john to his grave TG: and making me splinter us off into an alt timeline TG: that you were basically complicit in making our timeline go the way it was supposed to go all along TG: where future me is now helping dave and we just keep playing TG: and our actions ultimately lead to the trouble youre all in now TG: thus leading you all to troll us incompetently GC: OH GC: NO >:[ GC: 1 D1DNT TH1NK OF TH4T TG: yeah TG: see TG: none of you ever thinks anything through TG: whos in charge of timeline management there TG: i gotta give him the business GC: SH3 DO3SNT W4NT TO T4LK TO 4NY OF YOU GC: 4ND H4S M1SG1V1NGS 4BOUT TH1S WHOL3 TH1NG GC: NOT 4LL OF US 4R3 TH4T 3NTHUS1AST1C 4BOUT TROLL1NG YOU GUYS GC: 4ND TH3 ON3S WHO 4R3 SORT OF SUCK 4T 1T >:| TG: well at least you got john to off himself so i guess youre not totally incompetent like the others TG: like that awful rapper GC: SO JOHN 4CTU4LLY D1D WH4T 1 S41D? TG: yeah TG: im telling you TG: huge pushover TG: he will do what you say TG: unless it happens to be for his own good TG: then all a sudden hes a tough nut to crack go figure GC: NOW 1 F33L K1ND4 B4D GC: 4R3 YOU SUR3 1 C4NT T4LK TO H1M GC: 3V3N 1F 1TS JUST TO 4POLOG1Z3 GC: WOULD TH4T B3 OK W1TH YOU S1R BR4V3 KN1GHT >:? TG: yeah thats fine i guess TG: no more coy bullshit antics though TG: not even like TG: an idiotic angry winking emote GC: OR WH4T GC: YOUR3 GO1NG TO HUNT M3 DOWN THROUGH T1M3 OOOOOH OH NO GC: >;] TG: yeah GC: YOU DO R34L1Z3 1M W4Y H1GH3R ON MY 3CH3L4DD3R TH4N YOU GC: 3V3N 1F YOU 4R3 FROM TH3 FUTUR3 GC: 4R3 YOU SUR3 YOU W4NT TO G3T YOUR CLOCK3D CL34N3D BY 4 BL1ND CH1CK TG: ok even if thats true TG: i just merged with an impaled orange goddamn bird and now i got all these crazy powers GC: UGH GC: S3LF PROTOTYP1NG SO DUMB GC: TH1S 1S WHY YOU 4LL SCR3W UP SO B4D GC: 4LW4YS B3ND1NG TH3 RUL3S L1K3 TH4T GC: OH W3LL C4NT STOP YOU NOW SO M1GHT 4S W3LL DROP 1T GC: H3Y D4V3 TG: what GC: 1V3 B33N R3S34RCH1NG SOM3 OF YOUR 34RTH SO4P OP3R4S GC: 1S TH1S YOU TG: oh jegus fuck no TG: why would that breathtaking douche remind you of me at all GC: BUT H3 H4S 4 F13RY P3RSON4LITY GC: SORT OF BR4SH 4ND 1MP3TUOUS GC: 4ND 1N YOUR F4C3 GC: L1K3 F1R3 1TS3LF >:D TG: now i know youre bullshitting me TG: do i seem like the kind of guy whod accept a magic ring from whoopi goldberg TG: to awaken some egregious homofantasy for a ripped blue dudes mammoth eco friendly bulge TG: that guys an asshole and needs to be sealed in a dufflebag and whipped something ungodly with a bamboo chute GC: WHOS WHOOP1 GOLDB3RG TG: who cares GC: OK 1 M4D3 SOM3 MOD1F1C4T1ONS GC: TH1S 1S SO YOU D4V3 COM3 ON 4DM1T 1T TG: ahahahahaha TG: ok yeah that is pretty much fucking spot on TG: youre actually a pretty good troll TG: as long as you dont bug john i guess thats all there is to say on the matter GC: TH4NKS D4V3 GC: TO B3 F41R GC: 1M SUR3 3V3RY ON3 OF US W1SH3S W3 THOUGHT OF FUTUR3 S3LF PROTOTYP1NG F1RST GC: SO GC: YOUR3 NOT R34LLY 4LL TH4T T3RR1BL3 >;]
|SPRITELOG|
DAVE: who were you talking to DAVESPRITE: just telling a troll to step off DAVE: ok cool DAVE: so now that youre a sprite DAVE: do you know everything about the game DAVESPRITE: well i knew a lot anyway DAVESPRITE: cause im from the future DAVESPRITE: but yeah i know more stuff now DAVESPRITE: like things meant specifically for sprites to clue players in on DAVESPRITE: but packaged in these like DAVESPRITE: i guess riddles DAVESPRITE: im supposed to be cagey about it DAVESPRITE: but i dont really feel like it DAVESPRITE: ask me anything go ahead ill give you a straight answer DAVE: alright DAVE: here goes DAVE: why are we so fucking awesome DAVESPRITE: thats the best fucking question anybody ever asked DAVE: yeah DAVE: so is everything cool with this john business DAVE: is he gonna be ok DAVESPRITE: thats up to him DAVESPRITE: if he decides to wise up and listen to us DAVESPRITE: if not then we just bail everyone out yet again DAVE: ok DAVESPRITE: all that gear you picked up should let you breeze through the first couple gates DAVESPRITE: even at a low level DAVESPRITE: later youll unlock the ability to bring your sprite down with you DAVESPRITE: and well take care of shit together DAVESPRITE: til then i guess just mess around and let jade build up or whatever DAVESPRITE: ill go kill some time DAVESPRITE: maybe draw some comics DAVE: like what DAVESPRITE: i dont know DAVESPRITE: whats the last one you did DAVE: i was in the middle of the nancho party arc DAVESPRITE: oh yeah DAVESPRITE: i gave up on that half way through DAVE: yeah that was sorta the plan DAVE: making a ten part story about nachos was always a bullshit idea DAVESPRITE: lets do some brainstorming later DAVESPRITE: blow everyones minds DAVE: yeah sure
It is a STUFFED BUNNY. Much like the one held hostage briefly by Malkovich's Cyrus "The Virus" while taunting hard-luck protagonist Cameron Poe. And strikingly similar to the one scooped up from the soot of a burning Vegas strip by Cage's Poe and offered to his daughter, a gesture symbolic of a tattered exterior surrounding a heart of gold. Poe wasn't much to look at. But he was a good man.
But no, it is not merely LIKE that bunny. According to this NOTE OF AUTHENTICITY, it is the VERY SAME BUNNY.
since its your bday i had to get you back for the sick memorabilia you got me so i got you this godawful thing and now i just know youre standing there flipping your shit over it so youre welcome.
its the actual gross bunny in the movie so that means nick cage actually grubbed it up with his clownish no talent fingers. i would suggest you put it somewhere and display it ironically but i know youre dead serious about this ridiculous shit so youll probably sleep with the damn thing and nibble its ear and stuff.
but the weird thing is thats whats cool about you. youre this naive guy like pinocchio tumbled ass backwards off the turnip truck and started liking ghostbusters. then the fairy godmother kissed your nose or some shit and you turned out to be not made of wood and also pretty cool to talk to. one day your gooberish ways are gonna land you in a jam and i know im going to have to get you off the hook but its cool i got your back bro.
then we'll meet and hug bump and get each others filthy wife beaters that much filthier so yeah
|PESTERLOG|
TG: did you blast off like a spazzy douche yet or what EB: yeah, of course! EB: there was no way i wasn't trying out this sweet ride. TG: god dammit what do i have to do to make you believe me TG: fist bump my future self til i got bloody knuckles and write you an even sappier bday note in my own blood TG: on a back to the future poster EB: relax, i'm not going through the gate! EB: i am just flying around, and having a good time in the sky. TG: oh ok TG: so you believe me then TG: about future me TG: and like TG: him turning into a floating sword bird EB: um... EB: ok, i don't know anything about that... EB: but it doesn't matter! EB: you're my best bro, and if you say not to go then i won't go. EB: hey, can you hold on? EB: i'm getting trolled again. TG: oh man and if weve just concluded anything its that talking to those dbags should be priority number one so yeah go right ahead EB: ok, brb.
|PESTERLOG|
CG: I KEEP SCROLLING BACKWARDS THROUGH YOUR ADVENTURE. CG: TRYING TO PIECE TOGETHER HOW YOU BOTCH THIS UP SO BADLY. CG: AND I KEEP FINDING THESE STRIKING POCKETS OF FOOLISHNESS. CG: LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING NOW. CG: RIDING YOUR LITTLE RED ROCKET. CG: LIKE YOU ARE A FRESHLY HATCHED HUMAN LARVA AND THIS IS JUST ALL A BIG SCHOOLHIVE RUMPUS RESPITE. EB: humans aren't hatched as larvae dummy. EB: we don't hatch at all. EB: we are born as these like little pink monkeys called babies. CG: BULLSHIT. CG: THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU JUST TOLD ME. EB: what did i say? CG: I'LL PASTE WHAT YOU SAID. EB: i thought you didn't like going down that road? EB: copy-pasting future/past conversations... CG: WHY WOULD I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT. EB: i dunno, that's what you just told me. CG: WHATEVER, LOOK: CG: EB: this is really weird... CG: CG: WHAT'S SO WEIRD ABOUT IT. CG: EB: well, normally humans hatch... CG: EB: from like these slimy pods. CG: EB: then we wriggle out as a little pink larva. CG: CG: OH REALLY. CG: CG: HUH, MAYBE WE HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN I THOUGHT. EB: hahaha! EB: i was punking you dude! EB: or at least i will be in our next conversation. EB: thanks for the great prank idea. CG: ARGH. CG: WHY WOULD YOU TRICK ME ABOUT THAT, WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT. EB: i don't know, it was just a friendly prank. EB: don't you ever play pranks? EB: i mean, of course you do, one of you just tried to prank me good. CG: WHAT, WHO. EB: pffffff, you'll find out. CG: WELL FINE. CG: I GUESS YOU GOT ME BACK, SORT OF. CG: FOR MY TROLLING, EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVEN'T EVEN READ MY WORST TROLLING EFFORTS YET. CG: BECAUSE THEY HAPPEN IN YOUR FUTURE. CG: AND EVEN THEN YOU DIDN'T EVEN MIND MUCH, ALMOST LIKE YOU WERE DELIGHTED TO HEAR IT. CG: KIND OF PERVERSE REALLY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? EB: well, we're friends by then, aren't we? EB: or sort of like, uh, reverse anti-mutual friends. CG: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. EB: look, you're going to have to face it at some point... EB: that you're learning the meaning of this human emotion called friendship. CG: IS FRIENDSHIP REALLY AN EMOTION? EB: yes, absolutely. CG: I GUESS IT'S HARD TO SEE HOW WE BECOME FRIENDS. CG: THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING. CG: EVERY TIME I GO FURTHER BACK INTO YOUR PAST AND TALK TO YOU, YOU SAY STUFF THAT PERTAINS TO MY IMMEDIATE FUTURE. CG: AND THEN YOU WON'T EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT'S GOING ON, BECAUSE IT'S ALREADY OLD NEWS FOR YOU. EB: dude, you've been doing the same exact thing!!! CG: I'VE DONE NO SUCH THING. CG: I'VE BEEN EXCEPTIONALLY INFORMATIVE AND HELPFUL. CG: IF JUSTIFIABLY ACRIMONIOUS. EB: you never answer my questions, though. EB: how am i supposed to know what's going on, or what you're alluding to? CG: THIS GAME IS KIND OF A GAME OF A MILLION GUIDES. CG: EVERYWHERE YOU TURN THERE'S ANOTHER WAY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON, SO PLEASE, GO SECRETE ME AN EARTH RIVER THROUGH YOUR STRANGE HUMAN TEAR DUCTS. CG: YOU'VE GOT SPRITES, EXILES, GUARDIANS, CONSORTS... CG: TIME HOPPING FUTURE SELVES, MYSTICAL DREAM ORACLE DOPPELGANGERS... CG: AND IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH, YOUR PARTICULAR GROUP OF PLAYERS IS LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE US TO GIVE YOU THE SCOOP ON STUFF. CG: THROUGH A SORT OF SUBVERSION OF THE WHOLE DAMN THING. CG: EVEN THOUGH WE HATE YOU. CG: AND EVEN THOUGH THE FACT THAT WE HATE YOU CG: IS AN IMMUTABLE FACT AS UNALTERABLE AS THIS WRITHING KNOTTED HELL OF A TIMELINE CHOKING US ALL TO DEATH CG: IT DOES NOT MEAN WE HAVE ANY REASON TO WITHHOLD ANY INFORMATION FROM YOU CG: OR DISH IT OUT THROUGH CRYPTOBAFFLING MIND FUDDLERY. CG: SO GO AHEAD, ASK ME ANYTHING. EB: ok... EB: what's the point of the game. CG: ASK SOMETHING ELSE. CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT. CG: IT WAS THIS WHOLE BIG CONVERSATION WE HAD. EB: augh! EB: fine. EB: where are you now? CG: IN THE MEDIUM. CG: A SEPARATE SESSION FROM YOURS. EB: no no, i know that! EB: you already told me. CG: I DID? EB: yes, in your future. CG: DAMMIT. EB: what i mean is... EB: are you in your house right now, or in one of your magical lands, or what? EB: just curious cause you can see me, but i can't see or know anything about you! CG: WE'RE HIDING IN THE VEIL. CG: WHAT'S LEFT OF IT. EB: what's that? CG: IT'S A HUGE BELT OF METEORS CG: ORBITING WAY OUTSIDE SKAIA, BEYOND THE ORBIT OF THE PLANETS CG: DIVIDING THE MEDIUM FROM THE FURTHEST RING CG: WHERE DERSE ORBITS. EB: derse? CG: THE DARK PLANET. CG: PROSPIT'S THE LIGHT ONE NEAR SKAIA. EB: well jeez, how am i supposed to know any of this?? CG: YOU'D PROBABLY FIND OUT SOONER OR LATER FROM YOUR DUMB GRANDMA. CG: BUT BY FUSING WITH THE SPRITE SHE HAS TO WITHHOLD STUFF AND BE MYSTERIOUS AND ALL. CG: TO MAKE YOUR ADVENTURE SEEM MORE "MAAAAAAGICAL!!!!" CG: IT'S INFURIATING. EB: ok, so the veil is a bunch of meteors... EB: what do you mean "what's left of it"? CG: OK, THERE COMES A TIME WHEN BLACK INEVITABLY BEATS WHITE CG: ON THE BATTLEFIELD IN THE CENTER OF SKAIA CG: THE WHITE KING IS CAPTURED OR KILLED OR SOMETHING CG: THAT'S WHEN THE RECKONING STARTS. EB: ok... CG: THE RULERS OF DERSE CG: THE BLACK KING AND QUEEN CG: GET THE POWER TO SEND THE VEIL TOWARD SKAIA CG: TO DESTROY IT CG: THAT KIND OF STARTS YOUR BIG "COUNTDOWN" CG: WHEN SHIT GETS SERIOUS. EB: so then it's up to us to save it? CG: YEAH, YOU HAVE THAT LONG TO KILL THE BLACK QUEEN AND KING CG: AND SKAIA ITSELF SORT OF BUYS YOU SOME TIME CG: BY ACTIVATING ITS DEFENSE PORTALS CG: TO CATCH SOME OF THE METEORS CG: THE THREAT GETS BIGGER THE LONGER YOU TAKE THOUGH CG: SMALLER METEORS COME FIRST AND THEY GET PROGRESSIVELY BIGGER AND BIGGER CG: AND THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH OF THEM SKAIA CAN ABSORB FOR YOU. EB: ok, but it sounds like we've got plenty of time before that happens, right? CG: THAT'S JUST IT. CG: YOU DON'T. CG: ORDINARILY YOU WOULD BUT CG: YOUR RECKONING STARTS MUCH SOONER CG: BECAUSE OF SOME DUMB THINGS YOU'VE DONE CG: YOU COMPLETELY BLEW IT ALREADY AND YOU HAVE NO CHANCE OF WINNING ANYMORE CG: WHICH ORDINARILY WOULD BE FINE CG: JUST ANOTHER BUNCH OF LOSERS TO FAIL AT THIS GAME CG: IT'S WHAT YOU DO LATER THAT CAUSES SO MUCH MORE TROUBLE THAN THAT CG: AND NOW WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT TOO. EB: oh no... EB: what is it? CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU. CG: IT'S INEVITABLE AND COMPLETELY POINTLESS TO TALK ABOUT ANYWAY. EB: yeah, well... EB: maybe you're wrong! EB: maybe there's something we can still do to stop it, if you just help us? CG: I'M NOT WRONG, IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF ME, YOU FUCK UP ROYALLY, END OF STORY. EB: ok, we'll see about that, mr. sourbulge. EB: hey, aren't you kind of uncomfortable sitting on a meteor? EB: are you all huddled in a crater or something? CG: NO, THERE'S ALL KINDS OF CRAZY SHIT IN THE VEIL. CG: A LOT OF THESE METEORS ARE KIND OF LIKE... CG: BIG SEEDS. EB: seeds? EB: um... EB: well, what kind of crazy shit is there? CG: STUFF LIKE... CG: BUILDINGS CG: FACILITIES CG: LIKE LABS AND STUFF. EB: weird. CG: YEAH, THE VEIL IS KIND OF LIKE NEUTRAL GROUND FOR THE KINGDOMS, LIKE OUR PLANETS. CG: SOME PLACES ARE USED TO GENETICALLY ENGINEER SOLDIERS AND AGENTS FOR THE TWO SIDES. CG: USING GENETIC MATERIAL FROM THE EXOTIC MENAGERIE OF CHESS PIECES ON THE BATTLEFIELD. CG: TO HELP FUEL THE WAR AND KEEP RAISING THE STAKES. EB: wow, i don't think i'm following this. CG: YEAH NO SHIT! CG: BUT YOU'LL FIND OUT WHEN YOU GET THERE CG: SINCE YOU WERE IN THE VEIL WHEN WE LAST TALKED. CG: ANYWAY THAT'S MORE THAN ENOUGH INFO FOR YOU TO THINK ABOUT AND BE LESS STUPID IN TIME FOR CONVERSATIONS WE'VE ALREADY HAD. CG: I'M OUT OF HERE. EB: ok, but wait... EB: can you give a message to GC for me? EB: tell her nice try. CG: WHAT CG: WHY WOULD I GIVE HER A MESSAGE FOR YOU CG: DO IT YOURSELF, I'M NOT A RELAY SERVICE. EB: oh, well i thought you'd be cool with it since you asked me to give her a message for you last time. EB: but whatever. CG: I FIND THAT HIGHLY IMPLAUSIBLE. CG: I'M NOT FALLING FOR ANY MORE OF YOUR HUMAN PRANKS. CG: "NICE TRY" JOHN CG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
In addition to allowing Rose to control John's environment, Sburb provided an array of devices Rose deployedthroughout John's house. These devices used together provided a system by which the players could manufacture any item using the code on the back of that item's captchalogue card, if they gathered enough grist to pay for it. Later, they would learn to combine item codes to master the art of punch card alchemy, whereby items could be fused together in purpose and design.
One device on being activated began a countdown, and released an entity called a kernelsprite. The countdown ticked down to the moment John's house would be struck by a meteor, destroying his neighborhood. To escape this demise, John had to use the devicesto manufacture a special item that looked like a blue apple, and take a bite of it, in order to transport his entire house just before impact to the safety of a mysterious dark realm, where his house would situate itself atop a tall rock column high above a blanket of clouds. This realm is called the Medium.
Before he entered the Medium though, John and Rose prototyped his kernelsprite with the large harlequin doll his dad got him for his birthday, transforming the sprite to bear its likeness, including the ways the doll was disfigured via earlier hijinks. It had a slashed eye and one arm, and so too did the sprite. When John entered the Medium, the sprite's kernel hatched, thus imbuing all the enemies John and his friends would face with properties of the sprite. The lesser adversaries John faced first, Shale Imps, all wore harlequin garbs. They became more powerful and more radically mutated with each successive pre-Medium prototyping.
After entering the Medium, John's dad was kidnapped by imps. While John was looking for him, he accidentally prototyped the sprite with his grandmother's ashes, transforming it again. This prototyping had no effect on the enemies, since he was already in the Medium, and the kernel had already hatched. Instead, only the sprite was affected, and it took on the appearance, personality, and memories of his grandmother, becoming Nannasprite, a game-supplied albeit customized guide for John. She explained aspects of the game, about Skaia residing at the center of the Medium, beyond seven gates floating directly above his house, and about an eternal/timeless war fought there between dark and light, one that light was always destined to lose.
From the house, Rose's mom opened a secret passage in the mausoleum to help her escape. The passage lead to the lab next door, where Rose found a stable, portable source of power and internet for her computer. She also found a terminal projecting the impact times and locations for the millions of meteors presently bombarding the planet, along with all the other live sessions of other players around the world. She also found a little girl's room,a mutant kitten she named Vodka Mutini, and a cloning machine operating through the science of ectobiology. Its terminal was locked on to her cat Jaspers at whatever point in his life the user specified.
She attempted to appearify Jaspers from a moment in her early childhood, before he whispered a secret to her. But doing so would have caused a paradox, so it appearified (paradoxified) a pile of slime instead. The machine used the slime to create a fetal paradox clone of Jaspers in a glass tube. On the monitor, Jaspers then told young Rose the secret, then vanished, only to show up dead weeks later and put in the mausoleum for years until the present. Rose left the laboratory moments before it was destroyed by a meteor impact. She transportalized back to her mom's room, proceeded to her room to wait for Dave to connect with her and rescue her from the next imminent impact.
Dave used the copies to connect with Rose, and quickly deployed the devices while her house was on fire, surrounded by flaming tornadoes, and minutes away from being destroyed by a meteor. Rose prototyped her kernelsprite with Jaspers, specifically to understand the meaning of the secret he whispered to her years ago. She was advised to do this by Jade, who told her about the game in the first place. Dave then prototyped the kernelsprite again with the tentacled princess doll given to Rose on her birthday by her mom. Both of these prototypings would have an effect on the enemies once Rose entered the Medium and the kernel hatched. Rose used the alchemiter to create the special item - for her, a purple wine bottle - which she needed to break to enter. She eventually did, transporting her house just before the meteor collided.
The meteor left a crater. Over time, at the site of impact, a large, white structure that looked like a wine bottle grew there, and the crater filled up with sand as the climate of the post-apocalyptic Earth gradually changed. The "cork" of that bottle was a large metal cylinder with an interior much like an advanced science station, with a variety of devices and monitors inside. 413 years after the meteor impact, the Wayward Vagabond walked through the desert and discovered this station. Inside, he found canned rations, a firefly he named Serenity, an appearifier, and four monitors hooked up to a keyboard.
He also activated a countdown in the station which caused it to blast out of the crater and fly to designated "home" coordinates. Along the way, it passed over the sand-filled crater that was the impact site for John's meteor, on the other side of the continent. John's meteor had caused a giant white tree to grow in the crater. The tree grew an apple-like station from a branch, which fell to the sand. The Peregrine Mendicant found this station. After WV flew overhead, PM activated her station's homing feature as well, which caused it to fly to the same destination. Along the way, she used her terminal to attempt to command Jade, who from the perspective of the terminal, had just arrived in the Medium. This caused the terminal to explode for unknown reasons, leaving a hole in the station. One of the station's robotic worms recovered one of PM's falling mailboxes, and she befriended it, after earlier slaying another one with her black regisword.
WV landed at the site of the ancient frog ruins across the now dried up Pacific Ocean. The site was once the island where Jade lived, but nothing of the island remained except for the ruins. The mountain her house was on, and the volcano next to it, were replaced by a large empty chasm. PM landed shortly after WV, and they met. They were confronted by the Aimless Renegade, who fired at them from the frog ruins with old weaponry he'd been hoarding, once belonging to Jade's grandpa. Millions of years ago, the frog ruins grew from a crater, struck by a meteor that emerged from a Sburb portal in space. Jade's radioactive, omnipotent, space-warping dog named Becquerel emerged from this crater as well.
She falls asleep frequently and spontaneously. When she sleeps, her dream self is awake, and living on the moon that orbits the light planet, Prospit. Prospit very closely orbits Skaia, a huge sphere of blue sky and clouds, which nanna describes as a "dormant crucible of unlimited creative potential." When Prospit's moon eclipses Skaia, it drifts into Skaia for a time, mingling with the clouds. Dream Jade then witnesses many past and future events in the clouds. While asleep, she is often confused about what is real and what isn't. When she wakes up, she pieces together future events from her memory of the cloud visions, and from logs recorded by her dreambot. Her dreambot is a robotic surrogate that activates while she sleeps in her bed. It mimics in the real world the movement and actions of her dream self on the moon, and records a video log of what she sees while dreaming.
Prospit's moon has two towers of identical design, and similar design to Jade's house. Dream Jade lives in one tower. Dream John lives in the other. Dream John is still asleep, and John has no knowledge of the dream world, which is to say, the entire game session he would initiate on his 13th birthday. When he goes to sleep, instead of waking up on the moon as Jade does, he remains slumbering in his dream room, tormented by his subconscious. This torment is expressed when he sleepwalks, and draws troubling scribbles on the walls of his room. When awake, he cannot see the scribbles, as is subconscious suppresses his awareness of them. It is not until he has a perception-altering revelation about his dad does he begin to see them. He initially believed they were new additions to his room, perhaps scrawled by imps. However they were present long before, visible in his room while he prepared Jade's birthday package months ago.
John prepared a package for each of his three friends, whose 13th birthdays were December 1st (Jade), 3rd (Dave), and 4th (Rose). He gave Rose a knitting set, and she then took an intense interest knitting. He gave Dave the pair of shades Ben Stiller wore in Starsky and Hutch, which he wore from then on, replacing the shades in the style his bro wore. He gave Jade a blue version of his own ghost shirt, and some pumpkin seeds to help her replace the pumpkins that kept disappearing from her garden. But she did not receive this on the birthday John intended. She received it in the past, on her birthday when she was very young, causing her to take an interest in gardening in the first place, to take a liking to blue apparel, and to eventually befriend John over the internet and lead him, Rose, and Dave down a path where they would ultimately play this game together.
Jade did retrieve his package in the present as planned, but immediately took it to another location where it disappeared. WV in the far future appearified it from that location on accident. The package contained further instructions for him. He was to bring it to PM, and she was to use her station's sendificator to send it to another place and time. After she did this, the package appeared in front of young Jade on her birthday. Jade orchestrated the sequence of events through knowledge of them by her cloud visions.
She orchestrated similar events for the package she sent to John, plotting the circuitous route through time and space it was meant to follow. She again utilized the exiles for help, while they were still in the Medium. The exiles, WV, PM, and AR, were all formerly agents of the kingdoms, before they were exiled by some means to post-apocalyptic Earth. AR, as an Authority Regulator in the Land of Wind and Shade, discovered the package and the beta copy in John's wrecked car as he gave it a parking ticket. PM, working as a Parcel Mistress, recognized the package from a correspondence she had with Jade on Prospit some time ago, and recalled it must be delivered to John. AR would not relinquish the package, though he did give her the beta, which she delivered into a pyxis to satisfy the carved request of a minitablet. John carved this tablet at the request of PM through the command terminal in the future.
AR brought the package to Derse, where it ultimately wound up on the desk of Jack Noir. Jack is the archagent of the dark kingdom, charged with overseeing affairs through his office's fenestrated wall portals, and processing paperwork. He is forced to wear a silly garment in keeping with prototyping themes by the Black Queen, an order he resentfully complies with. He oversaw the imprisonment of John's dad, who broke loose on multiple occasions. When Jack went to handle it personally, John's dad set Jack's hat on fire. In a surly act of gratitude, he released the prisoner. John's dad fled to the Land of Wind and Shade, fought large monsters, got his hat dirty and lost a shoe. He then carved tablet requests for new ones, which John filled via pyxis, unaware of who requested them.
PM followed AR to Derse in hopes of retrieving the package. After wandering around, she encountered the Black Queen on her throne. Both the light and dark kingdoms each have a king and a queen. The queens sit on a throne, on Prospit and Derse respectively, ruling the planet. The kings command armies on the Battlefield, located at the center of Skaia. The queen takes on the attributes supplied by the prototypings due to the four-orbed ring she wears. When the ring is removed, the queen is restored to normal. PM showed the BQ a parking ticket she was pretending to deliver. The BQ directed her to Jack's office, where the ticket should be filed.
PM met Jack and asked for the package. Jack proposed a deal, and gave her a black regisword. If she would kill the White Queen and White King and bring him their crowns, he would give her the package. She accepted with little alternative. She then visited the WQ on Prospit and explained the situation, with no intention of carrying out Jack's mission. The WQ, understanding the futility of their situation and the need to recover the package, abdicated, and gave PM her crown and her ring. PM was instructed to go find the White King, retrieve his crown, and receive further instruction on what to do with the ring to protect it. WQ would then eventually exile herself to post-apocalypse Earth.
On post-apocalypse Earth, after AR fired on WV and PM from the ruins, he spotted WV's pumpkin, which WV had earlier appearified from Jade's house. He recognized the carving of Bec's silhouette on the pumpkin. Fearful of it, he surrendered. The three exiles soon became friends over a campfire and shared rations. WV and AR built Exile Town out of cans, mailboxes, and bullets. PM operated WV's station terminal to submit commands to John as he explored the Land of Wind and Shade. In the sky, another station teleported and fell to the ground. It was shaped like an egg, and originated from Dave's meteor impact site, in correspondence with the egg-shaped item he would use to enter the medium. Emerging from this station was the Windswept Questant, formerly the White Queen.
AR and WV sought to impress WQ by crafting a crown for her out of a mailbox. She refused the distinction, instead giving it to PM, who had successfully completed her mission to deliver Jade's package to John in the distant past. The means by which she went about this have yet to be seen.
John entered the Land of Wind and Shade (LOWAS) by having Rose build up his house to the first gate, fighting through many imps and ogres with his powerful new alchemized weapons, and entering the gate. This took him to a location beneath the clouds, far below his house. The LOWAS turned out to be a large windyplanet, full of dark terrain, incandescent trees, networks of pipes, and oily rivers. In addition to hosting more powerfuladversaries, the land is occupied by friendlyconsorts, a race of salamanders. They help John understand the mythos of the land, and inform him of the planet's persecution by a sleeping denizen, which is responsible for clogging the pipes with oil, and trapping fireflies under the clouds.
Each planet has a sleeping denizen, which the players must first wake, and then kill, in the course of their journey through the seven gates. Rose's planet, the Land of Light and Rain (LOLAR) is a multicolored ocean planet with white sandy islands and pink ruins, and has a denizen responsible for killing all life in the water. Dave's planet, the Land of Heat and Clockwork (LOHAC) is a lava planet, covered in industrial steel frame structures and turning gears, and has a denizen of yet unknown qualities.
Killing the denizen releases a huge grist hoard buried at the core of the planet, which is then used to fuel a process known as The Ultimate Alchemy. Along the way, the kids are meant to learn about their destined roles in this quest as the Heir of Breath (John), Seer of Light (Rose), Knight of Time (Dave), and Witch of space (Jade). Over the course of their quest, the dark kingdom will inevitably defeat the light kingdom. The Black Queen and King will take control, and initiate The Reckoning. This affects a belt of meteors, called The Veil, which orbits far from Skaia, between the four planets and Derse, and is host to various lab facilities used by the kingdoms. The Reckoning causes the meteors to descend on Skaia, ultimately destroying it, unless the Black Queen and King can be defeated in time. Skaia however buys time by opening defense portals to catch many of the meteors, redirecting them elsewhere in space and time.
This is the generic template for the way the game is supposed to proceed. It can deviate from this model however, depending on the actions of the players, and the details of the game mythology presented is unique to each group of players and their session.
Long before John and his friends started playing the game, another group of players had been persistentlytrollingthem, particularly Jade. They are furious about an action she will take that will cause major problems in the four kids' game session, and inevitably lead to their defeat. Specifically, Jade will send a package to John, apparently containing a powerful weapon he will need later. But the package winds up in the hands of Jack Noir, leading to dire consequences. They allude to other things she will do that will lead to not only trouble for the four kids, but the troll players as well.
The trolls consist of 12 kids from an alien planet, who went through the same process as John and his friends, escaping from the annihilation of their planet via meteors, and into the Medium to play the game. Their game session is entirely separate from that of the four kids. It has the same basic template, with its own Skaia, Prospit, Derse, Veil, and a planet for each troll, but separate game instances of these. They also have different instances of the same character templates, such as the kings and queens, and agents like Jack Noir.
The trolls have completed their game session with yet unknown results. They now reside on a meteor in their Veil, sitting at terminals trolling John and co. From their terminals they can choose any point in the past or future of the kids to troll, and observe what they're doing at that moment. As a group, their only stated objective is to harass the kids, which they do so haphazardly throughout different points in the kids' timeline. Though they can choose any point on the kids' timeline to talk, they are mostly resigned to the understanding that no matter what they do, they can't change the outcome of the kids' actions.
The four most vociferous trolls so far have been carcinoGeneticist, gallowsCalibrator, grimAuxiliatrix, and adiosToreador. (The other 8 being apocalypseArisen, twinArmageddons, arsenicCatnip, arachnidsGrip, centaursTesticle, terminallyCapricious, caligulasAquarium, and cuttlefishCuller, each yet to be heard from.)
carcinoGeneticist (CG) appears to have spearheaded the group's trolling campaign. While he was in the thick of his game session, the exile commanding him from a terminal in the apocalyptic future was Spades Slick. This is one difference between his game session and John's, who had WV as an exile commanding him. In CG's session, his version of Jack Noir became exiled along the way, and took on the name Spades Slick. Three otheragents were exiled, and the four of them formed a gang called the Midnight Crew, and spent years building up a dark city in the future wasteland of the trolls' dead planet. Another difference in the trolls' session is that at some point along the way, the Black Queen was also exiled, later joined a rival gang called The Felt, assumed special powers that make her highly inadvisable to kill, and came to be known as Snowman. It was not until Slick confronted The Felt in their mansion that he discovered the station terminal to command CG, and not before Snowman blinded him in one eye, severed his arm, and locked him in a vault.
Each troll has a different trolling strategy, and a different rhythm by which they hop around the kids' timelines to chat with them. CG's strategy, for the most part, was to begin trolling them at the very end of their adventure, the moment at which he was most angry with their actions, and then gradually work backwards, mostly talking to John. This proves to be mutually frustrating though, as John knows less and less about the situation the further into the past CG goes. Similarly, the further into the future John progresses, the more he has the advantage over CG by knowledge of his future conversations with him, and vice versa. Over the course of the opposing directions of the two sides of the conversation, John learns more about the nature of the game and why they're being trolled, and in spite of hostility, they gradually befriend each other through an inevitability alluded to on both sides of the conversation.
Early in the correspondence between John and CG, which is to say late for CG, CG discovers he needs to get in touch with Jade, who refuses to talk to him in that time period. So he delivers a message to her much earlier, months in her past, telling her she needs to contact him when she's in trouble. She will know to do this when her dreambot explodes in the future, an outcome that has not yet happened.
Two other trolls, grimAuxiliatrix and adiosToreador (GA and AT) have targeted only Rose and Dave thus far. GA has hopped arbitrarily back and forward in Rose's timeline to talk to her, and is attempting to cultivate a friendship with her that now seems rigged through a series of conversational time loops, while seeking counsel from Dave on how to befriend her. AT sought counsel from Rose on how to troll Dave more effectively, after getting severely counter-trolled by him. He is under the impression he rebounded nicely though.
gallowsCalibrator (GC) has stayed mostly linear in her trolling patterns, and has done so under the guise of helping the kids on their quest. She convinces John to take a shortcut through his land, shows him the denizen's palace, leads him to warp back to his house, then shows him how to fix the faulty rocket pack he made earlier through an alchemy mishap. She tells him to use the rocket pack to fly up to the seventh gate, enter the denizen's palace, and kill it in its sleep. He complied with this, and flew through the seventh gate, in spite of reservations from Dave, who'd just entered the Medium the moment before John took off.
GC also assisted Rose, just after she bested an ogre with ease. She counseled her on understanding her role as the Seer of Light, and the meaning of the voice in her head as an exile issuing commands from a terminal. In her case, it was the exiled White Queen issuing commands from the egg shaped station in the future. Since Dave is Rose's server player, the terminal station from Dave's impact site issues commands to Rose. Just as the station at Rose's site, which WV found, issues commands to John, her client player.
After conversing with GA, Rose found Jaspersprite and interrogated him about the secret which she found so maddeningly mysterious years ago. He explained elements of the mythos of her land, and how she'd need to learn to play the rain to produce the musical analogue of a genetic code to reintroduce life into the ocean. In response to her question about his secret, he simply replied "Meow." She mistook this for more nonsense, but it was in fact the secret he told her years ago. The four letter sequence MEOW unlocked a genetic code in her subconscious, which she would spend years scrawling on her wall using those letters in place of the typically used GCAT letters, while completely oblivious to the scrawlings and their meaning just as John was. As Jaspers said, she would understand their meaning when her dream self wakes up.
Rose's dream self lives in a tower on the moon of Derse. Dave's dream self lives on the same moon in the other tower. It was suggested by Rose's future self, who is fully awake in the tower, that Dave had already been awake in his tower all along without realizing it. This was suggested in a conversation she had in the future with Dave. It was an alternative future timeline not meant to be.
This future timeline came about by this series of events.
Dave was able to enter the Medium by connecting with Jade as his server player. Jade got copies of the game from the frog ruins, after she delivered John's package to her past self. She snuck into the ruins while Bec was asleep, and retrieved the game from a lotus time capsule which had been ticking down for millions of years. The game was Dave's copy from the future, the same one that fell out the window with the impaled crow. Once she got the game, the time capsule started ticking down again, set to expire 413 years later, when the exiles are there. She dropped some items in the ruins, leaving them there for AR to find, and leaving her bass jammed in the elevator. Bec then found her there, took her back to her room, and grounded her there for the rest of the evening.
Dave then entered the Medium through a series of unseen events. Jade was asleep, thus forbidden by Dave from interacting with his environment at all. Jade complied for fear of retribution. Dave was faced with the Crowsprite, which appeared to be suggesting he prototype it again with the remains of Lil Cal. Dave consulted with John on this, who was about to rocket up to the seventh gate. John had no advice, and proceeded up through the gate against better judgment.
Dave prototyped the sprite with Cal. John entered the palace, presumably found the denizen, and was easily killed by it, as was the intent of GC's trick on him. This meant John could not establish a connection with Jade to rescue her from the looming meteor, and Dave and Rose lost contact with her, presuming her dead. Dave and Rose then spent the next four months in the Medium, advancing as far as they could to collect information before Dave decided to travel back in time to change events.
Dave used his time tables to go back to the moment he was about to prototype with Cal. Both he and his past self strongly urged John not to go through the gate. John was reluctant at first, but soon reconsidered, and flew down beneath the clouds. Future Dave then gave Present Dave all his advanced gear, and prototyped the Crowsprite with himself to make Davesprite, thus serving as his own guide from the future.
Before going back in time, Future Dave convinced Future Rose to go to sleep. He suggested her dream self would be unaltered by the timeline shift, and in her dream state she would remember the events from the future. When Dave went back, Rose's future dream self assumed the position of Rose's present dream self. Rose fell asleep, and on Derse's moon, she instantly woke up. She then saw all the genetic scrawlings she did in MEOW letters, and understood their meaning.
Meanwhile on Derse below, the Black Queen again insisted that Jack Noir abide by the dress code. He refused, and the queen threatened him. He picked up Jade's package to John, removed what was inside, and used it to slice her ring finger off. He then killed the Black Queen, put on the ring, and donned the full upgrade supplied by thethreeprototypings.
He then became Jackspers Noirlecrow, which is a name I just made up now.
I CONJURE THIS INTREPID FANTASYSCAPE WITH TEARS BLED FROM THE WISDOM-WEARY EYES OF FIFTY THOUSAND IMAGINARY MAGICIANS. I PULL HEAVY DRAGS FROM THE BRUMES OF INSPIRATION WITH ENCHANTED BELLOWS MARAUDED FROM A GUILD OF CHURLISH MYTHICAL DWARVES. VAST BULBOUS RIDDLESPIDERS PUSH THE SILKEN STRANDS OF PURE WHIMSY THROUGH HIDEOUS ABDOMINAL SPINNERETS AND IT IS THAT WITH WHICH I WEAVE THIS AUDACIOUS COCOON OF EXQUISITE LIES. AND WHEN IT HATCHES A GREAT MOTH OF TITILLATION WILL AWAKEN AND ROAR AND BEAT ITS WINGS, AND THE POWDER SETTLING DOWN WILL ARREST THE HUMORS OF AN ENORMOUS TERRIBLE OLD BEGGAR, RELAXING THE VULTUROUS LEATHERY VICEGRIP HE'S FIXED AROUND YOUR CAPTIVE MIND.
How about if I drag the content from one of the John files under the fourth wall layer, so we can make a more graceful transition out of this ludicrous, highly disruptive self-insertion arc?
You decide that's entirely enough of that. If this website becomes any more self-aware in a playfully self-deprecating yet weirdly self-aggrandizing manner, you're going to go drown a bag of puppies in a sewer.
|PESTERLOG|
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] sent ectoBiologist [EB] the file "LOW4SM4P.FL4" --
EB: what's this? GC: 1T'S YOUR WORLD M4P GC: W1TH YOUR S3COND G4T3 L4B3L3D GC: SO YOU C4N GO TH3R3 EB: oh man, let me drop everything and go there, because i'm in such a huge hurry to take more of your advice! GC: JOHN PL34S3 GC: G1V3 M3 ON3 OF YOUR HUM4N BR34KS GC: 1 F33L 4WFUL 4BOUT K1LL1NG YOU GC: 3V3N THOUGH T3CH1N1C4LLY YOU N3V3R 3V3N D13D SO 1 DONT KNOW WH4T YOUR3 B1TCH1NG 4BOUT >:[ EB: yeah, well, dave said i did, and i believe him! GC: TH4T 1S B3C4US3 H3 4ND YOU 4R3 B3ST PUP4 P4LS FOUR LYF3 GC: C4NT 1 B3 YOUR P4L TOO JOHN??? EB: i don't know, i thought you were ok for a while, but now you are kind of giving me the creeps! GC: J3GUS JOHN EB: what? GC: 1 4M 1NVOK1NG TH3 N4M3 OF YOUR 34RTH J3GUS GC: TO 3XPR3SS FRUSTR4T1ON EB: you mean my earth jesus? GC: 1 DONT KNOW GC: DO 1 EB: do you have a troll jegus? GC: JOHN GC: W3 H4V3 TH3 B3ST TROLL J3GUS GC: YOU DONT 3V3N KNOW EB: wow, really? EB: or is this a joke? GC: 1TS 4 JOK3 GC: 1M NOT R34LLY SUR3 WH4T 4 J3GUS 1S >:? EB: well... EB: neither do i, i guess. EB: it's pretty much not anything. GC: JOHN GC: W1LL YOU PL34S3 FOLLOW TH3 M4P????? GC: L3T M3 34RN YOUR TRUST GC: 1F YOU DONT L1K3 WH4TS ON TH3 OTH3R S1D3 OF TH3 G4T3 GC: YOU C4N JUST TURN 4ROUND! EB: um... EB: ok. EB: i'll take a look.
|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
TG: wow ok TG: youre a little early TG: but thats fine i guess TG: also you suck at rockets EB: ARGH! TG: what EB: she tricked me again. TG: who EB: GC. EB: she told me how to get to the 2nd gate. EB: so i went through, but it took me to rose's house instead. EB: another prank! TG: dude you did go through the second gate TG: i mean i dont know why you would listen to her again TG: kind of moronic but thats a whole other issue TG: she didnt trick you this time EB: oh... EB: then, i don't really get this. TG: what were you expecting TG: this is how it works TG: the progression of gates is like this whole round robin thing TG: cycling through each planet TG: gate 2 on your planet leads to gate 2 on roses TG: then you build up to gate 3 above her house which leads somewhere else on her planet TG: you look for gate 4 somewhere there TG: which leads to gate 4 above my house TG: and so on EB: wow, ok. TG: ordinarily rose would have already gone through her gate 1 TG: but shes sleeping pretty hard obviously TG: and ordinarily you wouldnt have gone through gate 2 until her house was built up TG: so you wouldnt fall to your death TG: but you got your cheat rocket so thats fine TG: see we all got to coordinate on this thing EB: ok... EB: how do you know all this? TG: fuck TG: come on dude EB: oh yeah... EB: you're the orange dave. EB: hey no offense, but do you think i could talk to the real dave for a second? TG: god dammit TG: i am the real dave TG: you know the one who saved your life TG: im more real actually cause ive been through some heavy shit already hopping around on red hot gears and i-beams for like a year TG: and grinding shit out for your ungrateful ass TG: here look check out this code from the future not that you deserve it WIin189Q TG: youre fucking welcome EB: wow, calm down! EB: i'm sorry, that's not really what i meant... EB: i mean, of course you're a real dave, but what i mean is... EB: the dave from my time is also my friend, and i guess he's in the same boat i'm in, not knowing stuff and all. EB: and i'd feel bad keeping him out of the loop!
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
TG: yo EB: oh, hey. EB: i think i pissed off your future self. TG: what did you do EB: i said he wasn't the real dave. TG: ahahahahaha EB: i think i might have really hurt his feelings though! TG: pff TG: dont worry about it EB: why not? TG: cause i wouldnt give a shit TG: and hes me EB: ok. EB: i'm in rose's room by the way. TG: what TG: really EB: yeah, but she's asleep! TG: ok TG: dont go anywhere TG: im coming down to the computer EB: ok.
TG: dave is here he wants to use the computer TG: probably to help you scope out roses room and snoop and stuff TG: i mean thats what i would have done TG: if you were alive TG: so im gonna go TG: use these flappy ghost wings and tear shit up in space or something EB: sure! EB: hey dave... TG: what EB: in case i forgot to say so before... EB: thanks for saving my life! TG: yeah
|PESTERLOG|
TG: ok i dont know what youre doing here TG: but i think we can both agree that youve got to rummage through as much of her shit as possible before she wakes up EB: man, i don't know how i feel about that! EB: i don't really like the idea of capering around her room while she's asleep, it feels weird. EB: i'm going to wake her up. TG: dude no come on TG: shes out like a light anyway TG: it was some like weird future thing that happened that made her sleep EB: a future thing? TG: yeah TG: shit doesnt get more clear than that EB: well, yeah, she won't wake up. EB: so i guess so. EB: but i'm not snooping!!! TG: fine dont TG: but here just do this one thing TG: see those two notebooks on the floor behind you EB: yeah. EB: they look sorta like journals. EB: i don't think i should read those! TG: you dont have to read them im not telling you to TG: what kind of prying tool do you take me for TG: just pick them up TG: you know like tidy up a bit since you made a royal fucking dump of her room just now EB: uh, ok.
|PESTERLOG|
TG: now i need you to do something else TG: this is important TG: like for important game reasons and stuff TG: take the card the books are on TG: flip it over EB: umm... TG: so you can see the code EB: wait a minute! EB: i see what you're trying to do. EB: i won't tell you the code for rose's books! TG: dude you dont have to tell me the code TG: just flip it over and let me know if theres a code there thats all EB: ok... EB: i guess. EB: yeah there's a code. TG: alright cool TG: you can ditch the books now if you want TG: maybe put them back on the floor TG: so rose doesnt think you were snooping TG: seriously youve got some grubby fingers bro why dont you mind your own business there TG: what is even with you EB: HAHA DAVE, EB: I THINK ALL THIS LAUGHING MADE ME POOP IN MY PANTS TOO HARD. TG: isnt that your birthday package there EB: oh, yeah, i think it might be. TG: maybe you should look at it TG: i dont think it counts as snooping since its technically yours EB: yeah, maybe. EB: i wonder if she finished... EB: she was so tight lipped about the damn thing! i am really curious.
You eye your birthday package again curiously. It's awfully tempting to peek inside, but you feel guilty about it for some reason, even though it's yours anyway.
You suppose a perusal of her bookshelf would be harmless enough. Just a bunch of books. The knowledge within is meant for everybody.
Dave pesters you with the message, "TG: afdsjjjjjjjjvfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff" which you decide not to bother dignifying with a whole pesterlog ordeal because it's probably just him being a truculent jackass again so screw him.
You captchalogue Rose's autographed copy of THIS OCEAN CHARLES. Jewels of wisdom like this don't just fall into your lap every day, and shouldn't be parted with lightly.
You doubt she'll mind if you borrow her book. She's always trying to get you to read her weird books anyway.
I never got to thank you properly for your gift. Yes, the words were there. Language comprising the familiar veneer of gratitude rubbing off with each tired favor traded for. A God bless to a sneeze or a few pennies cradled in a receipt. Perhaps it's the deplorable romantic in me, but I thought your present, and your friendship, demanded reciprocation surpassing by some degree the utterly meaningless.
The proper thanks I thought would be a demonstration that your offering was not in vain. Yes, maybe some would take your suggested alternative to my gloomy preoccupations as a passive-aggressive jab. But I know you didn't mean it that way. In fact, I'm sure reading about it now is the first time the notion has occurred to you. John, please stop rolling your eyes. The letter is down here.
The gift in this box is a resurrection. I used your present to thread life anew into a tattered heirloom. As long as I can remember, its black, greasy appendages have been tethered limply to its ratty, porous carriage. Too delicate to wash, too dear to discard. I used to love this rabbit. Now he's yours.
I trust you'll find this to be adequately sentimental. Happy birthday.
This gift from Rose is so cool. Two sweet bunnies on one birthday?? What are the odds. In a fit of enthusiasm you SHUT UP AND JAM the bunny back in the box, executing a textbook CHAOS DUNK.
Millions would have perished, if everything in the ocean weren't dead already, that is.
You gently CHAOS DUNK the fragile bunny back in the box and captchalogue it. It is such a nice present. You will have to write Rose a thank you note and tuck it under her hair band or something. Wait no, that would probably be creepy.
This bunny reminds you that you still have a salamander in your sylladex. She is holding the bunny Dave got you. It's sort of uncanny how similar they are, aside from the knitted enhancements. Seriously, what are the odds?? So weird.
You release dear, precious Casey. She was probably getting antsy in that card. You think you'll leave her here with Rose. A dangerous quest is nothing to embark on with a sweet, innocent little girl stashed in your inventory.
You aren't actually sure if she is a girl though. You don't even know if salamanders can be girls. Aren't they hermaphrodites or something?
You don't know anything about biology. Unless it is biology that has to do with ghosts and slime. But even then you don't actually know anything, you just sort of like to pretend you do.
|PESTERLOG|
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
GA: Im Supposed To Antagonize A Few Members Of Your Trivial Species GA: I Have To Start Somewhere GA: And Somewhen GA: So I Am Starting With You GA: And Now GA: Its Going To Be Pointless And Unpleasant GA: Mostly For Me GA: Actually You Know What GA: Im Not Really Feeling This At All GA: Goodbye TT: she's not here right now, she's asleep! TT: but ok, see you. GA: Is This GA: Your Human Sarcasm That Ive Heard About GA: That You Always Use GA: And That Is Basically A Terrible Way To Communicate TT: umm... no? GA: I Thought That Was The Thing You Did GA: The Rose Human Specifically TT: oh, yeah. TT: that's me! i am the rose human. look at me, i am so smart with all these snooty words and complicated things to say. TT: i am the queen of books. GA: Okay These Are Definitely Insincere Statements GA: Why Do You Work So Hard At Being So Awful TT: fffuuhhhhhhhh TT: i'm so burned, these burns are crazy. TT: can we just cut to the chase and be friends already?? TT: these cat and mouse games are so dumb, you know we're just going to all be friends at some point anyway. GA: Have We Spoken Before TT: i don't know, uh, maybe??? TT: it's hard to keep track with all your time nonsense. GA: Now That I Think About It It Is Pretty Conceivable That I Will Talk To You Again In The Past After This Conversation TT: that's because you guys always do things the hard way. TT: and the dumb way. GA: I Should Figure Out How The Viewport Feature Of This Application Works GA: So I Can See What Such A Primitive Creature Looks Like TT: haha, well i know what you guys look like. TT: you look kind of like... TT: howie mandel from little monsters. TT: even though, to be perfectly frank, he was kind of a big monster. TT: because he was a big goofy adult. TT: and fred savage was like his child prankster sidekick. GA: Is This An Adversary You Have Encountered On Your Quest TT: no, it's a movie. TT: you should ask john about it, because he thinks it's awesome, which it is. GA: It Seems You Put Stock In Johns Assessment Of Things GA: Even Really Uninteresting Things That Are Pretty Terrible To Listen To GA: He Is Either The Leader Of Your Party Or You Hold Whatever The Human Equivalent Of Mating Fondness For Him Is TT: yeah, i got him this really cool bunny for his birthday, and it's really nicely knitted and everything. TT: because i am basically in love with him, you are right. GA: Uh Okay TT: heh, just kidding. i'm sure john knows it's cause i am really thoughtful and i bet he really appreciates the present, and would say thank you if he were here! GA: Okay Human Courtship Is Definitely A Strange Thing And Its Sort Of Blowing My Mind Listening To This GA: I Think Ill Talk To Someone Else Now TT: why don't you talk to john? GA: Maybe GA: When Along His Timeline Would You Recommend Communicating With Him TT: oh man, i don't know. TT: why don't you pick the time that will make the most complicated mess out of everything imaginable? TT: you know that's what you're gonna do anyway. GA: Considering That Youre Obviously Not That Smart GA: And Basically Understand Whipping Bugwinged Fuckall About Even The Most Elementary Temporal Mechanics GA: I Am A Bit Perplexed As To Why I Find Myself So Vehemently Fondling The Short End Of The Antagonism Stick Here GA: Kind Of Irritating GA: Im Going To Talk To Your Comrades GA: This John Human GA: And Figure Out Whats Going On TT: ok. TT: if you talk to him in the past... TT: he'll understand even less buggywhipped fuckall about time, and he'll be confused. TT: so maybe paste something from this conversation to him? i don't know. TT: and if you talk to him in the future... TT: he'll probably know all this stuff, like things you've said to him but haven't said yet! TT: and then you'll be confused. TT: sorry, that's just how this works. TT: don't say i didn't warn you! GA: Consider Me Fully Briefed On The Matter. GA: Until Next Time Rose GA: Next Time In The Past TT: yeah, bye! TT: (heheheheheheh)
|PESTERLOG|
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]
GA: If Youre Not Too Busy Still Setting Up The Network GA: Perhaps You Could Come Show Me How To Activate The Viewport TA: ii am iin fact two bu2y 2tiill 2ettiing iit up. TA: whoa HERE2 an iidea. TA: pre22 F1. GA: My Keyboard Is Missing The F1 Key TA: liie2. TA: dont bother me iim not iin the mood. TA: iif ii 2ee one more 2narl of wiire2. TA: kiind of juttiing out and beiing tangled or whatever. TA: ii am goiing two perform 2ome 2ort of athletiic fuckiing 2omer2ault off the deep end and get a call from the pre2iident or 2ome 2hiit. TA: 2o go away. GA: You Used To Like To Talk More GA: If I Recall I Was Typically The One Who Would Solicit Reprieves From Your Nonsense GA: So I Dont Know What Happened TA: that wa2 before ii knew we were all goiing two diie. TA: and no one beliieved me. TA: and now look at you all. TA: all beliieviing me 2uddenly HMM UNCANNY. GA: Then Why Are You Doing This GA: Setting Up These Stations For Us TA: two get you all off my bulge about iit. TA: but ii wont troll any of them per2onally no way. TA: kiind of juveniile. TA: but you guys go knock your 2elve2 out ok. TA: 2ee the menu up top? TA: fiiddle around wiith that tiil you open the viiewport. GA: I Did Fiddle With It GA: To No Avail TA: iif you cant fiigure shiit out by fuckiing around you dont belong near computer2. TA: kiind of liike wiith regii2tered 2ex offender2 and 2chool2. TA: iif you move two a new town you have two go up two your neiighbor2 door and warn them about how 2tupiid you are. TA: and giive them a chance two hiide all theiir iinnocent technology. TA: and vandaliize your hou2e.
You stand outside some ruins which your beloved master's mother entered recently. Outside you find a striking scarcity of oats or greenery or anything at all that is delicious to chew on. This is as compelling a reason as any to follow her inside.
You pick up all the grist, and store it in Rose's GRIST CACHE.
This is entirely too much grist of too many exotic types for such a low level player. But you'll take it. You don't look a gift horse in the pink heart tattoo.
The grist overflow is gathered by the GRIST GUTTER utility supplied by GRIST TORRENT. It is stored and gradually redirected to other players.
Rose's MOM stands on a small platform and disappears.
You are a little nervous about transportalizing yourself. As a quadruped, grisly bisection strikes you as a very real possibility. Even though you're too dumb to think of such things.
|PESTERLOG|
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --
EB: so what is this? EB: the thing the code made... TG: really powerful hammer EB: how do you know? EB: i thought you couldn't use hammers. TG: i cant TG: better be though TG: got it from hephaestus EB: who's that? TG: really tough to kill dude EB: you killed him for it? TG: nope EB: how'd you get it then? TG: shenanigans EB: ok.
You hurry to the door so you can catch John before he goes gallivanting off somewhere.
But it seems your door is ajar. Funny, you don't remember leaving your door ajar. Even though it's sort of absurd for you to take note of such a thing, considering John recently left your room.
Oh well, it doesn't matter. You will now proceed through this door uneventfully.
You start thrashing up stunts something uncannybrutal on your quest for "MAD JUSTICE YO" and get this way rude municipality under control. Shit is basically flying off the hook. It's like shit wants nothing to do with that hook. The hook filed for divorce from that shit and is now seeking custody of the hook and the shit's two kids.
You receive an incoming message from the DRACONIAN DIGNITARY. You tell him you've got the ring. He says good, bring it to him while he waits for an update from the HEGEMONIC BRUTE who's been tracing the king's movements down on the battlefield.
He asks if you're still wearing that ridiculous outfit. He says you don't have to anymore, by orders of the SOVEREIGN SLAYER.
The needles seem to shiver with the dark desires of THE DEEP ONE. Any sane adventurer would cast these instruments of the occult into the FURTHEST RING and forget they ever existed.
This one was really obvious cause future Dave had a pair, but he took them with him when he prototyped himself. But now you have a pair too so that's cool.
You upgrade the PUPPET TUX future Dave made. He probably made it by combining one of your BRO'S badass marionette suits with your shirt, and scaling it up to fit. That's how you would have made it anyway.
You add a SMUPPET to the mix to make a softer and more stylish RED PLUSH PUPPET TUX. It is like walking around in snugly pajamas.
You combine a couple more items you got from future Dave's loot stash. The broken form of CALEDSCRATCH, and some RUBY CONTRABAND, whatever the hell that is.
The resulting item costs a fortune. You have no idea what it is.
Out of curiosity you try it again with a whole sword.
You dial back CALEDSCRATCH'S little turntable, rewinding the sword to a point in its history before it was broken. You then combine it with the red frog thingy to show the complete SCARLET RIBBITAR.
But there's no way you can afford to make that yet. It costs even more now.
Maybe you'll stick to combining items around your house for now, rather than stuff from your future sylladex. It'll be less confusing that way, and probably less expensive.
You aren't really sure which one you like better. The red one is softer, while the black one is sort of stiff and starchy. Anyone wearing this suit is all business.
You can use it to snap a ghost image of any object without captchaloguing it. Spits it out on a brand new captchalogue card every time. Could be a useful way to take a large inventory of anything you encounter without cluttering up your sylladex. Also for grabbing codes for stuff you can't ordinarily pick up.
|JOURNALOG|
Frigglish bothered his beard, as if unkinking a hitch in a long silk windsock. A more pedestrian audience would parse the exhibit as nervous compulsion. Behavior to petition contempt among the reasonable. He was however not surrounded by the reasonable, but the wise, a distinction in men that would forever be the difference in history's garland of treasured follies. As a matter of fact, his cadre of fellow wizards were all putting similar moves on their beards as well. The practice would evince thoughtfulness - sagacity, even - if they didn't do it all the time. Standing in line at the bank. Shooing squirrels from bird feeders. Few occasions were safe.
Zazzerpan inspected the clue. A single piece of evidence cradled in his coriaceous old man palms. It was a human bone, not striking in the tale it told alone so much as that told by the thousands like it festooning the marshy soil of the mass grave. The grisly expanse bore the texture of a decadent dessert, like one of Smarny's formidable custard trifles wobbled out on wheels for the holidays, to the dismay of a small nation.
"You're certain of this?" asked Frigglish. Despite what he was doing with his beard, he was, in fact, immersed in meaningful contemplation.
"I am afraid I am becoming more so with each terrible tick groused by that gaudy timepiece slung around your neck." In case it wasn't clear, Frigglish wore a clock Zazzerpan didn't care for. It was magic. "The massacre of Syrs Gnelph was not as written."
"What has you convinced it was the hand of our disciples in this blackness?" Executus chimed in.
"I believe... I..." a fat face stammered, eyes darting with the guilt of a thief in the throes of an unraveling alibi. "I can summon a... more pressing line of inquiry..." No, Smarny. Nobody was in the mood for a sticky bundt loaf just now.
Zazzerpan's ears fell insubstantial to any line of inquiry, pastry-oriented or otherwise. His abstruse contour carved a pondering shape in the fog carpeting centuries-dead. His eleven contemporaries too embraced the muted consternation of their great Predicant Scholar. Few wizards kept sharper adumbratives or read them with such lucidity. When Zazzerpan treated men with silence it was seldom unrepaid by the wise and reasonable alike.
It was harrowing to entertain. Zazzerpan the Learned's storied Complacency of Wizards was marked for grander descendence. Disciples hand-picked, vetted by Ockite the Bonafide and tested by Gastrell the Munificent. The twelve sweetest, most studious children a pair of elderly eyes could give their sparkle. Not the ragged guttersnipe so oft-harvested by the common Obscenity, those vituperative little beggars with hearts to corrupt as dropped bananas brown. That these chosen youngsters would turn was not merely unthinkable, but something of a roundhouse to the temporal bones of the Upper Indifference's high chamber of Softskulled Prophets.
His wisdom-savaged brow pruned further with recount of his many lessons to wouldbe successors. Lessons to advance humanity's elucidation and prosperity, an outcome this bleak trail now painfully obviated. There were few puzzles The Learned could not suspend and dissect in the recondite manifold beneath his extremely expensive pointy hat. Daring to pitch his cherished pupils in with the foul melange of history's rogues, the heretofore abstract scourge that built up civilizations with ungodly magic and tore them down with joyful malice, would prove an intellectual trespass to make his calcium-deficient bones quake.
And more daring yet was the only question that now mattered. Could a bunch of bearded, scraggly old men in preposterous outfits hunt them down? He didn't have an answer. Only a simple observation so blunt and uncharacteristically jejune for the lauded sage it was breathtaking in its selfevidency.
"We're going to need more wands." (Wow. Think of something better.)
This wizard story seems really involved and kind of confusing. You'll have to save your place and dig into it later, and then maybe ask Rose what the hell the deal with it is.
|PESTERLOG|
TG: whoa why are you burning your wizard fanfiction TT: I'm not. TT: This book contains a genetic code. TG: oh ok TG: then why are you burning that TT: The gods from the Furthest Ring asked me to. TG: is that some dumb wizard thing you just made up TG: or something to do with tentacle monsters TG: i cant keep track of what you like anymore TT: How did you know I wrote a story about wizards, anyway? TG: john told me TG: he was all snoopin around your room while you were asleep and i was like no man dont TG: so not cool TG: then he was like haha dude check it out this book is full of wizard slash TG: and i was like i dont even want to know this is such a crazy violation of privacy TT: This story sounds suspicious. TG: do you want me to chew him out about it i will because that was so outrageous i dont know where he got off being like that TT: No, I don't actually mind. TT: Too bad I missed him. TG: i thought you hated wizards TG: whats the deal with that TT: I like wizards. TT: What I don't like is my mother's obsession with feigning interest in them to antagonize me. TG: oh man thats so messed up TG: that you think that TG: she probably digs wizards for real just like you and youre blowing shit out of proportion like pretty much always TG: you and she could probably have been chatting up how awesome wizards were this whole time but no TG: youre probably burning your nutjob meow book to spite her too arent you TT: No, I told you. TT: It's one of the gene sequences locked in my subconcious. TT: The gods say it's critical to destroy it. TG: oh yeah TG: i thought that was a joke TG: when did they say that TT: When I was asleep. TG: you mean when we were dancing and stuff in our dreams TT: Yes. TT: When I flew to your tower, I heard them. TT: They're far above, in the dark sky. TG: ive never seen or heard these things in my dreams TT: Aren't you often distracted? TT: By music and puppets? TG: uh yeah TT: Have you ever looked into the sky without your shades? TG: no what a ridiculous question TT: Maybe you should try it some time. TG: .... TT: You're the prince of the moon. TG: ........ TT: I'm sure they've been meaning to seek a royal audience. TG: .......................... TT: What do all these dots mean......... TG: dunno TG: anyway yeah i guess ill do that TG: get some sky monsters to boss me around sounds cool
|PESTERLOG|
TG: so really why are you burning that TT: I just explained this to Other Dave. TT: Do I have to explain everything to you twice now? TG: no i know TG: im using daves spare computer i saw the whole conversation through his pesterchum account TT: Oh, I see. TT: So instead of having to double explain, I merely have to put up with being double spied upon. TT: What a relief! TG: i just mean TG: you didnt burn that book in the future TG: that book was completely pointless TT: I know. TT: But now it's not. TT: You appeared to make it relevant by traveling to the past. TG: so does that mean the sleeping thing worked TG: you remember the future TT: I remember some things. TG: ok cool TG: so why is the cat code so terrible now TT: I don't know. TT: But the gods were pretty emphatic about it. TG: well ok i guess its done but why are you so sure theyre right TT: Have you ever known them to be wrong? TG: i guess not TG: but they sort of freak me out TG: i mean listening to gross space mutants all day isnt my idea of an awesome time TG: especially the ones that sing oh god TT: Is that why you always kept the music turned up? TG: no i flip out to ill jams because they kick ass TG: obviously TT: I guess we'll chalk another riddle up in the solved column. TG: yeah case the fuck closed
TG: are you talking to future me TT: Yes. TG: ok im out of the loop again TG: between you taking orders from dream beasts and bird wing me with like TG: future secrets TG: im doing some sort of spectacular fucking jackknife off the loop and getting a wink and a nod from barack obana TG: im coming upstairs TT: Ok.
|SPRITELOG|
DAVE: so it was pretty funny how i made a copy of roses evil book right before she burned it and now she doesnt know about it DAVESPRITE: i know its crazy what kind of foresight this guy has DAVESPRITE: im telling you coincidences like that are unreal they dont even happen DAVESPRITE: most of the time DAVE: the best thing about how i did that is how it in no way will ever come back to bite us in the ass ever DAVESPRITE: dude our shit is SAFE DAVE: so safe DAVESPRITE: gonna sleep pretty sound tonight DAVESPRITE: with that big fucking payload of safety you just got dropped on us DAVESPRITE: gonna be all huggin my pillow and shit DAVESPRITE: grinning like a goddamn bear full of honey DAVE: safer than some flintstone vitamins in a bottle DAVE: keep twisting junior all you get is clicks DAVESPRITE: asshole thinks its candy DAVESPRITE: doesnt even know he just stepped on a security rake and got a face full of fucking safety DAVE: yeah DAVE: anyway guess ill go back down and burn that book DAVESPRITE: alright
Whoever took those books was a pretty cold blooded dude.
You figure you'll cool it on the time travel for a while. Don't want to see the Dave corpses start to pile up. Especially if one of them winds up being you.
You push one of the nearby buttons. It activates the upper right monitor. The view is locked on to a particular location on Earth at a particular date and time.
Whoever was in the lab appears to have recently calibrated this device.
The monitor displays a town on the west coast of the United States. It appears to be your old neighborhood. But there is a factory there you do not recognize. The date is December 1st, 1995, a few months before you were born.
A renowned billionaire explorer approaches on his yacht. An old factory lost two days prior, but a new shipmate gained. Together they settle the island and plunder its secrets.
A professional lady and new mother has traveled from the opposite coast at the behest of a famous and wealthy scientist to study one of numerous recent celestial anomalies while he is on expedition.
She notices a meteor overhead, on collision course with a quaint family joke shop. A distinguished gentleman notices the lady and comes outside to greet her, oblivious to the threat above. The gentleman's mother remains inside, busying herself with a tall bookshelf, a ladder, and a rather hefty unabridged joke book.
You surpass ONE MILLION BOONDOLLARS and trade them all in for a single whopping BOONBUCK. This is of course going directly into the college fund for these youngsters.
An old man has much to do before he returns to Earth, dies, gets stuffed by his adopted-yet-biological daughter-slash-grand-daughter, and stuck in front of a fireplace.
Taking priority at the moment is shipping two passengers long overdue for a reunion.
|PESTERLOG|
CG: SEE THIS IS A CASE IN POINT. EB: what point? CG: THE POINT I WAS JUST MAKING. CG: ABOUT THE ULTIMATE RIDDLE. CG: YOU BLITHERING FECULENT SHITHOLE. CG: OK THAT'S YOUR CUE TO LAUGH AT ME SOME MORE I GUESS. CG: BECAUSE YOU SEEM TO REALLY GET OFF WHENEVER I FLAME YOU. CG: HUMANS ARE DERANGED. EB: oh man, i must be getting closer to the conversations where you're trolling me harder! EB: this is pretty exciting, i can't wait to see what you've got up your sleeve. CG: YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN??? FUCK YOU ABOUT THAT. EB: anyway, you weren't making a point about the ultimate riddle, dude. CG: YES I WAS, AND NOW I'M LOSING MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT DIPSHIT. EB: nope, we never talked about it. EB: yet... CG: OH HELL, THAT'S RIGHT. CG: DAMMIT, I GUESS THIS IS GOING TO BE CONFUSING. EB: oh, you're just starting to figure that out now? CG: SEE I KIND OF PAINTED MYSELF INTO A CORNER. CG: I STARTED TROLLING YOU AT THE END, JUST BEFORE THE RIFT. CG: AND THEN JUMPED BACK A LITTLE. CG: AND NOW I GUESS I'VE BECOME RAILROADED INTO WORKING BACKWARDS HERE. CG: UNLESS I WANT TO DO THE SORT OF DUMB SCHIZOPHRENIC HOPPING AROUND LIKE THE OTHERS. EB: oh my god, i know, you've already told me like a million times!!! CG: I HAVE? CG: WOW I CAN'T WAIT FOR ALL THESE AMAZING CONVERSATIONS TO TAKE PLACE. CG: IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE THAT HUMAN VACATION WITH THE GIANT RED CHIMNEY ASSHOLE UP IN HERE. CG: YOU KNOW, THE ONE WHERE A BUNCH OF MOANY NOOKSUCKERS SING AT A LITTLE PINE TREE I THINK. EB: man, i've got to say i'm a little disappointed by this "masterful trolling" you were bragging about. CG: I WAS BRAGGING? CG: WHY WOULD I BOTHER WITH THAT SORT OF PEDANTIC HUMAN HORSESHIT. CG: MAYBE YOU SHOULD CONSIDER THAT I WAS BRAGGING TO GET YOUR HOPES UP IN THE FUTURE. CG: ONLY TO LET YOU DOWN. CG: AND THUS TROLL YOU MASTERFULLY IN THAT RESPECT. EB: maybe, but that would be pretty weak too!!! CG: YOUR BRITTLE HUMAN CALCIUM BASED SKULL IS WHAT IS WEAK, AND IF YOU AND I WERE IN THE PROXIMITY OF A BLUNT INSTRUMENT I WOULDN'T HAVE MUCH TROUBLE PROVING IT. EB: w/e. EB: so what was the "case in point" you were making, anyway? CG: I WAS SCROLLING BACK AND NOTICED YOU WERE IN THE VEIL. EB: whoa, i am? CG: YEAH DUMBDUMB, YOU'RE TUMBLING AROUND ON A BIG GODDAMN METEOR. CG: AND YOU JUST CREATED YOUNGER VERSIONS OF YOURSELVES AND YOUR GUARDIANS. CG: PROBABLY BY MUCKING AROUND WITH THAT THING LIKE A DOOFUS. EB: wait... EB: these are baby versions of us? CG: HAHAHAHAHAHA, SO CLUELESS. CG: WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING THERE ANYWAY. EB: well... EB: i saw footage of my nanna, and some other people who i am pretty sure were like jade's grandpa and rose's mom and stuff from a long time ago. EB: and then... EB: there were all these little guys scurrying around. EB: so they are like cloned copies of us? CG: NO. CG: THEY ARE LITERALLY YOU AND YOUR GUARDIANS. CG: PARADOX CLONES. EB: huh? EB: what do you mean they are literally us? EB: do they go back in time? CG: YEAH, OBVIOUSLY. GREAT GUESS BRAIN HERO. CG: BUT TECHNICALLY THEY AREN'T EVEN SENT BACK IN TIME BECAUSE WITH RESPECT TO THE MEDIUM YOUR UNIVERSE'S TIMELINE IS MEANINGLESS. CG: SERIOUSLY WHY WOULD IT GIVE A CRAP ABOUT EARTH'S PAST OR FUTURE OR WHATEVER, FROM IT'S PERSPECTIVE IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF POINTS TO CHOOSE FROM. CG: JUST LIKE YOUR CHRONOLOGY IS FROM OUR PERSPECTIVE. CG: BUT I GUESS THAT'S A BUNCH OF SEMANTICS. WITH RESPECT TO YOUR PERSONAL CHRONOLOGY YEAH THEY GO BACK IN TIME. CG: A PARADOX CLONE IS BY DEFINITION A CORRECTLY CLONED DUPLICATE THAT WILL INEVITABLY GO BACK IN TIME AND BECOME THE ORIGINAL TARGET THAT WAS CLONED. CG: IF IT'S A MALFORMED CLONE, IT'S JUST A MEANINGLESS MUTANT THAT HAS NO BEARING ON THE STABLE LOOP CONTINUUM. CG: I DON'T SEE ANY TENTACLES OR EXTRA EYEBALLS OR WARPED BONE BULGES, SO THOSE GROSS LITTLE THINGS THERE ARE ALL YOU GUYS, WAITING TO GO TO EARTH AND GROW UP AND BECOME THE INSIPID BUNCH OF GRUBFISTED DOUCHEBAGS YOU ALL ARE NOW. CG: AND THIS WAS THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE ABOUT THE ULTIMATE RIDDLE. EB: what is the riddle anyway? EB: maybe i can guess, i am good at riddles! CG: HAHAHA, THINK AGAIN IGNORAMUS. CG: IT'S NOT EVEN THAT GREAT. CG: OR EVEN MUCH OF A RIDDLE AT ALL. CG: IN THE COURSE OF YOUR ADVENTURE YOU WOULD HAVE ENCOUNTERED ALL THESE FRAGMENTS OF LIKE WEIRD POEMS AND SHIT. CG: YOU FIND THEM ALONG YOUR QUESTS, WITH CLUES AND STUFF BURIED IN THEM TO HELP YOU SOLVE PUZZLES AND MOVE HUGE STONE COLUMNS AND MAKE STAIRCASES APPEAR AND LOTS OF NONSENSE LIKE THAT. CG: AND IT'S ALL MASKED IN THIS FLOWERY SORT OF FROTHY POETIC JACKASSERY THAT NOBODY REALLY CARES ABOUT. CG: AND I SURE AS HELL DON'T CARE ABOUT SPOILING IT FOR YOU. CG: BUT WHAT ALL THESE LOFTY SYMBOLIC ALLUSIONS BOIL DOWN TO IS SOME GRANDER STATEMENT ABOUT WHAT YOU SEE HAPPENING HERE. CG: THAT YOU WERE ALWAYS THE KEY TO SEEDING YOUR OWN EXISTENCE THROUGH THIS GAME. CG: AND ANY HOPE THAT IT COULD HAVE PLAYED OUT DIFFERENTLY OR THAT YOU COULD HAVE AVOIDED THIS WHOLE MESS WAS ALWAYS JUST A RUSE. EB: a distaction, perhaps? CG: WHAT? EB: nevermind. CG: BECAUSE IF IT DIDN'T GO DOWN THIS WAY THEN HOW WERE YOU EVEN BORN, GET IT. CG: WHICH IS ESPECIALLY PATHETIC SINCE PARADOX SPACE APPARENTLY WENT TO ALL THIS TROUBLE TO MAKE YOU JUST TO HAVE YOU FAIL AND DIE. CG: REALLY THERE'S NOTHING MORE TRAGIC THAN THESE NULL SESSIONS FULL OF KIDS ENTERING THE GAME AND FULFILLING SOME COSMIC DESTINY SHIT JUST TO GET WIPED OUT AND LEAVE BEHIND AN EMPTY POINTLESS INCIPISPHERE FOR ALL ETERNITY. CG: ACTUALLY IT'S SORT OF HILARIOUS. CG: OR IT WOULD BE IF IT DIDN'T AFFECT ME PERSONALLY. CG: BUT ANYWAY, THERE'S A LOT MORE TO THE RIDDLE THAN JUST THAT, LIKE WHAT WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT LAST TIME WE TALKED. CG: BUT THAT'S SORT OF THE GIST OF THE THEMES IT DEALS WITH. EB: ok. EB: well, if i run into some salamanders who tell me all about this riddle and get really excited about it, i will try to act surprised. EB: so this is the same kind of thing you went through? EB: with, like, being your own paradox clones and creating your own parents and stuff? CG: YEAH. EB: how did that even work, with 12 of you? CG: IT WAS REALLY FUCKING COMPLICATED AND I'M NOT GOING TO GET INTO IT. CG: OUR FAMILY STRUCTURES ARE ALREADY WAY MORE COMPLICATED THAN YOURS WITHOUT EVEN GETTING SPOOKY TIME SLIME INVOLVED. CG: BASICALLY WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON WHATSOEVER. CG: EXCEPT MAYBE THIS... CG: I WAS THE GUY IN YOUR POSITION, TO MAKE ALL THESE CLONES, AND FRANKLY IT ALL KIND OF FREAKED ME THE HELL OUT. EB: huh... EB: yeah, i guess now that you mention it, i am finding it all a little strange... CG: OH, ONLY JUST NOW??? CG: FUCK YOU ARE FAST, I HOPE YOU GOT THE MAD BOONBUCKS TO PAY OFF THOSE SPEEDING TICKETS. EB: no, no, i mean the ghost stuff and paradoxes are one thing of course... EB: it's something else. EB: it's just... EB: this is really weird... CG: WHAT'S SO WEIRD ABOUT IT. EB: well, normally humans hatch... EB: from like these slimy pods. EB: then we wriggle out as a little pink larva. CG: OH REALLY. CG: HUH, MAYBE WE HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN I THOUGHT. EB: (hehehehehehehe) CG: MAYBE THOSE REALLY ARE MUTANT CLONES AND THEY AREN'T GOING BACK TO SEED YOUR PLANET??? EB: um... EB: sure...? CG: HELL, I'M CONFUSED NOW. CG: NOT THAT I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR POINTLESS AWFUL LIVES. EB: hey, i have an idea. EB: why don't you get back to me in a few minutes? EB: i mean like a few minutes of my time, not yours. EB: all of these little pink monkeys are getting way out of line and i have to tend to them. EB: if you message me in a couple minutes, we can continue conversing in a sane, linear fashion for a change! CG: UM, OK? EB: and then after that you can keep going backwards and then make fun of me riding my little red rocket. EB: you can tell me i look like a silly little paradox clone fresh out of my slime tube and this is just all a big nurseytime recess jamboree. EB: that would burn me good! CG: OK THAT IS PRETTY GOOD. CG: BUT I CAN'T USE IT, BECAUSE YOU SAID IT, AND THEN LATER, I.E. RIGHT NOW, YOU WOULD GET THE SATISFACTION OF KNOWING YOU WERE THE ONE TO COME UP WITH THAT BURN. CG: SEE, YOU ARE DEALING WITH A PRO, YOU CAN'T OUT TROLL ME SO JUST FORGET ABOUT IT AND STOP TRYING. EB: (hehehehehehehehehehehe)
|PESTERLOG|
CG: OK IT'S A FEW MINUTES LATER. CG: LOOK HOW SANE AND LINEAR WE ARE BEING. EB: yeah! CG: OK AWESOME, NOW FUCK YOU AND GOODBYE. EB: wait! CG: WHAT. EB: i was just looking at all these rascals, and i was wondering... EB: how they go back in time and become us and stuff. EB: does it have something to do with the reckoning? CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT. EB: you told me. EB: we had this great dare going. EB: to see who could be the least helpful and informative. EB: and you totally lost, dude! EB: you were hella helpful. CG: I WAS OBVIOUSLY JUST SPITING YOUR STUPID POINTLESS HUMAN DARE. CG: WHAT IS A DARE ANYWAY, IT'S NOTHING. CG: SOMEONE SAYS DO SOMETHING AND THEN, OH LAUGH LAUGH, YOU LOSE IF YOU DON'T DO IT. CG: THAT ISN'T ANYTHING THAT DESERVES A WORD. CG: WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A WORD FOR DARE IN OUR LANGUAGE. CG: THE CLOSEST APPROXIMATION WOULD BE "WORTHLESS FUCKING BULLSHIT WASTE OF TIME FOR SILLY LITTLE CHILDREN" EB: oh, wow. EB: is that the title of a movie too? CG: YES, IT'S THE TITLE OF EVERY DUMB MOVIE YOU EVER LIKED. EB: ha ha, that isn't even true and doesn't make sense! CG: ANYWAY, HOW COULD WE HAVE MADE A DARE IF I'M MOVING BACKWARDS ON YOUR TIMELINE. CG: YOU WOULD DARE ME TO DO SOMETHING, THEN I WOULD DO IT NEXT TIME, BUT THEN YOU WOULDN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE DARE. CG: BECAUSE WE DIDN'T MAKE IT YET. CG: THAT'S WHAT ISN'T TRUE AND DOESN'T MAKE SENSE YOU DAMP BAG OF PUKE. EB: well yeah, the dare never happened, i was joking around and made that up to give you hard time. CG: YOU HAVE SOUNDING STUPID DOWN TO SUCH A SCIENCE. CG: WHERE IS YOUR LAB COAT AND TEST TUBES DOCTOR BRAIN PROFESSOR? EB: i am wearing a lab coat! EB: sort of... CG: YOU LOOK LIKE AN ELF. EB: that's bullshit! CG: YOU LOOK LIKE YOU SHOULD BE BLOWING INTO A FUNNY LITTLE SHELL, AND LIMBERING UP FOR A SILLY COOKIE DANCE. EB: do you even have elves? CG: YES, LET'S COMPARE WHICH FANTASY CREATURES THAT DON'T EXIST WE BOTH DO OR DON'T NOT HAVE. CG: WHAT A GREAT FUCKING IDEA, JOHN! EB: uh, what? CG: YOU ASKED ABOUT THE RECKONING, SO WHY DON'T WE TALK ABOUT THAT INSTEAD OF ALL THESE PRETTY MUCH TERRIBLE THINGS. EB: ok. CG: YEAH, SO WHEN THE RECKONING STARTS HAPPENING, ALL THESE PARADOX CLONES GET SHIPPED OFF TO METEORS, FLUNG THROUGH SKAIAN DEFENSE PORTALS, AND SENT BACK TO EARTH. CG: END OF STORY I GUESS. CG: BYE. EB: wait!!! EB: so that means... EB: we are all sort of like superman? CG: UH YEAH, I GUESS. EB: cool! CG: YOU ALL TRACE THE MYTHOLOGICAL FOOTSTEPS OF YOUR BELOVED HUMAN SUPERMAN WHO'S REALLY JUST A MUSCULAR CAUCASIAN ALIEN. CG: IT'S HILARIOUS HOW HUMANS WORSHIP HIM AS A PINNACLE OF HUMAN HEROISM AND VIRTUE BUT HE ISN'T EVEN HUMAN. CG: ACTUALLY IT'S INCREDIBLY PATHETIC. CG: BUT ALSO IN A WAY KIND OF ADMIRABLE. CG: BECAUSE IT MEANS DEEP DOWN YOU ALL MUST REALIZE WHO YOUR DADDY IS. CG: WE ARE, BITCHES. EB: yeah, superman is pretty cool, i guess. EB: did you know nicolas cage was almost going to play superman one time? CG: OH MY THROBBING PHLEGM LOBE, WHO GIVES A BARFING FUCK ABOUT THAT. CG: JOHN EGBERT, YOU HAVE ASSASSINATED MY PATIENCE. CG: ADIOS LOSER. EB: wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EB: get back to me in a couple minutes, ok? CG: SD;LKFJSD;LKFJSDLFKJ; CG: FINE.
Eight days prior, the orphan girl was taken in by an aristocratic southern colonel and legendary humorist. He recovered the young lady from a crater where a bakery once stood, operated by the man's wife, a notable baked goods baroness.
Thirteen years later, the boy develops a taste for adventure. He and his guardian bid farewell. His sister is sad. She will be left all alone with the wicked pastry baroness. She can handle it, he tells her. He believes in her.
Only one of the books is useful to him. The envelopes are useless. And he couldn't make it through more than a paragraph of the other book. Some weird thing about wizards. He discards them.
The spare notebook lands on the floor. The envelopes land in the SEED.
|PESTERLOG|
CG: OK, I GOT BACK TO YOU. CG: ARE YOU HAPPY. EB: sure, i guess. CG: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT YET. CG: BUT YOU ARE ABOUT TO START PASSING OUT BUNNIES LIKE THEY'RE CHEAP CIGARS. CG: IT'S GOING TO BE AN EMBARRASSING DISPLAY. EB: what are you talking about? CG: YEAH, EXACTLY, NUMSKULL. CG: LET'S JUST HAVE OUR CHAT, THEN IT CAN NATURALLY OCCUR TO YOU TO BE AN IDIOT IN THE DUE COURSE OF TIME. EB: ok... EB: i was sort of mulling it over while looking at all these babies with guns and sitting on ponies and things... EB: and how the reckoning takes them back. EB: and how you said our reckoning starts sooner. CG: YEAH. EB: are you sure it has to start so soon? can't we delay it? CG: HAHAHAHA. CG: IT STARTS IN A FEW MINUTES STUPID. CG: SEE THAT COUNTDOWN CLOCK OVER THERE? CG: YOU AREN'T DELAYING ANYTHING. EB: oh... dang! EB: i guess i better get off this meteor then! CG: WELL I MEAN IT DOESN'T HAPPEN ALL AT ONCE. CG: FIRST SOME SMALLER METEORS GO. CG: THEN BIGGER ONES. CG: SPREAD OUT OVER LIKE 24 HOURS OR SO. CG: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE... CG: GO TIME. CG: WHEN IT STARTS. CG: LIKE IT'S TIME TO HURRY UP AND STOP FUCKING AROUND AND KILL THE BOSS, GET IT? CG: THE ROCK YOU'RE ON DOESN'T BLAST OFF RIGHT AWAY. CG: TOO BAD, BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE SPARED YOU FROM MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF IN A COUPLE MINUTES, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, SPARED ME FROM HAVING TO WATCH. EB: ok, well you keep saying how doomed we are and how all this bad stuff happens sooner, but you never say why! EB: what happens in our game that's different from yours that makes things go so badly? CG: JACK NOIR.
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EB: who is jack noir? CG: AN AGENT OF DERSE. CG: WHO FLIPPED OUT AND ROSE TO POWER. CG: HE KILLED YOUR BLACK QUEEN AND KING AND NOW HE'S IN CHARGE. EB: so you didn't have him in your game? CG: NO, WE DID. CG: BUT HE WAS HARMLESS. CG: ACTUALLY, HE WAS AN ALLY, SORT OF. CG: HE SETTLED A GRUDGE AGAINST THE QUEEN BY HELPING US DETHRONE AND EXILE HER. CG: AND THEN HE WOUND UP EXILED HIMSELF, AND SORT OF KEPT HELPING US THROUGH A COMMAND TERMINAL ON OUR OLD PLANET. CG: HE'S KIND OF A HUGE ASSHOLE THOUGH. CG: BUT BECAUSE HE TOOK THE QUEEN OUT OF THE PICTURE, WHEN WE GOT TO SKAIA WE ONLY HAD ONE MONARCH TO DEAL WITH INSTEAD OF TWO. CG: OF COURSE IT WAS A NASTY GIANT 12X PROTOTYPED BLACK KING THAT TOOK FOREVER TO KILL, JUST BARELY IN TIME BEFORE THE BIGGEST METEORS CAME, BUT STILL. EB: i see. EB: so after he got exiled and all that, he came here into our game and caused all this trouble? CG: NO, GOD. CG: EGBERT YOU ARE THICKER THAN THAT HIDEOUS JOKE BOOK YOU WADDLE AROUND WITH. CG: TRY TO THINK MORE ABSTRACTLY. CG: THINK ABOUT VIDEO GAMES. CG: WHAT'S AN EARTH GAME YOU LIKED TO PLAY? CG: NAME ONE. EB: ummmm... EB: crash bandicoot? CG: OK I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT I HAVE A FEELING IT'S A REALLY LAME EXAMPLE, BUT THAT'S FINE, IT'S NOT THE POINT. CG: SO LET'S SAY YOU PLAY YOUR BANDICOOT AND I PLAY MY BANDICOOT. CG: THEY ARE ESSENTIALLY THE SAME BANDICOOT, SAME APPEARANCE AND DESIGN AND BEHAVIORS. CG: BUT THEY ARE STILL COMPLETELY SEPARATE BANDICOOTS ON SEPARATE SCREENS. CG: SO WE BOTH HAVE OUR OWN ASS BANDICOOTS TO OURSELVES, THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT. CG: OUR JACKS ARE THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT TOO. CG: SAME GUY, DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES AND OUTCOMES. CG: OUR JACK TRUMPED THE QUEEN, BUT GOT NO FURTHER. CG: YOUR JACK GOT THE BEST OF BOTH OF THEM, AND IS NOW SOMETHING HIGHER THAN A QUEEN OR A KING... EB: like an ace? CG: SURE OK. EB: ok, i think i get it. EB: but how did he do that? what was different about what we did versus what you did? CG: FRANKLY I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE ORIGINAL THING THAT TIPPED THE SCALE WAS. CG: IT IS UNDER INVESTIGATION. CG: BUT IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER. CG: THE WORST IS YET TO COME. CG: FOR YOU. EB: oh no! EB: what is the worst thing? CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU. EB: dammit! EB: oh, hey... EB: sorry, hold on, this little lady is bugging me about something. CG: YEAH YEAH, YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET IT OVER WITH AND GIVE HER THE LOUSY RABBIT ALREADY. EB: oh!!!!! EB: oh man, i just had THE BEST idea, this is so perfect. EB: a blonde mother and daughter together, this is totally perfect. CG: PERFECT FOR WHAT, FLEXING YOUR FORMIDABLE MENTAL HANDICAP LIKE A FUCKING HEAVYWEIGHT FOR THE NEXT SEVERAL MINUTES? CG: OH WAIT, LET ME CHECK, THE ANSWER IS YES. EB: it is like that scene in con air, i will give her the bunny like i am nick cage fresh out of the slammer. CG: FUCK. EB: i wish i had a filthy wifebeater on, oh well. CG: JUST... CG: AUGH.
|PESTERLOG|
GC: D4V3 WH4TS 1T SM3LL L1K3 TG: what GC: YOUR BLOOD TG: fuck off GC: D4V3 GC: G1V3 1T 4 L1TTL3 T4ST3 FOR M3 GC: T3LL M3 WH4T HUM4N BLOOD T4ST3S L1K3 GC: 1V3 B33N SO CUR1OUS >:] TG: youre the annoying blind one arent you GC: Y34H TG: dave told me about you GC: GOD GC: TOO M4NY D4V3S GC: 1TS L1K3 TH1S B1G 4SSHOL3 4ND COOL GUY P4RTY GC: BUT SOM3ON3 FORGOT TO 1NV1T3 4LL TH3 COOL GUYS GC: >;] TG: man im telling you burns like that are unreal TG: where do you even get a burn thats that sick GC: I B3T YOU C4NT W41T TO B3 4 US3L3SS P13C3 OF SH1T 4LL D4Y 4ND F4LL DOWN 4LL TH3S3 BURNS TG: no you messed that up GC: D4V3 D4V3 GC: 1S TH1S YOU GC: http://tinyurl.com/PUR3D4V3 TG: uh GC: PFF4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3 TG: did you try to draw shades on his face and miss TG: whats even the point hes already wearing shades GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4 GC: 1TS SO P3RF3CT TH4T 1S SO YOU GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H TG: this is moronic GC: D4V3 T3LL M3 WH4T YOUR BLOOD SM3LLS L1K3 GC: OR 1LL M4K3 4NOTH3R ON3 GC: 4ND 1 KNOW TH3S3 HURT YOUR F33L1NGS GC: >:D TG: i dont know what it smells like or tastes like TG: but i sure as hell know what it looks like TG: like a fuckin symphony on my retinas TG: shit is beautiful like a little vermilion picnic on my hands TG: every day i open my eyes i find poetry in even the simplest things TG: just one of those little joys in life you take for granted you know TG: this miraculous gift of vision GC: D4V3 D4V3 GC: CH3CK 1T OUT GC: 1 F1GUR3D 1T OUT GC: TH1S H4S GOT TO B3 YOU! GC: http://tinyurl.com/TH1S1SSOOOOD4V3 GC: 444444444H4H4HH4H4H4H44H444H4HH4H4H4H4H4 GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H33H3H3H3H34H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4 TG: i could give myself a hernia trying to be as big a douche as that guy TG: i could try but it would wind up like a motorcycle stunt gone horribly wrong TG: my broken body would flop and tumble around like a rag doll GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4HH4H4H4H4H4H4H4H44H4H4H4H4H GC: OH GOD 1 C4NT BR34TH3!!!! TG: and yet as much as that guys the tooliest dude i could ever hope to meet he and i would still get along famously TG: cause we can both see GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H333H3H3H3H3H GC: H4H4H44H4H4H TG: just him and me TG: havin a see party TG: like a couple of eagle eyed bros peepin shit up into the wee hours GC: D4V3 GC: C4N 1 COM3 TO YOUR S33 P4RTY? TG: i guess but youll have to be careful not to stumble around bumping into all the gorgeous masterpieces hanging around everywhere TG: god so beautiful to look at with my perfect eyesight GC: C4N 1 L1CK TH3 P41NT1NGS? TG: yeah thats fine
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-- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --
AT: jADE, hI, iS YOUR ROBOT NEARBY, GG: ummmmmm..... AT: wHERE YOU CAN TYPE, bECAUSE YOU ARE ASLEEP, GG: oh! yes it appears so!!! AT: oK, uHH, iN THAT CASE, aRE YOU HAVING A PLEASANT NAP, GG: i guess! ive been pretty busy here GG: ive had to stay asleep for a long time because john is supposed to wake up soon GG: but he just wont wake up!!!!! GG: im pretty sure im supposed to be the one to wake him but i dont know what to do :( AT: uHHHHH, GG: huh?? AT: oHH, sORRY, AT: i WAS LOOKING TO SEE IF i COULD SEE HIM BE AWAKE IN THE FUTURE, AT: bUT i CANT SEE IN HIS DREAMS, oR ANYTHING, GG: oh...... GG: well thanks for trying anyway! AT: bUT YOU WILL WAKE UP SOON, iT LOOKS LIKE, AT: sO MAYBE THIS MEANS YOU HAVE SUCCESS, GG: i hope so! GG: what am i doing when i wake up? AT: oH, gOODNESS, tHERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON, aND THERE IS A LOT OF TROUBLE THAT YOU ARE IN, GG: oh no!!!!! AT: bUT, wHAT IT COMES DOWN TO IS, iS THAT YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME ANYWAY, AT: tHIS IS YOUR LAST DAY, AT: bEFORE YOU MAKE THE RIFT, AT: aND THEN i CAN'T SEE WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THAT, aNYMORE, AT: wHICH IS OK, wITH ME, bECAUSE, tO BE HONEST, AT: sEEING YOUR WHOLE BIG CONFUSING FUTURE AND PAST IS, kIND OF OVERWHELMING, GG: yes i know what you mean.... AT: iTS SO COMPLICATED, aND, i DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT i SHOULD BE ACCOMPLISHING, AT: i THINK, AT: uSING THESE GADGETS AND THINGS, aND MY TIME LINE ADVANTAGES, tO PLAY PRANKS ON YOU, GG: that sounds like it would be fun! GG: but you guys never even played pranks on me, you were always just kinda mean D: AT: sORRY, }:( AT: i THINK, AT: tHE IDIOTIC THING ABOUT TROLLIAN IS, AT: iF YOU USE IT TO TROLL PEOPLE, i THINK YOU ARE JUST AS LIKELY TO GET TROLLED YOURSELF, AT: mAYBE EVEN MORE BADLY, AT: wHICH i THINK IS WHAT IS GOING ON HERE, jUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME, GG: well i know i havent trolled you guys! GG: or not yet......... GG: heheheh AT: nO, AT: bUT YOU SORT OF ARE, AT: mY FRIEND IS GOING CRAZY, hE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU, AT: hE LEFT YOU A MESSAGE, a LONG TIME AGO ON YOUR TIME LINE, AT: tO TALK TO HIM, wHEN YOUR ROBOT BLOWS UP, GG: oh yeah! GG: i totally forgot about that GG: does it really blow up or was that another trick? AT: uHHHH, AT: i DON'T KNOW, i CAN'T SEE IT BLOW UP IN YOUR FUTURE, AT: nOT ON SCREEN, AT: i MEAN, AT: tHERE ARE LOTS OF EXPLOSIONS, aLL THE TIME, aNYWAY, AT: tOO MANY EXPLOSIONS, GG: hmmmmm GG: you could ask me in the future! AT: oK, i WILL ASK, AT: oK, AT: yOU SAID, yES, iT DID BLOW UP, aND YOU TALKED TO HIM, AT: aND, uHHH, AT: tHEN YOU SAID HE WAS ACTUALLY A PRETTY NICE GUY, wHICH i THOUGHT WAS WEIRD, GG: is he not a nice guy? AT: nOT, rEALLY, GG: hmmm.... GG: well maybe hes just been through some tough times GG: maybe we should give him the benefit of the doubt? AT: uHHHH, GG: for whatever its worth i think youre a pretty nice guy too! AT: oKAY, tHANK YOU, GG: also you seem to be the only one who ever thinks to talk to me while im asleep! GG: why is that? AT: oH, i GUESS, AT: tHAT IT MAKES SENSE, AT: bECAUSE YOU HAVE A ROBOT, tO LET YOU SAY THINGS THAT HAPPEN, oN PROSPIT, AT: aND i'M CURIOUS, AT: bECAUSE THE ONLY TIME i EVER HAD FUN PLAYING THIS GAME WAS WHEN i WAS ASLEEP, AT: bUT NOW ALL OUR DREAM SELVES ARE DEAD, AT: }:'( GG: oh no!!! GG: dream selves can die? AT: yEAH, GG: i never knew that GG: or even thought about it.... GG: i guess it makes sense though AT: uHH, yEAH, AT: sO ENJOY YOUR NAP, AT: wHILE IT LASTS, AT: bYE,
|PESTERLOG|
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
GA: Hello Again GA: Are We Friends Yet At This Point In Time GA: I Would Speculate That If We Are Not By Now Then It Is Probably Not To Be TT: Pardon? GA: Furthermore Which Rose Have You Chosen To Be This Time GA: The Stupid Rose Or The Smart Rose TT: I'm a little busy. GA: It Sounds Like You Are Attempting To Be The Smart Rose This Time GA: Please Take Note Of The Subtle Scorn Underlying The Selection Of The Word Attempting GA: Smart Rose Should Get A Kick Out Of That GA: Smart Rose Is All About Subtle Scorn Isnt She TT: That sounds about right. GA: Whereas Dumb Rose Doesn't Capitalize Letters Even When Discussing The Proper Names Of Human Monsters In Earth Cinema GA: I Think You Should Establish A Greater Commitment To A Single Roleplaying Scenario TT: Honestly, I was looking forward to playing along and reading your Dumb Rose script for our next conversation. TT: But it turned out there was a perfectly logical explanation for it all. TT: Imagine my disappointment. TT: While I imagine yours, once you finally catch on. GA: I Suddenly Dont Understand Anything GA: What Are You Talking About TT: I'd love to explain in detail and cause some sort of time paradox. TT: But you see - and this revelation may be as startling as any - TT: I'm a little busy. GA: I Believe I Understand GA: It Was I Who Did Something To Provoke Your Scorn In A Previous Conversation GA: One Which I Have Not Had Yet TT: Yes, that is definitely a conclusion you have just now drawn. TT: The only thing left to do is ride out the next several conversations while you maintain that understanding. TT: And while I maintain the chilly facade you have grown to so enjoy from Smart Rose. TT: Which shouldn't be too difficult, because... have I mentioned? TT: I'm busy. TT: Goodbye. GA: Fine
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GC: D4V3 D4V3 GC: 1 F1N4LLY GOT 1T TG: oh hell GC: 1 F1N4LLY F1GUR3D 1T OUT GC: ONC3 4ND FOR 4LL GC: TH1S 1S YOU!!!!!!! GC: http://tinyurl.com/D4V34NDBRO43V3R GC: FFFF444444444444H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4 GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4 TG: that TG: ok thats pretty amazing GC: 4H4H4H4H4H4H44H4H4H4H4 GC: OH GOD 1T 1S SO P3RF3CT GC: JUST 4 COOL DUD3 4ND H1S BRO R1GHT TH3R3 GC: 4DV3NTUR1NG THROUGH T1M3 GC: 4ND PL4Y1NG P1NB4LL GC: 1N BRO H34V3N TOG3TH3R GC: T3LL M3 TH4T 1SNT SO FUCK1NG P3RF3CT GC: >8] TG: hey speaking of which TG: where is my bro anyway TG: havent seen him at all since i got here TG: davesprite doesnt know TG: you can see everything that goes on right TG: or like smell it or whatever TG: how does that even work TG: how do you use a computer and know whats going on it doesnt make sense TG: my face doesnt make sense GC: D4V3 YOUR *F4C3* DO3SNT M4K3 ...... GC: D4MM1T TG: hahaha GC: BUT 4CTU4LLY YOUR F4C3 *DO3S* M4K3 S3NS3 GC: TO MY NOS3 GC: 4ND MY TONGU3 >:P TG: ew GC: 1M SORRY D4V3 TH4T YOU W1LL N3V3R 3XP3R13NC3 TH3 S3NSORY BOUQU3T TH4T 1 3NJOY 3V3RY D4Y GC: TH4T 1 3NSCONC3 MYS3LF 1N L1K3 4 W4RM 4ND COMFY B4THROB3 M4D3 OF FL4VOR 4ND M3LODY TG: oh ok TG: so the dumbest and most far fetched explanation imaginable ok got it GC: 4NYW4Y 1 DONT KNOW WH3R3 YOUR BRO 1S GC: 4S F4R 4S 1 C4N T3LL YOU N3V3R S33 H1M 4G41N B3TW33N NOW 4ND TH3 R1FT GC: TOO B4D H3 WONT BE 4ROUND TO B41L YOU OUT 4G41N L1K3 H3 D1D WH3N YOU 3NT3R3D!!! TG: man dont remind me about that TG: so embarrassing GC: 1TS OK 1 WONT T3LL JOHN 4BOUT 1T GC: 1 KNOW TH4TS WH4T YOUR3 WORR13D 4BOUT TG: ok cool GC: BUT LOOK YOU DONT N33D TO B3 UPS3T 4BOUT NOT H4V1NG YOUR BRO TO L34N ON 4NYMOR3 TG: whos upset TG: bout time the dude gave me a little space GC: BLUH OK WH4T3V3R YOU S4Y BUT TH4TS NOT TH3 PO1NT GC: TH3 PO1NT 1S 1 W1LL H3LP YOU 1NST34D D4V3 GC: 1S TH4T COOL >:] TG: i guess GC: 1 KNOW 3V3RYTH1NG TH4TS GO1NG TO H4PP3N TO YOU GC: 1 C4N T3LL YOU B3FOR3 1T H4PP3NS GC: SO YOU C4N B3 R34DY GC: 4ND NOT H4V3 TO GO B4CK 1N T1M3 4ND G3T K1LL3D 4LL TH3 T1M3 GC: 4ND ST4ND ON 4 TO1L3T LOOK1NG 4T YOUR OWN BLOOD FOR T3N M1NUT3S TG: alright so whats next GC: F1RST YOU GO THROUGH TH3 G4T3 GC: 4ND WH3N YOU GO THROUGH YOU W1LL GO TO 4NOTHER PL4C3 1N YOUR W1LD CH3RRY L4V4 L4ND GC: 4ND YOU W1LL QU1CKLY M33T SOM3 FR13NDLY CROCOD1L3S GC: TH3Y W1LL TRY TO 34T YOU GC: BUT TH4T 1S JUST TH31R W4Y OF B31NG FR13NDLY! GC: YOU SHOULDNT B3 SC4R3D TG: why would i be scared GC: D4V3 PL34S3 GC: YOU 4R3 CRY1NG L1K3 4 L1TTL3 BOY GC: 1TS 1S H4PP3N1NG R1GHT H3R3 1N FRONT OF MY NOS3 GC: YOUR T34RS T4ST3 D3L1C1OUS GC: K1ND OF L1K3 GC: L1K3 SOM3TH1NG YOU WOULDNT KNOW 4BOUT GC: 4 TROLL D3L1C4CY C4LL3D COTTON C4NDY TG: we have cotton candy dumpass GC: >8O
From what i heartell youve been through a bit of an adventure by the time youre reading this. Thats so great. I love adventure and i would bet my bottom boonbuck you do too. I think we are birds of a feather john. I am pretty eager to meet you. Oh yeah i should have mentioned we are going to meet some day. I hear you like movies is that right john? I love movies too. Have you ever seen weekend at bernies? So friggin hilarious. Its hard to talk to jade about movies because she doesnt really know about movies but im sure you know that. Boooring. Ha ha just kidding jade you know i love you and i think youre a blast.
Okay speaking of jade we spent quite a long time working on this present for you. It was a big team effort. Okay i had to do quite a lot of arm twisting to get her to go along with helping me make such an oddball present for you and so well in advance. But i had my arm sort of twisted myself to get this going in the first place. But then she came around to the idea because she can see the future! Pretty amazing if you ask me. Itll all be clear later. Gadzooks with all this arm twisting ive been getting a good workout. We should wrestle when we meet john. I love to wrestle but i dont get a chance to wrestle with anyone that much. Do you like to get into fisticuffs john? Scrums and what not? Me too.
Anyway you should listen to jade from here on out john because she sure seems to know whats best for you. Whatever your adventure throws at you im sure shell tell you you can handle it. She believes in you.
even though its super late and you probably went through a lot of trouble to get it, i really hope this present cheers you up! you looked so sad while you were reading my letter. um... which is to say, the one you are reading now. i can explain!!!
you see, when i go to sleep, in my dreams i wake up on the moon of a planet called prospit. by now you must know about this place! i have lived there in my dreams most of my life and i made so many friends there over the years. and you were there too! but you were asleep. the fact that you are awake now i think means all my friends are in trouble. you are awake because it is your job to help them. we will both help them!
but ummm..... i know these things because while i was on the moon, whenever it passed through skaia i could see lots of things in the clouds. the past, the future, stuff about our friends, and stuff about you! now that you are awake, and apparently at the center of skaia (??? WOW!!!) you should be able to see stuff in the clouds too. maybe you already have!
about this present! my penpal helped me work on it. he included a letter too! hes really funny and silly, i like him a lot and i think you would too. it took a long time between the two of us. and sure the present looks like a fun and completely ridiculous thing to get, but it is also really important! you are getting it exactly when you need it most. maybe thats hard to believe but its true! i saw it happen already. i dont see everything john, and i definitely dont know everything thats going to happen. but when i do know something, i always try to do my best to help people in the future! when im supposed to that is. youll get the hang of it.
john i am REALLY looking forward to seeing you when you wake up!!!!! its been nice playing with my prospitian friends and all, but also kind of lonely knowing you were in the other tower sleeping and having lousy dreams. :( im not sure where i am when you are reading this but im sure ill make it down to where you are soon! (jeez how did you get down there??? oh well ill find out) i cant wait to fly around the moon with you and show you all my favorite places. itll be so much fun!!!!!!!!! :D
I typed a really long recap. Then some other stuff happened.
GC (gallowsCalibrator) helped John fly to the second gate, which took him to Rose's world, LOLAR. He crashed into Rose's room, where he found her asleep. He snooped through her room, and Dave tricked him into giving him the code to duplicate Rose's writing journals. John opened the package Rose made for his birthday. It contained the bunny from Con Air, the same one John got from Dave, but older and dirtier, and modified with Rose's knitting. She'd had the bunny since she was very young.
John leaves Casey the salamander (Bubbles Viceroy Von Salamancer) in the room. He briefly speaks with GA (grimAuxiliatrix) from Rose's computer, and pretends to be Rose. She believes he is, triggering a convoluted series of conversations between her and the real Rose in both the past and future, in no particular order. GA gets help with her computer from TA (twinArmageddons) in time to see Rose at her computer, having woken up.
Before she woke up, Dream Rose was awake on Derse's moon. She now had memories from her future self's doomed alternate reality. She flew to Dream Dave's tower, and got his attention with a ball of yarn, causing real Dave to fall asleep. They had a dream dance party. Dream Rose threw Dream Cal out the window. Bro's rocket board caught Dream Cal. AR? followed the board and Cal to a transportalizer on Derse, which lead to a meteor lab in the veil.
Meanwhile on LOLAR, Rose's mom defeated a huge monster. The pony, Maplehoof, followed her and collected the grist windfall. Both mom and the pony then transported to the meteor lab. John's dad found a clean hat John had deposited into a parcel pyxis. Dad followed Jade's grandpa, who was carrying John's Sassacre book, into some ruins. They both transported to the meteor lab too. Meanwhile, John used the grist collected by the pony to make a normal sized version of a giant hammer, Fear No Anvil, which Davesprite gave him the code for. Dream Rose saw John on Dream Dave's computer, and woke up. She went out to see him, but he had already blasted off. He took the mutant kitten, Vodka Mutini (Doctor Meowgon Spengler), with him.
John found the ruins that mom and the pony went into. He went in and killed some powerful monsters with his new hammer. He transported to the meteor lab as well.
In the lab he found no one, except the pony. Some other stray items were on the floor. Dad's dirty hat, the Sassacre book, Dream Cal. He found some apparatus used to genetically engineer footsoldiers and agents for the white and black armies from chess piece DNA. He also found a junior ectobiologist's lab suit, and a series of terminals much like those the exiles would find in the far future. He would use this apparatus to create paradox clones of himself, his friends, and their guardians.
Meanwhile AR? surfed bro's rocket board to a different meteor containing the frog temple that would later root itself near Jade's island. Inside he found the same time capsule she would find later. He also found some more lab equipment used for ectobiology. This equipment would soon be used to create Becquerel, a mutated combination of the genes from an ordinary dog in the early 20th century, and the DNA code in one of Rose's journals. AR? hides in the lab when he hears one of Jack's henchmen, the Draconian Dignitary. DD is carrying Rose's duplicated journals which he stole from Dave, and Dave's beta which was used as a bookmark. He discards the beta into the time capsule. Millions of years later (from the capsule's perspective) Jade would retrieve that beta and use it to connect with Dave, allowing him to enter the medium.
Dave created the journal duplicates after an extensive alchemy binge. Rose too had a similar alchemy session, and both kids upgraded their weapons and gear. Rose made a pair of needlewands, crossed with her grimoire, and took up the art of dark magic. She used this magic to burn her journal, thus destroying the genetic code. She was advised to do so by the gods of the Furthest Ring, whom she was now able to communicate with in her dreams. The gods live far beyond the veil, and advise the children of the moon of Derse, and serve as the counterpart to the role Skaia plays for the children of Prospit's moon. They deemed the code which would inevitably be used to create Becquerel to be dangerous.
Dave decided to destroy his copy too. But when he went back to his room, he discovered they were stolen. He also found his own dead body, which apparently was him from the very near future attempting to go back in time and stop the thief, DD. Dave decided not to attempt any more time travel, and disposed of the body. GC (gallowsCalibrator) discussed the matter with him, and pledged to help him by telling him his future along the way, so that he would not have to face the death of more future selves, or suffer the sort of embarrassment he went through while entering the medium.
Previously unseen, the way Dave entered the medium was as follows. As the large meteor was bearing down on his city, Dave climbed the radio tower on top of his building with his broken sword in hand to reach the nest built by the Crowsprite. The sprite guarded the egg, which unknown to Dave, simply needed time to hatch before he could enter. The sprite pecked his head and he fell. He was saved by bro's rocket board. Meanwhile, bro was on top of the meteor, riding it as it descended. He used his sword to chop it in half, splitting it into two pieces, diverting the initial impact from their building to two separate impact sites. He thus bought a little more time for the egg to hatch, which it did, just before their location was consumed by the blasts.
On Prospit's moon, PM? prepared to depart for the Battlefield at the center of Skaia, to seek the king's counsel on what to do with the queen's ring. She was tailed by another of Noir's lackeys, the Courtyard Droll. CD picked her pocket and stole the ring. PM? departed via shuttle to Skaia. Dream Jade then clobbered CD, and recovered the ring. She tried it on, but its power has no effect on humans. Later, CD would travel to the Battlefield and continue tailing PM?.
The Battlefield is a planet at the center of Skaia. It undergoes a transformation with each player that enters the medium, and each new prototyped kernel introduced. It starts as a simple 3x3 chessboard with two kings in perpetual stalemate, and expands to a larger board and more exotic collection of pieces with the first player entering. Then it become a much larger cube with the second player. And then an even larger sphere, with oceans, trees, mountains and pastures with the third. It presumably will transform again with the fourth.
The armies of the black and white kingdoms duel there. Soldiers are airlifted from meteor facilities in the veil to supply the manpower. Enormous mutant chess-like monsters stalk the landscape. The two kings command their armies from the field. They each have a scepter that serves a similar purpose to the queens' rings. When activated, a scepter causes a king to be a giant, and bear the properties of all the prototypings. A king is able to deactivate a scepter, to hand it off to another so that they will not be affected in that way. When the black king captures the white king's scepter, the Reckoning begins. The Reckoning sends all the meteors in the veil toward Skaia, in stages. First the small ones, then gradually, the bigger ones, over a 24 hour period.
There was a Warweary Villein on the Battlefield who was a simple farmer and was tired of the conflict. WV? united a band of soldiers from both armies to lead a rebellion against the black king. Before they could attack the king, Jack Noir, now empowered by the black queen's ring, intercepted the coup. He destroyed the king's scepter, and killed the king. Jack then killed the entire rebellion army, sparing only WV?. Perhaps to leave a survivor to tell the story, or perhaps out of respect for a fellow mutineer. Only he knows. Meanwhile, PM? met with the white king. He disabled his scepter, and gave it to her along with his crown. PM? now had the crowns of the white king and queen, and the white scepter, but discovered she had misplaced the white queen's ring. Jack's muscle, the Hegemonic Brute, had been tailing the white king. HB then followed PM?, and attacked her. She dropped the scepter off a cliff. She would regroup and chop off HB's head with the regisword Jack gave her to kill the white monarchs. CD, who had been tailing both of them, recovered the white scepter, and delivered it to Jack. Jack used it to initiate the Reckoning, and would proceed to go on a more extensive rampage, devastating the Battlefield and Prospit.
Back in the meteor lab, John began the ectobiology session which appeared to have been prepared for him in advance by the guardians who had just been there. The four monitors were all locked onto the kids' guardians at certain points in time, each on the day of one of the kid's "birth". On Jade's birthday, nanna was locked onto in John's neighborhood, by the Betty Crocker factory. The meteor carrying baby Jade crashed into the factory and destroyed it. Her grandpa, the owner of that factory, would adopt her. John's dad witnessed, and would spend years investigating. On Dave's birthday, grandpa was locked onto while he was on his yacht, pioneering the island for the first time. He was sailing with baby Jade. Overhead, there was the meteor carrying baby Dave, which would crash into bro's favorite record shop. On Rose's birthday, bro was locked onto as he stood over the crater where he would find baby Dave. He would give him a tiny pair of pointy shades. Overhead, there was a meteor carrying baby Rose, which would land in a lake and destroy it. Rose's mom would retrieve and adopt her. Months later, on John's birthday, mom would bring Rose to John's neighborhood to investigate the destruction of grandpa's factory, and related stellar phenomena. The target was locked on her. Dad came out of the family joke shop to greet her, leaving nanna inside. The meteor carrying baby John destroyed the shop, killing nanna. Dad would adopt John, and Rose's mom disappeared. Dad retrieved her scarf, and filed the clue away for his ongoing investigation.
John attempted (unwittingly) to appearify all four guardians. But since removing them from those moments would have caused a paradox, he instead paradoxified their ghost slime imprints. This slime was collected into two pairs of containers. One pair collected nanna and granpa's slime. The other pair collected mom and bro's. The device then created baby paradox clones of the four guardians. These babies would then later be sent back in time to become those guardians themselves.
Once those four clones were created, another sequence activated. The two pairs of slime tubes emptied into vats below. The nanna/grandpa slime mixed together, and separately, the mom/bro slime mixed together as well. An additional four paradox clones were created from those two slime concoctions. Baby John and Jade were created from the nanna/grandpa slime. Baby Rose and Dave were created from the mom/bro slime. These four babies would also go back in time to become the four kids, via meteors, in the sequence and on the dates listed above.
All eight babies would each ride their own meteors, launched from the veil after Jack started the Reckoning, and into the defense portals deployed by Skaia to protect itself. The defense portals each lead to Earth, as Skaia defends itself, in a way, by sacrificing Earth. While most meteors are sent to the time period when the kids begin the game, many lead to a number of different time periods. Some thirteen years prior to the game (used by the kids), some nearly a century prior (used by nanna and grandpa), some millions of years ago (used, eventually, by the frog temple meteor), and some to the far future (used by the exiles).
And all eight of them would travel with an object or animal. John with his Sassacre book, which would become the much older-looking family heirloom stored in dad's safe, with Nannasprite's inscription to John on it. Rose with the dirty bunny Dave gave John for his birthday. Dave with the pony, Maplehoof. Jade with the knit-repaired bunny Rose got John for his birthday, which Rose cherished since "birth". Nanna with dad's dirty hat. Mom with Mutini (Meowgon). Grandpa with two flintlock pistols which older Grandpa left behind for him in the lab (which would eventually both wind up in Jade's room). And bro with Dream Cal, which would later be fitted with a new personalized shirt, and would become real Cal, the same doll that would haunt Dave's waking life, and consequently, his dreams.
All of these babies and their items would automatically be transported to their own meteors at the onset of the Reckoning. John made absolutely sure to give baby Rose and Jade their bunnies when he saw an opportunity to reenact a scene from one of his favorite movies, much to the dismay of a watching CG (carcinoGeneticist).
While AR? was in the frog temple lab, he would see more of young nanna and grandpa's story. On 4/13, 1910, exactly 99 years prior to John's "birth", baby nanna's meteor destroyed a bakery owned by Betty Crocker. Nanna was adopted by Crocker's husband, Colonel Sassacre, and taken to live in his mansion. 8 days later, grandpa's meteor destroyed the dog house belonging to Sassacre's dog, Halley. Halley was elsewhere, and was unharmed. When Sassacre and nanna went to investigate the crater, Sassacre was shot and killed accidentally with one of grandpa's pistols. Halley then showed up (who young grandpa would tend to pronounce "Harley" due to his speech impediment), and would largely serve as their guardian for the next 13 years, with presumably some parental influence from the wicked Crocker. On his 13th birthday, grandpa would run off with Harley to find adventure. Nanna would stay behind, contend with the batterwitch, and master the art of baking as well as take up her deceased grandfather's tradition of pranksterism.
Harley was locked onto by the frog temple's equipment. DD activated the device, and produced a paradox clone of Harley combined with the controversial MEOW code to create puppy Bec. The spectacle terrified AR?, leaving a major impression on him. He would recognize Bec's silhouette carved on WV's pumpkin years later. The pumpkin commanded his fear, and caused him to surrender.
Meanwhile, the grown-up versions of mom and dad were on board a flying battleship belonging to grandpa, who piloted it toward Skaia. Dad gave mom her long discarded scarf, from the day he lost his mother and found his son. The two guardians traded gestures of affection.
Jade remained asleep through it all, trying to stay on the moon as long as she could until she figured out how to wake John up. She talked about this with AT (adiosToreador), who revealed he preferred his dream life on Prospit more than any aspect of the game, and regretted all the trolls' dream selves were now dead. Jade expressed surprise at the notion of dream self mortality.
After Jack used the full power of the ring to devastate the battlefield and the two armies, he turned his attention on Prospit, inflicting severe damage the same way. He then cut the chain connecting the moon to Prospit, sending the moon plummeting through the atmosphere of Skaia, and breaking up in the process. Dream John, still asleep, fell out of his tower and drifted down ahead of the falling moon. Dream Jade flew to intercept him, and spent a moment attempting to wake him before the moon's collision was imminent. At the last minute she flung Dream John out of the blast radius, but was not able to clear the blast herself. She died.
The blast left a massive crater on the Battlefield. This was the first thing Dream John saw when he woke up.
The death of Dream Jade caused her dreambot to malfunction and explode, destroying her room. Still asleep, Jade fell from her tower as Bec watched from a distance, and an enormous meteor loomed overhead.
Elsewhere, on Dave's world LOHAC, bro dueled with Jack briefly. It was a stalemate, until bro plunged his sword into the large floating record platform they were fighting on. This released a mysterious energy from the cracks. Bro escaped.
Rose completed her final GameFAQS walkthrough entry, and used magic to seal it in a server in the Furthest Ring, to be accessed by players in worlds beyond their own. She had destroyed her first gate on a whim, and resolved to search for answers to remedy the hopelessness of their doomed session. Meanwhile, Dave entered his first gate, riding into it with his awesome skateboard, Unreal Air.
The four exiles arrived on Earth years after its apocalypse, but years before they found their respective command stations. WV wrapped himself in John's dream blanket, which became dirty and unrecognizable over time. He found it along with a Jack-like doll on the Battlefield, which formerly sat in Dream John's bedroom, haunting his dreams. WV? ripped it apart. PM wrapped herself in a Prospit banner, which too faded in time. AR wrapped himself in caution tape, using his own supply, as well as some fresh rolls he was lucky enough to discover near the ruined frog temple in one of grandpa's old crates. This was after he escaped that same temple in the medium, and found the meteor lab in which John slept. That meteor then took off for Skaia, via the Reckoning. AR? taped John to the rocket board, and cast him off before the meteor went through a portal. Thus AR became exiled. WQ exiled herself with an entourage on a royal cruiser, and landed on Earth. She departed on a solo quest, leaving her people to their own devices. She discovered her command station, a large egg, broken in two pieces in the two large craters made by Dave's split meteor. She used a key to repair the egg station, and teleported to the present location of the exiles, the frog ruins at night, 413 years after the apocalypse of Earth.
On the Battlefield, Dream John found Dream Jade's body. He was sad and confused, and took her ring as a keepsake. Later, grandpa would land his ship on the Battlefield, find and recover her body, and use it to create a stuffed trophy as a memorial, as per the proud family tradition. He would depart in his ship, and leave mom and dad behind.
John saw a vision in a cloud directing him where to go. It was a castle where he would rendezvous with PM?. PM?, after beheading HB, used his radio to summon Jack. He came, and she traded the two white crowns for the green box, Jade's present to John. He appeared pleased to uphold the bargain, either out of the misunderstanding that he was still under control of its contents, or out of respect for PM?'s tenacity and brutality in pursuing the prize. Only he knows.
PM? delivered the package to John, and then left, not thrilled by the trials caused by its recovery. John opened it to find letters from Jade, and her pen pal, who helped her make the present for him over several years. The gift was the pen pal's idea, and he himself was coerced into the plan by someone else. The box contained a modified version of the stuffed bunny John had received for his birthday twice already. it was the same knit-repaired bunny John sent back in time with baby Jade, and she presumably kept it as a cherished childhood toy ever since. It was now upgraded with mechanical parts, fully mobile and autonomous. It was also included with four powerful weapons, the Royal Deringer (broken sword), the Quills of Echidna (wands), Ahab's Crosshairs (rifle), and the Warhammer of Zillyhoo (hammer). Each was shrunken down to be "bunny sized".
As John mourned Jade's death over her letter, he was interrupted by Jack's sword. Jack was after the ring. But the heavily-armed mechanical bunny intervened, recognizing John as its new master. Jack, knowing the danger of the toy, was forced to retreat.
Finally, a cloud showed John what he was supposed to do with the ring. It was held by a mysterious black hand. In the far future on Earth, the exiles gathered around Exile Town. WQ asked WV for something. WV revealed he had been storing the complete, quad-prototyped ring in the sleeve of his Trusty Knife. It had been there all along, much to Serenity's surprise.
This young troll stands in his respiteblock. It just so happens that today, the 12th bilunar perigee of the 6th dark season's equinox, is the day of this young troll's larval awakening, also known as his wriggling day. Though it was six solar sweeps ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!
Six Alternian solar sweeps, for convenient reference, is equivalent to thirteen Earth years.
Earth, also for convenient reference, is a planet that does not yet exist.
You enter something predictably derogatory and this guy gets fed up by your shenanigans in record time.
This guy has a lot of troll pals and their adventures are going to be quite extensive and convoluted, to an even greater degree than one perhaps may be accustomed. He thinks that if you think that we have time to drag out every little gag and expected pattern along the way, you've got another thing coming. He thinks you should cram that sobering understanding in your chitinous windhole, and tamp it down hard with your ugly stupid looking cartilage nub.
Your name is KARKAT VANTAS. As was previously mentioned, it is your WRIGGLING DAY, which is barely even worth mentioning. It is an anniversary, if anything, to lament the faults of your existence, of which there are assuredly plenty.
Equally plenty, and somewhat related to that topic, are your INTERESTS. You have a passion for RIDICULOUSLY TERRIBLE ROMANTIC MOVIES AND ROMCOMS. You should really be EMBARRASSED for liking this DREADFUL CINEMA, but for some reason you are not. You like to program computers, but you are NOTORIOUSLY PRETTY AWFUL AT IT. Your programs invariably damage the machines on which they are executed, which is just as well, since you like to believe you specialize in COMPUTER VIRUSES. When you mature, you aspire to join the ranks of the most lethal members of your society, the THRESHECUTIONERS. You like to practice with your REALLY COOL SICKLE, but just wind up looking like KIND OF A DOOFUS BY YOURSELF IN YOUR ROOM.
You like to chat with some of your other troll pals, most of which drive you BATSHIT UP THE FUCKING BELFRY. You have been trying out a new chat client beta called TROLLIAN, and you are NOT REALLY SURE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT IT YET. Your trolltag is carcinoGeneticist and you speak in a manner that is ALMOST EXCLUSIVELY ORNERY, ALL THE TIME.
Later, you will play a game with 5 other friends, and go on a big adventure with them. This game, for convenient reference, is a game that DOES NOT YET EXIST.
It is your RECUPERACOON full of nourishing SOPOR SLIME. Every young troll enjoys the cozy embrace of such a vessel each night, and the relaxing ooze helps assuage the terrible visions of blood and carnage that plague the dark subconscious of your species.
Ok, it's time to get serious here. Sweet Troll Jegus. Let's get real and get down to some major business.
You space out and get caught up reading the titles of the films for about five minutes. Wow these movies are great. You don't care what anyone says. Pure magic.
Is that...
Is that John Cusack?
The thing that most people don't realize is that John Cusack is a universal constant.
You grab your trusty SICKLE with your ENCRYPTION MODUS. To retrieve it, you'll need to hack the code to open the CARD VAULT left behind.
This will obviously prove to be a completely ridiculous and untenable way of managing an inventory, and lead to a great many follies. Later on, you would swap your modus with your hacker friend, a guy who unlike you happens to be competent with programming. It would only make sense.
But for the time being it makes your life kind of a nightmare. There are so many stupid things that happen because of this modus. So many, you just have no idea.
It is a thick programming manual called "~ATH - A HANDBOOK FOR THE IMMINENTLY DECEASED."
~ATH is an insufferable language to work with. Its logic is composed of nothing but infinite loops, or at best, loops of effectively interminable construction.
The above page in the intro section documents the simplest possible ~ATH code structure. Any code deviating from this basic structure will not compile.
You have a whole bunch of code samples you've been messing around with on your computer. It's been frustrating at best, and debilitating to your machine at worst.
You step outside your respiteblock, onto one of your hive's numerous extraterraneal landing slats. You were allowed to design this hive when you were young, after you emerged victorious from your trials deep in the brooding caverns. You have lived here with your CUSTODIAN ever since.
It's almost as if your people have placed great cultural importance on teaching children to become architecturally adept while very young. It has been this way since ancient times. No one seems to know why that is.
Getting to build your own hive at a young age using whatever meandering design you chose likely has left you jaded to the notion of customizing your abode. You certainly wouldn't get all that worked up about a game that happened to allow you to do such a thing.
The lawnrings are empty. Blood skims the voids in your porous cranial plates, as if grazing the hollow of a threshed stem, or say, an abandoned cocoon. A sour note is produced. It's the one Agitation plays to make its audience squirm.
It is your sixth wriggling day, and as with all five preceding it blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
You don't have time for fancy poetry. It's almost as useless as those arm-swing flappy things on mailboxes, assuming you even knew what those were, which you don't. Trolls don't have mail. Mail is almost as useless as poetry to them. Poetry is the swing arm flappy dealy of words, and mail is the red tilty lever doodad of giving people shit.
Frankly you don't know about things skimming voids or grazing hollows or whatever. You've got AMBITION. You were meant to be a bigshot. To be in charge of something huge and really important, and to be totally ruthless about it. You just haven't found the dominion in which you're destined for greatness yet. Or even a vague concept of it. You haven't found your purpose. But you will tonight.
You stew in your own impotent aggravation in the cool dusk breeze. During the dark seasons, it remains dusk for most of the day. It can stay dark for many bilunar perigees at a time. But even if it didn't, you would still have this feeling...
You head back into your block and hit up your computer station. No word from any of your loudmouth pals. No news is good news. Sweet music to your auricular sponge clots.
It is a DVD of one of your favorite series, THE THRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR.
It's about a green threshecutioner cadet who sasses up the bluebloods in his flaysquad pretty good. Their blood is literally blue. Lousy snobs. But Troll Will Smith shows them all how to loosen up. He is pretty much your hero.
Troll TV shows have shorter titles than troll movies because TV is a much newer form of media in their society. Which is a good thing because it would be pretty hard to make this funny joke otherwise.
Ok enough messing around time to get some work done maybe a little programming or oh god.
It figures that installing this new beta chat client would open the floodgates. All your moron friends are going to be hounding you relentlessly. Not that they needed an excuse before.
|PESTERLOG|
terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
TC: wHaT iS uUuUuP mY iNvErTeBrOtHeR? CG: WHAT IN THE SWEET ALMIGHTY TAINTCHAFING FUCK DO YOU WANT. TC: NoT a MoThErFuCkInG tHiNg BrO. TC: oThEr ThAn I bE cHeCkIn OuT hOw My BeSt MoThErFuCkIn FrIeNd Is At Yo. CG: I REALLY CAN'T STAND YOU AND I HATE HOW YOU TYPE, IT JUST BOTHERS ME SO MUCH, HAVE I MENTIONED THAT? TC: YoU SaY iT pReTtY mUcH eVeRy TiMe We TaLk YeAh. TC: but uh, i don't have to... TC: uhhh see? TC: but i mean man this feels so motherfuckin unnatural and shit. TC: YoU jUsT gOt To Be GoInG wItH wHaT fEeLs RiGhT aT wHeRe YoUr HeArT's Up In, YoU kNoW? TC: bEsT fRiEnD. CG: I WONDER WHAT KIND OF SHITTY THING I DID TO DESERVE SUCH AN AWFUL BEST FRIEND. CG: OR MAYBE WHAT TERRIBLE THING I'M GOING TO DO AND GET PUNISHED FOR IN ADVANCE. CG: MAYBE I'M JUST LIKE PREEMPTIVELY THE WORST FUCKING PIECE OF TRASH WHO EVER LIVED AND DON'T EVEN KNOW IT YET, BUT HEY LOOK, YOUR FRIENDSHIP IS EXHIBIT A I GUESS. TC: It'S sUcH a BeAuTiFuL tHiNg. TC: ThIs TrOlL dIsEaSe CaLlEd FrIeNdShIp. CG: FRIENDSHIP ISN'T A DISEASE SHITSPONGE. CG: IT'S LIKE... CG: A MISTAKE. CG: A BIG JOKE OF NATURE. TC: iT's A mIrAcLe. CG: OH NO, DON'T. CG: DON'T START WITH THE MIRACLES AGAIN. TC: MaN eVeRyWhErE i LoOk... TC: aLlS i SeE iS mOtHeRfUcKiN mIrAcLeS. TC: It'S sO sPiRiTuAl, AlL tHeSe mIrAcLeS aNd ShIt. TC: oK lIkE jUsT bE tAkIn tHiS fUcKiN tItS bOtTlE oF fUcKiN fAyGo I jUsT cRaCkEd Up OpEn. TC: AnD hOw It'S bEiNg AlL lIkE hIsSiNg AnD sHiT. TC: mOtHeRfUcKiN hIsSiNg MaN, wHo WeNt AlL aNd ToLd It To Do ThAt? TC: HoW wOuLd It EvEn Do ThAt, It'S cRaZy. TC: iT's A mIrAcLe. CG: IT'S CARBONATION YOU IGNORANT DOUCHE. CG: TRY GETTING SCHOOLFED SOME TIME INSTEAD OF SLURPING DOWN THAT WEIRD SWILL ALL DAY AND FONDLING YOUR STUPID HORNS. TC: No No BrO, i DoN't WaNnA kNoW, dOn'T eVeN tElL mE. TC: kNoWiNg ShIt JuSt StEaLs Up AlL tHe FuCkIn MaGiC fRoM mY mIrAcLeS lIkE a MoThErFuCkIn ThIeF. TC: AnD tHaT aIn'T cOoL. CG: THE ONLY MIRACLE IS THAT YOU LIKE THAT DISGUSTING SLUDGE, WHERE DO YOU EVEN GET THAT STUFF. CG: IT'S ALSO A MIRACLE HOW YOU DRESS LIKE AN IMBECILE AND ARE BASICALLY THE STUPIDEST ASSHOLE I'VE EVER KNOWN. CG: ACTUALLY YOU'RE RIGHT, THERE ARE MIRACLES EVERYWHERE, I'VE BEEN A FOOL. TC: sEe MaN, i Am StRaIgHt Up TeLlInG yOu. TC: MiRaClEs. TC: iT's LiKe, AlRiGhT, cOmPuTeRs, RiGhT? TC: WhAt ThE fUcK? TC: mIrAcLeS iS wHaT. CG: FUCK YOU. CG: FUCK YOU FOR ME JUST READING THAT. TC: AnYwAy WhAt'S uP wItH yOuR bAd SeLf, FoR sErIoUs HeRe. TC: iSn'T sOmEtHiNg BiG aLl GoInG dOwN? CG: WHAT? TC: i HeArD sOmEtHiNg bIg WaS gOiNg AlL dOwN. TC: JuSt AlL bE tElLiNg Me AlL wHaT mOtHeRfUcKiN iT's Up AnD aLl AbOuT. CG: STOP SAYING ALL. ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT TA'S THING? TC: yEaH!! fUcK yEaH mAn, So MyStErIoUs. TC: I'm NeVeR bEiNg GeTtInG cEaSeD tO bE aMaZeD bY aLl ThEsE fUcKiN mYsTeRiEs LiFe'S gOt FoR uS. CG: UUUUUUGH. CG: ANYWAY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S UP WITH THAT. CG: MAYBE I'LL TALK TO HIM TONIGHT ABOUT IT. MAYBE I WON'T. CG: IT'S PROBABLY JUST ANOTHER ONE OF HIS PROJECTS THAT WINDS UP BEING COMPLETELY USELESS AND A HUGE WASTE OF MY TIME. TC: yEaH mAyBe BuT hE's YoUr BeSt FrIeNd ThOuGh So It'S aLl CoOl. TC: AnYwAy I tHoUgHt ThIs SoUnDeD lIkE a PrEtTy BiG mOtHeRfUcKiN dEaL mY mAn. TC: aAaUuUhHh... CG: WHAT. TC: Aw BrO nEvErMiNd, I jUsT fUcKiN dId LiKe To ScArE tHe ShIt OuTtA mYsElF hErE. TC: tHeSe DaMn HoRnS. CG: YOU'VE GOT TO GET RID OF THOSE THINGS. CG: THEY MAKE IT MORE EMBARRASSING TO KNOW YOU. CG: WHICH IS A FRIGGIN MIRACLE THAT THAT'S EVEN POSSIBLE. CG: LIKE, WOW, GOD SURE COOKED UP A DOOZY THERE. CG: TWINKLY EYED SON OF A BITCH JUST KEEPS YOU GUESSING, DOESN'T HE. TC: MaN yOu KnOw YoU wAnNa GiVe My HoRnS a GoOd SqUeEzE. :o) CG: ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHAT WILL BE THE MIRACLE TO END ALL MIRACLES? CG: IT'LL BE IF I EVER MEET A KID I DESPISE MORE THAN YOU. CG: THAT WILL MAKE ME A MOTHERFUCKIN CONVERT. CG: I'LL SEE LIGHT SO BRIGHT I'LL NEED GC TO WALK ME AROUND SO I DON'T BUMP INTO SHIT. CG: SIGN ME UP FOR YOUR IDIOTIC CLOWN RELIGION OK. TC: hAhAhAhA yOu fUcKiN gOt It BrOtHeR!
Whoa what the motherfuck, who's this motherfuckin' motherfucker?
It's cool, life is like that sometimes. It's full of mysteries. You'll be doing one thing then something else hits you just like that and you roll with it. That's what you do when life hands you lemons. You sure as fuck don't make lemonade because who the fuck knows where that fuckin' shit comes from?
You get pretty excited by CLOWNS OF A GRIM PERSUASION WHICH MAY NOT BE IN FULL POSSESSION OF THEIR MENTAL FACULTIES. You belong to a RATHER OBSCURE CULT, which foretells of a BAND OF ROWDY AND CAPRICIOUS MINSTRELS which will rise one day on a MYTHICAL PARADISE PLANET that does not exist yet. The beliefs of this cult are SOMEWHAT FROWNED UPON by those dwelling in more common lawnrings. But you don't care, you got to be going with what feels right at where your heart's up in, you know? You like to practice on your ONE WHEEL DEVICE, which you are GOD AWFUL AT because your FEET DO NOT REACH THE PEDALS. You enjoy a FINE BEVERAGE, and like to do A LITTLE BAKING SOMETIMES. You've got ALL THESE HORNS all over the place, and sometimes you step on them and SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF YOURSELF.
You like to chat a lot with your pal Karkat, who is usually pretty cranky, but he is your BEST FRIEND. You have a lot of OTHER GREAT FRIENDS who you also like a lot. Your trolltag is terminallyCapricious and you speak in a manner that is JuSt A lItTlE bIt WhImSiCaL.
You decide to give this diabolical contraption another shot. Maybe one of these days you will get one more suited to your proportions. For now this is all you have to work with.
You just have to figure out how to stay on the thing without flying off the handle.
|PESTERLOG|
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]
GC: H3Y G4MZ33Z YOU W4NT TO PL4Y G4M3Z3Z W1TH M3?? TC: hEy YeAh ThAt SoUnDs LiKe ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN sHiT's BiTcHtItS! GC: >8\ GC: 1T SUR3 1S H4RD TO 1GNOR3 TH3 W31RD TH1NGS YOU S4Y SOM3T1M3S! GC: BUT 1M GONN4 GC: TH3 ONLY R34SON 1M 4SK1NG YOU 1S B3C4US3 YOUR N4M3 1S L1K3 G4M3 GC: 4ND NO OTH3R R34SON GC: G3T 1T??? >:] TC: HaHa WeLl I hEaRd Of WoRsE fUcKiN rEaSoNs To Be GeTtIn AlL aBoUt To Do SoMeThInG. TC: :o) hOnK GC: NO TH4T SHOULD BOTH3R YOU, TH4T R34SON GC: WHY DONT TH1NGS L1K3 TH4T BOTH3R YOU?? GC: NO WOND3R V4NT4S C4NT ST4ND YOU GC: BUT WHO C4R3S 4BOUT H1M, W3R3 GO1NG TO H4V3 SOM3 MOTH3RFUCK1NG SH1TTY B1TCH3S PL4Y1NG TOG3TH3R! GC: OR WH4T3V3R YOU S41D TC: sO iS tHiS tHe GaMe I'vE hEaRd AbOuT? TC: ThE bIg MyStErY? GC: Y34H TC: wHoA oK uHhH... TC: ThIs Is GoInG tO bE fUcKiN iNsAnE. TC: bUt CaN wE pLaY a LiTtLe LaTeR? TC: I'm OuTsIdE kEePiNg An EyE oUt HeRe FoR tHe OlD gOaT. TC: yOu KnOw HoW iT iS wItH fAmIlY. GC: NO, NOT R34LLY! GC: 4DURRRR DURR DURP TC: Oh YeAh... GC: DURRRRRRRRRRRRR GC: W4Y TO GO, HOW DO3S TH4T STUP1D BOTTL3D SYRUP OF YOURS T4ST3 W1TH YOUR HOOF SO F4R UP YOUR MOUTH??? GC: >:] TC: sOoOoOoOrY. TC: AnYwAy I'lL gO iNsIdE iN a WhIlE, wHy DoN't YoU gEt KaRkAt To FiRe Up ThAt MoThErFuCkEr WiTh YoU? TC: hE lIkEs GaMeS. GC: OH NOOOOO. GC: GOD C4N YOU 1M4G1N3 4LL TH3 B1TCH1NG 4ND MO4N1NG? GC: 1 US3D TO TRY TO PL4Y STUFF W1TH H1M BUT WOW D1D 1 L34RN MY L3SSON. TC: AlRiGhT, wElL i'Ll TrY tO gEt In AnD gEt Up On My ChIlL rEaL sOoN aNd We CaN pLaY. TC: jUsT gIvE mE a MiNuTe! GC: BULLSH1T! GC: YOU KNOW YOUR3 JUST GO1NG TO S1T TH3R3 ON TH3 B34CH 4ND SP4C3 OUT 4ND LOS3 TR4CK OF T1M3. GC: H3LLO? GC: G4MZ????? TC: WhAt? TC: oH mAn SoRrY. TC: I sPaCeD oUt, DiD yOu KnOw HoW bEaTuFuL tHe SoUnD oF tHe OcEaN iS? TC: hAvE yOu EvEr EvEn SeEn ThE oCeAn? TC: oR i MeAn SmElLeD iT... TC: SoRrY. GC: >:[
Finally some peace and quiet. Now you can bear down on your coding. This will surely last all evening, without interruption.
You reopen one of your ~ATH projects you started recently. You are still horsing around with the conditions for terminating the loops.
What many ~ATH coders do is import finite constructs and bind the loops to their lifespan. For instance the main loop here will terminate on the death of the universe, labeled U. That way you only have to wait billions of years for it to end instead of forever.
You have bound a subloop to the lifespan of the code's author, which is you. Any routine at the end will execute when you die. You figure this might be handy for coding something to release a final will and testament. Or maybe some doomsday virus. You spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make the perfect doomsday virus.
Conveniently absent from ~ATH's extensive import library are entities with short lifespans. Like a rapidly decaying particle that only lasts a millisecond sure would be handy. Or even a fruit fly or something. But no, coding with this language is all about finding ways to trick it into doing what you want.
Your hacker buddy is obnoxiously good at it. He's sent you some files which you still don't understand, but you're not going to admit that. He is even better at making viruses than you, which really gets stuck in your nook.
This code, when executed, immediately causes the user's computer to explode, and places a curse on the user forever, along with everyone he knows, and everyone he'll ever meet.
Not surprisingly, later on you would run this code in a fit of stupidity.
You don't know how he does stuff like this. What does this even mean? It's nonsense. Is it even syntactically viable?? Are you allowed to color text like that??? ARGH. Maybe you should ask him about it some time.
Oh speak of the devil. Here he is bugging you about something. Time to put on your game face and pretend you don't think very highly of his abilities.
|PESTERLOG|
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
TA: KK dont fliip your 2hiit about thii2 but iim 2ettiing you up two play a game wiith 2ome people. CG: WHY WOULD I FLIP MY SHIT ABOUT THAT. TA: becau2e you fliip your 2hiit about everythiing. CG: WELL WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS. CG: HERE IS MY SHIT, AND YET IT REMAINS UNFLIPPED. CG: JUST SITTING THERE ON THE SKILLET, GETTING BURNED ON ONE SIDE. CG: IT'S A MIRACLE. TA: oh no are you iinto miiracle2 now two becau2e iif you are youre fiired preemptiively from the game. CG: FUCK NO. TA: ok niice. CG: MIRACLES ARE LIKE POOP STAINS ON GOD'S UNDERWEAR. TA: eheheh makiing fun of people2 reliigiion2 i2 the be2t thiing two do. CG: THAT'S WHY HE HIDES THEM, THEY'RE FUCKING EMBARRASSING. CG: GOD LAUNDERS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS. TA: eheheheheh riight on but let2 2hut our mouth2 a 2econd and talk about thii2 game. TA: iitll only be a 2econd really you dont have two do two much. CG: OK, GOOD, BECAUSE I'M PRETTY BUSY TONIGHT. CG: WHAT IS THIS THING ANYWAY, WHY ALL THE SECRECY. TA: well the 2hort 2tory ii2 that iit2 an iimmer2iive 2iimulatiion that you play wiith a group. TA: the long 2tory ii2 that the fate of our ciiviiliizatiion depend2 on u2 playiing iit. TA: heh ii gue22 the long one wa2 2horter than the 2hort one FUCK. CG: THAT SOUNDS LIKE MELODRAMATIC BULLSHIT BUT COMING FROM YOU COLOR ME UNSURPRISED. TA: 2crew you vanta2 thii2 2hiit2 more real than kraft grub2auce. CG: RIGHT OK. CG: SO YOU MADE THIS GAME? TA: no no. TA: more liike ii adapted iit. CG: FROM WHAT. TA: 2ome crazy technology AA dug out of 2ome ruiin2. TA: havent you talked two her about iit? CG: MAN, NO. CG: I CAN'T TALK TO HER, SHE'S SO SPOOKY. CG: I DON'T KNOW WHY MOST OF OUR FRIENDS ARE SUCH PSYCHOS. TA: probably iit2 becau2e mo2t troll2 are. TA: iif you heard what ii heard every niight ii mean WOW FUCK. CG: NO LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR WEIRD MUTANT BRAIN. CG: AND DON'T SCAN MINE OR WHATEVER, IT'S OFF LIMITS YOU DOUCHE. TA: ii told you liike a biilliion tiime2 ii cant do that you nub2lurping fuckpod. CG: WHY ARE YOU TWO UP TO THIS SECRET STUFF. CG: WHY HAVEN'T YOU TOLD ME ANYTHING ABOUT THIS? TA: KK iim 2orry but really iit2 kiind of a priivate matter between me and her and iid appreciiate iit iif that wa2 re2pected. CG: OH GOD. CG: STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE. CG: IT'S A REPUGNANT QUALITY. TA: ok how about you take your own adviice you are 2uch a blubberiing hypocriite. TA: youre lucky iim 2o fuckiing magnaniimou2 and chariitable cau2e otherwii2e there2 no chance iid wa2te my tiime on you. CG: WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT, THIS ACT THAT YOU ACTUALLY THINK YOU'RE A HOTSHOT, YOU KNOW YOU HATE YOURSELF. TA: nobody hate2 hiim2elf more than you iidiiot. CG: YEAH WELL I HATE YOU WAY MORE THAN I HATE MYSELF, AND THAT'S FUCKING SAYING SOMETHING. CG: IN FACT I HATE YOU MORE THAN I HATE MYSELF AND YOU HATE YOURSELF AND YOU HATE ME COMBINED. TA: oh fuck that noii2e iin every leakiing oriifiice iit2 got you know ii hate the combiined product of you and my2elf more than you could ever begiin two hate me and my2elf and you and your2elf on your wor2t day 2o FUCKIING DEAL WIITH IIT. CG: OK, TIME OUT FOR THE IDIOT. CG: THE IDIOT GETS A TIME OUT AND SHUTS UP FOR A SECOND. CG: THAT'S YOU. CG: JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO ABOUT THIS GAME. TA: ok well iill 2end you a download 2oon. TA: iim 2ett1ng up two team2. TA: liike two 2eparate competiing team2 2o that there2 a better chance of at lea2t one group wiinniing. TA: and al2o ii gue22 two 2ee which one can wiin fa2ter. CG: OK LET ME GUESS. CG: THERE'S A RED TEAM AND BLUE TEAM, RIGHT? TA: yeah. TA: youre on the red team. TA: ii wiill be the leader of the blue. CG: OK, THEN I GUESS I CAN PICK MY TEAMMATES THEN? TA: uh... TA: bro youre not the red team leader. TA: ii piicked GC for that. CG: WHAT???????????????????? TA: dude ii diid NOT thiink youd be iintere2ted iin thii2 dont act all offended. CG: OH WOW NOW I SEE. CG: REALLY FUCKING CLEVER, PICKING THE BLIND GIRL TO LEAD THE TEAM YOUR COMPETING WITH. CG: I KNEW YOU WERE CHEATER LOWLIFE FUCKING SCUMBAG WITH NO SCRUPLES OR SELF ESTEEM AND WERE BASICALLY WORTHLESS ON EVERY LEVEL, BUT SOMEHOW I'M STILL DISAPPOINTED IN YOU. TA: yeah ii am 2uch an iidiiot for not rewardiing your bubbly per2onaliity and iimpeccable people 2kiill2 wiith a leader2hiip giig. TA: what an iincon2iiderate knuckle2ponged a22hole ii have been. CG: I AM A HATCHED LEADER AND YOU KNOW IT. TA: ii know your fiilthy 2eedflap ii2 flutteriing iin the profane breeze that2 2hootiing out your 2tiinkiing meal tunnel. TA: ii do know that much. CG: HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF YOUR COCOON IN THE MORNING KNOWING YOU'RE THE WORST THING A UNIVERSE WAS EVER RESPONSIBLE FOR? CG: ALSO IT MUST BE HARD WITH YOUR HANDS TO PERSISTENTLY BOTHERING EVERY MUTATED SET OF GENITALS PEPPERING THAT GHASTLY HUSK YOU PAWN OFF AS A BODY. CG: HAS A FEMALE EVER LOOKED AT YOU WITHOUT AT ONCE TURNING SKYWARD AND ERUPTING LIKE A VOMIT VOLCANO, ANSWER ME THAT. TA: thii2 ii2 2o iimmature, iim ba2iically ju2t laughiing here at how iimmature you are. TA: liike ii really giive a fuck who the red leader ii2. TA: you want two be the leader fiine talk two GC about iit. CG: I GUESS THESE CONVERSATIONS WE HAVE DO GET KIND OF EMBARRASSING IN RETROSPECT. CG: ARE WE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE BECAUSE OF STUFF I SAID. TA: eheheheh you LIITERALLY a2k me that every tiime are you jokiing. TA: ii cant even tell anymore. CG: IT'S A JOKE MORON. CG: HONESTLY I'M JUST GLAD NOBODY ELSE IS PRIVVY TO OUR CONVERSATIONS. CG: ACTUALLY WHY DON'T WE MAKE A PACT TO DELETE THIS ONE FROM OUR LOGS, I'M JUST SHUDDERING HERE SCROLLING UP AND READING THIS. TA: yeah ok.
Sounds like someone downstairs is getting pretty crabby. This is not an encounter you are looking forward to. You'll probably put it off as long as you can manage.
You are pretty enthusiastic about dragons. But you have a PARTICULAR AFFECTION for their COLORFUL SCALES, which you gather and use to decorate your hive. Though you live alone, deep in the woods, you surround yourself with a variety of plushie pals known as SCALEMATES. You often spend your days with them in rounds of LIVE ACTION ROLE PLAYING. You used to engage in various forms of MORE EXTREME ROLEPLAYING with some of your other friends before you had an accident.
You take an interest in justice, holding particular fascination for ORCHESTRATING THE DEMISE OF THE WICKED. You have taken up study of BRUTAL ALTERNIAN LAW, and surround yourself with legal books. You have no need for copies printed in TROLLBRAILLE, because you can SMELL AND TASTE THE WORDS. You hope one day to join the honorable ranks of the LEGISLACERATORS. Your trolltag is gallowsCalibrator and you SP34K W1TH TH3 NUM3R4LS TH3 BL1ND PROPH3TS ONC3 US3D.
You are presently the leader of the RED TEAM, poised to begin a mysterious game with 5 other friends, in direct competition with another 6 of your friends, comprising the BLUE TEAM.
It's pretty hard to live action role play when there is no one who is alive nearby. But all of your Scalemates are alive to you.
At least you pretend to believe that to annoy people.
You prepare a new campaign for one of your favorite scenarios, COURTBLOCK DRAMA. His HONORABLE TYRANNY presides. On trial is an especially detestable fellow, SENATOR LEMONSNOUT. You have sparred with this scumbag before. Tonight he faces justice.
You will play the role of the prosecuting attorney. On Alternia, there is no such thing as a defense attorney, or a defense. In a courtblock, the word defense itself is offensive.
You don't want to slap too hard. Enough to sting, but not to bruise. It must be methodical, business-like. And persistent. You only stop when you smell tears.
Mr. Senator, you smell very nice. Your luscious yellow scales are like the sweetest gumdrops to the prosecution's nose.
But your deceit STINKS.
Did you honestly think you could dip your corpulent snout into the imperial beetle coffers like that and get away with it?? Did you think your revolting abuse of the public trust would go unnoticed??? THINK AGAIN, GOOD SENATOR. WHILE THE PROSECUTION MAY BE BLIND, REST ASSURED THE LEAGUE OF LEGISLACERATORS SEES ALL.
Oh, well played, Lemonsnout. Well played. The prosecution's key witness, murdered. How convenient! The courtblock has little choice but to acknowledge your cunning. You have earned just a teensy sliver of your respect back. For now.
The prosecution begs your pardon, dear senator, but you appear to have dropped something. A personal satchel, perhaps? CHOCK FULL OF ILLICIT, EMBEZZLED BEETLES, WITH WHICH YOU HAVE THE UNMITIGATED CHEEK TO WALTZ BEFORE HIS TYRANNY, CONCEALED BENEATH YOUR ILL-GOTTEN FINERY??????
The prosecution requests a short recess from His Honorable Tyranny so that all law abiding and Mother Grub fearing citizens may go outside and puke.
As the prosecutor, it is your job to reach a final verdict and sentence the reprehensible felon, while His Tyranny watches in silence and submits grim approval.
But you take pity on this miserable bureaucrat. You are feeling merciful. You will give him a fighting chance.
You will flip a DOUBLE-HEADED TROLL CAEGAR to decide his fate. You do this quite often when making important decisions. Kind of like Batman's nemesis, Two-Face. Or that guy from No Country for Old Men. It turns out there are lots of badasses out there flipping coins. But those are Earth things and you've never heard of them. It's safe to say you borrowed this gimmick from one of the many, many troll things out there that's got hard boiled dudes flipping coins for major stakes. You base the habit on whichever one smells the most badass.
Another triumph for justice. The courtblock is adjourned. You offer final salutations to His Tyranny in the customary manner.
Ok, that's not customary at all. You're just kind of weird.
It's just that your red chalk is THE MOST DELICIOUS CHALK. You cannot get enough of it. Anyone who says there is a more delicious chalk out there simply reeks of deceit.
You take your WALKING CANE, which you use as a weapon kind of like Earth Daredevil who you've never heard of. You will use it to wallop enemies when you enter the Medium.
Your nose begins scouring your chumproll through the saliva smears on your monitor for potential teammates so you can start playing. Hmm, no not her. Nope, not her either. DEFINITELY not that guy.
Ok how about this girl. You like to roleplay with her sometimes via chat. You pretend you are a member of the mysterious and noble DRAGONYY'YD RACE, while she does her own goofy thing.
You don't have it in your heart to tell her that your chat RPing is meant f4c3t1ously I mean facetiously.
|PESTERLOG|
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]
GC: *GC L4NDS ON YOUR WH3LP1NG STOOP 4ND R4PS ON YOUR C4V3 W1TH H3R NOBL3 4ND 3L3G4NT T4LON* GC: *4ND ONC3 W1TH H3R M1GHTY SNOUT FOR GOOD M34SUR3* AC: :33 < *ac saunters from her dark cave a little bit sl33py from the recent kill* AC: :33 < *ac uses one of her mouths to lick the fresh blood off her paws* AC: :33 < *and the other one to blow you a kiss!* GC: >8O GC: *GC W1TH 4 M1GHTY WH1SK OF H3R M1GHTY T41L PLUCKS TH3 K1SS OUT OF TH3 41R M1GHT1LY* GC: *GC POCK3TS TH3 K1SS 1N H3R 3NCH4NT3D RUCKS4CK FOR L4T3R, TO DO SOM3TH1NG M4G1C4L, L1K3 M4K3 GOBL1N W1SH3S COM3 TRU3* AC: :33 < *yes! ac finds that to be a most admirable use of a kiss!* AC: :33 < *she thinks that goblin wishes n33d to come true too just like any other kind of purrsons wishes* AC: :33 < *ac begs your pardon while she rips apart this tasty beast to prepare a meal for her cubs* GC: *GC 3Y3S THE B34ST HUNGR1LY 4ND M1GHT1LY* AC: :33 < uh oh! GC: *GC 3Y3S THE CUBS HUNGR1LY!* GC: *4ND M1GHT1LY* GC: *3SP3C14LLY M1GHT1LY* AC: :33 < dont you dare! AC: :33 < i mean AC: :33 < *ac shouts dont you dare!* AC: :33 < *indignantly* GC: *BUT 1T 1S TOO L4T3! GC SCOOPS UP 4 PLUMP CUB W1TH H3R GL1ST3N1NG M4J3ST1C T41L 4ND FL13S OFF M4G1C4LLY* GC: *TH3 1NNOC3NT CUB 1S CRY1NG 4ND CRY1NG 4ND CRY1NG* AC: :33 < *ac says noooooooo and looks a bit crestfallen* AC: :33 < *ac gets a clever idea to slake the majestic dragons mighty hunger* AC: :33 < *she prepares the lions share of the slain armored cholerbear for gc* GC: >:? *GCS M4GN1F1C3NT CUR1OS1TY H4S B33N P3RK3D* GC: 1S 1T 4 BULL CHOL3RB34R?? GC: OOPS *SH3 4SK3D TH4T* AC: :33 < *ac pawses a moment and nods knowingly with a couple of smug grins on her face* AC: :33 < *she confirms it is ind33d the bulliest of bears!* GC: *GC 1NST4NTLY LOS3S 1NT3R3ST 1N TH3 PUNY CUB 4ND DROPS 1T TO TH3 GROUND F4R B3LOW!* AC: :33 < *but as it happens the really cute cub lands in a bush safe and sound, whew!* GC: *GC'S 4L4RM1NG 4ND SPL3ND1F3ROUS G1RTH S3TTL3S OV3R THE SUCCUL3NT CHOL3RB34R ST34K* GC: *WH3N SH3 F1N1SH3S TH3 S4VORY R3D M34T SH3 L1FTS H3R PROUD W1S3 H34D 4ND OP3NS H3R GR34T B1G MOUTH 4ND SP34KS TH3 4NC13NT TONGU3 OF 4 THOUS4ND W1SDOMS* GC: *SH3 S4YS:* GC: H3Y DO YOU W4NT TO PL4Y 4 G4M3 W1TH M3? AC: :33 < *ac crinkles up her nose and prepares for a really unprecedented marathon of baffling feline obstinacy* AC: :33 < *her dragonyyydy suitor will make neither rhyme nor reason of her purrplexing behavior for even an instant!* GC: NO NO TH4T W4S 4 R34L QU3ST1ON GC: W4NT TO PL4Y 4 G4M3?? AC: :33 < oh! h33h33 AC: :33 < ok if you mean a computer game then yes that sounds like fun GC: OK YOU C4N B3 ON MY T34M AC: :33 < team? AC: :33 < who else is playing? GC: 1 H4V3NT D3C1D3D Y3T GC: 4 WHOL3 BUNCH OF US 1N TWO T34MS AC: :33 < oh AC: :33 < well it does sound like it will be a lot of fun but i think i should get purrmission first GC: BL4R!!!!! GC: TH4TS SO STUP1D GC: H3S NOT TH3 BOSS OF YOU AC: :33 < i know! AC: :33 < but still im kind of scared of him and i think purrhaps its best to just run it by him first so there isnt a kerfuffle about it or anything GC: TH1S 1S STUP1D 1N SUCH 4 T3RR1BL3 MYR14D OF DUMB W4YS GC: YOU SHOULDNT B3 4FR41D OF 4NYON3 GC: YOU K1LL B1G 4NIM4LS W1TH YOUR B4R3 H4NDS! GC: 4ND 1N 4NY C4S3 H3 L1V3S NOWH3R3 N34R YOU SO TH3 WHOL3 TH1NG 1S 3XTR4 STUP1D AC: :33 < i knooow AC: :33 < but i dont think itll be a big deal AC: :33 < ill just mention it casually and itll be fine im sure and then we can play in just a little bit! GC: >XO GC: F11111N3 GC: 1N TH3 M34NT1M3 1 W1LL GO ROUND UP SOME MOR3 P3OPL3 TO PL4Y AC: :33 < k!
|PESTERLOG|
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]
GC: H3Y G4MZ33Z YOU W4NT TO PL4Y G4M3Z3Z W1TH M3?? TC: hEy YeAh ThAt SoUnDs LiKe ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN sHiT's BiTcHtItS! GC: >8\ GC: 1T SUR3 1S H4RD TO 1GNOR3 TH3 W31RD TH1NGS YOU S4Y SOM3T1M3S!
You then proceed to have the rest of this conversation we already read. No luck in getting this guy to play with you right now either.
Oh no. Not Karkat. You were only going to ask him as a last resort. You wonder what he wants? You will try to avoid mentioning the game. Hopefully he hasn't caught wind of it yet.
|PESTERLOG|
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]
CG: HEY GUESS WHAT, BIG NEWS. CG: LIKE HOLY SHIT STOP THE PRESSES THIS IS A HUMONGOUS DEAL SORT OF NEWS. GC: BL44444RRRRR WH4T 1S 1T CG: YOU'RE NOT THE RED TEAM LEADER. CG: THAT'S ME. CG: I'M THE LEADER. CG: IT'S BEEN DECIDED. CG: ON AN OFFICIAL BASIS. GC: OK SO 1 GU3SS 1M SUPPOS3D TO M4K3 4 B1G ST1NK 4BOUT TH1S 4ND S4Y W4H W4H 1 W4NT TO B3 TH3 L34D3R >:[ >:[ >:[ CG: WHAT, NO. CG: I MEAN YOU CAN BUT IT WON'T DO ANY GOOD BECAUSE I'M THE LEADER AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO EVACUATE THROUGH YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE ON THE MATTER. GC: W3LL 1T M4Y SURPR1S3 YOU TO KNOW TH4T 1 DONT G1V3 4 CR4P WHO G3TS TO B3 L34D3R B3C4US3 UNL1K3 YOU 1 4CTU4LLY H4V3 4 FUCK1NG SM1DG3N OF M4TUR1TY 4ND S3LF R3SP3CT CG: THAT'S A LIE, YOU'RE MORE OF A MELODRAMA SPAZ QUEEN THAN ME AND YOU KNOW IT AND THIS STUFF YOUR SAYING IS A PRETEND STUNT. CG: YOU'RE LIKE A ROCKET PROPELLED SPAZ MAGGOT SPRINGLOADED UP THE ASS OF A PSYCHEDELIC FUCKING FREAKOUT WEASEL ON IDIOT DRUGS SO LETS NOT PLAY MAKEBELIEVE GAMES HERE. CG: LEADER. CG: ME. GC: UUUUUUUUHNG GC: K4RK4T 1 DONT C444R3 GC: YOU C4N B3 TH3 STUP1D L34D3R 1 JUST W4NT TO PL4Y TH1S G4M3 CG: OK, GREAT. CG: IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION I HAVE SELECTED YOU TO BE MY SECOND IN COMMAND. GC: R333334444LLY???? GC: SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON >;] <3 <3 <3 CG: FUCK YOU OFFER RESCINDED. GC: OK BUT S3R1OUSLY GC: 1 WOULD H4V3 SUGG3ST3D YOU B3 TH3 L34D3R BUT HON3STLY 1T COM3S W1TH S3R1OUS R3SPONS1B1L1T13S 4ND 1 W4SNT SUR3 1F YOU W3R3 UP TO 1T CG: HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT. CG: I'M AN INCREDIBLE LEADER WITH ALL KINDS OF PRIORITIZATION AND COMMAND SKILLS. CG: I'M GOING TO ROCK THE COCK OFF THIS WEATHERVANE AND THE BLUE TEAM WILL WISH THEY NEVER SLITHERED OUT OF THE MOTHER GRUB'S HEINOUS UNDULATING ASSHOLE. CG: SO JUST GIVE ME THE FULL BRIEFING, WHAT DO YOU KNOW. GC: OK TH3 TH1NG YOU N33D TO KNOW 1S TH3 L34D3R ST4RTS OUT BY RUNN1NG THE CL13NT 4PPL1C4T1ON GC: WH1L3 1 TH3 LOWLY S3COND OFF1C3R CONN3CTS TO YOU W1TH TH3 S3RV3R WH1L3 1 R3M41N G3N3R4LLY 1N 4W3 OF YOUR M4NLY GR4ND3UR GC: 4ND 1 S1T 4T MY COMPUT3R DO1NG M3N14L CHOR3S 1N SUPPORT OF YOUR H3RO1C 3SC4P4D3S WH1CH HON3STLY 1 DONT TH1NK YOUR3 R34DY FOR BUT WH4T3V3R CG: SEE THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. CG: THIS IS WHAT I WAS MADE FOR. CG: BEING IN CHARGE OF ADVENTURE, RUNNING AROUND AND STUFF, AND FUCKING SHIT UP LIKE A GODDAMN HERO WITH A RIPPERWASP IN HIS JOCK. CG: LET'S GET CRACKING HERE. CG: LAUNCH YOUR SERVER OR WHATEVER, I'LL INSTALL THE HERO PROGRAM. GC: TH3 CL13NT CG: YEAH. GC: OK 1F YOU 1NS1ST GC: F4R B3 1T FROM M3 TO STOP YOU FROM B31NG SO D4SH1NG 4ND COUR4G3OUS GC: 4ND TO B3 P3RF3CTLY HON3ST 4 L1TTL3 B1T H4NDSOM3 >:] CG: YES, EXACTLY. CG: NOW YOU ARE MAKING SENSE. CG: THIS IS THE KIND OF THING THAT SANE PEOPLE SAY. CG: KEEP AT IT, THERE'S HOPE FOR YOU YET. GC: OK 1LL TRY GC: 4NYTH1NG TO G3T YOU TO STOP B31NG SUCH 4 B4BY CG: WHAT'S A BABY. GC: OH GC: 1TS L1K3 4 MYTH1C4L L1TTL3 P1NK MONK3Y GC: SOM3TH1NG MY LUSUS DR34MS 4BOUT CG: I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T HAVE ONE. GC: 1 DONT GC: Y3T GC: 1M NOT 4LLOW3D TO CG: WHY NOT? CG: WHY HAVE YOU NEVER MENTIONED THIS ANYWAY? CG: HONESTLY TEREZI IT SOUNDS LIKE MORE FROTHING LOONEYBLOCK NONSENSE. GC: 1F 1 3V3R D1D H4V3 ON3 1T WOULD M34N TH3 WORLD W4S COM1NG TO 4N 3ND CG: OH THANK GOD YOU JUST SAID SOMETHING NORMAL, I WAS STARTING TO WORRY THERE. CG: WHEW BACK IN SANE LAND. GC: 1TS TRU3! >:P GC: 1 DONT COMPL3T3LY UND3RST4ND 1T BUT TH4TS WH4T 1T TOLD M3 CG: WE NEED TO GET YOU OUT OF THAT FUCKING TREE AND INTO A PROPER GODDAMN LAWNRING. CG: YOU'VE BEEN STUNTED LIVING UP THERE, BY THE WHISPERS OF FUCKING BARK GNOMES OR SOMETHING. CG: I THINK ONE OF MY NEIGHBORS WAS JUST CULLED RECENTLY, MAYBE YOU COULD LIVE THERE. GC: NO W4Y SCR3W L4WNR1NGS!!! GC: MOR3 L1K3 Y4WNR1NGS GC: 1 LOV3 MY TR33! GC: BUT YOUR3 W3LCOM3 TO V1S1T SOM3 T1M3 GC: 1TS 3SP3C14LLY N1C3 1N TH3 TH1RD 4UTUMN CG: OK WELL CG: SPEAKING OF THAT CG: I SHOULD GO DOWNSTAIRS AND DEAL WITH THIS GRUMPY CUSTOMER. CG: IT'S GOING TO FONDLE MAJOR SEEDFLAP, BUT HOPEFULLY IT'LL BE QUICK. CG: YOU CAN ESTABLISH YOUR CONNECTION AND DO YOUR TRIVIAL SIDEKICK STUFF I GUESS IN THE MEANTIME. GC: OK! >:D
|PESTERLOG|
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]
CG: YOU CAN SEE ME RIGHT. CG: TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE. GC: NO 1 C4NT S33 YOU DUMB4SS CG: OH YEAH. CG: ANYWAY, PRESS YOUR NOSE AGAINST YOUR SLOBBERY SCREEN AND TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE. GC: SM3LLS PR3TTY T3RR1BL3! CG: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU JUST TOOK A HARD DRAG OF MY LOAD GAPER WHICH FOR SOME REASON I HAVE DISCOVERED OUTSIDE ON THIS LITTLE ISLAND. GC: YOU M34N YOUR TO1L3T? CG: WELL OOH LA LA. CG: EXCUSE MY DISDAIN FOR YOUR BLUE BLOODED VERNACULAR. GC: WH4T COLORS YOUR BLOOD? CG: WHOA NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! CG: SERIOUSLY WAS THAT A SERIOUS QUESTION? CG: UNBELIEVABLE. GC: 1 W1LL F1ND OUT SOM3 D4Y CG: WHAT IS WITH YOUR OBSESSION WITH COLORS. CG: IT'S BAD ENOUGH YOU WASTE ALL MY HARD EARNED GRIST RAMBLING MY HIVE AROUND LIKE THAT NOT EVEN IN THE DIRECTION OF THE FUCKING GATE. CG: BUT THEN YOU GO AND SPEND IT ON AN UGLY PAINT JOB. CG: I KILLED A LOT OF IMPS FOR THAT GRIST. GC: K4RK4T, PL34S3 GC: DONT PR3T3ND YOU D1DNT 3NJOY GO1NG 4ROUND K1LL1NG TH1NGS GC: 4ND TH4T YOU WOULDNT 3NJOY K1LL1NG 4 WHOL3 LOT MOR3 GC: PR4NC1NG 4ROUND W1TH YOUR L1TTL3 S1CKL3 B31NG 4LL 4DOR4BL3 CG: YEAH RIGHT. CG: MORE LIKE... CG: ADORABLOODTHIRSTY. CG: I'M PRANCING AROUND BEING THAT, OK? GC: >:] CG: ANYWAY THIS IS AWFUL, THIS IS NO WAY FOR A LEADER TO BE TREATED. GC: SORRY TH1S 1S WH4T YOU W4NT3D GC: TH3 L34D3R 1S TH3 F1RST ON3 1N GC: TH1S 1S WH4T TH3 L34D3R 1S SUPPOS3D TO DO CG: NO, THIS IS NOT ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR WHAT BULLSHIT IS. CG: A LEADER SHOULDN'T BE AT THE MERCY OF THE HIVE RENOVATION WHIMSY OF A PSYCHOTIC BLIND GIRL. CG: WHEN DO I GET THE CHANCE TO FUCK UP SOMEONE'S HIVE. CG: I SHOULD BE THE NEXT ONE TO CONNECT TO A CLIENT. GC: NO YOU C4NT! GC: YOU H4V3 TO B3 TH3 L4ST ON3 TO CONNECT TO COMPL3T3 TH3 CH41N CG: MORE LIES. GC: TH1NK OF 1T TH1S W4Y GC: 1M YOUR S3RV3R PL4Y3R SO PR1OR1TY H4S TO B3 ON M3 G3TT1NG 1N TH3 G4M3 GC: B3FOR3 1 G3T K1LL3D BY M3T3ORS GC: 1N WH1CH C4S3 YOUD B3 SCR3W3D 1N TH3R3 GC: TH3N TH3 N3XT GUY COM3S 1N, TH3N TH3 N3XT GC: 4ND YOU BR1NG TH3 L4ST ON3 1N CG: WHOA WAIT, WHAT? CG: METEORS? CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. CG: WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH METEORS. GC: OH BOY YOU N33D TO G3T W1TH TH3 PROGR4M K4RK4T GC: H4V3 YOU T4LK3D TO 44 CG: 44 WHAT? GC: 4POC4LYPS34R1S3N SORRY CG: NO, OF COURSE NOT. GC: OR T4 GC: OR 4G 1 GU3SS GC: OR C4 GC: R34LLY TH3R3S L1K3 TH1S WHOL3 CONSP1R4CY 4BOUT TH1S GC: 4S 1M F1ND1NG OUT CG: WELL WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME SO I DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO ANY OF THOSE DOUBLETALKING ASSHOLES. GC: 1 C4NT! GC: 1 GOTT4 ST3P OUT OF TH3 TR33 FOR 4 MOM3NT GC: WH3N 1 COM3 B4CK 1 W1LL 3NT3R TH3 G4M3 GC: CY4!
We return to the Land of Pulse and Haze, so that we can rewind a bit. Before all that paint got slopped on your hive and before that mysterious hole was made.
Man how'd that hole get made??
(It was when Karkat ran TA's cursed ~ATH program and his computer blew up. That's what happened. We'll see this happen later. It will be startling and unexpected.)
You go downstairs and confront your custodian, which is another term for a frightening beast known as a LUSUS NATURAE.
Your lusus has looked after you since you were very young in lieu of any biological parents, whom you have never known. No young troll ever knows his or her blood parents, nor could such lineage ever be accurately traced. Adult trolls supply their genetic material to the FILIAL PAILS carried by imperial drones and offered to the monstrous MOTHER GRUB deep underground in the brooding caverns. She then combines all the genetic material into one diabolical incestuous slurry, and lays hundreds of thousands of eggs at once.
The eggs hatch into young larval trolls which wriggle about to locate a cozy stalactite from which to spin their cocoons. After they pupate, the young troll with his or her newfound limbs undergoes a series of dangerous trials. If they survive, they are chosen by a member of the diverse and terrifying subterranean monster population native to Alternia. This creature becomes the troll's lusus, and together they surface and choose a location to build a hive. The building process is facilitated by CARPENTER DROIDS left on the planet to cater to the young. But only for building. They're on their own otherwise.
The vast majority of adult trolls are off-planet, serving some role in the forces of ongoing imperial conquest, besieging other star systems in the name of Alternian glory. The culture and civilization on the homeworld is maintained almost entirely by the young.
You leap into the domestic fray in an attempt to mollify your nannying aggressor. After a lot of kicking and fussing and gnashing of teeth and carapace, you just pull out a few CHILLED ROE CUBES from the fridge to settle the beast down.
Trolls and their custodians have a peculiar arrangement of codependence. The lusus behaves as a lifelong bodyguard, caretaker, and visceral sort of mentor, while the young troll must learn to function as a sort of zookeeper.
We decide to agree this conflict is not a big enough deal to warrant a detailed examination of the action, or an embedded musical accompaniment. We also agree that while that would have been pretty sweet, we are also in kind of a hurry here. But if it were to be accompanied by something audible, it would probably sound something like this. We decide to listen to that track, close our eyes, and imagine what might have been.
There's this pretty cool dude, ok? Some people seem to think he's cool. Sometimes. He guesses they're right. I mean, maybe. If they say so. Actually, you know what? They're right. This guy's dynamite lit in a box of hot shit. Screw the haters. Anyway, he's standing around being all chill, like cool dudes are known to do sometimes, when they're not moping around or nursing migraines or whatever. A cool dude like this probably has a real cool name. Or at least a name that doesn't completely fucking suck. Like at least not the kind of name that belongs to someone you'd want to just perpetually wail on. Maybe just a name that makes you cringe a little, but you guess you can deal with it if you've got to. It's just a guy's name, it's not like it really matters. Who cares? But he probably wouldn't just tell you what it was if you asked. He'd be way too moody for that. In fact, this guy probably thinks you've got some attitude and probably doesn't want a damn thing to do with you.
You could always try to guess his name. But instead of that, here's a better idea. Why don't you just fuck off and go to hell?
It appears this cool and moody dude had a change of heart. He feels pretty bad about flying off the handle like that, as if shit wanted nothing to do with the handle. Shit would like to reconcile with the handle, and perhaps seek marital counseling.
You are apeshit bananas at computers, and you know ALL THE CODES. All of them. You are the unchallenged authority on APICULTURE NETWORKING. And though all your friends recognize your unparalleled achievements as a TOTALLY SICK HACKER, you feel like you could be better. It's one of a number of things you SORT OF BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT for NO VERY GOOD REASON during sporadic and debilitating BIPOLAR MOOD SWINGS. You have a penchant for BIFURCATION, in logic and in life. Your mutant mind is hounded by the psychic screams of the IMMINENTLY DECEASED. Your visions foretell of the planet's looming annihilation, and yet unlike the typical sightless prophet of doom, you are gifted with VISION TWOFOLD.
For now.
You have developed a new game, adapted via CODE PARSED FROM THE RUNES AND GLYPHS IN AN ANCIENT UNDERGROUND TEMPLE. You believe this game to be THE SALVATION OF YOUR RACE, though you are not sure how yet. To ensure success, you will distribute the game to two teams of friends, a RED TEAM and a BLUE TEAM. You will lead the latter group. Your trolltag is twinArmageddons and you tend two 2peak wiith a biit of a lii2p.
You are always up to your nook in the newest and hottest games. It is hard to walk around the place without squishing them. Whenever that happens you are screwed, and you have to grow a new one from scratch. Or just pirate it you guess.
But tonight is no night for games.
Well, ok, it is.
But just one game in particular, and this game is no joking matter. It is delirious bugnasty.
|PESTERLOG|
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]
TA: TZ you want two be the leader of one of the team2? GC: YOU M34N FOR YOUR G4M3 TO S4V3 TH3 WORLD? TA: yeah. GC: OK 1 P1CK TH3 R3D T34M!!! >8D TA: ok ii diidnt 2ay anythiing about a red team, or even that there were two team2, but fiine. GC: OBV1OUSLY YOU W3R3 GO1NG TO S3T UP R3D 4ND BLU3 T34MS COM3 ON TA: you dont know what iim goiing two do, 2top beiing a2 though you can read my miind. TA: iit2 not a power you have, your 2trength2 are beiing bliind and triickiing people about 2tuff. TA: and ii gue22 beiing generally 2avvy and pretty decent at other 2tuff, but that2 why iim piickiing you and not 2ome other fuckiing 2chlub from retardatiion row. GC: SOLLUX, PL34S3 GC: YOU 4R3 MR 4PPL3B3RRY BL4ST 4ND 3V3RYON3 KNOWS THOS3 4R3 YOUR F4VOR1T3 FL4VORS GC: 3V3N THOUGH YOU TYP3 1N YUCKY MUST4RD GC: WH1CH 1S W31RD >:\ TA: maybe there ii2 more two me than you thiink. TA: maybe ii am not the two triick hoofbea2t you want two make me out a2. TA: maybe ii ju2t want two giive the red and blue thiing a re2t for a change and not make iit 2o iit2 liike, oh look iit2 that prediictable fuck wiith tho2e two 2tupiid color2, iit2 amaziing how much everyone fuckiing hate2 hiim. TA: maybe red and blue arent that great and ii hate them 2uddenly, have you thought of that. TA: maybe iim more of an aubergiine guy plu2 whatever that putriid color is you type wiith, what ii2 that, turqoii2e? TA: maybe iit2 makiing me turquea2y. TA: maybe the new name for that color ii2 2ummer 2hiithead mii2t, have you con2iidered that? TA: but iim 2tiickiing wiith red and blue 2o maybe you 2hould 2uck on iit. GC: M4YB3 M4YB3 M4YB3 GC: M4YB3 M4YB3 1S 4 STUP1D WORD GC: M4YB3 TH4TS TH3 B1G M4YB3 W3 SHOULD 4LL POND3R TON1GHT GC: OV3R SOM3 HOT SHUT TH3 H3LL UP T34 GC: SO YOU TH1NK 1M S4VVY?? >:] TA: yeah ii thiink 2o. TA: piick out whoever you want for the red team and iill lead the blue team. TA: iill 2end you the download 2oon, talk two you later. GC: W41T! GC: M4YB3 YOU SHOULD T3LL M3 MOR3 4BOUT TH3 G4M3 F1RST? GC: HOW 3X4CTLY 4R3 W3 S4V1NG TH3 WORLD? TA: ii dont know yet. TA: ii ju2t know what iive 2een iin my vii2iion2. TA: that the world wiill end and our whole race diie2 and thii2 ii2 how we 2ave iit. TA: and aa can back me up on thii2 2o dont be all doubtiing me about iit. GC: 1 4M NOT DOUBT1NG YOU GC: 1 TH1NK YOU 4R3 R1GHT! GC: MOSTLY TA: mo2tly, what doe2 that mean? GC: W3LL WH3N YOU T4LK 4BOUT HOW YOUR3 GO1NG TO D13 TOO TA: ii am goiing two diie. TA: ii mean we all are. TA: but e2peciially me. TA: ii am goiing two get my a22 2erved two me twofold. TA: double the 2erviice. TA: liike two dude2 on doublebutler ii2land. TA: gettiing worked over by a 2iiame2e twiin ma22eu2e. TA: but before ii diie, iim goiing two go bliind liike you. TA: iit ha2 two happen liike that. TA: iim not 2ure why, but ii thiink iit2 liike... TA: fulfiilliing 2ome requiirement for a true prophet of doom. TA: iin order for the vii2iion2 two be riight, that ha2 two happen, and the uniiver2e wiill make 2ure iit wiill. TA: iit2 kiind of liike how a prophet earn2 hii2 2triipe2, by beiing bliind, liike how an angel earn2 iit2 wiing2. GC: WH4TS 4N 4NG3L TA: 2ome terriible mythiical demon. TA: wiith the2e awful feathery wiing2. GC: Y1K3S TA: paradox 2pace u2e2 them two u2her iin the end. GC: HOW DO3S 1T KNOW WH4T 4NG3L TO US3... ........ TA: huh?? GC: >:? TA: 2o yeah. TA: we wiill all diie but mo2t e2peciially me, end of 2tory. GC: BUT GC: DONT T4K3 TH1S TH3 WRONG W4Y BUT HOW C4N YOU B3 TOT4LLY SUR3 4BOUT 4LL TH4T? GC: HOW DO YOU KNOW SOM3 OF TH3 R34L V1S1ONS YOUR3 H4V1NG 4R3NT G3TT1NG K1ND OF T4NGL3D UP W1TH UHHH GC: SORT OF TH3 W4Y YOU 4R3 4BOUT YOURS3LF TA: what do you mean. GC: HOW YOU G3T MOP3Y 4ND YOUR3 4LW4YS TH3 V1CT1M OF SOM3TH1NG 4ND HOW SOM3T1M3S YOU TH1NK YOU SUCK WH3N YOU R34LLY DONT GC: M4YB3 TH4T 1S CLOUD1NG YOUR V1S1ON? TA: ok that2 ju2t 2ome per2onal priivate emotiional ii22ue2 and iim dealiing wiith that, and hone2tly iid appreciiate you not alway2 throwiing that iin my face every goddamn opportuniity you get. TA: liike thii2 ii2 a biig ciircu2 act two you, and that ii2 your 2peciial clown piie. GC: S33, GOD GC: SO S3NS1T1V3 TA: 2eriiou2ly talk two aa 2he wiill corroborate everythiing. TA: you and 2he are pretty tiight arent you? GC: NOT R34LLY 4NYMOR3 GC: SH3 US3D TO B3 4 LOT OF FUN GC: BUT NOW T4LK1NG TO H3R, 1 DONT KNOW GC: 1T JUST SOM3HOW 4LW4YS M4K3S M3 S4D >:[ TA: ok well toniight2 not about fun, thii2 ii2 2eriiou2. TA: deliiriiou2ly 2o. TA: we are iin 2meariiou2 2hiit2taiin ciity. GC: SCR3W YOU 4ND YOUR SH1TST41NS GC: 1 W1LL H4V3 4 FUCK1NG BL4ST 4ND YOU C4NT STOP M3 GC: BLU3 T34M 2222222CUM >:] TA: oh 2h11t 11t2 onnnnnn 2uck4.
|PESTERLOG|
apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]
AA: did y0u set up the teams TA: 2tiill workiing on iit but yeah more or le22. TA: we 2hould all be playiing 2oon. TA: and ii gue22 leaviing thii2 diimen2iion. TA: that ii2 what happen2, riight?? AA: yes TA: 2o ii gue22 you 2hould be pretty happy when we fiinally get out of here? AA: i d0nt kn0w ab0ut that TA: oh. TA: wiill you at lea2t be able two leave the voiice2 behiind? AA: i d0nt kn0w ab0ut that either TA: ii2nt that kiind of depre22iing? TA: the thought that they miight 2tay wiith you tiil you diie? AA: n0t really AA: im 0k with it AA: im 0k with a l0t 0f things AA: even 0ur inevitable failure AA: th0ugh it will briefly masquerade as vict0ry TA: wow FUCK. TA: that wa2 2o much more depre22iing than the thiing ii ju2t 2aiid. TA: terezii wa2 riight, you are 2uch a drag two talk two the2e day2. AA: she was right ab0ut a l0t 0f things TA: wow what a my2teriiou2 thiing two 2ay, ii am 2o iintriigued. TA: do me a favor and 2pare me your 2pooky conundrum2 twoniight, youre kiind of pii22iing me off. AA: but y0u like t0 talk t0 me AA: this a fact n0t a questi0n AA: they t0ld me TA: oh your 2ource2 have 2poken! TA: relay a me22age for me, tell them two go haunt my huge creakiing bone bulge. AA: why d0 y0u like t0 talk t0 me TA: oh ii dont know, maybe becau2e we are 2uppo2ed two 2ave the world twogether??? TA: ii al2o talk two you becau2e iin ca2e you havent notiiced ii de2pii2e my2elf and perpetually 2eek two dupliicate through emotiional paiin the cacophony of phy2iical paiin my hiideou2 mutant braiin cau2e2 me every day. TA: oh my god ii ju2t had a breakthrough!!! TA: thank you 2o much for thii2, iit wa2 great. TA: that wa2 a joke, here type "ha". AA: ha TA: now type iit agaiin. AA: ha TA: there you go, you are now offiiciially the liife of the party. TA: eheheh ii ju2t took an embarra22iing viideo of you cuttiing loo2e there, boy ii 2ure hope thii2 juiicy nugget doe2nt wiind up on the iinternet! AA: 0_0 AA: s0llux i actually w0uld like it if you were happy TA: ok. thank you for 2ayiing 2o. AA: y0u seem sad and angry all the time AA: what d0es anger feel like AA: i f0rg0t TA: have you ever been angry? TA: ii dont remember you gettiing angry about anythiing. AA: maybe i never was AA: i feel like i was th0ugh AA: 0nce TA: why dont you a2k karkat, he2 way angriier than me. TA: for that matter why dont you get on HII2 ca2e about iit iin2tead of MIINE. AA: i think his anger serves a greater purp0se AA: its part 0f his destiny and thus 0urs AA: it will help him t0 sab0tage his 0wn designs AA: which are very much in 0pp0siti0n t0 the br0ader purp0se AA: and will s0w the seeds 0f 0ur failure AA: a failure which will ir0nically pr0ve t0 be missi0n critical TA: iif you thiink we are goiing two faiil why wouldnt you get mad about that? TA: at the voiice2 2endiing you down thii2 bliind alley the whole tiime? AA: they never lied th0ugh AA: this is h0w it had t0 be AA: i have t0 be t0tally h0nest AA: th0ugh at n0 p0int did i ever lie AA: but thr0ugh 0missi0n AA: this game will n0t save the w0rld TA: the fuck?? AA: and th0ugh it is still very imp0rtant even in 0ur defeat AA: unf0rtantely it is much cl0ser t0 serving as the instrument 0f 0ur pe0ples demise than that 0f their salvati0n AA: and we twelve will behave simultane0usly as the pawns and the 0rchestrat0rs of the great und0ing TA: ii dont want two play anymore then. AA: y0u will th0ugh TA: fuck that ju2t watch, thii2 2hiit ii2 du2ted. TA: check me out, all du2tiing iit liike a 2aucy fuckiin maiid. AA: it cann0t be st0pped AA: mete0rs are en r0ute AA: y0u kn0w this s0llux TA: who care2, iim yankiing the grubtube on thii2 overpunctured biitch. TA: iim telliing red team leader two forget the whole thiing. TA: iim quiittiing a2 blue team leader. TA: iif you want two 2hamble through thii2 macabre fanta2y of your2 2olo be my gue2t. AA: y0u were never g0ing t0 be the team leader th0ugh AA: which is t0 say AA: the first t0 enter TA: are you me22iing wiith me?? TA: you do realiize iim p2ychiic two. TA: ii could pull 2o much triippy 2hiit out of my 2piinal creviice, iit would make your head 2piin liike dervii2h iin a fuckiing blender. TA: 2o GET OFF YOUR HIIGH HOOFBEA2T. AA: im c0ming up TA: huh??? TA: up where. TA: hello??????????????
|PESTERLOG|
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]
TA: hey change of plan, we arent playiing thii2 game anymore. TA: you dont have two bother recruiitiing, 2orry two wa2te your tiime. GC: 1M NOT TH3 L34D3R 4NYMOR3 GC: K4RK4T 1S TA: he ii2? GC: H3 THR3W 4 T4NTRUM 4BOUT 1T SO 1 L3T H1M B3 TH3 R3D L34D3R TA: ok that wa2 faiirly prediictable but that2 fiine. TA: iill talk two hiim about iit. GC: WH4TS GO1NG ON? TA: nothiing, thii2 game 2uck2 and aa ii2 full of crap. TA: 2orry about all thii2. GC: >:?
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
TA: hey change of plan, we arent playiing thii2 game anymore. CG: HEY. CG: GUESS WHO THE RED LEADER IS? CG: I'M THE LEADER. IT'S ME. CG: YOUR PLAN TO CRIPPLE YOUR RIVAL TEAM HAS FAILED. TA: ii know, 2he told me, ii dont care. TA: the game ii2 bad new2, iit wiill cau2e the end of the world, not 2top iit. TA: 2o forget iit, ju2t go back two whatever you were doiing. TA: wriitiing your 2hiitty code or whatever. CG: HAHAHA! SO PATHETIC. CG: THIS IS YET ANOTHER FEEBLE ATTEMPT TO WEAKEN YOUR OPPOSITION. CG: TEREZI AND I HAVE ALREADY ESTABLISHED A CONNECTION AND WE ARE MAKING GREAT PROGRESS HERE. CG: WE ARE A GREAT TEAM, AND I AM A FANTASTIC LEADER. CG: WE WILL BEAT THIS GAME IN NO TIME, WHILE YOUR TEAM IS CLEARLY STILL ASLEEP AT THE THORAX. TA: oh god. TA: no you iidiiot, ii dont care about the game anymore. TA: ii ju2t quiit, iim not playiing, you 2hould two. CG: AMAZING. CG: YOU'RE EITHER BEING REALLY PERSISTENT WITH THIS TRANSPARENT RUSE, OR YOU REALLY ARE JUST THAT SAD AND INCOMPETENT. CG: NEITHER CASE DESERVES MY RESPECT OR MY FRIENDSHIP. CG: IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT, FRIENDSHIP CANCELED. CG: THERE IT'S OFFICIAL, BYE BYE FRIENDSHIP! TA: oh liike you havent 2aiid that liike a biilliion tiime2. TA: you arent iin any po2iitiion two que2tiion my competence. TA: youre the wor2t programmer iive ever 2een, you dont know anythiing about computer2, why do you bother. TA: the only thiing youre good at ii2 yelliing and makiing huge mii2take2. TA: and beiing UGLY AND HORRIIBLE IN EVERY WAY, AND HAVIING 2TUPIID LIITTLE NUBBY HORN2. CG: TO BE HONEST I DON'T SEE WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT YOUR PROGRAMMING OR HACKING. CG: WHAT IS A HACKER EVEN? JUST SOME SMUG ASSHOLE IN MOVIES DOING FAKE THINGS AND MAKING UP WORDS. CG: IT'S NOT EVEN A REAL THING TO BE, IT'S JUST SOME BULLSHIT TITLE YOU GAVE YOURSELF SO YOU CAN FEEL JUST A TINY BIT LESS LOATHESOME. TA: oh no, more chiildii2h burn2, ii dont have two prove anythiing two you, iim a great hacker, periiod. CG: NO IT'S ALL SO CLEAR NOW, YOU WERE A FRAUD ALL ALONG. CG: WHAT DOES ALL THIS NONSENSICAL CODE YOU WROTE EVEN DO? CG: IT'S ALL NONSENSE. CG: LIKE A BLUFF. YOU JUST SAY, OH KARKAT WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT I WROTE IS BULLSHIT BECAUSE HE'S TOO DUMB TO FIGURE IT OUT. CG: WELL YOU'RE BUSTED, THESE VIRUSES HERE I BET DO NOTHING AT ALL. TA: waiit, KK... CG: I BET IF I RAN THEM NOTHING BAD WOULD HAPPEN. CG: MIGHT EVEN IMPROVE MY COMPUTER'S PERFORMANCE! TA: no don't. CG: HOW ABOUT THIS IDIOTIC PROGRAM WITH THE RED AND BLUE CODE, WHICH IS A MEANINGLESS THING TO DO WITH CODE ANYWAY. CG: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? IT'S ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR SCAMS. CG: WHY NOT SNEAK SOME BAD CLIP ART INTO THE FILES TOO, AND PRETEND THAT'S CODE??? TA: oh god, no dont run that, iim 2eriiou2. CG: WHAT WOULD HAPPEN? TA: iim not 2ure, but iit would be really, really bad iif you ran iit, ju2t dont. CG: AH HA. JUST AS I THOUGHT, YOU CAN'T EVEN COME UP WITH A GOOD LIE WHEN I PRESS YOU ON IT. CG: YOUR BLUFF HAS BEEN CALLED. CG: COMPILING AS WE SPEAK, IT WILL AUTORUN WHEN IT FINISHES. CG: AND NOW I HAVE TO GO ATTEND TO SOMETHING OUTSIDE, BECAUSE TEREZI IS DOING SOMETHING JUST UNSPEAKABLY STUPID RIGHT NOW. CG: WHOOPS, FORGET I SAID THAT. IT WAS PRIVILEGED INFORMATION. TA: you are the dumbe2t grubfucker on the planet, ii 2wear. CG: LATER DOUCHE BAG. TA: KK DO NOT RUN THAT CODE. TA: hello??????????????
Karkat and his friends and everyone they would ever meet thereafter would experience great misfortune on account of the curse unwittingly implemented through Sollux's esoteric MOBIUS DOUBLE REACHAROUND VIRUS.
Every troll's lusus would soon die. All but one of their kernelsprites would be prototyped with a dead lusus, each prior to entering the Medium. Upon entry, they would each have a bittersweet reunion with the creature after the kernel hatched, triggering the sprite's metamorphosis. For the first time, the trolls would be able to have verbal conversations with their custodians, and would be guided by them along their journeys.
Unfortunately, the underlings and warring royalty would gain the benefits of the monstrous prototypings as well. Each sprite, except for one, would only be prototyped once. The players would learn quickly that while one pre-entry prototyping per player was absolutely necessary for ultimate success, additional pre-entry prototypings merely empowered their enemies unnecessarily.
The game has no explicit rule that demands something dead for prototyping. But in practice, the kernelsprite has particular attraction to the deceased or the doomed. Across every session ever played, exceptions to this pattern are extremely rare.
Why did you send Karkat that code? It was such a bad idea. You suppose it was a boastful gesture to get a friend to think more highly of you. But why would flaunting your superior skills accomplish this? It was foolish.
You ought to wipe all these clever viruses you wrote off your computer. They can only bring more trouble.
While deleting your virus folders, you pause on one oddball file you have lying around.
You did not write this virus. You copied it from an obscure server, far beyond your planet's global network. This application is running on that server perpetually.
It is an extremely simple ~ATH program. Its main loop is tied to the lifespan of the universe. When the universe dies, a mysterious subprogram will be executed. You have no way of knowing what that subprogram does. It runs on a protected part of the server. It is completely unhackable.
You delete the file, but it won't do much good. The program is already running elsewhere. Luckily, whatever harm it will do will not be done for many billions of years. And even then, what harm could a virus do after the expiration of the universe? This file always struck you as quite odd.
But Sollux, even with his vision twofold, does not have the perceptional luxuries of our vision omnipresent.
When executed, the subprogram will summon an indestructible demon into the recently voided universe. This monstrous being with the power to travel through time is inconvenienced very little by his arrival upon THE GREAT UNDOING. He has the entire cadaver of the expired universe to pick apart at his whim. From its birth through its swelling maturity and tapering decay. In a reality he is known to have marked for predation, he will go about assembling followers through various epochs, even going as far as personally establishing the parameters for his future summoning.
Sollux couldn't know that the virus is essentially a formality.
Sounds like your lusus is agitated about something up there. You already gave him his serving of honey today. If he thinks he can get more, well that's just greedy.
You keep your enormous BICYCLOPS chained to the roof of your COMMUNAL HIVE STEM. It is the only place there is room for him. Dueling with him on the roof during feeding time is a daily ordeal.
You are known to be heavily arrested by FAIRY TALES AND FANTASY STORIES. You have an acute ability to COMMUNE WITH THE MANY CREATURES OF ALTERNIA, a skill you have utilized to CAPTURE AND TRAIN a great many. They are all your friends, as well as your warriors, which you pit in battle through a variety of related CARD AND ROLE PLAYING GAMES. You used to engage in various forms of MORE EXTREME ROLEPLAYING with some of your other friends before you had an accident.
You like to engage in the noble practice of ALTERNIAN SLAM POETRY, possibly the oldest, most revered, and certainly freshest artform in your planet's rich history. You have a profound fascination with the concept of FLIGHT, and all lore surrounding the topic. You believe in FAIRIES, even though they AREN'T REAL.
Your trolltag is adiosToreador and you uHH, sPEAK IN A SORT OF, uHH, fALTERING MANNER,
You kickstart a rousing match of FIDUSPAWN, with the only friend you've got to play with in person, your loyal lusus TINKERBULL.
You take a look at the favorable hand you dealt yourself and crack a mischievous smile. With a HOST PLUSH at the ready, you quickly lob an OOGONIBOMB and catch your adversary off guard!!!
You like to practice your jousting outside. One day you hope to prove yourself worthy of recruitment into the halls of the dreaded imperial CAVALREAPERS. Assuming you are not slated for culling first on account of your disability. Or really any other arbitrary reason.
You wheel over to your favorite poster featuring PUPA PAN, which is your favorite thing. You have always fantasized that one day intrepid young Pupa would come and take you away, and together you would fly to a beautiful paradise planet of legend, that has all sorts of fanciful stuff like pirates, treasure, a cruel villain with a missing arm and a missing eye, and these weird aliens called "indians". You have left your window open since you were very young, just in case Pupa stopped by one night and decided to splash a pinch of SPECIAL STARDUST in your face.
You have had this interest far prior to your accident. Being paralyzed isn't what made you want to be able to fly. That would be dumb and would make no sense.
Being paralyzed does sort of make you want to be able to walk, though.
But before that you had to scoot around in your wheel device throughout the various worlds of the Medium, and endure all sorts of follies related to your disability, which on account of their great plurality and marginal relevance we will not get to see. Just as well.
Wow, look what happens when you space out and contemplate the future like that. The messages start piling up.
|PESTERLOG|
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling adiosToreador [AT]
AG: Taaaaaaaavros. AT: hEY, AG: Red team is going to 8ite the dust! AG: And I know you are on the red team. AT: wHOA, rEALLY, AG: Yeah, you totally are. AG: My team's got no use for a 8oy that can't make no use of his legs! AG: You were f8ed for a team of losers, full of 8lind girls and lame 8oys and cranky iiiiiiiim8eciles. AG: ::::) AT: oK, yOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT ABOUT THAT, AT: bUT i SHOULDN'T BE TALKING TO YOU, AG: Oh???????? AT: i PROMISED I WOULDN'T TALK TO YOU ANYMORE, AG: Whaaaaaaaat. Promised who? AT: rUFIO, AG: Omg, who's that???????? AG: I h8 this guy already! AT: hE'S, uHH, AT: oKAY, AT: sOMEONE SAID i SHOULD GIVE MY SELF ESTEEM A NAME, AT: aND TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT WHAT i SAY, tO MAKE SURE i DON'T HURT HIS FEELINGS, AG: Haha! So he's imaginary! A fake. AG: Like a made up friend, the way fairies are. AG: Made up make believe fakey fake fakes. AG: Who told you to do something so fraudulent? AT: gA, AT: bUT i DON'T KNOW IF SHE WAS JOKING ABOUT IT, AT: iT MIGHT BE A JOKE, uHH, i DON'T KNOW, bUT i DID IT ANYWAY, AG: Oh maaaaaaaan, what a meddler. AG: I h8 her meddling! Why is she always meddling? AG: I don't know if it was a joke, 8ut man. AT: uH, AG: I don't think it was a joke. It was more like........ AG: Ok, complete this analogy. AG: Laughing is to a joke as meddling is to ........? AT: uUHHH, AG: Exactly! That's what she just did to you. AG: It is worse than a joke. It is worse than anything you can do. AG: Next time tell her to can it! That's what I do. AG: But she keeps 8ugging me. 8ugging and fussing and meddling. What's her deal! AG: I guess it's flattering that she wants to talk to me so much though. I guess I don't mind. It's cool. AG: Anyway Tavros, you've been amazingly 8oring as usual, so I'm going to go. AT: oKAY, AG: This show needs to get on the freaking road. AG: 8elieve it or not, the 8lue team doesn't have a single player in the session yet! AG: While you guys have like two or three or such! AG: Un8elievable, I wonder what the holdup is. Oh well, let's face it! You guys need the head start. AT: uHH, AG: Ok, anyway, good luck to you. It will be just like old tiiiiiiiimes. AG: :::;) AG: Adios, Toreasnore!!!!!!!!
|PESTERLOG|
terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling adiosToreador [AT]
TC: mOtHeRfUcK mY bRoThEr, Im So SoRrY i KiNd Of ZoNeD oUt ThErE. AT: hI, tHAT'S OK. AT: i WASN'T EXPECTING YOU TO NOT BE ZONED OUT FOR ANY REASON. AT: sO i GUESS, i DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR APOLOGY. TC: AlRiGhT, fUcK yEaH, iT's AlL gOoD aNyWaY. TC: i JuSt ZoNeD oUt WhEn I wAs SuPpOsEd To Be AlL aBoUt BeInG tO tElL yOu YoU'rE aLl On My TeAm. AT: uH, yEAH, tHE RED TEAM YOU MEAN, TC: ShIt MoThErFuCkIn YeAh My WiCkEd MoThErFuCkEr! TC: :o) hOnK hOnK hOnK AT: oK, tHAT'S GREAT, i JUST HEARD ABOUT THIS, AT: fROM SOMEONE i DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT, AT: bUT IT STILL BASICALLY QUALIFIES AS GOOD NEWS, TC: :o) HoNkHoNkHoNkHoNkHoNk AT: }:o), hEH, TC: hAhAh FuUuUuCk, YoU sToLe My FuCkIn NoSe BrO! TC: WhAt GoT yOu EvEn Up ThE gUmPtIoN tO aLl FuCkIn Do ThE sHiT lIkE tHaT? AT: eRR, i DON'T KNOW, iT'S JUST, AT: kIND OF THE OBVIOUS THING TO DO, AT: sTICK THE CIRCLE IN FRONT OF THE DOTS, aND, bEHIND THE BENDY ONE, AT: pLUS, oH YEAH, mY HORNS, TC: hAhAhAhA. AT: mAYBE WE CAN SLAM ABOUT IT, TC: YeAh, I cOuLd KiCk ThE sHiT oUt Of SoMe RhYmEs BrO. TC: aLl StIr Up SoMe FuCkIn HeLl MiRtH aNd RiP oPeN a FuCkIn BaG oF hArShWhImSy. AT: yEAHHH, yOU CAN TALK ABOUT THE CLOWN THINGS, wHICH, AT: i DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND EVER, bUT THAT'S OKAY, AT: bECAUSE IT'S KIND OF FUNNY, AT: wHEREAS, i'LL ADDRESS SOME TOPICS PERTAINING TO MY INTERESTS, AT: aND i GUESS, pERSONAL MOTIFS, TC: YeAh! FuCk YeAh, ThAt Be HoW sHiT's AlL uSuAlLy Up AnD fUcKiN lOcKeD bRo. TC: bUt FiRsT hErE's ThE tHiNg WiTh ThE gAmE. AT: oH YEAH, i ALMOST FORGOT, aBOUT, AT: tHE RED TEAM GAME, TC: YeAh Ok If I rEmEmBeR rIgHt ThIs Is HoW wE'rE jUgGlInG tHiS sHiT. TC: lOt'S oF fUcKiN bAlLs In ThE aIr, HaHaHa. TC: TeReZi CoNnEcTeD tO kArKaT, sO hE's FuCkIn ChIlL. TC: tHeN i'M sUpPoSeD tO cOnNeCt To HeR sOoN tO gEt HeR aLl ChIlL tOo. TC: BuT sHe'S iN tHe WoOdS dOiNg SoMeThInG. TC: wHeN sHe CoMeS bAcK sHe StArTs PlAyInG. TC: So In ThE mEaN mOtHeRfUcKiN tImE i'M sUpPoSeD tO gEt YoU tO cOnNeCt To Me. TC: bUt I fUcKiN sPaCeD oUt AnD fOrGoT. TC: BeCaUsE i GuEsS i WaS wAy ToO mOtHeRfUcKiN cHiLl AlL uP iN tHiS sHiT, hAhAhAhAhA! AT: yEAH, i UNDERSTAND, TC: sO jUsT dOwNlOaD tHiS mOtHeRfUcKeR i'M sEnDiNg YoU sO wE cAn KiCk ThIs BiTcH dOwN tHe StAiRs. AT: oKAY, i'LL DO THAT, aND, AT: iN THE MEANTIME, sHALL i, AT: cUE UP THE, AT: sTRICT BEATS????? }:D TC: AwWwWw BrOtHeR nOw YoU aLl FuCk AnD uP aNd DoNe It. TC: yOu ArE fUcKiN wHeEl DeEp In A bIg SlOpPy MaSsAcRe PiE tOpPeD wItH mOtHeRfUcKiN wHiPpEd RhYmE. TC: HoW sTrIcT aRe ThOsE bEaTs At, MoThErFuCkEr? AT: wELL, i, AT: tURNED UP THOSE BITCHES TO PRETTY STERN, AT: sET BEATS TO LECTURE, aND, i'M KIND OF GOING HOG WILD ON THE CURMUDGEON KNOB, AT: wHICH, i HAD RECENTLY INSTALLED, TC: gOd DaMn!!! TC: TeLl Me MoRe WhIlE i GeT mY rEaCh On FoR tHiS fRoStY bReW. AT: oKAY, AT: iMAGINE AN ARRAY OF BEATS THAT SET LIMITS, AT: tHEY GOT A RULEBOOK, iT DOESN'T PAY TO SKIM IT, AT: bECAUSE, tHERE'S NOT A LOT OF LATITUDE, AT: tHEY WON'T STAND FOR AN ATTITUDE, AT: aND, cROSSING THEM'S A HABIT YOU'D, AT: (nOT REALLY WANT TO GET INTO BECAUSE, uHH), AT: tHEY'D GET PRETTY MAD AT YOU, TC: fUuUuCk, So FuCkIn FrEsH. TC: YoU nEeD tO bE sLaPpEd FuCkIn SiLlY wItH a MoUtH lIkE tHaT! hAhA. AT: aND, iF YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH IT, AT: tHEN i SUGGEST YOU GO AND RAP IT DUDE, TC: oK i WiLl. TC: JuSt LeT mE sNeAk Up On ThIs BoTtLe Of FaYgO aNd SnAp ItS nEcK lIkE iM a FuCkIn LaUgHsSaSsIn. TC: oK. TC: ArE tHoSe BeAtS sTiLl ChIlL? AT: yEAH, TC: aRe ThEy MoThErFuCkIn StRiCt??? AT: yEAHHHHH, TC: AiGhT. TC: cRaCk...... TC: HiSsSsSsSsSsSsSs. TC: mOtHeRfUcKiN kIcK iT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You both then proceed to have one of the worst rap-offs in the history of paradox space.
The counterweight is the skull of an ancient mother grub, slain thousands of solar sweeps ago.
The egg contains a rare species of dragon which remains blind until maturity, using its other senses to survive. It has balanced the skull here for millennia, waiting for the warmth of a meteor-sparked forest fire before hatching.
As you learned, your dreams became more vivid. Where before there was darkness, odors and flavors painted a striking picture. You found yourself surrounded by bright honey walls, and in the sky was a huge tasty ball of cotton candy, which is this sweet troll delicacy we wouldn't know anything about.
The first time you caught a glimpse of this world in your dreams, there was no turning back.
The young lusus would take to the sky and promptly get herself killed. This would be much more shocking and maybe a little bit more sad if we didn't already know it was going to happen.
The doomsday device would display the amount of time you had to get back to your hive and enter the Medium before the forest was destroyed.
At the time, it wouldn't occur to you to wonder whether the device was directly responsible for the apocalypse, or merely served as its precisely calibrated harbinger. And it certainly wouldn't occur to you to cast doubt on any perceived difference between those two things.
It wouldn't until later, when you better understood the game you were about to play.
You once had a number of INTERESTS, which in time you have LOST INTEREST IN. You seem to recollect once having a fondness for ARCHEOLOGY, though now have trouble recalling this passion. It nonetheless has led you to find your PRESENT CALLING, which came through the discovery of these MYSTIC RUINS on which you presently stand, and which you recently DESECRATED OUT OF BOREDOM.
Guiding you to this calling were the VOICES OF THE DEAD, which you have been able to hear since you were young. The voices have become louder as THE GREAT UNDOING approaches. This trend in escalation began after an ACCIDENT involving a CERTAIN KIND OF ROLE PLAYING, which might have been another of your interests once upon a time. It doesn't matter much anymore.
The accident resulted in the DEATH OF YOUR LUSUS, which prompted you to leave your home and take up these ruins as residence. On the instruction of your ANCESTORS, you have recovered MYSTERIOUS TECHNOLOGY from the ruins, and convinced a friend to adapt it into a GAME THAT WILL BRING ABOUT THE DESTRUCTION OF YOUR CIVILIZATION. And by convinced, you suppose you mean tricked.
He has tentatively named the game SGRUB, which is a word that is NOT TERRIBLY ELEGANT. If it were marketed by a legitimate game company instead of rapidly patched together by a young hacker, it would ostensibly be given a better title. He is presently mobilizing twelve friends to play it, including him and yourself. He believes he will lead the blue team. But he is wrong.
Your trolltag is apocalypseArisen and there is typically a pr0n0unced h0ll0wness t0 y0ur w0rds.
You found this baffling artifact some time ago on one of your digs. The creature on its facade is completely mystifying. You have taken to using it as your primary computing device on account of its bizarre novelty, as well as convenient portability.
Oh, look who's bothering you again.
She's always bugging you. Bugging and fussing and meddling. What's her deal! You guess it's flattering that she wants to talk to you so much though.
You're ok with it. You're ok with a lot of things.
|PESTERLOG|
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
GA: Hi Again Aradia AA: 0h n0000000 GA: So I Guess Tonight Is The Night You Blow Everything Up AA: 0_0 GA: Is There Nothing I Can Do To Change Your Mind AA: n0 AA: 0r yes AA: yes theres n0thing AA: and n0 y0u cant AA: but y0u sh0uldnt pretend as if y0u believe this has anything t0 d0 with the state 0f my mind AA: 0r the decisi0ns it will make 0r has already made GA: Yeah I Guess Not GA: I Thought Id Be Friendly Though GA: And Remind You That You Do In Fact Have A Hand In All The Terrible Things That Are About To Happen GA: Because Thats What Friends Are For GA: And The Fact That What Ensues Will Be Terrible GA: Is An Immutable Fact I Am Stating For The Record GA: And The Fact That We Will Not Be On The Same Team Is Similarly Immutable GA: It Does Not Mean That Teamwork Is What Isnt Taking Place Here AA: s0rry i didnt f0ll0w that GA: Ill Be Here To Help GA: If You Need Me AA: 0k AA: thanks
|PESTERLOG|
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
AG: Araaaaaaaadiiiiiiiia! AA: 0h b0y thats way t00 many of the same letter in a r0w twice AG: I know! AG: So we're a8out to get started right? AG: Have you tricked Sollux yet? AG: Do you have Mr. Two Eyes all 8efuddled and flustered in your we8 of lies? AG: Or Mr. Four Eyes? AG: Hmmmmmmmmm. AG: I don't know. Which nickname do you think would 8e suita8ly derogatory in this case Aradia? AA: h0w ab0ut AA: eight eyes AA: minus seven AG: ::::P AA: i didnt trick him AA: its n0t like that AG: Ok, whatever. The point is. AG: Once you have pulled the finely woven silken mesh over his dum8 different colored eyes, you and I will start playing the game and 8e the 8lue team leaders. AG: That's how this will work right???????? AG: Wait do you mind if we are co-leaders? I forgot to ask! I just assumed it was ok with you. AA: i d0nt care AG: Great. That's the spirit! AG: And when I 8ring you into the game, whatever the hell that means, then we can send each other stuff right? That is how this works right? AA: yes AG: Awesome! AG: 8ecause I have a present for you. It's a surprise, and it's going to 8e great. From me to you. AG: Just from me. From me alone and no8ody else. AG: I can't wait to see the look on your face when you see. AA: 0k well im sure it will be very th0ughtful AG: Hey speaking of which, what will the name of our team 8e? AA: uh AA: the blue team AG: No no no no no. I know that. AG: I mean the name of OUR team. You and me. Just uuuuuuuus. AG: ::::) AA: i havent given it any th0ught AA: n0r did i think such a thing was up f0r c0nsiderati0n AA: but if y0u want t0 pretend we b0th have a separate team t0gether AA: and name that team AA: then kn0ck y0urself 0ut AG: I just thought it would 8e really fitting. AG: Kind of like a fresh start, you know? AG: I don't know, what are our shared interests? I guess I never really thought a8out this! I guess I'm used to thinking of you as the enemy. There must 8e some overlap in profiles. AG: Come oooooooon, let's 8rainstorm! AA: 0_0 AG: Man, it'll 8e great. We'll 8e unstoppa8le. Surely you must admit it will 8e nice to re8ound from the Team Charge de8acle! AA: i never think ab0ut that anym0re AG: Oh maaaaaaaan, I'm so dum8! Here I am running my mouth and opening up old wounds, while at the very same time trying to make amends! What an idiot. AA: its 0k AG: Hey speaking of which, that loser isn't going to 8e on the 8lue team is he? AA: which l0ser AG: Your old team 8uddy! AA: n0 AG: Oh thank fucking goodness! Talk a8out dead weight. You made the right choice, leader! I mean co-leader. AA: i didnt exclude him f0r that reas0n AA: 0r at all AA: y0ure just n0t getting it AA: y0u never listen AG: Man, now I've got this huge 8eefgrub lodged in my nook just thinking a8out him. AG: I'm going to go give him a hard time. AG: Let me know when you're live! Later.
|PESTERLOG|
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
TA: aradiia ii would liike two apologiize, ii flew off the handle there. TA: iit wa2 liike the handle wa2 a bald guy goiing really fa2t, and ii wa2 hii2 twoupee. TA: 2o iim 2orry, iit wa2 my fault. AA: its 0k TA: ii hope we are 2tiill friiend2. AA: yes we are TA: 2o anyway, ii thiink even though ii quiit a2 leader iim 2tiill goiing two play the game now. TA: becau2e iit2 eiither that or get totally creamed by all the2e fuckiing 2pace boulder2. TA: hey maybe we can make the be2t of the game anyway, even though ii guess we are goiing two lo2e. AA: n0 im s0rry AA: y0u cant s0llux AA: n0t yet TA: oh my god!!! TA: youre goiing two giive me 2hiit agaiin??? TA: after ii crawled on my belly liike that all groveliing at you. TA: liike 2ome low cla22 guy wiith... whatever color blood ii2 lower on the hiierarchy than miine. TA: what2 wor2e than yellow? TA: fuck thii2 confu2iing ca2te 2y2tem. TA: anyway 2crew you, iim playiing thii2 game riight now. AA: n0 y0ure n0t AA: trust me TA: waiit what2 thii2... TA: are you heariing that 2pooky me22age from the grave? TA: iit ii2 from my abiiliity two giive a 2hiit. TA: whiich ju2t diied. TA: thii2 ii2 where you laugh agaiin! AA: c0me t0 the wind0w TA: why. AA: because im 0utside TA: b2. AA: take a l00k TA: ii dont 2ee anythiing out there. AA: c0me cl0ser y0ull see me AA: i pr0mise TA: god ii am ju2t bulge deep iin the fecal matter of a wiildly iincontiinent hoofbea2t but ok, iill iindulge you. TA: here ii go!
When you would finally wake up, you'd discover all of your teammates had connected to each other and entered the Medium. You would be the last to enter. Your long nap would facilitate a series of important dreams that would prove essential in support of your teammates.
But here and now, the destruction of your hive would be imminent unless you could quickly establish a connection to the first player of the group and complete the chain.
You live in a CAVE that is also a HIVE, but still mostly just a CAVE. You like to engage in FRIENDLY ROLE PLAYING, but not the DANGEROUS KIND. Never the DANGEROUS KIND. It's TOO DANGEROUS! Too many of your good friends have gotten hurt that way.
Your daily routine is dangerous enough as it is. You prowl the wilderness for GREAT BEASTS, and stalk them and take them down with nothing but your SHARP CLAWS AND TEETH! You take them back to your cave and EAT THEM, and from time to time, WEAR THEIR PELTS FOR FUN. You like to paint WALL COMICS using blood and soot and ash, depicting EXCITING TALES FROM THE HUNT! And other goofy stories about you and your numerous pals. Your best pal of all is A LITTLE BOSSY, and people wonder why you even bother with him. But someone has to keep him pacified. If not you, then who? Everyone has an important job to do.
Your trolltag is arsenicCatnip and :33 < *your sp33ch precedes itself with the face of your lusus who is pawssibly the cutest and purrhaps the bestest kitty you have ever s33n!*
You are always wearing your CLAW GLOVES. You never know when you might encounter some unsuspecting prey. Or when some prey might encounter an unsuspecting you!
On Alternia, everything is considered unsuspecting prey by everything else.
She sure enjoys a good scratch! POUNCE DE LEON is the best kitty cat. You and she go on adventures together in search of the FOUNTAIN OF CUTE. You ride your sure-pawed mount into the rugged frontier. And sometimes she rides you when she gets tired, which is frequently.
It sure will be sad when she dies. But who knows when or how that will happen. We might not even really have the time to find out!
You saunter over to your DRAWING TABLET COMPUTER. You use this to draw... on a computer!!! It would be cool if this could somehow be adapted to serve as a fetch modus as well. That would be so much more fun than the frustrating one you're using now.
You wonder what this grumpy fellow wants? Probably something to do with that game. That seems to be all ANYBODY'S talking about lately!
|PESTERLOG|
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]
CG: HEY. AC: :33 < *ac perks up curiously* AC: :33 < *she wiggles her rear end a bit and then chases something she s33s bounce into one of karkats shoes* CG: KARKAT CAN'T BELIEVE HE HAS TO SINK THIS LOW. CG: KARKAT CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S ASKING AN AUTISTIC GIRL IN A CAVE TO JOIN HIS TEAM. CG: KARKAT MYSTIFIES IN INFINITE BEFUDDLEMENT OVER THE FACT THAT YOU ARE PRESENTLY THE BEST REMAINING CANDIDATE FOR THE RED TEAM. AC: :33 < i am??? AC: :33 < i mean *ac says i am??? wondrously* CG: YES AND KARKAT CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THAT. CG: KARKAT THINKS ABOUT THAT A BIT AND HIS JAW DROPS OPEN AND BREAKS A HUGE COLUMN OF BRICKS LIKE A FUCKING KUNG FU MASTER. AC: :33 < *ac gathers up all the brick pieces and builds a cute little house and invites karkat inside* CG: OK GOOD, IT'S GOOD THAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT BUILDING. CG: EVEN IF IT'S IN THE MOST INANE POSSIBLE CONTEXT. CG: YOU'RE GOING TO BE DOING A LOT OF IT. AC: :33 < yesss that sounds fun AC: :33 < ok what do i do? CG: OK, BRIEFING: CG: ME, TEREZI, GAMZEE AND TAVROS ARE ALL PLAYING NOW. CG: THE CONNECTION ORDER IS AT -> TC -> GC -> CG. CG: WE NEED SOMEONE TO CONNECT TO TOREADOR AND GET HIM IN THE GAME. CG: I HAVE GA LINED UP FOR THE RED TEAM BECAUSE SHE IS ONE OF THE FEW REMAINING SANE ONES LEFT TO PLAY. CG: OK, THE ONLY SANE ONE. CG: BUT SHE DOESN'T WANT TO CONNECT YET BECAUSE OF SOME MYSTERIOUS BULLSHIT, SO I WAS LIKE WHATEVER, WHAT ELSE IS NEW. CG: SO I GUESS THAT LEAVES YOU. CG: TEREZI SAID SHE HAD YOU LINED UP TO PLAY BACK WHEN SHE WAS THE FAKE LEADER, SO I SAID FINE. CG: SO JUST CONNECT TO TAVROS AND LATER WE'LL WORRY ABOUT GETTING YOU IN. AC: :33 < alright! i will talk to him about that AC: :33 < oh AC: :33 < *ac pawses and looks up with a little bit of chagrin* AC: :33 < i forgot i have to talk to someone else about this AC: :33 < i have b33n purrcrastinating :(( CG: OH GOD. CG: ARE YOU REALLY SERIOUS. AC: :33 < its not that big of a deal! CG: THIS BOGGLES MY MIND. CG: HOW CAN YOU BE BEST FRIENDS WITH THE ONLY GUY ON THE PLANET WHO'S A BIGGER ASSHOLE THAN ME. AC: :33 < hes not so bad! CG: HE'S SCUM. CG: BUT DO WHATEVER YOU'VE GOT TO DO I GUESS. CG: TAVROS IS WAITING.
|PESTERLOG|
arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT]
AC: :33 < *ac twitches her friendly whiskers at ct* CT: D --> Hi AC: :33 < *ct purrplexes over where he put that important wrench that he n33ded for building a fancy robot or something* AC: :33 < *he says, now where did that silly old wrench go??* CT: D --> 100k CT: D --> What are you e%pecting to accomplish with this AC: :33 < *but oh look! ct p33ks around the corner to find that a very playful kitty has stolen the robot wrench and is now kicking it vigorously with her hind legs!* CT: D --> This is f001ishness upon one hundred thousand prior, equally unsolicited f001ishnesses CT: D --> You'll stop now AC: XOO < rawwrrrrr AC: :33 < youre so lame! CT: D --> I'm not CT: D --> I'm fine AC: :33 < no! lame CT: D --> No I'm not AC: :33 < lame CT: D --> No AC: :33 < youve never played a fun purrtend game with me ever even once! AC: :33 < even karkat does it sometimes, even if he does mean it in a grumpy and insincere way AC: :33 < but at least its still fun! CT: D --> Yuck CT: D --> Don't pol100t my incoming data stream with his name, or any sort of e%cremental language you pick up from his ilk AC: :33 < i s33 right through your stupid act, who are you trying to kid! AC: :33 < look how you go out of your way to use words that have x's in them so that you can use your silly purrcent signs AC: :33 < or use these absurd words that you can shoehorn a '100' into, even if its not strictly replacing 'loo'!!! AC: :33 < you are so transpurrent AC: :33 < i can tell you like to play games, d33p down you are a guy who likes to play games! AC: :33 < i can smell a guy who likes to play games from so fur away with this nose, you have no idea X33 CT: D --> If you're 100king for a 100phole through which you may e%tract concessions from me, you'll have to 100k elsewhere AC: :33 < s33! what the hell??? CT: D --> Nepeta, what did I say about that awful language CT: D --> I won't stand for it, and you'll stop AC: :33 < oops AC: :33 < sorry :(( CT: D --> Your fraternization with the base classes have 100sened your morals, can't you see this AC: :33 < no! i dont care, they are fun AC: :33 < and i dont know anything about classes or bases or blood color, it doesn't matter! AC: :33 < what does gr33n blood even mean! it doesnt mean anything to me and it shouldnt mean anything to anyone else! CT: D --> Well, green b100d is ok, but it's not great CT: D --> But that's why you're lucky to have me to 100k out for you CT: D --> Because you don't know better, and you can't fight the role the mother had in store for you AC: :33 < rawrgh, you are such a hypurrcrite! AC: :33 < you pretend to be so high and mighty but i know you're not and i know you like games AC: :33 < look at that silly little bow and arrow you always type! AC: :33 < its always there, you never furget AC: :33 < why would you do that if it wasnt a playful fun thing, i am so on to you! CT: D --> My bow and arrow are highly dignified symbols AC: :33 < lol! bs!!! CT: D --> Archery is among the highest and most e%ceptional crafts, held in tremendous regard by the most a100f classes for centuries AC: :33 < you suck at archery CT: D --> No AC: :33 < yes CT: D --> No AC: :33 < yes CT: D --> No I don't AC: :33 < yessssss yes yes yes AC: :33 < have you ever even successfully fired an arrow? AC: :33 < like actually got one to leave the bow?? CT: D --> I think CT: D --> We need to stop talking about archery AC: :33 < nuh uh CT: D --> Yes AC: :33 < no CT: D --> We will stop talking about archery CT: D --> The topic is making me CT: D --> Sweat AC: :33 < eww AC: :33 < youre so gross CT: D --> No, you're the one who e%ercises distasteful practices AC: :33 < nooo, thats you AC: :33 < everyone knows youre a weirdo and a cr33p! AC: :33 < thats why youre lucky to have me to k33p an eye on you AC: :33 < no one else can stand you! CT: D --> You e%terminate beautiful, innocent creatures by the hundreds CT: D --> I can't condone such wretched behavior CT: D --> Beasts are meant to be 100ked upon with adoration AC: :33 < but AC: :33 < i eat them! AC: :33 < i dont kill anything i dont eat, that would be mean CT: D --> I guess that's basically acceptable in principle, but I still find it a bit unsavory AC: :33 < well i think YOUR habits are unsavory! CT: D --> No they're not AC: :33 < yuh HUH CT: D --> You're wrong about me, Nepeta CT: D --> I do like to play games CT: D --> But they must be e%tremely important games with very high stakes CT: D --> Not the kind played by trans100cent green wigglers who let 100se an e%cremental surge hard in their wiggler-bottom diaperstubs CT: D --> As it happens I have arranged to play just such a game tonight CT: D --> Aradia and I have a private engagement to be co-leaders of the b100 team AC: :33 < oh yeah?? AC: :33 < *well just by purrchance it happens that ac has a private and sneaky engagement to play this game as well!* AC: :33 < *and by a purrsnickety twist of fate, she will be on the R33D TEAM, with her other great friends who like to play their childish diaperpoop games!!!!* AC: :33 < :PP CT: D --> Absolutely not AC: :33 < absolutely :PP CT: D --> I forbid this CT: D --> You will take your position on the b100 team with me AC: :33 < yeah right! i will take my purrsition into this funny pounce ball and tackle you! CT: D --> That's nonsense, you're nowhere even remotely within my pro%imity that would be necessary to e%ecute such a maneuver AC: :33 < *ac rolls her eyes almost as hard as she is rolling around in this really interesting smell* CT: D --> The thought of you fraternizing with and abetting those stink-b100ded h001igans strikes me as scandal beyond measure CT: D --> I'm afraid you're too delicate to withstand that sort of corruption CT: D --> It's forbidden AC: :33 < nuh uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> You won't AC: :33 < no AC: :33 < i will CT: D --> You won't AC: :33 < you cant stop me! CT: D --> I am telling you not to CT: D --> And you will be on my team CT: D --> That's final AC: XPO < bllllraaaaaawwwwwlllllrrrrghgghghgh CT: D --> Quiet AC: :33 < why do you do this, why are you so confurdent about your stupid commands? AC: :33 < dont you know you cant ACTUALLY tell me what to do?? AC: :33 < its not like you even have any special mind pawers or telepurrthy or anything! CT: D --> No CT: D --> I do not CT: D --> And yet CT: D --> You will do as I say AC: :33 < yes well we will just s33 about that! CT: D --> Yes we will CT: D --> You will join me on my team shortly CT: D --> Stand by for further instru%ion AC: :33 < hisssssssss! CT: D --> You're angry, and I appreciate that CT: D --> But it doesn't matter CT: D --> Di%ussion over AC: :33 < :((
|PESTERLOG|
arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling adiosToreador [AT]
AC: :33 < *ac curls up in tavroses lap* AT: oKAY, *i, AT: fOR THE TIME BEING, aND, AT: fOR THE SAKE OF THIS FANTASY SCENARIO, i PRETEND, AT: tHAT MY CAT ALLERGIES AREN'T THAT BAD,* AC: :33 < *ac takes a long nap* AC: :33 < *and then wakes up and frowns because she has bad news* AT: *oH NO,* AT: iS, AT: wHAT i SAY, AT: aBOUT THE BAD NEWS, nOT THE NAP, AC: :33 < tavros im sorry i cant be on your team :(( AC: :33 < im not allowed AT: oH, AT: tHAT'S OKAY, AT: tHEN i GUESS HE SAID NO, tHEN, AC: :33 < yes unfurtunately AC: :33 < rarg im so mad! AT: iT'S PROBABLY FOR THE BEST, AT: tHAT YOU LISTEN TO HIM, AC: :33 < i dont know AC: :33 < you think so? AT: wELL, AT: iF YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO HIM BEFORE, AT: yOU MIGHT HAVE PLAYED GAMES WITH US BEFORE, AT: aND SOMETHING BAD MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED TO YOU, AC: :33 < hmm purrhaps AC: :33 < but i still f33l bad AT: i'LL FIND ANOTHER PLAYER, iT'S NOT A BIG DEAL, AT: gOOD LUCK, bEING, AT: oN THE BLUE TEAM, AC: :33 < ok thanks :((
You fondly recall your days of far more intensive role playing. It seems like so long ago now. Aside from a few unfortunate moments, it was a lot of fun. If you had to do it all over again, you suppose you would select better company. Maybe this game you are playing tonight will rekindle some of that excitement.
You stand in your room on a healthy pair of legs and in a plucky little outfit. You are a low level BOY-SKYLARK, and you wield an inexpensive DAGGERLANCE, which is the closest thing to a jousting lance you can wield that is still compatible with your favorite class.
You are about to play a popular game called FLARP, which unlike most games published by major developers, was given a graceful and aesthetically pleasing name. It's a title under the EXTREME ROLE PLAYING genre, and playing it without caution can have serious real world consequences! But that's what makes it fun.
When you activate Flarp's grub, the campaign programmed for tonight will begin. TEAM CHARGE will duel TEAM SCOURGE as usual. This is going to be great.
|PESTERLOG|
adiosToreador [AT] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
AT: aRADIA, AT: mY GRUB IS LAYING NOW, sO AT: i'LL BE READY SOON, AA: c00l! AA: mine t00 AA: i d0nt kn0w where terezi is th0ugh AA: shes running late AT: oH, uHH AT: sHOULD WE WAIT, AA: n0 AA: ill be here cl0uding her campaign f0r her regardless AA: with 0r with0ut her! AA: her l0ss if she d0esnt make it AA: itll give y0u a chance t0 gain s0me gr0und AT: oKAY, AA: y0u picked a t0ugh class tavr0s! AA: n0ne 0f the really useful c0mbat abilities c0me int0 play until y0u reach a very high level AA: but i supp0se it will be rewarding when y0u get there AT: yEAH, i THINK YOU'RE RIGHT, bUT, AT: iT'S THE CLASS i THINK IS MOST FUN, aND, bATTLE SKILL IS NOT ALL THERE IS, AT: tO BEING A GREAT ADVENTURER, AA: i c0uldnt agree m0re AA: y0u might be the 0nly flarper in the w0rld wh0 really understands the true spirit 0f the game AA: every0ne else is s0 aggressive and treasure hungry! AA: but thats what makes beating them all the m0re satisfying AT: yEAH, i GUESS, AA: remember y0ur cl0uder isnt g0ing t0 pull any punches t0night AA: d0nt fall f0r her mind games AA: ill be here t0 assist 0f c0urse AA: if y0ure in tr0uble d0nt hesitate t0 ask f0r help AT: yEAH, i WON'T, AT: tHANKS, aRADIA, AA: n0 pr0blem!
They disperse throughout the terrain surrounding your hive. They follow both preprogrammed and live instructions by your CLOUDER, a member of Team Scourge, whose role is to provide you with a challenging scenario, while your teammate does the same for Scourge's other player.
You take your starting position in the field. The game is afoot, and anything can happen now. It's up to you to consult your maps and work with your teammate to discover the objective of the quest, find treasure, and slay monsters.
Your STAT BAT has bonded with you. This keeps track of every attribute for your character, including vitals. While these attributes in principle remain abstractions, due to the fact that this is EXTREME role playing, they will always relate in some way to your real life attributes as well. You've got to be careful out here!
|PESTERLOG|
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling adiosToreador [AT]
AG: Wellllllll? AT: uHH, AG: Hey 8oy-Skytard, are you going to just stand there all night? AG: Make your move, make your move, make your move! AT: i JUST THINK, AT: tHESE MONSTERS ARE TOO STRONG, AT: sORRY, bUT, tHEY DON'T SEEM APPROPRIATE FOR THIS CAMPAIGN, AG: Weak! Weaky weaky weak. AT: uHH, AT: wEAKY, iS THAT A REAL, AT: tHING TO SAY, AG: Yes. Your 8l8tant excuse making is the weakiest lame that ever shit the coward 8ed. AG: Roll your dice. Make your move. AG: Advance or a8scond! AT: i CAN'T ABSCOND, AT: tHERE'S NO, AT: uHH, aBSCONDING PLACE, AG: 8ut a8sconding is what you do 8est! AG: I 8n't managed to cloud a scenario yet you couldn't squawk out of in a 8lazing trail of cluck8east feathers. AG: You cannot hope to 8eat Tavros Nitram in an a8scond-off. AG: He is simply the 8est there is! AT: uHH, tHAT SOUNDS FLATTERING, tHEORETICALLY, AT: bUT, i DON'T THINK, AG: Hey pipe down! AG: Make your move! AG: Advance or a8scond, advance or a8scond! AG: Roll, Tavros! Roll!!!!!!!! AT: oKAY, AT: hOLD ON, fOR ONE MOMENT,
|PESTERLOG|
adiosToreador [AT] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
AT: aRADIA, AT: hEY, AT: aRE YOU THERE, AT: uHHH, AT: hMM,
adiosToreador [AT] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]
AT: hEY, AT: tEREZI, AT: i HAVE A PROBLEM, AT: uHHHHHHH,
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling adiosToreador [AT]
AG: No one can help you, Taaaaaaaavros! AG: ::::) AT: oKAY, AG: Time to decide! AT: wHERE IS EVERYBODY, AG: What does that have to do with your present cowardice? AT: i DON'T KNOW, AT: pROBABLY NOTHING, AG: Are you going to roll? AT: hMM, AT: nO, i CAN'T, AG: Why not? AT: bECAUSE, i WAS THINKING ABOUT THE NUMBERS, aND, AT: iT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR THERE TO BE A FAVORABLE OUTCOME, AT: nO MATTER WHAT THE DICE DO, AG: So, you give up? AT: yEAH, mAYBE, AG: Why not roll and make it official? AG: Why would you want to cheapsk8 me out of 8onuses like that? It's so thoughtless. AT: uHH, AG: Am I going to have to take matters into my own hands? AG: To make your move for you? AT: i THOUGHT, AT: yOU COULDN'T USE POWERS, AT: i MEAN, rEAL LIFE POWERS, nOT GAME ONES, AT: iT'S AGAINST THE RULES, AG: 8ut if you are going to 8reak the rules and refuse to roll, what choice do I have! AG: I h8 that it had to come to this 8ut what can I do!
|PESTERLOG|
AG: Tavros, have I mentioned how cute you look in that plucky little outfit? AG: Why if I didn't know 8etter, I'd say I was playing with Pupa Pan himself! AG: Isn't that what you want, Tavros? To 8e like Pupa? AG: Of course you do! What 8oy wouldn't want to 8e like Pupa! So dashing and 8rave. AG: He is everything you are not! AG: For one thing, he can flyyyyyyyy. AG: Do you want to flyyyyyyyy, Tavros? AG: Have you ever tried to fly? I 8et you haven't! AG: How a8out we take to the skies, Pupa! AG: Hahahaha, oh you like that idea, Pupa? Yes, you do. I can feel it in your simple, mallea8le 8rain. AG: You want to fly so 8ad!
|PESTERLOG|
adiosToreador [AT] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
AT: aG JUST JUMPED ME OFF A CLIFF, AT: wITH MY BRAIN, AT: aND, uHH AT: mY LEGS, aLSO, AT: aND NOW, tHEY FEEL, AT: iNVISIBLE, AT: wOW, i'M SURE THERE WAS A BETTER WAY TO SAY THAT, AT: aNYWAY, AT: tHAT'S REALLY ALL THERE IS, AT: tO REPORT ON THE SUBJECT, AT: oF ME GETTING HURT, CG: HEY ASSHOLE, STOP PLAYING GAMES FOR GIRLS.
|PESTERLOG|
But not too far into the present. Right around this moment, with Karkat and the toilet, during a conversation we have already read, which ended like this:
GC: OH BOY YOU N33D TO G3T W1TH TH3 PROGR4M K4RK4T GC: H4V3 YOU T4LK3D TO 44 CG: 44 WHAT? GC: 4POC4LYPS34R1S3N SORRY CG: NO, OF COURSE NOT. GC: OR T4 GC: OR 4G 1 GU3SS GC: OR C4 GC: R34LLY TH3R3S L1K3 TH1S WHOL3 CONSP1R4CY 4BOUT TH1S GC: 4S 1M F1ND1NG OUT CG: WELL WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME SO I DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO ANY OF THOSE DOUBLETALKING ASSHOLES. GC: 1 C4NT! GC: 1 GOTT4 ST3P OUT OF TH3 TR33 FOR 4 MOM3NT GC: WH3N 1 COM3 B4CK 1 W1LL 3NT3R TH3 G4M3 GC: CY4!
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
AG: Psssssssst. AG: Hey 8rave leader. CG: OH MY GOD, WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME. AG: Can I join your team? CG: YES I'M GLAD YOU ASKED, BECAUSE THERE IS A WIDE OPEN SLOT FOR THE MOST VILE BACKSTABBING SOCIOPATH WHO EVER LIVED. CG: YOU REALLY HELPED ME OUT OF A JAM BY STEPPING FORWARD. AG: Vile 8acksta88ing sociopath? Karkat, did you copy and p8ste that phrase directly from your personal ad descri8ing what you are looking for in a lady? CG: HA HA HA! CG: MORE CAGEY CUTESY BULLSHIT. CG: LIKE I'M NOT UP TO MY LOBE STEM WITH THAT ALREADY HAVING TO DEAL WITH TEREZI. CG: YOU BOTH MUST HAVE BEEN INSUFFERABLE WHEN YOU WERE A TEAM. CG: YOUR OPPONENTS PROBABLY ALL JUST TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE AFTER A FEW MINUTES OF PUTTING UP WITH YOUR FANGY GRINNED DRIVEL. CG: THAT'S PROBABLY HOW IT ALL WENT DOWN WHEN THE SHIT HIT THE THRESHER. AG: That's not a 8ad guess! 8ut man! Karkat you sure are giving me a hard time. AG: I don't see how we're supposed to 8e 8ecoming friends if you recoil from my olive 8ranch like I'm twitching a mummified 8ovine phallus in your direction. CG: BECOMING FRIENDS, WHAT THE FUCK. CG: WE WILL NEVER BE FRIENDS, MORON. AG: Not even h8 friends? CG: NO. MORE LIKE TWITCHY EYED PROJECTILE VOMITING IN UTTER DISGUST FRIENDS, WHILE I PERFORATE MY BONE BULGE WITH A CULLING FORK. AG: Yessssssss. I'll take it! CG: GET LOST. AG: Anyway, I was just joking a8out wanting to 8e on your team. AG: I'm already on the 8lue team. CG: OH! OH REALLY????? CG: WAIT, LET ME COUNT OUT EIGHT OF THESE THINGS, HOLD ON. ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? CG: THERE, I AM NOW AN ENORMOUS TOOL FOREVER. AG: Yes, Aradia and I have an arrangement. We will 8e co-leaders. AG: (But really I will 8e the leader! Heh heh. Shh! Don't tell anyone!) AG: What do you think, Karkat? Can you take on two dangerous laaaaaaaadies at once? CG: YAWN. AG: Come on! Aren't you a little nervous that I will oppose you? You should 8e! CG: NO YOU'RE JUST A RUN OF THE MILL LITTLE PSYCHO GIRL, A TROLL CAEGAR A DOZEN. CG: I'LL BE TAKING APART THE BLUE TEAM WITH BRUTAL EFFICIENCY, YOU'LL SEE. CG: YOU NEVER PLAYED ONE OF YOUR DUMB GAMES WITH ME SO YOU NEVER HAD THE PRIVILEGE OF SEEING WHAT I CAN DO. CG: ENJOY THE SHOW, SWEETHEART. CG: JUST DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT USING YOUR MIND CONTROL TRICKS ON MY PLAYERS. CG: REMEMBER YOUR TRUCE? AG: Pshhhhhhhh. Those days are far 8ehind me. AG: Anyway, I can't control just any8ody. They've got to 8e impressssssssiona8le. Like you! CG: YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME. AG: Sure I can. I just choose not to. CG: YEAH OK. AG: I find your mind totally unpalata8le to 8rowse. Looking into your 8rain is like pawing through a smelly dumpster. AG: Full of 8roken glass and razor 8lades! AG: And poop. D:::: CG: WHATEVER, DON'T EVEN TRY IT. CG: I'VE GOT THE BETTER SCOURGE SISTER ON MY TEAM AND IF YOU BREAK YOUR TRUCE YOU'LL HAVE TO ANSWER TO HER. CG: THE FUNNY THING IS SHE WAS ALWAYS WAY BETTER THAN YOU EVEN WITHOUT ANY POWERS. CG: YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, I KNOW YOUR WHOLE STORY. CG: YOU WERE ALWAYS JEALOUS SHE COULD MANIPULATE PEOPLE SO WELL WITHOUT RESORTING TO CHEAP MIND TRICKS. CG: HAHA, I CAN TELL THIS BURNS YOU AND I CAN'T EVEN PAW THROUGH YOUR DUMPSTER! CG: CHALK IT UP AS ANOTHER INFURIATING VICTORY FOR GUTTER BLOOD OVER ARISTOCRACY. CG: OH WHAT'S THAT, NOTHING TO SAY? CG: WOW SPEECHLESS I GUESS. YOU'RE PROBABLY CRYING RIGHT NOW. THAT WOULD MAKE MY FUCKING DAY. CG: HEY LOOK AT ME BEING THE ONE TO TALK SHIT AT WARP SPEED THEN LOG OFF BEFORE YOU CAN REPLY. CG: BYE, IDIOT.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]
AG: Oh, 8ack so soon! Did your thum8 slip on the 8utton???????? AG: I guess you can't get enough of me. AG: ::::) CG: YOU MADE ME DO THAT. CG: AND YOU KNOW IT. AG: You 8n't got nothing on me and you can't prove shit!!!!!!!! AG: Anyway, Karkat, I just wanted to say. AG: <3
You revisit the remains of your quaint rural hive. Your lawnring and the small excavation sites you dug up for practice are all overgrown with vegetation.
You haven't been here since the night of the accident. On that night you found your CALLING. The voices of the dead grew louder, urging you to return to the ruins you discovered not long before. You left so abruptly, you didn't even have time to bury your lusus.
But that's fine, because trolls don't typically bury their dead. Leaving bodies to be consumed by wild animals is more customary.
You have an arrangement to begin the session as co-leader with one of the blue bloods. You understand this player intends to make a power grab, and take sole possession of the leadership role. Such subterfuge is typical of their caste. But you're perfectly ok with this. It's one of the many things you're ok with.
You allow your co-player to take the lead and enter the Medium first. You understand that the leadership role is essentially meaningless, aside from offering the distinction of being the first player to enter. You also understand that entering the game second was always your intention.
Prototyping with the frog head before entering the Medium would prove to be critical for later success. Just another of many assurances whispered by the dead. You've long since stopped questioning them, or doubting the future significance of even spontaneous acts of frivolous desecration.
Compelling your nonplussed server player to perform this task might have proven difficult. Luckily your telekinesis, an ability greatly magnified through your CALLING, would be sufficient to move the massive object, whereas the game cursor likely would not.
Your server player simply watched in mystification.
You enter the Medium, taking your place in the LAND OF QUARTZ AND MELODY as the MAID OF TIME.
Meanwhile, your client player has been exploring another world. The blue blood has a present for you. The present cannot be duplicated via alchemy at this stage of the game. It would cost too much grist, a detail which this player had not been aware of. The player would have to progress to the second gate of their own world, arrive through the gate above your hive, and deliver it in person.
Facilitating this delivery was one of the reasons why it was important for you to enter second.
Your server player's confusion is only in part due to learning the ropes of a new game. There is a more significant reason for her befuddlement.
While she followed your advice and went through the simple motions of game setup, at no point were you visible on her monitor. She saw your damaged hive. She saw the alchemiter and other devices she deployed. She saw the strange computing device on the floor, bearing the visage of a species she didn't recognize. She even saw a great big stone frog head fly through the air all by itself, and become the Frogsprite.
And though she would ask why, and you would always delay the answer, the fact remained.
|PESTERLOG|
arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
AC: :33 < aradia i can s33 you! AC: :33 < that is you right AA: yes AC: :33 < why are you the floating frog all of a sudden? AA: im dead AA: my spirit merged with the fr0gsprite AC: :33 < wow AC: :33 < dead AC: :33 < really? AA: like a gh0st AC: :33 < huh AC: :33 < well i hope this doesnt make me sound dumb AC: :33 < but i am completely blown away by that stunning revelation! AA: y0u d0nt s0und dumb AC: :33 < whew! :33 AC: :33 < how did you die? AA: i ign0red the advice 0f a friend AA: and made s0me bad ch0ices AC: :33 < *ac rumples up her nose in purrplexment at aa's really vague and spooky answer* AC: :33 < but actually thats good because i kind of think i dont want to know AC: :33 < its making me sad to think about :(( AA: 0k AA: nepeta can y0u please keep this a secret AC: :33 < yes i purrmise i wont tell anyone about it AC: :33 < and by purrmise i mean promise just so you know im serious! AA: thank y0u AA: ribbit AA: wh00ps AC: :33 < h33 h33 h33!!!
You are a master of EXTREME ROLE PLAYING. You can't get enough of it, or really any game of high stakes and chance. You have persisted with the habit even in spite of your ACCIDENT. But then again, you don't have much choice.
Your lusus is VERY HUNGRY, ALL THE TIME. She can only be appeased by the FLESH OF YOUNG TROLLS. You cloud campaigns for teams of Flarpers, utilizing your abilities for ORCHESTRATING THE DEMISE OF THE IMPRESSSSSSSSIONA8LE. Your victories supply you with treasure, experience points, and SPIDER FOOD.
You are something of an APOCALYPSE BUFF, which is something you can be on Alternia. You are fascinated by end of the world scenarios, and enjoy constructing DOOMSDAY DEVICES for the hell of it. You are drawn to means of DARK PROGNOSTICATION and the advantages they offer, particularly in gaming scenarios. Your abilities in this department were hobbled with the loss of your VISION EIGHTFOLD, and you have since sought alternatives through various BLACK ORACLES. You consult with these ominous globes, but routinely destroy them in frustration over the PUZZLING GUARANTEED INACCURACY of their predictions. Breaking them has developed into a habit BORDERING ON FETISHISTIC, and with each you destroy, you add to an insurmountable stockpile of TERRIBLE LUCK. You have to stop. But addiction is a powerful thing.
Your trolltag is arachnidsGrip and your st8ments tend to 8e just a little 8it overdramaaaaaaaatic.
You drew your own role playing character for fun, as many Flarpers are prone to do. She is the best character, and you wish you were her. Oh wait, you are her! Your wish has been granted. Probably as a special boon for being so great at everything.
Her name is Marquise Spinneret Mindfang, scourge of land dwellers and sea dwellers alike, and worst nightmare to silly BOY-SKYLARKS everywhere. She has accumulated more treasure and gained more levels than any member of the PETTICOAT SEAGRIFT class ever. She gained all the levels. All of them.
You have a lot to do. So many irons in the fire OW!
Lousy dice. You just can't ever seem to go anywhere in your hive without stepping on an errant D4. Pointy little bastards.
It's just your bad luck, you guess. You've had such terrible luck ever since your accident. And it just keeps getting worse. As far as you're concerned, the world can't end soon enough.
You equip your enchanted dice set, the fabled FLUORITE OCTET.
It consists of eight D8, plundered from a ghost ship during a particularly challenging campaign. In ancient times such weapons were employed by roving bands of GAMBLIGNANTS, deadly marauders with a passion for chance. They all died off though. Took too many crazy risks.
Rolling the dice will execute a wide range of highly unpredictable attacks. Very high rolls can be devastating to even the most powerful opponents.
Of course with the luck you've had lately, you couldn't make a good roll to save your life. Got to do something about this awful luck.
Gotta catch a br8k!!!!!!!!
When you get worked up about stuff you put 8's in places that don't really make a lot of sense phonetically.
|PESTERLOG|
Hello. AG: Oh my god, why are you talking to me???????? This is the last time we'll ever talk. AG: Still sticking with the white text I see. So smooth and stylish! AG: I forgot how much I loved highlighting it to read all the 8oring things you have to say. AG: It's like a fun game for super extra handicapped retarded people. Like opening a present! Find out what o8noxious thing the mystery tool typed. AG: What is it! A parting courtesy, I suppose. All the ways I've exploited you were meant to bring about the events that will take place this evening. Knowing this will provide context for the events in your near future, and will affect how you behave in response. These events will be just as important as those preceding it. I've gone to great lengths, you see. AG: You didn't exploit me. AG: You are just a petty douche with a 8ad temper who likes to pl8y g8mes, and all I did w8s humor you. I did exploit you, very thoroughly. It was easy. AG: So full of yourself!!!!!!!! Have I ever lost a game? AG: Don't ch8nge the su8ject!!!!!!!! What subject are you referring to? AG: XXXXO AG: I'm going to log off in a 8ig huff and you have to promise not to use that nasty trick where you log me 8ack on out of petty douchey spite! AG: And then we can go 8ack to never ever talking, 8ecause man! That was heaven when it was like th8t!!!!!!!! There's no need for that kind of assurance. I'll be brief. I no longer hold you accountable for any wrongdoing. In fact, I've given your transgression very little thought since the incident. If you acknowledge this amnesty and regard it as sincere, you may begin to find the odds falling in your favor again. This may be essential if you are to succeed on your journey. AG: Mm hmm. Slow down! Man. AG: I am just wearing out so many pens taking all these important notes! Fuuuuuuuuck! AG: Fuck you for ruining all my good note-taking pens and giving me this terri8le cramp in my good note-taking hand!!!!!!!! Incredible, the risks you take with your scorn. But of course it was your unpleasant, simplistic temperament that made you so easy to control. Vicious and predictable, like an insect. If you turn a swarm of wasps on a crowd, the outcome is certain. It takes no skilled strategist to understand this. You were in fact a waste of my talents. A primitive expedient. AG: Blech. What a sno8. You're worse than my meddley meddler meddlefriend. I wonder why they waste their camaraderie on you. I'll never understand it. AG: I thought you said you would 8e 8rief???????? I'll say one last thing. Though the magnitude of the ensuing destruction resulting directly from your actions will be neither possible or necessary for you to fathom, there nevertheless ought to be a silver lining. The only question is whether you will live long enough to see it. I'm not a gambling man. But if I was, I wouldn't bet on it. Goodbye. AG: Zzzzzzzz. 8ye, assh8le.
More hollow comebacks. As hollow and wishywashy as the inside of one of these dumb black globes. What use is all that attitude against a guy who's never wrong? It's so depressing, you can't even work up the energy to smash this stupid thing.
Maybe you could stand to have some camaraderie wasted on you, even if it comes from a meddley meddler meddlefriend.
|PESTERLOG|
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]
AG: Whaaaaaaaat. GA: Just Wanted To Know GA: Is Your Lusus Dead Yet AG: Huh? What kind of question is that! AG: Is this a trick? Are you trying to sa8otage me? Are you in cahoots with someone???????? GA: Uh No AG: Cahoooooooots!!!!!!!! AG: Cahoots I say. GA: You Sure Do Seem To Be Saying Cahoots GA: Im Just Asking GA: Because Mines Dead AG: What? Oh no. AG: How did that happen? GA: It Was Just Her Time AG: Really? Are you sure it wasn't sa8otage? I would suspect sa8otage if I was you. GA: No There Was No Plot Or Conspiracy Or Any Trace Of Saboteurs Operating Through The Special And Magical Union One Can Only Describe As Being In Cahoots With Another GA: When A Virgin Mother Grub Abdicates And Renounces Brooding GA: Her Time Will Be Relatively Short GA: I Always Knew This AG: ::::( AG: She was so cool, you had the coolest lusus of anyone I know. AG: I wanted to meet her some day. GA: Maybe You Still Can AG: Yeah, meet her corpse! I guess that's not so bad a consol8tion prize. AG: Seeing a 8ig dead cool mother gru8. Wow! AG: You were so lucky. My lusus sucks! Haha. AG: Why did you ask if she's dead, anyway? Do you know something???????? GA: They Are All Dying GA: Or Are Going To Soon GA: I Believe Its A Preemptive Consequence Of The Game We Are About To Play GA: If A Preemptive Consequence Is A Concept That Can Be Said To Hold Any Meaning GA: But From What I Understand If It Is Applicable In Any Sphere At All Then This Game Holds That Sphere AG: Okaaaaaaaay, I don't really get that. So you can just go ahead think I'm some dum8 flighty 8road again. GA: I Wasnt Going To Think That GA: You Know What I Dont Think Even I Really Understand What I Just Said So Nevermind AG: Now you have me a little worried. Man! I hope she's ok. AG: Why would this happen? This is just my luck. Have some died 8esides yours???????? AG: And uh, you know who's, I guess. ::::o GA: Yes A Few GA: Karkat Thinks Its His Fault GA: He Believes His Actions Triggered An Inauspicious Chain Reaction AG: You mean a curse? GA: Sure AG: Wow, between his curse and my shitty luck we are so screwed. GA: Im Not Surprised To See You Endorse His Paranoia Without Hesitation GA: But I Was Attempting To Illustrate A Point In Bringing It Up AG: Whew! There goes another one sailing over the idi8t girl's head! Ok, lay it on me. GA: These Events Are Inevitable And Regardless Of Whatever Emotional Entanglements Obfuscate Their Significance They Will Ultimately Serve An Important Purpose GA: The Curse Had Nothing To Do With It GA: And Karkats Notion Of A Curse Is Inseparable From His Perception Of Events As Intrinsically Negative And As Tailored To His Personal Dissatisfaction GA: And Your Bad Luck Is The Same Way GA: I Believe Anyway AG: Uh. Ok. GA: What Would Happen If You Just Cleaned Up A Bit GA: Dont You Think You Would Step On A Few Less Hard Triangles AG: Why do you try to help me and stuff? What's the point! AG: It's kind of bothersome. And insulting sometimes! AG: So I have a messy room. 8ig deal. My luck fucking 8lows! It's got nothing to do with it and you just don't even know. AG: Meddler. Why you so meddley, Miss Meddlesome McFussyfangs???????? GA: Because Youre Dangerous AG: No way! I'm just fine. Why don't you can it. GA: Every Time You Tell Me To Can It I Think Its Funny GA: I Mean Its Just A Funny Thing To Say Dont You Think AG: ::::P GA: Its Ok To Be Dangerous GA: Lots Of People Are GA: And Dangerous People Can Be Really Important GA: Maybe Even The Most Important Sometimes GA: But It Just Means Theres Got To Be Someone Around To Keep An Eye On Them GA: And If Not Me Then Who GA: Everyone Has An Important Job To Do AG: Ok, so you're spying on me. Kind of creepy! Man, m8y8e you should get a l8fe. AG: Or you know, if you're so h8gh 8nd might8 an8 th8nk you're so gr8at, m8y88 you c8uld oh I d8n't kn8w........ AG: TRY AND ST8P ME FROM DO8NG B8D THINGS???????? GA: That Wouldnt Work GA: If I Tried To Stop You You Would Regard Me As An Enemy GA: Instead Of Merely As A Nuisance GA: And What Good Would That Do GA: So Im Afraid Mcfussyfangs It Must Be AG: U88888888h! AG: Ok, gr8. Fine! I'm going to check on my lusus now. AG: 8ut I'm starting to think you are full of shit, and I am quite sure she will 8e QU8TE FIN8! GA: Youre Right Anything Can Happen I Guess GA: But Just So You Know Im Sorry For Your Loss In Advance
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]
AG: Aaaaaaaah! AG: Man, why d8dn't I just get th8 last w8rd and sign off real qu8ck like I usu8lly do???????? AG: Let you sne8k th8t stink8n' littl8 ninja quip in th8r8. Ah! So m8d. AG: Lousy st8pid godd8mn supportive fri8nd!
You go down the like fifty million stairs to her nest below. You wonder if any other kid on the planet has such a high maintenance lusus? You DOUBT it.
You pass by one of your completed doomsday devices. You promised you'd build it for an especially powerful and influential member of the nautical aristocracy, in return for his collusion during your campaigns. Some guy you were in cahoots with! You guess none of it matter now though.
It was tough to build, and isn't perfect yet. Luckily one of your pals nearby is pretty handy with technology. He can be tapped for parts and favors frequently.
You wonder if any other kid on the planet has as many irons in the fire as you.
You are so strong, you would surely be the class of the elite legion of RUFFIANNIHILATORS. And while such a calling would be quite honorable, you would prefer to join the ranks of the ARCHERADICATORS, perhaps the most noble echelon the imperial forces have to offer. Unfortunately, you SUCK AT ARCHERY. You have not successfully fired a SINGLE ARROW. Every time you try, you BREAK THE BOW. You are simply too strong. You have broken so many bows, it has developed into a habit BORDERING ON FETISHISTIC. You have to stop. But addiction is a powerful thing.
You have a great appreciation for THE FINE ARTS. You use your aristocratic connections to acquire PRICELESS MASTERPIECES, painted in the oldest and most respected Alternian tradition of NUDE MUSCLEBEAST PORTRAITS. These striking depictions of the EXQUISITE FAUNA native to Alternia remind you of the PUREST PHYSICAL IDEAL that must be sought by anyone who professes a LOVE OF STRENGTH. When those of lesser bloodlines turn up their uncultured noses at such stunning material, it MAKES YOU FURIOUS.
Practically everything MAKES YOU FURIOUS. You have so much rage, it can only be expressed through STAGGERING QUANTITIES OF PHYSICAL VIOLENCE. You build strong and sturdy robots, set them to kill mode, and BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THEM in caged brawls. Sometimes you LOSE TEETH. But they usually grow back.
Your trolltag is centaursTesticle and with your bow and arrow ever at the ready, you D --> Take e%ception to 100d language unbefitting of b100 b100ds
Now where did that craven excuse for a custodian go. It makes you furious when he goes missing like this. Probably off somewhere nursing his bruises. You swear, the old boy is made of glass. You are starting to get agitated.
Actually it isn't. You like to think that though. The truth is you're really strong because you're kind of a freak. You were chosen by one of the strongest lusus species on the planet. It was the only sort of custodian that could handle raising you.
CT: D --> YesAC: :33 < noCT: D --> YesAC: :33 < noCT: D --> YesAC: :33 < noCT: D --> YesAC: :33 < noCT: D --> YesAC: :33 < noCT: D --> YesAC: :33 < noCT: D --> YesAC: :33 < no
But when all was said and done, you are quite sure you convinced your good friend to stay on the right team. Not the team full of degenerates with swill coursing through their veins. You're starting to get worked up again.
Routine helps calm you down. Maybe you will talk to another friend. You talk to him every day for some reason. Though it's not exactly right to call him a friend, since you despise him. Your relationship with the fellow is difficult to describe.
It should be noted that in troll language, the word for friend is exactly the same as the word for enemy.
|PESTERLOG|
centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]
CT: D --> Have I ever told you what a reprehensible disgrace you are TC: hAhA, fUcK yEaH, oNlY eVeRy MoThErFuCkIn DaY bRo! CT: D --> I'm not in a very good mood CT: D --> There are a few things I'd like to get off my chest TC: MoThErFuCkIn SpIlL iT, dOn'T bE aLl KeEpIn ThAt ShIt BoTtLeD uP TC: lIkE a FuCkIn AlL sHaKeD uP bOtTlE oF fAyGo. TC: FuCk DoGg I'm ThIrStY. TC: i'M dOwN tO mY lAsT bOtTlE aNd I dOn'T fUcKiN kNoW iF i CaN gEt AnYmOrE iN tHiS mOtHeRfUcKiN mAgIc LaNd So I dOn'T kNoW. CT: D --> What you do appear to know is e%actly how to ma%imize my livid contempt for you CT: D --> With your revolting language and your sense of decorum CT: D --> At such breathtaking odds with the richness and perfe%ion of your b100d CT: D --> I just hate you so much TC: ThAt'S cOoL, i CaN't AlL bE mAkInG nOt EvErYbOdY hApPy AlL tHe TiMe. TC: iF wE eVeR mEt I cOuLd BaKe YoU a FuCkIn PiE aNd We CoUlD cHiLl AnD mAyBe We'D bE bEtTeR bRoS tHaT wAy. CT: D --> And the degrees to which you pollute your precious b100d CT: D --> With your bottled fizzy sugar and soporific to%ins CT: D --> Maddening CT: D --> You will stop TC: WhOaAaA, i WiLl? TC: hOw Do YoU kNoW tHaT? CT: D --> No, you don't understand CT: D --> It's not a predi%ion, it's an order CT: D --> I command you to stop TC: Oh, AlRiGhT bRoThEr. TC: yOu MoThErFuCkIn GoT iT. CT: D --> What CT: D --> Are you serious TC: yEaH. TC: I mEaN, yOu GoT tO sHoW sOmE fAiTh In YoUr FrIeNdS, cAuSe ThEy'Re AlL tHe OnEs WhO'rE bEiNg To LoOk OuT fOr YoU. TC: sO fUcK iF yOu SaY i'M nOt DoInG tHe ShIt RiGhT, tHeN wHaT tHe MoThErFuCk Do I kNoW! CT: D --> No CT: D --> This is una%eptable CT: D --> Ok, let's start over CT: D --> I apologize CT: D --> I was completely out of of line, and I'm sorry CT: D --> I have no right to talk to you like that, or tell you what you can't do TC: aWw, No WoRrIeS! CT: D --> It's not my place CT: D --> Your habits notwithstanding, I am lesser than you CT: D --> An inferior TC: hAhAhA. oK. CT: D --> Don't you understand that you're better than me CT: D --> Can you please act like it CT: D --> That's not a command, it's just a polite request I guess TC: oK, i CaN tRy, BuT mAn I dOn'T kNoW iF i KnOw HoW tO bE lIkE a BeTtEr MoThErFuCkEr ThAn AnY oThEr MoThErFuCkEr. CT: D --> 100k, it isn't that difficult CT: D --> Try to be cognizant of your desires and needs CT: D --> And attempt to regard those around you as simple vehicles meant to bring about your gratification TC: WoW, wHaT? CT: D --> What are you doing TC: uHhHhHh. CT: D --> Right now CT: D --> It sounds as if you have begun playing with the red team CT: D --> Is this true TC: yEaH! TC: fUcK yEaH. i'M aLl Up In ThE fUcKiN sHiT oF tHiS wIcKeD mYsTiCaL mOtHeRfUcKeR. TC: i BoNkEd An ImP oN tHe HeAd WiTh A cLuB. TC: AnD tHeN a LiTtLe LaTeR i ScArEd OnE wItH a HoRn. TC: :o) CT: D --> Good CT: D --> This is very good CT: D --> It really pleases me to hear tales of physical subjugation CT: D --> I presume these were lesser beings, toiling in the lower ranks of some hierarchy TC: wElL yEaH, tHeY'rE uNdErLiNgS. TC: AnD tHeRe'S SoMe SuBjUgGlAtIoN iNvOlVeD fOr FuCkIn SuRe! TC: bUt NoW wE kInD oF sEtTlEd DoWn AnD mE aNd ThE iMpS aRe ShArInG sOmE pIe TC: tHeSe MoThErFuCkErS aRe PrEtTy DoPe AcTuAlLy, I lIkE tHeM. CT: D --> Ok CT: D --> It pleases me considerably less to hear things like that CT: D --> But I've already stated I have no right to be disappointed by your conduct, so I will try to control myself TC: aW sHiT bRo, I dOn'T wAnT tO bE aLl LiKe To DiSaPpOiNt YoU! TC: WhAt CaN i Do To MaKe A bRoThEr FuCkIn ShApE hIs ShIt Up? TC: iF i CoUlD mAkE yOu SmIlE iT'd Be ThE bEsT fUcKiN mIrAcLe I eVeR dId PaRt Of. TC: hOnK hOnK hOnK! :o) CT: D --> Hmm CT: D --> Would it be too much to ask CT: D --> For you to maybe CT: D --> Boss me around a little TC: UuUhHhHhH. TC: yOu MeAn LiKe RoLe PlAyInG? CT: D --> If it would help to couch it in those terms CT: D --> Then yeah, I guess so CT: D --> But not the especially juvenile kind CT: D --> Let's keep it serious and professional TC: i'Ll TrY, bUt I'm NoT mUcH fUcKiN aNy GoOd At It I tHiNk. CT: D --> Just CT: D --> Say anything CT: D --> As long as it's authoritative TC: oK. TC: uH, hEy YoU, dOn'T gO nEaR tHe MoThErFuCkIn OcEaN, cAuSe I aLl ToLd YoU nOt To A bUnCh Of TiMeS! TC: ShIt Is StRaIgHt Up DaNgErOuS, aNd I'm GeTtInG mY hArSh On AbOuT iT. CT: D --> Hmm CT: D --> Decent CT: D --> I don't live near the ocean though, so it's hard to immerse myself in the scenario TC: aLrIgHt, WeLl, WhAt ArEn'T yOu AlL nOt SuPpOsEd To Do? TC: WhAt KiNd Of MiScHiEf Do YoU gEt YoUr BaD fUcKiN sElF uP tO? CT: D --> I do so many bad things CT: D --> Just awful things CT: D --> I'm incredibly impudent and a superior needs to put me in my place TC: uMmMm, Ok WeLl. TC: DoN't Be DoIn AlL tHoSe BaD fUcKiN tHiNgS bRo! CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> Yes, that's good CT: D --> Like that TC: cUt ThAt ShIt OuT, i'M sO aLl MeAnInG tHiS! hAhAhA. CT: D --> E%cellent CT: D --> Now tell me this, highb100d CT: D --> I've been roughhousing a little too hard lately CT: D --> I've made a bit of a mess and anyone in a position of authority would surely be % about it TC: Uh. TC: %? CT: D --> Cross TC: oHhH. CT: D --> What do you make of it CT: D --> This wretched misbehavior TC: fUcK mAn, I aM sO mOtHeRfUcKiN sAlTy AbOuT aLl ThAt BuSiNeSs YoU sAiD! TC: FuUuUuCk, Im LiKe AlL mOvInG mY mOuTh AnD tHe WiCkEd NoIsE iS cOmInG oUt In ThE fRoNtIeSt WaY pOsSiBlE. TC: aNd It'S gOiNg At YoUr DiReCtIoN, cAuSe ThAt'S tHe DiReCtIoN tO fUcKiN bE aNgRy At! CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> So good CT: D --> I am presently whipped into a state of contrition CT: D --> One befitting of our class disparity CT: D --> But I'm starting to perspire again so it's best that we stop CT: D --> Thank you for indulging me TC: hAhA, nO pRoBlEm BrO. TC: It'S cOoL wE cOuLd AlL uP aNd MoThErFuCkIn OpEn Up A lItTlE bIt WiTh EaCh OtHeR. TC: lIkE bRoS. TC: If ThErE's StUfF yOu WaNt To GeT oFf YoUr ChEsT dUdE, lIkE i SaId I'm FuCkIn HeRe FoR a MoThErFuCkEr. TC: kInD oF lIkE a MiRaClE, hOw It'S aLwAyS tHeRe. TC: It NeVeR gOeS aWaY, yOu KnOw? CT: D --> No CT: D --> But I comprehend the sentiment CT: D --> I have lots of thoughts, but they're difficult to communicate CT: D --> If you'll listen TC: sUrE! :oD CT: D --> Honestly I'm confused by the social order TC: mAn, Me ToO. i DoN't KnOw WhAt Of FuCkIn WhAt CoLoR iS wHaT, sO i DoN't BoThEr WiTh ThInKiN oN tHaT mOtHeRfUcKeR. CT: D --> See, that's what I mean CT: D --> How is it possible for one of your distin%ion to be so ignorant CT: D --> And loathesome CT: D --> Whereas CT: D --> A member of the most abject, verminous b100dline of all CT: D --> Can conduct herself with such grace and possess nothing but admirable mannerisms CT: D --> I find these striking ju%tapositions perple%ing, and I confess strangely into%icating CT: D --> I wonder if I have gone mad CT: D --> To form such a pact with her TC: WoW, i GoT nO fUcKiN cLuE wHaT yOu'Re TaLkInG aBoUt TC: wHo Is ShE? CT: D --> I shouldn't be talking about this CT: D --> You're the enemy
|PESTERLOG|
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT]
AG: Equiiiiiiiiuuuuuuuus. CT: D --> What AG: Hey! I'm a8out to meddle with so many losers right now. CT: D --> How many AG: So many! All the losers. All of them. CT: D --> Good CT: D --> Use your cunning and venom to make them envy our nobility AG: Oh man, was that sarcasm? That sounded like sarcasm! CT: D --> No CT: D --> Humorous insincerity is for pedantic wigglers AG: Pshhhhhhhh, I know! I know you never make jokes. I was the one 8eing sarcastic, you stooge! AG: I was 8eing sarcastic a8out you 8eing sarcastic. Duh. CT: D --> That's because you're a little worse than me AG: The fuck I am! Anyway. Hey! AG: Did you finish Aradia's present yet? I'm a8out to fuss with her and I want to know if I can keep my promise or if you're gonna make a liar out of me. CT: D --> It's finished CT: D --> I'll deliver it shortly AG: Great! Thanks, 8uddy. I'll 8e w8ting here for you. CT: D --> I'm happy to help CT: D --> But I don't understand why you're intent on gratifying that worthless peasant AG: 8ecause I promised I would and it's none of your damn 8usiness! Man. AG: Quit your prying! Always fidgeting and poking and prying. CT: D --> Fine CT: D --> Then let's proceed with the plan in a curt and professional manner AG: Agreeeeeeeed. AG: So just to review! AG: We will let Aradia perpetr8 her cute little ploy on Sollux and usurp his power. CT: D --> Yes AG: Isn't it funny when these chumps try to get all tactical and underhanded? It's really adora8le! CT: D --> I guess it is pretty quaint AG: Anyway. She makes her little powergra8, and that's when we 8oth step in and usurp her as co-leaders. AG: Right???????? CT: D --> That's the plan AG: Ok, good. Then the 8est team will 8e led 8y the two highest 8loods, the way it should 8e! AG: Or at least, the highest 8loods who aren't shitty clown worshippers or under water freaks. Sound good? CT: D --> Yes, we're in absolute agreement AG: Yes. CT: D --> Yes AG: Yes. CT: D --> Yes AG: Yeeeeeeees!!!!!!!! CT: D --> Stop AG: Gr8! What a gr8 team we are. AG: Heeeeeeeey........ AG: You wouldn't 8e planning anything sneaky, would you???????? CT: D --> No, don't be absurd CT: D --> Are you AG: What! How could you suggest such a thing! Man, so insulting. CT: D --> Ok AG: Perfect. We have the perfect plan, and no one is plotting any sort of dou8lecrossings or 8acksta88ery or anything like that. CT: D --> There are no %%ings up my sleeve CT: D --> Also, I don't have sleeves CT: D --> I am as transparent as can be, and my word is my bond AG: I know! Don't worry, dude. I trust you completely. CT: D --> You know CT: D --> I can feel you trying to read my mind AG: 8ullshit! AG: Pro8a8ly just another one of your many daily rage aneurysms. AG: Why don't you cool your jets and have a glass of gross muscle8east milk???????? CT: D --> Get out of my head, it's making me angry CT: D --> Try to remember who built your arm for you AG: Oh g8d! AG: D8n't you d8re!!!!!!!!
You delve deeper into your hive where you store many of your robotic projects. The lair doubles as the caged arena where you battle them.
Under the tarp is the completed gift. You of course have no intention of delivering this to your neighbor as promised. You naturally will doublecross your accomplice, just as you assume she has plans to doublecross you. You assume she is assuming the same of you. Business as usual for blue bloods.
You will deliver it to Aradia yourself to gain her favor, and then doublecross her and take your rightful position as team leader. How ironic that someone of your blood purity must work to win the favor of the lowest sort of peasant. Humiliating. Strangely titillating, even. But in the end, class order will be restored.
You reveal her sparkling new chassis. You have paid a great deal of attention to quality and detail in this model. She is perfect.
You don't know what to make of the feelings she stirs. For one like you to entertain thoughts of attraction for such genetic filth would be utter depravity.
Why, Aradia. It appears the red glass of your eye has caught the pink and green glint of the moons in their perigees. The sweet poetry almost makes a man forget how the grime that once filled your veins made his stomach turn. It is a good omen for illicit lovers. Could you imagine the scandal if anyone found out?? No one must ever know.
But worry not. Your heart will pump no more of that despicable red sludge. You have been given a new heart. You can be taught the ways of the class you were always meant for. No one is beyond redemption.
Be grateful, dear Aradia. For the first time in your meaningless life you have met a man with true compassion.
And just what do you think YOU'RE looking at??? Keep your cold, mechanical judgment to yourself. As if your own record is so spotless! Don't forget who made you. Oh, what's that? My, that is a smart mouth you have. That was the last straw. An example must be made of this insubordination.
|PESTERLOG|
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]
AG: It looks like tonight we will have to 8reak our truce. Or at least suspend it. Hope you don't mind! GC: HOW DO YOU F1GUR3 TH4T AG: Because tonight we will play a game together. For the first time in I don't even know. Forever! GC: TH3 TRUC3 W4SNT 4BOUT NOT PL4Y1NG G4M3S TOG3TH3R DUMMY GC: 1T W4S 4BOUT NOT ST4BB1NG 34CH OTH3R 1N TH3 B4CK 4NYMOR3 GC: 4ND STOPP1NG TH3 3NDL3SS CYCL3 OF R3V3NG3 GC: 4ND 4BOV3 4LL NOT US1NG YOUR POW3RS TO HURT P3OPL3 WHO DONT D3S3RV3 1T! AG: Man, you like to give me such a hard time a8out all that. I can't catch a 8reak! AG: Can't you see I'm trying to put all that 8ehind me and make amends with every8ody? AG: No, of course you can't see that. What am I saying! GC: 1T'S H4RD TO B3L13V3 YOU W1TH 4LL TH3 LY1NG YOUV3 DON3 GC: YOUR BLU3B3RRY BUBBL3GUM WORDS ST1LL SM3LL PR3TTY GOOD BUT YOUR D3C31T ST1NKS! >8O AG: ::::( AG: I'll prove it to you. I'm giving Aradia a present that will make her feel all 8etter finally. AG: Then I'll 8e in the clear. Phew! Totally redeemed. You'll see. I mean smell. GC: 1 DONT KNOW WHY YOUR3 BOTH3R1NG TRY1NG TO H3LP H3R GC: SH3 WONT C4R3 GC: WH4T3V3R 1T W4S YOU D1D TO H3R 1 TH1NK YOU BROK3 H3R BR41N GC: 1TS SO T3RR1BL3 AG: Man, why can't you cut me some slack for once???????? AG: It's not like I even did anything that 8ad to you. AG: I lost seven eyes 8ut you only lost two! I would say you came out ahead in the 8argain. GC: 1 KNOW GC: 4ND 4CTU4LLY GC: 1 N3V3R R34LLY GOT TH3 CH4NC3 TO TH4NK YOU >:D AG: Ugh! Your sarcasm really stings when here I am just trying to 8e nice. Ok, I guess I deserve it. GC: 1M S3R1OUS THOUGH GC: BUT 1 DONT 3XP3CT YOU TO G3T TH4T AG: Aaaaaaaah! AG: Fine, 8e that way. But you shouldn't sit there and pretend we're so different. AG: Remem8er Team Scourge? How convenient all that must 8e to have forgotten! You were so nasty. AG: Oh man, if you crossed Terezi Pyrope you were fucked!!!!!!!! GC: Y34H 1F YOU W3R3 4 B4D GUY GC: W3 W3R3 SUPPOS3D TO B3 L1K3 4 V1G1L4NT3 DUO D1SP3NS1NG JUST1C3 GC: 4ND YOU COULD T4K3 TH3 B4D GUYS HOM3 4ND F33D TH3M TO YOUR STUP1D SP1D3R GC: BUT 1NST34D YOU JUST F3D H3R 3V3RYBODY! GC: 4ND L13D 4ND L13D 4ND L13D AG: Yeah, those were the days. AG: I mean, days full of mist8kes and r8gret! AG: But it was still a lot of fun. Watching you dismantle huge teams of Flarpers with nothing 8ut politics and head games. AG: Without even using any special powers! Wow. GC: M3H AG: Come oooooooon! AG: What do I have to do here? GC: 1 DUNNO AG: Well if you want to know what I think, you should start changing your tune. AG: Cause even though you got all these highfalutin morals and fancy reserv8tions, you know as well as me that a killer is a killer is a killer! AG: There 8n't no ch8nging your ways for good, and one d8y you're going to flail that silly l8ttle cane of yours and not find n8thin to 8ump into, and fall f8ce first into the shit ag8in. AG: And you're going to do something t8rri8le to some8ody and wish you could t8ke it 8ack 8ut you c8n't!!!!!!!! AG: And then you'll work hard to win 8ack their trust, and you'll try and try and tr8, and you'll see how hard it is! AG: You'll seeeeeeee! GC: 1 DOUBT 1T AG: You'll see. AG: I am whispering that and it is echoing and ominous. AG: You'll seeeeeeee........ AG: You'll seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee AG: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee........ GC: OH W1LL YOU C4N 1T S3RK3T! AG: Hahahahahahahaha.
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]
AG: Whoa, what was that???????? GC: WH4T W4S WH4T AG: There was a loud noise outside my hive! AG: It sounded like an explosion. GC: WOW R34LLY AG: And then another one! AG: And now something that sounds like an avalanche!!!!!!!! GC: W3LL 1F 1 H4D TO GU3SS GC: 1 WOULD S4Y GC: 1T W4S PROB4BLY TWO 3XPLOS1ONS 4ND TH3N 4N 4V4L4NCH3 AG: That dum8ass is probably punching ro8ots again. AG: I will go outside and look. GC: OK GC: TRY NOT TO G3T BURN3D OR CRUSH3D TO D34TH OR 4NYTH1NG TH4T WOULD B3 4WFUL AG: You got it! ::::::::)
|PESTERLOG|
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
GC: HOW 1S H3 AA: 0k AA: he cant walk th0ugh AA: pr0bably never will GC: >:[ GC: M4YB3 H3 COULD B3 F1X3D GC: W1TH ROBO PROSTH3T1CS GC: 1F YOU D1DNT M1ND G3TT1NG H3LP FROM... GC: UH >:\ AA: n0! AA: neither he 0r i sh0uld have ever had anything t0 d0 with th0se hateful sn0bs AA: it was a big mistake AA: n0 0ffense 0_0 GC: TH4TS OK GC: 1M 4 L1TTL3 TOO T34L FOR TH31R T4ST3S 4NYW4Y >:] AA: i d0nt see why theyd lift a finger t0 help him AA: they hate us b0th s0 much AA: im s0 mad! GC: 1 HOP3 YOUR3 NOT TH1NK1NG OF DO1NG 4NYTH1NG 1N R3T4L14T1ON GC: 1TLL 3ND B4DLY GC: YOU SHOULD L3T M3 H4NDL3 1T AA: im n0t scared 0f her AA: she cant c0ntr0l me AA: shes tried it d0esnt w0rk GC: 1 KNOW GC: BUT TRUST M3 1F YOU P1SS H3R OFF SH3LL F1ND 4 W4Y TO G3T YOU GC: TH1S 1S R34LLY TR1CKY JUST L3T M3 D34L W1TH 1T AA: but it was my fault AA: i was distracted when i c0uld have helped him GC: 1 W4S TOO GC: W3 W3R3 BOTH D1STR4CT3D BY TH3 S4M3 TH1NG AA: yeah AA: wh0 was he anyway GC: PR3TTY SUR3 1T WAS VR1SKAS FR13ND AA: what was he d0ing there AA: watching us GC: WHO KNOWS GC: H3S NOT R34LLY H3R FR13ND THOUGH GC: YOU SHOULD S33 HOW H3 T4LKS 4BOUT H3R B3H1ND H3R B4CK GC: SH3 H4S NO 1D34 HOW B4D H3S PL4Y1NG H3R GC: BUT TH3N 1 DONT TH1NK H3 KNOWS HOW B4D SH3S PL4Y1NG H1M 31TH3R GC: S33 1TS COMPL1C4T3D GC: YOU R34LLY N33D TO ST4Y OUT OF 1T 4ND L3T M3 D34L W1TH TH1S AA: i guess s0 AA: i feel p0werless sitting here d0ing n0thing th0ugh AA: its like she wins even if y0u get her back! GC: DONT TH1NK OF 1T TH4T W4Y GC: 1 KNOW HOW TO STOP H3R GC: TRUST M3 AA: i guess 0ur gaming days are 0ver then AA: us f0ur at least GC: Y3P GC: 1M PR3TTY MUCH DON3 W1TH H3R
|PESTERLOG|
Well? AG: Well what! I am surrounded 8y ghosts and kind of fre8king out a8out it! I know. I'm asking what you intend to do about it. AG: I don't know, I guess I will just curl into a little 8all and cry and hope they go aw8y! AG: Is that what you want to hear you sick f8ck???????? Aren't you going to kill her? AG: Who???????? Your friend. The one who summoned the spirits. AG: Will that make them go away? Does it matter? She brought them here to torment you. This obviously warrants revenge. You know you're going to anyway. You won't be able to help yourself. AG: I don't have to do shit! AG: May8e I don't mind ghosts. May8e they'll 8e gr8 company once I get used to them! No, they are terrifying you. There's only one thing to do. AG: Ok, so why don't YOU kill her! 8e my guest! Wow, thanks for offering. Wh8t a pal! That's not how I work. AG: Oh really, well you seemed pretty excited a8out killing Tavros too. AG: And you even helped! So I guess that is how you work after all. Not really. All I did was stand somewhere for a few minutes. I just gave you an opportunity to do something you wanted to do anyway. You hated him, remember? AG: I know I did! I still do, I guess. I dunno. AG: 8ut I was never gonna kill these people. They were like, off limits I guess? AG: These games were just supposed to 8e fun and serve no other purpose! They were serving a very important purpose. AG: Yeah ok, you getting off on talking a girl into killing her 8uddies sure is important! AG: Los8r. Again, I didn't talk you into anything, nor am I doing so now. You were, and are, going to do this regardless. I only ever place myself into positions of tangential involvement with events that will bring about my employer's entry into this universe. I oversee the events as they take place, and ever so slightly nudge them into motion when necessary. AG: I'm 8eginning to think you really 8elieve that! So delusion8l. You're just a path8tic, lonely gamer who 8uys into his own character profile 8S. The omniscient have no need for beliefs and no room for delusion. AG: Hahahahahahahaha! AG: You're the dum8est omniscient person I ever met. AG: Sure you know a lot, 8ut I know for a FACT there's stuff you don't know. That's true. But the gaps in my knowledge exist by design. They are the pillars of shadow on which my comprehensive vision is built. Necessary pockets of void meant to effectuate outcomes I've foreseen and which will require my influence. Each dark pocket, in time, will be filled. But I wonder why I waste this nuance on you. AG: 8ecause you need to add more 8l8tant lies to patch up all the holes in your sad cover story. I don't lie. Deception is only necessary for those like you to achieve their objectives. I play with my cards face up. Isn't it funny how during our various matches, I can tell you what my moves will be in advance, and still win? AG: ::::P AG: Yeah, 8ut I'm getting closer to 8eating you. You'll see. Look at that. The short amount of time I have reserved for arguing with a child has expired. I will go. But maybe you're right. Maybe you are a person with free will and you won't kill your friend. What do I know? Enjoy your haunting.
|PESTERLOG|
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
AG: Araaaaaaaadiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaa. AA: what AG: Nice trick! With the ghosts and all. Man, you got me pretty good. AA: id rather n0t talk t0 y0u AG: Fair enough! AG: Just wanted to say I'm sorry, that's all. AA: im n0t the 0ne y0u sh0uld ap0l0gize t0 AG: Yeah I know. I'll make it up to him some day. Don't worry! AG: Anyway, hey guess what? AG: I've got a message for you from your 8oyfriend. AG: He's outside your hive right now! AA: n0t falling f0r it AG: Take a look. AA: i d0nt see anything 0ut there AG: Well ok, I'm just the messenger. If you want to risk missing him then suit yourself. AG: L8er!!!!!!!!
You try to be the white text guy, but fail to be the white text guy. No one can be the white text guy except for the white text guy.
The white text guy is known as Doc Scratch.
He is an officer of an indestructible demon known as Lrd English. His job is to pave the way for the arrival of his master, who will be summoned upon the termination of the universe. He has worked at this task for many centuries, and will continue to do so until THE GREAT UNDOING.
Scratch is Alternia's FIRST GUARDIAN. Every planet destined for intelligent life has such an entity meant to protect it, and facilitate the planet's ultimate purpose. A first guardian is typically almost as old as the planet itself, and each has a unique, circuitous origin through the knots of paradox space. They can be born into a great diversity of forms, though they all share a common, especially potent genetic sequence. The code grants them near omnipotence, and when merged with a host of great intelligence, near omniscience as well.
What's he up to now? Hard to say since we're not telling him what to do. Guardians can never be told what to do. Neither the omnipotent kind, nor the ordinary kind who raise kids in houses. It's a universal law of reality.
Looks like he's pondering over his next move in a game he is playing with some wicked troll girl down on the planet. Usually these matches are no contest, but she has been getting closer to beating him lately, and he has no idea how this is possible.
Uncertainty, though rare, is quite a troubling sensation for the omniscient.
What's this? It appears someone is contacting him. More bothersome uncertainty. How is it this youngster is able to relay an unsolicited message? He doesn't even have an account name.
|PESTERLOG|
GC: H3Y WH1T3 T3XT GUY GC: 1 H4V3 4 T1P FOR YOU How were you able to contact me? Never mind, I figured it out instantly. GC: R34LLY? Yes, through my limitless intellect. Occasionally I discover there are things I have not always known. It gives me the opportunity to make deductions, which are practically always flawless. It's gratifying. GC: UH OK GC: TH4TS N34T 1 GU3SS You asked your clever friend with the colorful spectacles to trace the source of my messages. He then established a relay for your messages to reach this source through some sort of computational proxy. I gather he has recovered from his implementation as a weapon in the sabotage of your mutual friend, whom you both believe to be dead. GC: OH MY GOD WH1T3 T3XT GUY! GC: SHUT UP! >:O GC: 1M TRY1NG TO G1V3 YOU 4 M3SS4G3 H3R3 I have a name. It is not White Text Guy. GC: OH WHAT 1S 1T I'm not going to tell you my name. But if you wish, you may refer to me as Mr. Vanilla Milkshake. GC: YOU 4R3 SO W31RD GC: WHY WOULD 1 DO TH4T It is perfectly in keeping with a habit which you will develop in the future. GC: 1 DOUBT 1T Why? GC: SOUNDS K1ND OF S1LLY 4ND FR1VOLOUS GC: BL4R WHY DO YOU K33P D3R41L1NG M3! GC: YOUR3 R1GHT SOLLUX 1S WORK1NG W1TH M3 4ND W3 H4V3 1MPORT4NT BUS1N3SS FOR YOU TO CONS1D3R GC: W41T GC: YOU S41D W3 B3L13V3 OUR FR13ND 1S D34D GC: 1S SH3 NOT? Yes, I said you believe she is dead. And soon, you will believe she is not. Both statements are true. And yet each exhibits a trace of falsehood. GC: WOW WHY D1D 1 BOTH3R 4SK1NG GC: NO WOND3R SH3 SN4PP3D SH3S GOT TO D34L W1TH YOUR STUP1D R1DDL3S 4LL TH3 T1M3 GC: 4NYW4Y C4N YOU JUST H3LP M3 G3T R3V3NG3 SO W3 C4N C4LL 1T 4 N1GHT Why would I involve myself in your paltry feud beyond the extent I already have? I believe the need to exert such influence has come to an end. GC: B3C4US3 YOULL W4NT TO GC: WH3N YOU H34R WH4T 1 H4V3 TO S4Y I doubt it. GC: H4V3NT YOU WOND3R3D HOW SH3 C4N COM3 CLOS3 TO B34T1NG YOU 1N G4M3S L4T3LY GC: HON3STLY 1M SURPR1S3D YOU H4V3NT D3DUC3D 1T Y3T GC: W1TH YOUR SH1NY WH1T3 SUP3RBR41N It's disturbing. But sometimes that is the nature of these hollows in my perception. It feels a bit like dark water, sloshing about the cavity in my head. What do you know of this? GC: SH3S CH34T1NG GC: SH3 4LW4YS CH34TS 1F SH3 C4N F1ND 4 W4Y GC: L4T3LY SH3S US3D TH3 S4M3 4DV4NT4G3 SH3 US3S 4G41NST M3 WH3N W3 PL4Y G4M3S GC: BUT SH3 TOLD M3 4BOUT 1T GC: SH3 T3LLS M3 LOTS OF STUFF L1K3 TH4T PROB4BLY TO RUB 1T 1N MY F4C3 GC: BUT SH3D N3V3R R1SK T3LL1NG YOU What advantage is this? GC: HOLD ON GC: 1 H4V3 TO T4LK TO YOUR P4RTN3R 1N CR1M3 FOR 4 S3COND >:] I thought you were hers. GC: >:P
|PESTERLOG|
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]
GC: H3Y VR1SK4 GC: 4NYTH1NG TO S4Y AG: Ummmmmmmmm, no? AG: A8out what? GC: 4BOUT K1LL1NG H3R GC: 4FT3R YOU S41D YOU WOULDNT AG: Oh, that? I thought we were done talking a8out it! AG: We concluded I messed up and I'm completely horri8le in every way. AG: I can only feel SO AWFUL, you know. Here, I'm 8anging my head against the desk now. AG: 8ang 8ang 8ang. Are you happy? GC: NOT R34LLY AG: Uuuuuuuugh, what do you want from me???????? GC: 1M NOT SUR3 GC: 1 GU3SS 1M LOOK1NG FOR SOM3 R34SON TO CH4NG3 MY M1ND GC: 1 DONT KNOW WH4T YOU C4N S4Y TH4TLL DO 1T GC: 1 SORT4 HOP3 TH3R3S SOM3TH1NG THOUGH AG: You should lighten up a 8it. May8e even congratul8 me! AG: Wow, great jo8 Vriska! Single handedly taking out Team Charge like that. AG: No more competition from those low class clowns! GC: N4H TH4T W4SNT 1T AG: Ok, well, change your mind a8out what! AG: What are you going to do, Pyrope! GC: 1 W4S PROB4BLY JUST GO1NG TO K1LL YOU AG: Hahahahahahahaha! AG: You mean from your tree? With all your AMAAAAAAAAZING POWERS? AG: Tell me, what sort of powers do tree girls have? Swinging from vines and stuff? GC: MY TR33 DO3SNT H4V3 V1N3S >:[ GC: SOM3T1M3S 1 L3T OTH3R P3OPL3 SW1NG FROM ROP3S THOUGH >:] GC: Y34H 4NYW4Y YOULL B3 D34D 1N 4 COUPL3 M1NUT3S AG: Yeah right!!!!!!!! AG: Complete and total muscle8east shit! GC: 1F YOU DONT B3L13V3 M3 GC: WHY DONT YOU CONSULT W1TH YOUR L1TTL3 4DV4NT4G3 GC: 1T S33MS TO H4V3 4LL TH3 4NSW3RS AG: I don't need to do that to know you're 8luffing. GC: Y34H GC: BUT GC: YOU KNOW YOUR3 GONN4 4NYW4Y GC: 4DD1CT1ON 1S 4 POW3RFUL TH1NG >:] GC: S33 Y4
You consult with your MAGIC CUE BALL, an extremely rare treasure you recently plundered from an ancient crypt, and one of many rumored to be hidden across the globe. Each at one time belonged to the strange and powerful man fabled to live on the green moon, but have since managed to escape his vision.
It is said to make predictions with alarming precision and specificity. Unfortunately it lacks a portal on its surface that allows you to view the prediction.
So who could say for sure whether its predictions were accurate? It would require someone with x-ray vision.
You channel your powerful eyesight through your customized lenses and whisper to the faithful little oracle: Should you be worried about Terezi's threat?
|PESTERLOG|
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
AG: What's your deal???????? AA: what d0 y0u mean AG: Did you just zap Equius into the game? His hive disappeared! AA: are y0u n0t happy ab0ut that AG: Hell no! I was supposed to get your surprise present from him! Um, that he was keeping for me! 8ut only temporarily! AG: And then we were going to jump in the g8me tog8ther! As co-le8ders! Remem8er???????? AA: y0u were ab0ut t0 be killed by his hive AA: pr0ceeding with that plan w0uldnt have made sense AA: we certainly d0nt need tw0 dead players AG: 8ut! AG: Aaaaaaaah! AG: You knew this was going to happen! You were planning it all along! You're planning all this. I know a schemer when I see one! AA: yes it was the plan AA: it had t0 g0 this way AG: No! It had to go the way we said it would. I was going to give you the present I convinced him to m8ke for you. Me! It wo8ldn't have got m8de if not f8r me! AG: And then you could have a 8ody again and everyth8ng would 8e fine. Then we could go 8ack to 8eing friends again. AA: were we ever really friends AG: Yeah!!!!!!!! AG: I don't know. I felt like we were even if you didn't think so. AG: I guess I'm not very good at acting like a friend. Or saying stuff like, hey friend! You're my friend! It doesn't really occur to me. AG: 8ut we were! Why would you play with me if you didn't think I was your friend? AA: i d0nt remember AA: it d0esnt matter AG: 8arf. More of this apathetic 8aloney. Why don't you cut the ghost girl act already? I get it! You're dead and spooky. AA: ribbit AG: Hm. AG: Uh, okay? AG: Haha. Pretty odd! AA: s0rry AG: That's cool, you can ri88it if you want. In a weird way it almost makes you sound normal! AG: So what now? I guess you and Equius co-lead since he managed to usurp me. That cunning 8astard. AG: I guess I follow you into the game instead? Fine 8y me! I'll follow you guys. Just give me my orders, 8oss. AA: n0 AA: y0ure n0t 0n the blue team AG: Oh what the fuuuuuuuuck! AA: y0u were never g0ing t0 be AG: I get it. I finally see now. This is your revenge. AG: You finally did it, Megido. You got me pretty good. Well played. AA: its n0t revenge AA: y0u were always supp0sed t0 be 0n the red team AA: y0ull believe me later AA: when y0u wake up AG: What a load of SHIIIIIIIIT. You've 8een plotting your revenge since day one. And I fell for it like a sucker. Can't say I 8lame you. AA: ive never th0ught ab0ut revenge at all AG: 8ut why not! AG: I killed you!!!!!!!! AA: i d0nt care AG: AAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!! AG: You're so infuri8ing! Why c8n't you just h8 me? It would 8e a lot easier th8t way. AG: Or at least feel 8othered or annoyed or S8METHING! God!!!!!!!! AG: May8e I sh8uld just rip my he8rt out of my chest and pound it to a 8loody pulp here on my desk with my sup8r strong ro8ot arm. AG: Pound pound pound pound pound pound pound pound! AG: Look at that, more nasty 8lue 8lood all over me. Why not! Might as well op8n the floodg8s and p8nt my whole hive with this oh so envia8le cerulean SWILL. AG: 8ecause clearly it's up to me to feel em8tions for the 8oth of us, you misera8le soulless witch! AA: 0_0 AG: I h88888888 you! AG: H8 h8 h8 h8 h8 h8 h8 haaaaaaaate! AG: I only regret killing you cause it m8de you so 8ORING!!!!!!!! AA: s0rry AG: I don't want to 8e on the red team. ::::( AG: It's full of jerks who just think I'm a 8ig jerk. AA: they need y0u th0ugh AA: and its where y0u need t0 be AA: karkat will be in t0uch with y0u s00n AG: Oh god, I can't w8 for THAT convers8tion. AA: als0 if its any c0ns0lati0n AA: the teams are meaningless anyway AG: What? Why would that 8e consol8tion? It's more vague spooky nonsense! AG: Fuck you for me trying to help you. AG: Fuck the 8lue team, fuck your conniving, fuck Equius's dou8ledealing and the stupid muscle8east he rode in on, and fuck you for s8ving my life. AG: FUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!
|PESTERLOG|
centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
CT: D --> Aradia, here's the deal CT: D --> Now that the game has begun, the plan will be modified slightly CT: D --> We will not be co-leaders of the b100 team CT: D --> I alone will be the leader CT: D --> Is that understood AA: thats fine CT: D --> Good CT: D --> Wait CT: D --> You have no objection CT: D --> Are you sure AA: n0 AA: im 0k with it CT: D --> Do you typically embrace such a passive attitude when your superiors give you orders AA: i d0nt usually receive 0rders fr0m superi0rs 0r 0therwise AA: but really its fine CT: D --> Hmm AA: what CT: D --> I think I should get a towel CT: D --> I'm perspiring heavily again AA: why AA: whats wr0ng CT: D --> Never mind CT: D --> I'm trying to stay professional about this AA: ab0ut what AA: what are y0u talking ab0ut CT: D --> Forget it CT: D --> It's just pleasant to consort with one of lesser breeding who clearly understands her place AA: ive underst00d f0r s0me time that this will be my r0le AA: t0 functi0n as y0ur server player AA: and that y0u w0uld be the team leader as the first in the chain CT: D --> Perfect CT: D --> Then we are on the same page CT: D --> I 100k forward to seeing how well you serve me, server player AA: uh AA: thats n0t quite the meaning 0f the w0rd server CT: D --> What do you mean AA: as y0ur server i manipulate y0ur envir0nment t0 help y0u advance CT: D --> I don't understand CT: D --> Are you CT: D --> Are you saying CT: D --> That CT: D --> You are in a position of control over me AA: i supp0se s0 CT: D --> Oh AA: what CT: D --> Oh my God AA: 0_0 CT: D --> This is CT: D --> Impropriety of a caliber I cannot even CT: D --> It's CT: D --> You are as low on the hemosprectrum as possible CT: D --> To consider that someone so low could be in a position of authority over me is CT: D --> It's just so CT: D --> Disgusting AA: y0u really are quite a sn0b CT: D --> No it's CT: D --> FILTHY AA: 0_0 CT: D --> I need some air CT: D --> Or some cold milk CT: D --> Or a towel, I need a towel CT: D --> Where the fuck are all my fresh towels CT: D --> I mean CT: D --> Fiddlesticks, please pardon my language CT: D --> It won't happen again AA: y0u l00k really agitated AA: are y0u sure y0ure alright
|PESTERLOG|
CT: D --> I'm fine CT: D --> I'll be fine CT: D --> I just need to breathe CT: D --> And to break something possibly AA: break s0mething CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> It helps me rela% AA: 0h AA: i think i understand CT: D --> Do you AA: i like breaking things AA: i didnt used t0 but n0w i d0 AA: its fun AA: um AA: hell0 AA: are y0u sure y0ure 0k CT: D --> Yes AA: y0u really d0 l00k like y0ure sweating pretty hard CT: D --> I just need a blasted towel CT: D --> Where ever did that Aurthour get off to AA: maybe y0u sh0uld break s0mething AA: t0 try t0 calm d0wn CT: D --> Perhaps AA: d0 y0u want me t0 break s0mething CT: D --> Whoa what AA: i c0uld break s0mething if y0u want CT: D --> Do you CT: D --> Want to break something AA: kind 0f CT: D --> I, uh CT: D --> Ok
|PESTERLOG|
AA: equius im ab0ut t0 thr0w an abluti0n trap thr0ugh y0ur wall AA: heads up CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> Yes that was wonderful AA: it was pretty c00l CT: D --> But could you please refrain from dipping into the vernacular of commoners CT: D --> In fact, this is an order from your leader CT: D --> Call things by their proper names AA: what AA: y0u want me t0 call it a bath tub AA: that s0unds ridicul0us CT: D --> Nevertheless, do it AA: fine CT: D --> Now CT: D --> Could you please CT: D --> Uh CT: D --> Do that again AA: what AA: y0u want me t0 thr0w the trap thr0ugh y0ur wall again AA: i mean the tub CT: D --> Yes AA: is that an 0rder CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> Wait CT: D --> I don't know AA: what d0nt y0u kn0w CT: D --> Maybe I don't want to order you to CT: D --> Maybe I want CT: D --> You to do whatever things that you want to do AA: i really have n0 idea what y0ure talking ab0ut CT: D --> You could cause quite a bother for me, with the power you wield CT: D --> I can do nothing to stop you, peasant girl CT: D --> It's so magnificently depraved AA: y0u are s0 weird AA: and this is c0ming fr0m a gh0st AA: ribbit CT: D --> What was that CT: D --> Are you role playing now CT: D --> Stop, it's unbecoming AA: s0rry CT: D --> You're better than that CT: D --> And by better, I mean worse CT: D --> Much, much worse CT: D --> Downright coarse and degenerate CT: D --> Just reprehensibly sordid AA: 0_0 CT: D --> Actually CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> You may role play and proceed to deepen this already irretrievable debauchery CT: D --> In fact I command it CT: D --> I command you to have free will and do as you please CT: D --> And continue being bothersome and unpredictably destructive CT: D --> I mean CT: D --> If you want AA: im n0t really r0le playing AA: im part fr0g AA: but 0k AA: i guess i can break s0me m0re stuff AA: ribbit CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> Ribbit again AA: i cant really c0ntr0l the ribbits
|PESTERLOG|
CT: D --> I will make haste through this mysterious realm and find your gate CT: D --> It will pose no challenge for me at all AA: yeah i kn0w CT: D --> I will then give you your new body, and you may take your rightful place as my subordinate AA: sure CT: D --> Actually CT: D --> Now I'm beginning to wonder AA: what CT: D --> Whether I want you to be my subordinate CT: D --> Hmm CT: D --> I hope this doesn't sound too strange AA: everything y0u say s0unds strange CT: D --> Maybe I would like you to be the co-leader again AA: 0k CT: D --> In fact CT: D --> Oh my goodness, I can't believe I'm entertaining this thought CT: D --> It feels just vile CT: D --> Try not to roll your eyes at me AA: i d0nt have pupils CT: D --> Would you mind terribly CT: D --> Being the leader AA: fine CT: D --> But CT: D --> Don't tell anyone CT: D --> You will be the leader of me, and I will lead all else CT: D --> You would in effect be the secret leader AA: yeah sure AA: thats pretty much h0w it is anyway CT: D --> Yes, that's the spirit CT: D --> You take to authority well for one of your b100d AA: i d0nt have bl00d CT: D --> Not yet CT: D --> But soon your heart will beat anew, and through it, fresh b100d and fresh passion AA: 0_0 AA: w0w uh AA: can y0u just bring me the r0b0t already CT: D --> On my way
|SPRITELOG|
ARADIASPRITE: it l00ks nice EQUIUS: D --> Yes EQUIUS: D --> It is perfect in every way ARADIASPRITE: ribbit EQUIUS: D --> Do you EQUIUS: D --> Have a clean towel anywhere
|SPRITELOG|
EQUIUS: D --> I think it suits you EQUIUS: D --> Much more so than the form of a levitating ghostly amphibian EQUIUS: D --> How does it feel ARADIABOT: it feels ARADIABOT: different! EQUIUS: D --> Ok EQUIUS: D --> But I mean EQUIUS: D --> Do you feel anything else ARADIABOT: uh EQUIUS: D --> Any sort of EQUIUS: D --> Stirring sensations ARADIABOT: stirring? EQUIUS: D --> Yes EQUIUS: D --> Such as EQUIUS: D --> Sensations which may be stirred by flowing b100d and a beating heart ARADIABOT: im n0t sure EQUIUS: D --> Can you detect anything within you might describe as EQUIUS: D --> Smoldering passion EQUIUS: D --> I mean EQUIUS: D --> Just out of curiosity ARADIABOT: wait ARADIABOT: what is that EQUIUS: D --> What's what ARADIABOT: this feeling ARADIABOT: 0h g0d ARADIABOT: 0H MY G0D WHAT DID Y0U D0!
|SPRITELOG|
ARADIABOT: did y0u pr0gram this r0b0t t0 have feelings f0r y0u? ARADIABOT: R0MANTIC FEELINGS??? EQUIUS: D --> Hrrrk ARADIABOT: ANSWER ME BLUE BL00D SCUM EQUIUS: D --> I EQUIUS: D --> Yes EQUIUS: D --> Uh EQUIUS: D --> It's a chip in your heart EQUIUS: D --> Is that not ok ARADIABOT: get it 0ut EQUIUS: D --> Urrk EQUIUS: D --> I guess I can EQUIUS: D --> Uninstall it if you would just ARADIABOT: GET IT 0UT!!! EQUIUS: D --> Sorry EQUIUS: D --> I'll EQUIUS: D --> Hrrrrrrk ARADIABOT: GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT
You consult your SHIPPING WALL. Clearly some changes are in order. You must admit you didn't see this one coming, even with your remarkable matchmaking acumen.
You should probably recolor all the Aradia panels so she looks like a robot too. It is a major commitment keeping up with all your ships, but it is worth it.
|PESTERLOG|
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]
CG: OK THIS IS GOING TO SOUND PREPOSTEROUS GIVEN OUR LAST CONVERSATION. CG: AND I GUESS PRACTICALLY EVERY CONVERSATION PRECEDING IT. CG: AND I'M PROBABLY GOING TO HAVE TO DO SOMETHING COMPLETELY DISGUSTING LIKE APOLOGIZE. CG: AND EVEN THOUGH I'LL HATE MYSELF FOR IT I WILL TOTALLY MEAN IT, I PROMISE. CG: LIKE, REALLY REALLY MEAN IT. AG: You're going to ask me to join your team, aren't you. CG: YEAH. CG: HOW DID YOU KNOW. AG: I don't seem to have much choice now! Aradia kicked me off the good team. CG: HAHAHAHA WOW THAT IS GREAT. CG: WAIT, SORRY. CG: NO WAIT, I DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE NOW. CG: I APOLOGIZE TO MYSELF FOR OFFERING YOU A SHITTY MEANINGLESS APOLOGY. CG: APOLOGY ACCEPTED, KARKAT. LET'S BURY THE THRESHER WITH A TOTALLY PLATONIC BRO BULGE BUMP. CG: BUMP HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. AG: You dork. AG: Do you really think your usual pedantic quips are going to 8ug me now???????? CG: I'M NOT TRYING TO BUG YOU I'M TRYING TO GET YOU TO JOIN MY DAMN TEAM, NOW STEP IN LINE SERKET. AG: I was just 8etrayed and a8andonded 8y my two accomplices and 8est pals, and on top of that I am soaked in the 8lood of my lusus which I just had to decapit8 myself. AG: So listening to a cra88y asshole 8e all tickled with his own mediocre retorts isn't going to spoil my evening! CG: OK, WELL, SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT THAT. CG: BUT I MEAN YOU CAN JUST DUMP HER CARCASS IN THE KERNEL AND BRING HER BACK STRONGER THAN EVER. AG: Wow. AG: Uh, good to know. AG: I guess. ::::\ CG: NOW WHY DON'T YOU HOP IN THE TRAP, WASH THAT NASTY BLUE SHIT OFF, AND JOIN OUR FUCKING SESSION ALREADY. AG: What! It's so rude to dict8 hygiene procedure to a lady. Under any circumstance! Even for douchey loudmouths with delusions of leadership. AG: May8e you should try to think a8out the dum8 things that fall out of your protein chute for once, Vantas. CG: BLAH BLAH BLAH. CG: NOW MY CHUTE IS DOING A FUCKING STELLAR IMPRESSION OF SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT. AG: Anyway, you know my 8lood's the prettiest and you'd o8viously kill to have it. CG: NO IT SUCKS. CG: TOTALLY HAPPY WITH MINE, NICE TRY THOUGH. AG: 8S! AG: Why would you hide 8ehind your lame gray anonymity then? AG: You do realize everyone thinks that's totally lame, right???????? CG: IT'S NOBODY'S BUSINESS. CG: I DON'T SEE WHY IT SHOULD BE A MATTER OF PUBLIC RECORD. CG: I'M NOT GOING TO WEAR THAT SHIT ON MY SLEEVE LIKE YOU DO. CG: LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY. CG: IT'S PRIVATE, SO EVERYONE CAN GO POINT THEIR PROBING BUSYBODY SNIFFNODES UP THEIR OWN IMPERTINENT SEED FLAPS. AG: Fine. Like anyone really cares! It's just lame and insecure. AG: So why don't you tell me what I've got to do here???????? I await instruction from my 8igshot a8looded leader. CG: OK FIRST THING'S FIRST. CG: YOU'VE GOT TO CONNECT WITH TAVROS QUICKLY AND GET HIM IN THE SESSION BEFORE HE GETS KILLED. AG: Uggggggggh. CG: WHAT. AG: Can't someone else do that? CG: NO. WHY. AG: XXXXO CG: WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL, JUST DO IT. AG: 8ut I h8 that guy! CG: WHO CARES. AG: This is your command decision? Getting someone who h8s a guy to save his life? Pretty weak, 8oss! CG: WHY DO YOU EVEN HATE HIM, IT'S FUCKING RIDICULOUS. CG: IF ANYTHING YOU SHOULD PITY HIM. CG: ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU WERE THE ONE WHO PARALYZED HIM. AG: I know. I don't really understand it. AG: It's just a really special kind of h8! It never goes away and it doesn't make a lot of sense. CG: THIS IS KIND OF A WEIRD TIME TO BE CONFIDING IN ME ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS OF BLACK ROMANCE BUT OK. AG: Oh god, what? CG: I MEAN IF YOU'RE REALLY IMPLYING TAVROS IS YOUR KISMESIS I THINK YOU'RE BRAYING UP THE WRONG FROND NUB. CG: BOTH PARTIES HAVE TO HATE EACH OTHER EQUALLY, I MEAN LIKE TRUE HATE. CG: MAYBE YOUR FEELINGS COME SOMEWHAT CLOSE TO FITTING THE BILL BUT I DON'T THINK HE CAN HATE ANYONE, IT'S WEIRD, HE'S KIND OF BROKEN IN THE HEAD. AG: Fuuuuuuuuck, WHAT are you talking a8out? CG: I THINK THIS SUBJECT IS BEYOND A LOT OF PEOPLE'S GRASP BUT I KNOW A LOT ABOUT IT, NOBODY EVER REALLY WANTS TO TALK TO ME ABOUT IT THOUGH. AG: Whoa really? Oh no shit, REALLY???????? CG: OK, MOST PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T HAD THEIR LOBE STEM CAUTERIZED ARE CAPABLE OF FEELING THE TWO PRIMARY EMOTIONS, HATE AND PITY. CG: PITY IS OF COURSE JUST THE TONED DOWN VERSION OF THE CENTRAL EMOTION, HATE. CG: AND ALL THE NUANCES OF PITY MANIFEST AS VARIOUS OTHER KINDS OF FEELINGS LIKE WHATEVER CHEMICAL REACTIONS TRIGGER MATING FONDESS OR THE MYSTERIOUS FORCES THAT ARE BEHIND MOIRALLEGIANCE. AG: Karkat, holy fuck. AG: So. AG: 8oring. CG: A WELL BALANCED PERSON IS IS GOING TO HAVE A GOOD DISTRIBUTION BETWEEN HATE AND THE VARIOUS PITY HUMORS. CG: HAVING A GOOD BALANCE KEEPS ALL THE EMOTIONS SHARPER, SEE I THINK THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM. AG: Oh???????? AG: I hope you know I already wore out some good note-taking pens today. All the pens. AG: All of them. CG: SEE, MY HATE IS LIKE A FINELY TUNED INSTRUMENT BECAUSE I'M AWARE OF THESE PRINCIPLES. CG: I COULD HATE A HOLE IN PARADOX SPACE ITSELF, STRAIGHT THROUGH TO A NEW REALITY FRESH FOR THE HATING. AG: Hahahahahahahaha, you don't even know how much I'm laughing at this. CG: BUT SEE, YOU'RE TOO HEAVY ON THE HATE SIDE, OR AT LEAST YOU PRETEND TO BE WHICH IS MAYBE WORSE. AG: You aren't reading anything I say are you? You just want to talk and talk and talk. CG: AND YOU THINK YOU'RE HATING UP EVERYONE HARD WHEN YOU'RE REALLY JUST BURNING OUT THAT ENTIRE EMOTIONAL HEMISPHERE. CG: IT'S LIKE LUKEWARM HATE. PRETENDER'S HATE, WITH NO COUNTERPOINT AT ALL. CG: AS SUCH THERE'S NO REAL SUBSTANCE TO YOUR HATE, IT'S LIKE A CARDBOARD MOVIE PROP. CG: WHICH IS WHY YOUR BRAIN IS BROKEN, KIND OF LIKE TAVROS'S BUT ON THE OPPOSITE HEMISPHERE I GUESS. CG: OR MAYBE YOUR BROKEN BRAIN LED TO THE IMBALANCE IN THE FIRST PLACE, I DON'T KNOW. CG: WHATEVER THE CASE IS, YOU'RE KIND OF EMOTIONALLY SCREWED, SORRY TO SAY. CG: YOUR HATE'S TOO DULL FOR A PROPER KISMESIS, IN MY OPINION. CG: AND I DON'T SEE ANYONE CHOMPING AT THE BIT TO BE YOUR MOIRAIL HONESTLY, UNLESS THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO WOULD ACTUALLY BOTHER PITYING YOU. CG: AND LANDING A MATESPRIT? HAHAHAHA! CG: SERIOUSLY, LIKE THAT WOULD EVEN INTEREST YOU. CG: BASICALLY ANY FEATURE OF YOUR EMOTIONAL PROFILE THAT USUALLY MAKES SOMEONE VIABLE IN THE REDROM DEPARTMENT MUST BE TOTALLY FRIED. CG: YOUR BLACKROM POTENTIAL'S PROBABLY TOAST TOO. CG: HEY. CG: ARE YOU THERE. AG: Oh, yeah. AG: I started tuning you out. AG: Are you done? CG: NO WAY, I COULD GO ON. CG: THIS IS FASCINATING, TELL ME HOW THE FUCK THIS ISN'T FASCINATING. AG: Did you learn this crap from your awful romance movies? CG: THEY'RE REALLY INTRIGUING SOCIOLOGICALLY. CG: INCREDIBLY COMPLEX, SOPHISTICATED STORIES, YOU WOULDN'T GET IT. AG: Hey asshole, stop watching movies for girls. CG: WHAT PART OF INTRIGUING SOCIOLOGICALLY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND. CG: ALSO THEY'RE AWESOME, SHUT UP. AG: Argh, ok! Man! Just let me connect to stupid 8oy-Dum8fuck so I don't have to listen to this anymore! CG: YEAH OK. CG: OH, WAIT! CG: I NEVER EVEN GOT TO THE DAMN POINT. AG: What is it now! CG: I DIDN'T NEED YOU SPECIFICALLY TO CONNECT TO TAVROS, I MEAN I COULD GET ANY SCHLUB TO DO THAT. CG: YOU JUST HAVE TO GET IN HERE ASAP BECAUSE I REALLY NEED YOUR MIND POWERS. AG: You do???????? AG: I mean. AG: O8viously you do. Duh. AG: What for? CG: I RAN INTO SOMEONE HERE. CG: A SORT OF DOUBLE AGENT I GUESS. CG: HIS NAME IS JACK.
|PESTERLOG|
CG: HE HAS SOME INSIDE INFORMATION ABOUT HIS KINGDOM. CG: HE WANTS TO WORK TOGETHER WITH US TO OVERTHROW THE BLACK QUEEN. CG: SO I SAID OK. CG: AND NOW I NEED YOUR HELP. AG: Um, ok. AG: I can try. AG: What does he know? CG: HE RECENTLY GOT HOLD OF SOME INTEL REGARDING A WEAKNESS IN THE QUEEN'S DEFENSES. CG: I DON'T KNOW ANY MORE THAN THAT. CG: BUT WE'VE GOT TO HURRY AND GET STARTED ON THIS THING, OR IT COULD GET KIND OF AWKWARD. AG: Awkward? What do you mean? CG: I MEAN HE'S JUST STANDING HERE NOW. CG: WAITING FOR ME I GUESS. CG: BUT IT'S OK, I THINK HE'S PRETTY MUCH SETTLED DOWN. AG: Settled down? CG: WELL, HE STABBED ME ONCE. AG: Oh, only once! AG: Are you sure you should trust him? I don't know if I would, 8ut hey I'm not the leader. CG: NO, NO, IT'S COOL. CG: HE'S COOL, IT'S FINE I DON'T REALLY MIND THE STABBING, IT WAS ALL A MISUNDERSTANDING. CG: WELL OK I'M PRETTY SURE HE MEANT TO STAB ME. CG: BUT I KIND OF THINK THAT'S LIKE CG: THE WAY HE GREETS PEOPLE? AG: This game is so stupid. CG: IN ANY CASE I THINK HE'S PROBABLY ALL STABBED OUT. AG: Whew!!!!!!!! AG: Oh, man. AG: Since you're 8leeding I should ask Terezi what color your 8lood is. CG: GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. CG: SHE CAN'T SEE ME OR SMELL ME OR ANYTHING, I'M WAY OUT OF MY HIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE ON THE PLANET. AG: Ok, then I'll ask Jack. CG: NO, JACK WON'T TELL, I MADE HIM PROMISE HE WOULDN'T TELL. AG: Dammit! Stupid lousy tightlipped sta8happy dou8le agents. AG: Doesn't Trollian have some kind of viewport feature? CG: YEAH BUT I'M PRETTY SURE ONLY SOLLUX KNOWS HOW TO SET THAT UP, AND HE'S BEEN INCOMMUNICADO FOR HOURS FOR SOME REASON. CG: ANYWAY THAT WHOLE FEATURE SEEMS TOTALLY INVASIVE AND LARGELY POINTLESS TO ME, SO JUST FORGET IT. AG: Yeah ok, here we are a8out to em8ark on an espionage mission. A spying tool sounds totally useless! AG: Another gr8 point, captain. CG: WHATEVER. CG: JUST GET YOUR ASS IN HERE SO WE CAN DETHRONE THIS GODDAMN QUEEN. CG: IT'LL MEAN ONE LESS GOD BOSS WE HAVE TO FIGHT. AG: Fine, I'll be right there. AG: Just try not to lose too much of your mystery blood and die.
You find the kid you've been looking for. He's got a pretty sharp tongue and can't seem to keep it sheathed. He should learn up front you're no stranger to sharp objects yourself.
He still won't shut up. He doesn't seem to care about the wound. He's just going on and on about the freakish color of his blood. He doesn't want you to look at it. Just look away, he says.
It seems he's the only one of his kind with this mutant candy-red blood. An outcast. He thinks he was put on this planet covered in an ocean of his own blood to be taunted. Punished for something.
Saddest story you ever heard. Got to do something to shut him up.
You and your like-blooded accomplice soon put OPERATION REGISURP into motion, a contingency plan which the archagent conveniently had on file and named himself. If it were drafted by a legitimate contingency firm, it would ostensibly have been given a better title.
Your whole team executes the plan along the course of its journey, employing espionage, mind control tactics, political sabotage, vicious interrogations and cold blooded assassinations. Everyone does their part and you begin to learn the true meaning of teamwork, as well as this troll disease called friendship.
But before a single step is taken, Jack briefs you on the intelligence uncovered by one of his agents. It is an advantage over the queen you will seize upon while she has let her guard down.
With each prototyping by each player, the royalty of both sides would evolve. The queen with her RING OF ORBS TWELVEFOLD would first take on the claws and ridged carapace of your lusus. And then the wings and scales of Terezi's young dragon. And then the horns and gills and cloven hooves of Gamzee's fallen custodian. And so it would continue.
Though a queen is a vain creature, she is also sworn to her duty. She would be braced for the heavy load of augmentation ahead. She could certainly withstand the eight eyes of an arachnid. The fairy wings might at worst be frivolous, and the great bull horns could even be regarded as striking additions. For that matter, the sultry lips of a mother grub might very plausibly suit her. She perhaps would wear a brave face even behind a dignified mustache, and the centauring of her lower torso could transpire without much complaint. She would dutifully indulge a lactating udder. And when all was said and done, doubling her head count would surely be insult to elevenfold injury, but nothing she hadn't essentially endured already, all in the name of her kingdom.
But she would spare herself all of these additional debasements. Because before the rest came, there would be one corruption to her figure she could not abide. Her vanity wouldn't allow it.
She could not stand bearing the visage of the most loathsome creature known to existence. So vile is its appearance, so contemptible its purpose, all depictions of the creature let alone members of its population are permanently banned from any jurisdiction in the reach of her agents. Those of its kind go by many names, and so does the reviled patron god they herald - THE GREAT DETESTATION, KING PONDSQUATTER, SPEAKER OF THE VAST JOKE, or most commonly, BILIOUS SLICK.
His true name is of course forbidden. And wearing his face is where she drew the line.
She removed the ring and concealed it in the ROYAL VAULT while she was quite sure no one was looking. She then retired to her private chamber from which she would dispatch orders, no one the wiser of her disadvantage.
But at the onset, you would know nothing of the queen's aversion to an amphibious likeness, or about her orbs twelvefold, or any such details. You were informed of her disadvantage, and would act accordingly. You and your red teammates would work to dethrone the queen in your session, while the blue team members would take on the entirely separate set of royal adversaries in their own session. This was to be a competition, after all.
Though the signs pointed to two distinct sessions - two sets of mystic ruins, two opposing teams, two separate chains of connected players - this was all misleading.
You were joining a particularly unusual bifurcated session, meant from the start to receive all twelve players through two separate connection chains. A session with one Skaia about which twelve planets would circle. With one army of dark and one of light. With one pair of kings and one pair of queens. And with one cantankerous archagent and his typical disdain for authority. It wouldn't be until later in the session when the full chain was nearly closed that you would realize the truth.
The truth was it had always been the same session all along. That your teams were not competing, but cooperating toward a common goal.
In the more drawn out form of this adventure's narrative, figuring this out would have been a huge deal. We would have been completely blown away by this stunning revelation.
But since we've decided to engage this epic in shorthand, you feel you must insist that we continue with this expository interlude.
It would turn out the arrangement of planets looked like this, rather. Bifurcated from each other, each team appearing to comprise a distinct chain in a distinct session without the luxury of the complete picture we see here.
It appeared that way until it was time to link the two chains, completing the circuit of twelve and uniting the teams.
For these final two links, Skaia had a plan, as it did with the order of every preceding link, and as it did with the paradoxical seeding of its own players on the surface of the planet it would later devastate to buy itself time. Its plan was as inescapable as all others, as inevitable as the reckoning it would ultimately face.
After watching the phrases MOBIUSDOUBLE and REACHAROUND toggle for a few minutes while in a sort of stupor, you finally snap out of it. Your attention drifts toward these two symbols.
You would try to be these mysterious characters but you suspect you would fail, so you don't bother.
They're way too mysterious for you to be them yet! Seriously, what's up with these guys? Do they live under water or something? What's their deal!
For that matter, what about this young lady? What is HER deal???
We'll probably find out about her later too. It will probably be quite some time before you get to be her. It could very well be pages and pages and pages.
You are one of the few of your kind who can withstand the BLISTERING ALTERNIAN SUN, and perhaps the only who enjoys the feel of its rays. As such, you are one of the few of your kind who has taken a shining to LANDSCAPING. You have cultivated a lush oasis around your hive, and in particular, you have honed your craft through the art of TOPIARY, sculpting your trees to match the PUFFY ORACLES from your dreams. You have embraced the tool of this trade, which conveniently is the weapon of choice for those who would hunt the HEINOUS BROODS OF THE UNDEAD which crawl from the sand at sunrise to feast on the light and the living.
It would be convenient if you actually hunted them, but it is of course far too dangerous, every bit as suicidal as attempting to poach the terrible MUSCLEBEASTS who roam at night. So you indulge in your bright fascination with the grim through literature. Just before the sun goes down and you join your flora in rest, you immerse yourself in tales of RAINBOW DRINKERS and SHADOW DROPPERS and FORBIDDEN PASSION.
You are one of the few of your kind with JADE GREEN BLOOD. As such you are one of the few who could be selected and raised by a VIRGIN MOTHER GRUB, an event so rare as to elude documented precedent. She would defend you from desert threats, and though her life would be short, in time you would assure her of progeny.
You are one of the few of your kind whose affection for the aesthetic strongly overpowers instinctive regard for the utilitarian. As such, you are one of the few of your kind who has developed a zeal for FASHION and DESIGN and LIVELY COLORFUL PATTERNS. You decorate your hive with FLORA and FABRIC, as delicately or aggressively as inspiration demands. You are a SEAMSTRESS or a RAGRIPPER or a TREETRIMMER or a LUMBERJACK, whichever you care to be, and your unique hive is equipped with a great supply of advanced technology to accommodate your interests. The technology and indeed the hive itself were all recovered from the ruins nearby when you were very young. The seed of your hive was deployed on the volcanic rocks beneath the sand with the assistance of your lusus and her remarkable burrowing skills, and you have lived there happily together since.
You know the ruins and the hive and everything here that is not sand and rock originated from the world of your dreams. You also know that one day you will visit this world while you are awake. That day is today.
Your trolltag is grimAuxiliatrix and you Tend To Enunciate Each Word You Speak Very Clearly And Carefully
|PESTERLOG|
cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]
CC: )(-ELLO! GA: Hey CC: KANAYA )(I! CC: Glub glub glub glub glub! CC: 38) GA: You Seem More Excited Than Usual GA: Or Less GA: I Cant Tell GA: Help Me Tell Without Saying Glub CC: Glub glub glub glub glub glub glub! GA: Im Going To Type This Face Now GA: :? GA: Even Though No One Knows How To Make A Mouth Do A Question Shape Like That CC: )(a)(a sorry! CC: I cant really control t)(e glubs. GA: Yes You Can GA: But Thats Fine You Can Glub To The Content Of Your Collapsing And Expanding Bladder Based Aquatic Vascular System GA: If It Means You Are Excited About Something CC: I AM -EXCIT-ED! GA: Ok Why CC: -Everyt)(ing we are about to do next is exciting. CC: It is always exciting. CC: I'm -EXCIT----------------ED! CC: Pc)(ooooo. GA: It Looks Like One Of Your Letters Got Away From You CC: )(a)(a yea)( I really launc)(ed t)(at one. GA: You Forked An Innocent D Loitering Over There By The Shout Pole Minding Its Own Business CC: )(-E)(-E! CC: Glub glub glub! CC: )(-EY! Lets stop being retarded for a minute. GA: Yeah Sure CC: I am just worked up about t)(is game, it will be great. CC: Ive been waiting a long time to get started! We all )(ave. GA: I Thought So GA: I Have Been Cloaked In A Mood Of Perpetual Anticipation For Some Time As Well CC: We s)(ould compare notes. Even t)(oug)( we are on different teams! GA: Well GA: Not Really CC: )(mm really? CC: See t)(is is w)(y we s)(ould be comparing notes! 38O GA: What Notes Would You Like To Submit For Comparison CC: )(mmmmmm. CC: Well I am going to join my team pretty late. CC: I t)(ink I )(ave to! CC: I will need to connect after my goofball moirail does so I can keep my goggles on )(is nefarious escapades. CC: Its a toug)( job but its important! Everyone )(as an important job to do. GA: Yeah CC: Isnt t)(at w)(at youre doing too? Joining late to keep an eye on yours? GA: I Dont Know For A Fact That She Is Mine CC: )(a)(a youre not supposed to know for a FACT dummy! CC: You just do w)(at you t)(ink is rig)(t and even if you were wrong t)(e worst t)(at )(appened was you )(elped somebody and )(elped t)(e w)(ole world too! GA: I Know GA: But What If I Dont Really Want Her To Be That CC: Glub glub glub glub S)(RUG. GA: Yeah Glub Glub Shrug Is The Right Attitude I Think GA: Our Minds Are Already Made Up Anyway Arent They CC: Yes probably! CC: Your clouds tell you everyt)(ing so w)(at do you even )(ave to worry about? GA: They Dont Tell Me Everything GA: Just As I Am Sure She Doesnt Whisper Everything To You CC: T)(ats true. CC: O)( s)(ucks now Im going to get sad. CC: S)(e will be gone soon. 38( CC: T)(oug)( I guess it will be a relief not to )(ave to worry about keeping )(er voice down anymore! GA: I Wonder If Any Other Kid On The Planet Has As Many Burdens In The Fire As You GA: I Doubt It CC: T)(ey arent burdens! CC: Ok I guess t)(ey are )(a)(a. CC: But I love t)(em and I wouldnt )(ave it any ot)(er way because t)(is is w)(y Im )(ere! CC: On t)(at note I t)(ink Im going to go say goodbye to )(er. Maybe you s)(ould too w)(ile you )(ave t)(e c)(ance! CC: Even t)(oug)( Ill see )(er again soon w)(ic)( still seems kind of strange to me. CC: But t)(ats w)(y t)(is is all so -EXCITING! CC: KANAYA BY----------------------------E!
Look at this mess. All this blood and sunlight is stirring bright feelings within. You often fantasize about being a true rainbow drinker from your literature. It would be a life of darting between the shadows, of persecution and being misunderstood. And of ROMANCE. You would drink heavily from its multicolored well, and the hemospectrum would be your wine list preceding the great feast of passion.
Surely it couldn't hurt. While no one is looking...
|PESTERLOG|
AG: Whaaaaaaaat. GA: Just Wanted To Know GA: Is Your Lusus Dead Yet
You then proceed to have the rest of this conversation we already read, bugging and fussing and meddling through the special and magical union one can only describe as being in moirallegiance with another.
At least, you guess that's how you would describe it. Maybe.
You will put her out of your mind for a while. It should be hours before you have to connect with her anyway. Might as well pack this thing up and head inside.
|PESTERLOG|
caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]
CA: kan make her talk to me do somethin GA: Who CA: your no good connivvin fuckin backstabbin girl crush thats wwho GA: Overstating Our Relationship Wont Make Me Feel Very Cooperative GA: Its Paler Red Than That Ok CA: pshhhhhh that is a fuckin laugh and you knoww it evveryone does CA: so help me out tell her to talk to me i think she blocked me you got to GA: Why Do I Got To GA: I Dont Got To And Every Time You Take My Help For Granted I Feel Like I Got To A Little Less CA: wwhatEVVER you are so the vvillage twwo wwheel devvice wwhen it comes to auspisticing CA: you cant let a grudge go by you wwont stick your busy stem betwwixt so get wwith the program fussyfangs GA: If Your Slander Werent So Predictable Id Block You Too For Saying That GA: Has It Occurred To You She May Have Blocked You Because You Are Vvery Ovverbearing GA: I Just Said That Aloud Now In Your Silly Accent And Had A Private Moment Of Enjoyment CA: wwho givves a shit wwhy she blocked me or about my fuckin manners come on youvve got a wway wwith her CA: i figure if youre going to auspisticize any twwo brinesuckers wwho sneer at each other a funny wway you might as wwell make it official and be ours right GA: Your Black Solicitation Just Seems Really Indecent GA: What Do You Want From Her Anyway CA: she made me somethin per a prior arrangement CA: she wwill delivver it wwhen wwe meet in this game but i dont knoww wwhat the logistics are yet CA: im tryin to connoiter wwith her here but shes blowwin me off again fickle dirtscrapin landhag GA: What Is It CA: kan stupid wwhat do you think its a fuckin gizmo to bloww up the wworld or somethin CA: ok wwell not that obvviously CA: but somethin thatll kill all land dwwellers wwhat else wwould i be after GA: Can You Just For A Moment Entertain The Thoughts Of One Untouched By Megalomaniacal Derangement And Tell Me Why Id Want To Assist You With That CA: wwell CA: im not goin to vvery wwell kill you am i that wwould be fuckin unconscionable CA: wwhat kind of friend wwould i be GA: Also Speculate For A Moment That Self Preservation Might Not Be What Would Sway My Decision CA: yeah go ahead and kiss us off but therell be blood on your hands CA: you could either play along as our auspistice and do a little mediating like you wwere fuckin hatched to CA: or wwatch she and me devvolvve into fuckin full fledged kismesisses the kind like you dont get once in ten thousand swweeps CA: you knoww thats wwhat it wwould be there wwould be rainboww rivvers runnin through star systems and all nebulizin like liquid firewworks CA: it wwill be beautiful and heartbreaking all at once CA: you should read up on your history instead of poring through that godawwfull sunny rubbish GA: Its Just GA: Laborious Listening To This GA: Im Sorry GA: None Of It Matters CA: yeah it does its important sorry but the fate of the race and purity of the bloodline is important excuse me for being concerned GA: I Know GA: But You Really Should Know By Now The World Will End Tonight Regardless GA: Land And Sea Dwellers Alike Will All Die GA: Because Of The Game We Are About To Play GA: And I Agree The Fate Of The Race Is Important But Its In My Hands Now GA: All Of Ours Really CA: huh CA: wwell ok GA: Really CA: ordinarily id call bullshit on terrible stinkin bs like that but i knoww you dont really lie about stuff CA: unless its to yourself CA: but thats wwhy i bother evven talking to you i wwouldnt evven be here SAYIN any of this otherwwise CA: so did your clouds tell you that GA: The Doomsday Scenario In Particular GA: No Not Exactly CA: i got clouds and they dont tell me SHIT they hide nothin but misfortune and monstrosities CA: fuckin pain in the ass fuckin clouds CA: so howw do you knoww then GA: I Have Another Source CA: ok wwell you are jacked tight the fuck into this thing in so many wways i dont knoww wwhat to say anymore CA: wwhatevver wwe wwill just play and find out i guess CA: so can you tell her to talk to me anywway GA: No CA: god dammit CA: she and me are teammates wwevve got to havve a powwwwoww or SOMETHING GA: You Arent Actually On The Same Team CA: fuck CA: fine i get it ill step off CA: you dont wwant to be our auspistice cause you dont wwant to get locked into that sort of relation wwith her i can respect that GA: No Thats Not It CA: yeah it is your real feelins run pretty awwful RUDDY methinks evverybody knowws it CA: especially that assblood karkat he and me havve you so pegged about that its upright silly CA: but its cool its totally fine dont wworry ill leavve you alone and givve you a shot GA: Its Unbelievable GA: Her Patience CA: wwhat CA: wwhoa wwait wwho GA: Never Mind CA: ok wwait did she talk to you today CA: wwhat did she say CA: or glub or wwhatevver GA: Something About Longing To Touch You Indiscretely CA: WWWWHAT GA: And That Shes Basically In The Scarlet Throes For You GA: As Deep In The Flushed Quadrant As One Can Be CA: wwait CA: did she actually say that CA: in confidence GA: To The Letter CA: can you copy exactly wwhat she said GA: Absolutely Not CA: this is bullshit youre bee essing me in some wway awwful CA: you dont lie but you do tease and ill tranfuse my kickass royal blood out wwith incontinent musclebeast discharge if i wwont knoww wwhen im gettin hooked GA: Yeah GA: Shes Just A Concerned Moirail GA: Looking Out For You GA: Thats All CA: awwww fuck CA: see im tellin you CA: you got to play your cards right GA: What Do You Mean CA: if youre not savvvvy about howw you define yourself to people CA: you can just splash into the moirail zone before you knoww wwhich wways upwward GA: Oh GA: Hmm CA: kan its hard GA: What CA: being a kid and growwing up CA: its hard and nobody understands
There is a lot to do before you enter. There will be a lot of people to talk to and help along the way. No, not meddle with or mediate. HELP, dammit! You are very helpful.
You have a lot of inside information on what you and your coplayers are about to face. You are jacked tight the fuck into this thing in so many ways we don't know what to say anymore. And it's not just cloud visions either.
In one dream, the clouds pointed you to the address of a server hidden in an obscure pocket of a realm unknowable to mortals. It contains a journal written by a young member of an alien species. She has documented her experiences playing the game you are about to play.
You can only assume this took place a long time ago. This race is likely ancient, preceding yours by millions of sweeps. Maybe billions! You like to try to imagine the adventures of these players. Were they successful in repopulating their race? Did they manage to protect their matriorb and hatch a new mother grub? Could they hold it together, or were they torn apart by the complex social dynamics, the matespritships and moirallegiences and auspisticisms and kismesissitudes that will surely plague your group along the way?
You have little doubt they succeeded with flying colors.
You have little doubt their victory was because of their leader, a great heroine, the TENTACLETHERAPIST. From what she recorded, it seems the group had very little knowledge of what they were getting into. And yet they appear to have been the only of their kind to have risen to the challenge in a session stacked heavily against them. You are convinced her leadership was the difference.
It would be nice to have the chance to talk to her. Alas, she's likely been dead for millennia. Only the incomplete record of a long forgotten quest remains.
On the other hand, if you were to discover her quest ended in failure, it might be somewhat disillusioning.
|PESTERLOG|
AT: i THINK THIS, iS, AT: pROBABLY MEANT TO ANTAGONIZE ME, AG: What are you talking a8out. Look at my 8eatiful 8uilding. Don't you think it's a8out time someone got a little cre8tive with this game???????? AT: uMMM, mAYBE, AG: Everyone always wants to do things the 8oring way. AG: Didn't we make a truce, Tavros? That we would try to 8e less 8oring from now on? AG: You don't want to 8reak your truce with me, do you Tavros? AT: nO, AG: Gr8. Now get clim8ing! AT: pLEASE DON'T READ THIS AS, AT: a BORING THING, i HOPE, AT: bUT, AT: iT'S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO DO THAT, mOSTLY, AG: Man. I knew it. Toreasnooze is 8ACK IN ACTION. AT: wHY DON'T YOU, iN LIKE, AT: a NOT BORING WAY, bUILD, AT: mORE INCLINED SURFACES, lIKE YOU DID OVER THERE, AT: mAYBE YOU COULD COLOR THEM, wITH FUN COLORS, AT: sO YOU WON'T THINK THEY'RE BORING AND GET ANGRY AT ME SOME MORE, AG: I 8uilt that ramp 8ecause we were in a hurry to save your life, remem8er? AG: A dead Tavros is even more 8oring than an alive and crippled Tavros 8y a slim margin. AG: My stair structure is lovely and I'm not changing it. AG: Now hop out of your wheel device and get clim8ing!!!!!!!! AT: uHH, AT: cLIMBING, AG: Or crawling. Whatever! Stop 8eing so helpless. It's pathetic. AT: iT WILL TAKE A LONG TIME, AG: What's the rush! You're in the game, safe and sound. Look in the sky. Do you see any meteors? I sure don't! AT: bUT, tHERE ARE IMPS AROUND, AT: aND i'LL BE SORT OF DEFENSELESS, AT: lYING DOWN ON STAIRS, AG: Siiiiiiiigh. AG: You did not just use that excuse. We 8oth know you can commune with these things. AG: Hey! Why don't you psychically command them to carry you up???????? AG: Oh my god that is a gr8 idea. Once again, leave it to Vriska to come up with the cre8tive solutions. AT: i WOULDN'T REALLY, AT: WANT TO MAKE THEM DO THAT, AT: i JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, wHY, AT: wE CAN'T DO THIS THE EASY WAY, AG: What good would that do you? AG: Whatever the purpose of this game is, it makes you work hard for it! AG: That way you 8ecome stronger along the way and you are 8etter prepared for whatever's next. AG: Remem8er when we used to flarp together???????? It was the exact same principle. And that's why you were always outmatched! You were too soft and not well prepared. AG: Nothing comes easy, Tavros. That is why we go through the trials in the 8rooding caverns when we are young. AG: To make sure we are strong when we come out! AG: Do you remem8er the trials, Tavros? AT: nOT VERY WELL, nO, AG: Well, I do, and they were a 8itch. AG: 8ut now that I think a8out it, it would make perfect sense if your trials were really easy 8y some mistake. AG: That is why you are such a soggy phlegm sponge, and why you got picked 8y such a sad, frail little lusus! AT: }:( AG: 8ut that's ok, it pro8a8ly wasn't your fault. Just a 8ad 8r8k! AG: You're lucky you have me as a server player, so I can challenge you and help you get strong. AG: Now hop out of that seat and get clim8ing! I will deliver the device to you once you are at the top. AG: Clim8, Pupa! AG: Cliiiiiiiiim8! AT: mAYBE i SHOULD ASK TINKERBULL ABOUT THIS, AT: hE'S REALLY SMART, nOW THAT HE CAN TALK, AG: No!!!!!!!! AG: You don't need help from your lame 8ull fairy. He is only holding you 8ack. AT: hE'S MY FRIEND, AG: God. Pathetic. AG: This is getting frustrating. AG: Why did I have to get stuck with the cripple? Just my luck. AG: Do you have any idea how inconvenient this is? Do you have any sympathy for what I'm dealing with here? AT: uHH, AG: You're so inconsider8. You just sit there looking smug. It's infuri8ing to look at you. AG: You haven't even thanked me! Or apologized for that matter!!!!!!!! AG: uHHHHHHHH THANKS VRISKA, fOR sAVING UHH MY LIFE, AG: uMMMMM IT SURE WAS 8RAVE AND HEROIC AND PRETTY OF YOU, AG: aLSO uMMM dUHHH,,,, uMMM,,, i AM SORRY FROM THE 8OTTOM OF MY NOOK,,,,,,,,,, AG: Seriously, how hard would that have 8een? AT: oKAY, AT: tHANKS, i GUESS, AT: bUT, AT: sORRY FOR WHAT, AG: For 8eing crippled, you ass! AT: yOU WANT ME TO APOLOGIZE, AT: fOR BEING PARALYZED, AG: Yes. AG: Say you're sorry. AT: i DON'T MEAN TO BE RUDE, oR bORING, AT: bUT THAT'S RIDICULOUS, gIVEN, AT: uH, tHE CIRCUMSTANCES, AG: 8ullshit! AG: It's something called 8asic decency and civility you fudge8looded 8oor. AG: Now get down on your useless wo88ly knees and apologize. AT: nO, i DON'T WANT TO, AG: >::::O
|PESTERLOG|
AG: Hey, what's your deal! AG: Shouldn't you 8e helping me out of this jam instead of fussing with my plum8ing???????? GA: Just Presenting A Floating Reminder That Tavros Will Need Plenty Of Inclined Surfaces For His Ascent AG: That's silly. I made so many ramps, you wouldn't even 8elieve it. AG: I specifically decided I wanted to 8uild something ugly and 8oring. It is now the land of ramps and yawns. GA: Hes Reported Otherwise AG: That lousy snitch! May8e I should take his computer away so he can't go crying to fussyfangs anymore. GA: Maybe I Should Upend This Load Gaper Over Your Head AG: No, don't! GA: Im Still Learning The Interface GA: It Could Happen Accidentally At Any Moment AG: I'm only trying to help him. ::::( GA: Think Of Another Way To Help AG: Fine. AG: I'll do something NICE. AG: I have an idea. I will 8e right 8ack. AG: And for the record, I was going to do this anyway! I was just trying to make him a 8etter player first. GA: Ok AG: In the meantime, how a8out I serve my client player the way I think is 8est, and you can do the same for yours???????? GA: Hmm GA: I Thought I Was
You make your way down to one of your innumerable LOOT STRONGHOLDS where you stash riches and gold and jewels and prizes plundered during your campaigns.
There they are. Your ROCKET BOOTS. You must confess you will find favor with just about any kind of footwear as long as it is bright red. You would wear these striking boots even if they were broken pieces of junk!
But as it happens they work just fine and they are awesome.
|PESTERLOG|
AT: yESSSS, aNOTHER PIECE FITS, AT: wE ARE MAKING SOME STRICT PROGRESS ON THIS PUZZLE, AG: Oh. That's cool I guess. AT: sO WHERE DO YOU THINK, iS THE NEXT ONE, AG: Um, I don't know? Pro8a8ly 8uried in the stupid sand somewhere like all the others. AT: oKAY, THAT'S MOSTLY WHAT i WAS THINKING TOO, bUT, AT: iT SUDDENLY DOESN'T SOUND LIKE YOU THINK THE PUZZLE IS COOL, AG: The puzzle sucks! All these puzzles suck. AG: If I have to help you put one more dum8 sla8 of 8oring rock into another stupid wall indent8tion I am going to put an indent8tion in my desk with my f8ce. AT: bUT IT, uHH, AT: iT LOOKS LIKE A FROG, AT: aND THAT'S KIND OF FUN, AG: Snore. These puzzles are for wigglers. I solved way 8etter puzzles than this in my heyday as Mindfang. AG: Oh look some ruins. Oh look another mysterious recess in the wall! I wonder if something fits in there???????? AG: It pro8a8ly just opens a secret passage to more wall indent8tions. I am so over this puzzle. AT: uHH, bUT, AT: tHEY ARE NECESSARY TO SOLVE, aREN'T THEY, AT: tO FIND NEW MAGIC ARTIFACTS AND THINGS, aND LEARN MORE ABOUT THE LORE OF THIS LAND, AG: Tavros, let me let you in on a little secret a8out the lore of your land. AG: It's 8oring!!!!!!!! AT: }:o AG: The minds of your consorts are very soft and impressiona8le. AG: As easily manipul8ed as all those imps you've 8een 8ossing around. AG: I have picked apart their tiny little lizard 8rains and seen through all the smoke and mirrors of their riddles. AG: I have gotten to the truth they are guarding. The great 8ig mystery 8ehind this planet. And you know what it is, Tavros? AT: nO, AG: It's 8ullshit! AG: Meaningless, 8oring, fanciful 8ullshit wrapped in flowery poems to keep you guessing. AG: It all leads to one thing anyway, and that's what we should put our attention on. AG: Real gamers cut to the chase. They power through all the nonsense and go for the gold. AG: They cheat, Tavros. AG: It is time you learned to start cheating. AT: i THOUGHT, i KIND OF WAS CHEATING, AT: bY MAKING FRIENDS WITH MONSTERS, AG: Well, it's a good start. You are 8ending the rules and getting stuff done. AG: Ok I will admit, I am fairly impressed with your progress so far. Even though you still pro8a8ly haven't even killed a single enemy!!!!!!! AT: uMM, AG: No, don't 8other. I know you haven't. AG: 8ut may8e that's ok. May8e it's just your style, and your real strength is surrounding yourself with allies who are much stronger than you. AG: Like me! AG: I'm sure there is more than one way up the echeladder. In your case pro8a8ly the only way is to roll gently up the echeramp. AG: The path of the invalid. AT: yEAH, i AGREE, AG: 8ut I think it's time to stop fucking around! You need to 8e challenged more. AG: I have 8een designing a quest for you that should test your true limits. AT: oHH, AT: iS THAT WHAT YOU WERE DOING, aLL THIS TIME, AG: Yes. AT: i MEAN, nOT THAT i DON'T, AT: aPPRECIATE IT, BUT, AT: dON'T YOU HAVE YOUR OWN QUEST TO DO, AG: Yeah, well, after she got me in the game, Kanaya just left me in the lurch, pro8a8ly 8ecause she's dealing with her own crisis now. AG: Which is just as well 8ecause I was starting to get nannied HARD. You wouldn't even 8elieve it. AT: nANNIED, AG: So I had some time to kill. AG: I drew you a map! AT: wHOAAA, AG: Here, take a look. AG: It marks what will 8e your new destination. Where you will find the ultim8 challenge.
|PESTERLOG|
AT: wHERE DOES IT GO, AG: I have determined from your consorts that there is a terri8le monster deep underground. AG: It guards a hoard of treasure 8igger than either of us can imagine! AG: It is called a denizen, and it is the 8oss of your whole planet. AG: Tavros, you will go and face your denizen. AT: wON'T THAT BE, AT: tOO DIFFICULT, AG: It will 8e the most powerful adversary you have ever met. AG: 8ut you can handle it. I 8elieve in you! AT: uM, tHANKS, AT: i MEAN, i RESPECT THAT YOU HAVE LOTS OF, AT: pIRATEY BRAVADO ABOUT STUFF, aND YOU TYPE FAST ABOUT IT, AT: bUT i THINK THIS IS FOOLISH AND NOT SENSIBLE, AT: i WILL PROBABLY JUST GET KILLED, rEALISTICALLY, AG: May8e! That is the risk you take 8y 8eing a 8rave adventurer. AG: 8ut it is a good opportunity to apply your cunning. AG: May8e you can rally a huge army to 8end to your will and overwhelm the monster???????? Who knows! It is up to you. AG: This is it, Tavros. It is time to sink or swim. AT: i SHOULD GET kANAYA'S ADVICE, AT: oR MAYBE kARKAT SINCE HE IS THE LEADER, AG: No!!!!!!!! AG: Oh god, every time. Always going and getting to others to 8ail you out. AG: Anyway, Kanaya is missing in action, and Karkat has his head up his nook with his new sta88y h8friend. AG: Neither can help you. AT: iT'S JUST HARD TO FIGURE OUT, AT: iF YOU REALLY THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA STRATEGICALLY, AT: oR IF IT'S JUST MORE OF THE THING, wHERE YOU HARASS ME BUT SOUND EXCITED ABOUT IT, AG: Tavros, I know no8ody 8elieves me a8out this, pro8a8ly not even a gulli8le dope like you. AG: 8ut I actually care a8out your advancement as a player. AG: Everything I have done has 8een to make you stronger! AT: oKAY, AT: i STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE, aBOUT THAT, AG: Ugh, you are useless! AG: I'm done talking a8out this. Now shut up and point that cherry vehicle of yours toward the X on that map. AG: Next stop, g8 seven. Let's go. AT: uHHHHHH, AG: This isn't optional. You know very well that I can make you go to that g8 whether you want to or not! AG: 8ut I would rather it not have to come to that. AG: What will it 8e? AG: Advance or advance? AT: oKAY, AT: i WILL GO, AG: Oh one last thing. AG: Equip your 8oy-Skylark outfit. AG: This will 8e Pupa's last stand! AG: I mean sit. AG: Hahahahahahahaha.
It appears Pupa Pan himself has flown through your window while you were asleep. How exciting! Surely he is here to take you away on the adventure of a lifetime. He is more dreamy and heroic than you ever imagined.
But what's this?? It seems the legendary Boy-Skylark has misplaced his shadow. He is looking EVERYWHERE for it, to no avail. He is having a devil of a time, what with being paralyzed from the waist down and all. He clearly needs your help.
Pupa! You truly are a silly goose. Your shadow has been trapped underneath your useless torso the whole time! Honestly, where else would it be you stupid sack of shit?
Of course, the secret to reuniting with your shadow is to get up and walk around. And play and dance and frolic! Your shadow will surely join in your gaiety.
But it appears Pupa has lost the use of his legs. There will be no frolicking in this young man's future. ::::(
Everyone knows that just a pinch of SPECIAL STARDUST along with a happy thought will allow any boy to get up and walk again. Everyone knows this because it is in the classic tale, PUPA PAN. Young Pupa flies through the window of a fairy girl's respiteblock, falls on the floor, and has trouble getting up like an enormous pansy. The fairy girl then helps him walk again, and in return, he teaches her to fly, even though she probably already knows how to fly. Because she's a fairy. They fly out of her window together, and have magical adventures for many sweeps thereafter.
To be honest, you hardly know a damn thing about Pupa Pan. But you do not care.
Pupa remains as pathetic and useless as ever. The stardust did nothing! Probably because it is just glittery powder with no magical properties whatsoever and is basically bullshit. Because in case it wasn't clear, magic isn't real, and neither are miracles.
OR
It could just be that Pupa has failed to have a happy thought!
Your duty is clear. You will have to MAKE him have happy thoughts.
The problem is that when the subject of troll romance is broached, our sparing human intellects instantly assume the most ingratiating posture of surrender imaginable.
But we will do our best to understand regardless.
Humans have only one form of romance. And though we consider it a complicated subject, spanning a wide range of emotions, social conventions, and implications for reproduction, it is ultimately a superficial slice of what trolls consider the full body of romantic experience. Our concept of romance, in spite of its capacity to fill our art and literature and to rule our individual destinies like little else, is still just that. A single, linear concept. A concept usually denoted by a single symbol.
<3
Troll romance is more complicated than that. Troll romance needs four symbols.
Their understanding of romance is divided into halves, and halved again, producing four quadrants: the FLUSHED QUADRANT, the CALIGINOUS QUADRANT, the PALE QUADRANT, and the ASHEN QUADRANT.
Each quadrant is grouped by the half they share, whether horizontally or vertically, depending on the overlapping properties one examines. The sharpest dichotomy, from an emotional perspective, is drawn between RED ROMANCE and BLACK ROMANCE.
RED ROMANCE, comprised of the flushed and pale quadrants, is a form of romance rooted in strongly positive emotions. BLACK ROMANCE, with its caliginous and ashen quadrants, is rooted in the strongly negative.
On the other hand, the vertical bifurcation has to do with the purpose of the relationship, regardless of the emotions behind it. Those quadrants which are CONCUPISCENT, the flushed and caliginous, have to do with facilitating the elaborate reproductive cycle of trolls. Those which are CONCILIATORY, the pale and ashen, would be more closely likened to platonic relationships by human standards.
There are many parallels between human relationships and the various facets of troll romance. Humans have words to describe relationships of a negative nature, or of a platonic nature. The difference is, for humans, those relationships would never be conceptually grouped with romance. Establishing those sort of relationships for humans is not driven by the same primal forces that drive our tendency to couple romantically. But for trolls, those primal forces involve themselves in the full palette of these relationships, red or black, torrid or friendly. Trolls typically feel strongly compelled to find balance in each quadrant, and seek gratifying relationships that each describes.
The challenge is particularly tortuous for young trolls, who must reconcile the wide range of contradictory emotions associated with this matrix, while understanding the nature of their various romantic urges for the first time.
Of course, young humans have this challenge too. But for trolls, the challenge is fourfold.
When two individuals find themselves in the flushed quadrant together, they are said to be MATESPRITS. Matespritship is the closest parallel to the human concept of romance trolls have. It plays a role in the trolls' reproductive cycle, just as it does for humans.
This is pretty obvious! Not much more needs to be said about this. Moving right along.
When a pair of adversaries delve into this quadrant, they become each other's KISMESIS. As one of the concupiscent quadrants, it plays a role in procreation as well. There is no particularly good human translation for this concept. The closest would be an especially potent arch-rivalry.
For instance, human players would never be able to adequately diagnose the relationship between the queen and her archagent. But troll players could immediately place it as a dead ringer for kismesissitude. They would think we were all pretty stupid for not getting it. And they would be right.
Trolls have a complicated reproductive cycle. It's probably best not to examine it in much detail.
The need to seek out concupiscent partners comes with more urgency than typical reproductive instincts. When the IMPERIAL DRONE comes knocking, you had better be able to supply genetic material to each of his FILIAL PAILS. If you have nothing to offer, he will kill you without hesitation.
The genetic material - WITHOUT GOING INTO MUCH DETAIL - is a combinative genetic mix from the matesprit and kismesis pairs, respectively. The pails are all offered to the mother grub, who can only receive such precombined material. She then combines all of it into one incestuous slurry, and begins her brooding.
This doesn't mean the initial combination was for naught, however. In the slurry, more dominant genes rise to the fore, while the more recessive find less representation in the brood. Especially strong matesprit and kismesis pairings yield more dominant genetic material. The more powerful the complement or potent the rivalry, the more dominant the genes.
TROLL REPRODUCTION SURE IS WEIRD. We all take a moment to lament how pedestrian the human reproductive system is, and further lament that the phrase "incestuous slurry" is not a feature of common parlance in human civilization.
This quadrant involves a particular type of three-way relationship of a black romantic nature. Falling on the conciliatory side, it has no bearing on the reproductive cycle, except for indirect ramifications.
When two trolls are locked in a feud or some otherwise contentious relationship, one can intervene and become their AUSPISTICE. The auspistice mediates between the two, playing the role of a peace keeper, preventing the feud from boiling over into a fully caliginous rivalry.
Since such lesser feuds are quite common among trolls, there is a significant need for auspisticing parties. Without them, too many ashen feuds would become caliginous, and begin to conflict with other exclusive kismesis relationships, leading to a great deal of social complexity and sore feelings (even more so than black romance usually involves). Without auspisticism, the result would be widespread black infidelity.
The relationships each quadrant describes tend to be malleable, if not volatile, especially on the concupiscent half where more torrid emotions reside. It doesn't take much to flip a switch and transmute blackrom feelings to redrom, and vice versa.
In many cases, one party will have red feelings while the other has black. But it will often be the case that one party's feelings will swap to match the other's, since there is no quadrant which naturally accommodates such a disparity. But thereafter, it's not uncommon for the two to toggle between red and black in unison now and then. These scenarios naturally result in both red and black infidelities.
This sort of relationship volatility is why conciliatory relationships are an important part of troll romance.
An auspistice can stabilize particularly turbulent relationships. If the auspistice fails to mediate properly, or has no interest in the role, or perhaps has different romantic intentions him/herself altogether, then the relationship often quickly deteriorates into one of an especially hostile and torrid nature. There are many outside factors and influences tugging and pulling these relationships in different directions, and unlike humans who have very orderly, simple, straightforward romantic relationships without exception, trolls exist in a state of almost perpetual confusion and generally have no idea what the hell is going on.
Being confused by troll relationships is one thing we do have in common though.
This quadrant presides over MOIRALLEGIENCE, the other conciliatory relationship. A reasonable human translation would be the concept of a soul mate, but in a more platonic sense, and with a more specific social purpose.
Trolls are a very angry and violent race. Some are more hot-tempered and dangerous than others, to the extent that if left to their own devices, they would present a serious threat to society, or even to themselves. Such trolls will have an instinctive pale attraction to a more even-tempered troll, who may become their MOIRAIL. The moirail is obliged to pacify the other, to function as the better half. The two partners in a strong pale relationship will serve to balance and complement each other's emotional profiles, and thus allow their other relationships to be more successful.
It's often ambiguous especially among young trolls whether a bond formed between an acquaintance is true moirallegence, or the usual variety of platonic involvement. Furthermore, romantic intentions of a more flushed nature can often be mistaken for paler leanings, much to the frustration of the suitor.
But some pale pairings, as the one above, will be strikingly obvious to all who know them.
God you just can't get enough of this can you! That would have been a great point for a transition out of this illustrated sociological study, but ok, if you insist.
Now see, what's going on here is...
It's perfectly simple. When the full matrix of troll romance is in action, we have... uh...
Hey, why don't you figure it out! You should be an expert on all this by now anyway.
Later our troll hero would try to explain this to our human hero, attempting to convey all the nuance of troll romance through a nearly verbatim recitation of the preceding excerpts.
He would try to describe how rich and textured the troll romantic comedies were compared to the one dimensional schlock of our human cinematic counterparts. He would barely scratch the surface of Troll Will Smith's virtuosity with the delicate lattice of troll romance, as he would assist the bumbling fudgeblooded Troll Kevin James through the interwoven minefield-briarpatch of redrom and blackrom entanglements, all the while sifting through his own prickly romantic situation and ultimately learning the true meaning of hate and pity. But would they succeed before the imperial drone came knocking with his thirsty pails at the ready??? Yes, they would.
But John didn't understand any of this because he's a moron, and he wouldn't shut up about his awful bullshit Earth movies. He would just go on and on and on about that garbage.
But if there was one theme to be hammered through his thick skull, it would be the trolls' cultural preoccupation with romantic destiny. Yes, the romantic landscape is rife with false starts and miscues and infidelities, red and black. But every troll believes strongly that each quadrant holds one and only one true pairing for them, and it is just a matter of time before the grid is filled with auspicious matchups through the mysterious channels of TROLL SERENDIPITY.
In short, their belief is that for each quadrant there exists a pair or triad of trolls somewhere in the cosmos that were...
Wow, another great transition. You wonder if it will stick this time. You have no choice but to take a stab at the rare and extremely dangerous 2x TRANSITION COMBO.
Flowing through your veins is nearly the richest blood the hemospectrum has to offer, penultimate on the scale. As such, you are a SEA DWELLER, a sub-race of troll distinct from the commoners by mutation and habitat, a caste which rules over the entire species.
But ruling, in your view, is not enough. You have an overpowering GENOCIDE COMPLEX, and have made it your sworn duty to KILL ALL LAND DWELLERS. You have amassed resources and deadly weaponry from around the world for this ambition through many sweeps of EXTREME ROLE PLAYING, while pursuing a working DOOMSDAY DEVICE which will bring armageddon to all those on the surface. Haven't had much luck with that, but maybe tonight's your night.
You hold a fascination for MILITARY HISTORY AND LEGENDARY CONQUERORS. You have dubiously modeled your profile and exploits after the most notorious figures and their stories, which are bristling with the GLORY OF VICTORY and the STING OF DEFEAT and POLITICAL MACHINATIONS and ROMANTIC INTRIGUE. It is an image you are careful to craft through EXAGGERATED EMOTIONAL THEATRICS, and your penchant for mass murder notwithstanding, people tend to regard you as a BIT OF A TOOL.
You also like MAGIC, even though you know it to be FAKE. Like a made up friend, the way wizards are. Made up make believe FAKEY FAKEY FAKES. It's still fun though.
Your trolltag is caligulasAquarium and you speak wwith a vvery wweird and sort of wwavvy soundin accent.
You hold off on doing anything for the moment on account of courtesy to fellow royalty.
You are also a SEA DWELLER. You have the most noble blood possible, the only of your kind known to possess it, and the only to share it with GL'BGOLYB, a deep sea monster also known as THE RIFT'S CARBUNCLE, EMISSARY TO THE HORRORTERRORS, or in more hushed tones, SPEAKER OF THE VAST GLUB.
This makes you the HEIR APPARENT for Alternian rulership, which ordinarily would place you in considerable jeopardy. HER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION would steer the flagship from the fleet and make an attempt on your life herself, if not for the protection of your monstrous lusus.
And if not forewarned of your race's extinction by the whispers of that lusus, you would have BIG PLANS FOR THE THRONE. All the plans. All of them.
You would redefine what it means to be CULLED in troll society. Under your rule it would mean caring for the unfit and infirm rather than exterminating them, and you have put this idea into practice by CULLING THE FAUNA OF THE DEEP. You tend to wild and beautiful AQUATIC HOOFBEASTS, grooming and feeding them daily. You capture and cage CUTTLEFISH by the thousands for their own good, and also because they are funny and colorful and you love them. They often swim through the bars of their cages, but that is fine. You run your whole palace as a sort of WILDLIFE ADOPTION FACILITY, even if the wildlife's need for care is dubious at best, and the practice really just amounts to an elaborate ROLE PLAYING SCENARIO. It's still fun though.
You would also look forward to using your reign to UNITE THE TWO RACES. You were told you would do this one day by your lusus, even if it does contradict her message of extinction. Oh well, you suppose NOT ALL PROPHECIES CAN COME TRUE.
Your trolltag is cuttlefishCuller and you )(ave a )(ard time not getting R-EALLY -EXCIT-ED ABOUT PRACTICALLY -EV-------ERYT)(ING!
|PESTERLOG|
caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC]
CA: fef CA: hey CC: ? CA: glub CC: Glub glub! CC: 38) CA: yeah CA: hm CC: W)(at is it!!! CA: wwhat CC: I am wondering if you can forego t)(e exaggerated emotional t)(eatrics for once and actually tell me w)(at's on your mind! CA: nothins on my mind wwhy cant i just fuckin talk and glub at you for a reason i dont havve CC: 38| CA: wwell fine but you dont wwant to hear it CC: Yes I do. CC: We are supposed to talk to eac)( ot)(er, t)(at is w)(at moirails are for. CA: uhuh wwhatevver CC: Glub glub glub glub siiiiig)(. CC: Will you take t)(e c)(ip off your nub and tell me w)(at's t)(e matter? CA: yeah wwell ok since wwe are the PALEST OF PALS A GUY COULD EVVER ASK FOR CA: i wwill tell you CA: evven though you wwill only humor me as usual since you dont agree wwith my agenda CA: any of my agendas really CA: none of the agendas CA: none of them CC: Are you fretting over anot)(er one of t)(ese dumb contraptions? CA: see CA: more condescension CA: you are goin to make a hell of an empress CC: No I'm not! But t)(at is beside t)(e point. CC: None of your plots to kill t)(e land dwellers ever work out, and every doomsday device you get your )(ands on turns out to be a piece of junk! CA: so CA: i got to keep tryin thats howw all the great military masterminds became great through upright persevverance CC: I t)(ink deep down you stack t)(ese plots against you so you fail because you know it's wrong. CA: it isnt wwrong CA: im not going to explain it to you again CA: at this point all you need to knoww is its important to me CA: and im doing it for us CA: i mean our kind CA: nobody understands not evven you CC: T)(is is t)(e last time I will say t)(is. CC: W-E AR-E NOT B-ETT-ER T)(AN ANYBODY!!!!! CC: GLUB. >38( CA: pshh CA: hemospectrum begs to differ CC: If you're as sickened by t)(em as you say, w)(y do you spend so muc)( time on land? CC: You can't )(ave t)(e sort of affinity for "our kind" t)(at you profess if you've only spent, w)(at... CC: A few days underwater, maybe? IN YOUR W)(OL-E LIF-E! CA: wwhatevver CA: i havve to keep an eye on em up here CA: its all about tactics CC: W)(at about your friends? Do you ever t)(ink about t)(em? CC: If t)(ey are beneat)( you t)(en t)(ey )(ave to die too. CC: And I know you like talking to some of t)(em. You say you )(ate t)(em but I t)(ink you are pretending! CA: history is full of cases wwhere conquerers consort wwith members of the enemy in a mannerly wway before wwipin them out CA: evven goin as far as growwin fond a some CA: its only civvilized CC: Mmm )(mm. CC: I )(ave a fis)(y feeling... CC: T)(at t)(is stupid doomsday mac)(ine t)(ing is just anot)(er excuse to consort! CC: Wit)( someone in particular... CA: all your feelins are fishy CC: 38P CA: GLUBGLUBGLUBGLUBGLUBGLUB CC: 38O CC: DON'T YOU GLUB IN T)(AT TON-E OF GLUB WIT)( M-E MIST-ER! CA: ill glub in wwhatevver dumbass bubbly soundin fishnoise i wwant to glub CC: O)( S)(IT, you are angling for SO MUC)( TROUBL-E NOW. CA: ok please lets just not get into the wwhole fuckin fish pun thing again ok CA: like wwe get it wwe are nautically themed CC: )(-E)(-E ok. 38) CA: but yeah i dunno CA: i dont knoww wwhy she ignores me i guess shes just bored wwith me CA: wwe had it all set up for her to givve me this thing tonight that probably doesnt evven wwork but yeah maybe that wwasnt the point CA: i mean you think wwe havve a pretty good rivvalry goin right CA: or at least had CA: it wwas pretty fuckin bitter and contentious for a wwhile there and there wwas some good chemistry i dont knoww wwhat happened CC: Um, I guess? CC: I wouldn't really know. CC: Sometimes people just drift away I t)(ink, or just aren't as into t)(e quadrant as t)(e ot)(er wants to be. CC: So you really t)(ink your feelings for )(er run t)(at dark? CA: it doesnt matter like i said shes bored shitless CA: i guess im not as good a advversary as i thought CC: T)(at is so ridiculous, any girl would be lucky to )(ave a kismesis as diabolical as you, especially T)(AT one. CC: W)(o knows w)(at )(er problem is! S)(e )(as issues. CA: ehhh CA: wwell ok thanks for sayin so CC: You know, I'm not sure w)(y we never talk about our romantic aspirations. CC: We s)(ould more often. It is kind of -EXCITING! CA: shrug CC: Probably because you fill your gossip quota wit)( your nubby )(orned bro. CC: You leave not)(ing left to talk about wit)( your dear sweet moirail! CC: We are supposed to )(elp eac)( ot)(er wit)( t)(at stuff too, remember. CA: maybe CA: seems kinda CA: odd though CC: Your stupid fis)(y face is w)(at's odd! CC: )(AV-E YOU -EV-ER T)(OUG)(T ABOUT T)(AT?? CA: fine CA: wwell those are my stupid feelins wwhat about yours CA: seems to me like you get along too wwell wwith evverybody to be harborin any black sentiments CC: Um... CC: Yea)(. I can't t)(ink of anybody I feel t)(at way about. 38\ CC: Maybe I am just not old enoug)( to )(ave t)(ose feelings yet? We are still pretty young you know. CA: yeah CC: So ok. T)(ose are your black leanings. CC: W)(at about R-ED, ------Eridan??? CC: )(MMMMM??????? 38D CA: oh god CC: Is t)(ere a lucky lady you are waxing scarlet for? CC: OR LUCKY F-ELLOW??? 38O CA: uh CC: Tell me! CC: Don't pretend you're all -EMBARRASS-ED SUDD-ENLY!!! CA: ok fef CA: this is NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS CC: 38o CA: i gotta go CA: be back later wwhen its time to play
Another emotionally exhausting conversation. Too many FEELINGS AND PROBLEMS. It couldn't be any clearer to you. You and this sea princess have splashed down hard into the moirail zone, and now you don't know which way's upward. Perhaps tonight you will reveal your true feelings toward her, and end these exaggerated emotional theatrics once and for all, one way or another.
You need a stiff drink.
But... ugh. Not this swill. You're not THAT desperate.
You pay a visit to what the common land dwellers refer to as a THERMAL HULL, instead of the more aristocratic and especially esoteric and alien sounding term, a REFRIGERATOR.
Another emotionally exhausting conversation. Too many FEELINGS AND PROBLEMS. That guy. Talk about a high maintenance moirail. Perhaps tonight you will reveal your true feelings toward him, and end these exaggerated emotional theatrics one way or another.
You decide to unwind and take your mind off the drama for a while before starting the game. You nearly forgot this is going to be an exciting night. Everything you are about to do next is exciting. It is always exciting. You are excited.
You unequip DON'S ENTENTE, a golden DOUBLE CULLING FORK, a legendary weapon reserved for royalty, and generally only used for ceremonial purposes.
You unequip AHAB'S CROSSHAIRS, which is YET ANOTHER legendary weapon, about as powerful as your KIND ABSTRATUS will allow.
You plundered it from a ghost ship during a particularly challenging campaign. It was the same old gamblignant's ship from which your accomplice at the time also plundered a set of extraordinarily powerful dice.
You almost feel sorry for the adversaries you will face tonight. They will likely pose neither team much challenge at all. Unless one of the links in the prototyping chain includes something especially huge and monstrous, but really, what are the odds of that happening?
On the subject of your old accomplice/rival, you guess you'll try talking to her one more time, even though you know she won't answer. You know she is bored shitless with you and your drama. You are almost starting not to care about this stupid doomsday device which probably won't even work. She probably KNOWS you know it won't work. She has probably put all the pieces together and knows it was an elaborate ruse to be in cahoots with her again.
And she just went along with it playing you for a chump.
But it wasn't that long ago that you were the hottest iron. At the height of your prowess as seagrifts, Marquise Mindfang and Orphaner Dualscar were in alliance an unmatched terror, and in competition, unbridled tempest. Either way, spoils were typically traded and shared. No levels were left for anyone else to gain. None of the levels.
In truth, it would be all too easy to solve the land dweller problem once and for all. You'd just need to lighten up on the feeding schedule for a while. Maybe you'd be a little too busy to bother with that hassle for once? Or maybe you could happen to be off your game for a spell? It happens, even to the best sometimes.
But nah. It would make her upset.
More emotions. More problems. That's all you need.
|PESTERLOG|
cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]
CC: W)()()()()(-E-E-E-E-EW. CA: fef are you in CC: Yea)(... CA: that took forevver CA: i wwas gettin wworried kinda CC: Yes, it was a pretty close call, and got kind of complicated. CC: But Sollux finally came t)(roug)(, and now I believe t)(e full c)(ain is complete! CA: man that guy CA: hes a fuckin drama machine it is fuckin pathetic CC: YOUR STUPID FIS)(Y FAC-E IS T)(-E DRAMA MAC)(IN-E T)(AT DO-ES NOT)(ING BUT W)(IN-E AND GLUB. CC: 38P CA: fuck SORRY CC: Anyway you s)(ouldn't say t)(at about )(im, )(e is a )(ero and )(e saved my life. CA: yeah sorry CA: i wwas just really wworried and stressed out i thought you wwere dead CA: and i didnt evven get to thank you for savvin my life or really for anythin CA: and i just spent all this time here wworryin and thinkin about stuff CA: and i decided i havve something i wwant to tell you CA: that ivve been meaning to get off my nub for a wwhile noww CC: O)(, really? CC: T)(at's good! Actually, I )(ave somet)(ing I )(ave been meaning to say to you too. CA: wwhoa really CA: uh CA: wwhat is it CA: you go first CC: Mm, okay. CC: But t)(is isn't easy to say! CA: yeah i knoww CA: its ok maybe i wwill understand more than you think CA: wwe might evven be sayin the same thing CC: Okay, I )(ope so. CC: I t)(ink... CC: Now t)(at we are bot)( in t)(is game, and )(ave left our world be)(ind... CC: And you can no longer pose t)(e danger to our people t)(at you )(ad always planned to... CC: I t)(ink it is not really necessary for me to be your moirail anymore. CA: wwhoa CA: wwait CA: wwhat CC: 38( CC: I am really sorry, -Eridan. It )(as just been so )(ard looking after you and keeping you out of trouble! CC: It )(as taken its toll, and )(onestly I am really ex)(austed. CA: fuck CA: this isnt what CA: i dont knoww i wwasnt expectin this at all CA: im not sure i can handle this CC: I'm sorry!!! 38'( CC: It will be t)(e best for bot)( of us. We can just sort of be... CC: Regular friends instead. CA: no CA: please dont CA: look im bein serious here dont do this CA: i wont even use my weird accent while i type ok so you know im bein really dead serious and honest about this CC: Uh... CC: Okay, I am being serious and honest too. SEE? CA: ok good CA: are you sure you arent bein hasty about this youve just been through a lot CA: i mean we are supposed to be fated to be moirails arent we CA: isnt that how it works CA: you cant just throw all that away cause youre sick of me CC: I am not sick of you, Eridan! I still really like you. CC: In order to be destined for moirallegience, both people have to be on board, don't you think? CC: But I cannot do it anymore. So I think it just wasn't meant to be all along. CC: And really, you just don't need me anymore. You are free to do as you wish! We both are. CC: I can't look after you anymore. CA: I DIDNT EVER NEED ANYONE TO LOOK AFTER ME CA: i was totally fuckin fine my ambitions were noble CA: and really none of your fuckin business QUITE FRANKLY your majesty CA: and the only reason i put up with stickin my flipper in this fuckin shithole quadrant with you was CC: Was what? CA: nevermind CC: Tell me! CA: ok fine CA: i apologize for losin my shit over this i was just caught off guard is all CA: but maybe its a good thing really CA: actually i might a been proposin the same thing to be honest CC: Oh? CA: yeah CA: fef have you thought about CA: since you dont wanna be pale with me no more CA: the possibility a some other type of arrangement with me CC: What do you mean? CA: i mean CA: somethin a bit more CA: kinda reddish CA: like CA: brighter red CC: 38O CC: No, I hadn't thought about it! CA: ok well what do you think about it CA: now that youre thinkin about it CC: Um... CC: I really don't know about that. CA: why not i thought you said you liked me CC: I do! But I don't know if it's really in that way. CA: couldnt it be though CA: dont you think theres room in your collapsin and expandin bladder based aquatic vascular system for those feelins CC: I've never had a chance to consider anything like that! I have just spent all my time worrying about you and trying to keep you from killing everybody or hurting yourself. CC: It took all my energy. CC: I don't think I have anything left for those feelings either. CA: oh god CC: What? CA: im the biggest fuckin idiot who ever lived CA: i cant BELIEVE i just opened up to you like a chump when i knew what was comin CA: i am one sad fuckin brinesucker CA: overemotional sappy trash youre right im not better than anybody CA: im worse than anybody CA: EVERYBODY CA: all the bodies CC: STOP!!!!!!!!!!! CC: God. CC: Will you just clam up for once in your life? CC: Always carping and carping and carping! CC: You go completely overboard with your emotions, always looking to reel in drama wherever you can. CC: I am up to my gills in it! I just can't salmon the strength anemonemore. CA: i cannot CA: BELIEVE CA: you are doin the fish pun thing while youre breakin up with me CA: real nice CA: whoops i mean REEL nice CC: HEHEHE, sorry. CC: But really, this shouldn't be as bad as it sounds. CC: When all is said and done, I am still your friend. CC: We have left our world behind. Everyone is dead, and there's no use in worrying about it now. CC: It's over! It is time to play this game and focus on building something new and ------EXCITING. CC: So )(ang in t)(ere, -Eridan. CC: I )(ave to go now! Sollux is in serious trouble, and I )(ave to go )(elp )(im. CC: BY------------------------E! CA: wwait CA: dont go
|PESTERLOG|
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]
CG: BRO ARE YOU OK. CG: HEY CG: OH GOD CG: WHAT HAVE I DONE. CG: SOLLUX? CG: PLEASE TELL ME THAT'S JUST HONEY. CG: PLEASE JUST BE HONEY PLEASE JUST BE HONEY PLEASE JUST BE HONEY CG: HAHA, OK, MAKE-BELIEVE TIME IS OVER! CG: OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD
|PESTERLOG|
caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]
CA: gam i need to talk to kar wwhere is he he isnt answwerin TC: He's bUsY BeInG SlApPeD MoThErFuCkIn sEnSeLeSs bY ThE GuY WhO LiKeS KnIvEs TC: BuT I CaN ReLaY WhAt mEsSaGe yOu gOt, My bRoThEr CA: i dont feel comfortable wwith that CA: i havve some serious feelins and problems here and i need some advvice TC: HaHa, YeAh i fEeL YoU, hE'S PrEtTy wOrKeD Up tOo CA: wwhy TC: BeCaUsE OuR GoOd bRo sOlLuX JuSt kIcKeD ThE WiCkEd mOtHeRfUcKiN ShIt CA: wwhat the fuck do you mean by that CA: are you sayin hes dead TC: YeAh :o( CA: oh fuck CA: oh god fuck noww i feel like an asshole TC: YeAh i'd sAy tHaT An aSsHoLe iS ThE ThInG ThAt jUsT AbOuT WhAt eVeRyBoDy fEeLs lIkE TC: KaRkAt bLaMeS HiMsElF On iT, pOoR MoThErFuCkEr TC: BuT I ToLd hIm tO Be cHiLl TC: BeCaUsE ThErE Is a mIrAcLe cOmInG, i cAn fEeL It CA: that is the wworst fuckin advvice CA: wwhat an awwful thing a you to say CA: MAGIC ISNT REAL STUPID STOP BELIEVVIN IN IT TC: i'Ve gOt tO BeLiEvE At wHaT My hEaRt tElLs iN Me, EvEn iF It's a fAkE ThInG TC: HoNk CA: this is a lot a pointless fuckin rubbish and isnt no emotional help to him or me either for that matter CA: put kar on TC: UuUuH, i cAn't rEaLlY ThInK AbOuT InTeRvEnInG, tHe bLaCk fRoWnInG MoThErFuCkEr kInDa sCaReS Me TC: ArE YoU SuRe i cAn't hElP A bRoThEr Up iNtO HiS MoThErFuCkIn cHiLl? CA: i dont knoww CA: it probably doesnt matter CA: my feelins seem petty and meaninless noww CA: she had better things to wworry about than my ovverwwrought bullshit CA: like the dead guy wwho savved her CA: so forget it thanks anywway TC: BrO My aDvIcE Is yOu jUsT KiCk bAcK AnD MoThErFuCkIn sNaP InTo sOmE RuDe eLiXiR AnD MaYbE GeT YoUr wIcKeD ZoNe oN TC: ThErE I SaId mY PeAcE CA: wwhat the FUCK are you fuckin babblin about TC: SnAtCh aN IcEcOlD, dOg TC: MoThErFuCkIn cHuG ThAt sHiT LiKe yOu aNd tHe bOtTlE WaS ReUnItEd lOvErS CA: are you recommendin a bevverage to me or somethin CA: is that wwhat this is TC: YeAh mAn SlAm A FaYgO CA: i dont havve a fuckin faygo you stupid fuck wwhy wwould i keep that disgusting shit on hand TC: ArE YoU MoThErFuCkIn sUrE AbOuT ThAt? CA: oh CA: oh god youre right i do CA: i totally forgot about it TC: YoU SeE MaN TC: MoThEr TC: FuCkIn TC: MiRaClEs TC: :o)
It is like I am the kid from the Never Ending Story. I was chased by some bullies into this fucking attic and now I am watching people watching people watching more people kissing and stuff basically forever. How many metalayers removed this story can we get??
This attic is spooky. I wish those bullies would just leave me alone.
Later I am going to ride a long magic dog through the sky and fuck their shit up.
No, this is MY LIFE we're talking about here. Bullies. Wolves. Musty attics. Huge spiders. Did I mention the spiders? Let me tell you, I got HELLA spiders up in this...
Fuck, this horn fell off. Dammit. Piece of shit. Wonder if there's any glue in here... oh screw it.
Do you have any idea how much power I wield over you?? To what extent I can RUIN the shit you step in with that squeaky clean sunday loafer you use to stomp that bookmark and stamp that F5 key, day goddamn in and day fucking out??? Do you possess even the most infinitesimal kernel of cognizance for the degree to which I can make the shorn, shivering weasel that is the totem spirit representing your wretched fascination with this website squeal in heartrending remorse????
It would be so easy! I could snap my gray smudgy fingers RIGHT NOW, and make you read all the troll romance exposition segments all over again, BACK TO BACK TO BACK TO BACK TO BACK TO BACK.
The problem is that when the subject of troll romance is broached, our sparing human intellects instantly assume the most ingratiating posture of surrender imaginable.
But we will do our best to understand regardless.
Humans have only one form of romance. And though we consider it a complicated subject, spanning a wide range of emotions, social conventions, and implications for reproduction, it is ultimately a superficial slice of what trolls consider the full body of romantic experience. Our concept of romance, in spite of its capacity to fill our art and literature and to rule our individual destinies like little else, is still just that. A single, linear concept. A concept usually denoted by a single symbol.
<3
Troll romance is more complicated than that. Troll romance needs four symbols.
Their understanding of romance is divided into halves, and halved again, producing four quadrants: the FLUSHED QUADRANT, the CALIGINOUS QUADRANT, the PALE QUADRANT, and the ASHEN QUADRANT.
Each quadrant is grouped by the half they share, whether horizontally or vertically, depending on the overlapping properties one examines. The sharpest dichotomy, from an emotional perspective, is drawn between RED ROMANCE and BLACK ROMANCE.
RED ROMANCE, comprised of the flushed and pale quadrants, is a form of romance rooted in strongly positive emotions. BLACK ROMANCE, with its caliginous and ashen quadrants, is rooted in the strongly negative.
On the other hand, the vertical bifurcation has to do with the purpose of the relationship, regardless of the emotions behind it. Those quadrants which are CONCUPISCENT, the flushed and caliginous, have to do with facilitating the elaborate reproductive cycle of trolls. Those which are CONCILIATORY, the pale and ashen, would be more closely likened to platonic relationships by human standards.
There are many parallels between human relationships and the various facets of troll romance. Humans have words to describe relationships of a negative nature, or of a platonic nature. The difference is, for humans, those relationships would never be conceptually grouped with romance. Establishing those sort of relationships for humans is not driven by the same primal forces that drive our tendency to couple romantically. But for trolls, those primal forces involve themselves in the full palette of these relationships, red or black, torrid or friendly. Trolls typically feel strongly compelled to find balance in each quadrant, and seek gratifying relationships that each describes.
The challenge is particularly tortuous for young trolls, who must reconcile the wide range of contradictory emotions associated with this matrix, while understanding the nature of their various romantic urges for the first time.
Of course, young humans have this challenge too. But for trolls, the challenge is fourfold.
When two individuals find themselves in the flushed quadrant together, they are said to be MATESPRITS. Matespritship is the closest parallel to the human concept of romance trolls have. It plays a role in the trolls' reproductive cycle, just as it does for humans.
This is pretty obvious! Not much more needs to be said about this. Moving right along.
When a pair of adversaries delve into this quadrant, they become each other's KISMESIS. As one of the concupiscent quadrants, it plays a role in procreation as well. There is no particularly good human translation for this concept. The closest would be an especially potent arch-rivalry.
For instance, human players would never be able to adequately diagnose the relationship between the queen and her archagent. But troll players could immediately place it as a dead ringer for kismesissitude. They would think we were all pretty stupid for not getting it. And they would be right.
Trolls have a complicated reproductive cycle. It's probably best not to examine it in much detail.
The need to seek out concupiscent partners comes with more urgency than typical reproductive instincts. When the IMPERIAL DRONE comes knocking, you had better be able to supply genetic material to each of his FILIAL PAILS. If you have nothing to offer, he will kill you without hesitation.
The genetic material - WITHOUT GOING INTO MUCH DETAIL - is a combinative genetic mix from the matesprit and kismesis pairs, respectively. The pails are all offered to the mother grub, who can only receive such precombined material. She then combines all of it into one incestuous slurry, and begins her brooding.
This doesn't mean the initial combination was for naught, however. In the slurry, more dominant genes rise to the fore, while the more recessive find less representation in the brood. Especially strong matesprit and kismesis pairings yield more dominant genetic material. The more powerful the complement or potent the rivalry, the more dominant the genes.
TROLL REPRODUCTION SURE IS WEIRD. We all take a moment to lament how pedestrian the human reproductive system is, and further lament that the phrase "incestuous slurry" is not a feature of common parlance in human civilization.
This quadrant involves a particular type of three-way relationship of a black romantic nature. Falling on the conciliatory side, it has no bearing on the reproductive cycle, except for indirect ramifications.
When two trolls are locked in a feud or some otherwise contentious relationship, one can intervene and become their AUSPISTICE. The auspistice mediates between the two, playing the role of a peace keeper, preventing the feud from boiling over into a fully caliginous rivalry.
Since such lesser feuds are quite common among trolls, there is a significant need for auspisticing parties. Without them, too many ashen feuds would become caliginous, and begin to conflict with other exclusive kismesis relationships, leading to a great deal of social complexity and sore feelings (even more so than black romance usually involves). Without auspisticism, the result would be widespread black infidelity.
The relationships each quadrant describes tend to be malleable, if not volatile, especially on the concupiscent half where more torrid emotions reside. It doesn't take much to flip a switch and transmute blackrom feelings to redrom, and vice versa.
In many cases, one party will have red feelings while the other has black. But it will often be the case that one party's feelings will swap to match the other's, since there is no quadrant which naturally accommodates such a disparity. But thereafter, it's not uncommon for the two to toggle between red and black in unison now and then. These scenarios naturally result in both red and black infidelities.
This sort of relationship volatility is why conciliatory relationships are an important part of troll romance.
An auspistice can stabilize particularly turbulent relationships. If the auspistice fails to mediate properly, or has no interest in the role, or perhaps has different romantic intentions him/herself altogether, then the relationship often quickly deteriorates into one of an especially hostile and torrid nature. There are many outside factors and influences tugging and pulling these relationships in different directions, and unlike humans who have very orderly, simple, straightforward romantic relationships without exception, trolls exist in a state of almost perpetual confusion and generally have no idea what the hell is going on.
Being confused by troll relationships is one thing we do have in common though.
This quadrant presides over MOIRALLEGIENCE, the other conciliatory relationship. A reasonable human translation would be the concept of a soul mate, but in a more platonic sense, and with a more specific social purpose.
Trolls are a very angry and violent race. Some are more hot-tempered and dangerous than others, to the extent that if left to their own devices, they would present a serious threat to society, or even to themselves. Such trolls will have an instinctive pale attraction to a more even-tempered troll, who may become their MOIRAIL. The moirail is obliged to pacify the other, to function as the better half. The two partners in a strong pale relationship will serve to balance and complement each other's emotional profiles, and thus allow their other relationships to be more successful.
It's often ambiguous especially among young trolls whether a bond formed between an acquaintance is true moirallegence, or the usual variety of platonic involvement. Furthermore, romantic intentions of a more flushed nature can often be mistaken for paler leanings, much to the frustration of the suitor.
But some pale pairings, as the one above, will be strikingly obvious to all who know them.
God you just can't get enough of this can you! That would have been a great point for a transition out of this illustrated sociological study, but ok, if you insist.
Now see, what's going on here is...
It's perfectly simple. When the full matrix of troll romance is in action, we have... uh...
Hey, why don't you figure it out! You should be an expert on all this by now anyway.
Later our troll hero would try to explain this to our human hero, attempting to convey all the nuance of troll romance through a nearly verbatim recitation of the preceding excerpts.
He would try to describe how rich and textured the troll romantic comedies were compared to the one dimensional schlock of our human cinematic counterparts. He would barely scratch the surface of Troll Will Smith's virtuosity with the delicate lattice of troll romance, as he would assist the bumbling fudgeblooded Troll Kevin James through the interwoven minefield-briarpatch of redrom and blackrom entanglements, all the while sifting through his own prickly romantic situation and ultimately learning the true meaning of hate and pity. But would they succeed before the imperial drone came knocking with his thirsty pails at the ready??? Yes, they would.
But John didn't understand any of this because he's a moron, and he wouldn't shut up about his awful bullshit Earth movies. He would just go on and on and on about that garbage.
But if there was one theme to be hammered through his thick skull, it would be the trolls' cultural preoccupation with romantic destiny. Yes, the romantic landscape is rife with false starts and miscues and infidelities, red and black. But every troll believes strongly that each quadrant holds one and only one true pairing for them, and it is just a matter of time before the grid is filled with auspicious matchups through the mysterious channels of TROLL SERENDIPITY.
In short, their belief is that for each quadrant there exists a pair or triad of trolls somewhere in the cosmos that were...
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GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT
You've wasted enough time on sleeping and dying. You've got to get back to adventurin' while the adventurin's good. And also change out of these stupid pajamas.
It does not appear to be a message from Karkat directed at you specifically.
He has just updated one of the many memos on the transtimeline bulletin board he set up a while ago. You've since no longer bothered keeping up with the endless and mostly incomprehensible communique.
But while checking the update, you can't help but skim through the first memo in the long sequence, which was written hours ago from your present perspective.
PCG 6:12 HOURS AGO opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY.
PCG: OK I THINK I SET THIS UP RIGHT. PCG: FUCK I SHOULD HAVE COME UP WITH A BETTER BOARD NAME. PCG: BUT I GUESS THAT'S THE NAME IT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE SINCE THAT'S THE NAME THAT PCG: UH PCG: I ALREADY READ. PCG: WOW THAT PROBABLY WON'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ANYBODY. PCG: WHATEVER, IT'S JUST A STUPID NAME, LET'S JUST DO THIS. PCG: THIS IS A PUBLIC BULLETIN USING TROLLIAN'S WEIRD TRANSTIMELINE FEATURES WHICH I DON'T EVEN REALLY UNDERSTAND YET. PCG: BUT I'M GUESSING MIGHT BE USEFUL. PCG: I'VE INCLUDED ALL TWELVE PLAYERS IN THE SUBSCRIPTION LIST SO YOU SHOULD ALL BE ABLE TO READ THESE MEMOS AT ANY TIME. PCG: THAT IS, ALL THE MEMOS POSTED, PAST AND FUTURE. I THINK. PCG: IT COULD GET PRETTY TEMPORALLY CONFUSING OBVIOUSLY. I'M GOING TO TRY TO KEEP THE MEMOS AS SIMPLE AND LINEAR AS POSSIBLE. PCG: ALSO LET'S KEEP THIS A ONE-WAY-ONLY BULLETIN TO MAKE THIS AS SIMPLE AS POSSIBLE. PCG: DO NOT REPLY TO MY MEMOS!!! THIS IS NOT A FUCKING CHATROOM, ASSHOLES. PCG: IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME IN RESPONSE TO A MEMO, MESSAGE ME IN PRIVATE AT THE APPROPRIATE POINT ON THE TIMELINE. PCG: FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS IS ABOUT THE TEAMS. PCG: AS OF NOW, YOU SHOULD ALL BE AWARE THAT THERE IS REALLY ONLY ONE TEAM, AND WE ARE ALL WORKING TOGETHER. PCG: AND BY "NOW" I MEAN TIME LOCAL TO ME AS OF WRITING THIS. PCG: SO IF YOU'RE READING THIS IN THE PAST... PCG: UH OK FIRST OF ALL, HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT THIS FEATURE ALREADY? SECOND WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKING TELL ME. PCG: WHATEVER I DIGRESS. PCG: IF YOU'RE READING THIS IN THE FUTURE THEN WHO CARES, IT'S PROBABLY OLD NEWS TO YOU. PCG: ACTUALLY NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT READING THIS IN THE FUTURE? PCG: IT'S LIKE ANY BULLETIN BOARD, YOU POST STUFF AND IT SITS THERE FOR A WHILE AND PEOPLE IN "THE FUTURE" READ IT. PCG: HUH. BIG FUCKING DEAL I GUESS. PAST gallowsCalibrator [PGC] 5:51 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PGC: OH MY GOD K4RK4T! PGC: WHO C4R3S!!!!! >:O PCG banned PGC from responding to memo.
PCG: ANYWAY LIKE I WAS SAYING. PCG: ONE BIG TEAM, OVER WHICH I HAVE ASSUMED TOTAL LEADERSHIP. PCG: I WILL ASSUME THAT IT WILL CONTINUE TO STAY THIS WAY FOR THE DURATION OF OUR QUEST, AND THAT I WILL REMAIN AN IMPECCABLE LEADER FOR A SPAN OF HUNDREDS OF HOURS WHILE I GUIDE US ALL TO A STUNNING VICTORY. PCG: IN FACT, I DON'T EVEN NEED TO ASSUME. PCG: I BROWSED THROUGH THIS WHOLE BULLETIN IN ADVANCE, AND IT DOES APPEAR TO BE THE CASE. GO ME. PCG: IN FACT, SINCE I'VE SEEN WHAT I WILL WRITE IN THE FUTURE, I WONDER WHAT IMPETUS I WILL HAVE FOR WRITING IT LATER WHEN I'M SUPPOSED TO? PCG: I WONDER IF I COULD JUST COPY/PASTE IT... HOLD ON. PCG: DAMN. PCG: I GUESS THEY THOUGHT OF THAT? I DUNNO. I TRIED TO LOOK AT THE WHOLE BULLETIN AGAIN, BUT NOW THAT I'VE OPENED THIS ONE FROM THE BEGINNING, I CAN'T SEE THE WHOLE THING ANYMORE. PCG: UNLESS I LOOK AT IT ON ONE OF YOUR COMPUTERS... PCG: OR MAYBE IF YOU SEND ME LIKE A TEXT FILE OF IT? WOULD THAT CAUSE A PARADOX OR SOMETHING? PCG: YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS SO STUPID. PCG: I ACTUALLY REMEMBER READING ALL THIS SHIT LIKE A HALF HOUR AGO, AND NOW HERE I AM TYPING IT ANYWAY. PCG: I PROBABLY CAN'T AVOID TYPING ANY OF THIS, HOW WEIRD IS THAT. PCG: I HATE TIME TRAVEL. PAST twinArmageddons [PTA] 0:34 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PTA: eheheheheh KK iim ba2iically ju2t lmao here at thii2, WOW. PCG: HOLY FUCKING SHIT, ARE YOU PEOPLE RETARDED. PTA: dude don't worry ii wont fuck up your memo for long, ii ju2t cant beliieve thii2 wa2 the biig rea2on you wanted "future me" two help you open tho2e port2. PTA: two ba2iically ju2t babble about paradoxe2 and argue wiith your2elf for hundred2 of page2 heheheh. PCG: OK SO YOU'RE SAYING THIS FROM LIKE 5 HOURS IN THE FUTURE JUST TO GIVE ME A HARD TIME, NICE. PCG: WELL THANKS FOR THE HELP, SO WHEN DO I BAN YOU, FUTURE BOY? PTA: a few liine2 down, after ii pretend liike iim goiing two diie. PTA: iim 2ure for a laugh on account of my iimmiinent banniing, FUCK how could you even do that two me. PTA: 2o cold man. PCG: ARE YOU REALLY STILL SORE AT ME FIVE HOURS LATER FOR RUNNING THAT VIRUS, GOD DAMN GET OVER IT. PCG: IT WAS YOUR FUCKING VIRUS ANYWAY, YOU'RE TO BLAME. PTA: eheh no bro we're cool about that, now future you ii2 connectiing wiith me 2o ii can enter the game. PCG: OH YEAH? PTA: yeah 2o thank2 for that fiive hour2 iin advance. PCG: THIS IS BS ISN'T IT. PCG: TROLLING ME FROM THE FUTURE, HOW JUVENILE CAN YOU GET. PTA: no man iit2 true, we are bulge bumpiing pupa pal2 agaiin. PCG: OH FUCK THIS CONDESCENDING FUTURE KNOWITALL ACT, WE AREN'T BUMPING SHIT, YOU ARE SO BANNED. PTA: nooooooo, not the ban, it buuuuuuurn2, oh god hahahaha. PTA: waiit. PTA: oh god. PTA: iit doe2 burn. PTA: 2omethiing'2 wrong, iim 2eriiou2! PTA: that horriible p2ychiic noii2e PTA: the voiice2 PTA: they're all goiing two diie PTA: oh 2HiiT iim bleediing PTA: 2hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit PTA: thii2 ii2 bad PTA: ii have two get her iin quiick PTA: got two go PCG banned PTA from responding to memo.
PCG: AND SO THE PORCINE HOOF BELONGING TO THE SWOLLEN HAG KNOWN AS LADY DESTINY HAS STOMPED ANOTHER THROAT. PCG: WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKERS IS NEXT? PCG: NOBODY??? PCG: OK, GOOD. PCG: ALTHOUGH I'M FAIRLY SURE I REMEMBER SOMEONE ELSE CHIMING IN BEFORE I CLOSED THIS MEMO. PCG: YOU ADD DISORDERED SHIT RINSERS CAN'T KEEP YOUR LASCIVIOUS PRONGS OUT OF THE ROE HOLE, CAN YOU. PCG: SOLLUX, FOR FUTURE REFERENCE, OR PAST REFERENCE OR WHATEVER PCG: IF YOU WANT TO DO THAT KIND OF ROLEPLAYING, YOU CAN START YOUR OWN BULLETIN. PCG: YOU CAN ALL ACT LIKE BRAINDEAD ASSWIPES IN YOUR OWN FESTERING FLAP OF PARADOX SPACE, FINE WITH ME. PCG: EVERYONE WILL BE SO CONFUSED BY THE TIME PARADOXES, IT WILL DISTRACT THEM FROM HOW AWFUL THEIR TERRIBLE HOBBIES ARE. PCG: CHOOSE YOUR CLASSES NOW! LEVEL 69 NOOKSNIFFER IS UP FOR GRABS, WHO WANTS IT. PCG: NO THAT'S NOT AN INVITATION FOR YOU FUCKING NERDS TO COME IN HERE AND CORRECT ME ON YOUR GODDAMN FAIRY ELVES. PCG: JUST DO ME A FAVOR AND KEEP ME BANNED FROM THAT ONE OK. PCG: I'LL RETURN THE FAVOR IF YOU NERD UP MY MEMOS, I SERIOUSLY CAN'T BELIEVE HOW MANY FUCKING NERDS ARE ON THIS TEAM. PCG: JUST REMEMBER THIS IS MY PERSONAL PODIUM, A STUMP IF YOU WILL, FOR SOLE USE BY ME AS LEADER FOR IMPORTANT LEADERSHIP BUSINESS. PCG: GOT IT????????? FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 612 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: GROAN. FCG: THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING. FCG: WHAT WAS I EVEN THINKING. PCG: STFU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PCG banned FCG from responding to memo.
PCG: OK, I'M FED UP WITH THIS MEMO, GONNA CLOSE IT OUT. PCG: YOU'LL HEAR FROM ME AGAIN LATER WHEN I GOT SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY, I.E. JUST SCROLL DOWN YOU DOUCHE. PCG: IT'S ALL RIGHT THERE ALREADY. PCG: BECAUSE OF PCG: TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVEL! PCG: I KNOW, RIGHT? PCG: ANYWAY, JUST TO REITERATE: PCG: FULL STEAM AHEAD PCG: LEADER = ME FOREVER, OBVIOUSLY PCG: PEACE THE FUCK OUT DBAGS CURRENT centaursTesticle [CCT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCT: D --> I'd like to add to this useless memorandum CCT: D --> That I still don't recognize the validity of your leadership PCG: SWEET MOTHER GRUB'S OOZING VESTIGIAL THIRD ORAL SPHINCTER. PCG: HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE BE SO STUPID. CCT: D --> It may be true that we are all playing in the same session, but I see no reason to disband the former power structure CCT: D --> Especially if it means instituting a tactical midget with a short fuse, a foul mouth, and paralyzing insecurity over the color of his b100d CCT: D --> That's all I have to say PCG: OH I HAVE A SHORT FUSE! THAT'S VERY FUNNY, YOU CAN ALMOST HEAR ME LAUGH OVER THE SOUND OF THE ROBOT YOU ARE PROBABLY BEATING TO DEATH. PCG: OR DOING WORSE TO. PCG: HEY, YOU DO KISS YOUR ROBOTS, RIGHT? CCT: D --> Uh PCG: MIGHT AS WELL CLEAR THE AIR AS LONG AS WE'RE BROADCASTING THIS ACROSS THE ENTIRE SPACETIME CONTINUUM. CCT: D --> Not usually PCG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA PCG: THE FUNNY THING IS IN THE FUTURE EVERYONE WILL RECOGNIZE ME AS THE UNDISPUTED LEADER, EVEN YOU. PCG: YOU WILL BE STANDING ON THE TIPPYTOES OF YOUR IDIOTIC METAL SHOES, TAKING DELICATE PURCHASE OF MY NUBBY HORNS AND HOISTING YOURSELF OVER MY HEAD TO PUT YOUR SWEATIEST TOUGH GUY SMOOCH UPON MY TWITCHING SPINE LUMP. PCG: IT WILL BE TENDER AND DEFERENTIAL, LIKE A PAUPER KISSING A NOBLE'S RING. PCG: JUST SCROLL DOWN, READ THE LOGS. CCT: D --> Nowhere have I seen evidence of this CCT: D --> Most of this is you from various points in time raving about nonsense and arguing with yourself CCT: D --> Do you realize that here in the future, this bulletin has come to be regarded as something of a joke CCT: D --> A lengthy piece of comedy, often quoted amongst ourselves in private moments of levity CCT: D --> It seems I'm the one to inform you of this up front CCT: D --> Which is likely why you persist with the ingratiating charade against better judgement PCG: YOU'RE GETTING OFF ON THIS AREN'T YOU CCT: D --> What do you mean PCG: THIS EXCITES YOU, BEING THE TOUGH GUY AND PRETENDING LIKE YOU'RE PUTTING THE AWESOME LEADER IN HIS PLACE. PCG: YOU'RE PROBABLY WORKING UP A GOOD SWEAT. PCG: HOPE YOU ALCHEMIZED A BUNCH OF SPARE TOWELS. PCG: HEY WHY DON'T YOU && THEM WITH YOUR SPONGEY BRAIN FOR EXTRA ABSORBENCY. CCT: D --> How do you know about my perspiration problem CCT: D --> I mean, aside from reading about it in this memo CCT: D --> Wait CCT: D --> Fudgesicles PCG banned CCT from responding to memo.
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY.
CCG: THIS IS AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY TO START A NEW MEMO. CCG: IN FACT IT'S A BETTER TIME THAN ANY BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE LAWS OF CHAT CLIENT PREDESTINATION I DON'T REALLY HAVE A CHOICE DO I. CCG: FUCK. CCG: IT DOESN'T MATTER, IT'S STILL A GOOD TIME TO DO IT. CCG: PEOPLE, WE NEED TO GET ORGANIZED HERE. CCG: SHIT IS GETTING SERIOUS. CCG: WE ARE ABOUT TO EMBARK ON OPERATION REGISURP, A CUNNING PLAN DEVISED BY DOUBLE ARCHAGENT JACK NOIR TO EXILE THE BLACK QUEEN. CCG: WE WILL NEED ALL HANDS ON DECK FOR THIS, EVEN THE IDIOTS. CCG: AND ONCE AGAIN, A REMINDER CCG: DO NOT TROLL ME IN THESE MEMOS FROM ANY POINT IN TIME OR IT'S AN INSTA-BAN. CCG: ALSO A NOTE TO MY FUTURE SELF CCG: IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO SAY SOMETHING SMUG, DO ME A FAVOR AND SHOVE A THROB STALK IN IT. CCG: JUST SIT THERE PATIENTLY AND WAIT FOR ME TO BECOME YOU IN THE DUE COURSE OF TIME, THUS IMPROVING YOUR INTELLECT DRASTICALLY. CCG: OR, INTELLECTS PLURAL. CCG: I FORGOT, THERE ARE A LOT OF YOU FUCKERS OUT THERE. CCG: ALL OF YOU, JUST ZIP YOUR CHUTES. I MEAN SERIOUSLY, LIKE THERE'S NOTHING BETTER TO DO IN THE FUTURE??? CCG: IT'S THE FUTURE FOR GOD'S SAKE, A REALM OF ENDLESS FUCKING POSSIBILITIES. CCG: NOW CCG: BEFORE WE GET STARTED, LET'S TAKE A TOLL OF THE SITUATION AT THIS POINT IN TIME. CCG: *MY* POINT IN TIME. CCG: WHO'S IN SO FAR, WHO'S NOT, ETCETERA. FUTURE caligulasAquarium [FCA] 3:11 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCA: hey sorry for bustin in on the memo but i cant get ahold of you youre not answwerin CCG: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE. FCA: gams advvice is fuckin useless all he told me wwas to enjoy a bevverage CCG: NO, DUDE, DON'T DRINK THAT SHIT. IF IT WERE UP TO HIM WE WOULD ALL DRINK FAYGO AT ONCE IN SOME RITUALISTIC RAP CLOWN SUICIDE PACT. CCG: BUT INSTEAD OF COMMITTING SUICIDE THE THING THAT WE ALL ACCOMPLISH IS BECOMING INSTANTANEOUS ASSHOLES WITH AWFUL TASTE. FCA: i mean FCA: its not evven that bad FCA: its just soda but wwhatevver this isnt the point CCG: THIS ISN'T THE VENUE FOR AIRING YOUR FUTURE PROBLEMS, COUNT SEA DIPSHIT. FCA: i knoww i knoww FCA: its just FCA: i got a problem FCA: wwith feferi FCA: and im really kinda sittin here in bad shape about it emotionally speakin CCG: OK, WELL CCG: I GET THAT, I HEAR YOU BRO CCG: BUT THIS IS STILL NOT THE RIGHT PLACE FOR THIS SO I'VE GOT TO BAN YOU. CCG banned FCA from responding to memo.
CCG: BUT SERIOUSLY JUST GET IN TOUCH WITH ME IN PRIVATE ABOUT IT, OK MAN? CCG: WE'LL GET YOUR SHIT STRAIGHTENED OUT. CCG: OK. CCG: IS EVERYBODY GOOD? CCG: JUST GONNA SIT HERE FOR A MINUTE, LOCAL TIME, AND SEE IF ANYONE ELSE HAS ANY SHIT THEY WANT TO SCRAPE OFF THEIR BULGE ON TO MY CLEAN NUTRITION PLATEAU. CCG: NOBODY? CCG: GREAT, WONDERFUL. CCG: I NOW OFFICIALLY DECLARE THE NONSENSE PORTION OF THIS MEMO TO BE OVER. CCG: THIS DECREE SHALL BE BINDING AND LASTING. CCG: BACK TO PLANNING REGISURP. CCG: BEAR DOWN EVERYBODY, THIS IS FUCKING IMPORTANT, THERE IS A QUEEN ON THE LOOSE AND WE'VE GOT TO SHOW A BITCH THE DOOR. FUTURE arachnidsGrip [FAG] 609 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FAG: ::::D CCG: UN BE FUCKING LIEVABLE. FAG: Kaaaaaaaarkat! FAG: I'm sorry! FAG: 8ut do you have any idea how funny this thing is? I mean this whole thing???????? I can't stop laughing! CCG: HEY CAN FUTURE YOU MIND-PREVENT ME FROM HITTING THE BAN BUTTON? CCG: I'M GENUINELY CURIOUS! GO AHEAD, TRY TO STOP ME I DARE YOU. FAG: I'm not going to try, I'm just here to say this whole thing is ridiculous. FAG: We didn't really need you to pretend to 8e a little angry general to get any of this done. FAG: We kicked the queen out of there no sweat! It was easy. In fact, I did most of the work myself, right 8efore I found all the treasure and scaled all the rungs. CCG: OH, ALL OF THEM YOU SAY? CCG: FASCINATING. CCG: HEY FORGET THE BAN BUTTON, USE YOUR MIND POWERS TO HELP ME LOCATE THE DESPERATELY ATTEMPT TO GIVE A SHIT BUTTON. WHOOPS WE BOTH FAILED, IT DOESN'T EXIST. FAG: Hey, I'm gone. I just think you should relax. FAG: You were wound up so tight through the whole adventure, and now here in the present you're a8out to explode. It's insuffera8le! CCG: EVERYBODY, DID YOU HEAR THAT?? SUPERFUTURE VRISKA HAS AN IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON FOR US ALL. CCG: WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT OUR PRESENT RESPONSIBILIES AND OBLIGATIONS! CCG: BECAUSE AS IT TURNS OUT, IN THE FUTURE ALL THAT STUFF ALREADY HAPPENED. WE'RE OFF THE FUCKING HOOK! CCG: TIME TO RELAX. LET'S ALL CRAWL INTO OUR COCOONS AND GET BUSY STIMULATING OUR AUTOEROGENOUS SHAME GLOBES. CCG: FIRST ONE TO START A WANK FIRE GETS A SHINY BOONDOLLAR. CCG: THIS IS AN ORDER FROM YOUR LEADER. FAG: Hahahahahahahaha. CCG banned FAG from responding to memo.
CCG: LATER, FAG. CCG: TOO BAD THE ACRONYM WASN'T "HAG" INSTEAD, IT WOULD HAVE SUITED YOU MUCH BETTER. CCG: INSTEAD OF THAT NONSENSE WORD CCG: MAYBE ITS ASSOCIATION WITH YOU WILL COLLOQUIALLY CAUSE IT TO TAKE ON A NEGATIVE CONNOTATION, WHAT DO YOU THINK? CCG: MAYBE FAG WILL BE "THE NEW BURN!" EVEN THOUGH IT REALLY MEANS NOTHING IN OUR LANGUAGE. CCG: I DON'T KNOW, THIS IS STUPID, FORGET IT CCG: OK I'M RAMBLING HERE, I'M AWARE OF THAT. CCG: FUTURE ME, DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE WEIGH IN ON THIS, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. CCG: IF I WERE FUTURE ME, WHICH I GUESS I AM, I WOULD READ THIS AND BE ALL OVER IT, LIKE DAMMIT KARKAT WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING. CCG: GET TO THE POINT. FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 0:20 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: YEAH PRETTY MUCH. CCG banned FCG from responding to memo.
CCG: SO I'M SAYING IT TO MYSELF ALREADY HERE AND NOW, SO I WON'T HAVE TO LATER, GOT IT YOU TRENCHANT BACKBITING PRICKS????? CCG: DAMN, I'M LOSING MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT. CCG: MAYBE I'LL PICK IT UP AGAIN IN A FRESH MEMO LATER. CCG: I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S RIGHT THOUGH, BECAUSE I VAGUELY REMEMBER THIS ONE BEING LONGER THAN THIS. PAST adiosToreador [PAT] 0:38 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PAT: hEYY, CCG: OH SON OF A BITCH. PAT: i THOUGHT, PAT: sINCE IT LOOKS LIKE, yOU'RE SAYING YOU'RE OUT OF IMPORTANT MEMO STUFF TO SAY, PAT: uHH, PAT: mAYBE YOU COULD HELP ME, hERE, PAT: sINCE i DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE NOW, bUT MAYBE HELP ME, PAT: aBOUT A THING THAT HAS TO DO WITH A GIRL, PAT: lIKE, PAT: a ROMANCE THING, yOU MIGHT KNOW ABOUT, CCG: YOU PEOPLE ARE IMBECILES. CCG: ALL OF YOU. CCG: I AM NOT POSTING THESE MEMOS TO COUNSEL YOU ON YOUR PAST AND FUTURE DATING PROBLEMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CCG: WHY ARE YOU ALL SUCH BASKET CASES. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY ANYMORE. PAT: sORRY, CCG: SHOULD I BAN YOU? WHAT'S EVEN THE POINT ANYMORE! ONE OF YOU STOOGES WILL BE RIGHT ON THE LAST ONES HEELS WITH ANOTHER SOB STORY. CCG: JUST CCG: HURRY UP AND TELL ME WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS BRO. PAT: oKAY, PAT: i'M SORT OF, lYING ON vRISKA'S FLOOR RIGHT NOW, PAT: lIKE, iN HER BLOCK, PAT: lYING DOWN, PAT: uHH, yOU KNOW, bECAUSE i CAN'T WALK, CCG: OH NO SHIT REALLY??? CCG: YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS, WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN. PAT: uH, yEAH, aNYWAY, PAT: sHE TRIED TO KISS ME, PAT: wELL, sHE DIDN'T TRY, sHE ACTUALLY DID, PAT: aND THEN, kIND OF DROPPED ME, PAT: aND ALSO WE ARE WEARING COSTUMES, PAT: wOW, i'M NOT EXPLAINING THIS WELL, CCG: THIS IS SO FUCKED UP, WHAT HAVE YOU GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO. PAT: aND NOW, tO MAKE IT, PAT: uHHHHH, PAT: a LOT WEIRDER, PAT: tHERE IS AN ANGRY VOICE IN MY HEAD, PAT: i DONT THINK IT'S rUFIO THIS TIME, PAT: rUFIO'S NOT THAT ANGRY, PAT: hE'S ALSO IMAGINARY, PAT: lIKE, a FAKE MADE UP FRIEND, PAT: yOU KNOW, lIKE, PAT: tHE WAY FAIRIES ARE, }:( CCG: GOD, ACTUALLY I REMEMBER READING THIS BULLSHIT. CCG: OR SKIMMING IT AT LEAST. CCG: HOW COULD I FORGET??? CCG: MORE LOONEYBLOCK THEATER, AND HERE I AM DRAWING THE CURTAINS FOR YOU GUYS LIKE A DOPE. PAT: aNYWAY, i THINK VRISKA IS UPSET ABOUT IT, aND SHE'S NOT TALKING OR ANYTHING, PAT: wHAT DO i DO, CCG: OK WELL, I CAN ADVISE YOU AND STUFF CCG: BUT YOU DO REALIZE THIS IS A PUBLIC BULLETIN. CCG: WE SHOULD BE HAVING THIS CHAT IN PRIVATE. CCG: EVERYONE CAN READ THIS, EVEN HER. CCG: I MEAN FUCK, SHE WAS *JUST HERE* TALKING YOU DUMMY! PAT: i KNOW, i READ THAT, PAT: bUT, PAT: tHAT'S FUTURE HER, wHICH, PAT: dOESN'T SEEM SO BAD, PAT: mAYBE FUTURE HER CAN READ THIS, aND, PAT: i GUESS, PAT: kNOW i'M SORRY ABOUT IT, PAT: i DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT HER FEELINGS, CCG: WELL, FINE, IF YOU WANT TO BROADCAST A TRANSTIMELINE APOLOGY THEN FINE. CCG: BUT YOU SHOULD REALIZE THE FUTURE IS KIND OF A WIDE OPEN THING, I MEAN SHE COULD READ THIS LIKE TWO MINUTES IN THE FUTURE AS WELL AS 600 HOURS. CCG: AT THAT POINT YOU WOULD ESSENTIALLY BE TALKING TO PRESENT HER, COMPLETELY DEFEATING THE PURPOSE OF YOUR SPINELESS MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE APOLOGY. PAT: oH, PAT: yEAH, PAT: i DIDN'T, rEALLY THINK OF THAT, PAST arachnidsGrip [PAG] 0:08 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PAG: Hi. CCG: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. PAG: Karkat, shut up! This does not concern you. CCG: OK WHATEVER. MY MEMO, BUT WHATEVER. PAT: uH, wOW, PAT: hI, PAG: Tavros, it's ok. Really. PAG: So you don't feel that way a8out me! That's fine. I shouldn't have expected any different. PAG: I can deal with it! I am not a wimp like you. I roll with 8ad 8r8ks all the time. No 8iggie. PAG: In fact, I already have dealt with it. I was over here dealing with it while you were over there on the floor fooling around with your computer after a cute girl tried to kiss you for some reason. PAG: As it turned out, fooling around with your computer to........ PAG: Go cry on future Karkat's shoulder a8out this???????? PAT: uM, PAT: yEAH, PAG: Hahahaha. You are a str8nge and funny 8oy, Tavros. CCG: OH GOD CCG: THIS IS CCG: COMPLETELY HILARIOUS. CCG: NOW I SEE WHY EVERYONE HAS BEEN RIPPING ON MY MEMOS. PAG: Karkat I said shut the fuck up!!!!!!!! PAG: Anyway, though totally unnecessary, your apology is accepted. PAT: oKAY, PAG: Now pick yourself up off the floor so we can go wring some fucking treasure out of this misera8le magic rock! PAT: yEAH, i'LL TRY, PAG: Actually, never mind, I'll 8e over there to help you with that too, kind of like I do with everything. PAG: Just lie still and try not to start crying or anything, and w8 a few minutes for your timeframe to catch up with mine. PAT: uH, PAT: wHAT, PAG: Exactly! I aaaaaaaam smarter than you. You see? You're learning! CCG: FUCK, ENOUGH ALREADY. CCG: THERE, GREAT, ANOTHER HAPPY COUPLE CCG: IN WHATEVER HIDEOUS QUADRANT THIS BATSHIT PAIRING WILL SUSTAIN. CCG: NOW OFF YOU GO. CCG banned PAT from responding to memo.
CCG banned PAG from responding to memo.
CCG: HOLY HELL. CCG: THIS IS EXHAUSTING. CCG: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT ANYMORE. CCG: OK, MAYBE I'LL TAKE A MINUTE TO COLLECT MY THOUGHTS AND GET BACK ON TOPIC HERE. FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 609 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: NO YOU WON'T. FCG: THIS ONE WAS PARTICULARLY NAUSEATING IN RETROSPECT, I'M SHUTTING THIS DOWN. FCG banned CCG from responding to memo.
To bring every circle closed, her partner and rival would have to be guided in tandem. The Thief and the Seer were to serve as twin lashes of the scourge cracked by a quasiroyal against her own former kingdom to settle a score. To make him pay. Scourge's black inches would rip red miles through Derse, and the bright rivers gushing from its wounds would wash her mutineers down the drains of exile. In time they would have to answer for their treason.
Patience would be necessary. But then, she'd recently come into all the time in the universe.
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 599 HOURS FROM NOW opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY.
FCG: FINE THEN. FCG: SINCE PAST ME JUST BANNED CURRENT ME FROM THE PRECEDING MEMO FCG: AND DOESN'T APPEAR TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MY FUTURE WISDOM, AS USUAL FCG: LOOKS LIKE I'LL JUST HAVE TO START ANOTHER MEMO FROM SCRATCH. FCG: HEY PAST ME, GO HAVE A BLAST KILLING THE KING, I'M SURE IT WILL BE AWESOME. FCG: IN FACT, IT WAS AWESOME. BANG UP JOB WITH THAT, DUDE! FCG: TOO BAD IT WAS ALL A HUGE WASTE OF TIME. FCG: OH, WHAT'S THAT, PASTHOLE? YOU DIDN'T READ THIS AND FIGURE THAT OUT AHEAD OF TIME? FCG: OR MAYBE YOU JUST SKIMMED THIS AND IT DIDN'T GET THROUGH YOUR THICK BULGE??? FCG: WHAT A SHOCK! FCG: MEMO-WITHIN-MEMO TO PRESENT SELF: PUT FORTH A MORE CONCERTED EFFORT TO IMPRESS UPON EVERYONE IN THE PAST, MYSELF INCLUDED, WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING IDIOTS THEY ALL ARE. FCG: I AM LEARNING A VALUABLE LESSON TODAY! FCG: IT TURNS OUT YOU CAN'T ALTER THE OUTCOME OF DECISIONS MADE BY MORONS, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU YELL AT THEM. FCG: ALL YOU CAN REALLY DO IS GIVE THEM A HARD TIME AND TRY TO MAKE THEIR LIVES JUST A LITTLE MORE MISERABLE. FCG: WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A MORE NOBLE PURSUIT THAN CHANGING DESTINY FOR THE BETTER ANYWAY, FRANKLY. FCG: LOSERS SHOULD BE FORCED TO FACE THE MUSIC, EVEN FOR THE MISTAKES THEY HAVEN'T MADE YET. FCG: THEIR PUNISHMENT IS BEING ALLOWED TO MAKE THE MISTAKE IN THE FIRST PLACE. TALK ABOUT POETIC JUSTICE! FCG: AND THEN GETTING SOUNDLY BERATED BEFORE, DURING, AND AFTER THE MISTAKES ARE BEING MADE IS JUST THE MUCUS ON THE GRUBLOAF. FCG: THE SWEET, TANGY MUCUS. FCG: THIS IS DUMB. FCG: WHY DID I EVER THINK THESE MEMOS WERE GOING TO BE A GOOD IDEA. FCG: NOBODY CARES FCG: I MEAN FCG: NOBODY'S EVEN TROLLING ME ANYMORE. FCG: AND I'M LEAVING MYSELF WIDE OPEN TOO, SAYING SOME PRETTY DUMB THINGS HERE. FCG: I GUESS MAYBE I WROTE TOO MANY. FCG: AND FILLED TOO MANY OF THEM WITH LONG ARGUMENTS WITH MYSELF. FCG: NO ONE'S GOING TO READ THROUGH ALL THIS, ALL THE VALUABLE INFORMATION IS JUST GETTING LOST IN THE YELLING. FCG: YOU STUPID STUPID IDIOT. FCG: OH FUCK YOU, WHY'D YOU EVEN START ANOTHER MEMO THEN?? FCG: I GUESS FCG: THERE ARE A COUPLE THINGS I WANT TO GET OFF MY CHEST, OK? FCG: OH GOD, NOW I'M ARGUING WITH CURRENT ME. FCG: I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE I WAS DOING IT, THIS IS REALLY FUCKED UP. FCG: I'VE GOT TO PULL IT TOGETHER. FCG: THINK BACK TO WHAT WE MIGHT HAVE DONE WRONG. FCG: BUT THE THING IS FCG: AS MUCH AS OUR PAST SELVES ARE A BUNCH OF STUBBORN UNLISTENING ASSHOLES FCG: I CAN'T EVEN REALLY IDENTIFY ANY MISTAKES WE MADE. FCG: IT WAS ALL PRETTY MUCH LIKE CLOCKWORK. FCG: A 600 HOUR CAMPAIGN TO COMPLETE A GAME LIKE THIS IS PRETTY GOOD IF YOU ASK ME. FCG: AND I HAVE ASKED ME. FCG: IT TURNS OUT ME AGREES. FCG: I CAN'T SHAKE THE FEELING SOMEONE ELSE MUST BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS. FCG: IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE IT WAS SOMETHING THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN IN OUR SESSION. FCG: SOLLUX HAS THE SAME INTUITION ABOUT IT AS ME, HE THINKS THERE'S SOMETHING FII2HY ABOUT IT. FCG: IT'S REALLY INSUFFERABLE THE WAY HER FISH PUNS HAVE RUBBED OFF ON HIM, IT KIND OF MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT. FCG: ANYWAY FCG: HE SAYS HE'S WORKING ON TRACING THE ORIGIN OF THIS DISASTER. FCG: IF I FIND OUT WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FCG: I WILL FCG: I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT NOW. FCG: WASTE OF GOOD FRESH RAGE. FCG: I'M A LITTLE TIRED OF ALL THE OLD THINGS I'VE BEEN ANGRY ABOUT. FCG: IT'S GOTTEN SO STALE. FCG: IN A WEIRD WAY I'M SORT OF LOOKING FORWARD TO HAVING SOMETHING NEW TO BE PISSED OFF ABOUT. FCG: IT'S NOT LIKE THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE TO LIVE FOR NOW ANYWAY. FCG: SO I'M KEEPING MY PRONGS CROSSED. FCG: IT WILL BE LIKE FUCKING 12TH PERIGEE'S EVE UP IN HERE. FCG: LAST SWEEP'S EVE WAS PROBABLY THE LAST HAPPY MEMORY I HAVE IN FACT. FCG: WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO FOR THE LAST HOLIDAY? FCG: ANYONE? FCG: I REMEMBER MY LUSUS HAD BEEN GONE FOR DAYS AND I WAS STARTING TO GET WORRIED. FCG: BUT THEN HE FINALLY RETURNED, TRIUMPHANT. FCG: HE BROUGHT THE FRESH BEHEMOTH LEAVING INTO OUR HIVE, AND TOGETHER WE DECORATED IT. FCG: AND FCG: I DUNNO FCG: THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY, I'M GETTING A LUMP IN MY SQUAWK BLISTER. FCG: I GUESS I'M DONE. FCG: I'M GOING TO LIE DOWN NOW FCG: ON THE STEEL FLOOR OF THIS FRIGID METEOR DRIFTING THROUGH THE BLACK UNCARING VOID OF OUR NULL SESSION. FCG: NULL, KIND OF LIKE THIS MEMO I GUESS. FCG: LATER. CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGA: I Dont Think We Did Anything Special FCG: WHOA, HEY FCG: WHAT? CGA: Last 12th CGA: We Stayed In CGA: And I Read Stories To Her It Was Nice FCG: OH FCG: THAT'S COOL. FCG: THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE RESPONDED TO A MEMO THAT I CAN RECALL. FCG: YOU TOOK IT RIGHT DOWN TO THE WIRE. I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CLOSE THIS THING. CGA: Yeah I Know CGA: I Wasnt Sure If I Was Going To CGA: But Then I Noticed A Conversation In Which I Was A Participant CGA: Which As It Turns Out Is The Conversation Taking Place Now CGA: I Scanned It Briefly And Then Perused Other Memos For My Presence CGA: I Found None And Returned To This One CGA: But My Part Of The Conversation Was Gone CGA: I Regarded This As A Prompt To Begin Typing And Record My Contributions Live CGA: That Is How This Works Isnt It FCG: PRETTY MUCH. FCG: FOR A WHILE IT WAS FRUSTRATING. FCG: WHEN I DISCOVERED THE FEATURE I KIND OF BREEZED THROUGH ALL MY FUTURE MEMOS, NOT REALLY READING ALL OF THEM CAREFULLY OR THOROUGHLY. FCG: THEN I LOOKED AT IT AGAIN, AND THE WHOLE BOARD WAS GONE. FCG: BECAUSE IT WAS TIME TO MAKE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE, SO I DID. FCG: AND THEN I KEPT MAKING MEMOS WITH ONLY FOGGY RECOLLECTIONS OF WHAT THEY CONTAINED. FCG: WHILE ALL THESE OTHER CHUMPS FROM DIFFERENT TIMES KEPT GIVING ME SHIT. FCG: INCLUDING MYSELF. FCG: BUT IT WAS ALL GOOD, BECAUSE AS I EVENTUALLY BECAME MY OWN FUTURE SELVES, AND GOT TO BE ON THE OTHER SIDES OF THOSE CONVERSATIONS. FCG: AND COULD DO MY PAST SELVES THE SERVICE OF INFORMING THEM HOW STUPID THEY WERE BEING. FCG: I STOPPED BOTHERING TRYING TO REMEMBER HOW ANY OF THESE MEMOS WENT. FCG: HONESTLY THE LAST FEW WEEKS HAVE BEEN A BLUR TO ME, JUST NON STOP YELLING AT MYSELF, HAGGLING WITH PAST AND FUTURE KNUCKLEHEADS, KILLING MONSTERS AND SOLVING PUZZLES, CYCLING THROUGH ALL THE GATES AND PLANETS LIKE A HUNDRED TIMES, ZIGZAGGING DOWN TO THE BATTLEFIELD, OUT TO THE VEIL, OVER TO PROSPIT, BACK TO DERSE, AND ON AND ON AND ON LIKE THAT UNTIL WE THOUGHT WE WON. FCG: BUT WE DIDN'T WIN. WE LOST. FCG: WE LOST AS HARD AS FAT GUYS FALL. CGA: What Exactly Happened FCG: DID YOU READ THE MEMO JUST BEFORE THIS? CGA: No FCG: GIVE IT A READ, I'M DONE RANTING ABOUT ALL THAT FOR NOW. CGA: Alright CGA: In A Moment FCG: BUT YEAH, THAT'S HOW TROLLIAN'S TIMELINE STUFF WORKS. YOU'LL GET USED TO IT. FCG: OR NOT! SINCE APPARENTLY THIS IS YOUR ONLY MEMO REPLY. YOU WERE PRETTY SHREWD IN SIDESTEPPING THIS WHOLE CLUSTERFUCK. CGA: It Seems Like A Logical Way To Engineer A System Wherein One Simultaneously Functions As The Reader And Author Of The Transcripts CGA: Its Temporally Sound Construction FCG: THEN YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS SO. FCG: HELL YOU PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER MAID OF TIME THAN THE ONE WE WERE STUCK WITH. FCG: SHE'S COMPLETELY SHITHIVE MAGGOTS, DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED. CGA: I Think We Are Given Roles To Challenge Us CGA: That Dont Necessarily Suit Our Strengths CGA: At Least I Was CGA: I Have No Idea What Im Doing Here FCG: SURE YOU DO. FCG: OR, YOU WILL. TRUST ME YOU'LL DO FINE. FCG: SO WHAT PROMPTED YOU TO RESPOND ANYWAY. FCG: I MEAN ASIDE FROM BEING STRONGARMED BY CONVERSATIONAL PREDESTINATION. CGA: Oh CGA: At This Point Im Not Even Sure If Im Inclined To Ask Anymore FCG: YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE A CHOICE. FCG: DO YOU REMEMBER IF THIS MEMO WAS MUCH LONGER THAN THIS? CGA: Um CGA: There Is A Good Way To Go I Think Yeah FCG: THEN MIGHT AS WELL SPIT IT OUT. CGA: Its Such A Silly Question FCG: RED OR BLACK? CGA: What FCG: YOUR PROBLEM, DOES IT PERTAIN TO REDROM OR BLACKROM INTERESTS? CGA: Thats Not What This Is About FCG: COME ON. PEOPLE HAVE BEEN USING THESE MEMOS TO SIFT THROUGH THEIR ROMANTIC PROBLEMS FOR WEEKS, I AM A FUCKING VETERAN AT THIS SHIT BY NOW. FCG: SERIOUSLY, I DON'T MIND, IT'LL BE A WELCOME REPRIEVE FROM SHOUTING AT MYSELF. CGA: Im Not Sure What To Say About It FCG: DIDN'T YOU AT LEAST GET A SENSE OF WHAT THIS CONVERSATION WAS ABOUT WHEN YOU SKIMMED IT? CGA: Not Really CGA: If I Were Thinking About It I Probably Wouldnt Have Wanted To Anyway CGA: Dont You Think Its Better To Have Unrehearsed Conversations CGA: Even If The Subject Matter Is Awkward FCG: YES I COMPLETELY AGREE. FCG: IT'S GOOD YOU DIDN'T READ IT. WE CAN AVOID THE SORT OF VERBAL SLAPSTICK ROUTINES I'M SICK TO FUCKING DEATH OF BY NOW. FCG: I AM SO TIRED OF PEOPLE BEING ALL COY AND TELLING ME WHAT WE'RE ABOUT TO SAY BEFORE WE SAY IT, AND THEN WE WIND UP FUCKING SAYING IT ANYWAY. FCG: AND THEN WE PROVE TO THE INVISIBLE RIDDLER THAT IS FATHER TIME BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING IDIOTS WE ALL ARE. FCG: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW OLD THAT GETS AFTER A WHILE? FCG: SO REALLY, TELL ME. FCG: I KNOW IT'S ON YOUR MIND, I GOT A SENSE FOR THESE THINGS. FCG: R OR B??? CGA: Ok CGA: Red Then CGA: But I Guess CGA: Not Really Red Enough FCG: HAHA, WELL ISN'T THAT ALWAYS THE CASE? FCG: STORY AS OLD AS TIME. FCG: EVEN IN PLACES WHERE STRICTLY SPEAKING TIME DIDN'T EXIST UNTIL RECENTLY. FCG: WHO'S THE TARGET OF THESE FLUSHED LEANINGS? FCG: IF YOU DON'T MIND MY ASKING. CGA: Its Not The Asking I Mind CGA: Its The Telling CGA: In A Public Forum FCG: I DON'T THINK ANYONE'S READING. FCG: DID YOU NOTICE ANYONE ELSE JOIN IN LATER? CGA: No CGA: It Appeared To Be Just The Two Of Us FCG: SEE FCG: NOBODY CARES ENOUGH TO BOTHER. CGA: I Dont Know Whether Thats Reassuring CGA: Or Just A Bit Disheartening FCG: WELL I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT. FCG: THEIR DISINTEREST IS MORE A REFLECTION ON ME THAN YOU. CGA: Disinterest Is The Operative Concept Here CGA: Shes Not Even Responding To My Messages Anymore CGA: Could Be Busy CGA: But Im Rapidly Approaching A Resolution To Discard The Preposterous Infatuation FCG: SHE? WELL I GUESS THAT NARROWS IT DOWN SOMEWHAT. CGA: Shit FCG: IF I THINK BACK ON EVENTS KNOWING THIS I COULD PROBABLY PIECE IT TOGETHER... CGA: How About CGA: If I Agree To Consult With You About It In Private CGA: We Can Drop It Here CGA: Before You Crack Me Like A Vault CGA: With Your Weird Romance Sleuthing Acumen FCG: ALRIGHT, DEAL. CGA: It Still Puzzles Me That You Are So Versed In The Topic CGA: Do You Have Access To A Manual Archived On A Remote Server Somewhere FCG: WHAT FCG: NO OF COURSE NOT. FCG: I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW ALL THAT MUCH. FCG: I JUST KNOW THIS STUFF WILL DRIVE YOU SHITHIVE MAGGOTS IF YOU DON'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO DEAL WITH IT. CGA: That Figure Of Speech You Keep Using Puzzles Me Too FCG: LIKE FCG: NOT THAT I EXPECT YOU TO GIVE A SHIT BUT PERSONALLY I AM ALL TWISTED UP ABOUT BLACKROM STUFF ESPECIALLY. FCG: HONESTLY I DON'T THINK I WAS CUT OUT TO HAVE A KISMESIS, I THINK MY STANDARDS ARE WAY TOO HIGH. FCG: DID YOU KNOW THAT... FCG: THIS FEELS SO INSANE TO ADMIT, BUT FCG: OVER THE COURSE OF THIS ADVENTURE, AT TIMES I ACTUALLY BEGAN TO SUSPECT I WAS MY OWN KISMESIS. FCG: HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT??? CGA: Im Not Qualified To Say CGA: Neither Romance Nor Psychology Are My Strong Suits FCG: BUT OBVIOUSLY ITS NOT TRUE, I NEVER EVEN DID ANY LEGIT TIME TRAVELING WHERE I COULD MEET MYSELF, I JUST BICKERED WITH PAST AND FUTURE GHOSTS ON A CHAT CLIENT. FCG: FITTING REALLY. EVERY CALIGINOUS ADVERSARY I'VE CONTEMPLATED HAS ELUDED ME LIKE A PHANTOM, EVEN MYSELF! FCG: WHATEVER, I'M DONE WITH IT. CGA: And What Of Scarlet Ambitions CGA: Fare Any Better In That Quadrant FCG: NO NO NO I'M NOT AIRING THAT SHIT OUT HERE. FCG: MAYBE PRIVATELY. FCG: IT'S PRIVATE. FCG: LET'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT, WHAT WERE YOU ORIGINALLY GOING TO ASK ME. CGA: Oh Fine CGA: Heres This Silly Question For You CGA: I Was Just Wondering Given Your Vantage Of Hindsight CGA: If Youd Had Cause To Observe At Any Point In Time CGA: Magic FCG: UH... CGA: Like Real Magic CGA: I Guess What Im Asking Is CGA: Is Magic A Real Thing FCG: WOW, YOU'RE RIGHT, THAT'S KIND OF THE DUMBEST FUCKING QUESTION I'VE EVER HEARD. CGA: I Know CGA: Its Just That I Have A Good Reason To Believe Magic Is Real CGA: Our Ancient Predecessors Discovered How To Use It CGA: But Then They May Have Surpassed Us In Skill By A Great Deal FCG: YOU PUT WAY TOO MUCH STOCK IN THAT RATTY OLD GUIDE. FCG: BUT ANYWAY NO, WE NEVER USED MAGIC. FCG: I MEAN, LET ME TRY TO PUT INTO PERSPECTIVE HOW RIDICULOUS THE WHOLE NOTION IS ANYWAY. FCG: WE CAN ALCHEMIZE PRACTICALLY ANYTHING WITH THE RIGHT MATERIALS AND GRIST. FCG: WE CAN, AND DID, MAKE SUPER POWERFUL WEAPONS AND ITEMS THAT CAN DO PRACTICALLY ANYTHING. FCG: WHAT ADDITIONAL ADVANTAGE COULD MAGIC OFFER? ALL THIS SHIT IS PRACTICALLY MAGIC ANYWAY. FCG: BUT MORE LIKE FCG: GOOFY SCIENCEY MAGIC. YOU KNOW? CGA: Sure FCG: BUT EVERYTHING HERE IS KIND OF MAGIC IN A WAY, ISN'T IT. FCG: FORTUNE TELLING DREAM CLOUDS AND GOLDEN MOONS AND SHIT. FCG: IF YOU LOOK AROUND FCG: THERE'S MAGIC EVERYWHERE IN THIS BITCH. FCG: IT'S ALL AROUND US. FCG: MOTHER FUCKIN MIRACLES, RIGHT? CGA: Heh FCG: WHAT DO YOU NEED MAGIC FOR ANYWAY? CGA: Im Running Out Of Ideas CGA: I Need To Figure Out A Way To Stoke This Volcano CGA: In Case You And The Others Are Successful In Recovering The Queens Ring FCG: YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT. FCG: AND YOU WON'T NEED MAGIC, TRUST ME. FCG: JUST BE PATIENT, THE ANSWER WILL COME TO YOU SOMEHOW. CGA: I Guess You Would Know FCG: YEAH, REALLY THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. FCG: AT LEAST AS FAR AS THE DETAILS OF THE ADVENTURE GO. FCG: WE WERE ALL PRETTY AWESOME AT THIS GAME. FCG: REALLY AWESOME IN FACT. FCG: UNTIL A LITTLE WHILE AGO. FCG: WHEN IT TURNED OUT WE WEREN'T ACTUALLY ALL THAT AWESOME. FCG: TURNS OUT WE WERE PRETTY FUCKING UNAWESOME ALL ALONG. CGA: Still Baffled By What Would Conceivably Cause Such A Crisis In Awesomeness Post-Victory FCG: WELL FCG: FOR STARTERS FCG: HAVE YOU SCROLLED UP TO THE TOP OF THE TIMELINES YET? CGA: No FCG: CHECK THAT OUT FCG: MAYBE READ A FEW RECENT MEMOS FCG: BUT OTHER THAN THAT IT'S NOT FOR YOU TO CONCERN YOURSELF WITH. FCG: JUST DEAL WITH GETTING THROUGH THE QUEST. FCG: I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU ABOUT IT WHEN YOU CATCH UP WITH ME ON THE TIMELINE. FCG: WHICH JUST HAPPENS TO BE RIGHT NOW. CGA: Say Hi To Me For Myself FCG: OK I PROBABLY WON'T DO THAT, BUT ALRIGHT HA HA. FCG: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE ANYWAY? CGA: You Mean Future Me FCG: YEAH. FCG: YOU'RE MESSING AROUND WITH YOUR CHAINSAW. FCG: WHILE TAVROS IS SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR. FCG: OH GOD. FCG: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK WHAT ARE YOU DOING??????? CGA: What CGA: What Did I Do FUTURE carcinoGeneticist 2 [FCG2] 600 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG2: OK. FCG2: EVERYTHING'S FINE I GUESS. CGA: What Happened FCG2: I PASSED OUT FOR ABOUT AN HOUR. FCG2: FUCKING EMBARRASSING. FCG2: YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND, YOU KNOW. CGA: Shithive Maggots You Mean FCG2: YEAH FCG2: IN A GOOD WAY THOUGH. FCG2: OK I'M SHUTTING THIS MEMO DOWN FOR MY PAST SELF. FCG2: SINCE HE'S CURRENTLY LYING UNCONSCIOUS ON THE FLOOR AN HOUR AGO. FCG2: SEE YOU IN THE FUTURE-NOW. CGA: Til Then FCG2 banned CGA from responding to memo.
FCG2 banned FCG from responding to memo.
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carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]
CG: OK I GOT YOUR MESSAGE CG: THANKS FOR NOT HASSLING ME ABOUT IT IN ONE OF THE MEMOS TO GET MY ATTENTION, I APPRECIATE THAT. CG: UNLESS YOU DID, BUT IT WAS IN A FUTURE MEMO I HAVEN'T WRITTEN YET, IN WHICH CASE HAVE A BIGTIME FUCK YOU ABOUT THAT IN ADVANCE. GC: NO 1 D1DNT BUG YOU 4BOUT 1T 1N YOUR STUP1D M3MOS! GC: TH3Y 4R3 4NNOY1NG 4ND 1M T1R3D OF G3TT1NG B4NN3D FOR NO R34SON CG: POSTING IN THEM AT ALL IS THE REASON. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO REPLY MEMOS PERIOD, THAT'S THE REASON. GC: M4YB3 1 W1LL ST4RT MY OWN BULL3T1N BO4RD GC: 4ND 3V3RYON3 W1LL B3 4LLOW3D TO R3PLY 4NY T1M3 TH3Y W4NT GC: 3XC3PT FOR GUYS W1TH NUBBY HORNS, OH NO, TH3Y W1LL NOT B3 4BL3 TO R3PLY 4T 4LL GC: GRUMPY K4RK4TS W1LL B3 3XPR3SSLY FORB1DD3N FROM R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN! GC: >:P CG: SOUNDS LAME. GC: BY TH3 W4Y TH4T W1LL B3 TH3 N4M3 OF TH3 BO4RD 1N C4S3 1T W4SNT CL34R CG: YEAH I GOT THAT. CG: THIS IS AN EMPTY THREAT, BECAUSE IF YOU MADE A BOARD AT ANY POINT ON THE TIMELINE I WOULD BE ABLE TO SEE IT RIGHT HERE AND READ THE WHOLE THING ALREADY. CG: WAIT... CG: OH GOD, YOU ACTUALLY DID. GC: Y3SSSSS! GC: FUTUR3 T3R3Z1 1S LOOK1NG PR3TTY COOL R1GHT 4BOUT NOW >8] CG: LOOK I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY. CG: WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT GOING AFTER THE QUEEN'S RING. GC: W3LL GC: TH3 TH1NG TH4T 1S 4LL 4BOUT 1T 1S GC: W3 H4V3 TO GO 4FT3R TH3 QU33NS R1NG GC: 1T 1S 4 N3W M1SS1ON CG: BUT WE'RE STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF TRYING TO PULL OFF REGISURP WITH JACK. CG: WHY DON'T WE TAKE IT ONE MISSION AT A TIME. GC: Y34H 4BOUT TH4T GC: TH3 WHOL3 PO1NT 1S TO D3STROY TH3 R1NG SO J4CK DO3SNT G3T 1T CG: WHY WOULD WE WANT TO DO THAT, JACK'S AN ALLY. GC: 4LSO GC: TH3 M1SS1ON SORT OF 1NVOLV3S 3X1L1NG J4CK TOO GC: >:| CG: THIS IS BULLSHIT. CG: WE'RE NOT EXILING JACK, HE'S COOL. GC: K4RK4T, H3 1S NOT TH4T COOL! CG: YES HE IS, HE'S A TOTAL BADASS WITH A FUCK TON OF BLADES AND SHIT, AND HE'S HELPING US OUT. GC: OK, 1 TH1NK 1TS PR3TTY CUT3 TH4T YOU SORT OF LOOK UP TO H1M L1K3 TH4T GC: BUT S3R1OUSLY, 1 DO NOT G3T 4 GOOD F33L1NG FROM H1M! GC: H3 K1ND OF CG: STINKS? CG: LET ME ACTED SHOCKED LIKE I DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING. CG: O: CG: FUCK I FORGOT MY HORNS, I ALWAYS FORGET THEM CG: O:B GC: NO! GC: W3LL GC: SORT OF GC: H3 DO3SNT SM3LL B4D 4CTU4LLY GC: H3 SM3LLS R34LLY CL34N 4ND SH1NY 4ND D4RK D4RK D444RK L1K3 4N O1L SL1CK 4ND TH3R3 1S 4 T1NY H1NT OF L1COR1C3 TH3R3 TOO GC: 1TS MOR3 L1K3 GC: TH3 W4Y H3 MOV3S GC: 1 SM3LL H1S SMOOTH MOT1ONS 4ND TH3 W4Y H3 SQU1NTS H1S 3Y3S 4ND 1T G1V3S M3 TH1S R34LLY N3RVOUS F33L1NG CG: WHAT A SURPRISE, YOU ARE DRAGGING YOUR SCHIZOPHRENIC NOSE INTO THIS, WHAT AN OUTSTANDING CHARACTER WITNESS. CG: OBJECTION YOUR TYRANNY! HAHAHA GC: >:D CG: THE BOTTOM LINE IS I AM NOT GOING TO EXILE JACK BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN SMELL MALICE OFF AN INTERPRETIVE DANCE. GC: K4RK4T, H3S 4 J3RK! GC: H3 H4S ST4BB3D YOU ON MOR3 TH4N ON3 OCC4S1ON! CG: SOME OF THOSE STABBINGS WERE ACCIDENTAL! GC: >8| CG: OK, WELL I KNOW FOR A FACT THE THIRD TIME WAS ACCIDENTAL. CG: ANYWAY YOU'VE BEATEN THE SHIT OUT OF ME A FEW TIMES YOURSELF. GC: BUT 1 D1DN'T DR4W BLOOD! GC: 1 M34N 1 COULD H4V3 TO S4T1SFY MY CUR1OS1TY >:] GC: BUT 1 D1DNT 4S 4 COURT3SY TO YOU GC: S1NC3 YOU ST1LL W4NT TO K33P 1T 4 S3CR3T FROM M3 L1K3 4 P3TUL4NT L1TTL3 W1GGL3R >:P CG: HEY I PROMISED I'D TELL YOU. CG: I JUST CG: WASN'T READY OK GC: W3LL GC: 1TS OK GC: 1 KNOW WH4T COLOR YOUR BLOOD 1S 4NYW4Y >:] CG: NO YOU DON'T GC: YUP, 1 TOT4LLY DO CG: LIES, I'VE BEEN VERY CAREFUL. CG: NOT LIKE ALL YOU CLASSLESS SHITBAGS WHO SLOP YOUR BLOOD ALL OVER THE PLACE EVERY GODDAMN MINUTE LIKE IT'S SOME WEIRD FETISH. GC: 3RR GC: HM >:\ CG: WHAT GC: BL4R GC: HOLD ON CG: WHAT IS IT? GC: 1 S41D HOLD ON! SOM3T1M3S 1TS H4RD TO P1CK OUT TH3 L3TT3RS FROM TH3 HOLO PROJ3CT1ON GC: 1 N33D TO G3T 4 CLOS3R LOOK! CG: ARE YOU LICKING YOUR GLASSES AGAIN? CG: I HATE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT, IT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING. GC: NOMP, WH4TH WOULB EBER G1TH YOU TH4TH 1BE4??? GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3
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GC: TH4T 1S B3TT3R GC: 1TS MUCH 34S13R TO R34D YOUR COLOR TH1S W4Y GC: YOUR DR4B D1RTY P4V3M3NT GR4Y GC: ON TOP OF BR1GHT C4NDY R3D, L1K3 4 SH1NY LOLL1POP GC: DO3S TH4T SOUND F4M1L14R K4RK4T?? CG: YES, I'M EXTREMELY FAMILIAR WITH THIS SORT OF NONSENSE BY NOW, SURE. GC: NO 1 M34N GC: GR4Y ON R3D GC: L1K3 TH3 W4Y YOUR SK1N GC: CONC34LS YOUR BLOOD CG: WHAT GC: C4NDY C4NDY R3D! GC: L1K3 YOUR PL4N3T GC: YOU H4V3 STRONG CH3RRY COUGH SYRUP 1N YOUR V31NS! 1T 1S COMPL3T3LY D3L1C1OUS. CG: WHO TOLD YOU CG: DID JACK TELL YOU GC: NO H3 DO3SNT T4LK MUCH GC: 1 F1GUR3D 1T OUT MYS3LF CG: HOW GC: 1 GOT 4 CLOS3R LOOK GC: R3M3MB3R >:] CG: NO GC: PFFF YOU 4R3 PL4Y1NG SO DUMB, YOU KNOW 3X4CTLY WH4T 1 4M T4LK1NG 4BOUT CG: I CLEANED UP MY WOUND AND CHANGED MY SHIRT BEFORE I EVEN MET YOU, I'VE BEEN EXTREMELY CAREFUL. CG: SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FILL ME IN. GC: 1T W4S WH3N 1 GOT CLOS3 3NOUGH GC: TO SM3LL 1T UND3R YOUR SK1N GC: PL34S3 K4RK4T, DO NOT PR3T3ND TH4T YOU FORGOT 4BOUT OUR L1TTL3 MOM3NT CG: WHOA CG: YOU MEAN CG: DURING CG: FUCK. CG: OK SHHHHHHHHHH SHH SHH SHH... CG: LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT THIS, NOT HERE. GC: TH1S 1SNT 4 M3MO! GC: 1TS 4 PR1V4T3 CORR3SPOND3NC3 JUST B3TW33N US, R3M3MB3R? CG: I KNOW BUT CG: DAMMIT CG: WRITING ALL THESE MEMOS HAS MADE ME PARANOID. CG: IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL SECURE CHATTING ABOUT IT OVER THE CLIENT, I DUNNO. CG: WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT IN PERSON. GC: HOW "1N P3RSON" DO YOU M34N? GC: UH OH LOOK 4T MY 3Y3BROWS G3TT1NG C4RR13D 4W4Y H3R3 GC: >;] GC: > ;] GC: >;] GC: > ;] GC: >;] GC: > ;] GC: K4RK4T H3LP, TH3Y 4R3 OUT OF CONTROL!!! CG: THOSE ARE EYEBROWS? CG: I THOUGHT THEY WERE HORNS. GC: TH3Y 4R3 HORNS TOO GC: TH3Y 4R3 4R3 WH4T3V3R 1 W4NT TH3M TO B3 CG: ?:B GC: DONT CH4NG3 TH3 SUBJ3CT BY B31NG CUT3! CG: WELL APPARENTLY I JUST CAN'T FUCKING HELP MYSELF CAN I. GC: NOP3 CG: HOW CAN YOU EVEN SMELL SO DAMN WELL, ANYWAY. CG: YOU GIVE ME A HARD TIME ABOUT BEING COY ABOUT SHIT CG: BUT WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR CRAZY SENSES YOU'RE SO VAGUE, IT'S LIKE TRYING TO DECIPHER THE DAILY HOROSCOPE RIDDLE. CG: OR THE RIDDLES FOR ALL 48 SIGNS COMBINED. GC: 444RGH GC: YOU 4R3 4 R3L3NTL3SS SUBJ3CT CH4NG3R! >XO GC: F1N3, 1TS OK 1F YOU DONT W4NT TO T4LK 4BOUT 1T GC: GOD YOU 4R3 SOOOOO SHY FOR 4N 4NGRY GUY WHO W4NTS TO B3 4 B1GSHOT L34D3R, 1TS R1D1CULOUS CG: LOOK CG: WE'LL TALK CG: I PROMISE CG: WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY SOME STUFF ABOUT YOURSELF FOR A CHANGE CG: AND CUT ME SOME SLACK. GC: OK >:]
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GC: 1M SUR3 1 M3NT1ON3D 4FT3R YOU M3T MY SPR1T3 GC: 1 L34RN3D FROM H3R THROUGH MY DR34MS GC: B3FOR3 SH3 H4TCH3D! CG: YEAH, BUT IT'S STILL SO VAGUE. CG: THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT. CG: HOW ABOUT A STRAIGHT ANSWER? GC: OK, 1LL TRY GC: WH3N 1 W3NT BL1ND, TH4TS WH3N 1 F1RST WOK3 UP GC: 4ND MY LUSUS H3LP3D M3 W4K3 UP! GC: SORT OF CG: YOU MEAN ON PROSPIT'S MOON. GC: Y3S GC: BUT GC: 3XC3PT FOR 4 V3RY BR13F MOM3NT... GC: 1 W4S BL1ND 1N MY DR34MS TOO GC: TH3 DR34M S3LF 1M4G3 1 PROJ3CT C4N'T S33, B3C4US3 1 GU3SS D33P DOWN 1 DONT R34LLY W4NT TO CG: WHY IS THAT. CG: IS IT OUT OF SPITE TO VRISKA? CG: I KNOW I'D PROBABLY BE COOL WITH IT OUT OF SPITE MORE THAN ANYTHING. GC: NO GC: NOT TH4T TH3R3 W4SNT SOM3 S4T1SF4CT1ON 1N B31NG OK4Y W1TH 1T GC: GR4T3FUL 4BOUT 1T 3V3N! GC: 4ND M4K1NG SUR3 SH3 KN3W TH4T GC: BUT TH4TS NOT 1T GC: TH3 D4Y 1T H4PP3N3D W4S TH3 F1RST T1M3 1 3V3R H34RD FROM MY LUSUS GC: SH3 WOK3 M3 UP, 4ND 3V3R S1NC3 H4S B33N T34CH1NG M3 4 D1FF3R3NT W4Y TO S33 GC: 4 D1FF3R3NT W4Y TO P3RC31V3 3V3RYTH1NG 1 GU3SS, NOT JUST 1N 4 S3NSORY W4Y CG: OK, SO WHY DID YOU NEVER TELL ME ANY OF THIS? GC: YOU WOULDNT H4V3 GOTT3N 1T! GC: 3V3N NOW YOU ST1LL DONT R34LLY GC: YOU H4V3 NOT 3V3N S33N SK414 Y3T CG: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WAKE UP. GC: 1 DONT KNOW! GC: SOM3TH1NG D1FF3R3NT DO3S 1T FOR 3V3RYBODY CG: HOW MANY OF US ARE AWAKE NOW? CG: HOW MUCH OF THE FUTURE DID YOU "SEE" BEFORE WE STARTED CG: IN THE CLOUDS, LIKE KANAYA CG: ALSO HOW DID YOU GO BLIND ANYWAY??? CG: WHAT DID SHE DO TO YOU, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SO CAGEY ABOUT THAT. CG: I STILL DON'T SEE HOW SHE COULD BLIND YOU WITHOUT BEING ANYWHERE NEAR YOU. CG: OBVIOUSLY SHE CAN'T CONTROL YOU, SO WHAT GIVES? GC: K4RK4T SHUT UP! GC: GOD GC: HOW 4BOUT 1F GC: 1 T3LL YOU 4LL 4BOUT TH4T STUFF N3XT T1M3 W3 4R3 "1N P3RSON" >;] GC: 1N F4CT, 1 W1LL T3LL YOU WH3N YOU W4K3 UP! GC: UNT1L TH3N 1 W1LL K33P T4BS ON YOU 1N YOUR TOW3R WH1L3 YOU SL33P L1K3 4 L1TTL3 HON3Y P4J4M4'D PUP4 N3STL3D 1N H1S COCOON CG: WAIT LET ME GUESS. CG: DO I LOOK ADORABLE????????? GC: 4CTU4LLY GC: YOU LOOK K1ND OF L1K3 4 B1G P1L3 OF SM3LLY B4RF CG: WOW, WHAT THE FUCK. GC: OF COOOOUUUUURS3 YOU DO, DUMB4SS >:] CG: OH CG: THEN CG: GOOD I GUESS GC: OK 1V3 GOT TO FLY GC: DONT WORRY 4BOUT TH3 R1NG M1SS1ON GC: YOU C4N ST4Y BUSY W1TH R3G1SURP GC: 1 W1LL ORG4N1Z3 TH3 N3W M1SS1ON MYS3LF GC: L4T3R! CG: WAIT CG: TEREZI CG: PLEASE DON'T TELL THEM ABOUT MY BLOOD. CG: I WANT TO TELL THEM, I MEAN I WILL TELL THEM. CG: LATER CG: ONCE THEY RESPECT ME AS A LEADER. GC: OK GC: 1 W1LL K33P TH4T S3CR3T 1F YOU K33P TH1S ON3 1 T3LL YOU GC: WH1CH 1S TH4T GC: B3TW33N YOU 4ND M3 K4RK4T GC: 1 TH1NK TH3Y 4LR34DY DO GC: BY3! GC: <3 CG: BYE
Someone needs to grab the reins on timeline management here. These delinquents waste too much time. Can't seem to conduct their business with any efficiency at all.
Payback scenarios notwithstanding. There's always time to be made for a good comeuppance.
FAA 2:16 HOURS FROM NOW opened memo on board r0ad t0 the und0ing.
FAA: this private b0ard will and has already served as a l0g 0f past events f0r future selves t0 rec0rd and a guide 0f future events f0r past selves t0 f0ll0w FAA: i d0nt kn0w which half 0f its r0le has been 0r will be m0re imp0rtant FAA: p0ssibly neither is critical since deviati0n fr0m the c0urse is m0stly imp0ssible and reflecti0n 0n its traversal is c0mpletely irrelevant FAA: but im typing this anyway FAA: because im b0red again PAST apocalypseArisen [PAA] 601 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PAA: and here i was thinking we were finished taking 0rders fr0m v0ices! PAA: weve 0nly swapped the imperatives 0f the dead with th0se 0f 0ur future selves PAA: wh0 are als0 dead FAA: yes it seems that way PAA: 0h well it was an enj0yable reprieve fr0m fatalism while it lasted PAA: id nearly managed t0 sav0r it FAA: an err0r narr0wly av0ided then FAA: i think we sh0uld refrain fr0m dial0gue in this mem0 FAA: with0ut res0rting t0 bannings 0r absurd exchanges 0f self repudiati0n PAA: yeah i agree PAA: i just th0ught id interject that and g0 FAA: 0k
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FAA: we will and have already amassed an army t0 c0nfr0nt the black king FAA: an army c0nsisting 0f 0ur alternate future selves FAA: each 0ne rer0uted fr0m a d00med 0ffsh00t 0f the alpha timeline FAA: each given an0ther chance at a c0nstructive influence 0ver the ultimate 0utc0me FAA: by the way if y0u didnt kn0w already FAA: a future self returning t0 the past fr0m a d00med timeline will always be slated f0r imminent destructi0n herself FAA: its 0ne 0f the rules FAA: and the unf0rtunate reality is FAA: this will and has already been a mass suicide missi0n FAA: 0r it w0uld be FAA: and already w0uld have been FAA: if we all werent already dead FAA: 0_0
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FAA: m0bilizing 0urselves in such numbers w0uld be required t0 neutralize the kings psychic attacks FAA: it w0uld take 0ur c0mbined c0ncentrati0n t0 dampen the abilities he inherited fr0m glbg0lyb FAA: with0ut the cumulative eff0rt 0f 0ur d00med reserves FAA: with0ut the heightened mental and physical endurance 0f 0ur r0b0tic vessels FAA: with0ut the untimely demise we all shared bef0re this began FAA: vict0ry w0uld n0t be p0ssible FAA: he w0uld kill us all with 0ne dreadful s0und
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FAA: i d0nt kn0w if it was just bad luck FAA: 0r an extensi0n 0f the curse karkat insists he br0ught 0n us FAA: that lead t0 the incidental and unf0rtuit0us pr0t0typing 0f feferis p0werful lusus FAA: with0ut which the battle w0uld have p0sed little challenge FAA: i think FAA: it was m0re likely just an0ther inevitability FAA: a pr0duct 0f c0llusi0n between the disparate f0rces at play FAA: a bargain struck between what skaia kn0ws already and what the g0ds demand up fr0nt FAA: t0gether they 0rchestrate trials sufficient t0 ensure FAA: that in 0verc0ming them we w0uld be pr0ven w0rthy FAA: 0f inheriting FAA: ribbit FAA: wh00ps
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FAA: and s0 it w0uld be and has been already FAA: that while distracted by the c0mbined eff0rts 0f 0ur d00med legi0n FAA: the king w0uld be aggressed by the 0thers FAA: and even th0ugh each w0uld be well prepared FAA: perched 0n the highest rungs 0f their echeladders FAA: equipped with the best weap0nry grist c0uld build FAA: versed in the deadliest fraym0tifs b00nd0llars c0uld buy
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FAA: bef0re we w0uld be able t0 claim it FAA: we w0uld be interrupted FAA: by s0mething FAA: which w0uld be ushered int0 0ur sessi0n by a rift in parad0x space FAA: a rift which we w0uld determine FAA: will be 0pened by f0ur members 0f a fledgling species FAA: wh0 will be playing in an0ther sessi0n 0f the same game that we will and have already played
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FAA: their rift will lead t0 the great und0ing FAA: with0ut necessarily causing it FAA: n0t directly FAA: such rifts are themselves supp0sedly benign FAA: useful even FAA: they are catal0gued phen0mena within the game itself FAA: with a pr0vided means 0f creating them FAA: and a wide range 0f scenari0s f0r which it might be prudent t0 d0 s0 FAA: the incipisphere l0cals have a m0re f0rmal term f0r them FAA: they typically refer t0 such a rift as
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CAA: the direct effects 0f a scratch are limited t0 the sessi0n inv0king it CAA: we w0uld n0t experience 0r 0bserve th0se effects fr0m 0ur sessi0n CAA: but we w0uld experience the c0nsequences CAA: in the f0rm 0f that which prevented us fr0m claiming 0ur reward CAA: he wh0se hand w0uld be f0rced by the scratch CAA: t0 emerge fr0m hiding
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CAA: but there w0uld be n0 adequate way t0 prepare CAA: even with all the f0resight at 0ur disp0sal CAA: f0r a f0e m0re p0werful than the king we will and have already defeated CAA: f0r a dem0n wh0 is indestructible CAA: 0mnip0tent CAA: and enraged
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CAA: we w0uld return t0 the site 0f 0ur hatching CAA: s0 t0 speak CAA: where we w0uld hide CAA: amidst a veil depleted by the reck0ning CAA: and wait CAA: drifting in the wide 0rbit 0f 0ur s00n t0 be null sessi0n
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carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]
CG: ATTENTION WORTHLESS HUMAN. CG: THIS IS YOUR GOD SPEAKING. CG: IT IS A WRATHFUL GOD WHO DESPISES YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLY DARED TO FEAR. CG: I HAVE WATCHED YOUR ENTIRE PATHETIC LIFE UNFOLD. CG: I HAVE OBSERVED YOU WHILE YOU WOULD QUAKE AND TREMBLE IN PERSONAL PRAYERS OF SHAME. CG: WHILE YOU PLEADED FORGIVENESS FOR BEING SUCH A WRETCHED DISGUSTING FAILURE ON EVERY CONCEIVABLE LEVEL. CG: PROSTRATE BEFORE THE STUPID AND FALSE CLOWN GODS YOU HAVE SCRIBBLED ON THE WALLS OF YOUR BLOCK. CG: BOGUS DEITIES WORSHIPED BY A PRIMITIVE "PARADISE" PLANET. CG: BUT YOUR PRAYERS WILL NOT BE ANSWERED. CG: THERE ARE NO MIRACLES IN STORE FOR YOU, HUMAN. CG: ONLY MY HATE. CG: IT IS A HATE SO PURE AND HOT IT WOULD CONSUME YOUR SAD UNDERDEVELOPED HUMAN THINK PAN TO EVEN CONTEMPLATE. CG: IT IS A HATE THAT TO FATHOM MUST BE PUT INTO SONG. CG: SHRIEKED BY THE TEN THOUSAND ROWDY SHOUT SPHINCTERS PEPPERING THE GRUESOME UNDERBELLY OF THE MOST TRUCULENT GOD THE FURTHEST RING CAN MUSTER. CG: IT IS A HATE THAT MADE YOU AND WILL SURELY DESTROY YOU. CG: MY HATE IS THE LIFEBLOOD THAT PULSES THROUGH THE VEINS OF YOUR UNIVERSE. CG: IT IS MY GIFT TO YOU. CG: YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT. CG: YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT. EB: hi karkat! CG: WHAT CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME. EB: oh man. EB: this is it, isn't it? EB: i've been looking forward to this! CG: WHAT IS IT. CG: ME HATING YOU IS WHAT'S IT. CG: IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN, YEAH, BINGO. EB: no, i mean this is the first conversation between us, from your perspective. EB: right? CG: YEAH. CG: ARE YOU SUGGESTING WE'VE SPOKEN BEFORE. EB: yeah, lots of times! EB: actually... EB: i should introduce myself properly. EB: hi karkat, i am john! CG: JOHN, WHY WOULD I GIVE A PUNGENT WHIPPING LUMPSQUIRT WHAT YOUR NAME IS. EB: because we are buddies! CG: I ADMIT I AM NEW TO HUMAN SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS CG: BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE OUR RELATIONSHIP CAN OR WILL EVER BE DESCRIBED AS "EARTH HUMAN BUDDIES". EB: yup, we totally are. EB: we just became earth human buddies in a kind of weird way. EB: you decide to keep talking to me backwards through my adventure. EB: and then when you are done with that you come back and talk to me more recently on the timeline for a while. EB: you talk to my friends a whole bunch too. EB: you and your alternian troll buddies help me and my earth human buddies hatch a plan! EB: which we are busy putting into motion right now, as you can see. CG: THESE ARE LIES. CG: I KNOW WHEN I AM BEING TROLLED, WHO DO YOU EVEN THINK YOU ARE TALKING TO HERE. CG: I AM YOUR GOD, REMEMBER. EB: yeah yeah, i know. CG: WHY WOULD I TROLL YOU BACKWARDS? THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE. CG: AND WHY WOULD I HELP YOU AND YOUR IDIOT FRIENDS? CG: I WOULD JUST BE HELPING YOU BLUNDER DOWN THE PATH THAT ENDS WITH YOU OPENING THE RIFT LIKE A BUNCH OF MORONS. EB: you mean the scratch? CG: WHATEVER. EB: yes! that is the plan. EB: you yourself said it was the only hope now. CG: RIDICULOUS. CG: I DIDN'T WRIGGLE OUT OF A PUDDLE OF SLIME YESTERDAY. CG: THAT WAS SEVERAL WEEKS AGO, OK? EB: heheheh. CG: I DO NOT THINK YOU APPRECIATE THE GRAVITY OF MY ANTIPATHY, JOHN HUMAN. EB: egbert. CG: OK, HUMAN EGBERT. CG: I FUCKING LOATHE YOU, AND I HAVE TUNED INTO YOUR CHANNEL MOMENTS BEFORE THE ERADICATION OF YOUR TIMELINE AND THAT SMUG LOOK ON YOUR FACE, WITH JUST ENOUGH TIME FOR ME TO BASICALLY COMPLETELY FUCKING DESTROY YOU WITH HOSTILE RHETORIC. CG: THERE IS NO CHANCE I WILL EVER HELP YOU. CG: YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I HATE YOU OR WHY I HATE YOU. CG: I WASN'T JOKING WHEN I SAID I WAS YOUR GOD, LIKE THAT WASN'T JUST A LOT OF BRAVADO AND USELESS PISSING AROUND. CG: I AM LITERALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR EXISTENCE. CG: WE BEAT THE GAME YOU ARE PLAYING AND CREATED YOUR UNIVERSE. CG: WE WERE GOING TO ENTER YOUR UNIVERSE AND RULE OVER IT. CG: LIKE TYRANTS. CG: IT WAS TO BE OUR PLAYTHING, JOHN. CG: YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW SWEET IT WAS GOING TO BE. CG: BUT THEN WE COULDN'T CLAIM OUR PRIZE BECAUSE OF THAT MONSTROSITY YOU SPRUNG ON US. EB: man... EB: i knoooow. EB: none of this is news to me, karkat! EB: but to be quite honest, it doesn't sound like your intentions were all that great. EB: wanting to be tyrants and all. EB: maybe you got what you deserved, you stutid fuckass! CG: STUTID? CG: WOW, YOUR SPECIES REALLY IS BRAINDEAD. EB: eh, it's an in-joke, never mind. EB: anyway, hey! EB: i thought this was supposed to be the conversation where you do all that AMAAAAAZING TROLLING! EB: come on bro, flame me! EB: i have been really excited about this. CG: YOU ACTUALLY WANT ME TO TROLL YOU? CG: I MEAN CG: DON'T WORRY, I CAN AND I WILL, AND IT WILL BE A GODDAMN BLOODBATH WHEN I GET STARTED. CG: IT'S JUST KIND OF WEIRD YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT IT, IS THAT NORMAL FOR YOUR RACE? EB: um... EB: i don't know, probably not. EB: i just think it's kind of funny when you do it. CG: THAT'S REALLY CONDESCENDING AND IT'S HARD TO CONVEY HOW MUCH MORE I JUST GOT PISSED OFF THAN I ALREADY WAS. CG: BUT MAYBE IT MAKES SENSE ACTUALLY CG: THAT YOU WELCOME MY ACRIMONY SO READILY CG: ON ACCOUNT OF PROBABLY SOME WEIRD GLAND HUMANS HAVE, LIKE A PUNISHMENT THROBBER OR SOME SILLY SOUNDING THING LIKE THAT. CG: IT MIGHT MEAN THAT I'M RIGHT ABOUT YOU. EB: right about what? CG: I MEAN THAT IT SEEMS LIKE WE ARE CONNECTED IN SOME WAY, DON'T YOU THINK JOHN. CG: SORT OF COSMICALLY. CG: LIKE OUR HATE FOR EACH OTHER IS SO STRONG IT MUST HAVE BEEN WRITTEN IN THE STARS. CG: YOU KNOW, THE ONES I FUCKING MADE FOR YOU. EB: ha ha, i don't hate you! CG: HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY CLAIM TO HAVE TALKED TO ME A LOT ALREADY AND NOT HATE ME, SEE IT DOESN'T ADD UP. EB: wait... EB: are you saying that we are kisme-whatevers? CG: WHAT, NO. CG: WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR, THAT WOULD BE SUCH A BRAZEN SOLICITATION. CG: IT'S INSULTING. CG: I MEAN CG: OK I'M NOT SAYING I'M RULING OUT THE IDEA OR ANYTHING. CG: LIKE IF LATER OVER TIME YOU STARTED REALLY HATING ME MORE CG: LIKE REALLY GOT TO KNOW ME AND FOUND OUT ABOUT HOW MUCH THERE WAS TO HATE EB: er... CG: BUT... IN THE PAST I GUESS? I'M JUST SAYING WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAPPEN. CG: OR HAS ALREADY HAPPENED. EB: uh. CG: FUCK WHAT AM I BABBLING ABOUT. CG: THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS, WE JUST MET FOR FUCK'S SAKE. CG: AND IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE EVER GOING TO MEET IN PERSON, SO IT'S ALL A MOOT POINT. CG: SO FORGET I SAID ANYTHING. CG: GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. EB: well... EB: i just didn't really have any idea that you had any sort of feelings like that, so i am kind of caught off guard. CG: WHAT FEELINGS, THERE ARE NO FEELINGS, END OF DISCUSSION. EB: hey, i don't have a problem with your weird sort of alien hate-love thing! EB: it is just that, uh... CG: WHAT EB: i am not a homosexual. CG: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? EB: it is like, when a boy likes another boy. EB: or i guess hates, in this case. CG: HUMANS HAVE A WORD FOR THAT? EB: yes. CG: HOW IS THAT EVEN A THING? EB: shrug. it just is. CG: HUMAN ROMANCE SURE IS WEIRD. EB: i am just as confused by your troll shenanigans. EB: so many shenanigans! EB: anyway, i kind of got the impression that you and terezi were a thing. CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN A THING. EB: like, i dunno. EB: going on weird fight dates and beating the crap out of each other, and being in hate-love or love-hate. EB: isn't that how it works? CG: YOU ARE SUCH AN IGNORAMUS I COULD SHIT MILES OF RAGE SNAKE TO CHOKE YOU TO DEATH. EB: ew. CG: WHO HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO, WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THAT. EB: um, i talked to you... EB: and her... EB: and some others. i don't know! like i said it's just a sense i got. EB: sorry! CG: OK FIRST OF ALL, IF THERE WERE A "THING" WITH HER, AND THAT'S A HUGE IF CG: IT WOULD BE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT QUADRANT THAN WHAT WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT. EB: oh god, the quadrants... CG: SECOND, WHETHER SHE AND I HAVE A THING OR DON'T HAVE A THING, OR TOOK A ROMANTIC HOT AIR BALLOON RIDE SUSPENDED IN A GODDAMN FILIAL PAIL TOGETHER CG: IT'S DEFINITELY NONE OF YOUR FUCKING EARTH BUSINESS, EGBERT HUMAN JOHN. CG: GOT IT???????? EB: ok, sheesh! EB: karkat, i am going to be honest... EB: this first conversation is not going how i thought it would at all! EB: it is really kind of... EB: awkward. CG: YEAH CG: WOW, IT IS EB: yeah... CG: HUH. EB: well... EB: um... CG: OK, LOOK. CG: LET'S JUST AGREE TO NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN. CG: THE STUFF I WAS BABBLING ABOUT EARLIER. EB: yeah, well we never really talked about it in the past, so i guess we do agree to that. CG: BUT IF I TALK TO YOU AGAIN CG: IN YOUR FUTURE, LIMITED THOUGH IT IS CG: YOU'LL REMEMBER MY EMBARRASSING SHIT CG: SO I GUESS CG: I'LL HAVE TO TROLL YOU BACKWARDS? EB: told you bro!!!!!!! EB: hahahaha. CG: YOU REALLY ARE A SMUG NOOK WHIFFER, JOHN EGBERT. CG: I THINK WE NEED TO GET BACK ON POINT HERE. CG: WHICH IS ADDRESSING THE MATTER OF WHAT INCOMPREHENSIBLY PUTRID GARBAGE YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE AND HOW MUCH I HATE YOU. EB: you mean platonic hate? CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP, WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THAT, REMEMBER. EB: oh yeah. CG: SO YOU WANTED TO GET TROLLED, WELL YOU GOT IT. CG: PREPARE TO GET YOUR PUNY HUMAN BULGE FLAMED INTO NUCLEAR HATEBLIVION. CG: WELCOME TO THE TROLLOCAUST. THE PAINSTAKING GENOCIDE OF YOUR FRAGILE SELF ESTEEM WILL BE MY SWAN SONG. EB: oh boy, this sounds great. EB: but... EB: we're out of time! EB: i have to go put this plan into motion. CG: OH I SEE, TAKING THE COWARD'S WAY OUT. CG: SCAMPERING OFF TO GET ANNIHILATED BY A DEADLY RIFT, HOW CONVENIENT. CG: WELL FINE, SAYONARA YOU WORTHLESS CROTCHSTAINED BARFPUPPET. CG: I WILL BID YOU ONE FIRST AND FINAL FUCK YOU. CG: FUCK YOU, JOHN EGBERT. CG: FUCK YOU AND FUCK THE JOKE BOOK YOU RODE IN ON. CG: FUCK. CG: FUCKING. CG: YOU. EB: :D EB: see you soon! CG: WAIT CG: WHAT
|PESTERLOG|
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN.
CGC: WH4T DO YOU GUYS TH1NK 4BOUT K4RK4TS N3W PL4N CGC: TO TROLL TH3S3 K1DS CGC: P3RSON4LLY 1 TH1NK H3 H4S F1N4LLY SN4PP3D 4ND 1T DO3SNT M4K3 4NY S3NS3 CGC: 1 F1GUR3D M4YB3 W3 COULD T4LK 4BOUT 1T H3R3 1N S3CR3T WH1L3 H3 ST4NDS OV3R TH3R3 M4K1NG H1S BOR1NG 1NSP1R4T1ON4L SP33CH CGC: 1M PR3TTY SUR3 H3S STOPP3D BOTH3R1NG TO 1NV4D3 P4RTYTOWN, H3 H4S L34RN3D H1S L3SSON >:] CGC: OBV1OUSLY TH1S 1S JUST FOR US H3R3 1N TH3 PR3S3NT TO R3M4RK ON CGC: 1F YOU 4R3 FROM TH3 P4ST 4ND 4R3 CUR1OUS 4BOUT TH1S 4ND W4NT TO S4Y SOM3TH1NG YOU W1LL NOT B3 B4NN3D 4S 1S TH3 G3N3R4L RUL3 H3R3 CGC: BUT 1 W1LL POL1T3LY 4SK YOU TO K33P YOUR 1NT3RJ3CT1ONS TO 4 M1N1MUM! CGC: 1 W1LL H4V3 ORD3R 1N TH1S RUMPUSBLOCK >:D PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 7 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG: YOU THINK I STOPPED KEEPING TABS ON YOUR VAPID, SEDITIOUS BULLSHIT??? PCG: THINK A FUCKING GAIN. CGC banned PCG from responding to memo.
CGC: TH3 TOP1C 1S NOW OP3N FOR 4RGUM3NT4T1ON CGC: *H3R TYR4NNY Y13LDS TH3 FLOOR W1TH 4 M1GHTY B4NG OF H3R G4V3L* CGC: B4NG B4NG B4NG! CGC: THR33 M1GHTY B4NGS CGC: WH4T DO YOU H4V3 TO SUBM1T ON TH3 SUBJ3CT OF K4RK4TS T3NUOUS GR1P ON TH3 T4TT3R3D R3M41NS OF H1S S4N1TY, COUNS3LOR N3P3T4? CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAC: :33 < *the especially impurrtant pouncellor looks really serious and thoughtful as she scoots her chair out from under the official courty looking table and begins to pace around thoughtfurry* CAC: :33 < *she doesnt understand why CAC: :33 < i dont understand why we are doing this! CAC: :33 < what was the point again? CGC: 3XC3LL3NT QU3ST1ON M1SS POUNC3LLOR PAST carcinoGeneticist 2 [PCG2] 5 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG2: ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED. PCG2: I CAN PLAINLY SEE YOU ARE GOING TO START WRITING THIS MEMO IN FIVE MINUTES. PCG2: ALL I HAVE TO DO IS GO MAKE MY "BOR1NG 1NSP1R4T1ON4L SP33CH" AND THEN WALK OVER TO YOUR COMPUTER AND START FUCKING WITH YOU. PCG2: GO AHEAD, BAN ME ALL YOU WANT. CGC banned PCG2 from responding to memo.
CGC: *H3R TYR4NNY 3XPR3SS3S D1SD41NFUL Y3T 4UTHOR4T1V3 1NT3R3ST 1N OTH3R OP1N1ONS ON TH3 STUP1D3ST PL4N 3V3R CONC31V3D* CGC: 4NY THOUGHTS? CAC: :33 < i dont s33 why karkat has to always be banned from these memos! CAC: :33 < what if he promises to behave himself? CGC: W3 H4V3 B33N OV3R TH1S >:[ CAC: :33 < what if i talk to him in the past and told him he could post here as long as he was not purrticularly disagr33able? CAC: :33 < thats a good idea! brb CGC: OH GOD! PAST carcinoGeneticist 3 [PCG3] 10 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG3: THANK YOU NEPETA, FOR ALERTING ME TO THE PRESENCE OF YET MORE OF THIS TAWDRY ROLEPLAY-INFESTED CLOAK AND DAGGER RUBBISH. PCG3: HOW VERY INTERESTING. CGC: *H3R TYR4NNY F4C3 P4LMS 1N 4 R34LLY D1GN1F13D 4ND 1NT1M1D4T1NGLY JUD1C14L M4NN3R* CGC banned PCG3 from responding to memo.
CGC: *TH3 D1ST1NGU1SH3D POUNC3LLOR R3C31V3S 4 HUNDR3D B1LL1ON RUMPUS D3M3R1TS FOR 1NV1T1NG UNCOUTH R4BBL3 1NTO H3R ORD3RLY BLOCK* CAC: :33 < :(( CURRENT twinArmageddons [CTA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTA: ii already told KK what ii thought about thii2 awful iidea. CTA: iit ju2t make2 NO 2en2e, you can count me out. CTA: you all can troll the2e iincompetent aliien2 all you want, iit won't change anythiing. CTA: ii'll ju2t be over here waiitiing two diie wiith diigniity, ok well maybe iit'2 two late for that, but ju2t diie ii gue22, and y'all can 2uck iit biitche2. CGC: TH3 M4G1STR4T3 FROM TH3 D3L1C1OUS 4PPL3B3RRY JUR1SD1CT1ON M4K3S 4N 3XC3LL3NT PO1NT 4BOUT TH3 OV3R4LL SH1TT1N3SS OF TH3 PROPOS1T1ON CGC: 4ND 4BOUT M4N4G1NG TO B3 4N 3V3N GRUMP13R P41N 1N TH3 4SS TH4N OUR F34RL3SS L34D3R SOM3HOW CTA: ii don't get why you're RP'iing about thii2, iit doe2n't make 2en2e, you're all out of your fuckiing 2ponge2. CTA: why don't you ju2t u2e our name2. CGC: >:O CGC banned CTA from responding to memo.
CGC unbanned CTA from responding to memo.
CGC: OK SORRY 4BOUT TH4T CGC: THOLLLLUUUUUUXXXXTHHHH CGC: TH3R3 4R3 YOU H4PPY CTA: whatever. PAST carcinoGeneticist 4 [PCG4] 4 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG4: YOU BASTARD, IS IT REALLY SO MUCH TO ASK TO TAKE A FEW TOOLS OUT BEHIND THE GRUBSHED. PCG4: ALL I'M ASKING YOU TO DO IS HASSLE SOME ALIENS, GOD. PCG4: AFTER ALL THOSE TIMES I SAVED YOUR LIFE YOU THINK YOU COULD DO ME ONE LITTLE SOLID. CTA: yeah after you got me kiilled iin the fiir2t place. PCG4: HOW CAN YOU THROW THAT IN MY FACE AGAIN, I THOUGHT WE WERE COOL. CTA: ii 2aiid whatever. CGC: UUUGH CGC banned PCG4 from responding to memo.
CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAA: i will n0t be participating CAA ceased responding to memo.
PAST carcinoGeneticist 5 [PCG5] 3 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG5: OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW. PCG5: THAT'S IT GUYS, THE PLAN IS CANCELED. PCG5: ARADIA ISN'T GOING TO MOPE AT THESE LOSERS FOR US, THE WHOLE PLAN HINGED ON THAT. CGC banned PCG5 from responding to memo.
CURRENT cuttlefishCuller [CCC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCC: I still don't quite understand t)(e plan eit)(er. CCC: I mean, I don't really mind talking to t)(em! It could be fun and t)(ey look interesting. CCC: But I really don't t)(ink t)(is is all t)(eir fault. CCC: Can't we say nice t)(ings to t)(em instead of troll t)(em? CCC: Maybe even )(-ELP t)(em! 38) PAST carcinoGeneticist 6 [PCG6] 2 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG6: NO, FUCK. PCG6: YOU CAN'T BE NICE TO THEM. PCG6: YOU ARE COMPLETELY MISSING THE GLUBBING POINT, FISH PRINCESS. CGC banned PCG6 from responding to memo.
PAST carcinoGeneticist 7 [PCG7] 2 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG7: HEY TEREZI I'M ABOUT TO MAKE THIS AWESOME SPEECH AND INSPIRE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU GUYS. PCG7: WHEN I'M DONE I'M COMING OVER TO YOUR STATION AND THEN YOUR ASS IS MINE. PCG7: ENJOY THIS GARBAGE DUMP OF A MEMO WHILE IT LASTS. CGC: BL444444R >XO CGC banned PCG7 from responding to memo.
CGC: TH1S 1S WHY W3 C4NT H4V3 N1C3 TH1NGS CGC: 1M T3MPT3D TO CLOS3 TH1S M3MO NOW >:\ CGC: 1F 4NYON3 H4S 4NYTH1NG TO S4Y S4Y 1T QU1CK! PAST carcinoGeneticist 8 [PCG8] 2 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
CGC banned PCG8 from responding to memo.
CGC: NOT YOU PAST terminallyCapricious [PTC] 420 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PTC: YeAh iM NoT FoLlOwInG ThIs mOtHeRfUcKiN PlAn uP At aLl PTC: wHo aRe wE TrOlLiNg CGC: G4MZ33 TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON 1S T4K1NG PL4C3 W33KS 1N TH3 FUTUR3 CGC: 1T DO3S NOT CONC3RN YOU! PTC: oH PTC: WeLl mOtHeR FuCk i gUeSs CGC: DONT WORRY 4BOUT 1T >:P CGC: JUST SCROLL 4ROUND 4ND LOOK FOR ON3 OF TH3 RRPT OP3N CH4T M3MOS PTC: oKaY PTC: HoNk :o) CGC: LKSD;GDKNLN CGC: ASDM SDFSFD9W30 CGC: DFD; CGC: GH CGC: EUHFHSDKLNVSDJKLSJKBSDJKF PTC: wHoA CGC: K4RK4T IS M4SHING MY K3YBOSDVFDNFLBLGBGSDGFSB['A CGC: AKJFA CGC: SEUFHWEUIONDN CGC: AUIHDF CGC: SDSAD CGC: 4444UGH H3 1S SUCH 4 L1TTL3SDKJGBSDJKBG CGC banned herself from responding to memo.
CGC unbanned herself from responding to memo.
CGC banned herself from responding to memo.
CGC unbanned herself from responding to memo.
CGC banned herself from responding to memo.
CGC unbanned herself from responding to memo.
CGC: FUUUUUUUUCK!!!!! CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCG: OH NOW WHAT'S UP??????????? CGC: GOD D4MM1T H3 LOGG3D ON TO MY COMPURO3IHHGRNVNFSDKS'SD CGC: 4ND H3S ST1LL M4SH1NG M3!!! >:[ CGC: SDKLFSDK FHS CGC: YUGUFY CGC: G3T OFF!!!!!!!!!SFBSDJB CGC banned herself from responding to memo.
CGC unbanned herself from responding to memo.
CGC banned herself from responding to memo.
CGC unbanned herself from responding to memo.
CCG: WHY ARE YOU BANNING YOURSELF TEREZI???? CCG: PRETTY FUCKING MENTAL IF YOU ASK ME. CCG: REALLY FUCKED UP OF YOFDIHFNGNJKGLJS CCG: ASKJSKF89UG CCG: YDRHHGH CCG: WEFOWEGWLKNGNIOV CCG: SDIJS CCG banned himself from responding to memo.
CCG unbanned himself from responding to memo.
CGC banned CCG from responding to memo.
CCG unbanned himself from responding to memo.
CCG banned CGC from responding to memo.
CGC unbanned herself from responding to memo.
CGC banned herself from responding to memo.
CGC unbanned herself from responding to memo.
CCG banned CGC from responding to memo.
CCG unbanned CGC from responding to memo.
CGC banned CCG from responding to memo.
CGC unbanned CCG from responding to memo.
CCG banned himself from responding to memo.
CGC banned herself from responding to memo.
CGC unbanned herself from responding to memo.
CCG unbanned himself from responding to memo.
CCG: OK QUIT THADJKNFSDK CCG: FUCK OW GOD DAMFFJKSNFBGB CCG: OW!!!!! FUCKALKLKDNJJV CGC: 1 4M GO1NG TO SH4RP3N YOUR STUP1D LOOK1NG NUBBY HORNS 1N YOUR SL33P!!! CGC: TH3N TH4TS WH4T W1LL B3 UP, BY3 BY3 NUBS CCG: WHY DON'T YOU JUST FILE THEM ALL THE WAY DOWN. CCG: SINCE YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF WAYS TO EMASCULATE ME IN FRONT OF MY TEAM. CGC: W1LL YOU G1V3 YOUR BOR1NG L34D3R COMPL3X 4 R3ST FOR ONC3 CGC: 1TS G3TT1NG SO OLD! CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! CAG: You are 8oth ridiculous. CCG: HEY VRISKA, YOU'RE DOWN WITH MY TROLLING PLAN. CCG: WHY DON'T YOU TELL EVERYONE IN RAINBOW ASSGRAB JUNCTION WHAT A GREAT IDEA IT IS. CAG: I'm 8usy. CCG: WHAT THE FUCK COULD YOU BE BUSY WITH??? CAG: I'm making my own plans! I'm a pretty 8ig deal, remem8er Karkat? CGC: 1T LOOKS L1K3 YOU FORGOT HOW M4NY 1RONS SH3 H4S 1N TH3 F1R3 CAG: Exactly! CCG: WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT GOING ALONG WITH MY SIMPLE PLAN TO SERVE A FEW PINK SKINNED DOUCHE BAGS A PIPING HOT NUTRITION PLATEAU FULL OF FUCK YOU. CGC: M4YB3 W3 W1LL BUT W3 4LL JUST K1ND OF W4NT TO DO OUR OWN TH1NG! CCG: THERE IS A WORD FOR THAT, IT IS CALLED GROSS INSUBORDINATION. CGC: TH4TS TWO WORDS R3T4RD >:P CAG: Do you guys realize you are sharing a key8oard and taking turns to argue with each other? CAG: That is kind of cute. ::::) CTA: yeah ii hate to 2ay iit, but iit really 2ort of ii2. CCG: OK FUCK THIS. CCG: EVERYONE IS OFFICIALLY BANNED FROM THIS TRAIN WRECK. CCG banned CAG from responding to memo.
CCG banned PTC from responding to memo.
CCG banned CCC from responding to memo.
CCG banned CAA from responding to memo.
CCG banned CTA from responding to memo.
CCG banned CAC from responding to memo.
CCG banned CGC from responding to memo.
CCG unbanned CGC from responding to memo.
CCG: YOU C4N'T B4N M3 FROM MY OWN M3MO! CCG: WHOOPS >:[ CGC: YOU C4N'T B4N M3 FROM MY OWN M3MO! CGC: LOOKS LIKE I JUST DID. CGC: SHIT. D:B CCG: LOOKS LIKE I JUST DID. CGC: F1N3 1 W1LL JUST SHUT TH3 M3MO DOWN CGC: SO YOU W1LL G3T TH3 H3LL OUT OF H3R3! CCG: FINE, I'M GONE. CCG banned himself from responding to memo.
CGC: UUUUUUUUUUUGH FUTURE gallowsCalibrator [FGC] 6:12 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGC: H3Y! CGC: OH H3Y! FGC: 1 JUST THOUGHT 1 WOULD 4DD ON3 L4ST R3M4RK TO TH1S S1LL1N3SS FGC: 4 R3M4RK OF R34SSUR4NC3! CGC: OHH >:? FGC: Y3S, YOU SHOULD TROLL TH3 HUM4NS FGC: 1T W1LL B3 FUN >:] CGC: W3LL, W3 BOTH KNOW TH4T 1 W4S PL4NN1NG TO 4NYW4Y FGC: OF COURS3! 1 TRUST YOUR JUDGM3NT ON TH3 M4TT3R FGC: JUST H3R3 TO S4Y YOU WONT R3GR3T 1T CGC: TH4T 1S N1C3 TO KNOW! CGC: 1 TRUST YOUR JUDGM3NT 4S W3LL FGC: Y3S! FGC: 4NOTH3R TR1UMPH OF SOUND JUDGM3NT 4ND GOOD T1M3S FOR T34M PYROP3 4ND TH3 LOY4L SUBSCR1B3RS OF R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN CGC: HOOR4Y! >:D FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 6:12 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: I'M GOING TO BE FUCKING SICK. CGC banned FCG from responding to memo.
|PESTERLOG|
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]
AG: Joooooooo AG: oooooooo AG: oooooooo AG: oooooooo AG: oooooooo AG: oooooooo AG: oooooooo AG: oooooooohn! AG: W8ke up!!!!!!!! EB: heheh. i am pronouncing that like a really long "june". EB: that is so many o's. AG: It is 8ight groups of 8ight. I specifically counted them. AG: It's sort of a thing I do. EB: you typed my name in 64 bit. AG: Wow. What a nerd! EB: have i talked to you before? AG: Um, possi8ly? This is the first time I have contacted you that I am aware of. EB: i'm pretty sure i remember you. you hassled me a long time ago. EB: i think you threatened to kill me at some point. AG: John, give me a 8r8k! That was o8viously just my way of getting to know you. AG: Or it will 8e, whenever I get around to it. EB: well, yeah, i know that about you guys by now. EB: but also i know that it is probably not exactly an empty threat! EB: since one of you already managed to trick me into getting myself killed. EB: well, in another timeline at least. AG: Man. AG: That was pro8a8ly Terezi! I should have known she would pull something like that. What a meddler. EB: terezi? AG: Yes. The pesky 8lind troll who licks her monitor and smells words and stuff. The one who got you killed. I'm sure of it! EB: huh. it never really occurred to me to ask what your names are. EB: kinda rude of me! EB: what is yours? AG: Marquise Spinneret Mindfang. ::::) EB: man, that sounds so made up! EB: but if you say so, marquise. AG: Spinneret! Marquise is a title, stupid. EB: oh, ok. AG: And you don't have to worry a8out me manipul8ting you to your death! AG: It is completely 8eneath me. Unlike her, I plan on taking the high road. AG: You see John, you and I actually have some things in common, 8ut you couldn't possi8ly understand why yet. AG: So I'm planning on helping you! EB: ok, i will be sure to let my guard down. EB: psyche!!!!!!!!! EB: oh damn, that was 9 !'s. EB: !!!!!!!1 EB: shit! EB: never mind. AG: Hahahahahahahaha. EB: anyway, nice meeting you spinneret. EB: if you don't mind, i would like to try to go back to sleep. EB: i was dreaming about something important. AG: You can't sleep now, John! AG: What a8out J8de???????? EB: oh god, i forgot! EB: poor jade... :( EB: i hope she is alright. AG: She's fine. I can see her right now! AG: 8ut she will not 8e for long if you don't get her into your session. EB: yeah, you're right. EB: i have to hurry and go save her! EB: see ya! AG: Wait!!!!!!!! AG: Where the hell do you think you're going to go? You don't even have your copy of the game yet! EB: oh yeah... EB: duh, stupid stupid dumb. EB: do you know where i am supposed to get it? AG: Easy! Just w8 around for a few minutes. EB: hmm... EB: ok? AG: See, John? You need me to advance. AG: Even though you were going to do this stuff anyway, it turns out I am the reason you were going to do it anyway in the first place! AG: Your timeline is my we8, and suddenly you are all tangled up in it, wriggling and helpless. AG: Isn't that cooooooool???????? EB: meh. EB: so, you seem to like 8's a whole bunch, and i guess you are like, kind of spidery themed or something? AG: Yeah! EB: haha, spiders are gross! AG: Fuck you!!!!!!!!
|PESTERLOG|
EB: jade is not answering! EB: are you sure she's ok? AG: She's asleep! AG: She sure seems to sleep a lot. She sort of reminds me of my goo8er teamm8. AG: He napped through most of the adventure, and was practically useless. EB: oh... EB: you mean carcino geneticist? AG: Hahahaha, no way! Karkat is so up tight, he hardly slept a wink over the whole 600 hour span of our quest. AG: He didn't even wake up on the moon until AFTER we won the game, hahahahahahahaha. AG: What a loser. EB: heheh. car cat. that is how i am saying that. EB: beep beep, meow! EB: i will have to remember to give him a hard time about that. AG: John, you are pretty weird! I can see why you would piss him off so much. EB: it is really not hard to do that. AG: Tell me a8out it! AG: Speaking of telling me a8out things... AG: Why don't you tell me what you were just dreaming a8out that was so important, fellow Prospit dreamer???????? AG: Prospit is the 8est. Derse is where all the rejects hang out. Am I right? EB: i never even saw prospit. EB: aside from flaming bits and pieces of it i guess. EB: something happened, and it blew up, and dream jade died, and then i was wandering around this place that was like a chess board with a huge crater in it, with loads of dead black and white guys everywhere. AG: Yes, I know all that! That place is the 8attlefield, which is where your dream self lives now. You will appear there any time you go to sleep. AG: Prospit dreamers are supposed to end up there eventually. If they're any good, that is. ::::) AG: 8ut you got there so much sooner. Normally a dreamer's journey to the 8attlefield will not 8e so spectacularly sudden and violent. Meteoric, if you will! EB: oh, huh. AG: 8ut you didn't answer my question! What was so important that you wanted to go 8ack to sleep again for? EB: my dad was there. AG: What's that? EB: um, you know... EB: my guardian? AG: Oh, you mean the adult male human who lived in your hive? EB: yes. if by hive you mean house. AG: Haha, I was wondering a8out that. I was like, what the hell is this guy doing in this kid's hive? Where is his lusus? Is he an orphan contending with some sort of meddlesome grownup squatter???????? EB: um... EB: these observations are very alien of you. EB: but that's pretty cool i guess, seeing as you are an alien. AG: Yes, I just chalked it up as generic alien weirdness and didn't think too much a8out it. Just another series of strange exhi8its from an inferior civiliz8tion. EB: the funny thing is, he is not even really my dad. EB: i mean, i was adopted by him, although we are not actually unrelated, i think. EB: he is the son of my grandmother, who isn't really my grandmother... EB: nanna is sort of like my biological mother, and my biological father would be jade's grandpa, sorta. EB: both of which i just created, with slime and stuff, and sent back in time as babies. EB: so i guess, if anything, that makes my dad... EB: my half brother??? AG: ::::\ EB: tell me about it!
|PESTERLOG|
AG: W8! 8efore you wander too far off course like a doofus, you need to know how to get to a return node! AG: So you can get 8ack to your computer. Here, hang on, I am making you a map. EB: but i know where i'm going! EB: terezi already made me a map. AG: What!!!!!!!! EB: first she made a really crappy one, then a really nice one that works kind of like google. EB: she started helping me after she tried to kill me. AG: Ugh. She is still trying to one up me I see. Even preempting my awesome helpfulness! AG: When did she do that? I mean from my perspective? Do you think she already did it, or hasn't done it yet? EB: wow, how could i possibly know that! AG: I don't know. Forget it. AG: I will show her though. I will show her the meaning of helpfulness. AG: I will help this little human nerd under the ta8le. The very same ta8le you dined at, while I w8ted on you prong and fucking nu8. EB: you mean like a candle light hate date? AG: God, no!!!!!!!! With a human? Gross. EB: oh... EB: well then, thanks, i guess? EB: why do you want to be so helpful, anyway? EB: i mean, with her i got the sense she was being kind of jokestery about it, which is something i can understand. EB: but why bother helping, if we aren't going to win anyway? AG: You won't win? Says who????????? EB: you guys. EB: it is practically all you ever say. AG: Well, ok yes, you are screwed. And so are we. AG: 8ut so what! AG: Just 8ecause you are going to fail doesn't mean it won't 8e any fun along the way! AG: 8y the looks of things, you have a very exciting 24 hours ahead of you. AG: It'll 8e one hell of a reckoning!
|PESTERLOG|
EB: that is nice to know. AG: Yes, and 8esides. Continuing on this path and 8ringing Jade into the game I think you will agree is very important! AG: And not just 8ecause she is your friend and you would 8e kind of upset if she died. AG: Again. EB: yes, i think i would be. EB: but why else? AG: 8ecause you need to complete your prototyping chain! AG: Only when all players have entered with a prototyped kernel does the 8attlefield assume its final form. AG: That form prepares Skaia to grow the new universe you will cre8te. AG: Or in this case, fail to cre8te. 8ut whatever! AG: That is no reason to deter you from completing worthwhile game o8jectives. EB: we are supposed to create a universe? AG: Yeah! You didn't realize that yet? EB: no! AG: 8oy. How clueless can you get. EB: why are we supposed to do that? AG: What a stupid question! It is the point of the game. It's what happens when you win, and winning is the only point of anything. EB: oh. that's true, i guess. AG: Anyway, you should 8e glad it's the point. And you should 8e glad your predecessors were not such a sad sack group of players like you guys. AG: Otherwise your universe would not exist, seeing as we cre8ted it 8y 8eing incredi8le in every way. EB: you did? AG: Yep. You're welcome. ::::D EB: hmm... EB: i don't know what to think about that. AG: Not knowing what to think a8out things appears to 8e your specialty! EB: hurrrrr oh man what a burn! EB: (j/k it was actually lame.) AG: ::::P EB: well to be honest, i never really believed any of your guys's doom and gloom nonsense. EB: not because i think you are lying... EB: i just feel like there must still be a way to win! AG: That's the spirit, John! AG: That is a winner's attitude, and there is always hope for someone who has that. EB: yes, i agree. EB: also, there is always hope for someone who has good friends to count on! AG: Pff. AG: Laaaaaaaame.
|PESTERLOG|
AG: John, why are you standing around wasting time???????? EB: um, i don't know. you can see my future, can't you? EB: how much time am i wasting? AG: Enough to make me wonder what the hell your deal is! EB: then i would venture to guess i am wasting time because you chose to pester me just now! AG: Dammit, John. AG: Stop sounding smarter than me. It is un8ecoming of someone so inferior. EB: i mean, i was just pausing for a moment... EB: to look at my trashed movie posters. EB: they bring back memories, of a life that i guess is long gone now. EB: but you probably know what that is all about. AG: Yeah, I know. EB: it wasn't even that long ago, but it already seems like forever since i was on earth! EB: it was a pretty nice place, i bet you would have liked it. AG: It seems a little too sunny for my liking. EB: well, what about you? do you miss your planet, and your parents and such? AG: The life I left 8ehind wasn't so hot, to 8e honest. EB: oh. that's too bad. AG: Why don't we not talk a8out that! AG: What are these movies, anyway? They look just awful. EB: but you see, that is where you are wrong. these films are the finest earth has to offer! AG: Are they a8out clowns? EB: no, no. i drew those clowns in my sleep, for some reason. AG: ::::| EB: this one here is so great. it is about this street tough renegade who did hard time behind bars, and wants nothing more in the world than to reunite with his loving wife and daughter. but not so fast! he has to go on crazy and dangerous escapades through the sky with a motley assortment of rogues led by john malkovich, who is wise to cage's heroic nature and pure heart. they tether a grumpy police man's awesome car to the plane and smash it, and then later they crash into some casinos. cage gets out of the wreckage and hugs his family, and i usually tear up a little. EB: that is my working troll title for the movie, i hope it was ok. AG: John, even though your title is quite amusing and pro8a8ly kind of cute, that movie sounds hilariously 8ad! EB: yeah, well you are hilariously WRONG! EB: here, hang on, i will show you. EB: http://tinyurl.com/hullohumminburr EB: oh, but you will probably have to use your troll thingy to rewind time or whatever, to before the earth internet blew up so you can watch it. AG: Is this like the Earth equivalent of Gru8tu8e or something? EB: i guess?? AG: Man. I am not watching this shitty video. It looks so 8ad! EB: ok, suit yourself. EB: but there it is, in case you are ever hankering after some incredible movie magic. AG: Ok, I will 8e sure 8ookmark it and la8el it "dum8 kid's retarded nonsense." EB: ok, good idea. AG: 8y the way! Why aren't you using your computer glasses to talk suddenly???????? AG: This device seems less efficient, and doesn't look as cool!
|PESTERLOG|
EB: oh, the goggles are cool and all, but they kind of restrict my vision stupidly when i'm using them! EB: i should remember to make a new hands-free device, that is less obtrusive. EB: maybe after i make a new computer so i can install this game. AG: How will you duplic8 it? Isn't it smashed out there on your lawnring? EB: yeah, but i can use one of my old previously punched cards. AG: Oh, gr8. AG: Uh........ AG: John? EB: what? AG: Ok, I will slide you a 8r8k 8ecause clearly your 8lock was just ransacked. AG: 8ut may8e you want to put that away? Somewhere discreet, where you usually keep it? AG: There is at least one girl spying on you right now, you know. EB: put what away? what are you talking about? AG: Your pail is showing, stupid!!!!!!!!
|PESTERLOG|
EB: my pail? EB: you mean this bucket here? AG: Yes! Come on, will you take a hint and show some decorum???????? EB: umm... EB: i'm really not following. what do you have against buckets? AG: Man! Nothing, really. It's just........ AG: Ok, may8e humans don't really have any sense of shame over this sort of thing? EB: shame over what? EB: it's just a bucket! you know, for putting soapy water in and cleaning stuff with. EB: why, what do trolls use them for? AG: Oh. AG: Haha, yeah, of course! AG: That's what I was talking a8out. Your cleaning 8ucket. AG: In troll culture we consider cleaning products to 8e really indecent or something! AG: I am 8lushing furiously a8out it right now. Please try to 8e sensitive to my cultural ways and understandings. EB: wow... uh. that is definitely pretty odd. EB: but ok, i'm sorry you saw my bucket. i will just chuck it out the window i guess. AG: Thank you, John. That is very gentlemanly of you. AG: Now will you quit shitting around and get on with it!!!!!!!! God. EB: well i was GOING to but you started babbling at me! EB: jeez, spinneret. AG: That isn't my real name, you dope! EB: ok, then what is it! AG: I ain't telling you that! AG: It's a sekret. :::;) EB: *ROLLS EYES* EB: all eight gross spidery eyes! EB: oops i mean !x8. AG: You don't even need to say that. I can see you rolling your eyes, remem8er? EB: oh yeah.
What a surprise, more lousy imps having their way with the place. You wonder where nanna could be. Someone needs to get this motley assortment of rogues under control.
|PESTERLOG|
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --
EB: hey rose! TT: Hi. EB: how are you doing? i don't even remember the last time we talked. EB: i have been so busy. EB: and it looks like you have been too. EB: i mean, hopy shit! EB: my house is HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE! TT: Actually, building up your house has been one of the more trivial ways I've passed the time. TT: Great swaths of the structure may be copied and pasted with little architectural consideration. TT: I've only bothered to do so while in contemplation. TT: It's relaxing. EB: oh. EB: well, it must have cost a fortune! TT: We have a lot of grist. EB: how much? TT: I don't recall any hard figures off hand. TT: Last I checked, more than a million units of several different types. TT: Torrented between the three of us. EB: torrented? TT: Shared, through an application. TT: I unlocked the disc from your registry, and deployed it. TT: I convinced your nanna to install it on your computer. TT: Before an imp threw it out the window, that is. EB: you got her to do that? but she's an old lady! also, a ghost. TT: My methods of persuasion have been improving. EB: also, she is really tricky, and plays lots of pranks. EB: did she try to prank you? TT: No. EB: huh. EB: i guess you enjoyed the prankster's gambit on that exchange then. TT: ? EB: oh yeah... EB: what's up with the alchemiter? EB: it looks weird. TT: Upgrades. EB: did you get nanna to do that too? TT: No, your consorts were utilized for that. EB: the salamanders?? TT: Yes. They seem eager to receive simple instruction. TT: I'm guessing they find their way back to your house to allow the client player to remain productive while the server player is away. EB: they aren't very smart... TT: No, they aren't. EB: i'm surprised they even understand what to do. TT: Like I said. TT: Coercion hasn't been much of a problem. EB: yeah... EB: uh... EB: what exactly does that mean? EB: what have you been doing this whole time??? TT: Why don't you tell me what you've been up to first? TT: I've been curious, but too preoccupied to inquire. EB: well, EB: i have been talking to a lot of trolls, for one thing. EB: they sure are a talkative bunch! TT: I've noticed. EB: and then i cloned some slime babies in the veil. TT: Did you? EB: yes. um... EB: ok, long story short is, jade is my slime clone sister, and dave is your slime clone brother, and we were all born today! TT: Yes. EB: yes? TT: I figured that out. EB: oh. TT: Anything else? EB: umm... EB: then i fell asleep, and woke up on the battlefield. EB: oh! EB: rose, i am fairly sure i saw your mom! TT: You did? TT: Are you sure it was her? EB: well, it was a nice and proper looking lady, with a pink scarf, so... EB: i dunno, who else would that be! TT: That was likely her. TT: How was she? EB: fine, i guess... EB: she was with my dad. TT: That's interesting. EB: yeah! TT: Did she seem happy? EB: happy? EB: wow, i dunno. EB: i don't really know her well enough to say, i guess? EB: plus, i was a little distracted. EB: maybe i will find out next time i go to sleep. TT: Fair enough. EB: now stop being so spookily mysterious and tell me what you've been doing! TT: Investigating, mostly. EB: investigating what? TT: Everything there is to investigate. TT: Information hidden in the lore of our lands, concealed in ruins and riddles. TT: I'm looking for whatever there is to discover about the game, and more importantly, whatever exceeds its boundaries. TT: The cloaked traces of myth beyond its scope. EB: its scope? EB: oh, rose, did you know that we are supposed to be creating a universe with this game? TT: Yes. EB: i think that's pretty neat! TT: It is, in principle. TT: But it won't happen. EB: so you believe the trolls then? TT: It's not a matter of believing them. TT: The writing is on the wall. Literally. EB: it is? TT: This session was never meant to bear fruit. TT: It's barren, so to speak. EB: that's a bit of a bummer! EB: i am still skeptical about that, though. TT: That's why you're our leader, John. EB: huh? TT: Optimism through stalwart skepticism is a defect not everyone is lucky enough to be cursed with. EB: that's stupid. EB: i'm not your leader, i am your FRIEND, there is a BIG difference! TT: Statements like that are also why you're our leader. EB: pff. EB: laaaaaaaame. TT: Yes, kind of. EB: so, if you're sure that we are going to fail... EB: what is the point of everything we're doing? TT: Simple. TT: The objective is no longer to win. EB: um... EB: i mean, what are we actually shooting for here? TT: To do as much damage to the game as possible. TT: To rip its stitches and pry answers from the seams. TT: We will snatch purpose from the jaws of futility. TT: Are you ready to wreak some havoc, John? EB: i suddenly don't understand anything.
|PESTERLOG|
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
GA: Okay This Will Probably Strike You As An Odd Moment For Me To Mention This GA: But Actually GA: There Are Not Many Moments Ive Observed On Your Timeline Which Wouldnt Qualify As Odd GA: And Somehow GA: Your Idle Moments Seem To Invite Interruption The Least GA: And This Is A Difficult Topic For Me To Broach GA: For Reasons That You Probably Wont Understand TT: You're rambling again, Kanaya. GA: Okay Sorry GA: Ive Just Been Meaning To Say GA: That I Read Your Instructional Guide
|PESTERLOG|
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
GA: Your Speech Was Really GA: Emotional CG: OK I DEFINITELY DON'T NEED YOU BUSTING MY BULGE ABOUT THE SPEECH NOW. CG: I'VE TAKEN ENOUGH SHIT. I GOT A LITTLE WORKED UP OK? CG: AND IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, WHY DON'T YOU COME SAY IT TO MY FACE. CG: I'M FED UP WITH THESE BACK DOOR NOOKBITING SHENANIGANS. GA: I Dont Mean To Critique Your Speech GA: I Just Wanted To Ask You Something In Confidence GA: About The Humans CG: OK, WHAT IS IT? GA: Are You Sure Theyre Responsible For Our Misfortune CG: YES. THERE IS NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. GA: Was It On Account Of Malice Or Incompetence CG: I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE BOTH? CG: WHY DOES IT MATTER. GA: It Sort Of Does GA: Im Not Even That Sure Why GA: This Is A Difficult Topic For Me To Broach GA: For Reasons That You Probably Wont Understand CG: GOD DAMMIT. CG: NO MORE MYSTERIES, PLEASE. CG: YOU'D THINK WE'D HAD OUR FILL OF THEM BY NOW. CG: IF I HAVE TO SOLVE ONE MORE RIDDLE, I'M GOING TO... CG: I DON'T KNOW. GA: Will Your Response Involve An Athletic Maneuver Of Some Sort CG: NO CG: ABSOLUTELY NOT. CG: I WILL JUST GO OVER THERE AND WEEP GENTLY IN THE HORN PILE. CG: SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS THIS ABOUT? GA: Um CG: WHAT I CAN TELL YOU IS CG: THEY ARE ALL LUDICROUSLY INCOMPETENT. CG: SOFT, PINK FRAGILE THINGS WHO DO NOTHING BUT WASTE TIME. CG: THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE HORNS! GA: What GA: Really CG: YEAH, I WAS LIKE, WHOA DID THEY GET FILED DOWN OR SOMETHING CG: BUT NO IT TURNS OUT THAT'S JUST HOW THEY ARE. GA: Weird CG: THEY'RE A MISERABLE POINTLESS CROP OF LIFEFORMS FROM A MEANINGLESS BORING PUSTULE OF A PLANET. CG: IT'S INFURIATING THEY WERE SOMEHOW ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY INFLUENCE OVER US. GA: It Is Pretty Disheartening GA: But GA: You Are Absolutely Sure They Are All Failures GA: And That They Have No Chance Of Succeeding CG: YEP. CG: IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE. GA: Im Not Sure Which Depresses Me More GA: The Sabotage Of Our Session Or The Futility Of Theirs CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. CG: YOU'RE BEING REALLY WEIRD ABOUT THIS. GA: Well I Havent Asked What I Wanted To Ask CG: THEN ASK!!! GA: Its About TentacleTherapist CG: YEAH. THAT'S THE ROSE HUMAN. CG: SHE'S APPARENTLY PRETTY SARCASTIC. CG: IT'S IN MY NOTES. GA: You Have Notes On Them CG: YES. GA: I Guess GA: Thats Why Youre Our Leader Karkat CG: NO, I'M YOUR LEADER BECAUSE OF MY INCREDIBLE TACTICAL SKILLS AND MY ABILITY TO MOBILIZE AND MOTIVATE A BUNCH OF USELESS PEOPLE TOWARD A COMMON GOAL, AND BECAUSE I'M EXTREMELY AMBITIOUS AND INTREPID. ALSO BECAUSE LEADERSHIP IS IN MY BLOOD. WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS. GA: Statements Like That Are Also Why Youre Our Leader CG: OK, I'LL ACCEPT THAT. GA: Have You Talked To Her CG: WHO GA: The Rose Human GA: Also GA: Do We Really Have To Say Things Like The Rose Human CG: OF COURSE WE DO. CG: IT SOUNDS SUITABLY DISDAINFUL. CG: I MEAN, IF A BUNCH OF ALIENS STARTED HASSLING YOU, YOU WOULD EXPECT THEM TO ACT REALLY HIGH AND MIGHTY, AND SUPERIOR IN EVERY WAY, RIGHT?. CG: WHICH WE ARE, OF COURSE. GA: Uh Okay CG: AND NO, I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HER. CG: I WILL PROBABLY STEER CLEAR OF HER FOR THE MOST PART. CG: I HAVE MY SIGHTS SET ON THE JOHN HUMAN, AND PROBABLY ALSO THE JADE HUMAN, SHE'S A HUGE CULPRIT TOO. GA: It Just GA: Feels Really Silly When We Say Things Like The John Human In Confidence Amongst Ourselves CG: WE HAVE TO COMMIT TO THIS. STAY IN CHARACTER, YOU KNOW? CG: REMEMBER THE SPEECH. GA: The Speech Has Become Emblazoned On My Think Pan GA: Virtually Ensconced In The Fold Of My Personal Mythology CG: DID YOU WANT TO TROLL HER? ARE YOU VOLUNTEERING? CG: BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE GREAT, I'D REALLY APPRECIATE THAT. GA: I Dont Know GA: Im Not Sure If Ive Got It In Me Right Now CG: COME ON. YOU'LL BE GREAT AT IT. CG: PLEASE JUST DO THIS ONE THING FOR ME. WE'VE GOT TO STAY COORDINATED ON THIS. CG: TOO MANY OF THESE FUCKS ARE GOING ROGUE. CG: LIKE WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING. GA: Fine CG: GREAT! THANKS KANAYA. CG: I'LL EXPECT A FULL REPORT SOON. GA: A Report About What CG: LIKE CG: HOW HASSLED YOU GOT HER TO BE CG: BUT LESS STUPID SOUNDING THAN THAT. GA: Is There A Metric For That Concept CG: NO CG: WELL THERE COULD BE CG: WE CAN GAUGE YOUR RESULTS WITH THE "FLIGHTY BROADS AND THEIR SNARKY HORSESHITOMETER". GA: That Seems Just As Disparaging To Me As It Is To Her CG: YEAH WELL CG: USE IT AS MOTIVATION CG: I GOTTA GET CRACKING HERE, LATER.
You begin trolling the Rose human, even though you aren't really feeling this at all.
You can't seem to figure out how to get the viewport feature to work. You muddle through the FIRST CONVERSATION blind.
She does not prove to be the intellectual adversary you anticipated. But this is no longer all that surprising, now knowing the true fate of her team.
Nethertheless, you manage to find yourself vehemently fondling the short end of the antagonism stick. The FLIGHTY BROADS AND THEIR SNARKY HORSESHITOMETER ticks a few notches in her favor. Your aggravation and curiosity are simultaneously piqued. You wish you could get a look at her.
This is boring. Where's the challenge in teasing a mentally retarded alien girl? Her stupid walkthrough was probably plagiarized from another more advanced civilization or something.
Maybe bothering her friends will be more interesting.
|PESTERLOG|
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT]
GA: Hello GT: hi...? GA: Allow Me To Make This Simple GA: I Am A Troll From Another Universe Using A Chat Client Utility Which Is Capable Of Contacting You And Your Friends At Any Point Of Your Lives Which I Choose Up To And Including The Moment Of Your Own Incompetence Fueled Self Destruction GA: Im Looking For Evidence Of Intelligence In Your Species GA: A Reason GA: Any Reason At All Really GA: To Justify Wasting The Few Precious Remaining Moments Of My Life On You GA: It Has Fallen On Your Shoulders To Supply Me With That Reason John Human GA: Go GT: ha ha, what? GA: What Indeed GA: I Was Just Leaving GT: so you're a time traveler? GA: No GA: We Dont Actually Travel Through GA: Uh GA: Well GA: Not All Of Us Do GA: One Of Us Does Though GA: Thats Not What We Are Talking About Here And Is Aside From The Point GT: so let me see if i have this straight... GT: you are a time traveling space alien from the future, sent here to study humans? GA: No GT: are you from mars? is it a mission of peace? GA: No John You Werent Listening GT: what does your time machine look like? a phone booth? phone booths are a popular thing for some reason. GA: Damn It GT: were you lured to earth by a huge gyroscopey thing that jodie foster piloted in contact, while matthew mcconaughey sort of acted as her spiritual guide i guess... GA: What The Hell GT: and then he kind of preached to her about having faith instead of believing in the sciences so hard all the time, and i guess in the end she believed him, maybe? GT: actually, im not even sure what the point of mcconaughey was in that movie. but he was still awesome. GT: and then jodie found her dad on an alien planet... but i think he was a ghost or something? or maybe an alien in disguise. GT: and then she went home and nobody believed her, but you just KNOW mcconaughey believed her. GT: because he had all the faith. and i mean ALL OF IT. GT: anyway, does that have any applicability to your cosmic interstellar astrojourney? GA: Okay Youre Even Dumber Than The Rose Human Thats Incredible Really GT: pff, i know i'm dumber than rose, that is not much of a burn, dude! GA: Im A Girl Not A Boy GT: oh, sorry. GT: i don't know why i thought you were. GA: It Happens GT: were you trolling rose too? GT: TIME TRAVEL TROLLING??? GA: Yes As A Matter Of Fact GT: oh boy, let me go put on my quantum space hat, and extra terrestrial adventure boots, and you can tell me all about it. GA: If You Werent So Stupid Id Suspect You Were Being Insincere For The Benefit Of Your Amusement GT: ha ha ha. i don't follow! GA: I Just Spoke To Her In The Future GA: Shes An Imbecile And Conveying How Much I Dislike Her At This Point Presents An Overwhelming Gauntlet Of Personal Expression GA: But Regardless She Said To Paste Something From Our Conversation GA: To Get You To Understand Whats Going On GA: I Have Strong Doubts It Will Be Effective But Here Goes GA: GA: I Should Figure Out How The Viewport Feature Of This Application Works GA: GA: So I Can See What Such A Primitive Creature Looks Like GA: TT: haha, well i know what you guys look like. GA: TT: you look kind of like... GA: TT: howie mandel from little monsters. GA: TT: even though, to be perfectly frank, he was kind of a big monster. GA: TT: because he was a big goofy adult. GA: TT: and fred savage was like his child prankster sidekick. GA: GA: Is This An Adversary You Have Encountered On Your Quest GA: TT: no, it's a movie. GA: TT: you should ask john about it, because he thinks it's awesome, which it is. GT: hahaha! oh man, you blew it! GT: now i know for sure you're trolling me. rose hates that movie. GA: Are You Suggesting GA: I Was Being Trolled GA: That It Was A Charade Meant To Make Me Look Foolish GT: possibly! i know that sure didn't sound like her. GT: but i think it's more likely that you made it all up cause you know i like that movie. GT: so i tip my cap to you, well played miss troll! GA: Now Im Wondering If You Might Be Trolling Me As Well GT: ok well, just between you and me... GT: SOMEONE here is getting trolled. GT: and it just might be all three of us. GA: Okay GT: but you shoulda told me you liked little monsters! GT: we could jam about that. what was your favorite part? GA: Suspicions Pitching Once Again Toward The Conclusion That You Are Just Very Stupid GT: i really want to get a little monsters poster, but they're hard to find! GT: i asked my dad for one for christmas. fingers crossed! GA: Im Guessing Thats The Human Equivalent Of 12th Perigees Eve GA: Will Your Adult Human Custodian Forage For Leavings As Ours Do GT: yup, that sure keeps sounding alien of you. GT: keep up the good work! GT: listen, i'm kind of busy, i have to wrap this present and mail it in a hurry. GT: so i'm going to block you! GT: but i might unblock you again soon, because you're kinda cool. GA: Your Blocks Mean Nothing But Dont Worry You Wont Hear From Me Again GT: yeah well... GT: you might just hear from me! GT: also, you should give rose another chance. GT: she is really great! whatever she did, she was probably just pulling her mind games on you, it's all in fun. GT: there is more to her than that, you'll see. GT: bye!
You feel pretty good about your effort. It was a measured balance of barbs and condescension. Your leader will be pleased with the report.
And yet...
It seems the John human was right. This is not the same Rose human you dealt with before. She has been toying with you all along. Oh, the curiosity. How it persists. The maddening, maddening curiosity.
Your arbitrating gauge decides on a draw. Snark reaped and sown in equal distribution.
You can only assume this is a somewhat typical way for human relationships to blossom. It seems friendship for some humans is a basic aggregation of shallow and insincere hostilities. Human friendship sure is complicated.
You skip ahead to a point on her timeline when you suspect friendship may plausibly have been established already. You have your THIRD CONVERSATION. It does not go as well as you'd hoped.
Your FOURTH, FIFTH, AND SIXTH CONVERSATIONS don't fare much better. This friendship is stalling fast. What are you doing wrong?
You are now getting your ass handed to you on a silver nutrition plateau. You are in serious need of a ploy to turn the tables in this duel of snarky one-upsmanship.
Lalonde has finally been outmaneuvered. The horseshitometer is lopsided in your favor. And most delightfully of all, this fiendish ploy has ensured that all previous snarkticks against you have been rendered completely irrelevant. It turns out they were just a consequence of your future design all along.
You cannot hope to beat Kanaya Maryam in a snark-off. She is simply the best there is.
You scan her timeline for the right moment to sync up both your sides of the dialogue. Ideally she will have long since discarded her train of thought.
You will finally reap the spoils of all your careful subterfuge. You will reap them good.
|PESTERLOG|
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
GA: What GA: The Hell GA: Did You Just Do TT: Hi there. GA: You Actually Did It GA: Blew It Up I Mean GA: I Had Begun To Believe That Was Embellishment TT: This is it, isn't it? GA: What Is It TT: This is the eighth conversation between us, from your perspective. TT: As well as mine. GA: Yeah TT: I've been looking forward to this. GA: Really TT: Yes. TT: I have some questions for you.
You make a new COSBYTOP so you can do some serious computing on the go. You barely got a chance to mess around with the first one you made before it was pilfered by a scurrilous imp. Ok it was actually a sylladex mishap but whatever.
Remember how that happened? That didn't stop being a thing that happened or anything.
|PESTERLOG|
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]
AG: What. AG: The hell........ AG: Are you doing!!!!!!!! EB: oh hey. AG: John, stop kissing that adult 8rown male human computer at once. EB: but... EB: it is bill cosby. EB: he's back. EB: in laptop form. AG: Man. It is just another waste of time. AG: Everything you do is a huge waste. AG: A stupid pointless 8unch of w8stey w8stey w8stes. EB: excuse me, but spending just a little quality time with my man bill here is not a w8stey w8ste at all. EB: no amount of 8's in words will make that true. AG: You have important things to do! AG: Remem8er Jade???????? EB: of course i do! jeez! EB: ok, i'm going.
|PESTERLOG|
AG: Noooooooo!!!!!!!! AG: XXXXO EB: what?!?!?! AG: What the fuck are you doing now! EB: i am going to blast off and fly a little higher, to see if i can find nanna up there! EB: and then i will install the game. EB: it will only take a second! AG: No, that's not what I mean! AG: I know that's what you're going to do. AG: You're just not supposed to do it now! AG: You are supposed to do something else first. And then fly up. It's right here on your timeline. 8y attempting to do the thing you're not supposed to do yet, you are just wasting more of our time!!!!!!!! EB: jeez!!! EB: you are incredibly bossy. EB: more like marquise bossyfangs. AG: I told you, that's my role playing name, not my real one! So your weak 8urn means nothing. EB: no, you did not tell me that you like to play troll dungeons and dragons. AG: Oh, yes John. I am really going to know what that stupid Earth game is, just 8ecause you put troll in front of it. Stupid. EB: i will find out what your name is, i am tricky and i have ways. AG: Pffffffff, dou8t it. AG: Now shut up and do what you are going to do next! EB: i don't know what i'm going to do next! EB: apparently what i thought i was going to do next was wrong, so why don't you tell me? AG: 8ecause. AG: That's ridiculous! AG: That would 8e a ridiculous way for us to do things. EB: has it occurred to you that i might be wasting so much time because you keep pestering me telling me how much time i'm wasting? EB: and then when i'm about to make progress you tell me i am doing the wrong thing! EB: if it weren't for you i would be playing this game already. AG: Okaaaaaaaay, shut up! AG: Fine. I will hold your hand every step of the way, since that's apparently how you want to do this. EB: but it isn't! AG: I said shut up! AG: Look, you are a8out to make yourself a new outfit, and THEN you will fly up and install the game. EB: oh... EB: but why would i do that? my ecto labsuit is rad! AG: 8ecause you look like an idiot! EB: :( AG: Seriously, it's a good thing I did decide to 8other you now. Otherwise you would go through the game looking like a little weenie 8oy-Skylark. EB: what is a boy skylark? AG: It is the most terri8le, gutless class for wimpy losers, ones who have no idea how to handle themselves when a girl talks to them and stuff. EB: actually, i think i remember passing that rung on my echeladder a while ago. AG: Yes, exactly! It is 8eneath you, John. AG: You are clearly much 8etter than that. You should dress like it. EB: who cares what i dress like? it is what's inside the adventurer that counts. AG: Hahahahahahahaha! AG: I watched you actually say that with a str8 f8ce. Oh my god. EB: why are you taking such an interest in my fashion, anyway? AG: Trolls are an extremely fashion-minded race, John. You should make a note of this, since you pretend to 8e a scientist or something. EB: ha ha, it sounds like you have a really lame culture. AG: John, that is an outr8geous thing to say. You don't even know how important the fashions are, so 8e quiet. EB: laaaaaaaame. AG: Look at that! You counted out 8 a's for me, John! That is so thoughtful of you. EB: oh, ha ha... EB: i didn't even count. it just... EB: turned out like that. AG: Really???????? EB: yeah. AG: <33333333 EB: er... EB: ok, anyway, i will make a new suit, but i am not ditching my ectosuit!!! EB: it is so sweet, i look like link, if zelda was a quest about an elf scientist. EB: i am the wind waker. it's me. AG: I know you are, John. AG: Now empty out your sylladex and let's see what sort of killer gear we can make for you. 8ut do it fast!
|PESTERLOG|
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
GA: Okay This Will Probably Strike You As An Odd Moment For Me To Mention This GA: But Actually GA: There Are Not Many Moments Ive Observed On Your Timeline Which Wouldnt Qualify As Odd GA: And Somehow GA: Your Idle Moments Seem To Invite Interruption The Least GA: And This Is A Difficult Topic For Me To Broach GA: For Reasons That You Probably Wont Understand TT: You're rambling again, Kanaya. GA: Okay Sorry GA: Ive Just Been Meaning To Say GA: That I Read Your Instructional Guide
|PESTERLOG|
TT: Oh? GA: Yeah TT: Sorry to hear you were subjected to that. GA: Why TT: It was a little melodramatic in retrospect. Heavy-handed. TT: But now it's stuck on that server forever, broadcasting the notes of very confused girl sifting through the aftermath of just another pedestrian apocalypse somewhere in paradox space. TT: Have you ever written a message you regretted instantly upon sending? GA: Lately GA: Almost Perpetually TT: That line included? GA: Wow Yeah Kind Of GA: Also GA: That One TT: I'm sure you must regard the walkthrough as pretty quaint. TT: As a veteran of the game. GA: Actually GA: At The Time Of Reading It Lent Some Useful Insight GA: Into The Nature Of The Game I Hadnt Yet Considered GA: And GA: The Author I Guess TT: At the time? TT: When exactly did you read it? GA: Uh GA: By The Way GA: What Are You Doing Here GA: Is This Part Of Your Ongoing Investigation
|PESTERLOG|
TT: Yes. GA: Are These Tactics Really Necessary TT: It's faster this way. TT: If there's one thing you and your friends regularly remind us, it's that time is not on our side. GA: I Know GA: But I Thought Our Methods Earlier Were Effective GA: In Illuminating The Underpinnings Of The Game GA: You Ask Some Questions GA: And I Answer GA: If I Can TT: Yes, that has been effective. TT: But you don't know everything, do you? GA: No TT: My current strategy is comprehensive. TT: Your notes have been helpful, but the facts you've supplied are being cross-referenced with understandings I already have, and data gathered by the sort of means presently on display. TT: I still have more questions for you, which I will ask in time. GA: Okay GA: But These Means Presently On Display GA: Are Making Me A Little Nervous GA: I Think Its Kind Of A Reckless Use Of TT: Of what? GA: These Forces TT: Dark magic, you mean? GA: Yes GA: Well GA: Influence By The Gods From The Furthest Ring GA: The Communion You Seem To Have Developed With Them I Find Kind Of Troubling TT: I don't think they are as nefarious as you might imagine. TT: Many of them seem to be intent on helping us. GA: How Exactly Do You Know That TT: From their whispers in my dreams. GA: How Much Time Have You Really Spent Sleeping GA: Since You Began Playing TT: Not much. TT: But quite a lot in a failed timeline. TT: And now and then, memories surface from that alternate reality. TT: Vague memories, but unmistakable in familiarity, like spontaneously remembering a dream from years ago by some inexplicable catalyst. TT: In that reality, they spoke to me in my sleep and told me much of what I needed to know. TT: Including what to do to reset our timeline and create the present reality. GA: That Makes Me No Less Nervous GA: Our Understanding Is That Influence From Doomed Timelines GA: Though Seemingly Necessary To Advance In The Alpha Reality GA: Is Generally Inauspicious GA: Travelers From Such Branches Are Marked For Death GA: And Though It Was Only An Insubstantial Part Of You Which Traveled GA: Just Memories I Suppose GA: Its Still Troubling TT: I have assurances I'm on the right track. TT: Surely you must have spoken to the gods by now. TT: What did they tell you to make you so suspicious? GA: Actually GA: I Havent GA: I Have Never Visited Derse Or Traveled Beyond The Veil GA: Prospits Moon Was My Home GA: For Most Of My Dreaming Life TT: It was? GA: Yes TT: This surprises me. GA: Why TT: ... TT: Good question. GA: Skaia Was Always The Foil For My Curiosity GA: But It Only Showed Me What I Needed To See GA: It Very Much Had The Presence Of Something Sentient GA: And GA: Benevolent GA: But Silent GA: Not Something To Converse With Or Be Instructed By GA: Or Anything With An Agenda Beyond Which It Knows To Be Manifest Already GA: Like A Very Clear Mirror GA: That Has Everything There Is To See Inside It GA: But Only Some Things Are Visible At Any Given Moment GA: I Always Trusted It GA: And I Dont Trust Gods That Would Eschew Its Light TT: You didn't actually answer my question. TT: When was it exactly that you read my walkthrough?
|PESTERLOG|
GA: Oh GA: A While Ago TT: Before you first contacted me? GA: I Have To Confess That GA: Ive Been Experiencing Something Like GA: Impression Whiplash GA: Since That Time TT: What do you mean? GA: At First I Thought You Were Foolish And Incompetent TT: My apologies for whatever misstep I may have taken to dispel that impression. TT: It was an honest mistake, I swear. GA: You See Thats What Im Talking About GA: That Was A Very Snarky Remark That Happened Just Now GA: Stratified By Your Signature Varieties Of Insincerity Which Cut Through The Literal Meaning Of The Statement Like Colorful Ribbons GA: And The Net Intent Is Something Maddening To Try To Know GA: Its Meaning I Think Exists At The Inscrutable Nexus Of Semantic Space Where Humor Chafes Against Soft Malice GA: A Place Perhaps The Human Mind Occupies More Comfortably I Dont Know GA: Xenopsychology Isnt My Strong Suit GA: Or Even A Real Word TT: ... GA: Uh Yeah I Know Im Babbling Again GA: The Point Is Its Not The Type Of Behavior A Very Stupid Person Can Perpetrate GA: And So My Impression Has Thrashed Around From Conversation To Conversation GA: And Now GA: Rather Than Suspecting You Of Incompetence GA: I Have Begun To Fear Just The Opposite GA: I Think You Might Be Dangerous TT: To whom? GA: Maybe Not Knowing That Is What Really Bothers Me GA: Why Dont You Put The Turtle Ruins Down GA: And Return To Your House GA: I Have Sketched Some New Outfits For You That I Think Are Nice GA: We Could Try To Make Them GA: It Will Be Fun TT: You seem to have taken quite an interest in my wardrobe decisions. TT: Are all trolls so fashion-minded? GA: Urrgh No GA: Sadly TT: Maybe later. GA: What If There Isnt A Later TT: Well, we already know there won't be. TT: That's nothing new. GA: I Mean GA: There Not Being A Later Might Happen Sooner Than You Think TT: Wow, what? GA: I Mean GA: For You Specifically GA: Okay GA: This Was Something Else I Wanted To Say GA: Or Ask About GA: But Im Afraid My Asking Might Play A Role In The Outcome GA: And I Dont Know If I Want That
|PESTERLOG|
TT: The outcome will happen one way or another. TT: Whether you have something to do with it or not. TT: You might as well ask me. TT: At least when it happens, you'll understand what it is that's happening. TT: And just maybe, if we're really lucky, so will I. GA: Um TT: I have a question for you too. TT: Let's swap ignorance, ok? GA: Alright GA: I Cant See You In The Future GA: The Viewport Wont Let Me After A Certain Point GA: Its Black GA: But Only For You GA: Not The Others TT: When? GA: Several Hours From Now GA: Do You Know Why This Could Be TT: I have no idea. TT: I can't see the future. TT: I'm a disreputable Derse Dreamer, remember? TT: But I promise that if I have a hand in it, it won't be because you told me. TT: Does that make you feel better? GA: Sort Of GA: But It Remains Ominous TT: Is that why you want to dissuade me from my admittedly zealous investigation to go play dress-up again? TT: Because our time here is almost up? TT: And you hope what's on the other side of the dark curtain for me is not some sort of corruption or damnation? GA: Also Sort Of TT: That's thoughtful of you. TT: To strive to pacify me as I scuffle down this black corridor. GA: Wait GA: Is That What Im Doing TT: Is it? GA: On Second Thought GA: Thats Not What I Want To Do TT: Oh. TT: That's a pity. TT: Who will make sure my soul isn't forfeit in service of gods then? GA: Well GA: I Hope That Doesnt Happen GA: But Id Rather Not Get Stuck In That Kind Of Pattern Again GA: So If You Want To Wreck Turtle Villages And Tear Your Planet Apart On The Counsel Of Dark Gods GA: Fine With Me I Guess TT: What do you mean, "again?" GA: Ur GA: Ill Do The Thing You Do When You Dont Say Anything GA: "..." TT: One simple word can so easily begin a story in a very thick book. TT: But I guess we won't open this one? GA: What Was Your Question GA: I Believe Youre Owed Some Compensatory Ignorance TT: Yes. TT: I was wondering.
|PESTERLOG|
AG: This is the most ridiculous pile of useless crap I have ever seen. AG: Why did you pick up all this junk???????? Rocks, mushrooms, shoes........ AG: Jegus, John. EB: jegus? AG: Yes. Jegus! EB: how do you know about jegus? do you even know what that is? AG: I have no idea! It's something Terezi has 8een saying non stop for some reason. AG: It is weirdly infectious. AG: What is it, some sort of human profanity? EB: no. well, yeah kind of. EB: it is a misspelling of an adult male bearded human, who was magic. AG: 8ooooooooring. EB: shrug! AG: John! Is that a frog I see there? EB: uh, yes. it is. AG: How do you have a frog already???????? EB: i dunno. i found it, and i decided to captchalogue it for some reason. EB: frogs are pretty cool. AG: It seems awfully early in your game for you to 8e finding frogs. Your session sure is weird! EB: huh. ok... EB: apparently it is considered illegal contraband. EB: why would a frog be illegal? AG: John, shut your trap! We are in a hurry here. EB: bossy!!!!!!!! AG: Ok, I think I can make you a completely faaaaaaaa8ulous outfit using this trash, and may8e some other stuff around your hive. AG: 8ut you have to do exactly what I say! EB: bossy bossy bossy bossy bossy bossy bossy bossy. EB: to the eighth power. EB: times eight infinities!!! AG: H8RRY 8P!!!!!!!!! EB: that was nine !'s. AG: Oops.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: so, uh... EB: red sneakers, some jeans, a tee shirt, and another shirt... EB: this is the fabulous outfit you had in mind? AG: Yes! Isn't it awesome? EB: it's pretty cool and all... EB: i was just picturing something... EB: more elaborate? like maybe more adventurey. AG: Fuck that. AG: This is a really hot look for you, John. It makes you look a million times more cool, instead of some kind of overa8sconding daggerlance fl8ling pansy. EB: what? AG: Now move your ass! AG: Go go go go go go go go!!!!!!!! EB: ok, jeeeeeeeez.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: ok... EB: marquise bossyfangs mcsekret, this has been a lot of fun... EB: but i have to go talk to my pals now, and also rescue jade! AG: Yes, I know that, dummy! I am in complete command of your timeline, remem8er? E8: oh yeah. sure, if you say so. AG: We will not speak again for a while. 8ut for me it will only 8e a moment. AG: I do not envy the Serketless coldspell you are a8out to endure, John. EB: that's too bad. EB: how long will it be? AG: Man, calm down! It will only 8e a couple of hours or so. AG: Sweet Jegus, I have clearly done a num8er on you to engender such a frothing o8session so quickly. AG: Not surprising. It's just the 8urden that comes with 8eing so damned awesome. 8ut you will figure that out soon enough John, 8ecause I have you well on your way. EB: ha ha, i guess... AG: Phase two of my program for you 8egins in a little while. AG: In the meantime, try not to get corrupted 8y anyone too lame. Especially no8ody with 8rown text or gray text, or any shit ugly color at all for that matter. EB: ok, i will try. EB: thanks for all the help. bye, ms. serket! AG: 8ye, John........ AG: W8. AG: John what? EB: Anderson. AG: Ok. Til next time, Mr. Anderson. EB: (hehehehehehehehe)
|PESTERLOG|
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --
EB: hey dave! TG: hey EB: wow, it's been a while since we talked, hasn't it. TG: has it EB: i think the last time i talked to you, i was doing exactly what im doing now... EB: which is blasting off from my house. EB: or was it? EB: wow, i can't remember... TG: man who cares TG: i mean thats great and all TG: but i talked to you plenty more times since that from where im standing TG: ive got to make this quick EB: oh. EB: you mean like the trolls? EB: are you using the troll time chat gizmo? TG: fuck no fuck that trollian horseshit TG: its just regular old time travel TG: im from the future EB: oh ok. is this dave sprite? TG: no TG: just regular ordinary dave from the fucking future nothing special dude come on EB: well, excuse me, but i still think time travel sounds kind of special. EB: sorry you are so jaded by awesome shit! TG: yeah ok it is awesome but im in a hurry EB: what is it? TG: i need to borrow some boondollars off you EB: boondollars? i thought they didn't do anything. TG: no they do do something EB: what do they do? TG: what do you think they buy shit its fucking money EB: what do they buy? TG: i cant answer all these questions dude youll find out anyway its not like youll even really need your money TG: you you might as well give it to me EB: uh... EB: how much do you need? TG: all of it EB: oh, fuck that!!! TG: man you just said you thought it was useless why do you care EB: but you just said it wasn't useless! TG: ill pay you back EB: really? when? TG: in the future TG: if theres one thing im not short on its the fuckin future EB: how far in the future are you from? EB: i thought we only had something like 24 hours until, like... EB: game over. TG: yeah we do TG: but chronologically ive been around for at least triple that EB: wow. how... EB: i don't get how that works! TG: no shit your deal is wind not time TG: youre on easy street what is there even to think about with wind TG: like what angle to blow it at to fly a damn kite or how gentle its gotta be to make a picnic go swimmingly TG: its kiddie bullshit time is serious fucking business TG: leave it to the pros ok EB: but, doesn't going back in time make an alternate reality? EB: i thought that's what happened with dave sprite, he came back to make sure i didn't die and this is a new timeline now. TG: yeah it can work that way TG: or not TG: ive been very careful TG: this whole operation is strung together with stable time loops TG: no timeline offshoots cause thats when daves start dying and that isnt no good for nobody EB: daves, plural? TG: yeah TG: there are a bunch of daves running around the timeline EB: oh, man. TG: but they are all me TG: i mean they will all become me and ill become them one way or another TG: thats how stable time loops work shit takes a lot of planning and precise choreography TG: ive got some help though EB: help? EB: sounds like you have been talkin' to some trolls! TG: yeah EB: they seem to be getting more talkative lately. TG: man dont even get me started with that TG: the 24 hour span of the reckoning is like some kind of critical spike in us dealing with troll bullshit TG: i guess its just when the most shit is going down so they figure thats the best time to mess with us EB: yeah, that makes sense. EB: i guess since you've lived three days in one day, you've just been hassled that much more? TG: i dont know man they seem to flock to me TG: ive been laying waste to chumps nonstop TG: its like they heard somebody over here was handing out asses and theyve known nothing but years of bitter ass famine EB: heheh. EB: so what is the future like? EB: or uh, the 3x future... EB: do we win??? TG: oh you know TG: noirs outta control TG: rose is crazy jades crazier and youre TG: well youre you TG: and together were up to our bulges and miscellaneous bullshit alien physiology in hot sloppy shenanigans while hatching plans under our feathery asses like a bunch of cage free farm fresh motherfuckers TG: but im not about to get into specifics cause this is complicated enough as it is TG: and if i started ranting too much about the future id start sounding like one of these smug alternian shitheads and im not about to drop that retarded science on my good bro TG: so im staying on track here TG: speaking of which TG: give me your money EB: but... EB: i worked hard saving up that money! EB: i have a whole boonbuck now. TG: oh christ TG: only one TG: well fuck nevermind then TG: i thought youd have more by now but thats goddamn peanuts EB: :( TG: i mean TG: ill take it anyway but damn EB: tell me what you want with it! TG: im working the system here TG: using time loops to manipulate the incipispheres financial sector TG: making a goddamn killing in the lohacse EB: lohacse? TG: lohac stock exchange EB: um... EB: lohac? TG: my planet TG: land of heat and clockwork dude come on TG: you know like gears and lava and shit EB: oh, huh. EB: that sounds unpleasant. TG: wrong it kicks ass EB: your unpleasant face is what kicks ass! EB: or DOESN'T, more like. TG: egbert stfu and give me your goddamn boonbuck j3gus fuck TG: ill turn it into a boonmint in an hour and youll get it back ok EB: j3gus? EB: *narrows eyes suspiciously...* TG: no comment EB: i don't even know how to give it to you! EB: they are just more weird gaming abstractions, how do we do this? TG: you can wire it to my account TG: ill send you the app EB: i'm really pretty busy you know. i have to help jade! TG: i know TG: but this takes like two seconds EB: bluh... EB: fiiiiiiiine. TG: dude TG: dont do the vriska thing ok TG: shes messed up we talked about this TG: or will talk EB: who? TG: whatever TG: alright app incoming
-- turntechGodhead [TG] sent ectoBiologist [EB] the file "virtualporkhollow.exe" --
TG: gotta go later
Looks like Egbert came through. He wires you his measly BOONBUCK. It's not much, but it is immediately funneled into the pipelines of your various investment scams, and quickly begins paying dividends.
The figures are tight. You have this shit on fiduciary lockdown. The economy belongs to you.
|PESTERLOG|
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]
GC: H3Y D4V3 GC: B1G N3WS TG: hey TG: have i made enough money yet GC: OF COURS3 YOU H4V3 GC: MOR3 TH4N W3 COULD 3V3R POSS1BLY F1GUR3 OUT WH4T TO DO W1TH GC: BUT TH4T 1S NOT TH3 B1G N3WS! >:] TG: ok GC: 1 M4D3 YOU 4NOTH3R COM1C TG: fuck TG: bout time TG: what took so long GC: 1 R3S3NT TH3 1MPL1C4T1ON D4V3 GC: TH4T 1 4M NOT WORK1NG T1R3L3SSLY ON YOUR B3H4LF 4S W3LL 4S ON B3H4LF OF TH3 F1N3 4RTS GC: JUST B3C4US3 YOU GO FOR HOURS W1THOUT H34R1NG FROM M3 GC: DO3SNT M34N 1 4M NOT SL4V1NG 4W4Y H3R3 4T M4K1NG YOU R1CH GC: F1N4NC14LLY 4ND 4RT1ST1C4LLY GC: 1TS JUST 1 DONT H4V3 TH3 LUXURY OF YOUR 3XP4ND3D T1M3FR4M3 GC: M1ST3R THR33 D4YS 1N ON3 >:[ TG: k cool lets see it GC: 1S TH3R3 4NYTH1NG TH4T 4 HUM4N COOLK1D C4NNOT DO??? GC: http://tinyurl.com/T34CHM3D4V3 GC: 1 DOUBT 1T! >8D TG: damn TG: thats incredible GC: TH3 PH3NOM3NON OF TH3 COOLK1D 1S 4 F4SC1N4T1NG ON3 D4V3 GC: 1 H4V3 STUD13D 1T GC: D1D YOU KNOW TH4T W3 DO NOT H4V3 COOLK1DS ON 4LT3RN14? TG: oh shit really TG: that loud sound of shock you just smelled was my jaw hitting the floor GC: 1TS TRU3 GC: SOM3 TRY TO B3 1 TH1NK, W1THOUT 3V3N B31NG 4W4R3 OF TH3 T3MPL4T3 TH3Y 4R3 STR1V1NG FOR GC: 1T 1S 4 S4D SP3CT4CL3 GC: BUT 1 TH1NK YOU 4R3 PROB4BLY TH3 COOL3ST COOLK1D D4V3 GC: 4LL TH3S3 OTH3R HORNS3S 4SS3S SURF1NG ON K3YBO4RDS 4ND PUTT1NG H4TS ON TURNW4YS 4R3 4 BUNCH OF STUT1D NUMPNUTS GC: TH3Y H4V3 NOTH1NG ON TH3 ON3 TRU3 STR1D3R TG: yeah i mean TG: i cant possibly argue with any of that TG: so are we done making money yet or what GC: OH 1 DONT KNOW GC: T3CHN1C4LLY W3 W3R3 4 LONG T1M3 4GO TG: yeah i kinda figured GC: BUT 1TS 4 FUN W4Y TO STR3TCH OUT TH3 T1M3 YOUV3 GOT L3FT, 1SNT 1T? GC: >:] TG: im not complaining TG: but you said there was something specific we were working toward here TG: i mean aside from buying up all the nastiest fraymotifs GC: Y3S BOTH 4R3 TRU3 GC: 4ND TH3R3 4R3 SOM3 YOU H4V3NT BOUGHT Y3T! GC: TH4T 1S 1MPORT4NT, W3 N33D TO K33P YOU COMP3T1T1V3 W1TH JOHN TG: competitive TG: man TG: dont matter what i do im not gonna outpace egbert GC: DONT S4Y TH4T! YOUV3 GOT TO B3L13V3 1N YOURS3LF D4V3 TG: hey its not like the futures a mystery or anything weve both seen it TG: well TG: ive seen it TG: youve just caught a whiff of it TG: like a hungry beggar loitering cross the street of an olive garden TG: just cause a filthy vagrants barred from entry dont mean a dude doesnt know italian foods nearby its a fucking fact to his nose GC: DO NOT D1STR4CT FROM TH3 1SSU3 W1TH YOUR S4SSY R3M4RKS 4BOUT 34RTH 1T4L14N FOOD GC: Y34H OK, JOHN M4Y S3RV3 YOU YOUR OWN BULG3 ON 4 S1LV3R TURN T4BL3 PR3 SCR4TCH GC: BUT WH4T 4BOUT 4FT3R TH4T? GC: W3 N33D YOU TO K33P P4C3 GC: 1T 1S TH3 CL4SS1C STRUGGL3, TH3 HUM4N 34RTH COOLK1D V3RSUS TH3 34RTH HUM4N N3RD GC: WHO W1LL W1N??????? >:O GC: (D4V3 D4V3 D4V3) TG: yeah fine TG: so whats the other thing we were accomplishing here TG: does that get to be not an obnoxious secret yet GC: Y3S, NOW 1S TH3 T1M3 GC: YOU MUST W1R3 YOUR BOONDOLL4RS TO MY 4CCOUNT TG: ok so this was your game TG: to get rich off me GC: Y3SSSSSSSSSSSS >8] GC: BUT S3R1OUSLY 1TS 1MPORT4NT! GC: 1T 1S CR1T1C4L TO 4LL OUR PL4NS TG: alright well its not like i even have a problem parting with this useless bullshit money TG: how much do you need GC: 413 BOONBONDS TG: thats all TG: i can afford to give you a fuckload more than that TG: how bout i give you an even boonbank GC: NO!!! GC: 1T MUST B3 3X4CTLY TH4T 4MOUNT TG: ok just to be clear TG: thats 413 TG: not "aie" GC: Y34H GC: J3RK >:P TG: whats up with that number TG: ive seen it around GC: TH3Y 4R3 TH3 NUM3R4LS OF TH3 BL1ND PROPH3TS TG: whats that mean GC: 1 DONT KNOW >:? TG: ok awesome GC: 4LSO GC: 4T TH3 3X4CT 3ND OF TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON GC: YOU MUST W1R3 TH3 MON3Y TO MY 4CCOUNT 3X4CTLY 6 HOURS 4ND 12 M1NUT3S 1NTO TH3 P4ST GC: MY P4ST! R3L4T1V3 TO MY PR3S3NT MOM3NT 4S OF TYP1NG TH1S TG: you mean i can do that TG: then TG: why werent we just wiring money into the past for these investment escapades instead of doing all this time traveling GC: B3C4US3! GC: TH4T W4SNT TH3 PL4N GC: W3 H4D TO PL4Y 4LONG W1TH TH3 ST4BL3 T1M3 LOOPS W3 W3R3 PR3S3NT3D W1TH GC: YOU KNOW, M4K3 SUR3 4LL THOS3 D4V3S RUNN1NG 4ROUND 3X1ST3D 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3 TG: oh yeah TG: i knew that its just frustrating sometimes its like paradox space makes you do everything the hard way GC: Y34H T3LL M3 4BOUT 1T GC: BUT H3Y 1TS B33N FUN PL4Y1NG 4LONG, H4SNT 1T? TG: sure GC: W3V3 GOT TO K33P B31NG D3L1C4T3 W1TH T1M3 GC: 1F YOU ST4RT B3ND1NG TH3 RUL3S 4ND T4K1NG SHORTCUTS GC: TH4TS WH3N D34D D4V3S ST4RT P1L1NG UP GC: D34D D4V3S 4R3 TH3 3N3MY! GC: 4S D3L1GHTFUL 4S 1T 1S TO SM3LL TH31R SW33T C4NDY BLOOD 3V3RYWH3R3 TG: yeah TG: reminds me TG: i made you a comic a while ago GC: YOU D1D??? TG: yeah here GC: >:o GC: D4V3... GC: TH1S COM1C 1S BORD3RL1N3 PORNOGR4PH1C GC: YOU 4R3 4 R34LLY FUCK3D UP K1D TG: yeah ok whatever you say TG: fuckin aliens GC: (1T 1S F4NT4ST1C, 1 LOV3 1T) TG: ok cool TG: hey boonbonds incoming now TG: brace yourself six hours ago
You have recently retreated to the Veil to hide from a mysterious demon which appears to be bent on your destruction. Suddenly nobody understands anything.
There is not much to do but wander around the laboratory while the others squabble amongst each other and search for answers. You point your nose Skaiaward. It is a refreshing blue minty dot against the Medium's dark canvas. It is very far away from this meteor though. It is hard to pick up its scent clearly.
You suppose you'd better report this to your teammates. Perhaps a memo is in order. But today, there will be little reason for rumpus in your partytown. Today is a very sad day. You are all in bigger trouble than you suspected.
|PESTERLOG|
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN.
CGC: B4D N3WS 3V3RYON3! CGC: UM FUTURE gallowsCalibrator [CGC] 3 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGC: T3R3Z1 SOM3TH1NG H4S COM3 UP CGC: OH? FGC: Y3S YOU W1LL N33D TO CUT TH1S M3MO SHORT FGC: 3V3RYON3, TH3 BOTTOM L1N3 1S TH4T PROSP1T W4S JUST D3STROY3D FGC: 1 4M SORRY TO S4Y FGC: >:[ CGC: >:[ FUTURE adiosToreador [FAT] 3:14 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FAT: iS, FAT: tHAT WHAT HAPPENED, FGC: Y3S T4VROS FAT: }:( FGC: WOW 1T TOOK YOU THR33 HOURS TO F1GUR3 TH4T OUT? FGC: WH4T TH3 H3LL H4V3 YOU B33N DO1NG FAT: mOSTLY, FAT: gETTING USED TO THESE LEGS, FAT: fALLING DOWN STAIRS, aND THINGS LIKE THAT, FUTURE centaursTesticle [FCT] 3:14 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCT: D --> I'm quite sure I warned you about attempting to navigate stairs while adjusting to the new equipment FUTURE arachnidsGrip [FAG] 3:14 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FAG: Yes, you told him 8ro! FAG: I distinctly remem8er you telling him a8out stairs. 8ut he didn't listen. FAG: He never listens! None of you do, really. FAG: And now all of your extra lives are waaaaaaaasted. FAG: What a 8unch of losers! I'm outta here. FAG banned herself from responding to memo.
CGC: W3LL CGC: NOT 4LL OF TH3M CGC: TH3 D3RS3 DR34M3RS 4R3 F1N3 4S F4R 4S 1 KNOW FUTURE arsenicCatnip [FAC] 3:14 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FAC: :33 < ummm no not quite :(( FAC: :33 < she is refurring to the fact that derse was just destroyed too FAC: :33 < i saw him during my catnap, he blew it right on up! CGC: >8C FAC: :33 < :'CC FAC: :33 < feferi was sl33ping too, and now she will not wake up! FAC: :33 < i am very purrturbed by this FGC: 3V3RYON3, PL34S3! FGC: P4ST T3R3Z1 H4S SOM3TH1NG 1MPORT4NT TO 4TT3ND TO 1N 4 MOM3NT FGC: SO 1 4M 4FR41D 1 MUST CLOS3 TH1S M3MO! FGC: PL34S3 SC4N TH3 BULL3T1N FOR FUTUR3 M3MOS TO CONT1NU3 D1SCUSS1NG TH1S 4ND OTH3R 1NTR1GU1NG TOP1CS FGC: 4S 4LW4YS, 1T H4S B33N 4 PL34SUR3 S3RV1NG YOUR TR4NST1M3L1N3 D1SCUSS1ON N33DS H3R3 4T TH3 R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN FAG unbanned herself from responding to memo.
FAG: You doofus!!!!!!!! FGC: SHUT TH3 FUCK UP! FGC banned FAG from responding to memo.
On the instruction of yourself from three minutes in the future, you wait for something to happen.
You wonder what could possibly happen that will cause you to become your future self in three minutes and interrupt your past self's memo and tell her to wait for three minutes doing nothing but wondering what could possibly happen that will cause her to become her future self in...
Hey. Someone just wired you some money. That's odd.
|PESTERLOG|
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]
GC: SOLLUX 1 N33D YOU TO TR4C3 4 MON3Y TR4NSF3R TA: 2omeone 2ent you money? GC: Y3S TA: why'2 2omeone 2endiing you money. TA: and why now of all tiime2, liike we can even u2e iit. TA: who'2 thii2 doucebag? GC: TH4TS WH4T 1 W4NT YOU TO F1GUR3 OUT! TA: ok. TA: bam, done. TA: ii am fuckiing iincrediible. GC: WHO 1S 1T? TA: 2omeone iin our uniiver2e. GC: C4N YOU B3 MOR3 SP3C1F1C? GC: UN1V3RS3S 4R3 K1ND OF HUG3. GC: SOM3ON3 FROM 4LT3RN14? TA: no no, ii mean 2omeone from OUR uniiver2e, the one we ju2t made. GC: WOW, 4LR34DY? GC: TH4T W4S F4ST GC: W3 JUST M4D3 1T! TA: yeah 2ure but we are completely out2iide iit2 temporal envelope remember. TA: the entiire hii2tory of the thiing exii2t2 already iin iit2 entiirety from our per2pectiive, iit2 flow of tiime mean2 nothiing two u2. TA: 2o we don't have two waiit for anythiing, iit'2 all already there. GC: Y34H TH4TS TRU3 GC: ST1LL S33MS W31RD THOUGH >:? TA: 413 boonbond2? damn. TA: 2omeone here ha2 been playiing 2grub ii gue22. wonder why they'd 2end u2 money. TA: maybe they know we made them? maybe iit'2 liike a tiip. liike thank2 dude2 for makiing u2 exii2t. GC: >:??? TA: why 413, why that number. TA: any iidea? GC: NUM3R4LS OF TH3 BL1ND PROPH3TS GC: OTH3R TH4N TH4T, DONT KNOW TA: well, 2eeiing a2 we don't know 2hiit about the guy... TA: bliind 2eem2 liike the operatiive concept. TA: kiinda liike a bliind donatiion. TA: and now we're fuckiing riich. TA: 2o ii gue22 you could 2ay... TA: they're the numeral2 of the bliind profiit2. TA: GC: HURRR >8P GC: SO TH3N 1 GU3SS 1TS FROM 4N 4L13N TA: yeah. GC: M4YB3 W3 SHOULD T3LL K4RK4T GC: WH3N3V3R H3 W4K3S UP TA: ehhhhh, thii2 2hiit'2 probably not iimportant enough two bother hiim wiith. TA: iif he fiind2 out, he'll probably want two hatch 2ome dumba22 plan that make2 no 2en2e. TA: and badger me iintwo doiing a lot of miindnumbiing bu2ywork. TA: ii'd leave hiim alone. GC: WH4T DO3S H3 LOOK L1K3 GC: OUR BL1ND DONOR TA: here come here ii'll open hiim up iin a viiewport. GC: OK TA: let'2 2hed 2ome... TA: LIIGHT on the 2ubject. TA: GC: H4H4H4 TH4T W4SNT 3V3N 4NY SORT OF PUN YOU DOOFUS TA: that wa2 the joke 2hut the fuck up.
The youngster receives striking new eyewear. Quite a handsome set. Perhaps it is customary for this species after emerging from the trials in the brooding caverns?
Or just MAYBE, this is some sort of coolkid you are dealing with here.
This race appears to be quite martially adept, even from early childhood. They must have proven to be very powerful Sgrub players. No wonder they managed to make so much money.
You cannot name him yet, no matter how inthufferable you find this coolkid to be! You will need to wait until his wriggling day, when he turns six solar sweeps.
|PESTERLOG|
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]
GC: H3Y 34RTH BOY GC: W41T... GC: 1 JUST 4SSUM3D YOU W3R3 4 BOY GC: M4YB3 YOUR3 4 G1RL? GC: 1 DONT KNOW MUCH 4BOUT YOUR W31RD HORNL3SS SP3C13S, 1 GU3SS YOU COULD B3 >:\ TG: yes im a girl GC: OH R34LLY? GC: 34RTHL1NGS 4R3 R34LLY B1Z4RR3 GC: NO OFF3NS3 GC: WH4T 1S YOUR SP3C13S C4LL3D TG: north american hollering phallus baboon GC: >:? GC: 1 TH1NK YOU M1GHT B3 PULL1NG MY FROND, F3M4L3 34RTHL1NG TG: no its true we are highly endangered TG: when our territory is threatened thats when the indiscriminate fucking begins TG: could fuck a circus tent down a gas tank TG: bunch it up in there good TG: slam the lid and drive away TG: beep beep albino hairless dickmonkey coming through GC: 1M NOT SUR3 WH4T TH4T M34NS GC: BUT 1 SUSP3CT 1T W4S SOM3TH1NG H1GHLY L4SC1V1OUS >:| TG: the glittering civilization before you was built on angry apefuck power alone TG: stand agog and marvel bitch GC: H4H4H4 OK TH1S 1S NONS3NS3, YOU 4R3 4 JOK3R GC: L1K3 M3 >:] GC: MY N4M3 1S T3R3Z1, WH4TS YOURS TG: shaggy 2 dope GC: OK SH4GGY, S33 GC: 1 C4N SM3LL D3C31T GC: L13S H4V3 4 SUBTL3 ODOR, 34SY TO M1SS 4T F1RST GC: BUT TH3 MOR3 TH3Y P1L3 UP TH3 MOR3 TH3Y ST1NK! GC: TH4T 1S NOT YOUR R34L N4M3 TG: ok sorry TG: its ben stiller GC: 4LSO 1 DONT TH1NK YOUR3 R34LLY 4 G1RL TG: nope TG: sorry to disappoint you dude GC: 1 4M 4 G1RL NOT 4 BOY! TG: dont care GC: >:[ GC: TH1S F1RST 3NCOUNT3R 1S NOT GO1NG 4S W3LL 4S 1 HOP3D TG: oh man another failed trolling attempt TG: i had such high hopes trapezi it started out brilliantly GC: T3R3Z1!!!!!!!! GC: 4ND 1 4M NOT TROLL1NG YOU, 1 4M JUST TRY1NG TO G3T TO KNOW 4 L1TTL3 4BOUT YOU 4ND YOUR SP3C13S GC: 1 JUST D1SCOV3R3D 1T 4ND 1 4M CUR1OUS TG: excuse me but it says right in the header of this conversation that youre trolling me TG: persterchum always knows GC: OH... GC: OH Y34H GC: BUT GC: OK TH1S M1GHT B3 H4RD FOR 4N 34RTH B4BOON TO UND3RST4ND GC: BUT TROLL 1S 4 V3RB TH4T H4S 4 LOT OF NU4NC3 GC: TH3 WORD C4N M34N 4 LOT OF TH1NGS GC: FOR 1NST4NC3, 1 4M 4 TROLL! TG: no shit GC: NO 1 M34N GC: TH4TS WH4T MY SP3C13S 1S C4LL3D TG: ok TG: let me just set aside some time to be stupid enough to believe that TG: hey looks like next month is chemical lobotomy month youre in luck GC: OH GOD WH4T 4 SM4RT4SS! GC: SM4RT4SS13ST 4L13N 3V3R TG: so what do you think TG: time to block you yet or what GC: NO! GC: L3TS K33P T4LK1NG GC: UM GC: WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG NOW TG: drawing a comic GC: H3Y 1 L1K3 TO DR4W TOO GC: 1M R34LLY QU1T3 GR34T 4T 1T TG: awesome GC: C4N YOU SHOW M3 YOUR COM1C TG: nah GC: COM3 ON GC: 1 W1LL DR4W YOU SOM3TH1NG 1N R3TURN GC: 1T W1LL B3 4 CULTUR4L 3XCH4NG3 TG: i dunno TG: you seem kinda young to me and this thing is like TG: borderline pornographic TG: how old are you GC: 6 TG: goddamn TG: ok now youre messing with me arent you you arent 6 GC: NO 1TS TRU3! TG: whatever thats bullshit TG: ok fuck it TG: just dont tell your parents GC: WH4T 4R3 P4R3NTS TG: thats just about the saddest thing i ever heard get said TG: here TG: http://tinyurl.com/CDandSL GC: 1 4M NOT SUR3 WH4T 1S PORNOGR4PH1C 4BOUT TH4T GC: 1TS JUST K1ND OF STR4NG3 TG: i guess GC: 1TS PR3TTY GOOD THOUGH TG: its ok TG: im not thrilled with this direction though i think its too much like my bros stuff TG: need to figure out my own ironic statement to make TG: spread my wings you know GC: Y3S GC: 1 TH1NK YOU C4N DO TH4T GC: YOU JUST H4V3 TO F1GUR3 OUT WH4T TH3 TRUTH 1S 1NS1D3 YOU TG: pretty deep troll girl GC: 1TS TRU3! GC: TH3R3 1S 4 LOT 1N YOUR M1ND WH1CH 1S CONC34L3D FROM YOUR SURF4C3 P3RC3PT1ON GC: YOU JUST N33D TO TRY TO B3COM3 4W4R3 OF 1T GC: CLOS3 YOUR 3Y3S GC: 4ND T3LL M3 WH4T YOU S33 1N YOUR M1NDSP4C3 TG: ok TG: i see TG: that fucking puppet GC: H4H4 Y3S YOUR 4DULT CUSTOD14NS S3RV4NT PUPP3T TG: uh what GC: WH4T 3LS3 DO YOU S33 TG: man i dunno TG: wheres this drawing you promised me GC: OH Y34H GC: H4NG ON GC: OK H3R3 YOU GO B3N ST1LL3R GC: http://tinyurl.com/FORB3NST1LL3R TG: oh my fucking hell TG: that is horrendous TG: in the most beautiful way GC: TH4NK YOU B3N >:] TG: god damn TG: that mouth TG: its like TG: i dont know TG: a fucking pork chop TG: jegus TG: i mean jesus TG: so overwhelmed i cant even damn type GC: Y3S W3LL GC: B3N 1 4M DR4W1NG W1TH 4 MOUS3 YOU KNOW TG: is there even any other way to draw on a computer TG: fuckin doubt it GC: 1M ST4RT1NG TO TH1NK YOUR N4M3 1SNT B3N GC: 1 TH1NK TH4T W4S 4NOTH3R RUS3 GC: T3LL M3 YOUR R34L N4M3!!! >:[ TG: ok lets say its TG: dave why not GC: D4V3! GC: TH4T SM3LLS L1K3 TRUTH GC: 1 W1LL D3C1D3 TO B3L13V3 1T >:] TG: fuck GC: OK D4V3, 1 H4V3 4 LOT TO DO GC: BUT 1 W1LL G3T B4CK TO YOU TG: what the hell could you possibly have to do TG: doesnt seem like youre into trolling us as much as your numbnut friends GC: MY FR13NDS? GC: 4R3 YOU SUGG3ST1NG OTH3RS L1K3 M3 H4V3 TROLL3D YOU TG: yeah what didnt you get the memo GC: 1 WR1T3 TH3 M3MOS!!! GC: 1 M1GHT NOT H4V3 WR1TT3N TH1S ON3 Y3T THOUGH... GC: 1 SHOULD PROB4BLY RUN TH1S BY GC: UH GC: MY L34D3R TG: your leader TG: thats a retarded thing to say even by the standard of your own bullshit made up vernacular GC: SM4RT4SS! TG: whos he really TG: your boyfriend or something GC: PFFFFFFFF Y34H R1GHT GC: W3LL OK GC: 1 M34N GC: 1TS B33N SORT OF COMPL1C4T3D W1TH H1M TG: ok asking for an explanation on that is pretty much the exact opposite of what im doing TG: and interesteds the opposite of what im being GC: SM4RT GC: 4SS GC: >:P GC: 4CTU4LLY H3S K1ND OF SM4RT4SSY L1K3 YOU NOW TH4T 1 TH1NK 4BOUT 1T GC: BUT YOU S33M C4LM 1NST34D OF SHOUTY 4LL TH3 T1M3 GC: 4LSO GC: YOU TYP3 1N BR1GHT BOLD R3D GC: YOU DONT H1D3 TH3 COLOR OF YOUR BLOOD L1K3 4 STUP1D W1GGL3R >:] TG: ok that remark was almost as boring as it was weird GC: OH P1P3 DOWN D4V3, 1 4M TRY1NG TO P4Y YOU 4 COMPL1M3NT! GC: 1 4M HOLD1NG OUT TH3 1NT3RSP3C13S OL1V3 BR4NCH H3R3, 4ND YOU 4R3 G1V1NG 1T 4 GOOD F1RM S4SS GR4B TG: haha GC: ON3 D4Y YOU W1LL RU3 4LL TH1S S4SS YOU H4V3 D1SH3D D4V3 GC: YOU M4Y NOT B3 4 G1RL, BUT YOU W1LL CRY L1K3 ON3 WH3N 1 4M THROUGH W1TH YOU TG: i dont cry GC: YOU W1LL GC: TH3R3 W1LL B3 T34RS GC: TH3Y W1LL SM3LL S4LTY, 4ND TH3N YOUR CH33KS W1LL B3 MY S4NDY B34CH >8] TG: oh god GC: OK, 1 W1LL G3T B4CK TO YOU 4FT3R YOU B3G1N PL4Y1NG GC: TH4T W1LL B3 N3XT SOL4R SW33P FOR YOU GC: TRY NOT TO B3 TOO 1MP4T13NT FOR MY R3TURN TG: i plan on forgetting about you instantly after this conversation GC: Y34H R1GHT GC: YOU KNOW 1 H4V3 L3FT MY M4RK GC: 1 4M S33R3D 1NTO YOUR R3T1N4S GC: L1K3 4 B1G R3D SUN TG: well maybe TG: even if thats the case TG: ill just forget on principle GC: TH4T SOUNDS L1K3 SOM3TH1NG TH4T 4 COOL K1D WOULD TRY TO DO TG: yeah TG: pretty cool guy here TG: case you hadnt noticed GC: 1 MOST C3RT41NLY D1DNT H4DNT NOT1C3D >:]
|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --
TG: what the fuck was the point of this again GC: WHY D4V3 GC: WH4T 1S TH1S TH4T MY NOS3 D3T3CTS GC: COULD 1T B3 GC: T34RS??? >:O TG: this is bullshit TG: this was a setup all along GC: 1 TOLD YOU YOU WOULD CRY D4V3 GC: 1 TOLD YOU BRO................ >8y TG: ok jegus TG: dont say it TG: if you say i warned you about tears or something one more time TG: i swear to gog GC: DONT! GC: DONT S4Y YOUR3 GO1NG TO DO 4N 4CROB4T1C SOM3RS4ULT OR P1RHOU3TT3 OFF OF SOM3TH1NG, J3GUS GC: 1 G3T 1T 4LR34DY! TG: ok fine TG: our memes can cancel each other out this time GC: Y3S 4GR33D GC: NOW DRY THOS3 SORRY 3Y3S D4V3 GC: TRY NOT TO B3 SUCH 4 FUCK1NG W1MP GC: 1T 1S UNFL4TT3R1NG B3H4V1OR FOR 4 COOLK1D OF YOUR ST4TUR3 TG: god dammit TG: im not actually crying TG: its the fucking onions TG: these piece of shit crocodiles are lambasting me with them GC: TH4TS TH3 L4M3ST 3XCUS3 1V3 3V3R H34RD GC: WHO 3V3R H34RD OF 4 S1LLY L1TTL3 ON1ON M4K1NG SOM3ON3 CRY, 1T 1S 4BSURD TG: i guess the stench of onions is covering up the smell of the truth how convenient TG: also your nose sux youre not even any good at smellin at all GC: >8O TH4T 1S OUTR4G3OUS GC: BUT 1 KNOW YOU 4R3 JUST TRY1NG TO G3T MY 34RTH GO4T GC: FOR HUM4N 1RON1C PURPOS3S TG: the only thing im getting TG: is out of this goddamn idiot cauldron here GC: NO D4V3 DONT! YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO M4K3 TH3 MOST D3L1C1OUS SOUP GC: 1T 1S M4K1NG M3 HUNGRY JUST TH1NK1NG 4BOUT 1T >:O~ TG: the only thing im going to make TG: is like banana and split TG: out of this bubbling pail of misery GC: OH GOG... GC: YOUR3 R1GHT GC: YOU 4R3 S1TT1NG 1N 4 HUG3 P41L >:o TG: why whats the relevance of that TG: tell me its more alien nonsense it will be so awesome to hear more of that GC: 1 4M NOT GO1NG TO 3XPL41N 1 WOULD B3 TOO 3MB4RR4SS3D TG: man TG: why did i ever agree to go along with this horseshit GC: B3C4US3 YOU H4D TO, 1T W4S 1N YOUR FUTUR3 GC: 4ND B3S1D3S YOU MUST US3 D1PLOM4CY TO W1N OV3R YOUR CONSORTS GC: S33 LOOK D4V3, TH3Y 4LL LOV3 YOU NOW! YOU 4R3 TH3 H3RO, 1TS YOU >:] GC: NOW TH3Y W1LL G1V3 YOU 4LL TH3 S3CR3TS OF TH3 L4ND TG: what secrets TG: they dont have any secrets TG: look at them theyre morons TG: the only secret theyve got is how many times a day they accidentally flush their medical alert bracelets down the toilet GC: D4V3, TH3Y 4R3 STUP1D 4ND Y3T V3RY W1S3 GC: YOU H4V3 MUCH TO L34RN 4ND 1 W1LL K33P H3LP1NG YOU L34RN 1T! GC: 3V3N 1F YOU 4R3 4 HUG3 CRYB4BY WHO 1S 34S1LY UPS3T BY CHOPP3D V3G3T4BL3S TG: ok im gonna change out of this wet suit TG: and into a dry shut your fucking mouth GC: >8Y BLUHHHHHHH
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TG: there now i wont be satisfying your crazy red fetish either GC: >:'C GC: NOW 1 4M CRY1NG TOO YOU S33 WH4T YOU D1D TG: all you get to smell is black TG: like licorice or something TG: you hate licorice right GC: 1 LOV3 L1COR1C3 TG: shit TG: ok lets say i dont smell like licorice then TG: i smell like TG: a coal miners asshole GC: TOO L4T3! GC: 1T 4LR34DY SM3LLS L1K3 L1COR1C3 S1NC3 YOU S41D TH4T, 4ND NOW 1 C4NT UNSM3LL 1T TG: whatever TG: anyway TG: probably bout time i got on with this game TG: sans these pointless sidequests you want drag me through for kicks TG: later terezi nice knowing you GC: W41T! GC: YOU C4N'T D1TCH M3, W3V3 GOT 1MPORT4NT STUFF TO DO TOG3TH3R TG: unlikely GC: OH GC: H3Y >:o GC: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY N4M3? TG: you told me remember GC: Y34H, BUT 1 THOUGHT YOU FORGOT! TG: why would i forget GC: YOU S41D YOU W3R3 GO1NG TO M4K3 4 PO1NT OF FORG3TT1NG! TG: oh TG: i guess i forgot i was supposed to forget GC: W3LL TH3N GC: M1ST3R D4V3 STR1D3R GC: 1 4M GL4D TH4T YOU FORGOT TO FORG3T >:D TG: uh alright GC: OH!!! GC: SP34K1NG OF FORG3TT1NG TO NOT FORG3T TH1NGS GC: 1 FORGOT TO SHOW YOU TH1S GC: PR3TTY SPOT ON DONT YOU TH1NK GC: http://tinyurl.com/SPOTONSTR1D3R TG: what the hell GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4 GC: 4BSOLUT3 P3RF3CT1ON! GC: 4ND TH3R3 GO3S TH3 B1G M4N 1N H1S 34RTH SPORT, DR1V1NG TH3 HOOP THROUGH TH3 P41NT........ GC: DOWN TOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TG: whats your obsession with making this goofy bullshit anyway TG: is it troll irony GC: 1 H4V3 D3V3LOP3D 4 P4SS1ON FOR COMB1NG YOUR 1NT3RN3T FOR TH3 COOL K1DS GC: 4ND M4K1NG TH3M COOL3R GC: BY STR1D3RFY1NG TH3M >:] TG: dont get me wrong its awesome GC: TH4NK YOU D4V3 GC: HON3STLY 1 TH1NK 1 4M 4 B3TT3R 4RT1ST TH4N 1 H4V3 PR3S3NT3D SO F4R GC: 1F ONLY 1 COULD DR4W YOU SOM3TH1NG W1TH MY CH4LK >:\ GC: OH!!! GC: 1 KNOW, 1 C4N BORROW MY FR13NDS DR4W1NG T4BL3T GC: 1 W1LL DO TH4T 1N 4 L1TTL3 WH1L3 TG: thats cool GC: D4V3 W3 SHOULD TR4D3 SOM3 DR4W1NGS GC: YOU 4ND M3 TG: sure thats fine TG: im still gonna go off and do my own thing though TG: later GC: W41T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TG: dammit what GC: OK 1 G3T TH4T YOU 4R3 TH1S R4D LON3R 4ND YOU TH1NK YOU H4V3 1T 4LL F1GUR3D OUT GC: BUT HOW 4BOUT TH1S GC: 1F 1 4M M34NT TO H3LP YOU, TH3N YOUR FUTUR3 S3LF OUGHT TO V1S1T YOU R1GHT NOW 4ND G1V3 YOU 4 THUMBS UP, R1GHT? GC: 1T W1LL B3 YOUR W4Y OF CONF1RM1NG TO YOURS3LF TH4T 1 C4N B3 TRUST3D GC: TH3R3 1S NO W4Y YOU WOULD PL4N TO DO TH4T 1N TH3 FUTUR3 1F YOU 3ND UP R3GR3TT1NG MY H3LP GC: DO3S TH4T SOUND F41R? TG: yeah fine but i doubt that i TG: oh fuck there i am hiding behind that column GC: >8D
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TG: ok so whats the plan GC: 1 THOUGHT YOU WOULD N3V3R 4SK GC: TH3R3 4R3 SO M4NY PL4NS GC: W3 4R3 GO1NG TO B3 SO BUSY D4V3, YOU H4V3 NO 1D34 TG: thats cool TG: but whats the answer that doesnt have anything to do with meaningless bullshit GC: 1SNT 1T OBV1OUS? GC: NOW TH4T W3 4R3 4 T34M D4V3 GC: YOU 4ND M3 GC: 1T 1S T1M3 TG: time TG: for GC: T1M3 TG: for TG: come on GC: FOR............ TG: ...... TG: ........... GC: ............................. GC: FOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.............. TG: god dammit GC: 4 MOTH3R FUCK1NG D4NC3 P4RTY!!!!!!! >:O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GC: http://tinyurl.com/OMGD4NC3P4RTY TG: whoa
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TG: its like TG: watching a miracle made of nothing but twitching schroder legs GC: YOU S33 D4V3 GC: 1 TOLD YOU, YOU W1LL NOT R3GR3T H1TCH1NG YOUR SH1TTY JP3GGY FOUR WH33L D3V1C3 TO MY CONST3LL4T1ON GC: TH1S 1S WH3R3 TH3 P4RTYS 4T TG: look at us go TG: i cant stop watching TG: damn TG: those moves GC: TRUST M3 GC: TH3S3 MOV3S DONT STOP K33P T4K1NG PL4C3 GC: NOT 4T TH1S P4RTY TG: i can see im going to have to drop everything TG: drop it like its simultaneously hot and i just tripped over the rug TG: dedicate my undivided attention to this shit GC: D4V3, WHY TR1P OV3R TH4T RUG... GC: WH3N YOU C4N CUT 1T????? >:] GC: T4PP4 T4P T4P 4 P4P! GC: SHOOSH SHOOSH! TG: damn youre right TG: truth be told everyone will be tripping when im done TG: once i upset this biznasty with my swift cuts TG: dudes will phalanx themselves agape like theyre offerin to store my shit in their mouths for the night TG: rows of glasseyed human fly catchers beholding categorical fucking domination of the dance floor TG: but they wont catch none cause the flys all mine GC: YOU H4V3 4LL TH3 D3L1C1OUS FL13S TG: theres not any i dont have TG: im crafting a new dance move TG: to shock the shit out of asses in pants TG: fred astaires ghost will weep in the arms of his own nimble rotting corpse GC: WH4T 1S YOUR N3W MOV3 D4V3 >:? TG: its called TG: the smug cracker parlor wiggle GC: >:O GC: 1 1M4G1N3 TH3S3 GYR4T1ONS W1LL SM3LL QU1T3 FR3SH GC: L1K3 R3C3NTLY L34V3N3D GRUBLO4F TG: of course TG: and just when the scene thought it was startin to recover from its ridiculous erection over that TG: thats when i bust out another fierce move TG: i call it rageclock me in the douche smirk plz TG: cut out to the rude jam "askin 4 it!" GC: HOW RUD3 WOULD YOU S4Y TH1S J4M 1S D4V3 TG: id say if i had to take an educated guess it was outright goddamn unmannerly TG: needs to get worked over by some stuffy prude at finishing school GC: W1LL YOU T34CH M3 TH3S3 MOV3S TG: i dont know about that GC: PL34S3 D4V3 GC: YOU ST4ND TH3R3 4ND DO TH3 UNM4NN3RLY MOV3S, 4ND 1 W1LL OBS3RV3 STUD1OUSLY TG: i dont know if you can keep up with me kid TG: no offense TG: theres just magic in these shoes and the coy gnome i ransacked wants them goddamn back GC: COM3 ON GC: YOU T4K3 TH3 L34D GC: 4ND 1 W1LL FOLLOW GC: L1K3 TH1S GC: http://tinyurl.com/T34CHM3YOURMOV3SD4V3 TG: ahahahahahaha
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TG: i feel like i should be offering some visual rebuttal here TG: you arent giving me any time though dammit GC: TH4T 1S B3C4US3 1 H4V3 YOU 4T TH3 T3MPOR4L D1S4DV4NT4G3 GC: 1 C4N P4US3 4ND DO WH4T3V3R 1 L1K3 4ND TH3N CONT1NU3 OUR CONV3RS4T1ON W1THOUT M1SS1NG 4 ST3P! GC: BUT DO NOT WORRY D4V3 GC: 1T WOULD B3 4 SH4M3 TO H4V3 TO WH1FF YOUR FR4GR4NT T34RS 4G41N GC: 3V3NTU4LLY TH3 T4BL3S W1LL TURN 4ND TH3 4DV4NT4G3 W1LL B3 YOURS GC: YOU W1LL H4V3 4LL TH3 T1M3 1N TH3 PR3N4T4L UN1V3RS3 4T YOUR D1SPOS4L GC: B31NG TH3 KN1GHT OF T1M3 4ND 4LL TG: oh yeah TG: i keep forgetting i can time travel TG: thats fine i guess GC: 4ND ONC3 YOU H4V3 TH3 UPP3R H4ND GC: 4ND TH3R3 4R3 MOR3 D4V3S SCR4MBL1NG 4ROUND TH4N YOU C4N SH4K3 4 BROK3N SWORD 4T GC: TH3N YOU W1LL G3T YOUR CH4NC3 TO 1MPR3SS M3 >;] GC: L1K3 SO GC: http://tinyurl.com/TH3FLO4R-1SONF1R3 TG: see TG: i cant compete with this GC: H3H3H3H3H3
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TG: but seriously what is the real plan here TG: that has to do with not fucking around GC: TH3R3 1S NO PL4N TH4T DO3S NOT 1NVOLV3 FUCK1NG 4ROUND GC: BUT W3 W1LL M4K3 SUR3 4LL OF OUR FUCK1NG W1LL B3 4PPL13D 1N 4 CONSTRUCT1V3 D1R3CT1ON TG: ok could you try to be somehow even less subtle when you hit on me thanks GC: WH4T GC: WH4T D1D 1 S4Y? TG: man TG: nevermind GC: YOU W1LL H4V3 TO FORG1V3 M3 D4V3, 1 TH1NK SOM3T1M3S TH3 M34N1NG OF WORDS 1S LOST THROUGH OUR CULTUR4L D1FF3R3NC3S TG: no shit TG: im going to infer that your species reproduces by having sex with a grub in a bucket or something TG: am i close GC: D4V3 GC: TH4T 1S 4BSOLUT3LY TH3 F1LTH13ST TH1NG 1 H4V3 3V3R H34RD 4NYON3 S4Y >:\ TG: ok sorry TG: back on point TG: what are we doing GC: W3LL, W3 N33D TO ST4RT M4K1NG YOU SOM3 MON3Y GC: LOTS 4ND LOTS 4ND LOTS OF 1T! TG: ok GC: WH3N YOU H4V3 S4V3D UP 3NOUGH GC: W3 W1LL BUY YOU YOUR F1RST FR4YMOT1F GC: TH3N YOU C4N ST4RT CUTT1NG OUT TRULY TH3 FLY3ST OF MOV3S GC: 4ND TH4T 1S WH3N W3 W1LL B3G1N TH3 MOST POORLY B3H4V3D D4NC3 P4RTY OF 4LL >:D TG: sounds cool GC: D3MONS 4ND D3N1Z3NS 4L1K3 W1LL TR3MBL3 B3FOR3 YOUR F1DG3TY GYR4T1ONS GC: 4ND MOST 1MPORT4NTLY, YOU W1LL PROV3 YOURS3LF TO B3 TH3 B3ST HUM4N BOY OF 4LL GC: W4Y B3TT3R TH4N TH4T DORKY 3GB3RT 4ND WHO3V3R M1GHT B3 M3DDL1NG W1TH H1M 4T 4NY G1V3N MOM3NT TG: huh what an odd thing to say TG: it demands no explanation whatsoever GC: NO OF COURS3 NOT TG: so how do i start making all this money GC: P4T13NC3! GC: R3M3MB3R HOW 1 S41D YOU H4V3 PL3NTY OF T1M3 TG: tell me anyway GC: OK W3LL T4K3 WH4T YOU H4V3 S4V3D UP FROM CL1MB1NG YOUR 3CH3L4DD3R TO ST4RT W1TH GC: HOW MUCH DO YOU H4V3? TG: dont know TG: i never even looked at it GC: D3RRRRP, N1C3 JOB 4C3 G4M3R GC: M4YB3 YOU SHOULD H4V3 4 LOOK 4T 1T TG: k GC: 4ND TH3N 1 W1LL 4DV1S3 YOU L4T3R 4FT3R OBS3RV1NG TH3 GR4ND SCH3M3 OF 4LL TH1NGS 4ND 4LL D4V3S GC: 1 W1LL L34V3 YOU 4LON3 FOR 4 L1TTL3 WH1L3 TO W4ND3R 4ND 3XPLOR3 GC: BUT 1 W1LL B3 B4CK! GC: 4ND 1 W1LL COM3 B4CK W1TH 4 DR4W1NG T4BL3T GC: 4ND TH3N YOU W1LL S33 SOM3 TRU3 M4ST3RP13C3S TG: ok after all this hype you better be prepared to fucking dazzle me TG: are you gonna bring it? GC: 4LLOW M3 TO PROV1D3 4N 4NSW3R THROUGH 1NT3RPR3T1V3 D4NC3 GC: http://tinyurl.com/H3LLFUCK1NGY3S TG: awesome TG: peace out t-z GC: >:) TG: oh shit GC: >:?
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-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] --
EB: hey vriska! EB: ok, i still cannot find my nanna up here, so now i am just installing this game. EB: what are you up to? AG: John! What the hell. There are so many things wrong with what you just said. AG: First of all, who told you you could just hassle me without warning like this? That's not how this works! EB: why not? you guys do it all the time. AG: Yes, 8ecause we are trolling you! Those are the rules. We get to 8ug you any time we feel like, and you have to sit there and t8ke it like a chump. EB: bluh... AG: I am too 8usy to 8e fielding your nonsense at the drop of one of your a8surd human hats. I have a ridiculous num8er of irons in the fire. You will speak to me only when I am ready to contact you, is that clear???????? EB: that's dumb. i'm going to talk to you whenever i want! AG: Secondly, I am very pissed off that you figured out my name. EB: well, i didn't know it was your name for sure until you just told me now. EB: so, haha. AG: Dammit! AG: Who told you? EB: heheh, i am not telling. EB: a true wise guy never reveals his tricks. AG: I will find out who told you. And then I will m8ke them p8y. EB: nuh uh! EB: anyway, i was just wondering if you had a chance to watch that awesome video i linked you to? AG: What video? EB: you know... EB: the one about the renegade hero who busted loose from the slammer to save the day. AG: John, the way you descri8e movies makes them sound extremely stupid. Why would I want to watch this crap???????? EB: just do it, you won't be sorry. EB: i mean, when you are not so busy and have less irons in the fire or whatever. EB: ok, i am starting this game now and saving jade, like a street tough maverick with nothing to lose. EB: see ya, vriska! AG: XXXX| EB: oh, damn... AG: ::::?
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carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]
CG: HEY SHITHEAD YOU ARE IN HUGE TROUBLE. CG: A WORD WITH YOU AND YOUR FRIEND. EB: oh no. EB: which conversation is this for you? your second or so? CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT EB: i mean... EB: the second time you have spoken to me? EB: or first?? CG: JOHN, FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, THIS IS OUR TEN MILLIONTH CONVERSATION. EB: oh. EB: i thought you were going backwards though. CG: I WAS CG: GOT BACK TO THE BEGINNING CG: AND THEN JUMPED AHEAD AGAIN A BUNCH OF TIMES. CG: STOP BEING SO LINEAR, IT'S GETTING OLD. CG: NOW I NEED YOU TO JOIN THIS MEMO SO WE CAN DISCUSS SOMETHING IMPORTANT. EB: memo? CG: CLICK THE AWESOME BANNER I MADE. CG: EB: uh... EB: ok.
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carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]
CG: HEY SHITHEAD YOU ARE IN HUGE TROUBLE. CG: A WORD WITH YOU AND YOUR FRIEND. TG: i thought you were asleep CG: YES DAVE, I WAS ASLEEP AT ONE POINT. CG: IT STANDS TO REASON I AM NOW AND WILL ALWAYS BE ASLEEP AT EVERY POINT ON ALL TIMELINES. CG: THAT REALLY MAKES A LOT OF FUCKING SENSE. CG: NOW YOU, ME, AND EGBERT NEED TO HAVE A CHAT. CG: HERE I MADE A COOL BANNER USING SOME OF YOUR SHITTY EARTH CLIP ART. CG: CLICK IT. CG: TG: not cool TG: luring me into your cyber boobytrap with shitty clip art who told you my weakness CG: IT'LL WORK, WON'T IT? TG: obviously
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?CG AT ?:?? opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY.
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTG: what CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CEB: ok, i am here. CEB: oh, hi dave! CTG: hey CEB: what is going on in here? CTG: some kinda asshole rumpus looks like ?CG: EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP, I HATE YOU BOTH, ETC. ETC. ETC. ?CG: NOW THAT THE PLEASANTRIES ARE OUT OF THE WAY, THERE IS IMPORTANT BUSINESS TO DISCUSS. ?CG: THIS MEMO IS NOT ABOUT WHICH GUY CAN MANAGE TO BE THE HEFTIEST SACK OF SHAME GLOBES TO ONE ANOTHER. ?CG: IT IS NOT ABOUT WHICH ONE OF US WILL MOST DECISIVELY ESCORT THE OTHERS "TO SCHOOL", WHERE THEY WILL RECEIVE A VAST HELPING OF "OH SNAP" RAMMED DOWN THEIR INSATIABLE IGNORANCE SHAFTS. ?CG: THIS IS AN IMPORTANT CONVERSATION WHICH I BELIEVE NEEDS TO TAKE PLACE HERE AND NOW, SO YOU WILL BOTH SHAPE YOUR SHIT UP AND PERHAPS BEGIN TO APPROXIMATE PEOPLE WHO AREN'T EXCRUCIATINGLY RETARDED. CTG: ok later windbag ?CG: STRIDER FUCK OFF ?CG: AND BY FUCK OFF I MEAN FUCK OFF RIGHT BACK HERE AND LISTEN, YOU INSUFFERABLE PRICK. CEB: yeah, dave, don't go! CEB: i think we should listen to what he has to say. ?CG: YES, LISTEN TO YOUR LEADER DAVE. ?CG: AS DUMB AS EGBERT IS, HE IS SMARTER THAN YOU AND IS THE RIGHTFUL SUPERIOR AMONG YOUR DREARY LITTLE PARTY. ?CG: BUT I AM THE SUPERIOR OF BOTH OF YOU AND WHAT YOU REALLY NEED TO BE DOING IS LISTENING TO ME. ?CG: SO DAVE, TRY TO KEEP ALL THOSE SICK FIRES CHECKED AND THOSE STOIC LIPS PURSED FOR A GOD DAMNED SECOND ?CG: AND TAKE THIS SIMPLE BIT OF HATEFRIENDLY ADVICE: ?CG: STOP HITTING ON TEREZI IMMEDIATELY, IT'S FUCKING EMBARRASSING TO WATCH. CTG: nah CEB: haha, dave you're hitting on terezi? really?? CTG: no CTG: but whatever he thinks im doing im not going to stop CTG: the guys jealous obviously he thinks his girlfriend has a thing for me and you know what hes probably right CTG: but what else is new just another lady from outer space mackin on me whatever chance she gets ?CG: OH, HA HA! IF SMUG WAS A MOTORCYCLE, IT JUST JUMPED OVER A FUCKING CANYON. ?CG: THE CROWD GOES WILD WITH DISMAY, AND THEN COMMITS MASS SUICIDE. CEB: karkat, is terezi really your girlfriend? ?CG: GUESS WHAT THIS CONVERSATION IS ABOUT! NOT THAT PARTICULAR TOPIC. ?CG: ALSO GUESS WHOSE BUSINESS THAT STILL ISN'T, FUCKING YOURS, THAT'S RIGHT. CTG: pretty sure she is CTG: or he thinks she is or something CTG: made it pretty obvious when he started ranting at me months ago CTG: back when i suspected these trolls were full of shit CTG: but now look how far weve come CTG: theres not any doubt left about that at all ?CG: EVEN IF THERE WAS ANYTHING GOING ON, WHICH THERE DEFINITELY [OOPS TIME TO MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AGAIN, ASSHOLE!] ?CG: OUR ROMANCE IS MUCH MORE COMPLICATED THAN THE JOKE THAT PASSES FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF THE CONCEPT. ?CG: YOU ONLY HAVE ONE QUADRANT! THAT'S JUST ABSURD. CTG: right CTG: sounds like its time to get a clue she is over you dude CEB: what is so different about your romance? CEB: what's a quadrant? how many do you have? CTG: john god dammit stop embarrassing us CTG: first of all weve got to be on record here as not giving a shit about that CTG: second obviously theres gonna be 4 quadrants come on ?CG: JOHN, I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I SAID ABOUT YOU BEING THE SMART ONE. ?CG: DAVE IS NOW THE LEADER, EVEN THOUGH HE'S A SMUG SHITSTAIN WITH SHADES AND A POKER FACE. ?CG: IF THERE WERE FIVE, THEY'D BE CALLED QUINTDRANTS, GET IT??? CEB: wow, okay! CEB: who cares, jeeeeeeeez. ?CG: YES, EXACTLY. WHO CARES? ?CG: AS FASCINATING AS A LECTURE ON ALL THAT WOULD BE, IT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT. ?CG: WHICH BRINGS ME TO A RELATED POINT OF BUSINESS. ?CG: JOHN, DON'T THINK I DIDN'T NOTICE HOW MANY E'S YOU JUST TYPED THERE. ?CG: THAT'S GOT TO STOP TOO. CEB: what does? ?CG: STOP TALKING TO VRISKA. I'M FUCKING SERIOUS. CEB: what! CEB: no way. vriska's cool, i'll talk to her all i want! ?CG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. ?CG: YOU JACKASSES HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE GETTING YOURSELVES INTO. ?CG: THEY'RE DANGEROUS, AND YOU'RE JUST BLUNDERING RIGHT INTO THEIR HYPERCOMPETITIVE MINDFUCK MURDER-THICKET. ?CG: THESE PSYCHO GIRLS HAVE ALREADY GOTTEN EACH OF YOU KILLED AT LEAST ONCE TO MY KNOWLEDGE. CEB: well, yeah... CEB: but terezi killed me in an alternate timeline, so that isn't too bad i guess. CEB: plus, i am pretty sure that she is sorry about it. ?CG: OH GOD, YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT? ?CG: AND YOU'RE STILL GETTING UP TO THESE ANTICS ?CG: YOU ARE BOTH FUCKING HOPELESS, I GIVE UP. CTG: k then bye ?CG: SHUT YOUR SQUAWK GAPER AND STAY PUT. ?CG: I'M NOT DONE. CTG: sounds like a loudmouth inferiority thing going on here to me CTG: like you dont want to acknowledge that your troll ladies find a couple of human dudes irresistible ?CG: YOU DON'T GET IT. ?CG: I DO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT AS MUCH AS IT MAKES ME SICK TO MY VARIOUS BITS OF ALIEN PHYSIOLOGY YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF, THESE GIRLS ARE CLEARLY FLIRTING WITH BOTH OF YOU PRETTY HARD. ?CG: THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE SWEPT YOU BOTH INTO THEIR SICK ASSASSINATION GAMES IS SADLY WHAT MAKES THIS OBVIOUS. ?CG: THAT'S WHAT THEY DO. CEB: wait... CEB: are you saying that vriska is interested in me? CEB: like, romantically? ?CG: EGBERT JUST EARNED A FEW BRAIN POINTS! ?CG: HE HAS REACHED A NEW RUNG ON HIS ECHELADDER, "EASILY OUTFOXED BY SIMPLE UTENSILS" ?CG: "BUCKAROO" ?CG: OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT CTG: smooth CEB: oh man. CEB: uh... ?CG: YES LET'S ALL HAVE A GREAT BIG OH MAN OVER THAT ?CG: AND THEN FUCKING CUT THE HORSESHIT FOREVER. SOUND GOOD? CEB: i'm not sure what to think about this. CEB: dave, what do you think i should do? CTG: i dunno CTG: do you like her CEB: well, like i said, i thought she was pretty cool... CEB: kinda bossy! but also pretty friendly. CTG: yeah ok CTG: but i mean CTG: anything more than that CTG: like CTG: if earth wasnt destroyed and she werent in some other universe on a planet full of unspeakable frothing dipshits CTG: and she was on earth visiting your town or something CTG: would you want to ask her to go see one of your dumbass movies CTG: like the new maconnohey jam where he smirks and like all but deliberately draws the audiences ire like a goddamn magnetron CEB: mcconaughey!!!!!!!! CEB: um, wow, i don't know. CEB: i mean, yeah, sure it would be fun to do something like that with her, i think. CEB: but... CEB: beyond that, it's a little confusing! CEB: i don't think i have ever actually liked a girl before in that way, so i am not really sure what i am supposed to feel or do... ?CG: HOLY FUCK WHAT AM I EVEN READING HERE????? CTG: doesnt concern you dude ?CG: OK JOHN, ARE YOUR FEELINGS QUITE SORTED OUT YET? ?CG: ARE YOU QUITE DONE SLOGGING THROUGH THE EMOTIONAL MORASS OF ADOLESCENCE, EMERGING FROM THE SLUDGE IN YOUR JUNIOR ECTOBIOLOGY WADERS? ?CG: ARE WE FEELING JUST A LITTLE BIT WISER? DID WE GROW TODAY? THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL! ?CG: YOU WOULD THINK WARNING YOU GUYS THAT FRATERNIZING WITH THESE FEMALES IS PUTTING YOUR LIVES IN DANGER WOULD BE ENOUGH. ?CG: REALLY, DANGER YOU SAY? OH GOODNESS, WE NEARLY MADE A HUGE MISTAKE! WHY THANK YOU, MR. TROLL, HOW GRACIOUS OF YOU TO ALERT US TO OUR FOOLISHNESS. CTG: i dunno man doesnt sound like you really got our interests in mind here CTG: you just sound kinda bitter CTG: did one of the human ladies reject you ?CG: OF COURSE NOT. CTG: how did it go did you stand in a quadrant like you were playing four square CTG: holding a bucket full of flowers or slime or whatever and jade was like no thanks bro CTG: is that how it went down ?CG: YES, YOU FIGURED IT OUT! YOU ARE A SAVANT OF XENOBIOLOGY DAVE AND I SALUTE YOU WITH ONE OF MY MANY INTERGALACTIC SPACE TENDRILS ?CG: (THAT'S FAKE, I MADE THAT UP TO FUCK WITH YOU) CTG: or maybe it was a guy who rejected you ?CG: FUCK OFF. CTG: haha wow bingo CTG: see how i look right now thats a poker face might want to take some notes ?CG: I SEE NOTHING BUT A COWARD BEHIND DARK EYEWEAR CLEARLY DESIGNED FOR WOMEN AND A PAIR OF IMPUDENT LIPS PURSED SO TIGHT IT'LL SOUND LIKE AIR SQUEALING OUT OF A BALLOON WHEN I PUNCH YOU IN THE GUT. CTG: oh god stop talking about my lips thats the second time CTG: ok youre clearly gay and youve probably got some issues about it dude CTG: john just a heads up in the future i think youre gonna spurn one of his awkward advances CEB: uh oh! ?CG: JOHN DON'T LISTEN TO THIS FUCKER, HE'S THE WORST GUY AT GIVING ADVICE I'VE EVER SEEN. CEB: yeah, i dunno dave, i have talked to karkat a lot and i really don't think he has a thing for me. ?CG: EXACTLY. JOHN ONCE AGAIN IS FLYING HIGH AS SMARTEST HUMAN. ?CG: AND JOHN, PURELY HYPOTHETICALLY, IF ONE OF US IN THE FUTURE DOES MAKE SOME SORT OF SOLICITATION YOU DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND... ?CG: BECAUSE OF PERHAPS SOME CULTURAL DIFFERENCES ?CG: I MEAN NO ONE IN PARTICULAR HERE ?CG: MAYBE TRY TO UNDERSTAND THAT PERSON MIGHT NOT BE THINKING TOO CLEARLY AT THAT MOMENT CEB: uh... ?CG: IT MIGHT BE THE CASE THAT THIS PERSON HAS GOTTEN TOO WRAPPED UP IN A SORT OF CALIGINOUS IDEAL ?CG: AND GET CARRIED AWAY, POSSIBLY SO MUCH SO THEY WERE BLIND TO HOW COMPLETELY FUCKED UP AND WEIRD IT WOULD BE TO PURSUE ANYTHING LIKE THAT WITH ANOTHER SPECIES ?CG: ESPECIALLY ONE THAT DIDN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF A CALIGINIOUS RELATIONSHIP CTG: what CTG: the fuck CTG: are you talking about ?CG: BUT I'M NOT THAT PERSON. I HAVE A FIRM GRASP ON HOW DERANGED AND UNNATURAL ANY SORT OF INTERSPECIES RELATIONSHIP WOULD BE, WHETHER CALIGINOUS OR CONCUPISCENT. ?CG: SO I ASK ?CG: NO I'M FUCKING BEGGING YOU BOTH ?CG: TO QUIT CHATTING UP THESE SHITHIVE BROADS AND LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE. CTG: thats obviously not gonna happen ?CG: FUCK. ?CG: LOOK. ?CG: ALRIGHT I ADMIT THIS ISN'T PURELY MAGNANIMOUS CONCERN FOR YOUR SAFETY HERE. ?CG: WE'RE ALL SORT OF COOKING UP A PLAN RIGHT NOW. ?CG: MY RIGHT NOW. ?CG: WHICH IF SUCCESSFUL, MAY, AND I DO STRESS MAY, END UP WITH ALL OF US MEETING FACE TO FACE. ?CG: AND WHAT I'D LIKE TO AVOID IF AT ALL POSSIBLE ?CG: IS TO HAVE THIS RENDEZVOUS INSTANTLY DETERIORATE INTO A LOT OF REVOLTING TROLL/HUMAN SLOPPY MAKEOUTS. ?CG: THAT WOULD JUST RUIN IT FOR ME, OK? ?CG: REALLY THE ONLY SCENARIO THAT I AM SURE WOULD CAUSE ME TO REGRET SUCCESS. GOT IT? CEB: er... CEB: do... CEB: you think that vriska is going to try to make out with me? ?CG: SHUT UP. ?CG: I'M NOT ANSWERING YOUR DUMB QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW MUCH SNOGGING YOU'RE IN FOR AND I'M NOT PLAYING INTERSPECIES MATCH MAKER HERE. ?CG: SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS? ?CG: I SHOULDN'T EVEN NEED TO BE SAYING THIS. ?CG: GOD DAMMIT, IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE YOU DON'T HAVE ACTUAL HUMAN FEMALES NEARBY FOR ACTUAL BIOLOGICALLY VIABLE MATESPRITSHIPS! ?CG: DO I HAVE TO DRAW YOU A DIAGRAM??? CEB: rose and jade? CEB: so, uh... CEB: you want us to like, date them? ?CG: WOULD IT REALLY FUCKING KILL YOU TO CONSIDER IT?????? ?CG: I MEAN GOD. WHAT DO YOU EVEN THINK YOU'RE DOING HERE IN THIS GAME? ?CG: YOU'RE CREATING YOUR OWN UNIVERSE TO GO LIVE IN. ?CG: AND JUST HOW DO YOU THINK YOUR SPECIES IS SUPPOSED TO REPOPULATE ITSELF??????????? IDIOTS. CTG: dude CTG: no CTG: just CTG: stop ?CG: OH OK, SO THE ALIEN HERE IS THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED WITH THE PROPAGATION OF YOUR SPECIES. ?CG: THAT MAKES A LOT OF FUCKING SENSE. WHY DON'T YOU WISE THE FUCK UP, COOLDOUCHE? CEB: i think he is right, i think we are all a little young to be thinking about that! ?CG: WELL NO SHIT, NOW YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY. ?CG: BUT WHAT ABOUT LATER? THINK ABOUT THE BIG PICTURE. ?CG: HOW DID HUMANITY GET AS FAR AS IT GOT BEING SO DUMB? CEB: um, also, CEB: we are kinda all related! sort of. through shared ghost slime genes. right? CEB: so, uh... ?CG: OH RIGHT, THE BIZARRE HUMAN ANATHEMA OF INCEST, I FORGOT. CTG: oh my fucking god CTG: please let this conversation not be taking place ?CG: OK WELL LET'S SAY THAT'S HYPOTHETICALLY A PROBLEM, EVEN THOUGH I'M RACKING MY BRAIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY IT WOULD BE. ?CG: I GUESS I WILL HAVE TO DRAW YOU A DIAGRAM, BECAUSE YOU ARE JUST THAT STUPID. ?CG: HERE ?CG: http://tinyurl.com/MATINGDIAGRAMFORMORONS CTG: ok youre by far the worst artist out of any of us CTG: and thats saying something ?CG: SHUT UP I DREW IT FAST ?CG: NOW ?CG: AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE, THERE ARE ONLY TWO SETS OF COMPATIBLE QUADRANTS HERE FOR LEGITIMATE CONCUPISCENT PAIRINGS. ?CG: DAVE AND ROSE ARE "RELATED" ?CG: JADE AND JOHN ARE "RELATED" ?CG: THAT ONLY LEAVES TWO PAIRS. ?CG: ONCE AGAIN, THE DECISIONS PERTAINING TO HUMAN ROMANCE REMAIN STUNNINGLY SIMPLE. ?CG: AND YET I STILL HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME. ?CG: NOW GO HASSLE YOUR FUTURE MATESPRITS AND LEAVE THE TROLL GIRLS ALONE. CTG: thx for the shipping grid bro imma drop everything and go have a baby with jade right now CTG: no peeking k CEB: wow, i have to marry rose? CEB: uh... CEB: wow. ?CG: AND NOW THAT I HAVE SAVED YOUR ENTIRE WORTHLESS SPECIES WITH MY IMPECCABLE ROMANCE BROKERING SKILLS ?CG: I WILL BID YOU A BITTER FUCKING FAREWELL. ?CG: JEGUS I AM SO TIRED. CTG: you should go back to sleep CTG: it was so much cooler when you were asleep and i basically never had to listen to you ever ?CG: I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP CEB: why not? ?CG: BECAUSE I'M TOO TIRED TO EXPLAIN WHY IS WHY. ?CG: YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT LATER. ?CG: MEMO OVER. ?CG: GET OUTTA HERE. ?CG banned CEB from responding to memo.
?CG banned CTG from responding to memo.
|SPRITELOG|
JOHN: nanna, what the heck!!! NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo! NANNASPRITE: John, you remind me so much of your father when he was your age. He was just as easily bested by this crafty old prankstress! JOHN: really? NANNASPRITE: Yes. It would be many years before he would take the gambit in an exchange with your nanna. JOHN: but nanna, did you know he is not really my dad? and also, i am not technically your grandson. JOHN: you are actually sort of my mother. NANNASPRITE: Of course I knew this, John! I have known for many years. NANNASPRITE: I have also known that in a sense, you are my father as well. You were the one to push all those buttons, after all! JOHN: huh, oh yeah. JOHN: don't you find it all a little strange? NANNASPRITE: John, I am the ghost of an old lady with one arm who is dressed like a clown. Why would that seem strange to me? JOHN: heheh. JOHN: so where have you been, nanna? i have been looking all over for you. NANNASPRITE: I have been looking for you too, dear!
|SPRITELOG|
JOHN: you have? NANNASPRITE: Yes! It seems you have been rising through the rungs of your echeladder quite swiftly. JOHN: yeah! JOHN: now i am an ectobiolo... JOHN: ectobiblio... shit! JOHN: (oops! sorry.) JOHN: ectobioblobabby sitter. JOHN: damn it, you know what i mean. NANNASPRITE: Yes, that is quite high. You have climbed so much faster than I did in my youth. I am so proud of you! JOHN: thanks! NANNASPRITE: You should have returned sooner! I could have given you this boon at a much lower rung. JOHN: boon? NANNASPRITE: Here, John. Take this.
|SPRITELOG|
JOHN: ok. what is it? NANNASPRITE: You can use it to summon me wherever you go. NANNASPRITE: Now we needn't endure those long spells without a good visit! JOHN: oh cool, that is great! NANNASPRITE: And now, the most important question of all. NANNASPRITE: When was the last time you have eaten anything, young man?? JOHN: hmm, i guess it has been a good while! JOHN: i've been snacking on gushers a whole lot. bluh... JOHN: i never realized how terrible they were, actually.
|SPRITELOG|
NANNASPRITE: That is completely unacceptable. NANNASPRITE: I will prepare you a healthy home cooked meal while you relax in your ghost bed and rescue your paradox sister. JOHN: oh boy! NANNASPRITE: What would you like? Name what your heart desires. I will use my spooky ghost powers to make it. JOHN: wow, hmm... NANNASPRITE: Why, John! Do you hear that sound? JOHN: uh... no? NANNASPRITE: It sounds as if your meal is nearly finished! JOHN: really? already? NANNASPRITE: BZZZZZ!
|PESTERLOG|
-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
CA: wwho are you tryin to convvince wwith this ludicrous poppycock TT: ? CA: magic is NOT REAL CA: wwhatevver youre doin its not real its somethin else outright entirely CA: its fancy and impressivve and all but its not the fuckin figmental storybook claptrap you wwanna make out like it is CA: so howw about you get off your high skyhorse TT: Why do you keep addressing me as if I'm some sort of spokesperson for the reality of magic? TT: You can't needle me into a defensive posture on the subject. I just don't care. CA: youre not usin magic just DEAL WW IT TT: Fine. You win. TT: These are science wands. I am a charlatan. CA: ok i didnt say that CA: i think you wwear the role pretty wwell wwhich is somethin i can appreciate CA: theres a lot of showwmanship thats put in to comin off as a diabolical sort TT: Thanks for the insinuation that I'm making an effort to project myself as a cartoon villain. What a compliment! CA: wwell fine you dont havve to behavve vvillainous if youre bent up on actin against the grain a your nobility or somesuch CA: i can play that role its not like i evver didnt get my gils dirty before TT: Nobility? What are you talking about? CA: wwell arent you TT: No. What gave you that idea? CA: the wway you CA: ok CA: i had a misconclusion about that so my fault CA: obvviously you got rich blood so maybe when you crash landed you wwerent recognized for it by wwhatevver vvehicle upholds the class structure in human society TT: That is exactly what happened. You figured it out. CA: must of been fuckin brutal raisin up a commonblood wwhen you knew you wwere better than evverybody and its probably got you all messed up inside but maybe theres hope for you CA: see i got a lot a experience bein nobility so ill let you knoww if you got a shot in hell at cuttin it pinkscarf TT: ... CA: fakemage pinkscarf howw does that sound TT: You're a complete idiot. CA: see this is good i think this could be a good thing TT: What? CA: this thing wwe got goin CA: you obvviously hate me and i think i got it in me to get the dark propensities smolderin CA: and wwere both obvviously dangerous elites in nature CA: i think theres somethin there i mean look at howw you evven came into the wworld TT: And how was that? CA: killed a fuckin fuck ton of marine life accidental CA: doin thats all i evver done practically the ocean wwas my killin cauldron TT: Accidentally? TT: Or on porpoise? CA: hahahahaha see youre good wwith fish puns too i got so many a those you havve no idea CA: i just think theres a fate thing here CA: i mean i dont mean to strike you as too forwwardsuch but are you seein wwhere im goin wwith this TT: Oh, right. Alien romance, I forgot. TT: Pass. CA: look i understand you dont understand that kind of thing in your culture i get that CA: but maybe i could teach you to get it TT: That's really sweet of you to offer. CA: yeah and in return maybe you could teach me howw to bullshit magic like that TT: You want to learn magic? CA: yes teach me your secrets wwitch TT: Sure. Let's begin. TT: Consider this your first lesson in showmanship.
|PESTERLOG|
-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
AA: what d0 y0u think y0ure d0ing! AA: just st0p AA: st0p st0p st0p st0p st0p st0p AA: maybe if i say st0p en0ugh s0mething else will happen instead 0f the thing that d0es TT: Hi. AA: y0u arent g0ing t0 st0p are y0u TT: Do you want me to stop using magic too? AA: n0 i d0nt care ab0ut that AA: its y0ur quest t0 tear y0ur sessi0n apart AA: i kn0w its exciting AA: breaking stuff AA: and n0t w0rrying ab0ut it AA: but there are c0nsequences t0 hum0ring y0ur destructive impulses AA: and c0nsequences t0 f0ll0wing TT: ? AA: what they say TT: Who? AA: y0u kn0w wh0 TT: You sound frustrated. TT: Like you know you can't change my mind. TT: I presume your future footage of me has already verified this? AA: i d0nt even need t0 watch y0ur future acti0ns t0 kn0w this AA: the kn0wing is the same as this elusive feeling 0f sickness thats been with me f0r years AA: pr0bably since bef0re i died c0me t0 think 0f it AA: it was always a big setup TT: You died? TT: Revived via dream self, I take it? AA: n0 AA: i never had 0ne AA: s0rt 0f a special case here TT: Hmm. AA: i just wish AA: back when i was behaving recklessly AA: i had s0me0ne t0 tell me t0 st0p listening AA: even if i ended up ign0ring their advice AA: it w0uld have been nice TT: What did they tell you? AA: i was assured i w0uld be saving my race AA: which is maybe still true i d0nt kn0w AA: but if it is then it will be the punchline t0 the vast j0ke TT: Is that anything like the ultimate riddle? AA: y0u really d0nt understand anything yet d0 y0u AA: and yet y0u bug and fuss and meddle AA: with things m0re danger0us than y0u can imagine
|PESTERLOG|
AA: what d0 y0u want with the s0urce 0f the first guardians AA: what g00d d0 y0u really think c0uld c0me 0f it TT: Do you know about it? TT: The sun? AA: y0u cant p0ssibly wield its energy 0r put it t0 c0nstructive use TT: That isn't exactly my plan. AA: y0u w0nt find it either AA: its imp0ssible TT: How do you know that? TT: Could you please share your information with me? AA: n0! AA: y0u still havent gathered that y0ure the pr0blem AA: im thr0ugh with c0nsci0usly c0ntributing t0 inevitable 0utc0mes TT: Well, TT: Aren't you doing that regardless? Right now? AA: 0bvi0usly AA: but im just talking AA: maybe the things i say will indirectly trigger y0ur critical acti0ns AA: maybe n0t wh0 kn0ws AA: maybe!!! AA: maybe if i behave in a manner s0 rand0m AA: parad0x space w0nt kn0w h0w t0 handle it! AA: blah BL00P blee BLUH!@#$%^&*()_+ AA: didnt see that 0ne c0ming did y0u pspace??? + ?*rand(413^612) AA: oh look and now i suddenly refuse to type zeroes in my sentences AA: isnt that crazy! who thought that was even a possibility AA: bslick never would have imagined THAT little vestibule of probability was tucked somewhere in his huge glistening blow sack AA: ribbit ribbit ribbit AA: WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT AA: I JUST CONTROLLED THE RIBBITS AND I DID IT DELIBERATELY TT: O_O AA: hahaha! AA: 0h w0w im sure y0u were just being faceti0us with that but y0u have n0 idea h0w funny that is right n0w AA: y0u had n0 way 0f kn0wing thats a thing i d0 all the time but with zer0es AA: this is great AA: i think im 0n t0 s0mething here AA: maybe if i dig deep en0ugh int0 my circuitry and rer0ute all 0f my reserve p0wer thr0ugh my quantum based rand0m number generat0r i can pr0duce behavi0r s0 c0mpletely 0ff the wall that parad0x space will have n0 ch0ice but t0 change everything! TT: You have circuitry? AA: maybe i will also rig my p0wer s0urce t0 the 0utc0me 0f the functi0n and rand0mly bl0w myself up! AA: that w0uld be just AA: really AA: really AA: really*rand(rand(rand(rand(rand(0M)*0M)*0M)*0M)*0M) where 0M = s0me number drawn quite at rand0m fr0m 0ne 0f y0ur absurd human hats AA: !~M~0~D~N~A~R AA: g00dbye r0se AA: enj0y y0ur rampant indiscreti0ns AA: talk t0 y0u later assuming i havent rand0mly bl0wn myself up! TT: Wait, don't go! TT: You were actually interesting.
Of course you were just venting about all that. Why would you blow yourself up on account of that silly conversation? What rational reason could you possibly have to blow yourself up, or explode from any cause for that matter, now or at any point in the near future?
|PESTERLOG|
-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
AC: :33 < pst :oo TT: Yes? AC: :33 < heyyyyyyyyyy TT: Why, what ever could you want? AC: :33 < ummmmmmmmmm TT: What could it be? I am completely confounded. AC: :33 < sorry to bother you again! AC: :33 < is AC: :33 < um TT: Is what? AC: :33 < he available? TT: Who? TT: What is the name of this mystery fellow you seek? AC: :33 < aaaaa youre just teasing me now! AC: :33 < i f33l bad about bugging you about it AC: :33 < but do you think you could purrhaps please spare your computer for just the most fl33ting of moments? AC: :33 < i miss pounce a lot :(( AC: :33 < and talking to him reminds me of her AC: :33 < sorry for the hassle TT: It's ok. I understand. TT: I think I have a more permanent solution. TT: I mean purrmanent. AC: :33 < yay! :OO
|SPRITELOG|
ROSE: Hi Jaspers. JASPERSPRITE: Hi rose! JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr purr. ROSE: Jaspers, I am releasing you now. ROSE: You are free to go do as you please. JASPERSPRITE: Really rose ok if thats what you want i will go do that. JASPERSPRITE: Oh rose! JASPERSPRITE: Rose did you get to do any of the things that are important to your quest that i said? JASPERSPRITE: Did you learn to play the rain rose? ROSE: Not yet, Jaspers. ROSE: It's a little complicated, but I believe I've embarked on another quest, one which surpasses the scope of the objectives local to this planet. JASPERSPRITE: Meow what :3 ROSE: I'm saying there's something more important to accomplish now. Something more important than creating a universe. JASPERSPRITE: Oh thats ok rose i wouldnt want you to feel obligated to do that. JASPERSPRITE: I think that winning this game and getting the prize is up to you and your friends. JASPERSPRITE: You get to decide whether or not you feel its right to do that and what kind of prize you want to make! JASPERSPRITE: Its part of becoming who youre supposed to become i think. JASPERSPRITE: But i really think you should consider going on the quest i said anyway! ROSE: Why? JASPERSPRITE: Because its not just an important thing to do to win the game. JASPERSPRITE: I dont know i hope im not being too pushy rose its not my place to be im just your cat! JASPERSPRITE: But the thing that made me how i am now seems to really want me to say this to you. JASPERSPRITE: Your quest is really important for you to do. JASPERSPRITE: Not really because thats how to get the prize. JASPERSPRITE: But because its what you need to do for yourself! ROSE: I see. I promise I will consider it seriously then. JASPERSPRITE: Oh good! JASPERSPRITE: I love you rose! I always have even when you were a little girl and i was an alive cat. ROSE: Thanks, Jaspers, that's nice to hear. ROSE: It's hard to remember, but I'm pretty sure I felt the same way back then. JASPERSPRITE: It was fun getting to be your cat again rose even if it was just for a little while and also while being a princess ghost. JASPERSPRITE: Bye rose! ROSE: See you, Jaspers! ROSE: If you see my mother in the course of your travels, tell her I said hello. JASPERSPRITE: Ok I will do that! :3
|PESTERLOG|
-- terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --
TC: AlRiGhT My pInKeSt oF MoThErFuCkIn sTaR MoNkEyS TC: ArE YoU ReAdY TC: To gEt tHe hOrNs yOu dOnT HaVe TC: CoNfIsCaTeD AlL LiKe tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN HoNkTrAbAnD ThEy aRe TC: BeInG AlL IlLiCiT As tHe vAsT JoKe iTsElF TC: AnD ThEn TC: HaNdEd aT RiGhT BaCk tO YoU? TG: what TC: HaHa, SeE BrO, tHiS Is hOw i rOlL TC: I SuPpLy tHe hOrNs tOwArD YoU, mEtApHoRiCaLlY SpEaKiNg TC: SeE, lIkE TC: ThAt's kInD Of a tRoLl mEtApHoR TC: YoU GeTtInG YoUr hOrNs aLl hAnDeD To yOu, If yOu pEePs aNaToMiCaLlY WeRe sUcH To bE LiKe tHaT TC: DoInG ThAt's tO MeAn lIkE YoU GoT MoThErFuCkIn sAsSeD OuT TC: As iN TrOlLeD TC: BuT BrO WhEn i tElL ThAt nOiSe aT YoU TC: Im lIkE DoInG TC: A DoUbLe mEtApHoR AlL ThE WaY TC: AcRoSs sKaIa :o) TC: BeCaUsE My hOrNs iM AlL AbOuT ArE ThEsE FuNnY HoNk hOrNs InStEaD oF hEaD hOrNs TC: LiKe wHaT DoEs cLoWnS UsE TC: AnD WhEn i'm aLl tO InViTe yOu tO GeT A LiTtLe mOtHeRfUcKiN SqUeEzE On TC: It'lL Be a dOwNeD In, StRaIgHt fLaT, bOaRd sIdEd mIrAcLe iF YoU DoN'T GeT ScArEd sHiTtEnT ClOwNcArS TC: ThAt's hOw wE PlAy tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN GaMe TC: HoNk hOnK >:o) TG: oh god thats right TG: you were the best troll TG: i remember now TC: WhOa, I WaS? TG: yeah TG: i mean TG: in the most ironic and hilarious ways possible TG: but that really shouldnt even need to be said TC: ShIt, I MuSt hAvE GoT To nOt rEmEmBeRiNg tHiS SoMeHoW TG: it was months ago for me TG: you did your bizarrely oblivious juggalo thing TG: then bitched and moaned at me for ruining your religion or some horseshit TG: like i guess a weird crisis in faith i dunno TG: and then TG: you kinda got over that i guess TG: and we both proceeded to have one of the best rap-offs in the history of paradox space TG: remember TC: AwW MoThErFuCk, No :o( TC: I MoSt sUrElY wOuLd gEt mY ReMeMbEr oN FoR A BiTcHtItS TiMe hAd lIkE ThAt TC: My mInD'S NoT ThAt sHaRp nOw tHoUgH, iT'S BeEn aGeS SiNcE I HaD A GoOd pIe TG: could be time shit TG: you might not have had the conversation yet TC: DoGg, I DoN'T KnOw tHaT Im aT A PlAcE To eVeN CoNtEmPlAtE FoR EnTeRtAiNiNg tHaT KiNd oF ThInG TC: I DoN'T GeT TiMe TC: I WaSn't tHe dUdE Of tImE TC: I WaS ThE TC: ThE MoThErFuCkIn TC: BaRd oF TC: FuCk TC: I FoRgOt :o( TG: do you remember if you watched any videos TG: from earth TG: that i might have sent TC: nO TG: dude i was telling you TG: youve got to check this out TG: trust me itll lift your spirits shit will all make sense to you finally TG: youll finally figure out who you are and why you worship all this ridiculous clown bullshit TC: Oh, MaN TC: ThIs sOuNdS AmAzInG, i cAn't sEe hOw i wOuLdN'T Be aLl kIcKiNg tHe wIcKeD ShIt oUt Of sUcH KiNdS Of oPpOrTuNiTiEs TG: and also why your planet has faygo for some baffling reason TG: actually no nevermind it doesnt explain that TG: that still makes no damn sense TG: but like TG: the thing youre looking for TG: your dark clownish salvation or whatever the fuck TG: your mirthful messiahs TG: ahahahaha i cant even type that without lmao TG: anyway theyre here dude TG: check it out TG: http://tinyurl.com/MoThErFuCkInMiRaClEs TC: :oO
|PESTERLOG|
-- centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --
CT: D --> I'm attempting to determine what it is that ranks humans in their class stru%ure CT: D --> I'd assumed the color of your b100d would serve as the basis for placement in the hierarchy, as would be e%pected and natural, but I was mistaken CT: D --> I was similarly in error believing the color of what you type corresponds with the color of your b100d TG: it does bro TG: my bloods red CT: D --> Well, obviously CT: D --> I understand that now, I'm not a f001 TG: on earth class is sorted out by who can drop the most delirious flow CT: D --> I see CT: D --> So, in other words, a sort of b100d letting ritual CT: D --> To assess whose pulse is steadiest and thus whose flow is the most STRONG TG: no TG: well yeah TG: verbal pulse TG: rap battles TG: the kings of wordtech ascend to godhood and look down on us patriarchally like urban watermarks in the sky TG: this is like TG: our religion man TG: its fucking serious business its like what our whole culture revolves around CT: D --> Really CT: D --> So your social e%elons are dictated by the noble artform of the ancient slam poets CT: D --> Or the Earth equivalent TG: yeah well TG: used to be dictated TG: til the rapocalypse happened TG: i still believe though TG: in my heart so long as it keeps thumping the righteous beat TG: subwoofing out devotion every which way TG: that he will come TG: our savior TG: was foretold hed come after meteors show up to drop it like its hot TG: and hed gather up the ashes of our civilization and lift it like its heavy TG: fuck im tearing up my ishades are gonna fry CT: D --> I believe CT: D --> That this is probably nonsense CT: D --> I've already been hornswoggled repeatedly by your comrades, who I quite reasonably mistook for your superiors in b100dline CT: D --> Your race makes a habit of deception, and I will not tolerate it CT: D --> You will stop CT: D --> I command that all verbal misdire%ion and hoofbeastplay will cease during my communications, is that understood TG: hahahahaha TG: douche CT: D --> Did I say something entertaining TG: if youre gonna spit that kind of bravado at me im just saying put it in rhyme TG: lets hear what you got tooly mcsnoothole CT: D --> I try to stay engaged with many aristocratic practices CT: D --> But I'm not much of a poet TG: come on CT: D --> My poems are private TG: whatever dude TG: deprivatize them CT: D --> If you're prepared to be particularly forceful about it CT: D --> I may be suitably disgusted to comply TG: just TG: take whatevers in there TG: that brorage lust youre feelin TG: turn that bitch inside out like a broke ass millionaires pockets CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> Those are the sorts of assertive statements which could get me CT: D --> Flowing TG: alright TG: weird but alright TG: you sound wound up TG: but my gears are airtight TG: steer clear a the seer and the knight if youre scared of unfair fights TG: youll drop like the staircase impaired, seein em spareds a fair fuckin rare sight TG: for poor eyes like that millionaire whos pockets i mocked earlier TG: hes paradoxically me but richer and surlier TG: broke as his sword before his stock picks skyrocketed TG: worth more than all the chests lockpicked and gold croc bricks and boonbucks i pickpocketed TG: fillin folios with millions im milkin to pad out my pockets TG: more chock full than sad trollian villains cloggin my blocklist TG: so thoughtful to popul- TG: -ate my slate with propositions to copulate to a spate of hemoerotic hotpix TG: which i posit you got shit of that nature in spades TG: as my shades got you locked in TG: spyin a guy whos eyed more cocks and dicks than i got clocks and they got ticks CT: D --> Just a thought. Let's mock a topic with less awfulness CT: D --> If you'd use the e%cuse to be less culturally myopic, what are your views on abuse to the walking apocrypha CT: D --> Would you choose if duly cued to put your bruising clop to a flock of naughty roboti% TG: ahaha wow YES TG: dont really understand that but yes TG: ok hold that thought im gonna pull this fuckin sword out of the thing
|PESTERLOG|
CT: D --> Perhaps it's that it's martial tacti% that matter for status. Unless you redact this CT: D --> I'd hazard in practice that it's a glass of what's lactic that would impact this CT: D --> Pragmatic to presume? A human metric for grandness stands on fondness in honest CT: D --> For wanton aplomb with strapping song smithing, ripping sonnets of STRONGNESS TG: yes TG: still no clue what this shit means but keep going CT: D --> But perhaps CT: D --> To divine class divides in unclassified swine is butchering time CT: D --> Your fauna I find requires too little strength to savage in rhyme CT: D --> I fear inferiors have monopolized my highest priorities CT: D --> Let's eschew crude inferiors, pursue nude superiorities CT: D --> Review z001ogical peculiarities, great stalking enormities CT: D --> Fle%ing in unison, baying at moons within fraternal sororities TG: holy shit TG: what CT: D --> Great musclebeasts tussle, bu%om in heft CT: D --> With thunderous muscle, buttock to spec TG: what the fuck CT: D --> Connect blows to discover, how invincible pecs are CT: D --> Venture low to uncover, his inimitable nectar TG: oh god TG: ok stop CT: D --> Should song serve to placate one CT: D --> And fortune holds he lactate some CT: D --> STRONG hands tugging teat make great ambrosia collectors TG: hahaha TG: jesus TG: ok maybe youre actually the worst troll TG: im thinking none of that was actually ironic that was all pretty straightup wasnt it CT: D --> What do you mean CT: D --> Are you ordering me to conceal my poems again TG: nevermind TG: god dammit TG: fuckin piece of shit sword TG: wont goddamn budge probably useless anyway CT: D --> It 100ks to be a legendary weapon TG: its a legendary piece of shit
|PESTERLOG|
CT: D --> Giving up on the treasure so easily CT: D --> It strikes me as an artifact rooted in universal lore of nobility CT: D --> As valuable an asset as strength is CT: D --> And as much as anyone with his wits is fond of being STRONG CT: D --> Such weapons require finesse to operate CT: D --> And surely in this case, to retrieve without damaging CT: D --> Hence your no doubt frustrating restraint TG: ok im kinda starting to wonder why youre bugging me now TG: youre a fuckin creepy dude CT: D --> E%cessive force will shatter such weapons CT: D --> We both know this from e%perience TG: what CT: D --> The adult human who trained you CT: D --> And taught you the ways of being STRONG CT: D --> Remember TG: you mean the guy who spent years beating my ass down with a puppet TG: yeah i remember CT: D --> Yes, and now, being learned in the ways of STRONGNESS CT: D --> You like myself are unfortunately limited in the weaponry you may wield CT: D --> Ironically the training which has ennobled you beyond others has made instruments of high b100d brittle in your hands CT: D --> Hence the state of your favored weapon, hobbling your specibus CT: D --> I know what this is like TG: man TG: im not that strong ok TG: just cause i broke a cheap ass sword doesnt make me the fucking hulk CT: D --> Oh TG: what did you go around breaking a bunch of swords too CT: D --> No CT: D --> Bows TG: how the fuck do you even wield a broken bow TG: did you go around clubbing shit with the two halves CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> Sometimes
|PESTERLOG|
CT: D --> What are you doing TG: whats it look like CT: D --> Careful CT: D --> About succumbing to these sorts of destructive CT: D --> Urges CT: D --> Addi%ion is a powerful thing TG: so am i TG: bow down before your new king bitch
|PESTERLOG|
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --
GC: D4V3 GR34T N3WS! GC: 1 FOUND 4 DR4W1NG T4BL3T GC: DO YOU KNOW WH4T TH4T M34NS D4V3? GC: DO YOU KNOW WH4T 1T M34NS W3 C4N G3T? TG: please dont say this party started please dont say this party started GC: TH1S GC: P4RTY GC: ST4RT3D!!!!! >8D TG: god everything is about parties with you GC: D4V3 TH3R3 1S NOTH1NG 3V3N CLOS3 TO B31NG B3TT3R TH4N P4RT13S, COM3 ON TG: ok TG: lets see some fine art then GC: WHY 1T JUST SO H4PP3NS TH4T 1 H4V3 4 FR3SH M4ST3RP13C3 FOR YOU GC: HOT OFF TH3 C4NV4S GC: 4ND ON TO YOUR COMPUT3R GL4SS3S GC: WH3R3 1T W1LL S1ZZL3 YOUR 3Y3B4LLS GC: TSSSSSSSSSSSSSS http://tinyurl.com/D4V3XD4V3 TG: ok that TG: is every bit as shitty as all your other drawings GC: SHUT UP! GC: 1 4M ST1LL SORT OF G3TT1NG TH3 H4NG OF TH1S TH1NG GC: 1 W1LL G3T B3TT3R >:P TG: i like it though you dont gotta improve TG: art skills are overrated GC: TH4NKS D4V3 TG: its kind of weird though what the hell is actually going on here TG: does this mean something GC: Y3S GC: 1T 1S TH3 COM1C R3PR3S3NT4T1ON OF TH3 N3XT L3G OF YOUR WOND3RFUL JOURN3Y GC: YOU KNOW, TH3 ON3 TH4T 1 4M H3LP1NG YOU W1TH 3V3RY ST3P OF TH3 W4Y >:] TG: yeah TG: but TG: why GC: 1 4LR34DY 3XPL41N3D TH1S TO YOU D4V3 GC: TH3 COOLK1D H4S TO B3 TH3 B3ST, 4ND 1 H4V3 TO M4K3 H1M TH3 B3ST TG: alright but TG: i mean even if that made sense which it kind of doesnt TG: karkat was saying how it was all a game and youre just flirtin and stuff TG: and that we should quit it because he doesnt want you in my grill or me in yours or whatever GC: OH, 1S TH4T WH4T H3 S41D??? GC: HMM 1 WOND3R 1F H3 COULD R33K OF J34LOUSY 4NY MOR3 PUNG3NTLY TG: well yeah thats what i thought too TG: and really if we got no other reason keep rolling with it at least theres that one TG: to piss him off GC: W3LL WH4T DO YOU TH1NK D4V3 GC: 4M 1 1N YOUR HUM4N GR1LL? TG: im not saying i know for sure but it seems to me like TG: my grill is your goddamn prison TG: you are practically incarcerated in that fucker TG: doing hard time on a bed of charcoal and lighterfluid TG: privy to what i flame broil from below TG: what im sayin is you got a front row seat to the brown side of my burger TG: hows it smell btw GC: 1T SM3LLS L1K3 D3L1C1OUS BURN1NG 4N1M4LS TG: yeah i thought so TG: so is that whats going on GC: WH4T? TG: is this some weird game involving flirtation and assassinations or whatever GC: OH, 1 DONT KNOW GC: M444444YB3... GC: SH33SH! GC: YOU 4ND H1M 4R3 4L1K3 1N SOM3 W4YS GC: R34LLY BLUNT 4ND L1T3R4L M1ND3D GC: 4ND QU1T3 FR4NKLY JUST 4 L1TTL3 B1T T4CTL3SS WH3N 1T COM3S TO M4N4G1NG TH3 L4D13S! GC: H3 4LW4YS H4D TO KNOW 3X4CTLY WH4T TH3 D34L W4S 4ND 3X4CTLY WH4T MY MOT1V4T1ONS W3R3 4ND WH4T 3V3RYTH1NG M34NT 4ND BLUH BLUH BLUH GC: 1T T4K3S TH3 FUN OUT OF 3V3RYTH1NG! TG: thats pretty much the most insulting thing possible to say im anything like that raving gulf of shit GC: W3LL OK 1M SORT OF 3X4GG3R4T1NG GC: BUT R34LLY GC: SOM3 S1M1L4R1T13S 4R3 TH3R3 GC: 1TS JUST YOUR 1SSU3S 4R3 GC: COOL3R >:] GC: L3SS R1D1CULOUS 4ND TR4G1C TG: issues TG: what are you talking about GC: W3LL, FOR 1NST4NC3 GC: K4RK4T W4S 4LW4YS TORM3NT3D BY H1S P4ST 4ND FUTUR3 S3LV3S GC: 4ND TH31R M1ST4K3S GC: L1T3R4LLY TORM3NT3D BY TH3M 1N TH3S3 4BSURD SCH1ZOPHR3N1C M3MOS GC: 1T W4S 1D34L FU3L FOR H1S S3LF LO4TH1NG GC: H3 B3C4M3 OBS3SS3D W1TH H1MS3LF 4S 4N 3LUS1V3 4DV3RS4RY GC: R4TH3R TH4N JUST B31NG H1MS3LF 1N TH3 MOM3NT 4ND R34L1Z1NG WHO H3 W4S SUPPOS3D TO B3 GC: 4ND W4K1NG UP >:[ TG: wow ok what does that have to do with me GC: NOTH1NG 1N 4 L1T3R4L S3NS3 GC: BUT 1 H4V3 OBS3RV3D YOU D4V3 GC: YOU 4R3 4LW4YS G3TT1NG B41L3D OUT OF J4MS GC: 4T F1RST BY YOUR BRO GC: 4ND TH3N BY YOUR OWN FUTUR3 S3LV3S! GC: 3V3N FUTUR3 D4V3SPR1T3 G3TS 1N ON TH3 4CT OF SHOW1NG UP POOR OLD PR3S3NT D4V3 GC: WH3N DO3S PR3S3NT D4V3 G3T TO ST3P OUT OF TH3 SH4DOW OF 4LL THOS3 FUTUR3 D4V3S?? GC: WH3N DO3S H3 G3T TO B3 TH3 H3RO, TH4T'S WH4T 1 W4NT TO KNOW >:D TG: i dunno i guess maybe when i become future me GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4 GC: TH4T 1S 3X4CTLY WH4T K4RK4T US3D TO S4Y GC: 1T W4S 4LW4YS TH3 4NSW3R TG: fuck who cares TG: like i even give a shit about being a hero whatever that even means TG: im not seeing the problem here future me is awesome he can bail me out if he wants GC: Y3S, 3X4CTLY! GC: B3C4US3 YOU 4R3 COOL 4BOUT YOUR PROBL3M GC: 1NST34D OF 4CT1NG L1K3 4 S1LLY L1TTL3 PUP4 GC: BUT DONT WORRY, ON3 D4Y YOU W1LL G3T TO T4K3 YOUR TURN 4S H3RO! GC: 4ND ON3 D4Y GC: YOU W1LL T4K3 OFF THOS3 DUMB GL4SS3S 4ND L3T M3 G3T 4NOTH3R SN1FF 4T YOUR 3Y3S TG: not gonna happen GC: COM3 ON! GC: 1 ONLY GOT ON3 L1TTL3 WH1FF 4T TH3M GC: WH3N YOU W3R3 4 T1NY P1NK W1GGL3R W1TH 4RMS 4ND L3GS S1TT1NG 1N 4 CR4T3R ON TH4T S4D HORS3 YOU 4T3 GC: TH3Y W3R3 PR3TTY! GC: 1T 1S SO S3LF1SH OF YOU TO K33P TH3M COV3R3D UP GC: 4ND TH3 L4M3 S3CR3CY SURROUND1NG 1T 1S ONC3 4G41N R3M1ND1NG M3 OF 4 C3RT41N YOU KNOW WHO >:| TG: hey look at this change of subject going down TG: about this comic TG: are you saying im about to fall asleep GC: Y3S
|PESTERLOG|
TG: why GC: 1 DO NOT KNOW GC: M4YB3 YOU 4R3 R34LLY T1R3D! GC: YOU DROP SUDD3NLY 4ND SW1FTLY, L1K3 4N 3X3CUT3D F3LON F4C1NG N4PPY JUST1C3 TG: i dont feel tired TG: could be rose waking me up again TG: bonkin me with yarn or some shit GC: OH? TG: can you see in my dreams GC: NO >:[ TG: too bad TG: last time i promised rose id take off my shades and look in the sky for some reason TG: youre gonna miss a hell of a show GC: BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH >XO GC: MOST 4WFUL COOLK1D!!!!! TG: so i guess i have to summon davesprite too GC: Y3S TG: whys that GC: WHY DO YOU TH1NK! GC: TO B41L YOUR STUBBORN SP3CT4CL3D BUTT OUT OF TROUBL3 4G41N TG: huh TG: ok GC: WH3N YOU 4R3 4SL33P, SOON 4 HORD3 OF V3RY POW3RFUL MONST3RS W1LL 3M3RG3 FROM TH3 RU1NS GC: TO D3F3ND TH3 TR34SUR3 YOU H4V3 STOL3N GC: OR D1D YOU TH1NK YOU W3R3 GO1NG TO W4LTZ OUT OF H3R3 W1TH TH4T COOL L3G3ND4RY SWORD 4ND F4C3 NO CONS3QU3NC3S? TG: yeah kinda TG: didnt think this useless horseshit was boss grade loot to be honest GC: W3LL 1T 1S! GC: NOW R3L34S3 M1ST3R OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S, ST4T GC: 4ND H4V3 DR34MS 4S SW33T 4S H3 T4ST3S >:] TG: ok see ya
|SPRITELOG|
DAVESPRITE: oh looks like you got caledfwlch DAVESPRITE: you found that pretty fast DAVE: is that how you pronounce that DAVESPRITE: yeah i guess so DAVESPRITE: i think its welsh DAVE: what are welsh things doing in this game DAVESPRITE: thats an awesome question DAVE: fuck yeah it is DAVE: is this thing as pointless as i think it is or do i need it for something DAVESPRITE: tactically yeah its a downgrade since its what i used to make caledscratch which is obviously way better DAVE: yeah thats what i figured DAVESPRITE: caledscratch cycles the sword through its own timeline to points when its broken or nonbroken or old and rusted or recently forged etc DAVESPRITE: and your snoop snowcone swords probably even better than that so yeah you got options DAVE: fuck it ill just power through the rest of the game with the SORD..... DAVESPRITE: hahahaha DAVESPRITE: with unreal air as a mount fit for a true artifact knight DAVE: yeah DAVE: goddamn jpeg hero DAVE: right here DAVESPRITE: did that shit ever land or what DAVE: dude its long gone DAVE: up in skaia now or something DAVE: thrashing ill grinds on clouds DAVESPRITE: fuck DAVESPRITE: top priority make more DAVESPRITE: thats an order from your celestial fuckin spirit guide DAVE: yeah you got it DAVE: so why wasnt this legendary pos in the sylladex you gave me DAVE: did you chuck it after you alchemized it DAVE: should i just chuck it too DAVESPRITE: it was stolen DAVESPRITE: by one of hephaestus's minions DAVE: hes the denizen right DAVESPRITE: yeah lord of the forge DAVE: isnt that like a greek god DAVE: or roman or whatever DAVE: what is greco roman shit doing in here you know what never mind DAVESPRITE: yeah pretty much DAVESPRITE: anyway he gets pissed off you broke it DAVESPRITE: and he wants it back DAVESPRITE: to do something important with it though not really sure what DAVESPRITE: hes a pretty ornery dude DAVESPRITE: kept raving about how he was waiting for the forge to come DAVESPRITE: which he needs to complete his work DAVESPRITE: but in my timeline the forge would never come DAVESPRITE: so he was extra pissed off DAVE: whats the forge DAVESPRITE: volcano DAVE: huh DAVE: you mean jades volcano DAVESPRITE: yup DAVE: so do you know this stuff cause youre from the future or cause youre a sprite DAVESPRITE: both DAVESPRITE: theres all sorts of stuff i suddenly knew about the game when i became this orange feathery asshole DAVE: so now youre like DAVE: a wise feathery asshole DAVESPRITE: i am fuckin filthy with wisdom its sick DAVESPRITE: i mostly know stuff about your personal quest DAVESPRITE: what used to be my quest but i guess i got to deal with not being alpha dave no more DAVE: yeah i guess DAVESPRITE: shrug DAVESPRITE: its all good DAVESPRITE: anyway that sword DAVESPRITE: its important to getting your shit figured out DAVESPRITE: you were supposed to break it to get it out of the thing DAVESPRITE: like another personal sort of mythological milestone you were supposed to clear DAVE: really DAVE: there was no other way to get it out DAVE: thats kind of retarded DAVESPRITE: well i dont know DAVESPRITE: maybe if john was to try with his pure heart and shit it woulda popped out like a champagne cork and fuckin hero confetti woulda blasted him in the face DAVESPRITE: but you DAVESPRITE: we DAVESPRITE: we had to break it DAVE: ok DAVESPRITE: theres a lot more i know about your quest DAVESPRITE: all tangled up in ridiculous riddles and bullshit enigmas DAVESPRITE: and maybe its all a moot point anyway in this timeline who knows DAVESPRITE: but i think ill spare you all that crap DAVESPRITE: cause its kind of boring DAVESPRITE: and youll find out anyway DAVE: yeah DAVE: that sounds about like something id do if i were you DAVE: which i am DAVE: so hey DAVE: apparently im about to fall asleep
|SPRITELOG|
DAVESPRITE: oh yeah why DAVESPRITE: rose beckoning you again DAVE: yeah probably DAVE: anyway monsters will show up soon and try to eat my sleeping corpse DAVESPRITE: yeah they werent too happy with my reckless indiana jones bullshit either DAVE: yeah DAVE: so thats where you come in DAVESPRITE: i got your back dude dont worry DAVE: ok DAVE: guess ill make myself comfortable here DAVESPRITE: when you wake up DAVESPRITE: ill probably get going DAVE: what do you mean DAVESPRITE: ill just sort of DAVESPRITE: release myself DAVESPRITE: go do my own thing DAVESPRITE: after this i dont think youll need me DAVESPRITE: seems like youve got the stable time loop thing figured out already DAVESPRITE: which means youll be alright DAVESPRITE: future yous will get you out of trouble DAVESPRITE: if youre gonna live up to the responsibility of eventually becoming them DAVESPRITE: and by virtue of loop stability it sort of means you cant technically fuck up anymore DAVESPRITE: but dont let that idea go to your head itll mess you up DAVE: where will you go DAVESPRITE: dunno DAVESPRITE: fly around DAVESPRITE: up away to the sun like a fucknig piece of gargbage DAVESPRITE: see if i can catch up with bro maybe DAVESPRITE: elusive bastard DAVE: oh yeah DAVE: where do you think he is DAVE: what happened to him in your timeline DAVESPRITE: who knows DAVESPRITE: i completely lost track of him DAVESPRITE: in that timeline and this one DAVESPRITE: the dude is fucking inscrutable we both know that DAVE: yeah DAVE: ok good luck with that DAVESPRITE: thanks man
|PESTERLOG|
cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG]
CC: Glub glub. 38) GG: what!!!!! CC: S-E-E?? GG: see what! GG: go away CC: I told you! CC: T)(ere is not)(ing to worry about at all. GG: bluhhh what are you talking about.... GG: my head hurts GG: just stop it, stop trolling me GG: i hate you all!!!!!!!!!!!!! CC: )(oly mackerel, looks like SOM-EON-E woke up on t)(e wrong side of t)(e absurd )(uman bed! CC: C)(ill out, Jade. I am just following up on w)(at I told you earlier. GG: about what! GG: i dont remember talking to you at all CC: About your dream! Your post-dreamdeat)( dreamself's dream. CC: Errr. W)(ic)( is a term I just made up now. 38| GG: my dream was horrible!!! GG: i dont know what that was, i have never dreamed anything like it CC: Yes, I imagine not! You )(ave spent your w)(ole life dreaming about prospit, no? GG: oh god.... GG: prospit :( GG: is it really gone? CC: Yes, Jade. It is time to face t)(e facts! CC: Our moons are gone too. If we wis)( to sleep now, our dreams must take place in t)(e bubbles glubbed by t)(e gods w)(o live in t)(e Furt)(est Ring. CC: It is t)(e infinite space w)(ic)( divides all sessions, completely unnavigable and unfat)(omable, untouc)(ed by t)(e time or space of any universe in existence. CC: Its lords are our slumberbuddies now. 38) GG: uuuuuuuuugh D: CC: Don't be ridiculous. T)(ey are not as dreadful as t)(ey look. CC: In fact, t)(ey are quite )(elpful if you know )(ow to talk to t)(em! CC: Don't you remember our dream? I was trying to s)(ow you t)(at t)(ere is not)(ing to fear. CC: But t)(en... you kind of freaked out! )(umans are so M-ELODRAMATIC. GG: oh...... GG: that was you? CC: )(ELL YEA)(! 38D GG: argh GG: sorry but GG: could you please GG: not use all those stupid parentheses?????? GG: i can hardly read what you type and its giving me a migraine CC: GLUUUUB oh fine. CC: I will suspend my neato quirk just for you. CC: I hereby renounce the royal mark of sea dweller supremacy in the interest of INT-ERSP-ECI-ES DIPLOMACY. GG: what about the -E thing, can you stop that too? it is also annoying and stupid CC: JEGUS JADE. CC: Look! It is like a cool trident I throw sometimes. CC: oooooo ---------------E CC: How is that not awesome! GG: meh :\ CC: Okay, you win. I have officially humbled myself before you. Entirely glubbing peasant-IFICATED for your pleasure. CC: Shall I clip my fins for you as well, your majesty? GG: hehehe GG: ok, sorry for sounding bossy GG: you seem pretty nice, and you sure do look exotic GG: i kind of always thought you were all like GG: a bunch of really obnoxious humans CC: Well, thank you! On both counts, of being likened to something other than an obnoxious human, as well as on my exotic looks. CC: For the record, you look pretty awesomely weird too. CC: I introduced myself before, but since you do not remember, I will do so now. My name is Feferi, and I was going to be the Empress, but now I am not! GG: hey feferi, i would like to remember...... GG: but everything is so foggy right now GG: i remember prospit being attacked GG: and GG: falling..... GG: aaaand GG: i dunno :( GG: do you know what happened? CC: Hell if I know! CC: In your pre-death dream at least. Oh, well you died obviously, so there's that. GG: fffffff GG: yeah, i gathered that! XC CC: All I could see was what happened in your hive. CC: You were asleep, and then your robot exploded. CC: And then your lusus saved you! Kind of like mine saved me. CC: Before she died. 38C GG: ohhhhhhh!!!!! GG: i do remember you! GG: i remember you were talking to me about my lusus, and i had no idea what you were talking about GG: and still sort of dont :\ GG: but you must mean bec GG: also it was shortly before your friend sent me a weird message GG: about how my robot was going to explode, and i should talk to him when it happens GG: this was months ago CC: Oh? Who was that? GG: it was the most awful and angry one GG: i am so sick of him, i really dont want to talk to that pathetic jerk ever CC: Ah, Karkat. Of course. GG: thats his name? CC: Yes, he's our leader. Why did he want you to talk to him? GG: hmmmm GG: thats right, it was about some kind of plan... GG: which he said me from the future told him about? GG: i thought it was total nonsense at the time GG: but GG: i guess he was telling the truth GG: so maybe i should talk to him? i dont know CC: Glubshrug. CC: He's pretty harmless, really. You get used to his yelling. CC: I do not even process it as yelling anymore. More like a lot of blubbering. CC: More blubber spills out of that mouth than a gash in a poached whale. GG: ewwwww CC: Gluuuuuub, I just made myself hungry. 380~ GG: ewwwwwwwwwwww! GG: fish aliens are weird CC: Hey! We're the aristocracy. We've got a duty to be weird. CC: Anyway, go talk to your shoutfriend I guess. GG: ok feferi, it was nice talking to you CC: And hey, if you want to take another nap sometime, let me know! They will be more than happy to glub us up another bubble. GG: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GG: i am never going to sleep again! GG: never never never never never never CC: PSH WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT, MISS HORNLESS MCFINLESS. CC: Why, if I'm not mistaken, you are looking a little drowsy right now. We may meet again sooner than you think. 38D GG: yes, im so tired GG: :( GG: well, ok GG: bye
gardenGnostic [GG] ceased being trolled by cuttlefishCuller [CC]
|PESTERLOG|
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
GG: ok, my robot exploded GG: now what smart guy! CG: HOLY SHIT, IT'S HARLEY CG: COMMUNICATING WITH ME OUT OF NOWHERE OF HER OWN VOLITION CG: HOLD THAT THOUGHT WHILE I GO INFORM MY DISGRACE OF A CLOWN FRIEND ABOUT THIS TRUE REAL LIFE MIRACLE, IT MIGHT LIFT HIS SPIRITS CG: I HAVE TO SPREAD THE WICKED WORD LIKE I'M MASSAGING SHITTY SPARKLEDUST AROUND MY NETHER REGIONS TO ASSUAGE A VICIOUS RASH CG: IT'S LIKE I'M SEASONING A FUCKING STEAK HERE. GG: i knew i would regret this GG: talking to you is so terrible GG: its making my headache worse CG: OH YEAH, BECAUSE TALKING TO YOU HAS JUST BEEN ABSOLUTE EUPHORIA. CG: DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME ABOUT HEADACHES. CG: RIGHT NOW THERE'S A LUMBERJACK SPLITTING WOOD ON MY THINK PAN. CG: HE'S GOT THE FOREARMS OF A CHOLERBEAR, A MOUNTAIN OF LOGS, AND NOTHING BUT FUCKING TIME. GG: uuuugh shut uuuuup! GG: will you just tell me what you wanted? CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. CG: I DIDN'T TELL YOU TO CONTACT ME, NOT THAT I'M NOT TICKLED BY THE SURPRISE. CG: LET'S CATCH UP. HOW IS EVERYTHING? HOW WAS YOUR DEATHNAP?? I CAN ONLY HOPE IT WAS AS REFRESHING AS MINE. CG: WHAT'S THAT? HOW AM I? I'M GREAT, FEEL LIKE A MILLION BOONBANKS EVER SINCE MY LITTLE POWER SNOOZE. CG: STILL PRETTY TIRED THOUGH. YOU LOOK A LITTLE DROWSY YOURSELF. BUT WE WON'T BE GOING BACK TO SLEEP ANY TIME SOON, WILL WE JADE? CG: NO WAY. A PAIR OF FEISTY GOGETTERS LIKE YOU AND ME, WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR DREAMS OF HORRORTERRORS FONDLING EVERY RECESS OF OUR NAKED PSYCHES, PLEASANT THOUGH THEY ARE. CG: YOU HAVE A LOT OF IMPORTANT USELESS SCAMPERING AND GIGGLING TO DO. WHEREAS I HAVE A CRUCIAL DATE WITH A PNEUMATIC DRILL, TO BORE A HOLE IN THE CENTER OF MY FOREHEAD, DEEP INTO THE PLUMP ANGUISH BLADDER WHICH STORES MY ALIEN DISMAY FLUID. THAT'S A REAL THING WE HAVE, FYI. CG: I WILL THEN PERFORM A LITTLE SOFT SHOE NUMBER IN THE PUDDLE OF FLUID THAT ACCUMULATES ON THE FLOOR, WHILE MAKING THE BIGGEST SMILE EVER ATTEMPTED BY SOMEONE NOT CLINICALLY RETARDED. CG: I WILL DO THIS FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT, JADE. TO SAY THANKS FOR EVERYTHING. GG: i cant believe i fell for this GG: it was just a setup to troll me some more GG: why do you go to such lengths to troll me? i just dont understand it CG: TRY TO BE CULTURALLY SENSITIVE CG: TROLLING IS AN ACTIVITY THAT SHARES A NAME WITH MY ENTIRE SPECIES CG: DO I GET ON YOUR CASE FOR ALL THE TERRIBLE HUMANNING YOU DO? GG: thats ridiculous, humanning isnt a word GG: and if it was, it would be a nicer thing to do than trolling! GG: you know what i mean, stop pretending you dont CG: TELL ME JADE CG: WHY ARE YOU SUCH A RACIST? GG: aaaaaaa that is something a troll would say! CG: YES, EXACTLY. CG: I AM A TROLL. IT SEEMS WE ARE ON THE SAME PAGE. GG: i mean you are being patronizing and disingenuous to get a rise out of me GG: and that is really really shitty!!!!!! GG: i am so tired of it, and i am done talking to you forever GG: bye karkat, it was awful knowing you! CG: WAIT CG: OK LOOK CG: I SERIOUSLY, HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. CG: YOU SAY YOUR ROBOT BLEW UP, AND THAT WAS SOME SORT OF SIGNAL TO MESSAGE ME? GG: yes GG: as if my day needed another reason to get worse CG: YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T CONTACT THE RIGHT ME. GG: what does that mean! CG: I MEAN FUTURE ME IS PROBABLY THE ONE TO TALK TO ABOUT THIS. CG: SINCE IT'S ALL NEWS TO ME. GG: is this another prank GG: you are seriously the worst at pranks CG: I DON'T PLAY PRANKS, THAT'S JUVENILE NONSENSE. CG: I DO TWO THINGS AND TWO THINGS ONLY, I DEVASTATE SORRY MOTHERFUCKERS, AND GET SHIT DONE AS AN AWESOME LEADER. CG: IN THIS CASE, I AM ACCOMPLISHING THE LATTER. CG: HERE, CLICK THIS AND WE WILL SOLVE THE MYSTERY TOGETHER. CG: GG: :|
|PESTERLOG|
CCG RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY.
CCG: HEY FUTURE ME, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS EXPLODED JADEBOT BUSINESS? CCG: MUST BE SOMETHING REALLY MISSION CRITICAL, OR JADE WOULDN'T HAVE BOTHERED GETTING IN TOUCH WITH US, RIGHT? CCG: SOMETHING IMPERATIVE TO OUR SURVIVAL NO DOUBT? CCG: HEY DOUCHE BAG, ARE YOU THERE ??? gardenGnostic [?GG] AT ?:?? responded to memo.
?GG: oh jeez, why am i doing this ?GG: this is so stupid! CCG: PIPE DOWN HARLEY, THIS PRACTICALLY DOESN'T EVEN CONCERN YOU AT THIS POINT ?GG: bluhhh youre so funny!!!!! CCG: NOTHING TO SAY, FUTURE ME? CCG: NOT EVEN A FEW PARTING WORDS OF SCORN FOR ME OR THE NARCOLEPTIC IDIOT? CCG: IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE'VE SPARRED, HOW I'VE MISSED THE SWEET STING OF YOUR BARBS ?GG: are you enjoying yourself karkat? CCG: HAHAHA YOU ARE SO DUMB YOU ACTUALLY THINK THIS IS A RUSE. CCG: YOU'VE COME ALL THIS WAY AND YOU STILL DON'T GET THAT ALL THE SHIT WE'VE BEEN TELLING YOU ABOUT IS REAL. CCG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BE PULLING A STUNT LIKE THIS, WHAT A WASTE OF TIME. CCG: I REALLY AM TALKING TO FUTURE ME, HE'S JUST BEING AN EVASIVE TOOL. ?GG: well obviously i know some things youve said are true ?GG: its just hard to take everything at face value when youre always so nasty! CCG: YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY AMAZING HOW BEHIND THE TIMES YOU ARE. CCG: IT'S ALMOST AS IF YOU'VE SLEPT THROUGH THIS WHOLE ADVENTURE CCG: OH WAIT, THAT IS ESSENTIALLY TRUE. CCG: IT WAS HILARIOUS WATCHING YOU GROW UP. CCG: YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD ALL THE ANSWERS, FROLICKING ALL OVER YOUR ISLAND BEING INFURIATINGLY CHIPPER, BUILDING ROBO-BUNNIES LIKE A MORON AND ULTIMATELY RUINING EVERYTHING. CCG: YOU WERE SO SURE YOUR DREAMS TOLD YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEEDED TO KNOW. CCG: AND NOW LOOK AT YOU CCG: YOU SUDDENLY UNDERSTAND JACK SHIT. ?GG: ok i understand that you are another group of players and you are in some sort of trouble ?GG: but maybe if you had been nice to me instead of terrorizing me all those years i would have believed you ?GG: and we could have worked together to solve your problems as well as ours ?GG: it just makes me sad to think thats probably impossible now because you are so angry and stubborn! CCG: DON'T TELL ME WHAT'S IMPOSSIBLE BECAUSE I'M ANGRY AND STUBBORN. CCG: I FUCKING KNOW WHAT THOSE ASSETS MAKE POSSIBLE. CCG: THEY MADE YOU POSSIBLE, GOT IT??? ?GG: uh huh CCG: DO YOU EVEN HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO BE GRACED BY MY DIVINE FURY? CCG: TO HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF GETTING TO BE STUDIED AND MOCKED BY ME FOR YOUR WHOLE PATHETIC MISERABLE LIFE? CCG: DO YOU REALIZE I'M YOUR GOD? YES, YOUR LITERAL GOD, THAT'S RIGHT. ?GG: sure karkat, whatever you say! CCG: AND I HAVE TAKEN TIME OUT OF MY BUSY GODLY SCHEDULE TO SCRUTINIZE YOUR POINTLESS EXISTENCE. CCG: OUT OF THE COUNTLESS TRILLIONS OF LIFE FORMS I BROUGHT INTO REALITY THROUGH ANGRY GRUBFUCK POWER ALONE, I HAVE SELECTED YOU FOR EXAMINATION AND HARASSMENT. CCG: PERSONALLY I THINK THAT WARRANTS A LITTLE GRATITUDE, AND JUST MAYBE, A BIT OF DEFERENCE. CCG: A CURTSY, PERHAPS? CCG: BUT YEAH GO AHEAD AND KEEP BLOWING ME OFF LIKE THE FLAKEY LITTLE TWERP YOU ARE. FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 3 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: HEY DON'T TALK TO HER LIKE THAT YOU UNCOUTH PIECE OF SHIT. FCG: THIS IS REFLECTING POORLY ON BOTH OF US, IT'S GODDAMNED EMBARRASSING. CCG: OH WOW, ANOTHER MIRACLE. CCG: IT MUST BE PERIGEES EVE, BECAUSE GET A LOAD OF THIS HUGE BEHEMOTH LEAVING THAT JUST GOT DRAGGED IN. CCG: JADE, OUR DUTY IS CLEAR. WE MUST DECK THIS TURD TO THE NINES. FCG: OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THAT WAS A CLEVER THING TO SAY. WHAT A DIPSHIT. ?GG: aaauugh what the hell!!! FCG: JADE, I'M SORRY ABOUT PAST ME'S RETARDED BEHAVIOR. FCG: I'M NOT GOING TO DRAG OUT A HUGE APOLOGY OR ANYTHING BECAUSE I ALREADY APOLOGIZED IN AN EARLIER CONVERSATION, OK. I'M JUST LETTING YOU KNOW. CCG: GOD DAMMIT, ARE YOU SERIOUS? CCG: I MEAN, AM I SERIOUS????? CCG: WILL I BE SERIOUS ABOUT THIS SHIT. WILL I REALLY BACK DOWN LIKE A LIMP FRONDED STOOGE? PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE JOKING. FCG: PLEASE, JUST FCG: SHUT UP FCG: I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER THOUGHT FUTURE ME WAS THE STUPID ONE FCG: PAST ME IS THE DUMBEST BUCKET OF FESTERING DISCHARGE I EVER FELL ASS BACKWARDS INTO. FCG: COME ON, YOU KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE. REMEMBER ALL THE PAST USSES WE USED TO TALK TO?? FCG: THEY WERE EVEN PASTER THAN YOU, AND THEREFORE DUMBER. CCG: YEAH, I REMEMBER ALL THOSE DUMBSHIT PAST USSES, BUT THEY DON'T HOLD A FUCKING JACKASS CANDLE TO FUTURE USSES. CCG: AND YOU'RE THE FUTUREST ME I EVER HAD THE CROTCH BLISTERING MISFORTUNE OF JAWING WITH, SO THE FUCKHEAD TROPHY GOES TO YOU. CCG: I MEAN, MY GOD, WHY. CCG: IS PROXIMITY TO THAT NASTY LOOKING SPACETIME RIP ON THE TIMELINE MESSING WITH YOUR HEAD? CCG: IS THAT WHAT'S CAUSING YOU TO FEEL PITY FOR THIS IMBECILE? FCG: LOOK, JADE'S NOT THAT BAD OK. FCG: YOU JUST GOT TOO WORKED UP, AND YOU CAN'T SEE THAT. FCG: AND NOW ALL THIS FROTHING PANDEMONIUM JUMPING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH IS JUST RIDICULOUS OVERCOMPENSATION FOR YOUR OWN SHORTCOMINGS AND MISTAKES, AND MASKING SOME FEELINGS YOU'RE NOT REALLY IN TOUCH WITH. FCG: THIS IS ALL SO OBVIOUS, I'M FLUSHING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER IN EMBARRASSMENT HAVING TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU, AND EVEN WORSE, REMEMBERING HAVING IT EXPLAINED TO ME BY THE SMART ONE THREE HOURS AGO AND STILL ACTING LIKE A MOIST GLOBE EVEN AFTER BEING SO SOUNDLY SCHOOLFED. CCG: I DON'T BELIEVE THIS. PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS A JOKE. FCG: YOU SAID SO YOURSELF, WE DON'T JOKE AROUND. IT'S JUVENILE, REMEMBER. CCG: I'M GOING TO VOMIT. CCG: I'M MAKING A MENTAL NOTE TO SLAP MYSELF THREE HOURS FROM NOW, FOR BEING ENOUGH OF A SAP TO START DEVELOPING RED FEELINGS FOR A DUMB ANNOYING HUMAN, IF I'M READING BETWEEN THE LINES CORRECTLY. FCG: I JUST SLAPPED MYSELF! I REMEMBERED MY LAME NOTE TO MYSELF FROM THREE HOURS AGO, AND THEN SLAPPED MYSELF SPECIFICALLY TO MOCK YOU. FCG: IT STINGS TOO, YOU'LL FEEL IT IN A WHILE. AND THEN THE GHOST OF PAST ME WILL CRY. FCG: PAST ME DOESN'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE. HE'S A STUPID BAWLING WIGGLER PHANTOM. HE'S DEAD, NOT A REAL GUY ANYMORE, LIKE ME. FCG: I'M THE REAL ONE. YOU'RE FAKE, A SHADOW OF A SAD MEMORY THAT PISSED ITS PANTS WHILE SCREAMING. FCG: TIME TO DEAL WITH IT. CCG banned FCG from responding to memo.
FCG unbanned himself from responding to memo.
FCG banned CCG from responding to memo.
CCG unbanned himself from responding to memo.
?GG: i cant take this anymore!!!!!!!! ?GG: i dont even know what im reading here but its preposterous and ive had it! ?GG: i am just so angry, i cant believe i let you push me around all those years ?GG: you are completely out of your mind, i was too nice by just blocking you and typing frowny faces and stuff ?GG: i should have let you HAVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FCG: YES!!!!! FCG: LET THIS FUCKER KNOW THE SCORE JADE. THIS IS HOW WE ROLL. ?GG: SHUT UP!!!!!!! ?GG: future karkat, if you really are future karkat...... ?GG: where do you get off thinking you can just suddenly act like were pals because you said you apologized???? ?GG: if you want to apologize then great i am all ears! but just mentioning it off hand and then yelling at yourself the same way you yell at me all the time as if i need a knight to come save me from yourself is so lame, not to mention completely insane ?GG: i cant even believe the things im typing here! this is so stupid, talking to two of you at once is the worst thing imaginable ?GG: you treat everyone horribly, even yourself, i cant even fathom how awful it is to be you ?GG: past karkat, youre acting like a bigger jerk than he is and i think you know that! why dont you take his advice and grow up ?GG: as if theres even a real difference between you two. three hours is hardly any time at all, you are the same person YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!!!!!!!!! CCG: OH SHIT FCG: YES, THAT WAS GREAT. WE BOTH HAD IT COMING, ESPECIALLY HIM. GREAT WORK JADE. ?GG: stop it!!!! ?GG: ugh, i dont know whats worse, jerk karkat or goofy sycophant karkat ?GG: i cant stand it, whether youre trying to be nice or just being a crazy asshole, you are just so weird!!! ?GG: im through humoring you, i dont even care about this stupid exploded robot mission, whatever that was FCG: OH RIGHT, ABOUT THAT FCG: YEAH WE NEED TO TALK FCG: I MEAN WE HAVE ALREADY FROM MY PERSPECTIVE FCG: BUT YOU'RE GOING TO BE REALLY BUSY SOON, BECAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO ENTER YOUR SESSION FCG: SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT UNTIL YOU DO, THEN JUST HIT ME UP, WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT ?GG: hahaha, FAT CHANCE!!!! FCG: LOOK I KNOW THINGS ARE WEIRD BETWEEN US RIGHT NOW AND YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE MAD. FCG: ESPECIALLY AT THAT LOSER. FCG: BUT THINGS WILL CHANGE, IN TIME YOU'LL SEE I'M NOT QUITE SO AWFUL, OK? ??? turntechGodhead [?TG] AT ?:?? responded to memo.
?TG: ahahahahah oh god ?TG: dude i cant believe you were just getting on our case about hitting on the troll girls ?TG: and then literally the very next memo you are slobbering all over jade ?TG: thats just perfect hahahaha CCG banned ?TG: from responding to memo.
FCG rebanned ?TG: from responding to memo.
?GG: dave wait dont go! ?GG: youve got to save me from this insanity :( FCG: OH I SEE, NOW YOU COULD USE A KNIGHT, HOW VERY INTERESTING, HMMM. FCG: GOD I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO BE FUTURE YOU, SLIGHTLY LESS FUTURE YOU IS SUCH A GOD DAMN PILL ?GG: i cant wait for future you to future kiss my ass! CCG: YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. ?GG: i also cant wait for past you to past drop dead and go to hell, PAST TENSE!!!!!!!! ?GG: when are those things going to happen?? or will have already past/future happened????? ?GG: i want to put another reminder on my finger so i know when its time to throw a party!!!! FCG: HAHAHAHA, YOU HEAR THAT YOU OBSOLETE PILE OF GARBAGE? JADE JUST FLIPPED YOU OFF WITH A COLORFUL FINGER. CCG: MAN, SHE OBVIOUSLY HATES YOU MORE. SHE CALLED YOU A SYCOPHANT WHICH IS A HUNDRED TIMES MORE DESCRIPTIVELY WORSE THAN JUST BEING A RUN OF THE MILL SCUMBAG LIKE ME. CCG: SHE IS TOTALLY ON TO YOU AND HOW DESPICABLE YOU'VE BECOME, CAN YOU BLAME HER FOR HATING US? FCG: NO, I CAN BLAME YOU, YOU'RE THE ONE WITH NO MANNERS WHO'S ALL TWISTED UP INSIDE. FCG: HOW'S THIS FOR A PACT, EVERYBODY. FCG: PAST KARKAT ONLY TALKS TO PAST JADE FROM NOW ON, AND THE TWO OF THEM CAN BICKER LIKE SHITTY LITTLE CHILDREN FOR HOURS/YEARS RESPECTIVELY. FCG: AND FUTURE KARKAT ONLY TALKS TO FUTURE JADE, AN ARRANGEMENT WHEREIN ONLY INTELLIGENT DISCOURSE TAKES PLACE BETWEEN TWO CIVILIZED, MATURE, GROWN ASSED ADULTS. FCG: IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?????? ?GG: jesus will you just ban me already???? ?GG: my head hurts so bad now i think im going to cry FCG: MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST BAN HER ALREADY AND END THIS TORMENT SINCE YOU DRAGGED HER INTO THIS. CCG: FUCK THAT YOU BAN HER. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SEEMS TO "CARE". FCG: WILL YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, MAN THE FUCK UP, AND BAN THIS POOR GIRL ALREADY? ?GG: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa XO ?GG: i will just ban myself!!!! ?GG: *JADE HARLEY BANNED HERSELF FROM RESPONDING TO THE GRUMPY SHIT HEAD MISERY ZONE, AND IS NEVER COMING BACK* ?GG: pchoooooooooooooooo [?GG] ceased responding to memo.
FCG: OK, THERE. SHE'S GONE. FCG: MAYBE NOW YOU GET IT. FCG: HOW HIDEOUS EVERYONE THINKS YOU ARE, MAYBE YOU'LL FINALLY STOP FUCKING EVERYTHING UP. CCG: HUH FCG: WHAT CCG: I THINK CCG: I WAS PROBABLY WRONG ABOUT JADE CCG: SHE'S A LITTLE LESS LAME THAN I THOUGHT FCG: SHHHHSHHSHSHSHSH FCG: SHE CAN STILL READ THIS YOU STUPID FUCK FCG: NOW'S NOT THE TIME TO OPEN YOUR VEINS AND WRITE POEMS ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS CCG: FUCK YOU, I'M JUST VOICING A HARMLESS OBSERVATION OK CCG: IT'S NOT MY BUSINESS IF SOME LUNK HEAD IN THE FUTURE GETS CARRIED AWAY WITH WHATEVER LITTLE THOUGHTS I MAY OR MAY NOT NOW BE THINKING FCG: I... FCG: BUT FCG: HOW COULD THAT EVEN BE A REAL THING I TYPED THREE HOURS AGO, HOW COULD I BE THIS STUPID. FCG: WE ARE JUST THE DUMBEST FUCKERS WHO EVER LIVED AREN'T WE. CCG: SPEAK FOR YOURSELF. FCG: I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE ENERGY TO BAN US. FCG: I'M JUST LEAVING. [FCG] ceased responding to memo.
CCG: YEAH [CCG] ceased responding to memo.
You are suddenly John being the someone who is Jade's server player.
Since you have made short work of a delicious home cooked meal, you decide to bear down on this game. However, aromas from the ghost oven persist. What is that... lasagna? Wow, that smells great. Focus, Egbert, focus!
Since your paradox sister is still napping, you guess it couldn't hurt to set a few things up first.
|PESTERLOG|
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
GG: john are you there??? EB: whoa, hey! EB: you're awake! GG: yes! GG: im so relieved to talk to you and hear youre ok GG: i mean....... GG: are you ok john? your dream self i mean EB: oh, yeah. EB: i am pretty sure that i... EB: he? EB: am/is fine. EB: i woke up on the battlefield which was on fire, and had flaming bits of prospit everywhere. GG: :( GG: yes, but that was not prospit. that was its moon which was severed by the crazy derse agent EB: oh, you mean jack? GG: i dunno! EB: that is his name, karkat told me. EB: i saw him there too. EB: oh!!!!! EB: i also got your present, and it saved my life! GG: really?? :D EB: yes, the bunny was so awesome, it was definitely the best bunny i got today. EB: thank you so much, jade! GG: <3 EB: when jack saw it, he flew the hell away. and then the bunny and i went on an adventure together. EB: does the bunny have a name? i asked him but i don't think he can talk. GG: i dont know! i did not give him one after applying the upgrades GG: i gave her a girls name when i was very young, but now she is a different bunny, and also a boy i guess? GG: its up to you john, he is your bunny EB: oh, i did not even think of that. EB: well if she grew up as a girl, then it's not right for me to suddenly make her a boy. EB: hmm... EB: you have no idea how tempted i am to name her casey again. GG: hahahaha GG: again? EB: yes, i named a young salamander casey earlier, but then i left her at rose's house. GG: you were at roses house?? EB: yes, but she was asleep. EB: also, apparently i am supposed to marry rose. karkat said so. GG: what!!!! EB: it is true, it is a fact from an alien. GG: ugh he is so weird GG: you shouldnt listen to him! EB: heheh, i did not take him that seriously. EB: but karkat is cool, he is angry and funny. GG: D: GG: he is angry and a huge pain in the ass GG: have you ever talked to two of him at once???? EB: haha, no! GG: dont ever do it! you will get a headache EB: that sounds kind of awesome. GG: noooooooo, think again EB: i've got it. EB: i will name her liv tyler. GG: ???? EB: the bunny. GG: :| GG: you mean from armageddon? EB: yeah! GG: john that is so stupid GG: but also kind of cute i guess GG: ok then the bunny will be named after your silly movie star fantasy crush EB: it's too bad i can't marry liv instead of rose. EB: the girl i mean, not the bunny. EB: but i guess she is probably dead now, along with all the other glamorous movie stars who come out to shine on the silver screen. EB: that's pretty sad. GG: yeah...... GG: that reminds me john GG: have you looked in the lab yet? EB: the lab? GG: the big room in the sphere at the top of the tower EB: oh, no. why? GG: could you do me a favor and not look in there? EB: ok. why, is there a secret in there? GG: its nothing that secret or personal or anything.... GG: it is just something kind of sad and weird for you to see EB: what is it? GG: it is my dead dream self GG: it has been there for years, i always knew i would die but i did not realize it would go like this.... EB: oh... EB: errr... GG: what? EB: i have sort of already seen... that. EB: not in the lab, but on the battlefield. GG: oh no!!!!! GG: im sorry john :( EB: it's ok. EB: i was so confused and sad when i saw you lying there... EB: i'd rather not talk about it i guess. GG: i understand EB: but, i wonder... EB: if your dream self died... EB: then what were you just dreaming about now? GG: ummmmmmm GG: i think i would rather not talk about that either EB: ok, that's cool. EB: oh, also... EB: i found your ring. GG: you did???? EB: yes... EB: but then i woke up, and didn't have it anymore. EB: so i am not sure where it is now. GG: oh nooooooo GG: john that ring is really important, it belongs to the white queen! EB: oh, whoa. GG: when you go to sleep again, you should try to find it and keep it safe! EB: ok, i will do that. EB: hey jade, we have a lot to catch up on, but how about later? EB: we have to hurry, remember there is a big meteor heading for you right now? GG: yes i have seen it, it is so huge ._. GG: how much time do you suppose we have? EB: i will find out now!
|PESTERLOG|
EB: ok, we have 10 minutes and 25 seconds. GG: hmmmm i wonder what the significance of that number is EB: why would it be significant? EB: numbers don't always need to have significance! GG: but they usually do! EB: ok, well the number is now less than it was, and therefore less significant. EB: and by less, i mean more! you had better hurry upstairs and make your special item. GG: yes, youre right EB: hey, what do you think we should prototype this fussy little orb with? EB: heheheh, it seems like so long ago that rose fed mine a clown. EB: we were just messing around, we didn't even know what we were doing. GG: i dont know... GG: there are so many possibilities EB: yeah... EB: it's almost like your grandpa put all this crap here knowing we'd have to make that decision. GG: hmmmmmm! GG: yes, it sure seems that way EB: he seems like he was an awesome guy, i would have liked to have the chance to talk to him. GG: well GG: maybe you will get that chance john EB: oh? GG: yes, as a matter of fact i am sure we will both get that chance! GG: i once dreamt that we would EB: huh... EB: wait, are you saying we will prototype him? EB: like i did with nanna, to bring her ghost back to life? EB: as... EB: another ghost? GG: sure, why not! EB: i guess that makes a lot of sense, actually. GG: that is what i believe this game is for in part GG: you got to bring back your nanna, rose brought back her cat, i can bring back grandpa, and dave... GG: dave got to bring back a dead bird because of course he is too cool to have any dead family members EB: yeah, also he brought back himself from the future. EB: who... wasn't dead, but was going to die maybe? i dunno. EB: specifically to save my life, as well as yours, i think. GG: wait, he did???? EB: yes. GG: that is GG: soooo cooooool :O EB: it's pretty neat, i guess. GG: i almost completely forgot i was his server player!!!!! GG: i hope hes not in trouble, i should check on him GG: we probably have so much to catch up on EB: i just messaged him, he is not answering. GG: i dont see him in his house either :( EB: ehhh, he's fine, he has been doing a lot of time traveling. EB: i talked to him from the future, so he must be ok now to make it that far. GG: oh, ok... GG: jeez, i feel so out of the loop :( EB: yes, that is why we need to get you in the loop! EB: the loop being the game. hurry upstairs! your transporty pad thingies take you straight up, right? GG: yes! ok here i go EB: oh, wait!!! GG: what! EB: what do we do about prototyping? EB: we shouldn't put your grandpa in yet, unless we want lots of imps and ogres and stuff that look like your grandpa. GG: augh, nooooooooooooooo EB: we could put in something really lame, to make all the monsters weaker! EB: or at the very least, more ridiculous looking. EB: like one of these weird pictures of blue ladies lying around. EB: what's the deal with those, anyway? GG: oh god, dont get me started :| GG: he was a strange and silly man EB: i guess we could just put nothing in and see what happens. GG: hmmmmmmm, perhaps GG: is that allowed? EB: i don't see why not. EB: maybe i will ask rose, because she suddenly understands everything for some reason. GG: yes, thats a good idea EB: we have ten minutes to think about it. EB: whoops! i mean a lot less than ten minutes! EB: hurry upstairs, go go go!!!
|PESTERLOG|
EB: what is this thing, anyway?? EB: and why is it blocking your transporter? GG: it is some sort of terrible creature my grandpa hunted GG: he called it the typheus minion GG: i always hated it! EB: typheus? EB: like the web browser? GG: i guess so GG: it is probably a coincidence though EB: hmm, i don't know... EB: if you think numbers always mean something, why wouldn't browser names? GG: yeah maybe..... GG: i guess it would make sense for someone to name a really awful web browser after such a hideous monster EB: wow, you sure do hate that thing! GG: well sorry, i just found it sort of a weird and creepy thing to grow up with! EB: i think it is pretty cool. EB: and he is actually sort of cute to be honest, :p GG: :p!!!!!! EB: oh, and screw you, typheus is an awesome browser! EB: it is old school. GG: joooohhhhhn, it is so crappy EB: typheus is the best and that's really all there is to say on the matter. GG: YEAH RIGHT GG: now is obviously not the best time to have the argument about whose browser is better.... GG: but really john you should upgrade to echidna, its so much nicer GG: after you upgrade your clunky old computer of course :P GG: maybe when i am in the game, i can give you one of mine! EB: oh please. EB: i will have you know, miss fancy computer dork... EB: that i DID upgrade my computer. GG: oh??? EB: yes, you are talking to the proud owner of a brand new BILL COSBY COMPUTER, ok? GG: :O EB: it is a stylish laptop in the shape of none other than bill cosby, the comedy LEGEND himself. GG: omg EB: he is looking a little sly, and fatherly, and he is wearing a sweater, and he is bill cosby. EB: i made it with my alchemiter. GG: john that is incredible GG: i cant wait to make stuff like that!!!!!! GG: except... GG: all my awesome stuff exploded with my room :( EB: then you will just have to make lots of NEW awesome stuff! GG: yay!!! EB: ok hold that thought, im going to yank this stupid monster off of the thing.
|PESTERLOG|
GG: what is the problem!!!! EB: oh, nothing. EB: i am just dropping monsters all over the place, that is all. EB: are you upstairs? GG: yes EB: ok, good. EB: i left the cruxite by the lathe, as well as the punched card with the green thingy on it. EB: you should have plenty of time to make it. no drama here! GG: nice! GG: how much time? EB: a little more than 6 minutes. EB: in the meantime, i will try to contact rose and get this prototyping nonsense sorted out. EB: it's so confusing... EB: in my foolishness, i came very close to prototyping your grandpa. GG: D: GG: john, try to be more careful! EB: we very nearly had to face our grandfatherly paradox-dad as a last boss. EB: that would probably be the worst case scenario. GG: um..... GG: what?
|PESTERLOG|
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
EB: rose, i have a question, and i am in a hurry! EB: so hurry up and answer!!! TT: Did you know your planet was on fire? EB: oh. EB: it is? TT: Yes. It makes a good light for reading, actually. EB: ok, haha, that's a confusing thing you said, but that topic will have to wait! EB: jade is minutes away from entering, and i need to decide what to do with this kernel sprite. EB: i really don't want to mess up and do something stupid. EB: i was thinking about not prototyping at all, to not give the monsters any new powers. EB: what do you think, rose? EB: i thought i'd ask since you seem to know all the mysteries. TT: Yes, I do seem to be shadowed by each mystery and its somber cortege of riddles, don't I? EB: yes. EB: that is exactly what i was going to say. TT: First of all, I should preface this conversation by saying I know exactly what you and Jade are going to do. EB: um... EB: ok? TT: The more of our future I've been allowed to see, the more I'm presented with a challenge I'm not very comfortable with. TT: The trolls have tipped us off about what's to come without any regard for the consequences, as appears to be their nature. TT: But maybe that's why it's worked for them. TT: Maybe their indiscretion mingles with the cosmic noise that is the fabric of temporal uncertainty. EB: bluhhhhhh... EB: rose, tick tick tick!!! TT: Sorry, John. TT: I'm just nervous about it. TT: About whether telling you what you definitely will or won't do will alter a predetermined outcome. TT: The result would be a splintered timeline, and we would all be sentenced to eventual oblivion. TT: I'm presently optimistic this has not happened yet, and this is still the alpha timeline. I'd like to keep it that way. EB: oh, wow. EB: you mean like when i died in another dimension, because terezi hornswoggled me? TT: Yes, sort of. TT: It isn't much fun, John. EB: what's not? TT: Living for months in an offshoot reality, waiting for the curtain to drop. EB: oh, ok, i see. EB: well, uh... EB: is there anything you can tell me? TT: Hmm. TT: I guess I can permit myself to tell you this, somewhat definitively. EB: what? TT: Failing to prototype the kernel is the absolute worst thing that you could possibly do. TT: Like, ever. EB: oh no! TT: We would come into possession of all the disasters. TT: Exhaustive possession. Monopolization, in fact. EB: then i guess i will not do that. EB: why is it so bad? TT: Because the battlefield will not be able to heal, and then transform. TT: It will not reach the stage which allows it to become ready to receive our universe. EB: but... EB: i thought you said it wasn't going to be able to make a universe anyway? EB: wasn't it barren or something? TT: Yes. EB: so why is it important? TT: Because if it does not reach this stage, we will not be able to recover the treasure hidden in its core. TT: Which is to say, TT: You will not be able to recover it. TT: When you go to sleep again. EB: OHHHHHH. EB: why didn't you say so, of course the answer is treasure. TT: Yes. This is the treasure that will give us hope. TT: But only if it comes into being in the first place. EB: what is the treasure exactly? TT: John, what is that sound? EB: what sound? TT: It seems to be a ticking noise. EB: aaaahh! EB: yeah, i've got to go. we can chat about treasure later. EB: anyway, i will sort out this prototyping silliness myself. EB: thanks rose!
|PESTERLOG|
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --
GG: dave! GG: are you busy? GG: i dont have much time! GG: i am about to make my entry item, and its a little confusing GG: i think the more players we add, the trickier they are to... um...... GG: activate! GG: like yours was GG: i figured we could brainstorm about it, while john fusses with the kernel GG: helloooooo? TG: nak nak nak GG: :o TG: nak nak nak nak nak nak GG: :\ GG: whaaat....? TG: nakka nakka nak GG: dammit dave!!!!!! GG: this is really urgent! TG: MY GLASSES ARE TALKING TO ME MY GLASSES ARE TALKING TO ME TG: naknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknak GG: ._.
|PESTERLOG|
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
TT: John. EB: blaaauuuuuuuuugh, what happened!!!!! TT: You were sleeping. EB: yes, i know! EB: on the corner of my ghost bed! EB: in the middle of an oil ocean! EB: for some reason!!! TT: Why were you sleeping? TT: Everywhere I look, I see boys taking naps. EB: um... EB: i have no idea. EB: i don't remember what happened, i was in the middle of helping jade... EB: and then... EB: i guess my bed crashed? EB: and i got knocked out i guess. EB: i was dreaming. EB: i couldn't have been out for that long, because my dream was really short. TT: You weren't. TT: Ten minutes, I'd say. TT: What were you dreaming about? EB: i was on the battlefield again. EB: but i did not have time to seek the treasure! TT: I wouldn't imagine so. EB: but... EB: i did see a black guy wrapped up in my ghosty bed sheets. EB: he was acting very suspicious. TT: A black guy? EB: oh... EB: i do not mean like, an african american or anything. EB: like bill cosby. TT: Thanks for clearing that up. EB: r.i.p. bill. :( EB: this fellow had a hard black shell, like all the dead guys do. EB: i followed him for a bit... EB: and then some sorta ruckus transpired, and i woke up. EB: and now jade won't answer! EB: do you know if she's ok? TT: She's fine. TT: But you're not. EB: i'm not? TT: Remember how I said your planet was on fire? EB: oh yeah... EB: that didn't by any chance stop being a thing that was true, did it? TT: It did not. TT: Do you see that pinkish hue behind you, bleeding over the horizon? EB: fuck!!! EB: rose, this is all oil! it'll all just explode any second, won't it??? TT: I don't think the fire's rate of propagation is quite as fast as you're imagining. TT: But the danger is still significant. TT: Especially considering that your bed is sinking. EB: fuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!! TT: Relax. TT: Look to your right.
|PESTERLOG|
TT: This will at least buy you some time. TT: If you stay calm, and we work together, we can get you out of this. TT: I'm practically an expert at escaping fires by now. EB: ok, thank you rose. EB: hey, how do you know these things anyway? EB: can you see me somehow? TT: Yes. TT: I have a crystal ball. EB: oh man, really? TT: Yes. EB: like a magic one? TT: I think so. EB: can it show you the future? EB: is that how you know what's going to happen? TT: No, it can only show me various locations in the present moment, as far as I can tell. TT: My perception of the future has been informed by other sources. EB: like what? TT: Informants. EB: durrrrr. TT: Whispering gods, memories sifted from dreams, cryptic readings from unearthed talismans, conclusions drawn from riddles deciphered - every gambit you'd expect a quest to extend to an emerging seer. TT: Just as I presume an heir would be supplied with what's needed for his maturation, assuming he's looking for it. EB: oh... yeah. EB: point taken. i guess i should be looking, huh? TT: You should probably be doing what you're doing. EB: okay, so... EB: with what you've learned from your dreams and gods and magic and stuff... EB: do you have it all mapped out now? do you know everything? TT: I didn't know why you were asleep, did I? EB: yeah, but... EB: neither did i! TT: I have more pedestrian sources too, you know. TT: Sometimes trolls blither tidbits about the future, and I can't help but take note of it. TT: Just as they do with you. TT: You also have access to the oracle clouds in Skaia, whereas I do not. EB: oh yeah. TT: Knowing the future is no remarkable feat here. TT: It appears to be a fact of life. TT: I'm not all that special, John. EB: ok, buuuuuut... EB: i guess that's not all i'm talking about. EB: you seem a little different. EB: kind of, um... spooky? TT: Really? EB: i just mean that before, it felt like we were in this adventure together, figuring stuff out as we went along. EB: and now you have all the answers! because of magic, and other mysterious reasons! EB: and you want to use your powers to break the game, and i still don't really understand why, and... EB: bluh. TT: I'm not actually trying to caricaturize a grim sorcerer. TT: There's still a perfectly intact piece of my mind which realizes how ridiculous it is to be flying across rainbow oceans with a couple of magic wands and a salamander in a little cowl. TT: And it wasn't without swallowing a little embarrassment that I revealed I was using a crystal ball just now. TT: It's all pretty absurd. TT: And yet, TT: It's been fun, and above all, practical. TT: For solving our problems. EB: ok, yeah, you're right. EB: i guess i just started worryin'... EB: that you are getting away from us! EB: because you know everything, and you're magic, and you have a crystal ball, and a salamander, and you are basically a wizard. EB: and that's cool, and it sure does sound fun... EB: but i kinda think it was more fun when you just did things like read books, and tell jokes. TT: I still read books and tell jokes. EB: BA-DUM PSHHH! TT: John, TT: That was mean. EB: sorry. :(
|PESTERLOG|
EB: well, if you do not have any objection... EB: maybe later, i will drop by your planet again and rescue you, thus breaking the spooky spell put on you by your nefarious, shadowy masters. TT: Swoon! EB: that way you will stop being so grimdark and ominous, and basically completely off the deep end in every way, as is now painfully obvious to anyone with a brain. TT: I will do by best to occupy myself as benignly and unmagically as possible until you show up. EB: yes. EB: please write some happy stories in your journal, about lively horses, and conspicuously not about wizards, or sadness. TT: ... "Happy?" TT: What is this strange, unsad emotion of which you speak? EB: yes, this is good. EB: you see rose, these are jokes. EB: this are what they look like, do not be alarmed. TT: Jokes? TT: Are those the things people say when they want unusual noises to come out of the pliable crescent-shaped holes sometimes found in people's faces? EB: laughs, rose. laaaughs. EB: also, those crescenty looking holes where laughs come out of? EB: those are smiles! EB: observe... :D TT: I need to make a note of this. TT: Excuse me while I open this tome bound in the tanned, writhing flesh of a tortured hellscholar. The screaming will subside shortly. EB: ok, i will wait patiently. TT: Continue to not be alarmed as I record your advice with runes stroked in the black tears bled from the corruption-weary eyes of fifty thousand imaginary occultists. TT: And then brace yourself for the fabled blackdeath trance of the woegothics I will slip into, while quaking in the bloodeldritch throes of the broodfester tongues. EB: no, rose! EB: that sort of nonsense is exactly what is out of the question! EB: i see things are more urgent than i realized. EB: i will have to venture there straightaway, and slap you right out of that silly old trance! TT: One is not easily shaken from the broodfester tongues, John. TT: They are stubborn throes. EB: oh. EB: well shit. TT: Besides, you can't come to my planet right away. TT: You will need to recover the treasure first, because it must be delivered to me. EB: oh yeah. EB: what is this treasure, anyway? EB: and how's it gonna save us! TT: You'd probably be disappointed if I described it. EB: tell me anyway! TT: Ok. TT: It's called The Tumor. EB: ... EB: you're right, that is the shittiest sounding treasure i have ever heard.
|PESTERLOG|
EB: so what is this tumor supposed to do? EB: and what is the significance of... EB: removing it, i guess? EB: does that mean im curing the battlefield or something? EB: like the planet's doctor? EB: hello????? EB: rose????????????? TT: Sorry. TT: I was preoccupied. EB: by what? TT: Oh, let's say, TT: Troll stuff. TT: You know how it is. EB: ???????????????????????????????? TT: Incidentally, looks like you will have your own troll stuff to attend to shortly. EB: i will? TT: Yes. TT: Involving the one who hates you, and the one who likes you. EB: um... EB: which ones are those? TT: You don't have a guess? EB: uh... karkat and vriska? EB: oh god, i was right. there they are now. EB: how did you know? TT: I have to go, John. TT: Talk to your trolls. TT: We'll catch up shortly. EB: wait!!! EB: there's stuff you didn't tell me! EB: what happened with jade? did i mess anything up with the prototyping?? EB: aaaugh, why can't i remember!!!!! EB: don't go yet rose, tell me! EB: rose???????
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
EB: BLUH BLUH EB: HUGE WITCH
Hey check it out. Every week we'll be revealing some new troll characters from Hiveswap until Act 2 is out. Follow the Troll Call here, and meet the first two here. Expect a few more surprises like this to drop in coming weeks.
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DON'S ENTENTE, a golden DOUBLE CULLING FORK, a legendary weapon reserved for royalty, and generally only used for ceremonial purposes.
we left behind
we created
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