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Hey, welcome to the super cool low-tech search page!

To search for something, hit Ctrl+F (or Apple+F) and type what you're looking for. Let your browser do all the work!!! If your text is in one of the commands or captions, it'll show up here.

Dang, it doesn't get much easier!

"Begin Bard Quest"

You are a simple bard invited to perform before a bored and grumpy king. Your hands tremble as they clutch your humble instrument. You think to yourself "This is it. This is where all the hard work pays off. This is a bard's time to shine!"

"Introduce yourself!"

At the expense of getting started with your performance right away, you opt for an introduction. Surely this king cares who you are, or anything about you at all, for that matter!

<- Go back

"Shine his shoes."

Always eager to think of ways to ingratiate yourself in front of superiors, you notice a spot on the king's shoe. You hock a mean one into your trusty rag and set to work. This crusty old king will warm up to you yet!

"Keep shining."

Wow, you sure fucked that up fast!

"Sing a ballad about the king's beautiful queen"

You launch into an absolutely exquisite melodic paean about the king's wife. You even throw a little dance number in for good measure!


The king is a homosexual!


But the double entendre of "queen" suddenly dawns on him. He finds it quite clever and amusing.


He appoints you as head dragon slayer of the kindom! You truly are an unlikely hero thrust into the position of greatness.

"Realize that you probably aren't qualified to slay a dragon"

You point out the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

"Lute solo!"

Oh yes! You rip out some mean licks on your lute. The monster ballad rocks the palace hall, as the subjects are in awe of your lightning fingers.

"I bet the king really likes it!"

It seems the king has heard it before.

"Go to the blacksmith. To forge Bard Armor +5, of course."

You wander into the city streets to prepare for your questing. You wonder if you might want to stock up on several extra large dragon corpse satchels just to be on the safe side. But maybe you should start with the armor first. You think you'll stop by the smith's.

Or will you?

"Yeah, go to the smith first and get armor +5"

"I can make yer bard armor for you. +5 wot, though?"

The gentleman wonders what item, in addition to the armor, you would like in quantity of five?

"+5 Pulchritude"

"Why di'n't you say so! I got just the thing to spruce yer pulchritude right up!"

"Buy the armor"

You don't have enough golds!

"+5 Extra Large Dragon Corpse Satchels"

The smith wonders if just five satchels will be enough, considering your obvious natural abilities in the field of dragon slaying.

"What do you recommend?"

He gives you 10 satchels, on the house! He tells you to come back any time in case ou need more.

"+5 issues of your finest gay porn magazines"

Homosexuality is outlawed in this kingdom! Anyone caught in the act will be immediately locked up in the king's personal dungeon.

He sends you on your way, however, with a gracious recommendation. If asked, you have no idea where it came from.

"Go into the meat shop to buy 5 bratwurst"

You voice your request to the friendly butcher.


"We don't stock dildos here! And besides, haven't you heard about the city ordinance on homosexuality??"

"Go to the Codsmith and buy an impressively large codpiece."

You set about looking for the local codsmith, or groincobbler as otherwise known sometimes. You are stunned to find a treasure trove! Cod Palace, the busy cod enthusiast's one-stop cod solution!

"Go in"

So many choices! You're like a kid in a candy store, and instead of candy, the kid finds a lot of cod pieces instead!

"Find something that strikes your fancy"

Sweet Jesus! You've found it. "Hull of the Flagship", it's called. It even has ruffled trim and a bell afixed. It's perfect. Alas, you do not have the golds for it.

"Offer to exchange your hat for the codpiece."

You offer your hat. The codsmith inspects its worth as potential material for a new cod piece. It shows promise, but it simply is not worth the same as the Hull of the Flagship. He refuses.

"Grab the cod piece and run"

In an act of understandable desperation, you snatch the piece and scram!

The angry smith calls for strapping men to apprehend you.

"Get the hell out of here!"

You find a window to a back alley and dive into the safety of a dumpster.

"Admire your prize"

Yes! You and your magnificent piece are alone together at last! Except for some vagrants camping in the alley. They ask if you can spare any cods, but you politely decline.

"don the cod piece"

You don the cod piece. Now this is the kind of comfort that is only possible with a top of the line luxury cod. The majesty of your union with the piece is heralded.

"Bask in your own glory"

You raise your arms in triumph. You are the king of this alley!

"Recruit the vagrants as your loyal followers of the codpiece"

Your subjects instantly prostrate themselves before the bearer of the great piece. They would do anything for you. They would take a crossbow bolt for your groin. In Cod they trust.

"Codpiece. Check. Servants. Check. Now slay a dragon."

You are clearly making progress here. Any adventurer would be lucky to begin a quest with your recent acquisitions. You can almost taste the dragon bounty already.

"Wait, what are your new servants wearing, exactly?"

Just a moment... you start to wonder if the attire of your servants is altogether appropriate? Their groins seem [i:4c2db633f1]conspicuously[/i:4c2db633f1] barren.

"Better get them pieces. Let's hit up Cod Palace"

You don't know why you didn't think of this earlier!

"Shop around as if nothing ever happened"

"Use a little more discretion for god's (cod's) sake"

You order your new servants to sneak into Cod Palace and snatch a couple cods that are befitting of a distinguished entourage.

They return successfully, and possibly completely unoticed!

"Make a run for it"

You flee, but the groin cobbler is hot on your trail!

"Go somewhere safe and celebrate"

You did it! You are free of the tyranny that would deprive your groins of a snug, fashionable cradling.

You cavort with carefree abandon, not the least bit concerned with the flopping about of the nether-regions. Nor are you concerned with any vengeful codsmiths who you are quite sure probably didn't follow you.


"Who cares about that, just go kill some dragons"

You lead your party outside the town to begin what you can only assume will be an insane dragon murderfest. Your two companions are able-bodied, loyal, and clearly very intelligent. You wonder what their names are. You are too caught up in your bold leadership duties to ask though, and you figure you will probably just make up some stupid names for them later on.

Where would you like to go to find some dragons to slay?

"Take Flothers and Daunchy to dragon concentration camp"

Stupid Flothers! What a dumb suggestion! There is no such thing as a dragon concentration camp!

You slap Daunchy around a little too for good measure.

"Search for dragons in your immediate vicinity."

You peer into the thick forest, but you cannot see any dragons in your immediate vicinity. This quest will surely be a long and trying one.

"Find a dragon in the caverns of Harold."

Daunchy suggests looking for dragons in the caverns of Harold. You decide to teach him what happens to brainless servants who make up bullshit places.



Hey, look, the caves of Harold. You will consider entering the caverns of Harold at some point.

"Find a dragon in the swamp of mystery"

Top notch idea, flothers! An excellent idea like that deserves a reward. You hoist Flothers your thickest T-bone steak.

"Proceed to the swamp of mystery."

You find yourself in a really moist and smelly swamp. This is where the investment of a stolen cod piece really pays off. Your groin is warm and dry.

You see a swamp wizard.

"Do a dance"

You rip out one doozy of a silly dance. Dragons be damned. You'll have to slay this rhythm inside you first!

Daunchy and Flothers are really excited.

RSS: Adventure Updates

Posted on 27 November 2017 by Andrew

Here's another huge deal announcement. A "bomb shell", you could say. The zodiac has officially been extended to include 288 signs, instead of the meager assortment of 12 you are familiar with. The resulting system is known as the Extended Zodiac. You may determine your True Sign by taking a test, if you wish.

I envisioned an expansion like this a couple years ago, when it became clear that due to the large volume of NPCs in Hiveswap, many new troll symbols would have to be created. So we made a large library of symbols to draw from when designing characters (A lot more symbols than characters. Don't worry, the game roster isn't THAT out of control.) But why stop at just a static library of new signs when you could take the opportunity to reinvent astrology itself?

The test uses a couple other personal classifiers from Homestuck lore to triangulate your True Sign designation from this dizzying barrage of iconography. What do you do with this information? I don't know. Make some cool new OCs? Discuss your new sign with friends? Cause great agitation and bewilderment among astrological purists? The sky's the limit. Also, those invested in what qualifies as "canon" when it comes to Homestuck lore may take interest in this test, which formally evaluates whether you are a Prospit or Derse Dreamer (involving a new term of art for the sake of this system, called Lunar Sway), as well as your Aspect. I am sure some will wonder whether this means a God Tier Class test will be available as well. Some day, yes, probably. For now, only Aspect is applicable to this system. But the precedent now exists for the expectation to be CANONICALLY classified by literally any absurd profiling system I have ever concocted, and you have just obtained a full license to not let anyone forget this.

Posted on 17 November 2017 by Andrew

Here's a very special new book made by me, dril, and KC Green, which you can preorder here. This seemed like a good way to do it since we had no idea how many of these books to print. A hundred? A million? ZERO??? You guys will decide. Plus there's a lot of other cool stuff there. If you have any interest in this book at all, it's probably a good idea for you to jump on it now. There's no telling how easy it will be to get your hands on after the first run has shipped to backers.

About the friends who helped out: my guess is you are probably familiar with dril's twitter brand? A couple years ago we talked about working on this, one thing led to another, and now here we are asking you to buy a book with a spoon concealed inside of it. The way I see it is, you don't just get any clown off the street to write for characters with the complexity and emotional depth that these ones have. You bring out the big guns. This is a man who knows his way around a huge ass. A man who knows all too well the plight of the gamer. A man who won't hesitate to engage with some of your favorite brands, and will not flinch at a longform narrative about a pissed off guy searching the world for his spoon.

KC Green has already done some good work with the SBaHJ franchise, you may remember. For the sake of authenticity I did a lot of coloring work over his pencils and put some serious attention on generally screwing everything up. Don't worry, we had some very important standards of quality that I took great care to ensure we catastrophically failed to meet. KC does a lot of other great stuff too. Did you know he did the dog who says this is fine even though the room is on fire? It's crazy how much people love that damn dog. Not everyone knows he did it though, and people should applaud him more for his stuff. Same with dril. Let's hear it for these boys and their priceless contributions to our society. I hope you like this book!

Posted on 11 November 2017 by Andrew

Hey check it out. Every week we'll be revealing some new troll characters from Hiveswap until Act 2 is out. Follow the Troll Call here, and meet the first two here. Expect a few more surprises like this to drop in coming weeks.

Posted on 14 September 2017 by Andrew


Hiveswap has been released. You should go play it!

Huge thanks to the entire What Pumpkin Games team for all their hard work on this project. Everyone involved has much to be proud of. Personally, I think the game is VERY GOOD! Really, better than I imagined it would be when scribbling notes for it years ago. Credit is owed to the fans for their patience while the necessary time was taken to build a studio capable of making a game like this. And above all, credit is owed to the great team that brought it to life. If you happen to spot any contributors out in the wild, on social media or such, I hope you will extend your appreciation for what they have accomplished.


What Pumpkin and Homestuck are partnering with Viz Media to work on a lot of cool stuff together in the future. This will include projects based on both the Homestuck and Hiveswap worlds. The possibilities are wide open, but here are a couple examples of things we know we're going to work on already...

Viz will begin releasing the Homestuck books again, starting next year. These will be nice new hardcover editions, and the plan is to just keep turning out volumes until the entire story is in print. Each volume will be full of my Secret Notes just like the previous ones were. Viz will also be involved in the release of the mysterious epilogue project I alluded to a while ago. Details on format, release date, etc, will remain undisclosed until further notice, but you can expect more information about that to surface next year too. I wanted to do something a little unusual for it, something existing outside the confines of the web story. Working with Viz struck me as good opportunity for this.

Aside from that, anything can happen. Take a look at the sorts of things Viz has already published or produced. These are all examples of things on the table for future consideration for either Homestuck or Hiveswap. I've got plenty of ideas, and so do they. Maybe you do too??