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-- Jump to adventure! Jail Break Bard Quest Problem Sleuth Homestuck
Hey, welcome to the super cool low-tech search page! To search for something, hit Ctrl+F (or Apple+F) and type what you're looking for. Let your browser do all the work!!! If your text is in one of the commands or captions, it'll show up here. Dang, it doesn't get much easier! 06/03/07 "Start Jailbreak Adventure"
You wake up locked in a deserted jail cell, completely alone. There is nothing at all in your cell, useful or otherwise.
06/03/07 "Attempt to pry open window."
There are no objects around with which to "pry open window".
06/03/07 "Graft pumpkin to yourself so that you have one hideous arm"
06/03/07 "Grow two muscular arms with which the manhandle the key"
He already has arms, stupid!
06/03/07 "Look for keyhole"
06/04/07 "Throw the key down to that guy so he can open that door"
It lands with a loud metallic CLANK.
06/04/07 "Loudly tell that guy to pick up key and try it on the door."
Despite your bellowing, the man casually opens the door and leaves.
06/04/07 "Pee out the window in an attempt to bring him back"
As you turn around to unzip, you notice another keyhole.
06/04/07 "Open door"
Wonders where the fuck that pumpkin went???
06/04/07 "Do a dance"
Exotic rhythms take over your body as you start to do a really silly dance.
You recall your initial urge to urniate out the window. Now that you think of it, you really have to pee.
The urine splashes onto the man outside, who had a change of heart. He is climbing a ladder to give you the key.
06/04/07 "Knock on door."
Your clumsy fist accidentally flies through the bars, knocking out a passer-by. Keys from his key ring jangle on the floor.
06/04/07 "Ask dungeon master if there is one fucking way out of room"
06/04/07 "Examine floor"
You pick up a clump of nutrients-enriched dirt. Sweet spice of the earth! You sit in hushed awe of the lustre of the brown gold.
06/04/07 "Say hello to the pumpkin"
I beg your pardon?
06/04/07 "Search room thoroughly for pumpkin"
You wake up next to a broken ladder. You are covered in piss.
06/04/07 "Throw shoe at key"
You're not even really sure if you're wearing shoes.
06/04/07 "Rub key on chest."
Now the key smells like pee too.
06/04/07 "Go through door."
The door is locked!!!
06/04/07 "Use key on door."
Jiggle as you might, the key doesn't work! Now the lock smells kind of like pee too.
06/04/07 "Pretend broken ladder is broken train track"
CHOO CHOO! All aboard the moron express!
06/04/07 "Use ladder as battering ram"
06/04/07 "Talk to the guy in the jail cell"
You yell to the imprisoned man. He yells back something barely audible to you.
06/04/07 "Ignore all future input from betelgeuse"
I'm sorry, I don't think I can do that with all future input from betelgeuse.
06/04/07 "Turn long ladder into stilts"
You fashion a pretty nice pair of stilts. But you don't know how you're going to get up on them. If only you hadn't broken the other half-ladder in half, you might have been able to climb onto the stilts with it.
06/04/07 "Hook key to the end of ladder and extend it to jail cell guy"
Since the whole ladder was approximately the height of the window in the first place, half of the ladder's height will not nearly reach.
06/04/07 "Make clay from dirt and pee, use it to glue ladder into pole"
The rungs from one end of the ladder-half easily and snugly fit into the holes of the other. No cementation is necessary.
This being the case, you now regret creating the smelly pee mud.
06/04/07 "Hook key to ladder and extend to jail cell guy"
It's still just a little out of reach.
06/04/07 "Toss the contraption into the air to give it added lift"
With a little too much gusto, you send the rig sailing too high.
06/04/07 "Drill a hole in the floor."
You are not this guy!
06/04/07 "Sing 'malaguena'"
You are a little bummed out that you missed grabbing the key by inches. In an attempt to drown your sorrows, you gush forth with melody, an enchanting rendition of Malaguena.
In an attempt to silence your racket, the man above begins drilling noisily.
06/04/07 "hollow out pumpkin, wear as helmet in case ceiling collapses"
You're quite certain there has never been, and never will be, a pumpkin in this room!
06/04/07 "Keep singing until guy drills through floor"
You sing so hard you topple backwards over the pumpkin. As you lie on the floor looking up, you see the tip of the drill penetrating the ceiling. It looks just big enough for a key to fit through!
06/04/07 "Serenade the guy about how you want the key"
The man has opted to take a leak through the hole. You are getting really sick of pee.
06/04/07 "Spit pee at man out the window."
With a hefty mouthful of the other guy's urine, you decide to get revenge on the man below for botching the key situation.
But as you're about to spit the pee, the man above takes a huge shit on your head from his window. The surprise unfortunately causes you to swallow the pee.
Overcome with nausea from the foul chain of events, you vomit.
The man below has almost completely reconstructed the ladder using the same method he used to build the stilts. He is nearly up to your cell when he is met with a face full of regurgitated urine.
06/04/07 "Check on knocked out guard"
He's really down for the count!
06/04/07 "Try waking him by peeing on him"
You're all tapped out for pee at the moment. But the crap on your head is emmitting a powerful stench.
The odor wakes the guard, who suddenly remembers your assault. He enters the cell to beat the shit out of you.
06/04/07 "Leap over him in a desperate bid for freedom."
You carelessly trip over a pumpkin which has clearly been in plain sight this whole time.
You knock the man backwards into the door, slamming it shut.
The guard is unconscious again.
06/04/07 "Eat the pumpkin."
You suddenly wonder what happened to the poop on your head.
06/04/07 "Use guards pants to lasso keys through the opening in door"
You're not even sure if this guy is wearing pants.
He did seem to be wearing a belt though.
You flail the belt around uselessly, and then drop it.
06/04/07 "Use guard as battering ram on door"
He's too heavy to lift completely, so you drag him close to the door and prop him up.
Then smash his face against the door repeatedly.
The door holds fast.
06/04/07 "Apologize to guard's body"
You start to feel sorry for abusing the guard so badly, and mumble an apology.
But then a mere apology doesn't seem to do justice to the poor man. You decide he needs a proper funeral. You sever his head with your trusty pocket knife.
And place the head in the pumpkin, which you just hollowed out.
Using your handy spoon, you dig a hole and bury the pumpkin.
You say a few prayers. He's in a better place now.
PUMPKINS DESTROYED 1
KEYS IN INVENTORY 0
KEY THROWING ACCURACY 0%
You wake up in your cell after a short nap. There is a key to your side, a drill against the wall, and a small pee-soaked hole in the floor.
06/04/07 "Drill through the floor"
For the first time in your 3 year imprisonment, it occurs to you to drill a large hole in the floor. You put your back into it.
06/04/07 "Poke head through hole and wave."
You are delighted to see your neighbor. You decide you are long overdue for a proper greeting.
Your oversized cranium gets lodged in the hole. You are stuck fast.
06/04/07 "Wave legs in the air"
Your most creative solution to the problem is to hoist your torso in the air and flail your legs. It seems to be working, when something goes wrong.
You suddenly realize you are now this guy.
06/04/07 "Daub pictures of naked ladies on the wall with blood."
All you have is gay porno!!!
06/04/07 "Drill hole through door"
The drill is not strong enough to penetrate steel!
06/04/07 "Drill through the wall right next to the door."
All these thoughts of drilling and penetration have given you a serious hankering for some quality time with HUNK RUMP magazine.
06/04/07 "Continue to enjoy Hunk Rump"
You are putting the finishing touches on a robot you have built from ladder pieces. You are soaked in regurgitated urine, and this activity has been a nice diversion. You call him "Logorg".
06/04/07 "Command Logorg to dance"
With commanding authority, you issue the order.
Logorg has no brain, motor, or any moving parts!
06/04/07 "Use logorg as a battering ram to open the door"
From atop your great mechanized mount, you command Logorg to break down the door, like a huge battering ram!
06/04/07 "Put your brain inside Logorg's head."
You're not sure how you're going to get your brain into Logorg's head, or out of your own head for that matter.
But you get an idea.
06/04/07 "Wreck(Reek?) havoc"
Logorg has no moving parts! You can barely move inside your new wooden prison.
06/04/07 "Make a little love."
You decide all these thoughts of destruction should be offset by a little good earnest love making.
While you contemplate your current options for sexual partners, a whirring is heard from overhead.
06/04/07 "Sacrifice your soul to the heathen gods."
You've considered doing a lot of stupid things before, but this idea takes the cake!
06/04/07 "Rebuild logorg"
From the Logorg ashes rises the phoenix of Drillgorg! Supreme next generation mecha-bot at your service!
06/04/07 "Get down tonight."
You're really excited about the advent of Drillgorg! You have no choice but to totally get down. Festivities and gyrations may or may not continue into the evening.
06/04/07 "Get a bachelor's degree in robotics"
You don't even know where to begin addressing how stupid that idea is!
06/04/07 "Examine that rope-like object"
06/04/07 "With great prescience, move away from end of the intestine"
With great prescience, you move away from the end of the intestine.
06/04/07 "Make a robot out of that guy"
I don't think I'm familiar with make a robot out of that guy!
Crushed by the loss of your prized automaton, your son of lumber, you are reduced to tears.
The other guy consoles you. He thinks he has something that might cheer you up.
You and your newfound buddy stand face-to-face, wondering what to do. The shattered remains of drillgorg rest in a tragic heap.
06/04/07 "Climb intestine"
You decide do climb the intestine from which your new mate descended. He thinks, "what the heck, might as well follow". You both begin a perilous, smelly climb.
The added weight causes a sudden jerk from the other end.
You make it through...
But your partner is not so lucky.
With a great sense of accomplishment, you survey the room. Wow, what happened in here!
06/04/07 "Clean the place up a bit."
Using your trusty rag, you make some pretty good headway on the room. You notice a patch of dirt where it looks like something was buried.
06/04/07 "Eat whatever is in the hole"
You firmly resolve to eat whatever you unearth from the hole, no matter how unsavory, when suddenly the dirt collapses! A void in the floor is left behind. You'll have to make other dinner plans.
06/04/07 "Dig deeper! Search for Prime Minister's gold hookers"
You start to dig, hoping there will be valuables belonging to important people. But your oversized head becomes stuck. There is something oddly familiar about the situation.
06/04/07 "Ease head out of hole."
You begin to gently squirm and wriggle, when you start hearing an eerie buzz around your head.
06/04/07 "Carve holes for mouth and eyes"
Much better! Now you can see through the thick flesh of the vegetable. That's using your gourd!
06/04/07 "Go to window to show off new helmet"
Through some act of divine collusion, you are drawn to the portal to look down.
06/04/07 "Greet him"
06/04/07 "Ask man to throw intestine up to you"
You think maybe your coarse gesture was made a bit brashly. Diplomacy may be the most mutually beneficial strategy here.
You kindly voice your request.
The other man, though apprently irrate, seems to be swayed by your tone. After all, you did ask very nicely.
06/04/07 "Be the other guy."
With great exertion, you attemt to disembody your awareness and move it into another person.
It seems to be working, but not as you hoped.
You wake up to the ghastly discovery that you have no head! Aldo your entrails are spilling out of your abdomen! It's quite painful!
You're flying into a wall suddenly! What's happening!?
The trauma was way to much for your system, and you expire a second time. Your awareness passes on to this guy.
06/04/07 "Drill through door"
Recalling the drill does not penetrate steel doors, you buckle down and get ready to give it your all.
Except the door is made of wood!
06/04/07 "Place head on "X""
Attempting to place your head on the X, you bump the device, activating it.
It appearifies a pumpkin that looks like it's seen better days.
06/04/07 "Open pumpkin and cuddle whatever is inside!"
You remember this guy. You murdered him when you smashed his face against the door! And then you decapitated him because it was the only decent thing to do!
You are so happy to see him again!
God that pumpkin looks delicious.
06/04/07 "Check that door to see if it is locked."
Your curiousity about the door gets the better of you, but you try to sneak a nibble from the pumpkin nonetheless.
06/04/07 "Build pumpkin-armour."
You gather up a couple spare pumpkins and cobble together a very smart looking outfit. You feel invincible suddenly.
06/04/07 "Return to the courtyard to show off new suit."
Through some act of divine collusion, you are drawn out of the broken door to look up.
06/04/07 "Greet him"
06/04/07 "Use intestine like scarf / Climb intestine"
You sling the intestine around your neck like a shawl. How glamorous. I'm ready for my close up, Mr. Deville!
06/04/07 "Eat the pumpkin portions just cut out of the head-pumpkin"
Damn. The pumpkin portion is a little too big for the mouth hole.
You think to yourself, "If I didn't have my trusty knife with me, I think I'd slit my wrists!"
06/04/07 "Play the get out of jail free card"
Of course! You forgot about your get out of jail free card!
This is not a get out of jail free card.
You are suddenly this guy. You are taking a strong interest in this door, and what's inside. You think to yourself, "I will probably go through this door no matter what other stupid idea pops into my mind!"
06/04/07 "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GO THROUGH THE DOOR!!"
You step through the door, which instantly slams behind you and makes a locking noise. You have a feeling it is locked. In the room is a wall which has 3 pumpkin shaped recesses. One has a happy face, another sad, the other, scared or surprised or something. There is a fresh pumpkin on a pedistal, and a carving knife next to it.
The room seems to extend very high up. It might even go all the way to the roof up there.
06/04/07 "Carve the pumpkin into a surprised face!"
With your most determined face, you set about turning the pumpkin into a work of art.
You really suck at carving pumpkins!
06/04/07 "Put it in the sad recess"
You are not deterred by any theoretical discrepancies between your handywork and the pumpkin spec. Nor do you feel you have to put the pumpkin in the correct recess.
Fits like a glove.
Removing the pumpkin from the pedestal may have triggered some event, however.
06/04/07 "Drink as much as you can as fast as you can."
You can't believe how stupid that idea is!!!
But it's worth a shot, I guess.
06/04/07 "Plug up the hole with a pumpkin."
You figure it's about time you took off this silly and uncomfortable pumpkin armor and put it to good use.
There must be something that can stop the terrible flow of this water! Possibly some mechanism! Maybe right in this room!
06/04/07 "Carve pumpkins to match faces on the wall and put them in"
Maybe it's the surging, cruel water rising inexorably, but you're suddenly much more inspired to put concerted effort into refining your craft. You hone your willpower into that of a master sculptor. Each slice, each contor of the knife bends to your will. Yes. Yes!
The results are breath taking. The expressions are human emotion incarnate. Why, are these pumpkins, or fellow men rapt within the human condition?
No time for reflection, though.
As you wait for something to happen, you think at the very least, maybe you could float to the opening in the ceiling, even though you're not a great swimmer.
As the water engulfs your head, you hear another distant mechanical sound.
06/04/07 "Oh shit"
Luckily for the cause of suspense, you are now the other guy in his cell, wondering exactly what to do. There is a noise.
The secret door opens to the adjacent cell.
These two have been long dead. You wonder what kind of moronic adventures they were up to. You guess you'll probably never know.
06/04/07 "Bring the gun along in case you have to off yourself."
You pick up the firearm. You now feel powerful and confident. Unfortunately there is nowhere on your person to "pack the heat".
A violin string seems to suit the purpose well.
06/04/07 "Jump out the window."
The window to this cell is barred!
06/04/07 "Try to climb up the rope thing."
You get the fishy feeling that this is probably more intestine. You've been climbing a lot of intestines lately.
It looks like it goes all the way to the roof. It must be a very long large intestinal tract.
You were wrong. It is actually a small intestinal tract, belonging to a slaughtered sperm whale.
06/04/07 "Survey surroundings, possibly sneaking a bite of ambergris"
There is quite a panoramic view up here. Surrounding you mostly is other prison buildings. Who knows how many poor souls are trapped in this idiotic facility.
Directly in front of you is another building. You hear water gurgling from it. Just beyond are some mountains, which might be a nice place to escape to, if possible.
You're not really sure what ambergris is, but you have a feeling it will be essential. You grab a liberal dollop and stick it on your pumkin.
06/04/07 "Use harpoon to get across to building and shoot down hole"
You pry the harpoon out of the whale, load it into the barrel, and fire.
The pulley mechanism yanks you swiftly to the other rooftop.
Readying your pistol to be fired indiscrimately into the void below, you hear some murmurs along with the gurgling.
The water seems to be rising slowly.
Looking into his mournful, pleading eyes, you start to reconsider firing your handgun.
You opt for the harpoon gun instead. You figure might need the bullets later if you have to off yourself.
06/04/07 "Pull lever and reel in the harpoon"
Ok, you think you've got this figured out now! Amidst a lot of swearing and groaning from below, you nonchalantly walk over and pull the crank.
Assuming this will trigger something right away, presumably with respect to the bars, you reel in the harpoon.
The bars stay put. But a ladder emerges, with some kind of control panel next to it a good ways down.
06/04/07 "Apologize to the man."
You tie the harpoon tether around the crank so it doesn't go anywhere. You then get down on your knees in preparation for one of your most sincere sounding apologies, when something distracts you.
A 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle on the floor, partially completed! It looks like it's a picture of kittens! This looks like so much fun!
06/04/07 "ask harpooned man where rest of the few thousand pieces are"
He can't hear your question, and doesn't really care to listen at the moment.
06/04/07 "Climb down ladder and randomly press buttons on panel"
You get your button-pushing finger ready for a field day.
You are disappointed to find it is a simple switch. You pull it nonetheless.
06/04/07 "Take off helmet and use it for flotation. Flip switch again"
You struggle to remove the pumpkin, but it is swollen from absorbing too much water!
To express your current emotion, you try to twist it to the frowning side, but it gets stuck half-way!
Though blind, you still manage to scramble over and pull the lever again.
You are now the harpooned man.
06/04/07 "POINT HUGEIFIER AT PUMPKINHEAD AND ACTIVATE"
You can't imagine what this strange device does, but it beckons you.
There are 2 settings on the dial. You leave it at "Pretty Huge". You don't want to get carried away.
You are that guy.
06/04/07 "Look around and thank guy for quick thinking with harpoon"
You look around. You appear to be surrounded by mountains, and a shitty looking forest. Also, there's a conspicuous stump there.
There's got to be some way to get down from this pumpkin.
06/04/07 "Load gun and fire at stump, while singing King Henry V"
It might be the blood loss, but you've definitely gone bonkers! You load the gun and fire it backwards through your torso, while reciting the play "Henry V". You clearly don't know a single line from this play.
You act fast with your trusty knife to free yourself before the impending collision.
You are now this guy.
06/04/07 "Grab the other guy's hand and run off into the forest"
Yes! Finally! Free at last!
Though the victory is bitersweet. Your friend has died of blood loss.
This is no victory. The feeling is vast emptiness. You are no longer bound by bars or concrete, but you feel more incarcerated than ever. You come to the heartwrenching conclusion that the only true prison... is loneliness.
There is only one thing left to do.
You wake up locked in a deserted jail cell, completely alone. There is nothing at all in your cell, useful or otherwise.
06/04/07 "turn around."
06/04/07 "Using key, carve spell into pumpkin invoking elves and such"
What in the merciful Christ's name are you talking about?
06/04/07 "Using key, carve spell into stomach invoking elves and such"
There is already such a spell carved into your stomach!!!
06/04/07 "Recite spell while spilling blood, invoking elves and such"
You don't know what any of those runes mean, and you'll be damned if you're going to try to read them upside-down!!
An elf appears anyway.
06/04/07 "With your trusty Hunk's Junk magazine, forge a sword"
Your gay pornography has been forged into a formidable blade.
The elf saw a picture of a penis and started to cry.
06/04/07 "Strike the elf."
You could really use a boost in pulchritude if you wish to win this battle.
06/04/07 "Offer the elf a baby in exchange for one wish."
The elf agrees to grant one wish on the promise that you will acquire a baby for him in the near future.
Choose your wish:
> Get out of jail.
> A new pony.
> Improve your pulchritude.
06/04/07 "Ask for a pony. Ask for second wish by promising twin babies"
Choose your second wish:
> Get out of jail.
> Improve your pulchritude.
06/04/07 "Wish to get out of jail, then trample the elf with the pony."
He's more than happy to magically transport you outside the prison. You had him at "I will get you more babies."
You deal more damage in the fracas, but again clumsy meeleeing skills have left you with the short end of the stick.
06/04/07 "Cut open the horse to sleep inside for the cold night"
You seem to forget your sword is made of paper, and really isn't capable of cutting anything open.
However, with the pony's already weakened health, the blow is just enough to take him to critical condition. His pulchritude takes a hit too.
But the cold night air is imminent, and you have to do something. You decide to get into his mouth for warmth.
Ah, snug as a bug! You have a feeling you'll get a pretty good night's sleep.
While you were doing all that, the elf entered his magic two bedroom bungalow for the night and locked the door. Man, it sure looks warm in
06/04/07 "Cast fireball at bungalow, so you stay extra warm tonight"
You crawl out of the mouth covered in viscuous horse-slobber. You don't know any fireball spells, but you think maybe there's something useful in the runes on your belly.
No fireballs, but another elf appears.
06/04/07 "Dig up stump"
You flip open the stump easily, revealing a hole. There is a gun in the hole.
You figure the gun was placed there in case you need to off yourself at some point. There seems to be some powerful cosmic magnetism towards suicide which surrounds the stump.
It has no bullets.
06/04/07 "Go on a hunt for children to repay the elf for his kindness."
There appears to be a bus full of children on a field trip coming down the road. You wait to spring an ambush.
Unfortunately, not one of these children appears to be a baby!
06/04/07 "Give bus of children to elves so you can go inside"
While you were measuring, the bus driver drove off with the rest of the kids, leaving you with only these three.
You see if you can interest the elves nonetheless.
They are apparently unmoved by the offer.
06/04/07 "Tie kids together with the horse and use as battering ram"
An idea this good just doesn't come around every day! You bind your motley collection of hostages together with your ample supply of rope.
But the combined weight of three kids and a small equine is way too much to even drag to the door.
You're beginning to suspect this was a retarded idea.
06/04/07 "Throw two kids in the chimney. Maybe it'll smoke out elves"
You order the children to climb the house and go down the chimney.
The horse tries to gesture that the gun has no bullets.
06/04/07 "Continue your downward spiral of mental instability"
Inside the bungalow, it is warm and inviting.
06/04/07 "invite the horse, children and madman in for tea party"
Frankly, you think that guy is a little unhinged. You don't want anything to do with him! (unless he has babies of course)
06/04/07 "Enact Total War: set house on fire and flee east to Moscow"
Moscow is west, you boob!!!
06/04/07 "Use magical prowess to summon Moscovite elves."
You don't know the spell for summoning elves - Russian or otherwise - and the only known spell is carved on the belly of that lunatic. And you're not getting close enough to read it!
The only spells carved on your bellies have nothing to do with elves. From what you can decipher of the runes, you think one has something to do with summoning vegetables.
The other one may give you an elevated mystical communion with animals or something. What a lame-ass spell.
06/04/07 "Use runes to commune with pony and feed it a majyyk'd carrot"
A magical sense of communion tugs at the pony's primitive mind.
A luscious majyyk'd-up carrot tantalizes the pony.
All of the pony's stats are completely restored!
06/04/07 "bite off your own leg and use it to play fetch with the pony"
That does not sound like an enjoyable activity for either party!
06/04/07 "First, be the pony. Second, trample the children and the man"
I'm sorry, but I am not familiar with the command "be the pony"!
06/04/07 "With elf powers, order the pony to trample children and man"
You really put your back into this enchantment. You will coerce this pony towards murder come hell or high water!
The pony wanders off and snuggles into bed. He looks really warm and cozy.
(Working on Bard Quest now. May come back to this later)
RSS: Adventure Updates
Posted on 26 January 2017 by Andrew
Status of Hiveswap: the game is just about done. It could still use some more testing to be absolutely certain we are not releasing a buggy piece of shit! To that end it will be worth waiting another several weeks or so. Perhaps more intriguingly I should mention that I've been working with some people on another thing, which will need to be announced when it is ready. I think it would be best to coordinate the announcement of the thing in question with the release of the game. So I'm not sure which will be done first, the thing or the testing, but neither will be unveiled until both are good and ready. Thank you as always for your legendary patience.
P.S. here is an ongoing reminder that you can still get cool
in advance of playing it, to aid you in your tireless quest to achieve supreme brand loyalty. God speed.
Posted on 22 October 2016 by Andrew
Just going to leave this
for now, and assume that the kids these days will know what to do with it.
Posted on 12 June 2016 by Andrew
The final Homestuck album
has been released. More fantastic music by many familiar names who have contributed to the comic over the years. Thanks to all who came together to make this. It's a great way to cap off an impressive
, now standing at 27 albums.