By g0m
Friday, June 11, 2010


So I was just looking at the MSPAFA forums the other day, and I saw some pretty cool stuff. Just reading some threads and such, when BAM! I saw some motherfucking Adventorious! When I saw this, my head literally exploded, but I was still alive to witness the glory that is Adventorious. It is the best thing you will ever see.

Adventorious is a Misc. of the Games variety, so if you came here expecting me to talk about an adventure, TOUGH SHIT. The basic premise of the game is that you can play as a character (A unique innovation, I'm told) and interact with other characters. It was created by masterblade600, and he should be credited with creating such a fuckin' awesome game despite clearly having next to no language skills and minor brain damage. It's a really inspirational thing!



Chevisuvius, controlled by PBTatsu

This dude is a stick figure who can fly. He's moderately well drawn with shading and such, and has fairly good and balanced abilities. So FUCK THIS GUY.

Blade, controlled by masterblade600

From the first page of this adventure you know this shit is serious. And why is this? Because of BLADE. He is like if sex was made of chocolate, and then you had sex with that. Just take a look at his first appearance here:



Holy shit you guys, did you SEE that!? He's a demi god- AND a half god. And check out that fucking position! He's just a hero who is standing there all heroic n' shit. He's so badass he doesn't even need punctuation. Guys, I might need a break from writing to work off all these erections.

Andy, controlled by andanotherone

Listen, if you know who Andy is, then you don't need to know why he makes everything better forever. Andy is the stick figure man who everyone else keeps ripping off. Andy is like if Jesus had a baby with Double-Jesus. And yes, he spends most of this adventure pushing people off cliffs. It's why we love the guy!

Other people, controlled by WHO GIVES A FUCK

Seriously!



The best parts about this game are the events. You're just a whiny asshole, so fuck you, but if you were smarter then maybe you could appreciate these events. Here are a few of my favorite events.

The heavenly duel

Yeah, that's right. This game is so amazing that it can't be contained in one adventure. It burst into a SPINOFF, called "The heavenly duel", where Blade and Chevisuvius have a fight although in the canonical continuity of Adventorious they are BFFs (Stop me if the plot gets too complex for you). Let's just take a look at the two characters introducing themselves.



Ah, so we see Chev introducing himself, and making a few threats. That close up is a nice touch. So, let's see how Blade is introduc-



H-holy shit! I was wrong to think that the last introduction could not be bettered. Masterblade600 just ripped my nuts out my throat and beat my expectations to death with them. The rest of you cunts could stand to learn a thing or two from this guy. Look at that use of the rounded rectangle tool. Look at that smile, that implies the worst kind of pain. Are you intimidated? I'm intimidated.

The Demon Lord's destruction

It's a rare thing that something happens that makes you scream in pleasure, and I'm glad to say that andy did it to me. The Demon Lord (seen below),



is a spontaneous boss that was created by masterblade600. Some might say that he wasn't creative enough to find a way to write any sort of narrative, and is only able to string random events together by bashing his head on the keyboard, but your parents are siblings. He operates on a higher plane, and we can only barely comprehend the genius. Anyway, andy just pushes the Demon Lord off a cliff. Seriously, how can you not love this guy?

All ages welcome

It was a nice touch of masterblade600 to keep this a FAMILY forum game.



To conclude, this is the best thing that can ever exist. I'm not even sure why I wrote this article, you probably just clicked the link to Adventorious and never looked back. I don't blame you, honestly. I tried to make a character, but I just couldn't make it to the game's standards. So if you do one thing today, read Adventorious. And if you do two things, then thank masterblade600 for making it. I love him so.

By MalkyTop
Friday, June 11, 2010


The Update. No, not a thing, an actual adventure by Schazer and Yourself (haha insert yourself joke here).
First things first. This adventure has SELF-INSERTION. The people you play are actually Schazer and Yourself (haha another yourself joke). I find this tactic smelly and stupid because obviously these authors are displaying their arrogance. They think they’re all that, that everybody would love to have them as protagonists. That they’re important enough that everybody would immediately know who they are. What jerks.

Except they’re entirely right.

OH SCHAZZY I LOVE YOU YOU’RE SO COOL WITH THAT HAT AND YOUR HANDS ARE SO CRAFTY AND I DON’T MEAN IN THE SICK WAY I MEAN IN CRAFTSMANSHIP EXCEPT YOU’RE A WOMAN THOUGH IF YOU WANT TO BE A MAN OF JOURNALISM THAT’S FINE BY ME LET ME BEAR YOUR BAAAAABBBIIIIEEEESSSS

Oh cruel fate, why must we be forever separated on opposite sides of the world? Separated by space and time! You forever one day ahead! It’s agonizing, truly a drama for the ages, Romeo and Juliet, though I hate that play and Shakespeare should die though he already has—




My editor told me to at least sound unbiased or I’m fired. NOT THAT I GET PAID ANYWAYS.

So, The Update. Schazer and Yourself (haha alright stop those yourself jokes already they’re not funny) are (amateur) MEN OF JOURNALISM and they’re looking for a story. That’s it. Nothing else happens. You see, The Update is a truly fitting name, as there has only been one update ever since it was created. Many would say that is a silly, stupid joke and they were horrible to pull one over us readers but I appreciate the symbolism and the thought put into this delightful scheme and SCHAZZMATAZZ YOU ARE THE GREATEST AT EVERYTHING I BET YOU’RE GOOD AT CHESS TOO I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I MADE A SQUID HAT JUST TO BE LIKE YOU YOU’RE AMAZING ANYBODY WHO THINKS OTHERWISE ARE BASTARDS WITH NO LIFE WHO LIVE IN THE BASEMENT AND I GUESS THAT DESCRIBES ME AS WELL BECAUSE I AM SCUM BUT EVEN SCUM ARE ATTRACTED TO GODLY GREATNESS—



Uh. Um. So. The Update. SCHAZER YOU MAGNIFICENT BEAST TAKE ME AWAY SO THAT WE MAY RIDE OFF INTO—




Um, er, I’m to stop talking about The Update now. Uh. Um. I’m not sure what else to…oh! I know! Bearded swordsmen! What’s up with that?! I had to draw like thirty bearded swordsmen for the Grand Battles! Why so many bearded swordsmen, people!? And it was so hard drawing them all differently! They all have like, beards! And swords! What am I supposed to do?! You people with your human characters with swords! I couldn’t even tell how to draw the beard! It was all ‘scruffy’ or ‘almost like a hobo’ or ‘rugged’! The hell! That doesn’t mean anything, you bastards! You unimaginative bastards! Why don’t you look up certain beard names? Like a Van dyke beard! Then I’d know what I’m supposed to draw! Or a Lincoln beard! You’re all derivative worms! I’m gonna marry Schazzy and then we’ll go and KICK ALLA YER ASSES YOU—

By SleepingOrange
Friday, June 11, 2010


It's been a month since you've gotten your Truthtimins, and that's terrible. I kept waiting for g0m to hammer out an article we discussed, but that lazy Irish bastard has all the work ethic of... Me basically. And between that and Malky's schoolwork, overachievement, and that weird habit of updating her adventures, things have been moving pretty slowly lately. I intend to fix that, for all of the four people who have heard of the community portal.


Okay, so. I was given a pretty neat idea of likening Deadbeat to a commentary on the shitty economy; I had some pretty fun stuff planned out, actually, but after months of trying to find a job in the midst of 11% unemployment, I think I might blow my brains out if I had to think any more about ECONONY, so... Scrappin' that idea. Besides, lately something of even more import to forumites has begun brewing.


I'm talking, of course, about the upcoming Forum Civil Wars. The distance between the forums are widening, and animosity is at an all-time high; General Chat openly talks about its disdain for MSPA, while MSPAFA sneers at the pointless Gen Chat threads and superfluous TRIBAL CHALLENGES!!!!!!!!!!!. MSPA of course hates everyone and everything, rabidly decrying anything not relateed to Homestuck as they cling to their StitchxDroog and SpadexEveryone.


Things haven't built to a head yet, but judging from the preponderance of bad feeling, it's inevitable. I only hope that this article will cause everyone to realize how foolish they're being and come to an amicable conclusion, filled with harmony and understanding. Or at least escalate things humorously, everyone loves a good scrap.


They way I see it going down, assuming this heartfelt plea doesn't stop it, will leave the forum in shambles and the few remaining forumgoers holed up in their repsective barren forums, firing potshots at each other and sockpuppetting endless troll accounts to drive out their opponents. MSPA, as the most excitable and ostensibly largest bunch, will probably fire the first shots, likely without declaring anything first. General Chat will be the target of their ire I suspect, as it has the fewest dual citizens and the most overt dislike for MSPAFA; the counterattack will likely be lead by whetothex and HellaBro and their kind, charismatic and enigmatic men of action and satire who can recruit some MSPAFAlings to their cause. The secret forums of course barely bear mentioning, given that Mod is... well, full of mods, and Music is already a flaming hailstorm of anger and drama, both serving more to facilitate the community rather than serve as communities themselves. Both will probably escape relatively unscathed. There's really not much scathing one could DO to them.


General chat doubtless has the best soldiers, but MSPA has inordinate numbers; MSPAFA would be a bigger force to reckon with if it weren't for their minute attention spans and inability to commit. Art and Media will likely not play much of a role in the coming hostilities since they have few dedicated members and fewer posts per day; the fact that they serve essentially as a neutral ground will however draw some of the more multiforumed users away and remove them from the potential pool of warriors for any other forum. This, compounded with MSPAFA's flighty nature, will cause Gen Chat and MSPAFA's truce to crumble, likely before a week into the conflict.


Powerful and soon-to-be-legendary figures will arise as the war stretches. Wheeeeeeatthins will take out a sizable portion of MSPA with sadly-kamikaze assault of terrifying gifs and disdain; Arcana will rally the remaining troops and direct the romart greats in a glorious campaign of bloody gay makeouts which will flood Gen Chat. Red Herring will be brought back from the ether to infiltrate MSPAFA, resurrecting her endless dead adventures to storm the forum in a necrotic tide of autocorrected line wiggle and sass. Enraged, MSPAFA will send Knask and Awakelemon in a dual-pronged artistic assault on the other forums; under the cover of that attack, Donelle will mysteriously reappear to snipe important MSPA targets with an onslaught of obscenity and sexual aspersions.


Unfortunately for all, no one faction is well-organized enough to achieve a decisive victory. Earlier in the column I used the phrase "Forum Civil Wars", and the plural wasn't a mistake. The infamously-schizophrenic MSPA forum will turn on itself first, filled as it already is with internal conflict which will go from sass and Fandom!Secrets to overt fighting and unmoderatable drama in the blink of an eye. MSPAFA too will fall victim to its own infighting, old feuds and broken collaborations spawning scrums at just the wrong times under the careful insidious direction of shady Gen Chat double agents. General Chat, with the highest concentration of admins and notable members, should be in a better position to take advantage of the chaos and carnage, but there are so few dedicated posters that most of their forces are scattered and fighting at cross purposes. As the number of remaining forumgoers dwindle and interforum conflict continues to become more and more perfunctory in favor of infraboard backbiting, few quality posters will remain.


The few remaining refuges for the relatively-peaceful members will be a few isolated IRC rooms and the aforementioned neutral forums. Creativity and teamfriendliness will stagnate and deteriorate, and even those who weathered the conflict will drop off slowly as the memories of what the forums once were overpower their desire to make a better tomorrow. A tiny society, twisted and parodical of the original one, will gradually appear, built on mistrust and insular xenophobia. All the while, Homestuck will go on, Great Deity Godhead Andrew turning a blind third eye to his people's suffering.


All in all... Exciting times to come, forumlets.

By SleepingOrange
Tuesday, April 27,2010


Judging from the traffic meta and misc and its subforums get, Betelgeuse made a mistake when setting them up: rather than label them "Games" and "Collab/Roleplay", she called them "Here Be Dragynns" and "Come in Here and You're a Cockfag". While I appreciate that dragons and homosexuality are threatening, you kiddos need to suck it up and at least take a look around. They've got some pretty cool stuff in them. Today's superfacts are all about our neglected subsubfora and why you belong there.


Firs, I guess I should explain why there are three forums for MSPAFA meta and misc. Originally there was but the one; MSPAFAgoers lived and worked in harmony, creating collaborative projects, competitive but friendly games, fanart, and RPs. All was well, and it was good. Gradually, though, a trend arose; no-one took notice, as trends came and went all the time, but this one was to be different. Slowly at first, but faster as it went, an insidious series of threads began choking the idyllic world of Meta, reproducing faster than we could deal with them, bumping venerable topics to the third and fourth pages, causing RPs to be forgotten and games abandoned. Meta cracked under their weight, and apathy overtook the once-bustling subforum. The dark days had begun, and our antagonists had a name.


DUELs.


It was a brilliantly-planned and -executed coup. The Recond- er, the secret enemy dedicated to bringing down Meta hatched a plot that was elegant in its simplicity and perfect in its stopping power: create a game with rules so simple, adaptable, and open that endless permutations could be spawned without it being stale; make sure the minimum of players can play in any given instance so that as many people as possible will make their own; make it addictive, but reliant on punctuality, so people would start more as their early ones die. Fiendish.


No-one knows for sure who started the movement. It's easy enough to find who made the first DUEL, or even the first proto-DUELs, but it's impossible to determine if someone saw an idea with potential and expanded on it, or if the original DUELs were instigated by insidious idea-planning, or if it really is as obvious as "the first DUEL was the progenitor of the plague". It's largely immaterial either way. The damage was done.


Meta obviously didn't die overnight; the dedicated forumgoers did their best to keep their topics afloat, even starting new ones, but under the endless onslaught of DUELs, it was hopeless. The subforum went dark, and as it died, so too did the DUELs; it hardly mattered, though. They'd served their purpose.


Months passed, the benevolent mods entreating the higher powers to intervene. Promises were made and forgotten, and much nagging was done, until one day, it happened. In the depths of Meta, two new forums were born; after the effort of many days and through the toil of one lone mod, the topics were sorted and the new Meta-In-Three was open for business.


The community was understandably reticent to enter. DUELs hadn't been abolished, merely relegated to one section, and ostensibly the group or person that had hoped to destroy meta was still lurking, unseen. On top of that, people had to click ONE WHOLE EXTRA THING to find the topic they wanted. Harsh and unreasonable. There was outcry against the new sorting, probably instigated by those who had just had their victory over Meta snatched away from them, but the decision stood, and stands to this day.


Of course attempts were made to revive the DUEL menace or create new Meta-strangling fads (RTD comes to mind of course), but with the separation of topics, it was impossible to clutter all three parts of Meta at once, and without three pages of the same type of topic, people were less inspired to make their own and join the fad. Several have come and gone.


So, there's the history. Now, for the present. The three sections of Meta are "MSPA FA Meta and Misc", "Games", and "Collab/Roleplay". Games is pretty obvious: it has games! You play them, you win them, you lose them, or most often, you get bored of them in under a week and abandon them to fester as a couple of players keep tying to bump them and entreat you back. Right now the exciting world of Games has to offer: at least 10 Roll The Dice games, endless DUELs, a handful of high-concept strategy games that nobody cares about or updates, and some two dozen Expendables, a game wherein the players repeatedly die in embarassing, annoying, and pointless ways. On top of that, Nomic is always looking for new players, so if bickering, parliamentary procedure, and backroom democracy in the greatest tradition of American politics are your thing, sign up today. With all this excitement, I'm not sure why you're still reading this article when you could be playing GAMES HELL YEAH.


Collab/Roleplay is a little more nebulous but still pretty simple. RPs and collaborative story projects go here, as well as anyTHING I SAY GOES THERE SHUT UP YOU WHINERS GODDAMMIT I WILL BURN YOUR HOUSE. Also Grand Battles, despite their competitive nature. Right now you can head over and watch seven or so games of Traveller, five or six GURPS campaigns, some D&D, and a few open-ended RPs with no real rules. No you can't join any of them they're full up start your own you peasant. Plus, you can read the tens of thousands of words that make up the collectively-novel-length Grand Battles and goggle at the obvious lack of lives that these dedicated writers have. Tired of your life sucking so much? Come to Collab/Roleplay and be a furry dragon or some shit. Mary-Sues and self-inserts of all natures welcome, we promise.


The remaining Meta and Misc is for stuff that doesn't really fit in well in the other two. His Scene, Her Style is a delightfully onanistic little chain of fanarts; have a shitty adventure that nobody likes? Go to HS,HS and draw a scribble for someone and then they'll be obligated to do fanart for it! Like Eduventure? Metacation--DEMOCRACY QUEST is an offshoot that lets fans have their own Eduventure characters that interact with the one and only Carlyle Quantis! Except not you because you were too slow. Got questions about how to not suck at drawing so bad or what tablet to get or want another artist to draw your adventure for you? Start yet another topic to that effect and get the same answer we've given a million people! (practice, Wacom, fuck no do it yourself) Just go there and see what we have to offer. Each thread is a unique butterflysnowflakeangel and describing them all would take too long.


So I guess that's about it really. A factually-accurate history, an enticing and ingenuous description of each section, and my usual charm and grace. You're pretty lucky I write for you, you know? This is exactly why I get paid way more than MalkyTop Ed Note: ... Next time I feel like writing, I'll probably be doing another adventure or something I dunno. PM me if you have something in mind and I will completely fail to mock you and maybe even use your idea maybe I guess possibly. Until next time, this has been SleepingOrange for Hyper Objective Superfacts.


And after next time it still will have been I suppose. It's not like I have some sort of conditional identity. How weird would that be?

by MalkyTop
Saturday, April 17, 2010

Today as I was bustling along to second period, I saw a girl suddenly shove her way through the hallway crowd like a pompous primadonna pushes aside stage curtains, shrieking “OUTTA MY WAY!”, and eventually kicking my sister in the shin. As an argument ensued, I was struck by a sudden realization: our adventures are corrupted by communism.

“Malky,” you may gasp. “Wheretofore do you mean?”

It hurts me to say it, but I feel that my job as an amateur reporter is more important than my feelings, mostly because I’m getting paid. (I am, right?) Ed Note: No.

What do Afterlife, Grand Bus Adventure and Adventures in Paint all have in common? Well, they’re pretty sweet adventures. But also, their protagonists are (or at least start out) as blank, bald, uncolored men.

And this phenomenon is not confined to just those three. There are hundreds of adventures out there that I can’t bother to even look up with these pseudo-stick figures as main characters. How does this relate to communism? Well, think about it. They all look the same. These adventures support conformity. Communism is everything evil in the world and the idea of conformity is part of the overall evilness. (Have you guys even read any of the great dystopian fictions?) We need classes in our social system! Otherwise, who would we upperclassmen spit upon? (Have you ever felt a drop of rain and look up to see a cloudless sky? That was us.)

“Malky,” you may say with a half-hidden smirk. “I respect your artistic skills and your opinions, but I really do believe you’re overthinking this.”

To which I say: shut up, my art is no good, and I’m completely right. It says so right there in the title, doesn’t it? "Hyper Objective Superfacts"? Everything I say here is completely true. Oh sure, some people have tried to hide their bleeding-heart communism, but they’re no match for my discerning eye of truth! It may be painful to you to hear this, but it's the truth, so DEAL WITH IT.

Cacto Fantastico del Senior is just a guy with a hat. His girlfriend is the same guy with a wig and breasts. Jobless Deadbeat is just a guy with a pan and a five o’ clock shadow. Osiris is just a guy with a stupid grin, long sleeves, and a crazy wig. Arthur is a guy with orange skin. While the main cast of Fencing Club Adventures seem unique, every other club appears to be made up of the same guy, copy and pasted and that counts as a point towards my argument. Even the beloved Eduventure is not free of this evil taint. How? Sure, every character may look unique, but they’re all using the same base. And I’m not going to even approach the subject of that smelly Andrew Hussie.

Alright, I will. In Jailbreak it's pretty obvious so I’m sure even you readers can see it. In Problem Sleuth, the various detectives are all the same, just with different heights, and their female counterparts are of course the same people but with wigs. (Mr. Hussie doesn’t even try to hide it in the case of AD.) Homestuck has the same general base for each type of character. The parents are even faceless! Like faceless drones! Communism, I say!

These authors are worse than dirty communists. They’re dirty traitor communists. They’re dirty fascist communist traitors. Dirty, filthy, skimpy, trashy, facist communist columnists. Traitors.

I am very, very disappointed in you all. But I’m a loving, caring woman. I forgive most of you because I know deep inside, you all are really patriotic in some little way. I will let you off with a light punishment. In a moment, you will all be shipped off to some uncharted island with a gun so that you may think of what you have done and maybe kill some wild boars.

by SleepingOrange
April 13, 2010

Alright, troglodytes, mouth-breathers, and assorted internet offal, it's time for some hyper objective superfacts. You see how I tied in the title with the introduction? No, you probably didn't. You were probably too busy trying to figure out that whole tricky "scrolling" nonsense that's always giving you trouble, or the title merely slipped into the gaping, inescapable chasm that is your shitty memory. Whichever.


Alright, I'm done with this abuse schtick. g0m does it better than I do and frankly it's sort of a dick move to bite the guy's style like this, to say nothing of the fact that our superior writing group needs some stylistic variety. What I will do is provide the facts that our column is named after in an engaging and incontrovertible way, without insulting your intelligence any more than pointing out the obvious that you probably missed will.


Two paragraphs in: no real content. Given that this is an article on the internet, for the internet, I'm batting a thousand. I could probably drag this out for another whole paragraph pretty easily, but where's the fun in that? Okay. Pokemon Obsidian. Given that the adventure can go for five pages of idle chat and discussion between updates, you've probably already read it. You've probably seen the absurd debates about alignment and good versus evil that tend to spring up. Heck, chances are you've probably contributed or seconded or made some sort of post in the thread. Given the nature of the preponderance of posts in that thread, your comment probably hurt me inside at least a little bit. But that's okay. You can't be blamed for your shortcomings.


Since you've already seen it, hypothetical reader made of statistics I made up, there's no real reason to summarize the plot. Then again, given that the 25-page thread has had 11 updates, including the first post, it won't take too long anyway. I guess I might as well; there have got to be some outliers. The first several updates are pretty stock pokémon-adventure setup, to be honest. Pick a gender and name (automatically male, in this case — this becomes more relevant later), withdraw items from PC, name rival(s), meet professor... Standard stuff up to now. The only important deviations from the formula thus far are: the standard pre-game dream-sequence includes foreshadow-y mention of Gardevoir, the character is 18 rather than the standard 10 or unmentioned age, and the rival is actually three rivals. Triplets. And girls, no less. Also half-black but that's pretty immaterial on the whole; as you'll see, the subtext of this adventure is all about sex and morality, not race.


So our protagonist Sid heads on over to meet the good professor, intent on garnering a baby war machine to pit against other tiny killers for fun and profit. But SHOCKING TWIST, your rivals have bogarted all the starters for this whole year. Actually, it's even worse: Professor Hemlock, another woman, has given all the pokémon to your rivals, without a thought for, or even being aware of, you. Surely you're following, yes? Your rivals ask which one you would have picked, given the opportunity — the author literally tells the reader that the question refers to the girl, not the pokémon. The readers pick fire (Gypsum), and the girls interact with Sid a bit more; each brings to bear their own particular brand of abuse. Opal (water) is overtly rude and disdainful, Gypsum is belittling and snide, and Anais (grass) barely pays Sid a passing glance.


Hemlock deigns to get some forms for Sid that will let him requisition a pokémon from the breeders in the next town over (in so doing revealing that she is a member of the recondite antagonistic force, Team Bidoofpocalypse) and saddles the triplets with the task of leading you to the next town over, because it would be dangerous to go without a girl's help. Opal and Anais promptly ditch you, leaving a sarcastic Gypsum to take you by the hand. Sid takes a moment to call his mother before leaving, receiving for his trouble a terse, awkward conversation ending in "I love you, mom" "Yeah, I agree".


Gypsum and Sid finally leave. It's pouring rain, and Gypsum takes a moment to clear the sky with her pokémon's Sunny Day move. Particularly heavy-handed symbolism for Sid's impotence in this case, followed immediately by more denigrating nicknames and more proof that Sid has the same ability to talk to attractive women as twelve-year-old boys. Befuddling side note at this point:





OBVIOUSLY ZOROARK. To think otherwise would just be sickeningly foolish. Hecthur, you had to know only people you pointed that out to and I would notice your little insert there. What is it supposed to mean?


So anyway, uh, right. Banter, Sid being pathetic, so on. Gypsum gets a phone call and leaves Sid for a minute to take it. Sid sits down and fiddles with his pokedex when suddenly missingno appears before him! The famous glitch transports him to a featureless white void, where the towering figure of Arceus stands over Sid (okay, he's insignificant, we get it sheesh) and tells him YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE. Sid wakes up with no real memory of what happened, and discovers an injured Ralts. Great pacing, skippy. The Ralts begs him not to catch her (the Ralts is yet another female), and Sid agonizes over whether to catch or heal the thing.


In the end, he decides to heal her wounds and take her to the pokémon center for more advanced care. The Ralts, whom he names Galena, is grateful, and decides that maybe later she will allow him to catch her. As they begin to head towards the next town, another trainer, dressed in goofy overalls and armed with a Poochyena, approaches, insisting on battle. Sid tries to keep him from attacking, but the trainer ignores him and sends his Poochyena at the defenseless and injured Galena. Sid takes the bite himself, and proceeds to beat the everloving shit out of the Poochyena. In his violent outburst, he starts to enjoy inflicting pain on the little dog, and Galena's empathic link picks up on this; she manifests a new psychic power and unleashes it on the now-harmless trainer, who sees visions and collapses, bleeding from his eyes, ears, and nose.


Sid scoops up Galena and high-tails it to Macana town. The two share a nervous chuckle about how much they enjoyed the battle, as they stare at the "Welcome to Macana Town" sign. And that's where the adventure ends, for now.


So, this is the part where I point out all the things you might have missed. Take an English class, seriously.


Sid is gay: Evidence abounds. From his fumbling dealings with women, to his needy-repayed-with-coldness relationship with his mother, to his obvious disinterest in the cleavagey Gypsum, this should be self-evident. His first pokémon is even a Ralts, known for crossdressing as it evolves. Heck, he tried to name himself Poopbutt von Hugedick! No need to expound further on this one.


Sid is a projection of Hecthur: Hecthur may not even realize this one himself, but it's true. While every adventure protagonist has an element of self-insert, this one goes all the way. Pokémon Obsidian isn't so much about monsters and adventures therewith as it is Hecthur's subconscious exploration of his own life and feelings through the medium of superpowered animals. To drive the point home, Hechtur's avatar is himself behind a flimsy mask as Sid; the symbolism is obvious.


Hecthur is therefore gay: if a=b and b=c, a=c. You're almost certain that's the reflexive property.


Hechtur hates gays: Classic self-hating homosexuality here. Hecthur is likely a member of a faith that deems homosexuality sinful, and therefore sees himself as abominable or at least unclean; in his only in-comic appearance, he appears as shadowy and demonic, with claws for hands. But how do I come to this conclusion? Arceus, who in the pokémon mythology is essentially God, tells Sid he shouldn't exist. Come on, I'm sure you can read between the lines on your own. It couldn't be any more obvious. Just look at the author's clumsy attempts to force Sid into heteronormative pairings, only to be stymied by his own failings. Tragic.


Hechtur hates women: Gays AND women, SleepingOrange? Surely you jest! But, dear reader, I do not. Look at every female character in the story: Hemlock is dismissive and condescending; Gypsum is sarcastic and demeaning; Opal is rude and dismissive; Anais and Sid's own mother are cold and ignore him; even Galena, who was initially sweet and innocent, becomes at the first opportunity violent and psychotic. Hecthur's conflicted mind knows he should like women, that that's what good men do, so he surrounds himself with them, but he can't bring himself to see them as anything but hateful and cruel. Women in the story have been practically nothing but obstacles, often ganging up to torture poor Sid.


Catch is a metaphor for sex: This one's easy to miss, but come on. A female pokemon begs Sid not to catch her, with every expectation that as a man in a position of power he will. Sid bows to his nature and does not. As they become friends, Galena dangles the possibility of catching her later as a reward. Replace every instance of catch with "rape" or "have sex with" and it loses no sense and gains a lot of meaning.


Homosexual panic?: In the same way as catching can be seen to represent sex, battling can be seen to represent courtship, as one leads to the other. In this way, Sid sees the camper's insistence on battling as the initiation of romantic involvement, and reacts violently. This metaphor is actually perfect in every respect if you would read wikipedia once in a while. Come on. Wiki "homosexual panic". I dare you.


There's a handful of other superfacts that I could point out, but unlike g0m and his insistence that you are a slathering moron, I believe that with this basic look at some of the Obsidian themes, you can pick them out yourself. At least give it a shot. I've got gold staaaaars!

by g0m
April 13, 2010


"[s]mechsifying", is an adventure that you can find on the mspafa forums. On the first read through, you might find it to be an amusing story- that, and nothing more. I wouldn't blame you for thinking that, although I would have to hate you on principle. Why do I say this? Because when you dig even a tiny bit below the surface, this adventure is actually one of the most brilliant pieces of literary and illustrated work of our time. The reason for my amazing and sexy claims? Read on, and you'll see.


[s]mechsifying takes the concept of heteronormativity, skins it, cuts it up, and presents its organs to us on an organ plate. The characters and their names make this fact extremely evident. For example, the character Norman Hart, who is most commonly known as "Norm"; Norm, as in "hetroNORMaticity"? It's stupid to believe that this is coincidence. Let us also look at two of the other characters, Andy and Andrea. Even an idiot could see what I'm getting at here, which is lucky for you. Andrea can be shortened to- you guessed it- Andy. These semi-androgynous names portray a blurring between the male and female genders, which is pleasingly ironic considering those two characters' personalities [More on this later]. And we can't forget our main character, Heath. Although bearing a name generally seen as masculine, our protaginist is perhaps the character least defined by gender roles in the story. This unfortunately makes the choice of name seem pretentious, or if not that, rushed; as if the main character's name was left 'till the last minute. Heath's name is definitely a blemish on an otherwise amazing and thought-provoking tale, but don't discount it so easily!


Let us now move to discussing the way these characters behave and interact. I love everything about these characters. Each action is so full of symbolism, and the author's prowess in this sort of writing makes you feel like an idiot. The story can be read- and should be read- as a deconstruction of modern gender roles. Another aspect of this story that I simply adore is the way "traditional", gender roles are shown- a little nudge on the fourth wall in a story relying so heavily on deconstruction and satire, or the author cynically showing the ignorance of the characters regarding their own personalities? Either way, it's fantastically executed. But I'm babbling, so let me give you an example directly from the adventure. Take a look at this picture:





Andy's stereotypically "Male", traits can be seen quite clearly in this image, for example, the extreme affinity for breasts can be seen [Those lines show that he's looking straight at 'em]. While this by itself is nothing paridigm breaking re: gender issues, I'd like to direct your attenton to the crossed-out "Tsundere". In case you don't know, like an idiot [you are an idiot], "Tsundere", is a Japanese term referring to a character who, initially cold and hostile, gradually becomes warmer. It's a trait most commonly attributed to female characters, but here it is surprisingly unavailable for use by the female character. That certainly challenged my views on gender. I nearly choked on my iced mocha hazelnut-flavoured cappuccino. That really sums up the experience I had, reading through [s]mechsifying [Which was formerly called "Boy Quest", even starring a girl]. It just constantly subverts your expectations on what gender is- something physical, something mental, or perhaps an amalgamation of the two? These complex issues may not be answered by [s]mechsifying, but give it a read. It'll probably be the most thought-provoking thing you'll ever read, you sickening ape-person.