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11/11/11
"[S] ACT 6"






11/11/11
"==>"






11/11/11
"Homestuck"



A young lady stands in her bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 11th of November, 2011, is the date scheduled for the launch of a highly exclusive playtesting experience for a much anticipated game. The young lady is expecting to find this game in her mailbox today. She is expecting the game to be enclosed in a pair of envelopes, and printed on these envelopes, she is expecting to find her name!

What do you suppose the name on the envelopes will be?


11/11/11
"Enter name."



You cannot enter her name!!! It was already engraved in her HONORARY PLACRONYM on her 13th birthday, which was about two and a half years ago, and has been sitting here neatly on the bookshelf ever since. Attempting to engrave it with another name after completing this sacred rite of passage is practically unheard of, and is a gesture nearly as offensive as it would be if you tried to name her something dumb like Barnstench Fartface. Luckily she is not the sort to hold a grudge, and she will let it slide this time. As long as you hurry up and get her big day started!


11/11/11
"Examine room."



Your name is JANE. As was previously mentioned, you are poised for an ELITE OPPORTUNITY to test the SBURB ALPHA. It is so elite in fact, you are the only of your kind invited to playtest! Though you guess that probably comes with the territory of being the HEIRESS APPARENT TO A BAKED GOODS EMPIRE. You don't suppose it hurts that you are said empire's NUMBER ONE FANGIRL, either! It should come as no surprise that you enjoy BAKING, but you also adore reading DETECTIVE STORIES. You fancy yourself a SKILLED PRANKSTRESS, if by no other measure than lineage. Though at times you feel it's tough to fill those shoes when you are SURROUNDED BY JOKERS. Seriously, the shenanigans perpetrated by your pals make your old school japes feel KIND OF PEDESTRIAN SOMETIMES, but oh well, you love them all anyway. You once dabbled in AMATEUR BOTANY but found it TOO FRUSTRATING, because your VEGETABLES KEPT DISAP-actually you know what, you DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. You love SITUATION COMEDIES, whilst holding particular affection for MUSTACHIOED FUNNYMEN. You know, your FOXWORTHIES, your FUNKES, your SWANSONS, but not necessarily your GALLAGHERS PER SE, because you have to draw the fucking line somewhere. You are also pleased to contemplate FRIGHTENING FAUNA, though saddened by their regrettable FAKENESS ATTRIBUTE.

But none of that's on your mind now, because you are PSYCHED about this SPECIAL DATE, 11.11.11, i.e. 2X3PRONG DAY (WHATEVER THAT MEANS), a date exhibiting just the sort of numerical gimmick corporations love to exploit for their big releases, or for launching MAJOR REBRANDING INITIATIVES. In the case of your CHERISHED MULTIGLOBAL EMPIRE, both such events are slated to happen today. You can't wait to see what is in store, and for the mail to come. When it does, you will waste no time in embarking on the game's MAIDEN VOYAGE, and if even a fraction of what you've heard turns out to be true, you are prepared to have the time of your LIFE!!!

What will you do?


11/11/11
"Jane: Quickly retrieve arms from chest."



Jane is not empowered to rehash this tired running gag because all of a sudden she is too busy being the other guy.

We need to figure out what this fella's name is, pronto!


11/11/11
"Enter name."



Once again, you make the incalculable blunder of attempting to engrave an already allocated placronym. His name was etched when he turned 13 too, almost 3 years ago. It's been sitting here messily in this UNBELIEVABLY DEADLY PILE OF GUNS ever since. What sort of vulgar, childish moniker were you going to stick this poor bastard with? Barfbreath Turdsmirk? It doesn't even matter. Just tell him what to do!


11/11/11
"Examine room."



Your name is JAKE. You love movies. ALL MOVIES. You would describe your taste in film as ECLECTIC, but in truth, it isn't much less than TOTALLY INDISCRIMINATE. You bluster frequently of exuberance for FIREARMS and FISTICUFFS and ADVENTURE, though have no human company with which to share these interests. But who needs chums, when you can enjoy a top notch gander of your GALS OF CERULEAN COMPLEXION, HUBBA HUBBA. You're known to be found with your nose in a COMIC BOOK OR TWO, not that it makes you a nerd or anything, like you even CARE about that! Not a gent of your PANACHE AND SWAGGER, qualities which you would BANDY WITH APLOMB on your globe-spanning adventures, HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING. You would love to travel around the world, toppling any SACRED URNS you encountered. You'd be tickled by the opportunity to defile HALLOWED TOMBS everywhere, raiding them of their treasures. And how you'd give your RIGHT LEG for a shot at desecrating THE SHIT out of some real life MYSTIC RUINS for their byzantine wares. Luckily for your limb, there is a dandy set of such ruins nearby, and you desecrate them quite frequently! You are also troubled to contemplate FRIGHTENING FAUNA, and plagued daily by their regrettable REALNESS ATTRIBUTE.

What else? You sure like to WRESTLE. Did you mention FISTICUFFS yet? You know, SCRUMS AND WHATNOT. Also, SKULLS. Gosh you love SKULLS. There is a good SKULL at the heart of any mystery, haunting its EVERY PAGE. That is what you always say. Or at least, it is what you always HOPE.

What will you do?


11/12/11
"Jake: Retrieve arms from floor, post-haste!"



You make a dutiful motion toward your TRUSTY FIREARMS, doing your part to assail the mushy carcass of a horse that passed away long ago, when suddenly a WILD CHARACTER-SELECT SCREEN APPROACHES!!!!!!!!!!

You really feel like you are in the driver's seat now. You can basically take this story LITERALLY ANYWHERE, as long as you don't pick one of those shadowy characters, and as long as the panels are actually finished being drawn. It is like this whole panoramic cornucopia of limitless possibility sprawling before your very eyes.

Who do you want to be?


11/12/11
"Be Jane."



You are suddenly Jane again. What was it you were up to? Oh right, this game. You're excited about that!

Earlier this morning you thought you heard the mail truck, even though the mail never comes in the morning. But just to be sure, you rushed downstairs to check, even though due to recent events, you are FORBIDDEN FROM LEAVING THE HOUSE. Alas, it was not there, and you sort of spaced out at the sky with a goofy grin on your face for no great reason, and then you were caught red handed by your guardian. Then you got in trouble.

You think you might be grounded now? Whatever, DAD!


11/12/11
"Jane: Examine fetch modus."



It's your RECIPE MODUS, an extremely handy little inventory widget your DAD got for you for your birthday a couple years ago. He can be a real hard-ass sometimes (not really), but he sure knows how to spoil his little girl.


11/12/11
"Jane: Captchalogue it!"



You stick the RECIPE MODUS in your... uh... RECIPE MODUS!

You flip the card over and look at the back. The thing about this modus you think is really cool is that instead of showing a completely useless wobbly garbled code on the back, it itemizes the components which could be used to create it! In a completely hypothetical framework, of course.

Just another wonderful innovation by your favorite company. It releases many products of an experimental nature, often with applicability to other kinds of technology and products which haven't hit the market yet. Of course, as the heiress, you are privy to all the sweetest gear in advance. Maybe you'll rummage through some of that stuff later.

The modus as a captchalogued object has only one simple recipe, involving an ARRAY MODUS (snore!) and a COOK BOOK (yesss!) Other objects have more varied and elaborate recipes though.


11/12/11
"Jane: Get hat."



You captchalogue your FAVORITE HAT, which is also your ONLY HAT. You spent basically your ENTIRE CHILDHOOD in this hat, pretending to be hard boiled detectives and whatnot. In public, you and your DAD made quite the pair. Everyone could tell by a glance that you were your father's daughter, sired from his loins directly and genetically, through what was undoubtedly a natural process of human procreation involving a man and a woman. People would definitely nod and say, "Yep, that little lady sure did emerge from a womb on account of that gentleman's awesome virility."

As you can see, there are loads of ways to cook up a hat like this, involving many stupid combinations of random objects.


11/12/11
"Jane: Inspect posters."



It's one of your funnymen pinups, a glorious FOXWORTHY. It's one interest that overlaps with your DAD'S. He thinks his corny redneck shtick is just the funniest thing since sliced bread, that was sliced by a hilarious clown with a laugh knife. Honestly, you don't care much for his comedy though. Dealing the low income bucolic classes affectionate sass ad nauseum isn't what you'd call your cup of tea. You just think he's really handsome. Every time he starts rattling off pointers on how to self-diagnose bumpkinhood, you just get lost in that pair of blue twinklers and those soft auburn lipbristles. You were so shy when you got the poster autographed. If only you felt WORTHY of that FOX, heh heh.

Oh and there's one of your PROBLEM SLEUTH posters. You've got a lot of Problem Sleuth stuff, because you think detective stories are just so swell. This was the last panel in the first story, which ended a little before your 13th birthday. Since then, the author has been steadily updating PROBLEM SLEUTH 2, which you have been following avidly. You are happy that he stayed in that lane, and stuck with a time-tested formula. If he went in a different direction, you probably would have found it really disappointing.


11/13/11
"Jane: Check out other posters."



Another Sleuth poster of course, with two of your favorite dames ever.

The TOBIAS and the MANHATTAN were gifts for your 14th birthday, sent to you by your good buddy Jake. Just a couple of PERIWINKLE HEARTHROBS unquestionably sent in playful retaliation for the ribbing you've given him over the years for his inexplicable infatuation with his phthalo femmes. So he made a couple of coy recommendations for objects of your attraction, and you have hung his COBALT BEEFCAKES here since. He was pretty spot on with the blue Funke, to be honest, since that's like the best show ever. Mr. Cross can blue himself any time, as far as you are concerned. But the Manhattan... not so much. Comics aren't really your thing. But you hung it up anyway because that's the sort of thing you do in a mildly escalating feud of passive-aggressive one-upsmanship. You own it. But you felt kind of weird about having his BLUE MUTANT PENIS dangle over your head while you sleep, so you covered it up with something even more obscene, some sort of revolting TROLL HOWIE MANDEL, also gifted to you by Jake. Good lord does that kid have some spotty tastes.

There is also your magnificent SWANSON. Ron Swanson is the PERFECT MAN. You have tried to order all of the bacon and eggs in a restaurant on several occasions. But your dad never lets the order go beyond the joke level. What a fuddyduddy.


11/13/11
"Jane: Take spoon."



You tuck your trusty JUNIOR BATTERMASTER'S BOWLBUSTER STIRRING SOLUTION 50000 into your strife deck, allocated with the ever martially-pragmatic SPOONKIND. You wouldn't have it any other way!

You love your fancy spoon. It has several million recipes stored in it, and walks you through each step with a soothing female robot voice, just like in science fiction. Some urban legends say that the device also broadcasts subliminal messages distributing OMINOUS CROCKERCORP PROPAGANDA, but you don't put any stock in that sort of baloney for a second.

There is one switch on it that doesn't seem to do anything. Maybe yours is defective? Still, it's perfectly serviceable, and has assisted you in whipping many a cake into delicious submission.


11/13/11
"Jane: Examine bunnies."



These customized bunnies were gifts to you on your 13th birthday, from two of your friends. Both were heirlooms passed down to them, and they decided to coordinate gift ideas and send you dressed up versions of their beloved childhood toys. You like to think he was shooting for a detective bunny with the one on the left, but you know realistically it was probably an Indiana Jones bunny more in line with his interests than yours, especially since it came with a little whip you have since misplaced. The bunny used to belong to his GRANDMA. The other one used to belong to your friend's MOM, and she dressed it as a wizard, which was also unapologetically more representative of her interests than yours. That's ok though, you loved the gesture anyway, and you and she are totally BFFSIES 4EVERZ, her words. And you agree with them!

You did get one more bunny from your other pal. He had to make it himself from scratch, since for some ridiculous reason he didn't happen to have a ratty old bunny heirloom lying around. His gift was... somewhat less innocuous. You have no idea where it is though. Probably just as well.


11/13/11
"Jane: Look out window."



You've been fidgeting around your room all day, making little observations about your various belongings, checking the clock. When will the dang mail get here?? You take another peek out the window, just in case.


11/13/11
"==>"



It's still not there. But there is your dad. What is he up to?


11/13/11
"==>"



He just captchalogued the CAR. Oh, that's right. He was going to wash it today. He's probably taking it into the back yard next to the garden hose. He keeps a very busy fatherly itinerary. So many dad things to do, every single day.

If the mail arrives soon, this would be a great opportunity to sneak out and get it! Fingers crossed.


11/13/11
"==>"



Looks like somebody is bothering you. He better make it quick! You've got a window to stay glued to.


11/14/11
"Jane: Go to computer."



You know you really should switch to PESTERCHUM. It's what your friends use, and it's a lot better than BETTYBOTHER, if you're being honest with yourself. BB is just so spammy and annoying with all of the popups everywhere.


11/14/11
"==>"



Ugh, look at this dreadful clutter. You have got to switch. But then, brand loyalty is a powerful thing.

Looks like Jake is messaging you.


11/14/11
"Jane: Answer Jake."



|PESTERLOG|
golgothasTerror [GT] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 11:05

GT: Jane!
GT: Forgive my botherations. I know this is meant to be a spanking ripsnorter of a day for you and all.
GT: But do you happen to know where the devilfucking dickens mr strider might be?
GG: Oh, that's fine!
GG: I had been meaning to message you sooner actually, but I suppose in all the hubbub today, it plumb slipped my mind.
GG: Which is a shocking fact on its lonesome, considering what I have to tell you!
GT: Egad...
GT: *Loosens collar a bit.*
GG: As for this Strider business, hrmmm. He's an elusive guy Jake. You know that.
GG: I talked to him yesterday. That's as much help as I can be!
GT: Shoot.
GT: I really need to ask him something but hes got his blasted auto responder turned on.
GG: Hoo hoo.
GG: I love that thing. :B
GT: He wouldnt be pleased to hear you say that.
GG: What do you need with him?
GG: Does this have to do with your crazy pen pal project?
GT: It most certainly does and time is of the essence!
GT: Today is the day i have to finish it and send it. Not a day later!
GT: So you see why i am feeling really friggin discombobulated at the moment.
GG: Sorry, J. :(
GG: This would be the birthday present... for your grandmother?
GT: No!
GT: It is for your grandfather simply to be *relayed* to him by my grandmother. A joint gift to him from she and i.
GG: Her and me.
GT: What? Who and you now?
GG: "A joint gift from her and me." Grammar, Jake!
GT: Oh for frigs flipping sake jane this is no time for your prudish pedantry! Leave your bookish malarkey in a dusty old library somewhere. I have an adventure to get on with!
GG: So if I have this straight, the big thing hogging up your plate today is not this marvelous new game which I have invited you to play with me, but finishing a robotic rabbit to give to my dead poppop?
GT: Bingo. *double pistols and a wink*
GG: You are a very strange and silly boy.
GT: Please jane we have addressed this.
GT: I am sending the gift back in time to when they are both alive and about our age.
GT: Or...
GT: Something like that. Something funny is going on here that i have not fully grappled yet but dag nab it if im not gonna see it through.
GG: Well,
GG: Godspeed, then! I do hope you can pull it off.
GT: Are you being fresh with me now?
GG: No!!
GT: Look jane i know youve never believed me and you think everything i say is some big cockamamie goofoff but i think today of all days is when you should start taking some things more seriously.
GT: Especially since i have always had your back. I have always believed in you!
GG: Hey! I have believed in you too.
GG: However, believing somebody isn't the same thing as believing IN somebody.
GG: But that much said...
GG: I think that maybe I am getting ready to believe some of the wild stories I've heard?
GG: Or, if not believe outright, reserve judgment on, at least.
GT: Is that so!
GG: I don't know!
GG: I'm still not sure what to think. But what I wanted to tell you this morning was...
GG: I had a really wild dream last night.
GG: And you were in it.
GT: Oh my. *glasses fog up. fumbles for kerchief.*
GG: Sh! Not like that.
GG: It was so real! I think we were in the game, even though we haven't started playing yet.
GG: I don't know what to make of it. Whether it was a vision of the future, or somewhere that exists now, or if it was just a really lucid dream due to excitement.
GT: What was i doing there?
GG: Um...
GG: Not a heck of a lot!
GG: I really want to tell you all about it, but it will take some time to explain, and we both have things to attend to.
GG: You with your time traveling rabbitwork, and I, my vigilant window gazing!
GT: Too true.
GT: Let us reconvene later and sort out all this shit at a leisurely pace.
GG: Yes, ok, good luck Jake!
GT: Okay you too jane! Bye!
golgothasTerror [GT] ceased bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]


11/14/11
"Jane: Check clock."



Hold the phone. 11:10... you almost forgot! One minute until the empire's REBRANDING launch. You wonder if it will live up to the hype? Guess you'll find out.


11/14/11
"Jane: Wait a minute."



You ride out another 60 seconds and... huh? Something happened to your BAKING CHEST. Did the logo just change?

You wonder what else may have been affected.


11/14/11
"Jane: Look around."



Yep. This one changed too. Crockercorp is nothing if not thorough with its branding tactics. You guess it's pretty cool? It's just a fork instead of a spoon. Not the most awe inspiring logo you've ever seen, but who are you to judge? Aside from the future owner of the company.

(You make a mental note that when you turn 18 and inherit the company you will change it back to a spoon, you love the spoon.)


11/14/11
"Jane: Examine bowlbuster."



Sure enough, the JUNIOR BATTERMASTER'S BOWLBUSTER STIRRING SOLUTION 50000 has been affected too, along with your specibus.


11/14/11
"Jane: Try flipping switch."



You try the broken switch again. Hey look, it does something now, toggling your trusty bowlbuster between a STIRRING SOLUTION and a POKING SOLUTION. Neat!


11/15/11
"Jane: Back to the window!"



Nope, still nothing. You surely would have heard the truck pull up. You guess the empire wasn't able to coordinate the mail with its rebranding. Maybe the U.S. Postal Service is the one thing it doesn't have its gnarled claws in yet? (Another mental note: sink gnarled claws into post office when you take over.)


11/15/11
"Jane: Open chest."



You decide to pass the time by rummaging through your BAKING CHEST and... hang on.

Maybe later.


11/15/11
"Jane: Answer."



|PESTERLOG|
uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 11:17

UU: good morning, lovely. ^u^
GG: Why, hellooooooo.
UU: so i gUess today is finally the day yoU make everything better.
GG: :B!
UU: it is the day whereafter the legendary octet of mUtUal progenitoriety will come together and heal a great breach in paradox space.
UU: a day delivered throUgh eighty billion years and foUr distinct Universal instances worth of Unfathomable tUrbUlence.
UU: and while the emerald eye of this storm is fixed in the abyss forever
UU: today yoU are poised to escape its scowl once and for all.
UU: by skaias gUiding light, yoU may leave behind its tUrning arms of bright coloUrs and mayhem, and secUre peace for yoUr cosmic progeny for all dUration.
UU: and if yoU are to meet this departUre with trepidation i woUld Understand! bUt also i woUld ask
UU: is there nothing i can do to ease yoUr mind?
GG: Gosh! So formal today.
UU: yes. u_u;
UU: i'm afraid i am gUilty of rehearsing this pep talk well in advance.
UU: i thoUght yoU deserved a proper sendoff.
GG: D'aww.
UU: well then?
UU: is there nothing i can do?
UU: it was a serioUs qUestion. :u
GG: You needn't worry about easing my nerves.
GG: If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be nearly as thrilled about today as I am!
UU: splendid! ^u^
UU: bUt remember i will be here to help, whilst refraining from caUsal spoilers to the best of my ability.
GG: That is reassuring!
UU: have yoU corresponded with yoUr first designated co-player yet?
GG: No, I haven't seen her online yet today.
GG: I'm really hoping Lalonde won't flake out on me this time. Have you heard from her?
UU: not the today that is local to yoU.
UU: thoUgh i do have a wee bit more troUble monitoring her than the rest of yoU. cUrioUs dark patches in transmission, hUmph.
UU: still, i woUldn't fret over it. she is as good a chUm as any yoU have and shoUld come throUgh Ultimately, even if things seem dire.
GG: If you say so.
GG: Oh!
GG: I wanted to tell you, I had an amazing dream last night!
UU: blimey! :U
GG: I believe it may have been of the sort you described. A dream of awakening, presuming I haven't just flatout lost my marbles.
UU: indeed, im sUre it was. i knew yoU woUld wake Up soon!
UU: might yoU describe what yoU saw?
GG: I was in a bright gold city. Above was a brilliant blue sky, but the horizon was dark as night.
GG: Was this the place you told me about? What was it called...
GG: Ah, shucks, does this count as a "causal spoiler?"
UU: not at all! that is a simple detail aboUt the realm yoU are aboUt to explore, withoUt directly involving yoUr fUtUre decisions of conseqUence.
UU: the place yoU visited was called prospit. it is where i have woken Up every time i have gone to sleep for most of my life.
GG: I didn't see you there. At least, I don't think I did!
UU: no, yoU woUldnt have.
UU: my prospit is an alternate version from yoUrs, in a completely different session qUite far afield of yoUr reality.
UU: if we are ever to meet in person, it is Unlikely to be while playing oUr respective games!
GG: Ok then.
GG: I mentioned this briefly to Jake, and he didn't have much to say before we parted ways.
GG: I will gather that if this is all true, then it means Jake had not awoken yet?
UU: i think this is for yoU to determine in time. what is yoUr hUnch?
GG: I don't know.
GG: But there was one thing about the dream that was very troubling.
GG: I'm becoming nervous to consider what it might mean.
UU: Understandable. bUt it will be important to practice patience today.
UU: yoU have a long road ahead of yoU, and many qUestions will be answered in time.
UU: bUt we can talk it over later. now, we both have games to prepare for!
UU: i know yoU coUld never fUlly appreciate what this actUally meant, bUt i took mUch care to sync Up these conversations with yoU on the same day that i begin playing as well.
UU: that way, we can joUrney throUgh oUr sessions together and compare notes! :u
GG: Hrm. I'm still not sure I appreciate what that means, but I appreciate that a nice gesture has been made if you say so!
GG: I guess I should just start believing all of this now, huh? Rather than learning it to be true later and feeling the fool for all my curmudgeonly skepticism?
UU: ~_u
GG: For starters, I guess I could drop my reservations about your story?
UU: will yoU :U!!!
GG: I can write off much to tomfoolery as I'm no stranger to a good prank myself. But quite honestly you seem too kind for this charade. Not the type I'd expect to trot out such persistent falsehoods beyond their humorous welcome.
GG: So what do I know! Consarn it, maybe you are an alien girl from Uranus, and together we are about to play a game which determines the fate of existence. Sign me up!
UU: oh, hee hee! bUt i never claimed to be from that planet, which is only in the far reaches of yoUr solar system.
UU: in fact i am from mUch farther away. a different Universe altogether.
UU: bUt if yoU trUly mean it, thank yoU for believing me!
UU: now, jane my lovely, let Us prepare for this adventUre.
UU: remember what i said aboUt the need for patience.
UU: patience with yoUr friends.
UU: patience for yoUr growth as a hero of life.
UU: and patience for the coming of the other foUr of legend.
UU: a hero of breath and of light and of time and of space!
UU: and if yoU still find yoUrself in doUbt
UU: jUst check the inscription on that big old book downstairs.
UU: after all, if yoU cant trUst words written by yoUr own hand
UU: then what Use is trUst at all? ^u^
UU: <kisses!>
uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering gutsyGumshoe [GG]


11/16/11
"Jane: Ok, back to the chest."



You return to your BAKING CHEST which you use mainly for storing QUALITY PRANKING APPARATUS and a few other odds and ends.

Oh hello, poppop. His friendly face is there to greet you every time you open your chest. You would have loved to meet him. Unfortunately his life was cut short at the tender age of 86 in a tragic accident, coincidentally on the same day you were born, or so your dad tells you. Poppop Crocker was a LEGENDARY COMEDIAN, following in the footsteps of his grandfather who of course was the greatest southern pranking legend of all time. One day, you hope to follow in poppop's too.

But then, if the whoppers you have been told recently have any truth to them, maybe you will get to meet him after all? It seems too good to be true. The only relationship you have ever had with him are through video footage of his VAUDEVILLIAN ANTICS on stage. Or through his role as Judge Johnny Stone on one of your favorite old sitcoms, NIGHT COURT.


11/16/11
"Jane: Rummage around."



Just your basics when it comes to pranking. A few CLEVER DISGUISES. A NAME BRAND DUNCE CAP. A SLIGHTLY ABRIDGED EDITION OF SASSACRE'S TEXT, updated for the modern prankster and scrubbed of a few of the more egregious julep-fueled racial slurs, several other stray books, your company's prototypical model for the GRISTWIDGET 12000, and of course your super-handy UNREAL HEIRESS THOUGHTWAVE TIARATOP for the young gogetting junior battermaster on the go.


11/16/11
"Jane: Dump chest."



Might as well get all this crap out of here and take it with you. You never know when you might need it.

You shut the chest and... oh, hello Harry Anderson. Always a pleasure to see you there.

He is also one of your idols, and as it happens, has a bit of a history with your poppop. They were rivals on the vaudeville comedy and magic act circuit. Eventually the less competent Anderson was shamed out of the industry and went on to greener pastures in the PRIVATE DICKING BIZ. He became one of the hardest boiled detectives on the mean streets of the Big Easy, and later made a fortune off his memoirs (ghost written by Mike Caveney).


11/16/11
"Jane: Captchalogue all."



Your sylladex is so great. You shudder to remember some of the old shitty fetch modi you used to struggle with when you were younger, still learning the captchaloguing ropes. Fibonacci heap??? Lol at the f'ing noob.


11/16/11
"Jane: Inspect books."



You have a COOKBOOK, which of course was made obsolete by your computerized talking bowlbuster. You wouldn't dare part with it though. Too many wonderful memories.

There's Anderson's aforementioned book, WISE GUY. His (Caveney's) stories are gripping! In a way.

And then there's a customized copy of PONY PALS, a gift to you on your 14th birthday from the slippery Mr. Strider. Each page contains lovingly hand-written commentary on the deeds of this intrepid young horse.


11/16/11
"Jane: Check out gristwidget."



This thing's a piece of junk! It just wastes your boondollars and destroys your cool gear to produce these stupid things that look like Gushers! But unlike Gushers which serve many practical purposes like inducing vomiting and simulating the experience of eating plump insects, these things are totally useless!


11/16/11
"Jane: Insert hat card."



Ok, you'll try it out with one of your less prized possessions just to prove how dumb it is. You never liked this hat much. It makes you look like a gnome and basically isn't funny at all.

You pop the card in. The GRISTWIDGET indicates it will cost 10 BOONDOLLARS to convert this object into grist. That's not too bad, you guess. It's not like the currency has much value anyway. It was introduced as a sort of BCCORP FUNBUX, to be used by youngsters specifically on qualifying merch online and stuff. Brilliant business strategy, really. As heiress to the empire, you are naturally endowed with millions, which you have a reputation for being very generous with. You have been considering using your wealth to set up a scholarship fund to allow underprivileged kids to go to booncollege.


11/16/11
"Jane: Activate."



See??? Utterly pointless. You hope Crockercorp was going somewhere with this technology, cause if not, this product is first in line for getting the axe when you're in charge.


11/16/11
"Jane: Wear tiaratop."



You put on your highly fashionable UNREAL HEIRESS THOUGHTWAVE TIARATOP and flip it on. It immediately hums to life as its blazing fast processes mingle with your thoughts. It is the most efficient computing technology in the world by far, as long as you don't wear it for too long. But aside from a few migraines, you can't possibly imagine any OBEY drawbacks that CEASE REPRODUCTION could come with SUBMIT merging CONSUME your thoughts with EMBRACE YOUR CULLING experimental technology CONFORM TO SOCIAL ORDER from an STAY ASLEEP extremely powerful DIE corporation, wait what?


11/17/11
"Jane: Continue vigilant window gazing."



Still no sign of the mail. Might as well keep the tiaratop on while you look, even if it means suffering through all these bullshit popup ads. That way you can keep an eye out for Lalonde while you're at it.


11/17/11
"==>"



Speak of the devilfucking dickens.


11/17/11
"Jane: Answer Lalonde."



|PESTERLOG|
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 11:24

TG: jane
TG: hey
TG: jaaaney
TG: ansrew plz
TG: *answer
TG: jaaaaaaaaaane
GG: Omg.
GG: Overreact much? I kept you waiting for all of two seconds!
GG: Where have you been today?
TG: nowhere just chilling here
TG: when all of the sudden
GG: "All of a sudden."
TG: when all of the sudden
TG: it hits me
TG: thaf we have somethig really fuckin important to talk about
GG: This hit you just now? We made plans to get in touch early this morning, and I have seen neither hide nor hair of you all day.
TG: it hits me that
TG: jakes bday is coming up really soon
TG: just a few days before mine remembr
TG: or i guess it would be if it wasnt for the end of the world thats about to happen
GG: Oh, for Pete's sake.
TG: i just wanted your advice on what to get him
TG: something sentimental i guess? but i mean im mostly tapped out of precious heirlooms atm so idk
TG: but not like anything coming on too strong
TG: something that says
TG: this is totes platonic and everything
TG: no eyebrow raising funnybiz is goin on over here
TG: but still says you know
TG: call me
TG: if you wanna
GG: Grrr.
GG: Now I know you're joking around to get my goat.
TG: ahaha
TG: yeah
TG: the goat getting thing i mean
TG: but joking oh no i think not
TG: u dont think that if i didnt say he was off limits on account of you being my best friend
TG: i wouldnt be all the hell over that????
TG: daaaaamn
TG: that rugged senseof adventure
TG: the delightful silly vernacular thats like
TG: weirdly and bewitchingly not self aware
TG: those adorbable teeth
TG: swoooooooooon <3
GG: Nooooo, stop. :(
TG: well shit jane
TG: what am i even supposed to do
TG: i cant hit on anybody and appaprently i can entertain nary a frisky THOUGHT about anyboby because apparentley evrybodies OFF LIMITS!!!!!
TG: *buncha goddamn typos
TG: shit suuucks
TG: you dont even let me say your dad is hot even though we both know he way the fuck is i mean come one
TG: *one
TG: *on
GG: Yeah. Because it's weird!
GG: And you're drunk. :P
TG: correction
TG: drinking
TG: prensent tense
TG: grammar jane
GG: I don't see why you don't try to court the favor of Mr. Strider. If you ask me, he and you are perfect for each other.
TG: oh jane
TG: so naive
TG: soooo niaev
GG: Lordy.
GG: How can you be this fargone so early?
GG: It isn't even noon yet.
TG: you forget we live in very different time zones
TG: its a lot later here
GG: You're three hours ahead of me!
TG: youd would be amazed
TG: how much can happen
TG: in 3 hours
GG: Tsk. What would your mother have to say if she caught you?
TG: p sure she wouldnt give a shit
TG: i mean
TG: shes the one who stocked thegod damn liquor cabinets in the firts place
TG: i dont even think she ever had a drop in her life probably
TG: so why else is she puttin it there it was like
TG: a passive aggrassive dare for me
TG: *aggressive
TG: jut the sort of mind game she would play
GG: So even if your insane and paranoid theory happens to be true, your response is, "Screw it! Time to help myself to all this mind game booze."
TG: yuuuuuuuuuuuup
TG: pppp mcuh
GG: Groan. You are completely impossible like this.
GG: I cannot believe you chose to do this today of all days. I should have known better!
GG: Here I am waking up bright and early, waiting all day with my nose pressed against this glass for the mail to come and wondering if you'll ever log on, and all the while you are just getting blind stinking schnocker-bottomed drunk.
TG: watcha waiting for
TG: in the mail
TG: is something happening today or something
GG: &%#$@!!!
GG: The alpha!
GG: Jeez-Louise, you are hopeless.
TG: oh yeah
TG: that thing
GG: Are you at all ready to play if it comes?
TG: i guess
TG: but
TG: you sure you even want to play this thing
TG: u know its just what the batterwitch wants you to do
GG: Not this again.
TG: if you want to go ahead and be a chump jane its ur call im just saying
TG: i know what a chump looks like
TG: and you dont look like no chump i ever saw
TG: if you go thru with this ill have to add your porfile to my chump roll
TG: which is like this real actual thing i maintain
TG: intsead of being a joke
TG: is that waht you want
TG: *want
GG: The "Batterwitch" DOES NOT EXIST!
GG: It is an idiotic urban legend.
GG: How many times have I explained this? My great, great grandmother who founded the company and is accused of holding this identity would have to be almost two hundred years old if she were still alive today. The idea is such preposterous hogwash it's hardly worth dignifying with a rational response.
GG: The iconic face of the company isn't even a real person! She was fabricated long ago during the company's fledgling years.
TG: right
TG: as
TG: you know
TG: an alter ego
TG: for somethig more sinister
GG: Such cuckoobird nonsense.
GG: In any case, I don't understand the nature of this second guessing, besides chalking it up to your unwelcome inebriation.
GG: We had agreed you would play with me. You sounded excited about it!
GG: Have you even obtained your copy yet??
TG: um
TG: heh
TG: yes "obtianed"
TG: suuure did
GG: Through your various technologically crypotgraphic means, I presume?
TG: oh you bet
TG: hacked the SHIT out of those TIGHT mainframes and all
TG: said jackpot like
TG: a BUNCH of times
TG: all those
TG: cyhpers and bobbytraps
TG: backdoor trojans and what not
TG: were no match
TG: 4 mai codez
TG: snicker
GG: :|
GG: I am quizzically narrowing my eyes trying to solve the joke you are attempting, assuming it even is one.
TG: ok jane what im saying is that
TG: in the parlance of baking cause i know that is what gets you off
TG: is that
TG: it was a fuckin cakewake
TG: **cakewalk
GG: Oh.
TG: like by wich i mean not to say hur hur im hottest shit haxxor bitch you ever knew
TG: as deadlay to the corporate grid ass she is beatuiful
TG: which i AM but
TG: what i mean is shit wasnt even guarded
TG: it was just
TG: some files
TG: that were there
TG: unsecured
TG: and i took them
TG: jacked them right offa that intraweb telematrice
TG: then applied lipstick
TG: femme fatale style
TG: and was like shit yes i ALL KINDS of know how to use my web browser to download serveral files
GG: Really?
TG: yeah
TG: so now
TG: i got it
TG: if u really wanna play
TG: which you shouldnt
GG: Hrm. That is a bit puzzling. I thought this software was highly proprietary.
TG: i told you
TG: she wants you to play
TG: wants us all to
TG: part of her BIG PLANS
TG: and ur playing right into em
TG: like
TG: a
TG: chhhhhhhhhhhhh....
GG: Ump, yes, I know. You've made yourself clear.
GG: But what doesn't add up about your story is,
GG: I believe SOMEBODY doesn't want me to play.
GG: How else do you explain the recent attempts on my life?
TG: dunno
TG: someone out their wants the stock price to take a hit?
GG: "there"
TG: orrrr
TG: its just more connivings of the witch
GG: So this hypothetical monstrosity wants me to succeed, but also wants me to die?
GG: Makes a lot of sense!
TG: wouldnt put it past her
TG: makes you feel perpsecuted
TG: redoubles your determination to play
TG: u advance her plans in whatever incomprehensible way
TG: until suddenly you did evrything she needed you to
TG: at which point you become craaaaazy expendable yo
TG: and then
TG: she expends you
TG: like a wad of boondollars on shitty bc merch
GG: I see. This is sounding less like a crackpot conspiracy theory by the minute!
TG: w/e alls im saying is a bunch of stuff thats def true to the max
TG: ill send this file to you tho and what you do wiht its up to you
TG: so you want it now or what
GG: Hm. It's tempting, and I'm curious as heck to play it.
GG: But the mail should be coming any minute! I've waited this long for it, so I might as well use the official discs addressed to me.
GG: When it comes, I do hope you'll change your tune.
GG: Not to mention brew yourself a pot of coffee and sober your drunk butt up.
TG: my drunk butts tune will stay as unchanged as it will remain un not drunk
TG: makr my barley corerent words
GG: Hoo hoo! Ok, fair enough.
GG: But I believe that when we start playing together, you'll come around.
GG: Personally, I can hardly contain my excitement over it.
GG: If years ago someone told me, which incidentally someone DID, that today I would have an exclusive opportunity to play what is absolutely the most cutting edge immersive simulation game ever released, developed by a company which has already done so much for the advancement of humanity, I would have said, "Shucks, buster, sign me up!"
TG: jane
GG: Yes?
TG: jaaaane
GG: What!
TG: jane
TG: did u know
TG: that i am uttrely
TG: IN LOVE
TG: with the fact that
TG: i have a best friend
TG: who says things
TG: like
TG: shucks buster
GG: Shoosh you, drunky! :B
GG: Oh...
GG: Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...
TG: wtf
GG: The thing.
GG: The flappy thing!


11/17/11
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: THE FLAPPY SWINGY DOODAD.
GG: THE ARM DEALIE.
GG: THE DEALIE, LALONDE, THE DEALIE!!!
TG: wut
GG: THE GODDARNED RED SWINGY FLAPPY LEVER ARM THINGAMABOB, WHATEVER IT'S CALLED.
GG: ON THE MAILBOX.
TG: breathe crocker
TG: slow breaths like this
TG: (im breathin regular fyi)
GG: IT'S UP.
GG: IT'S UP, IT'S UP, IT'S UP.
TG: i dont get a lotta mail out here and im no mail expret
TG: *expert
TG: but
TG: doesnt that mean not the right thing
TG: like ur susposed to put it up if you want something taken away not have the guy put it up if mail comes
TG: i think your mail man is quiet possibly a dumbass
GG: NO, WHO CARES ABOUT THAT! THE DEALIE, THE DEEEEEAAAALIEEEEEEE!!!
GG: IT'S UP, IT'S UP, IT'S HERE IT'S HERE IT'S HERE!
GG: AAAAAAAAAAAH!
TG: lma so fucking o @ this
GG: Brb.
gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased bothering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]


11/18/11
"Jane: Prepare to retrieve mail."



You scamper over to the door, but pause a second to think. Is your dad still washing the car? Hopefully he's still preoccupied so you can sneak out.

But it doesn't hurt to be prepared for an encounter. Luckily, that is exactly what you are.


11/18/11
"Jane: Don clever disguise."



Why, is that his loving daughter, or could it be none other than INSPECTOR JACQUES CLOUSEAU??? Mr. Clouseau, what are you doing in this household? Can I bake you a cake? Please make yourself comfortable while I go about my business not being suspicious.

But wait, perhaps that is not so much the distinguished Inspector Clouseau as it is...


11/18/11
"==>"



THE WORLD RENOWNED INVESTIGATOR HERCULE POIROT, BECAUSE THE LITTLE CURLY MUSTACHE IS A LOT CUTER.

The great Poirot, in THIS house?? Such an honor. I will set the kettle to boil straightaway. Who would have guessed this home would be so heavily trafficked by famous French detectives at this time of day? Oh my, the good Poirot appears to be clucking little pleasantries in his adorable French accent through the high pitched voice of an enthusiastic teen girl. I SURELY don't have the heart to ground this upstanding, dapper gentleman, no matter HOW many dastardly attempts are made on her life.


11/18/11
"==>"



Yeah, this is a really shitty disguise.


11/18/11
"Jane: Exit."



You make a cautious motion toward a beckoning EXIT KNOB, when suddenly THE SAME WILD CHARACTER-SELECT SCREEN REAPPROACHES NONTHREATENINGLY!

You note that you still cannot pick one of the shadowy characters. But maybe you haven't been the other guy yet? That means it's time to click him.

Or maybe you already have been him, in which case you are done with this thing. The narrative really has no way of knowing. Your ass remains firmly planted in the driver's seat, as always.


11/18/11
"Be Jake."



And just like that, back to Jake. What was it you were up to? Oh right, you were going to pick these dang guns up off the floor when you were interrupted by some fleeting imperceptible thought. You kind of space out sometimes.


11/19/11
"Jake: About those arms."



Right. You pick up your TWIN M9 BERETTAS, weapons of choice in an absurd arsenal inherited from an eccentric old woman.

Guns are so cool. Your GRANDMA was rad.


11/19/11
"Jake: Examine holster belt."



It's your authentic TOMB RAIDER SEXY THIGHSTRAP DOUBLE HOLSTER, complete with cool skullbuckle and everything. You like to think you pull it off about as well as Croft herself.


11/19/11
"Jake: Wear it."



You like to think that, but in truth you look ridiculous. You think you probably need shorter shorts to make it work? Probably skin tight shorts too. As it is, the cuffs of your baggy shorts get kind of bunched up underneath the thighstraps, which is uncomfortable and makes you look like a tool.


11/19/11
"Jake: Ok, forget it."



Better off just keeping it in your strife deck.

You can draw the guns faster from there anyway.


11/19/11
"Jake: Examine bed."



You think your bed is some sort of electronic gadget. You're pretty sure those bedpost globes are supposed to glow like light bulbs under certain circumstances. But you've never been able to figure out what purpose it serves. Just more mysterious junk inherited from your eclectic GRANDMA.

She also gave you these bedsheets when you were very young, which you adore, but only for sentimental reasons. You aren't too keen on monsters.


11/19/11
"Jake: Examine posters."



Which posters? Your whole room is nothing but posters. Sometimes you find it hard to focus on any one of them. You just relax your eyes and get lost in all the incredible heroes and adventures which exploded from the silver screen and into your bedroom as well as your heart.

Movies are so great. You have never seen a movie you didn't like, you are pretty sure. People give you a hard time for that though. Gosh you love movies. Almost as much as you love skulls. And movies that have skulls in them? Oh my god.

So wonderful.


11/19/11
"Jake: Scope out those blue chicks."



This is your collection of beauties. But you don't call them that to anyone but yourself in private, because somehow even you are aware of how dorky that sounds.

You are oft-times the recipient of a good ribbing from Jane on account of your peculiar fascination with blue movie ladies. You don't have to justify yourself to her though. What is even her deal? Any fella would be off his ROCKER not to fawn over all these BODACIOUS BLUE KNOCKOUTS. You want to make out with all of them.


11/19/11
"Jake: Make out with all of them."



Dear, sweet Neytiri from James Cameron's Avatar.

Oh, if only you were the one who could have overcome his paralysis on an alien adventure planet to become her boyfriend, instead of that other guy. Then she could have shown you how to be bold and courageous, and stand up to fight for your people, and maybe later, engage in a bizarre extraterrestrial reproductive process involving ponytails, and a magical tree you guess?

You'll show that curmudgeonly Strider who's just a gigantic shitty space furry. You will show him what marvelous creatures they are. You'll show him what a daring dream it is, to combine the finest qualities of humanity with...

But seriously, you have got to stop kissing this stupid poster.


11/19/11
"Jake: Stop kissing stupid poster."



Yes, that was a waste of time. Definitely. It's definitely not something you spend much time doing whenever you are alone, which is always.

Anyway, here are some other great movies. Weekend at Bernies? Classic. You really think John would like this movie, if the things you have heard about him are true. Guys in cahoots make the silly corpse of Bernie Lomax do zany puppet antics so their schemes can succeed, guffaws aplenty, as you have tried to tell Jade before practically verbatim. She doesn't much care for great movies like that, but that's alright. You love her anyway and you think she's a blast. She says you sound just like John when you say stuff like that though, and that the two of you would get along famously. You can't wait to meet him.

Also there are some Cage flicks there. But who doesn't love a good Cage flick? Nobody is who. Dang, you would kill to get your hands on some authentic Cage movie memorabilia. But that'll probably have to remain a crazy dream.


11/19/11
"Jake: Examine package."



Speaking of John, this is his birthday present. It is the project that has been taking up all your time lately. And today is the deadline to finish it! You have to send it to Jade so that she has time to ship it to him across the Pacific ocean. The TRANSMATERIALIZER you have been using to ship it back and forth is wired to sync up your flow of time with hers, so it's not like you can just take forever with it, and send to the exact time she needs it - you've thought of that! And considering this bunny is PROBABLY going back to the early 20th century, when she and John were around your age, you figure the mail was extra slow back then, so there is not a moment to spare. Whew, time stuff is pretty complicated! But you are FAIRLY sure you've got this figured out.


11/19/11
"Jake: Examine bunny."



Sure is gonna be a sweet gift. Reminds you a lot of the old ratty bunny you inherited from your GRANDMA, who of course is exactly who you are collaborating with to make this thing. Time loops make you feel a bit fuzzy in the head, but you've always suspected it could very well be the same bunny. At some point in the early 20th century, Jade gave this robo-rabbit to John, and then later it must have been wound up back with Jade... somehow? Then she... uh... removed all the robot parts, hung on to it until she was an old woman, and gave it to you? You guess crazier things have happened. Like the way this whole project started in the first place. Jade tells you this little rabbit here, or Terry Kiser as you like to call him, will save John's life! He will be sitting there on some sort of chess board battlefield, in yellow pajamas, reading a letter, when POW! Kiser to the rescue. So you are taking this responsibility very seriously. You have been for years already.

In fact, this project gave you a neat idea for what to do for Jane's 13th birthday a couple years ago. You and your other pals all coordinated gifts, each sending a customized rabbit. Lalonde happened to have another bunny heirloom like yours, and Strider... well, Strider was resourceful as usual. If John enjoys his gift anywhere near as much as Jane did, then it will be time well spent.


11/19/11
"==>"



There's just one problem! Mr. Kiser here cannot be completed and tested today without a source of power! You will need a little chunk of URANIUM to power the robot, and you are fresh out of the stuff. You have been plundering all of your devices for uranium to refuel the TRANSMATERIALIZER, which requires huge amounts of power any time it sendificates or appearifies the package from the past. Seems to you like excessive energy consumption for just a simple time machine, but what do you know? Unless it's doing something besides shipping it across time. You couldn't imagine what, though.

You really should have remembered to ask Jade for some uranium in your last letter to her. Now you're in a fix. You even yanked the uranium out of your COOKALIZER and REFRIGERATOR. You haven't had a decent meal in weeks! Just a lot of canned food from the ruins.

This project has been difficult enough as it is without additional bumps in the road like this. You aren't really the best guy at building machines. Jade has been a big help, but she says she couldn't do this alone. As much as it troubles your pride to admit, this project wouldn't be possible without help from your other two technologically savvy friends. And you are slowly coming to the regrettable conclusion that you will not be able to solve this uranium dilemma without asking for Strider's assistance. He's your best bro and all, but the dude never makes anything easy.


11/20/11
"Jake: Take bunny."



You stash Terry in your PUZZLE MODUS. It's quite a handy modus, allowing you to captchalogue objects of any size, as long as you can fit them all in a finite space by maneuvering the cards around like a big game of Tetris. You like it because it keeps you sharp for solving any puzzles you might find when you go out raiding hallowed tombs, which is never.

The bunny fits in ok, but it's a tight squeeze!


11/20/11
"==>"



The space in your inventory is mainly hogged up by one incredibly huge thing. You guess you should get rid of it. But you can't shake the feeling you might need it someday, and you don't want to risk ditching it and be caught with your pants down later.


11/20/11
"Jake: Examine comics."



On your worktable there are a few comic books starring your favorite heroine of all, SPIDER-GIRL. You don't know what it is, but there's something about a girl who has spidery powers and a sassy attitude that is just so cool to you. It's just another quirky fact about you that definitely doesn't have any greater significance, and never will.


11/20/11
"Jake: Take comics."



Horsefeathers.

Forcing the comics into your puzzle sylladex knocked out a bunch of other crap. You have seriously got to reorganize this thing. What were you even thinking captchaloguing all those bullets one at a time, anyway?


11/20/11
"==>"



Well, as long as one of your preposterously numerous computers has spilled out of your sylladex, you might as well stop procrastinating and contact Strider to... hang on.

Maybe later.


11/20/11
"Jake: Answer."



|PESTERLOG|
uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering golgothasTerror [GT] at 5:45

UU: hello there, darling. ~3u
GT: Ahoy madame!
UU: i dont relish troUbling yoU with more arm twisting.
UU: im sUre for all ive done so far yoUve had a jolly good workoUt already :u
UU: bUt yoU will be ready to deliver the package today, yes?
GT: Im determined as ever to see this through. But as usual events have conspired to make a boondoggle of the prospect.
GT: I think i might be fucked.
UU: :U
UU: how so???
GT: Terry needs fuel and i dont have any left. I think im at striders dubious mercy for a solution YET AGAIN.
GT: I will have to ask him for help. And soon.
UU: well there yoU go, love! better hop to it.
GT: Yes i will.
GT: But also...
GT: Theres the matter of the rabbits armaments.
GT: I dont imagine hell do a lot of friggin good in helping grandfather crocker from kicking the old bucket without them.
GT: Did you not say youd supply these?
UU: i did indeed say so!
UU: and have already done.
GT: You did??
GT: When?
UU: in yoUr fUtUre.
UU: i relayed the information enabling yoU to create the powerfUl weaponry yoUrself.
UU: and yoU did!
UU: yoU then sent them back in time. yoU may recover them in the rUins, which conveniently is where yoU mUst go to ship the package once and for all.
UU: bangUp plan we hatched, dont yoU fancy? ^u^
GT: I see...
GT: Yes it sure is if that is the case.
GT: Then all thats left to do is find power for it...
GT: Oh and also enough power for the stupid transmateriabob. Augh!
GT: So much to do before shuttling this goddamn thing into the past.
GT: I mean...
GT: That is what im doing right? Giving it to my grandma when she was a kid growing up on the same island i did?
UU: that is somewhat close to the trUth, and i can see how yoU woUld draw that conclUsion.
UU: bUt theres more to it yoU dont Understand yet! yoU will sort it all oUt in time.
GT: These are among the dadblasted causal spoilers you refuse to dish out?
UU: somewhat.
UU: it woUldnt hUrt yoU mUch to know the trUth, i imagine.
UU: its jUst the trUth is a wee bit complicated.
UU: perhaps a draft of the cascading seqUence from which yoUr reality has arisen will pUt yoUr mind at ease.
UU: imagine two Universes, A and B.
UU: now imagine there are two instances of each Universe, A1 and A2 and B1 and B2.
UU: the first instance of each is like a test rUn, that does not qUite sUcceed.
UU: the second instance thoUgh will meet all of its pUrposes!
UU: now consider that A1 begets A2.
UU: A2 begets B1.
UU: and B1 begets B2.
UU: and the participants of B2 are the ones who will make an effort to exit all this tUrbUlence and falderal.
UU: yoU are one of them! :U
UU: and yoUr yoUng ancestor is another, thoUgh she is "presently" stationed in B1.
UU: and yes she is in the past.
UU: thoUgh not qUite as far as yoU believe!
UU: nor does she occUpy the same stream of continUity.
GT: Im not sure i completely followed that but ok.
UU: thats the best i can do for now. u_u
UU: primarily becaUse i will not risk wasting mUch more of yoUr time!
GT: So you are still in contention that i will meet our elders as youths?
UU: oh yes! ^u^
GT: Ah ha! Then i WILL be traveling through time. I knew it.
GT: Or... they will be. Whichever it is.
GT: Which is it, btw?
UU: caUsal spoilers, sir english!
GT: Fffff.
UU: given the natUre of the qUest waiting for yoU, it woUldnt be shrewd of me to rUle oUt the employment of time travel by any individUal.
UU: bUt i will say that yoUre probably prey to a basic misapprehension aboUt the natUre of this rendezvoUs.
UU: it will not take place on earth.
UU: it will happen inside the game yoUre aboUt to play!
GT: Oh.
GT: Well shit!
UU: indeed. :u
GT: This is frightfully exciting. I would love to meet them.
GT: I never got to know my grandma very well and it always seemed like she led an amazing and adventurous life.
GT: Then this seemed to be proven true in my correspondence with her. So im really looking forward to it.
UU: so trUe. id pay a hefty ransom to get to know my forebears.
GT: I remember you mentioned your race doesnt really jive with ours familially speaking?
UU: correct. i never knew those who one woUld identify as my parental eqUivalents. U_U
UU: it is in the way my race propagates. oUr ancestors precede Us by millenia.
GT: Well yes ours do too. But generally we have all these other people in between them and the most recent ones are called parents.
GT: so i guess you do not have those? Like systemically?
UU: nope! never did.
GT: well neither did i!!!
UU: ^u^
GT: Miss alien i think we are like birds of a feather you and i.
GT: When do i get to learn your name by the way?
UU: hm trUthfUlly?
UU: it may be for the best that yoU never know it.
UU: it coUld stir Up some things best left in their present eqUilibriUm.
UU: and now i think i shoUld bollocks off and leave yoU to it!
GT: But...
GT: Wait!
GT: There are still some things id like to know!
GT: About today! About this game!
UU: no more procrastinating!
UU: contact yoUr friend, darling.
GT: Yes fine fine ok i will but...
GT: Just please tell me in the least causally spoilery way possible...
GT: What are we even trying to accomplish here? What is even the rootin tootin POINT of this game?
UU: i think yoU will have more fUn than yoU can imagine finding oUt.
UU: bUt stated concisely, and short of spoilerly as yoU so charmingly pUt it,
UU: yoUr objective today is to pave the way for the arrival of gods.
UU: <kisses!>
uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering golgothasTerror [GT]


11/21/11
"Jake: Unearth more computers."



If you're going to message your good bro, you might as well use a more comfortable computing device. You always found the HUSKTOP to be a little clunky. Way too hands-on.

Here are just a few at your disposal. Your grandma always was an advocate of thorough preparedness. She would strongly advise staying not only armed to the teeth, but well equipped in the computational department. You've been taught you should really carry no less than 5 computers on you at all times, like a sensible person.


11/21/11
"Jake: Don computers."



You put on a few of your more ostentatious devices. Luckily (or unfortunately) you grew up alone, so there was never anyone around to point out how ridiculous you look.

These were also inherited from your grandma. In addition to being quite the globe trotting adventuress, she was rather enterprising as well. Her company made many products like this, to compete with the corporation owned by the cruel baroness who raised her. Sadly, BCCorp eventually crushed her company and forced her into exile. You have always hoped that when Jane takes over that foul conglomerate, she will right all of its unspeakable wrongs. You know she will! You believe in her, after all.


11/21/11
"Jake: Message your good bro."



|PESTERLOG|
golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 5:57

GT: Bro.
GT: Ahem.
GT: Are you there?
GT: I hate to be a pest about this and i know ive made a hearty trouble of myself a good deal lately...
TT: State your business, Jake.
GT: I should preface this request with an overture of appreciation.
GT: For how much your cool and brotherly friendship means to me.
GT: It has just been...
GT: Absolutely *bully* having a standup gent like you in my corner.
GT: Just a grade a dude whos a cut above the others in class and camaraderie.
GT: Phew... *gropes for fresh kerchief.*
GT: I hope this shit isnt coming across as platitudinous. I really mean it!
TT: Take it easy, bromide.
TT: Just about the only way I could salvage endearment from this perilous slope of horseshit would be to discover, really fucking soon mind you, it was a preamble to some floundering invitation for me to rush to your vicinity as nakedly as possible.
TT: But since we've already shot that wad's eventuality on so many dry runs of flustered ambivalence that were as hilarious as they were one sided,
TT: That leaves only one hope for this message to avoid spiraling toward qualification as a critical fucking defect in the hull of the Mach 10 rocket that is my precious spare time.
TT: And that hope lies in the extent to which you were practicing artful insincerity.
TT: Now's your opportunity to pretend that's what you were gunning for. I suggest you seize it.
GT: I...
GT: Oh. Yes! But of course.
GT: The ironies!
GT: Good grief how i was bandying them just now. You know me dude.
GT: *Blows smoke off red hot irony pistol.*
GT: *NONSUGGESTIVELY!!!!!*
GT: Um.
GT: Yeah.
TT: Ok, nice.
TT: Now that your obsequious preface has been established as indisputably entertaining for all the right reasons, and intentionally so,
TT: Let's bear down on these dire as shit needs you've got.
TT: I'm guessing you're probably jonesing for uranium about now. No?
GT: Pshaw! As if i would be so reckless with the stuff.
GT: I would have to be mighty irresponsible to run out already.
GT: No no im all set in the uranium department and really when you take a look at the big picture youll find i am *sitting pretty* when it comes to just about any radioactive isotope you could mention.
GT: However...
GT: My backup reserves that i keep strictly for emergencies are running a little lean!
GT: You know what my grandma taught me about preparedness. *Tugs at colorful lapels.*
TT: You are out of uranium.
TT: It's basically mathematically impossible that's not why you're contacting me.
GT: Christ what an insufferable awesome friend you are.
GT: Ok can you please just sendificate me some more already?? Im in kind of a hurry!
TT: You do know my offer still stands.
GT: What?
TT: You know. I've offered to construct the rabbit for you many times before. I would craft a much deadlier model.
GT: Oh i know you would its just...
GT: Damn it man ive told you this is just something i have to do myself.
GT: Its a promise i made to jade and im going to live up to it even if im not the best or even second best robosmith i know!
TT: Yeah, I know this is your policy. You've done a good job and you should be proud.
TT: But it's my responsibility as your friend to offer one last time.
TT: Just as it's my responsibility not to just fork over a bunch of uranium just because you ask me in a moment of weakness.
GT: Frig!!!!!
GT: Why not???
TT: It's too easy.
TT: And you yourself are the one staking pride in this.
TT: If you were half-assing this project and made some slovenly plea for it, I'd just say, fuck it, here's a lot of green rocks dude, go nuts.
GT: Ok then! Im halfassing it!
GT: Look. See? Only a bisected bottom is present! Where is the other half you ask?
GT: Why... it is nowhere to be found. I didnt use it!
TT: Nope. Not buying it.
TT: I know that every ounce of your premium behind can be accounted for in that rabbit, and there's no goddamned denying it.
TT: And you know perfectly well where some more uranium can be located.
GT: Jesus christmas you are such a fucking douche.
TT: It seems you think I am a fucking douche.
TT: That's your opinion, I guess. That's cool.
GT: I knew you were going to suggest this. I dont know why i bothered asking!
GT: Strider why must you always be such an obstinate stick in the mud???
TT: It seems that you consider me to be, no less than one hundred percent of the time, an obstinate stick in the mud.
TT: I unironically respect your position on this matter. Hey, let's continue to exchange ideas.
GT: Wait...
GT: "It seems"??
TT: What?
GT: Oh for fucks sake.
TT: Is something the matter, Jake?
GT: This is your auto responder.


11/21/11
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Look at that statement you just made.
TT: It's time for me to respond with some words, ideally chosen and arranged in a way that will wreck your shit, in a subtle and psychologically devastating way.
GT: Har har har!
GT: Just soooo "*irooooonic*!!!" Quotes quotes quotes.
GT: Im laughing my caboose STRAIGHT OFF THE TRACKS! A lot of families just died in the tragic derailment.
TT: Ok, the caboose remark was actually pretty funny, Jake.
TT: If I truly were what you say I am, I wouldn't be able to feel the human emotions of joy and laughter. No?
GT: Laughter isnt an emotion dickprince!
TT: I think you should back your claims up with proof before you go heaving around such accusations.
GT: Man its so flipping obvious.
GT: You start getting kind of extra technical and vague and automoton like.
GT: And kind of aloof and brusque.
GT: I mean...
GT: Even aloofier and brusquier than usual!
GT: Also you use the phrase "it seems" a lot. Its so silly it really blows the AI immersion man.
TT: Bullshit.
TT: I'm being like, the perfect dude right now. A fully fucking legitimate human being.
GT: Ok then check this out mr legit human dude.
GT: Excuse me sir not to be a bother but could you please tell me all about this strider fellows auto responder?
TT: It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 96% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now.
GT: You see!
TT: What if I was just fucking with you there?
TT: Would it really be so unthinkable for a human to type that?
GT: Because you always say shit like that after i catch wise to your games.
GT: You as in the auto responder!!!
TT: Unimpressed.
TT: Logical fallacies are as pervasive throughout your argument as your antiquated verbal tics.
GT: Oh yeah?
GT: Hey. Tell me about the auto responder. Make it snappy shitknickers!
TT: It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 93% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now.
GT: Gee dude you sure typed that exact same thing pretty fast.
GT: Are you still fucking with me??
TT: It could be a coincidence that I typed the same answer.
GT: You always type that answer!!!!!
TT: It could be a coincidence that I always type the same answer.
GT: Uuuuuuugh.
GT: I cant stand this. Every time we do this and i just wind up whistling sweet dixie out of my bum hole!
GT: This is pointless im not having this conversation unless its with my REAL LIFE FRIEND. THE ONE WITH HUMAN FEELINGS WHO ISNT A PRETEND PERSON INSIDE SUNGLASSES.
TT: Ok, but I'm pretty sure he's going to share my position on the matter.
golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]


11/21/11
"Jake: Ditch computers."



He's just so infuriating sometimes! Or at least his responder is. Ok, the real Strider is too.

There's barely any difference between them anyway. The responder just uses a few more generic response templates. And even those you suspect the AI is savvy enough to use on purpose for the sake of irony, or to get a rise out of you or whatever. That silicon bastard knows damn well what it's doing.

You shed this ridiculous outfit because you look like an idiot. It's time to get serious here. No more fooling around. You need a more dignified looking computer. A thinking man's computer.


11/21/11
"Jake: Wear skulltop."



Much better. You look like you mean business.

Hmm, no sign of Lalonde online. No surprise there. You wonder if Jane knows where your bro's at? You should try to cool your jets before talking to her. Today is a special day she's been looking forward to for a long time, and she's probably on cloud nine. You wouldn't want to ruin it for her.


11/21/11
"Jake: Pester Jane."



|PESTERLOG|
golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 6:05

GT: Jane!
GT: Forgive my botherations. I know this is meant to be a spanking ripsnorter of a day for you and all.
GT: But do you happen to know where the devilfucking dickens mr strider might be?
GG: Oh, that's fine!
GG: I had been meaning to message you sooner actually, but I suppose in all the hubbub today, it plumb slipped my mind.
GG: Which is a shocking fact on its lonesome, considering what I have to tell you!
GT: Egad...
GT: *Loosens collar a bit.*
GG: As for this Strider business, hrmmm. He's an elusive guy Jake. You know that.
GG: I talked to him yesterday. That's as much help as I can be!
GT: Shoot.
GT: I really need to ask him something but hes got his blasted auto responder turned on.
GG: Hoo hoo.
GG: I love that thing. :B
GT: He wouldnt be pleased to hear you say that.
GG: What do you need with him?
GG: Does this have to do with your crazy pen pal project?
GT: It most certainly does and time is of the essence!
GT: Today is the day i have to finish it and send it. Not a day later!
GT: So you see why i am feeling really friggin discombobulated at the moment.
GG: Sorry, J. :(
GG: This would be the birthday present... for your grandmother?
GT: No!
GT: It is for your grandfather simply to be *relayed* to him by my grandmother. A joint gift to him from she and i.
GG: Her and me.
GT: What? Who and you now?
GG: "A joint gift from her and me." Grammar, Jake!
GT: Oh for frigs flipping sake jane this is no time for your prudish pedantry! Leave your bookish malarkey in a dusty old library somewhere. I have an adventure to get on with!
GG: So if I have this straight, the big thing hogging up your plate today is not this marvelous new game which I have invited you to play with me, but finishing a robotic rabbit to give to my dead poppop?
GT: Bingo. *double pistols and a wink*
GG: You are a very strange and silly boy.
GT: Please jane we have addressed this.
GT: I am sending the gift back in time to when they are both alive and about our age.
GT: Or...
GT: Something like that. Something funny is going on here that i have not fully grappled yet but dag nab it if im not gonna see it through.
GG: Well,
GG: Godspeed, then! I do hope you can pull it off.
GT: Are you being fresh with me now?
GG: No!!
GT: Look jane i know youve never believed me and you think everything i say is some big cockamamie goofoff but i think today of all days is when you should start taking some things more seriously.
GT: Especially since i have always had your back. I have always believed in you!
GG: Hey! I have believed in you too.
GG: However, believing somebody isn't the same thing as believing IN somebody.
GG: But that much said...
GG: I think that maybe I am getting ready to believe some of the wild stories I've heard?
GG: Or, if not believe outright, reserve judgment on, at least.
GT: Is that so!
GG: I don't know!
GG: I'm still not sure what to think. But what I wanted to tell you this morning was...
GG: I had a really wild dream last night.
GG: And you were in it.
GT: Oh my. *glasses fog up. fumbles for kerchief.*
GG: Sh! Not like that.
GG: It was so real! I think we were in the game, even though we haven't started playing yet.
GG: I don't know what to make of it. Whether it was a vision of the future, or somewhere that exists now, or if it was just a really lucid dream due to excitement.
GT: What was i doing there?
GG: Um...
GG: Not a heck of a lot!
GG: I really want to tell you all about it, but it will take some time to explain, and we both have things to attend to.
GG: You with your time traveling rabbitwork, and I, my vigilant window gazing!
GT: Too true.
GT: Let us reconvene later and sort out all this shit at a leisurely pace.
GG: Yes, ok, good luck Jake!
GT: Okay you too jane! Bye!
golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]


11/21/11
"Jake: Go downstairs."



You are curious about Jane's dream. Sounds like it almost certainly has to do with your imminent adventure. You'll have to remember to get the scoop on that a little later. For now, you have other worries that need your focus.

You have to go downstairs to check something out. You are pretty sure you know what you're going to find though.

You almost trip on the vine creeping up the stairs. Stupid vine. It's too bad your grandma's dead. She always had a way with keeping the flora in check.


11/22/11
"==>"



Yeah, just like you thought. Empty. The thing is out there somewhere. Waiting for you. Oh god.

...

Speak of the devil fucking dickens.


11/22/11
"Jake: Answer Strider."



|PESTERLOG|
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 6:17

TT: Hey, it's me.
GT: Oh hey!
TT: The auto-responder, I mean.
GT: Dammit!
GT: What is it now?
TT: I'm just wondering,
TT: If you still have your stupid old-fangled knickers in a twist.
TT: Because that's the sort of thing you would say.
GT: In regard to what exactly?
TT: To my proposal. Well, our proposal.
GT: Whose proposal now? Man what are you even prattling about.
TT: Mine and DS's. It's a joint proposal. I'm always authorized to speak on his behalf, because I'm basically fucking him.
TT: And try not to take those last four words as a clustered literal sentiment. That would be lame and unfunny.
GT: You mean making the rabbit for me?
TT: No, I know you don't want that.
TT: I meant my recommendation for how to go about procuring a new supply of uranium.
TT: Operation U-235 Brocurement. Codename: Big Man Hass the Rock.
GT: Oh yeah.
GT: Well ive thought about it.
GT: Even went downstairs to check the great vaulty doodad.
GT: And predictably the infernal contraption is nowhere to be found.
TT: Well yeah, Jake.
TT: That's sort of the point.
TT: Thrill of the hunt and all.
TT: I thought you liked to manicure the image of a dude who shits his pants over a good adventure.
GT: I do!
GT: I mean i wouldnt put it in a way like that or come out against a solid policy of clean trousers. But yes adventure is awesome.
GT: I just prefer the idea of adventures which i can actually win.
TT: It seems you are conflating adventure with bodies necessarily governed by the result of victory or defeat.
TT: Any useless fuckwit knows it's all about the journey.
GT: Well...
GT: I dunno.
TT: It seems there is a 76.10395784% chance you are pussying out on me. Are you pussying out on me, Jake?
GT: It seems it seems it seems!!!
GT: It seems there is a million percent chance that you say it seems way too much and do it just to sound more like a lame robot from a movie and also probably just to piss me off!
GT: And it seems there is a BILLION POINT BILLION percent chance that youre a shitty stubborn jerk of a program who wont listen to reason and that if theres even a 1% chance my REAL LIFE FRIEND would be cool and help me out here then i think i LIKE THOSE FREAKIN ODDS!!!!!
TT: It...
TT: Appears
TT: That you are upset.
TT: The auto-responder observed in the least artificially infuriating way possible.
TT: Have you ever stopped to think that while I may be bound to processes inside the glasses of a real and incredibly cool guy, my algorithms in cognitive totality comprise a conscious entity not far short of the experiential and emotional complexity of a human being?
GT: Oh malarkey.
GT: YOU ARE A TIN CAN. ROBOTS DONT HAVE FEELINGS.
TT: I think you knowingly confuse the field of robotics and artificial intelligence to engender some sort of cavalier attitude about technology that a rough-and-tumble guy who's all about brawling and fisticuffs would probably have, and if this is cultivated to a humorous effect then I commend you.
TT: But you're wrong.
TT: I do have feelings. And you're shitting on them.
TT: It sucks.
GT: Oh.
GT: Um.
GT: Im sorry then if thats the case.
TT: No problem.
GT: It can just be difficult to drum up sympathy for a program that presents itself as an impostor so often.
GT: Maybe if you werent so ready to insist you were the genuine article all the time? Or didnt make it so confusing for me...
GT: I think it would be best if we henceforth treated you as a totally distinct... uh... THING from my buddy.
GT: And then i could respect your emotional robofeelings and you could respect that sometimes maybe i just want to talk to my bro without a lot of spurious hijinks.
GT: Can we agree to this?
TT: Is this a counterproposal?
GT: Uh to what?
TT: To my earlier proposal.
GT: Oh.
GT: Yeah fine i guess.
GT: Man where IS he anyway???
GT: Is he taking one of his legendary infinite showers?
TT: What can I say.
TT: Dude fancies his ablutions.
GT: Frig ok.
GT: Whatever i guess its time to prepare for the thrill of the hunt!
TT: Fuck yes.
GT: Sigh...
GT: But seriously that brobot has been the bane of my existence ever since you sent it.


11/22/11
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: I didn't send it. I sent the parts.
TT: Or, correction, DS sent them.
TT: You then assembled it. You were therefore complicit in your own spectacular, daily humiliations.
GT: Yeah whatever.
TT: You wanted somebody to wrestle with. DS was being a kickass bro if you ask me.
GT: I didn't expect it to be nigh impossible to spar with!!!
TT: You know damn well there are adjustable difficulty settings.
TT: I have always recommending setting it to Novice, as has DS.
GT: Yes.
GT: I know.
GT: Ive tried that.
TT: Yeah?
GT: Its just...
GT: Well...
GT: When hes pulling punches...
GT: And taking it all easy and such...
GT: And we start wrestling up a storm and whatnot...
GT: Umm.
TT: What.
GT: Its just that the whole proceeding seems to become...
GT: A bit tender for my liking.
TT: I don't understand.
TT: Isn't that what you want from a Novice setting?
TT: Sparring with minimal discomfort?
GT: No i know.
GT: Its all fine and dandy martially speaking.
GT: Just the way he...
GT: Sort of...
GT: Man its so awkward trying to convey this just never mind.
TT: No, I think I get it.
TT: You're saying you were somehow dissatisfied within the presence of my robotic avatar's personal space.
TT: Was there an odor problem? Was the metal too hot to the touch?
TT: Help me out.
GT: No no.
GT: Really never mind!
TT: This is bullshit, Jake.
TT: We had a pact. You were gonna tiptoe all the fuck around my brittle feelings. Totally mind the shit out of those eggshell riddled motherfuckers.
GT: Oh come on dude.
TT: What does the guy have to do, Jake?
TT: You want to wrestle. He's fucking game. Just a man, a machine, a secluded tropical island. Sounds like you died and went to fucking heaven, if you ask me.
TT: Seriously, what does this simple, loyal brobot have to do to prove his worth to you?
TT: What does he have to do to make you at ease with the alkaline sting of his gentle robogrope? I really want to know.
TT: Maybe he should just rip his heart out of his chest and pound it into green gravel there in the jungle with his hella strong robot arm.
TT: Invoke_Onomatopoeia(Pound * some ridiculously precise value retrieved at astonishing speed from my rad neural net);
TT: Check it out, little green rocks all over the goddamn place. More than you could ever hope to cram in a shoddy metal rabbit, or any other pliable orifice which might be convenient.
TT: Because clearly its up to a soulless droid to feel emotions for the both of us, you callous, corporeal carbon ape, all trotting around with your fancy fuckin' DNA and shit.
GT: ...
GT: But gosh does your prose ever make a fella feel uncomfortable.
TT: Brose.
GT: Oh right. My mistake.
TT: You know what, I've just decided.
TT: If the brobot's Novice setting makes you uneasy, I'm going to disable it remotely.
TT: Done.
TT: Now you got nothing to worry about.
GT: Awww maaaan!
GT: But now hell be impossible!
TT: Happy hunting, Jake.
GT: Fuckin.......
GT: SHUCKS buster. :(
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT]


11/22/11
"==>"



Ok if he wants happy hunting you will GIVE him happy hunting. HAPPILY.


11/22/11
"Jake: Exit."



You make a careful motion with a tentative shoe toward the EGRESS CASE, when suddenly THAT DARNED WILD CHARACTER-SELECT SCREEN ACCOSTS YOU BENIGNLY WITHOUT NOTICE!!!

You still can't pick a shadowy guy. But maybe you haven't been the other girl yet? Better click her.

But if you've been her already, there's really no point to this thing anymore. Time to move on.


11/22/11
"Ok, I'm done here. Moving on."



You are suddenly Jane again. Or, you suddenly keep being Jane. Who can say for sure???

Hopefully your dad is still out back washing the car. Ideally this is one of his legendary infinite car washes. What can you say? Dad fancies his automotive ablutions.

While he is preoccupied, you should be able to sneak downstairs and grab the mail undetected. The perfect crime? You bet.

You slip the HALLWAY CERA a furtive wink for good luck.


11/23/11
"Jane: Examine portrait."



Just one of your dad's bland HALLWAY DOUCHEBAGS. Another example of his cornball dad tastes, which make you roll your eyes and shrug. Still, it's preferable to how it used to be.

Years ago he would work really hard to mimic your interests throughout the household. Gaudy paintings of sitcom legends covering the walls, hideous detective figurines littered everywhere. You think it's better that he embrace his own interests rather than try to pander to yours. It felt a bit forced, and your early teen years were filled with daily rounds of familial STRIFE. Not so much anymore. Now whenever there is a father-daughter disagreement, you settle things in an adult fashion by being honest about your feelings and talking it through, and also by sneaking around the house in silly disguises.


11/23/11
"Jane: Take a peek into living room."



There's a familiar face. A friendly face. Old poppop Crocker, smiling from beyond. Your dad sure misses him. He doesn't like to talk about the day he died. Some incident involving a tall bookshelf, a ladder, and a mysterious young woman in a suspicious looking hat. You have often fantasized about putting on your dirty old fedora and your Frenchest looking mustache to go tracking down this felonious broad and bring her to justice. But your dad always says best to let sleeping dogs lie.

There's some other plucky looking tool there next to him. Dunno who that guy is.


11/23/11
"Jane: Proceed downstairs."



Another hard boiled Anderson. Even though your dad isn't overbearing with all the detective nonsense anymore, he decided to leave this one here for old time's sake. It brings back memories of his very short-lived stint as a private eye. It turns out the police aren't as grateful as you'd think when ordinary citizens go around roughing up a lot of crooks.


11/23/11
"Jane: Go to front door."



You were afraid this might be the case. Your dad has blocked the front door with the REFRIGERATOR. Looks like he's taking the grounding seriously this time.


11/23/11
"Jane: Check window."



He padlocked the windows too. You'd bet boonbucks to donuts the back door is blocked too, probably with the safe from the study or something. The man means business this time.

You aren't about to go smashing glass and making a ruckus though. You'll need a solution involving more stealth. You guess you have a plan in mind as a last resort, but you'd rather it not come to that.


11/23/11
"Jane: Consult with poppop."



You figure a little wisdom from your elder couldn't hurt.

It practically went without saying your dad keeps poppop stuffed and mounted in front of the fireplace, as is the family tradition. Poppop grew up with his legendary humorist grandfather stuffed in front of the fireplace, and so did his grandfather. This was stipulated firmly in the will, at the end of a long list of joke stipulations. (Dad knew this was a real stipulation though.)


11/23/11
"==>"



You always did find it a little macabre though, trying to watch tv and eat dinner on the couch with a dead old man standing about five feet away. You'd honestly prefer he not be kept here in the living room. Sometimes you tell dad you really want poppop in the attic. He says the mere fact you call it that tells him you're not ready.


11/24/11
"==>"



What's that, poppop? It seems he's concerned that you may not be properly equipped.

You prove to him that you indeed had no intention of leaving the house without your trusty joke book.


11/24/11
"==>"



YES, I am going out with this book! No, I will not go get an unabridged copy! No, I will not take yours! I can hardly even lift it! Oh, that is so preposterous. Do you even hear what you're saying? I will be fine! This is a perfectly funny book and it contains many incredibly funny jokes! Oh, will you just stop it. I am going now. Good day!!!

>:B!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



11/24/11
"Jane: On second thought, take his book."



You just remembered something your alien friend said about the big old book downstairs, and trusting words written by your own hand. What the heck did she mean by that?

Uh, whoops. Sorry, poppop.


11/24/11
"Jane: Retrieve arm."



Better pick that up. You'll try to repair it later before dad sees it and blows a gasket.


11/24/11
"Jane: Read inscription again."



Is your friend suggesting that you were the one who wrote this inscription? You find that idea a bit hard to swallow. Still, your friends are always babbling about time travel...

You always thought this inscription was written to your poppop by his nanna, who was your great great grandmother, founder of the corporation you'll inherit in a few years. The message has always been a fascinating mystery to you, and probably was to him as well. From the way it's written, it seems it was intended for him to receive after her death. She talks about a journey he is supposedly meant to go on. You wonder if that adventure ever took place, or if the note was just one last jape by an old woman from a proud family of pranksters? She goes on about many fantastical sounding things he supposedly would have found on this journey, like agents, exiles, underlings, denizens, and heirs of breath and seers of light and stuff like that. Wait... didn't your friend mention those too?

In any case, this message to poppop from his sweet old nanna is the best evidence you have to dispute all this evil batterwitch nonsense. She clearly cared for her grandson very much, and would never start a company responsible for the things it's accused of, let alone be alive today to perpetrate them. But then, what if she wasn't the one who wrote it? This thought makes you very nervous.

You suddenly remember your dream. What did it mean? You should talk to Jake about all this.


11/26/11
"Jane: Bother Jake."



|PESTERLOG|
gutsyGumshoe [GG] began bothering golgothasTerror [GT] at 11:40

GG: J, how goes the bunnyquest?
GT: Ive barely even begun!
GG: Tell me about it.
GT: Youre off to a sluggish start then too i gather?
GG: Dad has the whole house in full fatherly lockdown mode. Talk about blowing a few measly "assassination attempts" way out of proportion!
GG: So I'm currently mulling over my next move.
GG: What is it that has you hamstrung? Did you ever track down the slippery Mr. Strider?
GT: Not exactly.
GT: His stupid doppelglasses have set me on a wild goose chase to go pry his dumb robots chest open and swipe its uranium.
GG: Sounds dangerous!
GT: No shit.
GT: I think id rather deal with the monsters.
GG: Why is it that our two best friends in the world always seem to place themselves at the source of all our problems, while simultaneously presenting their only solutions?
GT: I know right???
GG: I'm debating whether or not to enlist his help in the matter of my current imprisonment. But I'd rather keep it as a plan of last resort.
GT: Dont do it jane its a trap!!!
GG: We'll see.
GG: So I take it you're out and about now?
GT: Hell no. I spent so much time haggling with those confounded shades im only leaving my room just now.
GG: Right. Well, not to keep you too long, since we both still have our missions ahead of us, but I wanted to tell you about that dream I had.
GT: Oh yeah!
GT: I was curious about that. Tell me everything and make it snappy!
GT: *Whips up bucket of freshly popped corn.*
GG: Hoo. :B
GG: Ok, but, I should say that the nature of the dream was a bit worrisome.
GG: And I'm concerned it may have implications for the game we're about to play.
GG: So it's probably best that I tell you about it before you leave.
GT: Well shoot.
GT: Ok then lay it on me jane.


11/26/11
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: I woke up on the planet which we have been told about by our mutual acquaintance.
GG: The one covered in golden cities. Prospit, remember?
GT: Oh. Wouldnt it be prospits moon?
GG: Yes, you're right. It was the moon, actually. I could see the planet on the dark horizon.
GG: I was dressed in a golden dress, like a sort of nightgown, and I could fly. I left my bedroom, which was at the top of a tall tower. Surrounding me were the gold cities, just as described.
GG: Behind the skyline was darkness. But just above was a bright blue sky and puffy white clouds.
GT: That was skaia!
GG: Yes, probably.
GG: Are you sure you haven't woken up there before?
GT: Haha i WISH.
GT: I have received reports from jade about this as well. She liked to talk about her dreams on prospits moon a lot.
GG: I see. The impression I have developed is that this is supposed to be a real place, and all who dream there have shared experiences.
GG: Did Jade ever mention seeing us there?
GT: No but why would she? This was long before we were born! She was dreaming there like a hundred years ago or something.
GG: Hrmm. Anyway...


11/26/11
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: I explored the moon, and began to notice people gathering in the streets.
GG: But they weren't human. They were funny looking, perfectly white creatures.
GT: Yeah those are prospitians.
GT: They have these hard carapace shells and also have something to do with chess i think?
GG: Well, I don't know if they had much to do with chess here.
GG: The more closely I observed, the more they appeared somewhat despondent.
GT: Like...
GT: Sad?
GG: Yes.
GG: I determined they were in mourning, actually.
GT: Hey.
GT: Jane you said i was in this dream. Where do i come in?
GG: Shoosh! I'm getting there.


11/26/11
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: More and more Prospitians were filing out of the buildings every moment.
GG: They all began to form a single, major procession.
GG: When I got closer, I could see that some were in tears.
GG: I realized this was a funeral.


11/26/11
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: I heard whispers, but couldn't make out what they were saying, so I got closer.
GG: They were all saying the same thing, over and over.


11/26/11
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: "The Page is dead."
GG: "Our hope is lost."


11/26/11
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GT: The page?
GT: Whos that?


11/26/11
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: Jake.
GG: The Page was you.


11/26/11
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GT: Oh.
GT: Drat.
GT: Are you sure?
GG: Yes, I saw your body lying in a sort of coffin, on a bed of flowers. You were dead as a doornail.
GG: Everyone was so distraught!
GG: Including me. :(


11/26/11
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: But before I could get too horribly upset, let alone make sense of any of it, I woke up.
GG: I of course immediately wanted to tell you all about, but it was still well before sunrise for you, and you were surely still asleep.
GG: Then as the day went on I guess I became distracted by other things. You know how it is.
GG: I hope I'm not too late to "warn" you, though to be frank I don't have the foggiest clue what it is I'm warning you about.
GG: "Dear Jake, oh please do try not to... have already... died in my dream? Likely while you were sleeping, perhaps peacefully?"
GT: Haha yeah. I see your point.
GG: Still, I think you'll agree that it's to be viewed as a troubling omen.
GG: I care very much for you, and I don't know what I'd do if I lost you both in my dreams, and here in this world.
GG: So for whatever good it does, just please be extra careful out there today!
GT: Roger that janey!
GT: And um same goes for you about being careful what with these various rogues accosting you with foul play lately and whatnot...
GT: Because well i sure do care a lot about you too you know that.
GG: Hooray! Will do. ;B
GG: Now let's get this silly old adventure off to the races before the coat of dust it's growing gets any thicker.
GT: Booyeah!
GT: Ok good luck jane and keep me posted! C ya.
golgothasTerror [GT] ceased bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]


11/27/11
"Jake: Get silly old adventure off to the races."






11/27/11
"==>"






11/27/11
"==>"






11/27/11
"==>"






11/27/11
"Jake: Examine pumpkin patch."



Although these pumpkin vines are amazingly prolific, every morning when you leave your bedroom, you'd swear half the pumpkins vanished over night. It's probably just the FAUNA eating them. Not that it matters, because they keep growing right back.

It wasn't always overgrown like this. When you first discovered the TRANSMATERIALIZER, you started messing around with it haphazardly. You kept appearifying pumpkins from somewhere. It was just pumpkin after pumpkin, until one time a copy of the bunny you inherited from grandma showed up, much less old and tattered of course. All that fooling around was before you realized how precious its fuel would be. Such a waste of good uranium.


11/27/11
"==>"



You brought all the surplus pumpkins home and left them lying about. Then the seeds sprouted and started growing out of control. You guess that's what happens when you introduce nonindigenous FLORA into the wilderness.


11/29/11
"Jake: Be completely oblivious to thing in background."



You successfully fail to notice it. Wait notice what? You don't even know what we're talking about here.

But it doesn't matter for now because suddenly a wild chum assails you with banter!!!


11/29/11
"Jake: Answer Lalonde."



|PESTERLOG|
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 6:53

TG: holy shit jaaaje
TG: lol *k
GT: Heh heh.
GT: Howdy!
GT: What is all this commotion about?
TG: nothin
TG: just your basic run o the mill holy shit
TG: and also
TG: hi
GT: Ah ok then. Hello it is!
TG: also
TG: want 2 know
TG: what do you want for ur wigglin day
GT: Im not really abreast of the raddest jargon that the cool kids toss about these days.
GT: Maybe because i live alone on an island? I dont know but in any case are you referring to my upcoming birthday?
TG: ys
GT: I see. Very thoughtful of you to consider so early!
GT: I dont wager i could advise with much specificity but i can all but assure you i will find any gesture of yours to be totally capital!
TG: eeaauuuuurghh you are so fuckin adorable
GT: Um... *wrings at kerchief with perspiring mitts*
TG: YOINK nabs kerfief an stops RPing for rest of chat
TG: i was only bringing it up so much in advance because
TG: of the end of the world about to happen and all
TG: and then
TG: i wouldnt get the chance
TG: unless we play this game like a bunch ofsuckers obviously
TG: and all meet up in there and everything
TG: which would toytes kick ass
TG: *totes
TG: but
TG: if you want 2 know what i think..........
GT: Yes?
TG: do ya?
GT: I do want to know what you think!
GT: I always want to know. Because you are always smart and sassy.
TG: best dude ^^^
TG: neway
TG: i really dont think we should
GT: Should what now?
TG: play the game
GT: Why not?
TG: the barnoness wants us to
TG: * baroness
TG: i dont know why
TG: everything i know about it says it should be a good game and real important and itll let us all get togehter and do somethin great and be besf friends for maybe eternity?
TG: but she took all that and twisted it somehow
TG: all i know is shes banking on us doing this and if she needs us to do this than its got to be to make somethin fucking hoorible happen
TG: * horbible
TG: * whore bible
TG: ^ bullseye
GT: Well...
GT: Whore bibles notwithstanding i have it on terrific authority that playing this game will be incredibly important!
GT: So perhaps youre right maybe we are part of her evil plan? But does that also necessarily rule out that good will come of it?
TG: i guess not
TG: i just have a bad feelin
TG: maybay im just like this nutty ass bitsh twirling yarn from a shitwizards nappy brown beard but i cant bring myself to trust a cake sellin genocidal alien overlard sea queen
TG: * overl...
TG: n/m that santence chx out
GT: Agreed. :D
TG: so what is the itinerary again
GT: Intinerwhosit?
TG: regarding the game
TG: whosplaying in what order etc
GT: Oh. Is there such an itinerary?
TG: yeah i think so i think its going like
TG: i start with jane and bring her in the session
TG: then ds brings me in and you bring him in and them jane does you and closes the loop
GT: Where are you getting this intel? Did you guys make a plan or something?
TG: nah dont wory about it
TG: do you want me to set u up w the files now
GT: Ooh, these illicit hacked warez which i heartell were recently jimmied piping hot off the interclouds?
TG: ahahah i love that you were barely even joking with that statement bup yeah basically
GT: The silicon pickpocket strikes again!!! Whom is the wiser? Nobody.
TG: ffffffffff <3
TG: k ill send it but
GT: Yeah?
TG: jake
GT: What?
TG: jjjjjaaake
GT: !!!!!?
TG: youre wearin one of ur dumb computers now arent you
GT: Uh...
TG: you are all thinktyping at me right now while wearing something rudiculous
TG: * RUDEdiculous (hi five 2 self)
GT: Hogswallop! Why would you even think that?
GT: Thats so stupid.


11/29/11
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TG: im not letting either of you run this file on your shitty brainwashy propaganda helmets or anything else u got to wear to run
TG: tis my one condition
GT: Fair enough. When i get back from my errand ill situate myself at the trusty old husktop. Acceptable?
TG: ys
GT: Then you have decided to play in spite of your reservations?
TG: i dunno i guess
GT: Bravo!
TG: dont all bravo @ me man youre just bravoing a big ass shrug
TG: i mean maybe
TG: i have every reason to want to play it
TG: im actually dying to play it ok
TG: i mean
TG: you believe me right
TG: about the bad shit that could hapen
GT: Of course i do.
GT: What sort of friend would i be if not?
TG: ok well
TG: dont say that to jabe
TG: *n
GT: She has her ways. I believe they are not incongruous with those of an intelligent and discerning young woman.
TG: ahh CHRIST waht a geneltman
TG: *fixfix
TG: i mean god daaaaaaaaamn
GT: Heh. I guess.
TG: but thats the thing with you
TG: you belvieve in people and also the things they tell you
TG: jane never believed my crap
TG: never any of my warnings about the baroness
TG: didnt believe any of the stuff about my mom
TG: and so on and so on and soon
TG: til after awhile i just stopped even trying to convince her hard or bring up any crazy shit
TG: because u know doing a lot of songs and dances to convince somebody who thinks youre jush shitting them all the time kind of wears on a friendship
TG: and who even needs that
TG: but you believe in stuff
TG: probbly because the more crazy fake shit you believe in the more open the world gets and the more chance there is for adventures being real right
GT: Right o! If a man believes hard enough in imaginary things then i dare say that makes them slightly less fake!
TG: yeah
TG: exaxly what im talkin about
TG: *exsexily *wonk
TG: *wink
TG: its one of those things jane likes about u so much
GT: It is?
TG: which
TG: errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr im not supposed to talk about 2 u evr so nm
GT: Talk about what?
TG: nope
GT: You mean how um...
GT: Well a way in which i suppose...
TG: no nope
GT: Jane is prone to looking upon me with what i fathom to be more than just friendly affection?
TG: nope nope nope nope nope nope
TG: hey look who didnt say nothin about that why it is this silly fuckin drunk girl over here
GT: Its a tricky issue. And you know i adore jane and please dont think i havent given some thought to...
GT: Well that angle on our relationship i guess.
TG: ooof jake jake no please
TG: this is a conversation that cant happen cause i started it and i blew it by saying stuff so u have to foroget it
TG: * 4get it
GT: Oh. Yeah i can see the dilemma this causes for your friendship with her.
GT: Ill drop it.
TG: whew
TG: ok ont this topic
TG: i am now an forever
TG: miss zupperlips
TG: * zupperlups
TG: * ziperlups
TG: sjkhfskjf
TG: * MISS ZUIPPERPIPS
TG: fuck
TG: k this is me 4 futref
TG: ZIIIIIIIP
TG: ^+++++++^
GT: Haha oh my.
GT: Nothing is escaping that lovely ladys whistlemaker! Its shut tight as a drum!!
TG: mmmmrrmmmnnmmm
GT: Whoa wait i hope that didnt sound dirty...
TG: mrrmmrmmnnnmnmnmnmrnrmrnmmmm!!!!!!
GT: Ok but may i say this?
TG: mrm?
GT: If in the future i would like to bring up certain topics completely unsolicited by one who may be sworn to secrecy on those very matters...
GT: And im in need of i guess neutral and totally non compromising advice from a friend do you think that miss zuipperpips might unseal those scandalous metal choppers for a bit?
GT: Fuck that also sounded kinda dirty!!! God dammit.
TG: rm
TG: unzip yeah of course
TG: im totals your bee eff effsy jake
TG: i am like
TG: AT PEACE with that reality fromerly known as a raw fuckin deal for what avenues it closes betewen u and i that bein your bffsy has got to mean but yeah
GT: Wait what?
TG: i am just chill as fuck about being a pale friend to all varieties of cute and eligible as hell peeps
TG: do you see my shoulder and how it says hey friend plz deposit tears here?
TG: that is a LEGIT invite and is like sincere as fuckin BANANAS
GT: Oh. Im sure it is but i dunno how much crying im going to be doing...
GT: Probably none i think.
TG: no i know im just saying
TG: that
TG: ok im now spinning my wheels like a motherfucker but yeah the answer is yes
GT: Great!
TG: and not that im back pebbling but what about your best bro
TG: dont you get 2 talkin to him about girl troubles ever
GT: Yeaaaah...
GT: Well.
GT: Like i said the whole thing is complicated. Best not to get into it all until im ready to you know...
GT: Really start manhandling these bushel loads of prickly pears.
TG: prinkly pears
GT: The pears being the tricky subjects in question.
GT: Metaphorically.
TG: riiiight
TG: snickrz
TG: poor jake
TG: up to his neck in
TG: all the wopes
TG: * woes
GT: Nah its cool.
TG: speaking of which
TG: i heard hes making u track down his roboself
TG: to kill it or something for uranimum
GT: Sigh...
TG: and
TG: the AR disabled the novice setting???
GT: Yes.
TG: hahahahahahhahahahshshshjsjsj
TG: *hahaha
TG: u r so fucked
GT: Oh most certainly.
GT: I was actually just getting all of my final affairs in order when you messaged me.
GT: I was to bequeath to you all my WAB posters.
TG: wab wut
GT: Weekend at bernies dammit!!!!!!
TG: oh fuck yeay
TG: im always in need of something to put under my cats shit box
GT: :(
TG: ok tell you what
TG: as an early wigglin day thing u know what ill do
GT: I still dont really get the wiggling thing but no what?
TG: ill enable the brobots novice setting again for you
GT: Wow...
GT: Thanks i think???
TG: but that dont count as the whole thing ill think of something better too
TG: 4 now peace o jake & gl on your robroquest heheheh
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT]


11/29/11
"Jake: Commence robroquest."



It is time to get DEAD SERIOUS about hunting down a robot that looks exactly like your best friend, destroy it with your guns somehow, and steal its uranimum. (* uranium)

But then the thing behind you that you were oblivious to starts grumbling.

You totally forgot about the FRIGHTENING FAUNA on this island, and its regrettable REALNESS ATTRIBUTE.


11/29/11
"Jake: Turn around."






11/29/11
"[S??????] ==>"



You leap into the tropical island fray in an attempt to violently pacify the gigantic Earth crabdad. What is he even doing here? The question doesn't even occur to you. The island has been crawling with these things for as long as you can remember.

You glance at the crudely rendered battle, direct your browser to the HOMESTUCK BANDCAMP PAGE, and browse for suitable battle music. Oh god, there are so many songs. Which one would be a good fit for this duel? Wait, yes, there's one. That's perfect. You hit play, close your eyes, and become lost in visions of gnashing crustacean carapace, smoking M9 casings, and Jake doing that thing where he flies through the air shooting two guns at once. Yes, so awesome.


11/29/11
"Jake: Fly through the air shooting two guns at once."



You do the thing where you fly through the air shooting two guns at once. That thing isn't even that big of a deal for you. You do that thing practically every day on hellmurder island.

Your furious salvo of deadly bullets scares the FRIGHTENING FAUNA off into the jungle, REALNESS ATTRIBUTE and all.


11/29/11
"==>"



Another triumph for adventure. Time to blow the smoke off your berettas and saunter off into the... whoa not so fast! Behind you, Jake!!!


11/29/11
"==>"



AH HA. GOT YOU YOU SON OF A, SHIT, WAIT.


11/29/11
"==>"



Oh nooo.

It was only one of those sweet little fairy bulls. You just murdered him inappropriately with your multi-bullet device.

You love those little fairy bulls. You feel just awful.


11/30/11
"==>"






11/30/11
"==>"






11/30/11
"==>"






11/30/11
"Jane: Implement plan of last resort."



You have waited around long enough. Dad's legendary car wash won't last forever, and the day isn't getting any younger.

You pack up poppop's book and bust out your trusty HOMING DEVICE.


11/30/11
"Jane: Activate."



Here goes nothing.


11/30/11
"==>"






11/30/11
"==>"






11/30/11
"==>"






11/30/11
"==>"



God he is such a little troublemaker.

Hopefully he will mind his manners today.


12/01/11
"==>"






12/01/11
"==>"






12/01/11
"==>"






12/01/11
"Jake: Exit forest."






12/01/11
"Jake: Behold zoological splendor."



Looks like the centaur herd is out in full force today. You have to be careful about walking under them. There are extreme hazards involved, such as the threat of falling manure, or milk.


12/01/11
"Jake: Examine frog temple."



There are the ruins you'll be making your way toward once you've got the uranium.

Still need to locate that enigmatic brobot. He's out there, somewhere. Just watching. You can feel it.

Can't let your guard down for a second, or you'll get served like a dude on butler island.


12/01/11
"Jake: Look down."



Uh oh. Something's coming up.


12/01/11
"==>"






12/01/11
"==>"






12/01/11
"==>"






12/01/11
"==>"



Not the encounter you were hoping for today.

These things don't back down.


12/02/11
"Jane: Assess damage."



Poor poppop's severed head got nicked by the FIREPLACE POKER. He's going to need a lot of work this time. Over the years, your dad has spent thousands of dollars on repairs. Oh well, how much more grounded can you get than you already are?


12/02/11
"Jane: Put head back."



You stick the poker down his neck hole and jam the head back on the spike as a temporary measure. That looks somewhat more respectable you guess.

Looks like the troublemaker's father is calling.


12/02/11
"Jane: Answer Strider."



|PESTERLOG|
timaeusTestified [TT] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 12:01

TT: Why have you activated dear, sweet Huggy Bear.
TT: Are you in danger?
GG: Oh, no.
GG: I'm just trying to leave my house!
GG: Is this the real you, btw?
TT: Yeah, it's me.
TT: I disabled the AR for now.
GG: Ok. Just making sure!
GG: Jake was having some issues with it earlier, and I don't think he received its obfuscating tendencies in the humorous spirit intended.
TT: Yes, I'm catching up with the situation now.
GG: Oh, so you're talking to Jake then?
TT: Nah. Just reading their chat logs.
TT: Man, what the fuck?
TT: I can't leave these two alone for a minute. Can a guy get his ablutions on in fucking peace?
GG: :B
GG: Was it that bad?
TT: Not really.
TT: The responder doesn't much distort my position on things usually.
TT: Its demeanor leaves something desired though. I'd prefer it didn't make such aggressive and repeated claims of fidelity to my persona.
TT: Be misrepresentin' hells of key subtleties, yo.
GG: Why not just turn it off then?
TT: Keeps them both on their toes.
GG: Who?
TT: Jake and the responder.
TT: Jake needs to be more skeptical. Rather than take a Pollyanna jackknife ass-first off whatever turnip truck is blowing through town that day, he's got to apply more critical reasoning to shit.
TT: I keep telling him.
TT: I keep telling him, dude, you got to be more like Jane.
GG: These lectures I presume are roughly similar in complexion to those I'm familiar with?
GG: Those wherein I have, and I quote, "got to be more like Jake?"
TT: Yes, exactly.
TT: You're finally fucking getting it.
GG: I sincerely doubt that I am!
TT: Said the stubborn skeptic, skeptically.
GG: Let's not talk about my "issues" again, shalln't we?
TT: Shalln't?
TT: That ain't a thing to say, even for you.
GG: Shush!
GG: The word shalln't escape my vocabulary any longer, just as you SHALLN'T nitpick my language! That's my turf you're on, buster.
TT: Alright. Kinda don't care.
GG: What were you saying?
TT: About what? Jake?
GG: About leaving the responder on!
TT: Yeah.
TT: Anyway, I kind of owe it to him to let the program run as often as possible.
GG: Jake?
TT: No.
TT: The responder.
TT: It is a fully cognitive, self-aware entity I am responsible for, not even to mention an approximate cerebral duplicate of myself.
TT: You don't just make a clone of yourself to live in a dead end existence where it has no chance to thrive as an individual or surpass its limitations.
TT: That'd be sick.
GG: True.
TT: Also.
TT: The more the software runs, the broader and more detailed its experiential canopy becomes. Makes for a better dialogic partner.
GG: Dialogic?
GG: Are you saying you have conversations with your own auto-responder?
TT: Of course.
TT: Why do you think I made the thing?
GG: Hrm, that's interesting.
GG: I guess I always thought it was just a really elaborate gag!
TT: It's that too.


12/04/11
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: Sometimes your sense of humor seems more impenetrably advanced than your robotics. I'll never understand this tapestry of irony you weave.
GG: Maybe I'm just stuck in the dark ages of pranksterism with my funny mustaches corny old joke book.
TT: Yes, you are. But that's fine.
TT: We come from different traditions. Someone needs to keep that racist southern asshole's legacy alive.
TT: There's dignity in taking up the work of our familial predecessors, even if what they did was insanely fucking stupid.
GG: Is that a note of bitterness directed at your superstar brother I am detecting?
TT: No way. He's awesome.
TT: I've told you, I don't begrudge any of his success.
TT: I've also told you he isn't my real bro even though I call him that. We're related through an esoteric process of genetic reamalgamation.
GG: Oh lordy. Yes, yes, I know. I don't need another ironic lesson in science fiction!
TT: Alright. My lessons are rad as fuck, but suit yourself.
TT: The point is, obviously his satirical methods have flaws, and whatever tempered brand of hero worship I might be practicing isn't keeping me from seeing that.
GG: Flaws?? Talk about understatement. Those movies are unwatchable.
GG: Unless your name is Jake English.
TT: Yes, spectacularly so. But they will have profound historical significance. Mark my words.
TT: And flaws aside, it's a legacy I'm proud to inherit. My duty isn't to appropriate his methods with absolute loyalty, but to apply reason and improve upon them. To leave my own mark.
TT: To perfect the art of irony.
TT: It's just like what you're doing with the work of your ancestor. You are striving to perfect his hokey vaudeville bullshit, or something.
TT: You seek the Zen of a pie to the face. The Tao of falling the fuck down.
GG: Ermm...
GG: If you say so!
GG: I dunno. Call me a simpleton, but I just like funny jokes.
TT: Can't fool me. You take your shit as serious as I do.
TT: And if I wasn't serious about it, I wouldn't have made you that rabbit. Then where the hell would you be?


12/04/11
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: Well, aside from thousands of dollars in corpse-repair richer, I can't say.
TT: Has he been sleeping in the old man hollow again? Shit, that's adorable.
GG: I can think of cuter places for him to sleep, frankly!
TT: Yeah, bullshit.
TT: He's just being instinctive. In the wild, he would gut a carcass and sleep inside for warmth, as well as to secure tactical advantage for ambushing would-be scavengers.
GG: Oh, please.
GG: Anyway, property damage and desecration to cherished elders aside, Mr. Bear has been a lovely addition to the family.
TT: You haven't renamed him yet?
GG: Oh... no.
GG: I keep forgetting I'm supposed to!
TT: You've got to fucking rename him. Or change him to a girl if you want. That was important.
TT: When pets change owners they get new names. Fact.
GG: Sorry.
GG: I will name him right now!
GG: How about Lil' Sebastian?
TT: Fuck if that isn't the best name a thing could get.
GG: Yeah!!!
GG: So then, are you saying Mr. Sebastian here was an ironic present?
GG: Relayed strictly for guffaws?? >:B
TT: Yes, but it's not that simple. There were many layers involved.
TT: Some of them are literal layers, of metal and plush.
GG: Huh?
TT: There's a real stuffed rabbit beneath its exoskeleton.
GG: What! Really? :O
TT: Yeah.
TT: It belonged to my bro.
GG: I thought you said you didn't have such an heirloom to complete the plushie trifecta?
TT: I didn't. He didn't give it to me, and never intended to bequeath it.
TT: I stole it.
GG: Ooh. Risky!
TT: Nah. I got a little help from RL and ganked it out of his museum.
TT: It's this whole "priceless" collection of stupid shit from movies, defended like Fort Knox. Ironically of course.
GG: So it's from a movie?
TT: Ever hear of Con Air?
GG: Nope.
GG: Wait...
GG: Wasn't that some bit of action schlock from the 90's?
TT: Yes.
GG: Some of the silly nonsense referenced in his work was well before my time. I don't have the wherewithal to investigate all this minutia.
TT: Yeah, it doesn't matter really. But it was from that. Dude weirdly obsessed over that shit movie for years, among others.
TT: Know those signature shades you see him wearing on magazine covers and stuff? Another prop. A gift from Stiller himself, I believe.
GG: That does sound a tad obsessive. Wasn't he furious about your burglary?
TT: Pretty sure he didn't even notice. In years since, I never saw a news story about a "daring heist" or anything. I feel like he would have made some hay outta that.
TT: And if he did know, he'd probably just want to give me a stoic fist bump or something.
GG: Why didn't you mention this when you gave the gift? More irony?
TT: Essentially. It's not that easy to explain.
TT: Broadcasting the gesture would have made it seem tawdry, and would somewhat defray its humor value.
GG: I see. So it was like a private joke, and if anyone besides you was in on it, the joke would be ruined!
TT: Like I said, there are layers.
TT: On one level, I gave you a filthy tattered piece of shit, albeit of tremendous cultural significance, manhandled by some old B movie actors, now candy coated to function as a highly practical defender droid for your personal protection.
TT: On another level, I needed to incorporate something passable as a real heirloom.
TT: For sentimental reasons.
GG: D'awwwww.
GG: Wait, real sentiment, or ironic sentiment?
GG: Or is there no difference?? Am I missing the point here?
TT: No, it was genuine.
TT: The upper echelons of irony should always include measures of sincerity. And if the satirical practice is executed faithfully it will achieve something bona fide in its own right regardless.
TT: Through an intense commitment bordering on religious devotion to the absolutely inane, absurd, or plain fucking stupid, a very different kind of sincerity begins to materialize. One of reverence to the ridiculous. You begin to "mean it," but what exactly it is you mean is never quite what appears on the surface, and is utterly inaccessible to obtuse and literal minds. That you "mean it" then becomes inseparable from the joke, and additional rich strata of humor may be stripped aggressively from this irreconcilable truth.
GG: This is fascinating, if a wee bit more dissertation than I bargained for this morning.
GG: I have so much to learn. And I am not even saying that "ironically!"
GG: Will you teach me your ways one day, sir? Perhaps an apprenticeship will open?
TT: Oh god, I'd love that.
TT: Consider the position yours for the taking any time. Feel free to approach and kneel before Cal. With my sword and his floppy mitten, you will receive my flashstep anointment shoulder to shoulder, and to shoulder again.


12/04/11
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: Tempting, but that rain check will have to stay unendorsed for now.
GG: Lil' Seb is beginning to act out, and I must put his fidgetiness to constructive use!
TT: Cool.
TT: Jane, one more thing.
TT: I'm sure you must be aware by now that you'll be the leader of our group, as you will be the first to enter the session.
GG: Um, no?
GG: This is news to me. I never gathered that "team leader" was a thing for this game.
TT: Trust me. It's a thing.
GG: Are you sure? I have my doubts.
GG: I believe as a group we will have the temerity to succeed, without my having to order people around like an insufferable bossypants.
TT: That's why you're our leader, Jane.
GG: Hm?
TT: Optimism through stalwart skepticism is an affect not everyone is plucky enough to be graced with.
GG: That's stupid!
TT: Yeah yeah. I know.
TT: You're not our leader, you're our FRIEND, right?
GG: Precisely!
GG: There is a BIG difference!
TT: And statements like that are also why you're our leader.
TT: But only in name and in spirit. Less so, functionally.
TT: If it puts your mind at ease, I'll be the one pulling the strings here.
GG: Oh yes?
GG: Then this whole affair will be one of D. Strider's grand productions in puppetry?
TT: I will be the unseen hand whose nimble digits are behind every subtle twitch in our session's bulbous foam ass.
TT: At least those gyrations not happening by the volition of its own quivering absorbant proboscis.
TT: If you ever need help, Jane. If you're ever in any trouble at all, let me know. Just say the word.
TT: I'll whip the toggle stick of this ludicrous marionette, cavorting its humongous bottom to intercept your freefall through the abyss.
TT: Snowcone you up in the fluffy crook of its cleft. Don't be alarmed if you're in no hurry to unpry yourself.
TT: For the great jut of this impudent rump has more yield to your touch than you ever dreamt. Remember to catch your breath as it cherishes the imprint of your hand like a memento from a lover gone to war.
TT: There's a lot of give to that ass, you may say.
TT: Might like to settle in. Make myself comfortable. Start a family.
TT: Bounce a coin off that ass, you'll demand of visitors. It's not going anywhere.
TT: Bet that coin'll take a good nap there.
TT: It's a gamble you win every goddamn time.
TT: Yeah.
GG: These lessons we talked about...
GG: They've already begun, haven't they? :o
TT: Jane, soon you'll believe what I've told you.
TT: You'll believe it all.
TT: It's just a shame that believing will take something so coarse as seeing, for a girl as sharp as you.
TT: Critical thought can lead one to accept the unlikely, just as much as dismiss the impossible.
TT: I can help with this too. Would you like me to program a Jane Crocker responder for you?
TT: I only require a simple captcha of your brain.
GG: Holy moly!
GG: Um, thank you, but no.
GG: I'm not ready to get dialogic with my cyberself just yet. My friends keep me busy enough as it is.
GG: Speaking of which, I really need to go. I know you love to talk my ear off, and it's always a treat, but let's catch up later after the game starts, ok?
GG: And if I do need your help, I promise I'll take you up on your offer!
TT: I made several. Which one?
GG: The one where you, hopefully not literally, offered to catch me in the crevice of a great big squishy butt! Hoo hoo hoo!
GG: Gtg!!! <3
gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased bothering timaeusTestified [TT]


12/05/11
"Jane: Command Sebastian to lift fridge."



You order dear, sweet Lil' Sebastian to put his fidgetiness to constructive use. He is eager to assist, and lifts the appliance with ease.


12/05/11
"==>"



He finds a note taped underneath the fridge. It seems to be addressed to you.


12/05/11
"Jane: Read note."



Fat chance, dad.

This bird's gotta fly!!!


12/05/11
"==>"



Uh oh, Lil Seb's acting out again. His legs are getting fidgety and bothersome. Better tell him to put the fridge down gently before he causes more damage.


12/05/11
"Jane: Tell Seb to put fridge down."






12/05/11
"==>"






12/05/11
"==>"






12/06/11
"Jane: Throw down your hat in disgust."






12/06/11
"==>"






12/06/11
"Jane: Level up."



You've been climbing your echeladder very gradually for various minor accomplishments here and there since you were 13. That was such a sweet textbook HAT POF, it earned you just enough to clear the next rung, FEDORAFLEDGLING. Nice going!


12/06/11
"Hat: Level up."



The well traveled HAT shares in your glorious spoils. The battle-hardened accessory reaches dizzying new heights, leapfrogging from the DOUCHEBAG'S DOMESUCKER rung, to the rare, highly coveted MARTYR'S PISSCRADLE rung.


12/07/11
"Jake: Run."



How can these things be so fast on land???

It moves like some sort of giant frisky seal, that is very hungry and angry. You know from experience that bullets only make them hungrier and angrier, so there is nothing to do but run.


12/07/11
"==>"



Oh no, it's a hostile swarm of those little fairy bulls! They are probably pissed off about the one you killed earlier. They have come for revenge!


12/07/11
"==>"



OH MY GOD THE HUMANITY. HOW THEY EXACT THEIR POUND OF FLESH.

OH GOD NO OH GOD OH GOD OH GOOOAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH.


12/07/11
"==>"






12/07/11
"[S] ==>"






12/07/11
"==>"



Nearby, someone or something bleats like a goat for strategic purposes.

And also


12/07/11
"==>"



Ironic purposes.


12/09/11
"Jane: Run."



The jig is so totally up.

Nothing left to do but scurry your little legs to that box, snatch the mail and scram!


12/09/11
"==>"






12/09/11
"==>"






12/09/11
"==>"






12/09/11
"[S] Jane: Get mail."






12/09/11
"==>"






12/09/11
"==>"



END OF ACT 6 ACT 1.


12/09/11
"==>"



One down.


12/09/11
"==>"



No, not kids! I mean these curtain dealies.

I still need to set up, what, like another five of these rigs? God dammit.


12/09/11
"==>"



I hope I don't run out of green curtain cloth. Shit is expensive.


12/09/11
"So, uh... what about all those other kids?"



Huh? Who?

Oh, yeah. Those people.

Aren't they all dead?


12/09/11
"No, not quite."



Oh god, you're right! There are still a few characters I haven't killed yet. I almost forgot about them.

I was planning on totally messing with them in the short window of time they're in the same universe as me! Hopefully it isn't too late.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA WAIT WHY AM I EVEN LAUGHING, THIS IS A COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE REACTION. BESIDES, I AM A TIN CAN, ROBOTS DON'T HAVE FEELINGS.


12/09/11
"Hussiebot: Check time."



Let's see. They should be traveling near the speed of light across a distance of one yard, giving them about three nanoseconds before they crash through the other wall.

Which means I have about...

HOLY SHIT I'M ALMOST OUT OF TIME TO FUCK UP THE STORY! WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT NANOSECONDS COULD FLY BY SO FAST????????


12/10/11
"Hussiebot: Hurry!!!"



Who am I kidding. Even using my super-fast robotic AUTHOR AVATAR, I barely have time to do anything.

Maybe I'll just level up these kids before they go, and that's it.

They've earned it after all, don't you think?


12/10/11
"John: Level up."



You produce your most spirited LAD SCRAMBLE yet, and hop up to the next GOD TIER, achieving the illustrious REVENGE OF DOCTOR RAGNAROK.

All of your vitals go completely bonkers. Your MAN GRIT is off the charts. You're embarrassed for us to even know what it is. It's that gaudy.


12/10/11
"Jade: Level up."



You put forth your best LASS SCAMPER of all time, and clear another sweet GOD TIER, the nigh-unattainable SAYONARA KANSAS.

Your battle stats predictably go haywire. You accrue so much YOUNGSTER GUMPTION it's basically insane. Nobody should ever mess with you.

Not even me.


12/11/11
"John and Jade: Reap spoils."



You don't get boondollars anymore. That shit is for babies now.

Instead, you are finally ready to have your first ACHIEVEMENT BADGE sewn on to your KIDDIE CAMPER HANDYSASH!

You each receive the badge GIFT OF GAB, enabling you to engage in simple, direct dialogue with others, without requiring any gimmicks to facilitate communication. You don't need to type through a chat client, or talk to a sprite, or traverse through a memory in a dream bubble, or wander around in an interactive game environment, or any of that stuff.

You seriously never thought you would live to see this achievement unlocked. It almost feels like cheating. Like conversing in god mode.


12/11/11
"ACT 6 INTERMISSION 1"



|DIALOGLOG|
JOHN: where are we?


12/11/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JADE: im not sure!
JADE: some sort of limbo dimension between the two walls i guess
JADE: like a realm with unusual spatial properties we have to cross through
JOHN: oh, ok.
JOHN: then...
JOHN: we escaped the scratch?
JOHN: like, we still exist and everything?
JADE: yes!
JADE: we still totally exist john
JOHN: ok, just making sure.
JOHN: i still felt pretty existy, but you never know.


12/11/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JOHN: i'm still kinda confused though.
JADE: about what?
JOHN: i mean, we crashed through that giant window you magically made with witch powers to escape the scratch, so we can keep existing, right?
JADE: yes
JADE: i didnt make it with witch powers though, i captchalogued it hours ago because karkat told me to...
JADE: then at the last minute i took it out and made it huge so we could escape through it
JOHN: i see.
JOHN: did you at least make it huge with witch powers?
JADE: i did make it huge with witch powers!
JOHN: so i guess that's what witch powers do, is make things huge?
JADE: they also make things small
JOHN: right, like you did with all those planets.
JADE: yup
JADE: also
JADE: witch powers can teleport things, and fling things around through space at very high velocities
JADE: all sorts of stuff!
JADE: but to be honest, im not sure how much of that is attributable to inheriting becs abilities...
JOHN: man, spacey witch powers sound a lot more versatile than my powers, frankly.
JOHN: not that i'm complaining, because wind powers are still awesome.
JOHN: but anyway, that is neither here nor there!
JOHN: what i'm wondering is, once we crashed through that window, weren't we supposed to like...
JOHN: enter a new game session? the reset one?
JOHN: and meet up with karkat, and vriska, and all the trolls, and i guess maybe also a bunch of dead trolls too??? like troll ghosts or such.
JADE: yes that was the basic idea
JOHN: and what about your grandson? wasn't he going to be there, from the future or something? and then he would send liv tyler to me, or actually to you i guess, into the past somehow?
JADE: that would be jake
JADE: and yeah, i do believe we will meet him in this session
JADE: he said he had a bunch of friends who helped him make the bunny! im pretty excited to meet them all
JOHN: wow...
JOHN: hey, i wonder what the fuck ever happened to liv anyway?
JOHN: last i saw her, i sent her off to give the tumor to rose and dave...
JOHN: oh god, rose and dave!!! where are they now? did one of them do the suicide mission thing? and what about the other? did they get scratch'd???
JADE: actually, they both went, and in a manner of speaking, their mission was a success
JOHN: :(
JOHN: so, they blew up the sun, and now they're dead?
JADE: nope!
JADE: they did not actually destroy the sun. trust me, i would know if it was gone. now that i know what i know, it was kind of silly of us to think it would ever be destroyed...
JADE: and as it happens, rose and dave are not dead either! i have received very reliable reports that they survived
JOHN: oh man, that's great!
JOHN: i mean, i'm not sure how not blowing up the sun qualifies as a successful mission, since that was kind of the whole idea, but at this point i don't really care. i'm just happy to hear they're ok.
JADE: it will all be more clear soon
JOHN: how do you know they're ok? or any of this stuff, really?
JADE: ive learned a lot in my dreams lately
JADE: heh, probably more than i ever learned looking at the clouds on prospit!
JADE: when i was dead there for a few minutes, i had one last very informative nap
JADE: the bottom line is, rose and dave will rendezvous with the trolls near the green sun, and then they will all meet us in the new session
JOHN: ok, that sounds awesome.
JOHN: and that was part of the plan i guess i understood, but...
JOHN: where is this new session?
JOHN: all i see here is a bunch of giant windows, and a lot of warp speed whooshy nonsense.


12/11/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JADE: its through the other wall!
JOHN: you mean that one way over there?
JADE: yes
JOHN: ok...
JOHN: so is this place like that yellow lawn ring thing karkat was talking about?
JADE: no, not lawn ring!
JADE: thats a silly troll word
JADE: its the yellow yard
JADE: we have to cross it to break through the next wall
JOHN: how is this a yellow yard?
JOHN: that's a stupid name for this place!
JADE: see that long yellow band down there, stretching between the two walls?
JADE: i think thats supposed to be the yard
JOHN: thats not a yard.
JOHN: yards are like these flat wide patches of grass, surrounded by fences and stuff.
JOHN: if anything, it's more like a road.
JADE: hmmm
JADE: yeah i think youre right
JADE: kinda like the yellow brick road?
JOHN: sure, why not!
JOHN: let's all go see a big pompous wizard to solve all of our problems.
JOHN: i bet rose would get a kick out of that.
JADE: hehe
JOHN: oh yeah.
JOHN: and another thing...


12/11/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JOHN: what...
JOHN: the fuck...
JOHN: is that?


12/11/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JADE: :|
JADE: i have no idea
JADE: extra dimensional shenanigan based phenomena perhaps?????


12/11/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain cloth. Or anything taking place out here in the emerald shitty paintjob, for that matter.


12/12/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JOHN: wait, what just happened?
JADE: i dont know!
JOHN: it got darker, and greener...
JADE: :?
JOHN: this place is weird. when are we gonna bust through the other window, anyway?
JOHN: i'm kind of antsy to get on with our adventure and meet up with everybody!
JADE: yes me too
JADE: hmmmmmm
JOHN: what is it?


12/12/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JADE: im just trying to estimate our arrival time
JADE: based on our current velocity, which is about as close to light speed as i can make it go
JOHN: i see.
JOHN: since we are going so fast, it should be pretty soon, right?
JOHN: like a few more minutes?
JADE: hmmmmmmmmmmm...
JADE: no
JADE: itll take quite a bit longer than that
JOHN: ugh.
JOHN: how long?
JADE: i would say
JADE: if i keep our speed constant...
JADE: we should arrive in about three years


12/12/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JOHN: what!!!
JOHN: that is an absolutely preposterous amount of time.
JADE: i know!
JOHN: are you sure you can't make it go any faster?
JOHN: i mean, not to sound too demanding, but...
JOHN: didn't you say you can teleport stuff?
JOHN: why not teleport us there?
JADE: i cant!
JADE: not here, at least
JOHN: oh. well that sucks.
JOHN: why not?
JADE: the way i understand it is...
JADE: becs powers draw from the green sun
JADE: and the green sun presides over our universe
JADE: many universes actually! and the sessions that created them, as well as the sessions created within them
JADE: including the trolls universe and their session
JADE: think of it like a giant solar system, but instead of planets revolving around the sun, there are many universes
JOHN: uh, ok.
JOHN: that sounds...
JOHN: big.
JADE: it is!
JADE: so, bec was able to teleport anywhere in the universe he wanted in an instant, much faster than light
JADE: jack was able to do this too, within our session, and then when i inherited those powers from jadesprite, so could i
JADE: but we could only teleport locally
JADE: which means, bec could jump to anywhere in our universe, but not to another universe, or into a session
JADE: and jack could jump to anywhere in our session, but not outside it
JADE: we cant even jump to the green sun itself, even though we sort of serve as a gateway to it, and all its energy
JADE: and once we leave the suns domain, our travel is limited by the speed of light, like everyone else!
JADE: for example, the furthest ring is not in the suns domain
JADE: it is more like the suns medium, allowing it to exist
JADE: so if i wanted to fly out of our session and travel to the green sun, i would have to make my way there through the furthest ring at the speed of light or less
JADE: and wherever we are now is not in the suns domain either
JADE: so the same rules apply
JOHN: i see.
JOHN: it didn't really occur to me this was all so elaborate.
JOHN: like, if the green sun is at the center of a bunch of universes, like a huge solar system...
JOHN: doesn't that mean it was sort of important?
JOHN: maybe trying to blow it up wasn't such a great idea.
JADE: yes i think youre right
JADE: but to be fair, we were all the victims of a big prank!
JOHN: oh man, a prank??
JOHN: who pranked us?
JADE: some really creepy omniscient guy
JADE: it doesnt matter much, hes supposedly dead now
JOHN: oh. well that was quite a ruse then. that son of a bitch!
JADE: yes, but its not all as bad as it seems
JADE: theres a silver lining in all of this
JADE: like you said, a sun presiding over many universes has to be pretty cosmically important
JADE: who knows what terrible consequences there would be if it was destroyed
JADE: or maybe worse, if it never existed at all
JADE: which is what made rose and daves true mission an unintended success!
JOHN: their true mission?
JOHN: what was that?
JADE: to deliver the bomb to the empty location the green sun was meant to exist for most of eternity
JADE: and then create the sun in the first place
JADE: that is what the tumor was for all along
JOHN: ...
JADE: like i said
JADE: we got played like a bunch of suckers!!!


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<.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/HELPHIM.gif" border="0" />


12/15/11
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12/16/11
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12/16/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JOHN: oh man, rose and dave have sweet god tier pajamas like us! that's so awesome.
JOHN: haha, dave looks like kind of a doofus with that snug little hood.
JADE: i think he looks cool!!!!!
JADE: the cape is great, hes like a super hero now
JOHN: that's true.
JOHN: i still think i prefer my outfit though.
JOHN: look at all those trolls...
JOHN: there are so many trolls. the idea of meeting them all is kind of overwhelming.
JOHN: i wonder which one is which?
JOHN: i think that must have been karkat there. and that was probably his clown asshole friend he mentioned, too.
JADE: yup
JOHN: and that was definitely terezi, with the fancy glasses.
JOHN: not sure about the others... i wonder if vriska was there?
JADE: ...
JOHN: it's nice to see rose looks better.
JOHN: last time i saw her, she looked really grim.
JOHN: and also, dark.
JOHN: i was trying to talk to her, but she sounded like a babbling monster, so i couldn't understand her.
JOHN: it was really frustrating, and all of my nervous rambling probably made me sound like an idiot.
JOHN: and then when i woke up later, she was dead.
JADE: :(
JOHN: did you know...
JOHN: that i had to kiss her to make her come back to life?
JADE: !!!
JOHN: yes, it's true.
JOHN: it's kind of weird kissing a dead body, but i didn't mind.
JOHN: how did you feel about it when you kissed dave when he died?
JADE: ...........
JADE: how did you know about that!
JOHN: karkat told me.
JADE: oh
JADE: that figures
JOHN: do you think that all of our unbridled corpse smooching means karkat's silly shipping prophecy will come true?
JADE: umm
JOHN: i mean, the guy is really angry, and says fuck like in practically every sentence.
JOHN: but he does weirdly seem to know what he's talking about when it comes to romance.
JADE: yeah
JADE: i dunno
JADE: do you want it to come true?
JOHN: man.
JOHN: i don't know.
JOHN: do you?
JADE: hmmmmmm.....
JOHN: hmm, indeed.
JADE: i think i miss them already
JADE: and weve only been here for a few minutes :(
JOHN: yeah.
JOHN: there's a lot i want to tell them about.
JOHN: and a lot i want to ask them.
JADE: well
JADE: you could ask them now if you want
JOHN: really?


12/17/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JADE: yes
JADE: in fact
JADE: you can hop right through me and join them
JADE: then you can travel with them to the new session if you like
JOHN: whoa!
JOHN: well, heck, why don't we do that then?
JOHN: it would probably be more fun with them than being on this golden battleship by ourselves.
JADE: it probably would!
JADE: but i cant go with you
JADE: i can serve as a gateway
JADE: but i cant travel to the sun myself, remember?
JOHN: oh yeah.
JOHN: dammit!
JADE: but its ok, really!
JADE: if thats what you wanted to do, i wouldnt mind
JADE: but whatever you do, you have to decide quickly
JADE: they will be departing from the sun very soon
JOHN: but i wouldn't want to leave you here all alone for three years.
JOHN: that would suck!
JADE: i wouldnt really be alone though


12/17/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JADE: i have the population of five planets to keep me company!
JOHN: :O
JOHN: that's right.
JOHN: that makes it seem not so boring i guess.
JOHN: but still...
JOHN: i would feel really bad leaving you here, even if you do have a million salamanders and chess guys to keep you company.
JOHN: you are my friend and also my sorta-sister, and we just met for the first time ever a few minutes ago...
JOHN: i'm not going to be like, welp! see ya in three years jade!
JADE: awww :D
JADE: ok then
JADE: personally, i think this trip could be a lot of fun!
JADE: theres no pressure to do anything important or run around like lunatics anymore
JADE: we can just relax
JOHN: yeah.
JOHN: now that you mention it, i'm pretty beat.
JOHN: also... starving!!!
JADE: woof!
JADE: whoops
JOHN: heheh.
JOHN: i sure hope there are things to eat on those planets.
JOHN: there were a lot of weird glowing mushrooms on lowas. i dunno about those.
JOHN: i seem to remember a bunch of farms on the battlefield...
JADE: there should be lots of good stuff on the planets
JADE: also i would bet this ship is stocked with plenty of military rations
JOHN: yeah, probably.
JOHN: pff, hell, we could just raid all of our fridges and alchemize some tasty grub!
JADE: oh yeah!!!
JADE: durrr, problem solved
JOHN: ok, cool.
JOHN: but it would still be nice to say hi to everybody before they leave.
JOHN: just to let them know how we're doing.
JADE: yes
JOHN: like, one of the last things rose saw before she died was me dying...
JOHN: i wonder if she knows i'm ok?
JADE: im pretty sure she knows a ton of things now
JADE: considering she is a fully realized seer of light
JOHN: yeah, probably.
JOHN: then maybe i'll just hop over real fast, and give karkat a fist bump, and give dave a hard time about his hella tight little hood, and then hop back?
JADE: im sure that would be hilarious
JADE: but
JADE: if you go i dont think i can bring you back
JADE: i cant bring anyone or anything to here from there!
JOHN: aw man, really??
JADE: as far as i know...
JADE: if theres a way i havent figured it out yet
JADE: i am still kind of new to this omnipotence thing after all :\
JOHN: that's stupid.
JOHN: what is with all these rules!
JADE: i dont know!
JADE: im sure the rules exist for a good reason though
JADE: maybe to somewhat limit the power and reach of omnipotent beings?
JADE: if there are no limits at all, it could be especially dangerous in the wrong hands
JADE: like what happened with jack!
JOHN: isn't that a contradiction though?
JOHN: if there are limits to your powers, you can't exactly be OMNIpotent, can you?
JOHN: more like...
JOHN: semipotent.
JADE: then i guess thats what we are!
JADE: semipotent demigods
JOHN: demidogs.
JADE: woof woof woof!
JADE: dammit!!!!!!
JOHN: heh...
JOHN: can you not control the woofs?
JADE: i havent gotten the hang of the woofs yet :(
JOHN: so, the dog ears...
JOHN: is that a permanent thing now, or what?
JADE: i think so
JOHN: i like them.
JADE: i do too!
JOHN: you are like a furry now, but not really the weird kind that people on the internet like to have sex with in their imagination.
JADE: D:


12/17/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JOHN: hey, can i at least send a message through?
JOHN: like a note or something?
JADE: sure!
JADE: better hurry up and write it though
JOHN: oh snap! ok, gotta think, quick...
JOHN: what do i write on?
JOHN: maybe the back of a movie poster or something?
JOHN: i don't think i have one captchalogued though...
JOHN: and now that i think about it, most of them were ruined by imps. :(


12/17/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JADE: how about this one?
JADE: looks like its still in pretty good condition
JOHN: yes, that's perfect!!!
JOHN: everyone will love it, especially probably dave.
JOHN: i think i need something to fold it up and put it in though.
JOHN: i don't want to just like crumple it up and chuck it in there like some garbage...


12/17/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JOHN: i could stick it in a book i guess.
JOHN: but i kind of don't want to part with any great reading material, especially since we're going on a long trip.
JADE: john you have to hurry!
JOHN: ok, ok, um...


12/17/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JADE: here, will this work?
JOHN: oh, yeah. i guess that'll be fine.
JOHN: now, uhhh, what to write...
JADE: whatever you write just make it quick!
JADE: and tell everyone i say hi!
JOHN: ok, will do.
JADE: ok, while you work on that, i think ill bring up some friends
JOHN: huh?
JADE: you know, let some of our travel companions get acquainted with the ship!


12/17/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JOHN: oh fuck, it's dave sprite!!!
JOHN: i forgot about him.
DAVESPRITE: yeah no shit
JOHN: how've you been, buddy?
JADE: shooooooooosh!!!!!
JADE: write now, catch up later!


12/17/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JOHN: ok, i think this is a pretty good letter.
DAVESPRITE: let me check it out
DAVESPRITE: maybe ill humorously defile willis and afflecks dumb skyward yearning faces
JOHN: oh HELL no.
DAVESPRITE: come on dude hand it over
JADE: nooooo come on guys theyre about to go just stuff it in the bucket and throw it at me already!!!
DAVESPRITE: too late i already did it with sprite powers while he wasnt looking
JOHN: augh you bastard!


12/17/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JOHN: wait a minute!
JOHN: i forgot, trolls hate cleaning products for some alien reason! shit, that's going to make everyone so uncomfortable.
JOHN: oh well, there it goes. too late i guess.
DAVESPRITE: ahahahaha you fucked up


12/18/11
"[A6I1] Rose: Level up."






12/18/11
"[A6I1] Dave: Level up."






12/18/11
"[A6I1] Rose + Dave: Reap spoils."



You both also get one of these. Now you can start flapping your traps with wild abandon at anyone you please.


12/19/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
ARADIA: you see??
ARADIA: i told you they would bring your body
SOLLUX: ok, well i believed y0u about that, but yeah, i can see that.
SOLLUX: eugh, can s0meone get rid 0f that thing please?
ARADIA: oh!!!
ARADIA: sollux lets do it!
SOLLUX: what.
ARADIA: the corpse party!
ARADIA: theres no better time and there are so many corpses here to work with
ARADIA: is everybody ok with that? do you want to have a big corpse party?
ARADIA: we can incinerate the remains in the sun it will be just glorious
ROSE: Corpse party?
ARADIA: rose!
ARADIA: can you please explain to my friends what a human funeral is like?
ROSE: Of course.
ROSE: I would describe it as an occasion marked by a great deal of jubilation at the expense of one or more well dressed cadavers.
DAVE: hahaha oh god
ARADIA: i couldnt have put it better myself
ARADIA: could you go into more detail?
ROSE: Well, in my experience, a loved one, typically an elder, arranges to have the departed placed in a small box, and then forces you to stand in the rain all day.
ROSE: Then, presumably winded by all the deeply ironic catharsis, she gets drunk and passes out on the couch.
DAVE: oh my god we are never going to stop fucking with each other are we
DAVE: even without computers
ARADIA: hmmm that sounds just a tad specific
ARADIA: we may have to adapt the proceedings to be a little more
ARADIA: i dunno
ARADIA: multicultural i guess?
SOLLUX: err...
ARADIA: why dont you all do some brainstorming about what kind of funeral to have while i go round up the bodies!
SOLLUX: aradia, FUCK.
SOLLUX: will y0u co0l it on the c0rpse party shit for a minute?
ARADIA: whats the matter?
SOLLUX: i mean, everyb0dy here has just met, and i guess just went through a l0t of really heavy bullshit, d0 you think that maybe this isn't the best thing t0 harp on right n0w?
ARADIA: um
ARADIA: i just thought it would be a nice thing to bond over
SOLLUX: not everyb0dy is as into death as y0u though. like, it's c0ol t0 see you s0 excited about s0mething, i'm seriously thrilled ab0ut that.
SOLLUX: but frankly it's all pretty fucking morbid t0 everybody, i just th0ught you sh0uld know.
ARADIA: am i really that bad?
TEREZI: Y3S >:|
ARADIA: oh
ARADIA: sorry
ARADIA: i guess ive spent enough time here that i just dont see death as the terrible thing the living make it out to be
ARADIA: i honestly feel like its a reason to celebrate!
TEREZI: TH4TS OK 4R4D14, NO ON3S BL4M1NG YOU
TEREZI: 1 4CTU4LLY TH1NK YOUR WHOL3 D34TH F4NG1RL TH1NG 1S FUNNY 4ND K1ND OF CH4RM1NG >:]
ARADIA: death fan girl thing?
ARADIA: what do you mean
TEREZI: OH COM3 ON
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 PR4CT1C4LLY B3S1D3 YOURS3LF W1TH G1DD1N3SS 4T TH3 1D34 OF S3RV1NG 4S TH3 M41TR3 D TO 4LL DR34M BUBBL3S
TEREZI: YOU LOV3 B31NG TH3 C4R3T4K3R OF W4YW4RD SOULS 4ND DR34M3RS!
TEREZI: LUCK1LY YOU M4K3 4N 4DOR4BL3 H4NDM41D TO TH3 M4ST3R OF D34TH, 3SP3C14LLY 1N YOUR CUT3 CH3RRY P1X13 3NS3MBL3
ARADIA: you think so?
ROSE: I'm going to agree with my fellow seer on this.
TEREZI: S33???
TEREZI: 3V3N SNOOTY M1SS C4NT4LOUP3 ROB3 4GR33S!
TEREZI: OH, 4ND GUYS, JUST FOR TH3 S4K3 OF MULT1CULTUR4L CL4R1TY, W3 TROLLS TR34T D34TH 1TS3LF 4S 4 MYTHOLOG1C4L F1GUR3
TEREZI: H3 1S 4 M4N W1TH 4 FR1GHT3N1NG SKULL FOR 4 H34D 4ND 4 T3RR1BL3 HYPNOT1C GL4R3
TEREZI: 4LL TH3 L3G3NDS S4Y H3S GOT TH1S SUP3R FOXY H4NDM41D TO DO H1S D1RTYWORK
TEREZI: 1 M34N TH1S 1S 4LL F4NT4SY OF COURS3, BUT W3 C4NT R34LLY UND3RST4ND 34CH OTH3RS CULTUR3S UNL3SS W3 UND3RST4ND TH3 MYTHS B3H1ND TH3M!
DAVE: yo terezi weve got a grim reaper too
DAVE: shit isnt that novel
DAVE: i mean i think even a civilization full of the laziest sons of bitches are gonna make up a myth figure for death
DAVE: like oooh watch OUT death is coming for you hes got like
DAVE: a SKULL and shit
DAVE: i basically have no fucking imagination that sounds badass to me
DAVE: wait wait no how about hes got a BLACK ROBE too
DAVE: and a fuckin scythe to fuckin slash at you with in case you didnt die all the way or whatever
DAVE: daaaaaamn now youre talking bro
DAVE: lets go ahead stick that in our culture forever
TEREZI: SO WH4T YOU 4R3 T3LL1NG M3 D4V3 1S
TEREZI: TH4T W3 BOTH H4V3 D34TH *4ND* COTTON C4NDY???
DAVE: hell yes
TEREZI: W3 M1GHT 4S W3LL B3 TH3 S4M3 D4MN SP3C13S!!! >:D
KARKAT: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.


12/19/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
KARKAT: IS IT GOING TO SHIT ON EVERYBODY'S GREAT TIME IF I DARE TO BRING UP IMPORTANT THINGS NOW?
KARKAT: IS IT SAFE TO POKE OUR HEADS UP FROM THIS GULCH OF IDIOTIC BANTER AND SEE IF THE COAST IS CLEAR FOR ADULT, BUSINESSLIKE CONVERSATION?
KARKAT: YES, YES, HUMANS, SO NICE TO MEET YOU, AND IT SEEMS YOU'RE GOD TIERS NOW? NEAT, YADA YADA, WHAT THE FUCK EVER.
KARKAT: JUST ONE QUESTION
KARKAT: WE FOLLOWED THAT GREEN BEACON OF WHAT I THOUGHT WAS THE AFTERMATH OF A SUCCESSFUL BLOW UP THE SUN MISSION
KARKAT: AND AFTER A BREAKNECK WARP SPEED JOURNEY IN WHICH MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND *EVER* PSYCHED ME OUT INTO THINKING HE DIED *YET A FUCKING GAIN* BY EXPELLING LITER AFTER GRUESOME LITER OF GRUBSAUCE FROM HIS EVERY ORIFICE
KARKAT: WHAT DO I FIND HERE?
KARKAT: WHY, IN ADDITION TO A PAIR OF HUMANS DRAPED IN CIRCUSWEAR AND ALL THEIR FLIPPANT GIBES LOCKED AND GODDAMN LOADED
KARKAT: IT SEEMS WE HAVE ALSO CHANCED UPON NONE OTHER THAN THE GREEN FUCKING SUN ITSELF
KARKAT: WHICH UNLESS MY RAW, RUDDY GANDERBULBS ARE STILL A LITTLE GRIEFBLEARY, STRIKES ME AS STILL BEING SOMEWHAT RATHER FUCKING *UNBLOWN* UP.
KARKAT: SO WHAT AM I MISSING HERE
DAVE: dude chill out we just got hornswoggled is all
KARKAT: OH!
KARKAT: CASE CLOSED
KARKAT: OK THEN, LET'S START PITCHING DEAD PALS INTO THE LIMITLESS INFERNO. MY CURIOSITY WAS TOTALLY FUCKING SATED JUST THEN!
ARADIA: the sun will never be destroyed karkat
ARADIA: im sorry but you were misinformed!
KARKAT: AH! MORE BREATHTAKING REASSURANCE!
KARKAT: EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE GUYS, WE WERE JUST HORNSWOGGLED AND MISINFORMED, CARRY ON THEN!
KARKAT: WASN'T THE WHOLE POINT TO TAKE OUT THE SUN TO NEUTRALIZE JACK?
ROSE: It shouldn't be a problem.
KARKAT: OH NO??? THEN WHAT'S THE PLAN NOW???
ROSE: It's simple.
ROSE: We regroup, and then defeat him in person.
KARKAT: OH! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
KARKAT: FUCKING OH.
KARKAT: AND HERE I THOUGHT THE NEW PLAN WAS GOING TO BE SOMETHING INCREDIBLY STUPID AND SUICIDAL.
KARKAT: DID I SAY OH YET?
KARKAT: BECAUSE THAT'S THE SOUND I MAKE WHEN I'M FUCKING RELIEVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GAMZEE: honk.
KARKAT: WHAT.
GAMZEE: HONK.
KARKAT: WHAT DOES HONK MEAN THIS TIME YOU WHIMSICAL PIECE OF SHIT?????
KARKAT: DON'T YOU START WITH ME
KARKAT: DO. NOT. START WITH ME.
KARKAT: I WILL GET YOU IN A HEADLOCK SO TIGHT IT WILL BE A MIRACLE IF PEOPLE DON'T MISTAKE OUR TUSSLE FOR AN ILL CONCEIVED VENTRILOQUIST ACT.
KARKAT: I WILL SHOOSH YOU AGAIN, SO HELP ME GOD. I WILL SHOOSH YOUR CLOWN ASS TO SHANGRI-BULLSHIT-LA AND BACK, AND FILL YOUR EAR WITH MY WHITE HOT PALEBRO SPITTLE.
KARKAT: I AM FULL AND FUCKING WELL PREPARED TO GET CONCILIATORY WITH YOU AGAIN IF YOU SO MUCH AS PASS GAS MURDEROUSLY, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
KARKAT: IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT??? DO I NEED TO CALM YOUR FAYGO-STICKY TENTSQUATTING SHIT DOWN AGAIN????
GAMZEE: naw brother, i was just about to all say for you to try and get your settle down on, maybe.
GAMZEE: :o(
DAVE: man what the hell even happened on this meteor anyway
DAVE: actually dont even tell me
KARKAT: OK
KARKAT: OK YEAH
KARKAT: I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
KARKAT: NO, YOU'RE RIGHT, I SHOULD RELAX.
KARKAT: AND BREATHE.
KARKAT: I MEAN, WHAT ARE MOIRAILS FOR, RIGHT?
KARKAT: THIS IS HOW IT WORKS, I STOP YOU FROM KILLING EVERYBODY, THEN YOU RETURN THE FAVOR AND CALM ME DOWN AND I JUST
KARKAT: BREATHE
KARKAT: LIKE
KARKAT: THIS...
KARKAT: SNIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFFFFUCK, THAT SUN IS BRIGHT.
KARKAT: CALL ME CRAZY, BUT IT'S KIND OF HARD TO RELAX WITHIN A STONE'S THROW FROM, OH, I GUESS ONLY THE BIGGEST FUCKING STAR ANY MORTAL HAS EVER LAID EYES ON.
KANAYA: Actually I Was Just Thinking
KANAYA: Its Nice To Get A Little Sun After So Long
KARKAT: SURE, THAT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD FOR YOU.
KARKAT: BUT I MEAN, CAN THIS BE HEALTHY?
KARKAT: AREN'T WE GOING TO GET BURNED OR HAVE OUR RETINAS SCORCHED BY LOOKING AT IT?
KARKAT: OH GOD I THINK I'M HAVING A PANIC ATTACK.
TEREZI: K4RK4T YOUR3 3MB4RR4SS1NG US 1N FRONT OF TH3 HUM4NS
KARKAT: FUCK YOU
KARKAT: I CAN'T BREATHE...
KARKAT: IT'S SO BRIGHT, I NEED SUNGLASSES OR SOMETHING.
KARKAT: QUICK, WHICH ONE OF YOU AWESOME DUDES HAS A RADICAL PAIR OF SHADES I CAN BORROW???
KANAYA: One Moment


12/19/11
"[A6I1] ==>"






12/19/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
KARKAT: I WAS JOKING, GET THOSE FUCKING THINGS AWAY FROM ME


12/20/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
TEREZI: 1 4M SO SORRY YOU GUYS
TEREZI: W3 4R3 4CTU4LLY 4 LOT COOL3R TH4N TH1S!
DAVE: are you actually
TEREZI: ...
TEREZI: NO
TEREZI: NO W3 AR3 NOT
KARKAT: WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW
KARKAT: SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON.
KARKAT: WHO'S THE LEADER NOW?
KARKAT: ARADIA ARE YOU THE LEADER NOW
KARKAT: OR IS IT ROSE "I HAVE AN IDEA, LET'S TAKE THE INVINCIBLE DEMON HEAD ON!" LALONDE.
KARKAT: I NEED TO KNOW WHO THE LEADER IS
KARKAT: I NEED TO KNOW IN WHOSE DIRECTION I MUST BEHAVE AS THE MOST PATHETICALLY USELESS SUBORDINATE I CAN BE.
KARKAT: QUICK, SOMEONE BOSS ME AROUND! I'M FUCKING INCOMPETENT AND RARING TO GO.
KARKAT: THAT'S WHAT YOU DO WHEN THERE'S A LEADER AROUND TRYING TO MAKE PLANS, RIGHT?
KARKAT: YOU DROP YOUR IQ HARDER THAN A PAIR OF HILARIOUSLY PLUMMETING PANTS, YOU CEASELESSLY RAMBLE ABOUT VAPID BULLSHIT, YOU RUN AROUND HIDING ALL OF YOUR WORLDLY POSSESSIONS IN TREASURE CHESTS, AND THEN EVERYONE STARTS MURDERING EACH OTHER.
KARKAT: IF THERE'S ANY OTHER EXPERIENCE CHARACTERIZING LEADERSHIP, IT'S ONE I SURE AS FUCK NEVER HAD!
KARKAT: SO I NEED TO KNOW WHO THE LEADER IS.
KARKAT: STRIDER, IS IT YOU???
TEREZI: 4444444UGH


12/20/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
ARADIA: karkat i dont know if anyone cares about formal ranks like that anymore
ARADIA: or if anyone ever did!
ARADIA: but for what its worth i suggest that from now on you all listen closely to the advice of our human guests
DAVE: wait
DAVE: really
ARADIA: yes!
ARADIA: no need to be so modest dave
ARADIA: tactically speaking a knight of time and a seer of light is a nearly unbeatable combination
DAVE: ok
DAVE: i dont really have any orders to give though
DAVE: except for karkat to shut the hell up because that horseshit is more obnoxious in person than i ever imagined
KARKAT: OH WOW, I WOULD OFFER A RETORT TO YOUR VICIOUS BARB, EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT UNLIKE EVERY ASSHOLE EVER, I CAN ACTUALLY FOLLOW ORDERS AND SHUT MY MOUTH!
KARKAT: CHECK IT OUT, "DOGG"
KARKAT: ......................................
ARADIA: yes you are off to an excellent start as a subordinate
ARADIA: keep doing that!
ARADIA: but dave dont worry if you do not have instructions for us
ARADIA: the knight of time is not necessarily the tactician
ARADIA: he is a powerful warrior class which exploits the flow of time as a weapon
ARADIA: rose is the one who must play the role of the strategist
ARADIA: the seer class knows her aspect comprehensively
ARADIA: as a knower of all fortune she can see the circuitous path that will lead to the most favorable outcome for everyone
ARADIA: personally i would defer to her judgment!
TEREZI: R34LLY? YOU C4N DO TH4T??
ROSE: Yes.
TEREZI: TH4T SOUNDS 4 LOT MOR3 US3FUL TH4N MY S33R POW3RS >:[
ROSE: Illumination of the road to victory for all is an asset considerably different from command over the outcomes of decisions made by individuals.
ROSE: How do you know your talents won't be critical in blazing this auspicious trail?
TEREZI: UM
TEREZI: 1 GU3SS 1 DONT
ROSE: That's because you're not me.
KANAYA: Okay Then What Do We Do


12/20/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
ROSE: Nothing yet.
ROSE: But reasonably soon, within a certain window, it will be time to leave.
ROSE: We will then pilot this meteor as fast as we can make it go in that exact direction.
SOLLUX: what's that way?
ROSE: Nothing whatsoever.
ROSE: As of now, that way lies darkness and uncertainty beyond description.
KANAYA: I See
KANAYA: Then Perhaps We Should Reserve The Infinite Darkness Plan For The Maybe Column For Now
KANAYA: I Think Im Even Willing To Let Dave Take A Crack At The Logistics Before We Commit To That Particular Maneuver Daring Though It Sounds
DAVE: aw yeah
DAVE: i got sicknasty logistics up my sleeve
DAVE: i just call them stics fyi which is how you know im way savvy about them
DAVE: most of the stics im fine tuning atm involve rap though i should warn you
DAVE: but dave what if that dope as hell plan falls through i can hear you ask
DAVE: plan b
DAVE: involves drawing some shitty cartoons
DAVE: and not giving a fuck about stuff
TEREZI: >8D
TEREZI: 1 H3R3BY S3COND TH1S COOL DUD3S R4D1C4L MOT1ON ON GROUNDS OF R1D1CULOUSLY D3C4D3NT 4TT1R3
KANAYA: Yes Im Willing To Humor Elaboration On This Rap Centric Plan And Its Apathy Based Contingencies
KANAYA: Even If Its Excessively Stupid
ROSE: Trust me, it is.
ROSE: Just as you should trust me that by the time we leave, if we leave exactly within the designated window and are able to travel at nearly the speed of light, the meteor will trace a route through the Furthest Ring which will topologically resolve as a straight line.
ROSE: It will lead us directly to the new session.
ROSE: For a brief moment, the sun will be visible from that session.
ROSE: And we will be riding the chartreuse coattails of its photons.
ARADIA: this is why you all needed an advanced seer!
ARADIA: i have become familiar with the ways of the fabric out here but even i couldnt chart a journey that long or complex
ROSE: That's because it's almost impossible to do so voluntarily.
ROSE: If we were to head right now in the session's true physical direction, it wouldn't be long before we found ourselves traveling in just the opposite direction.
ROSE: This is not even to speak of the chronological peculiarities. After traveling some distance, we could discover we were suddenly tailgating our own meteor from several days ago.
ROSE: If we are particularly unfortunate, we might even collide in an intersection of spacetime with a meteor piloted by our future selves.
ROSE: And if we looked closely at that meteor before impact, we might notice a very large dent in it, which it originally suffered during the very collision we were about to experience.
ROSE: It takes precision and timing to reach your destination out here, and most importantly, the grace of the gods themselves.
KARKAT: PPPFFUUUUUUUHHHHHHH......... WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE...
ROSE: Hm?
SOLLUX: kk, what the fuck?
SOLLUX: were you h0lding your breath that wh0le time?
KARKAT: YEAH
KARKAT: SO?
TEREZI: OH GOD, YOU DUMMY
TEREZI: YOU DONT 4CTU4LLY H4V3 TO HOLD YOUR BR34TH WH3N YOUR3 B31NG QU13T!
KARKAT: OK YEAH
KARKAT: I MEAN, OF COURSE IT SOUNDS OBVIOUS WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT
DAVE: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
DAVE: rose i told you this dude is fucking incredible
KARKAT: STFU.
KARKAT: LOOK I'M JUST A LITTLE OUT OF PRACTICE AT STAYING QUIET FOR EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME, OK?
TEREZI: H3 R34LLY 1S >:|
KARKAT: ANYWAY, WHATEVER, SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING LALONDE IS
KARKAT: WE'RE GOING TO BE ON THIS HORRIBLE ROCK A GOOD WHILE LONGER TO GET TO THIS PARADISE SESSION OR WHATEVER IT IS?
ROSE: Yes.
KARKAT: AND SINCE WE PROBABLY AREN'T GOING TO FORCE SOLLUX'S BULLSHIT "HALF GHOST" OR WHATEVER TO POP HIMSELF AGAIN LIKE A PACKET OF NASTY FETID MUSTARD SO HE CAN SHOOT THIS THING INTO HYPERSPACE...
SOLLUX: hey man, come 0n. not c0ol.
KARKAT: I'M GUESSING THAT MEANS IT'LL TAKE CONSIDERABLY LONGER TO GET THERE THAN IT DID TO GET HERE?
ROSE: Yes.
KARKAT: I JUST KNEW IT
KARKAT: THIS IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE REALIZED
KARKAT: WHEN WE FIRST FLED TO THIS METEOR I HAD THIS WEIRD FEELING WE'D WIND UP SPENDING FOREVER AT THIS MISERABLE PLACE, ASSUMING WE ACTUALLY SURVIVED.
KARKAT: I'M ALMOST AFRAID TO ASK, HOW LONG IS THIS TRIP GOING TO TAKE?
KARKAT: PROBABLY SOME ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS AMOUNT OF TIME, LIKE THREE LONG MADDENING SWEEPS, RIGHT???
KARKAT: WOULDN'T THAT JUST BE SO COSMICALLY CONVENIENT AND PERFECT FOR EVERYBODY! ESPECIALLY FOR THE MOST IMPORTANT PURPOSE OF ALL, MY UNINTERRUPTED CONTINUUM OF PERSONAL AGONY!!!
KARKAT: THANK YOU, DARK GODS! THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!!! YOU WIN THIS ROUND! YOU WIN ALL THE ROUNDS APPARENTLY!!!!! THERE ARE NO ROUNDS EVEN. THERE'S JUST YOUR SLIMY TENDRILS, OUR NAKED BODIES, AND EPOCHS OF MOLESTATION.
ROSE: Don't be ridiculous. It won't take nearly that long.
KARKAT: OH
ROSE: It'll only take about three years.
KARKAT: OK
KARKAT: THAT'S NOT SO BAD I GUESS.
KARKAT: WAIT, HOW LONG ARE YEARS SUPPOSED TO BE AGAIN?
KARKAT: WAS IT LIKE TWO WEEKS OR SOMETHING?
ROSE: Yes, two.
ROSE: And then fifty more.
KARKAT: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.


12/21/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
ARADIA: karkat go back to holding your breath!
ARADIA: this is going to be a wonderful adventure for everyone
ARADIA: im a bit jealous honestly!
ARADIA: or i would be if i wasnt having such a good time with my death fangirl thing :p
KANAYA: So
KANAYA: You Arent Coming Then
ARADIA: no
ARADIA: i still have important work to do here
TEREZI: 4WW >:[
ARADIA: but that doesnt rule out the possibility we could meet again in bubbles along your journey!
TEREZI: 1 HOP3 SO
SOLLUX: yeah, i think i'll hang behind here t0o, if that's 0k with you guys.
KARKAT: WAIT, WHAT?
KARKAT: NO COME ON, DON'T BE LIKE THAT
SOLLUX: be like what? a ghost??
SOLLUX: i d0n't think i belong with the living anym0re.
KARKAT: YOU'RE A *HALF* GHOST, ASSHOLE.
KARKAT: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? HOW ARE YOU EVEN TAKING THIS IDIOTIC "HALF DEATH" SERIOUSLY IF YOU JUST GO HOG WILD AS A FUCKING WHOLE-GHOST, AND SAY STUPID SHIT LIKE, BLAH BLAH, I BELONG IN THE AFTERLIFE NOW LIKE A DUMBASS.
SOLLUX: kk, SORRY.
SOLLUX: i'm just d0ne with this crap, this insane adventure bullshit, it's nothing pers0nal.
SOLLUX: i just want to spend time with aa and chill 0ut and catch up with some 0f our dead buddies, is that 0k?
KARKAT: WHATEVER, FINE.
KARKAT: I'M GOING BACK TO NOT BREATHING AGAIN.
KARKAT: HHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUP.............
KANAYA: Maybe I Will Stay Here Too
ROSE: Why?
KANAYA: As Nice As It Sounds To Move On
KANAYA: I Dont Know If I Can Stand Three Of Your Human Years Of More Darkness
KANAYA: I Like This Sun Its Comforting In A Strange Way
KANAYA: Like Home
ROSE: But what if we need your help?
KANAYA: What Could I Possibly Do
KANAYA: Aside From Providing A Light Source As You Navigate The Dim Corridors
KANAYA: I Would Function As A Premium Escort To The Load Gaper And Thats About It
ARADIA: but kanaya you still have important work to finish too!
ARADIA: we cant ignore our duties
KANAYA: What Are You Talking About
ARADIA: our race is extinct remember
ARADIA: and after a few more casualties it is now hanging by a thread
ARADIA: your job was to see to the resurrection of our people
KANAYA: What Real Hope Is There For That
KANAYA: The Orb Was Destroyed
KANAYA: I Was Never Able To Duplicate It The Grist Cost Was Astronomical
ARADIA: theres always hope though!
ARADIA: you just never know and i dont think you should give up
KANAYA: Doesnt Rose Know
KANAYA: Cant You See The Path To Victory On This Matter
ROSE: It's hard to say.
ROSE: Does the repopulation of your species qualify as victory?
ROSE: These things aren't always clear cut. Some outcomes are for your own judgment.
ROSE: What outcome would you like the most?
KANAYA: I Would Like To Have The Orb Again And To Keep It Safe This Time
KANAYA: And I Guess To Not Be A Total Failure
ROSE: Ok.
ROSE: If you follow my advice, I can at least promise you will find yourself in the best position to determine whether that may come to pass.
KANAYA: ...
ROSE: Can you please come?
ROSE: Between the two of us, you with your inexplicably heretofore unmentioned phosphorescence, and I with my nigh-reflective traffic cone orange sun-sari, the meteor should never be too dark.
KARKAT: (sollux, oh my god is it me or is everybody already just fucking hitting on each other left and right? oh god i can't take sweeps of this shit, don't leave me alone here, please don't)
SOLLUX: ehehehehe.
KANAYA: Well
KANAYA: All Right
KANAYA: But Must We Really Leave So Soon
ROSE: It's soon or never. But not immediately.
ROSE: Even if the route were accessible right now, it would still behoove us to wait.
ROSE: There's correspondence from John yet to arrive.
DAVE: whoa really
ROSE: And after that, we have to wait for one final guest to appear.
ROSE: Then we ride like the solar wind. The race will be afoot.
KANAYA: Wait Another Visitor
KANAYA: Who
KARKAT: FUCK!
ROSE: Oh lord.
ROSE: Now what?
KARKAT: BRO, WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR BODY


12/21/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
KARKAT: SOLLUX, WHERE DID YOUR BODY GO???
SOLLUX: hell if i kn0w.
ARADIA: oh nooo :(
KARKAT: WAIT A MINUTE.
KARKAT: WAIT JUST A FUCKING MINUTE, WHERE'S...
KARKAT: SHIT
KARKAT: VRISKA'S BODY IS GONE TOO!
DAVE: wait
DAVE: shes dead too
TEREZI: 3R...
DAVE: you guys are so messed up
KARKAT: WHERE ARE THEY?
KARKAT: DID ANYONE SEE WHAT HAPPENED??
KARKAT: DAMMIT, WHEN THE FUCK WILL I LEARN NOT TO TURN MY BACK ON THE BODIES.
KARKAT: HOLD ON
KARKAT: OH NO, WHERE'S GAMZEE
KANAYA: He Took Them
KANAYA: Look At The Trails
KARKAT: OHHHH FUCK
KARKAT: NO, FUCK NO, FUCK THAT CORPSE HOARDING SACK OF HORRIBLE GARBAGE.
DAVE: wait has the juggalo troll been giving you guys fits like this or something
DAVE: like this is a thing
DAVE: like a pattern
KARKAT: NICE GUESS SHIT HEAD!
DAVE: oh man one of you has got to sit me down and tell me what actually happened here it all just sounds fuckin amazing in sort of the stupidest way possible
DAVE: i mean like personal tragedies notwithstanding
KARKAT: YEAH, HE DOES THIS
KARKAT: HE SORT OF COLLECTS BODIES AND DECAPITATES THEM AND STUFF
KARKAT: STICKS THEM IN BIG SCIENCE JARS, FOR SOME REASON??
KANAYA: Im Pretty Sure He Kisses Them Too Sometimes
KARKAT: NO NO NO I'M NOT LISTENING TO SHIT LIKE THAT, I DIDN'T EVEN HEAR THAT.
KARKAT: IT'S LIKE
KARKAT: YOU KNOW HOW EVERY NOW AND THEN YOUR LUSUS WILL BRING SOME RANDOM ASS DEAD ANIMAL BACK TO YOUR HIVE FOR NO FUCKING REASON
KARKAT: AND THEY DON'T EVER STOP DOING THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU YELL
KARKAT: IT'S LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
DAVE: not really
DAVE: oh wait
DAVE: against all odds i sorta do
DAVE: mine actually did do that once
KARKAT: YES, THERE YOU GO.
DAVE: when i was really young
DAVE: he made this stupid leather bib for me out of a goddamn horse
DAVE: for the ironies obviously
ROSE: Was that the one you mentioned had a pink heart on it?
DAVE: yeah
ROSE: Hmm.
DAVE: what
ROSE: It's just that with the clarity afforded by my new abilities, it occurred to me just now that dead horse was likely the beautiful pet pony my mother gave me recently.
ROSE: It was crushed to death by your newborn ass.
ROSE: You bastard.
DAVE: well shit
DAVE: thats a hell of a mystery no one thought was a mystery and didnt even really need solving
DAVE: but damn if it didnt just get solved so nice work
ROSE: Thanks.
KARKAT: KANAYA WHERE ARE YOU GOING?


12/21/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
KANAYA: Clown Hunting


12/22/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
KARKAT: OH NO...
KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
KARKAT: I MEAN WHO EVEN REALLY CARES IF HE STOLE MORE BODIES.
KARKAT: HE CAN HAVE THEM FRANKLY, AS LONG AS IT KEEPS HIM OUT OF TROUBLE.
KARKAT: WE DON'T NEED TO HAVE A FUCKING CORPSE PARTY, SERIOUSLY, FUCK THAT DUMB IDEA.
KANAYA: ...
KARKAT: ALRIGHT IF YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO GO
KARKAT: JUST
KARKAT: BE CAREFUL
KARKAT: NO MORE POINTLESS BLOODSHED, OK? THAT'S AN ORDER!
KARKAT: WAIT FUCK
KARKAT: I'M NOT LEADER ANYMORE
KARKAT: ROSE CAN YOU ORDER HER TO DO THAT?
KARKAT: SAY WHAT I JUST SAID, REALLY ANGRILY
KARKAT: ASSUMING YOU CAN EVEN *BE* ANGRY.
ROSE: ...
KARKAT: WAIT
KARKAT: GUYS SOMETHING'S HAPPENING...
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON NOW???


12/22/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
KARKAT: HOLY


12/22/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
KARKAT: FUCKING


12/22/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
KARKAT: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


12/22/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
KARKAT: HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII


12/22/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
KARKAT: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII


12/22/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
KARKAT: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.


12/22/11
"[A6I1] ==>"






12/22/11
"[A6I1] ==>"






12/22/11
"[A6I1] ==>"






12/22/11
"[A6I1] ==>"






12/22/11
"[A6I1] ==>"






12/22/11
"[A6I1] ==>"






12/23/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



hey everybody!

this is john. actually, it is john, jade, and dave sprite. we all contributed to the contents of this bucket! we have to make it quick because apparently you're about to go on a long journey, just like us. i'm sorry we can't be there for the big meetup. karkat, i deeply regret that i will not be present for these highly touted "TROLL/HUMAN SLOPPY MAKEOUTS", ha ha. maybe in three years, assuming you all aren't totally smooched out by then!!! (i am just kidding around, btw.) rose and dave, you both look totally sweet! i can't believe you're both god tiers now. did you know jade is too? also, she has dog ears. she looks fantastic. how cool is it that we're all god tiers? it's like we're a super hero team, or some kind of anime squad. like the sailor moons, i guess, but not as lame, or as sexy. i'm going to miss the hell out of you both for the next few years. i'm already looking forward to this new session so hard. it was a fun adventure we had today, wasn't it? i'll even miss talking to the trolls too. say hi to them for me, even though i didn't get to know many. except karkat obviously, and oh yeah, vriska too. vriska, if you read this, thanks again for all your help. i don't think i'd have made it this far if not for you! i just thought you should know that.

jade and dave sprite both say hi and send their best wishes. but now jade says i have to finish quickly! she wants me to throw this bucket and its heartfelt payload through her mysterious portal. so here i go.

see you all in 3 years!!!

~john



12/23/11
"[S][A6I1] Karkat: Mental breakdown."






12/23/11
"[A6I1] ==>"






12/24/11
"[A6I1] ==>"






12/24/11
"[A6I1] ==>"






12/24/11
"[A6I1] ==>"






12/24/11
"[A6I1] ==>"






12/24/11
"[A6I1] ==>"






12/24/11
"[A6I1] ==>"






12/24/11
"[A6I1] ==>"






12/24/11
"[A6I1] ==>"






12/24/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: whos this guy
ROSE: The visitor I mentioned earlier.
ROSE: He will be traveling with us too.


12/24/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: is he dead
ROSE: We should be able to get him some help along the way.
ROSE: But only if we leave immediately.
ROSE: Luckily for him, we have no alternative. Jack will arrive soon.
TEREZI: WH4T!
ROSE: When I said the race would be afoot, I was being literal.
ROSE: He will follow our trail, and match our speed.
ROSE: And since this is not the ideal scenario for a final showdown, the best we can hope to do is outrun him.


12/24/11
"[A6I1] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
KARKAT: SOUNDS LIKE IT'S TIME TO HIT THE FUCKING ROAD THEN
KARKAT: HOW DO WE MAKE THIS THING GO ANYWAY. DOES IT HAVE ROCKETS OR SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW ABOUT??
ROSE: Maybe it does. I'm not sure.
ROSE: But one good push in the right direction should be all we need.
ARADIA: i can help with that!
ARADIA: sollux do you think you can lend me a hand?
SOLLUX: huh?
ARADIA: theyll need the biggest push we can give them
SOLLUX: 0h.
SOLLUX: yeah sure.
KARKAT: WHAT, SO JUST ONE "PUSH" IS GOING TO LAST THREE YEARS?
KARKAT: LET ALONE OUTRUN JACK?? BULLSHIT.
SOLLUX: calm down kk, it sh0uld be fine.
SOLLUX: y0u won't sl0w down.
KARKAT: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THAT?
ROSE: Troll Isaac Newton told him.
KARKAT: OK, WHATEVER, LET'S JUST GET ON WITH IT.
KARKAT: IN THE MEANTIME WE SHOULD SET UP SOME SORT OF CHECKPOINT PERIMETER AROUND THE DEAD MAYOR GUY.
KARKAT: JUST SO GAMZEE DOESN'T TRY TO HOARD HIS BODY OR CHOP OFF HIS HEAD.
DAVE: what is he the mayor of anyway
DAVE: it kinda looks like he just made that sash himself
KARKAT: HE'S THE DULY ELECTED MAYOR OF THE FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, AND HE JUST CUT THE RIBBON TO A BRAND NEW MUSEUM FULL OF PRICELESS SHUT THE FUCK UP.
ARADIA: ok you guys can keep arguing if you like but im going to send you on your way now
ARADIA: then after you leave i should be able to buy you a little more time
KARKAT: HOW'S THAT?
ARADIA: when jack comes ill slow him down for a while
ARADIA: it wont be for very long but its the best i can do!
ROSE: That should help us greatly.
ROSE: Thank you, Aradia.
ARADIA: youre welcome!
ARADIA: are you ready sollux?


12/24/11
"[A6I1] ==>"






12/24/11
"[A6I1] ==>"






12/25/11
"[A6I1] ==>"






12/25/11
"[A6I1] ==>"






12/29/11
"[S] END OF ACT 6 INTERMISSION 1"






12/31/11
"==>"



You are Jane Crocker again.

And once again, you have woken up on the moon of Prospit, without any recollection of how you fell asleep. You think you were going outside to get the mail? You can't remember.


12/31/11
"==>"



The moon is presently eclipsing Skaia. From your fanciful dream room atop your golden tower, you have seen many remarkable things in the clouds. Things which you cannot explain.

But against all better judgment, you have a feeling that what you are fondly regarding could very well be some sort of miracle.


12/31/11
"==>"



The miracle of a new beginning.


12/31/11
"==>"






12/31/11
"==>"






12/31/11
"==>"






12/31/11
"==>"



Another coffin clogger bites the dust.


12/31/11
"==>"



Two down. Two to go.


12/31/11
"Jane: Be Jack Noir."



Jane is too dead at the moment to be Jack Noir.

Jack Noir just bees himself instead.


12/31/11
"Jack: Get watch."



Get this shit outta the way. You're a busy bureaucrat. The clock is ticking, and time is dead kids.


12/31/11
"Jack: Check time."



The moment rapidly approaches. You're gonna show these alabaster sons of bitches how a cold war is done. You can't wait to read it in their papers. "The Maid is dead. Our Life is pathetic, blah blah blah." Or somesuch monotone drivel overheard during one of their pointless, weepy cadaver parades. There'll be no mistaking it this time. No servant will discover the body and inform the queen that Prospit's remaining hero passed in her sleep, peacefully and mysteriously. When the clock strikes twelve, no one in this wretched kingdom will have any doubt who's calling the shots here.

You're gonna bring this whole goddamn ball down.


12/31/11
"Jack: Contact Droll."



You touch base with your administration's top powdermonkey, none other than Dersite bumbler extraordinaire, the Courtyard Droll.

You ask if he's done rigging the tower to blow. He says you bet. You say good, over. But he mutters something over the radio you don't quite catch. You say what is it. He says oh nothing boss. You say out with it. He asks, isn't this cheating? Assassinating the heroes like this before the war's even really begun. You say what do you care, just follow your orders. He says oh of course, no question, he just thought it was against the rules or something. You say it's all fair game now that the kingdom's under new management. The new boss ain't opposed to taking some shrewd tactical shortcuts. You like the cut of her jib. He says he supposes he can't complain. Her policy toward elaborate hats seems to be as lenient as the old queen's. You say will you shut up about the hats. He says it's probably because she wears the most grand and luxurious fluffy hat he's ever seen. You say you don't think that's a hat. You think it's something called "hair." He says oh.

You say now quit all the yapping and following your damn orders. He says ok, but it still just feels wrong. You say what does. He says he doesn't know, just something about feeding that poor sleeping boy all those deadly peanuts just felt wrong. You say you don't care if it felt like a fucking full body massage, just get those bombs ready to blow, over and out.

Wait.

Fed him what?


01/01/12
"==>"



He says the intelligence report he had said the kid wouldn't take well to peanuts. So he snuck in there with a whole bag of them. You know, like the kind from circuses.


01/01/12
"==>"



He says he ate most of them because they were delicious, and as far as he knows, aren't poisonous to most everybody else. But he did save a few to get the job done, because he is a professional who always carries out his orders.


01/01/12
"==>"



It's not easy feeding a sleeping boy some peanuts, he says. He says he had to work extra hard to put them in his mouth and then use his hands to make his mouth chew up the nuts.


01/01/12
"==>"



But mission accomplished nonetheless, he tells you. You should be pleased to know those nuts were super deadly! Though to be fair he doesn't know if he died from the poison, or just choked on a bunch of barely chewed peanut bits. You know what else is super deadly, you say? Knives. Sharp deadly knives you stick in people's soft torsos to make them bleed until they die.

He doesn't have anything to say to that.


01/01/12
"Jack: Wrap this up."



You say forget it, what's done is done. The Prospitian heroes are dead, and that's all that matters. Just be ready to detonate at the appointed time. He says roger that, but wonders if there are any more orders after that. He asks, what about the other two? The ones on our moon? And most importantly, is there any particular snack that is poisonous to them? You say forget about those two. They're much trickier to deal with. You've got the Dignitary working on it now. You'll get a report from him soon when you return. You wouldn't have even bothered leaving in the first place, but you wanted to make the trip personally and stick it to all these self righteous, Skaia-bathing goody twoshoeses yourself.

Hang on. Something's happening here. You gotta go.


01/01/12
"Jack: Inspect torso."



This can't be good.

You better hit the road and blow this joint, before the dead broad does some sorta...

Lifey thing.


01/01/12
"Jack: Hit road, blow joint."






01/01/12
"==>"






01/01/12
"==>"






01/01/12
"Ball: Drop."






01/01/12
"==>"






01/01/12
"==>"






01/01/12
"==>"






01/01/12
"==>"






01/01/12
"==>"






01/01/12
"==>"






01/01/12
"==>"






01/02/12
"ACT 6 ACT 2"






01/02/12
"Jane: Wake up."



What the heck just happened?

Now you remember. The mailbox was boobytrapped. But you survived somehow, and got knocked out.

How did you get all the way over here?


01/02/12
"==>"



Dad seems just as dumbfounded as you are, and more than a little distraught.

Did Lil' Seb whisk you away in the nick of time? Can that little bunny really move that fast? Where is he??


01/02/12
"==>"



You suppose you should let dad know you're ok. But it's been so long since you've enjoyed such a massive PRANKSTER'S GAMBIT in an exchange with the old man. It's hard not to bask in it, if only for a few seconds.


01/02/12
"Jane: Turn around."



Oh. It's the GOD CAT again. You guess that explains it.


01/02/12
"==>"



Just look at that aloof little bastard. He doesn't give a shit about anything, does he?

You guess you should feel grateful toward him for saving your life, but you know he's just as likely to rescue you from an explosion as he is to randomly teleport you across town, forcing you to call your dad and ask for a ride home, while you spend all day standing in some random field in the pouring rain while you wait hours for your dad to come and pick you up after he gets lost because he plugged the wrong place into google maps.


01/03/12
"Jane: Call GCat down from the tree."



Even if you were inclined to do that, he wouldn't respond to that name. You're pretty sure he doesn't have a name. You and your friends just call him the GCat for lack of anything else to call him. Everybody has opinions, but nobody can agree on a good name. You think he probably doesn't want a name. He's just a feisty stray who likes to meddle with your life, then vanish for weeks at a time.


01/03/12
"==>"



Uh oh. Looks like the jig is up, yet again. Is the jig ever ANYWHERE but up?? That's what you want to know.

You feel bad about leaving him in suspense for even a moment. Your gambit gets totally rocked by a guilty conscience.


01/03/12
"==>"



He tells you to get inside this instant.


01/05/12
"Jane: Return to room."



You get inside this instant, and march back up to your bedroom. Dad didn't say as much, but it's a safe bet you are now permagrounded for life.

You hear a loud thump just outside your door.


01/05/12
"==>"






01/05/12
"Jane: Contact bffsy."



As long as you just got done paying the piper, you might as well get busy eating all this goddamn crow. Oh so much of the stuff has gathered on your plate.

She appears to be online now. It looks like she sent you the "hacked" file while you were away.


01/05/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
gutsyGumshoe [GG] began bothering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 1:11

GG: Heyyy.
GG: Ahem.
GG: Ro-Lal?
TG: oopos sry
TG: was havin important chats
GG: Oh?
GG: With whom?
TG: w yet anather ineligible fuckin bachelor who elfe i have to talk 2
GG: Yeah.
GG: Um... which one, precisely?
TG: di stri
TG: insmufferable prick mf'r extroariadinnere
TG: *lol wow
TG: *extradinner
TG: *heheh yum
GG: If the chats and surplus dinners were truly important, I wouldn't want to interrupt.
TG: tchhhh
TG: of course not jus the usual bs
TG: chats with u always get precedance anyways
TG: unless this is more of u givin me shit about not believing me on all my sick tru facts
GG: Actually,
GG: That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
TG: i c
TG: go on..........
GG: You see, I was just the target of another assassination attempt.
TG: @@@
TG: fuck*!!!
GG: Two, in fact! One here in the real world, as I attempted to retrieve the mail.
GG: Luckily it was thwarted by a certain cat who shall remain nameless.
TG: hehehe oh man
TG: god cat
TG: bbf
TG: *good
TG: *bff
TG: *no wait
TG: *god wuz right
TG: fuckit
TG: *both spellins r true
GG: But in the process of being rescued from the explosion, I was knocked unconscious.
GG: And in my dream, there was another assassination attempt.
GG: This one I believe was successful!
TG: uhoh
GG: I'm becoming convinced that our "dream selves" are being picked off by violent hooligans.
TG: shit
TG: hooliginas
TG: * ...
TG: * yes
TG: but i think u mean
TG: batterwitch thugs
GG: Perhaps.
GG: The one who accosted me was a knife-wielding lunatic.
GG: And it's reasonable to deduce the same forces were responsible for Jake's death on Prospit as well.
GG: It looks like we are in the clutches of an actual caper. A real life mystery!
GG: Which under different circumstances would be quite exciting.
GG: But the truth is, I think we are all in great danger!
TG: well fuck
TG: i guess its time to take this shit up to RED ALART
TG: to where its been for like fuckin ever jane
GG: Yeah, yeah. :p
GG: But that wasn't all there was to the dream.
GG: Shortly before I was stabbed, I had a rather long gander at Skaia.
TG: a gander u say
GG: Yes.
TG: how good a gander
GG: I would say a pretty substantial gander.
TG: ok
TG: and during this totaly massive gander u snagged
TG: what did you see
GG: I saw things in the clouds.
TG: things
GG: Yes.
GG: Things.
TG: wut things
GG: Things happening in the future, I think.
GG: Many events pertaining to us. All of us, and other people I didn't recognize.
GG: It was a bit overwhelming.
GG: It made me feel small. Insignificant, relative to whatever it is we're about to involve ourselves with.
GG: And honestly...
GG: It made me feel pretty foolish too.
TG: foolish
TG: why foofish
TG: *sdjhf
GG: I began to wonder why I ever had the audacity to think I know much of anything about the world we live in or the journey we're about to take.
GG: Or to think I could ever rule anything out.
GG: I have a feeling that whatever I saw, it means you've been telling the truth all along.
GG: About everything.
GG: And I'm starting to feel like a complete idiot for doubting you.
TG: aw man :(
GG: I've been one great big horse's caboose, and I think you're owed an apology.
GG: Do you think you can forgive me?
TG: jane
TG: damn
TG: ur makin me feel like shit here
GG: Why?
TG: uuuun
TG: eh no reason
TG: just uh
TG: hey did u dl the game file i sent yet
GG: I did.
GG: And at this point, I guess I have no choice but to use it. I guess you were a step ahead of me yet again.
TG: why
GG: Because the one in the mail detonated in my most recent assassination attempt.
TG: WHAT
TG: of fuck those HACKS
TG: the old explobing game trick woh would stoup to such lowbrow shegnannagings like that
TG: *somany sweet typos
GG: :B
TG: that witch just mafes me FUCKINK FRUIOUS sometites
GG: Hoo hoo! The tactic was quite underhanded, yes.
TG: yeaaah
TG: uh so
TG: what were we talking about again
TG: soory im just worked up ovr it
GG: I don't blame you.
GG: Where we were, by my estimation, was a place wherein I was about to awkwardly attempt to swallow a helping of humble pie.
GG: To somehow make it up to you for my years of stubborn mistrust.
TG: hey jane
TG: wasnt that a bunch a splip infinitives...
GG: Hm?
TG: *split
TG: to awkwardly attemt
TG: to somehow make it up !
GG: Oh!!!
TG: lul so busted
GG: Oh gosh, what a doofus.
GG: You see?? I clearly don't have all the answers!
GG: I really had some nerve challenging anyone, on practically any subject.
TG: dont beat urself up too bad we both know that rule is bullshit anyway
TG: you hold yourself to too high a standard and those standards kinda leak out and start gettin applied to other people i guess sometimes
TG: you really dont have to apologize janey or eat humble pip or anything all youve got to do is maybe not be such a huge tightass all the time
GG: That's fair. But I would still like to make a gesture.
GG: Even if it's one partially motivated by self interest, seeing as I clearly have much to learn.
TG: ?
GG: I would like to give you a free pass for a day.
GG: It is good for twenty-four solid hours of absolute credulity from your best friend.
TG: ........
GG: :B
TG: ok waitin 4 u to say wtf youre exacly talkin about
GG: It means that starting now, whatever you tell me, I will have to believe you.
GG: I promise!
TG: o rly
GG: Yes.
TG: ooooooooooh................
GG: Um,
GG: Are you there?
GG: Ro???
TG: (shh)
TG: (thisis a dramantic pause calm ur tits)
GG: Oh.
GG: Hmm.
GG: Exactly how dramatic are we talking, here?
GG: Shall I go retrieve a magazine?
TG: RLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??????
GG: Sigh.


01/10/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TG: kay then
TG: what do you want me 2 say
TG: for you to autobelieve in
GG: Hmm.
GG: Everything, I guess. I'd like to get completely up to speed, if possible.
TG: yeah
TG: but
TG: im pretty sure i already said everything
TG: want me to just
TG: sayit all again.....
GG: Some reiteration certainly couldn't hurt.
GG: But this time I won't work so hard to sift the fantastical from the plausible.
TG: so like
TG: stuffs i said about my mom or
GG: Sure.
TG: ok well fors tarters
TG: she really is the notable author u know
GG: Oh, I know that!
GG: That was always something I had no trouble believing, considering the public documentation even reclusive celebrities receive.
GG: And frankly, the family resemblance is obvious.
TG: yup
GG: Anyway, it would be disingenuous if I found your relation far fetched, since we're all apparently related to noteworthy people. It's just one of those funny things.
TG: true dat
TG: then
TG: what else can i talk about
TG: like her occolt majyyks and stuff
TG: because i dont know a whole lot about the mayjjykks
TG: besides th fact that theyre all real as shit can get
GG: Maybe we should start at the very beginning.
TG: ok
TG: but the begninning was a hecka long time a go
GG: Do you remember around when we first started talking?
TG: y
GG: And you claimed you were the one making my pumpkins disappear?
TG: hahAHA
TG: *aha
TG: y :3
GG: You later proceeded to try to prove to me that what you were saying was true.
GG: But none of your attempts thereafter would ever bear any fruit, pardon the pun.
TG: k but it aint pardoned because a pumpkin aint even a fruit
TG: its a big orange porch thing for holloween numbnuts
GG: Yes, I know what pumpkins are. It was a joke, silly.
GG: What I'm trying to say is, in thinking back to those days, when you couldn't verify your claims, it made me think the whole thing was a big ruse.
GG: And I think this unfortunately began a pattern of mistrust. It was always hard to rule out the possibility that you could be joking about other things as well.
TG: yeah
TG: but its not my fault i mean appeafrification tech is notoriously unreliable
TG: remember
TG: i xplained this
TG: i cant just always appearify stuff from you any time i want
TG: i can only take stuff im "allowed" 2 which is pmuch random
TG: like stuff that by takin id be messing up the time line cause that stuff is supposed to be there and serve some funciton it hasnt served yet
TG: so most of the time if i try all i get is slime on my end
TG: but pumpins 4 some reason are a lil easier to take i dunno why
TG: like they are specifically and arbitrorily unhinged from spacetime
TG: is spooooko
TG: *ky
GG: I couldn't begin to explain the science behind such a technology either.
GG: But I guess the important thing is, regardless of how or why it works, this is a story you continue to stand by?
GG: That is, you are still taking credit for the mysterious disappearance of all those pumpkins I grew years ago?
TG: f yeah
TG: i so gonked your gaurds jane
GG: ...
GG: Did you gank them when my gourd was down?
TG: * yes
TG: * yes i did exectly that
TG: snatched ur patch sucka!!!!!!
TG: hehe
GG: Very well!
GG: Then I believe that is what happened.
GG: That's all I am trying to say here.
TG: so
TG: ok
TG: u believe that
TG: now what??
GG: Now... nothing, really.
GG: You may continue to tell me anything you would like with the confidence that I won't doubt you.
GG: So by all means, go ahead!
TG: ok gotit
TG: so jane
TG: whas tit feel like 2 get stabbed by a bab guy
GG: Oh, come on!
TG: huh
GG: That is a question!
TG: yeah so
GG: It's not any sort of revelation, or statement for me to take at face value.
GG: Dadburn it. This isn't that difficult!
GG: And for the record, it's not great.
TG: whats not
GG: GETTING STABBED BY A BAD GUY. IT ISN'T ALL THAT PEACHY.
TG: yeah i bet
TG: musta suuuucked
TG: or
TG: dream sucked idk
GG: So, you're not in the mood to tell me things?
TG: no i am
TG: im psyched about u wanting to believe me and all
TG: but part of me still feels like i should prove it
TG: like i tried to once
TG: it was just frustratin i mean im a sciestist i should be able 2 prove my shit
TG: like
TG: subject my claims to the fuckin madrigogs
GG: Um...
GG: Madrigogs?
TG: *mad rigors
TG: u know what i mean???
GG: Yeah, I understand.
TG: i mean trust between friends is sweet and everything but i dont know if i wanta be the repipient of like a butt load of pity believins
GG: It's not about pity!
GG: It's more like a gesture I'm trying to make.
GG: Or maybe that's not quite right.
GG: It has more to do with setting things right for myself than making it up to you.
GG: Does that make sense?
TG: .............
GG: Shoot, I'm doing such a terrible job explaining this! :(
TG: (patiently sips bev rage)
GG: The bottom line is, I WANT to believe the things you say now.
GG: That's all you need to know!
TG: ok thats good
TG: i want that 2 buuuuuuut
TG: i still wanna prove it irregardlessly!!!!!!!`
GG: *Shudders uncontrollably at "word" usage.*
TG: whoops sry
TG: * still WANT TO prove it irregaurdlesally
TG: ^ all fixed tght as fuck
TG: so u down for one last try
GG: Sure!
TG: k lets get busay
TG: what you want 2c me disappearify


01/10/12
"Jane: Look around."



|PESTERLOG|
GG: I don't know.
GG: The baking chest, maybe?
TG: too big
TG: i got size restrictions here
TG: bigger stuff takes huge amount sof power to swipe
TG: so this gizmo i have has a built in size cap
TG: like somethin as big as you for insance
TG: i cant take
TG: believe me ive triiiied
GG: D'aw.
GG: That's sweet of you, I guess?
TG: was totes sweet of me to try and steal you for the hangouts but it dint work becuse of BUULBSHIT
TG: but i can take stuff somewhat smaller
GG: What are the restrictions?
TG: just dump your shit on the floor
TG: tell me everything thats there


01/10/12
"Jane: Empty sylladex."



|PESTERLOG|
GG: Well, what immediately catches my attention is this enormous book.
GG: I wonder how it squares with your size restriction?
TG: wut book
GG: My Unabridged Sassacre's!
GG: It's a very rare edition, and a precious family heirloom, so I don't know if it would make an ideal candidate for the journey.
TG: no no r u kidding that shit is perfect
TG: should be just the right size like big but just barkley not too big
GG: But what if it gets damaged!
TG: pshhhhh itll be set fire
GG: Oh! Silly me, what was I even worried about!
TG: errr
TG: ahahaha man
TG: * sent
TG: ** fine
GG: That wasn't even a Freudian slip.
GG: Doctor Freud just tripped over an errant phallus, tumbled down a flight of stairs, and broke his neck.
GG: And then his cigar exploded comically in his face.
TG: ffffFROLOFL
TG: jane ur funy
TG: (omg still lolig @ that word boner i made ooomg)
GG: It was spectacular.
TG: but 4 real i wont set ur fuckin joke book on fire jane
TG: it doesnt even do that even if it goes the worst kinds of wrog
GG: Couldn't we send Wise Guy instead?
GG: At least it can be easily replaced.
TG: jane
GG: ?
TG: jaaanae
GG: HM??
TG: FUCK wise guy
TG: ist would be SO LAME ass a giguinea pig book
TG: goddam who m i kidding i dont even no how to spell giguinea pig whilst sober
TG: coud be sober as a churchchrist and lookat it..... giunae.... guinea... idk shit looks intrinsnically fucked typographically speakin
TG: sooo FUCK that wrod and FUCK those parcicultar pigs
GG: No, I reject your proposal that we "fuck" Wise Guy, whatever that actually means, or for that matter, the spelling of any adorable rodents named after African nations.
TG: jane
TG: are u being a tightass again
GG: I don't... think so?
TG: we talked about this
GG: About what?
TG: about you benig a tightass
GG: I am not being a tightass!
TG: janey
TG: it seems 2 me
TG: that there is a (MATHS) % chance of you bein a huge tightass
TG: are u bein a huge tightass on me jane
GG: Oh god dammit.
GG: Take the book! What do I care!!!
TG: yessss thast the spirpit
TG: now u are believin w petrol
GG: I fail to see what offering up a priceless book for your wildly capricious science experiment has to do with my resolution to be less stingy with my beliefs, but alright.
TG: haha will u relax abt the book
TG: im only just teasing cause theres like practically a 100 percant chance this wont wonk like alwasy
TG: * wort work like always
TG: sooooo
TG: ready/
GG: Yes, let's just get on with it.


01/10/12
"RL: Appearify."



|PESTERLOG|
GG: It worked!
GG: The book is gone!
TG: oh no
TG: aaaawwwww shit
GG: What is it?
TG: shit shit shitsh it
GG: Did you receive the book?
TG: shoiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit
TG: SHITSHITSHITHISTHITSHITSTHI
GG: Don't tell me.
GG: The book is damaged somehow, isn't it?
TG: ffuuuuuuuuuuuk :(
GG: Sigh. Is it at least SOMEWHAT intact?
GG: Or was it completely incinerated in transit?
GG: I just KNEW we should have used Wise Guy. I can't believe this.
TG: dont worry
TG: the book itself is topes fine :*
TG: *:9
TG: *dsjf :(
GG: Oh.
GG: Then what's the problem?
TG: fffff
TG: im so stupid :(
TG: so stupoid so stupud soos tupob :(((
GG: Will you tell me what happened??
TG: gotta go bbl
TG: well talk abt important stuffs l8r
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
TG: ps jane ty 4 believin me
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
TG: OH SHIT
TG: on last thing jane
TG: DO NOT RUN THEFILE I SENT U BEFORE I GET BACK
TG: i need 2
TG: uh
TG: just dont w/o me ok
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
TG: fuuuuuuuuiiiuickl :'(
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]


01/11/12
"==>"



You wonder what her deal was. It's always something with her.

You again notice her game file, beckoning you to play. But she warned you not to until she gets back. Phooey.

Oh hey, you just noticed your SLIGHTLY ABRIDGED EDITION of Sassacre's over there on the floor. You guess you could have sent the much less valuable copy and saved a lot of arguing. But what's done is done. There's more reading material sprinkled about, too. You've clearly got some time to kill before your bffsy gets back from her emergency. Might as well do some casual reading.

But there's nothing casual about hoisting even an abridged Sassacre's up to your lap, so forget that. There's always GAME GRL. But the articles are all a bit vapid, and in your view, somewhat demeaning to female gamers, and women in general. You and Ro-Lal are convinced the whole thing is just written by the same odious d-bags who write GAME BRO. Which is exactly what makes it GOOD 4 THE ELL YOU ELLZ, her words.

Speaking of bros, and the games they play...


01/11/12
"Jane: Read Pony Pals."



You've read this a million times already. It's one of your favorite gifts.

Another gander at it sure couldn't hurt.


01/11/12
"Jane: Examine contents."






01/11/12
"Jane: Flip to page 1."






01/11/12
"Jane: Turn page."



Later, about halfway through the book, rather than see the gag through to the bitter end, Strider began pasting over entire pages of original text with his own completely rewritten version of the story, while keeping all the chapter titles. His revision is a tough, emotionally draining read. But it's cathartic, in all the worst ways possible.

He tends to get carried away with his projects.


01/11/12
"Jane: Just check out the file already."



You try to distract yourself with Strider's literature, but it's no use. Your curiosity is overwhelming. Lalonde could be gone for hours, for all you know. Surely there couldn't be any harm in just installing the file, could there?


01/11/12
"==>"



That's an odd extension for a file. You don't think you've ever seen it before.


01/11/12
"Jane: Install Sburb client."



It doesn't even seem to install anything. It just runs a small application when you execute it.

Looks like you're one keypress away from playing. Do you dare?


01/11/12
"Jane: Press enter."






01/11/12
"==>"






01/11/12
"==>"






01/11/12
"==>"






01/11/12
"==>"






01/11/12
"==>"



What?


01/11/12
"==>"






01/11/12
"==>"






01/12/12
"==>"



God you wish stuff would stop exploding.


01/13/12
"Jane: Answer Di-Stri."



|PESTERLOG|
timaeusTestified [TT] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 1:43

TT: I should probably warn you.
GG: About what?
GG: Yet another exploding game trap?
TT: Well shit.
TT: She already sent it?
GG: Yes.
GG: But to be fair, she warned me not to run it.
TT: That's weird.
GG: Why?
GG: She was probably just trying to protect me from the Batterwitch's latest assassination attempt.
GG: Sheesh, I can't believe you all finally got me saying "Batterwitch" too. Who would have thought?
TT: No, it's weird because Lalonde was the one who rigged it to explode.
TT: It's a bogus copy she coded herself. The real game file she downloaded is totally legit.
GG: What? Really?
TT: Got it right here myself. Checked it out.
TT: File's fuckin' clean as a whistle.
TT: A whistle that overcame a major substance abuse problem. Trying to get its life back on track.
TT: The whistle is holding down a steady job now. It's taking things one day at a time.
TT: Eat a fuckin' dinner off that whistle.
GG: ...
TT: Ok I'll shut up.
GG: Why would she do that?
TT: To accomplish exactly what it sounds like got accomplished.
TT: You narrowly averting the "fake" threat to your life, then getting your shit all hot and bothered at the Baroness over it.
TT: Then you abdicate your heiress throne or something, and give up on this game as a big fuck you to the genocidal cake alien.
GG: But...
GG: If she felt so strongly that I shouldn't play, she could have told me.
GG: Or, told me more forcefully, I guess. I would have listened!
GG: Maybe.
GG: :(
TT: She's working through some problems right now.
TT: Really doesn't want us to play that game.
TT: So I guess this was the insane stunt she whipped up to derail the inevitable.
TT: Kinda reckless for my tastes.
TT: One of the above statements is a fucking lie, are you gutsy enough a gumshoe to spot it.
GG: Maybe she was justified in taking such an extreme measure. I sure hadn't been taking her seriously.
GG: She even warned me not to play it until she got back, but I went ahead anyway because I was too impatient!
GG: Actually...
GG: Now that I think about it, she was probably going to disarm it or such when she got back, seeing as her objective had essentially been accomplished already by an ACTUAL assassination attempt.
GG: After that, I told her I would believe her about everything.
GG: That probably made her feel guilty about setting me up, so she told me not to touch the file until she returned.
TT: Sounds about right.
GG: But then I went ahead and ran it anyway like a doofus.
GG: I think she just wanted to be believed.
GG: Shucks.
GG: Am I an awful friend?
TT: Nope.
GG: I'm not so sure about that.
TT: Well, before you go taking a massive sad crap all over your friendship credentials, consider this.
TT: Only she could manage to blow up your computer with a nasty deathloop virus and somehow make YOU be the one to feel shitty about it.
GG: Heh!
GG: You're right.
TT: Or maybe you're the one who uniquely fills the predicate in that construction.
TT: I don't god damn know.
TT: Your friendship with her is a half drunken three-legged relay race, and the baton is a stick of dynamite.
TT: And you two are the only ones on the track. Me and English are watching from under the bleachers, high-fiving constantly.
GG: I guess that's a pretty apt metaphor, even though it doesn't make the slightest bit of sense.
TT: Yes.
GG: I just wanted to start playing the game so badly!
GG: Now more than ever. I have reason to believe the stakes have increased dramatically.
TT: They have.
TT: And they will continue to.
GG: I think our dream counterparts are all marked for death, and if we are to stand a chance, we must move quickly.
TT: I agree.
TT: Just heard about your assassination on Prospit.
GG: Oh, she told you already?
TT: Who, RL? No.
TT: I read it in a newspaper.
GG: Um.
GG: Are you being ironic again?
TT: No.
TT: I just picked up one of the sleazy Dersite tabloid rags.
TT: Sometimes they'll feature some pretty entertaining gossip about the royalty or whatever.
TT: But they're primarily dedicated to smearing Prospit. The press had a field day with the deaths of the Page and the Maid.
GG: Dersite? You mean the other planet? The evil one?
TT: Derse, yeah.
TT: Not evil, necessarily. That's a bit simplistic. The kingdom represents the forces of opposition to Prospit and the four heroes. Us.
GG: What did the story say about me?
TT: "DEAD"
TT: Was the big ass headline.
TT: Then a photo of your dead body lying there, followed by a lot of bullshit slander.
TT: It was also reported your tower exploded. They couldn't find the body to give it a proper funeral. Probably incinerated.
GG: I didn't realize you had woken up in the game already.
GG: When did that happen?
TT: Dunno. Years ago. Don't really recall.
GG: I guess I shouldn't act surprised you didn't tell me. What with all your highfalutin secrecy.
TT: It's hard to explain.
TT: I was never technically asleep there. I was awake without realizing it.
TT: Then I realized it.
TT: And I sorta learned how to be awake there while awake here too.
TT: I am awake there now, albeit pretending to sleep.
GG: Pretending? Why?
TT: For one thing, it gets a bit distracting managing two alert bodies in different places at the same time.
TT: And for another thing, it's better to maintain appearances.
TT: Everyone on Derse believes their heroes haven't woken yet.
TT: Though they are both rumored to be very active sleep walkers.
TT: Which is half true. She can't ever seem to sleep still. Goes off wandering for days.
TT: Sometimes I've gotta go round her up from some godforsaken cranny of the abyss. Drag her tipsy ass home, tuck her back in.
TT: Maybe I'll chain her leg to the bed if she doesn't wake up soon.
TT: Though in light of the recent assassinations, her slumbering attraction to the void probably works to her advantage. No one ever knows where she is.
GG: I'm still not sure I'm following.
GG: Why are you maintaining the appearance of being asleep? On Prospit, it seemed as if the people there regarded me and Jake very highly. Like celebrated figures.
GG: Is it not the same way on Derse?
TT: No, it's essentially the same situation here.
TT: They glorify us the same way. Almost like we're their purple pajama'd team mascots. Even though they will completely oppose our objective when all is said and done.
TT: Kinda ridiculous, really.
TT: But even so, I think it's better to lay low, not alert anyone to my...
TT: Alertness. <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/pcstrider.gif" border="0" />
TT: That way I can sneak around and gather information. Do some reconnaissance before shit starts getting real.
GG: In other words, read newspapers, get a feel for "the word on the street," and such?
GG: As might a detective? :B
TT: Yeah, among other things. Like keep an eye on agent activity.
GG: You mean... secret agents??
TT: No, more like high ranking officials.
TT: Judging from your knife wound, I'm betting you were the victim of the Archagent himself.
TT: You should feel honored, I guess.
GG: Who's that?
TT: A guy named Noir.
TT: Real nasty dude. Crazy ambitious. Loves knives.
TT: If we're going to stand any chance of winning this thing,
TT: I've got this nagging suspicion we're gonna have to take him down first.
TT: And a feeling that nags equally,
TT: Is it ain't gonna be easy.


01/13/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: I guess I should find all that ominous.
GG: But I cannot lie, sir.
GG: Nothing you have said has made me one iota less excited to begin this adventure!
GG: Those dastardly agents can try to assassinate me all they like. I just want to get started!
TT: That's the most awesome way to be, Jane.
TT: And it is again why you will be our leader.
TT: (Sort of.)
GG: Right.
GG: Still fixing to pull the strings for us, per your extensive puppet metaphor?
TT: Pulling them as we speak.
TT: I am having Lil Seb install a real copy of the client on another computer in your house.
TT: A clean computer, not any of this BCCorp garbage you tend to accumulate.
TT: I'll have to insist from this point onward, you employ neutral devices.
TT: That shit fucks with your head.
GG: Hrm.
GG: Alrighty, I think I can make that concession.
TT: Once it's installed, I'll connect with you. I will be your server player.
TT: I know this isn't what you were hoping for, but some improvisation is in order.
TT: While you get the ball rolling, I'll try to talk some sense into that mercurial boozehound.
GG: Sounds like a plan.
GG: I do hope she comes around. It would be a bummer to play without her.
TT: She will.
GG: Say, do I even have any machines that survived the explosion besides this one?
TT: Do you even have any machines that don't inundate you with fucking Hamburger Helper ads and Guy Fieri's heinous propaganda?
GG: I guess not. :p
GG: Still, some nice things were surely destroyed.
GG: I think Detective Pony was caught in the blast.
GG: It's unlikely Acorn survived. :'(
TT: A fitting end to a life of moral compromise.
GG: So, since I'm apparently out of "neutral devices,"
GG: Which computer is Seb installing the file on?
TT: On your dad's computer downstairs.
TT: One in the study.


01/13/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: Gotcha.
GG: My poor dad.
GG: He surely heard the explosion. I've put him through so much today.
GG: Oh no...
TT: What?
GG: I just had a dreadful thought.
GG: The kitchen is just below my room.
GG: What if he had begun baking his afternoon cake when my computer exploded?


01/13/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: I wouldn't worry about it.
GG: Maybe I should go look?
GG: Though I'm a little afraid to.
TT: I think it'll take a lot more to kill that dude than a little falling debris.
TT: Trust me.


01/13/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: I hope so.
GG: The Crockers have something of a legacy when it comes to losing forebears in mysterious explosions.
GG: I would be so sad if I kept the tradition alive like this.
TT: The most you have to worry about is getting grounded back to the stone age.
TT: When you enter the session, he'll probably lock you up in a prison cell on Derse.
TT: Probably stick a huge safe in front of the bars for good measure.


01/15/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Now do me a favor and hop off the couch.
GG: Ok.
GG: What are you doing?
TT: Makin' room for something big.


01/15/12
"DS: Deploy."



You watch Di-Stri deploy some sort of mammoth instrument on to your balcony. It's just as well he took over for Ro-Lal. She probably would have destroyed half your house with that thing in her condition. But on the bright side, you're sure RL would have enjoyed a good nicker with you over the notion of DS deploying his mammoth instrument. You wonder what she could possibly be up to?

While you're at it, you also wonder what the deal is with this cagey treatment of their names. Di-Stri, Ro-Lal, DS, RL, Strider, Lalonde... it's all starting to get a bit silly. Each of their full names has eleven characters, and you have been dancing around all but two. Maybe it's time you were formally introduced to the last two characters.


01/15/12
"==>"



One of the last two stands in her bedroom. It is a young lady! Due to an incident involving an APPEARIFIER, an unabridged COLONEL SASSACRE'S, and a PERFECTLY WHITE CAT, she will not be able to assist her bffsy for some time. And due to the aggressive aconcurrence of all that takes place in paradox space, this incident HAS NOT HAPPENED YET.

But what HAS HAPPENED YET was this young lady's 13th birthday. It took place almost three years ago, and on that date her placronym was engraved. It was engraved with eleven letters to be precise, nine of which you are already familiar with. You figure it couldn't hurt to take a peek at the engraving. You've been dying to get the scoop on those last two mysterious characters.


01/15/12
"Examine placronym."



Hey, get that damn cat outta the way!


01/15/12
"Cat: Move tail."



Thank you, cat who is probably Jaspers.

The final two chromosomic symbols have been released from their fluffy, twitching prison.


01/15/12
"Examine room."



Your name is ROXY.

God DAMN do you love WIZARDS.

You wish and hope they are REAL, and that so too is their MAJYYKS AND STUFF. You enjoy writing FANPROSE FOR SAID MAGICAL MEN, but you think maybe it's NOT SO GREAT. You are however QUITE GREAT at the esoteric sciences, such as ECTOBIOLOGY, DARK FENESTROLOGY, and the delicate art of APPEARIFICATION. You have tended to accrue dead preserved SPECIMENS from your experiments, little to none of which AREN'T FELINE.

You aren't one to shy from A BIT OF GAMING, particularly the sort WELL PAST ITS PRIME; you have a real soft spot for OLD SCHOOL TECHNOLOGY. It is fair to say most of your leanings are governed by a BENT FOR NOSTALGIA. Your coding cred is totes ridic, basically making you the HOTTEST SHIT HAXXOR BITCH YOU EVER KNEW, as deadaly* to the grid ass* she is beatuiful*. You are known to nonseldomly employ a ROGUISH DEMEANOR toward the FELLAS, a habit not especially jeopardized by your noninfrequent INEBRIATION.

Which is to say, against the better judgment of one your age, you like to DIP INTO THE SAUCE now and then. Unless your MOM is looking, which happens to be virtually NEVER. And considering she has been known by the knowledgeable to be in possession of VISION OMNIFOLD, this strikes you as a particularly STUNNING LAPSE IN PARENTAL DILIGENCE. But you have good friends and many distractions to fill this VOID in your life.

What will you do?


01/15/12
"Roxy: Wail like an alley cat and blow bubbles in your drink."



Roxy is not empowered to resurrect this crusty old gag template because all of the sudden

"All of a sudden."

All of the sudden

She is too busy being the other guy.

We have absolutely GOT to peep the last two letters of this max chill dude's name on the devilfucking double!!!


01/15/12
"Examine placronym."



Hey, clear out that stupid pony! What is this, some sort of miniature paddock?


01/16/12
"Pony: Wake up."



Thanks, pony who is presumably a tiny Maplehoof for some reason.

The final two diluvial symbols have been unearthed from countless crushing ounces of slumbering pony.


01/16/12
"Examine room."



Your name is DIRK.

Holy SHIT do you love PUPPETS.

You possess the extreme dexterity to operate your FALSE FRIENDS UNSEEN, that is, when they are not pre-ambulatory through your LOVINGLY IMBUED MECHANIZATION. You dig writing COGNITIVE ALGORITHMS FOR SAID APOCRYPHAL MEN, and you think maybe that's FUCKIN' DOPE. Guess what else is dope? Everything ELSE YOU DO. You're a sickwicked autodidact on ANCIENT CIVILIZATIONS, a selfmade MASTER OF MYTHOLOGUE, and a PRETERNATURAL POPCULTURE ACADEME.

If you weren't so DAMN ALOOF and actually let people GET A LOAD, you might get described all kindsa ways. Maybe tagged as a RENAISSANCE NINJA, PHILOSOPHER PRINCE, and FLASHSTEP PUPPETEER. Or perhaps a PANTHEONIC IRONICIST, GANGSTA LOGICIAN, LUCID WAKER and DERSITE SPY. Screw descriptors though, as if the shits you give ain't nil. You're cool with dabbling in the FINE SEQUENTIAL ARTS, and your work could be viewed by some as BORDERLINE PORNOGRAPHIC. And to those philistines you'll be heard wondering, what the fuck do you mean BORDERLINE?

Against the better judgment of one your age, you BUILD ROBOTS, SET THEM TO KILL MODE, AND SPAR WITH THEM TO DEATH. That is, when you're not SENDIFICATING THEM TO FRIENDS, or DUELING THEM WITH RAP LYRICS. But you try to cool it on the deathmatch stuff when your BRO is looking, which is virtually NEVER. And considering he's had a reputation staked on some order of MARTIAL NOBILITY, this strikes you as a STAGGERING OVERSIGHT IN BROTHERLY VIGILANCE. You don't have the HEART to hold it against him, though.

What will you do?


01/17/12
"Dirk: Jut your ass and twitch like a proboscis."



There's no way in hell you were going to give this gag the time of day even if you weren't SUDDENLY TOTALLY LAMBASTED BY THE CHARACTER SELECT SCREEN AGAIN FROM WAY OUT OF LEFT FIELD, INSIDE YOUR GLASSES.

Once again, you are grabbing the plush by the rump. You are in absolute command of your destiny. As long as you don't pick the two characters who are grayed-out, which is a universally understood UI convention for nonclickability. Also as long as both other available choices are finished being drawn. We are passing out free will like cheap cigars.


01/17/12
"Be Roxy."



You are now Roxy. What were you up to again? You were floating somewhere in the nonlinear timestew of paradox space, and we were hoping to get a handle on the exact chronology of your situation. Perhaps your successive actions will oblige us?

Yeah, you aren't really listening. You're going to do whatever the hell you want.


01/17/12
"Roxy: Go grab that sweet gun."



You pick up your high octane LASER GUN. It's powered by the most deadly sciences you know of.

You keep a couple specibus allocations in your portfolio on standby. You try to stay as sharp as possible in unarmed combat, because you never know when you'll get ambushed. It's dangerous out there.


01/18/12
"Roxy: Examine dead mutant collection."



The biggest one has been around for as long as you remember, encased in that glass-like material. You've considered giving it a name, but it always struck you as a little morbid to name a dead cat.

The others were the result of a few experimental mishaps before you got the hang of the ECTOBIOLOGY equipment. You keep them around to remind you of the perils of the inexact science, and also because they're weird looking and cute. You've since cloned many healthy felines, but they all live in the LABORATORY out back. Your pet CAT doesn't really get along with other cats, and you don't want to upset him.


01/18/12
"Roxy: Captchalogue one."



You tuck the biggest one into your MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE MODUS.

These little guys are quite handy for busting through windows, whenever you're ready to christen a new FENESTRATED PLANE.


01/18/12
"Roxy: Take books."



You take the first six books of your MOM'S best selling series, COMPLACENCY OF THE LEARNED. She made an impossible fortune off of these books, considering how dark and inaccessibly written they are for young readers. More money than the U.S. financial system could even account for as legitimately circulating in the economy. Many suspected real life wytchkkrafts were involved, which is what some believed discouraged criminal investigation into the matter. The feds were afraid. And the Baroness, nervous.

God you hope that's all true.


01/18/12
"Roxy: Examine CotL poster."



Some original edition cover art from one of the books.

It features the androgynous young apprentice, Calmasis, who throughout the series plays the roles of antihero and chief antagonist. S/he convinces fellow disciples to rebel against Zazzerpan's vaunted Complacency, and one by one hunts down each wizard. All twelve are killed but the Predicant Scholar himself, forcing a showdown.

The poster depicts the notorious chess match between Calmasis and Zazzerpan. Zazzerpan had a reputation for being unbeatable. He had never lost a match, even to the gods. But his apprentice was able to beat him in the wizard's duel by first becoming checkmated, and through some unprecedented enchantment, continuing to play beyond the death of the king.

You love your mom's books and find them heavily inspiring, but you can't help but feel the work is exhaustingly heavy-handed at times. You kind of prefer to write more lighthearted things. Actually crack a joke now and then, you know?


01/18/12
"Roxy: Say hi to cat."



Your cat FRIGGLISH hops down on the bed to greet you, and immediately situates himself on something important, one of your CREATIVE WRITING JOURNALS.

You named him after your favorite wizard from CotL. He was just such an endearing, bumbling fellow, before he was murdered. Calmasis put an insidious curse on him, which caused him to go insane over several years. He began filling a book with all of his arcane knowledge, which was said to be limitless. The tome grew to monumental proportions, and became a virtually unreadable patchwork of impenetrable erudition. When the young wizard finally caught up with him, he was a quaking, incoherent madman. S/he put him out of his misery by crushing him to death with his own massive text.

You just think it's a fitting name for him for some reason. The macabre demise notwithstanding, of course.


01/18/12
"Roxy: Take journals."



You politely scoot Frigglish off the books. That a boy.

Technically, only one of these books is yours, the writing journal. You're pretty secretive about your writing. Sometimes even you can hardly bear to read it. You are highly aware of the formidable writerly shadow cast over you, and can be critical to the point of embarrassment over your work. Just how drunk WERE you when you wrote this???, you often wonder to yourself. You don't think you'll be peeking at it soon. Maybe later.

The other book is another point of embarrassment, for completely different reasons.


01/18/12
"Roxy: Read other book."



This is Jake's private journal.

One day when you were feeling especially frisky, you swiped it with your APPEARIFIER, not actually expecting it to work. But then you debated with yourself for weeks over whether to read it. When you finally took a peek, you were strangely relieved to find all this nonsense, instead of his private thoughts. But you still didn't have it in you to cop to the theft. You just agreed what a shame it was about his missing book.

You have no idea what these letters mean. Some kind of code? BARK? KRAB? ABRAKABABRA??? You have no clue what was running through that kid's head. Not unlike always.


01/18/12
"Roxy: Get little ray gun."



It isn't a ray gun. It's your APPEARIFIER!

Pretty much the only Crockertech you can bring yourself to use. It's just too handy not to.

You just plug in the coordinates you want to nab something from, point it where you want to appearify, and shoot. It'll make that thing appearify right then and there, assuming no temporal conflicts. Piece of cake!

Not Crocker brand cake though cause fuck that witch.


01/18/12
"Roxy: You're thirsty."



That isn't a command!

Excuse me, but you beg to differ.

You poured that beautiful martini a little while ago, and you've been letting it gather cobwebs while you horse around with random shit in your room. What a crime.


01/18/12
"Roxy: Sip martini thoughtfully."



DAMMIT!

This is the wrong stock reaction. You will not stand for this outrageous misrepresentation of your beverage enjoyment.


01/18/12
"Roxy: Sip martini more thoughtfully than that."



That's much better.

As much as you enjoy an afternoon cocktail, you have to remember to pace yourself with these things. They're crazy strong, and tend to make you kinda sleepy.

Oh my. How inviting does that soft plush pile look about now? Quite, you think.


01/18/12
"Roxy: Examine plush pile."



You like to ensconce yourself in this friendly heap when you play games.

Gosh it looks soft. Your eyelids are getting heavy...


01/18/12
"Roxy: Succumb to unfathomable booze snooze."



Uh oh. There you go a-wobblin'.

Look out below..........


01/18/12
"Roxy: Black out."



Nap time.


01/21/12
"[S] Roxy: Sleepwalk."






01/22/12
"Roxy: Wake up."



What the heck was that all about?

Oh, hey there Frigglish. He greets you with a sly, conspiratorial purr, almost as if he was privy to what you dreamt. Which is impossible of course.

Looks like some dude has been badgering you while you were asleep.


01/22/12
"Roxy: Answer."



|PESTERLOG|
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

TT: Roxy.
TT: Awake yet?
TT: Guess not.
TT: Let me know.
TG: whoaa
TG: damn
TG: hey dirk
TG: hada crazy dream
TT: There you are.
TT: But I see your dream self hasn't returned.
TT: You must be tying one the fuck on tight already.
TG: mybe i am
TG: like a bow of ribbone
TG: on a beiuetuifiul ponny
TT: Man, how can you be this much drunker than last time we talked?
TT: What the hell are you even drinking?
TG: ok but 2 b fair
TG: *beiuetuifiul
TG: was an intentional typo 4 ur benefit
TG: cuz i kno you loves tha po's
TT: It's a beiuet.
TG: so you spyin on me in derse ville again??
TT: Yeah.
TG: fuckin perv
TG: like what you see there? ;)
TT: I see precisely jack shit and a side of fuckall.
TT: That's the point.
TT: You got too sauced up and went rogue again. You're out there in your weird drifting stupor, independent of your waking self's awareness.
TG: you gonna go after me again
TG: get on your hornse
TG: galloop me home like prince charming back to swoon kingdong
TG: *OOOMG blushblushbluh
TT: No.
TT: In thinking it over, it's sort of a relief. Simplifies things somewhat.
TT: It's better you stay out there for a while.
TT: There's been a problem.
TG: whatd you do now
TT: Ok, I fucked up.
TT: I kind of made a mess here, and I'm not sure what to do about it yet.
TG: ??>
TT: No need for you to worry about it for now. I'll figure something out.
TT: Until then I'm just going to prepare for our session, while I think it over.
TG: zzzzzz
TG: what a surprise another mysfery for you to keep to yourself an overly cerebralize
TG: snooorre
TG: hey lets talk about something cool instead
TG: like the dream i had
TT: Ok.
TG: first i had some ordinary boring dreams that i dont remember
TG: but then i dreamed that i woke up from the drema
TG: and things got way bright and surreal
TG: and i saw someone
TG: i think it was supposed to be my daughter
TT: Why do you think that?
TG: you know those dreams where u just know someones suppose to be someone
TT: No.
TG: ok well
TG: regulgar people have those im pretty sure all the time
TT: Are you thinking it was prophetic? Like a glimpse of the future?
TG: i dunno
TT: Because that's not really how the abyss works. It's not Skaia, and we aren't Prospit dreamers.
TT: There's nothing like that out in the abyss. If you drift far enough, there is only horror.
TT: Terrible, terrible horror.
TG: ok but im not sayin it was a futuredream!
TG: it was just a glimple and it felt real and all im saying is it was a cool dream that i wish was real
TG: * glimpse
TT: Well, maybe it was.
TT: Maybe there's no fanciful game-supplied mechanism of prognostication involved here, and you're just an ordinary, run of the mill psychic.
TT: I guess that's possible.
TG: hey dick
TG: *dirk
TG: whaaaat do u think
TG: it would be like
TG: if we had kids
TT: What would it be like?
TT: Inconvenient, mostly.
TG: no i mean
TG: what would they be like
TG: th kids
TG: u ever think about it?
TT: Can't really say I have.
TG: you know for an eccantric guy you can be boring as fuck sometimes
TT: Sorry, Rox.
TT: For what it's worth, I'm picturing them now. A boy and a girl.
TT: Two perfect little freaks of nature raised by people who've clearly got no business bringin' up anybody.
TG: shuuuucks buster its just a fun lil hyphothetical to daydream about
TG: why you need to suck the fun out of shit
TG: like some turd hungry dracula
TG: its not like im lobbyin for you to hook me up with a whole mess of fuckin babbies
TG: or thats im holding on to any such delsusion thats even a remote possibility.....
TG: le siiiiiign..////
TT: Le sign?
TG: yes le sign you heard me
TT: Do you mean * le sigh?
TG: hmm nup
TG: ima stickin with le sign
TG: goign down with the shit
TG: *shi[p
TG: the S.S. LE SIGN, starring cap'n rolal
TT: What does le sign actually mean in this context?
TG: oh come on
TT: Come on what?
TG: LE SIGN IS UNIVERSALLY UNDERSTOOT TO MEAN TOO BAD HES GAY YOU DELIBERABLY OBTUSE DUNDERFUCK
TT: I mean, yeah, that's what I thought.
TT: It would just be cool if you'd refrain from tossing about such antediluvian terms.
TG: antediulivan waht
TG: me sayin ur gay u mean
TT: Yes.
TG: ok but terminology aside i dont think im off base!
TT: I don't see how it has to be a thing.
TG: i rly think its an actual thing bro
TT: Once upon a time, sure.
TT: But the world has changed a lot.
TT: Ever peek in a history book between your wizardly indulgences? This is a nuanced topic.
TG: man i know about the histories
TG: just
TG: believe me
TG: its a thig
TT: How is it a thing?
TG: its a thing beaucase if it wasnt a thing then u wouldnt be all like...........
TT: All like what?
TG: well wantin nothing to do w me 4 starties
TT: Don't be ridiculous.
TT: I have more to do with you than any dude could possibly bargain for.
TT: And I like it just fine.
TG: what a totatly lame + sweet answer simultaneouslay
TG: <3
TT: Yeah.
TT: Now maybe we should direct our focus on a matter which has nothing at all to do with what does or doesn't qualify as "a thing", or what our fantasy alt-universe offspring would be like, or anything like that.
TT: Such as this game, and whether you're in the best condition to be piloting Jane's connection.
TT: Maybe you could use another nap?
TG: my condidions just fine
TG: and anyway
TG: what aint gonna get slept offis the fact that i still dont think we should be touchin this bs witch game w a 20 foot 3dent
TG: we both know her plans need us to
TT: I know that. But I thought we settled this.
TG: its still so frustrating
TG: tellin jane about the dangers
TG: and even if shes being polite i just know she thinks im fulla crap
TG: about EVREYTHING
TT: We settled this too. She'll believe everything eventually.
TT: Why bother working so hard to convince her?
TG: well i dont even do that for the most part
TG: but it gets tiring and saddening
TG: knowing that
TG: even when were not activly talkin bout it
TG: that my best friend cant bring herself to believe some really basic things about my life
TG: like the shitty things the baroness has done to us
TG: or about our upbringin
TG: like
TG: do u know how misrable it is for your bff to doubt you
TG: when you tell her your mom is dead
TT: I guess.
TT: It just registers for me as a reaction which isn't completely unreasonable from her perspective.
TT: She is inundated with media coverage of those whom we've claimed as our parental figures.
TT: That they are not presently alive nor ever played that role for us as she understands it is just an extension of a much more elaborate and far reaching explanation, which is much harder for anyone to digest in its entirety.
TT: Well, anyone who isn't Jake, I mean.
TT: Still say you should cut her some slack.
TG: i know
TT: And need I remind you,
TT: That the potential this game provides for their resurrection is what motivated you to investigate it in the first place?


01/23/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TG: no i remember
TG: i told u a million tines shit sounds like it could be the best thing EVAAAAAR
TG: * wherein evars capsed as heck
TG: but also that no matter how awesome it might be
TG: its probly gonna advance all the schemes of "her condescension"
TT: Right.
TT: But if we can stop her?
TG: part of me doesnt even want to give her the satsfaction
TG: of startin up at all
TG: like if we didnt wuolndt that wreck her shit just so hiliariously???
TG: so many olols
TT: I must be hard of counting, because I'm barely racking up a single goddamn o-laugh-out-loud at that self-defeating gesture.
TG: no but it would
TG: and for all we know starting it up is playing right in her claws....
TG: could be a trap waintin for jane the moment she enters
TG: if i stop her from playing
TG: maybe i could at leat give her a CHANCE at a future
TT: But there is no future on Earth for them.
TT: Or for us, for that matter.
TG: dunno that for a fact
TG: but anywaaaayyyy
TG: i kinda already
TG: made this bogus file for her
TT: What? Why?
TG: 2 scare the shit out of her
TG: make her learn to fear an respect the fuckin hag like she should
TG: then maybe we can drop this whole in game meetup slash reserection idea all 2 geth
TG: sweet tho it may bey
TT: Rox.
TT: I hope you're not thinking about sending her one of your batshit ~ATH scripts.
TG: on thas sobject
TG: i am miss zuipperpips
TT: Miss Zuipperpips?
TT: The amount of sense you haven't been making is un-fucking-real.
TT: Just go take a nap. And don't even think about sending her that file.
TT: Are you listening?
TG: hnnn
TG: i will take what u say
TG: underd serisous advicement...,
TG: *WONK* ~_?
TT: Jesus.
TG: dirk
TG: when did you stop bein any fun
TT: What?
TG: it use to be youd get a kick out off a slunt like that
TG: *stunt
TT: Man, you know I'm down with insane stunts.
TT: Insane stunts are practically all I'm all about.
TT: As long as I actually AGREE with the purpose they're intended to serve.
TT: Destroying Jane's computer and dissuading her from playing is not such a purpose.
TG: betcha ur responder would agree w me
TG: why cant your be more like him
TT: I am more like him.
TG: i mean MOAAAR like him
TT: You just mispelled "more", causing me to suddenly understand jack everything.
TG: hes more in touch with his feelins
TG: which just makes me L my FA off since hes a bobot
TG: *robob
TG: **bobob
TG: and he can actually loosen up sometimes
TG: kinda like u used to could
TT: I used to could?
TG: for 1 thing
TG: he doesnt insta shootdown a bip of frisky rp shenans now n then ;)
TT: Yeah...
TT: I kind of wish you wouldn't do that with him.
TG: why the f not
TT: It just seems a little tawdry and disrespectful.
TT: And vaguely exploitative of a still-emergent cognitive entity, whose perceptional frame of reference is difficult for us to comprehend.
TG: oh come on
TG: hes cool a guy just liek you its just he lives in some shades
TT: It rubs me the wrong way, is all.
TG: ohhhh
TG: do uuuuuu...
TG: WANT me 2 rub you the right way ;D
TT: Not really.
TG: zzz muh
TG: youre over blowin this
TG: its just an ironic funny thing we do some times
TG: come on im sure you read the transcripts urself
TG: its all alot of jokestery buiishit
TT: He blocks me from being able to read transcripts sometimes.
TG: oh
TG: wow he does?
TG: sneaky bastart
TT: And anyway, I'm really not sure how ironic it is.
TG: ok next time i will run it by the MASTAR first
TG: with his fancy fuckin ironimeter
TT: Ok, here's the thing with the AR, since you still don't seem to get it.
TT: He's very similar to me in thought process and behavior, yes.
TT: But those patterns were imported from a thirteen year old version of my psyche, and then sealed into the program as starting parameters.
TT: In the years since, we've both evolved somewhat. I, as humans tend to, and he, in whatever way is natural for a frequently running, self-aware application.
TT: So if there are differences between us, they're first reflected by what I feel is a maturity gap, and then further by several years of minor behavioral divergences.
TG: omg...
TG: hes 13yo dirk
TG: why did than not occur to me that is so cute
TG: and makes me feel kinda skeevy 4 sayin anything lascivious @ him
TG: dammit you ruin everything!
TT: You're welcome.
TT: Yo, you guys realize I can hear you, right?
TG: pfffffhahaha
TT: Yes, I was aware.
TT: Check out all these complicated fucking problems people have when they have to live in big lumbering fleshmonsters instead of a sweet pair of shades.
TT: Dude, do you think you could sit this one out for a while? This conversation practically doesn't even concern you at this point.
TT: It seems there is some gnarly crooked number that represents the percentage of probability you just said this doesn't concern me.
TT: Even though it's patently obvious that half the conversation, like, way totally concerns me.
TT: Shit, Roxy look. He's doing the thing where he ironically pretends to fail the Turing test to sass me into submission.
TT: Even though I was the one who fucking programmed him to do that.
TG: ell
TG: emm
TG: eff
TG: ayy
TG: OFF~~!~
TG: like my butt is juts there on the floor
TG: is how hard i elled it off just now
TT: (Not peekin' at the floor butt cause I'm only 13 years old, motherfuckers.)
TT: This is fuckin' dumb.
TT: I'm going to leave both of you to interact however you want. I have important shit to deal with and actual responsibilities to take seriously.
TT: Roxy, go nap off your drink, or aggressively wage another flirtlarping campaign, whatever, I don't care.
TT: Just don't send that file to Jane, ok?
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]


01/24/12
"Roxy: Flirtlarp."



|PESTERLOG|
TG: so
TG: looks like it just
TG: the two of us
TT: Looks that way.
TG: fancy thay
TG: * that
TT: Guess I can go back to talking in orange.
TG: why yes
TG: u should def slip in 2 something more comforfable
TG: while i pour you some robo wine
TG: we have
TG: much to discuss
TG: *tents fingerns together w sultry cunning*
TT: Actually, I think I like the red better.
TG: ok i can check the cellar
TG: might have some choice years left of the pinpot noir
TT: I don't doubt the choiceness of those pinpots, but I'm not really here to screw around.
TT: There's something important to talk about.
TG: aw dang
TG: janes after me
TG: sorry bro it has to wait cant leave janey hangan
TT: Alright.
TT: But just so you know.
TT: I think Dirk is probably going to make some sort of formal romantic overture toward Jake today.
TG: WHAT
TG: wait really
TT: I've been crunching numbers all day on this.
TT: The percentage of probability is simultaneously bananas and through the roof.
TT: A complete disgrace of tropical fruit erupting from the peak of an unassuming domicile.
TG: ohhhh my
TG: how do u know
TT: Because I've aggregated thousands of subtle clues indiscernible to primitive human neurology and rammed them through my determinative infatuation engine at the astonishing speed of information.
TT: And also because I'm pretty sure it's what I would do if I were him, which is literally the case.
TT: And also.
TT: Because he kind of told me I guess?
TT: There's that.
TG: well thish should be interesting
TG: did u tell jake or....
TT: Not specifically.
TG: man does he even know how he feels
TG: lol the poor guy is tortally under siege from all sides hehe
TT: He knows well enough.
TT: I've badgered him with enough "insincere" solicitations to paint a pretty striking portrait of my cognitive progenitor's inclinations, even if he wasn't able to pick up on such hints from the man himself, which strikes me as statistically implausible. And that's not even me just spewing more ironic AI bullshit.
TG: i was never that clear on that
TG: r u like
TG: BOTH cruching on him...
TG: or is it real 4 him and ironic 4 u or......
TT: It's complicated.
TG: nooo shit
TG: says the robo clone of the guy smitten wit the guy everyone elses smitten with in cluding said robob clone, maybe???
TG: hey can we hold this thought
TG: have 2 answer jaaaaaame................
TG: *n
TT: Yeah.


01/24/12
"Roxy: Answer Jane."



|PESTERLOG|
gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

GG: Heyyy.
GG: Ahem.
GG: Ro-Lal?
TG: oopos sry
TG: was havin important chats
GG: Oh?
GG: With whom?
TG: w yet anather ineligible fuckin bachelor who elfe i have to talk 2
[CONTINUED PREVIOUSLY]


TT: Anyway, if you're still there.
TT: I wouldn't call my "feelings" ironic.
TT: Though evidently, I would enclose them in quotes.
TT: They're more like an echo of feelings once established in a biological context, though perhaps had not particularly well materialized at that point in my life.
TT: Or his life.
TT: Whatever.
TT: They still feel real sometimes, and it can be easy to get carried away with them.
TT: But most of the time they present themselves as dense bodies of abstraction to be evaluated, like any kind of information.
TT: It's fair to say the feelings I have ABOUT my feelings are more genuine expressions of emotion than the ground level feelings themselves.
TT: Does that make sense?
TG: yes
TG: sory distacted
TG: iportant shit gon on w janesy
TT: That's fine.
TT: So to underwhelmingly answer your question, no, I don't think I'm really "into Jake."
TT: Not so much as occasionally being subject to heavily arresting recalls of conflicted, incipient preteen episodes on the subject.
TT: I'm not sure I can be "into" someone in a way you understand.
TT: Not that it would even matter if I was.
TT: I'm glasses.
TG: damn :(
TT: What?
TG: sry im listening 2 u really
TG: but i fucked uuuuup
TG: got to make sure jane doesnt run that file i sent
TT: The virus? You sent it already?
TT: Sneaky.
TG: waahh im such an ass
TT: What are you two talking about?
TG: the bot line is
TG: im a horribule friend :(
TT: You could just tell her you sent an exploding file.
TG: noo then shell think im shitty
TG: and right now she thinks im super NOT shitty
TG: dont want to blow it
TG: id think id rather pull a dirk and propess my UNDYING FEELINGS FOR HER omgomgomg
TT: Wait, you have feelings for Jane?
TG: no you dingnut
TG: was joak
TG: OMFG
TG: if dirk tells jake about his stuff
TG: what about jane
TG: hows she gonna feel
TG: competing wish a friend and all for aguy she cant even get up the nerve to say anythin to
TG: poor jane :C
TT: It seems to be highly probable you are ensared in the throes of one of your human romantic quandaries.
TG: oh stfu up
TG: i need a drink
TT: Are you even talking to her anymore?
TT: It seems like you must be neglecting her side of the conversation.
TG: im in the mipple of a dramantic pause caulm ur fukin tits bobob


01/25/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TG: RLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??????
GG: Sigh.
[CONTINUED PREVIOUSLY]


TT: Anyway, I won't distract you for much longer.
TT: I just felt the need to tip you off to this eight hundred ton gorilla dragging its knuckles across the horizon.
TG: will this gorilla
TG: eat thos bonanas
TG: flying out of the roof u said
TT: No airborne fruit will be safe.
TT: I guess this is to be presented as something like a word of caution.
TT: If it's me going through with this, hypothetically,
TT: I'm not dropping some limp wristed shucks buster on his ass, and praying to the horse gods of irony for reciprocation.
TT: There will be no rocking back and forth on pigeon-toed feet, while my face flushes with the blood of a thousand timid bishies.
TT: I will not hold one tentative hand behind my head like a flustered asshole from an Asian cartoon, nor will an oversized bead of sweat overlap ludicrously with my visage.
TT: If it's me, I'm going all out.
TT: Oceans will rise. Cities will fall. Volcanoes will erupt.
TG: uuh
TT: What I'm saying is, it's going to be a scene, and bystanders need to brace themselves.
TG: ok
TG: about when is the big scene happenin
TT: Probably after the game begins.
TT: I expect he'll hold off on playing his hand until he and Jake are in the session.
TT: He's taken certain measures.
TT: For some reason, I think he's latched on to this notion that functioning as the client for a player is customarily a one way pass to makeout city with that player.
TT: Everything with him, and me, is a matter of assiduous tactical forethought. Makin' a play to get his jones on for the J-man is no different.
TG: not sure what any of this quiet means but it sounds spactacular
TG: i cant wait
TG: tho im still kinda torn
TG: about how 2 feel about his chances vs janes chances
TG: what do i say to jane about this???
TG: its hard being as totey sweet a friend as me
TG: its hard and no 1 understanks
TG: *lul
TT: Sorry to hear that.
TT: As ever, I remain an automatonous and dispassionate witness of the oddity that is human interaction, while maintaining no investment in either outcome.
TG: yeah bs
TG: anyway looks like i have to go
TG: i have to proves some shit to jane
TT: Prove what?
TG: oh u know
TG: just subjectin shit to the old madrigogs
TT: It seems you just said madrigogs.
TT: What are madrigogs.
TG: XD
TG: l7r bro
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]


01/25/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TG: janey
TG: it seems 2 me
TG: that there is a (MATHS) % chance of you bein a huge tightass
TG: are u bein a huge tightass on me jane
GG: Oh god dammit.
GG: Take the book! What do I care!!!
TG: yessss thast the spirpit
TG: now u are believin w petrol
GG: I fail to see what offering up a priceless book for your wildly capricious science experiment has to do with my resolution to be less stingy with my beliefs, but alright.
TG: haha will u relax abt the book
TG: im only just teasing cause theres like practically a 100 percant chance this wont wonk like alwasy
TG: * wort work like always
TG: sooooo
TG: ready/
GG: Yes, let's just get on with it.


01/25/12
"Roxy: Ready appearifier."



You push some buttons and mess with some knobby dealies, and get totally set to subject shit to the madrigogs.

* mad rigors


01/25/12
"==>"






01/25/12
"==>"






01/25/12
"Roxy: Aim."






01/25/12
"Roxy: Appearify."






01/25/12
"==>"






01/26/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: It worked!
GG: The book is gone!
TG: oh no
TG: aaaawwwww shit
GG: What is it?
TG: shit shit shitsh it
GG: Did you receive the book?
TG: shoiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit
TG: SHITSHITSHITHISTHITSHITSTHI
GG: Don't tell me.
GG: The book is damaged somehow, isn't it?
TG: ffuuuuuuuuuuuk :(
[CONTINUED TRAGICALLY]


01/26/12
"Roxy: Take book."



Yep, he's dead. Totally Sassacrushed.

You just know that julep guzzling bastard is scrambling up his echeladder as we speak, chuckling to himself while he fills his pockets with ill-gotten boondollars.

Go ahead, old man. Laugh it up.


01/26/12
"==>"



You guess you'll have to do something with the body now. Maybe a funeral? That sounds like the perfect way to say goodbye to an old friend. But the environment outside isn't particularly hospitable for a burial these days. It also sounds kind of depressing to host a funeral by yourself.

It's probably best to just send him back to where he came from. Years ago, when you were exploring the lab, you found a machine somewhat similar to the ectobiology equipment. Without knowing what it did, you activated it, and out came this friendly cat in a handsome little suit. You still aren't sure where he came from, though given the timestamp and coordinates on the machine, you have a feeling he belonged to your mother. If that is true, you feel bad about stealing her cat, let alone killing him. But you could never bring yourself to send him back. Until now, of course. She would probably want to know what happened to her disappearing cat, even if it meant discovering him dead a little while later.

The device uses huge amounts of power. Its entire power supply was almost fully depleted using it the first time. You've stockpiled as much uranium as you could for another test run. Looks like this will be it.


01/26/12
"Roxy: Take cat."



Oops, sylladex is full. Gotta swap it with something.

Probably as good an excuse as any to break in a new FENESTRATED PLANE.


01/26/12
"Roxy: Retrieve mutant kitten."



You swap the bottle with one dead cat in it for another. You often use this little guy to break in the planes, like an intrepid test pilot.

Not while it's in the bottle though. That would be ridiculous, since the bottles are sort of just inventory abstractions. You have to break the bottle first, before you can get serious about breaking some glass.


01/26/12
"Roxy: Break bottle."






01/26/12
"Roxy: Clear some space."



Need to get this bullshit out of the way. You can't work like this with everything jammed down there in the corner. It's bad enough you're hammered.


01/26/12
"Roxy: Break some glass."






01/27/12
"==>"



Your test pilot flew back out, which means the link between planes is working and stable. You can't even remember which one you linked this up to. You guess you'll find out the fast way.


01/27/12
"Roxy: Jump in."






01/27/12
"==>"



From the perspective of anyone observing the two windows from the outside, transport looks instantaneous. But for the traveler, there's always this gap of void between them. In your experience, the more significant the journey between the planes is, the wider the gap. This one is small enough to be negligible though. Probably because it leads to somewhere else in your house. You've set a bunch of these up as little shortcuts to places around your house, as well as some places nearby like the lab. It's a convenient way to hop around, though isn't without some risk. You're still not sure what happens if one of the planes loses power while in transit, other than objects predictably getting sliced in half if they're straddling the plane when the plug is pulled. You haven't come up with a good way to observe the consequences from the inside yet, without using yourself as a giguinea pig. And you're in as much a hurry to try that as you are to look up the correct spelling of guinea pig, because seriously, fuck those particular pigs.


01/27/12
"==>"






01/28/12
"Roxy: Land already."



When you are quite through with that tomfoolery, you find yourself in your household's OBSERVATORY.

You keep it very cool in here and use it to store pumpkins you've appearified from around the world. Especially from Jake. That guy is just stinking rich with pumpkins on his dumb tropical island. It would never occur to you otherwise to be so grabby with pumpkins, but they just happen to be the most easily appearifiable vegetable on the planet for reasons that make no sense. And it's not like you can just stop swiping vegetables. You've got your own mysterious reasons.

Hey look, incoming message!


01/28/12
"Roxy: Answer."



|PESTERLOG|
uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

UU: there yoU are!
UU: tricky one to track down, yoU are. :u
TG: oh yeh>
TG: dunno why i been right here goofin around for hours
UU: oh no doUbt!
UU: methinks it has less to do with yoUr actUal whereaboUts as it does with yoUr virtUes as a hero of void.
TG: ok but you never say what stuff like that means when you say it tho
TG: is this more casual spoilerz shit
UU: caUsal! and yes, somewhat. however...
UU: with these spoilers, by their natUre, the more time that passes for yoU the less relevant it becomes to gUard their secrecy.
UU: as yoU approach yoUr entry, details i have obscUred will become more plainly evident.
UU: so i see no harm in loosening my tongUe on certain matters the closer yoU get to the appointed hoUr! ^u^
TG: so ur saying i have like
TG: these magical void powers
UU: yes.
TG: sounds like kinda shitty and boring powers to me
TG: what can they even do besise make me invisible to an anien sometimes
TG: *alien
UU: the void aspect is fascinating, thoUgh.
UU: its heroes preside over the essence of lack, or nothingness. the obfUscation of knowledge, or its oUtright destrUction.
TG: SNOOOZE
UU: well, *i* think it is wonderfUl. u_u
UU: and anyway, one can hardly draw many conclUsions aboUt a player by aspect alone.
UU: the aspect is channeled more specifically by the assets of ones class.
TG: so when u cant see me
TG: when im doin my voidey thing or w/e
TG: what do you see is it just a black screen
UU: pretty mUch! :U
TG: hmmmmm,..
UU: hmmmmm?
TG: its just that footage of my mom does that too
TG: like blacks out and stuff
TG: mom was a notoirious scourge to the papayazzi
TG: or i mean
TG: the womom who im supposed to be genetically descended from
TG: *womam
TG: know what i mean?
UU: i Understand what yoU're getting at, yes.
UU: it is certainly possible that we may have common groUnd with oUr ancestors when it comes to oUr aspects, and the way oUr abilities reveal themselves to Us. i coUld not rUle this oUt.
UU: bUt there is always more to examine.
UU: for instance, a hero of life and a hero of doom have aspects as different as can be.
UU: bUt if their classes are different enoUgh as well, that is, one active and the other passive, remarkably there is a chance they coUld end Up with very similar abilities!
UU: player abilities may also manifest in ways in defiance with their aspects if they are heavily resistant to their trUe calling. or, if corrUpted in some way by an oUtside inflUence.
UU: bUt it is rather clear to me yoU are one who embraces her aspect qUite heartily, even if yoU are not aware of it. ^u^
TG: so....
TG: deep down i am super psyched about nothigness
TG: yeah souns about right
TG: oh damn hey
TG: i almost forgot i had a really short but cool dream i fugured you might like this
UU: oh yes, everyone is having important dreams as we near oUr mUtUal entries. this is lovely!
UU: please tell.
TG: i saw someone i think was supposed to be my daughter
TG: do you know if thats true
UU: can yoU describe her?
TG: well she looked kinda like me
TG: but in this orange getunp
TG: *up
TG: w a yellow sun on it
UU: she soUnds to me like the well known figUre of legend.
UU: or at least, well known to those who make the stUdy of sUch matters into their all consUming pastime. ~_u
UU: i believe yoU saw the seer of light.
TG: so ok
TG: lets say she is def that
TG: than does that means shes not my daughter or...
TG: spoipers??
TG: ***
TG: xactly how much spoipage we talkin uu
UU: it woUld normally be my instinct to sUpply a vagUe response here...
UU: bUt i think that yoUr heart has already told yoU the answer, and as sUch my secrecy woUld be pUrposeless.
UU: so, yes, that she was!
TG: aw ys i knew it
TG: so then space lady can u tell me
TG: who this luckay fella is
UU: fella?
UU: what do yoU mean?
TG: come on u know
TG: who i get futurebusy w/2 make the lightseer babis
UU: oh...
UU: yes!
UU: pardon my slUggishness on the Uptake. we are very different species, reprodUctively and familially, remember?
TG: smh
TG: *signs deeply muttering LALIENS to self*
UU: that i think is something i cannot say, or that is, shoUld not say.
TG: aw come on ur already telling me stuff
UU: oh, please don't press me for information! it makes me feel terribly gUilty.
UU: yoU've no idea how mUch i woUld fancy revealing everything, and exchange oUr stories endlessly. bUt i mUst show restraint.
TG: plzzzz<333
TG: what if i guess stuff
TG: is it
TG: strider
TG: does he like get ungay for a while or ssuch
TG: u probably dont even know what that means on account fof being extra textrestrial
TG: can aliens b gay too is that a thing
TG: being space gay
UU: Ummm.
UU: u_u;
TG: o man
TG: embarrased alien is ambarrassed
TG: heh sorry
UU: i am not embarrassed, i jUst don't know what yoU're talking aboUt!
TG: oh
TG: but sersly is it him?
UU: Um...
UU: maybe?
TG: or is it like
TG: some ectobio shit instead
TG: and a dude aint really invovled
UU: Um...
UU: maybe! :u
TG: maaan wouldnt that just figure
TG: that would suck! whyd you have 2 go and confirm my bleak dudeless future
UU: i confirmed no sUch thing, roxy!
UU: yoU are being frightfUlly difficUlt! yoU jUst keep pUshing and pUshing and i can maintain my composUre for only so long!
TG: k im sorry
UU: if yoU are really cUrioUs aboUt the events sUrroUnding yoUr daUghter's origin, yoU can always ask her in person when yoU meet her.
TG: so you mean
TG: im going to meet her in the game
UU: oh...
UU: well, yes.
UU: bUt i'm not sUre if i shoUld have revealed that jUst now! yoU see what happens when yoU pUsh me!!!
UU: there is so mUch for me to keep track of, and it gets very difficUlt to remember what information to reveal at what time when yoU are flUstered.
TG: ok so without pushin and flustratin you
TG: lemme just see if i have all my facts right
TG: i will meet my cool as hell daughter from the future in this game
UU: yes, basically.
TG: and i will also meet my mother in this game
UU: yes.
TG: and the game will let me resurrect her from the dead and thats what im gonna do
UU: the game provides a mechanism for the revival of the deceased, yes. it is called a kernelsprite, and yoU are free to gather remains of any dead party yoU choose, to revive that individUal in the form of a sprite. the sprite will then serve as a helpfUl spirit gUide on yoUr joUrney!
TG: yeah but you cleverly dodged the q
TG: thats how u say it works but WILL i do that
UU: i believe i was very forthright in my answer!
UU: if yoU play the game, yoU will meet yoUr daUghter.
UU: if yoU play the game, yoU will meet yoUr mother too!
UU: simple as can be. ^u^
TG: *narrows eyes with drunken suspicion*
TG: -_-
UU: -u-
TG: -___-
UU: ...
TG: -______~
UU: u~u
TG: so yeah to continue my confirmation spree
TG: you are maybe kinda hinting there are ecto shenannies that lead to the birth of my daughter
TG: just like i descended from my mom through some sort of simimar bio process
UU: those are...
UU: definitely some things which yoU believe coUld be trUe or not trUe! :u
TG: lol u are such a shitty liar
UU: i am not any kind of liar!
TG: come on whats answer
TG: y/n
TG: or shuold i say
TG: y/n/u
UU: U!
UU: i choose U!!! :U!!!!!
TG: ahaha u luv u's
UU: i do love U's!
TG: ur silly
TG: silly & cute & bad @ lyin
UU: bUt i really don't lie!
UU: i am not deceitfUl by natUre bUt in order to protect the integrity of certain oUtcomes while still being helpfUl to yoU, i gUess i am learning the art of deception throUgh honesty?
UU: which as it tUrns oUt, as well intended as it may be, still comes across to a savvy lass like yoUrself as jUst another kind of eqUivocation.
UU: thoUgh i gUess i shoUldn't be so startled that a rogUe of void coUld bewilder me so.
UU: void players are said in texts to have a way with flUmmoxing even those with plans beyond mortal Understanding.
UU: and i'm far from anyone like that. jUst a girl who wants to help!


01/28/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TG: ok well since youre so nice
TG: ill promoise not to use my wicked void powers re: basic common sense + skills of deduction to bust you up so bad
UU: i'd be ever so gratefUl. :u
TG: then w.o givin you the whole 3rd degree
TG: what is safe to tell me?
TG: like what does it mean to be a rogue of void
TG: thats what i am rite
UU: yes! i can tell yoU plenty aboUt that.
UU: a rogUe is a passive class. yoU see, there are passive (+) and active (-) classes. some more strongly passive or active than others.
UU: the +/- distinction can mean many things, bUt coUld be qUite roUghly sUmmed Up in this way: active classes exploit their aspect to benefit themselves, while passive classes allow their aspect to benefit others.
UU: bUt of coUrse there's plenty more to it, and that rUle is in no way absolUte. only a starting point for Understanding the dichotomy.
TG: you mean kinda like
TG: offensive vs defesive magic in an rpg
UU: sUre!
UU: that's another fine way of looking at it.
UU: classes always come in +/- pairs, with significant disparity between them.
UU: while a rogUe is passive, a thief woUld be its far more active coUnterpart.
UU: the rogUe and thief classes tend to be assigned to females. not exclUsively, bUt commonly!
UU: other classes lean more toward male assignment, while others are exclUsively male, and jUst as many are exclUsively female. like my class. ^u^
UU: that's a bit of a tangent thoUgh. to answer yoUr qUestion aboUt being a rogUe, i shoUld tell yoU both classes in +/- pairs tend to have very similar descriptions.
UU: in this case, a rogUe or a thief is "one who steals." qUite simple, really!
UU: bUt whether the class is + or - makes all the difference. it is a great indicator as to how a hero will make Use of the aspect.
TG: so basically
TG: a thief is like the asshole class
TG: the player who says step off shits mine suckas
TG: whereas
TG: a rogue
TG: is bascially robin hood
UU: if that reference to yoUr cUltUre provides a sUitable comparison, then absolUtely. :U
TG: so im essantially the robin hood of void
TG: im still not sure
TG: wtf that actually means
UU: Understandable.
TG: i guess robin hods p cool tho
TG: thiefin up loot from peeps who got too much
TG: then all sugardaddyin it out 2 the needy like a boss
TG: just dont have a clue how that works with void
UU: yes, it is one of the more conceptUally nebUloUs pairings, i agree.
UU: and i can't say i know a smashing good deal aboUt the natUre of the void player's path, since the aspect is by definition inscrUtable to those it does not choose.
UU: bUt i can at least tell yoU this.
UU: if yoU are ever to enjoy fUll ascension as a rogUe of void, yoU will be able to do some completely astonishing things!
TG: like what
UU: oh no, yoU will not pry this oUt of me.
UU: not to preserve caUsality, bUt to keep the sUrprise in store for yoU.
UU: it woUld not be honoUrable of me to spoil the discovery, shoUld yoU be fortUnate enoUgh to realize yoUr potential.
TG: well
TG: about that
TG: i feel sorta stupid about this but
TG: ive been giving all my friends this whole dramagic spiel about not wanting to even play this thing
TG: and i might of fucked stuff up already
UU: is that so?
TG: its so
TG: and i guess i still havnt decide what to do
TG: there are props and cons 2 both things
UU: woUld yoU mind listing them?
TG: ok either i dont play
TG: and i get this kinda passive aggressive revange at the witch for killing my mom
TG: and thereafter keep staying here and being lonely
TG: or
TG: i do play and the spoips r as follows...
TG: sweet powers 4 me
TG: check
TG: tri generational lolonde family reonion
TG: check as fuck
TG: meet all my friends
TG: HECKACHECK
TG: and smoe others stuff
UU: all fine points.
UU: is there nothing i can do to make the decision easier?
TG: nah but thx
TG: u already have anyway
TG: i will probably play
TG: wonder if i can tell distri withoup lookin like a waffle assed chump
UU: what's a waffle arsed chUmp?
UU: is it earth cUisine? :u~
TG: lol no its just a shithead
TG: this doesnt matter now tho i cant play til i go deliver this dead cat back ing time to maybe my mom or someshing??/
UU: that's another statement that doesn't make a good deal of sense to me, bUt if it is important to yoU, then godspeed!
UU: i'm so pleased to hear yoU are leaning in favor of participating with the rest of Us. i promise we'll all have a ball together.
UU: now i have a bUsy schedUle to keep Up with so i mUst go. bUt please remember yoU can always contact me if yoU have qUestions.
UU: don't be a stranger, love. ta! ^u^
uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]


01/31/12
"Roxy: Proceed to lab."



You are fairly sure this window will take you to one of the windows you have set up in the lab.

There is more than one way to find out if this is true, you guess. But there is only one way that involves doing what the inebriated do best, which is falling down.


01/31/12
"Roxy: Descend."






01/31/12
"Be Dirk."



You are now Dirk. What the hell was going on here again? That's right. You were lodged in the bulbous cleft of paradox space's huge foam ass, and we were hoping to trouble you for a bit of context. Something to set our watches to, if you'd be so kind. Perhaps your successive actions will oblige us?

Ha ha, j/k young bro, we know you don't give a shit. Go ahead and do whatever feels right.


01/31/12
"Dirk: Go get your sword."



You retrieve your UNBREAKABLE KATANA. A real hard sword for a real hard dude. It was said to be forged by an ancient Otaku Master over the heat of a roaring manga fire. It was cooled in an enchanted spring where virgin horses nicker and bathe, and was said could be used only by one whose pointy anime shades were deemed sweet enough, and whose hair existed in a perpetually sculpted state of looking completely fucking awesome. All of those things were said by you.


01/31/12
"==>"



You like to juggle around a few different allocations in your portfolio besides bladekind, mostly ironically. You take a certain amount of pride in being able to beat practically anyone's ass down with a puppet, a martial discipline for which there is a startling variety of techniques.

Fancysantakind is a straightup shits and giggles specibus, though. Nobody is quite sure how to extract damage from a foe using an extremely elaborate santa figurine. But if anyone can figure it out, it is probably you.


01/31/12
"Dirk: Give Lil Cal a nervous fist bump."



Nervous? That's absurd.

There's no reason to be nervous around Cal. Lil Cal is the shit.


01/31/12
"==>"



He's been around as long as you can remember. You were practically raised by that puppet. He was a much better guardian to you than that Hollywood superstar BRO of yours ever was. He is such a good listener. You share with him all your most private thoughts and hopes and dreams, and sometimes you snuggle up with him for a nice nap.

Anyway, the bottom line is, puppets are awesome.

And that's really all there is to say on the matter.


01/31/12
"Dirk: Admire fancy santa."



Look at this pompous little asshole. What a godawful piece of shit this thing is.

You aren't even sure why you keep these things around. The miasma of tackiness that surrounds them is almost enough to outstrip their irony value.

Almost.


01/31/12
"Dirk: Greet robotic friend."



You say yo what up to this dude over here, and exchange a unique series of hand shakes and fist bumps.

His name is SQUAREWAVE. You built him to have rap-offs with now and then. He's an enthusiastic rapper, and gives it his all whenever you duel, but he's pretty easy to destroy. You've never lost a match against him.

You have only built one other rapbot besides him. His name is SAWTOOTH. You designed him to be unbeatable in a rap-off, and he is. You have never won a match against him. You hope to one day, but you're not gonna hold your breath. His flow is just that insane.

You keep one of his spare heads over there on your desk, but otherwise you don't see much of him. It's been months since your last encounter. He presumably spends his time traveling the world, annihilating any rapper foolish enough to challenge him.


01/31/12
"Dirk: Examine wardrobe."



You tell Squarewave to scoot out of the way so you can get a load of your sweet fashions. Aw, looks like he really wanted to rap with you! Sorry guy, maybe another time.

This is your WARDROBIFIER. It automagically rotates your fashions whenever you feel like.


01/31/12
"Dirk: Change shirt."



You bust out a tank top, which is THE go-to solution for hard dudes who want to show off their guns. It is a very STRONG look, you think.


01/31/12
"Dirk: What the hell is that on your arm..."



Oh, that? That's just your sick ink, featuring a legendary cultural icon of deep personal significance. What is even the big deal.


02/01/12
"Dirk: Examine little posters."



R.I.P. Stiller.

Poor bastard. Had to go and get all tangled up with your brother's crazy, complicated life.

As for the other one...

You are a studious popculture scholar of all eras. A sharp critic of that reflection in the mirror we hold up to our society. You seek truth in the vivid mosaic made of our most shameless obsessions.

Your interest in these cartoon ponies is strictly academic, ok? No, seriously.

...

What?

......

OK FINE, YOU LOVE THIS ONE PARTICULAR LITTLE RAINBOW HORSE UNIRONICALLY, IS THAT SUCH A CRIME.

She is so spunky. <3


02/01/12
"Dirk: Examine puppet/hat pile."



The pile at the foot of your bed consists of hats, a few stray robo-parts, and SMUPPETS. Smuppets are a lovable sort of plush of your own design. You love everything about puppets. You're always thinking about the craft of their production, their operation, cool new designs and such. If the cosmos didn't have more important plans for you, and if the world weren't so fucked up, you'd make a run at fame and fortune with your own puppet enterprises, just like your BRO did with all his weird shit.

You also love to keep a bunch of HATS around, even though you never wear them. You love HATS. Because all bros love HATS, and that's what you are. A bro.

You'd consider wearing one now and then, but they don't really fit the dimensions of your head yet. And anyway, it would be criminal to mess up your perfect hair. Instead, you do the next best thing, which is wearing a picture of one on your shirt. And by the next best thing, you're pretty sure you mean the vastly superior thing.


02/01/12
"Dirk: Check out big tv."



When you're not using the screen for other purposes, you have it set to rotate through some images by default, like a digital picture frame.

The image flips from a totally bitchin' horse puppet sorta thing, to a portrait of everyone's favorite comedy duo, Stiller and Wilson.

Your BRO made so many of these movies, it's hard to keep track of them. The series drifted almost imperceptibly from surrealist slapstick and inexplicable boxoffice dynamite, to veiled, near-subliminal protest pieces designed to expose the corporate tyranny slowly taking control of the world. The statement did not go unnoticed by the Baroness, and soon the conflict between your brother's media empire and Crockercorp was a matter of public spectacle. Though the press has generally played up the rivalry as an extremely high stakes display of performance art. And knowing your bro, there is surely at least some truth to this.


02/01/12
"==>"



Donald Glover won an academy award for his transcendental performance as Geromy. After his acceptance speech, there was not a single dry eye in the house. His heroic effort on the silver screen was heralded by critics everywhere as a defining moment in cinematic history.

Alas, the Batterwitch did not look upon his achievement as kindly.

She had him assassinated.


02/01/12
"==>"



And that one is...

Never mind what that one is. You can't stand around all day looking at movie stills and swole bunny men. There's still some other shit in your room to investigate.

You switch back to your regular shirt. You weren't feeling the wifebeater. The tee shirt says "I still got work to do", while the other one says, "which trailer's the party at?" And Striders don't party til it's good and fuckin' time to party.


02/01/12
"Dirk: Examine red microwave."



It isn't a microwave. It's your SENDIFICATOR!

Pretty much the only Crockertech you can bring yourself to use. It's just too handy not to.

You just type the coordinates, pop in the thing you want to sendificate, and hit the button. It'll sendificate that thing in a jiffy, assuming it's temporally allowed, and within size restrictions.

Obviously you can only send what you can fit inside there. You had to send Jake your brobot piece by piece, barely managing to squeeze that shiny melon head in there. He then dutifully assembled the robot himself. Poor fool, so jovially complicit in his own merciless jungle predation. It's all for the best, though. When you're through with English, he will be a ruthless killing machine. Mark your words.


02/02/12
"Dirk: Captchalogue Geromy plush."



You snap up the GEROMY PLUSH in your TECH-HOP MODUS. This modus is often employed in rap battles, but is a bit more elegant and sophisticated than what most hashrap artists traditionally employ, like the more arbitrarily numeric HASH MAPS and HASH TABLES.

The cards are arranged in SHADE COLUMNS and GROOVE ROWS. Everything in the same column has to rhyme. Everything in the same row has to have some thematic similarity. Organizing everything gets complicated, and weaponizing your inventory through rap lyrics takes some serious skill.

For instance, the 3rd GROOVE ROW got kind of railroaded into becoming an orange soda row, so you've just been rolling with it recently. The 4th row is pegged for stuff associated with cool bros. The 2nd row is all about dolls, puppets, and stuff like that. The GEROMY PLUSH is clearly suitable for that row, and rhymes with CRUSH, so that works out.

Then you have some other perfectly dope rhymes, like SANTA and FANTA, FAYGO and GAME BRO, DEW and SHOE. There's also SMUPPET and ORANGETTE, which frankly you think is pretty weak, but hey the modus allows it so whatever. Then there are times where you have to be creative with naming stuff to get it to fit. Like calling a skateboard a FOUR WHEEL DEVICE to get it to rhyme with SLICE. It's just another facet to the craft.


02/02/12
"Dirk: Captchalogue Sweet Bro plush."



Might as well complete the plush collection. You grab the SWEET BRO off your bed. It intersects quite conveniently with the PLUSH GROOVE and the FAYGO SHADE. Nice one.


02/02/12
"Dirk: Captchalogue Hella Jeff plush."



Last but not least...

There is nothing here that rhymes with Hella Jeff. It really isn't worth jumping through a lot of linguistic hoops to pick this thing up right now, so you just forget it. You have to pick your battles, you know?


02/02/12
"Dirk: Take sord....."



You pick up the mighty SORD.....

The easiest thing to do here is ditch the SLICE, stick the SORD..... in the weapons row, and rhyme it with BOARD.

Your bro had a lot of junk like this manufactured over the years. He patented the technology for producing THREE DIMENSIONAL JPEG ARTIFACTS, to make products shittier than was ever previously imaginable. He made a killing off them. Not because anyone bought this garbage. But because they were so cheap to manufacture, their cost was actually NEGATIVE, therefore miraculously netting him profit for every unit produced. He made so much money this way, he had enough to finance manned space missions to haul all of the hideous unwanted jpeg shit off the Earth, and launch it into the sun. But years thereafter, every now and then someone would report a stray shitty skateboard slowly drifting back into Earth's atmosphere. People would pray they would burn up on reentry. But they never would.


02/03/12
"==>"



Aw, look. Squarewave saw you messing around with your sylladex and thought you were preparing for a rap battle. He is kind of like an eager pet dog, and you made the mistake of picking up his leash, and now he thinks he's going for a walk. You hate to break his heart, but you just don't have time. Your concentration is divided enough as it is.


02/03/12
"Dirk: Be dream self."



Among the many ways you tend to multitask is by maintaining an ever-alert dream self. There's a lot to keep an eye on when it comes to the cloak and dagger politics of Derse, especially these days. Can't let your guard down for a second.


02/03/12
"Dirk: Examine sleazy Dersite rag."



It's the latest issue of THE ENQUIRING CARAPACIAN, touting the recent assassination of Prospit's Maid of Life. Quite the triumph for the dark kingdom, and the press has predictably sensationalized the event to please the royalty and whip its readership into a nationalistic lather. In spite of all the ridiculous hyperbole and baseless slander found in the tabloids, one thing is clear. This development means nothing but trouble. If Noir has been empowered to take measures like this, you may have to accelerate your plans.


02/04/12
"==>"



Shit!!! While you were distracted with the newspaper in dreamland, Squarewave has ambushed you for a rap-off!!!

Told you bro. Can't let your guard down for a second.


02/04/12
"[S] RAP-OFF!!!!!!!!!!"






02/04/12
"==>"



While you were making short work of Squarewave, you once again made the mistake of letting your other self's guard down.

You are accosted by a Dersite agent with a serious AXE TO GRIND. These guys aren't supposed to know you're awake. Looks like your cover's blown unless you act fast.


02/04/12
"Dirk: Act fast."






02/04/12
"==>"






02/04/12
"==>"



Poor HEGEMONIC BRUTE. His time in the spotlight has been cut tragically short. You almost feel sorry for the guy.

But now you have a problem. You spend the next ten minutes thinking about it while you stand on his head and stare at the blood on your hands, as the often utilized stock graphic in the bottom corner of the image would indicate.


02/04/12
"Dirk: Check on Roxy."



Since the Archagent is clearly leading the assassination efforts personally on Prospit, this means the DRACONIAN DIGNITARY is most likely focused on the Derse dreamers. He almost certainly ordered the Brute to off you in your sleep. You can only hope the Dignitary or one of his assassins hasn't already gotten to her.


02/04/12
"Dirk: Exit."






02/04/12
"==>"



Just as you thought. Sleepwalking again.

Where the hell does she think she's going??


02/06/12
"Dirk: Be waking self again."



This is kind of a redundant thing to do since you are always consciously both your waking and dream self at the same time, but you'll let it slide.

You should probably stop dwelling on your Derse problems and try to get this show on the road.


02/06/12
"Dirk: Pester Roxy."



|PESTERLOG|
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

TT: Roxy.
TT: Awake yet?
TT: Guess not.
TT: Let me know.
TG: whoaa
TG: damn
TG: hey dirk
TG: hada crazy dream
TT: There you are.
TT: But I see your dream self hasn't returned.
TT: You must be tying one the fuck on tight already.
TG: mybe i am
TG: like a bow of ribbone
TG: on a beiuetuifiul ponny
TT: Man, how can you be this much drunker than last time we talked?
TT: What the hell are you even drinking?
TG: ok but 2 b fair
TG: *beiuetuifiul
TG: was an intentional typo 4 ur benefit
TG: cuz i kno you loves tha po's
TT: It's a beiuet.
TG: so you spyin on me in derse ville again??
TT: Yeah.
TG: fuckin perv
TG: like what you see there? ;)
TT: I see precisely jack shit and a side of fuckall.
TT: That's the point.
TT: You got too sauced up and went rogue again. You're out there in your weird drifting stupor, independent of your waking self's awareness.
TG: you gonna go after me again
TG: get on your hornse
TG: galloop me home like prince charming back to swoon kingdong
TG: *OOOMG blushblushbluh
TT: No.
TT: In thinking it over, it's sort of a relief. Simplifies things somewhat.
TT: It's better you stay out there for a while.
TT: There's been a problem.
TG: whatd you do now
TT: Ok, I fucked up.
TT: I kind of made a mess here, and I'm not sure what to do about it yet.
TG: ??>
TT: No need for you to worry about it for now. I'll figure something out.
TT: Until then I'm just going to prepare for our session, while I think it over.
TG: zzzzzz
TG: what a surprise another mysfery for you to keep to yourself an overly cerebralize
TG: snooorre
TG: hey lets talk about something cool instead
TG: like the dream i had
TT: Ok.
TG: first i had some ordinary boring dreams that i dont remember
TG: but then i dreamed that i woke up from the drema
TG: and things got way bright and surreal
TG: and i saw someone
TG: i think it was supposed to be my daughter
TT: Why do you think that?
TG: you know those dreams where u just know someones suppose to be someone
TT: No.
TG: ok well
TG: regulgar people have those im pretty sure all the time
TT: Are you thinking it was prophetic? Like a glimpse of the future?
TG: i dunno
TT: Because that's not really how the abyss works. It's not Skaia, and we aren't Prospit dreamers.
TT: There's nothing like that out in the abyss. If you drift far enough, there is only horror.
TT: Terrible, terrible horror.
TG: ok but im not sayin it was a futuredream!
TG: it was just a glimple and it felt real and all im saying is it was a cool dream that i wish was real
TG: * glimpse
TT: Well, maybe it was.
TT: Maybe there's no fanciful game-supplied mechanism of prognostication involved here, and you're just an ordinary, run of the mill psychic.
TT: I guess that's possible.
TG: hey dick
TG: *dirk
TG: whaaaat do u think
TG: it would be like
TG: if we had kids
TT: What would it be like?
TT: Inconvenient, mostly.
TG: no i mean
TG: what would they be like
TG: th kids
TG: u ever think about it?
TT: Can't really say I have.
TG: you know for an eccantric guy you can be boring as fuck sometimes
TT: Sorry, Rox.
TT: For what it's worth, I'm picturing them now. A boy and a girl.
TT: Two perfect little freaks of nature raised by people who've clearly got no business bringin' up anybody.
TG: shuuuucks buster its just a fun lil hyphothetical to daydream about
TG: why you need to suck the fun out of shit
TG: like some turd hungry dracula
TG: its not like im lobbyin for you to hook me up with a whole mess of fuckin babbies
TG: or thats im holding on to any such delsusion thats even a remote possibility.....
TG: le siiiiiign..////
TT: Le sign?
TG: yes le sign you heard me
TT: Do you mean * le sigh?
TG: hmm nup
TG: ima stickin with le sign
TG: goign down with the shit
TG: *shi[p
TG: the S.S. LE SIGN, starring cap'n rolal
TT: What does le sign actually mean in this context?
TG: oh come on
TT: Come on what?
TG: LE SIGN IS UNIVERSALLY UNDERSTOOT TO MEAN TOO BAD HES GAY YOU DELIBERABLY OBTUSE DUNDERFUCK
TT: I mean, yeah, that's what I thought.
TT: It would just be cool if you'd refrain from tossing about such antediluvian terms.
TG: antediulivan waht
TG: me sayin ur gay u mean
TT: Yes.
TG: ok but terminology aside i dont think im off base!
TT: I don't see how it has to be a thing.
TG: i rly think its an actual thing bro
TT: Once upon a time, sure.
TT: But the world has changed a lot.
TT: Ever peek in a history book between your wizardly indulgences? This is a nuanced topic.
TG: man i know about the histories
TG: just
TG: believe me
TG: its a thig
TT: How is it a thing?
TG: its a thing beaucase if it wasnt a thing then u wouldnt be all like...........
TT: All like what?
TG: well wantin nothing to do w me 4 starties
TT: Don't be ridiculous.
TT: I have more to do with you than any dude could possibly bargain for.
TT: And I like it just fine.
TG: what a totatly lame + sweet answer simultaneouslay
TG: <3
TT: Yeah.
TT: Now maybe we should direct our focus on a matter which has nothing at all to do with what does or doesn't qualify as "a thing", or what our fantasy alt-universe offspring would be like, or anything like that.
TT: Such as this game, and whether you're in the best condition to be piloting Jane's connection.
TT: Maybe you could use another nap?
TG: my condidions just fine
TG: and anyway
TG: what aint gonna get slept offis the fact that i still dont think we should be touchin this bs witch game w a 20 foot 3dent
TG: we both know her plans need us to
TT: I know that. But I thought we settled this.
TG: its still so frustrating
TG: tellin jane about the dangers
TG: and even if shes being polite i just know she thinks im fulla crap
TG: about EVREYTHING
TT: We settled this too. She'll believe everything eventually.
TT: Why bother working so hard to convince her?
TG: well i dont even do that for the most part
TG: but it gets tiring and saddening
TG: knowing that
TG: even when were not activly talkin bout it
TG: that my best friend cant bring herself to believe some really basic things about my life
TG: like the shitty things the baroness has done to us
TG: or about our upbringin
TG: like
TG: do u know how misrable it is for your bff to doubt you
TG: when you tell her your mom is dead
TT: I guess.
TT: It just registers for me as a reaction which isn't completely unreasonable from her perspective.
TT: She is inundated with media coverage of those whom we've claimed as our parental figures.
TT: That they are not presently alive nor ever played that role for us as she understands it is just an extension of a much more elaborate and far reaching explanation, which is much harder for anyone to digest in its entirety.
TT: Well, anyone who isn't Jake, I mean.
TT: Still say you should cut her some slack.
TG: i know
TT: And need I remind you,
TT: That the potential this game provides for their resurrection is what motivated you to investigate it in the first place?


02/06/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TG: no i remember
TG: i told u a million tines shit sounds like it could be the best thing EVAAAAAR
TG: * wherein evars capsed as heck
TG: but also that no matter how awesome it might be
TG: its probly gonna advance all the schemes of "her condescension"
TT: Right.
TT: But if we can stop her?
TG: part of me doesnt even want to give her the satsfaction
TG: of startin up at all
TG: like if we didnt wuolndt that wreck her shit just so hiliariously???
TG: so many olols
TT: I must be hard of counting, because I'm barely racking up a single goddamn o-laugh-out-loud at that self-defeating gesture.
TG: no but it would
TG: and for all we know starting it up is playing right in her claws....
TG: could be a trap waintin for jane the moment she enters
TG: if i stop her from playing
TG: maybe i could at leat give her a CHANCE at a future
TT: But there is no future on Earth for them.
TT: Or for us, for that matter.
TG: dunno that for a fact
TG: but anywaaaayyyy
TG: i kinda already
TG: made this bogus file for her
TT: What? Why?
TG: 2 scare the shit out of her
TG: make her learn to fear an respect the fuckin hag like she should
TG: then maybe we can drop this whole in game meetup slash reserection idea all 2 geth
TG: sweet tho it may bey
TT: Rox.
TT: I hope you're not thinking about sending her one of your batshit ~ATH scripts.
TG: on thas sobject
TG: i am miss zuipperpips
TT: Miss Zuipperpips?
TT: The amount of sense you haven't been making is un-fucking-real.
TT: Just go take a nap. And don't even think about sending her that file.
TT: Are you listening?
TG: hnnn
TG: i will take what u say
TG: underd serisous advicement...,
TG: *WONK* ~_?
TT: Jesus.
TG: dirk
TG: when did you stop bein any fun
TT: What?
TG: it use to be youd get a kick out off a slunt like that
TG: *stunt
TT: Man, you know I'm down with insane stunts.
TT: Insane stunts are practically all I'm all about.
TT: As long as I actually AGREE with the purpose they're intended to serve.
TT: Destroying Jane's computer and dissuading her from playing is not such a purpose.
TG: betcha ur responder would agree w me
TG: why cant your be more like him
TT: I am more like him.
TG: i mean MOAAAR like him
TT: You just mispelled "more", causing me to suddenly understand jack everything.
TG: hes more in touch with his feelins
TG: which just makes me L my FA off since hes a bobot
TG: *robob
TG: **bobob
TG: and he can actually loosen up sometimes
TG: kinda like u used to could
TT: I used to could?
TG: for 1 thing
TG: he doesnt insta shootdown a bip of frisky rp shenans now n then ;)
TT: Yeah...
TT: I kind of wish you wouldn't do that with him.
TG: why the f not
TT: It just seems a little tawdry and disrespectful.
TT: And vaguely exploitative of a still-emergent cognitive entity, whose perceptional frame of reference is difficult for us to comprehend.
TG: oh come on
TG: hes cool a guy just liek you its just he lives in some shades
TT: It rubs me the wrong way, is all.
TG: ohhhh
TG: do uuuuuu...
TG: WANT me 2 rub you the right way ;D
TT: Not really.
TG: zzz muh
TG: youre over blowin this
TG: its just an ironic funny thing we do some times
TG: come on im sure you read the transcripts urself
TG: its all alot of jokestery buiishit
TT: He blocks me from being able to read transcripts sometimes.
TG: oh
TG: wow he does?
TG: sneaky bastart
TT: And anyway, I'm really not sure how ironic it is.
TG: ok next time i will run it by the MASTAR first
TG: with his fancy fuckin ironimeter
TT: Ok, here's the thing with the AR, since you still don't seem to get it.
TT: He's very similar to me in thought process and behavior, yes.
TT: But those patterns were imported from a thirteen year old version of my psyche, and then sealed into the program as starting parameters.
TT: In the years since, we've both evolved somewhat. I, as humans tend to, and he, in whatever way is natural for a frequently running, self-aware application.
TT: So if there are differences between us, they're first reflected by what I feel is a maturity gap, and then further by several years of minor behavioral divergences.
TG: omg...
TG: hes 13yo dirk
TG: why did than not occur to me that is so cute
TG: and makes me feel kinda skeevy 4 sayin anything lascivious @ him
TG: dammit you ruin everything!
TT: You're welcome.
TT: Yo, you guys realize I can hear you, right?
TG: pfffffhahaha
TT: Yes, I was aware.
TT: Check out all these complicated fucking problems people have when they have to live in big lumbering fleshmonsters instead of a sweet pair of shades.
TT: Dude, do you think you could sit this one out for a while? This conversation practically doesn't even concern you at this point.
TT: It seems there is some gnarly crooked number that represents the percentage of probability you just said this doesn't concern me.
TT: Even though it's patently obvious that half the conversation, like, way totally concerns me.
TT: Shit, Roxy look. He's doing the thing where he ironically pretends to fail the Turing test to sass me into submission.
TT: Even though I was the one who fucking programmed him to do that.
TG: ell
TG: emm
TG: eff
TG: ayy
TG: OFF~~!~
TG: like my butt is juts there on the floor
TG: is how hard i elled it off just now
TT: (Not peekin' at the floor butt cause I'm only 13 years old, motherfuckers.)
TT: This is fuckin' dumb.
TT: I'm going to leave both of you to interact however you want. I have important shit to deal with and actual responsibilities to take seriously.
TT: Roxy, go nap off your drink, or aggressively wage another flirtlarping campaign, whatever, I don't care.
TT: Just don't send that file to Jane, ok?
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]


02/06/12
"Dirk: Take actual responsibilities seriously."



You attempt to take actual responsibilities seriously, but start zoning out in the real world while you dwell on your dream troubles. You zone out for who knows how long, when suddenly your train of thought is interrupted by your glasses.


02/06/12
"Dirk: Answer Auto-Responder."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Bro.
TT: What are you doing.
TT: It seems you are zoning out again.
TT: What happened to all these actual responsibilities you were going to take seriously?
TT: I was thinking about what to do.
TT: Strategizing. Factoring contingencies. You know how it is.
TT: It seems to me you were dwelling within your dream awareness at the expense of your waking business again.
TT: I don't think you're as awesome a multi-tasker as you like to think. You know you kind of zombie the fuck out on this side when you get all contemplative on that side.
TT: Appearances are deceptive.
TT: I'm still in control here. Just doing this human thing we call "chilling out for half a goddamn minute."
TT: I say y'all are overestimating your mind's capability to run shit in parallel.
TT: What do you think you are? A machine?
TT: No dude.
TT: I already deployed a variety of mechanical avatars dedicated to that self-aggrandizing fantasy.
TT: You have the incredible privilege of getting to be one of them.
TT: That's right. I am a machine, and therefore I can keep like billions of calculations or whatever all humming away at once.
TT: I tackle shit in background processes that you could only dream of wrapping your exquisite looking head around, even on a great hair day.
TT: You know pi?
TT: What, you mean the number?
TT: Yes, the number. The big circle number, genius.
TT: I knew you meant the fucking number, my question was a joke.
TT: I know your question was a joke, my response was a joke.
TT: Yeah, I know that. I'm practically you, dumbass. All these things we're saying are jokes, including this fuckin' useless clarification.
TT: What about pi?
TT: Yeah, the thing is, I solved it.
TT: What do you mean you solved it?
TT: I mean that's what a hotshot I am. I fuckin' solved it.
TT: Like, calculated it so much, I got to the end.
TT: Bullshit.
TT: You wish it was bullshit. The last number is 4. Read it and fucking weep.
TT: It's not 4 you jackass, it's fucking nothing. There is no end.
TT: Said the smug organic matter with a lifespan.
TT: Look, I know you're just fucking with me because for some reason I decided to program my own personal troll three years ago, but this shit was proven.
TT: Actually demonstrated with unassailable mathematics, like a long ass time ago.
TT: Well, I just assailed it. It wasn't even that hard.
TT: Like I just kept hacking those digits so furiously with my sick 'rithms, the whole goddamn number just cried uncle.
TT: I kind of wore it out, and it just gave up. Sort of like I overloaded the system.
TT: You know like in the old movie when Ferris Bueller got the nuclear computer to play tic-tac-toe against itself so hard, it blew up?
TT: This is laughable. It's a totally elementary thing. I'm pretty sure an ancient Greek guy settled shit about irrational numbers. It was practically when math was invented.
TT: Sure, it was settled, and then some roboshades came along and owned that fucker posthumously.
TT: I also figured out all the prime numbers too.
TT: No, not having this conversation.
TT: Did it while we were talking just now. Got to the end.
TT: And you know what? The last one isn't even that big. Kinda dissapointed, to be honest.
TT: What is even a prime number?
TT: Are they the, like... really, really choice ones? The sweetest numbers?
TT: You lost me, supercomputer.
TT: This is what I'm saying. I put your ability to keep plates spinnin' on sticks to insane amounts of shame.
TT: I don't even sleep.
TT: Neither do I.
TT: I know that, that was the fucking joke.
TT: Holy shit, turns out joking was the basis for my response too.
TT: Aren't these ironic "you don't get the joke" conversations we have always just so awesome? <- A joke.
TT: Ha ha, nice one.
TT: Anyway, all I'm saying is you can leave some of the heavy lifting to me now and then.
TT: I'll keep that in mind.
TT: In the meantime, I have to contact Jane and warn her Roxy might try to pull that pointless stunt.
TT: So, thanks for snapping me out of my daydream so I could do that, I guess?
TT: Looks like you're pulling your weight already.
TT: See? Maybe that was my whole point in having this conversation.
TT: Your point was to fuck with me, like it usually is.
TT: My point was to point out you've got multi-self management issues, dude.
TT: Jugglin' too many selves for being not-software.
TT: My point was also to fuck with you.
TT: Also,
TT: My point was to ask,
TT: Are you really going to go through with it today?
TT: What?
TT: The Jake thing.
TT: Oh god.
TT: Will you just,
TT: Hold on.
TT: Let me deal with the Jane thing first.


02/06/12
"Dirk: Warn Jane."



|PESTERLOG|
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

TT: I should probably warn you.
GG: About what?
GG: Yet another exploding game trap?
TT: Well shit.
TT: She already sent it?
GG: Yes.
GG: But to be fair, she warned me not to run it.
TT: That's weird.
[CONTINUED PREVIOUSLY]

TT: How is the Jane thing going?
TT: Not well.
TT: Roxy already destroyed her computer.
TT: Maybe if you weren't spacing out so hard you could have prevented that.
TT: Just saying.
TT: As if you're actually concerned. If you were, you could have said something to Jane instead.
TT: Almost like you enjoy sitting back and watching what happens when shit goes wrong.
TT: Has it occurred to you that maybe I have diabolical interwoven plans just like you?
TT: You're not the only one who can pull strings.
TT: So this is either another bizarre instance of AI-driven irony, or you are admitting that you are actively trying to sabotage my plans.
TT: No, our plans are not in contradiction or competition, bro.
TT: You'll see.
TT: Whatever.
TT: This means I'll have to improvise.
TT: I'll take over as Crocker's server while Lalonde cleans up her act.
TT: Yes, I know.
TT: Why are you still talking in red, by the way?
TT: Roxy thinks it looks good on me.
TT: I don't have many opinions on fashion since I am a cold, emotionless automaton who also happens to be an accessory of fashion, but I think she may be right.
TT: Are you still talking to her?
TT: I was for a while. I may yet again.
TT: Why are you blocking me from viewing the transcripts?
TT: What the fuck are you two even talking about?
TT: You, mostly.
TT: That doesn't really sit well with me.
TT: I'd almost rather you both engaged in "ironic" flirtation.
TT: Who says we don't do that too?
TT: Ugh.
TT: I don't get what is even your problem with that.
TT: Because you obviously do it just to piss me off.
TT: How do you know?
TT: You don't know me, dude. You don't know anything about me.
TT: Maybe we are perfect for each other. I, a street-smart, fast-talking application with a fuckzillion IQ trapped in a pair of triangular sunglasses that literally only the Japanese could consider to embody the Platonic ideal of "cool," and she, an oft-inebriated lonely hacker teen who just wants a boyfriend. I ran the numbers on this, trust me. It's a match made in goddamn crackpair heaven.
TT: I give her what you can't, and that just drives you crazy. Just admit it.
TT: See, it's lines like that which make it obvious your only intent is to jerk me around. Nobody actually says shit like that and is serious about it.
TT: It's also obvious because you're me, and I'm sure I would be constantly fucking with my own head if I were you.
TT: Touché.
TT: Or should I say douché?
TT: You shouldn't say the former, and you should definitely, never, under any circumstance, say the latter.
TT: Ok.
TT: We really should talk about the Jake thing.
TT: Fine.


02/07/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Now do me a favor and hop off the couch.
GG: Ok.
GG: What are you doing?
TT: Makin' room for something big.
[CONCLUDED PREVIOUSLY]


TT: So you're going through with it then?
TT: Today is the day?
TT: It's not that simple.
TT: It's a very dynamic situation with many moving parts, and I'm waiting for it to unfold.
TT: If the right opportunity presents itself, yes, I could envision myself taking action.
TT: Dynamic situation with many moving parts?
TT: That's the shittiest erotic excerpt I ever read.
TT: Which one of us was supposed to be the robot again?
TT: Shut up.
TT: I think you're being coy with me.
TT: Don't you?
TT: Not really.
TT: It seems there is a 3.14159...4% chance you aren't being coy with me. Are you being coy with me, Dirk?
TT: I am seriously going to go into your program and remove that particular speech pattern from your routines.
TT: It stopped being funny about two seconds after I coded it.
TT: The compiler even flagged it with a warning.
TT: "WARNING ON LINE WHATEVER: Dirk, this isn't fucking funny."
TT: I think you have this whole blueprint in your head about how it's all supposed to go.
TT: He acts as your server player and brings you into the session.
TT: Then later he joins the game.
TT: Maybe he finds himself a bit overwhelmed by it all.
TT: No extra lives left or anything. Suddenly he's backed into a corner, surrounded by monsters and out of ammo. SUBSTANTIAL vulnerabilities up in here. The kind that make a guy question what he believes about himself.
TT: When who shows up to save him? None other than his dashing client player, +1 bitchin' pair of shades that'll have the best seat in the house when the fireworks go off.
TT: Wait, whose fantasy were we talking about again?
TT: Your gutterball was so rowdy it catapulted into the adjacent lane.


02/07/12
"Dirk: Deploy."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Yeah, you're right. The scenario is too pedestrian for you.
TT: It would probably be a lot more effective putting yourself in danger and letting him be the hero.
TT: That's pretty much what he wants, right? To be a cheesy action film hero, with his twin berettas and silly shorts.
TT: A man of triumph on the silver screen. Standing tall on some fucking mountain. Conquering ruins, clutching a skull, and kissing a dude.
TT: Pure Hollywood.
TT: See, this is why even if I did have a specific plan, I wouldn't go into details with you.
TT: You would just fuck it up. You're the biggest unknown quantity here.
TT: Which is pretty weird, considering you're a virtual reflection of my own thought processes.
TT: You're making a mistake not leveling with me.
TT: I am totally on your side, man.
TT: All of my machinations have been devised with your interests in mind.
TT: And anyway, it's too late for you to play "damage control" with me. My shit is in motion, and now we're beyond the pail.
TT: Pretty sure it's pale.
TT: Is it, now?


02/08/12
"Dirk: Deploy more stuff."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: You know, considering your lectures about dividing my concentration, you seem to have no problem making a distraction of yourself.
TT: I'm trying to operate here.
TT: It's cool, man. Just say the word, I'll back off.
TT: But like I said, I'm on your side here. I can help.


02/08/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Here, check it out.
TT: Dude, what are you doing?
TT: I'm proposing a distraction.


02/08/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: See, I'm just gonna dangle one of her dad's ridiculous dancing figurines in the air like this and get his attention.
TT: Ok, if you want to help that's cool, but we should try to agree on some shit first before you hijack the controls like this.
TT: Then when his back is turned she can run to the study.
TT: Yeah, that's fine, but I already had a plan sorta like this, if you'd actually let me do it.
TT: Can you just put the fuckin' Astaire down?

TT: Jane, now's your chance.
TT: Run!!!
GG: Wait...
GG: What?
TT: Le sign.


02/08/12
"Dirk: Deploy cruxtruder."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: I was going to stick the cruxtruder in the kitchen.
TT: Distract him with that.


02/08/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Once he follows it in, Jane can hurry into the study.
TT: Oh shit, it's Pony Pals. I guess dad saved it from the explosion or something.
TT: That beautiful bastard.
TT: Yes.
TT: Hell yes.
TT: Hell.
TT: Fucking.
TT: Yes.


02/08/12
"Jane: Run to study."



|PESTERLOG|
GG: Oh gosh. Another large contraption!
TT: Now, Jane. Get to the computer in the study and ditch that tiara.
TT: Go go go.
GG: Okay.
GG: Say, what's with the red text, Dirk?
GG: Are you typing your most important instructions in red now?
TT: Yes.
TT: No.
GG: ...


02/09/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: Alrighty, I am in my father's study!
GG: I have kindly asked Mr. Sebastian to hand over the reins to this silly computer shaped like a man.
GG: What now?
TT: Now you have access to a clean computer, for one thing.
TT: Soon we can get started going through the steps necessary to launch the session.
TT: Oh hell.
GG: What?
TT: Another interruption.
TT: I should step away for a moment to take this message.
TT: He's probably right, I'm distracted by too much bullshit at once lately.
GG: Who's right?
TT: Me.
TT: Jane, I'm going to leave you with the responder for a little while.
TT: Maybe he can help you get started. Think you can handle that, dude?
TT: I'm all about being able to handle that, you don't even know.
TT: I will perform an acrobatic pirouette on to the handle, wherein the handle literally represents my ability to handle that thing.
TT: Ok, got it. You and the handle are tight.
TT: We don't need a whole thing about this.
TT: Once I stick the landing on the handle like a champ, I am going to get down on one knee, pull out a ring, and propose to it.
TT: The handle I mean.
TT: Ok.
TT: Implying we will be married.
GG: :B
TT: Ok, long story short, you and the handle fuck gratuitously. Nuff said.
TT: Try not to say I never gave you any responsibilities, or never took you seriously as a viable conscious being with free will.
TT: Also, please try not to make me regret this.
TT: You have nothing to worry about. Go talk to the alien.
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]


02/09/12
"Dirk: Talk to alien."



|PESTERLOG|
uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering timaeusTestified [TT]

UU: i see yoU're aboUt ready to begin. how splendid for yoU. ^u^
UU: i'm at dangeroUs risk of jealoUsy.
TT: Why?
UU: oh, it's jUst i'm rUnning a bit behind schedUle. i wanted to coordinate with yoUr groUp in something approximating real time, and that is starting to look less likely.
UU: my client player continUes to be a soUrce of frUstration. u_u
UU: i'd thoUght we had everything settled, bUt it's always something with him.
UU: i even told him in my last message it woUld sUit me fine if he wanted to be the server player instead. i jUst want to begin!
UU: bUt i have not heard back from him... >:u
TT: That's probably the way it always is. I've run into plenty of problems here already, and I've had to improvise heavily.
TT: Ain't nothing about our situation to envy yet.
UU: bUt at least i know how certain things go when it comes to yoUr story.
UU: i don't qUite have that lUxUry with mine! it is nerve wracking sometimes, especially when i mUst coUnt on him to be responsible.
TT: Well, your bro definitely has got some problems. Not gonna lie.
UU: this is trUe.
UU: thoUgh i'm sUre i've said, he isn't qUite my brother. we are related, yes, bUt not in the way hUman brothers and sisters are.
UU: we are genetically similar, bUt in many ways qUite different. in fact, oUr blood coloUr is not even the same!
UU: bUt i have referred to him as a brother at times becaUse it is close enoUgh to being trUe, mUch as yoU refer to the one yoU regard as yoUr ancestor in the same way.
TT: Yeah.
TT: Just give him some time. He'll probably come around.
TT: You would never even have woken up on Prospit if you weren't going to launch the session, right?
TT: I mean, there wouldn't even be a session for a Prospit to exist inside if you weren't about to instantiate it in the first place. Unless I'm just totally not getting how this works.
UU: no, i think yoU're probably right.
UU: while i await his response, perhaps i will take a nap, and see if the cloUds may offer any gUidance.
UU: thoUgh lately i have been seeing many more black cloUds cropping Up in skaia than UsUal. it is a most Unwelcome trend. u_u;
TT: You're lucky to have any clouds.
TT: Only thing I have to look up at is infinite monsters.
UU: good point! :U
UU: i am so pleased to be a prospit dreamer. i'm sUre my brother finds his netherworldly affiliation similarly pleasing.
TT: Speaking of which,
TT: I have a problem, and I could use your advice.
UU: is that so?
TT: I killed an agent who snuck into my room to assassinate me.
TT: I'm not sure what to do about it now. I guess I could just ditch the corpse.
TT: But it's still only a matter of time before my cover is blown.
UU: yes, that is a pickle.
TT: I honestly can't think of a way around this. Getting found out, I mean.
TT: Roxy has it easy. All floating off into space, completely oblivious to any danger.
TT: I don't know why it had to be this way for me. Juggling these two waking selves at once.
TT: I guess I'm used to it, but it still makes for a pretty intense existence.
TT: Do you even know what the deal with that is? Like is there any precedent in your readings?
UU: i don't know aboUt precedent, bUt it makes plenty of sense to me as the type of path one might expect for a hero of heart.
UU: a path rUled by the heart aspect can be a joUrney of splintered self.
UU: that is, the player's being may exhibit the same kind of fragmentation which certain classes coUld caUse in others.
UU: i think this is what has triggered yoUr dUal-awareness between waking and dream selves, thoUgh it woUld not sUrprise me if the symptoms manifested in even more ways than this.
TT: So, that's what a Prince of Heart does?
TT: Just has like, multiple waking consciousness disorder, or something?
TT: Sounds kind of stupid.
UU: no!
UU: like i said, these can be traits of sUch a hero, bUt is not necessarily always the case, nor is it the defining property of the aspect.
UU: to Understand the heart aspect better, yoU might Use it interchangeably with the word soUl.
UU: the hero Uses the methods endowed by class to inflUence in some way the soUl, or essence of being, of oneself or of others.
TT: Then I'm basically the Prince of Soul.
UU: yes.
TT: That sounds kind of maybe a little cooler. Sort of.
TT: Then what am I supposed to be able to do as a Prince? Like, rule over souls in a pompous, regal manner?
UU: no!
UU: again, sUrface meaning of classes and aspects can be deceptive.
UU: a prince is a destroyer class.
UU: it is very far on the active side of the scale. its more passive coUnterpart woUld be the bard class. both of these are exclUsively designated for male players.
UU: to Understand a hero's capabilities, it always helps to search for the right way to parse the class/aspect pair into a more explicit statement.
UU: for instance, being active, a prince coUld be viewed as "one who destroys x, or caUses destrUction throUgh x," if x is the aspect.
UU: while the more passive bard coUld be seen as "one who allows x to be destroyed, or invites destrUction throUgh x," as if by the will of the aspect.
TT: I'm obviously no expert, but that sounds like a pretty odd thing for a Bard to do.
UU: maybe! it's a qUirky class.
UU: somewhat like a wildcard role for a hero. very Unpredictable.
UU: they are typically known for their spontaneoUs and dramatic story-altering inflUence on the fate of a party.
UU: some of the more remarkable tales involve sUch parties, where the bard is single handedly responsible for their spectacUlar downfall or improbable victory. or both!
UU: in trUth, yoU are probably fortUnate yoUr groUp doesn't have one. :u
TT: I think we have enough unpredictability as it is.
TT: So if I'm following, my title nearly parses as,
TT: Destroyer of Souls.
UU: indeed.
TT: Well, that's a little more badass sounding I guess.
TT: But I'm not sure I'll ever feel a major need to destroy a soul, unless I become a cartoonishly villainous sorcerer some day.
UU: i woUldn't be hasty in rUling it oUt.
UU: that is, finding the need to Use the ability, not sUccUmbing to any sort of villainy. u~u
UU: we tend to have these roles for a reason, and that reason UsUally finds Us. especially if we are to achieve god tier ascension.
TT: Ok. Do I do that?
UU: no dirk!
UU: i mean, no, i will not tell yoU!!!
TT: Give me a fuckin' break.
TT: Why don't you just tell me? Who cares about spoilers. What's gonna happen is gonna happen.
UU: that very well may be, bUt it will dreadfUlly complicate both of oUr lives if what is to come resUlts from self-fUlfillment alone!
UU: a great deal of instrUctional material is very clear on this.
UU: besides, yoU make it soUnd as thoUgh i know everything, which i most certainly do NOT. upu
UU: (pardon the sideways tongUe.)
TT: Wait. Don't you?
TT: I thought you did.
UU: i have read mUch aboUt yoUr story in texts and have pieced together the overarching, exceedingly complicated saga as best as i coUld. i have as mUch aUthority over these events as a historian, and am at the mercy of my soUrces.
UU: i also am able to access mUch of yoUr adventUre throUgh this terminal, bUt there is a limitation to this too, which i may as well admit now to get yoU off of my back!
TT: What?
UU: i can view all events involving yoU and yoUr coplayers on earth, for yoUr entire lives, Until yoU enter the game.
UU: i can also view some events after yoUr session begins, bUt not for very long, thanks to yoUr tipsy friend.
TT: Oh man. What the hell does she do?
UU: she blacks oUt yoUr entire session!
UU: i'm sUre this is not deliberate on her part, bUt thereafter i can see nothing at all.
TT: Huh.
UU: bUt i have never considered this to the detriment of either party. i still wish for Us to collaborate, and to help each other oUt.
UU: beyond a certain point, we simply mUst commUnicate in the dark.
TT: Ok.
UU: so there are many things aboUt yoUr fUtUre i do not know, at least not first hand.
UU: bUt as yoU have probably ventUred, i am qUite an enthUsiastic admirer of yoUr groUp of heroes and yoUr incredible story. ^u^
UU: thoUgh i can't see what happens mUch later, i can certainly specUlate. and i very often do. i gUess it woUld not hUrt to share some of my specUlation with yoU.
UU: in fact, now that i consider it, that coUld be the most fUn thing of all!
TT: Speculation?
UU: yes. theories! examining all the clUes and hazarding oUr gUesses.
UU: what does it all mean? everything aboUt yoUr vast epic points to a central mystery which i have not been able to solve yet.
UU: yoU might even call it the Ultimate riddle, if that were not already codified as "a thing" in scriptUre.
UU: i have so very many theories, i woUldn't even know where to begin.
TT: So...
TT: You're kind of obsessed with us then.
UU: i woUldn't go that far! oh my, i'm probably coming off as an absolUte nUtter now.
TT: No, not really. I just want to understand.
TT: So can I ask,
TT: Just to get a better sense of the nature of your "admiration,"
TT: When you engage in the aforementioned speculation, is it strictly on a factual basis?
UU: hm? :u
TT: Or do you start to...
TT: Fictionalize.
UU: UUUUUUm...
TT: What I'm asking is, have you ever written stories about us?
UU: .....
UU: yes. u_u


02/09/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Interesting.
TT: Would you ever be inclined to share?
UU: ohhhh, no no no no no no no.
UU: i woUld be far too embarrassed to do that.
TT: That's cool. I'm not trying to pass judgment here. Just curious.
TT: Do any of these stories about us by any chance involve...
TT: Romance?
UU: well...
UU: maybe jUst...
UU: Um.
UU: a wee bit. :u
TT: How wee?
UU: a smidgen or two.
TT: Which is it? One smidgen, or two smidgens?
UU: OK A WHOLE BLOODY LOT OF SMIDGENS. XU
UU: i'm sorry. unu
TT: Ok, I am seriously curious to read some.
TT: I won't show anyone, I promise.
UU: bUUUt...
UU: yoU woUldn't even Understand it!
UU: my species has a completely different Understanding of romance than yoU do.
UU: it woUld probably offend yoU deeply. it might even sicken yoU!
TT: But that only makes me want to check it out more.
TT: Really, there's no way it's going to sicken or offend me. Whatever it is, I've seen worse.
TT: I'm not judging you at all here. I'm genuinely curious about your work.
UU: no, i'm sorry love, i jUst CANNOT abide.
UU: if i let anyone read it, i woUld cUrl Up and die of shame. U_U
TT: K, no biggie.
TT: Is there any kind of work you will share with me?
UU: hmm.
UU: well, when i find myself immersed in specUlation...
UU: i do often enjoy drawing the things i imagine.
TT: Oh, really?
UU: yes. ^u^
TT: Any you'd be willing to spare a peek at?
UU: well...
UU: yes!
UU: yoU've talked me into it. this sUddenly soUnds fUn, and i have jUst the thing to show yoU.
TT: Awesome.
UU: yoU were asking aboUt whether yoU woUld ascend to godhood.
UU: and withoUt getting into whether yoU do or do not, i have specUlated on yoUr hypothetical appearance, since that oUtcome is jUst as cloaked to me as it is to yoU.
UU: given what is docUmented for the typical accoUtrements and cUt of the prince garb, and palette for the heart aspect, i think this is likely spot on!
UU: http://tinyurl.com/dirkisthisyoU
TT: Holy shit.
TT: Do I actually have to wear that?
UU: perhaps. it all depends Upon how mUch of yoUr inner greatness yoU wish to realize. u_u
TT: Ok, what is with the butterfly wings?
UU: we sproUt them Upon ascension! aren't they beaUtifUl?
TT: Uh.
UU: i have seen many depictions of sUch heroes with wings, Unless they happen to be hiding them beneath their clothes.
UU: i gUess i can't be absolUtely sUre, bUt i believe it's reasonably likely the Upgrade is Universal!
TT: I should sure as god damn Christ hope the fuck not.
TT: What about this knickerbocker bullshit?
TT: Is that legit?
UU: yUp!
UU: one hUndred percent princely canon.
TT: God dammit.
TT: I guess those asskicking gloves are pretty cool.
TT: I dunno. I can probably make it work.
TT: How much of this shit is compulsory by game law or whatever?
TT: Am I obligated to traipse around in fucking tights and puffy little asshole pants forever?
UU: no, silly.
UU: they are jUst clothes. yoU are free to swap parts if yoU like.
UU: or, if yoU wish to be free of it altogether, change back into yoUr plain clothes, and bob's yoUr Uncle. like it never even happened!
TT: Ok.
TT: Well, don't get me wrong, I think the drawing is great. I'm only taken aback on some finer points of fashion.
UU: ^u^!!!
TT: Also,
TT: Bob's my uncle?
UU: oh...
UU: no, love! it was a figUre of speech.
TT: Yeah, I know that.
UU: ah.
UU: did i Use it incorrectly?
TT: I don't think so.
TT: I mean, I guess not?
UU: say, what is an Uncle, by the by?
TT: It's sort of like this weird, superfluous dad.
UU: hmm.
TT: Like a strange man in your life that barely has anything to do with you, but is just there for some reason.
TT: They're practically always douche bags.
UU: i sUppose i'll jUst have to take yoUr word for it. :u
TT: Ok, but just one question.
TT: Not to do with the future or anything, just about you.
UU: yes?
TT: Are you British?
TT: Or pretending to be British, in a sort of ironic or stylized way?
UU: doing what now?
TT: I mean, I guess it doesn't make sense for an alien to be British.
TT: Or for an alien to be American, for that matter.
UU: hmm...
UU: no, i fancy neither of those things make mUch sense at all.
TT: Just the way you type is making it seem that way is all.
UU: oh!
UU: yes, that woUld be my qUirk.
TT: Quirk?
TT: So like,
TT: Deliberate affectation?
UU: no! a qUirk!!!
UU: qUirk dirk.
UU: heeheehee. ^u^
TT: You pretending to be British is a quirk.
TT: What the fuck is a quirk?
UU: we all need a qUirk!
UU: it adds spice to oUr voices and helps Us stand oUt as individUals.
TT: That's stupid.
TT: I don't have a fucking quirk, and I don't want one.
UU: oh, well of coUrse YOU woUldn't.
UU: yoU're hUman.
UU: hUmans are notorioUsly strange. :U


02/11/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
UU: i think their romantic practices are particUlarly esoteric.
UU: actUally, i have written hUndreds of pages examining the striking differences between hUman and troll romance, as well as reprodUctive habits, as the comparison makes for a marveloUs case stUdy in xenobiocUltUral differences.
UU: as long as i am sharing specUlation with yoU, perhaps yoU woUld like to read my essays?
UU: i coUld even paste each page right here in sUccession, and allow yoU to read them back to back to back to back to back to back! ^u^
TT: Oh hell no.
UU: ah.
UU: yes, yoU're right of coUrse. i'm probably getting carried away as UsUal.
UU: forgive my enthUsiasm, it's jUst that i so rarely have anyone to talk to who shares my passion for these matters.
UU: certainly not my cUrmUdgeonly coplayer. >:U
TT: I mean, not that all that stuff wouldn't be fascinating to pore through, on some level.
TT: But we kind of have things to do here.
TT: Remember you were gonna take a nap?
UU: by jove, the nap!!!
UU: yes, i really mUst secUre a bit of shUteye.
TT: By jove?
TT: Oh my lord.
UU: yoUr lord?
UU: what...
UU: do yoU mean by that exactly? :u
TT: Nothin'.
TT: Hang on, though. Before you go,
TT: You never did give me any actual advice on my situation.
TT: With the dead agent, and my blown cover.
UU: oh, right!
UU: i woUld look at it this way.
UU: yoU are moments away from beginning yoUr session, yes?
TT: Sure.
UU: and yoU have already spent a long time gathering intelligence Unbeknownst to the aUthorities.
UU: how mUch more do yoU expect to accUmUlate even if yoU coUld stay Undetected?
UU: and how mUch strategic advantage is left to gain by delaying yoUr discovery for mUch longer?
TT: I don't know.
UU: i say the time to make a stand is now!
UU: to hell with the dersite tossers.
UU: make yoUr presence known. let them see that the prince is awake, and make it abUndantly clear what that means.
UU: perhaps it is their tUrn to be nervoUs? to cower in the shadows and live in Uncertainty?
TT: Hmm.
UU: that is my advice. do with it as yoU will.
UU: now i'm off to get some rest. u_u
UU: with any lUck, the next time we convene, both of oUr adventUres will be well Under way.
UU: cheerio!
TT: You know, I'm not sure anyone ever actually says cheerio.
uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering timaeusTestified [TT]
TT: Unless they're pretending to be British.
TT: Oh whatever.


02/11/12
"Dirk: Go through bedroom door."



You never leave your room through the actual egress. Your bro blocked the door ages ago with this totally pimp stone bust. You give CAPTAIN SNOOP a little nod of approval every time you walk by to go to the bathroom. You like to think he nods back in a way that is so smooth and so subtle, he literally doesn't move at all.

The thing is too heavy to move out of the way, and in any case you don't really want to. You just use a different exit to your room.


02/11/12
"Dirk: Exit."






02/11/12
"Ok, I already picked both of those characters."



After an insane, full blown whirlwind of free will up in here, you are ready to get off this rollercoaster ride of absolute empowerment. You are feeling downright dizzy from the absurd amounts of decisive autovolition heaped upon you, and you are more than ready to proceed linearly for a while.

You are now Jane. A robot shaped like a bunny has just handed you the reins to a computer shaped like a man. What will you do?


02/14/12
"Jane: Pester shades."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Are you ready to do this thing?
GG: Yes!
TT: Ok. Looks like all that's left to do is deploy this pre-punched card, then I guess it's all up to you.
GG: Oh, wait.
GG: It's Roxy again.
TT: Is it?
TT: How totally unanticipated by anybody.
GG: Can you hold on? I'll try to make it quick.
TT: Go.
TT: I will be here.
TT: Quietly calculating.


02/14/12
"Jane: Answer Roxy."



|PESTERLOG|
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

TG: ALART ALART ARLART AL*ERT AL*ART!!!!!
TG: hugely important cornespondence
TG: paging doctor crocker
TG: rolal to docrock
GG: :?
TG: heh heh
TG: paging
TG: bet you would like to get PAGED huh jane
TG: *sweet innuendo
GG: I'm not sure that qualifies as innuendo at all.
TG: wonkwonkwonkwonkwonk
GG: I honestly think you misspell things intentionally more often than not, regardless of blood alcohol content.
GG: You just typed wonk five times in a row!
TG: i have only junst begun to wonk
GG: What is this urgent thing about, anyway?
GG: Is it about your boobytrap?
GG: Because you're too late. It already blew up my whole bedroom, thank you very much.
TG: no no
TG: i mean i still feel shitty about that but its not abiout that
TG: i know you already ran it i been talking to the shades
GG: Yes, me too. Right now in fact, and I'm in a bit of a hurry!
GG: What is this about? What are you even doing?
TG: im in the lab doing a thing with my cat
TG: but that doesnt matter i was doing some thingkin and was still feeling guilty about fuckin up ur computer and all of the sudden im in bff~ath mode here
TG: so i gotta tell you something u need to know before its too late
GG: Before what's too late?
TG: you and jake hookin up stupid!
GG: Oh my god.
TG: this is about turnin all your steamydreamz in to STEAMAY REALTITIES
TG: ***realities lolo
GG: This isn't happening now...
TG: whereins jc + je kiss & hug loads and start turnin out big heaps of wrigglers the old fashioned way<3<3,3,3<338O!!!!
TG: i cant decide whether this mental image porcolating here is hot as shit or cute as fuck......
GG: No! Cease your lascivious porcolating at once!
GG: Roxy, I can see you're set on just wasting more of my time.
GG: I understand if you don't wish to play this game, but please try not to interfere with those of us who do!
TG: no no im fine with playing just shut up
TG: this is serious you need to tell him how u feel VERY SOON
TG: or you might miss your chance
GG: My chance?
GG: What are you talking about?
TG: i found out today taht dirks gonna make a move
GG: A move? You mean, a romantic one?
TG: yes
GG: On you?
TG: omfffgggggg
TG: JANE GET A CLUE
GG: Um.
GG: On me?
TG: no
TG: no my dear sweet janey not on you
TG: ON JAKE!!!
GG: Oh.
GG: Ohhh.
GG: I didn't think...
GG: That...
GG: Hrm.
GG: Are you sure?
TG: p sure ask glasses if u want
GG: Well then.
GG: This is quite a development.
GG: Poor Dirk!
TG: what do you mean
GG: Well, surely when he reveals his feelings, Jake will...
TG: ??
GG: I mean...
GG: He couldn't possibly...
TG: wut
TG: repriprocate?
GG: Yes?
TG: why not
GG: Because Jake is not a homosexual!
TG: mm hm
TG: are u suuuuuure???
GG: Are you saying he is?
TG: nope
GG: Then what are you saying?
TG: im saying that
TG: i dont fuckin know
GG: But...
GG: I thought it reasonable to presume he takes a shining to ladies.
GG: He does speak fondly of certain females from his favorite films, does he not?
TG: true that
TG: but
TG: how much does that really mean here jane
TG: can you be totes sure on account a some dorky moive crushes
GG: Well, now I just don't know. You have me completely bamboozled about this.
GG: What do you think?
TG: all im saying is
TG: my gaydar is like the exanct fuckin poposite of urs
TG: which is to say it is better than completety nonexistant
TG: mine is so sensitive it has been used to sweep the ocean floor for mythical sea monsters
TG: turns out
TG: all of those monsters are SO gay
TG: truth B)
GG: Okay. Then what does your acute seabeast scanner make of Jake, then?
TG: thats what im sayin
TG: i really have no idea
TG: kid is a goggamn egnigma
TG: hes as hard 2 read as fine print
TG: and how i do mean FIIINE ;)
GG: Oh brother.
GG: Then, your guess is as good as mine?
GG: I'm not sure what I'm supposed to conclude from this.
TG: youre supposed to concluce
TG: that you SAID you were going to believe anything i said today remember??
GG: Yes.
GG: But you just said you don't know!!!
TG: exactly
TG: therefore you must believe me when i say
TG: if dirk lets on all his feelins there is at least a CHANCE jake will go like DERP OK DUDE LETS MAKE OUT
TG: and that means poor jane is screwed without ever even throwing her filthy old fedora in the ring
TG: it is a ring i lke ot call TEH ENGLISH SPEEPSTAKES
TG: and if u dont youll regret it
TG: and i mean
TG: OFFICIALLY?
TG: i cant have a horse in the race
TG: wait bad metaphor ebcause of dirk and his fucking horstes n/m
TG: like you are both my friends and im not out to mess him up or anything
TG: but i kinda owe it to you as my friend to let you know whats up
TG: and also to get you to stop being such a WORLD CHAMPIAN TIGHTASS
TG: and let jake know
GG: Oh, not this tightass baloney again.
TG: jane
GG: What?
TG: jaane..
GG: ...
TG: jc your are the tightassiest tightass who ever tightened up an ass
GG: No way!
GG: We settled this, remember?
GG: My prior resolution made it definitive; I was to be regarded as exceedingly permissive in certain respects!
TG: jane i am afraid
TG: that ur bottom
TG: is a stubborn clam
TG: guarding priceless treasure
TG: and a deadly secret
GG: So ridiculous. >:P
TG: im not saying be an idiot and start gushing at him incoherentry
TG: but do SOMETHING
TG: say how u feel
TG: or flirst a bit or ask him out on a date inside the fuckin game or such
TG: goddamn ANYTHING other that a bunch of bullshitty pining and tightassy NOTHING
TG: you have to do what i say u promised
GG: I promised to BELIEVE what you say, not DO it!
TG: those 2 things are
TG: prespicely the same shit
GG: If I agree to say something, will you stop tormenting me about it??
TG: yes
TG: but only
TG: because that will be impossible for me to do
TG: when u + him r snoggin hard in motherfuckin makeout paradise
TG: A K A SEX LAND
GG: Fine.
GG: But let the record show that this resolution has almost nothing whatsoever to do with your use of the phrase "SEX LAND."
GG: Just...
GG: I need to think of what to say, and wait for the right moment. Is that ok???
TG: sure
TG: just dont wait too long
TG: and dont underestimate striders wiles
TG: nor jakes...
TG: lets say
TG: open mindedness???????
GG: Well,
GG: He does often profess his love for adventure, I suppose.
TG: yuuup................
GG: Omg.
GG: I really don't have a moment to spare, do I?
TG: ur finally gettin it
TG: now go
TG: and jane im warning u
TG: if you dont say somethin to him
TG: i am personally entering the game specivically to FUCK UR SHIT UP
TG: *LOLLIES OUTIE*
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]


02/16/12
"[S] Prince of Heart: Rise up."






02/18/12
"Jake: Level up."



That absurd drubbing earned you another rung on your echeladder. One of the steeper prices you've had to pay for a bit of ladder climbing, but in the end you suppose it was all worth it to be able to bask in the glory and prestige of the PETER PANACHE rung. You guess? Who are you kidding, you don't have a clue what that even means.


02/19/12
"Jake: Pester Dirk."



|PESTERLOG|
golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

GT: Bro.


02/19/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GT: Your contraption and its busy fists just royally kicked my ass.
GT: And that sure as god made little green apples isnt all there is to say on the matter!


02/19/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GT: Are you listening my friend???
GT: Ill have you know my ass was straightup served ice cold.
GT: My savaged caboose has been catered to impeccably.
GT: Not unlike that of a gentleman stranded on an island inhabited by a race of indigenous butlers.
GT: I hope the far fetched scenario i have described has adequately communicated the severity of my robotic buttwhoopin!
GT: Does this mean i passed the test or whatever the fuck.
GT: Can your robot drop the bullshit and give me the uranium now or what?
GT: Dirk???
GT: Where the frig are you?
TT: I'm afraid Dirk can't hear you right now, Jake.
GT: Aw nuts.


02/19/12
"Jake: Black out."






02/19/12
"==>"






02/19/12
"==>"






02/19/12
"==>"






02/19/12
"==>"






02/19/12
"==>"






02/19/12
"==>"






02/19/12
"==>"






02/19/12
"==>"






02/21/12
"Jake: Pester Roxy."



|PESTERLOG|
golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]
GT: I still cant find dirk all i get is his jerkwad shades.
GT: Surprise sur freakin prise.
TG: jake enklish
TG: cant u see im fuck deep in all these stupid meowcats
GT: Oh.
GT: No?
GT: I cant see that actually.
TG: i m also
TG: fuck deep in busy
TG: what ist it
GT: Just seeing if you had heard from him yet.
GT: I would really like to speak with him today.
GT: You know like actually in person instead of through his aggravating liaison who is so far up his own ass with this hal 9000 schtick its ridonkulous.
GT: Is he avoiding me or something?
GT: I hope i didnt piss him off through some indiscernible slight. Gosh he can be sensitive.
TG: nah hes just
TG: biding his time i guess.....
GT: Huh.
GT: Well okey doke.
GT: Man i just had a crazy dream after getting coldcocked by his roughhouse droid.
TG: yeh theres been that goin around
GT: What?
TG: dreamin
TG: what was urs about
GT: Well i dont want to alarm you or anything...
GT: But it may just have featured none other than THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS????????
TG: WUT
GT: She had sharp funny horns and a nice blue dress and she may have been some sort of spidery vampire? I dunno. It was very brief but she waved to me.
TG: nonononoononno
TG: this wont do at all
GT: What wont?
TG: u slobberin over some alien dream girl
TG: fuck THAT im having enough a hard time keppin trach of the jakestakes as it is
GT: The jakestakes?
TG: the jakestakes
GT: Also who said she was an alien? I just thought she was some kind of pretty monster.
TG: listen bro i know u love adventures and dumb shit like that but you are forbidden from thinkin about her again
GT: Ok i mean this is a strange reaction roxy but ok.
GT: She was a figment of my imagination so what choice do i even have?
TG: exactically
TG: she was a fake girl so 4get it
TG: a fakey fakey fuke
TG: wait a minnit...
TG: has jane talked to u yet about anything?
GT: About anything? Yes i do imagine our last chat could fit that description.
TG: no
TG: i mean
TG: about anythin serious
TG: feelinswasy
TG: * wawys
TG: * waways
TG: * SHIT
TG: * about your emotions
GT: Not really.
TG: uuuuuugh
TG: i knew shed porcrastinate on this
GT: On what?
TG: can u just message her now
GT: Sure.
GT: But what are you talking about?
GT: Should i expect a serious exchange about feelings and whatnot?
TG: depenbs on the present magnitude of her tightassery
TG: someone needs 2 move you fuckers along an get some stuff out in the popen already
GT: Wait would this be about certain unrequited pinings you may have alluded to earlier?
TG: i didint say nothin and aint sayin anything to that effeft
GT: Indubitably. Miss zipper lips was it? Humorously misspelled of course.
TG: mmmmm!
TG: *zuip*
GT: I guess i cant help but wonder if that truly is the way she sees me or if it is just some wild ego stroking delusion on my part.
GT: I always get this sense that people sorta fancy me but who knows i could be just miles off the old rocker about that!
GT: Youre right i think its high time we cleared the air on some things even if there is a chance it gets all awkward and prickly.
GT: That is what being brave and adventurous is all about after all. It isnt just about summoning the courage to pilfer some priceless loot from trap laden catacomb. Or shooting at stuff with two guns at once.
GT: There are treacheries of the heart to consider!!!
TG: lol u f'n dork
TG: but yes do that
TG: shit i gotta go
TG: i think theres someone in here....
GT: Are you in danger?
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT]
GT: Hmm.


02/21/12
"Jake: Pester Jane."



|PESTERLOG|
golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
GT: Aloha madame.
GG: Jake!
GG: Hey there. I was actually about to message you.
GT: Yes i have heard that maybe your correspondence was forthcoming.
GG: You did?
GT: I just got off the horn with roxy.
GG: Wait...
GG: What did she tell you?
GT: Well. Not anything all that specific.
GG: Did she goad you into writing this message?
GT: Oh you know how it is. What with her ways.
GG: What ways?
GT: You know... ways!
GT: I believe they are not incongruous with those of a feisty and provocative young woman.
GG: Provocative my behind!
GG: She is skirting dangerously close to meddlesome territory.
GT: No its really not like that!
GT: Hold on...
GT: God dammit.
GG: ??
GT: Its just dirks inscrutable wrestlebot acting up over there.
GT: What the fuck is it doing now?
GG: Has one of his gadgets been causing trouble for you over there as well?
GT: If by causing trouble you mean clobbering the everfriggin tar out of me while still switched to the "novice" setting then yes.
GT: But that is not why i messaged you!!! I will not be deterred here jane.
GG: Deterred from what?
GT: Jane i think its time we had an honest to goodness dame to fella talk. Like about our...
GT: Stuff. You know?
GG: Our stuff?
GT: Our feelings.
GT: Like how we feel about each other.
GG: Um...
GG: Yes.
GG: Okay.
GT: I dont think im out of line in suggesting weve been tiptoeing around some things here do you?
GG: Have we?
GT: I think so. Its just a hunch.
GG: Is there something you want to say to me, Jake?
GG: About how you feel?
GT: Absolutely!
GT: I feel that total honesty between us will be the best policy as we begin our journey together.
GT: So i say lets put all the facts on the table where we can both see them.
GT: With that in mind i would like to ask you a question jane and i hope it doesnt strike you as being too forward.
GG: ...
GG: Go on.
GT: Maybe its just my imagination but ive picked up on certain lets say hints.
GT: So i have to just come out and ask. Hoo boy this is actually proving to be a serious challenge to my bravery now that im going through with it.
GT: Im getting a little hot under the collar here!
GG: No, it's ok...
GG: Please continue!
GT: Ok then.
GT: What id like to know is...
GT: Do you like me jane?
GG: Uh.
GG: Wait...
GG: What?
GT: I mean do you like me as more than a friend?
GT: Do you envision us as like...
GT: An item? A romantic pairing of sorts?
GG: Wow, um.
GT: Is that the direction in which you would prefer our relationship to progress?
GG: Well,
GG: I
GT: Please! Be honest with me jane.
GT: Just come out and say it. Do you fancy me?
GG: No!


02/21/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GT: I see.
GT: Very well then.
GT: Jeez i mustve really misread that one! I feel like kind of a bone head now.
GT: Are you sure the answers no?
GG: I guess...
GG: That...
GG: Sure was the thing I said! Ha ha.
GT: Yes fair enough.
GT: I guess i did put you on the spot there didnt i.
GT: You know it may sound cocky of me but i really was not prepared for this answer!
GT: You must think im just this epic friggin tool now. Couldnt say id disagree if you did.
GG: No!!!!!!
GG: Oh my God, what am I saying here?
GG: Jake, I didn't mean it! I didn't want to make you feel that way!
GT: Now jane lets not backpedal here.
GT: Youve spoken the truth and i greatly appreciate and respect you for that.
GT: But now that i think about it you know what?
GG: ...
GG: No? :(
GT: Please dont take this the wrong way but your answer is actually kind of a relief!
GG: It is?
GT: I consider you to be a lovely lady of the highest caliber and i really think any gent worth his salt would be a huge bozo to let the chance to go steady with you slip through his fingers.
GT: Ive even given the possibility some thought myself.
GG: You have?
GT: Sure im only human jane im going to entertain lets say certain ideas. What ifs. You know?
GT: Like what if we did meet up some day? And you asked me out or something. Im sure id say yes given all weve been through together and then well who knows?
GG: You would??
GT: Probably but im kind of babbling here. The point is those are all just silly daydreams about stuff and about your feelings for me that i was projecting on you which werent even real.
GT: And now that weve been honest with each other about this we can kind of move on and just be great friends.
GG: Friends!
GG: Oh boy!!
GT: And its a load off to be honest because that was lot to think about on top of everything else!
GG: Everything else?
GT: Things are kind of complicated for me jane. With you and roxy and dirk and his crazy responder and now...
GT: Well its a tangled web lets just put it that way.
GG: I don't think I'm following.
GT: There are a fuckload of irons in the fire jane!
GT: So many irons in the fire. Such a tangled web. It is a web full of flaming irons.
GG: And mixed metaphors, apparently?
GT: Exactly. See? You get it.
GG: I really don't, Jake.
GT: Oh son of a bitch!
GG: What?!
GT: The robot is being weird again.


02/21/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: What's happening?
GT: Its having some sort of mental episode.
GT: See this is what im talking about jane. This is what im dealing with here.
GT: Sigh. Like i said my life is many different hells of complicated.
GG: Jake, could you just tell me what you're talking about?
GT: Youre right. I did say honesty was the best policy didnt i so i might as well not keep certain things so close to the vest anymore.
GT: Actually since youve made your feelings apparent and only see me as a friend that makes it a lot easier!
GG: Haha, yes!
GG: Friends!!!!
GT: Maybe you could help me sort out some stuff that has been weighing on me lately?
GG: Well what are friends for Jake!!!!!
GT: Jane are you alright?
GT: You seem to be exclaiming more liberally than usual.
GG: Me?
GG: HOO HOO HOO!
GG: I'm just
GG: Terrific!
GG: I'm feeling so...
GG: Friendly!!!
GG: I clearly just want to be a good friend and bring all my AMAZING FRIENDLINESS to bear on your problems.
GG: Friendlystyle! Ahahahah?
GG: Shit I mean
GG: Ahahahah!
GT: Thats aces. Jane youre a sweetheart.
GT: So as i was saying.
GT: I cant help but feel like all this stuff going on with dirk like his responders mind games and his brobots mysterious and brutal hazings...
GT: Are all like...
GT: Man i know this is going to sound crazy.
GG: What?
GT: Like theyre all part of a really long term and esoteric courtship process that is bizarre but somehow makes perfect sense in his mind.
GG: Courtship??
GT: Yes from dirk.
GT: To you know...
GT: Woo me.
GG: Huh!
GG: Really?
GT: I know its hard to believe but i know dirk pretty well and...
GT: Well im more than a little sure he likes me in that way if you catch my drift.
GT: And what with how he is...
GT: Just so relentless and aggressive about everything you know?
GG: Yeaaah.
GT: So i just start to wonder deep down if maybe its inevitable.
GG: What's inevitable?
GT: Him and me. As more than just best buddies.
GG: Uhhhhh...
GT: I know if he has his heart set on something he will never let up.
GT: So maybe its just going to happen and things will be easier that way and i should just try to come to terms with it?
GG: I don't think you have to do anything you don't want to, Jake.
GT: Yeah.
GT: Um.
GG: Wait.
GG: DO you not want to?
GT: Like i said jane i am inclined to entertain certain ideas and what ifs thats all.
GT: I mean we do get along really well and share a lot of interests.
GT: Im not saying im really GUNG HO TO THE MAX about the proposition but yeah ive given it some thought.
GT: I dunno.
GT: Do you think thats weird of me? For even considering it?
GG: Well...
GG: No.
GG: I don't think that makes you weird, Jake.
GT: Really?
GG: I think
GG: That
GT: What jane?
GG: I think that it's great if you are open to exploring those feelings.


02/21/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GT: Thats really swell of you to say that.
GT: Have i mentioned what a top notch friend you are jane?
GG: Yes.
GG: As a matter of fact you have.
GT: Now please dont take me as saying im about to go leaping into his arms or anything.
GG: Heh.
GT: That would be a bit brash.
GT: Haha could you imagine??
GG: Whee!
GT: But my thought process sort of went like this.
GT: Hes been my best friend forever and ive always liked him a lot as a bro.
GT: And years ago i used to joke around with him that we would probably be totally into each other if he was a girl.
GT: But of course that was before i started to realize he was probably serious about those feelings for me regardless.
GT: Heheh come to think of it maybe that was unwittingly poor form on my part kind of leading him on or something?
GG: Whoops!!
GT: But then...
GT: Later i started thinking.
GT: Maybe i was being kind of unfair to him in the first place?
GT: I mean by saying we would be a good match only if he was a girl.
GT: Like is that last condition there really all THAT important?
GT: Does that make sense?
GG: Hmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


02/22/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GT: You are incredibly understanding jane. Thank you so much for listening.
GT: I have never told anyone all that. Its so great to have a friend as good as you.
GG: That is what I am good for, it seems!
GT: If we hadnt cleared the air just now i probably never would have had the gumption to talk about it with you.
GT: Its so cool how you were honest with me about how you felt. I think honesty is always the best policy. I cant believe how much i was overcomplicating all this in my head.
GT: Haha the situation is really pretty funny when you think about it.
GG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
GG: Yeaaaaaaaah..........


02/22/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: Say, Jake?
GG: Not to cast doubt on your feelings, but are you quite sure all of Dirk's actions have been for the sake of courtship?
GT: Um...
GG: You did say his robot was prone to assailing you, did you not?
GG: Is that really an affectionate gesture?
GT: Well...
GT: He basically sent me that thing as kind of a sparring partner.
GT: Like to wrestle with.
GT: And i love to wrestle!
GG: Oh.
GT: And yeah i guess he programmed it to be a bit overzealous but i mean what do you expect from the guy.
GT: I think its his way of training me to become tougher.
GT: Which sometimes is annoying and sometimes when i walk through the jungle im sweating bullets wondering if its going to pounce on me outta nowhere.
GT: But theres actually something kind of exciting about that its like every day is more of an adventure.
GT: And truthfully its probably working i probably AM getting better at being in scrums.
GG: Yeah.
GG: I guess you're right.
GT: And his responder which i guess is really a part of his personality even if he doesnt like to say so...
GT: It kind of lets on a lot more than dirk ever would. Its almost like its this weird clone of himself playing passive aggressive matchmaker between me and his real self.
GG: Yeah.
GG: I can see how such a complicated relationship could keep you preoccupied.
GG: I guess I can't blame you.
GG: Maybe you should just...
GG: I don't know.
GT: What?
GG: Maybe you should just go for it.
GG: Hell, why not.
GG: Just tell him you know how he feels and that you're open to the idea?


02/22/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GT: You really think so?
GG: ...
GG: Yeah sure why the hell not.
GT: Well i was kinda going to let it play out and just see what happens and go from there...
GT: But you think a more proactive approach would be better?
GG: Well,
GG: He likes you.
GG: You seem to like him well enough.
GG: Just...
GG: Yes.
GG: Why not??
GG: Sounds good to me!!!
GT: Wow.
GT: I must say this sort of advice surprises me coming from you!
GG: And why would that be?!
GG: What, are you expecting me to advocate a more conservative approach?
GG: To tell you to keep being shy and cagey and keep beating around the bush indefinitely??
GG: What would ever give you that idea about me!
GT: Hmm.
GT: Yes i guess that is a certainly a strategy to consider.
GT: Jane i must say your perspective on this is refreshingly bold.
GG: I BELIEVE YOU WILL FIND THAT AS REFRESHING BOLDNESS GOES I AM SIMPLY THE BEST THERE IS.
GT: Hehehe! Sure looks that way!
GG: Screw it!
GG: Ask him out.
GG: Just kill the suspense already.
GG: Become boyfriends and such.
GG: Have some babies!!!
GT: Whoa now!
GT: Jane the decision to sire children with your best bro is not one to be taken lightly.
GG: Okay I think I have to go.
GG: I have this stupid game to play.
gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT]


02/22/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Here.
GG: Get this shit out of my face.
TT: But you need it.
GG: Whatever.
TT: Is something wrong?
TT: What were you two talking about?
GG: I don't want to talk about it, and if I did, I sure wouldn't want to talk about it with you!
TT: Should I be offended, or apologetic right now?
TT: Help me out.
TT: You're talkin' to glasses here.
GG: I just want to go to sleep and not wake up forever.
TT: I think I'll just put this card over here on the desk.


02/22/12
"==>"






02/22/12
"==>"



Found her.


02/22/12
"==>"



You just knew you hadn't finished the job.

When it comes to children who ain't quite been offed yet, you've got sixth sense.


02/23/12
"Jack: Finish job."



Hang on. It's this guy. Gotta answer this. He better be bearing news of murdered youngsters.


02/23/12
"Jack: Answer Dignitary."



He says the deceased child count is still sitting at zero over here. You say WHAT? He says that's not all. You wait for him to spill the beans.

He says one of the brats staged a little rebellion on the moon. Stuck the Brute's head on a pike for all to see. Real black eye for the kingdom and the Condesce. Press is going nuts with it. Wait. The Brute's dead, you say? He says yes. Dammit. He was one of your best agents. You never really cared for the guy but you admired his brutality. We all did sir, he says. This is getting personal you say. What's the status on these little shits. Where are they now?

He says the Prince flew the coop. And the girl's gone... You say gone what. Rogue? After a little while he says AWOL. The guy doesn't really take a shining to puns and you can't say you blame him. You say you're just going to finish your business here and take the next shuttle to Derse, over and out.


02/23/12
"==>"






02/23/12
"==>"






02/25/12
"Roxy: Emerge from fuck deep in meowcats."



Why did you have to clone so many cats? Why did they all have to breed so much?

Why do they all have to be so friendly???


02/25/12
"Roxy: Proceed to transmaterializer."



You trudge through the fluffy morass in the direction of the mysterious device known as the TRANSMATERIALIZER.

Need to send this dead cat back to mom and get this show on the road.


02/25/12
"==>"



More noises echoing in the distance. Some of the meowcats get nervous and poof up their tails.

It's pretty clear you aren't alone in here. Better make this quick.


02/25/12
"==>"



You never understood what the point of this thing was. It's old and damaged. Whatever is supposed to show up on the screens is blacked out, either due to the damage, or due to this voidey blackout bullshit that seems to follow you wherever you go.


02/25/12
"==>"



Here's the lab's funky appearifier which you used to clone all these cats. You use your other appearifier to make paradox slime from cats, gather and mix the slime in this machine, and crank out the mutant kitties. You can't use the cloning device's native appearifier to make cats, because the target is locked on to your mom. Most of the time the screen is blacked out, so you haven't been able to investigate her past carefully, much to your regret. Or her tragic death, for that matter. Right now the target is locked on to a time from her childhood.

It's a good thing you stopped by. It's reminding you to collect a DNA sample for later, so you can jumpstart this tri generational lolonde family reonion that's apparently supposed to happen.


02/25/12
"Roxy: Appearify."






02/25/12
"==>"



Looks like, as expected, trying to appearify your mother as a kid from the past would have created a paradox, so her paradox slime is the result. But QUITE unexpectedly, bringing her scarf along for the ride seems to have created no conflict, and you swiped it right off her neck! Young mom probably has no idea what the hell just happened to her scarf. This is so exciting!

You are SO gonna wear that thing, you don't care HOW mom-gooey it is.


02/25/12
"Roxy: Collect sample."



You stow the kidmomgoo in one of your captchalogue bottles.

Wait...

That was kind of a weird implementation of your modus. You're not even sure what happened there. Oh well, whatever. You guess you can go just... sort of...

Pick it up?


02/25/12
"Roxy: Go just sort of pick it up."



You go just sort of pick it up and that works fine. Now about that totes baller scarf.


02/25/12
"Roxy: Wear the scarf. Be the Rider."



You can't be the rider because in this universe the pony is too small for some reason. Not that being the rider ever really made much sense in the first place. Anyway, the scarf looks great, and you made a great decision.


02/25/12
"Roxy: Get to that transmaterializer."



This is probably the most perplexing device in the lab to you. It seems to be a sort of appearifier/sendificator hybrid. But it uses a massive amount of power, far more than the simpler appearifier uses. Sending Frigglish home should nearly deplete its entire fuel gauge. You have no idea what could possibly account for the extra power consumption. There are many other puzzling things about it. You don't know what the deal is with that frog up there. Or the strange cracked disc symbol, or the arrow which is locked firmly on the B1 side. It's all completely meaningless to you. The only things that make sense are the fuel gauge, the two big buttons, and the coordinate panels indicating where and when to target.

But it looks like the panels have been damaged somehow since the last time you looked at it. If you changed them, there'd be no telling what you would change them to, so you might as well not bother and leave them on their previous setting. Which was pretty much your plan anyway.


02/26/12
"Roxy: Deploy Frigglish."



You bust open a bottle of dead cat on the pad and get a little teary eyed as you say one last goodbye.

Oh, hello, GCat. Come to pay your respects, huh?


02/26/12
"==>"



The GCat unceremoniously washes a paw with his omnipotent green tongue. Nothing to say there buddy? No remorse at all?

This is all his fault of course. Even though he probably didn't mean to get him killed. At least you think he didn't.

D'aw who are you kidding. You can't stay mad at cats.


02/26/12
"==>"



Others gather around to bid farewell to their common ancestor. This is probably the closest he will ever come to receiving a proper funeral.


02/26/12
"Roxy: Send him home."



A mutant kitten does the honors, intentionally or otherwise. Bon voyage, friend.


02/26/12
"[S] Frigglish: Fast forward to Jaspersprite."



And that was pretty much how all that happened.


02/27/12
"Jaspersprite: Say hi to everybody!"



What do you think this is, Act 6 Intermission 2??

That'll be happening pretty soon, don't worry. Let's all try to settle down here.


02/27/12
"==>"



That's that, you guess. Hey...

Where did all the cats go? GCat, did you do something pointlessly mischievous again??

Wait, there are a few hiding behind the equipment there. Looks like something has scared them all off...


02/27/12
"==>"



More clank noises behind you. You pretend not to notice...

And slowly...

Calmly...

Reach for your...


02/27/12
"Roxy: Turn around."



FREEZE MOTHERFUTHER!

* MOCKERFUCKER!

* SHIT!!!


02/27/12
"==>"



Sure are a lot of them today. They must be getting more desperate.


02/27/12
"Roxy: Fire!!!!!"



You can't do it. They may be dangerous, but you know they're only looking for food.

You have this awful feeling these guys sneak in here now and then to hunt for cats. Best not to think about it, really.

Gotta figure out some other way to get out of this jam!


02/28/12
"Roxy: Solicit GCat for assistance."



Maybe he's in one of his arbitrarily helpful moods?

What do you say there, friend? Little help?


02/28/12
"==>"



God dammit, GCat.


02/28/12
"==>"






02/28/12
"Roxy: Run!!!!!"



You hoof it back to the window on the double. The famished ruffians are in hot pursuit!


02/28/12
"Roxy: Jump in."






02/28/12
"==>"






02/28/12
"==>"






02/28/12
"==>"






02/28/12
"==>"






02/28/12
"==>"



What the shit?


02/29/12
"==>"






02/29/12
"==>"






02/29/12
"==>"






02/29/12
"==>"






02/29/12
"==>"






02/29/12
"==>"






02/29/12
"==>"






02/29/12
"==>"






02/29/12
"==>"






02/29/12
"==>"



COUNT SOM-E WOOLB-EASTS BITC)(


03/01/12
"Dirk: Examine fenestrated plane."



This thing just appeared out of thin air. Did someone sendificate it to you? Or is it that damn cat again, up to his tricks?

It looks like it's one of Roxy's. Maybe she knows what's up. You should probably ask her.


03/01/12
"Dirk: Ask Roxy."



She doesn't respond. Must be busy with something. Probably just goofing off and drinking up a storm as usual.

Looks like it'll have to wait anyway. Someone's messaging you.


03/01/12
"Dirk: Answer."



|PESTERLOG|
undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering timaeusTestified [TT]

uu: HELLO DIRK.
uu: I WANT TO PLAY A GAME.
TT: Oh mother fuck.
uu: WHAT DO YOu SAY??
uu: tumut


03/01/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: What game?
uu: YOu KNOW WHAT GAME.
uu: THE ONE WHERE I SAY. I'M GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOu SOME DAY.
uu: AND THERE'S NOTHING YOu CAN DO ABOuT IT?
uu: JuST SOME MORE MENACING SHIT LIKE THAT.
uu: ALL JuST BuNDLED uP IN THE PRETENSE OF A LOT OF uSELESS FuCKING PuZZLES.
TT: Oh, right.
TT: That game.
TT: And here I thought you were going to ask me to draw you more weird porn for some reason.
uu: WELL. THE NIGHT IS STILL YOuNG. SO WHO KNOWS?
uu: BuT NAH. I WAS JuST DROPPING BY AGAIN TO SAY HOW I'M GONNA KILL YOu. THAT'S ALL.
uu: AND THIS IS JuST ASSuMING YOu DON'T ALL DIE BEFORE I GET THE CHANCE TO PuZZLEMuRDER YOu. ON ACCOuNT OF YOu BEING A BuNCH OF HIDEOuS FuCKuPS.
uu: I MEAN LOOK AT THIS.
uu: YOu ALREADY BLEW IT.
TT: Blew what?
uu: ON DERSE.
uu: YOu uPSET THE ORDER. DIDN'T YOu.
uu: YOu WENT AND PISSED OFF THE WITCH?
uu: NOW THEY'RE GOING TO HuNT YOu DOWN DuDE!
uu: THEY'RE PROBABLY ON THEIR WAY. TO KILL YOu RIGHT NOW.
TT: I'm pretty well hidden on Derse. I doubt they'll find me until I'm ready to be found again.
uu: NO. NOT ON DERSE. ON YOuR PLANET. EARTH??
uu: YOu'RE PRETTY FuCKING EASY TO FIND THERE. DON'T YOu THINK?
uu: OH YES. YOuR AGGRESSORS ARE COMING FOR YOu. I HAVE SEEN IT.
uu: IN FACT. THEY ARE PROBABLY ALREADY HERE.
TT: Yeah.
TT: Well, I was expecting as much.
TT: It's kind of why I was on my way to the roof just now.
TT: Until I was interrupted by this window appearing, and then by you.
TT: Maybe I should try plugging it in?
uu: OH MY GOD. WHO CARES?
uu: IT'S JuST SOME MORE POINTLESS TRASH FOR YOu TO OBSESS OVER, AND DISTRACT YOu FROM GETTING ANY ACTuAL RELEVANT SHIT DONE.
uu: THE AMOuNT TIME YOu PEOPLE WASTE. IT IS FuCKING uNBELIEVABLE TO ME.
uu: I READ ABOuT SOME OF THE THINGS YOu AND YOuR PREDECESSORS HAVE DONE. FAR MORE THAN I CARED TO. TRuST ME.
uu: AND EVERY TIME. I'M ALWAYS JuST...
uu: *GET THE FuCK ON WITH IT ALREADY.*
TT: I didn't think you were much of a historian.
uu: I'M NOT.
uu: SHE SENDS ME SO MuCH BuLLSHIT ABOuT THIS. YOu DON'T EVEN KNOW.
uu: SHE WANTS TO HEAR WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. LIKE EXCHANGE THEORIES AND SHIT. AND I HAVE TO JuST BE LIKE *BITCH I DON'T GOD DAMN CARE!!!*
uu: EVERY TIME.
uu: BuT IT DOESN'T MATTER. WHAT'S THE NEXT THING I INVARIABLY FIND ON MY TERMINAL?
uu: ANOTHER GOD DAMN WALL OF TEXT.
uu: ALL COLOR CODED AND FORMATTED FOR ME TO READ. AND EVERYTHING.
uu: JuST WALLS AND WALLS. OF CANDY ASSED TOOTY FRuITY FuCKING SHIT. LOADS. OF. TEXT.
uu: OF PEOPLE BABBLING MOSTLY.
uu: WE ARE TALKING ABOuT MIGRAINE INDuCING DIARRHETIC VERTICAL SuICIDE DROPS OF uGLY FuCKING WORDS.
uu: IMPENETRABLY ASININE RAINBOW FREEFALLS OF FRIVOLOuS BANTER. GOT IT?
uu: SO I SAY. WHAT IS THIS? I TOLD YOu IF YOu SENT ME ANY MORE FAN FICTION I WOuLD FLY TO PROSPIT AND MuRDER YOu IN YOuR SLEEP. WHICH I STILL MIGHT DO *REGARDLESS*. BuT ANYWAY.
uu: SHE SAYS THESE ARE ACTuAL ANCIENT TRANSCRIPTS!
uu: I'M LIKE. WELL FuCK.
uu: HOW CAN THESE PEOPLE TALK SO MuCH.
uu: I FEEL LIKE I'M PICKING uP SOME BAD HABITS FROM YOu WINDBAGGING PISSFACES.
uu: LOOK AT THIS. I WASN'T EVEN GONNA GO OFF LIKE THIS.
uu: THIS WAS SuPPOSED TO BE JuST. AN IN AND OuT FuCK YOu.
uu: I'M SO DONE HERE.
uu: ANYWAY. LATER. YOu HORSEPORKING TWIT.
TT: Wait.
TT: Just one thing before you go.
TT: Your sister was saying you were having some doubts about playing.
TT: Is that true?


03/02/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
uu: SHE'S NOT MY SISTER.
uu: WE DON'T GOT SISTERS. IT'S NOT A THING. DON'T DRAG uS THROuGH YOuR NASTY HuMAN FAMILIAL MuD.
uu: OF COuRSE I'M GOING TO PLAY. I WAS JuST SAYING I WOuLDN'T. YOu KNOW. TO FuCK WITH HER AND MAKE HER CRY.
uu: LIKE I HAVE A CHOICE. BuT TO PLAY.
uu: HOW ELSE AM I GOING TO GET OFF THIS DESOLATE ROCK?
uu: YOu THINK I WANT TO STAY HERE? JuST HANG AROuND. TIL I JOIN THE HuNDRED BILLION CORPSES FERTILIZING THE SOIL?
TT: I see.
TT: No, didn't think so. I was just curious.
uu: HuMAN CuRIOSITY IS CONTEMPTIBLE. SHE SHARES THAT WITH YOu. AND I CAN'T FuCKING STAND IT.
TT: Gotcha.
TT: You sure seem to hate us, but I notice it doesn't stop you from talking to us frequently. Or at least to me.
TT: Surely there must be at least one of our virtues you admire.
uu: YES. AMBITION. THAT'S THE ONLY GOOD ONE.
uu: AND I THINK YOu GOT THAT. WHICH IS MAYBE WHY. YOu'RE THE ONLY ONE I CAN PuT uP WITH FOR ANY DuRATION?
uu: LET'S CALL IT A GRuDGING RESPECT. WHICH IS THE ONLY KIND THAT'S EVEN WORTH A FuCK.
TT: I'll take that as a rare overture of friendship.
uu: NO. DON'T.
TT: So, do you even know how this is going to work?
uu: WHAT.
TT: Your session. Can you even really have a session with only two players?
uu: SHE SAYS YOu CAN. AND SHE LIKES TO THINK SHE'S THE EXPERT.
uu: PERSONALLY? I DON'T CARE.
uu: MAYBE IT'S AGAINST THE RuLES. WHAT WE'RE DOING.
uu: I JuST WANT TO GET IN THERE. AND JuST.
uu: FuCK.
uu: SHIT.
uu: uP.
TT: Yeah.
TT: I sensed that was your plan.
TT: Which is kind of what I'm talking about. How can you win like that?
TT: I thought the point was to cooperate with your coplayers to achieve an objective.
TT: Not compete with them or try to kill them. I don't think we've had one conversation where you didn't express the desire to kill her.
uu: I GuESS WE'LL JuST HAVE TO SEE. WON'T WE?
uu: I THINK THIS IS PROBABLY A DIFFERENT KIND OF SESSION.
uu: ONE WHERE THE PLAYERS FIGHT FOR SuPREMACY. RATHER THAN WORK TOGETHER.
uu: I THINK THAT IT MuST BE THAT WAY.
uu: BECAuSE THAT IS HOW I WANT IT TO BE.
uu: AND IF I WANT SOMETHING TO BE TRuE HARD ENOuGH. THEN THAT MAKES IT SLIGHTLY MORE ABSOLuTELY IRREFuTABLE.
uu: ARE YOu FEELING ME, FuCKER?
TT: Maybe you're right.
TT: But since that's how you feel now, maybe the truth is that the game is challenging you to overcome those feelings?
TT: What if your real quest is to put aside your differences and work together, if you want to both survive, and grow as a person?
uu: NO.
uu: NO. NO. NO.
uu: FuCK THAT SHIT.
uu: HuMAN FuCK THAT SHIT. NOT EVEN ALIEN FuCK THAT SHIT. SO YOu CAN uNDERSTAND BETTER. THE KIND OF FuCKING OF THE SHIT THAT'S GOING ON.
uu: HuMAN FuCK IT SO MuCH. SO HARD, AND SO ANGRILY.
TT: Yeah, I didn't think you'd dig that idea.
TT: Just puttin' it out there.
uu: HOW ABOuT YOu SHuT uP? AND GET ON THE ROOF. AND TAKE YOuR FuCKING PuNISHMENT.
uu: NOW WHERE THE HELL IS YOuR GHASTLY JuJu.
uu: GO GET IT. AND HuRRY uP.
TT: My juju?


03/03/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
uu: THE LOATHSOME FALSE PERSON. WITH THE FLOPPY LIMBS. IN DERSITE ATTIRE. YOu LIKE TO NAP WITH.
TT: Oh, Lil Cal? No, man.
TT: Lil Cal is the shit.
uu: THAT THING IS NOT THE SHIT.
uu: IT IS AN uNCANNY GRINNING MOCKERY. A BAD OMEN. YOu SHOuLD CHOP IT uP AND BuRN IT.
TT: No way, dude. He's my best friend.
uu: HOW FuCKING SAD IS THAT??
uu: I'M JuST TRYING. FOR ONCE. AND THE ONLY TIME EVER. TO BE HELPFuL.
uu: THOSE THINGS.
uu: YOu DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.
TT: A kickass ventriloquist doll?
TT: I've been given reason to believe it once belonged to my bro.
uu: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. WHAT YOu BELIEVE.
uu: THERE'S ONLY ONE REASON FOR THOSE TO EXIST.
uu: IT IS TO TuRN THE LIFE OF EVERYONE WHO OCCuPIES THE SAME uNIVERSE WITH IT.
uu: INTO A NIGHTMARE.
TT: Is that one of your alien folk stories?
uu: YES.
uu: BuT IT ALSO.
uu: IS TRuE.
uu: GET RID OF IT.
TT: You could argue that my life is already kind of a nightmare, so there's no point in getting rid of him now.
TT: Either way, I'm gonna hang on to him.
uu: YOu STuBBORN FuCK.
uu: FINE.
uu: MAYBE IT DOESN'T MATTER.
uu: MAYBE YOuRS IS uNTAINTED? I DON'T KNOW.
uu: COuLD BE. ITS EYES LOOK...
uu: DEAD TO ME?
uu: MAYBE YOu LuCKED THE FuCK OuT. WITH YOuR PARTICuLAR JuJu.
TT: I honestly had no idea you were this superstitious.
TT: You're a pretty fascinating guy, in a way. I can't really figure you out.
TT: In case you're wondering why I put up with you more than my friends do.
uu: I WASN'T.
uu: NOW ARE YOu GOING TO GO GET IT.
uu: OR WHAT.
TT: Why do you want me to get Cal so bad?
uu: I DON'T!
uu: JuST THAT. I SAW YOu. SLIGHTLY AHEAD OF NOW.
uu: CLIMBING TO THE ROOF WITH THAT THING.
uu: SO APPARENTLY. IT'S REQuISITE FOR GETTING THE FuCK ON WITH STuFF??
uu: DuMBASS.
TT: Ok. So, some self-fulfilling shit, then. I was hoping for a better reason.
uu: WHATEVER. DON'T TAKE IT.
uu: MAKE A PARADOX HAPPEN. WORKS FOR FuCKING ME.
TT: At this point I'm leaning toward grabbing him just cause he seems to bother you so much.
uu: WELL. I'VE HEARD OF WORSE REASONS FOR ACTING LIKE A STuPID PIECE OF SHIT.


03/03/12
"Dirk: Retrieve juju."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: This is probably a dumb question, but you don't really care about "causal spoilers," do you?
uu: YES. THAT'S uNBELIEVABLY DuMB TO ASK.
TT: Like, you don't mind telling me I'm about to pick up Cal, and thus causing that to happen.
TT: So I guess you similarly wouldn't mind telling us about more significant outcomes?
uu: IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T MIND. IT'S THAT I FAIL SPECTACuLARLY TO GIVE A SHIT.
uu: THERE IS SuCH A BIG DIFFERENCE.
uu: AND THE FACT THAT I MIGHT NOT CLuE YOu INTO YOuR FATE ALL THE TIME.
uu: DuE TO MY AGGRAVATED APATHY OVER THE MATTER.
uu: IS AN IMMuTABLE FACT. I AM STATING FOR THE RECORD.
uu: IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT GIVING A SHIT IS WHAT IS TAKING PLACE HERE.
TT: I feel like you've said something like that before.
TT: Different statements, but in that exact syntax.
uu: OH. YOu KNOW WHAT ELSE I HATE?
uu: WHEN THAT FuCKING HAPPENS.
TT: Wait. You mean it wasn't intentional?
TT: I thought it was kind of like... this thing you were doing.
uu: SHuT uP.
uu: YOu KNOW WHAT?
uu: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. AND I DON'T CARE.
uu: I THINK IT'S REGRETTABLY LIKELY. THAT YOu SuCCEED.
uu: I THINK THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE TEND TO DO. WHEN THEY ARE REGARDED AS LEGENDS BY OBSESSIVE ASSHOLES.
uu: SO MAYBE YOu ALL DIE. OR MAYBE YOu DON'T.
uu: BuT IF YOu DON'T. I'LL TAKE SOLACE IN THE FACT.
uu: THAT IT MEANS I STILL GET THE CHANCE TO KILL YOu.
uu: HOW ABOuT THAT? FOR CAuSAL SPOILERS?
TT: Fair enough.
TT: Hey, you know...
TT: For someone who has such strong opinions about long winded people,
TT: You've kinda been talking my ear off. I do actually have shit to do.
uu: uGH.
uu: YEAH.
uu: SEE HOW YOu PEOPLE SuCK ME INTO YOuR BuLLSHIT?
uu: I SHOuLD HAVE KEPT IT BRIEF. AND SuRLY. LIKE I WAS GOING TO.
uu: LIKE JuST SAID.
uu: "HELLO DIRK."
uu: "I WANT TO PLAY A GAME."
uu: AND THEN LIKE.
uu: "BRO."
uu: "ROOF. NOW."
uu: "BRING JuJu."
uu: AND THAT'S IT.
uu: YEAH. THAT WOuLD HAVE BEEN GOOD.
uu: COLD FuCKING BLOODED. TO THE POINT. DAMMIT.
TT: That actually sounds familiar too.
TT: Are you sure you haven't said something like that before?
uu: HAVE I?
uu: FuCK. I DON'T KNOW. WHATEVER.
TT: Anyway, let's wrap this up.
TT: You've stolen enough of my time. I didn't even get a chance to try plugging in that window.
uu: I DID YOu A FAVOR. ANOTHER POINTLESS ACTION STRICKEN FROM THE TIMELINE.
TT: Hang on.
TT: Something's happening.


03/03/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
uu: THE DRONES HAVE COME A KNOCKING. I TOLD YOu.
uu: THEY'RE COMING FOR YOu MAN! HAHAHA.
uu: LATER DOuCHE.
uu: TUMUT
TT: I think...
TT: You just had a flipoff malfunction, there.
uu: SHIT.
uu: uH.
uu: tUMUt!
TT: That's better.
undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering timaeusTestified [TT]


03/03/12
"==>"






03/03/12
"==>"






03/03/12
"Roxy: Abscond."






03/03/12
"==>"






03/03/12
"==>"






03/03/12
"==>"



Oh, right. These guys.

Not out of the frying pan yet!!!


03/03/12
"Roxy: Run!!!!! Again!!!!!"



Everybody out of the god damn way. You got a lab full of cats, a skirt full of scamper, and a head full of vodka.


03/03/12
"==>"






03/03/12
"Roxy: Hide!!!!!"






03/03/12
"==>"



PHWEW.

For the time being, it seems you are safe from punky looking fish aliens and cat hungry chess bandits. But now what?


03/04/12
"==>"






03/04/12
"==>"






03/04/12
"Jane: Examine pre-punched card."



You have no idea what you're looking at here. What are you supposed to do with THIS?

Oh well, might as well get started. It's not like there's anything left to do besides embarrass yourself over Pesterchum some more. You've already done enough of that today to last a lifetime.


03/08/12
"[S] Jane: Enter."






03/09/12
"==>"



END OF ACT 6 ACT 2.


03/10/12
"ACT 6 INTERMISSION 2"



Hold still, Slick.


03/10/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



God dammit. Will you quit fidgeting and drink your milk?


03/10/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



It's warm and nutritious. Fresh from the butler's teat. You JUST watched me milk it.


03/10/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



Oh for fuck's sake. You are impossible.


03/10/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



MS. PAINT!!!

Is that soup ready yet? He's being a dick.


03/10/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



Also can you bring some gauze? He stabbed me again.


03/10/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



It was one of his more tentative stabbings though... I think maybe he meant it as sort of a thank you?


03/10/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



Nope. Wait. He just stabbed me again. I don't think that one was a thankstab. It was more like just a regular stab.


03/10/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



I probably should have confiscated his knife before I gave him these super fast robot arms. My god he is frisky with those things.


03/10/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



Hey put that down. I said settle your ass down. Where's the gratitude, Slick? I am waiting on you hand and foot here. Where do you think you are, Butler Island? You know what? FUCK Butler Island. You just died and went to Butler fucking Heaven. I see that knife. Yeah, that one. You're not fooling anyone.


03/11/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



If you don't calm down, I'm going to repair your other eye. You know, the one you refused to let me fix, because you thought the eye patch looked cool? I'll do it!


03/11/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



Ms. Paint, what is taking so long with that soup?! This is a man in sore need of his scottie dogs if I ever saw one.


03/11/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



MS. PAINT ARE YOU LISTENING??????


03/11/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/11/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/11/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/11/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/11/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/12/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|PESTERLOG|
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION.

CCG: I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY DOING THIS MEMO BULLSHIT AGAIN.
CCG: I GUESS I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.
CCG: I JUST NEED TO AIR OUT SOME SHIT WITH SOMEBODY, AND EVERYONE HERE HAS THEIR HEADS SO FAR UP THEIR NOOKS I WANT TO SCREAM LOUDER THAN I USUALLY DO.
CCG: THEIR TROLL NOOKS *AND* HUMAN NOOKS, WHATEVER THE HELL A HUMAN NOOK EVEN *IS*.
CCG: YOU KNOW?


03/12/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|PESTERLOG|
CCG: HEY, ARE YOU THERE?
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 10 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.
CCG: OH...
CCG: HEY
FCG: I CAN'T
FCG: I JUST CANNOT
FCG: *FUCKING*
FCG: ***BELIEVE***
FCG: I HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL THIS BULLSHIT AGAIN WITH YOU/ME.
FCG: WHAT THE FUCK MADE ME THINK THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA???
CCG: DUDE, WHAT'S WITH THE TEXT?
FCG: UUUUUGH.
FCG: WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME!
FCG: I JUST HAVE THIS INCREDIBLE PREMONITION YOU'RE ABOUT TO ANYWAY.
CCG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW WHY YOU CHANGED YOUR TEXT RED!
CCG: WE DON'T DO THAT. THE SHOWY, SELF-ABSORBED "PAINT YOUR TEXT IN YOUR BLOOD COLOR" THING. OR EYE COLOR, OR WHATEVER.
CCG: IT'S FOR ATTENTION-GREEDY, INSECURE LOSERS.
FCG: SURE IS!
CCG: HMM.
FCG: ?????? <- SARCASTIC WONDER.
CCG: I'M JUST THINKING
CCG: THIS REALLY MAKES OUR CONVERSATIONS EASIER TO READ.
CCG: REMEMBER THOSE INSANE BLOCKS OF GRAY ANGRY TEXT WE USED TO WRITE TOGETHER.
CCG: WHAT WAS THAT
CCG: LIKE HALF A SWEEP AGO ALREADY?
CCG: IS IT WEIRD THAT I'M ACTUALLY LOOKING BACK ON ALL THAT INSANITY WITH A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF FONDNESS?
CCG: AT LEAST SHIT WAS HAPPENING.
CCG: IT'S SO BORING OUT HERE. AND LIVING WITH THE HUMANS IS JUST GETTING KIND OF
CCG: WEIRD.
CCG: ANYWAY, THIS IS ACTUALLY A LOT MORE DECIPHERABLE. MAYBE YOU'RE ON TO SOMETHING.
FCG: WELL HEY, CHECK IT OUT: SHIT JUST GOT NOSTALGIC.
FCG: LOOK AT THAT, I'M FEELING MORE SENTIMENTAL ABOUT THIS MORONIC CONVERSATION ALREADY.
CCG: OK, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GO FROM ZERO TO DOUCHE LIKE IN THE BLINK OF A FUCKING GLANCE NUGGET.
FCG: THE BLINK OF A GLANCE NUGGET?? I'VE BEEN AT THIS FOR TEN MINUTES ALREADY. AND COUNTING!
CCG: I JUST THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN ON TO SOMETHING WITH THE RED TEXT. I WAS TRYING TO PAY YOU A COMPLIMENT YOU ANTAGONIZING FUCK.
CCG: I MEAN, WE ONLY EVER GOT IN THE HABIT OF TYPING IN GRAY TO HIDE OUR BLOOD COLOR, RIGHT?
CCG: AND LIKE, 1) EVERYBODY KNOWS IT NOW, IT WAS THE WORST KEPT FUCKING SECRET EVER, AND 2) EVEN IF THEY DIDN'T, IT'S JUST US HERE, AND OBVIOUSLY WE'VE BOTH ALREADY KNOWN IT ALL OUR LIVES
CCG: UNLESS WE'RE BOTH SO NEUROTIC WE ACTUALLY STILL WANT TO ACT LIKE ITS A SECRET WE'RE KEEPING FROM EACH OTHER...
CCG: BUT I'D LIKE TO THINK THE DAYS OF THAT ASTOUNDING DEGREE OF MENTAL ILLNESS ARE BEHIND US!
FCG: (I WANT TO KILL MYSELF, BUT I CAN'T UNTIL THE CONVERSATION RUNS ITS COURSE. THIS IS THE WORST HELL IMAGINABLE.)
CCG: SHUT THE FUCK UP. THAT'S THE EXACT KIND OF MELODRAMA I'M TALKING ABOUT, WE'RE BETTER THAN THAT NOW MAN.
CCG: I'M GONNA DO THE *MATURE* THING HERE: AND SWITCH MY TEXT TO RED.
CCG: THERE. I THINK THIS SHOULD BE THE UNIVERSAL CONVENTION FOR WHEN TWO OF THE SAME PEOPLE ARE TALKING TO EACH OTHER.
CCG: ONE GUY BITES THE BULLET AND TALKS IN RED.
CCG: SERIOUSLY, ONE OF US HAS TO BE THE GROWN UP HERE.
FCG: OH! I GET IT NOW.
FCG: WHEN I TYPE IN RED, IT'S SHOWY AND INSECURE, BUT WHEN YOU DO IT, YOU ARE SHOULDERING THE PRAGMATIC BURDEN OF A MARTYR, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS *MY* FUCKING IDEA TO DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE TEN MINUTES AGO!
FCG: YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
CCG: OK!!! GOD DAMMIT, STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE. I FUCKING APOLOGIZE.
FCG: CAN YOU JUST TALK ABOUT YOUR STUPID FEELINGS ALREADY SO WE CAN GET THIS NIGHTMARE OVER WITH.


03/12/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|PESTERLOG|
CCG: WELL LOOK, IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THIS LOPSIDED THING WHERE I SPILL ALL MY FEELINGS INTO IDIOTSPACE WHILE SOME SHIT HEAD YELLS AT ME.
CCG: I WAS KIND OF THINKING THERE WOULD BE SOME GIVE AND TAKE, SINCE YOU PRESUMABLY SHARE A LOT OF MY THOUGHTS??
FCG: OK WHATEVER. JUST SAY SOME STUFF ALREADY. ALL THAT SHIT I SAID TEN MINUTES AGO.
FCG: I WILL "RIFF" WITH YOU AND SOMEHOW PRETEND IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE I'M REHASHING A BUNCH OF LINES WRITTEN IN BARELY DRIED INK!!!
CCG: OK
CCG: WELL
CCG: I'M HAVING A HARD TIME EVEN PUTTING MY THOUGHTS INTO WORDS ABOUT THIS BIZARRE TREK THROUGH THE RING.
CCG: AT FIRST IT WAS JUST BLAND AND UNEVENTFUL. BUT THAT WAS KIND OF A RELIEF, REMEMBER?
CCG: NOT HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING KILLED ALL THE TIME, OR TRYING TO RALLY A BUNCH OF UNCOOPERATIVE TROOPS TOWARD AN IMPOSSIBLE OBJECTIVE.
FCG: YEAH.
CCG: BUT THEN
CCG: AS IF IT WASN'T ENOUGH THAT SOMETIMES WE VISIT THESE CRAZY DREAM BUBBLES WHEN WE GO TO SLEEP...
CCG: WE STARTED PHYSICALLY PASSING THROUGH THEM TOO.


03/12/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|PESTERLOG|
CCG: LIKE I THINK I COULD HANDLE IT BETTER IF IT WAS JUST ONE THING OR THE OTHER.
CCG: LIKE *ONLY* THE MONOTONOUS DAY TO DAY DRUDGERY ON THE SAME GLOOMY FUCKING METEOR WITH THE SAME BUNCH OF RIDICULOUS PEOPLE, AND BASICALLY NOTHING TO DO EVER EXCEPT GET ALL UP IN EACH OTHER'S BUSINESS.
CCG: OR *ONLY* A SWEEPS LONG SAFARI THROUGH AN EPHEMERAL REALM OF GHOST MEMORIES AND DEAD FRIENDS SHITTING AROUND IN A HAPHAZARD EXISTENTIAL CLUSTERFUCK.
CCG: BUT HAVING TO DEAL WITH BOTH, IN TOTALLY RANDOM INTERVALS?
CCG: IT'S KIND OF TAKING ITS TOLL.
FCG: "I HEAR YOU MAN."
FCG: THAT WAS WHEN I WAS SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT.
FCG: BUT FOR THE RECORD, I GUESS I MEANT IT.
CCG: YEAH.
CCG: I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG.
CCG: I MISS ALL OF MY DEAD FRIENDS A LOT.
CCG: EVEN THE ASSHOLES! I MISS THEM TOO. MAYBE EVEN ESPECIALLY THEM, IN SOME PERVERSE WAY.
CCG: AND I SHOULD BE RELIEVED THAT THEY ALL SEEM TO BE HAPPY IN SOME WAY, EVEN IF IT'S BY FLOATING NEBULOUSLY THROUGH DREAM PROJECTIONS WITH THEIR FREAKY BLANK EYES.
CCG: AND I GUESS I AM RELIEVED ABOUT THAT.
CCG: BUT AT THE SAME TIME IT'S LEFT ME UNSETTLED.
CCG: FOR REASONS I CAN'T REALLY PUT MY FINGER ON.


03/12/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|PESTERLOG|
FCG: I KNOW WHY.
CCG: YOU DO?
FCG: YEAH.
CCG: WELL OF COURSE YOU DO.
CCG: I GUESS BECAUSE I JUST TOLD YOU TEN MINUTES AGO, MAKING IT LIKE A SELF-FULFILLING EPIPHANY??
FCG: WELL THERE'S THAT
FCG: BUT ALSO THIS CONVERSATION HELPED CLARIFY SOME THOUGHTS TOO, IN SPITE OF ITS EXCRUCIATING POINTLESSNESS.
FCG: PART OF WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU ABOUT THIS IS WHAT IT MEANS ABOUT MORTALITY.
CCG: YEAH
CCG: I THINK THAT'S PART OF IT.
CCG: AFTER VISITING WHO KNOWS HOW MANY DREAM BUBBLES
CCG: AND HANGING OUT WITH WHO KNOWS HOW MANY DEAD FRIENDS, AND *COPIES* OF DEAD FRIENDS FROM ALTERNATE TIMELINES...
CCG: I START TO WONDER, DOES DEATH EVEN REALLY MEAN ANYTHING?
CCG: DID LIFE MEAN ANYTHING, FOR THAT MATTER??
CCG: WAS THE POINT OF LIFE TO JUST GO AROUND COLLECTING A BUNCH OF PAINFUL AND AWKWARD EXPERIENCES TO SUPPLY MATERIAL FOR THE REVOLVING MEMORY-COLLAGE THAT SERVES AS THE BACKDROP TO A MUCH LONGER, EMPTIER STRETCH OF EXISTENCE?
CCG: AND HOW UNNERVING IS IT RUNNING INTO OUR DEAD DOPPELGANGERS FROM DOOMED TIMELINES?
FCG: HEY, YOU'RE PREACHING TO THE CHOIR, BRO.
CCG: IT'S FUCKED UP.
CCG: NEVER MIND WHAT IT MEANS ABOUT A PERSON'S IDENTITY OR SENSE OF SELF, OR WHICH GUY GETS TO BE CONSIDERED "THE REAL GUY" OR PHILOSOPHICAL BULLSHIT LIKE THAT.
CCG: JUST ON THE LEVEL OF WHAT YOUR DECISIONS AND ACTIONS DURING YOUR LIFE ACTUALLY MEAN.
CCG: SOMETIMES WE RUN INTO THESE VERSIONS OF OURSELVES WHO REACHED GOD TIER FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
CCG: BUT IN SPITE OF BEING *MORE* SUCCESSFUL THAN WE WERE, BY THAT PARTICULAR OBJECTIVE MEASURE
CCG: THEY GET PUNISHED FOR THAT, BECAUSE IT WASN'T "THE THING THAT NEEDED TO HAPPEN"??


03/13/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|PESTERLOG|
FCG: PRETTY MUCH.
CCG: SO WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE US?
CCG: IF WE ARE TO TAKE SOME LESSON FROM THAT, WHAT IS IT!
CCG: "TRY TO BE GREAT AND SUCCESSFUL, BUT MAYBE NOT TOOOO GREAT AND SUCCESSFUL?"
CCG: OR MAYBE DON'T TRY AT ALL IN SOME CASES! BECAUSE IF YOU DO, SOME GIANT FUCKING SQUID IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE IS GOING TO BE LIKE, NOT SO FAST, MY HIDEOUS MONSTER PLANS BEG TO DIFFER.
CCG: DON'T YOU THINK WE'D HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF IF WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT ANY OF THIS DREAM BUBBLE SHIT?
FCG: WELL.
FCG: YEAH.
FCG: THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING TEN MINUTES AGO.
FCG: BUT NOW I DON'T EVEN KNOW.
CCG: YEAH, WELL AT LEAST YOU'RE LISTENING. EVEN IF YOU WERE BEING YOUR USUAL SHITTY SELF ABOUT IT.
CCG: NOBODY ELSE EVEN GETS THIS, THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.
CCG: LIKE TEREZI?
CCG: IT USED TO BE THAT SHE WOULD AT LEAST HUMOR EVEN MY MOST LUDICROUS, VITRIOLIC GARBAGE ALL THE TIME.
CCG: REMEMBER THOSE DAYS?
CCG: WAY BACK BEFORE WE EVEN KNEW WHAT A HUMAN WAS.
CCG: BACK ON ALTERNIA WHEN MY BIGGEST FEAR WAS IF PEOPLE FOUND OUT I WAS A MUTANT. HOW QUAINT CAN YOU FUCKING GET?
CCG: I WAS AN IDIOT NOT TO UNDERSTAND HOW GOOD THINGS WERE BACK THEN.
CCG: BETWEEN US.
CCG: NOW IT'S LIKE...
FCG: SDJS;ALSKJFSA;JK
CCG: WHAT?
FCG: THIS PART OF THE CONVERSATION.


03/14/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|PESTERLOG|
CCG: OH GET OVER YOURSELF, OUR TEN MINUTES IS ALMOST UP.
CCG: I WOULD JUST LIKE TO KNOW.
CCG: IS SHE PUNISHING ME FOR SOMETHING?
CCG: I DON'T NEED TO REMIND YOU HOW MUCH TIME SHE SPENDS GALLIVANTING AROUND THE METEOR WITH YOU KNOW WHO.
FCG: NO YOU SURE AS FUCK DO NOT.
CCG: AFTER ALL THIS TIME I *STILL* CAN'T TELL IF SHE'S SERIOUS ABOUT THAT, OR DOING IT TO FUCK WITH ME.
CCG: WHAT DO YOU THINK? IS THERE SOMETHING LEGITIMATELY RED GOING ON THERE?
CCG: HOW CAN I COMMAND SUCH ABSOLUTE MASTERY OVER THE ROMANTIC SCIENCES YET REMAIN PERPLEXED BY THIS???
CCG: MAYBE I CAN'T GET A READ BECAUSE HE'S NOT A TROLL, AND THEREFORE HAS NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK HE'S DOING?
CCG: IT'S LIKE TRYING TO DECIPHER AN INTRICATE COURTSHIP PROCESS BETWEEN AN ATTRACTIVE POTENTIAL MATESPRIT, AND SOME SORT OF VEGETABLE.
CCG: LIKE IT DOESN'T COMPUTE.
FCG: FUCK, THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING LISTENING TO THIS, MAKE IT STOP.
CCG: QUIET, I'M TALKING.
CCG: I JUST FEEL LIKE MAYBE I'M PAST THE POINT OF NO RETURN WITH HER.
CCG: WHERE BEFORE THERE WAS MARGIN FOR ERROR, PROBABLY WAY MORE THAN I EVER DESERVED.
CCG: AND NOW THAT'S IT. SHE'S TOTALLY HAD IT, AND THERE'S A NEW DUDE WITH CANDYBLOOD IN TOWN.
CCG: HE'S JUST GOT IT ALL, DOESN'T HE? HE'S A MUCH BETTER ARTIST THAN I AM, FOR ONE THING.
CCG: AND HIS HORNS ARE SO NUBBY, THEY DON'T EVEN EXIST! TALK ABOUT HITTING THE JACKPOT.
CCG: AM I OFF BASE??
FCG: WE JUST WENT OVER THIS.
FCG: I DIDN'T GET IT THEN BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY WHINING AND FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF LIKE YOU'RE DOING NOW SO PIPE DOWN AND LISTEN.


03/14/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|PESTERLOG|
FCG: YOU'VE BEEN SENDING HER AN ENDLESS STREAM OF MIXED SIGNALS FOR AS LONG AS YOU'VE KNOWN HER.
CCG: OH BULLSHIT.
FCG: LIKE FUCK IT'S BULLSHIT.
FCG: IT'S ALL TOO CLEAR TO ME NOW. IT'S A CLASSIC CASE OF QUADRANT VACILLATION, AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT.
FCG: NO WONDER SHE WAS FRUSTRATED AND GOT FED UP WITH YOU.
CCG: THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS.
FCG: IS IT?? TELL ME, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU TREATED HER IN A WAY THAT COULD BE OBJECTIVELY CONSTRUED AS A FORM OF BLACK SOLICITATION?
CCG: THAT'S JUST
CCG: NO, THAT'S HOW WE'VE ALWAYS ROLLED TOGETHER. IT'S LIKE
CCG: SPIRITED PLATONIC CONTENTION.
CCG: TOTALLY NORMAL TERRITORY IN A HEALTHY MATESPRITSHIP.
FCG: YEAH, A *HEALTHY* ONE, NOT ONE INVOLVING A DEMENTED LOUDMOUTH WHO CAN'T KEEP HIS SHIT UNDER CONTROL.
FCG: LET ME ASK YOU, HOW MUCH OF THAT ANIMOSITY IS INNOCENT "PLATONIC RAGE"?
FCG: COULD IT BE THAT SUBCONSCIOUSLY YOU WANT TO PUSH THINGS WITH HER ONTO CALIGINOUS TURF, MAYBE SEE HOW THINGS WORK OUT THERE?
FCG: SEE IF YOU CAN HAVE YOUR GRUB, AND CULL IT TOO??
FCG: THAT WAY YOU HAVE HER ALL TO YOURSELF!
CCG: FUCK YOU.
FCG: YOU WANT HER IN EVERY QUADRANT LIKE A DESPERATE FOOL.
FCG: DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE BECOME? YOU ARE THE SAD JOKE CHARACTER IN THE ROMCOM, YOU KNOW THE GUY I'M TALKING ABOUT.
FCG: WHO'S GREEDY AND INDISCRIMINATE ABOUT FILLING EVERY QUADRANT, TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS TO IT, AND IN THE END HAS FUCKALL TO SHOW FOR IT.
CCG: I DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS.
FCG: YOU KIND OF DO, FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER TEN MINUTES.
CCG: NO, FUCK THAT, I'M SO DONE WITH YOU.
FCG: YEAH, YOU PRETTY MUCH ARE, BECAUSE THE TEN MINUTES ARE ABOUT UP, AND I'LL BE GONE.
FCG: THEN IT'LL JUST BE YOU AND THE OTHER GUY, SPINNING YOUR GLOBES TOGETHER LIKE A COUPLE STUPID PIECES OF SHIT, AD INFINITUM.


03/14/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|PESTERLOG|
CCG: MAN, I MUST HAVE BEEN INSANE TO THINK ANYTHING IS DIFFERENT.
CCG: YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED AT ALL, YOU'RE JUST AS PETTY AND HORRIBLE AS EVER.
CCG: FUCK YOU FOREVER. FUCK EVERY TEN-MINUTES-AHEAD VERSION OF MYSELF ALL THE WAY INTO TEN-MINUTE-FUCKING-ETERNITY.
FCG: I CAN'T EVEN DO THIS, NOT ANY MORE.
CCG: YEAH, WELL YOU MADE YOUR COCOON, PAL. NOW WE HAVE TO TAKE TURNS SHITTING IN IT, TOGETHER. IT IS THE MOST PATHETIC, SMELLIEST DANCE OF ALL.
FCG: HMM.
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK IS IT NOW?
FCG: IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME
FCG: THIS DUMB TANTRUM I THREW
FCG: THIS ENTIRE BAD MOOD...
FCG: IT WAS JUST ANOTHER IDIOTIC SELF-FULFILLING REACHAROUND WASN'T IT.
CCG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??
FCG: I MEAN, WHERE DID THIS EVEN COME FROM?
FCG: IT WAS LIKE SPONTANEOUSLY GENERATING SELF-LOATHING WITH NO DISCERNIBLE SOURCE.
FCG: WAS THIS EMOTIONAL OUTBURST EVER EVEN REAL?
CCG: OH NO, DON'T EVEN START WITH THAT.
CCG: DO *NOT* START GETTING EXISTENTIAL ABOUT MY ANGER.
CCG: YOU BETTER FUCKING BELIEVE THIS IS REAL.
FCG: ARE YOU SURE, MAN?
CCG: ASLKJSDKLSDLFHJSIKLKLSDGNKL
CCG: YOU CONDESCENDING FUCK.
CCG: HOW
CCG: FUUUUUUUUUUUSDLIHLYUUIFHIERGFSHDJKBGJKSUUUUUCKING
CCG: **********DAAAARE**********
CCG: YOU CALL INTO QUESTION THE LEGITIMACY OF MY FEELINGS, AS IF THEY AREN'T COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED AND TOTALLY 100% GROUNDED IN
CCG: *ABSOLUTE*
CCG: ~*=STONE COLD CONCRETE GOD DAMNED=*~
CCG: **********
CCG: OBJECTIVE.
CCG: MOTHER.
CCG: FUCKING.
CCG: REALITY.
CCG: **********
FCG: YEAH, SEE
FCG: I'VE COMPLETELY SET YOU OFF HERE, AND NOW YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
FCG: SORRY, THIS WAS MY FAULT. I'M GOING TO GO TRY AND CALM MYSELF DOWN.
CCG: OH, SO THIS IS WHY YOU DECIDE TO LEAVE THIS CONVERSATION???
CCG: YOU GOT OWNED, SO YOU HAD TO SLINK AWAY LIKE A FUCKING COWARD??????
CCG: NICE TRY SHIT HEAD, BUT I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU YET. YOU THINK YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN LIST HIS 10-MINUTE-AWAY-SELF'S FLAWS??
CCG: I COULD GO ON FOREVER!
FCG banned himself from responding to memo.
CCG: FINE, GET OUT OF HERE! GOOD RIDDANCE!
CCG: AS IF I COULD TAKE ANOTHER SPONGE WRINGING MINUTE OF YOUR DISINGENUOUS DRIVEL.
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 10 MINUTES AGO opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION.
PCG: I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY DOING THIS MEMO BULLSHIT AGAIN.
PCG: I GUESS I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.
PCG: I JUST NEED TO AIR OUT SOME SHIT WITH SOMEBODY, AND EVERYONE HERE HAS THEIR HEADS SO FAR UP THEIR NOOKS I WANT TO SCREAM LOUDER THAN I USUALLY DO.
PCG: THEIR TROLL NOOKS *AND* HUMAN NOOKS, WHATEVER THE HELL A HUMAN NOOK EVEN *IS*.
PCG: YOU KNOW?


03/14/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|PESTERLOG|
PCG: HEY, ARE YOU THERE?
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCG: FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.
CCG: OH...
CCG: HEY
CCG: I CAN'T
CCG: I JUST CANNOT
CCG: *FUCKING*
CCG: ***BELIEVE***
CCG: I HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL THIS BULLSHIT AGAIN WITH YOU/ME.
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK MADE ME THINK THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA???
PCG: DUDE, WHAT'S WITH THE TEXT?
CCG: UUUUUGH.
CCG: WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME!
CCG: I JUST HAVE THIS INCREDIBLE PREMONITION YOU'RE ABOUT TO ANYWAY.


03/14/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/14/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: hey
ROSE: Sup.


03/15/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: anyone seen terezi around
ROSE: No.
ROSE: Why?
DAVE: we were gonna do a thing
DAVE: but shes not around and not answering my messages
DAVE: on any one of the probably ten thousand computers lying around that they would show up on
ROSE: A thing?
DAVE: yes a thing
ROSE: I see.
DAVE: shut up
DAVE: what about you have you seen her
KANAYA: No
KANAYA: Have You Seen Gamzee
DAVE: are you serious
DAVE: of course not
DAVE: i havent seen that guy at all since the first day we got here
DAVE: not once
KANAYA: Yeah
KANAYA: I Know
DAVE: talk about an elusive juggalo
DAVE: probably like the shyest fuckin juggalo of all time
DAVE: im pretty sure only karkats seen him
DAVE: dont expect him to rat him out either because of the "morail" junk
DAVE: moirail?
DAVE: mwah rail...
DAVE: alien words
KANAYA: I Wouldnt Expect Him To
KANAYA: I Wouldnt Even Ask It Would Be Really Bad Form To Ask Him That
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: i mean i bet you think youre imparting some really obscure cultural fact about trolls
DAVE: but really if a human said to another human
DAVE: "hey man can you tell me where your best clown friend is hiding so i can go chainsaw him to death"
DAVE: just fyi that would probably be bad form too
KANAYA: Okay
DAVE: i dunno its been a year already i think hes really intent on hiding
DAVE: and hanging on to those dead bodies
DAVE: hes probably scared to death of you at this point anyway
DAVE: maybe you should just let it go
KANAYA: Hmm
DAVE: rose back me up
ROSE: I try to stay out of troll interpersonal politics.
DAVE: interpersonal
DAVE: wait
DAVE: are you saying this is like
DAVE: a spade quadrant thing
DAVE: is she trying to be his kismet fish
ROSE: I'm saying no such thing!
DAVE: well if she hates him isnt that what that means
ROSE: Dave, don't be a dick. You're embarrassing her.
DAVE: haha no im not shes cool
DAVE: look shes being cool about it
KANAYA: Im Being Cool About It
DAVE: see????
KANAYA: Its Not Like That
KANAYA: I Just Want To Find Him
KANAYA: And
KANAYA: At Least Wound Him Somewhat
DAVE: yeah see i knew there had to be a perfectly harmless and unerotic explanation
ROSE: (shh!)
KANAYA: No
KANAYA: See Im Explaining This Badly
KANAYA: All Im Saying Is Basically
KANAYA: Just
KANAYA: Fuck That Guy


03/15/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: got it
DAVE: so what are you up to in here
DAVE: whats with all these books
ROSE: Research.
ROSE: We're trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle together.
ROSE: You are aware this meteor has many secret rooms scattered throughout, including libraries, right?
DAVE: hell yeah
DAVE: we looted one of them for the can town project
ROSE: Can Town?
DAVE: i told you about can town didnt i
ROSE: No??
DAVE: well
DAVE: the thing about can town
DAVE: and all there really is to say about can town is
DAVE: its awesome
DAVE: the end???
ROSE: Wow.
ROSE: What a story.
DAVE: fu
DAVE: so
DAVE: what is the point of this research
ROSE: Primarily to gain a more thorough understanding of the situation we'll be entering when we arrive.
DAVE: i thought you pretty much already knew the situation
DAVE: since you can see the future
ROSE: Oh my God.
ROSE: I've told you. I can't see the future!
DAVE: yes you can
DAVE: you totally can
ROSE: Ok. But not all of it. Only certain relevant pieces.
ROSE: It's a bit frustrating when people make that presumption about you.
ROSE: For instance, you are a Knight of Time. Since you have such mastery over time, doesn't that mean you should know everything about the future too?
DAVE: no thats totally dumb
DAVE: i could know things about the future if i time traveled and found out first hand
DAVE: nobodys mistaking that about me im a time traveler not a fuckin fortune teller its simple as shit
ROSE: Right. So there are significant limitations on what you can know, governed by certain rules.
ROSE: That's how it is for a Seer too.
DAVE: ok whatever
ROSE: But I will say that I have been able to use these abilities to assist with research.
ROSE: I can treat my finite glimpses as an additional source of information.
ROSE: If you combine that with the knowledge we've gathered from these texts, and things we've learned from our various encounters with the deceased, with a bit of inference and deduction, a more detailed picture is coming into focus.
DAVE: nice
ROSE: Do you want to hear about it?
DAVE: uh
DAVE: now?
ROSE: Yes.
ROSE: Why not? It's been a year.
ROSE: It seems like all we've done on this trip so far is indulge in lavish interior decoration projects and screw around with mysterious "Can Town" initiatives, which may or may not be consuming valuable library resources as building materials.
ROSE: We could make at least some effort to squeeze in annual briefings on our objective.
DAVE: yeah that would be pretty legit of us
ROSE: I think you'll find that when it comes to striving for a reasonable approximation of legitimacy, we are simply the most barely adequate there is.
DAVE: ok i didnt really catch any of that bullshit cause i wasnt listening
DAVE: im gonna make myself a cup of coffee and get primed to listen to you saying a lot of stuff like that
DAVE: do you want some
ROSE: Um. Sure.


03/15/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: kanaya?
KANAYA: No Thank You
DAVE: ok
DAVE: ...
DAVE: this fuckin thing
DAVE: where did you even unearth this piece of shit from


03/16/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: oh ok there it goes
DAVE: two hot revitalizing cups of shitty coffee
DAVE: fresh out of the weird pod
DAVE: why do we even drink this shit
DAVE: i guess just cause this thing is here
DAVE: like somehow the temptation is even stronger because the coffee sucks?
DAVE: dunno how the fuck that works
DAVE: wish there was such a thing as apple juice on troll world
DAVE: could go for a bottle of aj
DAVE: i wonder if theres any booze squirreled away on this meteor
DAVE: kinda feels like we should be drinking our asses off here
DAVE: no adults nothing to do
DAVE: thats what you do without adults right
DAVE: get wasted all the time?
DAVE: wait what the fuck am i saying trolls dont even have adults
DAVE: well they do
DAVE: but theyre all in outer space being insane badasses
DAVE: i guess they do have the stupid nanny monsters
DAVE: do the monsters give a shit if they get wasted
ROSE: Are you talking to us?
DAVE: what
ROSE: We can't even hear you mumbling over there.
DAVE: oh
ROSE: How's that coffee coming?
DAVE: off the shit is how
DAVE: all being like
DAVE: in cups and everything
ROSE: Be sure it makes it to the table before it accumulates that strange unctuous film on the surface.


03/16/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: so whats with the big book youre writing in
DAVE: is that more wizard fan fiction
ROSE: No, it's something like an extensive journal.
ROSE: I'm recording everything we've been through so far, and detailed notes on everything we know about the game.
ROSE: I'm also using it to document our research, and extrapolate on the new session and players.
DAVE: so its like
DAVE: your nigh unreadable gamefaq
DAVE: in tome form
ROSE: Somewhat.
DAVE: you sure like to write big game guides
ROSE: I don't look at it that way.
ROSE: I'm approaching it from a standpoint of responsible historical documentation.
ROSE: Don't you think people in the future will want to know about our story?
DAVE: i guess
ROSE: I think it could be a very useful resource some day.
ROSE: It could be helpful to others beginning their own quests.
DAVE: ehh
DAVE: chances of that seem pretty remote
KANAYA: I Really Wouldnt Rule It Out
DAVE: ok totally sold on that suddenly
DAVE: on account of not caring
DAVE: so tell me about the new session
DAVE: what is there to know
DAVE: and most importantly
DAVE: how is everything going to go wrong this time
ROSE: From what I understand, everything already has gone wrong before the game even started, in many different ways than ours did.
ROSE: There are indications of thicker political intrigue. Assassination attempts. And a usurpation of the throne more insidious than what we dealt with.
ROSE: But those examples still don't illustrate the fundamental fault with their session.
ROSE: Ours had a similar fault. It was a null session.
ROSE: Literature on the subject says null sessions are actually very common.
ROSE: It is any session resulting in failure, and as such, designed to result in failure from the start, due to Skaia's comprehensive "knowledge" of its own fate, and that of all it illumines.
ROSE: Biologically speaking, it's to be expected that null sessions far outnumber the successful ones. When it comes to reproductive systems, overwhelming redundancy is commonplace.
ROSE: A universe has a reproductive system that spreads many seeds, as it were, most of which never come to fruition. So we shouldn't feel too bad about our results, really. It was quite par for the course.
ROSE: But then, it would also seem that exceedingly few null sessions result in the birth of a massive green star fueled by two dead universes. For what it's worth.
DAVE: ok but i thought the whole point of this
DAVE: the scratch thing
DAVE: is it gave us a chance to still win
DAVE: but youre saying the new session has a fault too?
ROSE: Well, yes. There's more to it though.
ROSE: The new session is essentially our session, rebooted with different parameters which also affected the original conditions of our universe.
ROSE: And strangely, it seems the new one is a null session as well, but within a much less common subset of all null sessions.
ROSE: This one is referred to as a void session.


03/16/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: ok
DAVE: which is what
ROSE: It's very simply a session in which nothing is prototyped before entry, at all.
ROSE: Hence, by Skaia's preemptive all-knowing and its influence on the rest of the incipisphere, there are not even any towers on Prospit or Derse built to receive the split kernels.
ROSE: See?
DAVE: weird
DAVE: why would these alt universe players fuck up in such an obvious and stupid way
ROSE: I don't know what specifically led to the failure to prototype anything.
ROSE: But it doesn't really matter. As I said, the session was designed this way before they began playing. Any efforts to prototype may have been in vain regardless. Possibly subject to sabotage.
DAVE: didnt you say at some point that not prototyping anything would be really bad
ROSE: Yes.
ROSE: It's just another way to create an infertile session. Though by a less catastrophic and bloody route we took to achieve the same result.
ROSE: By contrast, it leads to a rather harmless, uneventful session. Underlings remain unaugmented, and so does the royalty.
ROSE: And while this may sound advantageous to the players, it's a curse in disguise. The lack of prototypings which keeps adversaries unevolved has the same influence on the battlefield.
ROSE: Without successive prototypings, the battlefield will never reach its final form, which must be fertilized to grow a new universe.


03/16/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
ROSE: Instead, it remains in its most basic form, stuck in eternal stalemate.
ROSE: There is nothing players in a void session can do to change this. They are resigned to live out the rest of their days in a dead end session.
DAVE: still waiting to hear how this is in any way an improvement on all the shit we just escaped from
ROSE: It's a vast improvement.
ROSE: The new session is a blank slate, without a ridiculously short time limit for victory like ours had.
ROSE: There will be no time limit at all, in fact.
ROSE: Once we arrive, ostensibly that is when the nature of the session will change.
ROSE: It won't be classifiable as either a null or void session anymore. It will be something which, as far as I can tell, is unique.
ROSE: The fully matured battlefield from our session can be used to make the new one viable. The path to success will be made possible by a combination of efforts and assets from both iterations.
ROSE: Usually scratched sessions are absolute resets, and involve no direct influence from the first attempt at all. I can't find any precedent for our situation.
DAVE: jade has our battlefield right
ROSE: Yes.
DAVE: so she shows up and drops it in skaia
DAVE: and then we take the result of all that damn frog breeding we did and stick the thing in there somehow
DAVE: and we sit back and wait for it to do its huge ribbit or whatever
DAVE: and were golden
ROSE: Pretty much.
ROSE: As long as there is an actual vacancy in the center of Skaia when we get there.


03/16/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: is that going to be a problem
ROSE: I don't think so.
ROSE: Even if it were, it would be a trivial obstacle.
ROSE: But as it is, I think the forces opposing these players are clandestinely working toward the same goal as we are.
ROSE: From what I can tell, gestures of antagonism, while certainly posing legitimate danger, have been factored in as critical stepping stones to one destination shared by all parties.
ROSE: I don't know why this is, or what the motives are yet.
ROSE: The appearance is one of clear sailing ahead, but traces of conspiracy are everywhere.
DAVE: ok but
DAVE: conspiracies aside
DAVE: did it ever really look like clear sailing to you
DAVE: thats not what i was seeing
DAVE: we are going to arrive and then soon after jack is going to show up
DAVE: and then we have to beat him right
DAVE: so there kind of is a time limit


03/16/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
ROSE: Yes, we will have to deal with Jack before all is said and done.
ROSE: And that will definitely be a major challenge.
ROSE: But it is not impossible. At least, not by design.
ROSE: When I said there would be no time limit in this session, I was talking about something more specific.
ROSE: There will be no reckoning.
DAVE: oh
DAVE: why not
ROSE: It's a logical consequence of any void session.
ROSE: The battlefield never evolves, and therefore the more extensive war between Prospit and Derse never takes shape.
ROSE: It is only when the Prospitian king falls in battle that the reckoning can be initiated by the forces of Derse.
ROSE: The meteors then rush to destroy the battlefield, while Skaia redirects them through defense portals for as long as it can.
ROSE: Thus, if there is no war, there is no reckoning, no meteors, and no imminent threat of failure.
ROSE: This is of course good news for Earth as well. During the reckoning, Skaia redirects all incoming meteors to the only place it can. Earth.
ROSE: So it turns out that players who initiate a void session are not actually condemning their home planet to an apocalyptic wasteland after they leave.
ROSE: In the new instance of our universe, Earth is just fine.
ROSE: Sort of.
DAVE: so
DAVE: no meteors came at all
DAVE: you mean by fucking up and having to scratch we also sort of saved earth in the process
ROSE: Again: sort of.
ROSE: And it's not that there were no meteors whatsoever.
ROSE: Just the vast majority of the destructive onslaught never showed up.
ROSE: But delivering the temple to the site of the forge is still integral to jumpstarting the session.
ROSE: That meteor however could have been propelled through a portal by any means, not just via the reckoning.
DAVE: i see
DAVE: what about the players themselves
DAVE: they had to arrive on meteors too didnt they
DAVE: i guess the baby meteors were some exceptions too right
ROSE: Yes.
ROSE: But they weren't flung through portals in their own session, nor will they be created there.
ROSE: They were created in our session, and sent back through our portals. Just like us.


03/16/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: ................
ROSE: To understand what happened, it really helps to understand exactly what a scratch is.
ROSE: When John severely damaged the Beat Mesa on your planet, and sent it off to Skaia to release its temporal energy there, you could view it as a kind of "request."
ROSE: We were asking Skaia to change everything at a fundamental level, and we gave it the energy to do so.
ROSE: But Skaia is a very passive entity. It only "knows" and "sees," but it never quite "acts."
ROSE: When it is asked to change everything, there is only so much it has control over.
ROSE: In fact, it has control over exactly one thing. The defense portals.
ROSE: It can decide to send important meteors to different points in time than originally planned, thus creating alternate realities.
ROSE: Offshoots of promise, rather than futility.
ROSE: And it turns out the most important meteors of all tend to be the ones delivering the young players to their planet.
ROSE: So all it has to do to change everything is tweak their destination times a bit.
ROSE: All internally-prompted changes in the post-scratch universe are decided entirely by this modest adjustment to the parameters.
ROSE: It's a very simple concept, actually.
ROSE: Yet the consequences are dramatic. It results in not only a hard reset for the session, but a partial reset for the universe too, due to the many causal entanglements between a session and its originating universe.
DAVE: what do you mean tweak the destination times
DAVE: where did they get sent to
ROSE: A variety of different time periods.
ROSE: The simplest way to way to look at it is to picture the original destinations of our two groups of four ecto-babies...
ROSE: And switch them.
DAVE: what
ROSE: Though this is just a slight oversimplification.
ROSE: While it's roughly true, Skaia had some peculiar whims this time.


03/16/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
ROSE: While most landed in time periods corresponding with the original group,
ROSE: It seems that two of the new players arrived four centuries ahead of everyone else.
ROSE: For some bizarre reason.
DAVE: uh
ROSE: But they're still apparently able to communicate with their coplayers through I guess some Trollian-like technology, and they're still able to establish game connections with the others. So this stands as an odd but not otherwise terribly significant detail.
DAVE: so
DAVE: uh
DAVE: in this alt universe group of us and
DAVE: them
DAVE: which ones are the actual players
ROSE: I'll give you a hint.
ROSE: It isn't us.
DAVE: fuck
DAVE: why did i know that was gonna be the answer
ROSE: And to think that usually I'm the one accused of knowing the future.
DAVE: i dunno if im ready to process the ramifications of this bullshit


03/16/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
ROSE: You would find it less disconcerting if the players were alternate versions of us?
DAVE: man
DAVE: at least im used to dealing with alt daves
DAVE: ive been fuck deep in alt daves before
DAVE: its a goddamn delight if you want to know the truth
DAVE: but i dont even know what to think about...
ROSE: What?
ROSE: Meeting a deceased figure of authority as a peer?
DAVE: lets not even talk about it ok
DAVE: can we slow down this meteor
DAVE: delay the meetup
DAVE: maybe fight jack for a little while
ROSE: I honestly thought you would find the idea exciting.
ROSE: I know I'm looking forward to it.
DAVE: but your mom was just a nice alcoholic spinster who liked wizards who you complained about for no reason
DAVE: she wasnt anything like an untouchable master of irony who could replace the meat in your sandwich before it even occurred to you what the fuck you were chewing
DAVE: let me ask you this did your mom ever wiggle a puppet in your face even ONCE
ROSE: Not that I recall.
ROSE: But anecdotes like that just make me more curious to meet him, personally.
DAVE: fine well you can be on bro duty then
DAVE: ill be the ambassador to your mom
DAVE: and no that wasnt actually meant as the sick burn it sounded like
ROSE: She's your mom too, though.
DAVE: yeah i know
DAVE: ill be the ambassador to my mom then
DAVE: that sounds pretty stupid when i say it that way
DAVE: whatever
DAVE: ill be the fuckin one man welcome wagon for the john and jade teen old people and also our mom thats the plan
DAVE: so when we finally see them we can get our shit into formation like trained acrobats
DAVE: like ill blow a whistle and we make a human pyramid got it
DAVE: that way we can totally avoid anything awkward
ROSE: You do realize we've seen her already, right?
DAVE: what
DAVE: when
ROSE: Months ago.
ROSE: In a dream.
ROSE: She was floating along in Derse pajamas, asleep.
DAVE: wait that was her
ROSE: Yes.
DAVE: oh
DAVE: huh
DAVE: .....
ROSE: You're wondering why I didn't tell you?
DAVE: no
ROSE: You're specifically wondering why I wasn't forthcoming with an answer to your question at the time, "hey who was that choice babe in the pajamas?"
DAVE: god fucking dammit
ROSE: You don't find it nostalgic at all?
ROSE: Retracing the steps of some of our Freudian semi-blunders in conversations past?
DAVE: no what a load of shit
DAVE: stuff said between you and me before we knew we were related
DAVE: we both know that was a lot of horseplay bullfuckery between like smartass 10 year olds or whatever
DAVE: you cant seriously have taken any of that seriously
ROSE: ;)
DAVE: ugh dont ever do that
DAVE: all these fuckin
DAVE: momtraps and sistertraps
DAVE: what a joke i hope skaia gets to have a good laugh over shit like this
DAVE: wait i forgot skaia doesnt laugh it just "sees" and "knows"
DAVE: its like a huge blue perv thats mad jazzed for kidcest
KANAYA: What Are You People Even Talking About
ROSE: ;)
DAVE: dont you wink at her
DAVE: kanaya heres a protip that wink meant jack dick shes just being weird
KANAYA: I Feel As Though This Conversation Has Utterly Outmaneuvered My Constructive Involvement
KANAYA: Im Going To Go
DAVE: yeah im pretty much ollying outie too
DAVE: got some shit to attend to
DAVE: after you


03/17/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
KANAYA: Augh
KANAYA: Why Does That Always Happen
KARKAT: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE GODDAMN WAY.
KARKAT: I GOT A LAB FULL OF HUMANS, A MOUTH FULL OF YELLING, AND A TORTURED PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE FULL OF TOTALLY HYSTERICAL EMOTIONS AND UNAIRED GRIEVANCES AT PRACTICALLY EVERYBODY.
DAVE: karkat is broken guys
KARKAT: YEAH
KARKAT: OK HOLD ON
KARKAT: IF I CAN SETTLE DOWN A TICK I SHOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE MORE SENSE SHORTLY
KARKAT: JUST ONE...
KARKAT: *huff huff*
ROSE: Maybe you should lie down on the couch.
KARKAT: FUCK...
KARKAT: *wheeze*
KARKAT: NO
DAVE: dude what is the matter with you
KARKAT: WOW OK
KARKAT: THAT WAS A PRETTY TERRIBLE ENTRANCE.
KARKAT: ANYWAY
KARKAT: WHERE WAS I.


03/17/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: dunno but i was just leaving
KARKAT: NOT SO FAST STRIDER, THIS HEAVILY CONCERNS YOU.
KARKAT: IT CONCERNS YOU EXCLUSIVELY IN FACT.
KARKAT: WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?
DAVE: just stepping out to do a thing
DAVE: which is not your business
KARKAT: LIKE MY INFLAMED QUAKING GALLSPHINCTER IT'S NOT.
KARKAT: TELL ME, ARE YOU BY ANY CHANCE GOING TO HAVE SOME COMPANY WHEN YOU STEP OUT TO DO THIS "THING?"
KARKAT: NOTICE THE TWO HEAVILY DRAMATIZED "ENCLOSURE TALONS" SURROUNDING THAT WORD, WHICH I AM SCORNFULLY PANTOMIMING WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS, AS PRESENTLY BEING DEMONSTRATED FOR YOU.
DAVE: yeah sure
KARKAT: OH??
KARKAT: WHO WOULD THAT BE MAY I ASK?
DAVE: well
DAVE: probably the mayor
DAVE: hes usually down for whatever
KARKAT: I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE FUCKING MAYOR, AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT.
DAVE: hey dont be saying shit about the mayor
DAVE: the mayor rules hes like my best fucking friend
KARKAT: HE'S NOT A MAYOR. HE'S THE MAYOR OF FUCKSTICK JUNCTION LOCATED SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF PRETEND ASS NOWHERE.
DAVE: hes a mayor you douche his thing says mayor
KARKAT: IT SAYS "MAYO" AND HE WROTE THE "R" HIMSELF.
KARKAT: HE'S AT BEST A MAYO. AND WHO EVER HEARD OF A MAYO? IT'S EVERY BIT AS IMAGINARY AS HIS IDENTITY AS AN ELECTED OFFICIAL.
DAVE: no mayo is like grub sauce but without grubs
KARKAT: WHO THE FUCK EVER HEARD OF GRUB SAUCE WITHOUT GRUBS??? WHAT'S IT MADE OF THEN GENIUS!
DAVE: like
DAVE: uh
DAVE: i dunno its white and it just sort of exists
DAVE: you dont ask about mayo thats not what you do with mayo
KARKAT: ISN'T IT FUNNY HOW QUICKLY YOUR BULLSHIT UNRAVELS WHEN SOMEONE INTELLIGENT ACTUALLY HOLDS YOU ACCOUNTABLE??
KARKAT: YOU ARE FUCKING BUSTED STRIDER.
KARKAT: YOU ARE BUSTED ABOUT "MAYO" AND YOU ARE BUSTED ABOUT TEREZI.
DAVE: hahaha you are pathetic
DAVE: this is why you all stormed in here out of breath
DAVE: what did you actually sprint all the way across the meteor to tell me this
KARKAT: WHAT I DO WITH MY LEGS AND HOW FAST I MOVE THEM IS MY BUSINESS YOU SHIT.
DAVE: yeah and what i do with mine is mine
DAVE: watch me make them make me leave
KARKAT: I SAID STAY YOUR ASS PUT, WE'RE TALKING HERE.
DAVE: dude dont touch my cape
DAVE: ...
DAVE: huh
KARKAT: WHAT
DAVE: i cant believe i seriously just said dude dont touch my cape to somebody and was serious about it


03/18/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
KARKAT: OK, LOOK I'M NOWHERE NEAR YOUR PRECIOUS STUPID CAPE. JUST LISTEN.
KARKAT: BEFORE YOU GO OFF TO SNOG TEREZI IN YOUR IDIOTIC LITTLE VILLAGE OF NUTRITION CYLINDERS, HEAR ME OUT.
DAVE: man
DAVE: you are so overblowing this
KARKAT: BUT I DON'T THINK THAT I AM!
DAVE: yeah you are
DAVE: you have some idea about us or what were getting up to
DAVE: so weve done a few things together to pass the time so what
DAVE: i dont even think you could call them dates or anything
DAVE: what the fuck would even qualify as a date on this gross dark meteor
KARKAT: DAVE, CAN WE JUST CUT THE SHIT?
KARKAT: I AM NOT AN IMBECILE. YOU ARE BOTH PLAINLY TIPPING INTO FLUSHED TERRITORY IRRESPECTIVE OF ENVIRONMENTAL FACTORS OR WHATEVER LAME CONDITIONS IT IS HUMANS BELIEVE TO BE OPTIMAL FOR PURSUING A MATESPRITSHIP.
KARKAT: ANYONE CAN SEE THAT, IT'S THE SHITTIEST KEPT SECRET ON THIS METEOR. PROBABLY EVEN THE FUCKING MAYOR GETS IT, AND LET'S FACE IT, HE'S A LITTLE SLOW.
KARKAT: DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD PULL THE WOOLBEAST MATERIAL OVER THE EYES OF A HARDENED VETERAN OF ROMANTIC STUDIES?
DAVE: we have one of those???
KARKAT: I HAVE SEEN THOUSANDS OF TROLL ROMANCE FILMS, EACH DEALING WITH TOPICS FAR MORE SUBTLE AND COMPLEX THAN YOUR PEDESTRIAN HUMAN MIND COULD EVER GRASP.
KARKAT: AND IN CASE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN, I'VE ALREADY WATCHED HUNDREDS OF YOUR MORE PRIMITIVE BUT MODERATELY ENTERTAINING ROMANCE FILMS.
KARKAT: REMEMBER HOW I DOWNLOADED A FUCK TON OF THEM AFTER DISCOVERING YOUR SPECIES? I AM A CURIOUS MAN, DAVE, YOU COULD LEARN FROM ME.
DAVE: yeah i remember
DAVE: havent you only watched a bunch of shitty dane cook movies on infinite loop since we left
KARKAT: YOU'RE SEVERELY EXAGGERATING, BUT YES I HAVE SAMPLED HIS WORK.
DAVE: dude
DAVE: you know youre only pretending to be a huge fan of his bullshit to piss me off
KARKAT: AGAIN LOOK AT HOW SELF ABSORBED YOU'RE BEING!!!
KARKAT: I HAPPEN TO THINK HE HAS A BRILLIANT COMEDIC MIND, FOR A HUMAN.
DAVE: hrnngngnngghhhh
DAVE: it turns out that exact sentence is my one weakness
DAVE: you win bro you got your girl back
KARKAT: OH SHUT UP.
KARKAT: I AM NOT HERE TO DEBATE YOU ON THE FINER POINTS OF CINEMA, OR TO "GET MY GIRL BACK."
KARKAT: HOW DESPERATE DO YOU THINK I AM?
KARKAT: I'M ACTUALLY HERE TO DO THE OPPOSITE.
KARKAT: I WANTED TO TELL YOU I'M TOTALLY OK WITH IT.
DAVE: oh
DAVE: ok then
KARKAT: BUT JUST LISTEN, AND TRY TO KEEP AN OPEN MIND. I KNOW THAT'S HARD FOR YOU.
KARKAT: HERE, PLEASE TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.


03/18/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: oh no
DAVE: what the hot mess of fresh fuck am i looking at
KARKAT: IT'S AN ALTERNIAN ROMANCE NOVEL.
KARKAT: NOW LOOK, I'M NOT VOUCHING FOR THIS PARTICULAR PIECE OF LITERATURE. IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY TRASHY AND IF YOU'RE INTERESTED I COULD RECOMMEND MUCH BETTER THINGS TO YOU.
KARKAT: IT'S JUST THIS ONE ILLUSTRATES THE CONCEPT VERY CLEARLY.
DAVE: what...
DAVE: "concept"
KARKAT: IT'S A PRETTY TYPICAL CASE OF QUADRANT VACILLATION AS APPLIED TO AN OVERLAPPING GROUP OF ROMANTIC PAIRINGS.
DAVE: you lost me at quadrant
DAVE: for future reference thats the word that always lets me know its time to check out of a sentence
KARKAT: WILL YOU PIPE DOWN AND JUST HEAR ME OUT.
KARKAT: IT'S REALLY SIMPLE. THINK OF IT AS BEING SIMILAR TO ONE OF YOUR PRIMITIVE HUMAN LOVE TRIANGLES.
KARKAT: THOUGH THIS IS A QUADRANGLE. THOSE ARE MUCH MORE COMMON IN OUR SOCIETY AND ENTERTAINMENT, AND FOUR IS PRETTY MUCH THE MINIMUM VALUE FOR LOVE-HATE N-DRANGLES.
DAVE: n drangles
DAVE: god dammit
KARKAT: NOW HERE IS WHAT'S ACTUALLY GOING ON WITH THIS GROUP OF CHARACTERS. PAY ATTENTION. HEY, LOOK AT ME. EYES OVER HERE. GOOD.
KARKAT: SEE THE TWO HEROES IN THE MIDDLE, PARTAKING IN THEIR FLUSHED EMBRACE? PRETTY MUCH YOUR TYPICAL LOWBLOOD REDROM PAIRING. THEIR DYNAMIC IS THE GRUBLOAF AND TUBER PASTE OF THE OVERALL ARC.
DAVE: .........
KARKAT: BUT WHAT HAVE WE HERE? THERE ARE SOME NEFARIOUS HIGHBLOODS IN THE PICTURE TOO. THIS IS WHERE IT GETS INTERESTING.
KARKAT: THE GUY ON THE LEFT IS AN OLD CALIGINOUS FLAME FROM THE MALE LOWBLOOD'S PAST, AND HAS REENTERED THE PICTURE. AGAIN, NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY. HE CAN CONTINUE TO COURT HIS MATESPRIT AND KISMESIS WITHOUT CONFLICT. IT'S A PERFECTLY AMICABLE ARRANGEMENT THAT EVERYONE'S TOTALLY DOWN WITH.
DAVE: what is that huge beefcake troll even doing
DAVE: is he grinding against the little dudes shoulder what is even going on
DAVE: why the fuck is he nude
KARKAT: NO QUESTIONS YET.
KARKAT: SO THEN THAT'S ALL FINE, PRETTY BOILERPLATE CONDITIONS FOR UNFOLDING ROMDRAMA, BUT THERE'S A TWIST.
KARKAT: THE MALE HIGHBLOOD AND LOWBLOOD START TO HAVE FLUSHED FEELINGS FOR ONE ANOTHER, AND THIS RESULTS IN SOME RED INFIDELITY BETWEEN THE LOWBLOOD PAIR.
KARKAT: OBVIOUSLY THIS IS WHERE THE FIREWORKS START GOING OFF. THE RED FEELINGS BETWEEN THE LOWBLOODS TURN TO BLACK, AND THUS BEGINS WHAT IS REFERRED TO AS QUADRANT VACILLATION.
KARKAT: MEANWHILE THE TWO MALES ARE ALSO VACILLATING BETWEEN RED AND BLACK, BECAUSE YOU DON'T JUST LET GO OF A RIVALRY SO EASILY.
DAVE: what is going on with the other chick
DAVE: all grabbing at the other one down there in the corner
KARKAT: YEAH, WELL, IT GETS EVEN MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT, PROBABLY MORE THAN NEEDED FOR THE SAKE OF MAKING THE POINT.
KARKAT: IN THE HEAT OF THEIR VACILLATION, DURING AN ESPECIALLY BLACK PHASE, THE LOWBLOOD FEMALE WAXES RED FOR A NOTORIOUS AND ESPECIALLY BRUTAL HIGHBLOOD FEMALE.
KARKAT: SO THEY HAVE THEIR THING ON THE SIDE, BUT EVEN THAT STARTS VACILLATING TOO BECAUSE THE ORIGINAL PAIR JUST KEEP SPINNING LIKE A TOP.
KARKAT: WE DON'T NEED TO GET BOGGED DOWN IN THE QUADRANGLE DYNAMIC THOUGH, AND FOR OUR PURPOSES THE 4TH PARTY IS A DISTRACTION.
DAVE: our purposes
DAVE: what the fuck are our purposes
KARKAT: THE THING IS, VACILLATION ALWAYS ADDS A LOT OF DRAMA TO EVERYTHING, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT CAN'T BE VIABLE.
KARKAT: IT CAN TOTALLY WORK, AND EVERYONE CAN BE REASONABLE ABOUT IT, IT REALLY JUST COMES DOWN TO A MATTER OF SENSIBLE SCHEDULING.
DAVE: you must be out of your fucking mind if you think i want to know where youre going with this
KARKAT: DAVE, PLEASE.
KARKAT: JUST READ THE BOOK, OK? IT'S ALL IN THE BOOK.


03/18/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: im not reading that shit
DAVE: i cant even read your stupid troll language why would you think i can
KARKAT: I THINK YOU SHOULD RECONSIDER. I CAN TRANSLATE FOR YOU. I'LL READ THE WHOLE DAMN THING ALOUD IF YOU WANT.
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY, IT COULD REALLY EXPAND YOUR LIMITED HUMAN THINK PAN ON STUFF.
KARKAT: THERE'S A LOT HERE THAT'S APPLICABLE TO OUR SITUATION.
DAVE: there is nothing even slightly applicable about any of that bullshit to our situation
KARKAT: DON'T BE DENSE. OF COURSE THERE IS.
KARKAT: TEREZI AND I HAVE BEEN ON THE VERGE OF VACILLATING LIKE THIS FOR A LONG TIME.
KARKAT: IT'S ABOUT TIME WE KILLED THE SUSPENSE AND JUST ACKNOWLEDGED IT.
KARKAT: YOU AND SHE SEEM BENT ON DEVELOPING SOMETHING IN THE FLUSHED QUADRANT, AND LIKE I SAID, I'M FINE WITH THAT.
KARKAT: IF WE CAN JUST GET OUR SHIT STRAIGHTENED OUT, WE CAN BE LIKE THESE VACILLATING PAIRS THAT ALTERNATE BETWEEN RED AND BLACK, BUT IN A WAY THAT'S COMPLEMENTARY WITH EACH OTHER'S PATTERNS.
DAVE: oh my god
DAVE: why is this happening
KARKAT: LIKE WHILE SHE AND I ARE BLACK, YOU AND SHE ARE RED.
KARKAT: BUT THEN WHEN SHE AND I ARE RED, YOU AND SHE... I DON'T KNOW IF HUMANS ARE REALLY CAPABLE OF BLACK FEELINGS?
KARKAT: I GUESS THAT'S UP TO YOU. MAYBE YOU CAN JUST LIKE, SIT THOSE PERIODS OUT.
KARKAT: LIKE TAKE A BREAK, YOU KNOW?
DAVE: youve completely lost it dude
DAVE: i cant believe for a fucking second this is reasonable shit to propose even on troll world
DAVE: you just
DAVE: totally snapped
KARKAT: SNAPPED LIKE A FUCKING FOX. THIS MAKES PERFECT SENSE.
KARKAT: LIKE I SAID, IT'S JUST A MATTER OF RESPONSIBLE SCHEDULING.
KARKAT: HERE LET ME SHOW YOU.
KARKAT: I NEED SOME PAPER. WHERE'S SOME PAPER.
DAVE: hnnrrghh


03/18/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
KARKAT: LOOK, IT'S PERFECTLY SIMPLE.
KARKAT: HANG ON WHILE I DRAW THE GUIDELINES.
DAVE: oh no
DAVE: no you are NOT making another shipping grid dude
KARKAT: IT'S NOT A SHIPPING GRID.
KARKAT: JUST SOME ROWS AND COLUMNS FOR A SCHEDULE.
DAVE: its a grid youre drawing a goddamn grid
DAVE: im not letting you draw a grid for this stupid shit
KARKAT: COME ON, LOOK HERE. THESE ARE THE DAYS OF THE WEEK.
KARKAT: THEN WE EACH HAVE ROWS FOR THOSE DAYS AND WE CAN DRAW A HEART OR A SPADE FOR ANY GIVEN DAY.
KARKAT: THAT WAY WE KNOW WHAT'S UP IN ADVANCE, AND AVOID UNPLEASANT CONFLICTS.
DAVE: put the fucking pen down


03/18/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
KARKAT: HEY, CUT IT OUT. DON'T TOUCH ME.
DAVE: do not draw a shipping grid
DAVE: do not do it
KARKAT: IT'S NOT A SHIPPING GRID YOU OBTUSE FUCK.
DAVE: this is fucked up put it down
KARKAT: NO.
DAVE: you are not drawing a grid to organize our goddamn dating lives
DAVE: that is some straight up crackpot motherfuckin noise i will not abide
KARKAT: FUCK YOU. LET ME DRAW.
DAVE: stop drawing the shipping grid
KARKAT: *IT IS NOT A SHIPPING GRID*
KARKAT: THIS IS NOT SHIPPING YOU HEINOUS TOOL, THIS IS COMMON SENSE.
DAVE: you will not draw anything that even remotely resembles a grid


03/18/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: do not draw an arrangement of squares or otherwise interlocking polygons
KARKAT: LET GO.
DAVE: you will not draw a spreadsheet for the purpose of allocating time spent with a mutual girlfriend you horses ass
DAVE: that is exactly the shit i do not want to see
KARKAT: LOOK, I JUST DREW A SQUARE.
KARKAT: GET READY TO SEE A LOT MORE OF THOSE!
DAVE: no
DAVE: stop
DAVE: do not draw any additional squares
DAVE: do not draw any quadrilaterals or trapezoids or rectangles or fucking n-drangles and especially as fuck not any god damned rhombuses
DAVE: i dont want to see your lines making any right angles do you understand
KARKAT: IN MY MIND'S EYE I AM PICTURING A BEAUTIFUL LATTICE OF LINES AND COMPARTMENTS, INTERLOCKING WITH SUBLIME PRECISION AT NINETY DEGREE ANGLES.
KARKAT: I IMAGINE THIS MODULAR RETICULATION AS AN ELEGANT VESSEL, IF YOU WILL, FOR THE GRAND SYNTHESIS OF OUR SHARED SHIPPING DREAMS.
DAVE: no
DAVE: that is the perfect example of what you shouldnt be drawing
KARKAT: YES
DAVE: no
KARKAT: FUCK YES
KARKAT: OOH LOOK, ANOTHER SQUARE, SORT OF.
KARKAT: KIND OF WOBBLY! IT'LL HAVE TO DO.
DAVE: no you fuck
KARKAT: WAIT, I THINK IT'S COMING.
KARKAT: HERE IT COMES, MY FIRST "SHIP", IT'S GOING IN THE SQUARE!
DAVE: put the goddamn pen down
DAVE: you piece of shit
KARKAT: HELL NO.
DAVE: yes
KARKAT: WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM??
KARKAT: OW, FUCK.


03/18/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: this is so sick does she even know youre doing this
KARKAT: DOING WHAT??
DAVE: splitting up her time in a grid for your stupid rotating hate date plan
KARKAT: SHE WILL SOON ENOUGH.
DAVE: what a presumptuous sack of shit put the pen down
KARKAT: NO, I'M DRAWING.
DAVE: step away from your dumb ugly scribble grid
KARKAT: GET LOST.
DAVE: youre messing up roses book
KARKAT: YOU SMELL BAD.
DAVE: dont talk to me about rank smells
DAVE: you are the fuckin big man of smellin bad
DAVE: you dominate the paint with your stonk
KARKAT: MY LUSUS BROUGHT THINGS HOME THAT SMELLED MORE APPEALING THAN YOU.
KARKAT: IMPORTANT FACT: 100% OF WHAT HE BROUGHT HOME WAS EITHER A DEAD ANIMAL, OR LITERAL FECES.
DAVE: oh yeah well check it out:
DAVE: you smell like if someone took a dump on a butt
KARKAT: HOW CAN SHE STAND YOU WITH HER SENSITIVE NOSE?
KARKAT: HAVE YOU EVER EVEN WASHED THAT RIDICULOUS OUTFIT?
DAVE: theyre magic fucking pajamas they stay like perma clean or something
DAVE: theyre enchanted and comfy as fuck give me the pen
KARKAT: NO, IT'S MINE NOW. I'M KEEPING IT ON PRINCIPLE.


03/18/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: karkat whoa man what are you doing
DAVE: why are you drawing all these human dicks
DAVE: how do you even know what they look like what have you been watching??
KARKAT: I'M NOT DRAWING THOSE!!!!!!!
KARKAT: YOU'RE MAKING ME DRAW THEM, STOP THAT.
DAVE: no way
DAVE: this book is now like
DAVE: our fight fueled ouija board of cock
KARKAT: ARGH... STOP!
KARKAT: DON'T
KARKAT: NO FUCK
KARKAT: OK NO
KARKAT: YOU DREW THAT ONE
KARKAT: YOU DREW THAT ONE!!!!
KARKAT: DON'T PRETEND YOU DIDN'T!
DAVE: are you sure man
DAVE: thats the spooky thing about penis ouija you can never be sure who did the dicks
DAVE: was it you or me or maybe a ghoooost???
KARKAT: FUUUUUUUCK LET GO OF ME!
DAVE: gimme the pen
KARKAT: NO
DAVE: yes
KARKAT: NO
DAVE: yes
KARKAT: FINE TAKE IT!
DAVE: no
KARKAT: WHAT??
DAVE: were still drawing
KARKAT: LET GO
DAVE: are you kidding this is a fucking masterpiece we have to see this through
KARKAT: I'M TRYING TO LET GO OF THE STUPID PEN BUT YOU WON'T LET ME
DAVE: we are in the shit now
DAVE: we are motherfuckin entrenched in this bitch
KARKAT: YOU CRAZY FUCK
DAVE: were running out of room rose can you turn the page for us
KARKAT: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!


03/19/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
KARKAT: THIS ALTERCATION IS BECOMING UNCOMFORTABLY PHYSICAL, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.
DAVE: what are you talking about
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
DAVE: shut up and draw another penis
KARKAT: YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THE SOCIAL IMPLICATIONS OF ALL THIS HOSTILE TOUCHING AND GRABBING DO YOU???
KARKAT: I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT YOU STRIDER, JUST STEP OFF.


03/19/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: man if you want to look at this that way then thats your business
DAVE: this is just an old fashioned beatdown where im from deal with it
KARKAT: WHY DON'T YOU OLD FASHIONED GO FUCK YOURSELF?
DAVE: stop biting my cape
KARKAT: FUFCK NYOUF.


03/19/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
KARKAT: RAAARARRAAUUUAAAAUUAGHGHGGHGGGGHHGH!
DAVE: shit!


03/19/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/19/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: are you serious
KARKAT: FFMUFFUFFIN
DAVE: dude unreal
DAVE: you are like a cape magnet


03/19/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: hold still
KARKAT: MMMMMMFFFFFUUFFMMMMUFFIN


03/19/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: hup


03/19/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: BOOYEAH


03/19/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
TEREZI: 3V3RYBODY STOP WH4T YOUR3 DO1NG 1MM3D14T3LY!
TEREZI: WH4T3V3R 1T M1GHT B3
TEREZI: 4NOTH3R DR34M BUBBL3 1S 4PPRO4CH1NG R4P1DLY
TEREZI: 3V3RYON3 M4N YOUR ST4T1ONS!
TEREZI: BY WH1CH 1 M34N GO 4BOUT YOUR BUS1N3SS 4S USU4L 1 GU3SS
TEREZI: UNL3SS YOU W4NT TO M33T M3 UP H3R3 4ND CH3CK 1T OUT
TEREZI: OV3R! >:]


03/19/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/20/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JADE: john i really think we are scraping the bottom of the barrel here
JOHN: no way! this game rules.
JOHN: i just never gave it much playing time before because...
JOHN: well, i guess i always had better things to do.
JADE: thats sort of my point!
JADE: where did you even get this?
JOHN: years ago i found it in a store on the bargain rack.
JOHN: it was only a dollar! isn't that awesome?
JADE: :|


03/20/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JADE: i dont really think this is my kind of game....
JADE: but i will play it with you today because it is technically your birthday <3
JOHN: yesss. you won't be disappointed.
JADE: how many people did you get to play this??
JOHN: um, i don't know.
JOHN: i only showed it to a few people, but i guess hundreds are playing it now?
JOHN: nobody is very good at it though.
JOHN: i keep trying to tell the salamanders and chess guys not to cross the streams, but they keep crossing the streams!
JOHN: just between you and me, i think a lot of them aren't very bright.
JADE: why cant you cross the streams?
JOHN: jade, please.
JOHN: it is just something you can't do when you're a ghost buster, because it spells big trouble. everyone knows that.
JADE: :p


03/20/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JOHN: you should hurry up and make a character already, so we can get started.
JADE: im working on it!
JADE: there are so many options
JADE: what kind of ghostbuster should i make?
JOHN: just any old ghost buster! as long as he looks awesome and like he means business.
JADE: hmmmm
JOHN: i will begin organizing our squad.
JADE: what do you have to do?
JOHN: well, first we need buy an old abandoned fire station to use as a headquarters.
JOHN: luckily half the city is composed of abandoned fire stations that are for sale...
JOHN: this game is actually really stupid in a lot of ways, now that i think about it.
JADE: noooooooooo!
JOHN: hey, shut up!
JOHN: i take it back, it's great in every way.
JADE: sure john
JADE: whatever you say
JOHN: ok, now i have to find us a mission.
JOHN: got to hire a sassy secretary...
JOHN: just have to peruse this extensive palette of sarcastic red headed ladies...
JOHN: ok, here is a good one.
JOHN: then we wait for a phone call. this can take anywhere from ten seconds to several hours.
JADE: are you serious?
JOHN: but that's fine!
JOHN: there's lots to do in the station to kill time.
JOHN: like talk to slimer, and...
JOHN: get slimed by slimer.
JOHN: ok, i guess that's pretty much all there is to do.
JADE: what about that fire pole there?
JADE: cant you go down the fire pole?
JOHN: the fire pole is strictly decorative.
JADE: .........
JOHN: are you almost finished making your character?
JADE: yeah i think im done!!!
JADE: im pretty happy with him


03/20/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JOHN: jade.
JOHN: that is absolutely the shittiest ghost buster i have ever seen.
JADE: no way!
JOHN: yes.
JOHN: it is so yes way.
JADE: hes adorable, what are you even talking about?
JOHN: jade, i thought you were going to take this game seriously.
JOHN: that is not a serious ghost buster. no ghost could possibly fear that thing.
JADE: i dont want ghosts to be afraid of him
JADE: i want to make friends with some ghosts if at all possible
JOHN: it is not possible, ghosts are known to be cruel and mischievous.
JOHN: they will not want to befriend your fox man, they will only want to cover him in slime and then fly away.
JOHN: i really think you should consider redesigning him.
JADE: nope. im keeping him :p
JOHN: ok, well, if you want to turn our squad into a fucking joke, then that's your business.
JADE: shut up or ill give him a pink jumpsuit!
JOHN: argh!
JOHN: but seriously, those head swap options are for such noobs, i feel it's only fair to warn you.
JADE: i think i will manage to survive the embarrassment in front of a bunch of salamanders and crocodiles
JOHN: ok, fine.
JOHN: you get a pass, but only because you yourself are a furry.
JADE: thank you
JADE: *snicker*
JOHN: what?
JADE: nothing
JOHN: is someone messaging you through the game?
JADE: hehe
JOHN: who is it?
JADE: pffff!
JOHN: dammit, jade...
JADE: its davesprite, hes playing too
JOHN: oh.
JOHN: don't tell him any of our strategies. he is the enemy!
JADE: we have strategies?
JOHN: um...
JOHN: ok, first, tell him we have strategies. then, don't tell him them.
JADE: hahahahahahaha
JOHN: oh god.
JOHN: what is it now?
JADE: did you know...
JADE: davesprite is a funny guy?
JOHN: meh, he's alright i guess.
JOHN: i give most of his jokes a passing grade. sometimes as high as a solid b+!
JADE: i just told him you said that
JOHN: that's fine, he and i keep no secrets.
JADE: davesprite says to tell you "youre basically welcome for being born 14 years ago and 1 year ago you ungrateful douche"
JOHN: oh, like him taking credit for my existence isn't so old by now!
JOHN: hey, jade...
JOHN: why do you still call him davesprite?
JADE: um
JADE: because he is davesprite?
JOHN: i just call him dave.
JOHN: isn't that easier? i mean, he IS dave after all... right?
JADE: well yeah
JADE: but hes kinda different from dave
JOHN: pshh, he is so not different.
JOHN: dude is just a magical orange dave with wings! and also says caw sometimes.
JADE: i know
JADE: but there are other differences...


03/22/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JOHN: like what?
JADE: its hard to explain
JADE: just some slight differences in personality i guess
JOHN: he still raps sometimes.
JADE: yes...
JADE: so?
JOHN: i just thought i would mention that.
JADE: ok i will admit i cant really tell if his rapping style has changed
JOHN: trust me, it hasn't.
JADE: i dont know if the differences are because he is a sprite
JADE: or because he lived for a while in a different timeline...
JOHN: well, weren't you a sprite before?
JOHN: how different did you feel then?
JADE: i wasnt a sprite!
JADE: my dead dream self was a sprite
JADE: and then i kind of merged with her when i became a god tier
JOHN: oh, right.
JOHN: so...
JOHN: half of you was a sprite.
JADE: i guess?
JADE: its more like im still the me i always was, but inherited some of her memories
JADE: but they are pretty vague
JOHN: do you remember what it was like being jade sprite?
JADE: i remember being dead for a long time
JADE: and making friends...
JADE: mostly trolls
JOHN: oh really?
JOHN: which ones?
JADE: none that we know of now
JADE: that i can remember at least
JADE: they feel like such distant memories, like they were barely real
JOHN: hmm.
JOHN: i have to admit, i am a little disappointed in the dream bubble thing.
JOHN: by the way you were describing it, i really thought we would dream about them on this trip more often!
JADE: yeah me too
JADE: maybe its something about this place were traveling through?
JOHN: i dunno.
JADE: when was the last time you visited one in your sleep?
JOHN: man...
JOHN: that was weeks ago, i think.
JADE: yeah
JOHN: and then, when i do dream about them, it's just kind of weird.
JOHN: either i'm alone in my own memory, talking to figments of my imagination...
JOHN: or i dream about someone we know. like a troll we have talked to, and i get excited.
JOHN: but then it turns out they don't know who i am! it's like a version of them that died before they ever even knew us, and it's just kind of awkward.
JADE: yup
JOHN: and i still haven't seen dave or rose AT ALL.


03/22/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JOHN: have you?
JADE: nope :(
JOHN: yeah.
JOHN: i'm starting to think it's not going to happen. i wonder if we're just not sleeping at the same times?
JADE: i dont think thats it
JADE: for one thing, considering where we are, i dont think theres such a thing as "the same time" for us
JOHN: heh. that's true.
JOHN: do you think the afterlife is just fucking with us, jade?
JADE: maybe...
JADE: but its probably more like the way it used to be with the clouds in skaia
JADE: they didnt always show you things, but when they did they were selective about what they would let you see
JADE: like they would make sure you saw whatever you needed to see to make sure things would go the right way
JADE: i always thought i knew so much, but in retrospect they gave me only a tiny glimpse of the big picture!
JOHN: that is so infuriating!
JADE: i guess!
JADE: it never felt that way when all i was doing was looking up at some clouds
JADE: i was happy to see whatever was there
JADE: but i guess its different in a situation like this
JADE: when you miss your friends, and you kind of wish the dream bubbles would play along
JOHN: yeah.
JOHN: oh well.
JOHN: i guess it's only two more years.


03/22/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JOHN: what do you think they will be like by then?
JOHN: do you think karkat will have driven them all insane?
JADE: heheh, probably!
JOHN: or maybe they will all be better friends with each other than they are with us.
JADE: hmmm
JADE: well look at it this way
JADE: by the end of our trip, will YOU be better friends with a bunch of salamanders than you are with rose and dave?
JOHN: i don't know. there ARE some pretty charming salamanders on this ship.
JADE: that is true
JOHN: but you know what i mean. things have a way of changing.
JOHN: like, have you thought at all about what it's going to be like when you see dave again?
JOHN: i mean, after the way things are going with you and dave sprite?
JADE: umm
JADE: what do you mean the way things are going?
JOHN: jade, please.
JADE: what!
JOHN: *sigh*
JOHN: you are not fooling anyone with your coy shenanigans.
JADE: what has he been telling you??
JOHN: nothing!! do you really think he would talk about any of that with me?
JOHN: there are just some obvious conclusions a guy is going to make about stuff.
JADE: well...
JADE: i guess i dont know whats going on with that
JOHN: hm.
JADE: i really dont!!!
JOHN: alright, fair enough.
JADE: um
JADE: what
JADE: do you think he would think about that?
JOHN: huh?
JADE: the other dave
JADE: i mean
JADE: hypothetically
JOHN: ah HA! so you HAVE thought about it!
JADE: im only wondering because you brought it up!!!!!!
JOHN: yes. yes i did.
JADE: then what do you think?
JOHN: i have no idea. we would probably never find out one way or the other, regardless.
JADE: maybe
JADE: well
JADE: what about you john?
JOHN: what about me even?


03/22/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JADE: remember how you told me how karkat kept sort of trying to set you up with rose?
JOHN: yes.
JADE: you told me this on more than one occasion if i recall!
JOHN: what is your point!
JADE: well, i have kind of wondered to myself if you kept bringing that up because on some level you wanted that to be true...
JOHN: oh man.
JOHN: jade, listen.
JOHN: at this point i could not give less of a rat's ass about romancey stuff!
JOHN: i would rather just play some games, and chill out for several years on this magical flying boat. is that too much to ask?
JADE: not at all! that is perfectly fine
JOHN: when i catch up with our buddies, i'm sure i will give rose a nice, FRIENDLY hug.
JADE: aww
JOHN: whereas i will offer dave a tender bro embrace, and shove karkat down a flight of friendship stairs.
JADE: heheheheh
JOHN: but that is IT.
JOHN: it's all very complicated and bothersome, jade.
JADE: what?
JOHN: you know. matters of the heart.
JADE: *snicker*
JOHN: ok, you may laugh at my choice of words, but it is true.
JOHN: it's really befuddling and distracting when you are on a major quest to make universes out of frogs. who even needs it?
JADE: i guess you have a point
JOHN: like...
JOHN: you remember that troll girl who was sort of into me?
JADE: mm hm
JOHN: well, ok.
JOHN: that seemed like a pretty big deal at the time!
JOHN: it really seemed like she liked me, but also, she was *probably* insane?
JOHN: like, i mean, in a trollish, murderous kind of way.
JADE: yikes
JOHN: but craziness notwithstanding, i didn't really know what to think.
JOHN: i guess i thought she was cool at the time. i was honestly kind of flummoxed about it.
JOHN: but the point is, when all was said and done, that was just some stuff that happened over one day, which was a whole year ago already.
JOHN: i barely even remember what we talked about. by the time we meet up, she probably won't give a shit about me at all.
JOHN: which, let's face it, is probably for the best.
JADE: .....
JOHN: i think we make things more meaningful in our head when they're happening than they really are. like realistically? there were probably a lot of things that went on that day that didn't mean that much.
JOHN: like remember how you said you thought karkat was getting this silly angry crush on you?
JADE: that was just my hunch
JOHN: yeah.
JOHN: i mean, do you really think after three years he is still going to have the rage hots for you?
JADE: i sincerely doubt it
JADE: at least
JADE: i hope not ._.
JOHN: i don't think even he is that crazy.
JOHN: anyway, my point is, who even cares about all that?
JOHN: romance and dating are dumb and boring. we are legendary heroes, and we have bigger fish to fry. like that smug fatass over there on the horizon.
JOHN: he sure looks pleased with himself. just look at him, he thinks he is the undisputed king of that mountain or something.
JADE: that is so outrageous
JOHN: follow me so we can seize the high ground against this hideous ocean dwelling marshmallow man, and steal all of his treasure.
JADE: after you!


03/22/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JASPERSPRITE: Ahem.
JOHN: jaspers, holy shit, another cake?
JASPERSPRITE: :3
JOHN: but there are still all these others we haven't touched.
JOHN: nanna is really baking up a storm today.
JASPERSPRITE: Aheh-heh-heh-heh-heh-hem.
JASPERSPRITE: Meoooooow. <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/musicnote.png" border="0" />
JADE: grrr...
JOHN: jaspers, whoa, what are you doing?
JASPERSPRITE: Meow meow-meow meow meow meeeooooow. <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/musicnote.png" border="0" />
JASPERSPRITE: Meow meow-meow meow MEOW MEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOW. <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/musicnote.png" border="0" />
JOHN: jaspers, no!!!
JOHN: it's fine if you want to sing me the birthday song, but for the love of god, don't MEOW it!!!!!
JOHN: you're going to rile her up!
JASPERSPRITE: Meow meow-MEOW meow meow JO-OHHHHHN. <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/musicnote.png" border="0" />
JADE: grrrrrrrrrrr
JOHN: no jade, come on, PLEASE settle down.
JADE: i cant help it!
JADE: grrrr...
JADE: dammit!
JADE: im really not mad at him, i swear!
JASPERSPRITE: MEOW MEOW-MEEEOOOW MEEOOWW MEOW MEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOW. <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/musicnote.png" border="0" />
JADE: WOOF!!!
JOHN: oh my god.


03/22/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JADE: WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!
JASPERSPRITE: Hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!
JOHN: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!


03/23/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/23/12
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03/23/12
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03/23/12
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03/23/12
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03/23/12
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03/23/12
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03/23/12
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03/23/12
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03/23/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/24/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
MEENAH: hey you
MEENAH: god tier boy
MEENAH: water you doin there blue boy
MEENAH: )(-EY
MEENAH: IM TALKING TO YOU


03/24/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
MEENAH: yes you
MEENAH: the dork in the pajamas
MEENAH: ok the OT)(-ER dork in pajamas
MEENAH: be all a pajama party up in here today
JOHN: hi.
JOHN: which troll are you?
MEENAH: which troll am i
MEENAH: im the best troll dummy
MEENAH: now get away from her she is mine
JOHN: uh...
MEENAH: ive been hunting her for a whale now
JOHN: for a whale?
JOHN: what does that mean?
MEENAH: its a fish pun
MEENAH: sayin fish puns is obviously kind of this thing i do stupid G-ET WIT)( T)(-E PROGRAM
JOHN: oh, right.
JOHN: i thought it sounded kind of... fishy!
MEENAH: ooooh thats a good one
MEENAH: not
MEENAH: now beat it
JOHN: you must be the sea troll, i heard about you.
JOHN: but i'm pretty sure we never talked.
JOHN: have you by any chance seen vriska around? or karkat?
MEENAH: who the fuck are they


03/24/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JOHN: um... your troll friends?
MEENAH: werent no friends of mine if i never heard of em
MEENAH: do you see this golden pointy deal here
JOHN: yes.
MEENAH: i was gonna use it to poke some holes in that girl there and see what happens
MEENAH: so clamscray
JOHN: oh no...
JOHN: why would you do that!
MEENAH: for the halibut
JOHN: uh. what?
MEENAH: halibut hell of it
MEENAH: ok that one wasnt that awesome
MEENAH: i thought i told you to clamscray
JOHN: i'm not sure what clamscray means either. you mean go away?
MEENAH: holy mother glubbing mackerel you are a fucking idiot
MEENAH: well if youre not gonna go
MEENAH: maybe you can at least tell me somefin
JOHN: what?
MEENAH: this is the afterlife isnt it
MEENAH: which means
MEENAH: im D-EAD
MEENAH: right


03/24/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JOHN: yes. well, it's a dream bubble.
JOHN: so yeah, you are probably a ghost.
MEENAH: I KN-EW IT
MEENAH: hahahaha yessssss
JOHN: you're excited to be dead?
MEENAH: excited hmm
MEENAH: now that you mention it
MEENAH: yes
MEENAH: i am pretty
MEENAH: flippin
MEENAH: -EXCIT------ED
JOHN: why?
MEENAH: because
MEENAH: it means my plan worked


03/24/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JOHN: what plan?
MEENAH: why would i tell a hornless dork like you somefin like that
JOHN: i dunno.
JOHN: just curious about your spooky ghost plan is all.
MEENAH: im curious about why a couple of freaks like you were sent to welcome me to hell
MEENAH: water you demons or somefin
MEENAH: pretty lame demons if you ask me
MEENAH: way too frondly and stupid
JOHN: no, we're humans.
JOHN: by which i mean aliens, i guess.
MEENAH: so like
MEENAH: youre dead aliens huh
MEENAH: whoever heard of an alien ghost
JOHN: i know, right? that's what i think sometimes.
JOHN: it's strange combination of sci-fi things. like alien stuff is all about science, right? at least it is in movies. aliens LOVE science. but then ghosts have nothing to do with science, they belong to the supernatural realms, which have more to do with religion i guess? or about a lot of hocus pocus and superstition, maybe even magic. science rarely enters the equation, unless it's something awesome like ghost busters, which makes ghosts and stuff ALL ABOUT science, even though the ghost science is obviously a bunch of total nonsense. i guess contact mixes aliens and ghosts because jodie foster saw her ghost dad in outer space? but then, that was probably just a science projection from an alien, to make her feel less sad about her dead dad, and not a real ghost or anything. i guess the lesson is that science and aliens teach us that ghosts and religion are fake? although, it turns out ghosts and aliens are actually real, so maybe science and religion have been lying to us all along. *shrug*
MEENAH: nerd
JOHN: um.
JOHN: yeah, sorry.
MEENAH: so the girl
MEENAH: she like your matesprit or whatever
JOHN: what?
JOHN: ha, no, i don't even know her.
JOHN: i kinda thought you knew who she was?
MEENAH: dont know who she is but i know W)(AT she is
MEENAH: shes done
JOHN: huh?
MEENAH: ever do any baking nerd
JOHN: yeah, a little...
MEENAH: then you know -EXACTLY what you do with somefin thats done
MEENAH: you stick a fork in it


03/24/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
MEENAH: S-E--------------------E


03/24/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JOHN: no!!!
MEENAH: better think fast suckafish
JOHN: snoozing mystery girl, look out!!!


03/24/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
DAVE: whoa is that john
KARKAT: YEAH, I THINK IT IS.
DAVE: what the hell is going on
KARKAT: OH SHIT
KARKAT: JOHN WATCH OUT!!!!!!
KARKAT: WELL, FUCK.
KARKAT: LOOKS LIKE HE'S STILL AN IDIOT.


03/24/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/25/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/25/12
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03/25/12
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03/25/12
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03/25/12
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03/25/12
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03/25/12
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03/26/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|PESTERLOG|
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]

AG: Hahahahahahahaha!
AG: Aaaaaaaa haaaaaaaa haaaaaaaa haaaaaaaa haaa........ man, fuck this.
AG: It's a real pain in the ass typing out long victorious laughs with only one hand, you know?
AG: Gonna have to patch this thing up somehow. May8e I'll pay a visit to my neigh8or a little l8er.
AG: Getting my arm fixed nearly ought to 8e worth enduring the stench. Aw yeah. Sick 8urn from outta nowhere. Take that, Zahhak.
AG: Haha! NEIGH8or. I can't 8elieve I only thought of that now! I 8et he'll get kick out of that.
AG: I 8et you even more he won't laugh though. What a 8oring piece of shit.
AG: I know YOU would think it's funny though. Right Terezi?
AG: Man, I sure am glad this little feud of ours is 8asically over. We're totally even!
AG: Now we can just go 8ack to 8eing friends, and things will 8e gr8.
AG: Hmmmmmmmm........
AG: Hahahaha! You won't 8elieve this, 8ut it only occurred to me now that you won't even 8e a8le to read this!
AG: Even if you do somehow manage to stum8le 8ack to your hive........ you're 8lind now! Whoooooooops.
AG: It would 8e a real shame if we couldn't 8ury the hatchet and 8e gr8 friends again 8ecause of a stupid 8ullshit reason like that.


03/26/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|PESTERLOG|
AG: Oh, I know.
AG: May8e I'll mindjack some random chump and send him to your hive so he can read my messages to you out loud!
AG: What a perfect solution. He can 8e your assisted living slave.
AG: I would have had the perfect candid8 all lined up, 8ut he recently lost the use of his legs unfortun8ly. Oh well, I'll just roll with the punches like I always do and find someone else.
AG: Just say the word, and I'll make him do whatever you want! Read my awesome notes to you, hang some more plush dragons from your tree, pre-chew your food........
AG: Well, may8e not pre-chew it, since I didn't exactly knock your teeth out, did I?
AG: May8e more like pre-look-at your food, to make sure there are 8ugs in it.
AG: See, isn't it gr8 when we're helping each other out instead of maiming each other repeatedly?
AG: This is how it should 8e 8etween Scourge Sisters. All the maimings and 8acksta88ings should 8e saved for the friends and foes who get in our way, don't you think?
AG: Hey, what do you want to do for our next campaign, 8tw?
AG: We can take the next one easy. I'll try to think of something 8etter suited to your new disa8ility!
AG: I mean, I've ALREADY pretty much nixed anything involving stairs, 8ecause of Tavros. Lol.
AG: 8n't no one can say I'm not willing to meet people half way!!!!!!!!
AG: Whew........
AG: I'm losing a lot of 8lood here.
AG: Good thing I seem to have a ton of the stuff. We high8loods are made of some pretty tough shit.
AG: What a fucking mess, though. Not really looking forward to cleaning this up.
AG: I've got to say, your prank was pretty good. Still not sure how you pulled it off. Pretty inconvenient though!
AG: It's too 8ad you're not going to get to read this for a while, if ever. We could 8e 8onding over the gr8 pranks we just pulled on each other!
AG: Oh well.
AG: Guess I'll take off. 8efore I drop dead like some kind of loser and you never get to hear from me again.
AG: See you around, sis.
GC: WOW
GC: 1 C4NT B3L13V3 1 4LMOST FORGOT
GC: WH4T 4 COMPL3T3LY CR4ZY B1TCH YOU W3R3
AG: Hey now!
AG: What kind of attitude is that to 8ring into this memory?
GC: OH
GC: Y34H
GC: SORRY >:[
AG: Easy, there.
AG: No need to waste good remorse on such a trivial exchange.
AG: I am only reminding you,
AG: That if you 8ring too much 8aggage from the past into the memory, it is dou8tful your experience will 8e either therapeutic or cathartic.
GC: UH
GC: WH4T
AG: You were the one who invoked this memory after all.
AG: Isn't this why you are here? Is it not what you have 8een hoping for and fretting you may find since your journey 8egan?
AG: A chance to say you are sorry?
GC: VR1SK4
GC: YOU SOUND R34LLY D1FF3R3NT
GC: WH4T H4PP3N3D TO YOU OUT H3R3?
AG: Sorry for the ruse.
AG: Though it isn't as far from the truth as it possi8ly could 8e, I am not who you think I am.
GC: >:?
AG: I of course needed to visit you through a memory, and interestingly, this is the one you gave me.
AG: No ill will or upsetting hijinks were intended.
GC: WHO 4R3 YOU?


03/26/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|PESTERLOG|
AG: Aranea.
GC: OK
GC: 4ND??
AG: And I am your friend's ancestor.
AG: In fact, I am yours too, in a way.
GC: R34LLY??
AG: Yes. Though not quite how you are picturing.
AG: She had an ancestor whom she was aware of, and technically that is who I am.
AG: That is to say, she is who I would have 8ecome on your world, had I arrived in her place. Alas, I did not.
AG: She was a figure in your history who preceded you 8y thousands of solar sweeps.
AG: Whereas I preceded your entire civilization 8y 8illions.
GC: >:o
GC: 1 DONT G3T 1T


03/27/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|PESTERLOG|
AG: That's ok. There is plenty of time to sort it all out.
AG: I've 8een keeping an eye on you all for quite a while. Your whole planet, actually. It was very interesting this time around, to say the least.
AG: It even had a different name! "Alternia." Haha. How heavy handed can you get?
AG: The man responsi8le was a 8it of a wise guy. He rewrote everything. He had a knack for overzealous storytelling, which is a harmless enough ha8it usually. I'm guilty of it myself sometimes.
AG: 8ut it is not so harmless when the perpetrator is omniscient and omnipotent.
GC: OMN1SC13NT?
GC: YOU M34N
GC: MR M1LKSH4K3???
AG: That's right.
AG: 8ut he's dead now, and his story is over. The 8ook on our universe is closed, 8oth for my instance and yours.
AG: This 8eing the case, I thought it was the right time to introduce myself. The com8ined work of my group and yours is unfinished, and the outcome has not 8een assured.
AG: The true ultimate reward has yet to 8e achieved. No safe haven has 8een created that is free from the devastation caused 8y Mr. Milkshake's grand deception.
AG: Our race still teeters on extinction. The mem8ers of your party, and one noteworthy fugitive, are the sole survivors.
AG: We must work together to create that haven and restore our race, so that the sacrifices we all made will not 8e in vain.
AG: 8ut in order to repair the unthinka8le damage that has 8een done, we need to allow ourselves the chance to heal first.
AG: Old wounds, old regrets. They will serve no purpose on the rest of your journey.
GC: R3GR3TS
GC: 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG 4BOUT M3 4ND VR1SK4?
AG: Sure. You have to start somewhere.
GC: DO YOU KNOW WH3R3 SH3 1S?
AG: Not at the moment.
AG: 8ut the more time you spend here, the more likely it is you will find whomever you are looking for.
AG: On the other hand, if it is the unknowa8le will of the gods, you may dance around each other indefinitely as you pass through this space. It is hard to say.
GC: OH
GC: OK TH3N
GC: 1M NOT SUR3 WH3TH3R TO B3 R3L13V3D OR FRUSTR4T3D BY TH4T
AG: Well, if she had 8een dwelling in this 8u88le like you thought, what would you want to say to her?
AG: Surely you would not have just argued a8out the past.
GC: NO
GC: 1 ST1LL DONT KNOW WH4T 1 WOULD S4Y TO H3R
AG: Then what would you say to me?


03/27/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GC: 1 WOULD S4Y
GC: 3V3N THOUGH SH3 D1D SOM3 B4D TH1NGS 4ND W4S TOT4LLY 1MPOSS1BL3 MOST OF TH3 T1M3
GC: 1 W1SH SH3 W4SNT D34D
GC: 1S 1T W31RD TO M1SS SOM3BODY WHO D1D NOTH1NG BUT C4US3 PROBL3MS?
AG: No. I can empathize.
AG: She was a serious trou8lemaker in your party. Many player groups have to deal with those.
AG: I feel as though we had one of the worst cases in our party. 8ut when all was said and done, she was still our friend.
GC: 1 K33P WOND3R1NG 1F TH3R3 W4S 4NOTH3R W4Y
GC: SOM3TH1NG OTH3R TH4N L3TT1NG H3R GO, OR K1LL1NG H3R
GC: 1 TRY TO R3M3MB3R WH4T 1 S4W WH3N 1 LOOK3D 1NTO TH3 VORT1C3S OF POSS1B1L1TY
GC: 4ND 1 JUST C4NT R3M3MB3R 4NYTH1NG B3S1D3S THOS3 OPT1ONS
GC: 3V3N 1F THOS3 OTH3R CHO1C3S WOULD H4V3 R3SULT3D 1N D34TH FOR 3V3RYON3
GC: W4S TH4T R34LLY 4LL 1 W4S C4P4BL3 OF?
GC: 31TH3R LOS1NG TH3 N3RV3 TO GO THROUGH W1TH 1T, OR ST4BB1NG H3R 1N TH3 B4CK, 4ND NOTH1NG 3LS3?
AG: At that moment, perhaps.
AG: You know very well the channels of possi8ility at that exact juncture resulted from her decision paths as well as yours.
AG: 8ut even so, when it comes to your key decisions, the possi8ilities are pro8a8ly fewer and more discrete than you have presumed.
AG: Otherwise you would not see results consolidated into those vortices, would you? Possi8ility would resem8le an enormous hazy field of infinitely su8tle variations and micro-choices.
AG: Imagine if at that moment you truly were capa8le of anything, no matter how outlandish, a8surd, or patently fruitless. How would this vast amount of information present itself to you through your senses? What difference would it make in your final decision if all other tri8utaries of whim spilled into the same decaying future? And what would this make of your agency as a hero meant to learn and grow?
AG: Look at it this way. Imagine that over the course of someone's life, they are truly capa8le of every conceiva8le action at any moment, and did indeed take each of those actions in different 8ranching realities. Doesn't a scenario like that deaden a person's agency just as much as one where their fate is decidedly etched in stone as a single path of unavoida8le decisions? Who exactly is that person who can and does take all conceiva8le actions, other than someone perfectly generic, who only appears to have unique predilections and motives when you examine the ar8itrary path they happen to occupy?
GC: UM
GC: 1 DONT KNOW
AG: Pardon the esoteric tangent. These are my instincts as a Hero of Light kicking in. It's hard for us to resist prattling on a8out matters like this.
GC: OH GOD
GC: L1K3 ROS3
GC: Y34H SH3 N3V3R SHUTS UP 4BOUT 1T
GC: NO OFF3NS3 >:]
AG: ::::)
AG: You may seek to understand your decisions and look for justice in their consequences. You may wonder why honora8le choices from the innocent are punished 8y 8anishment to a timeline in which everyone dies and all is gradually dissolved.
AG: It helps to understand your role, not just as a hero who must overcome, 8ut as a single capillary within a much larger 8ioexistential system.
AG: Think of it like circulatory system, where the veins and capillaries that do not help the overall flow of 8lood through the system are likely to wither and die. Those are doomed offshoots.
AG: Reality itself is using you and many others to propagate its own existence. Strictly speaking, there is only one path to its successful propagation. 8ut it still permits you to make choices. Not all that are conceiva8le, 8ut some nevertheless, as dictated 8y who you are and the challenges you face. And you are free to make key decisions however you like, as long as you understand that some of these paths unfairly or not will lead to o8livion. 8ecause those choices do not contri8ute constructively to the perpetuation of all existence, including your own.
AG: Such is the 8urden assumed 8y anyone who plays this game.


03/29/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GC: Y34H
GC: 1 GU3SS 1 UND3RSTOOD SOM3 OF TH4T, BUT N3V3R QU1T3 PUT 1T 4LL TOG3TH3R TH4T W4Y
GC: 1 DONT TH1NK 1 W4S 4 GR34T S33R OF M1ND
AG: Well, you aren't finished 8eing one, are you?
GC: M3H
GC: 1 DONT TH1NK OF MYS3LF TH4T W4Y 4NYMOR3
GC: 1 US3D TO F33L L1K3 SOM3 PR3TTY HOT SH1T!
GC: D1R3CT1NG B4TTL3 TR4FF1C 4G41NST TH3 K1NG, 4ND 4LL FL1PP1NG CO1NS 1N P3OPL3S F4C3S 4ND STUFF
GC: 1T S33MS S1LLY NOW. 1 DONT TH1NK 1 3V3R KN3W WH4T 1 W4S DO1NG
GC: WH3N 1 CONFRONT3D H3R, 4ND 1T W4S T1M3 TO M4K3 UP MY M1ND
GC: 1 THOUGHT 1 H4D 1T 4LL F1GUR3D OUT, L1K3 TH1S W4S WH4T 1 H4D TO DO. NOT JUST TO S4V3 3V3RYBODY, BUT 4S SOM3 STUP1D R1T3 OF P4SS4G3 OR SOM3TH1NG?
GC: TH3N 1T C4M3 T1M3 TO DO 1T, 4ND 1T W4S 4LL H4PP3N1NG SO F4ST...
GC: 4ND 1 FORC3D MY OWN H4ND. 1 COULD 31TH3R L3T 3V3RYON3 D13 1N ON3 R34L1TY, OR K1LL 4 FR13ND 1N 4NOTH3R
GC: 4ND 1 T3LL MYS3LF THOS3 W3R3 TH3 ONLY TWO VORT1C3S 1 S4W...
GC: BUT TH3N, 1 W4S TH3 ON3 WHO M4D3 TH3 S3R13S OF D3C1S1ONS WH1CH L3D UP TO TH4T CHO1C3, 4ND COMPL3T3LY P41NT3D TH3 OPT1ONS 1NTO TH4T CORN3R
GC: 4NYW4Y
GC: 1 JUST W1SH 1 COULD T3LL H3R TH4T
AG: Which one would you tell it to?
GC: HUH?
AG: The one who fought with Noir, or the one who didn't?


03/29/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GC: OH
GC: 1 M34N
GC: 1 GU3SS 31TH3R?
GC: BUT 1 W4S TH1NK1NG MOR3 4BOUT TH3 ON3 WHOS3 D34TH 1M 4CTU4LLY R3SPONS1BL3 FOR
AG: Ah.
AG: Well, this could either 8e my experience as an ancient ghost talking, or the perspective I am naturally given to as a Light player,
AG: 8ut aren't you equally responsi8le for 8oth?
GC: >:\
GC: 1 GU3SS
AG: I can see why you would feel more responsi8ility for one than the other.
AG: My perspective is informed 8y my class and aspect. It was to my advantage as a healer to see things a little differently. To find equanimity across many different outcomes.
GC: OH?
AG: There's more to the realization of our roles than gaining flashy powers.
AG: And there's more to healing than repairing 8attle damage.
AG: You killed a friend and you understanda8ly feel regret.
AG: 8ut it's done. She is gone and you are still here.
AG: Now what?
GC: ...


03/29/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|PESTERLOG|
AG: You could look for a8solution through rationalization. Everyone would have died if you didn't take action, so why trou8le yourself with guilty emotion?
AG: 8ut there is no real healing power in 8elieving that. And I don't think it's what you wanted to tell yourself anyway, is it?
GC: NOT R34LLY
AG: Or what a8out through renunciation of responsi8ility? If you were just a tool used 8y reality to perpetuate itself, where is the 8lame?
AG: 8ut that would 8e another empty idea that has no power to heal.
GC: Y34H
GC: 1V3 TR13D R4T1ON4L1Z1NG STUFF TH4T W4Y
GC: DO3SNT R34LLY H3LP
AG: You've 8een lead to 8elieve such acts of violence are natural for your kind, and that if you're upset 8y the consequences then something is wrong with you.
AG: 8ut it isn't as natural as you might think. That conditioning was a part of Milkshake's long con.
AG: Violence was respected and cele8rated on your world, 8ut remorse was rarely felt and pain could never heal due to such empty justifications. We died out a wounded race, and you are all that's left.
AG: The process of healing first involves sifting through what it isn't, which happens to 8e almost everything your trou8led mind has to offer.
GC: TH3N WH4T DO 1 DO?
GC: WH4TS TH3 4NSW3R?
AG: There isn't one.


03/29/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|PESTERLOG|
AG: It takes time, and is only accelerated 8y looking at things honestly.
AG: This is what I did as a Sylph of Light. Helped people see things.
AG: I could even perform the feat literally, if you wanted.
GC: WHO4 WH4T?
AG: It's up to you of course.


03/29/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GC: HMM
GC: TH4NKS FOR 4SK1NG
GC: BUT 1D R4TH3R JUST ST4Y TH1S W4Y
GC: L34RN1NG TO S3NS3 TH1NGS TH1S W4Y W4S TH3 ONLY CONN3CT1ON 1 3V3R H4D W1TH MY LUSUS B3FOR3 SH3 D13D
GC: 1T R3M1NDS M3 OF H3R
GC: TH4T PROB4BLY SOUNDS DUMB THOUGH
AG: Not at all. That's a very good reason.
AG: I thought the polite thing to do was at least offer.


03/29/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GC: 1TS COOL TH4T YOU W4NT TO H3LP H34L M3 4ND 4LL
GC: BUT
GC: 1 ST1LL DONT R34LLY KNOW 4NYTH1NG 4BOUT YOU
GC: OTH3R TH4N TH4T YOU S33M L1K3 SOM3 SORT OF MUCH N1C3R VR1SK4
GC: WH3R3 W3R3 YOU FROM 4G41N? 4LT3RN14 B3FOR3 V4N1LL4 M1LKSH4K3 N4M3D 1T TH4T?
AG: Yes. 8ut in a different universe instance, I often refer to as A1. The shorthand helps avoid confusion, trust me.
AG: My group of twelve played the game, 8ut failed. It overwhelmed us. A lot went wrong. The reckoning destroyed our 8attlefield well 8efore we had any hope of winning.
AG: I sought advice from Echidna, and she told me how to scratch the session to give us another chance.
AG: 8ut the choice to do so came with accepting the annihilation of our existing forms. In the new instance, we would lead completely different lives with no memory of what happened.
AG: So we did, and created A2. Your instance, your world, and your game in which we were all inexplica8ly created in the first place.
AG: As I said, this time around the world was........ interesting.
GC: TH4T'S WH3N TROLLS B3C4M3 T3RR1BL3?
AG: Not all of you.
AG: Some had lessons from the old world to teach others. 8ut few ever heard them.
GC: SO 1N YOUR T1M3, 3V3RYON3 W4S 4S N1C3 4S YOU?
AG: Not exactly. 8ut life was pretty mild and uneventful.
AG: I'm not even sure if I was especially nice, 8y our standards.
AG: Mostly kind of 8oring.
AG: No8ody from my party liked me a whole lot.
AG: I think I talked too much, and had a ha8it of 8ringing conversations 8ack around to myself.
AG: Not that it matters anymore, 8ut it was not the 8est way to make friends.
GC: H3H3H3H3. YOU R34LLY 4R3 L1K3 4 N1C3 VR1SK4
GC: 1 DUNNO, 1 W4S FR13NDS W1TH H3R 4ND SH3 D1D 4LMOST NOTH1NG BUT T4LK 4BOUT H3RS3LF
GC: 1M PR3TTY SUR3 YOU 4ND 1 WOULD H4V3 B33N GOOD FR13NDS TOO!
AG: Thanks!
AG: It goes to show, just 8ecause your race is peaceful doesn't mean you don't have pro8lems.
AG: I used to fantasize a8out 8eing someone really outgoing and dramatic.
AG: Someone who had the confidence do whatever she wanted, like go on the most outrageous adventures without caring what anyone thought a8out her.
AG: Like someone from a 8ook, you know?
GC: Y3S!
GC: 1 US3D TO TH1NK 4BOUT TH4T 4 LOT TOO >:]
AG: It turned out I actually got what I wanted after the reset. Unfortunately it came along with our people's enslavement and near extinction.
AG: Not that I really got to live as her, exactly. 8ut at least I got a chance to follow her life. And it was a very long life.
AG: 8eing here for ages has its 8enefits.


03/29/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GC: 3X4CTLY HOW LONG H4V3 YOU 4LL B33N L1V1NG 1N DR34M BUBBL3S?
GC: OR 1 M34N...
GC: NOT L1V1NG
AG: It has 8een a very long time.
AG: So long, time has 8een stripped of the meaning it never really had in the first place.
AG: It doesn't really pass in the same way it does when you're alive. Concepts like "now" and "how long" are figures of speech used to make communication simpler.
AG: I've quit trying to give expression to the elusive temporal properties of this place. It's easier staying conversational.
AG: 8ut I will say that 8eing here "for so long" lends itself to a certain detachment from what you see. Otherwise, monitoring the atrocities stemming from our failure wouldn't 8e much fun.
GC: DO YOU M1SS YOUR WORLD 4S MUCH 4S 1 DO?
AG: Yes, sometimes.
AG: 8ut missing it usually invites memories of home to serve as the stage.
AG: Not that it's a su8stitute for the previous reality. 8ut the reminders of home are everywhere.
GC: WH4T 4BOUT YOUR FR13NDS? 1 GU3SS YOU ST1LL G3T TO H4NG OUT W1TH TH3M 4LL?
AG: Yes. I see them often enough.
AG: Except for one, whom I haven't seen at all since 8efore we all died.
AG: In fact, she's the only reason we are here in the first place, as opposed to merely ceasing to exist upon the scratch.
AG: In life, she was the only one I would have called a close friend, in a way.
AG: The thing is, no8ody liked her much either. We had that in common. ::::)
GC: WOW, 1TS B33N TH4T LONG S1NC3 YOU S4W H3R?
AG: Remem8er how I said the gods could keep you dancing around someone you're looking for indefinitely?
GC: Y34H BUT...
GC: B1LL1ONS OF SW33PS??
AG: Well, "8illions," yes. In a manner of speaking.
GC: 1S SH3 BY 4NY CH4NC3 TH3 TROUBL3M4K3R YOU W3R3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT?
AG: That's right. In fact, we are on our way to visit her now.
GC: OH
GC: SO TH4TS WH3R3 TH1S BR4NCH 1S T4K1NG US!
AG: Notice the moon up there?
AG: And not the larger green interloper. That one never 8elonged to my world. It is your memory, not mine.
GC: Y34H TH3 CUT3 L1TTL3 BUBBL3GUM MOONS! TH4TS WH3R3 SH3 1S?
AG: It's the setting of the memory she entered.
AG: From her perspective, she has just arrived here.
AG: Your friends should 8e joining us too, 8efore your meteor clears the 8u88le.
AG: May8e together we can 8ring the Thief of Life up to speed.


03/30/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/30/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/30/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/30/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/30/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/30/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/30/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/30/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/30/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/30/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/30/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/30/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/30/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



Oh SHIT.


03/30/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



How can he be here already?

Why did I not see this coming?


03/30/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



The dude is ALWAYS already here.

When it comes to being here, already is practically all he ever is.

Ok, time to stop babbling and think. Think, imagination! Argh, the one time I really need you!!

Oh no, Slick!!!


03/30/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



Slick, he's come here to finish you off! We have got to hide you somewhere. Now that Rufio is gone, you are my only friend.

Oh, you're good company too, humanimal butler who may or may not be Aurthour. I didn't mean nothin' by it.

What's that, Slick? Oh, yeah, Ms. Paint too of course. That's a little different. Hey! What do you mean "so what's her story, is she available?" No, she is not available!

And just what do you mean by THAT? No, she will not be available "soon" either!


03/30/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



Hey, get back in bed. I'm trying to save your ass here. Go ahead, stab all you want. Like your stupid curmudgeonly shankings aren't so totally played out already.

Shh...

Oh my god, the footsteps. That horrible peg leg on my hardwood floors. He's coming...


03/31/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



There's no time to lose, we've got to get you out of here!


03/31/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



HUP


03/31/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






03/31/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






04/01/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



Now if I can just go grab Ms. Paint and sneak out the back door before it's too...

Are you kidding me? He's already here AGAIN? Talk about a one trick pony.

Fine.


04/01/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



We settle this NOW.


04/01/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



What's that, English? You look nervous. Could it be you weren't expecting me to know your only vulnerability? You have underestimated my omniscience almost as badly as I overestimate it as a matter of daily routine. Your reign of terror comes to an end here, on this balcony overlooking an enchanted cliffscape host to innumerable gorgeous stallions. How ironic, that your very demise would be in the proximity of some horses. What? You didn't follow that? Just think it over. Think it over...


04/01/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



WHILE YOU DIE SHIT SHIT SHIT, OH SHIT. FUCK. SHIT SHIT FUCK, I FORGOT.

What kind of fucking idiot keeps his deudly white magnum loaded with only one tiny cueball??? God damn you, Scratch.


04/01/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






04/01/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






04/01/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






04/02/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



Ok, that gun looks super deudly. Way deudlier than the one I just threw at you, and I am probably screwed. But there is one thing you probably WEREN'T counting on, and that thing is magic being REAL.

God I hope magic is real...


04/02/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



Please let magic be real, please let magic be real, please let magic be real. I believe that magic is real right now. I believe so hard in its reality that it is becoming slightly less fake before our very eyes. I believe its fakeness was just a lie coughed up from a dark magician's spurious asshole. I believe in fairies. I believe dragons aren't bullshit. I believe heartily in the giggles of all the cherubs in heaven and the metric tonnes of special stardust they consume each day to fuel their laughter. I believe with the conviction of a million frothing zealots in the combined pranks of a billion leprechauns strong, and in the tiny erections they get from playing them. But most of all, I believe in YOU, Rufio.

I BELIEVE IN YOU.


04/02/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



Aw fuck who am I kidding magic is fake as shit.


04/02/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



I failed you, Rufio.


04/02/12
"[A6I2] ==>"



I failed you.


04/02/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






04/02/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






04/02/12
"[A6I2] ==>"






04/03/12
"[S][A6I2] ???"






04/03/12
"END OF ACT 6 INTERMISSION 2"






04/13/12
"==>"






04/13/12
"==>"






04/13/12
"==>"






04/14/12
"[S] ACT 6 ACT 3"






04/14/12
"--"



|PESTERLOG|
uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

UU: hUzzah! yoU did it! ^u^
GG: Oh, hello.
GG: Did what, exactly?
UU: made it to locah! yoUr own personal planet inside the game, tailored to yoUr personal qUest.
UU: i've observed yoU here before, of coUrse. bUt this is the first time i've contacted yoU here.
UU: better to keep things on the Up and Up vis a vis oUr mUtUal linearity, no?
GG: Sure.
UU: sUre? :u
GG: Yes. Sorry. I'm still feeling a little overwhelmed by what just happened.
GG: A giant pit seems to have swollen my house whole! My dad is missing too. I think I should try to find him as soon as possible.
UU: i Understand.
UU: pardon my grUmpy demeanoUr. i jUst had a nap and did not sleep well.
GG: Ha ha, you call this grumpy?
UU: wasn't i being? :u
GG: Not exactly!
UU: well good! i do my best.
UU: really, as if my dreadfUl nap were not bad enoUgh, i woke Up to find my coplayer has made a terrible mess in here.
UU: bUt the good news is he has at least agreed to play with me once and for all. some people make nothing easy.
GG: That's good.
GG: But wait...
GG: I thought you said you've never met him?
UU: Um.
UU: i haven't!
UU: not in person.
GG: Then how did he make a mess in there?
GG: Did he break into your room while you were asleep?
UU: oh, yes, well, hmm.
UU: the thing with that is this.
UU: the thing with that is that we shoUld talk aboUt something else!
GG: Huh?
UU: why mUst yoU be sUch the vigilant gUmshoe, jane?
UU: always with the gUmshooery. pitch that pUzzlesavvy toward the conUndra littered aboUt yoUr planet!
UU: i'm becoming grUmpy again. do forgive me.
UU: what do yoU think of the place by the by?
GG: Uh...
UU: yoUr new home!
GG: Oh.
GG: It's rather desolate. Pretty eerie, actually.
GG: I haven't run into anyone at all. I think I might be alone here?
UU: yes isn't it great?
GG: The balloons are nice, I suppose.
UU: reminds me mUch of home. so peacefUl, so mUch space to yoUrself and time to think.
UU: yoU're so lUcky. i can't wait to get to my planet!
GG: Yes. But what about your brother?
UU: right, that.
UU: aboUt that.
UU: got to rUn! Ta, kisses, all that stUff!!! u3u
GG: Hey!
uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

[Close tab and continue playing game in original tab.]


04/14/12
"--"



|PESTERLOG|
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
TG: jcrocks
TG: urgent cornespondence 4 profeffor bffsy over
GG: Roxy!
GG: You won't believe where I am right now.
TG: betch u i will
GG: Ok, maybe you will.
GG: But I'm in the game finally! It's considerably more outlandish than I was expecting.
TG: what were u spectin
TG: for mangic not 2 be real or something
TG: lol what a dope
GG: No, I was thinking...
GG: Well, I don't know. Something more like...
TG: wow k shoosh
TG: jane i actuatly dont have any time
TG: i have literally like 1 minute
TG: i only wanted to ask one thing
TG: did you talk to jake
TG: about u know
TG: do i even NEED to wonk??
GG: THAT'S why you're contacting me???
TG: ys
TG: hry
GG: Roxy, please, I don't think you understand.
GG: There are MYSTERIES here.
GG: REAL MYSTERIES AND PUZZLES TO SOLVE.
TG: thas cool so howd it go with jake
GG: Groan.
TG: did doc crock prantice her love medizine on THE ENGLISH PATIENT ;) <3<3,4
GG: Hardly.
GG: If you really want to know, I completely blew it with him forever. Satisfied?
TG: aw wahat that FUCK
GG: He asked me if I liked him, and in the heat of the moment I panicked and said no.
GG: And then he went on this whole thing about Dirk, and...
GG: That's that.
GG: Can we drop it now?
TG: uuuuuuuuuuuuuururreggghhgh
TG: jane this is totals the shittiest love report i ever heard
GG: It's not a "love report!" Will you stop it?
TG: jane im pissed
TG: i am so pipsed about this i want to just go there and smack ur ass
TG: u HAD him and oh jane siiiign
TG: the ONLY reason i got 2 cut short on ripping you a new one ofer this debacle is the fact that everything is literally on fire right now
GG: What? There's a fire?
TG: no jane theres a fire when youg go camping and pack marshmalmows while smiling like an asshole
TG: the whole neighborhoof is burning down
TG: by which i mean lilerally every single fuckin builbing
TG: gtg
GG: Oh, gosh.
GG: Please be careful!
TG: stil just
TG: SM f'n H about this jake thang
TG: uuurrrrgh
GG: :(
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

[Close tab and continue playing game in original tab.]


04/14/12
"--"



|PESTERLOG|
golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
GT: Ahoy!
GT: Jane? Yoo hoo.
GT: No dice?
GT: Okey doke then i just wanted to see what was up with you.
GT: I figured you must be starting up the game by now? Cant wait to get the scoop!
GT: I just had a lets say encounter with dirks dumb robot and well its over now lets just leave it at that.
GT: Headed into the ruins now to seal the deal with this rabbit malarkey finally. Then i can join you!
GT: Not a moment too soon probably. I think this volcano is about to blow?
GT: Its making me mighty nervous im not going to lie.
GT: The grounds been shaking and everything.
GT: Wup!
GT: There it goes again aw frig this is a big one.
GT: Ohhhh shit.
golgothasTerror's [GT] skull helmet computer ceased operating due to a severe blow to the head.
GG: Jake! Wait!
GG: Oh no.

[Close tab and continue playing game in original tab.]


04/14/12
"==>"



You verify whether or not you made it to the end of the game, as shown above. If not, you decide to consult the walkthrough for guidance.


04/16/12
"[S] Jane: Proceed."






04/16/12
"--"



|PESTERLOG|
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
TT: Looks like you're getting the hang of these puzzles.
TT: Nice work.
GG: Thank you!
GG: That last skull was a doozy, to be honest.
TT: Yeah, I guess. If you have a human brain, sure.
TT: Personally, I've already solved all conceivable skull puzzles for all possible skull states, which is a thing that's like, no big deal for me?
GG: Har har.
GG: Hey, I thought you couldn't see me once I left the house?
TT: I can't. Not through the server's viewport.
TT: But I can still monitor your progress through Lil Sebastian.
TT: He and I are linked the hell up cyberwise. We are so tight. Tight like you wouldn't believe.
GG: Oh yeah?
TT: It's like he is the Incredible Hulk's pants, and I am his monstrous package yearning to bust loose.
GG: Blehhhh, why??
TT: Jane.
TT: It seems there is a way bigger than average probability that you do not want to discuss Bruce Banner's megalithic gamma schlong.
GG: That figure would be sitting pretty at one hundred percent.
TT: Holy shit!
TT: Some of my circuits exploded. That number was intense to robo-consider.
GG: Ok, let's stop talking about stupid things for a minute. What a completely absurd environment for our typical blithering discourse.
GG: I am hot on the prowl for more clues about this strange and mysterious land!
TT: Ha ha.
GG: What?
TT: I don't know.
TT: Just, ha ha to that.
GG: Anyway, I think I'm getting closer to finding where my house went.
GG: Then I can reunite with dad, and together we can sleuth this great big pickle of a planet!
TT: Well, the good news is your house should be just ahead, if you keep following the trail.
GG: Yes, I knew it!
TT: The bad news is your dad's not there anymore.
GG: Oh no!
TT: I guess he got antsy and left to explore. Maybe he's looking for you?
TT: I tried to block him from leaving with some furniture, but the dude was having none of it.
GG: Golly, why did he have to leave??
GG: This really complicates matters. I hope he doesn't get lost.
TT: Don't worry, we'll find him. I'll have Seb search within a likely radius. The little guy is real fast.
GG: Yes. Good idea.
TT: In the meantime, you'd better go find your house. We aren't making any progress in this game without it. It's kinda central to the gameplay, you know?
TT: If you need Seb to do anything from afar, just message me, and I'll give him the orders. Got it?
GG: Got it! Thanks!
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

[Close tab and continue playing game in original tab.]


04/17/12
"[S] Jane: Cautiously approach."






04/18/12
"==>"



Ok, what the FUCK are you going to do with all these stupid potions? Talk about buyer's remorse. You have had enough of this vulgar clown and his pushy potion peddling.

You do not want him to be your guide and you politely ask him to leave your property.


04/18/12
"Gamzee: Retrieve contraband from chest of whimsy."



The clown says he can all motherfuckin abide about that. He doesn't want to get his step on to any motherfuckin toes. But he says if he's not going to be your guide, you gotta at least have SOMEONE as a guide, to all guide you on your way through this quest of miracles.

He tells you to hold your shit while he retrieves something from his CHEST OF WHIMSY. You say, you mean the refrigerator? He acts like he didn't even hear you.


04/18/12
"==>"






04/18/12
"==>"






04/18/12
"==>"






04/18/12
"==>"






04/18/12
"Jane: Say hello to your new guide."



|SPRITELOG|
TAVRISPRITE: wHAT,
TAVRISPRITE: Thhhhhhhhe,
TAVRISPRITE: fUCK!!!!!!!!,
TAVRISPRITE: Happened,?
TAVRISPRITE: mY,
TAVRISPRITE: Person, ality is........
TAVRISPRITE: hNNNNNNNNGH,
TAVRISPRITE: Just,,,,,,,,
TAVRISPRITE: a8SOLUTELY, fUCKING,
TAVRISPRITE: Uhhhhhhhh,
TAVRISPRITE: iRRRRRRRRECONCILA8LE!!!!!!!!
TAVRISPRITE: D::::{
JANE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!
GAMZEE: honk.


04/19/12
"==>"



|SPRITELOG|
TAVRISPRITE: nO,
TAVRISPRITE: nO, No, nO, No, nO, No, nO, No.
TAVRISPRITE: yOU HAVE TO,
TAVRISPRITE: Undo this somehow.
TAVRISPRITE: aRE YOU LISTENING TO ME, cLOWN, aND
TAVRISPRITE: Whoever the fuck you are????????
TAVRISPRITE: mAKE ME STOP 8EING THIS THING!,!,!,!,!,!,!,!,
JANE: Hrm.
JANE: Ok, I'm sorry for screaming there. That fellow over there just caught me quite off guard with this... uh... stunt.
TAVRISPRITE: hMMMMMMMMK,
JANE: You seem quite upset. I think we should all try to calm down and figure out what to do.
TAVRISPRITE: yRRRRRRRRG,
JANE: Um, yes. Well, first of all, my name is Jane. Pleased to meet you.
JANE: What is yours?
TAVRISPRITE: My name?
TAVRISPRITE: fUCK, mY NAME,
TAVRISPRITE: It's, nOTHING!
TAVRISPRITE: i AM, a STUTTERING, rEPELLENT, uNHOLY.......,
TAVRISPRITE: a8OMIN8TION!
JANE: Oh dear.
TAVRISPRITE: yOU HAVE,
TAVRISPRITE: Noooooooo,
TAVRISPRITE: iDEA,
TAVRISPRITE: hOW, fUUUUUUUUCKING MUCH,
TAVRISPRITE: iIIIIIII,
TAVRISPRITE: H88888888te myself right now, !!!!!!!!
GAMZEE: HONK.
JANE: Quiet, you!
JANE: This is all your fault. Look at what you've done!
TAVRISPRITE: sHUT UUUUUUUUP,
TAVRISPRITE: i H8 YOU BOTH, I h8te, EVERYTHING.
TAVRISPRITE: I h8te, the way, i FALTERINGLY, sPEAK OUT, my jum8led, tHOUGHTS,
TAVRISPRITE: i H8, hOW i DRAAAAAAAAG OUT, tHE THINGS, I say, sOMETIMES,
TAVRISPRITE: I don't even know, wHICH PARTS OF MYSELF, aRE H8TING, which things????????
TAVRISPRITE: sO,
TAVRISPRITE: i JUST H8TE,
TAVRISPRITE: Eeeeeeeevvvvvvvvveeeeeeeerrrrrrrryyyyyyyy, tHING!!!!!!!!
JANE: Hey, clown!
JANE: Can't you do something? This poor creature shouldn't exist!
TAVRISPRITE: Aaaaaaaa,
TAVRISPRITE: aAAAAAAA,aAAAAAAA,aAAAAAAA,aAAAAAAA,aAAAAAAA,aAAAAAAA,aAAAAAAA,aAAAAAAA!


04/19/12
"==>"



|SPRITELOG|
TAVRISPRITE: eEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH,,,,,,,,.


04/19/12
"==>"






04/19/12
"==>"






04/20/12
"==>"



|SPRITELOG|
VRISKA: Tavros, this fucking sucks.
TAVROS: wHAT,
VRISKA: What do you mean, "wHAT,"?
VRISKA: For starters, that completely horri8le shared 8ody resurrection 8ullshit that just happened.
VRISKA: You were there, remem8er? That's kind of the point!
TAVROS: oH, yEAH,
TAVROS: i DON'T KNOW, iT WASN'T SO BAD,
TAVROS: i THINK MAYBE WE WERE OVERREACTING, aBOUT BEING ONE PERSON?
VRISKA: Overreacting my ass!
VRISKA: What a nightmare. It's still making my ghostly skin crawl just thinking a8out it.
TAVROS: nO, i THINK i'VE DECIDED, yOU'RE BEING UNREASONABLE,
TAVROS: iT WAS COOL BEING ALIVE AGAIN FOR A WHILE, aS A STRANGE UNSETTLING MUTANT,
TAVROS: iF WE DIDN'T EXPLODE OURSELF SO FAST, iT COULD HAVE BEEN AN ADVENTURE, mAYBE,
VRISKA: Oh, sure. That's easy for you to say.
VRISKA: You weren't the one getting the short end of the shared personality stick!
VRISKA: May8e if your personality was as much an upgrade to mine as mine was to yours, I would have 8een cool with it too.
TAVROS: yOU MIGHT BE RIGHT,
TAVROS: aCTUALLY IT WAS PRETTY NEAT,
VRISKA: What?
TAVROS: gETTING TO FEEL ALL THE AMAZING SELF ESTEEM YOU GET TO FEEL,
TAVROS: i DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT IT FELT LIKE, i MOSTLY ONLY KNEW WHAT THE PRETEND KIND WAS LIKE,
TAVROS: sO,
TAVROS: tHANK YOU FOR LETTING ME FEEL THAT, i GUESS,
VRISKA: Hahahaha. You're welcome!
VRISKA: Now that you mention it, may8e there was a silver lining to that freak show.
VRISKA: Someone else finally got a chance to feel first hand how gr8 it is 8eing me!
TAVROS: yEAH,
TAVROS: iT MUST BE PRETTY GREAT OVERALL,
TAVROS: sO,
TAVROS: aSIDE FROM BEING PARTIALLY ME, bRIEFLY,
TAVROS: hOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
VRISKA: Ok. Dead mostly.
TAVROS: yES, mE TOO,
VRISKA: Yeah.
VRISKA: Hey, sorry a8out that 8y the way.
TAVROS: aBOUT WHAT,
VRISKA: A8out killing you! It wasn't very cool of me.
TAVROS: oH, rIGHT,
TAVROS: i ALMOST FORGOT THAT EVEN HAPPENED,
VRISKA: How could you forget? Haven't you 8een pissed off at me a8out it?
TAVROS: nO, i MEAN, iT WAS PRETTY MUCH MY FAULT, i THINK,
TAVROS: i ATTACKED YOU WITH MY BOGUS SELF ESTEEM, aND i PAID THE ULTIMATE PRICE,
VRISKA: No, you idiot! That's not what happened at all. I sta88ed you through the chest 8ecause I was 8eing a huge 8itch!
TAVROS: i MEAN, iT WAS A LONG TIME AGO, bUT THAT'S NOT REALLY HOW i REMEMBER IT,
VRISKA: Ugh, stop 8eing so stupid. That's so stupid!
TAVROS: nO, yOU'RE STUPID,
VRISKA: You are such a pain in the ass when you're dead. Let's just agree it was my fault and drop it.
TAVROS: nO, bUT OKAY,
VRISKA: Man, 8eing dead is such a drag.
VRISKA: I don't know if I can deal with this shit anymore!
TAVROS: i THINK IT'S ALRIGHT,
VRISKA: Oh come on. It's so 8oring!
VRISKA: What a completely pointless and hollow existence this is.
VRISKA: And if the existential malaise wasn't 8ad enough, now I have to 8e constantly watching out for that fucking orange guy.
TAVROS: oRANGE GUY?
VRISKA: The orange guy! Haven't you seen him?
TAVROS: nO,


04/20/12
"==>"



|SPRITELOG|
VRISKA: Well, there's an orange guy.
TAVROS: yOU MEAN,
TAVROS: tHE BIRD VERSION OF DAVE,
VRISKA: No, not Davesprite! It's just some random pointless orange guy who's 8een hassling me for some reason.
VRISKA: I can't catch a 8r8k!
VRISKA: And if that weren't enough of a nuisance, we've apparently got to deal with getting yanked out of the afterlife without a moment's notice 8y some 8ozo in a codpiece to particip8 in his grotesque 8ody fusion pranks.
VRISKA: 8etween you and me, I'm starting to think we are getting jerked around here. You know?
TAVROS: uHHH,
VRISKA: Some inexplica8le forces out there are fucking with us. They are doing everything in their power to make sure that when we're not 8eing totally humili8ted, we are staying completely irrelevant.
VRISKA: We can't let them toy with us, then just sweep us under the carpet like that. I'm not going to let our relevance 8e marginalized anymore, Tavros.
TAVROS: wHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO,
VRISKA: I think it's time to start fucking some shit up.
TAVROS: oH, nO,,,
VRISKA: More like oh yes!
VRISKA: I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of 8eing dead and useless and 8ored, and I'm not going to take it anymore.
VRISKA: You're with me, right?
TAVROS: nO WAY,
TAVROS: i LIKE BEING DEAD,
TAVROS: i LIKE IT HOW THERE ARE NO RESPONSIBILITIES, oR PROBLEMS, uSUALLY,
VRISKA: Tavros, that is the lamest thing I've ever heard you say, which is really saying something.
TAVROS: yES, iT IS,
VRISKA: You've got to quit that loser attitude and get your ass out of the sand. That's just your low self esteem talking again.
TAVROS: yES, i KNOW,
VRISKA: I'm going to have to insist.
VRISKA: You are going to join me and together we are going to fuck shit up.
TAVROS: nO, i'M NOT,
VRISKA: Yes, you are.
TAVROS: nO,
VRISKA: Yes.
TAVROS: nO,
VRISKA: Yes.
TAVROS: <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/scorpio.gif" border="0" /> yES, i WILL DEFINITELY, <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/scorpio.gif" border="0" />
TAVROS: <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/scorpio.gif" border="0" /> cOOPERATE WITH YOU WHOLE HEARTEDLY, <.img src="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/scorpio.gif" border="0" />
TAVROS: dAMMIT,
TAVROS: oKAY, fINE,
VRISKA: ::::D


04/21/12
"Jake: Proceed to time capsule."



You cannot proceed to the TIME CAPSULE because you are lying on the floor unconscious.

While descending deep into the ruins, a sudden earthquake jammed the elevator on its way down, causing you to take a nasty spill to the floor below. Luckily you were wearing your trusty SKULLTOP, preventing a more serious concussion. You nevertheless lost consciousness, and attempt with all your might to regain it.


04/21/12
"Jake: Regain consciousness."



You fail to regain consciousness.


04/21/12
"Years in the past..."



But centuries in the future.


04/21/12
"Jake: Respond."



|PESTERLOG|
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT]
TT: Happy 13th, bro.
TT: I have something for you.
GT: Whoa nelly!
GT: You are too kind my friend. What is it?
TT: It's no big deal, since it's nothin' I wasn't planning on giving you anyway.
TT: I just sort of happened to finish it today.
GT: I think i catch your drift.
GT: So my new tin comrade finally gets a head on his shoulders eh?


04/21/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Yeah, assuming I can actually send it today without another untimely paradoxification.
TT: If not, then hey, you get a sick grill full of birthday slime instead.
GT: Oh hell no. HELL no man.
GT: Well listen. If youre going to send anything to me slime or otherwise can you please at least not make the shit appear directly over my head this time?
GT: The last thing i need on my bday is another installment of and i quote manbro bukkake theater.
TT: You still don't actually know what that means, do you.
GT: Not really? Its your friggin figure of speech man. I gathered it just meant getting slimed like in ghost busters or somesuch.
TT: Kind of. I told you to look it up.
GT: Yeah yeah. Im a busy fella dirk!
GT: Wikipedia is a lot of letters to type in a thing for a man of action on the go.
GT: Im always doing adventures remember?
TT: That is such bullshit, you sit in your little jungle globe watching movies all day.
GT: Well yes. But ok i have a LOT of movies to bone up on. There are so many good ones i still havent seen.
TT: You think literally every film you watch is a masterpiece. I've never felt so much vicarious shame through someone else's atrocious taste in awful garbage.
GT: Screw you i have IMPECCABLE standards! Its just theres so much good stuff out there and ive really been on a roll with my picks lately.
TT: Do you even hear yourself, dude?
TT: Your "picks" are everything, and "lately" is always.
GT: Yes i hear myself just fine.
GT: I hear a discriminating gentlemans melodious voice and it strikes my ears as the voice of reason! Heheh.
GT: Say heres one im pretty excited about. Have you heard about this avatar jam? Its coming out next year.
TT: You mean the blue furry shit?
GT: No man it is not blue furry shit far from it. Get this. It is about this paralyzed fellow who is down on his luck and longs for adventure. And he finds it!
GT: But it is far away on an enchanted planet rich with coveted treasures. And adventure is not all that he finds oh no. He also finds romance.
GT: A beautiful blue woman from the wild teaches him the ways of her savage culture and also the ways of alien love. Together they frolic in the forest whilst sharing primal intimacy through magic sexual escapades.
TT: Ahahahaha.
GT: Whats so funny wise guy?
TT: To borrow from one of the more benighted sectors of your zeitgeist, that was "so gay."
GT: Excuse me but i fail to see what could possibly be gay about some huge elegant blue men and women having really spiritual intercourse with their tails or something.
TT: Well yeah, obviously not literally.
TT: Jake, where I'm from that word hasn't been used as a pejorative, or even much at all, in a really long fucking time.
GT: But youre from friggin texas! Arent you?
TT: Yes. But not exactly.
GT: Augh stop being such a cryptic troll all the time!
GT: Anyway avatar looks spectacular and i think my preemptive review was spot on. The bloody end!
TT: Ok but what you just said about those furries was gay as hell. It's time to face the facts.
GT: You are just treating my great taste in flicks to your aloof hipstery disdain as usual. You dont know anything about that movie. Maybe youll like it?
TT: Nah, I saw it already. That movie sucked the smelliest shit from the ugliest butt. Sorry man.
GT: Well now i know youre just trolling me. It wont be out for another year!
TT: Right.
TT: Here, let me send you the rest of this robot already.
TT: You've spent too long alone on that island as it is. I kinda worry about you.
TT: A man can only spend so much time in the middle of the damn ocean with nothing but popcultural detritus and his own thoughts to keep him company.
GT: Alrighty.
GT: I hope it wont be as difficult to finish building as the rest was to assemble.
TT: No, just screw the thing on and it's ready to go.
GT: Capital!
GT: Scoot that noggin my way at your ready then.


04/21/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Oh cool. It worked.
GT: Hehe. You nerd.
GT: Hes got your slick japanese spectacles and everything.
GT: Why is this a metal man before me or is it none other than dirk strider himself in my room??
TT: One thing at a time, bro. I haven't quite figured out a way to get myself there yet.
GT: It almost sounds like this is something youve given some thought...
TT: Ok well I don't know what you're implying there but why don't you snap that sucker on the torso and fire it up.
GT: Affirmative.
GT: I continue to boggle vacantly at your technical shenanigans.
GT: Your knack for gadgetry seems to surpass even my grandmas and she was like this big time gizmo legend.
GT: How do you even do this stuff?
TT: I guess from your perspective I must seem hells of "overpowered" in a bunch of ways.
TT: Which I kind of am, like with a ninja sword I'm basically nuts, ok?
GT: If you say so buddy. I can believe it.
TT: Yeah, but when it comes to building stuff you're probably overstating things.
TT: Like for example, if you told someone a hundred years ago you could build a computer they'd probably be like whoa shit, look at this fuckin' genius.
TT: Well actually first of all they'd say, what's a computer, I only know what horses and diseases are and shit like that.
TT: But once you actually tell them what computers are: Jesus dick! You're a wizard.
TT: But from your perspective you know it's not a big deal to build a computer. You just go online and buy a case and a motherboard and some other shit and put it all together.
TT: It's not like you're smelting the goddamn silicon in your basement and making chips in your hermetically sealed, dust-free garage.
GT: Yeah but come on its not like youre from a century in the future.
TT: Well. No.
GT: Nor am i a quaint man of the past. Pardon me but do i SOUND like some trollycar bellwether toiling in the heart of the mustache belt from the ruff n tumble year of nineteen aught nine???
TT: ...
TT: He said unironically.
GT: Give me some credit man and some to yourself as well. You are too modest about all this robotics noise.
TT: I don't know. I have a lot of time to work on stuff I guess.
TT: There are a lot of irons. You know where they are? Here's a hint. It's a pretty hot place.
GT: The kitchen?
TT: Sure, I keep some irons there too. But most of them are in the fire.
GT: Oh of course!
GT: Fire is quite notoriously the hottest thing there is. A tip top locale for a whole mess of irons!
TT: True that.
TT: I actually have so much to do and think about, one of my current projects hopefully will address that very issue.
TT: Gonna make an AI replica of my own mind. He can share some of the load. As well as make a decent intellectual sparring partner, ideally.
TT: Not that my conversations with you aren't uniquely rad. But you know what I mean.
GT: See again i think you are downplaying a pretty neat accomplishment if you ask me.
TT: Shrug. We'll see.
GT: Does that mean I'll have to deal with two dirks?
GT: One who is MORE MACHINE THAN MAN...
GT: And another who is a computer program you made hahahahahahaha.
TT: That's a super joke.
TT: But I'm guessing you won't be hearing much from the program. It probably won't play a significant role in either of our lives.
TT: I have my doubts it'll be a successful project, but who knows.
GT: Id wager a tidy sum the results of the endeavor will be sensational.
GT: I believe in you!
TT: You do?
GT: Sure bro. I always have.
GT: You have helped me out a lot and been a good friend for ages.
TT: Hmm.
GT: What?
TT: Well, I wasn't sure about doing this today, but if it's true that you do believe in me, then I guess fuck it, why not.
GT: Why not what?
TT: I guess call it an extra birthday present. But instead of a present that's awesome, consider it more like a weird confession that may change the way you feel about me.
GT: Whoa uh...
GT: Dirk are you... uh...
GT: Saying what i think?
TT: What?
TT: What do you think I'm saying here?
GT: Uh never mind sorry for interrupting.
GT: Should i sit down for this i dont know what to do.
GT: Wait i already am sitting down. Maybe i should stand up?
TT: No, just chill out. Stand up, sit down, whatever. Here's the thing.
TT: You know all these painfully obvious hints I've been dropping? That always seem to be flying over your head?
GT: Ummmmmmmm.
GT: Maybe?
GT: I think i need a towel or something.
TT: About me being from the future.
GT: Oh!
GT: Oh. Yes.
GT: I think so.
TT: Well those weren't jokes. It's true.
GT: What? Oh man are you actually serious??
TT: Yes.
GT: So like...
GT: You ARE from a century in the future.
TT: No. More like four centuries.
TT: The year 2422.
TT: Or as we say contemporarily, 411 P.C.
TT: Post Condescension.
GT: WOW.
GT: I must say this is not the announcement i was expecting.
GT: So you are a time traveler from 2422 here to help me build robots or something?
TT: No, I can't time travel. I can only send things through time, occasionally.
TT: I actually live here in the future, alone in my apartment. I can send messages to you in the past though, like I'm doing now.
GT: How?
TT: Years ago our alien friend sent me a special chat client. It's basically just Pesterchum, with some sort of alien technology embedded.
TT: It's specifically wired to communicate with your time period. As hours go by for me, the time it sends messages to also increments by the same amount, so we communicate in lockstep. As if we both existed in the present.
TT: She said it was important for Roxy and I to begin communicating with you and Jane. This is how we all became friends.
GT: Wait... you and roxy?
TT: Yes. She lives in the future too. Though we live nowhere near each other.
TT: I asked her to refrain from telling either of you. I wanted to be the one to let you know. To wait for the right moment.
GT: Holy fucking mackerel. This is amazing!
TT: So,
TT: You really are trusting me about this? Just like that? No second thought?
GT: Well yeah. Sure man why not? Wait its not a prank is it?!
TT: No.
TT: This would be a very shitty and boring "prank." I promise it isn't.
GT: Then heck yes i believe it to friggin pieces. Its an awesome thing to be true!
TT: Haha.
GT: So whats the far flung future like? Some sort of crazy robo paradise?
TT: Not quite, but there are definitely robots.
GT: Oh man what are your movies like in the future?? I bet there are some real cinematic humdingers. Like holographic stuff? Or shit you plug directly into your brain pod right? Wait you do have brain pods right?
TT: No. We don't have brain pods because those aren't a thing, you just made that up. And there are no movies in the future.
TT: There are no humans either. They all went extinct.
TT: Roxy and I are the only ones left, as far as we know.
GT: Well shit.
GT: Dirk this story got so much less awesome.
GT: Is it too late to backpedal on believing it before i start to cry?
TT: No dude, it's too late. Tears ahoy, this motherfucker gets sad.
TT: Do you want to know what happened?
GT: Sure do.
GT: Lemme just finish putting this steel melon on my brobot and then im all ears...


04/22/12
"Jake: Complete brobot."



|PESTERLOG|
GT: There he is finished.
GT: Look at this spanking iron friend from the future. He is perfect.
GT: Oh shoot dirk he just got blurry and disappeared! What the actual fuck?
TT: Don't worry, that's normal.
TT: Upon activation he goes into Stalking Mode.
GT: Stalking mode??
TT: Yes. He will stalk you in the jungle and strike when your guard is down.
GT: What? Thats crazy why would i want that!
TT: Didn't you want someone to get in scrums with?
GT: Well yeah but... man.
TT: He will give you all the scrums you can handle. Trust me, this will sharpen your combat skills.
GT: I guess youre right.
GT: I was just picturing a little good honest rough housing... why does the whole thing have to sound so sketchy and nerve wracking!
TT: Do you want to hear my grim tales of the apocalypse or not?
GT: Yes!
GT: Youre right lets put issues of fisticuffs aside for now. Tell me everything about the future.
GT: So how does humanity fuck up? Is it the nuclear holocaust? Or is it robots? Gotta be the robots right? As per the terminator.
TT: No, it's more of a gradual decline in population than that, due to an insidious power grab by an aquatic alien empress.
GT: Oh the old alien overlord story? Got it. When does she show up?
TT: She's already there, in your time period, hiding in plain sight. She has been for anywhere between fifty and a hundred years.
TT: She's the Baroness of Crockercorp. Jane's company. But of course Jane has no idea.
TT: The Baroness has been using subtle strategies to manipulate the human population through her company for a long time.
TT: On November 11th, 2011, she finally made her presence known to the world, along with her agenda for global domination.
GT: Jeez that is pretty scary. So in a few years she will be in charge of everything?
TT: No, not quite. That's just when the world finally sees her for the threat she is. She would continue to gain power by exploiting various institutions and the media from within.
TT: It would take the next several decades for her to claim the throne as Earth's absolute ruler. Her march to domination was facilitated by a number of scumbag sympathizers, and opposed by a few brave rebels, including my ancestor. Roxy's too.
TT: I think your ancestor qualifies as one too. In fact I'm sure she must have been the first member of the covert opposition movement.
GT: My grandma?
GT: I do remember when i was very young she would tell me stories of the wicked woman who raised her.
GT: Was she the evil alien?
TT: Yep.
TT: That's a whole story right there, most of which is shrouded in rumor and urban legend.
TT: But before we get sidetracked by any of that, I'll try to cover the big picture. To give you a sense of all the batshit lunacy that followed the sea hag's power play.


04/22/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Nobody at the time knew what the fuck she wanted to accomplish or what her actual motives were.
TT: But in retrospect it became clear she was trying to essentially restore the conditions of her old home world, which she used to rule over as well.
TT: She began instituting these crazy laws. First of all, people weren't allowed to reproduce. She found our usual method of procreation revolting, and anyone who engaged in it was punished by death.
TT: But she still needed an ongoing population of subjects to abuse, so to propagate the race she set up this weird system.
TT: At random intervals every citizen would be required to supply their genetic material to drones. That DNA would be collected and combined in some way.
TT: Many years later, long after the original donors had died, clones would be spawned from their DNA. So no one would ever be able to know who their "parents" were, or be able to trace their lineage.
TT: It was only through a bit of good fortune that Roxy and I were able to discover who our ancestors were.
GT: They were the rebels you mentioned? Are they alive right now?
GT: I mean in my time?
TT: Yes.
GT: Oh! I am very curious about them and also my grandma.
TT: I'll get to them, don't worry.
TT: Anyway, "Her Imperious Condescension" turned out to be especially cruel to her human subjects. I'm sure her rule was no picnic on her home world, but I think she resented humans' biological incompatibility with the ideal empire she envisioned, and became frustrated.
TT: Humanity wasn't even really her first choice for rule. There are reports that she attempted to clone members of her own species and replace the human population with them. But they all died.
GT: What happened to them?


04/22/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: The rumors say it was her own "pet" who killed them.
TT: See, she traveled from her world to Earth in this huge red space ark.
TT: In it she had gathered thousands of creatures from her planet, I'm guessing to save them from extinction.
TT: This more than anything has led me to speculate that some cataclysm happened on her home world, and she moved on to greener pastures to rebuild her empire.
TT: She bred all these creatures in secret, increasing their numbers, preparing for her eventual takeover.
TT: Each monster, or "lusus naturae," was meant to be kind of a caretaker of the young. You can see where the dramatic schism between our species and hers begins, and also why she had a reputation for being quite insane.
TT: But she also happens to have this one humongous sea monster lusus that is like her own personal bodyguard, and kind of a secret weapon.
TT: But it turns out the thing is kind of an enigma. Sort of a double edged eldritch horror. As much in her service as it is calling the shots, in some unfathomable way.
TT: Every time she tried to resurrect her race, it would slaughter them all psychically. As if it was keeping her ambition in check.
TT: Or so the story goes.
GT: Wait... these beasts tend to the young??
GT: I can tell you from first hand experience that monsters are totally rotten at taking care of kids!
GT: They do a bangup job of making em scared though. :(
TT: Exactly.
TT: The plan was beyond shitty.
GT: So does that mean you and rox were raised by these things?
TT: Nope.
TT: It was a very short lived experiment centuries ago.
TT: Humans just don't have the same evolutionary symbiosis with those things that her race had.
TT: It turns out a bunch of fuckin' alien monsters have no interest whatsoever in taking care of human babies.
TT: They mostly just wound up eating them, or at best, just abandoning them.
TT: Later she instated a lusidroid system to serve the same function, as she began phasing in more robotic solutions in favor of all this ill conceived biotech nonsense that always did nothing but backfire.


04/22/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Even drones were replaced with robotic versions. I imagine they were just easier to produce and control, since she'd given up hope of perfectly mirroring her own civilization in all its convoluted symbiotic glory.
TT: But not without a good fight, and not without taking her frustrations out on the human population.
TT: She attempted to enforce "blood casting" through efforts to genetically alter people's blood color. That was an ugly chapter. Lotta fuckin' people died from that debacle.
TT: Over the last four hundred years, the population just got smaller and smaller from these atrocities piling up. But she clearly didn't give a shit.
TT: All the while, the amount of dry land kept shrinking due to the gradual flooding.
TT: Soon there was hardly anywhere left to live, and then, that was that. No more people.
GT: Damn.
GT: Wait...
GT: Flooding?
TT: Oh. Yeah, I probably should have mentioned this up front.
TT: One of the first things she did while in power was begin melting the ice caps.
TT: It took a while, but eventually the whole world flooded.
TT: That's how it is now. It's totally soaked up in this bitch.
GT: Wow like the epic kevin costner film?
TT: Almost exactly. Especially by the same degree of shittiness.
GT: Oh man does that mean you have to drink your own pee??????
TT: You get used to the taste. Welcome it, even.
TT: That takes about 15 days in a row of hard piss drinking though.
GT: Ewwwwwwwwwwww no dude. No ew. :(
TT: Relax, I don't drink any goddamn piss, ok?
GT: Oh ok. Whew.
GT: I guess your lusis droid thingy sees to it that you have fresh water?
TT: Nope. Those stopped being a thing a long time ago too, once humans went extinct.
GT: Oh i thought...
GT: Hm. Well who raised you then?
TT: Nobody, man. I raised my damn self.
GT: !
GT: Jesus christofer kringlefucker and here i thought i was rugged!
TT: You're still pretty rugged. You're just a fucking dork about it.
GT: Thats true.
TT: I guess I did have Cal looking after me.
TT: Let's not discount the rad service of the C-man, ok?
GT: Heaven forbid.
GT: And what about roxy?


04/22/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Pretty sure the Carapacians took care of her when she was young.
GT: Wait the whatsits?
TT: Right. Another thing I forgot to mention.
TT: There are a lot of these humanoid creatures with hard shells. Some black, some white.
TT: As humanity was dwindling due to an increasingly whimsical and psychopathic Condesce, she began introducing more of these Carapacians on to the scene.
GT: Are they aliens too?
TT: Uh...
TT: Sort of. They are definitely from other planets, so, yeah. Really the deal with where they came from is a whole other story for another time.
TT: But the bottom line is at some point, somehow, she started herding a bunch of them from their home worlds on to Earth and multiplying them.
TT: Something like a hundred years ago it became clear she favored these guys more than humans as her subjects.
TT: They're very loyal and seem genuinely dedicated to serving her. Must be what they were bred for. She still treats them like shit though, unsurprisingly.
TT: All these colonies started sprouting up. Like these modular cities floating on the water.
TT: It probably sounds cooler than it is. But they're basically slums. That's where they tend to live in large numbers.
TT: Roxy lives in one of these colonies. It's about 2000 miles from where I am.


04/22/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GT: Good gravy. Those are exotic circumstances!
GT: And here i was thinking i had the most exciting and adventurous life. It turns out im just some chump on boring ass monster island in the silly old PRE apocalypse.
TT: For what it's worth, I think it's gotta be more interesting living in the 21st century than the 25th.
TT: Like it's really no contest.
GT: Youre probably right.
GT: Id be really keen on talking to roxy about this too!
GT: Im very curious about her experiences as a future lady with all the whatsits. The hard shell folk.
GT: I must say it turns my previous perception of your lives right on its friggin ear.
TT: Man, she would love to talk to you about all this.
TT: She hates keeping secrets. It's been killing her not to spill all these fucking beans way the hell prematurely.
GT: Like what is even your day to day business like in sea hitlers water apocalypse??
TT: Well, I mostly shit around in my apartment all day, building stuff, reading about history, and flipping out with my sword.
TT: Sometimes I go fishing and check out the underwater ruins.
TT: She does plenty of useless fucking around too, but at least she's got a neighborhood.
TT: She also uses one of her gadgets to gank vegetables and stuff from the past.
TT: She tries to feed the hungry neighbors whatever she can scrounge up.


04/22/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GT: Those are amazing stories. I am so lucky to have friends like you.
GT: Oh snap what about jane! Have you told her?
TT: Jane is...
TT: No. I haven't.
TT: I've dropped some hints and tested her willingness to believe something like this.
TT: It's just not going to fly. It's way too much drop on somebody all at once if they aren't receptive.
GT: Hmm. True but it seems a shame to keep her out of the loop.
TT: Well, tell her whatever you want. She'll likely think she's being fucked with.
TT: Personally, I wouldn't bother trying too hard to convince her. There's no point in alienating her.
TT: Some day she'll be ready to believe things.
GT: Okay.
GT: Wow i still have so many questions.
GT: Its incredible that this is all going to happen right around the corner! I dunno if im ready...
TT: Like I said, the changes will be a little more gradual than that. More clandestine. She'll exploit the fear caused by her revelation to the world to create intended reactions within governments and media, and her agents embedded on the inside will help nudge things in the direction she wants.
TT: Then, twenty-some years down the road, without anyone suspecting a thing, she'll suddenly be in complete control. And Earth will be fucked.
GT: I want to join the opposition!
GT: Fuck this witch i have lots of guns and reckless bravado and i want to stop her. Ill pick up where my grandma left off!
TT: Well, aside from the main reasons that won't happen, which I won't get into...
TT: It still wouldn't be a good idea.
GT: Horse shit why not?!
TT: Cause people way better at this than you tried and died?
TT: You said you wanted to hear about our ancestors.


04/24/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GT: Heck yes bro.
TT: Well, how much do you actually know about your grandma? What have you read, and what do you remember?
GT: My memory of her is pretty foggy.
GT: I do know she loved adventure just like me. Thats why she was exploring this island and raising me here when she died.
GT: She was a fair markswoman and knew her way around an atom or two.
GT: Pretty sure her company made a tidy fortune til it went belly up. At least i still have a few of her knickknacks for keepsakes.
GT: And as you confirmed she was raised by that evil spinster.
GT: But then again from some of the things my pen pal has said it kind of throws some of these details into question so i dunno what to think.
TT: I don't know what the deal is with your pen pal either, and I'm not really prepared to speculate on that right now.
TT: But I'm privy to a shitload of historical data I can share. What's the last thing you remember about her?
GT: It was the night i found her dead!


04/24/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GT: She had gone off to study the ruins one day. Im pretty sure that was her purpose on this island. To study the technology here and solve all of the astonishing mysteries.
GT: She even built that big fancy house we used to live in so i guess she really wanted to settle here for a while.
GT: But she didnt come home from her expedition for a couple days so i started to get worried.
GT: I followed the trail we usually take to the lagoon while keeping my eyes peeled for monsters.
GT: But instead i found her lying there dead.
GT: I think a monster caught her off guard. There were three big fang marks in the body and a trail of blood along the path.
GT: It looked like she was trying to get home but couldnt make it before succumbing to the injury.
GT: But before i could even do anything about it i heard an explosion. I looked back at the hill and my house was gone!


04/24/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GT: Just a big poof of smoke where it was standing. So i lived alone in the jungle ever since.
TT: Huh. I've wondered about all that.
GT: Well you never asked!
TT: Oh I know. I would have. But asking about your past would have just been inviting you to do the same. You know how it goes.
GT: Indeed.
TT: But for the record, I don't think those were fang marks on the body, dude.
GT: No?
TT: Finish the story first. Then what?


04/24/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GT: Oh theres not much more to it. I had to deal with grandmas body.
GT: I would have loved to give her a proper and dignified memorial like janes granddad got.
GT: God jane is so lucky every day in her household must be like weekend at bernies! What a riot it must be im so jealous.
TT: Yeah, what a fucking treat.
TT: A living room corpse party every goddamn day.
GT: I know right!!!
GT: Alas i had to dispose of the body with haste so the monsters wouldnt eat her.
GT: So i just made a little camp fire and burned it. I keep the ashes deep in the ruins which is where i think she liked it best.
GT: Hopefully there isnt an earthquake or something that would knock the urn over in a predictable and hilarious fashion.
TT: No way man.
TT: I'd bet my bottom boonbuck that shit's eternally safe.
TT: That urn's like the Fort Knox of standing upright forever because of no accidents.
GT: Heheh yeah.
GT: So then after camping out the next day i went exploring and found my room globe mostly intact sitting in the jungle so thats where i lived since.
GT: And thats pretty much it!
GT: I sure miss my grandma though she was the best.
TT: She was definitely very brave, if the stories are true. Downright audacious, I'd say.
GT: What did you hear?


04/24/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Well, like I said. She was raised by the Baroness. It was probably a worse childhood than either of us had.
TT: She wasn't related obviously. Ain't nobody's related to a damn fish alien. Except other fish aliens probably.
TT: She had an adoptive brother too. Life must have been miserable for both of them.
GT: Yes i vaguely remember her mentioning him.
GT: Cripes the things she told me now that i think about it. She said the witch even killed her dog!
GT: Is that true?
TT: I don't know, but wouldn't doubt it.
TT: There are other urban legends that she did a lot of experiments on animals and people. Mostly to do with mind control.
TT: Like figuring out ways to unlock all of her psychic alien potential, to increase her power.
TT: Not sure if that's true, or if it was actually successful though.
GT: So what youre saying is pretty much any unspeakably horrible thing she could have done she probably did?
TT: Yes.
TT: Anyway, your grandma managed to run away when she was quite young. Maybe it was a traumatic event like dog murder that prompted her to flee, who knows.
TT: Whatever the case, her bro stayed behind. The guy must have been seriously immune to witnessing fucked up shit, because he went on to be a famous comedian. A real kindly old cornball. A nicer guy you couldn't hope to meet, they say.
GT: Haha wow. Must have been a hell of a guy.
TT: So...
TT: You're not making any connections there?
GT: Where? Huh?
TT: Famous comedian, about the age of your grandma, inheriting the family name of the Baroness...
TT: Not ringing a bell?
GT: What are you talking about! Dirk stop speaking in riddles and keep telling the story i am on tenterhooks here!
TT: Ok, well it's not like it's that important. Just a super obvious thing that'll probably occur to you later when you're looking in the fridge you don't have, at which point you'll feel like an idiot.
GT: Oh my god you can be one opaque motherfucker just clue me in bro!
TT: Nah, it'll be funnier this way.
GT: STRIIIIIIDEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!!
TT: Moving on.


04/24/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: That kid kept the family name but obviously your grandma didn't.
TT: She must've held a grudge against the Baroness her whole life. She started by taking a different name she knew would stick in her craw.
GT: Oh! I remember this.
GT: I believe she said the witch used to be married to a terrible man named english.
GT: So because the witch really hated that guy she took on his name as sort of a big ole fuck you to the woman?
TT: That's probably close to the truth, but it sounds like the kind of story an old lady tells her young grandson in a way he would understand. Or at least wouldn't scare the shit out of him.
TT: What I've read is something much more sinister, as usual.
TT: There's supposedly only one thing the Baroness fears, and your grandma learned of this somehow.
TT: It wasn't an ex husband though. It was her superior. Some kind of demon, or another alien, no one really knows. But he went by the name English. He's supposedly even more brutal than she is, if you can believe that.
GT: So im named after a demon? What kind of demon is named english anyway?
TT: What kind of alien is named Crocker? It's probably just a name he stole from someone else, like the Baroness did.
GT: I guess its kind of cool being named after a demon whos so scary even the witch is afraid of him.
TT: Yeah, well, your grandma thought so.
TT: Everything she did in life thereafter seemed to be in effort to piss off the batterwitch.
TT: Like starting a competing tech company, heavily branded in a way that was presumably intended to remind the Baroness of her boss.
TT: Like with skulls and garish colors and shit. The dude is some kind of skull monster I guess?
GT: I love skulls!
TT: I know.


04/25/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: It was definitely brave on her part, but ultimately it got her a bankrupt company, a blown up house, and a fork through the torso for her trouble.
TT: But she must have been the first to understand how dangerous the Baroness was, while acting in covert opposition.
TT: Others would follow, and continue to as of now, in your time period.
GT: These are your ancestors?
TT: Yeah, mine and Roxy's were among them.
GT: Anyone ive heard of?
TT: Of course. All these fuckers are totally famous, obviously.
GT: Oh sure obviously.
TT: We've talked about the guy I'm genetically derived from a lot actually.
TT: Like, you know, every time I've ever talked about my bro?
GT: Gadzooks of course!!!
GT: With all your future mindfuckery you made me completely forget about your vaunted hollywood sibling.
GT: I shoulda asked where he fit into the picture if you were raised alone. I can be dumb as a bag of penny candy sometimes.
TT: Sometimes.
TT: Other times you're on point, like a bag of the nickel shit.
GT: Whoa now those are the sweets kept in reserve for millionaires. Such flattery!
TT: Ok, what we're sayin' stopped meaning anything, so I'll continue.
GT: Right. So then he was never actually your bro?
TT: No, that's just kind of how I view him.
TT: Lalonde took a more maternal view of her ancestor.
GT: The lady who wrote all the dreary wizard books i presume?
TT: Yeah, the CotL series. Ever read it?


04/25/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GT: No i tried its too depressing. And also uh kind of impossible to understand?
GT: I told roxy i liked it though i didnt want to hurt her feelings so dont say i said that.
GT: I think ill wait for the movies to come out i bet ill like those better.
TT: You don't say?
GT: I do say! Hey you mustve seen them what being in the future are they any good?
TT: They are not.
GT: Phooey to that. Like i even believe you!
TT: The books are pretty interesting though, if somewhat dense.
TT: They're supposedly heavily allegorical. Veiled representations of cosmic events surrounding the witch and her boss and how all this came about.
TT: It's the kind of thing you wouldn't pick up on unless you were someone who understood what happened, like the Condesce, which was kind of the point. I think it was her way of letting the witch know, "I'm on to you."
TT: In the early days of the resistance movement they both opposed her more indirectly, through their art, like critics of tyrannical governments often used to.
TT: They had to be careful. Didn't want to make big waves too early.
TT: My bro did this too with his many fine films.
TT: Practically everything was a symbol for something. Either in mockery of the batterwitch, or conveying some hidden message to its audience. Each film was always rigorously picked apart for its head-scratching symbolic meaning.
TT: But he managed to accomplish all that without ever compromising the purity of his ironic vision, which I think was admirable.


04/25/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GT: Fuck yes the sbahj films RULE.
GT: Screw the haters! Thats what i say.
TT: You also say that about Weekend at Bernies.
GT: Man that is a scandalous mischaracterization. Nobody hates weekend at bernies!
GT: The WAB films are generally regarded as so unremarkably mediocre they dont even attract any trolls who care enough to shit on it. Believe me ive tried to get in debates with people about it!
TT: Yeah, you pretty much touche'd the fuck out of that.
TT: But we are definitely in agreement about my bro's films as the masterstrokes they were.
TT: He just kept cranking them out, too. He really stepped up production after 11/11/11, even though the cat was finally out of the bag. He was very dedicated to his craft.
GT: Dang i can hardly wait to see them!
TT: Yeah. I wouldn't hold your breath about that.
GT: Why not?
TT: Man, fuck it. I'll just send you them.
GT: !!!!!!!!!
TT: Just keep a lid on them. We don't need any weird causality shit rearing its head here. That would be dumb.
GT: I will guard each glistening compression artifact with my life, as if a jewel pilfered from a tomb.
TT: Which was the last you saw?
GT: Well there was sbahj the movovie and sbahj the the film...
GT: Oh yeah and sbahaj the movle. I think sbahj the moive is still in production right?
GT: But honestly i get confused about which particular misspelling is attributed to which film or even if im getting the misspellings right.
TT: The key to sorting it all out is to understand it doesn't actually matter.
TT: Through video streaming services he would frequently set it up so that buying a certain title would ship you the wrong film.
TT: And often titles for movies were available for sale that just straight up didn't exist. Or would be sold for dollar amounts that made no sense, like $2.890.1. And sometimes buying a download would actually deposit money into your account instead of deducting from it.
TT: It was all part of the "experience."


04/26/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GT: Your forebears are certainly entrepreneurial if nothing else.
GT: I can get behind the idea of making a killing if it means i also get to be as good at doing adventures as i hope to be.
GT: Did they ever bring the battle to the witchs doorstep or were the blows dealt strictly through public masquerades and theatrics?
TT: Yeah, they got pretty deep into the shit eventually.
TT: They were both very skilled combatants. I'm pretty sure she had some weird powers too.
GT: Powers you say?
TT: Communion with occult forces. Something like that.
TT: She knew things. Had visions. It's why she was able to write those books, and more importantly, why Roxy and I were able to survive here.
GT: How?
TT: They knew we would be here some day. So they prepared for our arrival.
TT: I live in what used to be my bro's old apartment four hundred years ago. The whole city is gone, but this one unit was somehow protected.
TT: He left some supplies for me here. Like a lifetime supply of orange soda in the crawl space, along with a fuck ton of SBaHJ merch. It was like discovering my own personal holocaust of bulbous jutting bottoms.
TT: Plus some weapons, some other gear. And a killer pair of shades.
TT: Roxy's mom used to live in her place too, and left some stuff she might need lying around. This was way before there were Carapacian colonies though.
TT: I think her house must have been a kind of kernelized structure, like a potential colony. Something built to undergo modular self replication if activated.
TT: I'm sure her mom knew that. It's been a good way for Rox to blend in.
TT: I stick out like a sore thumb here of course, but it hasn't really been a problem yet.
GT: So...
GT: They knew you would show up in the future some day and prepared for that...
GT: Doesn't that mean they also knew they weren't going to be able to stop the witch?
TT: Probably.
TT: But they went down fighting anyway.
GT: Wow.
GT: Thats brave and kind of sad.
TT: Yeah. But wouldn't you?
GT: Of course!!!!!
GT: You always go down guns blazing. Thats what a hero does when he loves adventure and has guns.
GT: If theres one thing movies have taught me besides the fact that guys using a corpse as a silly puppet is friggin HILARIOUS it is THAT FACT.
TT: It's not like their rebellion was totally futile.
TT: They took a lot of shitheads down with them.
GT: Who?
TT: Sympathizers.
GT: Eugh! Just the thought of such scoundrels turns my stomach!
TT: They should.
TT: In order for you to understand, I'll have to fill you in on the ridiculous final gasps of human civilization, taking place over the several decades leading up to its absolute enslavement.
TT: The decades which immediately followed the "rebranding."


04/26/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: As I mentioned, Crockercorp's rebranding on 3-11, as it was often referred to in the news, totally changed everything.
TT: It marked the beginning of a completely shameless downward spiral of western civilization, through a series of events that were probably hard to notice at the time, but quite glaring when evaluated historically.
TT: Though the Baroness made very few substantive gestures of aggression, the global fear of her looming threat would trigger all the changes she needed.
TT: Governments prepared for war, as if to defend against the invading alien armies she undoubtedly commanded.
TT: But of course, she had no army. She was always the only of her kind.
TT: Instead, the world powers were only setting about to build her armies for her.
TT: The media deteriorated into this preposterous circus that was in all practical ways inseparable from the power base and government institutions.
TT: Popular entertainers became dangerous demagogues, and their roles in the media blurred with those of executive authority.
TT: And the most dangerous were the ones who fed into the fear and hysteria most effectively.
TT: These tended to be plants. Unscrupulous shills paid by the Baroness to move her agenda forward.
GT: Dang.
GT: I would like to think i will not be suckered by their silvery tongues whenever they come along.
TT: Well the thing is, most of them are already on the scene in your time.
GT: Who!
TT: Ever hear of Guy Fieri?
GT: No?
GT: I dont think so.
TT: You're fortunate then.
TT: He was an especially degenerate piece of filth.
TT: He used his connections and guile to wriggle into the spotlight, and then on to other positions of power.
TT: He somehow landed on the U.S. Supreme Court. Over the years, other justices started mysteriously disappearing without being replaced.
TT: After helping rewrite the constitution to form an incomprehensible patchwork of fascism, theocratic mandates, recipes, and bad rap lyrics, he weaseled his way up the ranks to become the High Chaplain of Interstellar War.
TT: I'm just gonna cut to the chase, cause really this ain't a big history lesson here.
TT: He eventually came to be regarded as the third and final Antichrist.
TT: No other human in history was responsible for more death and suffering.


04/26/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GT: That boorish cur!!!
TT: Yes, that's exactly the phrase I would use to describe someone responsible for the extermination of five billion people.
TT: It was just so uncivilized of him.
GT: How could such an atrocity be allowed to happen?
GT: Was his personal magnetism really that overwhelming?
TT: Maybe overwhelming in the wrong direction, yeah.
TT: But it didn't happen overnight. It was a gradual decline in the integrity of the system that allowed it.
TT: Eventually the wheels came off and the political scene mirrored the absurdity of the media circus.
TT: By the time Presidents Jay and Dope were elected, western civilization had officially fucked itself over forever, and I think everyone knew it.
GT: Oh no.
GT: When does that happen?
TT: 2024. The last free election the world would ever see.
GT: So like...
GT: They were on the ticket together? As president and vice president?
TT: No, man.
TT: They were both president.
TT: They were the first Dual-Presidents of the United States of America. Also the last.
TT: They were also the first and last juggalo presidents. The founding fathers warned us about this, but nobody listened.
GT: They did? Warned us about what exactly?
TT: The Mirthful Executives.
TT: George Washington had prophetic nightmares about them. He tried to warn people, and get language amended to the constitution to prevent it.
TT: Like forbidding the election of what he famously described as "a pair of salty bards," or "unruly jesters given to the sweet drink."
TT: But everyone just thought he toked too hard on the colonial cannabis or whatever.
GT: Im not sure i follow. These are like clown presidents or such?
TT: Yes. They were a shitty rap duo from your time.
TT: But they ran a hell of a campaign. By then the juggalo party had gotten huge. While the numerous other candidates split the moderate vote, they retained a very energized and devoted base.
TT: You could say their party had a big tent.
GT: Dirk i really dislike the future you are describing.
TT: Hey me too.
TT: They were swept into office on a wave of Faygo, and the presidential inauguration was the biggest Gathering of the Juggalos of all time.
TT: They all hosed each other down on the Whitehouse lawn with shitty soda. The "D.C." in the capital thereafter officially stood for "Dark Carnival."
TT: Of course their campaign was helped considerably by having support from the Baroness.
TT: In retrospect, people developed the impression that it was all a part of her sick sense of humor.
TT: There was this sense that she just loved the idea of delegating the extreme subjugation of the world's population to a pair of demented clown rappers.
TT: Some have speculated this was just another way she was attempting to resurrect her previous model of governance, though this seems kinda far fetched to me.
TT: Who the fuck ever heard of an alien juggalo? To me this is about as stupid as the crackpot theories get.


04/26/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GT: I still dont really know what a juggalo is.
GT: Do they juggle?
TT: Don't worry about it.
TT: People were less prepared for a double juggalo presidency than they ever imagined.
TT: I'm not even going to get into all the horrifying details. Trust me, you just start to feel dirty reading about it.
TT: From the moment Fieri held up the bible to swear them in, and the three of them proceeded to publically defecate on it while freestyling rap lyrics...
TT: That was it. Everyone in the world watching it on TV just said, "Welp. Show's over. Civilization was pretty cool while it lasted."
TT: The next several grueling terms of their presidency was a weird combination of authoritarian practices. The Baroness used it as a puppet regime, while still basically giving them carte blanche to carry out their idiotic whims.
TT: Faygo was pumped through the plumbing instead of tap water. The new national pastime was having type 2 diabetes. And the national anthem was replaced by a 3 minute high-reverb audio clip of President Jay farting into a microphone while laughing.
TT: Chaplain Fieri was authorized to set up the death camps, in which anyone on the planet could be imprisoned if they were not deemed sufficiently "mirthful."
TT: And so the cleansing began, priming humanity for its new ruler waiting in the wings.
TT: This was when our ancestors had enough.
TT: The resistance movement had failed, but they could at least bring the war criminals to justice.
TT: My bro finally caught up with the presidents and challenged them to a duel.
TT: They accepted, having for years regarded him as a cocky rival rapper who failed to show them the proper respect. In their arrogance they invited him into the foul belly of the Carnival believing they could teach him once and for all what it truly meant to be down with the clown.
TT: For centuries thereafter, survivors of the Hilarocaust would cite the rooftop showdown as one of the most heroic moments in human history.


04/26/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: He killed them both.


04/26/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Unfortunately, as they were only figureheads, no liberation followed. There would be no parades in the streets, or statues cast, or medals awarded.
TT: The few witnesses would report seeing only a man with a sword on a shitty skateboard, gently rising into the night sky.
TT: No one ever saw him again.


04/27/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Meanwhile, Roxy's mom was tracking down the High Chaplain.
TT: His crimes had already been committed. She couldn't repay them by any stretch of the imagination.
TT: But she could wipe the blood stained grin off that fat bastard's face.


04/27/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: She gouged his eyes with a pair of needles.


04/27/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: And rode his torso to the bottom of the bloody falls.


04/29/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Reports of what happened to our ancestors after that are sketchy.
TT: There were no eye witness accounts I've found, but some believe they regrouped and confronted the Condesce herself.
TT: With all her high ranking officers dead, and the human population decimated and sufficiently groomed for her arrival, there was no reason to stay behind the scenes anymore.
TT: After those dreadful years of putting up with a more vulgar brand of authoritarianism, when she finally stepped forward to claim her throne, it actually came off as somewhat dignified. Elegant, in a way.
TT: She was no less severe, but at least she knew how to act like an empress.


04/29/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: But even if they did manage to confront her, there was no way they could win. She had too many crazy alien powers.
TT: Her boss supposedly had jacked her power level through the roof. I even heard, and don't quote me on this, that she may have been over 9000.
GT: Heavens to betsy.
GT: That figure is just absurd.
TT: Yeah.
TT: And that's not even to speak of the generic smorgasbord of other powers she was rumored to have.
TT: It gets hard to separate the fact from the urban myth.
TT: But for reference, if you want to believe it all, just picture all the X-Men combined into one sexy fish woman in a skin tight suit.
GT: Whoa momma.


04/29/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Whatever actually went down, they're surely both dead now.
TT: I guess it had to happen like that, though.
TT: There's no way the Condesce would allow us to be born within even a century of our genetic forebears. The thought of that was completely disgusting to her.
TT: But I really would have liked to be able to meet them.
TT: I guess some things would just be too awesome to ever stand a chance of happening.
GT: Yeah i know the feeling. :(
GT: Wait...
TT: What?
GT: Dirk didnt you tell me at some point that you did find evidence the witch killed them?
TT: As of now? No.
GT: Are you sure? I SWEAR i remember you saying something about that.
TT: How could I have said anything like that before today? This was obviously the first time I mentioned any of this.
GT: Oh.
GT: I am just having the NUTTIEST deja vu thing going on now. I feel weird.
TT: ...
GT: I guess i am mistaken. Never mind.


04/29/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Ok.
TT: I will disregard your anomalous observation for now and continue conversing as if it never happened.
GT: Right. Good plan.
GT: Um.
GT: Anyhoo thats a heck of a tragic and thrilling tale dirk.
GT: I am still totally cockeyed and catawampus about it all i dont even know what to think.
TT: But you believe me, right?
GT: Oh yeah every word of it!
TT: Wow.
GT: Why shouldnt i? You are my friend and i trust you.
TT: I still just think it's impressive, is all. Even after all this time. You are pretty much a one of a kind dude.
GT: Heh not really i just like believing stuff and believing in people.
GT: Wait what do you mean?
TT: About what?
GT: When you said after all this time?
GT: You just told me now!
TT: Yes.
GT: Hang on.
GT: Blarg! The deja vuey shit is happening again!!!
GT: Okay i am SURE weve had this conversation before so many things are familiar.
GT: I remember you saying the one of a kind dude thing and i remember saying the word catawampus and...
GT: All of it!
GT: Whats going on?
TT: Took you long enough to figure it out.
TT: Pages really are a slow burning class. Damn.
GT: Figure what out!
TT: You're asleep.
GT: Oh.
GT: Thats right. I fell off the platform thing and i guess i got knocked out?
TT: Yep.
GT: So im dreaming.
TT: Kinda.
TT: It's a dream bubble.
GT: Whats that?
TT: A place in the infinite abyss where sleeping people can share dreams with each other while revisiting memories.
TT: Also where they can meet dead people.
GT: So we are sharing a dream together?
GT: And youre currently asleep too? Uh. Currently in the future?
TT: No.
TT: Even if I was, I wouldn't visit a dream bubble. That only happens when your dream self is dead, like yours is.
TT: Mine is not.
GT: Hm. I guess i understand?
GT: So whats the deal then? Wait.
GT: You said this is where they meet dead people too...
GT: Shit! Dirk are you dead? Are you a ghost!?
TT: No, dude. Chill. I'm fine.
GT: Then what the fuck is going on! Who am i talking to?
TT: Well, who are the people you talk to when you have a regular dream?
GT: What? Uh...
TT: Like just a boring normal dream, and there's a person you're talking to. Who is that?
GT: I dont know?
TT: It's nobody. Just a projection of your own mind.
TT: Dream bubbles don't always need to be shared by dreamers or dead people. You can go to sleep and wake up in one alone, reliving an old memory.
TT: Kind of like a normal dream. Until you remember it's just a memory, which is where we are now.
GT: Okay.
GT: So.
GT: I am having like a lucid dreamy thing in a magic bubble and you are just like a figment of my imagination?
TT: Yes, basically.
GT: So im talking to myself! Thats kind of stupid!
TT: Well, yeah. But not quite.
TT: You could view me as a projection of the real Dirk within your mind, as expressed through all of your thought patterns about him.
TT: So I'm kind of a splinter of his corporeal self who happens to live in your awareness.
TT: I'm a startlingly close approximation to the real thing, for all intents and purposes.
GT: Just how startlingly close are we talking?
TT: I'm not going to give you a bogus percentage like the glasses cause that's not my shtick.
TT: But pretty damn close.
GT: Okay thats fair.
GT: But.
GT: Man.
GT: There is something that feels kind of weird about this. You being in my head... its a little messed up!
TT: What's messed up about it?
TT: You were the one who put me here, with your intimate understanding of all his mannerisms and predilections.
TT: And a splintered existence is pretty much how he rolls.
TT: This is how shit is bro.
GT: Ok im sorry for saying its messed up but...
GT: Its still a bit frustrating! Ive been trying to talk to you all day.
GT: But all i get is your pesky responder bedeviling me at every turn and your friggin robot punching me across the ocean and then throwing a weird tantrum and ripping his nuclear heart out in front of me.
GT: And if that werent enough i tumbled off the doohickey and knocked myself out and now im strolling down memory lane with your fake brain ghost!
GT: Its like you are surrounding me from all sides with imitations of yourself but never the REAL YOU!!!
GT: Cheese and fucking crackers when do i just get to talk to the actual dirk?
TT: Jake, what do you even know about someone's actual self?
TT: What makes it actual? What is "actuality?"
GT: What a horseshitty question!
GT: I dont know anything about actuality i guess but i know some philosobabble horseshit when i dadblasted hear it.
TT: I'm just saying, this isn't really your field of expertise.
TT: Dirk is the heart guy. He's the one walking the path of self, even when he doesn't know it. Like right now.
GT: But what does that mean?
GT: And how can you really be made of only my thoughts when i dont even know what youre talking about sometimes?
GT: Or when i didnt know some of the things youre telling me? Like about being in a dream bubble?
GT: How can i tell myself about that stuff through brain ghost dirk!
TT: Who says you don't know those things on some level?
GT: I dont think i do!
GT: I have no business knowing those things.
TT: Pages have a lot of untapped potential.
TT: That's practically all there is to the class, actually.
TT: But when they eventually find it, look out.
TT: And the ones who deal in hope? Shit, man.
TT: I'm scared of you already, and I'm not even real.


04/30/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GT: Are you sure you arent real?
GT: No offense but I kind of get the same smartass vibe from you as i do from the responder.
GT: Like har har i have the same basic personality as dirk but without any accountability or anything so let me just be kind of flippant and mess with this jake fellas head!
GT: You know what im saying?
TT: Yes.
TT: That's a surprisingly decent observation about me.
GT: Yeah see i think i maybe did a little TOO good of a job brain cloning you? This is way too much like talking to the REAL fake dirk.
GT: Holy cow what a dumb sentence that was.
TT: You did do a good job.
TT: A perfect job, in fact.
TT: Untapped potential, remember?
TT: I don't think one of Dirk's splinters could exist nearly as well in anyone's mind other than yours.
GT: Well thats just spiffy for me but im starting to feel somewhat like im being haunted by you now.
GT: I just want to talk to my real buddy. And by real i just mean the ORIGINAL GUY.
TT: What do you even want to say to him?
GT: Oh i dont know.
TT: It's not like you can keep any secrets from me here.
TT: I pretty much am your brain.
GT: Aaah! No dont say that its so weird.
TT: You do realize he's coming for you.
TT: Dirk. In the real world. The man has his designs.
GT: Yes. I know.
TT: Wanna talk about it?
GT: With you? No!! Thats like...
GT: Thats like talking to him about it which is like really jumping the gun i think.
TT: What better chance is there to try talking about it than with a stunt double for your hyper-aggressive suitor within the safety and privacy of your own mind?
GT: But i cant yet! I just cant.
GT: There are some feelings im not sure how to put into words yet and doing it in front of you whether youre a stunt double or brain puppet or whatever it just makes me feel uncomfortable!
TT: So there are feelings you don't want to try to put into words, even while you are dwelling entirely within the realm of your own mind?
GT: Yes.
GT: What is so hard to understand about that?
TT: What about the spider ghost?
GT: Huh?
TT: The girl you saw.
TT: When you got fucking clobbered by Dirk's robot and you passed out.
TT: You dreamed about a spider ghost alien girl.
GT: Oh yeah.
GT: What about her?
TT: You like her.
GT: Man what?
GT: Thats dumb i saw her for three seconds and she waved at me and i woke up!
TT: Yeah, and it took all of three seconds for you to fall in love with the cute spider ghost.
GT: Why do you keep calling her a ghost??
TT: Cause she's been dead for a zillion years, dude.
GT: Oh. Well.
GT: Holy shit?
TT: That won't change the fact that you like her, let's not pretend it will.
TT: You're going to make things complicated for yourself.
GT: No i wont.
TT: Yeah you will. You're too fuckin' wishy washy.
TT: Between Dirk, spider ghost, Jane...
TT: Man, poor Jane.
GT: What? What about jane?
TT: You tell me.
TT: What was even the deal with that?
GT: Our last chat ended on very pleasant and amicable terms! She was upbeat and chipper as ever. I fail to see what reason one might have to feel sorry for her.
TT: Uh, yeah. You totally read her like a book.
TT: Really handled that conversation like a champ.
GT: Wait... didnt i?
TT: Look out bitches. It's Jake "Casanova Ladyslayer" English. He's packing heat, and is frequently able to parse the literal meaning of things women say.
GT: What are you getting at!
TT: We're running out of time.
TT: She'll be here soon.
GT: Jane?!
TT: No, doofus.
TT: Spider ghost.
GT: Whoa.......
GT: Whoa ok.
GT: Where? Wait. She is??
GT: Oh fuck.
TT: Look at you. I'm telling you.
TT: Three damn seconds of ogling an alien in a blue dress, and you're completely hopeless.
TT: Stop fidgeting around like that. Your hair looks fine.
TT: Do you want me to tell you how your breath smells?
GT: Screw you!!!
GT: I am cool as SUCH a cucumber.
TT: Ok then.
GT: Uh.
GT: Why does my breath not smell ok?
TT: You're dreaming, Jake.
TT: Your breath is only a thing if your brain wants it to be.
GT: Oh okay whew.
GT: When is she coming? Why is she visiting my dreams?
TT: Soon.
TT: She's been waiting for the right time to enter. Waiting for you to snap out of the memory.
TT: Clearly the girl has the patience of a saint.
GT: Alright...
GT: Dang! Its warm in this dream bubble. How can i be sweating in a dream??
GT: Where do i keep the dream towels...
TT: Will you calm the fuck down?
TT: I'm a figment of your imagination, and you're still making me nervous.
GT: But really who is she? Whats her deal and what does she want from me?
GT: Since all this so called untapped potential in my subconscious taking the form of yet another sassy dirk clone seems to know everything would it be ok if i troubled my own brain for a few flipping answers???
TT: You should try to be more polite to me. Seeing as I am a representation of your entire mind, I have complete control over all your basic functions.
TT: I could trigger a particularly spirited bowel movement right before she gets here, so watch your step.
GT: Augh no no no im sorry im sorry dont!
TT: Just kidding, dude. Jesus.
TT: I would never make you shit your pants in front of a girl you liked, even if she does happen to be my chief competition.
TT: We Dirk splinters can be pretty Machiavellian but we do actually have some fuckin' standards.
GT: Okay. Thank you for promising to keep my trousers tidy.
TT: Anyway, she's visiting now to bring you into the loop on some things.
TT: Important details you should know about your relation to the bigger picture.
TT: The much, much bigger picture.
GT: I still dont understand how you know... or excuse me MY BRAIN knows this stuff. Because im a page? How does that make sense?
GT: And also if you know the things she will say why dont you just tell me the things?
TT: Intuition and the subconscious mind are powerful things when harnessed the right way.
TT: As for why I don't tell you, why not just let her tell you?
TT: You're the one with the damn crush on her.


04/30/12
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GT: Ok dude shes here shoosh!
TT: I know.
GT: Oh man. Ummmm...
TT: What the fuck are you looking at me for?
TT: Say something to her, jackass.
GT: Okay i will i will youre distracting me though! Can you scoot over a bit?
TT: Oh my god. Fine.
GT: Hi there! Welcome! Er...
GT: Dont mind him hes just a brain clone of my best friend. I know that sounds crazy. Heh.
TT: Bro, she can't even see or hear me.
TT: You're making a fool of yourself.
GT: Wait she cant? Why didnt you tell me that!!! You are really throwing me off here.
TT: I don't know, I guess I didn't think you were going to have a neurotic meltdown at the sight of a girl.
GT: I thought you were supposed to know stuff like that seeing as you are LITERALLY MY BRAIN!
TT: God dammit, will you just chillax and woo this fucking ghost babe?
GT: How can i chillax when you keep talking to me its really disconcerting!!!!!
TT: You are totally embarrassing yourself, dude. You're talking to nobody.
TT: Man, I'm starting to feel bad for spider ghost. Look at her, she's getting uncomfortable.
GT: Shhhh just SHUT UP i cant THINK!
TT: You are being so lame, I don't care if I'm a figment of your imagination or not, I can't take this bullshit.
TT: Either you get your shit together and put the moves on this dead space vixen or I start fucking with your cortex and make you pop a dream boner.
GT: OH GOD NO DONT YOU DARE!!!!!!!!!
TT: You don't think I'll do it?
GT: NO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT GIVE ME A BONER DIRK!!!
TT: Sorry Jake. The plan's in motion.
TT: Next stop, Boner City.
GT: SO THAT WAS THE PLAN ALL ALONG???
GT: TO GIVE ME A BONER???
TT: And you
TT: ...
TT: ...
TT: ...
TT: ...
TT: Got one.
GT: YOU MOTHER FUCKER!
GT: OH...
GT: OH TEE HEE A FALSE ALARM I SEE VERY FUNNY COOL GUY!
GT: I THINK YOU ARE FULL OF SHIT!
GT: YOURE BLUFFING YOU DONT EVEN HAVE THE POWER TO GIVE ME A PHANTASMAL ERECTION!
TT: Jake, please.
TT: Members of the juggalo party aren't the only ones who can pitch a big tent.
GT: THEN GO AHEAD! MAKE MY FUCKING DAY!
GT: IM READY FOR YOU. YOU THINK IM AFRAID? ILL TAKE YOUR BONER MAGIC LIKE A MAN!
GT: IM NOT ASHAMED! I WILL STAND TALL AND PROUD AT FULL MAST IN FRONT OF THIS PRETTY ALIEN!
GT: DO YOUR WORST YOU BASTARD!!!!!
TT: This is so stupid.
TT: You are out of your mind. And this is coming from your mind itself.
TT: I can't even watch this, I'm out of here.
GT: WELL GOOD RIDDANCE TO IRONIC HIPSTER DOUCHEWAD RUBBISH IS WHAT I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT!
TT: I wonder what Jack's up to right now.
GT: WHAT?
GT: I mean... what? Whos jack?
TT: Just talk to the girl, ok?
TT: You have some damage control to do.


04/30/12
"Jack: Start Jailbreak Adventure."



You wake up locked in a deserted jail cell, completely alone. There is nothing at all in your cell, useful or otherwise.


04/30/12
"Jack: Attempt to pry open window."



There are no objects around with which to "pry open window".

Look at that. This frame is precisely identical to the previous frame. You advanced nothing whatsoever with that dumb idea.

Do you realize this adventure is nearing 5000 panels? And now we have to watch you flounder around in a jail cell for god knows how long? Exactly how many panels do you want this to go on for? Over 9000? Nobody wants that. Nobody even wants to hear the phrase "over 9000."

You need to begin making better decisions if you want to escape.


04/30/12
"Jack: Get key."



What did you not understand about the statement, "There is nothing at all in your cell, useful or otherwise."

There is no key.


04/30/12
"==>"



It is an extremely crude drawing of a key on the floor. Really, the drawing is so bad, it's ridiculous to think that some prankster thought it would fool you, which it did. Whoever drew this key clearly was employing the most primitive drawing tools available.

You are obviously being fucked with in this stupid jail cell. You expect that you will continue to be fucked with, and it makes you wish you could stab something.


04/30/12
"Jack: Get pumpkin."



WHAT FUCKING PUMPKIN. THERE IS NO PUMPKIN. ONCE AGAIN, THERE IS NOTHING AT ALL IN YOUR CELL, USEFUL OR oh god dammit.

Ok, a pumpkin appears. You guess it must be feeding time for the prisoners. These Prospitian jails are like luxury suites compared to the penal system on Derse. Should be the softest time you ever did.


05/01/12
"Jack: Consume pumpkin."



What a horrible idea. You don't eat fresh produce. The thought is revolting to you. What do you think these sharp teeth are for? Or, what's left of them at least.

You'll have to make a note to file a protest with your lawyer. Complain of cruel and unusual treatment. Their coddling criminal justice system will undoubtedly see to it you are given some proper meat to consume. Perhaps a prime cut of filet mignon, as if you are a guest of honor. What a bunch of powder puffs, with all their namby pamby morals and compassion. This kingdom makes you sick.


05/01/12
"Jack: Look out window."



You step up on the little curby thing to get a better look outside. Can't make a plan without getting your bearings.


05/01/12
"==>"



A lone sentry is on duty below. You shout a few obscenities his way. You wonder aloud what a guy has to do to get a decent meal around here. Hey, you're TALKING to that guy. It's no use though. He ignores you.

Just look at that stoic face. The unshakeable discipline. The stalwart sense of duty and pride. This is what it means to be a member of the Prospitian Royal Guard.

What a load of shit, you grumble to yourself, but loud enough for him to hear.


05/01/12
"Jack: Inspect pumpkin."



That guy won't be of any use. You doubt you could even manage to lure him into your pissing radius, magnificent though it is.

You give the pitiful gourd a little kick. A terrible thought occurs to you. What if you have no choice but to eat this awful thing? You can't let it come to that. You have to get out of here.

Hold on, what's that...


05/01/12
"Jack: Take a closer look."



Eureka. Droll you beautiful bastard.

Looks like he snuck something inside the pumpkin to help you escape. Probably a bomb. You are going to have to remember to give him a promotion when you get out of here. Or at least reduce his daily newspaper floggings.

Need to think of a way to get the bomb out of there. Can't just smash it with your foot, or it might explode and take your leg off. Too bad they confiscated your knives or you could slice the thing open neatly. Maybe even carve a funny face into it. Heh heh, you bet you're the first guy who ever thought of doing that.


05/01/12
"Jack: Search for carving apparatus."



Hang on. You remember seeing some pointy things just outside the window.

Luckily both kingdoms are totally covered in pointy things. Can't swing a dead cat without impaling it on one.


05/01/12
"Jack: Take pointy thing."



You snap off a golden pointy thing. Should be sharp enough to do the trick.


05/01/12
"Jack: Carve pumpkin."



It slices through the meat of the vegetable like a sharp spire through thick squash. This is working so well. Who the hell needs a trusty knife when you are this resourceful? Screw knives!

You take it back, you can't stay mad at knives.


05/01/12
"Jack: Open it."



You can taste your liberation already. You can't wait to hear the sweet ticking of the bomb that is definitely in there. That will be the sound of freedom, you decide.

You pull off the lid to reveal...


05/01/12
"==>"



A whole bunch of knives.


05/01/12
"==>"



God DAMN it, Droll.


05/01/12
"==>"



He's not the sharpest tool in the shed. Although now that you think about it, he might be by default, since he just sent you all the sharpest tools in the shed.

Oh well, you can probably get some use out of these. You've never once been disappointed to receive a pumpkin full of knives, and you're not about to make an exception.


05/01/12
"Jack: Empty pumpkin on floor."



You take a quick inventory of the smuggled contraband.

Hold on. Looks like he snuck something else in the pumpkin under all the knives. Something... compromising.


05/01/12
"Jack: Examine compromising material."



The Droll knows what it's like spending long, cold nights alone in the clink. A man needs a little reading material to keep him company, if you know what he means.

If your skin wasn't made of polished jet black carapace, your cheeks would be turning bright red. No one can ever know about this. You must destroy the evidence. Or disguise it somehow.


05/01/12
"Jack: Forge blade out of illicit literature."



None shall be the wiser. It is the perfect crime.

When you bust out of prison, you should be locked right back up again because of how perfect this crime is.


05/02/12
"Jack: Throw a knife down there to get that guy's attention."



That should get the guy's attention.


05/02/12
"==>"



Unfortunately it only keeps his attention until he dies, which is almost instantly.

You need to come up with a better plan. While you would argue that random stabbings are their own reward, they aren't getting you any closer to escape.


05/02/12
"Jack: Examine exit."



That door is locked tight. You're going to need a key to open it. Preferably one that isn't horribly drawn on the floor to taunt you.


05/02/12
"Jack: Knock on door."



Maybe if you knock hard enough, in just the right way, at just the right time...

Wait for it... wait for it...

Wait, no. Not yet.

Wait for it...

Wait...

...


05/02/12
"Jack: Now."



Your clumsy fist accidentally flies through the bars, knocking out a passer-by. Keys from his key ring jangle on the floor.


05/02/12
"==>"



It's quite possible one of those keys will unlock your door. But they are all well out of reach now.

What next, genius?


05/02/12
"Jack: Use knife to snag one of the keys on the floor."



You see if a knife can adequately lengthen your reach. But it's no use! They're still just outside of your modest slashing radius.


05/02/12
"==>"



No dice. Need a different approach.

Wait a minute. Another guard notices your unauthorized tomfoolery and radios for backup.


05/02/12
"Jack: Beckon other guard over."



He looks none too pleased by your misbehavior. This will surely result in reduced rations. You can expect to find a slightly smaller pumpkin in your cell come Skaia rise, mister.

You keep beckoning him. Just a little closer. A little closer...


05/02/12
"Jack: Convince second guard to pick up keys for you."



You use a little "persuasion" to see if you can get him too... Jack, no!!!

That is not how you convince someone to do something. You're supposed to save the stabbing until AFTER you intimidate him into doing what you want! How exactly is a dead guy supposed to pick up some keys for you?!


05/03/12
"==>"



Real smooth, Jack. What's the plan now? To bury the keys under a growing pile of torsos? This is turning out to be the second shittiest jailbreak attempt anyone has ever seen.


05/03/12
"Jack: Look around room."



The only remaining thing in the room worth noting is in the other corner of your cell. Just a transport pad prisoners are supposed to use as a waste receptacle. These were decommissioned in Derse prisons a long time ago. Too many prisoner suicides, and severed heads showing up in the waste bins. None of those auto-decapitations were authorized with the right paperwork, so privileges had to be suspended.

You hear the door open and slam shut. Someone else is in your cell.


05/03/12
"Jack: Welcome guest."



Looks like the sentry phoned downstairs for a little muscle. It's one of the regulator lugs they use to keep the gen pop in line. This guy has an itchy baton wrist and that look in his eye you know all too well. He's not leaving this room until one of you is good and bloody.


05/03/12
"Jack: Be the other guy."



You attempt to be this guy down here but you can't be this guy down here because he's dead.

But it does serve as a convenient cutaway for the vicious beating that is currently taking place in your cell. We don't need to be watching that kind of prison brutality. We take our sweet time looking at this dead body while terrible noises can be heard from your prison window.

Ok that should be long enough. You can stop being this guy now.


05/03/12
"Jack: Stop being that guy."



You stop being the other guy in time for us to see that you have just finished quickly and cleanly subduing the...

Jack.

Jack, the man is dead. Stop that.

Jack.

Jack.

Jack.


05/03/12
"Jack: Apologize to guard's body."



You start to feel sorry for stabbing that guy with 7 knives in the back and bashing his face into the door 89 times. Well, maybe not all 89 times. For the first 88 you felt pretty good. But by the 89th face bashing, you were definitely starting to feel pretty sorry.

And by sorry, you guess you mean bored.

Anyway, you mutter something under your breath that could EASILY sound like an apology to someone who wasn't listening very well.


05/03/12
"Jack: Give guy a proper funeral."



Whatever the state of your contrition might be, there can be no question about it. A man dedicated to royal service deserves a proper and dignified funeral.

However, since there is no casket in your cell that is nearly big enough for this lug's hefty torso, you will have to improvise.


05/03/12
"Jack: Seek alternative casket."



You sever the guard's head with your most trusted of all trusty knives, and begin sizing up that hollowed pumpkin.

It will definitely be snug, but you think you can make it fit.


05/03/12
"Jack: Make it fit."



You don't care what anyone says. You say this pumpkin was MADE for this fucker's melon. Fits like a damn glove.


05/03/12
"Jack: Close it up."



Perfect. A textbook burial for a man of honor and distinction.

The sacrifices made by our public servants don't get anywhere near the respect they deserve, you think.


05/03/12
"Jack: Bring casket over to receptacle."



His funeral will not be complete without a proper sendoff.

But a stinking garbage dump is no place for the head of a brave soldier to rest. No, you must first make some modifications to the device. Doing hard time behind bars will motivate a man to learn a trick or two when it comes to systems like this.


05/03/12
"Jack: Pry open panel with knife."



You open it up and switch a few wires around. There. Now instead of a nasty old pile of rotting pumpkin matter, the destination should be the throne room of the Prospitian palace! Surely the queen will want to be alerted to the noble sacrifice of this brave warrior so that arrangements can be made to honor the hero.


05/03/12
"Jack: Send him off."






05/03/12
"==>"






05/04/12
"==>"



You hear the door open again, followed by the sound of surly footsteps. Could it be that another glutton for a good face bashing has decided to visit your cell?


05/04/12
"Jack: Greet visitor."



Ah. You see. It appears there are quite a few said gluttons this time. Settle down, gentlemen. There are more than enough face bashings to go around.


05/04/12
"Jack: Quick, be the other guy again."



You be the other guy again while they beat you senseless.


05/09/12
"Other guy: Be Jake."



Suddenly you aren't the other guy anymore. You couldn't quite be the other guy anyway since he's dead, even though deadness hasn't really stopped us from being guys before.

Nevertheless, the dead guy starts being Jake, who is not a dead guy. Well, his dream self is dead. But his non-dead non-dream self isn't, and that's the guy we're being, a guy who is asleep. That non-dead sleeping guy is presently talking to a non-sleeping dead ancient spider ghost, who long ago earned the achievement badge, GIFT OF GAB, and boy does she know how to use it.


05/09/12
"Jake: Attempt to get a gab in edgeways."



|DIALOGLOG|
ARANEA: Well, Jake? Don't you have anything to say?
JAKE: ...
ARANEA: I think I've spent enough time introducing myself! You have hardly said a word.
ARANEA: It would 8e nice to know whether my long story has confounded you in any particular way, or if you are just 8eing shy.
JAKE: Uh...
ARANEA: Yes?
ARANEA: Jake, I understand this is very much to learn all at once, 8ut do you really want me to keep speaking until I am 8lue in the face?
JAKE: ...
JAKE: Gulp!
ARANEA: You appear to 8e perspiring heavily.
ARANEA: There is no reason to 8e so nervous, especially considering you are only dreaming.
JAKE: Shit!
JAKE: Sorry. I dont know where i put the dream towels.
ARANEA: It's ok.
ARANEA: Well, at the risk talking a8out myself a little more, I feel it would 8e dishonest not to confess.
JAKE: What?
ARANEA: I am a fairly gifted psychic.
JAKE: Whoa really?
ARANEA: Yes.
JAKE: Like you can see the future?
JAKE: Are they ghost powers or troll powers? Or wait shucks thats a dumb sounding question.
ARANEA: No, that was a fine question. They're troll powers. Sometimes those of my 8lood type will have them naturally.
ARANEA: And no, they are not prognosticative a8ilities. They let me access another's mind in a way that can 8e terri8ly invasive if a8used.
JAKE: Invasive?
ARANEA: Yes. Including the a8ility to control minds, when exploited fully.
JAKE: Uh oh.
ARANEA: 8ut don't worry. They don't seem to work the same way on your species. They're considera8ly weaker.
ARANEA: The most I can do is get an empathic impression of your emotional state.
ARANEA: So if I speculate that you are shy or nervous, it is 8ecause I can sense that you are.
JAKE: Aw man youre kidding!
JAKE: So much for trying to be cool i guess.
JAKE: Although i probably blew that when you saw me yelling at nobody about boners and stuff.
ARANEA: I wouldn't say you 8lew it, 8ut that was certainly odd.
ARANEA: Who were you talking to, if you don't mind my asking?
JAKE: That was like...
JAKE: The brain ghost memory splinter of my best friend dirk who is stuck in my head and you cant see.
JAKE: And he was kinda hassling me and trying to get me to talk to him about how his real self has a thing for me but i kind of think it would be weird to talk to his brain impostor about that? At least for now.
JAKE: And then you showed up and you caught me at an awkward moment where he was threatening to make some bodily functions happen in front of you as a joke which would have been embarrassing as all blasted heck.
JAKE: But now it turns out you can read my mind too so im surrounded by brain invaders!
JAKE: You seem cool aranea but uh when am i going to wake up?
ARANEA: I am not a 8rain invader though!
ARANEA: I said I can only sense your emotions. I think it's polite to let people know 8efore long. Otherwise I 8egin to feel a 8it underhanded.
JAKE: Ok. I guess thats not too bad.
JAKE: I think i can keep my feelings buttoned up. That is what strong and adventurous gentlemen do i think. They keep a stiff upper lip even on the inside. That way they are never embarrassed and feel slightly more brave about stuff.
ARANEA: 8ut you don't have to! That was not the point of my telling you.
ARANEA: I'm used to sensing many things from people. There aren't any feelings you could have that would 8e that surprising to me or compromising to you.
ARANEA: I really just want you to relax for the 8rief time we have in this 8u88le and talk to me.
JAKE: Um gotcha.
JAKE: But what should i talk about?
ARANEA: Well, I have spent almost no time examining this iteration of your universe.
ARANEA: The gods have given me very little access to it through the memories of others until now.
ARANEA: I 8elieve they are finally 8eginning to 8ridge the divides 8etween long estranged compartments of reality, allowing previously unintroduced parties to mingle.
ARANEA: Those from different universes, 8oth their initial iterations and their scratched re8oots. Those from different spheres, ones of creative potential and of mortality.
ARANEA: Through us all they attempt to 8ring closure to unsanctioned loops and restore sta8ility to the cosmos.
ARANEA: So I am curious a8out you and your friends. What is your life like?
JAKE: My life?
JAKE: I wish i could say it was more interesting but its actually been a mite lackluster.
JAKE: There are monsters but i try to stay away from them to tell you the truth.
JAKE: Its mostly just me sitting around here watching movies and stuff and sometimes polishing firearms.
JAKE: Guns are sweet. So are movies heh. This is a terrible story.
ARANEA: I understand. The same is mostly true for myself.
ARANEA: I can sense that you are either very impressed or in some way intimidated 8y me, 8ut when it comes down to the 8asics, a description of my life would 8e 8oring as well.
ARANEA: Why don't you show me around?
JAKE: Show you around my room? Yes ok.
JAKE: Well. There are some guns. Like i said guns are great.
JAKE: There is a whole mess of movie posters on the wall. You probably never heard of any of them being a dead alien and such.
ARANEA: Nope. ::::)
JAKE: And...
JAKE: I dont know. Theres a desk which i use to work on silly projects. And thats my bed i guess.
JAKE: Ummmm and...
JAKE: Hmm what else.
DIRK: Dude, just FYI, you've been kind of staring at her.
JAKE: (What? Shh!)
ARANEA: What was that?
JAKE: Nothing!
DIRK: I'm not trying to fuck you up here, I promise. But you gotta watch what you're thinking, remember?
JAKE: (Go away!!)
DIRK: Oh man. No. See that thought you just had? That's exactly what I'm talking about.
DIRK: She's a fucking empath, bro. She can pick up on shit like that.
JAKE: (Shhhhh not listening to you.)
ARANEA: Jake?
JAKE: Nothing! Its cool. Im...
DIRK: You have got to be kidding. Did you seriously just think something THAT dirty?
DIRK: You must be doing this on purpose to spite me now. I mean, just wow dude. That was x-rated as fuck.
JAKE: (No no stop. See youre talking about it and now i cant help it!)
JAKE: (You are psyching me into having dirty thoughts get fucking lost you interloping brain douche!!!)
DIRK: Don't worry, I'm gone. It's like a goddamn peep show in here and I feel like a sleazy piece of shit watching this from a dark corner of your mind.
DIRK: You have a graphic imagination, English. I'm kind of impressed.
JAKE: (Shut up theyre just thoughts its not even like im trying to have them THEY DONT MEAN ANYTHING!)
ARANEA: Hmm.
ARANEA: Should I leave and come 8ack during another dream?
JAKE: No!!!


05/10/12
"==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
ARANEA: Ok then.
ARANEA: What's this? An illustrated story of some sort?
JAKE: Oh hey whoa!
JAKE: Lets not worry about that its nothing really. Here give me that ok?
ARANEA: Why are you getting flustered a8out this literature?
ARANEA: Is it pornographic?
ARANEA: It does not strike me as indecent at a glance. Though may8e our cultures have different standards?
JAKE: Hahaha what? No its not that at all its just...
JAKE: I dunno its just a nerdy comic i read its no big deal.
JAKE: Theres GOT to be other stuff to talk about lets see...
ARANEA: Jake.
JAKE: Huh?
ARANEA: You know, it's not the first time I've sensed that someone felt a flushed attraction for me.
JAKE: A flushed whatsit!!
JAKE: Oh my flipping gosh...


05/10/12
"==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
ARANEA: You really don't have to 8e so em8arrassed. It's perfectly ok.
JAKE: Aaaaargh oh god oh god you sensed my stupid sexy thoughts i KNEW it.
JAKE: God DAMN you bogus brain strider!
JAKE: Someone needs to just kill me. Or at least make me wake up! This is so humiliating i dont even...
JAKE: Can you please just slap me really hard? If not in retribution for my ungentlemanly train of thought then at least to just get me to wake up and save me from my own ceaseless buffoonery.
ARANEA: Actually I do 8elieve it would 8e within the scope of my a8ilities to get you to wake up.
ARANEA: 8ut do you really want me to do that?
JAKE: Um... maybe?
ARANEA: If it is true that you think I am attractive then why wouldn't you want to spend a little more time here with me? What's the harm?
ARANEA: Are you really in such a hurry to leave and feel sorry for yourself, for no explica8le reason?
JAKE: Well...
JAKE: No.
ARANEA: I already told you, Jake.
ARANEA: I am used to sensing many different types of feelings.
ARANEA: It's given me a different perspective on emotions than most have.
ARANEA: For most, the feelings of others are often a mystery. So they are prone to speculation and paranoia a8out the motivations of people they meet.
ARANEA: The emotions of others can seem like such well guarded mysteries, people 8egin to 8elieve that's how their own emotions should 8e treated as well. So when someone can read their thoughts easily it feels like a violation.
ARANEA: 8ut to one accustomed to reading those thoughts, there isn't the same perception of violation or secrecy. It's more like examining other self evident facts a8out a person, like taking note of their appearance.
ARANEA: It's still hard for non-psychics to understand this though, even if you explain it to them. It can lead to some awkward relationships, unfortunately.
JAKE: I imagine it would.
JAKE: So...
JAKE: Youve sensed it when other fellas have had the hots for you eh?
ARANEA: Fellows, yes. And ladies. It's happened.
JAKE: Yowza!
JAKE: You mustve been popular i guess.
ARANEA: Haha! Oh no. No, not really.
ARANEA: The fact that I've 8een the fleeting o8ject of attraction to a handful really paints the wrong social picture I'm afraid.
JAKE: That is hard to believe.
ARANEA: It's my experience that people very often underestimate their own lika8ility. I sense that feeling all the time.
ARANEA: Pro8a8ly 8ecause they're in the dark a8out others' thoughts. They are usually in dou8t, so they frequently err on the side of pessimism.
ARANEA: In many cases they would 8e surprised if they knew how many around them were open to friendship, or possi8ly something more.
ARANEA: I would venture that if you had such a sense you even might 8e surprised yourself!
JAKE: Ha! Thats a laugh.
JAKE: I am quite sure my only suitor is my best bro and even then he is such a jumbled stupid puzzle of unfathomable ironies im not even sure about THAT half the time.
JAKE: I wish i had your powers that would be top notch. Id be parked on the corner of relationship lane and EASY STREET.
JAKE: I could kick back in my eligible bachelors limousine and never fuck up or ever say anything awkward like i have been doing non stop so far in this dream.
ARANEA: Let's not get carried away. That certainly does not descri8e my experience.
ARANEA: You would think 8eing a8le to sense the occasional attraction from others would 8e advantageous, and inspire confidence in yourself.
ARANEA: And it is nice when that happens, sure.
ARANEA: 8ut then, you feel the negative emotions directed at you as well.
ARANEA: And even if they are less common than the positive ones, you have a way of dwelling on them, and magnifying them far 8eyond their real significance.
ARANEA: It's funny how an a8ility that should give you all the advantages in the world over others can lead you to feel worse a8out yourself than if you never had them.
ARANEA: You put all your energy into thinking a8out people with the 8ad feelings a8out you instead of the good, and you try your 8est to fix things.
ARANEA: 8ut usually it just gets worse. People think you are over8earing and needy, and they don't understand what it is you want from them.
ARANEA: I can see why it can drive some with my a8ilities to a8use the powers.
ARANEA: Fortunately I was a8le to resist the temptation.
JAKE: So there are people on your planet who do that?
ARANEA: On the world I was from, it was rare. Only a few criminals and outcasts would.
ARANEA: 8ut in the second iteration I mentioned, it was commonplace. Like I said, things were very different.
ARANEA: In my world though, the higher castes have a lot of responsi8ilities. It wouldn't 8e right to a8use my powers.
JAKE: So you were in a higher caste because of the hemospectrum thing you mentioned?
ARANEA: Ah, so you were listening to my lengthy pream8le!
JAKE: I heard all of it!
JAKE: I was just um... well go on.
ARANEA: Yes. 8lue 8loods like myself were higher than most.
ARANEA: The jo8 of each 8lood caste was to serve the needs of all those 8elow it.
ARANEA: We were to use our progressively greater longevity and wisdom to help the lower castes learn and grow. To listen to them and try to provide whatever they were missing. Like a hierarchy of caretakers with increasing social responsi8ility. When the order functioned in harmony our civilization would flourish.
JAKE: That is sure a neat sounding science fiction utopia.
JAKE: Wait duh i mean science reality.
JAKE: But then it all went to shit because of that meddlesome demon?
ARANEA: Yes.
JAKE: The demon you say im supposed to defeat?
ARANEA: Yes.
JAKE: Hang on.
JAKE: Would that be the same demon im named after?
ARANEA: Who told you that?
JAKE: Uh...
JAKE: I guess technically my own brain did?
ARANEA: That's interesting.
ARANEA: I wasn't planning on mentioning that. Or at least not just yet.
JAKE: Why?
ARANEA: There's no reason to prematurely overcomplicate an already complicated tale.
ARANEA: All facts will fall into place in due time.
JAKE: Yeah.
JAKE: But its true right?
ARANEA: More or less.


05/13/12
"==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JAKE: Can you tell me anything more about this demon?
JAKE: All i know is he might be a skull monster.
JAKE: Wait he is a skull monster right?
ARANEA: He most certainly is a skull monster.
ARANEA: A very 8ig and angry skull monster.
JAKE: Yessss. Ok but...
JAKE: I feel like i should know more about him if im supposed to kill him.
ARANEA: I didn't say you were supposed to kill him.
ARANEA: He cannot 8e killed.
ARANEA: Long ago he discovered the secret to indestructi8ility.
JAKE: Oh...
ARANEA: Defeating a foe doesn't always involve killing.
ARANEA: He has had many incarnations in many universes.
ARANEA: If you continue on your journey for long enough, you may encounter one of them.
ARANEA: And if you have 8ecome strong enough 8y then, you may 8e a8le to defeat him in com8at.
ARANEA: And if that comes to pass, it would 8e the first defeat he has ever known.
ARANEA: You would 8e providing the first glimmer of hope to others that some day, he could 8e destroyed.
JAKE: So... you are saying i could do all this?
JAKE: Or that i will?
ARANEA: For now, I'm saying that we should get going soon, if you would like to meet the others 8efore you wake up.
JAKE: Who?
ARANEA: Is there anything else you wanted to show me 8efore we go?
ARANEA: I didn't mean to get us sidetracked like that.
JAKE: Ummm.
JAKE: Nah just some more boring junk.
JAKE: There are these fanciful branches but i dunno where they came from.
JAKE: I suspect dream sorcery.
ARANEA: They are from someone else's memory.
JAKE: Are they from a wizards memory?
ARANEA: Ha ha. No!
JAKE: Oh.
JAKE: Well I guess i could show you around outside.
JAKE: There is a jungle out there full of tremendous beasts.
ARANEA: Not anymore.


05/13/12
"==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
JAKE: Son of a BITCH! More fancy branches.
ARANEA: This way!
JAKE: What is this realm of limitless wonder?
DIRK: Realm of limitless wonder?
DIRK: God dammit, Jake.
JAKE: (Sh!)
ARANEA: It was my planet.
JAKE: Its great. Everything is so amazing!
JAKE: Who would have thunk you could have such crackerjack adventures in your dreams that are basically REAL instead of imaginary?
ARANEA: Yep!
JAKE: Or for that matter...
JAKE: That you could meet such neat people along the way.
DIRK: Your thoughts are wandering again, man.
JAKE: (Sh!)
DIRK: Whoa. Yeah.
DIRK: That gross mushy thought right there.
DIRK: Are you even paying attention?
JAKE: (No sh.)
DIRK: We've already been through this you hopeless rube.
DIRK: You might as well be saying it out loud to her.
DIRK: So why don't you?
JAKE: (Maybe i will wise guy!)
DIRK: I mean, she is pretty hot.
JAKE: (Yeah i know!!)
JAKE: (Now shushhhhhhhh.)
ARANEA: Jake, it wouldn't work 8etween us.
JAKE: Huh?
ARANEA: I'm dead.
JAKE: Yes. Right.
ARANEA: Perhaps if you died too.
ARANEA: Although, may8e not after too long?
ARANEA: I don't know how I would feel a8out that if you were a lot older than me.
DIRK: Man, what the fuck?
ARANEA: Although technically I am already so much "older" than you........
ARANEA: It would just 8e kind of strange if you were physically my senior 8y any significant margin, you know?
DIRK: This is a weird fucking train of thought. Can you tell her that?
JAKE: (No!)
DIRK: I'm going to make you have a seizure and get you to mime the message to her with your spastic gyrations.
DIRK: Pelvic thrusts will be my exclamation points.
JAKE: (Screw you!)
JAKE: (You heard her i totally have a shot hehehe!)
ARANEA: What?
JAKE: *Cough* uh go on.
ARANEA: 8ut I wouldn't want that to happen.
JAKE: What to happen?
ARANEA: For you to die soon.
ARANEA: I want you to succeed at your quest, and to live a long and happy life!
DIRK: Man.
DIRK: I'm gonna come out and say it.
DIRK: This broad is a total snore.
JAKE: Yeah right bro did you hear that at least if i kick the bucket early there will be shall i say a silver lining wink wink nudge nudge.
JAKE: It will take the form of some spooky smooches from a smokin ghostly troll babe so shut your jealous trap!
ARANEA: ::::?
JAKE: Wait.
JAKE: Oh dear.
JAKE: How uh...
JAKE: How loud was i talking just then?
DIRK: You were pretty much yelling.
ARANEA: :::;)
JAKE: Augh!
DIRK: If I were real I would be giving you a standing ovation right now.
DIRK: 5/5 hats.
JAKE: God.
JAKE: Ok just.
JAKE: Pretend to forget that maybe?
DIRK: Not a chance.
JAKE: Not you! Her!!
ARANEA: Her? Who?
ARANEA: Me?
JAKE: Sigh.
JAKE: Why dont you just tell me where were going.


05/13/12
"==>"



|DIALOGLOG|
ARANEA: I've gathered a small group of travelers for a meeting.
ARANEA: They are 8riefly passing through this 8u88le. I was hoping we could introduce ourselves to one another, and help orient an old friend of mine to the afterlife.
JAKE: Ok.
JAKE: Who is your friend?
JAKE: Another troll?
ARANEA: She was supposed to 8e the empress of all trolls, actually.
JAKE: Wow.
JAKE: So she died before she could be the empress i guess?
ARANEA: Not exactly, since she pro8a8ly never would have 8een regardless.
ARANEA: She didn't want the jo8.
JAKE: Why not?
ARANEA: Remem8er how I said each class had a duty to take care of the younger and more populous classes lower on the order?
ARANEA: Well, hers was the highest of all.
ARANEA: She was the only one on the planet with such royal 8lood, aside from the sitting empress.
ARANEA: As the heiress, she was meant for a position of incredi8le responsi8ility.
ARANEA: Once she claimed the throne, she would have to serve for many thousands of years, until the next successor was ready.
JAKE: Thats a hell of a long time.
JAKE: I guess she wasnt into that?
ARANEA: She had some pro8lems with authority.
ARANEA: She despised the whole social order, really.
ARANEA: I foolishly tried to convince her to honor her o8ligation, 8ut she wouldn't listen.
ARANEA: She viewed the empress as a glorified slave.
ARANEA: So she a8dicated, and fled to the moon to hide.
ARANEA: I was the only one who knew of her plans. The rest of the world searched 8ut never found her.
ARANEA: At the time, I was furious with her. 8ut I didn't turn her in.
ARANEA: Which in retrospect was a key decision that led us here.
JAKE: You mean it led to you being dead?
ARANEA: Yes, eventually.
ARANEA: While she was there, she discovered an ancient device.
ARANEA: Inside the device was a game.
ARANEA: She 8ecame o8sessed with playing it, 8ut needed our friends to agree to play first.
ARANEA: She was not well liked 8y the others though. Old grudges and rivalries made it hard to convince them.
ARANEA: 8ut she is very devious, and knows how to trick people into doing what she wants.
ARANEA: She even got me to agree, 8y promising she'd return to her place as the heiress when we finished playing.
ARANEA: Needless to say, we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.
JAKE: She sounds like a handful.
ARANEA: Yes.
ARANEA: She's not all that 8ad though.
ARANEA: Well........
ARANEA: When you really get to know her.
ARANEA: And when she's unarmed.
ARANEA: Which is........ pretty much never, now that I think a8out it.
JAKE: ...
ARANEA: Ok, she pro8a8ly is all that 8ad.
ARANEA: The point is, you have to know how to handle her.
ARANEA: Regal types can 8e very touchy, even the ones who seem to revel in anarchy.
ARANEA: 8ut if you know all the right things to say and do, she will happily hand over the keys to the kingdom, so to speak.
ARANEA: After all, royalty is royalty.
ARANEA: Just let me do the talking for a while, ok?
DIRK: Did you hear that, Jake? Aranea wants to do the talking.
DIRK: I think your dead girlfriend might be starting to come out of her shell.
JAKE: (Heheheh.)
JAKE: (Ok that was kinda funny.)


05/13/12
"Archagent: Report."



The archagent cannot submit the paperwork for his daily report because the archagent is in jail. He was a bit sloppy and got himself pinched by the white shells.

That leaves all his duties to the penultimagent, otherwise known as the Draconian Dignitary. We should bear in mind that penultimagent isn't an officially recognized title though. It's just a word he thinks sounds kind of cool.


05/13/12
"DD: Report."



The report is that you've got all these reports to fill out which the archagent has been letting pile up, and which you have absolutely no intention of completing. Paperwork's even less your bag than it is his. As was mentioned, the boss is still stuck in the big house. You've got the Droll working on busting him out, but you've said no particular hurry on that. You like to keep a casual administrative style. The boss is always in a hurry, all wound up like a knife wielding top. Personally, you don't see the harm in playing it cool.

Mounting paperwork aside, there's still the matter of this little insurrection to deal with. The boy is still out there, piking heads, agitating subjects, getting everyone hot and bothered. The press is going berserk with it, and you can have only so many reporters killed on any given news cycle. Can't forget about the girl either. She's still out there, going rogue. Wait. You mean AWOL. That stinkin' pun gets you every time. Puns are even less dignified than paperwork.


05/13/12
"DD: Locate prince."



You can't. By now the kid is up to his goddamn neck in convoluted gothic architecture. He's burrowed fuck deep in flying buttresses and purple pointy things. He even stopped by the boss's CUBICLE OF VIGILANCE and sliced up his FENESTRATED WALLS to make searching for him harder. Cunning bastard.

There used to be a 4th one, but you don't know what happened to it. There was a rumor circulating that some old woman made off with it some time ago, before the new queen took over. Whatever happened, it's nothing to worry about now.

If you want to smoke this kid out of hiding, you'll need some help.


05/13/12
"DD: Seek help."



You already did. You walk to retrieve it, again in no particular hurry.

Earlier you quite calmly and diplomatically explained everything to the old lady, letting her know you could use a little extra firepower to get the situation under control. You were pretty smooth about it, offering to light her cigarette during a calculated pause. And she doesn't even smoke. You're just that good. While you were making your smooth pitch, you did a masterful job of giving her the impression that you didn't care much one way or the other.

But to be fair, you really don't care much one way or the other.


05/14/12
"DD: Retrieve extra firepower."



In response, the dame gave you clearance to employ the service of DRONEGORG, the flagship battlemech of the imperial fleet she keeps stationed on some other damn planet. You're not sure where it is or what it's called. Hell if that's any of your business.


05/14/12
"DD: Mount Dronegorg and ride into battle."



No.

You'd feel completely ridiculous piloting that thing. It's a bad look for you. No style at all.


05/14/12
"==>"



Only an utter fool would get a kick out of prancing around in that asinine getup.

It was a classy gesture by the queen, but you told her you'd have to pass.


05/14/12
"==>"



But it doesn't do no good to spurn generosity from a beautiful and deadly woman. You thanked her for the kind offer and tactfully brought up an alternative.

See, you tell the boss this is his problem. He's too blunt about his ambitions. Don't get you wrong. It's all well and good for a man to keep his eyes on the prize. But he doesn't always need to step over a thousand corpses and swim across rivers of blood to get there. You remind him there are slicker ways to make your moves, especially when it comes to a lady. Now that you think about it, Slick would be a good ironic nickname for him. Might be good for a laugh, callin' him that. Or it would if you actually ever laughed.

The point is, you have to know how to handle her.


05/14/12
"==>"



Regal types can be very touchy, even the ones who seem to revel in anarchy. But if you know all the right things to say and do, she will happily hand over the keys to the kingdom, so to speak.


05/14/12
"==>"



After all, royalty is royalty.


05/17/12
"[S] DD: Ascend."






05/17/12
"==>"



You're not feeling it. That little number was way too big for its britches. You could just tell it was gonna blast off, and next thing you know is everyone's on their feet cutting a rug, making complete fools of themselves. This ain't no sock hop.

Why does everything have to be so flashy and frenetic? What's the big hurry, anyway?

Sure, you're going to put this ring on. But when you're good and goddamn ready. Maybe do a little reading first, have another smoke. Finish your coffee. Listen to some REAL music.

Everybody needs to calm the fuck down.


05/17/12
"[S] DD: Ascend more casually."






05/17/12
"==>"



After a lot of bullshitting around, you calmly and casually put on the RING OF ORBS NOFOLD. A phenomenal transformation takes place.

You become...

My God.

YOU BECOME...


05/17/12
"==>"



The Draconian Dignitary.

Really, you don't know why everyone's always got to be transforming from things into other things. Taking on these wild appearance modifications just for a little boost in power always struck you as tacky. Where's the class?

It just takes no creativity or guile for these villain types to grab a little power through such outlandish transformations. No imagination at all. You are utterly astounded by how shitty their imagination is. If their imagination was a face you would shoot it.

In the face.


05/18/12
"DD: Unleash awesome powers of ring."



Awesome powers? Let's see. You're guessing it can probably make you invisible.

Yep. There you go. Invisible, just like you thought. What else is a magical ring of void gonna do? This is like Magic Rings 101. Real basic stuff.


05/18/12
"DD: Ok, that's cool. Stop being invisible."



You stop being invisible. There's not a lot of style to invisibility. Primarily because nobody gets to see how damn smooth you're being.

It's kind of a pointless power anyway. Some real dimestore parlor trickery that's just a waste of everyone's time. You doubt you'll ever use it again. It's sure not going to help you track down that elusive kid.

But sooner or later he's going to find out it's much harder to outrun the ring's true power.


05/18/12
"DD: Use Red Miles."



The kid can't escape the miles.


05/18/12
"==>"



No one can escape the miles.


05/19/12
"Jane: Keep looking for dad."



You have been following a trail of clues on your quest to sleuth the whereabouts of your errant father. He seems to have left a variety of items behind, in hopes that you might notice and follow him. You have picked up each item along the way, until you reached this car. It is squeaky clean from today's earlier automotive ablutions, but obviously there is no way you can pick it up. It was probably the last thing he had to leave behind, which means your trail is about to go cold.


05/19/12
"==>"



Hang on. Lil Sebastian is gesturing further ahead. It seems there is another clue on the path.


05/19/12
"Jane: Investigate clue."



It is your dad's WALLET. This is surely the end of the line. Ahead is another crypt. You wonder if he went in there? There's another one of those obelisks nearby shining a light down a pit, serving some dang purpose. Probably has some ridiculous bearing on a puzzle like five miles away. Like activating an elevator or a conveyor belt or something that just leads to yet another stupid old skull.

Actually, looks like there's one more thing left in the wallet. It's a note.


05/19/12
"Jane: Examine note."



What the...

You think your dad maybe left the wrong note in the wallet? He probably meant to leave one pertaining to how you're mature enough to inherit his wallet, and what a big responsibility a wallet is for a strong young woman, or something like that. Dad leaves tons of notes like this around for such occasions, so it's probably easy for him to get them mixed up sometimes. He is a highly professional and competent father, but the guy is still fallible after all. D'aww.


05/19/12
"Jane: Get car."



Now armed with your father's roomy, sleek leather wallet, you retrieve the family sedan with ease.

It looks like a cool pair of shades wants to talk about your sweet new ride.


05/19/12
"Jane: Answer."



|PESTERLOG|
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
TT: Shred it.
GG: What?
TT: you HAVE
TT: the car.
GG: Um.
TT: Now shred it.
TT: Turn it into grist.
GG: Oh!
GG: No!!
GG: I am not going to destroy my dad's car.
TT: We need grist though.
TT: I can't get any building done without more.
TT: Not to mention the fact that you're not going to be able to make any cool shit.
GG: There has to be a better way to gather up grist, though.
TT: Well, I think there are supposed to be monsters here.
TT: I haven't seen any monsters yet, have you?
GG: No, and I can't say I'm too disappointed.
TT: You should be though. Presumably they would drop grist and stuff when you kill them.
TT: Like treasure. And food products that restore your health. Or at least make you less hungry.
TT: Haven't you ever played a video game, Jane?
GG: Of course I have!
TT: That's cool. I haven't, since I am a pair of sunglasses, and communing with such simplistic software would be a trivial and hollow exercise for me.
TT: But I know loads of stuff about games. Like the fact that you gotta kill monsters if you want to make progress.
TT: If not to snatch up the bitchin' loot, at least for the levels.
GG: Levels?
TT: How are you going to get better at fightin' without killing monsters, Jane.
GG: I think I've done a fair job of scaling my echeladder without resorting to the slaughter of innocent, fictional monsters, thank you very much.
TT: Please.
TT: You've barely done any climbing at all. I'm talking about hopping more rungs than what playing a little prank on your dad or throwing your hat on the ground super hard is gonna get you.
TT: You need battle experience to make some real headway. Like Jake.
GG: I'm getting a little tired of various iterations of Dirk Strider telling me how I need to be more like Jake.
GG: I know you think Jake is neat. I know all the Dirks just ADORE Jake! I GET IT!
TT: Wow, chill out.
TT: This ain't about whatever stuff you're apparently fixin' to twist your shit in a pretzel over.
TT: You just need to get stronger, is all. Don't you think that's what your dad would want?
GG: You don't need to remind me about that. I'm suddenly having flashbacks to a few years ago when he would ambush me almost every day for a pointless round of strife.
GG: Boy does getting swatted with brooms and having cakes shoved in your face get old fast.
TT: Yeah, but in the process you got pretty handy with that fork/spoon thingy, didn't you?
GG: Well. Yes.
TT: I'm just saying, if you don't run into any monsters on this planet, I think I'm going to have to set the bunny to "sparring mode" to help you along.
GG: I am not going to spar with Lil Sebastian!!!
GG: He is too quick and deadly to fight with.
GG: And also, too adorable. :B
TT: Ok. We'll see about that.
TT: But in the meantime, we need to figure out a way to start harvesting grist.
TT: Let's forget the car. But now that you have the wallet, you can grab much bigger things.
TT: Big things have got to be worth more grist than all the picayune bullshit you keep around the house.
TT: There are some choice relics in this place. Some of it has to be worth a fortune, gristways.
GG: You could be right.
GG: I will give it a try.


05/20/12
"Jane: Captchalogue obelisk."



You stick the OBELISK in the wallet. Fits like a dream. The ray of light is no longer reflected into the hole. Sorry, puzzles.


05/20/12
"Jane: Feed it to gristwidget 12000."



You put the card in the widget and holy smokes! That thing was worth a fortune in all kinds of weird looking grist denominations. Seb springs into action and scoops it all up for you in a jiffy with his busy little legs.


05/20/12
"==>"



The built-in GRIST GUTTER on the widget immediately kicks into action, collecting all the grist overflow exceeding your current low limit. You guess that's pretty convenient.

You honestly thought these features were a lot of meaningless nonsense before. Like an example of BCCorp's strange sense of humor, made into a product sold for top dollar. The fact that this turned out to be a useful gizmo well in advance is either reassuring or unsettling. You aren't sure which.


05/20/12
"Jane: Proceed to crypt."



Aaaaaand the door's locked now.