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-- Jump to adventure! Jail Break Bard Quest Problem Sleuth Homestuck
Hey, welcome to the super cool low-tech search page! To search for something, hit Ctrl+F (or Apple+F) and type what you're looking for. Let your browser do all the work!!! If your text is in one of the commands or captions, it'll show up here. Dang, it doesn't get much easier! 06/12/07 "Begin Bard Quest"
You are a simple bard invited to perform before a bored and grumpy king. Your hands tremble as they clutch your humble instrument. You think to yourself "This is it. This is where all the hard work pays off. This is a bard's time to shine!"
06/17/07 "Introduce yourself!"
At the expense of getting started with your performance right away, you opt for an introduction. Surely this king cares who you are, or anything about you at all, for that matter!
<- Go back
06/17/07 "Shine his shoes."
Always eager to think of ways to ingratiate yourself in front of superiors, you notice a spot on the king's shoe. You hock a mean one into your trusty rag and set to work. This crusty old king will warm up to you yet!
06/17/07 "Keep shining."
Wow, you sure fucked that up fast!
06/17/07 "Sing a ballad about the king's beautiful queen"
You launch into an absolutely exquisite melodic paean about the king's wife. You even throw a little dance number in for good measure!
The king is a homosexual!
But the double entendre of "queen" suddenly dawns on him. He finds it quite clever and amusing.
He appoints you as head dragon slayer of the kindom! You truly are an unlikely hero thrust into the position of greatness.
06/18/07 "Realize that you probably aren't qualified to slay a dragon"
You point out the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
06/18/07 "Lute solo!"
Oh yes! You rip out some mean licks on your lute. The monster ballad rocks the palace hall, as the subjects are in awe of your lightning fingers.
06/18/07 "I bet the king really likes it!"
It seems the king has heard it before.
06/18/07 "Go to the blacksmith. To forge Bard Armor +5, of course."
You wander into the city streets to prepare for your questing. You wonder if you might want to stock up on several extra large dragon corpse satchels just to be on the safe side. But maybe you should start with the armor first. You think you'll stop by the smith's.
Or will you?
06/18/07 "Yeah, go to the smith first and get armor +5"
"I can make yer bard armor for you. +5 wot, though?"
The gentleman wonders what item, in addition to the armor, you would like in quantity of five?
06/21/07 "+5 Pulchritude"
"Why di'n't you say so! I got just the thing to spruce yer pulchritude right up!"
06/21/07 "Buy the armor"
You don't have enough golds!
06/21/07 "+5 Extra Large Dragon Corpse Satchels"
The smith wonders if just five satchels will be enough, considering your obvious natural abilities in the field of dragon slaying.
06/21/07 "What do you recommend?"
He gives you 10 satchels, on the house! He tells you to come back any time in case ou need more.
06/21/07 "+5 issues of your finest gay porn magazines"
Homosexuality is outlawed in this kingdom! Anyone caught in the act will be immediately locked up in the king's personal dungeon.
He sends you on your way, however, with a gracious recommendation. If asked, you have no idea where it came from.
06/21/07 "Go into the meat shop to buy 5 bratwurst"
You voice your request to the friendly butcher.
"We don't stock dildos here! And besides, haven't you heard about the city ordinance on homosexuality??"
06/22/07 "Go to the Codsmith and buy an impressively large codpiece."
You set about looking for the local codsmith, or groincobbler as otherwise known sometimes. You are stunned to find a treasure trove! Cod Palace, the busy cod enthusiast's one-stop cod solution!
06/22/07 "Go in"
So many choices! You're like a kid in a candy store, and instead of candy, the kid finds a lot of cod pieces instead!
06/22/07 "Find something that strikes your fancy"
Sweet Jesus! You've found it. "Hull of the Flagship", it's called. It even has ruffled trim and a bell afixed. It's perfect. Alas, you do not have the golds for it.
06/22/07 "Offer to exchange your hat for the codpiece."
You offer your hat. The codsmith inspects its worth as potential material for a new cod piece. It shows promise, but it simply is not worth the same as the Hull of the Flagship. He refuses.
06/22/07 "Grab the cod piece and run"
In an act of understandable desperation, you snatch the piece and scram!
The angry smith calls for strapping men to apprehend you.
06/22/07 "Get the hell out of here!"
You find a window to a back alley and dive into the safety of a dumpster.
06/22/07 "Admire your prize"
Yes! You and your magnificent piece are alone together at last! Except for some vagrants camping in the alley. They ask if you can spare any cods, but you politely decline.
06/22/07 "don the cod piece"
You don the cod piece. Now this is the kind of comfort that is only possible with a top of the line luxury cod. The majesty of your union with the piece is heralded.
06/22/07 "Bask in your own glory"
You raise your arms in triumph. You are the king of this alley!
06/22/07 "Recruit the vagrants as your loyal followers of the codpiece"
Your subjects instantly prostrate themselves before the bearer of the great piece. They would do anything for you. They would take a crossbow bolt for your groin. In Cod they trust.
06/27/07 "Codpiece. Check. Servants. Check. Now slay a dragon."
You are clearly making progress here. Any adventurer would be lucky to begin a quest with your recent acquisitions. You can almost taste the dragon bounty already.
06/27/07 "Wait, what are your new servants wearing, exactly?"
Just a moment... you start to wonder if the attire of your servants is altogether appropriate? Their groins seem [i:4c2db633f1]conspicuously[/i:4c2db633f1] barren.
06/27/07 "Better get them pieces. Let's hit up Cod Palace"
You don't know why you didn't think of this earlier!
06/27/07 "Shop around as if nothing ever happened"
06/28/07 "Use a little more discretion for god's (cod's) sake"
You order your new servants to sneak into Cod Palace and snatch a couple cods that are befitting of a distinguished entourage.
They return successfully, and possibly completely unoticed!
06/28/07 "Make a run for it"
You flee, but the groin cobbler is hot on your trail!
06/28/07 "Go somewhere safe and celebrate"
You did it! You are free of the tyranny that would deprive your groins of a snug, fashionable cradling.
You cavort with carefree abandon, not the least bit concerned with the flopping about of the nether-regions. Nor are you concerned with any vengeful codsmiths who you are quite sure probably didn't follow you.
06/28/07 "Who cares about that, just go kill some dragons"
You lead your party outside the town to begin what you can only assume will be an insane dragon murderfest. Your two companions are able-bodied, loyal, and clearly very intelligent. You wonder what their names are. You are too caught up in your bold leadership duties to ask though, and you figure you will probably just make up some stupid names for them later on.
Where would you like to go to find some dragons to slay?
07/05/07 "Take Flothers and Daunchy to dragon concentration camp"
Stupid Flothers! What a dumb suggestion! There is no such thing as a dragon concentration camp!
You slap Daunchy around a little too for good measure.
07/05/07 "Search for dragons in your immediate vicinity."
You peer into the thick forest, but you cannot see any dragons in your immediate vicinity. This quest will surely be a long and trying one.
07/05/07 "Find a dragon in the caverns of Harold."
Daunchy suggests looking for dragons in the caverns of Harold. You decide to teach him what happens to brainless servants who make up bullshit places.
Hey, look, the caves of Harold. You will consider entering the caverns of Harold at some point.
07/05/07 "Find a dragon in the swamp of mystery"
Top notch idea, flothers! An excellent idea like that deserves a reward. You hoist Flothers your thickest T-bone steak.
07/05/07 "Proceed to the swamp of mystery."
You find yourself in a really moist and smelly swamp. This is where the investment of a stolen cod piece really pays off. Your groin is warm and dry.
You see a swamp wizard.
07/05/07 "Do a dance"
You rip out one doozy of a silly dance. Dragons be damned. You'll have to slay this rhythm inside you first!
Daunchy and Flothers are really excited.
RSS: Adventure Updates
Posted on 15 December 2016 by Andrew
If you'd like to help greenlight Hiveswap on Steam, make sure to go vote for it
And if by some chance voting for this game's right to be distributed in this manner isn't enough to satisfy your desire to become truly one with the Hiveswap brand, may I recommend you browse this enticing array of preemptively available
too.) I'm going to be perfectly candid with you here. If you haven't achieved absolute Brand Loyalty to this game before it comes out, you will probably suck at it. You've been warned.
Posted on 22 October 2016 by Andrew
Just going to leave this
for now, and assume that the kids these days will know what to do with it.
Posted on 12 June 2016 by Andrew
The final Homestuck album
has been released. More fantastic music by many familiar names who have contributed to the comic over the years. Thanks to all who came together to make this. It's a great way to cap off an impressive
, now standing at 27 albums.